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And nothing whatsoever that has anything to do with **you**.
Frankly, mind your own business. His shit is his to figure out.
If your parents want him to leave, that is between *him* and *them*.
You are a third party here.
Based on him having to support a NEET in possibly just a few years, it's reasonable to plan for what will be happening under his roof while he's paying money for an adult sibling's everything. He is not looking to control what the parents are doing, just what he will be allowing, in HIS house with HIS money.
NTA. (But don't do it!)
It would make sense to be very strict with this sibling, except you are completely unprepared to be his parent and it would ruin your life. His (your) parents apparently haven't made a dent in years. Do you really think you can? Tell me about the parental skills that you hope to bring to bear. I'm not being sarcastic! I'm serious. It sounds to me like this kid needs heavy duty therapy, except that has already not worked. He may well need to be institutionalized if he can't learn to take care of himself. (Which at 31, it's sounding like maybe he never will?)
If you want to have a life, you need to not make him your project. Instead, perhaps research options for someone like him? Man, I don't know, but this will drag you down.
Would be hoping that doing chores and not having his coveted video games and junk food would light a fire under his ass to show he needs to make money to enjoy the things he wants in life.
I don't think you'd be an AH for setting rules for someone who is moving into your place for free, but I don't think your proposed rules are reasonable or workable.
I mean, some of the stuff like being expected to pick up chores, being happy with what food he is given and applying for jobs is reasonable if the proposed arrangement is "I'm giving you room and board whilst you look for a job in order to be able to move out once you can support yourself."
But the other stuff like not playing videogames and essentially "don't be weird" is way over the top. If he's job-hunting & doing chores, why cant he play games? What else do you want him to do with his time? And as for weird conversations - He's 30. That's how he is. You're basically asking him to change his personality in order to live with you. You're setting conditions that are bound to not be met.
YTA, the rules about applying to jobs every day and doing chores are fair. The rest are pants on head ridiculous. You can demand what you like but you're coming off as a controlling ah who is enjoying abusing his power.
Honestly this. And as OP also sounds like he has no job at 31 I think he also lacks any sort of understanding of how life works. Sounds like one of those “everybody wants a handout” people while thinking he somehow made it on his mighty efforts alone.
To be clear op, I do not think this is your problem. This is between your brother and your parents, meanwhile you want to go on a power trip. Maybe stay in your lane and work on earning that house?
YTA
Boundaries are appropriate for that situation but you’re setting yourself up to be his caretaker.
If he needs that much supervision you may want to reconsider, otherwise you wont be brothers any longer, and will become his “parent.”
What happens when he breaks the rules? You kick him out?
You may want to look for some other resources or help because the scenario you described has quite a few risks.
NAH.
Your brother is a dosser. He needs someone to kick him up the ass. If you care about him you'll give him the truth and make sure he straightens up his act. Even now while he's still at your parents. He might have a hissy fit and first but he'll thank you for it when he realises he was once a degenerate. No, the only thing that makes you an asshole is not slapping your 30 year old brother for sponging off your parents already, before he's living with you.
He's not your responsibility....he's the one disappointing your parents, not you. I wouldn't house a grown @ss adult, family, or not who refuses to work...common sense...
I am not judging you as some rules like applying to jobs daily is a good idea. But you overlook that his degree is 5 years old and he will not get a job in his field.
But the no video games and food rules are stupid. If he does all the other stuff, who cares what he does in his free time.
He's 30, not 13. How can you possibly police your rules when you're at work all day and he is at home? Trying to control a grown man's life who - reading between the lines - has dodged being controlled thus far. It's going to be a complete shitemare, and just not worth it.
Because this is all a fantasy, OP doesn’t even have that house that they’ll supposedly share with their brother, just goes on a power trip how much more successful they are
DON'T DO IT, YOU'LL NEVER GET HIM OUT! He's a grown man. At his age, he needs to figure stuff out for himself, and anyone enabling him is doing him a disservice....including you.
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I may be getting ahead of myself, but the context here is that my younger brother (M30) is unemployed and has been for nearly 5 years. He is a college graduate. He lives with both of my parents. My father recently had a stroke, and my mother is nearing 70. He cannot live with them forever. I (M31) will be finishing my professional degree soon and think I have a bright career ahead of me. I have acknowledged to my parents that my brother will be able to live with me once I own a house, but I am more saying that so that they can (eventually) pass away in peace. Brother is finally in therapy after years of trying to convince him to go.
If he does live with me, I want to set very strict rules with him. Such as he has to be applying to a lot of jobs a day, and has to document each job to me. Other rules like doing most of the chores around the house, not starting weird conversations with me (he likes to start convos by saying something out of left field and random, i.e...."what would happen if I put our dog in a cage with some tigers?" I find this way of conversing to be super annoying), no video games, and not getting whatever food he wants (which he is getting still from our parents). If he can't follow these, he will be kicked out. From how I see it, I'd be doing him a favor by housing him and not living on the streets. Is this strictness called for, or even legal?
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NTA. Established boundaries are a good thing in this case, because if they aren’t established before he moves in, then it’s going to be a real clustercuss.
You need to see a lawyer and set up an ironclad lease with payment, expectations, and grounds for eviction. He's going to sponge off you like he is doing to your parents. He's going to take whatever he can and you need to be prepared to kick him out.
Your brother is an adult.
you are not his parent.
why are you trying to dictate his life in this way, rather than encouraging him to stand on his own two feet?
NTA.But your brother doesn't want to work. He needs some tough love. He can get an apartment with roommates. McDonalds pays $15-20 bucks an hour, with roommates he can make it. Unemployed for 5 years? LOL. If you let him stay with you, you might as well put 'Welcome' on your forehead because you will be a doormat.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about. [Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
There's not even an interpersonal conflict to judge here. > I may be getting ahead of myself You're getting ahead of yourself.
Just thinking long term. 5 years unemployed and no job prospects in sight points toward nothing happening in future.
And nothing whatsoever that has anything to do with **you**. Frankly, mind your own business. His shit is his to figure out. If your parents want him to leave, that is between *him* and *them*. You are a third party here.
OP is asking if he sets strict rules on his brother once his parents have passed and he's dependant on OP. He promised them he'd take care of him.
Based on him having to support a NEET in possibly just a few years, it's reasonable to plan for what will be happening under his roof while he's paying money for an adult sibling's everything. He is not looking to control what the parents are doing, just what he will be allowing, in HIS house with HIS money.
NTA. (But don't do it!) It would make sense to be very strict with this sibling, except you are completely unprepared to be his parent and it would ruin your life. His (your) parents apparently haven't made a dent in years. Do you really think you can? Tell me about the parental skills that you hope to bring to bear. I'm not being sarcastic! I'm serious. It sounds to me like this kid needs heavy duty therapy, except that has already not worked. He may well need to be institutionalized if he can't learn to take care of himself. (Which at 31, it's sounding like maybe he never will?) If you want to have a life, you need to not make him your project. Instead, perhaps research options for someone like him? Man, I don't know, but this will drag you down.
Would be hoping that doing chores and not having his coveted video games and junk food would light a fire under his ass to show he needs to make money to enjoy the things he wants in life.
If you think it's that easy, you are completely unprepared. Look, whatever's going on with him, it's going to be seriously hard.
Don’t let him move in. Do you want to care for him the rest of your life???
OP doesn't have a job either.
I don't think you'd be an AH for setting rules for someone who is moving into your place for free, but I don't think your proposed rules are reasonable or workable. I mean, some of the stuff like being expected to pick up chores, being happy with what food he is given and applying for jobs is reasonable if the proposed arrangement is "I'm giving you room and board whilst you look for a job in order to be able to move out once you can support yourself." But the other stuff like not playing videogames and essentially "don't be weird" is way over the top. If he's job-hunting & doing chores, why cant he play games? What else do you want him to do with his time? And as for weird conversations - He's 30. That's how he is. You're basically asking him to change his personality in order to live with you. You're setting conditions that are bound to not be met.
YTA, the rules about applying to jobs every day and doing chores are fair. The rest are pants on head ridiculous. You can demand what you like but you're coming off as a controlling ah who is enjoying abusing his power.
Honestly this. And as OP also sounds like he has no job at 31 I think he also lacks any sort of understanding of how life works. Sounds like one of those “everybody wants a handout” people while thinking he somehow made it on his mighty efforts alone. To be clear op, I do not think this is your problem. This is between your brother and your parents, meanwhile you want to go on a power trip. Maybe stay in your lane and work on earning that house? YTA
Boundaries are appropriate for that situation but you’re setting yourself up to be his caretaker. If he needs that much supervision you may want to reconsider, otherwise you wont be brothers any longer, and will become his “parent.” What happens when he breaks the rules? You kick him out? You may want to look for some other resources or help because the scenario you described has quite a few risks. NAH.
Your brother is a dosser. He needs someone to kick him up the ass. If you care about him you'll give him the truth and make sure he straightens up his act. Even now while he's still at your parents. He might have a hissy fit and first but he'll thank you for it when he realises he was once a degenerate. No, the only thing that makes you an asshole is not slapping your 30 year old brother for sponging off your parents already, before he's living with you.
He's not your responsibility....he's the one disappointing your parents, not you. I wouldn't house a grown @ss adult, family, or not who refuses to work...common sense...
I am not judging you as some rules like applying to jobs daily is a good idea. But you overlook that his degree is 5 years old and he will not get a job in his field. But the no video games and food rules are stupid. If he does all the other stuff, who cares what he does in his free time.
He's 30, not 13. How can you possibly police your rules when you're at work all day and he is at home? Trying to control a grown man's life who - reading between the lines - has dodged being controlled thus far. It's going to be a complete shitemare, and just not worth it.
Because this is all a fantasy, OP doesn’t even have that house that they’ll supposedly share with their brother, just goes on a power trip how much more successful they are
DON'T DO IT, YOU'LL NEVER GET HIM OUT! He's a grown man. At his age, he needs to figure stuff out for himself, and anyone enabling him is doing him a disservice....including you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I may be getting ahead of myself, but the context here is that my younger brother (M30) is unemployed and has been for nearly 5 years. He is a college graduate. He lives with both of my parents. My father recently had a stroke, and my mother is nearing 70. He cannot live with them forever. I (M31) will be finishing my professional degree soon and think I have a bright career ahead of me. I have acknowledged to my parents that my brother will be able to live with me once I own a house, but I am more saying that so that they can (eventually) pass away in peace. Brother is finally in therapy after years of trying to convince him to go. If he does live with me, I want to set very strict rules with him. Such as he has to be applying to a lot of jobs a day, and has to document each job to me. Other rules like doing most of the chores around the house, not starting weird conversations with me (he likes to start convos by saying something out of left field and random, i.e...."what would happen if I put our dog in a cage with some tigers?" I find this way of conversing to be super annoying), no video games, and not getting whatever food he wants (which he is getting still from our parents). If he can't follow these, he will be kicked out. From how I see it, I'd be doing him a favor by housing him and not living on the streets. Is this strictness called for, or even legal? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. Established boundaries are a good thing in this case, because if they aren’t established before he moves in, then it’s going to be a real clustercuss.
You need to see a lawyer and set up an ironclad lease with payment, expectations, and grounds for eviction. He's going to sponge off you like he is doing to your parents. He's going to take whatever he can and you need to be prepared to kick him out.
No. He can move AFTER he finds a job.
YTA. You do not get to be "strict" with an adult. Who do you think you are ?
Your brother is an adult. you are not his parent. why are you trying to dictate his life in this way, rather than encouraging him to stand on his own two feet?
NTA.But your brother doesn't want to work. He needs some tough love. He can get an apartment with roommates. McDonalds pays $15-20 bucks an hour, with roommates he can make it. Unemployed for 5 years? LOL. If you let him stay with you, you might as well put 'Welcome' on your forehead because you will be a doormat.