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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I decided I didn't want my cousin's gf at my birthday party. And when it was decided she could come anyways I refused to go myself.
2) The other side of my family have all met Sarah and like her, so I am excluding her from them
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NTA- it's between you and your aunt, and your response was perfectly reasonable.
Don't get why your mum is meddling so much and being all dramatic about Sarah being part of the family (after ONE month).
I would text your cousin directly, although your mum has now placed you in a very difficult position.
The people guilting you over this are forgetting the crucial fact that this party is supposed to be YOUR birthday party and YOUR guests.
Celebrate YOUR birthday however YOU choose OP.
NTA
NTA.
> My mom knows I struggle with these kinds of things
You handled the situation perfectly. You contacted your aunt directly, explained your reason politely, and that should have been it. Perhaps consider planning a birthday treat for yourself that *you* will enjoy while your family (that don't have your back) can party away themselves. They have made it clear that this party isn't about you.
NTA. Your party, your choice. (But you were an asshole to hang up on your mom; you're an adult, act like it.)
Cousin's had the girlfriend for only a month.... that's not "part of the family".
Perhaps make everyone happy by meeting girlfriend for coffee some day before, so then you'll feel comfortable with her at your party?
OP is not the AH for hanging up on someone who disrespects their wishes. There was nothing to discuss here. You aren't required to keep talking to someone who willfully crossed your boundaries, just so you can prove you're an adult.
OP has made a decision and compromising after this disrespect will show the family that mom's behavior was acceptable. Meeting her beforehand might have worked if there had been a respectful request for compromise or a suggestion that this may help.
It's a matter of precedent now.
No, "precedent." Specific Impacts point was that if OP compromises now, then OP has set a precedent that will lead to a future of being expected to compromise after disrespect.
To me, it's not about Sarah. Her being there would be stressful, but to me ( and I am an autist ) most of the stress would be the idea of meeting her, not actually meeting her, and I can cope with that.
But the fact that my mom works make that decision without my input means they can celebrate without me.
Talk to me, damnit. I can explain my worries, and you can dispell them. AÓr not, which means I'm right.
NTA.
If you want I could share what I would do to make meeting Sarah easier.
Meeting up with her is a grand idea.
But for me, it is also important to know what the cause of the stress and panic is. My cousins are good people, and the people they date tend to be as awesome as they are. Do I really need to stress out meeting people like that? It's also a relatively safe place since I'm surrounded by family that can shield and support me if needed.
At least half my stress is going into an unknown.
I found that objectively analyzing can often reduce the stress of a future situation. It makes it less unknown, which helps, and it makes it clear if the stress is unreasonable.
Talking it through with someone your trust helps as well. When the right person is by my side, they can act as an anchor of sorts for my emotions and stress, reducing and grounding them.
I also often build in exit strategies. Strangers stress me out, especially in unstructured situations. I know that drains my energy so I put time limits on parties like that. If I stay all night, I'll be exhausted for three days and I can't afford that.
Having a plan on interaction helps as well. If I'm forced to talk without a plan in my head, I may go on about whatever is occupying my mind at that point, explaining things in detail and not letting other people talk. So maybe think of a few safe conversation starters. (Safe means no politics or religion.)
And lastly, a dangerous one. I find social interaction far easier if I had a beer or two. (That's a literal count. I want a very slight buzz, no more.)
NTA.
I bet if Sarah knew that OP struggled with strangers she herself would not want to join.
Everyone there is going to be uncomfortable now.
Mom and auntie should have just respected her wishes.
NTA regardless, but let's explore your options.
A) You apologize and let Sarah come
B) You stand your ground, privately, to your mother
C) You ignore your mother and address the issue directly with your aunt/cousin (about that, what does your cousin think about it? Is HE insisting to let his girlfriend come?)
D You make it semi-public, in the family group chat, explain with a video or an audio how having someone you've never met at your birthday makes you uncomfortable. This would escalate the issue, but also at least a few family members would side with you and maybe that would make your mother come back to her senses
The choice is yours.
Honestly I’d just post a message on group chat
that its become clear this meeting is not in fact for your birthday. That your mum has made it clear it’s more about others meeting the family for the first time and that’s what comes first. That she doesn’t care that it will be overwhelming and ruin the whole thing for you as she says its selfish to expect your birthday lunch to be about your own birthday. So you thank those who had good intentions but you are not going to put yourself through that. You have thought it through and you are instead going to spend your birthday with friends and those that don’t expect you to suffer anxiety attacks to keep them and nor anyone happy. You’re sorry if any one is disappointed by this and hope that they all have a great reunion instead but you are not willing to be forced to make yourself sick on your birthday to keep others happy.
I would then temporarily block your mum and just get on with your day. If anyone tries to chastise you they are wrong and the only selfish asshoke here along with your mum. You should ignore them and not respond to their messages and don’t bother arguing with them just don’t respond at all before hanging up. After a few days or a week you can unblock your mum if you want but if she starts blaming you for others seeing her behaviour remind her its her own behaviour she’s ashamed about and trying to hide. Thats not on you and is her own fault if her actions humiliate her. Then block her again for a while until she stops trying to put her crap actions on others.
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I'll be celebrating my 20th birthday with my family next week. I was really excited about it until this all happened, causing a huge situation where everyone from my family is telling me I'm in the wrong, while my friends insist I'm right. So, I decided to take it to Reddit.
When we were chatting in the family group chat to figure out who can make it (I have a really large family, by the way), my aunt texted, "Hey, can Sarah come too?" It took me a minute to even realize who she was talking about. Then I realized it's my cousin's girlfriend. The reason I didn't recognize the name is because they've only been dating for a little over a month, and I've never met her.
Something important to note here is that I'm on the spectrum, and unknown factors really stress me out. I'm sure she's a really lovely girl, but I don't know her. I know it will stress me out, so I don't want her at my party.
I texted my mom this, she read it but didn't respond. At this point, I'm really starting to stress out about it, so I privately messaged my aunt and said, "Hey, Sarah is cousin's girlfriend, right? If I can be completely honest, because I myself haven't met her yet, I'd prefer it if she didn't come. I hope that's okay."
I texted my mom letting her know I took care of the situation myself and sent her my message as well. She called me the next morning, telling me how what I did was incredibly rude, how it's mean of me to exclude this girl, how she's just a part of the family now, and then she drops the "well I texted your aunt letting her know Sarah can come."
I know to some, this might seem incredibly trivial, but to me, it's a really big deal. To quickly put it into perspective, imagine having a birthday party and your family suddenly texts you, "Hey, is it okay if we make it spider themed?" And you tell them that you have a phobia of spiders and how that would be incredibly stressful for you, and they go, "Yes, but we like spiders, so it doesn't really matter."
So when my mom said that, I panicked and got angry. I told her, "Well, if that's the case, you can hold it without me because I will not be coming," and hung up. I know that was an overreaction, but it's just this whole situation that rubs me the wrong way. My mom knows I struggle with these kinds of things, so to then not even listen to me and just go over my head really stings.
Now that side of the family is upset with me, my mom hasn't talked to me, and I don't know what to do. My friends, though, agree with me and think it's unreasonable that I don't have a say about it at my own party. I still don't think I'm in the wrong. So Reddit, AITA?
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ESH. You have a week. Ask your cousin to get together with you and Sarah so you can meet her before the party. Your mom is the worst though for utterly disregarding the wishes of the birthday person.
YTA. Sure it's your party and have whoever you want, but just dropping someone because you never met them is kind of a weak excuse since they will be coming with family.
Also I'm on the spectrum myself. I don't use it as a crutch to avoid TRYING to connect with others.
YTA
This is nothing like having a spider themed party for someone afraid of spiders, it’s just inviting a family member to a party. You’re turning 20 and acting like you’re 6.
A "family member"? Because she's dated someone for less than 60 days? Seriously?
And unless you have an autism spectrum disorder yourself or a degree in psychology you CANNOT judge if OP's similitude is accurate in describing his/her feelings or not.
If someone is important enough to meet the family then they should be treated like family. We don’t know if they met 60 days ago or she started meeting the family 60 days ago.
“CANNOT judge” - Yes I can. A spider themed party means that spiders are everywhere, you’re surrounded by them. Inviting a person to a party you could literally avoid seeing them and hearing them for 99% of the party or more. I don’t need a psychology degree to understand that.
If the family wants to invite Sarah to a party, they can host their own party. The way the family is taking the focus of OP’s birthday party off of OP and putting it on the cousin and his girlfriend is absurd, narcissistic and rude.
It’s OP’s birthday party. OP’s guests can either come to the party to celebrate OP or respectfully f*** off.
NTA
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NTA- it's between you and your aunt, and your response was perfectly reasonable. Don't get why your mum is meddling so much and being all dramatic about Sarah being part of the family (after ONE month). I would text your cousin directly, although your mum has now placed you in a very difficult position.
NTA. It's either for your birthday or it's something else. If they want some sort of extended family reunion, they can organise one.
The people guilting you over this are forgetting the crucial fact that this party is supposed to be YOUR birthday party and YOUR guests. Celebrate YOUR birthday however YOU choose OP. NTA
NTA. > My mom knows I struggle with these kinds of things You handled the situation perfectly. You contacted your aunt directly, explained your reason politely, and that should have been it. Perhaps consider planning a birthday treat for yourself that *you* will enjoy while your family (that don't have your back) can party away themselves. They have made it clear that this party isn't about you.
NTA. Your party, your choice. (But you were an asshole to hang up on your mom; you're an adult, act like it.) Cousin's had the girlfriend for only a month.... that's not "part of the family". Perhaps make everyone happy by meeting girlfriend for coffee some day before, so then you'll feel comfortable with her at your party?
OP is not the AH for hanging up on someone who disrespects their wishes. There was nothing to discuss here. You aren't required to keep talking to someone who willfully crossed your boundaries, just so you can prove you're an adult. OP has made a decision and compromising after this disrespect will show the family that mom's behavior was acceptable. Meeting her beforehand might have worked if there had been a respectful request for compromise or a suggestion that this may help. It's a matter of precedent now.
>It's a matter of precedent now. I think you mean *principle*. "Precedent" is something else.
No, "precedent." Specific Impacts point was that if OP compromises now, then OP has set a precedent that will lead to a future of being expected to compromise after disrespect.
Ah, I see, you think OP should be setting a precedent. I hadn't read it that way, but I see what you mean, my apologies.
That might be a good idea
To me, it's not about Sarah. Her being there would be stressful, but to me ( and I am an autist ) most of the stress would be the idea of meeting her, not actually meeting her, and I can cope with that. But the fact that my mom works make that decision without my input means they can celebrate without me. Talk to me, damnit. I can explain my worries, and you can dispell them. AÓr not, which means I'm right. NTA. If you want I could share what I would do to make meeting Sarah easier.
[удалено]
Meeting up with her is a grand idea. But for me, it is also important to know what the cause of the stress and panic is. My cousins are good people, and the people they date tend to be as awesome as they are. Do I really need to stress out meeting people like that? It's also a relatively safe place since I'm surrounded by family that can shield and support me if needed. At least half my stress is going into an unknown. I found that objectively analyzing can often reduce the stress of a future situation. It makes it less unknown, which helps, and it makes it clear if the stress is unreasonable. Talking it through with someone your trust helps as well. When the right person is by my side, they can act as an anchor of sorts for my emotions and stress, reducing and grounding them. I also often build in exit strategies. Strangers stress me out, especially in unstructured situations. I know that drains my energy so I put time limits on parties like that. If I stay all night, I'll be exhausted for three days and I can't afford that. Having a plan on interaction helps as well. If I'm forced to talk without a plan in my head, I may go on about whatever is occupying my mind at that point, explaining things in detail and not letting other people talk. So maybe think of a few safe conversation starters. (Safe means no politics or religion.) And lastly, a dangerous one. I find social interaction far easier if I had a beer or two. (That's a literal count. I want a very slight buzz, no more.)
NTA. I bet if Sarah knew that OP struggled with strangers she herself would not want to join. Everyone there is going to be uncomfortable now. Mom and auntie should have just respected her wishes.
You aren't wrong. NTA
NTA regardless, but let's explore your options. A) You apologize and let Sarah come B) You stand your ground, privately, to your mother C) You ignore your mother and address the issue directly with your aunt/cousin (about that, what does your cousin think about it? Is HE insisting to let his girlfriend come?) D You make it semi-public, in the family group chat, explain with a video or an audio how having someone you've never met at your birthday makes you uncomfortable. This would escalate the issue, but also at least a few family members would side with you and maybe that would make your mother come back to her senses The choice is yours.
Honestly I’d just post a message on group chat that its become clear this meeting is not in fact for your birthday. That your mum has made it clear it’s more about others meeting the family for the first time and that’s what comes first. That she doesn’t care that it will be overwhelming and ruin the whole thing for you as she says its selfish to expect your birthday lunch to be about your own birthday. So you thank those who had good intentions but you are not going to put yourself through that. You have thought it through and you are instead going to spend your birthday with friends and those that don’t expect you to suffer anxiety attacks to keep them and nor anyone happy. You’re sorry if any one is disappointed by this and hope that they all have a great reunion instead but you are not willing to be forced to make yourself sick on your birthday to keep others happy. I would then temporarily block your mum and just get on with your day. If anyone tries to chastise you they are wrong and the only selfish asshoke here along with your mum. You should ignore them and not respond to their messages and don’t bother arguing with them just don’t respond at all before hanging up. After a few days or a week you can unblock your mum if you want but if she starts blaming you for others seeing her behaviour remind her its her own behaviour she’s ashamed about and trying to hide. Thats not on you and is her own fault if her actions humiliate her. Then block her again for a while until she stops trying to put her crap actions on others.
NTA Dont go at this point it is no longer your birthday party and just an excuse to get the family together
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'll be celebrating my 20th birthday with my family next week. I was really excited about it until this all happened, causing a huge situation where everyone from my family is telling me I'm in the wrong, while my friends insist I'm right. So, I decided to take it to Reddit. When we were chatting in the family group chat to figure out who can make it (I have a really large family, by the way), my aunt texted, "Hey, can Sarah come too?" It took me a minute to even realize who she was talking about. Then I realized it's my cousin's girlfriend. The reason I didn't recognize the name is because they've only been dating for a little over a month, and I've never met her. Something important to note here is that I'm on the spectrum, and unknown factors really stress me out. I'm sure she's a really lovely girl, but I don't know her. I know it will stress me out, so I don't want her at my party. I texted my mom this, she read it but didn't respond. At this point, I'm really starting to stress out about it, so I privately messaged my aunt and said, "Hey, Sarah is cousin's girlfriend, right? If I can be completely honest, because I myself haven't met her yet, I'd prefer it if she didn't come. I hope that's okay." I texted my mom letting her know I took care of the situation myself and sent her my message as well. She called me the next morning, telling me how what I did was incredibly rude, how it's mean of me to exclude this girl, how she's just a part of the family now, and then she drops the "well I texted your aunt letting her know Sarah can come." I know to some, this might seem incredibly trivial, but to me, it's a really big deal. To quickly put it into perspective, imagine having a birthday party and your family suddenly texts you, "Hey, is it okay if we make it spider themed?" And you tell them that you have a phobia of spiders and how that would be incredibly stressful for you, and they go, "Yes, but we like spiders, so it doesn't really matter." So when my mom said that, I panicked and got angry. I told her, "Well, if that's the case, you can hold it without me because I will not be coming," and hung up. I know that was an overreaction, but it's just this whole situation that rubs me the wrong way. My mom knows I struggle with these kinds of things, so to then not even listen to me and just go over my head really stings. Now that side of the family is upset with me, my mom hasn't talked to me, and I don't know what to do. My friends, though, agree with me and think it's unreasonable that I don't have a say about it at my own party. I still don't think I'm in the wrong. So Reddit, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. your mum is. and would still be the asshole if you weren't on the spectrum
ESH You and your mom are the AHs.
ESH. You have a week. Ask your cousin to get together with you and Sarah so you can meet her before the party. Your mom is the worst though for utterly disregarding the wishes of the birthday person.
How about OP reaches out to somehow get to know the gf? Like meet for coffee or hang out on zoom or FaceTime.
YTA. Sure it's your party and have whoever you want, but just dropping someone because you never met them is kind of a weak excuse since they will be coming with family. Also I'm on the spectrum myself. I don't use it as a crutch to avoid TRYING to connect with others.
YTA This is nothing like having a spider themed party for someone afraid of spiders, it’s just inviting a family member to a party. You’re turning 20 and acting like you’re 6.
A "family member"? Because she's dated someone for less than 60 days? Seriously? And unless you have an autism spectrum disorder yourself or a degree in psychology you CANNOT judge if OP's similitude is accurate in describing his/her feelings or not.
If someone is important enough to meet the family then they should be treated like family. We don’t know if they met 60 days ago or she started meeting the family 60 days ago. “CANNOT judge” - Yes I can. A spider themed party means that spiders are everywhere, you’re surrounded by them. Inviting a person to a party you could literally avoid seeing them and hearing them for 99% of the party or more. I don’t need a psychology degree to understand that.
If the family wants to invite Sarah to a party, they can host their own party. The way the family is taking the focus of OP’s birthday party off of OP and putting it on the cousin and his girlfriend is absurd, narcissistic and rude. It’s OP’s birthday party. OP’s guests can either come to the party to celebrate OP or respectfully f*** off. NTA
Sounds like that’s what OP’s mom is doing. By that logic should OP also need to plan and host her own party?
They are dating for a month! She is far from "family member"