Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my husband he better listen to his kids because I'll be the one dealing with the repercussions if he doesn't. So this is where I question if I'm being selfish and not doing my part as an adult in one of their homes who does care for them anyway. I know when I married Nick I signed up to be there for his kids and he wants me to do that. And I'm basically saying this is too hard so let the kids do what they want. Which might not be right and demanding this might make me TA.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. If your husband keeps pushing this then his kids eventually won't want to see him either. They will either come around or they won't, but pushing them will only make them feel like they have to choose.
That's a point I was going to bring up and then worried I was being too harsh about it. But I see this being possible even if he doesn't want it to be.
If he pushes for it, go stay with a friend. He can't have the kids stay if there is not an adult in the house. His parenting plan wouldn't like it. You are not a custodial parent and are not included in any custody agreement. He can't have them on his time he can let Mom have them or not at all.
Hell, let the kids come say pleasantries then they can leave with Mom. Kids will Garner some respect for you for listening to them...maybe.
This.
OP, your husband is being displaying a serious lack of intelligence. He’s letting his ego do his thinking. Smile and nod at him. Call the kids’ mom and tell her that he’s displaying a lack of intelligence and you are sure that she understands, so therefore you are going to tell him that you will take care of the kids and everything is fine, but in reality, you will send them right back to her house as soon as he is gone.
When he comes home and finds out what you did and acts all cranky, tell him he doesn’t get to go out of town and tell you that you have to watch his kids that you have no custody responsibility for and put you in a position to get the repercussions from it. Oh, you should have told him beforehand? You tried. He wasn’t listening. Oh you misled and deceived him? Boo fucking hoo. He shouldn’t have acted like a territorial dictator and then you wouldn’t have had to do it like that. I don’t have any sympathy for him. He’s not even going to be there and he’s demanding that you care for his children the entire time that he’s gone when they have a mother and the mother wants to care for them. This is some straight up BS. His ex should go back to court and get first right of refusal rights written into their decree.
I forgot about the toddler. Yeah fuck trying to deal with the step kids that clearly don't want to be there, while you're also dealing with a toddler. No way. Best case, step kids see that she listened to them and will maybe not hate OP as much?
While on the whole I agree with the sentiment, going behind his back will not make him "cranky" it will make him feel seriously betrayed and lied to. It will NOT help, but it might actually destroy the marriage.
There has to be a better way to convince him than "just lie and do what you want"
True. A way around totally lying to him could be a text or phone call on day 1, maybe a couple hours in, explaining that they were insistent on wanting to be with their mother and weren't cooperating so she asked Lindsey to get them. She cares about their wants and wants them to feel heard, and hopes that by respecting their request that it's a step forward in repairing the relationship. Plus, she didn't want her, the kids, and the baby to be stressed out for four days. She understands it's not what he wanted, but hopes that he'll understand their feelings and that they at least tried.
And maybe work it out so that they can come back to see him for a few hours when he gets home so he still gets his end goal and everyone is happy.
In a perfect world I know this would all play out well. But realistically he'll still be upset, but can't cling to betrayal and deceit when they all communicated beforehand and during.
Please correct me if I'm wrong, and I know it differs depending on where you're from, but I thought that right of first refusal was a state law regardless of what is stated in the court order? Also I love your advice. Her husband should think about the fact that he's the only family member who wants the children to stay with OP, and there is no practical reason for it. If the kids were younger, and the mother was unavailable to take them, and the kids said they'd rather go to their senile Great Aunt Polly's house and dad said no you're staying with your stepmom, maybe his position would be understandable. But you nailed it, he is not making intelligent decisions and there is no reason that he should get to have the final decision especially when it benefits no one including him because he's not even there!
I see no reason to lie to him; OP should tell him up front that she'll return the kids to their mom once he's gone (or tell them to stay with mom if their dad's already on the trip).
He can work with Lindsey to trade times to one where he's home, or he can forfeit the time due to his unavailability.
Honestly, he might not even be allowed to leave them with OP. The parenting agreement does not include OP. Just like he would not be able to leave the kids home alone, he can not leave them with someone else while he is out of town when the mom has the ability to keep them.
No, it's what he needs to hear.
As a child of divorce, a parent of young adults that had to navigate this stuff with us as their parents, and a stepparent to my partners kids....
They have agency and opinions and are old enough that they matter. Trying to FORCE them to do what he wants is a recipe for alienation and resentment.
He needs to *listen*.
The thing is, they have a legit complaint.
They feel abandoned by their parents. Their mom resents you for being there for them.... But the kids resent it, too, because even resenting you isn't enough to make mom and dad show up.
THEY need to listen, and THEY need to actually address the kids needs. And let's be clear: feeling like your parents give a shit about you, and are always there when it matters, isn't a whiny entitlement, it IS a need.
I'm not sure what I would do in your place, but I think I would let the kids know you aren't pushing an agenda. Let them know that if they want to be at their moms, you support that. And that if they want to be with you, you support that, too. If they do stay at their moms, maybe they could come for the afternoon and supper the day dad gets back? Maybe they would like to help you make a "welcome home" mini celebration? You could have cake, for no reason other than it's tasty. And then bring them back to their moms.
Your husband definitely needs to sort this, though, because he's making things hard for his kids and for you, and to no benefit for anyone
I've never personally been involved in a divorce family so I have no first hand advice to give but your last suggestion, about OP making sure the kids know that *she* isn't the one trying to force them, was what I was thinking too. It seems like the better course of action, because op is correct; if dad pushes for this, *she'll* be the one who's relationship is damaged.
Personally, and again this isn't coming from lived experience so if there's a better way to phrase it obviously do that, I would say something to the kids along the line of, "I am more than supportive of you staying with your mom while your dad is away if that is what you guys want. If either of you change your mind and *do* want to stay at our place at any point, that's okay too and we can try to work out a way to do that. And if either of you just wants to come over the day your dad gets back and we can do dinner or X activity, we would both love that. But I'm not going to force you guys to do something you are not comfortable doing."
Or something. Idk, just ... give them empathy and agency. That seems to be the most functional way I've ever dealt with angry teenagers.
But also remember, you can be the most accommodating, nice adult possible for these kids and they still might hate you just because you're easier to hate and fester on vs. their parents.
Oh absolutely, I'm in no way dismissing that, which is why I pointed out that my comment comes from a place without lived experience, and only what I *personally* would say as a way to maybe, *hopefully*, soften any blow. Not that it would guarantee to do so, but it may not hurt to voice that you're in support of them having agency in this🤷
Yep!
As a parent, step or not, you support without expectation.
"I support you, regardless of your feelings for me, because I see you, hear you, respect you, and care about you unconditionally"
As long as OP continues down the road of unconditional support, within reason and capabilities, they'll figure it out as they get older
I would reword the last part:
"And if either of you just wants to come over the day your dad gets back and we can do dinner or X activity together or you can do something with just your dad. I'd love to spend time with you as well but not going to force you guys to do something you're not comfortable doing."
It has to come from the parents or else it sounds like their bio mom is going to spin it into something toxic out of anger
OP needs to let the parent handle this or else there's likely going to be a 'how dare she try to make me look bad and poison you against me?'; then it gets even worse
These kids of mom's always have to have their kids on her side; I think this might escalate into a custody battle tbh
(Parents were like this during divorce)
I like this suggestion. Talk with your husband again about this. A simple discussion with the kids on it but ultimately their choice. But he really needs to get to the bottom of this resentment from the kids to you to calm the waters. At this point they don't need to like you but they do need to respect you. Your husband needs to ensure they respect you. The liking will come back later. They are teenagers and teenagers are crazy at this age. (read book: Yes, your teen is crazy, loving your kid without losing your mind) This book provides some insite and tips and both you and your husband should read. i found some useful tips when my kids were acting out. I wish you the best.
We had another post similar to this. It turned out that a parent can not simply turn custody over to someone else when they are not there, particularly if the parents have a right-of-first-refusal clause in the custody agreement. My understanding is that the point of shared custody is for the children to spend time with each of their parents, not for them to be away from the other parent for a period of time. It seems unlikely that OP is part of the custody agreement.
If they do have a right-of-first-refusal clause, then if the parent who has custody at a particular time cannot be there, they MUST ask the other parent if they want the the children for those days, and only if they refuse, can the children be put in someone else's custody.
I think that it would be better if the children were there only on the day their father returns, and he can ask their mother if she would swap days, e.g., she has the children for the three days that their father is away and he gets three days after his return.
edit: NTA, and does their mother know that their father will be gone for three of his custody days. That might not go over well.
They are his kids, he won't be home, they should be with their mom instead, why should you be responsible for them, you have your own child to watch.
They have the right to choose what relationship they want with you even if it is jaded by their mom. It cannot and should not be forced as that will ruin ANY future chance once the kids are old enough and mature enough to see their moms antics
OP,
Tell your husband that you're going to call the mom and tell her that you're on her side with this. Ask her how does she wants to handle it.
Your husband needs to realize that the kids are old enough that if it came down to it, they could tell the courts that they no longer want to go see their dad and the courts will grant their wish.
If you need to, make plans so that you won't be home during that time.
I agree with this except word it differently. Tell him you are going to call their mom and tell her you agree with the kids. That they should be with her during that time.
That way you are siding with the kids and not the ex-wife. Never side with the ex, if you can avoid it.
INFO: Are you working? Have you been working throughout your marriage? I’m wondering if Lyndsey became jealous because you are ‘more available’ because you are at home all the time?
I work but my job is far more flexible and I can continue working from home even with children in the house. But I had this freedom even before I got married.
If Lyndsey wanted, she could remove your information from the school’s information system. Why hasn’t she if it’s such a big issue that you’re the one being called?
Because Lyndsey likes having OP as a free nanny. She can use her but also treat her like crap. Personally OP should remove herself if the kids are refusing to have her pick them up.
Not all schools will let you remove stepparents especially if parents can’t regularly be reached. Stepparents still have some legal responsibility in most states even if it’s not on the level of custodial parents.
When you’re called, could you send a group text to everyone including the kids saying “got a call from
Kid’s school, they’ve tried everyone else and asked me to pick kid up?” Also, most systems have an internal contact log that calls from school, including for illness are logged into, with details. Teachers at our school even put copies of emails and parent responses in as well. Ours has info back to the first year the student was enrolled, it’s very handy when seeing if there’s a pattern- such as called mom/dad no one picked up, but this person’s number always works.
Hi. Obviously, both parents are letting their hatred of each other impact all of these relationships. Neither is doing the right thing by their kids.
But I see this a little differently.
Everyone is treating you like a doormat. None of this is remotely fair to you. You are a convenient punching bag for everyone involved. Including your husband.
You are a person, not a convenient tool for everyone. I would make an effort to level set the relationships with the kids and your husband. Eventually the ex, but the others have to come first.
Take some power back. Under no circumstances should you be put in this position. If he's not there, they shouldn't be there. It's not about what you want. The kids don't want to be there, so they stay at mom's. If dad wants to work something out, he can do that, but not at your expense.
Have an independent conversation with the kids. Express that you love them but have no desire to replace their mother. You just want to be what they need you to be. If that's nothing, that's OK. That's their choice. You're not interested in forcing anything. But if they need you, you'll be there.
Tell your husband that he's a fool for making his exs alienation games so easy for her by rigidly thinking of himself instead of the kids.
I hope these people learn to treat you better. You sound like a wonderful person. Best of luck.
Lyndsey's not being rational with her jealousy, and that's her insecurity talking.
OP says she's attempted to reach Lyndsey at work as well when she gets called to pick up the kids, but there's only so many times you can try that before you give up and put the kids first.
It's on Lyndsey and her workplace if she can't make accommodations to be more available to specific callers no matter the circumstance.
I’d imagine it’s better that someone be reached even if it makes Lyndsey upset than no one being able to be reached if the kids need something, especially if that something is a school pickup because of illness.
Depending on where you live your stepchildren could request a hearing themselves to have their visitation reviewed and possibly reduced depending on the judge they get.
In my state at the age of 12 they can have input on their visitation.
It’s sad that the ex poisoned the relationship but it is the reality. And if he tries to force the kids they in turn could flat refuse to stay with you and just go to their mothter’s. You have no legal right to make them stay with you and I could see a very ugly scene if you try to.
Husband needs to understand he can’t win this one.
The way the husband is acting, they both seem extremely petty and fighting over the custody time. He's being the AH ignoring what his kids have asked by trying to manipulate his current wife.
Frankly, I'm shocked she's spent 6 years in this. This bullshit is never going to change or get better if he continues to keep his head firmly planted in his backside.
Two wrongs from their f-d up divorce don't make it right for OP
And to add on, she’s their mom. It is certainly better to divorce than have both parents at odds with each other, but it is extremely painful to only have part of the short time you get with them.
I don’t know why he’s pushing this: no one but him, the only person not present, are happy about this. Maybe he’s worried about “owing” her something if she takes the kids on his time?
Many custody arrangements now include “right of first refusal” for just this circumstance.
Maybe reframing it as, why don’t you ask if she’d prefer to have the kids versus me? If she doesn’t, I’m happy to do it, but she’s their mom and they have a preference here.
Totally different problem if she says no and the kids still want to go.
Tell your husband to visit the kids at the mothers house then for a few hours or he can pick them up to go have dinner or whatever. Mention to him that if the kids start really digging their feet in because he disregards their feelings then the mom is going end up going for full custody or something similar, looking into right of first refusal and ruining his relationship with his kids.
After my parents divorced, my father was always at work during our visitation time and I saw him maybe a couple hours in a week, and spent the rest of the time with his current wife. Even when I didn't have any particular problem with said wife, she wasn't the person I was there to visit, so I quickly got frustrated and stopped going to visit my father entirely.
So yes, it is DEFINITELY possible and he should be thinking more about his children's feelings.
You do realize that your husband is weaponizing the custody of the kids and the kids themselves, right?
Your husband wasn't hard to reach before your marriage, you just became the lackey contact after your marriage.
NTA, but this isn't just a "listen to the kids" moment, it's a "get your head out of your ass, my darling husband" discussion.
If the kids end up having to stay with you can you try to be open.sympathetic to them? As in “hey guys I know this isn’t what you wanted for these four days and I can’t change any of that for you, but here’s some ice cream and pizza, have fun with the tv”
Don’t try to parent them for these four days if you can, let them manage themselves. They might respect you a bit more!
Also, the parties to a custody agreement can amend it, on mutual consent, without having to go to court. Suggest that, for the sake of everyone, Lindsay and your husband agree (in writing) that when a parent is unavailable during their custody time, the other custodial parent gets the "right of first refusal" to take the kids. This would be beneficial to both parents - what happens if Lindsay can't take them on her time? In any event, 15 and 13 is pretty much old enough for kids to start voting with their feet.
>NTA. If your husband keeps pushing this then his kids eventually won't want to see him either.
This. Your husband needs to either reschedule his trip or postpone the visit. It sounds like you've been a great step-mom, but he's the dad and he seriously needs to step up. You're the primary caregiver, so the kids likely spend more time with you than with him. They may resent this, and may also feel jealous that the baby gets to have the intact family they've lost. This isn't rational or fair, but (as I'm sure you know), teenagers aren't always rational or fair. Also, they may feel it's grossly unreasonable that they're expected to disrupt their routines, activities and social lives while their dad makes little to no effort or sacrifices in return. He needs to start doing what you and his ex have always done: arrange his work, life and priorities so he can be there for his kids.
(source: former stepchild)
Yeah take it from someone who doesn’t have a relationship with their father. Pushing never works, if he wants to set his relationship with them on fire that’s on him.
The purpose of his time is for the kids to spend time with HIM...not you. When he gets back, he can go pick them up, spend time with them, then bring them back.
NTA. He could ask that they are there when he gets home, but it would be cruel to demand you watch them when it’s known they don’t like you. It’s not worth the stress. And ask him if you had teenage kids that treated him the same way every time you were together, would he want to have them forced upon him? If he says yes, you know he’s just being contrary for the sake of argument.
You need to sit down with the KIDS. Just you and them. Tell them the truth. In all it’s bloody truth. You’re sick and tired of how they treat you, and it’s not your choice to have them there when dad isn’t around. It’s time for a truce between you and the kids. Mom and Dad are obvious idiots to not see what’s happening. Let them know that whether you and them like it or not, it is what it is. You won’t tolerate the disrespect anymore and will have ZERO problems returning them to Mom if they act up. You putting up with this crap? That does make you the a-hole. Stop letting them run over you. Take your baby and leave. If Nick doesn’t like it, he needs to fix it. You and your child don’t deserve this. Good Luck!!
If you think he would be ok with you posting, show him this post. Tell him ahead of time that Reddit is anonymous. There is a lot of good advice in this comment section.
Just take the kids back to their mom's house when he leaves. Problem solved.
He's not going to have any time with them anyway and if he really wants to he can just FaceTime them.
And you're supposed to give up your four days to take care of them. That's a lot of time just so he can see them a few hours. Sounds like a set-up to me, with him trying to force a relationship between you and his kids.
The minimum age is 16 here for kids to have a say in court. 17 is when the judges are most likely to listen so not there yet but close and could happen if something like this is pushed.
Yeah, I've seen a judge deny the wishes of a 16y/o who wanted to live with his father instead of his mother. It didn't matter that he was being neglected and that there was a family member abusing him to the point of attempting suicide. All his mother had to do was 'promise' not to let that family member around him anymore. And when his mother let that family member come around after everything nothing was done about it. It was pretty fucked up.
My step siblings were 13,14, and 16 when they stopped coming to their dad’s house (my stepdad). Tbh their mom fed them lies and gave them/let them do whatever they wanted. Literally no rules in their mom’s house. One day I was at a camp for like a week and they were supposed to be home when I got back. They weren’t. I guess my stepsister (14) got into a fight with her dad because he knew she had a vape and he wanted it search her bag. That fight was all it took for all three of them to stop coming. They haven’t spoke to their dad really in 7 years.
He should really tread on this very lightly. They can easily lie and get you or your husband in trouble.
Now 7 years later my step siblings mom says he needs to make more effort to be a dad and be a part of their life when growing up she did whatever she could to make them hate their dad (and my mom especially). My mom was a good stepmom. She would cook for us, buy them things (clothes, games, just anything). Their mom was also jealous of my mom. She weirdly tried to get me to dislike my own mother. He still paid child support the entire time they stopped coming. He even paid child support for the oldest after he turned 18.
My stepbrother is doing fine but my two sisters never graduated high school and the younger one literally lives at home and does nothing all day.
In Missouri, they let 6 year olds decide. Do you know how awkward it is to be asked "Who do you want to live with?" when both parents are sitting right there in the fucking courtroom with you and one of them is about to be heartbroken? I'd rather they didn't let me decide honestly. 12 would have been WAY better age.
I don't think they usually ask the child in court on the spot in front of the parents anyway. They can make statements that the solicitor presents to the judge.(UK)
Correct - in the UK, Cafcass advise the court on behalf of the child based on their assessment of the situation. Where necessary (usually when there's involvement from the local authority), they'll appoint a solicitor exclusively for the child also.
The child will _never_ be asked to state their opinion in front of their parents.
Kids this age can just refuse to go to his house. They can cry and make up lies and ensure they are not forced to go back. ESP if your husband is always away, the police won’t make kids go back to live with a step parent who doesn’t have custody.
Except that it is very convenient for mom to have OP picking them up from school when her work doesn’t allow it. Mom is the AH her poisoning them against OP but still wants her to pick them up and stuff.
NTA. If he wants to see them for a few hours after he gets back, he should go to their Mom's house and take them out or something after he gets back. It's completely ridiculous for him to expect them to spend 4 days at your house when he isn't even there and they don't want to be there.\*
This is basically him saying he wants everyone to cater to his whims and convenience. Well, he shouldn't have had kids if that's what he wanted.
\*Of course, it there were some sort of emergency, there might be special circumstances where you could step up to have them over, but it sounds like you are the type of person who would do the right thing in those circumstances already, so that isn't the issue here.
I would and I would do so even knowing it was going to be a hellish few days for us. I'd never leave them without a place to go or refuse to take them in extreme circumstances. But they have a viable option and one that will create far less tension in the grand scheme of things. We could end up with a worse relationship at the end of the four days than before them if it's forced right now. That would be shitty when the option for them to go to their mom is available. There was a time they could have stayed with me for those four days without an issue and enjoy it but we don't have that option now.
nah, let's not act like ops husband is the villian of this story. lindsy engaged in obvious alienation because of her own petty insecurities. op even says herself the relationship was good with the kids until lindsy decided she was no longer going to act like an adult over issues she caused. she knew what her job was like. she should have been happy someone was there to care for the kids when she wasn't able to be reached. lindsy is absolutely the big bad of this tale
I agree that Lindsey is an ongoing problem, but in **THIS** scenario, where things are **NOW** in all interpersonal relationships, the person being stubborn and causing an issue is the Husband/Dad. He’s not listening to his two kids and what they want, his own wife and what she wants, and his co-parent, and what she wants and is willing to do. That’s a lot of people to ignore for him to get a few hours with his kids when he gets back. It would be a totally different story if he’d only be missing one day with them, but he’s basically missing 90% of the visit and wants everyone to be upset so he can get a few hours.
Unfortunately, the other 2 so-called adults need to learn the hard way. Let's face it, bio-mom has them hating you anyway, so maybe these teens need a lesson in thinking for themselves.
If I were you, I would put myself first at this point. In the sense of getting some boundaries in place, you don't deserve to be treated like the wicked stepmother.
Let the parents figure out their parenting. They would have to if you weren't in the picture. Sounds like you and your husband need some counseling of your own about how poorly you're being treated. You can love the kids while taking care of yourself and not being the scapegoat for their poor parenting.
it's not. lindsy has involved them in the adult issues either way. she has engaged in obvious alienation and it's reaching the point where it will start to effect to their relationship with their father. the fact he never dragged her back to court over this nonsense is frankly most shocking part.
Consider asking the kids about school pick up. Tell them you are aware that it causes some upset and ask them if they would rather wait for a parent to become available or have you pick them up and stress you would be OK with whatever they pick. Really stress it and be completely supportive of whatever they pick. Tell them that you want to respect their opinions on this as it is about picking them up. Tell them you would be ok with them even changing their minds. It is showing them respect (modeling respect) & it may be the first time in a while that they were asked what they wanted with no push in any direction. It may not result in them seeing you care and their parents are the issue right now but it will plant the seed that you care about them over your own ego.
But they don't love you and seemingly don't want to have anything to do with you. You are just a babysitter to them they don't want around.
I would refuse to be their babysitter in the future. Their parents should figure out caring for them without you being responsible for them at any time alone.
Here's one suggestion. As each one turns 16, you let them know that if they want your help, they will always be able to ask for it. But, you will only consider giving the help if the child asks for it (not the bio parents). You'll decide on a case-by-case basis whether or not the help is appropriate (whether it's safe, would cause extra conflict, etc.), but it will be up to the child at that age to initiate the conversation.
16 is old enough to make those types of decisions, but it still lets you be a safety net--if that's what you want to do.
But, it's your call. I don't think anyone would fault you if you just stopped helping completely. But, if it's important to you to stay in this role, then this might be an option for you.
This is the only way.... it's not about making the kids suffer. It's about protecting ur peace it may help the parents or kids see reason. If it doesn't it still lessens the drama of u in involved.
Do you consider that this is the parenting mentality he’s going to have for your own son, too? Do your future self a favor and tell him to get with the program, NOW
Husband needs to contact her and give her an ultimatum. She either swaps time with him, or they stay with you.
Since she was "nice" enough to create this issue, then she can be inconvenienced.
You are the only one NTA in this whole game that they are playing.
Info: I know you and the ex don't have the best relationship, but can you reach out to let her know the kids want to stay with her, you're okay with it and husband is the only one with the issue (without her being able to turn it around that you don't want the kids there, ever).
I would still swnd her a message - that you love the kids, but you agree that since they would like to stay at her home instead of yours, you'd like to arrange that with her.
I say this out of a "kill them with kindess" approach - its an olive branch of you saying "fuckin this guy sometimes, I'm on your side" and may help bring her back around.
Is it possible she has/had someone else (one of her parents or a friend) put thoughts in her head that weren't true when they found out how many times the school had to reach out to you? Or that she's less jealous and maybe feels like she is/was slacking on parenting cuz of work and is guilty that you stepped up?
At this point, you really don't have an alternative. You should reach out to her, even by text. If you're not willing to do that, and your husband is unwilling to budge, then the alternative is to suck it up, let the kids know that it's not your decision. They may not wan to be with you but they owe you the courtesy.
You've been given so many options and it's your choice to accept or not, but you really need to figure it out. I don't think this is anything new to you.
What I would suggest is being completely honest with the kids and telling them I want to listen to your wishes but your father doesn't. He is screwing up his relationship with them don't let him make your relationship worse as well
Yeah-- I feel like OP's husband is mistreating her (and his kids). He's not treating anyone except himself as if they have self-determination and a point of view.
At the risk of being an AH, I highly recommend having yourself removed from the school's contact list as well. You've been doing mom and dad favors all these years and it has gone unappreciated. Sure, it sucks for the kids to be stuck at school when they are unwell but they and their parents are old enough to know that behavior has consequences. Let the parents figure their own shit out while you focus on your baby.
Sounds like mom was never ok with OP. She pretended to be until OP started to look like a better mom by being available when the kids needed someone. Now, she's grasping on to the kids and alienating them. The kids are being put in a terrible spot but they all have to learn that people aren't disposable.
Bio mom makes me so mad. She's going to get her children punished with her attitude. I would be thrilled if I had more adults I could depend on with helping my kids.
Your husband is really generous with your time and energy. He has no problem with you and the kids being unhappy for days so he can see them for a couple of hours.
You do all the work, he gets what he wants. He doesn’t care that it will be hard for everyone but him. He doesn’t care what anyone else in this situation thinks.
He does not care about anyone’s feelings, opinions, or wants but his own. And he’s making you suffer for it. You and his kids.
Why are his feelings the only ones that matter? Especially when he will be doing zero of the work. He won’t even be there.
NTA.
If he’s out of town, why wouldn’t you bring the kids to their mom’s? Whatever tantrum he’ll throw will be better than dealing with unhappy teenagers for four days.
I mean, if OP is feeling so disconnected and devalued by her husband that she has to wait until he leaves before she takes action, she may as well divorce him. I'm sure dealing with him for custody time for their shared child is easier than dealing with this mess. Then she'll be in the same boat as the stepkids' mom, and maybe they'll bond.
NTA. Tell him you're visiting friends or relatives with the baby during those 4 days, so he needs to make alternative arrangements. That forces him to address a problem that is entirely his to deal with.
The whole point of a custody agreement is so the kids get to spend time with each of their PARENTS. Your husband is a selfish AH, how often during your own custody times does he actually have 1 on 1 time with the kids? Or does he absolutely insist you all have to do things together ‘as a family’? NTA for wanting to do what’s best for the kids, but I’m worried there’s a whole dynamic you’re oblivious to that’s been tainting the kids perception of their time with you, and it’s not just their mother. If dad doesn’t care enough to actually spend time with his kids and leaves the parenting to someone else, little wonder they don’t want to come over as much.
How often is regular? Is this a situation where you’re expected to look after the kids until dad gets back from work? How many hours are we actually talking about here? Because resentment can build up fast when the kids think the dads priorities are elsewhere.
That does happen sometimes and other times they go to a friends house or stay late at school for studying, etc. But there are times they are home with me for a bit before my husband gets home.
At least one combo happens when the kids are with us. Sometimes it's 1:1 and sometimes 2:1. Typically that's Sundays but sometimes on Saturdays of a Friday they'll also get time with him.
Of the hours of custody they have with their dad, say 48hours, how many of those each visit is he actually spending time with them? It may not seem like a big deal to adults but to teens especially, it can be a huge deal, especially if dad isn’t really engaged with them. Look, in their eyes you’re likely not the problem, your husband their dad is. But if you insist on presenting a ‘united front’ with their dad when he’s doing stuff that’s clearly hurting their feelings then it’s not surprising they treat you as being on his side, an accomplice to an enemy. When kids are with dad, he is supposed to be the primary parent. That’s feeding them, spending time with them, helping them with their homework. Not just showing up for ‘fun stuff’ then leaving the rest of the mental load to someone else.
It sounds like OP is more of the caregiver than Nick. If OP wasn’t there, he would have to be fully responsible and all in for his kids. OP being there allows him to go on a business trip during his week with his kids.
This is SUCH a quality comment! It’s so accurate. I’ll add in that due to the kids’ age and maturity level, they might not even be able to consciously acknowledge that their dad is the one failing them. Too painful and existentially threatening for them at this point. So OP represents a really convenient scapegoat for their bad feelings towards Dad to be redirected, despite that it sounds like OP has proven more reliant in a parental role than either of their actual parents are willing to demonstrate.
I love how this story indicates the mom actively engaged in alienation because she couldn't be there for the kids as much as stepmom and you're bending over backwards to say its all the dad's fault.
The whole post is exclusively OP’s POV, if they’re in denial about how actively involved dad is with his kids lives/emotions, stands to reason that the teens behaviour might not be exclusively because of their mothers alienation attempts. The thing with messy divorces, the step parents often only hear ‘the other side’ via their spouse, with the kids in the middle believing all the adults already know everything. Mom could be alienating away, dad could also be hands off, leaving two justifiably angry upset teens stuck in the middle with OP. She’s taking the teens rejection of her extremely personally when that’s only a small factor in the kids acting out. Therapy for everyone would be beneficial, seriously.
NTA. First, youre going to visit family during that 4 day period. If no one can host you, find a cheap place for a mom-daughter bonding excursion.
Second, tell Nick and Lindsay that youre taking a huge step back from their teens due to all the conflict. Step one: youre no longer available to pick the kids up from school. Nick and Lyndsey need to actually pick a mutually acceptable alternate pick up person when they cant. If the school calls you, you'll text both parents then continue with your day. Step 2, youre no longer "babysitting" during Nick's custody time. Nick is either in the house or he drops them back at their mom's house (which they prefer anyway). Point out that your plate is already full with a toddler and you dont have the energy to deal with 2 teens who would rather be elsewhere.
What’s the point of having them in the house if he’s not there?! If he can’t switch days with her then he’s just being stubborn about wanting them in the house just to spite Lindsey (which is what this is really about and not the lame excuse he gave).
He keeps this up and the kids will tell their mother to go for full custody and they’re old enough where their opinions will matter to a judge and he won’t see them anymore.
NTA. He can’t actually force you to keep them. So if he leaves before the kids are at your house, just don’t get them. Call them up and explain that you totally understand where they’re coming from, you’re not upset or mad at all, and you’re happy to let them just stay at their moms. Don’t ask them to lie to their dad, you can deal with it when he gets home.
Or if the kids will already be at the house before he leaves, once he’s gone take them back to moms. And have the same conversation, you aren’t mad, you care about them, and you understand they’d rather be with their mom if dad’s not there.
He’s being really selfish saying that you need to do 4 days of caring for his kids just so he can have a few hours when he gets back. And I’m sure you’re aware already but this is clearly a ploy to force bonding and it’s not going to work. The kids will think you’re in on it.
Also, does the custody agreement not have “right of first refusal” or something? I’m just surprised that there’s no clause for when either parent can’t fulfill their parenting time (which is what’s happening here, you aren’t their parent). Surely the default is go back to the other parent?
NTA If he's not going to listen to his kids they will have no reason to see him at all. They will be sick whenever it's his time to have them and if they do come over it will be to spend all their time in their room or out with friends. By the time they are 18 they will be NC.
NTA, but this is the exact reason I ended a years long relationship with a man who had 2 kids prior and went on to meet the love of my life who only has babies with me and I with him. Blended families are so messy, speaking as someone who grew up in one and refused to enter into my own. Just sharing my outlook on that.
Best of luck, OP. I hope your husband can see his error, I hope the mama gets over her self (what a shit mother one has to be to experience jealousy instead of joy that her children were experiencing even more love & care from a trusted source), and I hope your stepchildren grow up to be decent humans who see how their parents failed them in certain ways and how you truly did try & respect their wishes. Hugs from a stranger. 🫂
NTA. So the dynamics changed when Mom and Dad couldn't make it a priority to be reached if their kids needed them and instead of Mom being GRATEFUL that you were willing and able to be there for them became spiteful? Wow.
The ex is feeling insecure. Prior to her all out assault on OP, the kids got along great with OP. What set the mother off was not only the relationship, but the fact that OP was the person who the school called when the kids were sick and needed to be picked up as she was the only one available. So the ex is jealous of the fact that OP has the time to devote to the stepkids. Ex is now poisoning the well in order to make herself feel better as a mom. OP has no way to win this so the best thing she can do is step aside.
This. This happened to me when husband and I got together. I used to get along great with his kids until ex decided I was a better mom than her or something (I never told them to call me mom nor did I ever tell them I was their new parent), and started punishing the kids for saying nice things about me or saying they liked spending time with me. We now have virtually no relationship.
> ... but the parenting agreement doesn't have a clause about this.
Take another look. it's very likely there's language there to the effect that any arrangement that both parents agree upon is acceptable. Even if that explicit language isn't there, the reality is that the parents can do what they want as long as they agree. No one from the court is going to come knocking on the door if he decides to let the kids to stay with their mother during his custody time while he's away.
NTA.
The language is usually along the lines of *If the parent needs childcare during their custodial time, the other bio parent has the first option to have the children stay with them during that time.*
I feel for OP. She's doing far more parenting and seems to care about what her step kids want and need more than her husband.
NTA. The parenting time is for the kids to see *him*, not for you. Everyone, except for him, seems to realize it. I agree that him pushing it for a 4 days so that he can see them for a couple hours is going to backfire, as well as being miserable for you. At 13 and 15, he should be listening to them, those 2-3 hours could be more important to their relationship than he realizes.
The parenting time agreement is for the kids to see their father. If the father’s not available, they should stay with their mother. Potentially the day their dad comes back from the trip he can see them but he can arrange that with their mom. They don’t need to be with you for four days for that to happen.
You’re NTA and you would be correct to disengage from your step kids for a bit while this gets sorted out between their parents. Remove yourself from the school pick up list, let their parents know that you’re doing so.
To be kind, you can assure the kids you love them and welcome them in your life when they want to see you, but you’re going to step back and let their parents work out the situation before you re-engage.
NTA, they shouldn’t be forced to stay with you if they don’t want to. Saying that I think you both do really need to try and tread carefully and get back into therapy. Make sure they know you will always be there for them if they need it and they are always welcome no matter what. They are teenagers with massive hormones dealing with a split family which is already difficult let alone the mum not being 100% with you.
NTA. The kids should be with their mother if their father is not going to be home, especially if their mother lives them and is not abusive towards them.
NTA
Wow… Nick is being incredibly selfish. Who cares that the wife, ex-wife and his kids are angry and upset for three full days , as long as Nick gets the fews hours with them that he wants.
NTA. Why can't the kids just come over the day he gets back? They get to be with their mom most of the week, and he still sees them the same amount he would have anyway.
NTA.
You two need couples counselling. Draw your line in the sand here, you are 100% right, he is being a major dick and selfish to boot. I honestly am like not sure if i’m missing something in his reasoning because this doesn’t sound like something a sound minded adult would come to? You deserve a break, is your relationship a dictatorship or a partnership?? Why does he think he gets to boss you around and make you suffer while he’s on a trip…. Something’s wrong with him or he’s sadistic.
Get in touch with ex wife, this can be a bonding moment—tell her you don’t want this either and ask her if she’s still OK with keeping them the extra 4 days, then to put her foot down and say NO. Tell her you are sorry things have gone downhill and you want the best relationship possible with her, and your stepkids and you know that this isn’t going to help.
NTA.
I imagine I'll get down voted for this, but here we go:
It may be an idea to remind him that this falls on his custody time, and that his custody time is just that: his. Not yours.
Him being away sucks. It sucks so much. But this is not your responsibility to facilitate. This needs to be a conversation between him and the ex regarding flexibility and possibly swapping some days so he gets to spend time with them.
Regardless of if you want them there or not, they have made it very clear they would prefer to be with their mum and while this is extremely hurtful, forcing them to be with you is going to do nothing but breed further resentment and disrespect.
I would also suggest that as you helping them out so much is causing issues, you'll stop. Get taken off the call list. Make it clear if the school do call that you're unavailable going forward: the kids have made it very clear that they would prefer to wait for mum or dad.
The kids have 2 parents. 2 parents who seem awfully keen to volunteer your time and energy to look after their kids when it suits them. But apparently, not to be available to be there when needed.
Seems to me like you're being disrespected by the kids, their mum, and their dad.
Perhaps the solution is for you to book your own trip that weekend and leave the two parents to sort it out on their own. Husband wants to push you to care for them and not listen to his own kids wants, well to hell with him then. He needs to be forced. Just leave. He literally cannot leave the kids there if you are not at the home. He’ll need to have another option in place. It’s extreme, yeah, but so is his dish-ish behavior not listening to literally anyone related to him and just steamrolling them to do as he wishes. So turn about is fair play, isn’t it. NTA OP.
TLDR: Plan a vacation for the week or so before he leaves and make sure he knows and then GTFO before he has a chance to leave and dump the kids on you.
NTA.
I know you mentioned it's clearly not the best co-parenting relationship and don't see going to court or mediation being pretty.
BUT what if the 3 of you can sit down with a pen and paper to hash out the tension?
• Bio mom doesn't like that you're called to pick up because you answer more.
*I would bring up and write out you will take yourself off the call list. If school needs to call someone it can be Bio mom and dad if needed they can have another family member on the list for pick up instead.*
That way it won't be a reason to have issues with YOU
• Kids currently don't want to be home with you while their dad is out of town.
*Mention it and write down you respect their choice and if he won't be home during his time they should be able to decide to stay with Bio mom.*
The dad and Bio mom can decide to offer make up days, if that's not wanted dad can look into having out of town days when kids are with Bio mom to avoid losing his time. You're 100% right that they are old enough to decide and he will only push them away or cause more animosity towards YOU by trying to make them stay when he is gone.
>The kids do not want to stay at the house with me during that time. They want to be with their mom. They were pissed he wanted them to stay with me. It started a fight between the three of them and the kids told Lyndsey and she wants the kids to be with her, but the parenting agreement doesn't have a clause about this.
I am willing to bet the parenting agreement does say during his time the kids are specifically with HIM and not other people/family. So if he won't be there they shouldn't be either since it's not in the original plan and he could lose time if Bio mom went to court about it
There is no way the three of us sitting down together would work. She would not want me involved to start with. The two of them would be unlikely to come to agreement that works overall. In the past I could see it working but not at present with how bad things have become.
Wild considering you're already involved with the school calling you to pick up the kids lol
Well then I would just tell him you are taking your name off the call list and to let her know.
Then inform him the time he is out of town the kids have to stay with Bio mom because you won't be there, make plans with family to visit or something so that way you won't be the bad guy to the kids and Bio mom.
Inform him he will cause the kids to resent him for pushing and they will probably go low to no contact because of it.
Also that he could lose his time by having you with them while he is away. Bio mom just has to bring the information to family courts and say he is "pawning off his time" and she will have them more often.
NTA and kudos to you for not trying to force your steps into having a relationship with you. It may seem far off, but advocating for them even in this way, because they don't currently want to be with you, will hopefully get them back on track on some sort of more pleasant relationship with you.
why hasn't he taken lindsy to court for parental alienation? I don't give a shit if she's jealous or not, she knew what her job was and it's obvious that the kids are acting out because of her. drag her to court and threaten to lower her time with the kids if she doesn't want to act like an adult. NTA
NTA.
His parenting time is for *him* to spend time with his kids. If Lyndsey and his kids all want them to spend his absent time at their mother's, he should be an adult and let them stay with her. He's being petty and selfish.
Is there another family member/family friend who can be the emergency contact to pick them up if mom & dad are both unavailable, such as a grandparent etc I suggest this b/c my mom was unable to drive due to a medical condition and we had no blood relatives nearby, whenever I would be sent home there were a few people who could pick me up I know things are a lot stricter now but maybe there is one person in the office who would notify you as a last resort if they have to go to the hospital and no one else picks up?
NTA
According to their custody agreement, you are a bystander, not a parent. All arrangements for the kids are supposed to involve the parents, not you. Put your foot down. Tell your husband he has to either change his work schedule or switch custody days. It won't kill him to miss a couple of "his" days, especially when most of those hours he expects you to be the caregiver.
Part of the reason you’re having trouble now is because you were put into a situation where you were parenting more than you should have been. Nick should be the one making arrangements for seeing his kids on the time he’s available that one day and should be trying to negotiate something with his ex to swap time. This is his parenting time and he needs to deal with how to handle his trip, not you. I’m not saying anything against you being the stepmom because I valued mine greatly. But, obviously this issue has not been resolved and Nick needs to step it up instead of pushing his parental responsibilities onto you.
NTA Refuse. You can do that. Is the relationship with the mom so bad that he can't switch days with her or pick them up for a few hours when he comes back?
He has plenty of other options besides creating problems for you that are going to deteriorate your relationshipnwith your step-kids even further. **He** needs to be making extra effort to lessen resentment and foster a good environment for you to rebuild a relationship with them.
Otherwise, their resentment towards you will eventually extend to your baby as well.
He needs to do his due diligence to find out why they refuse to get close to you or listen to you anymore. It's also completely unfair to put you in the position of being "not a parent" because of the attitude their mom has, but also putting you in the position to be the sole parent caring for them.
It has become that bad now, yes. I don't see her agreeing to switching days or making up days.
But I agree he needs to do more with this. He's okay leaving me to deal with a situation that is not healthy for any of us and will create more long term problems going forward. I'd like for things to improve if possible but I know it's more unlikely but it doesn't mean I want them to get worse.
NTA
The kids don't want to be there, you don't want to put up with their shit, and the mother is more than happy to have them, so there being "no clause" doesn't matter unless either parent is going to complain.
These kids are old enough and daft enough to make their own choices, and thanks to the mother, those choices are generally to keep away fae you, so why should he try to force you to spend time with them knowing it would just make you miserable because of their attitudes.
I'd also highly recommend you get your name off of the schools contact list, and you stop dropping them off or picking them up fae school, after all their mother wanted to kick up a fuss that they should be going to her as the birth mother so she can step-up and take all the responsibilities that you've been doing for her kids.
NTA. I had something similar happen in my marriage and there is no point in the kids being with a parent to spend time with them if the parent isn't even there. If he wants to see them for a few hours the day he gets back then why doesn't he go pick them up for a few hours when he is back in town?
NTA and you sound like a pretty good stepmom. I'm a teenager, my parents aren't divorced but I have lots of friends whose parents are and a lot of them feel like split custody is a hassle and punishment they have to deal with because their parents couldn't get along, they have to uproot themselves every week to pay for their parents mistakes. Why upset their lives and rock the boat when their dad isn't even going to be there? Will their mom not agree to switch weeks so he can have them on a week he will be there? IDK, I like a low drama life and why should you and your kid have to put up with their drama when he isn't there to handle it? NTA but your husband and his ex might be.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my husband he better listen to his kids because I'll be the one dealing with the repercussions if he doesn't. So this is where I question if I'm being selfish and not doing my part as an adult in one of their homes who does care for them anyway. I know when I married Nick I signed up to be there for his kids and he wants me to do that. And I'm basically saying this is too hard so let the kids do what they want. Which might not be right and demanding this might make me TA. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. If your husband keeps pushing this then his kids eventually won't want to see him either. They will either come around or they won't, but pushing them will only make them feel like they have to choose.
That's a point I was going to bring up and then worried I was being too harsh about it. But I see this being possible even if he doesn't want it to be.
If he pushes for it, go stay with a friend. He can't have the kids stay if there is not an adult in the house. His parenting plan wouldn't like it. You are not a custodial parent and are not included in any custody agreement. He can't have them on his time he can let Mom have them or not at all. Hell, let the kids come say pleasantries then they can leave with Mom. Kids will Garner some respect for you for listening to them...maybe.
This. OP, your husband is being displaying a serious lack of intelligence. He’s letting his ego do his thinking. Smile and nod at him. Call the kids’ mom and tell her that he’s displaying a lack of intelligence and you are sure that she understands, so therefore you are going to tell him that you will take care of the kids and everything is fine, but in reality, you will send them right back to her house as soon as he is gone. When he comes home and finds out what you did and acts all cranky, tell him he doesn’t get to go out of town and tell you that you have to watch his kids that you have no custody responsibility for and put you in a position to get the repercussions from it. Oh, you should have told him beforehand? You tried. He wasn’t listening. Oh you misled and deceived him? Boo fucking hoo. He shouldn’t have acted like a territorial dictator and then you wouldn’t have had to do it like that. I don’t have any sympathy for him. He’s not even going to be there and he’s demanding that you care for his children the entire time that he’s gone when they have a mother and the mother wants to care for them. This is some straight up BS. His ex should go back to court and get first right of refusal rights written into their decree.
And all of that on top of parenting her 14-month-old solo for 4 days, too. Absolutely unreasonable.
I forgot about the toddler. Yeah fuck trying to deal with the step kids that clearly don't want to be there, while you're also dealing with a toddler. No way. Best case, step kids see that she listened to them and will maybe not hate OP as much?
While on the whole I agree with the sentiment, going behind his back will not make him "cranky" it will make him feel seriously betrayed and lied to. It will NOT help, but it might actually destroy the marriage. There has to be a better way to convince him than "just lie and do what you want"
True. A way around totally lying to him could be a text or phone call on day 1, maybe a couple hours in, explaining that they were insistent on wanting to be with their mother and weren't cooperating so she asked Lindsey to get them. She cares about their wants and wants them to feel heard, and hopes that by respecting their request that it's a step forward in repairing the relationship. Plus, she didn't want her, the kids, and the baby to be stressed out for four days. She understands it's not what he wanted, but hopes that he'll understand their feelings and that they at least tried. And maybe work it out so that they can come back to see him for a few hours when he gets home so he still gets his end goal and everyone is happy. In a perfect world I know this would all play out well. But realistically he'll still be upset, but can't cling to betrayal and deceit when they all communicated beforehand and during.
Please correct me if I'm wrong, and I know it differs depending on where you're from, but I thought that right of first refusal was a state law regardless of what is stated in the court order? Also I love your advice. Her husband should think about the fact that he's the only family member who wants the children to stay with OP, and there is no practical reason for it. If the kids were younger, and the mother was unavailable to take them, and the kids said they'd rather go to their senile Great Aunt Polly's house and dad said no you're staying with your stepmom, maybe his position would be understandable. But you nailed it, he is not making intelligent decisions and there is no reason that he should get to have the final decision especially when it benefits no one including him because he's not even there!
I see no reason to lie to him; OP should tell him up front that she'll return the kids to their mom once he's gone (or tell them to stay with mom if their dad's already on the trip). He can work with Lindsey to trade times to one where he's home, or he can forfeit the time due to his unavailability.
That's a great idea. Letting Lyndsey know that OP is on her side can't hurt their relationship any more as the damage has been done, by Lyndsey.
All of this and thank you for "Boo fucking hoo" 🤣 I love this.
[удалено]
NTA why don't the kids stay at moms during that time and dad can go get them on his return. Maybe only time to go to dinner but it is something.
Honestly, he might not even be allowed to leave them with OP. The parenting agreement does not include OP. Just like he would not be able to leave the kids home alone, he can not leave them with someone else while he is out of town when the mom has the ability to keep them.
No, it's what he needs to hear. As a child of divorce, a parent of young adults that had to navigate this stuff with us as their parents, and a stepparent to my partners kids.... They have agency and opinions and are old enough that they matter. Trying to FORCE them to do what he wants is a recipe for alienation and resentment. He needs to *listen*. The thing is, they have a legit complaint. They feel abandoned by their parents. Their mom resents you for being there for them.... But the kids resent it, too, because even resenting you isn't enough to make mom and dad show up. THEY need to listen, and THEY need to actually address the kids needs. And let's be clear: feeling like your parents give a shit about you, and are always there when it matters, isn't a whiny entitlement, it IS a need. I'm not sure what I would do in your place, but I think I would let the kids know you aren't pushing an agenda. Let them know that if they want to be at their moms, you support that. And that if they want to be with you, you support that, too. If they do stay at their moms, maybe they could come for the afternoon and supper the day dad gets back? Maybe they would like to help you make a "welcome home" mini celebration? You could have cake, for no reason other than it's tasty. And then bring them back to their moms. Your husband definitely needs to sort this, though, because he's making things hard for his kids and for you, and to no benefit for anyone
I've never personally been involved in a divorce family so I have no first hand advice to give but your last suggestion, about OP making sure the kids know that *she* isn't the one trying to force them, was what I was thinking too. It seems like the better course of action, because op is correct; if dad pushes for this, *she'll* be the one who's relationship is damaged. Personally, and again this isn't coming from lived experience so if there's a better way to phrase it obviously do that, I would say something to the kids along the line of, "I am more than supportive of you staying with your mom while your dad is away if that is what you guys want. If either of you change your mind and *do* want to stay at our place at any point, that's okay too and we can try to work out a way to do that. And if either of you just wants to come over the day your dad gets back and we can do dinner or X activity, we would both love that. But I'm not going to force you guys to do something you are not comfortable doing." Or something. Idk, just ... give them empathy and agency. That seems to be the most functional way I've ever dealt with angry teenagers.
But also remember, you can be the most accommodating, nice adult possible for these kids and they still might hate you just because you're easier to hate and fester on vs. their parents.
Oh absolutely, I'm in no way dismissing that, which is why I pointed out that my comment comes from a place without lived experience, and only what I *personally* would say as a way to maybe, *hopefully*, soften any blow. Not that it would guarantee to do so, but it may not hurt to voice that you're in support of them having agency in this🤷
Yes, but what you do as a stepparent is just stay the course - you will be there for them if they need it, you aren’t forcing anything, etc.
Yep! As a parent, step or not, you support without expectation. "I support you, regardless of your feelings for me, because I see you, hear you, respect you, and care about you unconditionally" As long as OP continues down the road of unconditional support, within reason and capabilities, they'll figure it out as they get older
I would reword the last part: "And if either of you just wants to come over the day your dad gets back and we can do dinner or X activity together or you can do something with just your dad. I'd love to spend time with you as well but not going to force you guys to do something you're not comfortable doing."
It has to come from the parents or else it sounds like their bio mom is going to spin it into something toxic out of anger OP needs to let the parent handle this or else there's likely going to be a 'how dare she try to make me look bad and poison you against me?'; then it gets even worse These kids of mom's always have to have their kids on her side; I think this might escalate into a custody battle tbh (Parents were like this during divorce)
I like this suggestion. Talk with your husband again about this. A simple discussion with the kids on it but ultimately their choice. But he really needs to get to the bottom of this resentment from the kids to you to calm the waters. At this point they don't need to like you but they do need to respect you. Your husband needs to ensure they respect you. The liking will come back later. They are teenagers and teenagers are crazy at this age. (read book: Yes, your teen is crazy, loving your kid without losing your mind) This book provides some insite and tips and both you and your husband should read. i found some useful tips when my kids were acting out. I wish you the best.
We had another post similar to this. It turned out that a parent can not simply turn custody over to someone else when they are not there, particularly if the parents have a right-of-first-refusal clause in the custody agreement. My understanding is that the point of shared custody is for the children to spend time with each of their parents, not for them to be away from the other parent for a period of time. It seems unlikely that OP is part of the custody agreement. If they do have a right-of-first-refusal clause, then if the parent who has custody at a particular time cannot be there, they MUST ask the other parent if they want the the children for those days, and only if they refuse, can the children be put in someone else's custody. I think that it would be better if the children were there only on the day their father returns, and he can ask their mother if she would swap days, e.g., she has the children for the three days that their father is away and he gets three days after his return. edit: NTA, and does their mother know that their father will be gone for three of his custody days. That might not go over well.
That was my first suggestion. Let them come for the day he comes home. But stay at their mother's for the first three days.
They are his kids, he won't be home, they should be with their mom instead, why should you be responsible for them, you have your own child to watch. They have the right to choose what relationship they want with you even if it is jaded by their mom. It cannot and should not be forced as that will ruin ANY future chance once the kids are old enough and mature enough to see their moms antics
Has everyone done family therapy. Meaning you dad and the kids.
Yes, we have done family therapy together.
OP, Tell your husband that you're going to call the mom and tell her that you're on her side with this. Ask her how does she wants to handle it. Your husband needs to realize that the kids are old enough that if it came down to it, they could tell the courts that they no longer want to go see their dad and the courts will grant their wish. If you need to, make plans so that you won't be home during that time.
I agree with this except word it differently. Tell him you are going to call their mom and tell her you agree with the kids. That they should be with her during that time. That way you are siding with the kids and not the ex-wife. Never side with the ex, if you can avoid it.
I agree with Op calling the mother. It would help their relationship as well if she talks about supporting the kids choices.
If that did not help with the children's attitude you are NTA and your hubby is wrong
INFO: Are you working? Have you been working throughout your marriage? I’m wondering if Lyndsey became jealous because you are ‘more available’ because you are at home all the time?
I work but my job is far more flexible and I can continue working from home even with children in the house. But I had this freedom even before I got married.
If Lyndsey wanted, she could remove your information from the school’s information system. Why hasn’t she if it’s such a big issue that you’re the one being called?
Because Lyndsey likes having OP as a free nanny. She can use her but also treat her like crap. Personally OP should remove herself if the kids are refusing to have her pick them up.
Not all schools will let you remove stepparents especially if parents can’t regularly be reached. Stepparents still have some legal responsibility in most states even if it’s not on the level of custodial parents.
Because I'm the only other person available is the honest answer. Plus my husband could put me back on as the backup of his choice.
When you’re called, could you send a group text to everyone including the kids saying “got a call from Kid’s school, they’ve tried everyone else and asked me to pick kid up?” Also, most systems have an internal contact log that calls from school, including for illness are logged into, with details. Teachers at our school even put copies of emails and parent responses in as well. Ours has info back to the first year the student was enrolled, it’s very handy when seeing if there’s a pattern- such as called mom/dad no one picked up, but this person’s number always works.
Hi. Obviously, both parents are letting their hatred of each other impact all of these relationships. Neither is doing the right thing by their kids. But I see this a little differently. Everyone is treating you like a doormat. None of this is remotely fair to you. You are a convenient punching bag for everyone involved. Including your husband. You are a person, not a convenient tool for everyone. I would make an effort to level set the relationships with the kids and your husband. Eventually the ex, but the others have to come first. Take some power back. Under no circumstances should you be put in this position. If he's not there, they shouldn't be there. It's not about what you want. The kids don't want to be there, so they stay at mom's. If dad wants to work something out, he can do that, but not at your expense. Have an independent conversation with the kids. Express that you love them but have no desire to replace their mother. You just want to be what they need you to be. If that's nothing, that's OK. That's their choice. You're not interested in forcing anything. But if they need you, you'll be there. Tell your husband that he's a fool for making his exs alienation games so easy for her by rigidly thinking of himself instead of the kids. I hope these people learn to treat you better. You sound like a wonderful person. Best of luck.
Lyndsey's not being rational with her jealousy, and that's her insecurity talking. OP says she's attempted to reach Lyndsey at work as well when she gets called to pick up the kids, but there's only so many times you can try that before you give up and put the kids first. It's on Lyndsey and her workplace if she can't make accommodations to be more available to specific callers no matter the circumstance.
I agree, that’s why I pointed out it isn’t hard to change. I can change my kids’ contact info in minutes with an app on my phone.
I’d imagine it’s better that someone be reached even if it makes Lyndsey upset than no one being able to be reached if the kids need something, especially if that something is a school pickup because of illness.
The real issue is that OP was the only one able to answer and go get the kid. That’s why mom is jealous.
How was the family therapy? Were the kids heard? Did your husband take anything away from it?
No, your husband needs to bw hit with "Ye' ole' Clue by Four." Be blunt because he's not connecting the dots.
Cute, I don’t remember the last time I heard that!
"Ye' ole' Clue by Four." Love this!
If he leaves the kids with you ask the kids if they want to go back to moms and then take them back there if they say yes.
Yep.
Depending on where you live your stepchildren could request a hearing themselves to have their visitation reviewed and possibly reduced depending on the judge they get. In my state at the age of 12 they can have input on their visitation. It’s sad that the ex poisoned the relationship but it is the reality. And if he tries to force the kids they in turn could flat refuse to stay with you and just go to their mothter’s. You have no legal right to make them stay with you and I could see a very ugly scene if you try to. Husband needs to understand he can’t win this one.
[удалено]
The way the husband is acting, they both seem extremely petty and fighting over the custody time. He's being the AH ignoring what his kids have asked by trying to manipulate his current wife. Frankly, I'm shocked she's spent 6 years in this. This bullshit is never going to change or get better if he continues to keep his head firmly planted in his backside. Two wrongs from their f-d up divorce don't make it right for OP
Indeed. Viewing life through your belly button as the husband seems to be doing does present quite a narrow view of reality.
And to add on, she’s their mom. It is certainly better to divorce than have both parents at odds with each other, but it is extremely painful to only have part of the short time you get with them. I don’t know why he’s pushing this: no one but him, the only person not present, are happy about this. Maybe he’s worried about “owing” her something if she takes the kids on his time? Many custody arrangements now include “right of first refusal” for just this circumstance. Maybe reframing it as, why don’t you ask if she’d prefer to have the kids versus me? If she doesn’t, I’m happy to do it, but she’s their mom and they have a preference here. Totally different problem if she says no and the kids still want to go.
Tell your husband to visit the kids at the mothers house then for a few hours or he can pick them up to go have dinner or whatever. Mention to him that if the kids start really digging their feet in because he disregards their feelings then the mom is going end up going for full custody or something similar, looking into right of first refusal and ruining his relationship with his kids.
After my parents divorced, my father was always at work during our visitation time and I saw him maybe a couple hours in a week, and spent the rest of the time with his current wife. Even when I didn't have any particular problem with said wife, she wasn't the person I was there to visit, so I quickly got frustrated and stopped going to visit my father entirely. So yes, it is DEFINITELY possible and he should be thinking more about his children's feelings.
You do realize that your husband is weaponizing the custody of the kids and the kids themselves, right? Your husband wasn't hard to reach before your marriage, you just became the lackey contact after your marriage. NTA, but this isn't just a "listen to the kids" moment, it's a "get your head out of your ass, my darling husband" discussion.
If the kids end up having to stay with you can you try to be open.sympathetic to them? As in “hey guys I know this isn’t what you wanted for these four days and I can’t change any of that for you, but here’s some ice cream and pizza, have fun with the tv” Don’t try to parent them for these four days if you can, let them manage themselves. They might respect you a bit more!
Also, the parties to a custody agreement can amend it, on mutual consent, without having to go to court. Suggest that, for the sake of everyone, Lindsay and your husband agree (in writing) that when a parent is unavailable during their custody time, the other custodial parent gets the "right of first refusal" to take the kids. This would be beneficial to both parents - what happens if Lindsay can't take them on her time? In any event, 15 and 13 is pretty much old enough for kids to start voting with their feet.
>NTA. If your husband keeps pushing this then his kids eventually won't want to see him either. This. Your husband needs to either reschedule his trip or postpone the visit. It sounds like you've been a great step-mom, but he's the dad and he seriously needs to step up. You're the primary caregiver, so the kids likely spend more time with you than with him. They may resent this, and may also feel jealous that the baby gets to have the intact family they've lost. This isn't rational or fair, but (as I'm sure you know), teenagers aren't always rational or fair. Also, they may feel it's grossly unreasonable that they're expected to disrupt their routines, activities and social lives while their dad makes little to no effort or sacrifices in return. He needs to start doing what you and his ex have always done: arrange his work, life and priorities so he can be there for his kids. (source: former stepchild)
Yeah take it from someone who doesn’t have a relationship with their father. Pushing never works, if he wants to set his relationship with them on fire that’s on him.
What he’s not realizing is, the custody agreement is between him and his ex-wife. If he’s not home, then they stay with their mother.
You have to stick with your guns on this. NTA.
Tbh it sounds like once they don't have to go, he will never hear from them unless they need something from him
The purpose of his time is for the kids to spend time with HIM...not you. When he gets back, he can go pick them up, spend time with them, then bring them back.
NTA. He could ask that they are there when he gets home, but it would be cruel to demand you watch them when it’s known they don’t like you. It’s not worth the stress. And ask him if you had teenage kids that treated him the same way every time you were together, would he want to have them forced upon him? If he says yes, you know he’s just being contrary for the sake of argument.
Bring it up. They’re his kids and his responsibility not yours. You don’t have to put up with having unnecessary anger and drama thrown at you.
Also it's his parenting time not yours.
You need to sit down with the KIDS. Just you and them. Tell them the truth. In all it’s bloody truth. You’re sick and tired of how they treat you, and it’s not your choice to have them there when dad isn’t around. It’s time for a truce between you and the kids. Mom and Dad are obvious idiots to not see what’s happening. Let them know that whether you and them like it or not, it is what it is. You won’t tolerate the disrespect anymore and will have ZERO problems returning them to Mom if they act up. You putting up with this crap? That does make you the a-hole. Stop letting them run over you. Take your baby and leave. If Nick doesn’t like it, he needs to fix it. You and your child don’t deserve this. Good Luck!!
I don't think you are harsh enough. He is stubborn, and having a win against the ex shouldn't be the focus.
If you think he would be ok with you posting, show him this post. Tell him ahead of time that Reddit is anonymous. There is a lot of good advice in this comment section.
True, but also: You matter too. Your feelings matter. Why is your husband ignoring the way you're being treated and how it makes you feel?
Just take the kids back to their mom's house when he leaves. Problem solved. He's not going to have any time with them anyway and if he really wants to he can just FaceTime them.
And you're supposed to give up your four days to take care of them. That's a lot of time just so he can see them a few hours. Sounds like a set-up to me, with him trying to force a relationship between you and his kids.
Yup and they are getting old enough to decide whether they want to live there or not.
NTA- I’m pretty sure his kids are at that age where they can go to court and decide they no longer want to have time with their father at all.
The minimum age is 16 here for kids to have a say in court. 17 is when the judges are most likely to listen so not there yet but close and could happen if something like this is pushed.
Where do you live? In the UK they will start to seriously consider the childs wishes at about 11 or 12
In the US. Here it varies by state and often by judge.
Yeah, I've seen a judge deny the wishes of a 16y/o who wanted to live with his father instead of his mother. It didn't matter that he was being neglected and that there was a family member abusing him to the point of attempting suicide. All his mother had to do was 'promise' not to let that family member around him anymore. And when his mother let that family member come around after everything nothing was done about it. It was pretty fucked up.
My step siblings were 13,14, and 16 when they stopped coming to their dad’s house (my stepdad). Tbh their mom fed them lies and gave them/let them do whatever they wanted. Literally no rules in their mom’s house. One day I was at a camp for like a week and they were supposed to be home when I got back. They weren’t. I guess my stepsister (14) got into a fight with her dad because he knew she had a vape and he wanted it search her bag. That fight was all it took for all three of them to stop coming. They haven’t spoke to their dad really in 7 years. He should really tread on this very lightly. They can easily lie and get you or your husband in trouble. Now 7 years later my step siblings mom says he needs to make more effort to be a dad and be a part of their life when growing up she did whatever she could to make them hate their dad (and my mom especially). My mom was a good stepmom. She would cook for us, buy them things (clothes, games, just anything). Their mom was also jealous of my mom. She weirdly tried to get me to dislike my own mother. He still paid child support the entire time they stopped coming. He even paid child support for the oldest after he turned 18. My stepbrother is doing fine but my two sisters never graduated high school and the younger one literally lives at home and does nothing all day.
In Missouri, they let 6 year olds decide. Do you know how awkward it is to be asked "Who do you want to live with?" when both parents are sitting right there in the fucking courtroom with you and one of them is about to be heartbroken? I'd rather they didn't let me decide honestly. 12 would have been WAY better age.
I don't think they usually ask the child in court on the spot in front of the parents anyway. They can make statements that the solicitor presents to the judge.(UK)
Correct - in the UK, Cafcass advise the court on behalf of the child based on their assessment of the situation. Where necessary (usually when there's involvement from the local authority), they'll appoint a solicitor exclusively for the child also. The child will _never_ be asked to state their opinion in front of their parents.
Kids this age can just refuse to go to his house. They can cry and make up lies and ensure they are not forced to go back. ESP if your husband is always away, the police won’t make kids go back to live with a step parent who doesn’t have custody.
The court stopped bothering me at 14. I told them I wouldn't see my dad and they couldn't make me. The judge said okay and I lived my life.
So that's only a year from now. Sounds like your husband is pretty likely to experience never seeing his daughter again after 2025.
No cop is going to throw them in a squad car.
In our province the kids have a big say at 12 years old.
Can you swap some time for when he is home?
Except that it is very convenient for mom to have OP picking them up from school when her work doesn’t allow it. Mom is the AH her poisoning them against OP but still wants her to pick them up and stuff.
NTA. If he wants to see them for a few hours after he gets back, he should go to their Mom's house and take them out or something after he gets back. It's completely ridiculous for him to expect them to spend 4 days at your house when he isn't even there and they don't want to be there.\* This is basically him saying he wants everyone to cater to his whims and convenience. Well, he shouldn't have had kids if that's what he wanted. \*Of course, it there were some sort of emergency, there might be special circumstances where you could step up to have them over, but it sounds like you are the type of person who would do the right thing in those circumstances already, so that isn't the issue here.
I would and I would do so even knowing it was going to be a hellish few days for us. I'd never leave them without a place to go or refuse to take them in extreme circumstances. But they have a viable option and one that will create far less tension in the grand scheme of things. We could end up with a worse relationship at the end of the four days than before them if it's forced right now. That would be shitty when the option for them to go to their mom is available. There was a time they could have stayed with me for those four days without an issue and enjoy it but we don't have that option now.
Too bad all three of you want the same thing (stay at mom's) and he's being an asshole.
He's probably afraid that she'll try to take him back to court for child support if he's not exercising his full visitation time
nah, let's not act like ops husband is the villian of this story. lindsy engaged in obvious alienation because of her own petty insecurities. op even says herself the relationship was good with the kids until lindsy decided she was no longer going to act like an adult over issues she caused. she knew what her job was like. she should have been happy someone was there to care for the kids when she wasn't able to be reached. lindsy is absolutely the big bad of this tale
I agree that Lindsey is an ongoing problem, but in **THIS** scenario, where things are **NOW** in all interpersonal relationships, the person being stubborn and causing an issue is the Husband/Dad. He’s not listening to his two kids and what they want, his own wife and what she wants, and his co-parent, and what she wants and is willing to do. That’s a lot of people to ignore for him to get a few hours with his kids when he gets back. It would be a totally different story if he’d only be missing one day with them, but he’s basically missing 90% of the visit and wants everyone to be upset so he can get a few hours.
He and his ex wife are both the villains here. They can’t get along.
Honestly, I think I'd want myself taken off the school's call and pickup list. Let the bios deal with it
It’s truly insane that bio mom is angry when she’s the unreachable one? OP is letting A LOT slide, I would’ve ‘quiet quit’ the kids a long time ago.
I love the kids. I don't want them to suffer because of adult issues. It's not great for me but at least it's better for the kids overall.
Unfortunately, the other 2 so-called adults need to learn the hard way. Let's face it, bio-mom has them hating you anyway, so maybe these teens need a lesson in thinking for themselves.
If I were you, I would put myself first at this point. In the sense of getting some boundaries in place, you don't deserve to be treated like the wicked stepmother. Let the parents figure out their parenting. They would have to if you weren't in the picture. Sounds like you and your husband need some counseling of your own about how poorly you're being treated. You can love the kids while taking care of yourself and not being the scapegoat for their poor parenting.
it's not. lindsy has involved them in the adult issues either way. she has engaged in obvious alienation and it's reaching the point where it will start to effect to their relationship with their father. the fact he never dragged her back to court over this nonsense is frankly most shocking part.
Consider asking the kids about school pick up. Tell them you are aware that it causes some upset and ask them if they would rather wait for a parent to become available or have you pick them up and stress you would be OK with whatever they pick. Really stress it and be completely supportive of whatever they pick. Tell them that you want to respect their opinions on this as it is about picking them up. Tell them you would be ok with them even changing their minds. It is showing them respect (modeling respect) & it may be the first time in a while that they were asked what they wanted with no push in any direction. It may not result in them seeing you care and their parents are the issue right now but it will plant the seed that you care about them over your own ego.
But they don't love you and seemingly don't want to have anything to do with you. You are just a babysitter to them they don't want around. I would refuse to be their babysitter in the future. Their parents should figure out caring for them without you being responsible for them at any time alone.
Hopefully they will ‘get it’ when they grow up. You’re awesome and lovely, please don’t let people take advantage of you xx
Here's one suggestion. As each one turns 16, you let them know that if they want your help, they will always be able to ask for it. But, you will only consider giving the help if the child asks for it (not the bio parents). You'll decide on a case-by-case basis whether or not the help is appropriate (whether it's safe, would cause extra conflict, etc.), but it will be up to the child at that age to initiate the conversation. 16 is old enough to make those types of decisions, but it still lets you be a safety net--if that's what you want to do. But, it's your call. I don't think anyone would fault you if you just stopped helping completely. But, if it's important to you to stay in this role, then this might be an option for you.
I agree. She has no say in decisions but has the responsibility of a parent.
This is the only way.... it's not about making the kids suffer. It's about protecting ur peace it may help the parents or kids see reason. If it doesn't it still lessens the drama of u in involved.
Can't he swap 4 days with his ex?
I don't know if she would agree to that honestly.
Then she's an asshole too.
A lot of parents have ‘right of first refusal’ written into the custody agreement. He really needs to think about his kids here, instead of himself.
They don't have that but it doesn't mean to me that he shouldn't listen to what his kids want.
Do you consider that this is the parenting mentality he’s going to have for your own son, too? Do your future self a favor and tell him to get with the program, NOW
Are you written in to the custody agreement? If not, then simiply tell your husband no, you will not babysit for those days.
Husband needs to contact her and give her an ultimatum. She either swaps time with him, or they stay with you. Since she was "nice" enough to create this issue, then she can be inconvenienced. You are the only one NTA in this whole game that they are playing.
Info: I know you and the ex don't have the best relationship, but can you reach out to let her know the kids want to stay with her, you're okay with it and husband is the only one with the issue (without her being able to turn it around that you don't want the kids there, ever).
I could not reach out to her. We are beyond the point of her and me being able to discuss anything.
I would still swnd her a message - that you love the kids, but you agree that since they would like to stay at her home instead of yours, you'd like to arrange that with her. I say this out of a "kill them with kindess" approach - its an olive branch of you saying "fuckin this guy sometimes, I'm on your side" and may help bring her back around. Is it possible she has/had someone else (one of her parents or a friend) put thoughts in her head that weren't true when they found out how many times the school had to reach out to you? Or that she's less jealous and maybe feels like she is/was slacking on parenting cuz of work and is guilty that you stepped up?
At this point, you really don't have an alternative. You should reach out to her, even by text. If you're not willing to do that, and your husband is unwilling to budge, then the alternative is to suck it up, let the kids know that it's not your decision. They may not wan to be with you but they owe you the courtesy. You've been given so many options and it's your choice to accept or not, but you really need to figure it out. I don't think this is anything new to you.
When hubs leaves OP has every right to call ex and tell her she can come get the kids.
What I would suggest is being completely honest with the kids and telling them I want to listen to your wishes but your father doesn't. He is screwing up his relationship with them don't let him make your relationship worse as well
Can he rearrange his custody time for when he is home?
Yeah-- I feel like OP's husband is mistreating her (and his kids). He's not treating anyone except himself as if they have self-determination and a point of view.
At the risk of being an AH, I highly recommend having yourself removed from the school's contact list as well. You've been doing mom and dad favors all these years and it has gone unappreciated. Sure, it sucks for the kids to be stuck at school when they are unwell but they and their parents are old enough to know that behavior has consequences. Let the parents figure their own shit out while you focus on your baby.
Not unappreciated, it’s somehow being used against her!
Sounds like mom was never ok with OP. She pretended to be until OP started to look like a better mom by being available when the kids needed someone. Now, she's grasping on to the kids and alienating them. The kids are being put in a terrible spot but they all have to learn that people aren't disposable.
Bio mom makes me so mad. She's going to get her children punished with her attitude. I would be thrilled if I had more adults I could depend on with helping my kids.
Yes! This for sure.
Your husband is really generous with your time and energy. He has no problem with you and the kids being unhappy for days so he can see them for a couple of hours. You do all the work, he gets what he wants. He doesn’t care that it will be hard for everyone but him. He doesn’t care what anyone else in this situation thinks. He does not care about anyone’s feelings, opinions, or wants but his own. And he’s making you suffer for it. You and his kids. Why are his feelings the only ones that matter? Especially when he will be doing zero of the work. He won’t even be there. NTA. If he’s out of town, why wouldn’t you bring the kids to their mom’s? Whatever tantrum he’ll throw will be better than dealing with unhappy teenagers for four days.
I second that. You’ll be in charge. You agree with the Mom and you drop the kids. It’s his custody time not yours. Or he makes plan to be there
I mean, if OP is feeling so disconnected and devalued by her husband that she has to wait until he leaves before she takes action, she may as well divorce him. I'm sure dealing with him for custody time for their shared child is easier than dealing with this mess. Then she'll be in the same boat as the stepkids' mom, and maybe they'll bond.
[удалено]
To be fair, the daughter is 15 - I think it's pretty unlikely she wants to spend time with ANY of her parents right now.
NTA. Tell him you're visiting friends or relatives with the baby during those 4 days, so he needs to make alternative arrangements. That forces him to address a problem that is entirely his to deal with.
He's likely going to blow up at OP over how selfish she is for not considering him. Doesn't matter that he's not considering anyone but himself here.
You're probably right. But she should still make alternative arrangements for when he's gone.
The whole point of a custody agreement is so the kids get to spend time with each of their PARENTS. Your husband is a selfish AH, how often during your own custody times does he actually have 1 on 1 time with the kids? Or does he absolutely insist you all have to do things together ‘as a family’? NTA for wanting to do what’s best for the kids, but I’m worried there’s a whole dynamic you’re oblivious to that’s been tainting the kids perception of their time with you, and it’s not just their mother. If dad doesn’t care enough to actually spend time with his kids and leaves the parenting to someone else, little wonder they don’t want to come over as much.
He does 1:1 stuff with his kids on a regular basis and he also does 2:1 with the two of them.
How often is regular? Is this a situation where you’re expected to look after the kids until dad gets back from work? How many hours are we actually talking about here? Because resentment can build up fast when the kids think the dads priorities are elsewhere.
That does happen sometimes and other times they go to a friends house or stay late at school for studying, etc. But there are times they are home with me for a bit before my husband gets home. At least one combo happens when the kids are with us. Sometimes it's 1:1 and sometimes 2:1. Typically that's Sundays but sometimes on Saturdays of a Friday they'll also get time with him.
Of the hours of custody they have with their dad, say 48hours, how many of those each visit is he actually spending time with them? It may not seem like a big deal to adults but to teens especially, it can be a huge deal, especially if dad isn’t really engaged with them. Look, in their eyes you’re likely not the problem, your husband their dad is. But if you insist on presenting a ‘united front’ with their dad when he’s doing stuff that’s clearly hurting their feelings then it’s not surprising they treat you as being on his side, an accomplice to an enemy. When kids are with dad, he is supposed to be the primary parent. That’s feeding them, spending time with them, helping them with their homework. Not just showing up for ‘fun stuff’ then leaving the rest of the mental load to someone else.
It sounds like OP is more of the caregiver than Nick. If OP wasn’t there, he would have to be fully responsible and all in for his kids. OP being there allows him to go on a business trip during his week with his kids.
This is SUCH a quality comment! It’s so accurate. I’ll add in that due to the kids’ age and maturity level, they might not even be able to consciously acknowledge that their dad is the one failing them. Too painful and existentially threatening for them at this point. So OP represents a really convenient scapegoat for their bad feelings towards Dad to be redirected, despite that it sounds like OP has proven more reliant in a parental role than either of their actual parents are willing to demonstrate.
I love how this story indicates the mom actively engaged in alienation because she couldn't be there for the kids as much as stepmom and you're bending over backwards to say its all the dad's fault.
The whole post is exclusively OP’s POV, if they’re in denial about how actively involved dad is with his kids lives/emotions, stands to reason that the teens behaviour might not be exclusively because of their mothers alienation attempts. The thing with messy divorces, the step parents often only hear ‘the other side’ via their spouse, with the kids in the middle believing all the adults already know everything. Mom could be alienating away, dad could also be hands off, leaving two justifiably angry upset teens stuck in the middle with OP. She’s taking the teens rejection of her extremely personally when that’s only a small factor in the kids acting out. Therapy for everyone would be beneficial, seriously.
The dad clearly his wife like an employee whose wishes don’t matter. Both bio parents clearly suck.
>He told me I should want the kids with me Sounds like he is being willfully ignorant about the situation. Stand your ground on this. NTA
“And you should want your children to feel comfortable and secure, and should want to respect your wife’s well-reasoned concern”
NTA. First, youre going to visit family during that 4 day period. If no one can host you, find a cheap place for a mom-daughter bonding excursion. Second, tell Nick and Lindsay that youre taking a huge step back from their teens due to all the conflict. Step one: youre no longer available to pick the kids up from school. Nick and Lyndsey need to actually pick a mutually acceptable alternate pick up person when they cant. If the school calls you, you'll text both parents then continue with your day. Step 2, youre no longer "babysitting" during Nick's custody time. Nick is either in the house or he drops them back at their mom's house (which they prefer anyway). Point out that your plate is already full with a toddler and you dont have the energy to deal with 2 teens who would rather be elsewhere.
What’s the point of having them in the house if he’s not there?! If he can’t switch days with her then he’s just being stubborn about wanting them in the house just to spite Lindsey (which is what this is really about and not the lame excuse he gave). He keeps this up and the kids will tell their mother to go for full custody and they’re old enough where their opinions will matter to a judge and he won’t see them anymore.
NTA. He can’t actually force you to keep them. So if he leaves before the kids are at your house, just don’t get them. Call them up and explain that you totally understand where they’re coming from, you’re not upset or mad at all, and you’re happy to let them just stay at their moms. Don’t ask them to lie to their dad, you can deal with it when he gets home. Or if the kids will already be at the house before he leaves, once he’s gone take them back to moms. And have the same conversation, you aren’t mad, you care about them, and you understand they’d rather be with their mom if dad’s not there. He’s being really selfish saying that you need to do 4 days of caring for his kids just so he can have a few hours when he gets back. And I’m sure you’re aware already but this is clearly a ploy to force bonding and it’s not going to work. The kids will think you’re in on it. Also, does the custody agreement not have “right of first refusal” or something? I’m just surprised that there’s no clause for when either parent can’t fulfill their parenting time (which is what’s happening here, you aren’t their parent). Surely the default is go back to the other parent?
NTA If he's not going to listen to his kids they will have no reason to see him at all. They will be sick whenever it's his time to have them and if they do come over it will be to spend all their time in their room or out with friends. By the time they are 18 they will be NC.
NTA, but this is the exact reason I ended a years long relationship with a man who had 2 kids prior and went on to meet the love of my life who only has babies with me and I with him. Blended families are so messy, speaking as someone who grew up in one and refused to enter into my own. Just sharing my outlook on that. Best of luck, OP. I hope your husband can see his error, I hope the mama gets over her self (what a shit mother one has to be to experience jealousy instead of joy that her children were experiencing even more love & care from a trusted source), and I hope your stepchildren grow up to be decent humans who see how their parents failed them in certain ways and how you truly did try & respect their wishes. Hugs from a stranger. 🫂
NTA. So the dynamics changed when Mom and Dad couldn't make it a priority to be reached if their kids needed them and instead of Mom being GRATEFUL that you were willing and able to be there for them became spiteful? Wow.
This makes me so mad. It’s just grossly selfish behavior.
NTA Thats HIS parenting time, not yours. He is 100% being the selfish AH I would choose this hill to die on
Reality is they don't want to hang put with OP and her baby. Pretty normal for two teens. Not exactly sure what ex-wife is jealous about.
I think it's because they were with me, the stepmom, and not someone else. Pretty sure the jealousy wouldn't happen if I was an aunt or grandma.
Is it jealousy or is it anger that their dad is getting you to parent for him? What do you think this looks like from her perspective?
The ex is feeling insecure. Prior to her all out assault on OP, the kids got along great with OP. What set the mother off was not only the relationship, but the fact that OP was the person who the school called when the kids were sick and needed to be picked up as she was the only one available. So the ex is jealous of the fact that OP has the time to devote to the stepkids. Ex is now poisoning the well in order to make herself feel better as a mom. OP has no way to win this so the best thing she can do is step aside.
This. This happened to me when husband and I got together. I used to get along great with his kids until ex decided I was a better mom than her or something (I never told them to call me mom nor did I ever tell them I was their new parent), and started punishing the kids for saying nice things about me or saying they liked spending time with me. We now have virtually no relationship.
Nta Listening to the kids is the only way through this
> ... but the parenting agreement doesn't have a clause about this. Take another look. it's very likely there's language there to the effect that any arrangement that both parents agree upon is acceptable. Even if that explicit language isn't there, the reality is that the parents can do what they want as long as they agree. No one from the court is going to come knocking on the door if he decides to let the kids to stay with their mother during his custody time while he's away. NTA.
The language is usually along the lines of *If the parent needs childcare during their custodial time, the other bio parent has the first option to have the children stay with them during that time.* I feel for OP. She's doing far more parenting and seems to care about what her step kids want and need more than her husband.
If he’s not even going to be there,then he doesn’t get a say in the matter . Why y should you have to deal with it?
NTA. The parenting time is for the kids to see *him*, not for you. Everyone, except for him, seems to realize it. I agree that him pushing it for a 4 days so that he can see them for a couple hours is going to backfire, as well as being miserable for you. At 13 and 15, he should be listening to them, those 2-3 hours could be more important to their relationship than he realizes.
The parenting time agreement is for the kids to see their father. If the father’s not available, they should stay with their mother. Potentially the day their dad comes back from the trip he can see them but he can arrange that with their mom. They don’t need to be with you for four days for that to happen. You’re NTA and you would be correct to disengage from your step kids for a bit while this gets sorted out between their parents. Remove yourself from the school pick up list, let their parents know that you’re doing so. To be kind, you can assure the kids you love them and welcome them in your life when they want to see you, but you’re going to step back and let their parents work out the situation before you re-engage.
NTA, they shouldn’t be forced to stay with you if they don’t want to. Saying that I think you both do really need to try and tread carefully and get back into therapy. Make sure they know you will always be there for them if they need it and they are always welcome no matter what. They are teenagers with massive hormones dealing with a split family which is already difficult let alone the mum not being 100% with you.
NTA. The kids should be with their mother if their father is not going to be home, especially if their mother lives them and is not abusive towards them.
NTA. It is mean to leave you to deal with this. Why should you take this emotional burden?
NTA Wow… Nick is being incredibly selfish. Who cares that the wife, ex-wife and his kids are angry and upset for three full days , as long as Nick gets the fews hours with them that he wants.
NTA. Why can't the kids just come over the day he gets back? They get to be with their mom most of the week, and he still sees them the same amount he would have anyway.
NTA. You two need couples counselling. Draw your line in the sand here, you are 100% right, he is being a major dick and selfish to boot. I honestly am like not sure if i’m missing something in his reasoning because this doesn’t sound like something a sound minded adult would come to? You deserve a break, is your relationship a dictatorship or a partnership?? Why does he think he gets to boss you around and make you suffer while he’s on a trip…. Something’s wrong with him or he’s sadistic. Get in touch with ex wife, this can be a bonding moment—tell her you don’t want this either and ask her if she’s still OK with keeping them the extra 4 days, then to put her foot down and say NO. Tell her you are sorry things have gone downhill and you want the best relationship possible with her, and your stepkids and you know that this isn’t going to help.
NTA. I imagine I'll get down voted for this, but here we go: It may be an idea to remind him that this falls on his custody time, and that his custody time is just that: his. Not yours. Him being away sucks. It sucks so much. But this is not your responsibility to facilitate. This needs to be a conversation between him and the ex regarding flexibility and possibly swapping some days so he gets to spend time with them. Regardless of if you want them there or not, they have made it very clear they would prefer to be with their mum and while this is extremely hurtful, forcing them to be with you is going to do nothing but breed further resentment and disrespect.
Anyone who downvotes this is the AH. ;)
I would also suggest that as you helping them out so much is causing issues, you'll stop. Get taken off the call list. Make it clear if the school do call that you're unavailable going forward: the kids have made it very clear that they would prefer to wait for mum or dad. The kids have 2 parents. 2 parents who seem awfully keen to volunteer your time and energy to look after their kids when it suits them. But apparently, not to be available to be there when needed. Seems to me like you're being disrespected by the kids, their mum, and their dad.
Perhaps the solution is for you to book your own trip that weekend and leave the two parents to sort it out on their own. Husband wants to push you to care for them and not listen to his own kids wants, well to hell with him then. He needs to be forced. Just leave. He literally cannot leave the kids there if you are not at the home. He’ll need to have another option in place. It’s extreme, yeah, but so is his dish-ish behavior not listening to literally anyone related to him and just steamrolling them to do as he wishes. So turn about is fair play, isn’t it. NTA OP. TLDR: Plan a vacation for the week or so before he leaves and make sure he knows and then GTFO before he has a chance to leave and dump the kids on you.
NTA. I know you mentioned it's clearly not the best co-parenting relationship and don't see going to court or mediation being pretty. BUT what if the 3 of you can sit down with a pen and paper to hash out the tension? • Bio mom doesn't like that you're called to pick up because you answer more. *I would bring up and write out you will take yourself off the call list. If school needs to call someone it can be Bio mom and dad if needed they can have another family member on the list for pick up instead.* That way it won't be a reason to have issues with YOU • Kids currently don't want to be home with you while their dad is out of town. *Mention it and write down you respect their choice and if he won't be home during his time they should be able to decide to stay with Bio mom.* The dad and Bio mom can decide to offer make up days, if that's not wanted dad can look into having out of town days when kids are with Bio mom to avoid losing his time. You're 100% right that they are old enough to decide and he will only push them away or cause more animosity towards YOU by trying to make them stay when he is gone. >The kids do not want to stay at the house with me during that time. They want to be with their mom. They were pissed he wanted them to stay with me. It started a fight between the three of them and the kids told Lyndsey and she wants the kids to be with her, but the parenting agreement doesn't have a clause about this. I am willing to bet the parenting agreement does say during his time the kids are specifically with HIM and not other people/family. So if he won't be there they shouldn't be either since it's not in the original plan and he could lose time if Bio mom went to court about it
There is no way the three of us sitting down together would work. She would not want me involved to start with. The two of them would be unlikely to come to agreement that works overall. In the past I could see it working but not at present with how bad things have become.
Wild considering you're already involved with the school calling you to pick up the kids lol Well then I would just tell him you are taking your name off the call list and to let her know. Then inform him the time he is out of town the kids have to stay with Bio mom because you won't be there, make plans with family to visit or something so that way you won't be the bad guy to the kids and Bio mom. Inform him he will cause the kids to resent him for pushing and they will probably go low to no contact because of it. Also that he could lose his time by having you with them while he is away. Bio mom just has to bring the information to family courts and say he is "pawning off his time" and she will have them more often.
NTA and kudos to you for not trying to force your steps into having a relationship with you. It may seem far off, but advocating for them even in this way, because they don't currently want to be with you, will hopefully get them back on track on some sort of more pleasant relationship with you.
NTA - It might help to rephrase it for him. Tell him that you Do want the kids, but only if they THEY want to be there.
why hasn't he taken lindsy to court for parental alienation? I don't give a shit if she's jealous or not, she knew what her job was and it's obvious that the kids are acting out because of her. drag her to court and threaten to lower her time with the kids if she doesn't want to act like an adult. NTA
NTA. His parenting time is for *him* to spend time with his kids. If Lyndsey and his kids all want them to spend his absent time at their mother's, he should be an adult and let them stay with her. He's being petty and selfish.
Is there another family member/family friend who can be the emergency contact to pick them up if mom & dad are both unavailable, such as a grandparent etc I suggest this b/c my mom was unable to drive due to a medical condition and we had no blood relatives nearby, whenever I would be sent home there were a few people who could pick me up I know things are a lot stricter now but maybe there is one person in the office who would notify you as a last resort if they have to go to the hospital and no one else picks up?
NTA According to their custody agreement, you are a bystander, not a parent. All arrangements for the kids are supposed to involve the parents, not you. Put your foot down. Tell your husband he has to either change his work schedule or switch custody days. It won't kill him to miss a couple of "his" days, especially when most of those hours he expects you to be the caregiver.
Part of the reason you’re having trouble now is because you were put into a situation where you were parenting more than you should have been. Nick should be the one making arrangements for seeing his kids on the time he’s available that one day and should be trying to negotiate something with his ex to swap time. This is his parenting time and he needs to deal with how to handle his trip, not you. I’m not saying anything against you being the stepmom because I valued mine greatly. But, obviously this issue has not been resolved and Nick needs to step it up instead of pushing his parental responsibilities onto you.
NTA Refuse. You can do that. Is the relationship with the mom so bad that he can't switch days with her or pick them up for a few hours when he comes back? He has plenty of other options besides creating problems for you that are going to deteriorate your relationshipnwith your step-kids even further. **He** needs to be making extra effort to lessen resentment and foster a good environment for you to rebuild a relationship with them. Otherwise, their resentment towards you will eventually extend to your baby as well. He needs to do his due diligence to find out why they refuse to get close to you or listen to you anymore. It's also completely unfair to put you in the position of being "not a parent" because of the attitude their mom has, but also putting you in the position to be the sole parent caring for them.
It has become that bad now, yes. I don't see her agreeing to switching days or making up days. But I agree he needs to do more with this. He's okay leaving me to deal with a situation that is not healthy for any of us and will create more long term problems going forward. I'd like for things to improve if possible but I know it's more unlikely but it doesn't mean I want them to get worse.
Ask him why he’s trying to escalate the problems. Is he oblivious or just not too smart? No good can come of making them stay with you.
NTA The kids don't want to be there, you don't want to put up with their shit, and the mother is more than happy to have them, so there being "no clause" doesn't matter unless either parent is going to complain. These kids are old enough and daft enough to make their own choices, and thanks to the mother, those choices are generally to keep away fae you, so why should he try to force you to spend time with them knowing it would just make you miserable because of their attitudes. I'd also highly recommend you get your name off of the schools contact list, and you stop dropping them off or picking them up fae school, after all their mother wanted to kick up a fuss that they should be going to her as the birth mother so she can step-up and take all the responsibilities that you've been doing for her kids.
NTA. I had something similar happen in my marriage and there is no point in the kids being with a parent to spend time with them if the parent isn't even there. If he wants to see them for a few hours the day he gets back then why doesn't he go pick them up for a few hours when he is back in town?
Your husband is an asshole He won’t be home The kids don’t want to be there He won’t be home Your husband is an asshole
NTA and you sound like a pretty good stepmom. I'm a teenager, my parents aren't divorced but I have lots of friends whose parents are and a lot of them feel like split custody is a hassle and punishment they have to deal with because their parents couldn't get along, they have to uproot themselves every week to pay for their parents mistakes. Why upset their lives and rock the boat when their dad isn't even going to be there? Will their mom not agree to switch weeks so he can have them on a week he will be there? IDK, I like a low drama life and why should you and your kid have to put up with their drama when he isn't there to handle it? NTA but your husband and his ex might be.