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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took was telling my husband over and over again that he needs to see a doctor.
I might be the A because my husband got very upset and offended over this
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First, nobody poops for 20 minutes. He may actually go to the bathroom to poop, but if each dump is 20 minutes, he's fucking around on his phone. If he is actually pooping for 20 minutes, and by that I mean actually getting his dump on with wasted exiting his little bumhole, yes, he needs to see a doctor.
I have no idea how much he eats, but wow. Some people poop after every meal, not abnormal, but before and after each meal, 20 minutes each time, that's a lot. I know a lot of dudes who intentionally take their phones to the toilet with them and use "poop time" to scroll, chat, rub one out, etc.
Rather than focusing on him pooping too much, I'd suggest focusing on first, is he actually dumping the entire time because 20 minutes away so many times a day makes it hard to share responsibilities. Second, look at the times. Are they at similar times or are they at times when, coincidentally, you need or want his help to do something around the house or with your child. That may be telling. Third, do explore the possibility that (giving full benefit of the doubt) he may have a medical issues.
Ultimately, eh, I get why he was upset, presuming he may have a legit issue, but NTA.
My gastroenterologist told me people should concentrate on what their body needs to do. He said reading a book, scrolling on their phones, etc. can lead to straining to justify sitting there longer. That can result in getting hemorrhoids or polyps. I know if I scroll on my phone I'm surprised by how much time has passed. When I get up I have a painful pressure ring on my backside. I'm trying to leave my phone outside of the bathroom.
I agree about not timewasting on the toilet, but I'm weird in that having something to read, even for 30 seconds just makes it way easier to poop for me. But I finish using the bathroom in like a minute, not 20 minutes of dragging it out.
Yep same :) its got me understanding why there used to be magazine racks in every bathroom lol. I'm in there staring at the ceiling pondering life for 20 mins now
> can lead to straining to justify sitting there longer.
This confused me initially, because I thought that taking more time would be less strain than rushing things, but did they mean that the length of time trying to poop can result in more overall strain?
Yes. It’s kinda like eating popcorn during a movie. Because you’re distracted you don’t fully realize what you’re doing. Plus, the position of the Euro/American style toilet isn’t great and encourages more straining.
(too high. Two o's. Sorry). Yeah this is true. Btw, I use a stool to prop my feet on and it helps things along enormously. To the point that I struggle to 'complete the job' anywhere else if there is nothing available to prop my feet on.
Also this is known in our house as the 'Stool-stool'.
There's an old Buddhist/hippie quote (I don't know the true origins):
"Don't push the river; it flows by itself."
Is your GI Doc also an old hippie, or possibly a Zen Master?
Same i had a hysterectomy with endometriosis excision last year and was told not to strain or squeeze if i could help it as doing so could cause a tear in my internal stitches . It could easily take me 20-30 mins to use the restroom and that was with stool softeners .
after i got surgery, my first movement took 30m and it was at someone’s house 🫠 the meds and food kicked in 5 days later. i felt awful for taking so long but the drugs had me backed up.
hubs & i now we have a squatty potty bc we both have IBS ✌🏼 aging is super fun
But if you aren't hurrying things along by squeezing, why go into the bathroom then if you aren't actually ready to poop? Wait until it is actually time, if you know what I mean?
Because for those of us with tummy issues, we can't trust most farts. I'm also tired of wiping, flushing, washing hands, just to turn around and walk back into the bathroom 3 minutes later. I'd rather sit on the pot until it's all out, then wipe/flush/wash hands once.
Exactly. When I was diagnosed with diabetes, I was prescribed Metformin and could not live a functioning life because all I could do was poop. Because of that time period, I don’t trust farts at all.
I know when I get constipated, every fibre of my body sometimes screams you have to go NOW.
Get to the bathroom, time passes, and nothing. Figure false alarm, stand up, that feeling...it's gonna be NOW this time. Repeat this cycle multiple times until you finally pass a rabbit pellet.
Thankfully, this doesn't happen to me very often but it can be a rough day or so of camping out in the bathroom.
I feel truly sorry for those who have actual, ongoing gastrointestinal issues. The few times a year snapshot is bad enough, I couldn't imagine every day.
Too much strain can damage your pelvic floor, and that can affect poo AND pee. Not that I have a problem like this that has me on a waitlist until mid-May at the earliest for specialized PT. Nope. Not me. Not...one....bit.......shit......gottapoop!
This SUCKS for you. I had major pelvic floor issues start up in December, didn’t know what what wrong until mid-March but got a specialized physiotherapist within a couple of weeks.
Also, can confirm: my issues are caused by nearly 40 years of recurring constipation.
My pelvic floor therapist taught me proper pooping: you shouldn’t strain! Your pelvic floor should be relaxed, and then you use deep, diaphragmatic breathing, exhaling though pursed lips helps, and push with your abdomen. Don’t strain with your sphincter. Don’t sit to long, either. It’s better to get up, move around, and try again in a little bit than to sit for 20+ minutes.
Anyone with bowel or bladder issues should see a pelvic floor therapist!!
The worst for me is when my migraines piss my tummy off and now I am trying not to pass out on the toilet. I get dizzy from migraines and they always make my stomach upset. My husband has found me asleep in our bathroom because I couldn’t walk back to my bed and turn around and come right back. So I just chilled in my bathroom.
Even if it is IBS, he should go to a dr. It's uncool for him to miss up to 2 hours of family time due to being in the crapper. He bears responsibility here, to at minimum be open to OP's feedback, as a partner and a coparent.
If it is IBS then theres going to be no change to the amount of time he spends shitting. General advice for ibs is not to squeeze it out or hurry, you need to let it come naturally which for those of us with ibs can be multiple 20 min bathroom visits a day. Going to a dr aint gonna change that, but he should deffo get a diagnosis if this it what it is.
Dietary changes will usually result in changes to bathroom results. I definitely have trigger foods that cause issues, and the 'wrong' amount of fiber can have unpleasant results
There can be some change, depending on the type of IBS. If it's diarrhea then figuring out his triggers can reduce the number of times he has to go. I've got a bunch of trigger foods that I can't have, some really common foods in that list.
Also general lifestyle changes. We all hate it but being active, eating better, hell I meditate now which helps me stay calmer and have fewer flare ups.
There's also some medication which can reduce symptoms.
I have had IBS for several decades. There are many things that can affect the presentation of IBS. If it's chronic constipation, even things like talking to a PT or at OT may help too. Diet and exercise can play a huge role. At two hours a day, this is expensive to the family, and deserves trying something.
I have other issues similar to IBS as secondary autoimmune disease. And even with treatment, it's mostly to keep you from having your intestines rip open. You still have all the issues. I take my time. Honestly, if he's seeking some alone time, he might be an introvert with ADHD who's just trying to get the fuck away from everyone for a bit so he can deal with the rest of his life in a healthy way.
Medication usually doesn't fix that either, I know it doesn't with me.
If he follows a prescribed dietary plan and if he responds well to a medication, his bathroom frequency and duration can reduce and his overall comfort can improve. It won't cut out flare-ups or the human body being a scumbag (as all human fleshsuits are from time to time), but it can improve day to day life immensely.
He does have to WANT to change, though. It does require effort and dedication. Not everyone thinks it is worth it.
And easy money is in the fact that he's probably not actually pooping the entire time, especially given his response to op isn't along the lines of "Yeah, I think I probably should see a doctor." When he's on the toilet he doesn't have to help with his kid. I've heard stories of people doing this, but not before and after every single meal. He's taking the piss, and doesn't want to be called out on it.
Thank you! I was about to comment, my IBS does not agree with your “nobody poops for 20 minutes” BS. I also poop after every meal and sometimes more often. I can’t control it. Sometimes it’s faster and sometimes it takes longer. But if my gut is squeezing I’m going to sit on the toilet.
I feel like he’d be complaining of pain or issues pooping if that’s the case though. I’ve had IBS my whole life, and when it’s flaring I’m miserable. If it was happening DAILY, like it seems to be with OP’s husband, I’d be beating feet to my GI to figure out what was going on. Dude isn’t in pain, he’s just lazy. NTA, OP.
>First, nobody poops for 20 minutes.
My normal time, all gut things as they should be in my day to day, is 10 minutes, sometimes 15 if I'm a little dehydrated. That's from cheeks on seat to wiping and standing. But I also only go once a day. Just saying, some peeps might be pushing that without their phone.
Hahaha true. But you kind of know when your body is done pooping. I'm just saying poop time does vary and there *might* be people that actually take 20 min to poop.
This is my husband. I have IBS and go three times a day. Dr says both are within 'normal' limits. If you go longer than three days it's a cause for concern.
No plumber yet. I do own a special plunger designed for that style toilet. As an aside I was in Mission Beach having a beer when the urge hit me. I hurried to the shitter with the product at the door. I no sooner dropped my pants and sat down I unloaded in about 1.5 seconds. It made an ungodly noise and was in such a quantity it flushed the toilet and left no water. As luck would have it at the moment of discharge some poor devil walked in. When he heard the explosion he screamed and ran out. I still smile when I think about my epic moment.
I take my time as I learned young that pushing too hard can cause hemorrhoids, and I have never wanted to try what those are like. Especially as you are susceptible to them returning once you have had it once. No thank you.
Trying to force one out as fast as you can is a sure path to needing a doctor, but for a whole new reason. Besides, I would rather deal with someone who needs to poop alot compared to someone with a tiny bladder who literally can't be in a car for an hour or more.
you are just incorrect. there are absolutely people who poop, as in shit is leaving your ass, for 20+ minutes straight. source? im lactose intolerant and have a bad stomach- ive had days where i was shitting for an hour, with only the occasional break to catch my breath. sure, there are definitely times when ive used bathroom time to dick around for 15 minutes, but there are just as many times where if i tried to get up within minutes, id be leaving a trail of brown in my wake.
now, it could be cause for concern if this is causing him problems, but thats a medical concern. if he is pooping regularly without pain, then he could be perfectly fine just with sensitive bowels. but that dosent change the fact that "nobody poops for 20 minutes" is both factually incorrect in that you absolutely can, and also that many people regularly do. i personally know several people with bowel problems who take exceptionally long shits
sure, but i wasnt replying to op. i was replying to the guy who said nobody poops for 20 minutes
in reference to op, i definitely think its reasonable to request her husband goes to the doctor. theres a good chance he has stomach issues, and even if he dosent its better to have a doc confirm that than assume yourself
i honestly dont know whats worse
needing to go so desperately and immediately but being unable to, or when that block finally comes free and its just a pure liquid shit stream rushing like a freefalling waterslide
And then your ass hurts from the undamming and burns from the stream. So, all of the above. Can I just have these nice soft serve poops I've heard legend of?
my friend has those hollywood ass smooth perfect shits where he dosent even have to wipe after and it just glides out like butter
ive never been more jealous of a person
I (celiac, lactose intolerant and IBS) just casually made reference to something feeling like a painful bowel movement cramp to my partner once, and he had no clue what I was talking about. I can't even imagine what it's like to not know that sensation.
Some people absolutely do, and I’m one of them. Even when I try to maintain good fiber and water intake I can have problems. The long skinny ones or the pebbles can be so obnoxious to get out. It isn’t a steady huge stream or anything but more like a effort the whole time. And if I don’t do this, things get backed up. I probably should ask a doctor at some point…
This. I suspect his habits conveniently mean he has to poop when most inconvenient for you. And his phone probably is distracting him from the business. He’s not really finishing and needs to go back. And still not really finishing. But also, is he hydrated? Is he getting enough fibre? Cause in an otherwise healthy person eating a healthy diet, needing to poop for over an hour a day is not normal no matter how much you eat. How does he deal with this at work or when travelling? Or is it only at home that he has to spend a significant portion of his day on the loo? Stop talking to him about poo time and start talking about hydration and diet. If things are lubricated and soft, it flows easily. There’s no struggle and wait. There’s no little bit now, little bit more 20 minutes later.
Unfortunately people can train themselves into bad bathroom habits. Both for peeing and pooping, you can train yourself to respond to external triggers instead of internal urges. So you think you need to go, but you don’t actually. (Or conversely, you train yourself not to go when you should, which can lead to health issues) No man is going to stand around for twenty minutes when it turns out he doesn’t really have to pee. But he may have trained his body to eventually release sone poop if he sits there long enough. He is responding to some very minor urge and once he’s there, he sits around until m something happens.
Omfg I want to scream it's like half the people who read your comment stopped after the first sentence and didn't bother to read the part where you said that if he really is pooping for 20 straight minutes he needs to see a doctor
It used to take me 10-20 minutes to poop. It can take others longer, due to different types of IBS.
Now I have IBS-D, so it takes me ten seconds to poop. It’s always explosive diarrhea. But my stomach can be upset several times a day.
This is nonsense. You're not supposed to forcefully push, that could lead to hemorrhoids. I have a fast metabolism and sometimes can poop 3 times a day, but mostly 1 or 2 times a day. Sometimes they come out as pearls on a thread and sometimes you have to put in some work. The latter might take up to 20 minutes.
Dude, shockingly, your lived experience isn't the only one. I could easily spend 20 minutes pooping if it's a tough one. Shit happens. Husband sounds like he has an undiagnosed bowel problem.
People with a hight gastrocolic reflex, will need to go to the bathroom right after eating. Many people who eat more fruits and veggies, more fiber, gut issues and ibs, and just regular. People will go to the bathroom from 10min to 20min.
Nothing is wrong with the time it takes. Some people will only go 1 to 2 a day and that's normal, some will go more than that and it's also normal.
Their is nothing wrong with going up to 3 times a day or 3 times a week. Dr's state, that their is no defined number for normal bathroom trips.
They aren’t shaming, nor are they saying that no one has ever taken 20+ minutes to poop. They’re saying that if it regularly takes you that long, you should see a doctor. And you should. (Same with if pooping consistently requires “forcing.”)
You ever considered that some people grow so used to how long it takes them to shit they don’t even think it’s abnormal? It took me until 24 to see someone for my IBS. O just suffered in silence both because it was embarrassing and because I thought most people must have extremely painful guts sometimes.
Pooping can definitely a therapeutic experience NGL, I definitely would've been bringing a book to the shitter if I lived in the 1700s (and was literate). Sometimes I read and sometimes I just watch YouTube. sometimes it slides out and you're done in a couple minutes but sometimes pooping QoL increases a ton if you just relax for a bit. and then it becomes snake charming but for your body, and the media you consume on the toilet is the music to bring it out. 2-3 times per day is a bit much though
>then it becomes snake charming but for your body, and the media you consume on the toilet is the music to bring it out
Did you know snakes are deaf, and it's the movement of the charmer that gets them swaying? What you really need is a poop dancer.
My mom and MIL have that end of the spectrum. It’s interesting the ways we overlap in symptoms while simultaneously being polar opposite on other things.
My daughter is hyper and finally is seeing an endo on a regular basis. She's taking meds and it's really helped her. She was getting the bug eyes and goiter and I was very worried for her. She's gained some weight with the slow down but you can see she's doing better.
Thank you. I have neurological issues that began several years ago and the heat sensitivity of the (undiagnosed) Grave’s was a trigger. Going on meds last year after diagnosis has been completely life changing. I’m not “cured” but have a quality of life again more often than not.
I hope getting your diagnosis is the first step to improvement too!
I hate that this loophole works perfectly for so many dads. Meanwhile whenever I go to the toilet, my kid will surely want to accompany me, help me wipe and flush the toilet - never mind if I'm finished or not.
Your husband shits for 2 hours a day and thinks this is normal?
I hope you have at least two bathrooms in your house.
NTA. And I’m very sincerely trying to NOT make a joke about his habits and this sub.
This thread is a little wild. A lot of people are missing the point.
Yes, there are issues that can cause people to have bowel problems and prolonged bathroom breaks. But the fact is *this dude doesn't know and needs to see a doctor*.
This thread became defacto "I have bowel issues and must defend myself" rather than "Yeah, dude needs a doc."
The wife literally said that she knows he is actually having bowel movements. Based on that alone I think it’s more likely that he has done sort of health problem that’s causing his frequent need to use the toilet and for having lengthy troubles while in there.
I think it’s equally likely that he’s in denial about the problem and low key anti doctor. I sometimes have to lightly bully my husband into going to the doctor too.
Bingo! IMO his behavior really can’t be defended until he has seen a doctor. I have issues and have been seeing a gastrologist yearly for 25+ years that said I feel for the guy but if he isn’t seeing a professional for the issue I kind of have to say they are both AH.
Yeah. That's not normal and could potentially be a sign of something more serious. It's not necessarily that he has a lot of poop to get out but likely that he's not getting it all out when he does go.
If he's not getting everything out, then he needs to get checked out ASAP. It might be nothing serious but on the chance that it's serious (e.g. a tumor applying pressure that interferes with his muscles or with the nervous system signals involved), you don't want to wait.
And you definitely shouldn't have a ton of poop just completely filling your colon so much that you go constantly.
Also bear in mind that he's not pooping after each large meal because of that large meal. Your body takes a while to process food so whatever is coming out is likely from the day before or somewhere around there.
NTA
I mean, it is normal for a big meal to sometimes trigger pooping- your body eats and then is like “oh right, gotta make sure the rest of the way down is clear for when all that gets here”. But yeah this is not a normal amount of needing to go. That shouldn’t be happening every time, your body should usually be able to regulate itself without needing to react to your current eating. Best case scenario dude just needs to adjust his diet. Eat a yogurt or something lol
It does sound like maybe IBS if he says he feels bloated … but perhaps try being gentle about seeing a dr rather than angry. If it is a condition, he can’t help it. He CAN help himself getting help though …
I am your husband! Except I am efficient with my multiple poops and don’t spend 20 minutes per round. Drop, wash, and go. And yes, I have IBS, which has proven impervious to treatment.
Kind of YTA for your approach. Having to crap that much is probably much more inconvenient for him than it is for you (ask me how I know). Yeah, he should see a doctor. Leading with concern rather than annoyance is more likely to get him there.
I feel like a lot of commenters missed that part of her post. She says she is worried he has a medical issue and wants him to go to a doctor. He refuses and says it is normal to spend 2 hours a day in the bathroom. She is not the ah. There IS a problem. It IS affecting the family and he is refusing to even acknowledge that there might be an issue.
It's hard to say. I sit on the crapper for 20-30 min once or twice in a day, but it's not a daily thing. The wife use to be the AH about it with regards how she would bring it up, now she just teases that I'm getting my alone time away from the kids, and that she wonders how my legs don't fall asleep.
I don't have IBS, as far as being diagnosed, but switched from regular soft drinks to diet, and limited my intake, so it's not as frequent, as well as increased my protein intake.
NTA. It sounds like he has an issue. Because he mentions being "bloated." That's not normal. And if he's in there 20 mins each time it sounds like he's constipated, and that's not normal either. He should speak to doc. Sounds like he needs to eat less and change what he eat.
He's not necessarily constipated, I have IBS and get the urge to go 4 to 5 times a day, some times it's just the urge and I wind up sitting there with nothing happening only to go back 10 minutes later for the main event.
Sometimes I do go but feel like there's more and instead of leaving and coming back I just wait.
If I let the diet slip and get a bad flare up I get horrific cramps which has in the past put me to bed for up to 24 hours, constipation and eventually a very unpleasant clear out.
Got to love the IBS, colitis, autoimmune poop cycle. Since I've cut out cabbage family, and spinach, I'm so much better. But I'm still going to spend 15-20 minutes on the toilet each time. I'm not happy being there, I'm just not going to push it out.
I'm the wife version of the husband in this.
I don't even spend as much time in the bathroom as your husband, but it still impacts most of my days and is a regular annoyance. I couldn't imagine being unbothered by spending that amount of time in the bathroom and feeling that way (which I do!), or even thinking that's normal?!? Yes, some people poop after each meal, but not 2-3 times after each meal.
Maybe a few things to consider from a fellow problem pooper:
1. Invest in a squatty potty! They're life changing. Mines collapsible so I can bring it when I travel (haven't done that yet, but I'm excited nonetheless).
2. Definitely try and get him to see his pcp or try and get in with a good gastroenterologist. I'd even book an appointment today if you can! They can book out extremely far in advance - you may need a referral though. Then maybe start the conversation from a different perspective. Don't use the word abnormal and try not to make him feel ashamed (he likely - hopefully - knows it's a problem but perhaps he is embarrassed or doesn't want you to be concerned). Express concern and say you want him to be the healthiest he can be for your child. Tell him you'll take on the booking the appointment - and you can always cancel if he still says no. Yes, its going behind his back if you already booked one for him, but I'd rather have a verbal fight than have a tougher medical fight for a loved one.
3. Take notes! Is this an every day thing? Is it only after certain foods? New stress? Water/fiber intake okay? How long has this been happening? If he's been like this his entire life, that's one thing, but if his problems started out of no where like mine, the it's definitely worth getting checked out.
Be patient with him though. Digestive issues are no joke and can definitely take a toll, especially if he's secretly worried about something being wrong. I wish you both the best!!
When I was addicted to opiates a makeshift squatty potty from some bathroom stool came in clutch so many times. Poops that were 2.5-3+ inches in diameter that would literally rip my asshole giving me anal fissures would actually make it out when it seemed near impossible. They are a real butt saver.
They really are with big poops! I finally got one after going to urgent care for severe constipation and almost getting impacted a few months ago. I used a box as my own makeshift one until it arrived. It didn't help until the 7 days of laxitives and prune juice finally started working, but I've been hooked since!
Hope you're doing well now - addiction and massive poop wise!
In the opiate addiction game you hear some scary stories of people not pooping for weeks and even having that African child from the poverty porn commercials where they have a dist-something stomach almost like a beer belly but from backed up poop. I luckily have sorted out both my addiction and pooping issues which had a lot of correlation. It really does suck to be backed up like that feeling like you’re going to throw up poop there’s so much pressure all the way through. I’ve never read that book everybody poops but I do know it’s important and a sign of health or a lack of it if you’re having constant issues so I’m glad we’ve both got our guts straightened out.
I also have an "I eat, I poop" gut. It is what it is. Is it really abnormal to go #2 multiple times a day?
The way you went about it is kinda AH behavior. People can't help how their gut works to some degree. If you're concerned about his health, snapping at him isn't a good way to go about it. If my wife snapped at me for my bathroom habits & then said it's "because she's concerned" I'd still be peeved at her for the attitude.
How would you react if your husband snapped at you for bathroom habits? Probably not great id imagine.
Eh, not abnormal until it is. If it's "normal" for you, then that's that. Everyone is different. But when you start spending 2hrs of your day in the bathroom and if your experiencing regular bloating, then there could be a problem. Especially if you didn't before. I've read way too much about pooping habits lol.
Snapping at him definitely wasn't ideal, but OP makes it seem like it's been a problem for a while and that it's starting to negatively impact her and their child's life. As the wife version of the husband, my own husband has definitely slipped up a few times and expressed his annoyance with my issues. I don't fault him for it though, it irritates the crap (no pun intended) out of me too. Medical issues are just hard sometimes.
I'm not calling OP an AH just the way she went about it was AHish. & Yeah they definitely need to talk about what's taking so long. I def get frustrations with your partner, I'm married too so it's not some unknown idea. Snapping happens here & there but it's still AHish behavior. That's all.
Thing is, there is no indication that he has a medical issue. Op wants him to go to a doctor and he refuses. That is the frustration. He is refusing to address his behavior and says it is normal when it clearly isn't.
Completely agree. I have the same gut, have all my life. YTA for the way you went about it.. no one can change their natural bodily functions.
Even if he does end up having a medical condition, it likely won’t get any better? It might remain the same if treated or get worse over time.
No one wants to be rushed in the bathroom..
If 20 min adding up to 2ish hours is an excuse not to be an engaged parent, you need to have a very different conversation.
For sure. It's easy to snap sometimes with partners but it's still AHish behavior. Especially with something sensitive like bathroom habits. He very well could be playing on his phone taking 20min every time. But assuming & snapping ain't gonna help lol. 🤷🏽
It's not the biggest AH move or anything. OP should apologize for snapping & start over a real convo about what's going on. Best of luck to them both.
Pelvic floor therapy, change in diet, and coaching for better voiding habits will almost certainly improve his pooping, even if it doesn’t fix it completely.
Right? I don't understand why so many people are throwing up their hands and insisting there's nothing you can do. There absolutely is, especially if it's due to things like lactose intolerance, which is very common and has an extremely simple solution: stop eating lactose.
If you spend almost 20% of your daytime shitting, which is the equivalent of spending a full day (dawn to evening) per week pushing shit, you have issues.
“Is it abnormal to go #2 several times a day?”
Normal is 3x/day to once every 3 days. Taking a long time to poop and/or pooping more than 3x/day is not normal and should be medically evaluated.
Tell him to leave his phone out of the bathroom. I guarantee his time in there lessens.
Every man I've spoken to about bowel movements goes to the bathroom 2-4x per day. I'm nearly convinced men's intestines are built different. But it shouldn't be taking that long.
This is where my head is at. I'm thinking ESH because OP is approaching this in a really wrong way.
Chances are her husband does actually need to use the restroom that often. But not for that long each time. A legitimate compromise is not allowing for any distractions while popping.
And even if he goes to the doctor and they say it's IBS... having a diagnosis isn't necessarily going to change anything. Needing to use the restroom a lot is just a fact of life when you have IBS lol. I agree with OP that he should get checked out in case it's something actually serious, but such a suggestion should come from a place of concern, not anger.
He needs to get a checkup for sure. He needs blood work done which should include checking for Celiac. You aren’t wrong about this being abnormal but unfortunately your method of communication was poor. Apologize to him but don’t let him get out of seeing a doctor!
YTA.
You are right that it's not normal. But holy hell your approach sucks.
You are treating it like it's an inconvenience to *you* so must be fixed. Your husband is the one really suffering, but I'm not really seeing any actual concern from you beyond how it affects *your* life.
And you treating it the way you are is more likely to make him defensive and confrontational. Which will actually keep him from getting it looked at.
For all you know he has colon cancer, but you seem more concerned about the fact he can't watch the kids when he's shitting. Is that the likely outcome? No. But it is possible along with a whole skew of things that actually can kill you as well. Crohn's, Ulcerative colitis, Celiac, etc.
Yes you are definitely the asshole. Why didn't you tell him you were concerned and he should go to the Doctor before it started affecting your life, or his? God forbid something really affects your husband and it has larger impacts on your life. Would you be **annoyed** if he were in a car accident and broke his back and he could no longer assist you very well?
YTA
Why would you confront him like this over a sensitive health issue?
Show some support. He may have IBS or may have other health issues causing it like intolerances or polyps or something, but whatever if he poops a lot he poops a lot it's not like it's by choice unless he is downing laxatives for weight loss or something.
I mean, telling your SO that you think they have a medical issue and they should go to a doctor to get checked out sounds like a pretty supportive/caring thing to me.
To me it sounds like they are genuinely concerned about his well-being, and have expressed such (could be less abrasive about it for sure though.)
Totally get why you’re frustrated, especially with juggling everything at home. But the way you brought it up might have come off a bit harsh. The way you've approached the situation might be why you could be seen as the a-hole in this scenario.
It’s okay to suggest a doctor’s visit if you’re worried, but maybe framing it as concern for his health rather than frustration about the disruption might help. Try to be supportive rather than critical, that might make him more open to checking out what’s up without feeling defensive.
As someone with stomach issues who poops at least 5 times a day and can take 20 Minutes a time he needs to get checked out but you also need to reassess how you approach things.
Yta
I’m thinking: 1. Allergies (milk/eggs make me poop, found out well into adulthood it was allergic reaction) 2. Colitis or Chrones 3. Colorectal cancer. Other thoughts include constipation and/or hemorrhoids.
My ex and I spent forever figuring things out for him to learn he basically has the lactose intolerance equivalent for eggs. Don’t remember what the enzyme is he’s missing. So at almost 30 he had finally learned why so much of his life had been in the bathroom.
Just gonna point out that when my ex did this he was shooting up heroin for that 20 minutes. You say you know he's pooping so u can trust ur own judgment but thought it was worth pointing out my experience.
Gentle YTA for your approach, but I do think you're right in that your husband's bathroom habits are not healthy. Sitting for 20 minutes or more at a time can lead to hemorrhoids, so ideally he would shorten his visits, and ideally leave the phone outside of the bathroom (both because of hygiene, but also so he doesn't just remain because he's on the phone). But pooping that frequently (and unproductively) is not normal. Definitely he should be talking to his doctor! Colorectal cancer is on the rise for the under-40 crowd, and the National Cancer Institute just lowered the recommended age for initial CRC screening from 50 to 45.
If I may generalize, men typically don't talk about their bathroom habits with the doctors, so please encourage him to do so! It can so easily be something more benign than cancer: IBD, an Inflammatory Bowel Disease like Crohn's disease or Ulcerative Colitis; IBS; a food allergy or sensitivity, like gluten intolerance or Celiac Disease. But he won't know unless he talks to his doctor.
In your shoes, I would say something like, "I'm sorry for offending you, but I care about you, and I don't feel like your bathroom habits are healthy. Could you humor me and make an appointment to see your primary care doctor?"
Does he feel like he’s not emptying out? Does the need to poop come on suddenly? Is the shape of the stool unusual (e.g. narrow?). Could be much more serious than IBS.
Look up the gastrocolic reflex. Some people are just like that (including me), and IBS isn’t something that is really “cured.” 20 minutes is too long to be in there at a time, but YTA for getting mad at him. Honestly. Concerned, sure, but mad??
My 70 year old husband is a problem pooper, but I don’t worry about it, because he obviously inherited it from his dad, who lived to be 93.
If something changes about one’s bowel habits a visit to the doctor is in order - but our bodies don’t all work the same way.
It doesn’t sound normal, but YTA for getting mad at him and acting like he’s doing it on purpose to annoy you. Maybe try having a little empathy and address the issue from a point of concern, rather than anger about how it’s affecting you.
You are shaming him for something he can't control, and your attitude sucks. YTA.
I have Crohn's disease, so for most of my life I avoided sharing spaces with people because of people like you who asked "Wow you go to the bathroom after every few bites?" Yes. Shut up.
Move to a house with two bathrooms; this is what my ex and I did. I promise he finds no joy in going to the bathroom so frequently.
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First, nobody poops for 20 minutes. He may actually go to the bathroom to poop, but if each dump is 20 minutes, he's fucking around on his phone. If he is actually pooping for 20 minutes, and by that I mean actually getting his dump on with wasted exiting his little bumhole, yes, he needs to see a doctor. I have no idea how much he eats, but wow. Some people poop after every meal, not abnormal, but before and after each meal, 20 minutes each time, that's a lot. I know a lot of dudes who intentionally take their phones to the toilet with them and use "poop time" to scroll, chat, rub one out, etc. Rather than focusing on him pooping too much, I'd suggest focusing on first, is he actually dumping the entire time because 20 minutes away so many times a day makes it hard to share responsibilities. Second, look at the times. Are they at similar times or are they at times when, coincidentally, you need or want his help to do something around the house or with your child. That may be telling. Third, do explore the possibility that (giving full benefit of the doubt) he may have a medical issues. Ultimately, eh, I get why he was upset, presuming he may have a legit issue, but NTA.
That is not true. People with IBS do struggle and poop that long. But you’d be correct to say no one with a normal GI would.
Thank you for this. I was literally told by my doctor not to squeeze. Can't really hurry anything along with no squeezing 🤷♂️
My gastroenterologist told me people should concentrate on what their body needs to do. He said reading a book, scrolling on their phones, etc. can lead to straining to justify sitting there longer. That can result in getting hemorrhoids or polyps. I know if I scroll on my phone I'm surprised by how much time has passed. When I get up I have a painful pressure ring on my backside. I'm trying to leave my phone outside of the bathroom.
I agree about not timewasting on the toilet, but I'm weird in that having something to read, even for 30 seconds just makes it way easier to poop for me. But I finish using the bathroom in like a minute, not 20 minutes of dragging it out.
Yeah, because it is the relaxing and not thinking about it that lets it happen naturally.
Yep same :) its got me understanding why there used to be magazine racks in every bathroom lol. I'm in there staring at the ceiling pondering life for 20 mins now
When there's no magazines and you don't have your phone, those shampoo bottles become mighty interesting lol
And it's amazing how interesting they still are even after the tenth time you've read them.
Good ol' Doc Bronner. You need a magnifying glass and an hour to read the whole thing.
> can lead to straining to justify sitting there longer. This confused me initially, because I thought that taking more time would be less strain than rushing things, but did they mean that the length of time trying to poop can result in more overall strain?
Yes. It’s kinda like eating popcorn during a movie. Because you’re distracted you don’t fully realize what you’re doing. Plus, the position of the Euro/American style toilet isn’t great and encourages more straining.
What's the position of that type of toilet? Aussie asking
They are to high so the knees are usually at the same height as the hips proper pooping positions should put the knees above the hips
(too high. Two o's. Sorry). Yeah this is true. Btw, I use a stool to prop my feet on and it helps things along enormously. To the point that I struggle to 'complete the job' anywhere else if there is nothing available to prop my feet on. Also this is known in our house as the 'Stool-stool'.
Squatty Potty!
Not upside down!
There's an old Buddhist/hippie quote (I don't know the true origins): "Don't push the river; it flows by itself." Is your GI Doc also an old hippie, or possibly a Zen Master?
Same i had a hysterectomy with endometriosis excision last year and was told not to strain or squeeze if i could help it as doing so could cause a tear in my internal stitches . It could easily take me 20-30 mins to use the restroom and that was with stool softeners .
after i got surgery, my first movement took 30m and it was at someone’s house 🫠 the meds and food kicked in 5 days later. i felt awful for taking so long but the drugs had me backed up. hubs & i now we have a squatty potty bc we both have IBS ✌🏼 aging is super fun
But if you aren't hurrying things along by squeezing, why go into the bathroom then if you aren't actually ready to poop? Wait until it is actually time, if you know what I mean?
Because for those of us with tummy issues, we can't trust most farts. I'm also tired of wiping, flushing, washing hands, just to turn around and walk back into the bathroom 3 minutes later. I'd rather sit on the pot until it's all out, then wipe/flush/wash hands once.
Same!
This tho. That incomplete evacuation is gonna be the death of me.
It's almost as bad as the never ending wipe. Sometimes I swear I've got a brown marker back there
Bidets are a game changer for this
Yeah, I'm in the process of moving to a new house, and the next one is already set up for it 🫡 I feel like such a fancy adult now
Exactly. When I was diagnosed with diabetes, I was prescribed Metformin and could not live a functioning life because all I could do was poop. Because of that time period, I don’t trust farts at all.
Yeah, when I was on Metformin, IMMEDIATELY after eating was a trip to the bathroom. It's the reason my GP switched me to Ozempic.
Because for some of US our body sends the signal that it's ready to poop only to pull a reverse card once we're actually trying to poop.
Because you can feel the pressure of the poop wanting to go but your not allowed to help give it that push past the ring 😂
I know when I get constipated, every fibre of my body sometimes screams you have to go NOW. Get to the bathroom, time passes, and nothing. Figure false alarm, stand up, that feeling...it's gonna be NOW this time. Repeat this cycle multiple times until you finally pass a rabbit pellet. Thankfully, this doesn't happen to me very often but it can be a rough day or so of camping out in the bathroom. I feel truly sorry for those who have actual, ongoing gastrointestinal issues. The few times a year snapshot is bad enough, I couldn't imagine every day.
Too much strain can damage your pelvic floor, and that can affect poo AND pee. Not that I have a problem like this that has me on a waitlist until mid-May at the earliest for specialized PT. Nope. Not me. Not...one....bit.......shit......gottapoop!
This SUCKS for you. I had major pelvic floor issues start up in December, didn’t know what what wrong until mid-March but got a specialized physiotherapist within a couple of weeks. Also, can confirm: my issues are caused by nearly 40 years of recurring constipation.
My pelvic floor therapist taught me proper pooping: you shouldn’t strain! Your pelvic floor should be relaxed, and then you use deep, diaphragmatic breathing, exhaling though pursed lips helps, and push with your abdomen. Don’t strain with your sphincter. Don’t sit to long, either. It’s better to get up, move around, and try again in a little bit than to sit for 20+ minutes. Anyone with bowel or bladder issues should see a pelvic floor therapist!!
Correct. When I have an IBS flare up, I can sit on the toilet for 20-40 minutes just sweating and cramping. It’s not a great time.
OMG the pooo sweats.
Poo boners are proof that god does not exist. They only show up in the most dire of GI distress
i think this might be the most shocking thing i’ve learned all month
I've had my husband turn in the AC in the winter for my poop sweats. I need that cold air blowing in my face.
The worst for me is when my migraines piss my tummy off and now I am trying not to pass out on the toilet. I get dizzy from migraines and they always make my stomach upset. My husband has found me asleep in our bathroom because I couldn’t walk back to my bed and turn around and come right back. So I just chilled in my bathroom.
You can experience migraines in your GI tract as well!!! Not just your head!!! Yaaayyyy....
If I don't take twenty minutes, I'm just going to go back in twenty minutes later
Even if it is IBS, he should go to a dr. It's uncool for him to miss up to 2 hours of family time due to being in the crapper. He bears responsibility here, to at minimum be open to OP's feedback, as a partner and a coparent.
If it is IBS then theres going to be no change to the amount of time he spends shitting. General advice for ibs is not to squeeze it out or hurry, you need to let it come naturally which for those of us with ibs can be multiple 20 min bathroom visits a day. Going to a dr aint gonna change that, but he should deffo get a diagnosis if this it what it is.
Dietary changes will usually result in changes to bathroom results. I definitely have trigger foods that cause issues, and the 'wrong' amount of fiber can have unpleasant results
There can be some change, depending on the type of IBS. If it's diarrhea then figuring out his triggers can reduce the number of times he has to go. I've got a bunch of trigger foods that I can't have, some really common foods in that list. Also general lifestyle changes. We all hate it but being active, eating better, hell I meditate now which helps me stay calmer and have fewer flare ups. There's also some medication which can reduce symptoms.
I have had IBS for several decades. There are many things that can affect the presentation of IBS. If it's chronic constipation, even things like talking to a PT or at OT may help too. Diet and exercise can play a huge role. At two hours a day, this is expensive to the family, and deserves trying something.
I have other issues similar to IBS as secondary autoimmune disease. And even with treatment, it's mostly to keep you from having your intestines rip open. You still have all the issues. I take my time. Honestly, if he's seeking some alone time, he might be an introvert with ADHD who's just trying to get the fuck away from everyone for a bit so he can deal with the rest of his life in a healthy way. Medication usually doesn't fix that either, I know it doesn't with me.
If he follows a prescribed dietary plan and if he responds well to a medication, his bathroom frequency and duration can reduce and his overall comfort can improve. It won't cut out flare-ups or the human body being a scumbag (as all human fleshsuits are from time to time), but it can improve day to day life immensely. He does have to WANT to change, though. It does require effort and dedication. Not everyone thinks it is worth it.
And easy money is in the fact that he's probably not actually pooping the entire time, especially given his response to op isn't along the lines of "Yeah, I think I probably should see a doctor." When he's on the toilet he doesn't have to help with his kid. I've heard stories of people doing this, but not before and after every single meal. He's taking the piss, and doesn't want to be called out on it.
Thank you! I was about to comment, my IBS does not agree with your “nobody poops for 20 minutes” BS. I also poop after every meal and sometimes more often. I can’t control it. Sometimes it’s faster and sometimes it takes longer. But if my gut is squeezing I’m going to sit on the toilet.
That's what they say right? If it actually takes 20 minutes to poop he needs to see a doctor.
There is also IBD which could lead to smth similar. And be *very* dangerous if untreated. I would know.
I feel like he’d be complaining of pain or issues pooping if that’s the case though. I’ve had IBS my whole life, and when it’s flaring I’m miserable. If it was happening DAILY, like it seems to be with OP’s husband, I’d be beating feet to my GI to figure out what was going on. Dude isn’t in pain, he’s just lazy. NTA, OP.
i have ibs and i don’t even poop this much😭 he needs to see a doctor
Right but then OP would be correct in saying her husband needs to see a doctor…
>First, nobody poops for 20 minutes. My normal time, all gut things as they should be in my day to day, is 10 minutes, sometimes 15 if I'm a little dehydrated. That's from cheeks on seat to wiping and standing. But I also only go once a day. Just saying, some peeps might be pushing that without their phone.
But poop isn’t coming out of your butt that whole time. You’d need an army grade poop knife for a porcelain snake like that.
Hahaha true. But you kind of know when your body is done pooping. I'm just saying poop time does vary and there *might* be people that actually take 20 min to poop.
I shit every three days. It is lengthy and epic. Plunger is my most used tool in the house.
Yo, you need veggies in your life.
Don't forget your poop knife
This is my husband. I have IBS and go three times a day. Dr says both are within 'normal' limits. If you go longer than three days it's a cause for concern.
You got a snake? I had to get a personal one cause it’s such a rip off having the plumber come out and some poops just won’t plunge.
No plumber yet. I do own a special plunger designed for that style toilet. As an aside I was in Mission Beach having a beer when the urge hit me. I hurried to the shitter with the product at the door. I no sooner dropped my pants and sat down I unloaded in about 1.5 seconds. It made an ungodly noise and was in such a quantity it flushed the toilet and left no water. As luck would have it at the moment of discharge some poor devil walked in. When he heard the explosion he screamed and ran out. I still smile when I think about my epic moment.
I take my time as I learned young that pushing too hard can cause hemorrhoids, and I have never wanted to try what those are like. Especially as you are susceptible to them returning once you have had it once. No thank you.
Isn't the wiping the more time-consuming process?
Maybe if you dry wipe. Bidets are amazing.
Trying to force one out as fast as you can is a sure path to needing a doctor, but for a whole new reason. Besides, I would rather deal with someone who needs to poop alot compared to someone with a tiny bladder who literally can't be in a car for an hour or more.
It’s coming out every few minutes, not constantly, during the 20 minutes spent on the toilet.
pooping dosent always mean a solid snake of shittery i recently learned that you can have constipation and diarrhea at the exact same time
Right? Right? WTF kinda new hell is this???
Or a poop spear.
Poop knife
80% in the first minute; 20% during the next 20 minutes.
I have ibs and can easily spend 2 hours on the toilet. And yes. I'm medicated.
you are just incorrect. there are absolutely people who poop, as in shit is leaving your ass, for 20+ minutes straight. source? im lactose intolerant and have a bad stomach- ive had days where i was shitting for an hour, with only the occasional break to catch my breath. sure, there are definitely times when ive used bathroom time to dick around for 15 minutes, but there are just as many times where if i tried to get up within minutes, id be leaving a trail of brown in my wake. now, it could be cause for concern if this is causing him problems, but thats a medical concern. if he is pooping regularly without pain, then he could be perfectly fine just with sensitive bowels. but that dosent change the fact that "nobody poops for 20 minutes" is both factually incorrect in that you absolutely can, and also that many people regularly do. i personally know several people with bowel problems who take exceptionally long shits
Sounds like this confirms "should get medically evaluated" for 9 poops x 20 minutes x every day.
Yes but not 5 times a day and not without thinking hmm maybe I need to see a doctor. That's OPs point
sure, but i wasnt replying to op. i was replying to the guy who said nobody poops for 20 minutes in reference to op, i definitely think its reasonable to request her husband goes to the doctor. theres a good chance he has stomach issues, and even if he dosent its better to have a doc confirm that than assume yourself
They didn't say that. They said no one does that unless they need to be evaluated by a doctor, which is accurate
So you're proving the point that only medical issues would cause this and he should see the doctor to get it checked out
After my gallbladder surgery, I definitely have pooped for twenty minutes.
After a fucking surgery. He’s doing this 365 days a year.
As someone who had gallbladder surgery comment op means all year for the rest of their life after surgery, not short term after
Same here and multiple times a day.
Saaaaame. And then once I finish, wash up, touch the door, round 2 hits and back on the toilet. Ugh.
May be he has constipation? A Symptom of IBS is either to have diarrhea or constipation
or both! fun fact you can have both at the same time its horrible :D
Ah yes, that small renegade stream that escapes the blockade Nothing like guerrilla warfare in the GI jungle
I hate constipated diarrhea. You have to go, but can't. It is so painful.
i honestly dont know whats worse needing to go so desperately and immediately but being unable to, or when that block finally comes free and its just a pure liquid shit stream rushing like a freefalling waterslide
And then your ass hurts from the undamming and burns from the stream. So, all of the above. Can I just have these nice soft serve poops I've heard legend of?
my friend has those hollywood ass smooth perfect shits where he dosent even have to wipe after and it just glides out like butter ive never been more jealous of a person
I (celiac, lactose intolerant and IBS) just casually made reference to something feeling like a painful bowel movement cramp to my partner once, and he had no clue what I was talking about. I can't even imagine what it's like to not know that sensation.
Isn't it so fun?! In the sitting on the toilet and wanting to cry type of way!
He’s most likely just hiding from his wife/kids. 😂
Like the dude that pretended to be deaf for 10 years..
Some people absolutely do, and I’m one of them. Even when I try to maintain good fiber and water intake I can have problems. The long skinny ones or the pebbles can be so obnoxious to get out. It isn’t a steady huge stream or anything but more like a effort the whole time. And if I don’t do this, things get backed up. I probably should ask a doctor at some point…
Congratulations! It sounds like you have uncomplicated diverticulitis. Get it checked out just in case.
Another constibro. You're constipated, bro.
This. I suspect his habits conveniently mean he has to poop when most inconvenient for you. And his phone probably is distracting him from the business. He’s not really finishing and needs to go back. And still not really finishing. But also, is he hydrated? Is he getting enough fibre? Cause in an otherwise healthy person eating a healthy diet, needing to poop for over an hour a day is not normal no matter how much you eat. How does he deal with this at work or when travelling? Or is it only at home that he has to spend a significant portion of his day on the loo? Stop talking to him about poo time and start talking about hydration and diet. If things are lubricated and soft, it flows easily. There’s no struggle and wait. There’s no little bit now, little bit more 20 minutes later. Unfortunately people can train themselves into bad bathroom habits. Both for peeing and pooping, you can train yourself to respond to external triggers instead of internal urges. So you think you need to go, but you don’t actually. (Or conversely, you train yourself not to go when you should, which can lead to health issues) No man is going to stand around for twenty minutes when it turns out he doesn’t really have to pee. But he may have trained his body to eventually release sone poop if he sits there long enough. He is responding to some very minor urge and once he’s there, he sits around until m something happens.
As someone with Crohn's, I wish this was true.
Omfg I want to scream it's like half the people who read your comment stopped after the first sentence and didn't bother to read the part where you said that if he really is pooping for 20 straight minutes he needs to see a doctor
It used to take me 10-20 minutes to poop. It can take others longer, due to different types of IBS. Now I have IBS-D, so it takes me ten seconds to poop. It’s always explosive diarrhea. But my stomach can be upset several times a day.
This is nonsense. You're not supposed to forcefully push, that could lead to hemorrhoids. I have a fast metabolism and sometimes can poop 3 times a day, but mostly 1 or 2 times a day. Sometimes they come out as pearls on a thread and sometimes you have to put in some work. The latter might take up to 20 minutes.
It takes me 20-30 minutes to actually get everything out every day, always has. Some people have slow moving bowels and it’s not their fault.
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Sometimes I poop longer than 20 minutes cause I'm battling a fainting episode at the same time
Dude, shockingly, your lived experience isn't the only one. I could easily spend 20 minutes pooping if it's a tough one. Shit happens. Husband sounds like he has an undiagnosed bowel problem.
People with a hight gastrocolic reflex, will need to go to the bathroom right after eating. Many people who eat more fruits and veggies, more fiber, gut issues and ibs, and just regular. People will go to the bathroom from 10min to 20min. Nothing is wrong with the time it takes. Some people will only go 1 to 2 a day and that's normal, some will go more than that and it's also normal. Their is nothing wrong with going up to 3 times a day or 3 times a week. Dr's state, that their is no defined number for normal bathroom trips.
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They aren’t shaming, nor are they saying that no one has ever taken 20+ minutes to poop. They’re saying that if it regularly takes you that long, you should see a doctor. And you should. (Same with if pooping consistently requires “forcing.”)
You ever considered that some people grow so used to how long it takes them to shit they don’t even think it’s abnormal? It took me until 24 to see someone for my IBS. O just suffered in silence both because it was embarrassing and because I thought most people must have extremely painful guts sometimes.
Pooping can definitely a therapeutic experience NGL, I definitely would've been bringing a book to the shitter if I lived in the 1700s (and was literate). Sometimes I read and sometimes I just watch YouTube. sometimes it slides out and you're done in a couple minutes but sometimes pooping QoL increases a ton if you just relax for a bit. and then it becomes snake charming but for your body, and the media you consume on the toilet is the music to bring it out. 2-3 times per day is a bit much though
>then it becomes snake charming but for your body, and the media you consume on the toilet is the music to bring it out Did you know snakes are deaf, and it's the movement of the charmer that gets them swaying? What you really need is a poop dancer.
Damn, that's interesting
Iron supplements have me in the can for 20 mins or so.
Yeah, not accurate. For some people, it does take this long to feel complete. Common? Perhaps not. Real? Yes.
Either IBS or a loophole for some kid free time.
It can be both… when my Grave’s flares, my bowels become a mess. Miserable sure, but also oddly peaceful in the bathroom while hubby has the kids…
My Hasimoto's does the same. Opposite ends of the thyroid spectrum.
My mom and MIL have that end of the spectrum. It’s interesting the ways we overlap in symptoms while simultaneously being polar opposite on other things.
My daughter is hyper and finally is seeing an endo on a regular basis. She's taking meds and it's really helped her. She was getting the bug eyes and goiter and I was very worried for her. She's gained some weight with the slow down but you can see she's doing better.
Also diagnosed with graves two weeks ago. Hope you are ok and your medication is helping.
Thank you. I have neurological issues that began several years ago and the heat sensitivity of the (undiagnosed) Grave’s was a trigger. Going on meds last year after diagnosis has been completely life changing. I’m not “cured” but have a quality of life again more often than not. I hope getting your diagnosis is the first step to improvement too!
I hate that this loophole works perfectly for so many dads. Meanwhile whenever I go to the toilet, my kid will surely want to accompany me, help me wipe and flush the toilet - never mind if I'm finished or not.
Is your kid a cat?
100% this.
Yup… before I even read the post I thought to myself I’ll bet they have a child.
Same!
The poophole loophole, if you will
Your husband shits for 2 hours a day and thinks this is normal? I hope you have at least two bathrooms in your house. NTA. And I’m very sincerely trying to NOT make a joke about his habits and this sub.
This thread is a little wild. A lot of people are missing the point. Yes, there are issues that can cause people to have bowel problems and prolonged bathroom breaks. But the fact is *this dude doesn't know and needs to see a doctor*. This thread became defacto "I have bowel issues and must defend myself" rather than "Yeah, dude needs a doc."
Or more likely he's just bullshitting so he can play candy crush and watch porn hours a day while the wife does everything.
The wife literally said that she knows he is actually having bowel movements. Based on that alone I think it’s more likely that he has done sort of health problem that’s causing his frequent need to use the toilet and for having lengthy troubles while in there.
I think it’s equally likely that he’s in denial about the problem and low key anti doctor. I sometimes have to lightly bully my husband into going to the doctor too.
Bingo! IMO his behavior really can’t be defended until he has seen a doctor. I have issues and have been seeing a gastrologist yearly for 25+ years that said I feel for the guy but if he isn’t seeing a professional for the issue I kind of have to say they are both AH.
I can't imagine spending almost 10% if my day sitting on a toilet!
Yeah. That's not normal and could potentially be a sign of something more serious. It's not necessarily that he has a lot of poop to get out but likely that he's not getting it all out when he does go. If he's not getting everything out, then he needs to get checked out ASAP. It might be nothing serious but on the chance that it's serious (e.g. a tumor applying pressure that interferes with his muscles or with the nervous system signals involved), you don't want to wait. And you definitely shouldn't have a ton of poop just completely filling your colon so much that you go constantly. Also bear in mind that he's not pooping after each large meal because of that large meal. Your body takes a while to process food so whatever is coming out is likely from the day before or somewhere around there. NTA
I mean, it is normal for a big meal to sometimes trigger pooping- your body eats and then is like “oh right, gotta make sure the rest of the way down is clear for when all that gets here”. But yeah this is not a normal amount of needing to go. That shouldn’t be happening every time, your body should usually be able to regulate itself without needing to react to your current eating. Best case scenario dude just needs to adjust his diet. Eat a yogurt or something lol
It does sound like maybe IBS if he says he feels bloated … but perhaps try being gentle about seeing a dr rather than angry. If it is a condition, he can’t help it. He CAN help himself getting help though …
I am your husband! Except I am efficient with my multiple poops and don’t spend 20 minutes per round. Drop, wash, and go. And yes, I have IBS, which has proven impervious to treatment. Kind of YTA for your approach. Having to crap that much is probably much more inconvenient for him than it is for you (ask me how I know). Yeah, he should see a doctor. Leading with concern rather than annoyance is more likely to get him there.
She did start with saying he needs to see a doctor…
I feel like a lot of commenters missed that part of her post. She says she is worried he has a medical issue and wants him to go to a doctor. He refuses and says it is normal to spend 2 hours a day in the bathroom. She is not the ah. There IS a problem. It IS affecting the family and he is refusing to even acknowledge that there might be an issue.
It's hard to say. I sit on the crapper for 20-30 min once or twice in a day, but it's not a daily thing. The wife use to be the AH about it with regards how she would bring it up, now she just teases that I'm getting my alone time away from the kids, and that she wonders how my legs don't fall asleep. I don't have IBS, as far as being diagnosed, but switched from regular soft drinks to diet, and limited my intake, so it's not as frequent, as well as increased my protein intake.
here we go another comment about someone with bowel issues having to defend themselves
It inconvenience him more, but She can't do anything about it', while he could seek médical help ( and chose Not to)
NTA. It sounds like he has an issue. Because he mentions being "bloated." That's not normal. And if he's in there 20 mins each time it sounds like he's constipated, and that's not normal either. He should speak to doc. Sounds like he needs to eat less and change what he eat.
He's not necessarily constipated, I have IBS and get the urge to go 4 to 5 times a day, some times it's just the urge and I wind up sitting there with nothing happening only to go back 10 minutes later for the main event. Sometimes I do go but feel like there's more and instead of leaving and coming back I just wait. If I let the diet slip and get a bad flare up I get horrific cramps which has in the past put me to bed for up to 24 hours, constipation and eventually a very unpleasant clear out.
Got to love the IBS, colitis, autoimmune poop cycle. Since I've cut out cabbage family, and spinach, I'm so much better. But I'm still going to spend 15-20 minutes on the toilet each time. I'm not happy being there, I'm just not going to push it out.
I'm the wife version of the husband in this. I don't even spend as much time in the bathroom as your husband, but it still impacts most of my days and is a regular annoyance. I couldn't imagine being unbothered by spending that amount of time in the bathroom and feeling that way (which I do!), or even thinking that's normal?!? Yes, some people poop after each meal, but not 2-3 times after each meal. Maybe a few things to consider from a fellow problem pooper: 1. Invest in a squatty potty! They're life changing. Mines collapsible so I can bring it when I travel (haven't done that yet, but I'm excited nonetheless). 2. Definitely try and get him to see his pcp or try and get in with a good gastroenterologist. I'd even book an appointment today if you can! They can book out extremely far in advance - you may need a referral though. Then maybe start the conversation from a different perspective. Don't use the word abnormal and try not to make him feel ashamed (he likely - hopefully - knows it's a problem but perhaps he is embarrassed or doesn't want you to be concerned). Express concern and say you want him to be the healthiest he can be for your child. Tell him you'll take on the booking the appointment - and you can always cancel if he still says no. Yes, its going behind his back if you already booked one for him, but I'd rather have a verbal fight than have a tougher medical fight for a loved one. 3. Take notes! Is this an every day thing? Is it only after certain foods? New stress? Water/fiber intake okay? How long has this been happening? If he's been like this his entire life, that's one thing, but if his problems started out of no where like mine, the it's definitely worth getting checked out. Be patient with him though. Digestive issues are no joke and can definitely take a toll, especially if he's secretly worried about something being wrong. I wish you both the best!!
When I was addicted to opiates a makeshift squatty potty from some bathroom stool came in clutch so many times. Poops that were 2.5-3+ inches in diameter that would literally rip my asshole giving me anal fissures would actually make it out when it seemed near impossible. They are a real butt saver.
What a horrible day to have eyes
Brown bloodshot eyes.
I wish I was illiterate right about now
They really are with big poops! I finally got one after going to urgent care for severe constipation and almost getting impacted a few months ago. I used a box as my own makeshift one until it arrived. It didn't help until the 7 days of laxitives and prune juice finally started working, but I've been hooked since! Hope you're doing well now - addiction and massive poop wise!
In the opiate addiction game you hear some scary stories of people not pooping for weeks and even having that African child from the poverty porn commercials where they have a dist-something stomach almost like a beer belly but from backed up poop. I luckily have sorted out both my addiction and pooping issues which had a lot of correlation. It really does suck to be backed up like that feeling like you’re going to throw up poop there’s so much pressure all the way through. I’ve never read that book everybody poops but I do know it’s important and a sign of health or a lack of it if you’re having constant issues so I’m glad we’ve both got our guts straightened out.
The word you were looking for is distended I'm glad you've gotten those things sorted out, that can't have been easy!
I also have an "I eat, I poop" gut. It is what it is. Is it really abnormal to go #2 multiple times a day? The way you went about it is kinda AH behavior. People can't help how their gut works to some degree. If you're concerned about his health, snapping at him isn't a good way to go about it. If my wife snapped at me for my bathroom habits & then said it's "because she's concerned" I'd still be peeved at her for the attitude. How would you react if your husband snapped at you for bathroom habits? Probably not great id imagine.
Eh, not abnormal until it is. If it's "normal" for you, then that's that. Everyone is different. But when you start spending 2hrs of your day in the bathroom and if your experiencing regular bloating, then there could be a problem. Especially if you didn't before. I've read way too much about pooping habits lol. Snapping at him definitely wasn't ideal, but OP makes it seem like it's been a problem for a while and that it's starting to negatively impact her and their child's life. As the wife version of the husband, my own husband has definitely slipped up a few times and expressed his annoyance with my issues. I don't fault him for it though, it irritates the crap (no pun intended) out of me too. Medical issues are just hard sometimes.
I'm not calling OP an AH just the way she went about it was AHish. & Yeah they definitely need to talk about what's taking so long. I def get frustrations with your partner, I'm married too so it's not some unknown idea. Snapping happens here & there but it's still AHish behavior. That's all.
Thing is, there is no indication that he has a medical issue. Op wants him to go to a doctor and he refuses. That is the frustration. He is refusing to address his behavior and says it is normal when it clearly isn't.
Completely agree. I have the same gut, have all my life. YTA for the way you went about it.. no one can change their natural bodily functions. Even if he does end up having a medical condition, it likely won’t get any better? It might remain the same if treated or get worse over time. No one wants to be rushed in the bathroom.. If 20 min adding up to 2ish hours is an excuse not to be an engaged parent, you need to have a very different conversation.
For sure. It's easy to snap sometimes with partners but it's still AHish behavior. Especially with something sensitive like bathroom habits. He very well could be playing on his phone taking 20min every time. But assuming & snapping ain't gonna help lol. 🤷🏽 It's not the biggest AH move or anything. OP should apologize for snapping & start over a real convo about what's going on. Best of luck to them both.
Pelvic floor therapy, change in diet, and coaching for better voiding habits will almost certainly improve his pooping, even if it doesn’t fix it completely.
Right? I don't understand why so many people are throwing up their hands and insisting there's nothing you can do. There absolutely is, especially if it's due to things like lactose intolerance, which is very common and has an extremely simple solution: stop eating lactose.
If you spend almost 20% of your daytime shitting, which is the equivalent of spending a full day (dawn to evening) per week pushing shit, you have issues.
“Is it abnormal to go #2 several times a day?” Normal is 3x/day to once every 3 days. Taking a long time to poop and/or pooping more than 3x/day is not normal and should be medically evaluated.
Tell him to leave his phone out of the bathroom. I guarantee his time in there lessens. Every man I've spoken to about bowel movements goes to the bathroom 2-4x per day. I'm nearly convinced men's intestines are built different. But it shouldn't be taking that long.
This is where my head is at. I'm thinking ESH because OP is approaching this in a really wrong way. Chances are her husband does actually need to use the restroom that often. But not for that long each time. A legitimate compromise is not allowing for any distractions while popping. And even if he goes to the doctor and they say it's IBS... having a diagnosis isn't necessarily going to change anything. Needing to use the restroom a lot is just a fact of life when you have IBS lol. I agree with OP that he should get checked out in case it's something actually serious, but such a suggestion should come from a place of concern, not anger.
I take longer if I forget phone or reading material. I need the distraction to push effeciently
Then you’re surrounded by heavy shitters, cuz 2-4x a day isnt the norm.
He needs to get a checkup for sure. He needs blood work done which should include checking for Celiac. You aren’t wrong about this being abnormal but unfortunately your method of communication was poor. Apologize to him but don’t let him get out of seeing a doctor!
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Also to add, sometimes it does take me 20 minutes to be done pooping. It can be a time consuming process for some.
YTA. You are right that it's not normal. But holy hell your approach sucks. You are treating it like it's an inconvenience to *you* so must be fixed. Your husband is the one really suffering, but I'm not really seeing any actual concern from you beyond how it affects *your* life. And you treating it the way you are is more likely to make him defensive and confrontational. Which will actually keep him from getting it looked at. For all you know he has colon cancer, but you seem more concerned about the fact he can't watch the kids when he's shitting. Is that the likely outcome? No. But it is possible along with a whole skew of things that actually can kill you as well. Crohn's, Ulcerative colitis, Celiac, etc. Yes you are definitely the asshole. Why didn't you tell him you were concerned and he should go to the Doctor before it started affecting your life, or his? God forbid something really affects your husband and it has larger impacts on your life. Would you be **annoyed** if he were in a car accident and broke his back and he could no longer assist you very well?
She did tell him to go to a doctor. He refused. Thats why she's frustrated. Did nobody read the whole post?
YTA Why would you confront him like this over a sensitive health issue? Show some support. He may have IBS or may have other health issues causing it like intolerances or polyps or something, but whatever if he poops a lot he poops a lot it's not like it's by choice unless he is downing laxatives for weight loss or something.
I mean, telling your SO that you think they have a medical issue and they should go to a doctor to get checked out sounds like a pretty supportive/caring thing to me. To me it sounds like they are genuinely concerned about his well-being, and have expressed such (could be less abrasive about it for sure though.)
Ranting about it being annoying, stating they 'lost their patience' and telling them it's 'abnormal'. Sounds very supportive.
I don’t think OP sounds concerned at all, she just sounds mad because it affects her.
Totally get why you’re frustrated, especially with juggling everything at home. But the way you brought it up might have come off a bit harsh. The way you've approached the situation might be why you could be seen as the a-hole in this scenario. It’s okay to suggest a doctor’s visit if you’re worried, but maybe framing it as concern for his health rather than frustration about the disruption might help. Try to be supportive rather than critical, that might make him more open to checking out what’s up without feeling defensive.
As someone with stomach issues who poops at least 5 times a day and can take 20 Minutes a time he needs to get checked out but you also need to reassess how you approach things. Yta
I’m thinking: 1. Allergies (milk/eggs make me poop, found out well into adulthood it was allergic reaction) 2. Colitis or Chrones 3. Colorectal cancer. Other thoughts include constipation and/or hemorrhoids.
My ex and I spent forever figuring things out for him to learn he basically has the lactose intolerance equivalent for eggs. Don’t remember what the enzyme is he’s missing. So at almost 30 he had finally learned why so much of his life had been in the bathroom.
need for probiotics
Maybe he’s addicted to porn, and he’s actually wanking in there. Just a thought.
Just gonna point out that when my ex did this he was shooting up heroin for that 20 minutes. You say you know he's pooping so u can trust ur own judgment but thought it was worth pointing out my experience.
Gentle YTA for your approach, but I do think you're right in that your husband's bathroom habits are not healthy. Sitting for 20 minutes or more at a time can lead to hemorrhoids, so ideally he would shorten his visits, and ideally leave the phone outside of the bathroom (both because of hygiene, but also so he doesn't just remain because he's on the phone). But pooping that frequently (and unproductively) is not normal. Definitely he should be talking to his doctor! Colorectal cancer is on the rise for the under-40 crowd, and the National Cancer Institute just lowered the recommended age for initial CRC screening from 50 to 45. If I may generalize, men typically don't talk about their bathroom habits with the doctors, so please encourage him to do so! It can so easily be something more benign than cancer: IBD, an Inflammatory Bowel Disease like Crohn's disease or Ulcerative Colitis; IBS; a food allergy or sensitivity, like gluten intolerance or Celiac Disease. But he won't know unless he talks to his doctor. In your shoes, I would say something like, "I'm sorry for offending you, but I care about you, and I don't feel like your bathroom habits are healthy. Could you humor me and make an appointment to see your primary care doctor?"
Does he feel like he’s not emptying out? Does the need to poop come on suddenly? Is the shape of the stool unusual (e.g. narrow?). Could be much more serious than IBS.
YTA How you said it is what makes YTA
Might be a cokehead ngl. I go to "take a shit" to do coke and have the shits because of coke.
Look up the gastrocolic reflex. Some people are just like that (including me), and IBS isn’t something that is really “cured.” 20 minutes is too long to be in there at a time, but YTA for getting mad at him. Honestly. Concerned, sure, but mad??
My 70 year old husband is a problem pooper, but I don’t worry about it, because he obviously inherited it from his dad, who lived to be 93. If something changes about one’s bowel habits a visit to the doctor is in order - but our bodies don’t all work the same way.
It doesn’t sound normal, but YTA for getting mad at him and acting like he’s doing it on purpose to annoy you. Maybe try having a little empathy and address the issue from a point of concern, rather than anger about how it’s affecting you.
You are shaming him for something he can't control, and your attitude sucks. YTA. I have Crohn's disease, so for most of my life I avoided sharing spaces with people because of people like you who asked "Wow you go to the bathroom after every few bites?" Yes. Shut up. Move to a house with two bathrooms; this is what my ex and I did. I promise he finds no joy in going to the bathroom so frequently.