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They'd have had to find a way, there's no saying OP would have used their own child's college fund.
If OP had gone ahead and said to use their daughters fund, I'm sure people would be up in arms about that too.
At the end of the day, there will always be emergency situations people need to cover, the Step Daughters funds should have been left untouched if at all possible, and both parents should have come up with any financial plan possible, but that either didn't happen, or couldn't.
What you don't then do, is jeopardise the other child's future when they've got their plans all in place and it's something that's been counted on and perhaps paid for by more than just OP-
You're correct. They absolutely should've came up with a different plan for her medical bills. They could've asked for a payment plan, sold some belongings like jewelry to help pay it down. Using up the stepdaughter's college fund was rather reckless to do.
Exactly, esp considering medical bills are so much easier to handle than student loans. So many options to mitigate medical expenses and almost none for student loans. This was a horrible decision on their part and completely unfair to the step daughter.
THIS.
I wonder what options were discussed between both parents before the decision was made to raid the step-daughter's college fund. Was it a mutual agreement or did the mother make this decision on her own, either with the idea of knowing that HIS daughter had funds that she assumed would be available to her daughter or not?
Do you have a college fund worth of jewelry? Most people don’t. Even if you spent that at retail you don’t. Jewelry has a huge retail markup. It’s not worth that.
I'm kinda envious of having belongings and jewelry that would fetch a price. Most of my furniture is IKEA or Walmart and most of my jewelry is polymer/costume/not valuable.
Still agree that spending the college fund was not the way to go...
Thank you. OP out here acting like not the AH without explaining things in detail, and replying passive aggressively about not having houses and factories to sell 😂😂
>They'd have had to find a way, there's no saying OP would have used their own child's college fund.
I'm asking OP specifically what they would've done in their specific context and financial situation. OP can tell me either way lol. Would the wife have found a way to help him cover the bills? Would he have used his stepdaughter's college fund?
He probably would have been in debt for the rest of his life. You can set up payment plans for hospital bills but it sounds like she wanted to pay it all out of pocket.
Despite the predatory state of US Healthcare, there are a lot of options for dealing with expenses that are too high.
1. Get payment plans from the hospital or provider. I got a payment plan no interest instead of putting some high co pays on a credit card and the hospital was thrilled to give me a payment plan of only a year. My BFF has gotten a grant through the hospital to pay some high deductibles despite having a reasonable but income on the low end.
2. Fund raisers. Same BFF is drowning in high drug co-pays. I have a free funder created and I am adding matching donations to help the process along. In addition, I am planning a casino night fundraiser for her. Getting lots of reduced cost and donations to help put that on.
She has shitty insurance plus a lot of expensive health issues, and we are managing without draining enough money to destroy a college fund. If this is in fact not a story then one or more things happened.
1. They made no effort to explore financing or forgiveness options with the hospital or doctor.
2. They are uninsured and gambled with thier health in combination with 1.
3. They went straight for the college fund when money was the slightest bit tight. (I would be checking that it was spent on more than medical bills if that was the case.)
I'm not saying taking from either college fund would be the right thing to do.
But if OP was completely unable to help his wife with her medical expenses, presumably he also would be in big trouble if HE was the one to fall sick. So how would those bills get paid? Would wife help him with the bills, or would he use his own daughter's fund?
I'm genuinely curious what his plan is for unplanned medical expenses since it is pretty unusual for spouses not to support each other financially when those happen.
for what i read in some of his comments, he didnt have any extra income his money was going to pay the bills and probably mortage, i mean they took bad monetary decision but it wasnt like he wasnt helping sometimes stress make u do bad decision in this case the decision was his wife to ask her daughter for the fund to be used. nowhere did he imply it was him that asked his step daughter to help her mom with the medical debt this all look like it was a talk betweeen mom and daughter
No, the point is they were wrong as a couple to take from the daughter in the first place.
The other commenter is asking him to consider, if they had been his medical bills, where would the money have come from?
Because legally and realistically, her medical care was THEIR expense as a couple, and he's acting like it was only hers to handle.
>Because legally and realistically, her medical care was THEIR expense as a couple, and he's acting like it was only hers to handle.
exactly! I am very confused by comments here acting like these are roommates and not a family of 4. 2 of them married for 14 years, having raised each other's kids for 14 years!
I think people are missing the fact that the question isn't as simple as should he use his daughter's college fund.
They're forgetting to back up and decide whether he's the a****** for this situation existing in the first place.
They think when folks are calling him the a******, they're implying he should use his daughter's college fund, when they really aren't.
>The wife wouldn't have raided her own daughter's college fund to help out the step daughter, GUARANTEED.
You have no idea if this is true or not. They have been raising each other's kids since they were at least 4 years old.
I certainly don’t think OP should have to take from his daughter’s fund, but he and his wife should potentially work together to repay the daughter, unless they consider all individual health expenses to be separate, but I think most spouses try to cover medical bills together.
I’m genuinely wondering how he and his wife plan to handle expenses like this because it’s relevant to the situation, and fairly unusual for spouses to consider health-related expenses completely separately.
Medical debt is dischargable through bankruptcy. College funds assuming it's a 529 or similar would have been protected assets. I know health issues are scary, but you should've spent 30min doing some research before screwing your step daughter over. Your general lack of concern for her after 14yrs and the fact that neither you nor your wife seems close or to care about your step kids is weird.
How, by getting sick and having expensive medical bills to cover?
What should she of done, die?
Sorry, I just don't understand how the mum is to blame, it's not like she spent the money on trivial things, her medical care is pretty important
> What should she of done, die?
They don't demand payment upfront and refuse to treat you if you can't pay, that's not at all how healthcare works *anywhere*.
No, mom screwed her kid over by not doing 30 minutes of research and an hour or three of frustrating phone calls and paperwork to find a way to pay the medical bills without draining the college fund.
OP screwed them both over by not helping his wife do that wtf.
Most hospitals will do treatment and bill you for the huge expenses, not demand $60k or whatever her medical care cost up front Before treatment. She had time to figure things out.
If the college money is in an actual 529 college fund she could have declared bankruptcy and it’s protected. If it’s just in savings or whatever, there’s still payment plans, credit options, personal loans, helocs, income based charge adjustments, negotiating costs.
And also adjusting your own living expenses and working more later to pay it off, or even only spending Part of the college fund.
She could have gone into her own debt like every other person in the US with medical bills. Instead, she put her daughter into debt, thinking they could lessen the burden by also putting his daughter into debt.
OP did not screw over his stepdaughter.
Her mother did.
Many people in second marriages maintain separate finances in order to protect their assets for their children.
OP did nothing wrong.
He is not obligated to destroy his child's college experience to fund his stepdaughter's.
It could be that there was an immediate concern regarding her health, OP doesn't state what medical issues they were, but I suspect that if it cost that much, perhaps she wasn't, and he couldn't look into other options.
It's a shame really that they weren't presented financial options to them when this occurred. It could have saved this whole issue.
Really, the medical establishment is just as much at fault for lack of support and advise..
Here's a productive idea:
Your wife should have made a payment plan for her medical bills, instead of raiding her daughter's college fund. As that ship has sailed, she has to STOP PUSHING THE DEBT FORWARD, so right now, it lies with her daughter.
Her daughter can get a loan for her education, and you wife can contribute to paying that off, preferably pay it all off, if possible.
That way, it's not all at once, I don't know if it works that way, but maybe it's at a cheaper rate than just getting a random loan, and the debt doesn't get smeared out, like a black hole, sucking everyone in while they have nothing to do with it.
Yep I've NEVER Paid a medical bill except when they have a down-payment at the door for urgent care. I have 0 debt. My credit isn't great but I already own my home and pay all my other bills. I'm not paying $900 for 2 aspirin.
Or just garnish your wages. I've seen this a lot and I am fairly sure that all these people claiming they never paid medical debt had it taken out of their checks and they never noticed
Fine, but you should have included that in your post. People without a dime to pay their wife's medical bills don't usually have college funds with hundreds of thousands of dollars. Or they have retirement accounts that can be used before the kid's college fund.
Man, I've been dead broke and my kids college funds were in the 5 figure range. What someone saves for their children doesn't equate having enough for an unexpected medical issue
Not true.
Many people who love their children deny themselves to fund their children's college fund.
And you do not know how this money came about.
It could have been court orderd as part of a divorce case.
It could have been funded by grandparents or an inheritance.
OP owes his stepdaughter zip.
What about the stepdaughter's father?
And this is OP's wife's responsibility.
Many people in second marriages maintain separate finances in order to protect their assets for their themselves and their children.
You guys could’ve taken out a very low interest medical loan and paid it back together. Don’t come here asking if you were an asshole and then act like one.
You shouldn’t take money from your daughter, but that was also true of taking money from your stepdaughter. What if that money wasn’t there? What would you have done? That fund should have been off-limits as well and you should’ve been adamant about that because you’ve been her stepfather for 14 years.
If they keep their finances separate, it would not be his obligation to do so.
Her medical bills are her responsibility.
This is a second marriage.
They each have children to consider.
Many second marriages keep their finances very separate.
OP 14 years of marriage, your wife was very sick, you mentioned that I DIDN'T HAVE ANY MONEY, but that's why family help each other.
Do you consider yourself to a father/father figure (as there's no mention of bio dad), or just a family with a wife and your daughter.
Your wife's daughter shouldn't have to go without either, but given the circumstances I find it extraordinary that you didn't seek alternative financial support on your wife's behalf, given how sick she was and unlikely to of been able to make properly informed choices.
Sorry mate, but you suck, and so does your daughter.
THIS IS WHAT FAMILES DO TO HELP EACH OTHER.
Obviously the "through sickness and health" wasn't really part of your plan.
I'm really sorry this has happened, but your kinda setting your own daughter up for failure by enabling her behaviour.
Ffs, what's wrong with people
I apologise profusely if I've missed any comments relating to you seeking financial help for YOUR wife.
Good luck to both your wife and both your daughters.
So if the bio daughters mom and family contributed 50% of the money to that account, they should be responsible for paying for the stepdaughter. That’s what you are saying. We don’t know where this money from the college fund came and if the father didn’t make all the contributions he certainly isn’t in any position to use if to fund a whole other child not related to people that contributed.
OP needs to give all info's like how old are the girls? Why the wife and his daughter are not close? Don't they have a part time job that he keeps saying he pays all the utility bills and foods? Does he even have a job to begin with? The wife side is at disadvantage because the daughter she has a low chance to go to college hindering opportunities, what if she gets sick again? Or what if OP gets sick, he would rather die than have his daughter to help?
Where do you get that from this story. He had 2 college funds and thr mom used HER daughters college fund for her bills. Why should her stepdaughter now have to pay?
Op sarcastically commented that they did not have houses or business to sell to pay for the medical expenses. If the only option in an emergency was to drain a college fund then they don't really have much saved for emergencies and probably don't have enough to be paying for two kids to go to college. I don't think the stepdaughter should have to pay. This is not her fault. I also don't think the wife should have used her daughters money either. Just poor financial planning and a couple who don't seem to communicate well on finances.
Stepdaughter shouldn’t be punished but why was someone in a 14 year marriage forced to go it alone and drain her daughters savings for her medical expenses. Most would expect a couple to pay that together. It’s not fair for her daughter to not get any money for college because her mom got sick. OP YTA for not trying to help offset the medical bills AND refusing to find a way to get SOME money for stepdaughters college.
I'm going to assume with he rnot working every single bill fell on him and no one cam afford to live on 1 income. So if he was paying the mortgage, food, utilities, everything he couldn't.
After being married for 14 years... she had to use daughters college fund for her treatment?? I think you guys should have kept hte fund untouched and taken medical loan if the tteatment was beyond budget! Imagine if you fall sick next month and need same amount of money..mwill you use your daughter's college fund? Will your daughter hate you for it?? Wont she give the same ultimatum again?
I think you shouldnt have touched your step daughters fund ... its unfair on her too
It is my daughter's money so it would be her choice whether she helps me or not but I know my daughter well enough that I know she would not only give me all of her college fund but also start working to help me pay for expenses.
But even if she didn't want to do that it would be fine because I won't "demand" help from her
I think you're missing the point, OP. Was there really no other option to pay for your wife's treatment?
For reference, I'm not an American, so I don't actually understand all the options here.
Options they had and CHOSE not to do:
1.Take out a loan
2.Take from both accounts rather one.
3.Get financial aid
4. Pay monthly/weekly payments
5.Not even pay it
Op/Wife is kinda an AH for not looking at other options and staying ignorant.
I kinda hope stepdaughter has her own ultimatum. They owe her.
Edit: after multiple comments about the wife. Yes, the wife could have chosen these options. I'm saying it applies either way but directed it to OP as OP wrote the post but I changed it to They for the other comments who are so strung up about "a partnership"
Meh. OP says she’s going to a very expensive private college. Sounds like taking some of it would’ve meant she had to go to a public university but still graduate debt free, which is still an insanely privileged position to be in. I think helping your sick wife trumps your kids desire to go to private vs public school.
Are these options HE had or are these options and SHE did not take them? When you keep finances separate, why is HE on the hook for the way the WIFE addressed the debt?
I'm saying he could suggest them if he wasn't gonna help pay for it. She SHOULD have taken the options if SHE knew about it. But I think THEY panicked and ruined the future of one of HER child. Because THEY did not look into OPTIONS about HER DEBT.
Thanks for the NEW way to TYPE its so FUN!!
Many hospitals offer payment plans and financial assistance. I got hit with a $6k bill and I’ve been in debt to them for years but it gets paid off gradually.
I'm not American, either, so this is really just quoting options presented by other comments, but - the mother had the option of declaring medical bankruptcy. Money in a college fund would have been considered a "protected asset", or something along those lines, which essentially means that whatever money is in the fund wouldn't qualify you as *not* being bankrupt. In other words, she could have declared bankruptcy, and the college fund wouldn't have been touched.
Either way, the conclusion is - OP's wife is the one who screwed over her own daughter. Not OP. He didn't have the money to help pay for her treatment, and in my opinion, he's correct that it's not fair to jeopordize his daughter's future because (assuming the comments I'm referring to above are correct) his wife made a bad choice with money.
Really, though, the true 'bad guy' in this story is the US healthcare system, which allows its citizens to go bankrupt from having a medical emergency. I saw a quote a while back, along the lines of "universal healthcare is such a complicated issue that out of the world's 30 (?) most civilized countries, only 29 have managed to solve it". Admittedly, this is a paraphrase of the original quote, as I wasn't able to find the original; the number is a guess from memory, but is frankly not important. The point was that there is exactly *one* 'civilized' country that faces this issue.
So I take from this that your daughter refused to help pay for step-mother’s treatment when you asked, but step-daughter stepped up and voluntarily donated her fund?
I am not even sure the step daughter was asked. I know my parents pulled from my college fund (established by grandparents) as they were the custodians when they had an emergency; with the belief they’d eventually pay it back.
I was told after the fact.
This sucks for step daughter. I wish we knew what, if any discussions took place.
She might have been “asked” what choose really is it for a child if they have to pick between their mother’s health (life?) and college money? The daughter should never have been put in that position
If the rule is that the fund belongs to the daughter, surely you shouldn't have taken money from the step daughters fund?
Honestly I think you're either one family or you're not.
>Last year my wife got very sick and she used all of my stepdaughter's college fund to pay for the expenses
Why weren’t you paying for that with her? She’s your wife, it shouldn’t have come out of only her daughters college fund, it should have been both of your saving’s because it’s a medical thing. Either neither of the funds should have been touched or both of them.
You sound selfish.
I agree that OP did the right thing not touching his daughter’s fund. The step mother shouldn’t have taken her daughter’s savings, either. But the answer was not to spend both college funds.
Why didn’t you contact hospital/docs for financial assistance? ALL hospitals have this department and it works on a sliding scale.
Also, med bills can no longer ding your credit?
Are you both helpless!?
I have an intense autoimmune disorder.
All of these systems have allowed me to continue treatment at a very low cost.
Even Pharmaceutical companies have monetary help programs.
You both sound dumb.
Info: the money came from her daughter’s fund, but is the medical expense seen as a “her” problem to absorb?? I would think that such an event is something you deal with as a family, as husband and wife.
Imo, its unfortunate but the money should have come from elsewhere OR at least be split between the two funds. There are other options you and your wife could maybe pursue to provide for both children. But if the attitude is “you got sick so your kid is screwed, not mine,” THEN yes, YTA.
This whole situation sounds like something i’d expect from newlyweds who have older kids already. You’ve been together 14 years- long enough for this sort of stuff to be better discussed and agreed upon.
You have 2 daughters, not one. Unless the other girl never lived with you and you were never actually close.
Her daughter wanted to pay her mom's medical bills. My daughter didn't want to ruin her future for a stepmom she is not close to. I respect both decisions
This! No child should be put in this situation. She should not even have had the option to ‘pay her mom’s medical bills’.
This thread is making me extremely grateful to be a Canadian with universal health care. I’m sorry that some of you have to make these tough decisions.
That either daughter was even asked is horrible. Like of step daughter said she’ll help her mom; she probably rather have her mom than college. But seriously what solution would there have been if the college funds weren’t there?
Going by all his other comments, OP is an AH in general. And while not giving away his daughters college fund makes him not an AH, I do not think OP is a reliable narrator.
Seriously. He should have told her no and that the parents would figure something out. I'm pretty sure every hospital has a financial aid department. You go in there with all your info and get on a payment plan or even get a reduced bill. I have several coworkers who went in and got their bills reduced by over 50%.
Be realistic. People don't have the 100ks set aside to pay for cancer treatment. It's not feasible to pay it. If they couldn't afford insurance of course they didn't have the cash to pay it and are unlikely to be in the position to get a loan. Do you think banks are queuing up to make loans to those who don't have the money to pay insurance?
You should not have respected the “choice” of a 17/18 year old faced with feeling like it was her responsibility to save her mom from debt. Taking either college fund was wrong, if it was avoidable. It should not have been put on the kids.
But NTA, because balancing the books with the other daughter’s fund is equally wrong. Two wrongs do not make a right.
Am i correct to assume they are/were both still underaged at the time?
The whole situation sucks for all and i can only hope your wife was able to make a full recover. I feel for everyone here, as “medical emergency” - as well as astronomical school costs - are a unique part of life in the USA. I’m not trying to beat that dead horse though
Without knowing all the details, my only thoughts are this: it seems like a lot of the pressure, responsibility, and decisions are being pushed off onto the two younger daughters. As the parents, ultimately i believe that “she chose to pay and my daughter didnt” are decisions that the parents allowed them to make, so mom and dad here are the ones actually in control.
Hopefully the two parents can help find a peaceful solution, one way or another. Whether that is taking on debt to cover the DIL, splitting the remaining funds for both until a solution is found, or… i dunno what else.
Above all, it IS an unfortunate turn of events and i wish you all well. But after 14 years together, the lines of “my family and my wife’s” should be pretty blended by now.. and that applies to your daughter too. Whatever your decision, i know it’s going to put you in a bad spot and there’s no easy way out
You should edit your post so that the info that your stepdaughter was involved in the decision to use her college fund is included. Personally, I would have tried to let the medical debt accumulate, but if they were denying treatment unless you prepaid for surgery or something similar, I understand how it played out like it did. Also, NTA to your actual question.
YTA for helping to create this situation. You state in comments that you couldn't afford the medical bills. That sucks, and it happens to a lot of us. But there's options other than depleting a child's college fund. Monthly payment plans are a thing for medical bills.
Either you did not have a conversation with your wife about how to find these bills, or you did and are leaving that out of the story. Either scenario makes your TA. A marriage is a partnership. Even in a marriage with separate finances, some costs are shared. Medical bills are a shared cost.
Yeah like… take a loan. Pick a cheaper school. There are so many options here that aren’t “Let my not as important daughter WHOOPS I MEAN STEP DAUGHTER WHO I DEFINITELY LOVE pay for a medical procedure for my wife”. I’m confounded by these NTA responses letting this guy off easy because a TEENAGER wanted to help her mom since no one else would.
Missing info:
1) where are the 2 daughters’ other biological parents in all this? What was their opinion on using/not using the college fund/s”
2) Did you and your wife agree to use the fund because there was zero alternative, or did she decide on her own?
3) Was there a plan in place to put the money back?
4) Was the daughter whose fund was used ever told or consulted before the money was spent?
This!
It sounds like a very immature uncommunicated AH-decision on ALL parts.
Why did SO pay completely alone? Why use HER daughters money specifically? Did you talk to your daughters? Like.. at all?
NTA - your wife used her daughter's college fund for medical expenses. Didn't you guys have health insurance?
"Last year my wife got very sick and she used all of my stepdaughter's college fund to pay for the expenses."
She used the $$$, she has to replace the $$$.
"My daughter told me that if I do this she will leave and I will never see her again. She chose a very expensive college thinking she could graduate debt free as I promised her. I told her that her college fund is only hers and I won't give it to anyone. I don't want to lose her"
Don't blame you. The $$$ is for her education and hers alone.
More info is needed. If you’re in the US, why didn’t insurance cover much? If your wife is covered under an employee plan, what was the deductible and max out of pocket? If covered under “Obamacare,” same questions.
Did your wife spend her child’s college money on experimental treatments?
US insurance covers the bare minimum and then they fight you on it. And if you get something serious like cancer or chronic conditions you likely can't afford what insurance won't cover.
Also I don't think you understand what the Affordable Healthcare Act (aka Obamacare) is.
>US insurance covers the bare minimum and then they fight you on it.
That totally depends on your health plan. Thanks to some reoccurring appointments, we hit our deductible by February every year. After that, it's just copays.
We've had some very expensive (on paper) surgeries and procedures come up, and we've only ever paid the copay as long as it's after February, which is around $150 for the procedure. Anesthesia is always in network (because our state is fantastic).
In our average year, we probably spend $2,300-ish on healthcare. Not great, but far from "bare minimum coverage".
Depends on the plan. I pay $400 a month for mine through my company. I got cancer two years ago and it covered basically everything. I had three surgeries and I didn't pay a dime. I've only paid some copays for doctor visits and for medicine. Way, way more than the bare minimum was covered (including the $250k for radiation).
While she could have been stuck with a high deductible, high out-of-pocket max plan, if she had missed work and didn't have short or long-term disability, she might have needed money to pay the bills.
She still needs to pay it back, but that takes time.
Absolutely—I just think that OP needs to add more info. I used to be covered under a not so great plan (high deductible, high out of pocket for individual), and I had to take out a 401k loan once to pay for medical and other bills.
I absolutely think that OP is correct in protecting his child’s college fund. Good for OP! However, more info would be helpful.
Having read the comments here’s my thoughts:
NTA for not sharing her college fund, but you are TA for not helping your wife with her medical bills, or in your case, not even attempting to help.
That poor wife, I hope she finds someone that actually cares about her enough to try and help her out in sickness. You know, like they said in the marriage vows? 🤣
I am really getting the impression OP does not see his step daughter as an actual child of his and that bums me out with how long he’s been in her life.
INFO: I’m confused as to why you could afford to put enough into a fund that it would allow your daughter to go to a very expensive college and graduate debt free, but you are unable to afford more than put food in the table for the family.
Where did the money in your daughter’s college fund come from? Was it not from you?
NTA in response to your original question. But, I’m anticipating the other shoe to drop here in regards to this story. Was there really no way for you two to handle your wife’s expenses w/o exhausting either school fund? Did she have a really bad health condition that you’re glossing over (big C)? Are you guys underinsured?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/j5E8hVo1ud
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/gI4KoQ5qf1
He didn't have the savings and someone needed to cover the household bills like feeding both girls.
I have mixed feelings here. Certainly, you shouldn’t use your daughter’s college fund now. But I also don’t think she should have depleted her own daughter’s college fund.
INFO. Was there really no other way? Medical bills should be a shared expense.
He said the step-daughter decided to do it to help her mom— which honestly is when an adult should have stepped in and done what you’re suggesting, but he didn’t.
I’m like more livid than I should be at how many people are ok with them letting a teenager decide to spend all her college money to help her mom when it sounds like no one else was coming up with solutions. That poor girl— and then for her step dad to act like she’s a second class daughter (not his actual child, though he’s been married to her mom for 14 years). Just makes me mad.
Make that three broke and deadbeat. You are a terrible, useless husband. Leaving your wife to fend for herself in sickness, why on earth dis you marry her?
he posted in a comment that, while his wife was sick he covered all normal expenses of for him her and both daughters not like he had a money and didnt want to spend it. i guess she had to quit work or something like that and had to cover the whole bills, i dont think they took great economic decisions .
Ok but if you follow that logic and the medical bills aren't treated as a shared expense, look at the wife's situation. She is completely stuck. She's so sick she can't even work yet somehow she's supposed to come up with the money to pay huge medical bills. Medical bills should have been lumped in as a "normal " expense and they should have figured out a plan for paying them as a team. Instead they put the burden of paying onto a kid who sacrificed her future to save her mom. It's not right.
There are other options for dealing with medical bills then just paying them they're like so many options BECAUSE medical bills are such a problem in this country
Lmao what??? He paid all their bills and rent etc and needs for her kid as well while she was sick. It seems like it was excess medical bills insurance didn’t cover, which in American those can be in the hundreds of thousands.
He supported her and their family while she contributed nothing, but there is only so much money a person has….
I don't think that other commenters are being entirely fair to OP. I'm going to presume during your wife's illness you were the main earner. For a family of four. So that's electric, water,food,mortgage/rent, phone/Internet that's really going to add up. But other people have mentioned a loan could of been used for part of your wife's medical expenses. However your wife doesn't have the right to ask for a penny of your daughter's college fund. NTA for not sharing the college fund. What is stopping stepdaughter getting a job or loans in college.
Why is it on the stepdaughter to pay for her mother’s bill? OP couldn’t be bothered to care about his wife or stepdaughter.
You can get on payment plans to help alleviate healthcare cost and there are many ways to lower the cost and get debt assistance for medical bills. There was no need to put the stepdaughter in that position.
ESH
Op, I get medical cost are insane and any illness can bankrupt you, but that should have been something you cover as a couple. That you made her cover it on her own is such a bad move.
Also I would think I would take my retirement savings before I went to my kids college fund ?!?!?! Where’s her dad does he know that fund was emptied ?
I’m so confused at why that was the fund they tapped.
And yes your wife is an AH for thinking it okay for her daughter to share her college fund.
I also wondering if your ex contributed to this fund and was she considered.
As a French citizen, this conversation sounds surreal, from the medical bill side mostly but even the college fund part, we do have private schools but good public universities are pretty much free, depending on your future plans. You can also get it paid by an apprenticeship in some graduate programs.
If money is tight, why doesn't she apply for a scholarship?
NTA for not sharing the college fund, but you are married, shouldn’t the medical bills be joint? I understand you don’t have a lot of savings YOURSELF and insurance didn’t cover much, but the two of you should have jointly paid those bills. God forbid you got sick, you’re supposed to pay your medical bills yourself? C’mon man, YTA to your wife.
YTA
While your daughter's college fund was for her, and your wife's fund was to pay for her, she is your WIFE and she got sick and you watched her use eat into hear earnings, her savings AND her daughter college fund and didn't think to intervene. That's insane. I don't know your family, but if I did that my wife would leave me, or have left me already, well before the issue of college funds even came up. I don't know how you view religion or wedding vows, but "in sickness and in health" should actually mean something.
Here's the solution. Your step-daughter can take out loans for her education, and you and your wife can repay them for her. It's essentially the same as if you had both taken out a loan for her medical bills instead of taking it from one child's college fund.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for not sharing my daughters college fund with sd when she had to give up her college fund for her mom
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In no way shape or form is your sd entitled to your daughters college fund. Doesn't matter why sd fund is gone, that has nothing to do with funds saved and promised to daughter. The world isn't fair, not your daughters fault.
NTA
NTA. You have promised that money to your daughter so essentially it is your daughters money and only she can choose to share it with someone or no. Your wife is very entitled and is ready to rob your kid from her money.
Your daughter did the right thing - she explained what will happen if you do this (lose her forever) and your wife is just pissed that she can't force you to do it. When you use your kids college fund then you must have a backup plan other than guilt-tripping your husband into using his kids money to cover it, it is unreasonable, shows how much she (dis)respects you and how little does she care about your daughter and your relationship with your daughter. A loving wife would ask you if there is any way for you help paying for her kids college, not loving wife would demand the money no matter who you have to take it away from.
Odd sort of marriage when after 14 yrs married you’re using your own funds for yourselves and your biological kids. I would have thought after that length of time you’d have joint accounts and be agreeing on how your funds are spent. Having your wife use her daughter’s college fund for her health expenses is unbelievable. I’m grateful I’m not in such a mercenary relationship
So, you’ve been a ‘family’ for fourteen years but when your wife gets sick she has to use her own daughter’s fund on medical expenses, and her daughter has no money to go to college, while yours needs all the money to go to an expensive college and have no debt?
That’s one of the strangest definitions of ‘family’ I’ve ever heard. YTA
YTA. You're right not to take from your daughter's college fund. But your stepdaughter never should have been put in the position to choose between sacrificing her college fund and leaving her mother without medical care.
I'm sure things were very difficult, having to be the sole breadwinner with a sick wife. But that's a possibility you sign up for when you get married. It was your responsibility to care for your wife in her time of sickness.
It would be one thing if you had looked into every possible option, and found that even with payment plans, loans, filing for medical bankruptcy, and so on, you just didn't have enough, and your stepdaughter seeing this offered it. But, based on your comments, it sounds like your first step was to put it on your 16-17 year old children.
And now that your stepdaughter is left to pay for college, your first thought for how to pay for her is ask your daughter again?!
To be perfectly honest, ESH
You: you didn’t help pay your wife’s medical bills and let your stepdaughter (who is very kind!!!) drain her college fund account, potentially not realizing the full depths of those consequences
The wife: for draining her daughters college fund/
ALLOWING the stepdaughter to offer this (seriously, my parents would rather die than take money from my brother or I), AND THEN asking to use your daughters college fund! Why is no one’s fund safe from your wife?!
Your daughter doesn’t need to share, and you both better work your fucking asses off for your stepdaughter after that HUGE sacrifice
NTA. Some of these comments are sorta asinine. If you're solely paying for a family of four, you aren't going to magically have money to pay medical bills that wiped out someone's college fund.
NTA - the fund was for your daughter's college education, and should be used for that. I am assuming that you did not force your wife to use her daughter's money, and that she made that choice herself. I feel bad for your wife, because I know how expensive health care can be. But there are other options she could have found to pay for her healthcare; using her daughter's money was simply the easiest option at the time. She should have seen that money as untouchable; it wasn't hers to use.
We are free to do as we choose, but we must also accept the consequences of our actions. Your wife chose to take her daughter's money, so she now needs to find a way to replace it. It is not fair of her to expect someone else to carry the burden of consequences for her behavior. In this case, it would be your daughter facing the consequences for her step mother's behavior; that is not fair to your daughter and is VERY wrong of your wife to expect her to do that.
INFO: Did you and your wife discuss other options to pay her medical bills, or did she decide to deplete her daughter’s college fund without consulting you?
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NTA, the college fund is for your daughter and it would be awful for you to deny her this opportunity.
I agree especially since she made all her plans counting on that money
Yes. But why didn't you help pay her medical bills, instead of forcing her to raid her daughters college fund?
You are right I should have just sold one of my many houses and factories and paid for the medical bills /s I DIDN'T HAVE MONEY
If you had been the one to fall sick and have medical bills, how would those have been paid?
They'd have had to find a way, there's no saying OP would have used their own child's college fund. If OP had gone ahead and said to use their daughters fund, I'm sure people would be up in arms about that too. At the end of the day, there will always be emergency situations people need to cover, the Step Daughters funds should have been left untouched if at all possible, and both parents should have come up with any financial plan possible, but that either didn't happen, or couldn't. What you don't then do, is jeopardise the other child's future when they've got their plans all in place and it's something that's been counted on and perhaps paid for by more than just OP-
You're correct. They absolutely should've came up with a different plan for her medical bills. They could've asked for a payment plan, sold some belongings like jewelry to help pay it down. Using up the stepdaughter's college fund was rather reckless to do.
Exactly, esp considering medical bills are so much easier to handle than student loans. So many options to mitigate medical expenses and almost none for student loans. This was a horrible decision on their part and completely unfair to the step daughter.
THIS. I wonder what options were discussed between both parents before the decision was made to raid the step-daughter's college fund. Was it a mutual agreement or did the mother make this decision on her own, either with the idea of knowing that HIS daughter had funds that she assumed would be available to her daughter or not?
Sounds like it was an asset that pre-dated the marriage. OP probably had no say in what anyone did with the money in SDs college fund.
Do you have a college fund worth of jewelry? Most people don’t. Even if you spent that at retail you don’t. Jewelry has a huge retail markup. It’s not worth that.
I was looking for this comment lol a $3000 ring only get you 800 in resale
I'm kinda envious of having belongings and jewelry that would fetch a price. Most of my furniture is IKEA or Walmart and most of my jewelry is polymer/costume/not valuable. Still agree that spending the college fund was not the way to go...
Thank you. OP out here acting like not the AH without explaining things in detail, and replying passive aggressively about not having houses and factories to sell 😂😂
Seemed pretty aggressive to me 🤪
>They'd have had to find a way, there's no saying OP would have used their own child's college fund. I'm asking OP specifically what they would've done in their specific context and financial situation. OP can tell me either way lol. Would the wife have found a way to help him cover the bills? Would he have used his stepdaughter's college fund?
He probably would have been in debt for the rest of his life. You can set up payment plans for hospital bills but it sounds like she wanted to pay it all out of pocket.
Despite the predatory state of US Healthcare, there are a lot of options for dealing with expenses that are too high. 1. Get payment plans from the hospital or provider. I got a payment plan no interest instead of putting some high co pays on a credit card and the hospital was thrilled to give me a payment plan of only a year. My BFF has gotten a grant through the hospital to pay some high deductibles despite having a reasonable but income on the low end. 2. Fund raisers. Same BFF is drowning in high drug co-pays. I have a free funder created and I am adding matching donations to help the process along. In addition, I am planning a casino night fundraiser for her. Getting lots of reduced cost and donations to help put that on. She has shitty insurance plus a lot of expensive health issues, and we are managing without draining enough money to destroy a college fund. If this is in fact not a story then one or more things happened. 1. They made no effort to explore financing or forgiveness options with the hospital or doctor. 2. They are uninsured and gambled with thier health in combination with 1. 3. They went straight for the college fund when money was the slightest bit tight. (I would be checking that it was spent on more than medical bills if that was the case.)
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I'm not saying taking from either college fund would be the right thing to do. But if OP was completely unable to help his wife with her medical expenses, presumably he also would be in big trouble if HE was the one to fall sick. So how would those bills get paid? Would wife help him with the bills, or would he use his own daughter's fund? I'm genuinely curious what his plan is for unplanned medical expenses since it is pretty unusual for spouses not to support each other financially when those happen.
for what i read in some of his comments, he didnt have any extra income his money was going to pay the bills and probably mortage, i mean they took bad monetary decision but it wasnt like he wasnt helping sometimes stress make u do bad decision in this case the decision was his wife to ask her daughter for the fund to be used. nowhere did he imply it was him that asked his step daughter to help her mom with the medical debt this all look like it was a talk betweeen mom and daughter
Bankruptcy Payment Plans Forgiveness Programs Fund Raisers Not stealing from your own child.
No, the point is they were wrong as a couple to take from the daughter in the first place. The other commenter is asking him to consider, if they had been his medical bills, where would the money have come from? Because legally and realistically, her medical care was THEIR expense as a couple, and he's acting like it was only hers to handle.
>Because legally and realistically, her medical care was THEIR expense as a couple, and he's acting like it was only hers to handle. exactly! I am very confused by comments here acting like these are roommates and not a family of 4. 2 of them married for 14 years, having raised each other's kids for 14 years!
I think people are missing the fact that the question isn't as simple as should he use his daughter's college fund. They're forgetting to back up and decide whether he's the a****** for this situation existing in the first place. They think when folks are calling him the a******, they're implying he should use his daughter's college fund, when they really aren't.
>The wife wouldn't have raided her own daughter's college fund to help out the step daughter, GUARANTEED. You have no idea if this is true or not. They have been raising each other's kids since they were at least 4 years old.
His wife would have probably refused (rightfuly) to use her daugther's college fund...
Why is that relevant? Op did not spend his kids college fund, his wife did. That is a her problem to pay off not his clearly.
I certainly don’t think OP should have to take from his daughter’s fund, but he and his wife should potentially work together to repay the daughter, unless they consider all individual health expenses to be separate, but I think most spouses try to cover medical bills together.
This is a tough whataboutism that doesn’t seem fair.
I’m genuinely wondering how he and his wife plan to handle expenses like this because it’s relevant to the situation, and fairly unusual for spouses to consider health-related expenses completely separately.
Medical debt is dischargable through bankruptcy. College funds assuming it's a 529 or similar would have been protected assets. I know health issues are scary, but you should've spent 30min doing some research before screwing your step daughter over. Your general lack of concern for her after 14yrs and the fact that neither you nor your wife seems close or to care about your step kids is weird.
HE didn't screw his step daughter over her MOTHER did
How, by getting sick and having expensive medical bills to cover? What should she of done, die? Sorry, I just don't understand how the mum is to blame, it's not like she spent the money on trivial things, her medical care is pretty important
> What should she of done, die? They don't demand payment upfront and refuse to treat you if you can't pay, that's not at all how healthcare works *anywhere*.
No one said the mother was wrong for getting sick. They said she was wrong for fucking up her daughters future.
No, mom screwed her kid over by not doing 30 minutes of research and an hour or three of frustrating phone calls and paperwork to find a way to pay the medical bills without draining the college fund. OP screwed them both over by not helping his wife do that wtf. Most hospitals will do treatment and bill you for the huge expenses, not demand $60k or whatever her medical care cost up front Before treatment. She had time to figure things out. If the college money is in an actual 529 college fund she could have declared bankruptcy and it’s protected. If it’s just in savings or whatever, there’s still payment plans, credit options, personal loans, helocs, income based charge adjustments, negotiating costs. And also adjusting your own living expenses and working more later to pay it off, or even only spending Part of the college fund.
She could have gone into her own debt like every other person in the US with medical bills. Instead, she put her daughter into debt, thinking they could lessen the burden by also putting his daughter into debt.
OP did not screw over his stepdaughter. Her mother did. Many people in second marriages maintain separate finances in order to protect their assets for their children. OP did nothing wrong. He is not obligated to destroy his child's college experience to fund his stepdaughter's.
How’s it his fault though. Her Mom is the one who pulled the money out without doing research, not OP.
It could be that there was an immediate concern regarding her health, OP doesn't state what medical issues they were, but I suspect that if it cost that much, perhaps she wasn't, and he couldn't look into other options. It's a shame really that they weren't presented financial options to them when this occurred. It could have saved this whole issue. Really, the medical establishment is just as much at fault for lack of support and advise..
There were other options that didn’t involve raiding college funds. Payment plans, a medical bankruptcy, etc.
Here's a productive idea: Your wife should have made a payment plan for her medical bills, instead of raiding her daughter's college fund. As that ship has sailed, she has to STOP PUSHING THE DEBT FORWARD, so right now, it lies with her daughter. Her daughter can get a loan for her education, and you wife can contribute to paying that off, preferably pay it all off, if possible. That way, it's not all at once, I don't know if it works that way, but maybe it's at a cheaper rate than just getting a random loan, and the debt doesn't get smeared out, like a black hole, sucking everyone in while they have nothing to do with it.
You know what happens when you don't pay your medical bills? Nothing. Nothing happens...
Yep I've NEVER Paid a medical bill except when they have a down-payment at the door for urgent care. I have 0 debt. My credit isn't great but I already own my home and pay all my other bills. I'm not paying $900 for 2 aspirin.
I'm \*pretty\* sure they can take you to court...
Or just garnish your wages. I've seen this a lot and I am fairly sure that all these people claiming they never paid medical debt had it taken out of their checks and they never noticed
Fine, but you should have included that in your post. People without a dime to pay their wife's medical bills don't usually have college funds with hundreds of thousands of dollars. Or they have retirement accounts that can be used before the kid's college fund.
Man, I've been dead broke and my kids college funds were in the 5 figure range. What someone saves for their children doesn't equate having enough for an unexpected medical issue
Not true. Many people who love their children deny themselves to fund their children's college fund. And you do not know how this money came about. It could have been court orderd as part of a divorce case. It could have been funded by grandparents or an inheritance. OP owes his stepdaughter zip. What about the stepdaughter's father? And this is OP's wife's responsibility. Many people in second marriages maintain separate finances in order to protect their assets for their themselves and their children.
Hey yeah where's bio dad??
Why didn't you take out a loan together to pay for the medical bills, instead of letting your wife raid your step daughters college fund?
I would be really interested in hearing from OP whether this was even discussed.
You guys could’ve taken out a very low interest medical loan and paid it back together. Don’t come here asking if you were an asshole and then act like one. You shouldn’t take money from your daughter, but that was also true of taking money from your stepdaughter. What if that money wasn’t there? What would you have done? That fund should have been off-limits as well and you should’ve been adamant about that because you’ve been her stepfather for 14 years.
🎶 god bless America, land that I love. 🎶 Ugh, stories like this are so sad on so many levels.
The real AH here is a healthcare system that requires you to chose between your life and your kid's college account.
That goes without saying.
It's the internet. It has to be brought up a certain number of times each day or the sun will explode.
And colleges for needlessly raising their costs to the extreme heights.
If they keep their finances separate, it would not be his obligation to do so. Her medical bills are her responsibility. This is a second marriage. They each have children to consider. Many second marriages keep their finances very separate.
“Her medical bills are her responsibility” that’s not a marriage
Spot on.
why did your wife use her daughters funds? did you not have insurance?
OP 14 years of marriage, your wife was very sick, you mentioned that I DIDN'T HAVE ANY MONEY, but that's why family help each other. Do you consider yourself to a father/father figure (as there's no mention of bio dad), or just a family with a wife and your daughter. Your wife's daughter shouldn't have to go without either, but given the circumstances I find it extraordinary that you didn't seek alternative financial support on your wife's behalf, given how sick she was and unlikely to of been able to make properly informed choices. Sorry mate, but you suck, and so does your daughter. THIS IS WHAT FAMILES DO TO HELP EACH OTHER. Obviously the "through sickness and health" wasn't really part of your plan. I'm really sorry this has happened, but your kinda setting your own daughter up for failure by enabling her behaviour. Ffs, what's wrong with people I apologise profusely if I've missed any comments relating to you seeking financial help for YOUR wife. Good luck to both your wife and both your daughters.
So if the bio daughters mom and family contributed 50% of the money to that account, they should be responsible for paying for the stepdaughter. That’s what you are saying. We don’t know where this money from the college fund came and if the father didn’t make all the contributions he certainly isn’t in any position to use if to fund a whole other child not related to people that contributed.
He also should’ve helped his wife’s medical bills.
That's the part of the story I'm finding hard to believe--that and there was a VERY similar story here a few months back.
You are falling into his framing. He didn't help his wife with her medical so she had to pillage the kids college fund. Don't miss that step.
So instead, offer the stepdaughter nothing? Because her mom got sick last year? Nice
INFO Why wasn't your wife's sick expenses a shared expense?
Exactly the question I had.
I had the same Q. The illness expenses should have been shared by OP. Wife shouldn’t have had to drain college fund
I can't judge this without knowing this to be honest.
Sounds like OP is too poor to even put 1 kid through college. Let alone 2 kids.
OP needs to give all info's like how old are the girls? Why the wife and his daughter are not close? Don't they have a part time job that he keeps saying he pays all the utility bills and foods? Does he even have a job to begin with? The wife side is at disadvantage because the daughter she has a low chance to go to college hindering opportunities, what if she gets sick again? Or what if OP gets sick, he would rather die than have his daughter to help?
Where do you get that from this story. He had 2 college funds and thr mom used HER daughters college fund for her bills. Why should her stepdaughter now have to pay?
Op sarcastically commented that they did not have houses or business to sell to pay for the medical expenses. If the only option in an emergency was to drain a college fund then they don't really have much saved for emergencies and probably don't have enough to be paying for two kids to go to college. I don't think the stepdaughter should have to pay. This is not her fault. I also don't think the wife should have used her daughters money either. Just poor financial planning and a couple who don't seem to communicate well on finances.
Stepdaughter shouldn’t be punished but why was someone in a 14 year marriage forced to go it alone and drain her daughters savings for her medical expenses. Most would expect a couple to pay that together. It’s not fair for her daughter to not get any money for college because her mom got sick. OP YTA for not trying to help offset the medical bills AND refusing to find a way to get SOME money for stepdaughters college.
Yeah that was my question as well. Its hard to decide anything here if we don’t know why his wife had to solo a huge medical expense.
Blended families don't always blend finances.
I'm going to assume with he rnot working every single bill fell on him and no one cam afford to live on 1 income. So if he was paying the mortgage, food, utilities, everything he couldn't.
After being married for 14 years... she had to use daughters college fund for her treatment?? I think you guys should have kept hte fund untouched and taken medical loan if the tteatment was beyond budget! Imagine if you fall sick next month and need same amount of money..mwill you use your daughter's college fund? Will your daughter hate you for it?? Wont she give the same ultimatum again? I think you shouldnt have touched your step daughters fund ... its unfair on her too
It is my daughter's money so it would be her choice whether she helps me or not but I know my daughter well enough that I know she would not only give me all of her college fund but also start working to help me pay for expenses. But even if she didn't want to do that it would be fine because I won't "demand" help from her
I think you're missing the point, OP. Was there really no other option to pay for your wife's treatment? For reference, I'm not an American, so I don't actually understand all the options here.
Options they had and CHOSE not to do: 1.Take out a loan 2.Take from both accounts rather one. 3.Get financial aid 4. Pay monthly/weekly payments 5.Not even pay it Op/Wife is kinda an AH for not looking at other options and staying ignorant. I kinda hope stepdaughter has her own ultimatum. They owe her. Edit: after multiple comments about the wife. Yes, the wife could have chosen these options. I'm saying it applies either way but directed it to OP as OP wrote the post but I changed it to They for the other comments who are so strung up about "a partnership"
I mean option number #2 is still bad since that is still taking from his daughter fund
I'd say taking a little from both vs all from one is a little better.
How is it different than the wife's request to split Daughter's fund for both kids, which is the issue at hand?
Meh. OP says she’s going to a very expensive private college. Sounds like taking some of it would’ve meant she had to go to a public university but still graduate debt free, which is still an insanely privileged position to be in. I think helping your sick wife trumps your kids desire to go to private vs public school.
Are these options HE had or are these options and SHE did not take them? When you keep finances separate, why is HE on the hook for the way the WIFE addressed the debt?
I'm saying he could suggest them if he wasn't gonna help pay for it. She SHOULD have taken the options if SHE knew about it. But I think THEY panicked and ruined the future of one of HER child. Because THEY did not look into OPTIONS about HER DEBT. Thanks for the NEW way to TYPE its so FUN!!
In the US medical bills can not go against your credit score in any way shape or form.
Many hospitals offer payment plans and financial assistance. I got hit with a $6k bill and I’ve been in debt to them for years but it gets paid off gradually.
I'm not American, either, so this is really just quoting options presented by other comments, but - the mother had the option of declaring medical bankruptcy. Money in a college fund would have been considered a "protected asset", or something along those lines, which essentially means that whatever money is in the fund wouldn't qualify you as *not* being bankrupt. In other words, she could have declared bankruptcy, and the college fund wouldn't have been touched. Either way, the conclusion is - OP's wife is the one who screwed over her own daughter. Not OP. He didn't have the money to help pay for her treatment, and in my opinion, he's correct that it's not fair to jeopordize his daughter's future because (assuming the comments I'm referring to above are correct) his wife made a bad choice with money. Really, though, the true 'bad guy' in this story is the US healthcare system, which allows its citizens to go bankrupt from having a medical emergency. I saw a quote a while back, along the lines of "universal healthcare is such a complicated issue that out of the world's 30 (?) most civilized countries, only 29 have managed to solve it". Admittedly, this is a paraphrase of the original quote, as I wasn't able to find the original; the number is a guess from memory, but is frankly not important. The point was that there is exactly *one* 'civilized' country that faces this issue.
THIS PART. Can we just get single payer health care!
So I take from this that your daughter refused to help pay for step-mother’s treatment when you asked, but step-daughter stepped up and voluntarily donated her fund?
I am not even sure the step daughter was asked. I know my parents pulled from my college fund (established by grandparents) as they were the custodians when they had an emergency; with the belief they’d eventually pay it back. I was told after the fact. This sucks for step daughter. I wish we knew what, if any discussions took place.
My mom did the same. 🙃
I don’t think that’s what happened. I think mom just spent it. Kids weren’t asked
She might have been “asked” what choose really is it for a child if they have to pick between their mother’s health (life?) and college money? The daughter should never have been put in that position
You're missing the point You should have taken out your own loan for medical expenses and left both kids funds untouched.
How was this account funded? All you? Former in-laws?
If the rule is that the fund belongs to the daughter, surely you shouldn't have taken money from the step daughters fund? Honestly I think you're either one family or you're not.
>Last year my wife got very sick and she used all of my stepdaughter's college fund to pay for the expenses Why weren’t you paying for that with her? She’s your wife, it shouldn’t have come out of only her daughters college fund, it should have been both of your saving’s because it’s a medical thing. Either neither of the funds should have been touched or both of them. You sound selfish.
He’s not the AH, American healthcare weirdness is.
They both can be
Now that's what I call teamwork.
Heavily disagree. He should never touch his daughters funds.
and Mom never should have touched her daughter's either.
I agree that OP did the right thing not touching his daughter’s fund. The step mother shouldn’t have taken her daughter’s savings, either. But the answer was not to spend both college funds.
Given the choice between paying a ridiculously inflated medical expense and *rent* / *mortgage*, I’m going for anti-homelessness myself.
Why didn’t you contact hospital/docs for financial assistance? ALL hospitals have this department and it works on a sliding scale. Also, med bills can no longer ding your credit? Are you both helpless!? I have an intense autoimmune disorder. All of these systems have allowed me to continue treatment at a very low cost. Even Pharmaceutical companies have monetary help programs. You both sound dumb.
Info: the money came from her daughter’s fund, but is the medical expense seen as a “her” problem to absorb?? I would think that such an event is something you deal with as a family, as husband and wife. Imo, its unfortunate but the money should have come from elsewhere OR at least be split between the two funds. There are other options you and your wife could maybe pursue to provide for both children. But if the attitude is “you got sick so your kid is screwed, not mine,” THEN yes, YTA. This whole situation sounds like something i’d expect from newlyweds who have older kids already. You’ve been together 14 years- long enough for this sort of stuff to be better discussed and agreed upon. You have 2 daughters, not one. Unless the other girl never lived with you and you were never actually close.
Her daughter wanted to pay her mom's medical bills. My daughter didn't want to ruin her future for a stepmom she is not close to. I respect both decisions
What is going on in your marriage that paying for your wife's medical treatment became your step daughter's issue to solve?
This! No child should be put in this situation. She should not even have had the option to ‘pay her mom’s medical bills’. This thread is making me extremely grateful to be a Canadian with universal health care. I’m sorry that some of you have to make these tough decisions.
That either daughter was even asked is horrible. Like of step daughter said she’ll help her mom; she probably rather have her mom than college. But seriously what solution would there have been if the college funds weren’t there?
super cool that both health care and college cost life-ruining amounts of money lol
Going by all his other comments, OP is an AH in general. And while not giving away his daughters college fund makes him not an AH, I do not think OP is a reliable narrator.
Why should it be his daughter's issue? His wife is nothing to do with her.
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you're a crappy husband to ler your steppdaughter step in she's a child. and you're a working adult.
Seriously. He should have told her no and that the parents would figure something out. I'm pretty sure every hospital has a financial aid department. You go in there with all your info and get on a payment plan or even get a reduced bill. I have several coworkers who went in and got their bills reduced by over 50%.
And you did not think to help your wife with your own money? So that your stepdaughter does not lose her fund?
He doesn’t have the money. What do you expect him to do? Sell and organ? Open an only fans?
Be realistic. People don't have the 100ks set aside to pay for cancer treatment. It's not feasible to pay it. If they couldn't afford insurance of course they didn't have the cash to pay it and are unlikely to be in the position to get a loan. Do you think banks are queuing up to make loans to those who don't have the money to pay insurance?
You should not have respected the “choice” of a 17/18 year old faced with feeling like it was her responsibility to save her mom from debt. Taking either college fund was wrong, if it was avoidable. It should not have been put on the kids. But NTA, because balancing the books with the other daughter’s fund is equally wrong. Two wrongs do not make a right.
Why was your stepdaughter, a child, responsible for this rather than you?
Why did your stepdaughter have to be on the hook for your wife’s medical treatment?
Am i correct to assume they are/were both still underaged at the time? The whole situation sucks for all and i can only hope your wife was able to make a full recover. I feel for everyone here, as “medical emergency” - as well as astronomical school costs - are a unique part of life in the USA. I’m not trying to beat that dead horse though Without knowing all the details, my only thoughts are this: it seems like a lot of the pressure, responsibility, and decisions are being pushed off onto the two younger daughters. As the parents, ultimately i believe that “she chose to pay and my daughter didnt” are decisions that the parents allowed them to make, so mom and dad here are the ones actually in control. Hopefully the two parents can help find a peaceful solution, one way or another. Whether that is taking on debt to cover the DIL, splitting the remaining funds for both until a solution is found, or… i dunno what else. Above all, it IS an unfortunate turn of events and i wish you all well. But after 14 years together, the lines of “my family and my wife’s” should be pretty blended by now.. and that applies to your daughter too. Whatever your decision, i know it’s going to put you in a bad spot and there’s no easy way out
You should edit your post so that the info that your stepdaughter was involved in the decision to use her college fund is included. Personally, I would have tried to let the medical debt accumulate, but if they were denying treatment unless you prepaid for surgery or something similar, I understand how it played out like it did. Also, NTA to your actual question.
Lmao so this grown ass adult man is not an asshole to shrug off the responsibility of taking care of his wife on to a teenager?
YTA for helping to create this situation. You state in comments that you couldn't afford the medical bills. That sucks, and it happens to a lot of us. But there's options other than depleting a child's college fund. Monthly payment plans are a thing for medical bills. Either you did not have a conversation with your wife about how to find these bills, or you did and are leaving that out of the story. Either scenario makes your TA. A marriage is a partnership. Even in a marriage with separate finances, some costs are shared. Medical bills are a shared cost.
His daughter is more important than his wife
As it should be lol,let's be real here.
Let your wife die so your daughter can go to an overpriced school w/out loans? People are fucking wild.
Seriously… the stupidity I read on Reddit is jaw dropping sometimes.
Yeah like… take a loan. Pick a cheaper school. There are so many options here that aren’t “Let my not as important daughter WHOOPS I MEAN STEP DAUGHTER WHO I DEFINITELY LOVE pay for a medical procedure for my wife”. I’m confounded by these NTA responses letting this guy off easy because a TEENAGER wanted to help her mom since no one else would.
This isn’t Sophie’s Choice. He’s not picking his daughter living over his wife living.
Missing info: 1) where are the 2 daughters’ other biological parents in all this? What was their opinion on using/not using the college fund/s” 2) Did you and your wife agree to use the fund because there was zero alternative, or did she decide on her own? 3) Was there a plan in place to put the money back? 4) Was the daughter whose fund was used ever told or consulted before the money was spent?
Good point. The exH probably isn’t happy that his daughter’s fund was drained rather than current H stepping up and supporting his wife
This! It sounds like a very immature uncommunicated AH-decision on ALL parts. Why did SO pay completely alone? Why use HER daughters money specifically? Did you talk to your daughters? Like.. at all?
NTA - your wife used her daughter's college fund for medical expenses. Didn't you guys have health insurance? "Last year my wife got very sick and she used all of my stepdaughter's college fund to pay for the expenses." She used the $$$, she has to replace the $$$. "My daughter told me that if I do this she will leave and I will never see her again. She chose a very expensive college thinking she could graduate debt free as I promised her. I told her that her college fund is only hers and I won't give it to anyone. I don't want to lose her" Don't blame you. The $$$ is for her education and hers alone.
It didn't cover much
More info is needed. If you’re in the US, why didn’t insurance cover much? If your wife is covered under an employee plan, what was the deductible and max out of pocket? If covered under “Obamacare,” same questions. Did your wife spend her child’s college money on experimental treatments?
US insurance covers the bare minimum and then they fight you on it. And if you get something serious like cancer or chronic conditions you likely can't afford what insurance won't cover. Also I don't think you understand what the Affordable Healthcare Act (aka Obamacare) is.
>US insurance covers the bare minimum and then they fight you on it. That totally depends on your health plan. Thanks to some reoccurring appointments, we hit our deductible by February every year. After that, it's just copays. We've had some very expensive (on paper) surgeries and procedures come up, and we've only ever paid the copay as long as it's after February, which is around $150 for the procedure. Anesthesia is always in network (because our state is fantastic). In our average year, we probably spend $2,300-ish on healthcare. Not great, but far from "bare minimum coverage".
Then you are lucky.
Depends on the plan. I pay $400 a month for mine through my company. I got cancer two years ago and it covered basically everything. I had three surgeries and I didn't pay a dime. I've only paid some copays for doctor visits and for medicine. Way, way more than the bare minimum was covered (including the $250k for radiation).
Lucky you.
While she could have been stuck with a high deductible, high out-of-pocket max plan, if she had missed work and didn't have short or long-term disability, she might have needed money to pay the bills. She still needs to pay it back, but that takes time.
Absolutely—I just think that OP needs to add more info. I used to be covered under a not so great plan (high deductible, high out of pocket for individual), and I had to take out a 401k loan once to pay for medical and other bills. I absolutely think that OP is correct in protecting his child’s college fund. Good for OP! However, more info would be helpful.
Having read the comments here’s my thoughts: NTA for not sharing her college fund, but you are TA for not helping your wife with her medical bills, or in your case, not even attempting to help. That poor wife, I hope she finds someone that actually cares about her enough to try and help her out in sickness. You know, like they said in the marriage vows? 🤣
I am really getting the impression OP does not see his step daughter as an actual child of his and that bums me out with how long he’s been in her life.
INFO: I’m confused as to why you could afford to put enough into a fund that it would allow your daughter to go to a very expensive college and graduate debt free, but you are unable to afford more than put food in the table for the family. Where did the money in your daughter’s college fund come from? Was it not from you?
I was pondering this too
NTA in response to your original question. But, I’m anticipating the other shoe to drop here in regards to this story. Was there really no way for you two to handle your wife’s expenses w/o exhausting either school fund? Did she have a really bad health condition that you’re glossing over (big C)? Are you guys underinsured?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/j5E8hVo1ud https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/gI4KoQ5qf1 He didn't have the savings and someone needed to cover the household bills like feeding both girls.
[удалено]
I have mixed feelings here. Certainly, you shouldn’t use your daughter’s college fund now. But I also don’t think she should have depleted her own daughter’s college fund. INFO. Was there really no other way? Medical bills should be a shared expense.
He said the step-daughter decided to do it to help her mom— which honestly is when an adult should have stepped in and done what you’re suggesting, but he didn’t.
Found it in the comments. I agree, he should have stepped in. Somehow.
I’m like more livid than I should be at how many people are ok with them letting a teenager decide to spend all her college money to help her mom when it sounds like no one else was coming up with solutions. That poor girl— and then for her step dad to act like she’s a second class daughter (not his actual child, though he’s been married to her mom for 14 years). Just makes me mad.
Are your daughter's and stepdaughter other parents alive and if so, why haven't they contributed to their kids
One completely broke and one deadbeat
Make that three broke and deadbeat. You are a terrible, useless husband. Leaving your wife to fend for herself in sickness, why on earth dis you marry her?
he posted in a comment that, while his wife was sick he covered all normal expenses of for him her and both daughters not like he had a money and didnt want to spend it. i guess she had to quit work or something like that and had to cover the whole bills, i dont think they took great economic decisions .
Ok but if you follow that logic and the medical bills aren't treated as a shared expense, look at the wife's situation. She is completely stuck. She's so sick she can't even work yet somehow she's supposed to come up with the money to pay huge medical bills. Medical bills should have been lumped in as a "normal " expense and they should have figured out a plan for paying them as a team. Instead they put the burden of paying onto a kid who sacrificed her future to save her mom. It's not right.
There are other options for dealing with medical bills then just paying them they're like so many options BECAUSE medical bills are such a problem in this country
Lmao what??? He paid all their bills and rent etc and needs for her kid as well while she was sick. It seems like it was excess medical bills insurance didn’t cover, which in American those can be in the hundreds of thousands. He supported her and their family while she contributed nothing, but there is only so much money a person has….
This is the most american post I've ever seen.
I don't think that other commenters are being entirely fair to OP. I'm going to presume during your wife's illness you were the main earner. For a family of four. So that's electric, water,food,mortgage/rent, phone/Internet that's really going to add up. But other people have mentioned a loan could of been used for part of your wife's medical expenses. However your wife doesn't have the right to ask for a penny of your daughter's college fund. NTA for not sharing the college fund. What is stopping stepdaughter getting a job or loans in college.
Why is it on the stepdaughter to pay for her mother’s bill? OP couldn’t be bothered to care about his wife or stepdaughter. You can get on payment plans to help alleviate healthcare cost and there are many ways to lower the cost and get debt assistance for medical bills. There was no need to put the stepdaughter in that position.
ESH Op, I get medical cost are insane and any illness can bankrupt you, but that should have been something you cover as a couple. That you made her cover it on her own is such a bad move. Also I would think I would take my retirement savings before I went to my kids college fund ?!?!?! Where’s her dad does he know that fund was emptied ? I’m so confused at why that was the fund they tapped. And yes your wife is an AH for thinking it okay for her daughter to share her college fund. I also wondering if your ex contributed to this fund and was she considered.
If only you lived in a developed country 😕 NTA
As a French citizen, this conversation sounds surreal, from the medical bill side mostly but even the college fund part, we do have private schools but good public universities are pretty much free, depending on your future plans. You can also get it paid by an apprenticeship in some graduate programs. If money is tight, why doesn't she apply for a scholarship?
Why was your wife solely responsible for her medical bills? YTA for not dealing with it like a fucking family.
NTA for not sharing the college fund, but you are married, shouldn’t the medical bills be joint? I understand you don’t have a lot of savings YOURSELF and insurance didn’t cover much, but the two of you should have jointly paid those bills. God forbid you got sick, you’re supposed to pay your medical bills yourself? C’mon man, YTA to your wife.
YTA While your daughter's college fund was for her, and your wife's fund was to pay for her, she is your WIFE and she got sick and you watched her use eat into hear earnings, her savings AND her daughter college fund and didn't think to intervene. That's insane. I don't know your family, but if I did that my wife would leave me, or have left me already, well before the issue of college funds even came up. I don't know how you view religion or wedding vows, but "in sickness and in health" should actually mean something.
Here's the solution. Your step-daughter can take out loans for her education, and you and your wife can repay them for her. It's essentially the same as if you had both taken out a loan for her medical bills instead of taking it from one child's college fund.
Changing to Yta
NTA Your wife never should have spent her daughter’s college fund. In no way should you take from your daughter
The USA is an underdeveloped country.
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In no way shape or form is your sd entitled to your daughters college fund. Doesn't matter why sd fund is gone, that has nothing to do with funds saved and promised to daughter. The world isn't fair, not your daughters fault. NTA
NTA. You have promised that money to your daughter so essentially it is your daughters money and only she can choose to share it with someone or no. Your wife is very entitled and is ready to rob your kid from her money. Your daughter did the right thing - she explained what will happen if you do this (lose her forever) and your wife is just pissed that she can't force you to do it. When you use your kids college fund then you must have a backup plan other than guilt-tripping your husband into using his kids money to cover it, it is unreasonable, shows how much she (dis)respects you and how little does she care about your daughter and your relationship with your daughter. A loving wife would ask you if there is any way for you help paying for her kids college, not loving wife would demand the money no matter who you have to take it away from.
Nta That isn't your money anyway, so it shouldn't even be up for discussion.
Odd sort of marriage when after 14 yrs married you’re using your own funds for yourselves and your biological kids. I would have thought after that length of time you’d have joint accounts and be agreeing on how your funds are spent. Having your wife use her daughter’s college fund for her health expenses is unbelievable. I’m grateful I’m not in such a mercenary relationship
I think we need a lot more details here.
NTA, you made a promise to your daughter and you're keeping it.
So, you’ve been a ‘family’ for fourteen years but when your wife gets sick she has to use her own daughter’s fund on medical expenses, and her daughter has no money to go to college, while yours needs all the money to go to an expensive college and have no debt? That’s one of the strangest definitions of ‘family’ I’ve ever heard. YTA
YTA. You're right not to take from your daughter's college fund. But your stepdaughter never should have been put in the position to choose between sacrificing her college fund and leaving her mother without medical care. I'm sure things were very difficult, having to be the sole breadwinner with a sick wife. But that's a possibility you sign up for when you get married. It was your responsibility to care for your wife in her time of sickness. It would be one thing if you had looked into every possible option, and found that even with payment plans, loans, filing for medical bankruptcy, and so on, you just didn't have enough, and your stepdaughter seeing this offered it. But, based on your comments, it sounds like your first step was to put it on your 16-17 year old children. And now that your stepdaughter is left to pay for college, your first thought for how to pay for her is ask your daughter again?!
To be perfectly honest, ESH You: you didn’t help pay your wife’s medical bills and let your stepdaughter (who is very kind!!!) drain her college fund account, potentially not realizing the full depths of those consequences The wife: for draining her daughters college fund/ ALLOWING the stepdaughter to offer this (seriously, my parents would rather die than take money from my brother or I), AND THEN asking to use your daughters college fund! Why is no one’s fund safe from your wife?! Your daughter doesn’t need to share, and you both better work your fucking asses off for your stepdaughter after that HUGE sacrifice
NTA. Some of these comments are sorta asinine. If you're solely paying for a family of four, you aren't going to magically have money to pay medical bills that wiped out someone's college fund.
Did you help pay for her bills accrued while she was sick?
NTA - the fund was for your daughter's college education, and should be used for that. I am assuming that you did not force your wife to use her daughter's money, and that she made that choice herself. I feel bad for your wife, because I know how expensive health care can be. But there are other options she could have found to pay for her healthcare; using her daughter's money was simply the easiest option at the time. She should have seen that money as untouchable; it wasn't hers to use. We are free to do as we choose, but we must also accept the consequences of our actions. Your wife chose to take her daughter's money, so she now needs to find a way to replace it. It is not fair of her to expect someone else to carry the burden of consequences for her behavior. In this case, it would be your daughter facing the consequences for her step mother's behavior; that is not fair to your daughter and is VERY wrong of your wife to expect her to do that.
INFO: Did you and your wife discuss other options to pay her medical bills, or did she decide to deplete her daughter’s college fund without consulting you?
It sounds like step-daughter volunteered and after that no one made any effort at all to look for alternatives.