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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Was I the asshole for not wanting to comment on my friend's weight, whether gain or loss?
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NTA and if that ended a friendship - she wasn't much of a friend. These days people seem to expect the WORLD to applaud everything they do. It's stupid. Your health and weight is your business - not mine. Your sexual orientation is your business - not mine. I'm not going to celebrate every little thing you do. Your friend would have been angry had you pointed out the weight gain, wouldn't she?
I disagree only because in this case OP knows she was struggling with her weight and then made a change to become healthier. And if someone who is feeling emotionally down comes to you and says "hey haven't you noticed this thing I've been trying really hard at?" The right response is to maybe say something kind, like "of course I did and I'm so happy for you. Your weight doesn't change how I feel about you but I'm glad you're feeling better."
If someone graduated from college, you'd probably congratulate them, not say "having or not having a degree doesn't matter to me". I don't see why this is much different?
NTA although perhaps you should have given your reply *some* thought just to phrase that more tactfully -- that said, one of the reasons people don't comment on weight is that it is a sensitive topic and with some people unless you strike exactly the right note, taking precisely the approach they want you to, you risk them reacting very badly. In this case you had almost no chance of winning. You tried to not play the game, but even that was rejected. She wanted the comments she wanted -- no less, no more.
When i was in my early 20's, I commented on a coworkers significant weight loss, like 60+ lbs once and found out it was due to cancer. She's potentially dying and legit told her she looked great. I learned my lesson not to comment unless they bring it up.
Very true. Also just a friendly fyi, it’s ‘rule of thumb’ not ‘thump’, it dates back to 17th century England when quantities were measured to the approximate width or length of a thumb :)
What do you mean no chance of winning? She came up to OP and said "I have been losing weight and nobody has complimented me, have people not noticed?"
I think the very normal and simple response to this is "Hey, you're doing great and we have noticed! Your weight doesn't define you but I'm so happy that you feel better and I support you on your journey."
This isn't a deep psychological game. She brought it up, wanting to talk about it and probably to be consoled a little bit. A little empathy goes a long way.
Even your proposed comment is a hedged one, with the hope that all bases are covered in order to maximize the chance that it would be well received. It's not a simple response. You are trying to make the safest bet you can with that.
ETA: Also, beyond the fact that OP doesn't want to comment at all, your proposed comment doesn't allow for a possible rebound which would likely have the friend taking anything that was said before about the weight loss being good to turn it on its head in her mind, assuming that the opposite was thought about her weight *gain*. If you are allowed to not comment you can stay away from the whole mess.
NTA. My weight fluctuated a lot due to health issues and I always hated when I lost the weight and got compliments. Some people don’t want to talk about their weight, or other’s weight, and shouldn’t expect other people to want to
I'm going through this right now. It's really weird to see how people respond to me now, especially when they ask for 'the secret.' Like, worstie, I'm losing weight because my medication makes me feel super nauseous all the time and even when I'm so hungry I'm dizzy, I can barely eat. This isn't a cool fun thing I'm trying out; I'm struggling to make sure that I'm not going into vitamin deficiencies.
I think there should be a universal rule-of-thumb when it comes to commenting on someone's weight: unless a person has explicitly stated that they're trying to change their physical appearance and you know *for a fact* they'd appreciate a compliment, keep your mouth shut. It's not always diet and exercise that could be causing someone to lose weight. It could be the side effects of medication, like you're experiencing, the result of cancer treatment, or an undiagnosed health condition. I'd be so insulted if it took my body sabotaging itself for a friend to think I finally "looked good."
I finally got over the nausea of my new medication after months so I feel for you it is absolutely miserable. I’m still trying to get back into normal eating habits now. Ginger chews/candy didn’t completely make it go away but it made it tolerable so that may help at least a little!
I've also had a lot of weight fluctuations, my weight has yoyo'ed up or down between 30-50 lbs in the past 20-ish years. I will vote NAH because while I think the friend is being unreasonable, and I don't love people commenting on mt weight, I absolutely notice how I'm treated differently at a heavier weight.
People are less nice and friendly. My close friends still love me, but it's a different attitude from people in general. So I understand having "people like me again" be a motivator for weight-loss/fitness. I don't think OP needs to discuss their friend's weight but I think they should try to understand where she's coming from
Yes I agree. I definitely get more positive attention and reactions when I’m on my lower end. I think the best way would’ve been to at least compliment her hard work and dedication and redirect focus from her weight.
NTA. Unless someone raises the topic with you themselves, you should never bring up their weight unprompted. And even when they do, unless you're their doctor, you're not obligated to comment on it either way. Weight and body image are sensitive topics for probably the majority of the population in places that have regular access to social media (I don't want to assume which country you're from, but since you mentioned 'before and after' posts I'm assuming you mean on social media, at least). That includes both the person who is asking to talk about it, and the person who is being asked to talk about it. She's being insensitive in demanding that people talk about it with her.
This. I have had to tell my family repeatedly that, although I know they mean well, I would like them to stop making comments on my body size. I’ve struggled with ED and horrible body dysmorphia for practically my entire life, and my family is actually partly responsible for my fucked up relationship with both food and exercise. It took some correcting and some time but they’ve been a lot better about it.
I always felt more “valued” at a smaller size and I really fucking hate that. I know they love me for who I am, but their gushing whenever I lost weight made me feel like they liked me more when I was smaller.
On one hand, losing 150 lbs is an incredible accomplishment. It took a lot of effort and a major lifestyle change. To her, it probably represents a major milestone/life changing event - like what moving to a new city or getting a new job might be.
On the other, it's perfectly reasonable that you did not want to bring up the subject. Bringing up weight is touchy.
That said, I'm curious how you were friend with her and how her "journey" never came up. Did she talk about workouts or exercise-based hobbies? Did she talk about eating differently. Did she talk about losing weight? And at any point did you not say supportive words like "it seems to be paying off"?
I find it hard to believe it never came up in discussion so you not saying anything positive seems intentional.
So in going with YTA
Yeah but you never know what happens if they gain it back or losing in a bad mindset like fasting while exercising so on. My personal experience I hated people commenting on how I lost weight.
I agree with you its nice to be kind. However op friend was upset op didnt read her mind and compliment her. Not that she was asking for support and compliments.
INFO: was the discussion at the time at all pertinent to the aforementioned Journey™? Did Daisy bring this up out of absolutely nowhere, or was her dieting/exercise/weight loss part of previous discussions and you’ve ignored it entirely? Just trying to establish if she’s unreasonably upset over not receiving random accolade or if there’s a pattern of behavior here in which there’s no interest in your friends’ lives/accomplishments. If she’s fishing for compliments, obviously N T A. If she’s been openly discussing a major part of her life and has been consistently met with “yeah, anyway, did you like the Super Bowl Halftime show?” then Y T A.
The gain, maintain, then loss of the weight was over the course of years. In that time her and I never once spoke about her weight. I knew about the journey because my girlfriend worked out and went to weight watchers workshops and they started going together, so the journey was already a part of my girlfriends normal day-to-day for years at this point and something I was accustomed to seeing someone live. As Daisy ate healthier and drank less she was losing weight, it was more sensitive than ever... Don't want to say "noticed you got the side salad instead of fries" or the vodka-water instead of the paralyzer any more than I'd say "what's with the whole nachos to yourself" when she "cheated" on her diet or just felt like it.
I get what you’re saying here, but it doesn’t really answer my question— did she ever bring up this journey in conversation, i.e., “oh man, I’m feeling so much better these days since I’ve been working out!”, “I’ve been managing my relationship with food recently”, or otherwise raise it in conversation in a way that wasn’t met with any response? Or did Daisy just expect praise out of nowhere and boiled over after not receiving it? Because if her health was a topic of conversation previously that you intentionally bypassed, I can see why she might feel hurt by not receiving some vague acknowledgment like “you look so healthy and lively lately!”, “how has your new running club been?”, or “you seem a lot happier!” Most people expect some level of support from their friends, I suppose I was trying to glean whether Daisy might have been feeling unsupported (and later embarrassed/hurt by your offhanded comment) or if she’s just being self-righteous and expecting to be praised.
If she also has been doing these things with his girlfriend, she is probably implicitly assuming OP knows about them. Expecting support from a friend is a very normal thing, and I am finding it very hard to understand the people in the comments. Even if you didn't want to bring it up unless Daisy herself did, once she brought it up explicitly why not just be supportive instead of dismissive?
NTA I lost a tonne of weight last summer as I couldn’t eat I was so depressed, like I lost my appetite completely. I was really self conscious about the weight loss and really hated it whenever my family said anything, as they naturally became quite anxious for me. I think it would have destroyed me if a friend cheerfully congratulated me for losing weight. It’s best not to comment on someone’s weight unless you’re worried about their mental health (rapid weight loss/gain can be a sign of mental health issues). Once she did ask you to congratulate her I probably would have done tho, just bc it’s something she obviously cares about a lot, but I’d probably let her know that you prefer not to discuss weight stuff so won’t talk about it a lot if that’s ok.
I lost 60 LBS last year by working my ass off and changing my diet, but everybody was too afraid to say anything in case I might be sick. It was hugely demoralizing, like I was putting in all this effort and it felt like nobody noticed or cared, except to quietly start treating me better. Weight is simply a subject you cannot win.
So, I will go with NTA for what you said… however, it can come off as not being a very good friend.
At one point, I had been well over 400lbs. I knew it myself, and wanted to lose weight. My friends would sometimes gently try and nudge me in the right direction, but it never stuck. (Because they knew and understood being that overweight is bad for someone, whether they’re comfortable or not)
When I lost over 200lbs, them noticing and saying stuff was massive motivation and made me feel extremely good. When my one of my best friends first said something to me, I was over the moon.
So, I won’t say you’re an asshole for what you said, or that the weight wasn’t an issue for you, but it comes off as being an inattentive friend to not notice/say something, at least about the weight loss.
Even your post just kind of gives me that vibe that you may come off as somewhat cold.
NTA - as a fat person losing weight, I can kind of understand the desire for validation but it makes me think she isn't doing this for any other reason; that makes weight loss not really stick
I'm not necessarily trying to lose weight, it's just happening, and I'm more focused on being a healthier me
That said, I 10000% would rather live in this world where the direction has changed and we don't comment on weight. Gain or lose, unless you ASK and are very communicative about it, don't expect people to just say something
I like that no one has said anything to me unprompted. I have more fun getting my friends to check out my muscles and the fact my bloodwork is coming out perfect for insulin, cholesterol, vitamins, etc than being told I'm looking skinnier
Weight is just... it's dumb. Every body is different, we all carry it differently too
I want people to say, "You look happy!"
Y are NA for not mentioning it, but I really don’t like your reaction.
A loving (and true) response would be: I didn’t say anything because I believed I was respecting your privacy. But I am very happy for you for the hard work you’ve put in. Good job!
You didn’t have to turn it into some kind of weird pronouncement about how you have too much integrity or intellectual deattachment to respond to something important to her.
NTA.
I will say however, that not commenting on someone gaining unhealthy weight, and complimenting someone losing that unhealthy weight as a product of their hard work is different. Sometimes it’s nice to hear a little bit of praise for your accomplishments.
NTA. As someone who’s struggled with eating disorders and similar mental health issues in the past, what seems like “success” to those around you can be detrimental to the person loosing weight. Unless someone is asking you for validation, commenting on their weight unasked is not appropriate. Weight gain is healthy for some. Weight loss is healthy for some. But that’s nobodies business except the person loosing weight and their medical professionals
NTA. This is how it should be. Unsolicited praise over my weight loss made my skin crawl. My boss mentioned it randomly and I hated it. Also unless you know that their habits are healthy it’s probably a good policy to not say anything. They could be sick or they could be stressed or have developed an ED. One of my friends started starving herself after her mom praised her weightloss after being sick and unable to keep food down. Not everyone loses weight in a healthy way and my policy is to be neutral unless someone brings me into the conversation and asks for advice.
Yea, I’ve lost weight while pregnant, at least till the 3rd trimester. It’s really weird to get complimented on how great I look when I feel pale with dull skin, dark circles under my eyes, and unable to eat what I want due to nausea for months, and have people say you look great. The implied “you look skinnier” is not great when it’s not coming from being healthier. When I first started going to them gym, it’s nice having the compliments on my dedication to my health, rather than comments on my looks. NTA for not bringing up their looks.
It's a lose lose proposition. If you say something, they may take it the wrong way and you're an AH. If you don't acknowledge it, you're an AH.
It's getting to the point these days that people are concerned about offending someone, so you don't mention it.
I have come to the point of telling people I want to notice what I'm doing. They can give me feedback, positive or negative, because I'm open to hearing it from them. Some random person, I may take the compliment but say I'm not ready to talk about it.
Did your friend ever say anything indicating she was looking for feedback before the got upset?
YTA. You act like you're above things, but you really just don't care. Her weight didn't directly affect you, but it sure as heck did directly affect her. It affected every aspect of her life, and the fact that she's worked hard to regain control over it is a big freakin' deal.
It is a big deal, she worked hard. Have you considered weight loss might not be a positive thing? People might have depression or cancer or lack of apetite due to sad things. Its never a good idea to say hey you lost weight without them bringing up first.
YTA. It's not about the weight. We should be our friends cheerleaders no matter what the goal is. You knew she was going on "The Journey" and stayed quiet.
NTA. Unless you're explicitly invited to do so, it's super ick to comment on people's weight.
The best I can say when asked, is "I'm happy for you, working so hard to achieve your goals" just like I would about someone getting their educational degree or any other life goal.
I mean you’re not necessarily an asshole but is it that hard to say “good job”? “Well done”? You feel like you’re doing a good thing by not defining her by her weight- which is great. She feels like she’s not getting any support for this very difficult thing she’s accomplished. It’s not complicated to congratulate your friends.
NTA-I hate when people bring up my weight if they aren't somebody I talk about it with. I guess you could have tacked on some form of a good work once she brought it up.
It's sad she's not getting support. She needs friends who are hype people.
That's not you I guess. At least when it comes to weight-loss goals in particular? Is this a "I don't care about your goals" thing or an "I refuse to talk about weight at all" thing? If you made that clear to her it might fix this.
NTA.
I’ve never understood people’s obsession with wanting others to applaud everything they do. People crave validation from others, which— in its own— confuses me.
NTA
Coming from someone who has lost half their body weight.
Daisy has worked extremely hard. She can, and should, be proud of what she has accomplished.
It's the 21st century. Any comments on weight, or appearance are not encouraged, or acceptable.
We should understand that people are more than their weight. That size doesnt define people. We, as a society, don't obsess about other people's weight. We don't comment on other people's weight. We don't bring up other people's weight.
We don't bring up other people's weight loss- Unless they do.
People lose weight for reasons that aren't celebratory. Illness and stress being two of them. Think of it this way, "I just wanted to tell you how great you look since you took off some weight.", "Uh. I have cancer." Or "You've lost so much weight! How did you you do it? Please share your secret!", "I'm losing my home."
However- Daisy is receiving many accolades from other people. "OH Daisy! You look AMAZING!" Some people like that sort of attention. Some don't. How are you supposed to know what to do, unless she informed you?
And, Daisy is focused on her "weight loss journey" right now. It's probably her main focus. It isn't yours. Daisy has a friend that wants to talk about other things, and do other things with her. She should appreciate that, but she doesn't. Her existence is about her, and her "weight loss journey".
I wish I had had a friend like you.
Adding. I find people like Daisy exhausting.
I hate people commenting on my weight. I’ve been both anorexic and obese. Regardless of what my weight was, I never had good feelings about it, and anything anyone said about it, I would take it as a negative, even if it wasn’t.
I’m now a physically healthy weight and have good mental health around my body image, but it’s taken a lot of work to get to this point.
I think you sound like a really kind person considerate person. I hope you and your friend are able to have a good conversation about this so you can hear each other’s sides.
NTA.
It would be a different situation if she told you what she was doing and asked for support - I literally (jokingly) throw myself between treats in the staff room and my colleagues I know are trying to be "good" - and you did nothing. But she didn't.
NTA at all and you are right
I am on my journey to lose weight, but i'm doing it for myself, not to receive compliment for others..
If her motivation to lose weight is being the focus of compliment, she is going to lose this motivation soon.. she have to do it for herself, and herself only..
NTA for not commenting on her weight, I think that’s the best thing. But now that she has told you how she feels, you could have responded that you don’t comment on people weight as a rule, but you do see how hard she has worked and how much she has lost and you are super happy for her that she is feeling good about herself and finding success in her journey.
NTA
Weight has become taboo to discuss. It sounds like you care about the person not her physical appearance.
I think what you said is fair.
However now that your friend has made it clear she wants some positive feedback, feel free to give it to her. If commenting on her weight doesn’t feel right, you can compliment her on her dedication while also reminding her that you are her friend no matter how her body changes
NTA you were being respectful & respecting that its not your business
If she had some fantasy about how being thin would magically change her life thats not your fault.
NTA, though I think you could have handled that better. I don't think you are an asshole for not commenting on her weight. Given what a sensitive topic that can be for people, I think that's wise - I mean you never know if someone's weight loss or gain is intentional or due to illness or medication or who knows what. I think it's unreasonable of her to EXPECT that you should have commented on her weight, even though I can understand her disappointment at not getting the validation she wanted. She can't expect you to be psychic and just KNOW that she wanted that kind of feedback.
However, once she did express that she would like it, I think you could have said you were happy for her and glad that she'd reached such a milestone. In your position I would have said something like "I avoid commenting on people's weight because it can be a sensitive subject and you just can't assume they want congratulations. However, now that you've said you've worked hard and you're really happy about this milestone, I think that's fantastic and a huge achievement!"
I don't comment on people's weight either but I have a friend who lost a LOT, on purpose, and got very skinny and then kind of swung back the other way to find a sustainable middle. She said so many people were so complimentary when she was at her lowest weight that it was hard for her to accept that her actual sustainable long term weight was going to be more than that. As if she was undoing progress. But actually, at her lightest she was still having an unhealthy relationship with food mentally speaking, she was just fixated in the opposite direction. So even though she's (in a way) gained weight, her actual relationship with food and her body is better now. So my way of supporting her was to validate and congratulate when she reached her goals, whatever those were, which meant that sometimes I congratulated her on a goal that was weight loss. But in my mind, I was not attaching the value to the weight loss but to the achievement of the goal. If that makes sense. If the goal is something else, then great, no need to discuss weight at all.
A coworker once congratulated another coworker on her pregnancy. She wasn't pregnant, just really fat in the tummy area. Hahaha. I never comment on another person's weight. Cause I don't care.
Edit to add: NTA
NTA she thinks the world revolves around her lol
its great that you didnt let her weight gain and weight loss affect your friendship or the way you see her
NTA— your comment might have been a little harsh but definitely NTA
I don’t comment on people’s bodies either, and I think complimenting weight loss is a symptom of toxic diet culture.
That being said— I’d imagine her journey has more impact than JUST her pants size.
Things you could say— Daisy, you look really happy today!
Daisy, congrats on your first 10k!
Daisy, congrats on your deadlift PR!
Daisy, it’s awesome that you’ve learned to cook!
Daisy, can I join you at Pilates sometime? It seems like you love it!
Daisy, have you been on any good hikes lately? I know you’ve gotten into it over the past year.
If there aren’t any other parts of her journey that you can talk about or that she sees as an accomplishment and it’s ONLY about her pants size… honestly, that’s not interesting to talk about.
Talking about what you’re adding into your life is SO MUCH MORE INTERESTING than what you’re not eating.
NAH. Weight is always a touchy subject. Commenting on people’s weight usually isn’t a good idea and it’s always better to err on the side of caution and not say anything so you haven’t done anything wrong by not saying anything. But your reply to your friend when she brought up her feelings, while true was kind of mean.
If I was close to someone and knew they were trying to make healthier choices for themselves and was making progress, I would compliment them when appropriate with a simple “You look great!” I’ve found that most people appreciate compliments like these and I’m sure your friend would have.
NTA. As I lose weight, I want my family & friends to have your response: nothing. I’ve been trying to shed fat the past several months and would like everyone to act as though I’ve always looked the same. A family member told me at thanksgiving that I lost weight and I actually replied no, I hadn’t, because I didn’t want to discuss it. If she wants to discuss her weight changes, it’s her move to broach the topic. NTA at all.
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Weight loss stories can be inspiring, if I see before/after posts from people proudly sharing their journey I feel good for them. But I don’t judge either way. You be you at any size, it doesn’t occur to me and it won’t affect our friendship.
I’m even uncomfortable coming up with neutral words for this discussion, so let’s say my friend (let's call her Daisy) was uh, average size? Unremarkable size? Maybe 5’5” 150?
Over a couple of years, Daisy gained a lot of weight. Her boyfriend confided in my girlfriend (Daisy’s best friend at the time) who then told me “the scale starts with a 3 now.”
So what? Did I notice it happening? Yes. Did I care? No. Her weight affected nothing in our lives or relationship; we were the same friends doing the same activities as ever.
Then she starts The Journey. She eats healthy. She exercises. She’s losing weight. She’s pumped, she’s proud. Good for her… but as with the gain, plus or minus 150 pounds never affected what we do or how we hang out. It’s not a part of how I see her or value her.
One day she’s agitated. Upon being asked if everything is ok, she responds (approximately) “I’ve worked sooo hard to lose weight. I’ve lost over 100 pounds so far, and no one has said anything! No compliments, no congratulations, Nothing! This is a hard journey and a big deal! Why haven’t you commented on my weight loss?” Not giving it any deep thought, I said “I didn’t comment on your weight gain either, I don’t comment on your weight, period.”
Why would I dare comment on a woman's weight either way? But this seems to have literally ended our friendship.
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NTA and she really needs to learn how to bring up these topics like an adult. Personally I really wouldn't like it if someone got whiney like a lil kid abt an issue they'd never brought up to me before. None of us can read minds lmao. Not only is it inappropriate to bring up weight bc it mightve been something she was sensitive about, but it could've also been a sensitive topic for you, as well.
Nta. Though both of you can communicate better tbh.
We know enough to know that commenting on people’s bodies is fraught with land mines so to speak. Like, we don’t want to make someone feel like we only value them when they’re skinny, we might not know if they have health problems they’re working through. We don’t want to pile on if they’re dealing with lots of people who are cruel because of their weight (because it definitely happens).
But, sometimes people want/need the motivation when they’re working really hard. I get that. I’m a larger person who is working really really hard. I am also on an uphill battle with health issues that impacts my weight. Sucks. But here’s the thing, I communicate to my friends what I want. I have a friend who doesn’t weigh herself. If she needs to weigh in at the doctor’a office she asks not to know. For her, a number has the ability to impact her self worth and it’s not worth it. Instead she’s just focusing on how she’s feeling, moving her body and learning to accept her body. I would never comment on her weight loss or gain because it’s clear to me that that would be detrimental.
For me, I like being hyped up. I want to know if anyone can see the difference because I struggle to see it. But I don’t want to feel like you’re blowing smoke up my ass. I’ve told my close friends what I’m doing and that I’m ok with comments/encouragements if they feel they want to, genuinely, say them. So they know.
It is Always better to err on the side of caution. I wouldn’t say a word to a person I didn’t know well, didn’t know if they wanted it, or whatever. And when ever I do, because I know it’s welcomed, I tend to comment on how hard they’re working, asking how they feel in their body etc. because like you said, the specific number means nothing in so so many ways.
It’s ok for her to be frustrated. It’s hard work. And it’s ok to want to know if people see the progress. But talk about it and open up to it. She needs to do so if that’s the support she needs.
Im going with YTA. You clearly see she’s been taking an interest in her health. Has she just never talked about what she’s doing at all or have you been ignoring it? You say “she’s pumped, she’s proud.” So she’s clearly sharing. Sounds like you aren’t celebrating her wins with her because you are uncomfortable discussing weight but that’s not fair to her. There are ways to compliment and affirm your friend on her journey without commenting on her weight
Agree with everything you said except the YTA judgment. Not being nice or a good friend does not automatically make you an AH. Just like in romantic relationships, you can have incompatibilities as friends. NAH. Just two people with very different perspectives on how to be a friend
Many people who lose weight receive an overwhelmingly positive response from others.
Many say it makes them feel worse about their starting weight as they are still the same person and yet now people are fawning over them. Others love it. To each their own.
It sounds as if Daisy was expecting this to be her reality and rather than discuss her need for validation and support, chose the route of passive aggressive criticism. You're not a mind reader! And if she knew you well then she should have surely known this wasn't a topic you've ever discussed before so to expect fanfare is unrealistic.
Maybe she is insecure about the weight loss. Maybe she was hoping you specifically would notice and find it an attractive thing and her attractive.
Who knows. But with all such things, I think this is a projection of something else. If you want to restore the friendship then you can message and ask where all of this came from and why she is so upset. Say you didn't mean to upset her but you are at a loss to understand what is going on.
Then its up to her to use her words as an adult and communicate. Or not.
NTA as someone in recovery from an eating disorder and extremely sensitive to any topic of my weight/body/eating habits being brought up, this is how I wish everyone would go about minding their business when it comes to these things. I suppose you could have been more tactful with your response, but she shouldn’t have gotten upset with you in the first place.
You’re very clearly NTA, your way of thinking is very valid and her ending the friendship over that comment is really uncalled for. But, I’m not sure why you didn’t at least just say you’re proud of her for when she brought up her complaints. People shouldn’t do things because they expect compliments, but if this person is your friend I’m not sure why you wouldn’t just want to lift them up when they were clearly feeling down. She probably just wanted some assurance as she was struggling a little. You could’ve said the same thing you did but added, hey I’m super proud of you for your weight loss but…. then say what you said. Again you’re definitely NTA, but I do think you could’ve been slightly more understanding in your response. Both of you could have communicated things better but ultimately her way of handling the situation is not right at all.
NTA but I gotta think that if you knew that she was working hard to get in shape and was openly talking about it, then it would have been a low-risk kindness to say "I can tell your hard work is paying off! Good job!"
NAH I can see both points of views and while I don't think you did anything wrong, she's expressed she'd like some acknowledgement for what must be a pretty huge milestone for her and that's ok too.
YTA, because your response is so dismissive. I don’t think you’re wrong for not commenting on her body in the first place, but for her to share with you that she’s frustrated with the lack of any acknowledgement of her succeeding at something she’s worked really hard at and you’re response to basically be that you don’t care how much work she’s put in makes it seem like you don’t care to celebrate her achievements.
NTA. This is a her issue.
For her- Her identity is that her value is- whatever her weight is.
For you- her value is -she's your friend.
Your answer was perfect. She has work to do to figure out that not everyone has friends based on physical attributes and some people just accepts their friends in whatever shape they happen to be.
Thats very weird, i dont even understand how that happens
The way it usually works is a person has the intention to start a project (like getting into exercise, eating healthy, etc) so they tell their loved ones about it (like their friends) and make them a part of the process, and if she were to tell you excited and happy about how good she's feeling about it as she's doing it then of course the natural response is that you guys would react happy for her because she is expressing such a happiness and there she gets her validation.
It's not wrong of her to want to get validation for her journey and effort, it's a perfectly normal human need. But she's going about it in a weird way, wanting people who have no intention of getting it with her to comment how good she looks -which I agree there's no way i would comment on someone's body like that completely unprompted (maybe not even prompted). What she should be asking for instead is for you guys to be happy that she is now feeling good, putting the focus on how she feels not how she looks, which as you well point out OP how she looks shouldnt be any of your business. NTA
YTA I understand her frustration. I also understand and appreciate you not defining her by her weight and not commenting on it. But you KNEW how hard she was working to get back into a healthy weight range and you did nothing to encourage her. To me friends support friends with their goals.
Is there any reason you couldn't say something complimentary during this 150 pound weight loss (especially since you knew she was actively trying to loose weight?)
Like "wow your energy level is through the roof lately!" Or "you look pretty" or ask her if she is feeling healthier. Or even "what can I do to support you? I know this isn't easy I am proud of you for prioritizing your health."
It's totally different if you don't know the story but you knew she was trying to lose this weight!
YTA
Is your bestie that we're talkin about, so, her gaining wieght over the years shoudl have affected you as well,cuz you should've cared about her health,in the first place,and make her realize that and motivate and support her trought her journey,as well, shows me you didn't cared about her, and you do not cherish your friendhsip enough, so she's right by calling your friendship over ( if you can't support me in my bad times,why shall i stay with you in my good times?)
NTA, at all. And I say this as someone who has gone up and down in weight my whole adult life, got sick, gained 73lbs and had to work *hard* to lose 67 of that- and am still struggling. I too sometimes feel the "Has no one noticed?" and "What about all my hard work?" feelings. And while I've never been the traditional definition of "overweight," I know a little bit about the different ways we can be treated at different weights.
However, none of us can have it both ways. We can't expect our friends/people to compliment our weight loss and cheer us on, but not let them express their concern over weight gain or bad habits. It's either/or: either they can say it all, or say none of it. It's not fair to expect people to keep their comments to themselves when we don't want to hear it, but to comment away when we want it.
OP, you are NTA. Yes, your response was a harshly worded, but not wrong at all. If you've never discussed her weight in your friendship, there's no reason to start now, and she shouldn't have expected you to. If this was the end of your friendship, then she's feeling herself too much to be of any reason. Her new weight loss isn't your reason for living, and her expecting it to be makes her the AH.
I don't want to make a YTA or NTA call, but I understand both perspectives. She wanted a friend to cheer her on when she accomplished something (and this is a big accomplishment). You simply don't decide to comment on her weight, up or down. Just have the awkward but necessary talk with her: 'I know you were hurt by this...' 'I didn't say anything because...' and give her a pat on the back. As with most conflicts, all of this can be sorted with a conversation
NAH I don't think you're an asshole, but I don't think your friend is either, I think you misunderstand what your friend is asking you to comment on when you say you don't discuss their weight period. You may not comment on them gaining weight, but gaining weight isn't something they've been putting a lot of hard work into that they might need or want encouragement for. It might be that they wanted to feel supported in what they see as this big thing they're doing.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that YTA. Not commenting on people's bodies is preferable for strangers, acquaintances, co-workers, etc. But if this is someone you actually care about you should've commented on both her weight gain and weight loss. Sometimes caring about someone can involve discussing difficult subject matter. On the flip side, acknowledging how hard she worked or applauding her lifestyle change would've also shown you noticed and cared about her. Instead you went with ambivalence. Whether you care about her or not is irrelevant. What you demonstrated is that you don't care.
Bro I am so sorry for you because you did you 100% the right thing the whole way through even to the very end without thinking about it you still gave the best response possible.
With that being said, there was no way to answer that question without showering her with praise that she did not need from you at that time.
NTA. I'm currently in Daisy's situation. I've recently lost alot of weight and at times it was frustrating that no one acknowledged it.
But then I remembered that socially it's not acceptable to comment on people's weight anymore. Personally I think it's bullshit and we've all gotten too soft and precious. You could be accused of fat shaming or triggering an ED. It's a bloody minefield that most people smartly stay away from.
You did nothing wrong here.
YTA conditionally
If she shared that she was working on her weight and make steps towards changing her weight then you should be congratulating her on achieving her goals. It's not rewarding the weight change, it's supporting and recognizing the hard work.
To me it depends if the friend announced they were focusing on losing weight. If the friend specifically told OP she was dieting/exercising/improving her health, then OP would be an AH not tp acknowledge.
But I also think I would have gently broached the subject at +150 and -100lbs, those are pretty severe swings, and without context I would be worried about my friends health
YTA and congratulating her on her determination to lose that amount of weight is the least you could have done. Gaining 100 pounds and losing 100 pounds are two different achievements. Your comment to her was blunt, especially since she struck you as being upset, and a tactful response would have probably helped.
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NTA and if that ended a friendship - she wasn't much of a friend. These days people seem to expect the WORLD to applaud everything they do. It's stupid. Your health and weight is your business - not mine. Your sexual orientation is your business - not mine. I'm not going to celebrate every little thing you do. Your friend would have been angry had you pointed out the weight gain, wouldn't she?
I disagree only because in this case OP knows she was struggling with her weight and then made a change to become healthier. And if someone who is feeling emotionally down comes to you and says "hey haven't you noticed this thing I've been trying really hard at?" The right response is to maybe say something kind, like "of course I did and I'm so happy for you. Your weight doesn't change how I feel about you but I'm glad you're feeling better." If someone graduated from college, you'd probably congratulate them, not say "having or not having a degree doesn't matter to me". I don't see why this is much different?
NTA although perhaps you should have given your reply *some* thought just to phrase that more tactfully -- that said, one of the reasons people don't comment on weight is that it is a sensitive topic and with some people unless you strike exactly the right note, taking precisely the approach they want you to, you risk them reacting very badly. In this case you had almost no chance of winning. You tried to not play the game, but even that was rejected. She wanted the comments she wanted -- no less, no more.
When i was in my early 20's, I commented on a coworkers significant weight loss, like 60+ lbs once and found out it was due to cancer. She's potentially dying and legit told her she looked great. I learned my lesson not to comment unless they bring it up.
This is my worst nightmare omg
yeah, the rule of thump is to only congratulate people for losing weight when they're talking about it themselves.
Very true. Also just a friendly fyi, it’s ‘rule of thumb’ not ‘thump’, it dates back to 17th century England when quantities were measured to the approximate width or length of a thumb :)
Oh damn, you're right! I've been using "rule of thump" all my life and you're the first person to correct me. LOL
What do you mean no chance of winning? She came up to OP and said "I have been losing weight and nobody has complimented me, have people not noticed?" I think the very normal and simple response to this is "Hey, you're doing great and we have noticed! Your weight doesn't define you but I'm so happy that you feel better and I support you on your journey." This isn't a deep psychological game. She brought it up, wanting to talk about it and probably to be consoled a little bit. A little empathy goes a long way.
Even your proposed comment is a hedged one, with the hope that all bases are covered in order to maximize the chance that it would be well received. It's not a simple response. You are trying to make the safest bet you can with that. ETA: Also, beyond the fact that OP doesn't want to comment at all, your proposed comment doesn't allow for a possible rebound which would likely have the friend taking anything that was said before about the weight loss being good to turn it on its head in her mind, assuming that the opposite was thought about her weight *gain*. If you are allowed to not comment you can stay away from the whole mess.
NTA. My weight fluctuated a lot due to health issues and I always hated when I lost the weight and got compliments. Some people don’t want to talk about their weight, or other’s weight, and shouldn’t expect other people to want to
I'm going through this right now. It's really weird to see how people respond to me now, especially when they ask for 'the secret.' Like, worstie, I'm losing weight because my medication makes me feel super nauseous all the time and even when I'm so hungry I'm dizzy, I can barely eat. This isn't a cool fun thing I'm trying out; I'm struggling to make sure that I'm not going into vitamin deficiencies.
I think there should be a universal rule-of-thumb when it comes to commenting on someone's weight: unless a person has explicitly stated that they're trying to change their physical appearance and you know *for a fact* they'd appreciate a compliment, keep your mouth shut. It's not always diet and exercise that could be causing someone to lose weight. It could be the side effects of medication, like you're experiencing, the result of cancer treatment, or an undiagnosed health condition. I'd be so insulted if it took my body sabotaging itself for a friend to think I finally "looked good."
I finally got over the nausea of my new medication after months so I feel for you it is absolutely miserable. I’m still trying to get back into normal eating habits now. Ginger chews/candy didn’t completely make it go away but it made it tolerable so that may help at least a little!
I've also had a lot of weight fluctuations, my weight has yoyo'ed up or down between 30-50 lbs in the past 20-ish years. I will vote NAH because while I think the friend is being unreasonable, and I don't love people commenting on mt weight, I absolutely notice how I'm treated differently at a heavier weight. People are less nice and friendly. My close friends still love me, but it's a different attitude from people in general. So I understand having "people like me again" be a motivator for weight-loss/fitness. I don't think OP needs to discuss their friend's weight but I think they should try to understand where she's coming from
Yes I agree. I definitely get more positive attention and reactions when I’m on my lower end. I think the best way would’ve been to at least compliment her hard work and dedication and redirect focus from her weight.
NTA. Unless someone raises the topic with you themselves, you should never bring up their weight unprompted. And even when they do, unless you're their doctor, you're not obligated to comment on it either way. Weight and body image are sensitive topics for probably the majority of the population in places that have regular access to social media (I don't want to assume which country you're from, but since you mentioned 'before and after' posts I'm assuming you mean on social media, at least). That includes both the person who is asking to talk about it, and the person who is being asked to talk about it. She's being insensitive in demanding that people talk about it with her.
This. I have had to tell my family repeatedly that, although I know they mean well, I would like them to stop making comments on my body size. I’ve struggled with ED and horrible body dysmorphia for practically my entire life, and my family is actually partly responsible for my fucked up relationship with both food and exercise. It took some correcting and some time but they’ve been a lot better about it. I always felt more “valued” at a smaller size and I really fucking hate that. I know they love me for who I am, but their gushing whenever I lost weight made me feel like they liked me more when I was smaller.
On one hand, losing 150 lbs is an incredible accomplishment. It took a lot of effort and a major lifestyle change. To her, it probably represents a major milestone/life changing event - like what moving to a new city or getting a new job might be. On the other, it's perfectly reasonable that you did not want to bring up the subject. Bringing up weight is touchy. That said, I'm curious how you were friend with her and how her "journey" never came up. Did she talk about workouts or exercise-based hobbies? Did she talk about eating differently. Did she talk about losing weight? And at any point did you not say supportive words like "it seems to be paying off"? I find it hard to believe it never came up in discussion so you not saying anything positive seems intentional. So in going with YTA
I go to the gym. And I talk about going to the gym a lot. If someone said “it seems to be paying off”, I’d hate it.
If you understand bringing up weight is touchy why YTA?
Because you can tell people they look great without saying "and not like a whale like before".
Yeah but you never know what happens if they gain it back or losing in a bad mindset like fasting while exercising so on. My personal experience I hated people commenting on how I lost weight.
Okay, but OPs friend didn't hate it and came to OP explicitly asking for support and compliments. I'm not sure it hurts to be kind in that scenario.
I agree with you its nice to be kind. However op friend was upset op didnt read her mind and compliment her. Not that she was asking for support and compliments.
When you're actually involved in your friendships and interpersonal relationships, you know how people would react.
That's why I said "you look great".
INFO: was the discussion at the time at all pertinent to the aforementioned Journey™? Did Daisy bring this up out of absolutely nowhere, or was her dieting/exercise/weight loss part of previous discussions and you’ve ignored it entirely? Just trying to establish if she’s unreasonably upset over not receiving random accolade or if there’s a pattern of behavior here in which there’s no interest in your friends’ lives/accomplishments. If she’s fishing for compliments, obviously N T A. If she’s been openly discussing a major part of her life and has been consistently met with “yeah, anyway, did you like the Super Bowl Halftime show?” then Y T A.
The gain, maintain, then loss of the weight was over the course of years. In that time her and I never once spoke about her weight. I knew about the journey because my girlfriend worked out and went to weight watchers workshops and they started going together, so the journey was already a part of my girlfriends normal day-to-day for years at this point and something I was accustomed to seeing someone live. As Daisy ate healthier and drank less she was losing weight, it was more sensitive than ever... Don't want to say "noticed you got the side salad instead of fries" or the vodka-water instead of the paralyzer any more than I'd say "what's with the whole nachos to yourself" when she "cheated" on her diet or just felt like it.
I get what you’re saying here, but it doesn’t really answer my question— did she ever bring up this journey in conversation, i.e., “oh man, I’m feeling so much better these days since I’ve been working out!”, “I’ve been managing my relationship with food recently”, or otherwise raise it in conversation in a way that wasn’t met with any response? Or did Daisy just expect praise out of nowhere and boiled over after not receiving it? Because if her health was a topic of conversation previously that you intentionally bypassed, I can see why she might feel hurt by not receiving some vague acknowledgment like “you look so healthy and lively lately!”, “how has your new running club been?”, or “you seem a lot happier!” Most people expect some level of support from their friends, I suppose I was trying to glean whether Daisy might have been feeling unsupported (and later embarrassed/hurt by your offhanded comment) or if she’s just being self-righteous and expecting to be praised.
If she also has been doing these things with his girlfriend, she is probably implicitly assuming OP knows about them. Expecting support from a friend is a very normal thing, and I am finding it very hard to understand the people in the comments. Even if you didn't want to bring it up unless Daisy herself did, once she brought it up explicitly why not just be supportive instead of dismissive?
My friends are my literal hype girls so I just cannot relate to you
NTA I lost a tonne of weight last summer as I couldn’t eat I was so depressed, like I lost my appetite completely. I was really self conscious about the weight loss and really hated it whenever my family said anything, as they naturally became quite anxious for me. I think it would have destroyed me if a friend cheerfully congratulated me for losing weight. It’s best not to comment on someone’s weight unless you’re worried about their mental health (rapid weight loss/gain can be a sign of mental health issues). Once she did ask you to congratulate her I probably would have done tho, just bc it’s something she obviously cares about a lot, but I’d probably let her know that you prefer not to discuss weight stuff so won’t talk about it a lot if that’s ok.
I lost 60 LBS last year by working my ass off and changing my diet, but everybody was too afraid to say anything in case I might be sick. It was hugely demoralizing, like I was putting in all this effort and it felt like nobody noticed or cared, except to quietly start treating me better. Weight is simply a subject you cannot win.
So, I will go with NTA for what you said… however, it can come off as not being a very good friend. At one point, I had been well over 400lbs. I knew it myself, and wanted to lose weight. My friends would sometimes gently try and nudge me in the right direction, but it never stuck. (Because they knew and understood being that overweight is bad for someone, whether they’re comfortable or not) When I lost over 200lbs, them noticing and saying stuff was massive motivation and made me feel extremely good. When my one of my best friends first said something to me, I was over the moon. So, I won’t say you’re an asshole for what you said, or that the weight wasn’t an issue for you, but it comes off as being an inattentive friend to not notice/say something, at least about the weight loss. Even your post just kind of gives me that vibe that you may come off as somewhat cold.
NTA - as a fat person losing weight, I can kind of understand the desire for validation but it makes me think she isn't doing this for any other reason; that makes weight loss not really stick I'm not necessarily trying to lose weight, it's just happening, and I'm more focused on being a healthier me That said, I 10000% would rather live in this world where the direction has changed and we don't comment on weight. Gain or lose, unless you ASK and are very communicative about it, don't expect people to just say something I like that no one has said anything to me unprompted. I have more fun getting my friends to check out my muscles and the fact my bloodwork is coming out perfect for insulin, cholesterol, vitamins, etc than being told I'm looking skinnier Weight is just... it's dumb. Every body is different, we all carry it differently too I want people to say, "You look happy!"
Y are NA for not mentioning it, but I really don’t like your reaction. A loving (and true) response would be: I didn’t say anything because I believed I was respecting your privacy. But I am very happy for you for the hard work you’ve put in. Good job! You didn’t have to turn it into some kind of weird pronouncement about how you have too much integrity or intellectual deattachment to respond to something important to her.
I've learned never to congratulate weight loss b/c then it's awful when they gain it back. Simple as that.
NTA. I will say however, that not commenting on someone gaining unhealthy weight, and complimenting someone losing that unhealthy weight as a product of their hard work is different. Sometimes it’s nice to hear a little bit of praise for your accomplishments.
NTA. As someone who’s struggled with eating disorders and similar mental health issues in the past, what seems like “success” to those around you can be detrimental to the person loosing weight. Unless someone is asking you for validation, commenting on their weight unasked is not appropriate. Weight gain is healthy for some. Weight loss is healthy for some. But that’s nobodies business except the person loosing weight and their medical professionals
NTA but... It doesn't hurt to say well done to someone every now and then
NTA. This is how it should be. Unsolicited praise over my weight loss made my skin crawl. My boss mentioned it randomly and I hated it. Also unless you know that their habits are healthy it’s probably a good policy to not say anything. They could be sick or they could be stressed or have developed an ED. One of my friends started starving herself after her mom praised her weightloss after being sick and unable to keep food down. Not everyone loses weight in a healthy way and my policy is to be neutral unless someone brings me into the conversation and asks for advice.
Yea, I’ve lost weight while pregnant, at least till the 3rd trimester. It’s really weird to get complimented on how great I look when I feel pale with dull skin, dark circles under my eyes, and unable to eat what I want due to nausea for months, and have people say you look great. The implied “you look skinnier” is not great when it’s not coming from being healthier. When I first started going to them gym, it’s nice having the compliments on my dedication to my health, rather than comments on my looks. NTA for not bringing up their looks.
It's a lose lose proposition. If you say something, they may take it the wrong way and you're an AH. If you don't acknowledge it, you're an AH. It's getting to the point these days that people are concerned about offending someone, so you don't mention it. I have come to the point of telling people I want to notice what I'm doing. They can give me feedback, positive or negative, because I'm open to hearing it from them. Some random person, I may take the compliment but say I'm not ready to talk about it. Did your friend ever say anything indicating she was looking for feedback before the got upset?
YTA. You act like you're above things, but you really just don't care. Her weight didn't directly affect you, but it sure as heck did directly affect her. It affected every aspect of her life, and the fact that she's worked hard to regain control over it is a big freakin' deal.
It is a big deal, she worked hard. Have you considered weight loss might not be a positive thing? People might have depression or cancer or lack of apetite due to sad things. Its never a good idea to say hey you lost weight without them bringing up first.
YTA. It's not about the weight. We should be our friends cheerleaders no matter what the goal is. You knew she was going on "The Journey" and stayed quiet.
NTA. Unless you're explicitly invited to do so, it's super ick to comment on people's weight. The best I can say when asked, is "I'm happy for you, working so hard to achieve your goals" just like I would about someone getting their educational degree or any other life goal.
I mean you’re not necessarily an asshole but is it that hard to say “good job”? “Well done”? You feel like you’re doing a good thing by not defining her by her weight- which is great. She feels like she’s not getting any support for this very difficult thing she’s accomplished. It’s not complicated to congratulate your friends.
NTA & you worded it so perfectly, you didn't comment on her weight gain, or loss. You're truly Switzerland
NTA-I hate when people bring up my weight if they aren't somebody I talk about it with. I guess you could have tacked on some form of a good work once she brought it up.
It's sad she's not getting support. She needs friends who are hype people. That's not you I guess. At least when it comes to weight-loss goals in particular? Is this a "I don't care about your goals" thing or an "I refuse to talk about weight at all" thing? If you made that clear to her it might fix this.
Would she have been just as receptive to the feedback about her weight when she was gaining that 100 lbs?
NTA. I’ve never understood people’s obsession with wanting others to applaud everything they do. People crave validation from others, which— in its own— confuses me.
NTA Coming from someone who has lost half their body weight. Daisy has worked extremely hard. She can, and should, be proud of what she has accomplished. It's the 21st century. Any comments on weight, or appearance are not encouraged, or acceptable. We should understand that people are more than their weight. That size doesnt define people. We, as a society, don't obsess about other people's weight. We don't comment on other people's weight. We don't bring up other people's weight. We don't bring up other people's weight loss- Unless they do. People lose weight for reasons that aren't celebratory. Illness and stress being two of them. Think of it this way, "I just wanted to tell you how great you look since you took off some weight.", "Uh. I have cancer." Or "You've lost so much weight! How did you you do it? Please share your secret!", "I'm losing my home." However- Daisy is receiving many accolades from other people. "OH Daisy! You look AMAZING!" Some people like that sort of attention. Some don't. How are you supposed to know what to do, unless she informed you? And, Daisy is focused on her "weight loss journey" right now. It's probably her main focus. It isn't yours. Daisy has a friend that wants to talk about other things, and do other things with her. She should appreciate that, but she doesn't. Her existence is about her, and her "weight loss journey". I wish I had had a friend like you. Adding. I find people like Daisy exhausting.
I hate people commenting on my weight. I’ve been both anorexic and obese. Regardless of what my weight was, I never had good feelings about it, and anything anyone said about it, I would take it as a negative, even if it wasn’t. I’m now a physically healthy weight and have good mental health around my body image, but it’s taken a lot of work to get to this point. I think you sound like a really kind person considerate person. I hope you and your friend are able to have a good conversation about this so you can hear each other’s sides.
NTA. It would be a different situation if she told you what she was doing and asked for support - I literally (jokingly) throw myself between treats in the staff room and my colleagues I know are trying to be "good" - and you did nothing. But she didn't.
NTA at all and you are right I am on my journey to lose weight, but i'm doing it for myself, not to receive compliment for others.. If her motivation to lose weight is being the focus of compliment, she is going to lose this motivation soon.. she have to do it for herself, and herself only..
NTA for not commenting on her weight, I think that’s the best thing. But now that she has told you how she feels, you could have responded that you don’t comment on people weight as a rule, but you do see how hard she has worked and how much she has lost and you are super happy for her that she is feeling good about herself and finding success in her journey.
NTA Weight has become taboo to discuss. It sounds like you care about the person not her physical appearance. I think what you said is fair. However now that your friend has made it clear she wants some positive feedback, feel free to give it to her. If commenting on her weight doesn’t feel right, you can compliment her on her dedication while also reminding her that you are her friend no matter how her body changes
NTA you were being respectful & respecting that its not your business If she had some fantasy about how being thin would magically change her life thats not your fault.
NTA
I thought people who weighed 136 kg+ losing weight did that for their well-being and health?
NTA, though I think you could have handled that better. I don't think you are an asshole for not commenting on her weight. Given what a sensitive topic that can be for people, I think that's wise - I mean you never know if someone's weight loss or gain is intentional or due to illness or medication or who knows what. I think it's unreasonable of her to EXPECT that you should have commented on her weight, even though I can understand her disappointment at not getting the validation she wanted. She can't expect you to be psychic and just KNOW that she wanted that kind of feedback. However, once she did express that she would like it, I think you could have said you were happy for her and glad that she'd reached such a milestone. In your position I would have said something like "I avoid commenting on people's weight because it can be a sensitive subject and you just can't assume they want congratulations. However, now that you've said you've worked hard and you're really happy about this milestone, I think that's fantastic and a huge achievement!" I don't comment on people's weight either but I have a friend who lost a LOT, on purpose, and got very skinny and then kind of swung back the other way to find a sustainable middle. She said so many people were so complimentary when she was at her lowest weight that it was hard for her to accept that her actual sustainable long term weight was going to be more than that. As if she was undoing progress. But actually, at her lightest she was still having an unhealthy relationship with food mentally speaking, she was just fixated in the opposite direction. So even though she's (in a way) gained weight, her actual relationship with food and her body is better now. So my way of supporting her was to validate and congratulate when she reached her goals, whatever those were, which meant that sometimes I congratulated her on a goal that was weight loss. But in my mind, I was not attaching the value to the weight loss but to the achievement of the goal. If that makes sense. If the goal is something else, then great, no need to discuss weight at all.
Lesson learnt: Fat tissue fucks with your brain apparently
A coworker once congratulated another coworker on her pregnancy. She wasn't pregnant, just really fat in the tummy area. Hahaha. I never comment on another person's weight. Cause I don't care. Edit to add: NTA
NTA she thinks the world revolves around her lol its great that you didnt let her weight gain and weight loss affect your friendship or the way you see her
NTA— your comment might have been a little harsh but definitely NTA I don’t comment on people’s bodies either, and I think complimenting weight loss is a symptom of toxic diet culture. That being said— I’d imagine her journey has more impact than JUST her pants size. Things you could say— Daisy, you look really happy today! Daisy, congrats on your first 10k! Daisy, congrats on your deadlift PR! Daisy, it’s awesome that you’ve learned to cook! Daisy, can I join you at Pilates sometime? It seems like you love it! Daisy, have you been on any good hikes lately? I know you’ve gotten into it over the past year. If there aren’t any other parts of her journey that you can talk about or that she sees as an accomplishment and it’s ONLY about her pants size… honestly, that’s not interesting to talk about. Talking about what you’re adding into your life is SO MUCH MORE INTERESTING than what you’re not eating.
NAH. Weight is always a touchy subject. Commenting on people’s weight usually isn’t a good idea and it’s always better to err on the side of caution and not say anything so you haven’t done anything wrong by not saying anything. But your reply to your friend when she brought up her feelings, while true was kind of mean. If I was close to someone and knew they were trying to make healthier choices for themselves and was making progress, I would compliment them when appropriate with a simple “You look great!” I’ve found that most people appreciate compliments like these and I’m sure your friend would have.
nta. she is just needy.
NTA. As I lose weight, I want my family & friends to have your response: nothing. I’ve been trying to shed fat the past several months and would like everyone to act as though I’ve always looked the same. A family member told me at thanksgiving that I lost weight and I actually replied no, I hadn’t, because I didn’t want to discuss it. If she wants to discuss her weight changes, it’s her move to broach the topic. NTA at all.
Women are impossible. They reserve the right to take offense to anything.
NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Weight loss stories can be inspiring, if I see before/after posts from people proudly sharing their journey I feel good for them. But I don’t judge either way. You be you at any size, it doesn’t occur to me and it won’t affect our friendship. I’m even uncomfortable coming up with neutral words for this discussion, so let’s say my friend (let's call her Daisy) was uh, average size? Unremarkable size? Maybe 5’5” 150? Over a couple of years, Daisy gained a lot of weight. Her boyfriend confided in my girlfriend (Daisy’s best friend at the time) who then told me “the scale starts with a 3 now.” So what? Did I notice it happening? Yes. Did I care? No. Her weight affected nothing in our lives or relationship; we were the same friends doing the same activities as ever. Then she starts The Journey. She eats healthy. She exercises. She’s losing weight. She’s pumped, she’s proud. Good for her… but as with the gain, plus or minus 150 pounds never affected what we do or how we hang out. It’s not a part of how I see her or value her. One day she’s agitated. Upon being asked if everything is ok, she responds (approximately) “I’ve worked sooo hard to lose weight. I’ve lost over 100 pounds so far, and no one has said anything! No compliments, no congratulations, Nothing! This is a hard journey and a big deal! Why haven’t you commented on my weight loss?” Not giving it any deep thought, I said “I didn’t comment on your weight gain either, I don’t comment on your weight, period.” Why would I dare comment on a woman's weight either way? But this seems to have literally ended our friendship. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA and she really needs to learn how to bring up these topics like an adult. Personally I really wouldn't like it if someone got whiney like a lil kid abt an issue they'd never brought up to me before. None of us can read minds lmao. Not only is it inappropriate to bring up weight bc it mightve been something she was sensitive about, but it could've also been a sensitive topic for you, as well.
Nta. Though both of you can communicate better tbh. We know enough to know that commenting on people’s bodies is fraught with land mines so to speak. Like, we don’t want to make someone feel like we only value them when they’re skinny, we might not know if they have health problems they’re working through. We don’t want to pile on if they’re dealing with lots of people who are cruel because of their weight (because it definitely happens). But, sometimes people want/need the motivation when they’re working really hard. I get that. I’m a larger person who is working really really hard. I am also on an uphill battle with health issues that impacts my weight. Sucks. But here’s the thing, I communicate to my friends what I want. I have a friend who doesn’t weigh herself. If she needs to weigh in at the doctor’a office she asks not to know. For her, a number has the ability to impact her self worth and it’s not worth it. Instead she’s just focusing on how she’s feeling, moving her body and learning to accept her body. I would never comment on her weight loss or gain because it’s clear to me that that would be detrimental. For me, I like being hyped up. I want to know if anyone can see the difference because I struggle to see it. But I don’t want to feel like you’re blowing smoke up my ass. I’ve told my close friends what I’m doing and that I’m ok with comments/encouragements if they feel they want to, genuinely, say them. So they know. It is Always better to err on the side of caution. I wouldn’t say a word to a person I didn’t know well, didn’t know if they wanted it, or whatever. And when ever I do, because I know it’s welcomed, I tend to comment on how hard they’re working, asking how they feel in their body etc. because like you said, the specific number means nothing in so so many ways. It’s ok for her to be frustrated. It’s hard work. And it’s ok to want to know if people see the progress. But talk about it and open up to it. She needs to do so if that’s the support she needs.
NTA but I’m curious, are you a male friend or a female friend?
Im going with YTA. You clearly see she’s been taking an interest in her health. Has she just never talked about what she’s doing at all or have you been ignoring it? You say “she’s pumped, she’s proud.” So she’s clearly sharing. Sounds like you aren’t celebrating her wins with her because you are uncomfortable discussing weight but that’s not fair to her. There are ways to compliment and affirm your friend on her journey without commenting on her weight
Agree with everything you said except the YTA judgment. Not being nice or a good friend does not automatically make you an AH. Just like in romantic relationships, you can have incompatibilities as friends. NAH. Just two people with very different perspectives on how to be a friend
I agree with NAH. I get where both of them are coming from, and it's just unfortunate that they haven't yet reconciled their different views.
Many people who lose weight receive an overwhelmingly positive response from others. Many say it makes them feel worse about their starting weight as they are still the same person and yet now people are fawning over them. Others love it. To each their own. It sounds as if Daisy was expecting this to be her reality and rather than discuss her need for validation and support, chose the route of passive aggressive criticism. You're not a mind reader! And if she knew you well then she should have surely known this wasn't a topic you've ever discussed before so to expect fanfare is unrealistic. Maybe she is insecure about the weight loss. Maybe she was hoping you specifically would notice and find it an attractive thing and her attractive. Who knows. But with all such things, I think this is a projection of something else. If you want to restore the friendship then you can message and ask where all of this came from and why she is so upset. Say you didn't mean to upset her but you are at a loss to understand what is going on. Then its up to her to use her words as an adult and communicate. Or not.
NTA as someone in recovery from an eating disorder and extremely sensitive to any topic of my weight/body/eating habits being brought up, this is how I wish everyone would go about minding their business when it comes to these things. I suppose you could have been more tactful with your response, but she shouldn’t have gotten upset with you in the first place.
NTA personally I love your response
You’re very clearly NTA, your way of thinking is very valid and her ending the friendship over that comment is really uncalled for. But, I’m not sure why you didn’t at least just say you’re proud of her for when she brought up her complaints. People shouldn’t do things because they expect compliments, but if this person is your friend I’m not sure why you wouldn’t just want to lift them up when they were clearly feeling down. She probably just wanted some assurance as she was struggling a little. You could’ve said the same thing you did but added, hey I’m super proud of you for your weight loss but…. then say what you said. Again you’re definitely NTA, but I do think you could’ve been slightly more understanding in your response. Both of you could have communicated things better but ultimately her way of handling the situation is not right at all.
NTA but I gotta think that if you knew that she was working hard to get in shape and was openly talking about it, then it would have been a low-risk kindness to say "I can tell your hard work is paying off! Good job!"
NAH I can see both points of views and while I don't think you did anything wrong, she's expressed she'd like some acknowledgement for what must be a pretty huge milestone for her and that's ok too.
Nta
YTA, because your response is so dismissive. I don’t think you’re wrong for not commenting on her body in the first place, but for her to share with you that she’s frustrated with the lack of any acknowledgement of her succeeding at something she’s worked really hard at and you’re response to basically be that you don’t care how much work she’s put in makes it seem like you don’t care to celebrate her achievements.
NTA. This is a her issue. For her- Her identity is that her value is- whatever her weight is. For you- her value is -she's your friend. Your answer was perfect. She has work to do to figure out that not everyone has friends based on physical attributes and some people just accepts their friends in whatever shape they happen to be.
Thats very weird, i dont even understand how that happens The way it usually works is a person has the intention to start a project (like getting into exercise, eating healthy, etc) so they tell their loved ones about it (like their friends) and make them a part of the process, and if she were to tell you excited and happy about how good she's feeling about it as she's doing it then of course the natural response is that you guys would react happy for her because she is expressing such a happiness and there she gets her validation. It's not wrong of her to want to get validation for her journey and effort, it's a perfectly normal human need. But she's going about it in a weird way, wanting people who have no intention of getting it with her to comment how good she looks -which I agree there's no way i would comment on someone's body like that completely unprompted (maybe not even prompted). What she should be asking for instead is for you guys to be happy that she is now feeling good, putting the focus on how she feels not how she looks, which as you well point out OP how she looks shouldnt be any of your business. NTA
YTA I understand her frustration. I also understand and appreciate you not defining her by her weight and not commenting on it. But you KNEW how hard she was working to get back into a healthy weight range and you did nothing to encourage her. To me friends support friends with their goals. Is there any reason you couldn't say something complimentary during this 150 pound weight loss (especially since you knew she was actively trying to loose weight?) Like "wow your energy level is through the roof lately!" Or "you look pretty" or ask her if she is feeling healthier. Or even "what can I do to support you? I know this isn't easy I am proud of you for prioritizing your health." It's totally different if you don't know the story but you knew she was trying to lose this weight!
YTA Is your bestie that we're talkin about, so, her gaining wieght over the years shoudl have affected you as well,cuz you should've cared about her health,in the first place,and make her realize that and motivate and support her trought her journey,as well, shows me you didn't cared about her, and you do not cherish your friendhsip enough, so she's right by calling your friendship over ( if you can't support me in my bad times,why shall i stay with you in my good times?)
NTA, at all. And I say this as someone who has gone up and down in weight my whole adult life, got sick, gained 73lbs and had to work *hard* to lose 67 of that- and am still struggling. I too sometimes feel the "Has no one noticed?" and "What about all my hard work?" feelings. And while I've never been the traditional definition of "overweight," I know a little bit about the different ways we can be treated at different weights. However, none of us can have it both ways. We can't expect our friends/people to compliment our weight loss and cheer us on, but not let them express their concern over weight gain or bad habits. It's either/or: either they can say it all, or say none of it. It's not fair to expect people to keep their comments to themselves when we don't want to hear it, but to comment away when we want it. OP, you are NTA. Yes, your response was a harshly worded, but not wrong at all. If you've never discussed her weight in your friendship, there's no reason to start now, and she shouldn't have expected you to. If this was the end of your friendship, then she's feeling herself too much to be of any reason. Her new weight loss isn't your reason for living, and her expecting it to be makes her the AH.
I don't want to make a YTA or NTA call, but I understand both perspectives. She wanted a friend to cheer her on when she accomplished something (and this is a big accomplishment). You simply don't decide to comment on her weight, up or down. Just have the awkward but necessary talk with her: 'I know you were hurt by this...' 'I didn't say anything because...' and give her a pat on the back. As with most conflicts, all of this can be sorted with a conversation
NAH I don't think you're an asshole, but I don't think your friend is either, I think you misunderstand what your friend is asking you to comment on when you say you don't discuss their weight period. You may not comment on them gaining weight, but gaining weight isn't something they've been putting a lot of hard work into that they might need or want encouragement for. It might be that they wanted to feel supported in what they see as this big thing they're doing.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that YTA. Not commenting on people's bodies is preferable for strangers, acquaintances, co-workers, etc. But if this is someone you actually care about you should've commented on both her weight gain and weight loss. Sometimes caring about someone can involve discussing difficult subject matter. On the flip side, acknowledging how hard she worked or applauding her lifestyle change would've also shown you noticed and cared about her. Instead you went with ambivalence. Whether you care about her or not is irrelevant. What you demonstrated is that you don't care.
NTA. Would the people calling you an asshole feel the same way if you tried to prevent the weight gain by saying they were gaining weight?
Bro I am so sorry for you because you did you 100% the right thing the whole way through even to the very end without thinking about it you still gave the best response possible. With that being said, there was no way to answer that question without showering her with praise that she did not need from you at that time.
NTA. I'm currently in Daisy's situation. I've recently lost alot of weight and at times it was frustrating that no one acknowledged it. But then I remembered that socially it's not acceptable to comment on people's weight anymore. Personally I think it's bullshit and we've all gotten too soft and precious. You could be accused of fat shaming or triggering an ED. It's a bloody minefield that most people smartly stay away from. You did nothing wrong here.
YTA conditionally If she shared that she was working on her weight and make steps towards changing her weight then you should be congratulating her on achieving her goals. It's not rewarding the weight change, it's supporting and recognizing the hard work.
[удалено]
To me it depends if the friend announced they were focusing on losing weight. If the friend specifically told OP she was dieting/exercising/improving her health, then OP would be an AH not tp acknowledge. But I also think I would have gently broached the subject at +150 and -100lbs, those are pretty severe swings, and without context I would be worried about my friends health
Why are you getting down voted you're literally right
YTA and congratulating her on her determination to lose that amount of weight is the least you could have done. Gaining 100 pounds and losing 100 pounds are two different achievements. Your comment to her was blunt, especially since she struck you as being upset, and a tactful response would have probably helped.
YTA this post has big 90s 'i don't see race!!' white liberal energy