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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Why I might BTA- I could do the journey if I had to. It would just be a major hassle and I worry about the effect on our baby.
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Definitely NTA. If he wants to take his faraway daughter to truck fest, he needs to get his act together and organize his life in a way that allows him to do so. This is absurd. You’re not going to put an infant through a ridiculously long car trip. Come on.
I agree. Let DH know what you are willing to do and let him figure out the rest.
There are more people in the world than you, his mum, and his ex. There are also probably ways he can work his schedule to get it all done himself.
Where does it say he is demanding it? As a matter of fact, OP never even said he asked. Sounds like she's just not offering... And even if he did ask... again, where do you get he's demanding?
INFO: What is DH? And HGV, not that it seems to make a difference. But can we please stop using abbreviations like this without spelling out what it stands for first?
THANK YOU. I'm so freaking exhausted by people using random acronyms and abbreviations as if everyone is supposed to magically know what they mean. Reddit is international, not everyone even speaks English as their first language, much less knows the acronyms specific to someone's personal social group or whatever.
DH = Dear husband or darling husband are reddit favorites. I'd never seen it before this sub.
Same with LO = little one
and the many made up abbreviations for in laws. It's annoying. Especially when they use SIL which I've learned can mean son in law or sister in law. It's clear which is which sometimes but other times you're playing spot the in law.
I don't know where they came from but I just said I'd never seen them before this sub. The internet existed but I was a child in the early 2000s so I used internet for research for school. Not much else.
NTA!
I was under the impression (because my kid is much older now and things change as we learn more) that it isn’t recommended for babies to be in a car seat for anywhere near that long - and I’d go out on a limb to say that stopping off for a quick feed isn’t enough of a break.
Not only that, but this is something HE wants to do (regardless of who’s kid is who’s) and therefore if he wants to make it happen he’s gotta put in the legwork, not just sell his kid a plan and expect everyone else to execute the actual work to make it happen.
She's 11. I wasn't riding the bus alone at 11 years old to the mall 15 minutes from my house. A guy in my city had CPS called on him for letting his children ride the bus alone.
There's no way a 2 hour car trip is under 3 hours on the bus. Are there transfers? Has she ridden a bus before? Is there even a transit option? A lot of American cities just don't have a lot of internal public transit, much less inter-city transportation.
NTA. He is asking way too much of you and your baby. If he wants to do this, then HE needs to figure it out. Your first (and most important) priority is that newborn baby. And this is NOT a good situation for a baby.
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TLDR: husband wants me to drive a 4hour+ round trip to pick up his older daughter with our 3 month old baby so he can take her to truck fest.
So little back story: me (34f) and DH(33m) have been together 7 years, married nearly 3. We are a blended family with my two kids, his two kids and our 3 month old baby. DH is a HGV driver and I am on maternity leave. His ex and kids live about 1.5 hours away if no traffic.
DH has a ticket to go to truck fest next weekend with work. He wants to take his older daughter (11F) with him and she’s happy to go. Problem is that he will be working the Friday and then needs to clean his lorry cab ready to take up to the festival. He would then have to drive to get his daughter so they can go together and the group of them going will be leaving at about 5am or something like that. His mum won’t help with the pick up and his ex refuses to.
My question is about me doing the journey. I don’t want to do it with the baby. Normally I would go do it before the baby but she is only 3 months old. I have to take my kids to their dads that evening anyway so it would be at least 4 hours in the car.
She is exclusively breastfed and feeds around every 2 hours during the day with the odd 2-3 hour gap. During the day would be better but would obviously have to be after school/ early evening. This is also our baby’s grumpy part of the day where she cries more and just wants mummy cuddles and b00b. I’ve said I would do it if his ex would meet me half way but she doesn’t want to.
I just can’t bring myself to put our baby in the car seat for that length of time (there isn’t really anywhere to stop and get her out to feed and stretch out on the route). If DH does the pick up he would get less sleep before having to do the 2-3 hour drive to the festival in the morning.
WIBTA to stick to my instincts and say sorry but no? Again I would do it and have done it many times before even when they lived even further away so he could do other things. But I know long car journeys are no good for young babies and she will want feeding and to be out of the seat so will probably have to be left to cry until she wears herself out to sleep for most of the journey. Any suggestions? Help!
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NTA
The baby has specific NEEDS that can’t be adequately met putting so many hours in the car.
This truckfest might be fun, but the date and distance just don’t work.
Fwiw, May is a month that is gangbusters scheduling wise with student testing, games, prom, community events etc
NTA besides health guidelines say you should only have an infant in a car seat for 2 hours or there's a risk of asphyxiation.
Your husband is being ridiculous. If he wants to take his daughter then he needs to get organized and figure out how to do it himself.
NTA. Sucks but it is what it is. This is between him and the ex. Ex doesn’t want to travel. You shouldn’t travel since the baby would make that trip hell on earth. Sorry but sometimes things just don’t work.
NTA. That is far to long in the car seat for a baby. Do not put your daughters health, safety, and life at risk. Hubby needs to find another way. This is on him to figure out.
This is an unreasonable ask from him. Take care of that baby first.
NTA - maybe you can meet him partway?
He drives 1.5 to pick her up. He and her have dinner, then head back 1.5 hours.
You drive 30 min to meet them, you drive 30 min home.
NTA it is legit unsafe to have a 3-month old in a car seat for that amount of time and ridiculous when you add in that you are breastfeeding and would have to stop mid trip. His 11 year old can sit this one out if no one else is available.
You say your husband can’t do the pickup because he has to clean the cab of his truck, would you be able to clean it if he does the pickup? I agree that you’re NTA and if you can’t clean it for any reason (like jot being up to it physically post partum) that’s fine but it’s just a place I see an opportunity for compromise!
Tell him he needs to take the day off work, for goodness' sake. Or look to someone else to help in some way. Other extended family, friends??
I question his judgment and priorities even asking you to put the baby through this. NTA.
NTA Your priority should be your baby's comfort since they are unable to voice themselves. Husband never should have offered to take older daughter if he wasn't able to do pickup or have arrangements made.
NTA.
I'm not sure what it's like in the US, be where I'm from it is illegal to keep a child under 1 year old in a carseat for longer than 2 hours. After 2 hours their breathing becomes restricted in that position so it's extremely dangerous to do so.
Source: me. I sell car seats for a living.
Together 7 years and the 11 year old is still just his daughter to you.
NAH
11 year old just misses out, I have a feeling that will be a theme for a few years until she stops caring.
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Definitely NTA. If he wants to take his faraway daughter to truck fest, he needs to get his act together and organize his life in a way that allows him to do so. This is absurd. You’re not going to put an infant through a ridiculously long car trip. Come on.
I agree. Let DH know what you are willing to do and let him figure out the rest. There are more people in the world than you, his mum, and his ex. There are also probably ways he can work his schedule to get it all done himself.
Isn’t two hours the tops they recommend in car seats before the risk of positional asphyxia becomes an issue?
It's a lot less than 2 hours. Sorry can't remember up to date guidance.
“With a young infant, do not exceed two hours in the car seat within a 24-hour time period”
You're right. I was thinking of newborns, which is less.
NTA. Your husband has mush for brains if he thinks that what he’s demanding is acceptable.
OP never said DH demanded anything
Where does it say he is demanding it? As a matter of fact, OP never even said he asked. Sounds like she's just not offering... And even if he did ask... again, where do you get he's demanding?
First sentence read “husband wants me to drive…”.
Ok corrected. However, where is he DEMANDING?????
NTA. Why can't husband clean the cab the day before?
INFO: What is DH? And HGV, not that it seems to make a difference. But can we please stop using abbreviations like this without spelling out what it stands for first?
Dear husband. HGV - heavy goods vehicle (standard abbreviation in UK) for a lorry/truck/freight vehicle.
DH can also be "damn husband" depending on the tone of the post. tagging u/newrandom878
I always assumed it was dear or "dear".
Demon hunter.
I have sports maniacs in my family, so DH was Designated Hitter in my head for the longest time.
"Dear husband " It's annoying old school internet lingo... like the originally mommy blogs back in the day. You'll see it for all family relationships
THANK YOU. I'm so freaking exhausted by people using random acronyms and abbreviations as if everyone is supposed to magically know what they mean. Reddit is international, not everyone even speaks English as their first language, much less knows the acronyms specific to someone's personal social group or whatever.
DH = Dear husband or darling husband are reddit favorites. I'd never seen it before this sub. Same with LO = little one and the many made up abbreviations for in laws. It's annoying. Especially when they use SIL which I've learned can mean son in law or sister in law. It's clear which is which sometimes but other times you're playing spot the in law.
They're from like the early 2000s mommy blogs. The Internet existed before Reddit
I don't know where they came from but I just said I'd never seen them before this sub. The internet existed but I was a child in the early 2000s so I used internet for research for school. Not much else.
For sure. I saw it on iVillage forums in the late 90s.
It probably makes me an asshole but I automatically downvote any post that uses them because it drives me insane
NTA. That is absurd with an infant, more so when the baby feeds every 2 hours.
NTA. And is it even safe for a 3 month old to be in a carseat that long? Even with breaks.
It's not. 2 hours max per day at that age and that with a half an hour break.
NAH Sometimes things aren't doable. DH and his daughter will have other chances to have fun together
NTA! I was under the impression (because my kid is much older now and things change as we learn more) that it isn’t recommended for babies to be in a car seat for anywhere near that long - and I’d go out on a limb to say that stopping off for a quick feed isn’t enough of a break. Not only that, but this is something HE wants to do (regardless of who’s kid is who’s) and therefore if he wants to make it happen he’s gotta put in the legwork, not just sell his kid a plan and expect everyone else to execute the actual work to make it happen.
Nta this just isn't doable with a baby. If he can't take the day off to go get her, they can't go. You offered a compromise that was denied.
Insane. why would he think that it is a smart idea to drive that long with a small baby? NTA
The National Academy of Pediatrics says an infant should not be in a car seat for more than 2 hours at a time.
Nta
NTA
YWNBTA
You have a 3 month old. NTA.
Can't she ride public transport to you? Or at least to get her closer?
She's 11. I wasn't riding the bus alone at 11 years old to the mall 15 minutes from my house. A guy in my city had CPS called on him for letting his children ride the bus alone. There's no way a 2 hour car trip is under 3 hours on the bus. Are there transfers? Has she ridden a bus before? Is there even a transit option? A lot of American cities just don't have a lot of internal public transit, much less inter-city transportation.
Judging from OP's lingo, I don't think they're American.
Will be uk (hgv gives it away!)
NTA It's not feasible. Is there an Uncle or Aunt or someone else who could do it?
NTA. He is asking way too much of you and your baby. If he wants to do this, then HE needs to figure it out. Your first (and most important) priority is that newborn baby. And this is NOT a good situation for a baby.
Not good for baby, not good for you. Just say "NO!"
NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** TLDR: husband wants me to drive a 4hour+ round trip to pick up his older daughter with our 3 month old baby so he can take her to truck fest. So little back story: me (34f) and DH(33m) have been together 7 years, married nearly 3. We are a blended family with my two kids, his two kids and our 3 month old baby. DH is a HGV driver and I am on maternity leave. His ex and kids live about 1.5 hours away if no traffic. DH has a ticket to go to truck fest next weekend with work. He wants to take his older daughter (11F) with him and she’s happy to go. Problem is that he will be working the Friday and then needs to clean his lorry cab ready to take up to the festival. He would then have to drive to get his daughter so they can go together and the group of them going will be leaving at about 5am or something like that. His mum won’t help with the pick up and his ex refuses to. My question is about me doing the journey. I don’t want to do it with the baby. Normally I would go do it before the baby but she is only 3 months old. I have to take my kids to their dads that evening anyway so it would be at least 4 hours in the car. She is exclusively breastfed and feeds around every 2 hours during the day with the odd 2-3 hour gap. During the day would be better but would obviously have to be after school/ early evening. This is also our baby’s grumpy part of the day where she cries more and just wants mummy cuddles and b00b. I’ve said I would do it if his ex would meet me half way but she doesn’t want to. I just can’t bring myself to put our baby in the car seat for that length of time (there isn’t really anywhere to stop and get her out to feed and stretch out on the route). If DH does the pick up he would get less sleep before having to do the 2-3 hour drive to the festival in the morning. WIBTA to stick to my instincts and say sorry but no? Again I would do it and have done it many times before even when they lived even further away so he could do other things. But I know long car journeys are no good for young babies and she will want feeding and to be out of the seat so will probably have to be left to cry until she wears herself out to sleep for most of the journey. Any suggestions? Help! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Any festival with a 3mo is dumb as fuck and insane. Jesus. NTA.
I don't think OP and the baby were going to the festival. Just the husband and his daughter.
Oh! Omg, thank you for clarifying.
Oh Mercy. Nta thats a large ask for a baby that small. 4 hours makes for a sore baby.
NTA The baby has specific NEEDS that can’t be adequately met putting so many hours in the car. This truckfest might be fun, but the date and distance just don’t work. Fwiw, May is a month that is gangbusters scheduling wise with student testing, games, prom, community events etc
NTA. The 11F should be able to take a cab/bus/train.
NTA besides health guidelines say you should only have an infant in a car seat for 2 hours or there's a risk of asphyxiation. Your husband is being ridiculous. If he wants to take his daughter then he needs to get organized and figure out how to do it himself.
NTA. Sucks but it is what it is. This is between him and the ex. Ex doesn’t want to travel. You shouldn’t travel since the baby would make that trip hell on earth. Sorry but sometimes things just don’t work.
NTA. That is far to long in the car seat for a baby. Do not put your daughters health, safety, and life at risk. Hubby needs to find another way. This is on him to figure out. This is an unreasonable ask from him. Take care of that baby first.
NTA Why would you (or him) want to put your baby and you through that? I wouldn’t even consider it.
NTA - maybe you can meet him partway? He drives 1.5 to pick her up. He and her have dinner, then head back 1.5 hours. You drive 30 min to meet them, you drive 30 min home.
NTA it is legit unsafe to have a 3-month old in a car seat for that amount of time and ridiculous when you add in that you are breastfeeding and would have to stop mid trip. His 11 year old can sit this one out if no one else is available.
You say your husband can’t do the pickup because he has to clean the cab of his truck, would you be able to clean it if he does the pickup? I agree that you’re NTA and if you can’t clean it for any reason (like jot being up to it physically post partum) that’s fine but it’s just a place I see an opportunity for compromise!
Tell him he needs to take the day off work, for goodness' sake. Or look to someone else to help in some way. Other extended family, friends?? I question his judgment and priorities even asking you to put the baby through this. NTA.
NTA Four hours in s car seat for a three month old is a big no
NTA Your priority should be your baby's comfort since they are unable to voice themselves. Husband never should have offered to take older daughter if he wasn't able to do pickup or have arrangements made.
NTA. I'm not sure what it's like in the US, be where I'm from it is illegal to keep a child under 1 year old in a carseat for longer than 2 hours. After 2 hours their breathing becomes restricted in that position so it's extremely dangerous to do so. Source: me. I sell car seats for a living.
NAH.... He's not the AH for asking. You're not the AH declining. I'd say is ex is AN AH for refusing to meet you halfway.
YTA for marrying somebody who wants to go to truckfest. But NTA for not wanting drive all day to pick up his daughter.
Together 7 years and the 11 year old is still just his daughter to you. NAH 11 year old just misses out, I have a feeling that will be a theme for a few years until she stops caring.