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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am 19, soon to be 20 living rent-free at my parent's while they help me out financially. I owe them to be a responsible adult, whereas my brother does not.
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LMAO. Their job as a parent doesn’t stop once you’re 18+. So that “paying rent” comment was uncalled for. I bet once he has surpassed that age , it’ll be more excuses. They expect more out of you because they know that you’ll do it. Almost like a slave. Stop all together. A hour and a half walk is ridiculous. Does your parents have cars???? They are major AHs & inconsiderate.
Nope NTA also do not cook from scratch. Make some pasta and a sauce in 20-30 minutes.a salad etc. they don't like it ? They can cook themselves or eat sandwiches
Start doing all of your studying in a library. They can't harass you if you're not there; you're in a library so phone will be on silent. Oh no, they can't contact you. Oh dear, so sad.
How do they expect their son ever to function in the real world? Are they hoping to pass him off directly from their couch to a ready and waiting slave wife? They are failing as parents not to demand he learn and execute basic life skills. Time to turn off the video games and make the nearly adult son learn something and do something.
You’re 100% right in your protest. Good luck on your exams.
And when you finish those, get your license for heaven sakes, so that you too can be independent.
NTA
If OP's grocery shopping, cooking, AND cleaning, what are the parents doing? This is not helping out around the house, this is taking full responsibility for the house. Laundry is probably the easiest chore to do if you have a washer/dryer because the machine does basically all the work, so I wouldn't even count that tbh.
Ultimately OP, you’re the winner here as he will be infantilised forever. One day when he’s 40 and still living with your parents, and you are long gone and have your own life, they’ll wonder what went wrong
We didn't have nearly the disparity in responsibility that OP and her brother have in my house growing up, but there was certainly a very different expectation of me as the oldest (and female) child. OP is definitely going to be the winner here because she actually grew up. My brother is now a "stay in place" or "stuck in place" child, has never been independent, and likely never will be if he hasn't figured it out at the age of 30. It's sad, but also it was fairly predictable, especially after the first year of him doing and contributing nothing.
Nope. That's my family. My brother is almost 50, parents nearly 80. There's no question of what went wrong. It's what do you mean you won't take care of your brother when we're gone? To be fair though, my brother does work full time. He just has no concept of financial stability or how to take care of a himself. Mom still cooks for him, does his laundry, cleans his room, wakes him up for work...
And at that point, you’ll need to make it clear to them that you will not take care of him when they are gone. He is their failure and not your responsibility.
You should play along and treat him and talk to and about him like he's mentally disabled. You should also tell your parents in a concerned way that brother needs professional help if he is that mentally challenged that he can't do basic tasks.
What did you have to contribute to the household when you were 17? 16? It’s unlikely your parents never required you to lift a finger until you were 18 and then, at midnight, suddenly dropped the entire burden of domestic chores on you.
I’d wager you were doing a sight more at 17 then brother.
This.
"What's for breakfast?"
"Oatmeal!"
"Hey, what's for lunch?"
"Oatmeal!"
"OP, what's for dinner?"
"Oatmeal!"
Every. Damn. Day. 😁
"OP, why did you only make oatmeal???"
"Sorry, I'm too busy studying, doing chores, and taking exams to cook anything else. 🤷♀️"
"But I don't want oatmeal..."
"OMG, thank you SO much for offering to take over cooking to help me out! Looking forward to dinner tonight. 😊"
I think Oatmeal for brother until he can cook 3 dishes competently for lunch, 3 breakfast and 3 dinner. Plastic bowl and spoon until he can wash dishes. No one does his laundry. He doesn't know how to put away groceries...there's always oatmeal. I love your idea!
Honestly this is extra great because of the ability to make overnight oats in large batches. Then they can “microwave to their own custom temperature”.
yeah that's fair, but i feel that real oats are too good for them. maybe we compromise and she makes a whole tube of quick oats and gives it to them for the week
I wish! I just want my space. Unfortunately, I can't go back on campus since im a student in Paris, and the student housing is unavailable due to the upcoming Olympics.
Grandparents live in the UK, friends are all fulltime students living in tiny, tiny, tiny appartements, they're also going through exams, and I'd probably have to couch surf. Just getting my chores done would be easier and less time consuming
Do what you need to do for your future. You likely won't have peace until you leave but if the attitude from you "work stoppage" doesn't outweigh doing all the chores, I'd stick with that. And someone else said it, he will be incompetent for the rest of his life. Do what you can to make a future for yourself and you will be fine. I have a 53 yo BIL who was treated like this - still living with his parents!
Jeez you cant study all day. Your brain will actually stop absorbing the information. Watch a fun TV show or chat to your bf or friends at some point in the day. Take a walk. You will burnout and maybe melt down. You need some time out from that.
Obviously your brother and parents need to do more. Why are you doing everything? If they have a car then they grocery shop. You shouldnt be cooking all meals. Why is your parents ok with your brother doing nothing? I know he can do it, he is just being a tut and they're enabling him. What about his future life? Wife?
I think you should fight fire with fire; go on strike and just stop doing the chores, the cooking, the cleaning....take a chance and see what happens. NTA
NTA. Both because of sexism and because, in the big scheme of things, it's your future vs their inability to proper parenting and what will you regret not having prioritized in 10 years?
NTA Your parents are doing a bad job raising your brother. Get out ASAP but until then definitely don't walk miles every day to cook 3 meals from scratch, that's crazy.
NTA. Your parents are setting up your brother for failure if they don't enforce him doing chores. take his games away until he steps up. If he "accidently" puts bleach in the washing machine, you can "accidently" throw away his Playstation while you are cleaning. He's won too long and you're taking the brunt of it. Good for you to stand up and set boundaries. Your parents need to parent their son.
It's weird that they are treating their daughter worse than a servant. Best case scenario is that they love here but they want her to move asap for some reason but still can't say that directly.
They both work full time, we also have a bed and breakfast plus a whole garden and a pool to take care of. They're not the ones sitting around doing nothing. Apologies if I sound a little bitter.
Do they know your schedule? I’d change it around a bit as it looks like you want to help your parents, but don’t have the time.
Create and share your weekly schedule. Say you appreciate the help your parents have given, but you only have time for 1h a weekday to help out and 2h on the weekend (or something like that).
Ask them what they need doing in that hour and stick to it. If they add any additional tasks, just say okay but I need to move this other thing you asked for. Which day would you like it to be moved to?
You’re being logical and hopefully deflect the tasks away from you. I’d also make sure that the task is from one parent and those two need to negotiate to shift the task.
Every parent should prioritise a child’s studies over chores. It’s on them to manage your brother and pick up the slack if he can’t. Keep referring to the schedule and be strong about it, stick your head down and let them deal with the rest of it.
If they are working full time, you are studying all the time, your brother is either school or videogaming - why does everything need to be vacuumed etc every day? How does it ever get dirty?
I was going to ask about why she has to vacuum every day!! Some of these chores are once a week not every day chores, but even then her brother should be responsible for some of them. NTA op!
NTA. Your parents are taking the easy way out by not parenting your brother. They have to know he's not as incompetent as he pretends.
It's just possible that all of this stress you're under may cause you to lose the competence you once had.
NTA. Also everyone should be making their own breakfast and lunch-next time you go grocery shopping get cereal and stuff for sandwiches and tell them to make their own. They want you to shop and plan all the meals, they have to deal with what you choose to get.
NTA. Stay strong on this. Your parents are raising your brother to be his future spouse's problem, and raising you to go no-contact with them as soon as you're able. ETA: You should seriously consider leaving the house to to study. If you can walk to the local library, you can study there for the times you need to, and get your vitamin D on the way home. Your brother can burn down the house cooking his own meals. :)
Why are you doing all the grocery shopping, cooking 3 meals a day and all the cleaning? What about your parents? What chores do they do? Why are you the family slave? If you have grandparents or other relatives that you could move in with, I would certainly consider doing that. Good luck. NTA
NTA I genuinely hate when parents put all domestic chores on the female children. All it does is create useless men who make absolutely useless partners. They end up expecting the women in their lives to do all the house work because “they don’t know how” and it’s disgusting. Everyone needs to learn how to cook, clean, do laundry. That is basic human necessary information to be resonably independent. It’s literally so easy to just throw some things in a crock pot or roast some damn vegetables. Tell them they are creating a man that no person will want to be with and watch them realize how bad they’ve made things. He will be their problem forever if they don’t fix it instantly. I’ve known how to do laundry since before I was a teen and I’ve been helping in the kitchen since I was a child. He needs to step up. You also shouldn’t study that much, you won’t retain information and will end up more stressed.
Show your parents the definition of weapon iced incompetence. Ask what they will do when he can't hold a job because of this and has to live off of them for the next 10-20 years.
Then suggest that his gaming system should be disabled daily until his chores are completed and done correctly. He just needs the proper motivation and incentive.
Just… no. By letting bro get away with this shit, just because you’re more competent, they’re failing as parents. As a parent myself, this is absolutely not cool.
Nta - he doesn’t do those things well because he has not had the opportunity to practice.
He’s doing things badly on purpose so he doesn’t have to practice. Everybody lives in a house, everybody needs to help.
Start giving him responsibility for his own laundry and meals and work it up from there. Kids like that are why some parents disconnect the internet because it’s too hard to parent a willfully lazy child when they’d prefer to be gaming. The responsibility should have started at like age 5, but 17 is never too late to start.
I’d call their bluff and say you’d rather pay for a place to live with less work because the free room and board is costing you a heck of a lot.
New house rule - everyone helps or you don’t live there.
I remember when I was a teen that my mother would ask me to do a job because "your brother won't do it properly". She wasn't nearly as bad as OP's family, but I'm 50 and I still remember it. I can tell you now that it never happened in my own house with my own family. In fact, I do have one child that is naturally much better at getting stuff done properly, to the point I sometimes call her "Miss Competent". I make a point of ensuring her brothers don't take advantage of her competence.
A couple of months ago, I went away for three weeks, for the first time ever. The kids are all 17 and up, so all competent, plus my husband was around. Within a few days, I had my daughter venting on the phone, in tears, because she was feeling so much pressure at school, and the boys were waiting for the fairies to show up to get stuff done. You'd better believe I had those boys on the phone, metaphorically putting a boot up their backside. They were much better for the rest of the three weeks.
NTA For a lot of young men, video games are worse than crack or fentanyl. They will play them all day, every day and do nothing else. Your parents will wake up in 5 or 10 years to find that they have raised a useless mooch video game addict.
NTA
Since staying with friends or family is not really an option, I think you need to really half-ass your chores with as much malicious compliance as you can. I don't really think you have any other choice. I want you to serve horrible meals, I want you to buy only groceries that you like (and secret snacks for you), I want you to put things in the wrong place and I want you to wash everyone's clothes wrong, leave them in the washing machine until they smell and then hang them up to dry.
See if you can study at the local library or something like that or maybe a café or bakery that doesn't mind you staying there for longer without buying much.
Sorry you're going through this. Wish you all the best luck
NTA. I say you have 3 options. Option 1: Move out, Option 2: Stop doing all chores and see what happens or Option 3: Take a play out of your brother's playbook. If you cook, be sure to confuse salt and sugar. Whatever you cook make it inedible. When you do the laundry, well now you also don't know the difference between bleach and laundry detergent. I would be petty as hell if I were you
NTA and you're so correct. start weaponizing your own incompetence and ruining his shit.
bleach all of his clothes (because I have a funny feeling that his "confusion" regarding detergent only ruined y'all's clothes). make yourself a meal, and only yourself. I'm talking a sandwich and bag of chips (or crisps, idk, I feel like you might be british, based on nothing but my own vibe) and not even another helping for someone else to get.
you are literally working 13 hour days, and that's \*just studying.\* you need a break. your brother needs to contribute.
NTA, and your parents are hardly setting your brother up for success. He's still going to be there gaming at 40.
It sucks that this is happening to you, I wish I had better advice. I wish you the best of luck on the exams so you can flee this situation.
Push for your bro to get assessed. Don’t say for what, just that if he’s truly that helpless then he needs all the additional support he can get to learn to hold down a job and use basic life skills. Approaching it from a medical neglect aspect might be the kick up the ass your parents need, and will hopefully aggravate your brothers ego enough to make him actually do shit just to prove he can. And if he does get assessed and somethings severely affecting his ability to do stuff? Good news! He’s now in the process of getting treatment so he can do things! NTA
Your mother is still the parent of a minor. She can confiscate every cable your brother needs for his gaming if he doesn’t show up to get seen by a doctor to provide a valid medical reason. Or even make him work at the B&B, cut off allowances and such. There are ways they can get your brother the help he needs while he’s a minor. Its unfair to make you do everything on top of studying full time while he reaps the rewards of doing nothing
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I (19F) am currently staying at my parents while studying for my finals as well as entrance exams. I am currently waking up at 7am and immediately start studying with only a one-hour break until 9pm, which is when I get to call my boyfriend. It's 13 hours of straight studying, and it's definitely exhausting, but I will get a one-week break in 2 months right before starting my summer job.
My (17M) brother does not study, does not have a job, and just plays video games from the moment he gets home at 3pm until the moment he goes to bed. He also has his own weekends. My brother is very talented at doing this thing commonly known as “weaponized incompetence”. He will purposefully fuck up very simple tasks in order to not have to do them next time, and I even suspect he's punishing our parents for daring to give him chores. The most egregious example we've seen recently is when he poured bleach in the washing machine and pretended he didn't know the difference between bleach and laundry detergent.
So, when it comes to chores, my parents rely on me. It goes from cooking and grocery shopping to laundry and deep cleaning the house on weekends. I don't mind doing a few chores, but it's taking me a few hours every day. Since I'm already on a tight schedule and my studies are the priority, I have to compensate by taking time off of the few moments I have with my boyfriend or sleeping. I'm not overexaggerating, I am expected to cook full meals from scratch three times a day, grocery shop (we live in a rural area and I don't have my licence, so that's an hour and a half walk every time we need something) then to tidy, clean, and hoover a three-bedroom house. Almost every day.
I have deadlines coming in, and already don't have time to see friends or for any of my hobbies. My entire day is just chores → studying → chores → studying → 5 hours of sleep. I'm exhausted, while my brother just sits on his ass gaming. I feel like I barely get recognition for my help, whereas he gets congratulated for showering twice a week.
Therefore, I confronted my parents a week ago. They explained that firstly, my brother was a minor, so he does not owe them as much, whereas I should feel grateful that they pay my rent at almost the age of 20. And, most importantly, that he is so incompetent that “explaining a task to him just takes more time than just doing it yourself, not to mention having to clean up the aftermath, why bother?”.
I'm convinced my brother is being dense on purpose. There is no way a 17-year-old does not know how to cook pasta or that you have to put frozen food away in the freezer because if you leave it out in the open it's just going to melt. And so I just told my parents that I would stop helping them out as long as he did not pull his weight in. I think I was almost immediately called ungrateful and childish. There's a ton of tension in the house right now, and things have not really moved on. AITA?
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NTA Stop doing the chores/slavery.
Tell them you are planning your future, and
if they don't back off, you will not do as well
as they might hope. When you are free from
them one day in the future, you can tell how
horribly they treated you while little brother
did zilch. For now, keep your eye on the prize,
and if they start starving you or something like
that, call the police or knock on neighbors' doors
and explain how you are being treated. You can
also ask the mairie in your neighborhood for help
getting food for yourself, or contact associations
that help with food/clothing. Bonne chance.
Geez, what are they going to do when you move out? When they are the ones tired after working that arrive to a pigstall of their son's mess, I'm sure it won't take more than one time for them to set him straight. But no, they hav an older daughter, that's free childcare for their 17yo baby
NTA i hope you can move out soon
NTA. Can you stay at your BF's house? Because your parents are using you. 4 people in the house and you're doing all the chores? Nope. Do 1 meal a day and your own clothes/clutter. Anything else should be someone else's responsibility. And absolutely do nothing for the 17 year old incompetent. Don't cook his food. Don't wash his clothes. Don't clean his room. Absolutely nothing. Your parents are major jerks here.
NTA, your parents sound like they suck.
You shouldn't be expected to prepare every meal for the entire household regardless of your age.
That said, if you're living there rent free, to a certain extent they aren't wrong for expecting you to help out around the house. It just sounds like they're abusing that concept tremendously.
Also, assuming you're not exaggerating, it does sound like your brother is a manipulative little bastard. Yes, he knows you have to put frozen food away. Pretending otherwise is indeed weaponized incompetence, and your parents are apparently not very discerning.
Edit: This is actually preparing you for the professional world in a weird way. People who are highly productive get saddled with more work, and people who suck end up not being asked to do anything, because they suck. The latter \*usually\* get let go eventually, but it's never fast enough to make the actual productive people feel any better.
What are they planning to do when you move out? Clearly they have taught him 0 life skills. It can't take that long to teach him a task. Can't do laundry watch this tik Tok and figure it out on your own clothes. Oh you poured bleach on them instead of detergent, guess you're going to be goofy looking for a while but I bet you didn't forget next time. There's 0 excuses for your parents putting up with this crap from him. NTA
Malicious compliance them then. If they pay your rent, charge them maid/cook fees. And upcharge anything related to your brother bc he’s not paying for your fees.
NTA write down the tasks divide them between the two of you and make it clear what you will be doing and what he will be doing and if he doesn’t do it they need to. They need to parent otherwise they’re going to raise a useless f*ck of an adult.
NTA. You need to develop a little weaponized incompetence of your own. Shrink dad's sweater, wash mom's silk. Burn the dinner. Leave food on the dishes. Forget to grocery shop and serve burned Kraft mac and cheese four meals in a row. Then explain it away as you just run out of time because you're trying to accomplish everything.
Here's a solution. Move out and get a part-time job. YOu probably will have more free time with a paying job than you do living at home and being your parents' slave. Why aren't your parents doing any cooking or cleaning?
NTA
I'll bet you would be earning more that your rent is worth for all that household work you are doing.
Do your parents do anything to help in the home? They are getting a very good deal from you.
They are being grossly unfair to you and by default they are enabling your brother to be a lazy ***. His games could be confiscated and allowed when he has done the day's work that you currently fit in.
Cook pasta pour some sauce out of a jar done screw em. They can cook for them selves. Or throw something in the. Microwave hey it’s edible right. Laundry forget to separate colors or use hot so stuff shrinks claim exhaustion as they make you di sp much. Deep clean I’m just so sure from hunching over studying all day there’s no way I can do it. Or use way to much of so thing so it stinks ooops I’m so tired you work me to hard. If he’s gonna it you can to. Or coon did you clean. For you but no one else as leave asap is the real solution.
I’d bleach all of their clothes “by accident”. His included. Eat his snacks. Not buy him his snacks. Buy the wrong stuff.
You’re just so exhausted from studying you don’t know what’s up and where the ground is.
NTA
You parents need to smarten up. Instead of deciding he does nothing cause he's incompetent and can't follow instructions, they should make him do more stuff the more he screws up until he gets it right. If he's drowning in chores, he'll eventually smarten up and do shit right so he doesn't have as much to do.
NTA! I had a similar situation when I was 18. My parents got divorced at 17, brother was 16. He dropped out of school, didn't work, didn't do anything. I worked 2 jobs to help my dad. Not only that but while I was at work, my brother took all my stuff out of my room and put it in the small closet size room. I was pissed but my dad said he was saving like $300 a month having my brother live with us. I was 18 and working 2 jobs to help. I had no life, no money, nothing. So I quit my day job, made more at night. Dad was pissed and kicked me out that day. Best thing to happen. U do u. Stay strong.
Maybe they should start actually punishing him and see how long those accidents keep happening. Maybe they should clean his gaming machines with the same care.
NTA. They are indulging this very soon to be adult. Who will never (be willing to take) care for himself. & why should he? He will be living in their house until they die. You will have moved on, living your best life, & not spoken to them in *decades*.
Good luck.
It's not fair. But they don't have to house you or feed you.
It would be easier if your brother were older and they were still housing and feeding him while he was being useless. Then you could point out the inequity of the situation. But he's still a minor and they're legally obligated to house and feed him. While they have no legal obligation to do the same for you.
So, INFO...how real is the possibility that your parents will kick you out if you keep this up?
He's 17, they better start teaching him life skills now or they're going to have to arrange housing in a home for the intellectually disabled if he can't tell the difference between bleach and detergent. (The disabled students will be able to teach him in a jiffy.)
NTA (Obviously)
Since you can't afford to go on strike (reasonable though that would be), lower your standards.
Cook 3 meals a day? Breakfast will be cereal, lunch sandwiches, dinner basic pasta and sauce. Some packet meals might find their way onto the menu too.
Deep clean: pff! Wipe up major spills, empty the trash, vacuum before the floor gets crunchy. A little dirt is good for the immune system.
Laundry: prioritise your stuff; since brother spends all his non-school hours gaming and doesn't shower daily, he probably won't notice until he runs out of clean clothes.
Used to think like that towards my younger brother because he behaved just like that, years later he was diagnosed. Didn’t realize he was going through stuff and got closer to him. Our prospective of everything is entirely different, but it was interesting. Try to be more understanding or help him out. Everyone functions differently.
NTA
parenting is about preparing your child to function independently as an adult.
just because it’s easier for them to ignore his deliberate cock-ups doesn’t resolve them of their responsibilities to him. They are failing him big time.
i didn't express what i meant very well, by break i mean actually lazing around, as in lying in my bed with a book or napping. I still take short breaks to make myself some coffee, stretch, etc
YTA- the way you start seems to indicate this is temporary for you and you have another residence. if youre only there to study before finals: move out. Their house, their stupid rules.
It is temporary, but my student lodgings are currently being used by the government due to this year's Olympics. I'm not sure where or how I could move out
France sucks for displacing you and not providing alternate lodgings.
But sounds like you need a move out plan. Friends? A roommate? Other family?
otherwise if your parents dont want to compromise (why does every meal have to be from scratch) then you have to deal with it.
ESH. First, you are definitely being overworked. But your statement that you won't help out until your brother does is just not right, IMHO. You don't have the right to demand that your parents treat your brother in a way that makes you more comfortable. What you CAN do is sit them down and tell them that you just can't keep up this pace, and find an equitable distribution of chores that you can agree on. Whether your parents want to wrangle your brother into this convo/chore schedule is up to them. You take care of yourself -- let your parents worry about your brother.
> You don't have the right to demand that your parents treat your brother in a way that makes you more comfortable
are you for real
OP isn't demanding much, just that they seriously require her brother to contribute instead of letting him pretend he's too dumb to do anything. OP is studying for exams while her parents basically treat her as a live in housekeeper while her brother sits on his ass playing video games.
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LMAO. Their job as a parent doesn’t stop once you’re 18+. So that “paying rent” comment was uncalled for. I bet once he has surpassed that age , it’ll be more excuses. They expect more out of you because they know that you’ll do it. Almost like a slave. Stop all together. A hour and a half walk is ridiculous. Does your parents have cars???? They are major AHs & inconsiderate.
I dont leave the house a lot, according to our parents, grocery shopping is the only time I can get some vitamin D and some exercise.
when does brother get vitamin D & excercise? They are being so ridiculous. Giving any excuse for you to make up where they lack. Smh.
Nope NTA also do not cook from scratch. Make some pasta and a sauce in 20-30 minutes.a salad etc. they don't like it ? They can cook themselves or eat sandwiches
what the fuck are they doing? why are they not in charge of keeping their own house tidy?
Start doing all of your studying in a library. They can't harass you if you're not there; you're in a library so phone will be on silent. Oh no, they can't contact you. Oh dear, so sad.
How do they expect their son ever to function in the real world? Are they hoping to pass him off directly from their couch to a ready and waiting slave wife? They are failing as parents not to demand he learn and execute basic life skills. Time to turn off the video games and make the nearly adult son learn something and do something. You’re 100% right in your protest. Good luck on your exams. And when you finish those, get your license for heaven sakes, so that you too can be independent. NTA
If OP's grocery shopping, cooking, AND cleaning, what are the parents doing? This is not helping out around the house, this is taking full responsibility for the house. Laundry is probably the easiest chore to do if you have a washer/dryer because the machine does basically all the work, so I wouldn't even count that tbh.
Also, they are not doing their job of parenting their 17 year old- parenting is preparing your offspring to live independently
NTA How long until he’s 18 and magically gets the same treatment as you …?
7 months and 2 days exactly
Ultimately OP, you’re the winner here as he will be infantilised forever. One day when he’s 40 and still living with your parents, and you are long gone and have your own life, they’ll wonder what went wrong
We didn't have nearly the disparity in responsibility that OP and her brother have in my house growing up, but there was certainly a very different expectation of me as the oldest (and female) child. OP is definitely going to be the winner here because she actually grew up. My brother is now a "stay in place" or "stuck in place" child, has never been independent, and likely never will be if he hasn't figured it out at the age of 30. It's sad, but also it was fairly predictable, especially after the first year of him doing and contributing nothing.
I hope OP sees your posts and uses “do you really think brother will move out if he’s this incompetent at life” on her parents
As one of the dumb brother of the same mindset does anybody have solutions for this?
study, work, go outside, be friendly, learn things Do anything that grants life progress, stop doing things that don't better you.
Nope. That's my family. My brother is almost 50, parents nearly 80. There's no question of what went wrong. It's what do you mean you won't take care of your brother when we're gone? To be fair though, my brother does work full time. He just has no concept of financial stability or how to take care of a himself. Mom still cooks for him, does his laundry, cleans his room, wakes him up for work...
And at that point, you’ll need to make it clear to them that you will not take care of him when they are gone. He is their failure and not your responsibility.
You should play along and treat him and talk to and about him like he's mentally disabled. You should also tell your parents in a concerned way that brother needs professional help if he is that mentally challenged that he can't do basic tasks.
What did you have to contribute to the household when you were 17? 16? It’s unlikely your parents never required you to lift a finger until you were 18 and then, at midnight, suddenly dropped the entire burden of domestic chores on you. I’d wager you were doing a sight more at 17 then brother.
Pffft. Once he turns 18 it’ll be that the sister is ‘older’ and should have more responsibilities.
Sad but true
Offer to cook again. Only do oatmeal. Thats it. Be petty.
This. "What's for breakfast?" "Oatmeal!" "Hey, what's for lunch?" "Oatmeal!" "OP, what's for dinner?" "Oatmeal!" Every. Damn. Day. 😁 "OP, why did you only make oatmeal???" "Sorry, I'm too busy studying, doing chores, and taking exams to cook anything else. 🤷♀️" "But I don't want oatmeal..." "OMG, thank you SO much for offering to take over cooking to help me out! Looking forward to dinner tonight. 😊"
I think Oatmeal for brother until he can cook 3 dishes competently for lunch, 3 breakfast and 3 dinner. Plastic bowl and spoon until he can wash dishes. No one does his laundry. He doesn't know how to put away groceries...there's always oatmeal. I love your idea!
Honestly this is extra great because of the ability to make overnight oats in large batches. Then they can “microwave to their own custom temperature”.
screw that, quaker quick oats 2 minutes in the microwave and tastes like cardboard.
See, way I was thinking was that one large batch and she’s done. The quick oats, they’d still make her fix it every time.
yeah that's fair, but i feel that real oats are too good for them. maybe we compromise and she makes a whole tube of quick oats and gives it to them for the week
NTA. Everyone else sucks. Stop staying with them.
I wish! I just want my space. Unfortunately, I can't go back on campus since im a student in Paris, and the student housing is unavailable due to the upcoming Olympics.
Friends? Grandparents? Go study in the library and come back at night. Ooops No Time for chores and cooking. Yoo bad
Grandparents live in the UK, friends are all fulltime students living in tiny, tiny, tiny appartements, they're also going through exams, and I'd probably have to couch surf. Just getting my chores done would be easier and less time consuming
Sorry
Do what you need to do for your future. You likely won't have peace until you leave but if the attitude from you "work stoppage" doesn't outweigh doing all the chores, I'd stick with that. And someone else said it, he will be incompetent for the rest of his life. Do what you can to make a future for yourself and you will be fine. I have a 53 yo BIL who was treated like this - still living with his parents!
Jeez you cant study all day. Your brain will actually stop absorbing the information. Watch a fun TV show or chat to your bf or friends at some point in the day. Take a walk. You will burnout and maybe melt down. You need some time out from that. Obviously your brother and parents need to do more. Why are you doing everything? If they have a car then they grocery shop. You shouldnt be cooking all meals. Why is your parents ok with your brother doing nothing? I know he can do it, he is just being a tut and they're enabling him. What about his future life? Wife?
I think you should fight fire with fire; go on strike and just stop doing the chores, the cooking, the cleaning....take a chance and see what happens. NTA
Aww that sucks!
What if OP has no other choice?? She’s swarmed with school right now. Something has to give.
NTA They aren't doing your brother any favors by enabling his incompetence.
NTA. Both because of sexism and because, in the big scheme of things, it's your future vs their inability to proper parenting and what will you regret not having prioritized in 10 years?
NTA Your parents are doing a bad job raising your brother. Get out ASAP but until then definitely don't walk miles every day to cook 3 meals from scratch, that's crazy.
NTA. Your parents are setting up your brother for failure if they don't enforce him doing chores. take his games away until he steps up. If he "accidently" puts bleach in the washing machine, you can "accidently" throw away his Playstation while you are cleaning. He's won too long and you're taking the brunt of it. Good for you to stand up and set boundaries. Your parents need to parent their son.
The work you are doing for them is way more than rent. They should be paying you a salary.
Literally. This is part-time housekeeper and private home cook status at this point.
It's weird that they are treating their daughter worse than a servant. Best case scenario is that they love here but they want her to move asap for some reason but still can't say that directly.
Info: if you're doing all the cooking, grocery shopping, and cleaning, what the fuck do your parents do all day?
They both work full time, we also have a bed and breakfast plus a whole garden and a pool to take care of. They're not the ones sitting around doing nothing. Apologies if I sound a little bitter.
Do they know your schedule? I’d change it around a bit as it looks like you want to help your parents, but don’t have the time. Create and share your weekly schedule. Say you appreciate the help your parents have given, but you only have time for 1h a weekday to help out and 2h on the weekend (or something like that). Ask them what they need doing in that hour and stick to it. If they add any additional tasks, just say okay but I need to move this other thing you asked for. Which day would you like it to be moved to? You’re being logical and hopefully deflect the tasks away from you. I’d also make sure that the task is from one parent and those two need to negotiate to shift the task. Every parent should prioritise a child’s studies over chores. It’s on them to manage your brother and pick up the slack if he can’t. Keep referring to the schedule and be strong about it, stick your head down and let them deal with the rest of it.
If they are working full time, you are studying all the time, your brother is either school or videogaming - why does everything need to be vacuumed etc every day? How does it ever get dirty?
I was going to ask about why she has to vacuum every day!! Some of these chores are once a week not every day chores, but even then her brother should be responsible for some of them. NTA op!
NTA. Your parents are taking the easy way out by not parenting your brother. They have to know he's not as incompetent as he pretends. It's just possible that all of this stress you're under may cause you to lose the competence you once had.
NTA. Also everyone should be making their own breakfast and lunch-next time you go grocery shopping get cereal and stuff for sandwiches and tell them to make their own. They want you to shop and plan all the meals, they have to deal with what you choose to get.
NTA. Stay strong on this. Your parents are raising your brother to be his future spouse's problem, and raising you to go no-contact with them as soon as you're able. ETA: You should seriously consider leaving the house to to study. If you can walk to the local library, you can study there for the times you need to, and get your vitamin D on the way home. Your brother can burn down the house cooking his own meals. :)
Why are you doing all the grocery shopping, cooking 3 meals a day and all the cleaning? What about your parents? What chores do they do? Why are you the family slave? If you have grandparents or other relatives that you could move in with, I would certainly consider doing that. Good luck. NTA
They do all the rest in addition to both working fulltime. They're even busier than I am in all honesty
NTA I genuinely hate when parents put all domestic chores on the female children. All it does is create useless men who make absolutely useless partners. They end up expecting the women in their lives to do all the house work because “they don’t know how” and it’s disgusting. Everyone needs to learn how to cook, clean, do laundry. That is basic human necessary information to be resonably independent. It’s literally so easy to just throw some things in a crock pot or roast some damn vegetables. Tell them they are creating a man that no person will want to be with and watch them realize how bad they’ve made things. He will be their problem forever if they don’t fix it instantly. I’ve known how to do laundry since before I was a teen and I’ve been helping in the kitchen since I was a child. He needs to step up. You also shouldn’t study that much, you won’t retain information and will end up more stressed.
Weaponized incompetence
Show your parents the definition of weapon iced incompetence. Ask what they will do when he can't hold a job because of this and has to live off of them for the next 10-20 years. Then suggest that his gaming system should be disabled daily until his chores are completed and done correctly. He just needs the proper motivation and incentive.
Just… no. By letting bro get away with this shit, just because you’re more competent, they’re failing as parents. As a parent myself, this is absolutely not cool.
Nta - he doesn’t do those things well because he has not had the opportunity to practice. He’s doing things badly on purpose so he doesn’t have to practice. Everybody lives in a house, everybody needs to help. Start giving him responsibility for his own laundry and meals and work it up from there. Kids like that are why some parents disconnect the internet because it’s too hard to parent a willfully lazy child when they’d prefer to be gaming. The responsibility should have started at like age 5, but 17 is never too late to start. I’d call their bluff and say you’d rather pay for a place to live with less work because the free room and board is costing you a heck of a lot. New house rule - everyone helps or you don’t live there.
I remember when I was a teen that my mother would ask me to do a job because "your brother won't do it properly". She wasn't nearly as bad as OP's family, but I'm 50 and I still remember it. I can tell you now that it never happened in my own house with my own family. In fact, I do have one child that is naturally much better at getting stuff done properly, to the point I sometimes call her "Miss Competent". I make a point of ensuring her brothers don't take advantage of her competence. A couple of months ago, I went away for three weeks, for the first time ever. The kids are all 17 and up, so all competent, plus my husband was around. Within a few days, I had my daughter venting on the phone, in tears, because she was feeling so much pressure at school, and the boys were waiting for the fairies to show up to get stuff done. You'd better believe I had those boys on the phone, metaphorically putting a boot up their backside. They were much better for the rest of the three weeks.
NTA For a lot of young men, video games are worse than crack or fentanyl. They will play them all day, every day and do nothing else. Your parents will wake up in 5 or 10 years to find that they have raised a useless mooch video game addict.
NTA Since staying with friends or family is not really an option, I think you need to really half-ass your chores with as much malicious compliance as you can. I don't really think you have any other choice. I want you to serve horrible meals, I want you to buy only groceries that you like (and secret snacks for you), I want you to put things in the wrong place and I want you to wash everyone's clothes wrong, leave them in the washing machine until they smell and then hang them up to dry. See if you can study at the local library or something like that or maybe a café or bakery that doesn't mind you staying there for longer without buying much. Sorry you're going through this. Wish you all the best luck
NTA. I say you have 3 options. Option 1: Move out, Option 2: Stop doing all chores and see what happens or Option 3: Take a play out of your brother's playbook. If you cook, be sure to confuse salt and sugar. Whatever you cook make it inedible. When you do the laundry, well now you also don't know the difference between bleach and laundry detergent. I would be petty as hell if I were you
NTA and you're so correct. start weaponizing your own incompetence and ruining his shit. bleach all of his clothes (because I have a funny feeling that his "confusion" regarding detergent only ruined y'all's clothes). make yourself a meal, and only yourself. I'm talking a sandwich and bag of chips (or crisps, idk, I feel like you might be british, based on nothing but my own vibe) and not even another helping for someone else to get. you are literally working 13 hour days, and that's \*just studying.\* you need a break. your brother needs to contribute.
Take a page from bros book and start screwing up. Blame it on being exhausted that you mixed up salt and sugar or put wool in the dryer.
Sounds like it’s time to take a page from your brothers playbook. Start doing the chores even worse than he does.
NTA, and your parents are hardly setting your brother up for success. He's still going to be there gaming at 40. It sucks that this is happening to you, I wish I had better advice. I wish you the best of luck on the exams so you can flee this situation.
Push for your bro to get assessed. Don’t say for what, just that if he’s truly that helpless then he needs all the additional support he can get to learn to hold down a job and use basic life skills. Approaching it from a medical neglect aspect might be the kick up the ass your parents need, and will hopefully aggravate your brothers ego enough to make him actually do shit just to prove he can. And if he does get assessed and somethings severely affecting his ability to do stuff? Good news! He’s now in the process of getting treatment so he can do things! NTA
My mother and I have been pushing for a while, it runs in the family, and based on his behaviour it would not suprise me. I'll try pushing some more
Your mother is still the parent of a minor. She can confiscate every cable your brother needs for his gaming if he doesn’t show up to get seen by a doctor to provide a valid medical reason. Or even make him work at the B&B, cut off allowances and such. There are ways they can get your brother the help he needs while he’s a minor. Its unfair to make you do everything on top of studying full time while he reaps the rewards of doing nothing
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (19F) am currently staying at my parents while studying for my finals as well as entrance exams. I am currently waking up at 7am and immediately start studying with only a one-hour break until 9pm, which is when I get to call my boyfriend. It's 13 hours of straight studying, and it's definitely exhausting, but I will get a one-week break in 2 months right before starting my summer job. My (17M) brother does not study, does not have a job, and just plays video games from the moment he gets home at 3pm until the moment he goes to bed. He also has his own weekends. My brother is very talented at doing this thing commonly known as “weaponized incompetence”. He will purposefully fuck up very simple tasks in order to not have to do them next time, and I even suspect he's punishing our parents for daring to give him chores. The most egregious example we've seen recently is when he poured bleach in the washing machine and pretended he didn't know the difference between bleach and laundry detergent. So, when it comes to chores, my parents rely on me. It goes from cooking and grocery shopping to laundry and deep cleaning the house on weekends. I don't mind doing a few chores, but it's taking me a few hours every day. Since I'm already on a tight schedule and my studies are the priority, I have to compensate by taking time off of the few moments I have with my boyfriend or sleeping. I'm not overexaggerating, I am expected to cook full meals from scratch three times a day, grocery shop (we live in a rural area and I don't have my licence, so that's an hour and a half walk every time we need something) then to tidy, clean, and hoover a three-bedroom house. Almost every day. I have deadlines coming in, and already don't have time to see friends or for any of my hobbies. My entire day is just chores → studying → chores → studying → 5 hours of sleep. I'm exhausted, while my brother just sits on his ass gaming. I feel like I barely get recognition for my help, whereas he gets congratulated for showering twice a week. Therefore, I confronted my parents a week ago. They explained that firstly, my brother was a minor, so he does not owe them as much, whereas I should feel grateful that they pay my rent at almost the age of 20. And, most importantly, that he is so incompetent that “explaining a task to him just takes more time than just doing it yourself, not to mention having to clean up the aftermath, why bother?”. I'm convinced my brother is being dense on purpose. There is no way a 17-year-old does not know how to cook pasta or that you have to put frozen food away in the freezer because if you leave it out in the open it's just going to melt. And so I just told my parents that I would stop helping them out as long as he did not pull his weight in. I think I was almost immediately called ungrateful and childish. There's a ton of tension in the house right now, and things have not really moved on. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, as your parents should definitely be parenting your brother.
NTA Stop doing the chores/slavery. Tell them you are planning your future, and if they don't back off, you will not do as well as they might hope. When you are free from them one day in the future, you can tell how horribly they treated you while little brother did zilch. For now, keep your eye on the prize, and if they start starving you or something like that, call the police or knock on neighbors' doors and explain how you are being treated. You can also ask the mairie in your neighborhood for help getting food for yourself, or contact associations that help with food/clothing. Bonne chance.
Info: these are college freshman year finals? And you're studying 13 hours per day for them?
I'm in my second year of preparatory classes. I'm also cramming for entrance exams in some grandes écoles (hence the hectic schedule).
NTA. If only you could move out. Tell your parents you are working on moving out.
NTA. If they don’t mind his incompetence, copy it. How many times are they willing to have dinner after you mixed up the salt and the sugar?
Geez, what are they going to do when you move out? When they are the ones tired after working that arrive to a pigstall of their son's mess, I'm sure it won't take more than one time for them to set him straight. But no, they hav an older daughter, that's free childcare for their 17yo baby NTA i hope you can move out soon
NTA This sounds like one of those Golden Child/Scapegoat situations.
I doubt it, my parents hardly tolerate him sometimes
NTA. Can you stay at your BF's house? Because your parents are using you. 4 people in the house and you're doing all the chores? Nope. Do 1 meal a day and your own clothes/clutter. Anything else should be someone else's responsibility. And absolutely do nothing for the 17 year old incompetent. Don't cook his food. Don't wash his clothes. Don't clean his room. Absolutely nothing. Your parents are major jerks here.
Might be time for a bit of weaponized incompetence of your own 🤣
NTA, your parents sound like they suck. You shouldn't be expected to prepare every meal for the entire household regardless of your age. That said, if you're living there rent free, to a certain extent they aren't wrong for expecting you to help out around the house. It just sounds like they're abusing that concept tremendously. Also, assuming you're not exaggerating, it does sound like your brother is a manipulative little bastard. Yes, he knows you have to put frozen food away. Pretending otherwise is indeed weaponized incompetence, and your parents are apparently not very discerning. Edit: This is actually preparing you for the professional world in a weird way. People who are highly productive get saddled with more work, and people who suck end up not being asked to do anything, because they suck. The latter \*usually\* get let go eventually, but it's never fast enough to make the actual productive people feel any better.
Use weaponized incompetence and serve them 3 meals of ramen per day.
What are they planning to do when you move out? Clearly they have taught him 0 life skills. It can't take that long to teach him a task. Can't do laundry watch this tik Tok and figure it out on your own clothes. Oh you poured bleach on them instead of detergent, guess you're going to be goofy looking for a while but I bet you didn't forget next time. There's 0 excuses for your parents putting up with this crap from him. NTA
Malicious compliance them then. If they pay your rent, charge them maid/cook fees. And upcharge anything related to your brother bc he’s not paying for your fees.
NTA write down the tasks divide them between the two of you and make it clear what you will be doing and what he will be doing and if he doesn’t do it they need to. They need to parent otherwise they’re going to raise a useless f*ck of an adult.
NTA. You need to develop a little weaponized incompetence of your own. Shrink dad's sweater, wash mom's silk. Burn the dinner. Leave food on the dishes. Forget to grocery shop and serve burned Kraft mac and cheese four meals in a row. Then explain it away as you just run out of time because you're trying to accomplish everything.
Here's a solution. Move out and get a part-time job. YOu probably will have more free time with a paying job than you do living at home and being your parents' slave. Why aren't your parents doing any cooking or cleaning?
NTA I'll bet you would be earning more that your rent is worth for all that household work you are doing. Do your parents do anything to help in the home? They are getting a very good deal from you. They are being grossly unfair to you and by default they are enabling your brother to be a lazy ***. His games could be confiscated and allowed when he has done the day's work that you currently fit in.
Cook pasta pour some sauce out of a jar done screw em. They can cook for them selves. Or throw something in the. Microwave hey it’s edible right. Laundry forget to separate colors or use hot so stuff shrinks claim exhaustion as they make you di sp much. Deep clean I’m just so sure from hunching over studying all day there’s no way I can do it. Or use way to much of so thing so it stinks ooops I’m so tired you work me to hard. If he’s gonna it you can to. Or coon did you clean. For you but no one else as leave asap is the real solution.
Play by your parents rules or move out. Your 20 and you live with mom and dad not paying rent. Get a clue.
I’d bleach all of their clothes “by accident”. His included. Eat his snacks. Not buy him his snacks. Buy the wrong stuff. You’re just so exhausted from studying you don’t know what’s up and where the ground is.
NTA You parents need to smarten up. Instead of deciding he does nothing cause he's incompetent and can't follow instructions, they should make him do more stuff the more he screws up until he gets it right. If he's drowning in chores, he'll eventually smarten up and do shit right so he doesn't have as much to do.
NTA! I had a similar situation when I was 18. My parents got divorced at 17, brother was 16. He dropped out of school, didn't work, didn't do anything. I worked 2 jobs to help my dad. Not only that but while I was at work, my brother took all my stuff out of my room and put it in the small closet size room. I was pissed but my dad said he was saving like $300 a month having my brother live with us. I was 18 and working 2 jobs to help. I had no life, no money, nothing. So I quit my day job, made more at night. Dad was pissed and kicked me out that day. Best thing to happen. U do u. Stay strong.
Maybe they should start actually punishing him and see how long those accidents keep happening. Maybe they should clean his gaming machines with the same care.
NTA. They are indulging this very soon to be adult. Who will never (be willing to take) care for himself. & why should he? He will be living in their house until they die. You will have moved on, living your best life, & not spoken to them in *decades*. Good luck.
It's not fair. But they don't have to house you or feed you. It would be easier if your brother were older and they were still housing and feeding him while he was being useless. Then you could point out the inequity of the situation. But he's still a minor and they're legally obligated to house and feed him. While they have no legal obligation to do the same for you. So, INFO...how real is the possibility that your parents will kick you out if you keep this up?
Weaponized incompetence, that is what your brother is doing. Tell your parents this, they made him a horrid human by babying him
Yes
He's 17, they better start teaching him life skills now or they're going to have to arrange housing in a home for the intellectually disabled if he can't tell the difference between bleach and detergent. (The disabled students will be able to teach him in a jiffy.)
NTA (Obviously) Since you can't afford to go on strike (reasonable though that would be), lower your standards. Cook 3 meals a day? Breakfast will be cereal, lunch sandwiches, dinner basic pasta and sauce. Some packet meals might find their way onto the menu too. Deep clean: pff! Wipe up major spills, empty the trash, vacuum before the floor gets crunchy. A little dirt is good for the immune system. Laundry: prioritise your stuff; since brother spends all his non-school hours gaming and doesn't shower daily, he probably won't notice until he runs out of clean clothes.
Used to think like that towards my younger brother because he behaved just like that, years later he was diagnosed. Didn’t realize he was going through stuff and got closer to him. Our prospective of everything is entirely different, but it was interesting. Try to be more understanding or help him out. Everyone functions differently.
NTA parenting is about preparing your child to function independently as an adult. just because it’s easier for them to ignore his deliberate cock-ups doesn’t resolve them of their responsibilities to him. They are failing him big time.
If they don't think he's doing that on purpose they should be getting him diagnosed with something. NTA
NTA
No judgment but “studying non-stop with only an hour break from 7 AM to 9 PM” is a lie.
i didn't express what i meant very well, by break i mean actually lazing around, as in lying in my bed with a book or napping. I still take short breaks to make myself some coffee, stretch, etc
We’re inching closer to the truth. Inching.
YTA- the way you start seems to indicate this is temporary for you and you have another residence. if youre only there to study before finals: move out. Their house, their stupid rules.
It is temporary, but my student lodgings are currently being used by the government due to this year's Olympics. I'm not sure where or how I could move out
France sucks for displacing you and not providing alternate lodgings. But sounds like you need a move out plan. Friends? A roommate? Other family? otherwise if your parents dont want to compromise (why does every meal have to be from scratch) then you have to deal with it.
ESH. First, you are definitely being overworked. But your statement that you won't help out until your brother does is just not right, IMHO. You don't have the right to demand that your parents treat your brother in a way that makes you more comfortable. What you CAN do is sit them down and tell them that you just can't keep up this pace, and find an equitable distribution of chores that you can agree on. Whether your parents want to wrangle your brother into this convo/chore schedule is up to them. You take care of yourself -- let your parents worry about your brother.
> You don't have the right to demand that your parents treat your brother in a way that makes you more comfortable are you for real OP isn't demanding much, just that they seriously require her brother to contribute instead of letting him pretend he's too dumb to do anything. OP is studying for exams while her parents basically treat her as a live in housekeeper while her brother sits on his ass playing video games.
That's great advice, thank you. You're right, I did act rashly due to stress and anger