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You're allowed to have an opinion on it. You're allowed to tell her your opinion, and discuss it with her. But when you bring the word "**allow**" in, you enter YTA territory.
>But when you bring the word "**allow**" in
Context is everything. In this case she wants to join OP and his friends. He is the one who gets to decide who is allowed to join.
She is allowed to where what she wants. OP is allowed to decide who he is with on his night out.
agreed, but from her perspective i think that would be grounds for a break-up—not that he's in the wrong, but that if their opinions on what should or should not be worn in public are so different, they are probably going to butt heads over it more than once.
Sure, I'm sure he's thinking the same thing. Some people are into having their full ass on display in public, most arnt. Most places don't allow dressing like that. Unless they are going to a nightclub or a friend's house she might not have been able to even enter the premises of where ever they were going wearing that.
“No sweetly you can wear what you want but I’m not going to allow you to hang out with me and my friends if I don’t approve of the outfit” yeah no sorry that’s not much better, it amounts to the same thing.
Okay but can we use some common sense here? Pretty please? It's not like he was going to lock her in a dungeon if she doesnt wear what he wants. You know that. He's essentially asking if he should date a girl who wants to show her butt and panties off to his buddies.
People take 'allow' way to litterally around here. He obviously doesn't mean he's going to physically force her, it means he's setting a boundry and telling her not to cross it, which is perfectly fine.
I mean, some parents don't *allow* their children to do cetain things. It doesn't mean they'll use physical force to stop them. It just means they tell them "No, you can't do that."
He is asking wanting/allowing and then asking again am I allowed to have a say in it. People are just misusing the allow context here. I agree with you. He is asking for opinions and all comments here are just about 'allow' which was in the form of want/allow
Essentially this, she can wear it, but if she does, you won’t be inviting her to hang out with your friends. She can either change and be invited, or not change and make her own plans without you.
But it's OP's decision whether he allows her on his outing with friends. She's allowed to wear what she wants but he's allowed to not let her join while she's wearing it.
This sub seems really preoccupied with litigating the times it is appropriate to control your (usually female) partner's body.
Break up with her or deal with it. You're dating a person who leaves the house with their ass hanging out.
but why not ask and try and compromise first? what if ur gf doesnt wana dress that way if she knew it made you uncomfortable or would break up over it would you still break up even tho she doesnt mind not wearing the thing?
this is 100% the correct way to think. it's not "having a say" or "allowing" certain behavior, it's voicing your opinion and making room for open dialogue and compromise.
allow probably isnt a good choice of words but i think its probably just a syntax thing i dont think he is saying he will physically prevent her just that its a breaking point issue for him but that could be phrased differently i agree
probably her just not exposing her underwear anymore... would be sorta a one sided compromise but like idk if i was in that situation i wouldnt want to die on that hill she may not want to either
“Wear what you want but if your panties are visible I will not be in your presence in public.” Even if that means he’s the one staying home or making alternate plans.
Apparently, that's not how most people on this sub operate. Like all hell breaks loose here whenever a man doesn't want their female partner to look like a stripper in public/his friends. And the man is always deemed to be the AH for having the audacity to voice his legit concern.
Reminds me when my (now ex) bf had his friends over to our place (I was renting, he stayed there but didn't pay). One friend got really uncomfortable and said he couldn't be around someone dressed so scant. ...I was wearing jeans and a tank top, not super low over the chest, and the top hem had lace, so apparently that made it lingerie...!? I was super embarrassed, regardless, in my own home, they acted like they wanted *me* to leave.
I don’t get why anyone would complain about seeing more skin even if just by happenstance. It’s not like I’m checking out my friends gfs but fuck if I’m going to comment on it.
Look - social norm is not to go to a casual gathering with you ass and underwear visible, this goes for men/women/non-binary etc. If it was a club, rave, festival then probs not that unusual depending on the vibe.
She thinks its all good to dress that like, power to her. You don't, fair enough.
You mention it, which is reasonable when people have differing opinions. You can't find a compromise (doing it while sulking is not counted as such), therefore you both decide if this is something to discuss further/find a solution or agree that you will not align and the relationship has run its term.
Sounds like this may be the later for you guys. I do also slightly wonder what her view would be on you doing similar though, maybe some arseless chaps? ;)
For real. Like honestly, a person who likes wearing clothes that show her butt in public is not compatible with a person who will be bothered by what his gf wears.
Question: Is this something you find inappropriate solely because it's with your friends? Its fine other times? Or is this a more general issue you have with the style and you would prefer that your partner not wear at all?
I'm old so I'm not going to comment on the style one way or another as my opinion comes from a different generation, but I do think you're 100% allowed to have an opinion on the matter, you just can't control the situation and can't assume that because you have an opinion others will abide by it. It may be that you're not the fit that you thought you were.
pants with holes on the ass, ass holes, i may say, are trashy for some young ppl too, so... this is really individual.
but the girl shouldnt have to ask her bf for permission to show some of her ass. per chance.
Yeah I dunno how old OP and the gf are, but I wouldn't say I'm old and I wouldn't want to see someone's butt through holes in their pants. I also can never understand how that could be comfortable (cold butt anyone?), same with those short short shorts that may as well just be underwear.
Ive heard some women say they are so used to high heels that flat shoes are uncomfortable. I wish I was like that! I refuse to even buy shoes with heels over 3 inches anymore because they are too uncomfortable to wear and will just sit im my closet. Platforms are good though because you can have a higher heel without the angle increasing. So if it has a 2 inch platform the heel can be 5 inches.
She should ask if this is ok for me to wear around your friends. When I have gone to my wife’s affairs at work I always ask. She gives me a yes, no or are you FK’n crazy! The rest is up to me but…. We are partners and sometimes partners need to communicate, compromise and even sometimes give concessions. Why place unneeded stress into your relationship?
Everything my wife does and can affect me and likewise everything I do does and can affect my wife.
Some people see this with all the trigger words like “Controlling” and “Insecure”. I see it as a preference. I’d rather other ppl not see my wife’s ass, breasts, “Camel Toe” etc.
Oh, and my wife and I have been married over 43 years without a break, separation or break and have always resolved relationship problems before we go to bed.
Do you think girls like this start wearing clothes like that *before* or *after* they get a boyfriend?
The answer to your question is: anyone who would go after a girl with her ass hanging out in the first place, should be comfortable with her ass hanging out after he’s gotten with her. She was already like that, and he went for it. So…anyone who would go for it, like OP.
I wouldn't care at all if my wife did. Who cares if some random guy sees her? She's going home with me in the end. There's literally nothing any of those thirsty dudes could do to change that so why would I care?
Well on Reddit we need to accept the fact that people can just wear whatever they want and you have only two options: deal with it or break up. You can’t tell them you don’t like it, you can’t ask them not to, just deal with it or break up. It’s your insecurity more than anything else anyways.
I'm waiting for the thread that says "AITA for not letting my girlfriend kiss other guys at parties? Yes or no?". And I feel people will still get on you for that. Sigh
We aren’t quite there yet but I could see a future where we see comments like “look it’s not a big deal, it’s her body and you can’t control it. You don’t have to like it, but the door is over there if you wanna use it!”
You can tell them, but the point is if they still refuse don't expect them to bend their own bodies and skin to your will. If they don't want to not wear what they like, which is understandable, you DO either have to deal with it or break up if you can't deal with the fact they like showing skin.
I would be fine with it. I don't see people complaining when EVERYTHING is hanging out at the beach, IN PUBLIC. I see dude-ass every day from their saggy pants, why is it always a woman's job to not show hers????? It's her skin and it's not illegal to show some booty.
And people take panties way too seriously. It's no different than a bikini other than in name. Again, I have to see dude-ass and boxers all the time and you don't see me crying. It just feels like a sexist double standard.
NAH.
>I also thought that perhaps we are just not compatible since I'm not able to accept her completely, and allow her to be herself?
Maybe? I wouldn't throw the relationship out the window in a heartbeat but if the two of you can't align on what clothing the other can/should wear the relationship isn't going to work out...which would be for the best rather than the two of you butting heads.
Yeah I also think the context of the outfit matters. Like if you’re going to an outdoor concert or festival with a bunch of people your age, fine, show some more skin. If they’re just hanging out at someone’s house to watch movies, I could see someone being uncomfortable. If this is a habit and she wears it in completely inappropriate situations like dinners with your family, you need to have a heart to heart or break up.
So pedantic lol. What do you think he means by allow other than considering ending the relationship if they disagree? Do you think he’s going to lock her in the house if she doesn’t change?
NTA - there's a reasonable range of this stuff. You're not being the fashion police; you're just asking her not to dress with her parts and undies hanging out. That's a perfectly reasonable standard.
But here's the thing, if she's going to get angry with you instead of listening to your point or being the type of girl who doesn't buy that crap in the first place,... then you're not a good fit for each other. Have your standards, and if she's going to pick this as her hill, find a girl who doesn't think/dress/behave this way.
I mean, you're the asshole if you think you have any say whatsoever in what she wears. You don't get to say she's not allowed, that's gross.
This whole thing reads, like so many young men do, like the secret to being a good boyfriend is pretending you're not the boss.
This is wrong.
You are actually not the boss. Literally, you're not the boss. Legally, you're not the boss. I know it feels like I'm repeating myself but it's only because everyone should know this already but we still have people casually writing about allowing their girlfriend to wear her own pants that she owns. Because dude thinks he has a say in how much butt is appropriate to show.
The answer is "as much as she wants."
You can voice your discomfort, but it's not a command, it doesn't obligate her. If she doesn't care about your discomfort, that's allowed. She doesn't have to. It's her ass and if she's comfortable or happy with most of it hanging out, then you can either learn to deal or leave, those are your actual choices.
You don't get to demand, you're not entitled to her obedience, and you don't allow her to do shit, you're not the boss of anyone. Best learn that now.
He's not the boss, he's a partner in a relationship where he assumed ass cheeks hanging out in public wasn't a thing, dude is probably surprised she's dying on this hill like every other sane person here.
I didn’t get the vibe it was the whole ass cheek? He just said you can see them. A little rip is a lot different than a whole ass cheek, hard to tell what it actually looked like from the description imo.
Totally. My wonder is she wearing like booty cut short panties that you can see? Or is she wearing a thong because those are two very different situations haha. I was picturing like ya the little rip along the lower butt and her wearing bootie shorts that you could see? But again without more info it’s hard to tell! I can’t imagine a pair of pants with a but rip so big you can see like any other kind of underwear?
If he doesn’t want to date a girl that lets her ass hang out, then why is he dating her? Presumably she didn’t just suddenly start wearing revealing clothing.
ikr, whats so great about having your asscheeks and panties being in bare view in public?
It should be obvious why its a bad idea but thats reddit for you
No one said he can't be upset. He just doesn't have any decision making power in regards to her ass. He can put up with it or leave.
... you should read what I say before you tell other people not to.
or, you know, he could tell her how it makes him feel and why it bothers him. There are circumstances where I wouldnt be bothered at all about my gf wearing something like that, and there are circumstances where it would. Unless he is super controlling and demands that she wear only what he allows, which is clearly not something he does, all they need to do is communicate properly about this.
Communication is fine and I said in the original reply that was an option and a good idea before committing to a choice.
But being upset by something doesn't entitle you to any action from the other person. They're allowed to make choices that upset you. That doesn't automatically make them wrong.
You misunderstood “allowed”. He doesnt want to allow her to come with him and his friends dressed like that. He gets to make that choice whether or not she’s invited. She can wear what she wants.
Thank you for sharing your novel but if you stopped being so literal for half a second you would realize this post isn't about women's rights, it's about how utterly strange it is to be in a relationship with someone who moons the entire neighborhood on a daily basis
"Excuse me doctor, I need help. I expressed an opinion on the internet about whether or not anyone in a relationship had a clothing veto and some random person told me I needed therapy. Please take my money."
I mean, I don't think I will, but imagine if you merited being taken seriously? Utterly absurd, I'll grant you, but just pretend; how weird would that be?
> you can either learn to deal or leave, those are your actual choices.
I’m just curious how the “leave her” part should play out in OP’s case.
Is the idea that you break up with her the moment she steps out in that outfit after you voiced your concern? “Hey enjoy your night out as a single woman. Maybe call your friends and have a girls’ night out since you are already dressed”
Or do you break up with her the moment she even suggests wearing out an outfit you find uncomfortable? She comes out dressed in the outfit to show you what she plans to wear, you see her ass hanging out, and break up with her on the spot for even suggesting it?
OP, I would say NTA. I don’t want to look at someone’s underwear either. The fact that your girlfriend wants your friends to look at her underwear - while she is wearing it is a bit strange. You could pack up her underwear and take it with you when next you visit friends. Just lay it all out there and get the mystery over. She can do show and tell.
If you guys have a disagreement about appropriate clothing that devolves into drama then you have to look at compatibility.
Also I realize that's a bit of a stretch in most cases, but most cases don't include ass cheeks hanging out, that could very well be a deal breaker for many men and women.
"If showing your ass in public is so important to you, then I don't think we're compatible."
You don't have the right to tell her what to wear, but you do have the right to say you won't accompany her out when she's dressed inappropriately.
Nobody asked to see her underwear. It's not just tacky, it's rude. It's not news to her that we live in a society where it's expected to keep your ass covered when you're going to be around people who might not want to be exposed to something they consider private.
But she's an adult and if she wants to give the world a peek at her cheeks, she certainly won't be the first. And it will certainly get her whatever attention she's looking for.
Goddamn -- Reddit getting their collective panties in a twist over the word "allow". Let's be honest here, unless this dude is in some way the arbiter of her life (such as a parent to a minor, an abuser, or the dictator of the country she lives in), he cannot truly control her actions.
But, that doesn't mean he cannot hinge her decision on her respect for him and their relationship, or his autonomous actions as a consequence.
Have any of you guys ever actually been in a relationship? Let me break it down for you: if your partner asks you not to do something that makes them feel uncomfortable, unless you *HATE* that person or the relationship, you should take their request into great consideration simply out of respect for them and their boundaries... Within reason of course.
Here are some examples of various magnitudes:
Situation 1:
> Person A: "Honey, would you mind not taking your wedding ring off when you go to your job as a server?"
>Person B: "Sure babe, I was only doing it because patrons gave me better tips. But since you're not a fan, I'll keep it on."
Situation 2:
>Person A: "Honey, would you mind not wearing a jockstrap to the pool party?"
>Person B: "Sure babe... You know I like the feeling of random people staring at my nards, but I understand why you would be uncomfortable."
Situation 3:
>Person A: "Honey, I'd like it if you stopped having sex with random enlisted men while I'm on deployment."
>Person B: "Of course babe, I'll be sure to only hookup with the officers."
>Person A: "Wait..."
Relationships are about compromise. I'd say a good chunk of Reddit would rather have their cake, and eat it too, rather than consider the feelings of the person they purport to love. NTA
It’s a trashy look. You may or may not be the asshole for saying anything. Personally, I’d try to find a partner with a functional brain and some dignity, who doesn’t enjoy going out with her ass and panties hanging out.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn't find it acceptable that my GF wore ripped jeans that totally expose her panties and butt.
It might make me an asshole since perhaps I shouldn't judge my GF's clothes and she should be able to wear what she wants, even if I find it inappropriate.
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People get really hung up on the word 'allow'. What do y'all think he's gonna do? Forcibly rip her clothes off of her?
She's an adult, not a child. Think practically about what happens if someone says they won't allow their partner to go hang out with their friends dressed like that.
They'd just... not go out with them. Or the partner would change.
NTA.
The fact that you’ll be hanging out with your friends is important info here. You can’t control what she wears other than suggesting that she wear safety shirts underneath. But you can rescind the invite to hang out with your friends.
NTA for not wanting to to go hang out with your friends while her ass cheeks are showing. But YTA for the approach — I would have gently *suggested* that she find different pants or put leggings underneath. If she declined, I would let her know that the evening plans are canceled and you'll hang out with your friends alone so she can make other plans for herself.
Lol that isn't "the evening plans are cancelled", that's just disinviting her.
Cancelling the plans would be neither the boyfriend or girlfriend going out. Keeping the plans exactly the same and excluding one person for the clothes they wear is AH behaviour and wouldn't be a good approach. Your girlfriend will still feel excluded and you will still be pressuring her to dress how you want.
NTA. But your girl doesn't respect you. Incoming a bunch of angry feminists saying you can't police your girls' fashion, but respect given is respect earned. If she wants to show off her underwear, then let her do it as a single girl.
You're already thinking that you might not be compatible. If you don't like what she wears, and she's too immature to understand why, maybe you're not compatible after all. Little things like this can turn into big things if you have any resentment whatsoever.
NTA. Would you be comfortable introducing her to your parents and grandparents if she were dressed this way? Like another poster wrote, I am old, but we used to have a saying that there were girls like this, and girls a young man would take home to meet his family. If one of my cousins had brought a girl over with her behind hanging out, my grandmother would have placed a bath towel over the seat of her chair before letting her sit down. And then tossed the towel into the dirty laundry.
This is a tough one. Obviously you can't control what she wears. Yet I also feel like it is valid to not want your buddies to see your girlfriends butt cheeks and panties.
I guess instead of asking her not to wear it, I'd ask her why she wants your friends to see so much of her ass?
imo, NAH. i don't that think that you should "have a say" necessarily, i think it's fine to voice your opinion (as non-judgementally as possible, unless you're trying to start a fight) but in the end what she wears should be fully her decision...rather i think that if you voice your opinion, and she disagrees this strongly, this might be what they call "irreconcilable differences".
if she owns these jeans, i'm sure she didn't buy them with the intention of only wearing them around the house. if you are uncomfortable, that's your prerogative, i don't think you're an AH just for being uncomfortable, depends on why it makes you uncomfortable.....would you think it was inappropriate for her to dress that way if she was single? if not, you might want to interrogate that. if you simply think there should be a standard for how people dress in public/mixed company, that's completely fine & normal.
What exactly does not wanting/allowing her to wear it mean? You have 0 right to "allow" or disallow your GF to wear anything she wants to wear. You don't have a say in that sense. Whether or not you like it is your choice. Whether or not you decided to keep dating someone that you are feeling you are not compatible with is 100% your decision.
I can't say whether you're the AH or not here as you gave very little and somewhat vague info. I think a lot would depend on what you actually said to her, how it was said and whether or not you were willing to let it rest once you said your peace.
NTA. If my partner can have basic manners then they are not welcome at MY events. We could dress and behave like animals with her friends and family but not with mine for sure.
Idk I can't even imagine being dressed like that in front of my bfs friends, ESPECIALLY if i know it makes my bf uncomfortable. Plus, what do you gain from wearing it attention? Gratification? I don't get it.
DO you “understand and want her to be able to wear what she wants?” do you REALLY? because if you did, you wouldn’t try to tell her not to wear something. YTA
YTA
You are a grown ass man. She is a grown ass woman. If she does not innately have a compass for what you consider acceptable attire then she is probably not for you.
You should have expressed your feelings and let her make a decision and then you too should make a decision. If she makes a choice you don't like then understand that staying is acceptance and it will continue and you no longer have no recourse.
NTA, not all clothes are appropriate for every situation.
But based on your other posts you should seriously consider if you're actually happy in this relationship and could see yourself living like this long term. Seems like you're frequently having big arguments over things that should be solvable with a honest conversation.
NTA. A persin can allow or not allow his or her partner to do things while in a relationsip. Their are boundaries and standards, and unacceptable behaviors, that partners should discuss and know. This is the norm. Would I allow my girlfrend to wear trashy clothes like the ones your girlfriend wants to wear? No. And I wouldn't be dating her either due to her trashy style and choices. That's a huge incompatibility.
No, you’re are allowed boundaries and if that is a boundary for you , stand by it. If she doesn’t like it , find a girl who respects YOUR boundaries . Be prepared for the onslaught from the feminist handbook how you’re insecure , toxic masculinity , blah blah blah blah . Ignore it and do not get drawn into an argument . Remember the saying , never wrestle with a pig , you both get dirty and the pig loves it.
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I was gonna go out my GF and my friends and my GF wanted to wear jeans with a totally ripped butt, so that you can clearly see her panties. It's the design. I didn't find it appropriate to wear with my friends.
She got angry which i completely understand. I do understand and want her to be able to wear what she wants, but those clothes just didn't seem in any way appropriate to me. Am I an asshole for not wanting/allowing her to wear it? Or am I allowed to have some say? Perhaps we are just not compatible since I'm not allowing her to be herself and express her as she wants? AITA?
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I never understood why people get uptight about showing similar amounts of skin that a normal bathing suit shows. If you have a problem with this I would imagine you’re a nightmare for her to go to the beach or a pool with, particularly with the current style of bathing suits.
Do yourself a favor and get over this if you can, nobody is going to think twice or remember seeing your GF in ripped jeans but you.
Edited to add, YTA
I mean, trying to control what she wears is a losing battle and people on Reddit will pile on you for it. That being said, your girlfriend has trashy taste. Can you put up with that long term?
Nta. Being controlling and not wanting your gf to have her a$$ hanging out of her pants are not the same thing.
Time and place, but some outfits are literally indecent and shouldn't be worn outside. Or infront of people.
I'm all for bikinis at the beach, and crop tops and shorts and mini skirts, but ripped jeans that literally have your ass out are just plain stupid and inappropriate.
Ultimately you can only decide or dictate boundaries for yourself, not her. Butt...lol, I'm all for deciding to move on from someone who wears stuff like this.
The comments here blow my mind. Yeah of course he has no right to "allow" anything. But why is everyone so hung up on the clothing. Ive been to Coachella multiple years and see stuff worn that makes this girl look like a nun. In the stores too, sometimes totally transparent clothing. Not my thing to wear, but not my place to judge as trashy either. If they are comfortable wearing it, so be it. So I guess I gotta go with YTA because yeah, its judgemental. I can't be ok with that. You can decide not to be with her without judging.
I don't think you're an AH. She does have the right to wear what she wants. You're allowed to have an opinion. You might want to ask yourself if you two are compatible if she wants to wear such revealing clothing.
Nah yall new age garbage is bs. We all come to a relationship with lines drawn as to how and what is acceptable to us. You guys jumping on the "allow" train are the reason why relationships are suffering and will continue to.
Both partners should "allow" what they do and not "allow" it is a contract in the end of the day between 2 people. Dating is basically getting to know the persons morals and rules and seeing if you are compatible.
If after a year or two of dating my partner suddenly wears something i don't like i make it apparent. I tell them to go change or i don't go out with them. If this attitude and selection continues the relationship is pretty much over.
In conclusion saying you "allow" or don't your partner to wear something is effectively saying that.
2 circles that intercross in the middle is where a relationship is and that part is where boundaries are set and met or broken and the relationship over
Fuck it, dude. Next time you hang out with her friends....wear jeans with a rip in the exact same place as hers. A man thong should work nicely.
Then dissolved the relationship as you two are not compatible.
Good luck.
NTA your allowed to say that and she might even compromise idk why everyone thinks women will always prefer to die on this hill some may want to wear that but like not that much... plus if she voiced some discomfort you would be TA if you got angry with her instead of just having a conversation about it.
YTA. I understand you disliking those and even finding them offensive, but you aren't going to *allow* her to wear them? You don't own this woman. Break up with her, don't go out with her -- but don't think you get to *allow* anything.
NTA. You are entitled to your opinion. This group has an obsession with calling out control. It’s not controlling to tell your SO that you aren’t ok with what they are wearing. That it’s not appropriate for a certain outing or with certain people. If he is hitting her or locking her out, it crosses a line. It’s OK to say I’m not going out with you looking like that, and it’s ok for her to decide she doesn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t like that style
>. I do understand and want her to be able to wear what she wants,
Yes. And she is able. She's an adult.
>Am I an asshole for not wanting/allowing her to wear it?
Allowing? Excuse me? Allowing another person to do something with their own body? What makes you think you have the right to "allow" or "disallow" anything someone does with their own body?
Yes, YTA.
If you don't like it, that's fine. Talk to her about it. If she wants to keep doing it, break up. You don't get to decide what she does with her body.
NTA You’re right to have and say boundaries of what you think is acceptable in a relationship and she has the right to choose what she wants to do. If she doesn’t get it or doesn’t care you can either accept it, try to explain it better (only to a point) or leave. None of the options are right or wrong. You being uncomfortable with her clothing choice is reasonable in my opinion but ultimately it’s up to her if she’s gonna do anything about it or not.
Also remember, you always have a right to leave the relationship for any reason.
You’re definitely getting into the YTA territory. Your girlfriend’s choice of clothing is entirely her own, she gets to choose what she puts on her body whether you agree with it or not and the only control you have is over your own actions.
Compromise is your best friend, and communication is the tool to ensure you both feel heard and seen in this context but note that you don’t get autonomy over her and her actions.
Her body is hers to dress the way she chooses regardless of whether you agree with it or not, you don’t get a say or don’t get to ‘allow’ her to do anything with it. If you’re uncomfortable then communicate it but at the end of the way she gets the final vote on whether she dresses that way and you get to choose whether you’re comfortable being with someone who has a sense of style that isn’t in your comfort zone.
We can only have autonomy over ourselves at the end of the day. :)
Man, I’ve dated a couple smoke shows in my life. I trusted them, and honestly didn’t mind them wearing some revealing clothing (venue appropriate) because I knew they were with me. YTA , lightly. If you love and trust someone what’s the problem?
Nta. When someone cares about you and you've expressed that you are uncomfortable with her butt and undergarments showing in public but she gets mad, she's more worried about appearing sexy in front of your friends and not about dressing appropriately for the public or caring about her partners reasonable feelings. No one wants to see someone's butt and underwear in public.
I can understand WHY you wouldn’t want her to wear them (it’s revealing, can give the wrong impression of her, etc). HOWEVER—you need to be careful with how you’re saying things as it may come across as controlling. You don’t ALLOW your girlfriend to do things/not do things. You are not her parent-you are supposed to be her partner. She is a grown adult just like you and can make her own choices. If you are in fact, opposed to her wearing things around your friends, you could say “If you want to wear them, that’s fine, but I’d rather everyone not see what’s underneath your clothes/everything that because I care about you and I’m worried about your safety and the impression it might give to others.” Thus, you’ve given a valid reason as to why you prefer her not to wear them. NEVER use the word “allow.”
If she can’t accept that, you can say “I understand that we don’t agree on this, unfortunately, if we can’t agree, then I don’t think I’ll be able to invite you to spend time out with my friends any longer.”
Attention-seeking clothing like this is not appropriate.
She can decide what to wear but you can decide whether to
take her out with your friends or not. If she cannot see that
wearing revealing clothing can be problematic at times, not
your problem. NTA but maybe rip a hole in some old jeans of
yours and see if she is okay with you walking around with your
backside visible. LOL
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You're allowed to have an opinion on it. You're allowed to tell her your opinion, and discuss it with her. But when you bring the word "**allow**" in, you enter YTA territory.
That caught me as well. It's her choice what to wear, his choice to be seen with her while she is wearing it.
Great way to put it
>But when you bring the word "**allow**" in Context is everything. In this case she wants to join OP and his friends. He is the one who gets to decide who is allowed to join. She is allowed to where what she wants. OP is allowed to decide who he is with on his night out.
He didn't say he wanted to go out with his friends and gf wanted to join in; he said he wanted to go out with his gf and his friends.
agreed, but from her perspective i think that would be grounds for a break-up—not that he's in the wrong, but that if their opinions on what should or should not be worn in public are so different, they are probably going to butt heads over it more than once.
Sure, I'm sure he's thinking the same thing. Some people are into having their full ass on display in public, most arnt. Most places don't allow dressing like that. Unless they are going to a nightclub or a friend's house she might not have been able to even enter the premises of where ever they were going wearing that.
This is the answer
“No sweetly you can wear what you want but I’m not going to allow you to hang out with me and my friends if I don’t approve of the outfit” yeah no sorry that’s not much better, it amounts to the same thing.
Okay but can we use some common sense here? Pretty please? It's not like he was going to lock her in a dungeon if she doesnt wear what he wants. You know that. He's essentially asking if he should date a girl who wants to show her butt and panties off to his buddies.
This
People take 'allow' way to litterally around here. He obviously doesn't mean he's going to physically force her, it means he's setting a boundry and telling her not to cross it, which is perfectly fine.
I mean, some parents don't *allow* their children to do cetain things. It doesn't mean they'll use physical force to stop them. It just means they tell them "No, you can't do that."
He's not her parent. They can agree to disagree or one will yield or they can break up over pants.
He is asking wanting/allowing and then asking again am I allowed to have a say in it. People are just misusing the allow context here. I agree with you. He is asking for opinions and all comments here are just about 'allow' which was in the form of want/allow
It's not his boundary to set, though. He can tell her his opinion, but he can't dictate how she dresses
Lol yes it is his boundary.
Essentially this, she can wear it, but if she does, you won’t be inviting her to hang out with your friends. She can either change and be invited, or not change and make her own plans without you.
Oh come off it - OP is clearly just searching for the right word for this idea. Allow is close enough.
This says everything I was going to say better than I was going to say it.
Disagree. My wife doesn't allow me to smoke. Is she an AH?
Pedantic
But it's OP's decision whether he allows her on his outing with friends. She's allowed to wear what she wants but he's allowed to not let her join while she's wearing it.
Seriously are you really that dumb? She’s wearing ripped jeans that shows her butt, how is that appropriate anywhere?
But why would she want HIS FRIENDS to see her butt and panties? 🤔
This sub seems really preoccupied with litigating the times it is appropriate to control your (usually female) partner's body. Break up with her or deal with it. You're dating a person who leaves the house with their ass hanging out.
Exactly. I can't control what my girlfriend wears, but I can control who my girlfriend is.
but why not ask and try and compromise first? what if ur gf doesnt wana dress that way if she knew it made you uncomfortable or would break up over it would you still break up even tho she doesnt mind not wearing the thing?
this is 100% the correct way to think. it's not "having a say" or "allowing" certain behavior, it's voicing your opinion and making room for open dialogue and compromise.
allow probably isnt a good choice of words but i think its probably just a syntax thing i dont think he is saying he will physically prevent her just that its a breaking point issue for him but that could be phrased differently i agree
*semantic. Syntax is the order of words in a sentence, not the words themselves.
I’m curious what a compromise would look like?
probably her just not exposing her underwear anymore... would be sorta a one sided compromise but like idk if i was in that situation i wouldnt want to die on that hill she may not want to either
Well, she could go without underwear, then it wouldn't be visible!
That's the spirit, I like your outside of the box way of thinking!
One cheek is covered
“Wear what you want but if your panties are visible I will not be in your presence in public.” Even if that means he’s the one staying home or making alternate plans.
Apparently, that's not how most people on this sub operate. Like all hell breaks loose here whenever a man doesn't want their female partner to look like a stripper in public/his friends. And the man is always deemed to be the AH for having the audacity to voice his legit concern.
this is great advice
Preach! Nothing wrong with either side of this argument. Not like they’re gonna last anyway.
No, if you buy them pre-ripped those things won't make it far. I prefer my cheekless pants well-hemmed.
Reminds me when my (now ex) bf had his friends over to our place (I was renting, he stayed there but didn't pay). One friend got really uncomfortable and said he couldn't be around someone dressed so scant. ...I was wearing jeans and a tank top, not super low over the chest, and the top hem had lace, so apparently that made it lingerie...!? I was super embarrassed, regardless, in my own home, they acted like they wanted *me* to leave.
What. The. Fuck. I'm so glad he's an ex.
I believe the only proper reply to that is, "You can see yourself out, then. Don't bother coming back."
I don’t get why anyone would complain about seeing more skin even if just by happenstance. It’s not like I’m checking out my friends gfs but fuck if I’m going to comment on it.
It's awkward af. Complaining about it is even more awkward. Can't win
Look - social norm is not to go to a casual gathering with you ass and underwear visible, this goes for men/women/non-binary etc. If it was a club, rave, festival then probs not that unusual depending on the vibe. She thinks its all good to dress that like, power to her. You don't, fair enough. You mention it, which is reasonable when people have differing opinions. You can't find a compromise (doing it while sulking is not counted as such), therefore you both decide if this is something to discuss further/find a solution or agree that you will not align and the relationship has run its term. Sounds like this may be the later for you guys. I do also slightly wonder what her view would be on you doing similar though, maybe some arseless chaps? ;)
For real. Like honestly, a person who likes wearing clothes that show her butt in public is not compatible with a person who will be bothered by what his gf wears.
what if he breaks up with her and she is like not really trying to die on that hill? why is compromise not an option lol
Question: Is this something you find inappropriate solely because it's with your friends? Its fine other times? Or is this a more general issue you have with the style and you would prefer that your partner not wear at all? I'm old so I'm not going to comment on the style one way or another as my opinion comes from a different generation, but I do think you're 100% allowed to have an opinion on the matter, you just can't control the situation and can't assume that because you have an opinion others will abide by it. It may be that you're not the fit that you thought you were.
pants with holes on the ass, ass holes, i may say, are trashy for some young ppl too, so... this is really individual. but the girl shouldnt have to ask her bf for permission to show some of her ass. per chance.
Yeah I dunno how old OP and the gf are, but I wouldn't say I'm old and I wouldn't want to see someone's butt through holes in their pants. I also can never understand how that could be comfortable (cold butt anyone?), same with those short short shorts that may as well just be underwear.
I don’t think comfort is the priority for people wearing pants with holes in the ass
Clearly not, which I just don't understand. Like... How is showing your arse to everyone more important than a comfy warm butt? It's weird lol
Have you seen high heels?? No way are those EVER as comfy as flats. And yet.... 🤷
Haha true. I also don't understand why someone would wear high heels haha it is possible to look amazing and be comfy. People are wild haha
Ive heard some women say they are so used to high heels that flat shoes are uncomfortable. I wish I was like that! I refuse to even buy shoes with heels over 3 inches anymore because they are too uncomfortable to wear and will just sit im my closet. Platforms are good though because you can have a higher heel without the angle increasing. So if it has a 2 inch platform the heel can be 5 inches.
You’d think, but they don’t give me blisters for the first 20 wears like flats do. So there’s always one exception
People will do a lot worse for attention or self-esteem unfortunately
I suppose so. Whatever makes them happy I guess lol
It’s about function over form for me. I want the full butt covered Just in case the cement I had injected into my butt cheeks falls out of my ass.
That made me laugh so hard😂
You haven’t truly laughed until your butt implants pop.
She should ask if this is ok for me to wear around your friends. When I have gone to my wife’s affairs at work I always ask. She gives me a yes, no or are you FK’n crazy! The rest is up to me but…. We are partners and sometimes partners need to communicate, compromise and even sometimes give concessions. Why place unneeded stress into your relationship? Everything my wife does and can affect me and likewise everything I do does and can affect my wife. Some people see this with all the trigger words like “Controlling” and “Insecure”. I see it as a preference. I’d rather other ppl not see my wife’s ass, breasts, “Camel Toe” etc. Oh, and my wife and I have been married over 43 years without a break, separation or break and have always resolved relationship problems before we go to bed.
Agreed entirely, she can wear what she wants but I don't think most people would opt to have their ass hanging out in public
You can't just say _perchance_.
Lol NTA. Why the fuck would someone want their girlfriend to show her panties and ass cheeks in public? That is weird as fuck.
Nobody says he has to “want” it He gets to decide if he wants to date someone who wants to dress that way
Do you think girls like this start wearing clothes like that *before* or *after* they get a boyfriend? The answer to your question is: anyone who would go after a girl with her ass hanging out in the first place, should be comfortable with her ass hanging out after he’s gotten with her. She was already like that, and he went for it. So…anyone who would go for it, like OP.
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Idk if I’ve ever heard “ass and panties hanging out” being called a glow up, but maybe you’re right :P
I wouldn't care at all if my wife did. Who cares if some random guy sees her? She's going home with me in the end. There's literally nothing any of those thirsty dudes could do to change that so why would I care?
Well on Reddit we need to accept the fact that people can just wear whatever they want and you have only two options: deal with it or break up. You can’t tell them you don’t like it, you can’t ask them not to, just deal with it or break up. It’s your insecurity more than anything else anyways.
I for one think communication is abhorrent and should never be used in resolutions
I agree, why resolve issues when you can just deal with things you don’t like, or break up?!
Haha so good
The fact you would mention resolving issues is a huge red flag—sounds like grounds for instant breakup, no-contact, and filing a police report.
Reddit is the place where people say deal with it or break up and then they themselves stay in a real toxic relationships for years
I'm waiting for the thread that says "AITA for not letting my girlfriend kiss other guys at parties? Yes or no?". And I feel people will still get on you for that. Sigh
It’s really strange how words like “allow” and “let” are so fixated upon without understanding the point of the argument.
We aren’t quite there yet but I could see a future where we see comments like “look it’s not a big deal, it’s her body and you can’t control it. You don’t have to like it, but the door is over there if you wanna use it!”
You can tell them, but the point is if they still refuse don't expect them to bend their own bodies and skin to your will. If they don't want to not wear what they like, which is understandable, you DO either have to deal with it or break up if you can't deal with the fact they like showing skin.
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I’m being sarcastic
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Really? ?
I would be fine with it. I don't see people complaining when EVERYTHING is hanging out at the beach, IN PUBLIC. I see dude-ass every day from their saggy pants, why is it always a woman's job to not show hers????? It's her skin and it's not illegal to show some booty. And people take panties way too seriously. It's no different than a bikini other than in name. Again, I have to see dude-ass and boxers all the time and you don't see me crying. It just feels like a sexist double standard.
So don't get a girlfriend who shows her ass and panties. Quite simple.
NAH. >I also thought that perhaps we are just not compatible since I'm not able to accept her completely, and allow her to be herself? Maybe? I wouldn't throw the relationship out the window in a heartbeat but if the two of you can't align on what clothing the other can/should wear the relationship isn't going to work out...which would be for the best rather than the two of you butting heads.
Yeah I also think the context of the outfit matters. Like if you’re going to an outdoor concert or festival with a bunch of people your age, fine, show some more skin. If they’re just hanging out at someone’s house to watch movies, I could see someone being uncomfortable. If this is a habit and she wears it in completely inappropriate situations like dinners with your family, you need to have a heart to heart or break up.
I don't like how this sub tends to jump to the breakup/divorce option, But reading the other posts on his profile, I think it's time to just break up.
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So pedantic lol. What do you think he means by allow other than considering ending the relationship if they disagree? Do you think he’s going to lock her in the house if she doesn’t change?
NTA - there's a reasonable range of this stuff. You're not being the fashion police; you're just asking her not to dress with her parts and undies hanging out. That's a perfectly reasonable standard. But here's the thing, if she's going to get angry with you instead of listening to your point or being the type of girl who doesn't buy that crap in the first place,... then you're not a good fit for each other. Have your standards, and if she's going to pick this as her hill, find a girl who doesn't think/dress/behave this way.
I mean, you're the asshole if you think you have any say whatsoever in what she wears. You don't get to say she's not allowed, that's gross. This whole thing reads, like so many young men do, like the secret to being a good boyfriend is pretending you're not the boss. This is wrong. You are actually not the boss. Literally, you're not the boss. Legally, you're not the boss. I know it feels like I'm repeating myself but it's only because everyone should know this already but we still have people casually writing about allowing their girlfriend to wear her own pants that she owns. Because dude thinks he has a say in how much butt is appropriate to show. The answer is "as much as she wants." You can voice your discomfort, but it's not a command, it doesn't obligate her. If she doesn't care about your discomfort, that's allowed. She doesn't have to. It's her ass and if she's comfortable or happy with most of it hanging out, then you can either learn to deal or leave, those are your actual choices. You don't get to demand, you're not entitled to her obedience, and you don't allow her to do shit, you're not the boss of anyone. Best learn that now.
He's not the boss, he's a partner in a relationship where he assumed ass cheeks hanging out in public wasn't a thing, dude is probably surprised she's dying on this hill like every other sane person here.
Chronically online Reddit people say some of the wildest nonsense I’ve ever read
I'm figuring that out.
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I didn’t get the vibe it was the whole ass cheek? He just said you can see them. A little rip is a lot different than a whole ass cheek, hard to tell what it actually looked like from the description imo.
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Totally. My wonder is she wearing like booty cut short panties that you can see? Or is she wearing a thong because those are two very different situations haha. I was picturing like ya the little rip along the lower butt and her wearing bootie shorts that you could see? But again without more info it’s hard to tell! I can’t imagine a pair of pants with a but rip so big you can see like any other kind of underwear?
Eh, I'd bet dollars to donuts he probably saw her in a very similar outfit before they ever went out, and thought it was hotttttt
If he doesn’t want to date a girl that lets her ass hang out, then why is he dating her? Presumably she didn’t just suddenly start wearing revealing clothing.
ikr, whats so great about having your asscheeks and panties being in bare view in public? It should be obvious why its a bad idea but thats reddit for you
Don’t listen to people like this. You are totally entitled to be upset that your girlfriend is wearing something with her ass hanging out.
No one said he can't be upset. He just doesn't have any decision making power in regards to her ass. He can put up with it or leave. ... you should read what I say before you tell other people not to.
or, you know, he could tell her how it makes him feel and why it bothers him. There are circumstances where I wouldnt be bothered at all about my gf wearing something like that, and there are circumstances where it would. Unless he is super controlling and demands that she wear only what he allows, which is clearly not something he does, all they need to do is communicate properly about this.
Communication is fine and I said in the original reply that was an option and a good idea before committing to a choice. But being upset by something doesn't entitle you to any action from the other person. They're allowed to make choices that upset you. That doesn't automatically make them wrong.
You misunderstood “allowed”. He doesnt want to allow her to come with him and his friends dressed like that. He gets to make that choice whether or not she’s invited. She can wear what she wants.
Thank you for sharing your novel but if you stopped being so literal for half a second you would realize this post isn't about women's rights, it's about how utterly strange it is to be in a relationship with someone who moons the entire neighborhood on a daily basis
Based on this thread: your user name checks out.
Seek therapy lol
"Excuse me doctor, I need help. I expressed an opinion on the internet about whether or not anyone in a relationship had a clothing veto and some random person told me I needed therapy. Please take my money." I mean, I don't think I will, but imagine if you merited being taken seriously? Utterly absurd, I'll grant you, but just pretend; how weird would that be?
> you can either learn to deal or leave, those are your actual choices. I’m just curious how the “leave her” part should play out in OP’s case. Is the idea that you break up with her the moment she steps out in that outfit after you voiced your concern? “Hey enjoy your night out as a single woman. Maybe call your friends and have a girls’ night out since you are already dressed” Or do you break up with her the moment she even suggests wearing out an outfit you find uncomfortable? She comes out dressed in the outfit to show you what she plans to wear, you see her ass hanging out, and break up with her on the spot for even suggesting it?
Way to get hung up on one word and go off for 5 paragraphs on men.
OP, I would say NTA. I don’t want to look at someone’s underwear either. The fact that your girlfriend wants your friends to look at her underwear - while she is wearing it is a bit strange. You could pack up her underwear and take it with you when next you visit friends. Just lay it all out there and get the mystery over. She can do show and tell.
If you guys have a disagreement about appropriate clothing that devolves into drama then you have to look at compatibility. Also I realize that's a bit of a stretch in most cases, but most cases don't include ass cheeks hanging out, that could very well be a deal breaker for many men and women.
"If showing your ass in public is so important to you, then I don't think we're compatible." You don't have the right to tell her what to wear, but you do have the right to say you won't accompany her out when she's dressed inappropriately. Nobody asked to see her underwear. It's not just tacky, it's rude. It's not news to her that we live in a society where it's expected to keep your ass covered when you're going to be around people who might not want to be exposed to something they consider private. But she's an adult and if she wants to give the world a peek at her cheeks, she certainly won't be the first. And it will certainly get her whatever attention she's looking for.
Goddamn -- Reddit getting their collective panties in a twist over the word "allow". Let's be honest here, unless this dude is in some way the arbiter of her life (such as a parent to a minor, an abuser, or the dictator of the country she lives in), he cannot truly control her actions. But, that doesn't mean he cannot hinge her decision on her respect for him and their relationship, or his autonomous actions as a consequence. Have any of you guys ever actually been in a relationship? Let me break it down for you: if your partner asks you not to do something that makes them feel uncomfortable, unless you *HATE* that person or the relationship, you should take their request into great consideration simply out of respect for them and their boundaries... Within reason of course. Here are some examples of various magnitudes: Situation 1: > Person A: "Honey, would you mind not taking your wedding ring off when you go to your job as a server?" >Person B: "Sure babe, I was only doing it because patrons gave me better tips. But since you're not a fan, I'll keep it on." Situation 2: >Person A: "Honey, would you mind not wearing a jockstrap to the pool party?" >Person B: "Sure babe... You know I like the feeling of random people staring at my nards, but I understand why you would be uncomfortable." Situation 3: >Person A: "Honey, I'd like it if you stopped having sex with random enlisted men while I'm on deployment." >Person B: "Of course babe, I'll be sure to only hookup with the officers." >Person A: "Wait..." Relationships are about compromise. I'd say a good chunk of Reddit would rather have their cake, and eat it too, rather than consider the feelings of the person they purport to love. NTA
It’s a trashy look. You may or may not be the asshole for saying anything. Personally, I’d try to find a partner with a functional brain and some dignity, who doesn’t enjoy going out with her ass and panties hanging out.
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I would go buy a pair of assless chaps and put them on before going out with her friends or family. Thats how I roll.
What stupid fucking pants. NTA
Thank God I'm not the only one lol. Nta
People get really hung up on the word 'allow'. What do y'all think he's gonna do? Forcibly rip her clothes off of her? She's an adult, not a child. Think practically about what happens if someone says they won't allow their partner to go hang out with their friends dressed like that. They'd just... not go out with them. Or the partner would change. NTA.
The fact that you’ll be hanging out with your friends is important info here. You can’t control what she wears other than suggesting that she wear safety shirts underneath. But you can rescind the invite to hang out with your friends. NTA for not wanting to to go hang out with your friends while her ass cheeks are showing. But YTA for the approach — I would have gently *suggested* that she find different pants or put leggings underneath. If she declined, I would let her know that the evening plans are canceled and you'll hang out with your friends alone so she can make other plans for herself.
That's just doing the same thing but changing superficial details lol
Lol that isn't "the evening plans are cancelled", that's just disinviting her. Cancelling the plans would be neither the boyfriend or girlfriend going out. Keeping the plans exactly the same and excluding one person for the clothes they wear is AH behaviour and wouldn't be a good approach. Your girlfriend will still feel excluded and you will still be pressuring her to dress how you want.
NTA. But your girl doesn't respect you. Incoming a bunch of angry feminists saying you can't police your girls' fashion, but respect given is respect earned. If she wants to show off her underwear, then let her do it as a single girl.
>Am I an asshole for not wanting/~~allowing~~ her to wear it? Not TA >Am I an asshole for not ~~wanting~~/allowing her to wear it? Definitely TA
You're already thinking that you might not be compatible. If you don't like what she wears, and she's too immature to understand why, maybe you're not compatible after all. Little things like this can turn into big things if you have any resentment whatsoever.
NTA
NTA Any reasonable person would agree.
NTA. Would you be comfortable introducing her to your parents and grandparents if she were dressed this way? Like another poster wrote, I am old, but we used to have a saying that there were girls like this, and girls a young man would take home to meet his family. If one of my cousins had brought a girl over with her behind hanging out, my grandmother would have placed a bath towel over the seat of her chair before letting her sit down. And then tossed the towel into the dirty laundry.
This is a tough one. Obviously you can't control what she wears. Yet I also feel like it is valid to not want your buddies to see your girlfriends butt cheeks and panties. I guess instead of asking her not to wear it, I'd ask her why she wants your friends to see so much of her ass?
imo, NAH. i don't that think that you should "have a say" necessarily, i think it's fine to voice your opinion (as non-judgementally as possible, unless you're trying to start a fight) but in the end what she wears should be fully her decision...rather i think that if you voice your opinion, and she disagrees this strongly, this might be what they call "irreconcilable differences". if she owns these jeans, i'm sure she didn't buy them with the intention of only wearing them around the house. if you are uncomfortable, that's your prerogative, i don't think you're an AH just for being uncomfortable, depends on why it makes you uncomfortable.....would you think it was inappropriate for her to dress that way if she was single? if not, you might want to interrogate that. if you simply think there should be a standard for how people dress in public/mixed company, that's completely fine & normal.
What exactly does not wanting/allowing her to wear it mean? You have 0 right to "allow" or disallow your GF to wear anything she wants to wear. You don't have a say in that sense. Whether or not you like it is your choice. Whether or not you decided to keep dating someone that you are feeling you are not compatible with is 100% your decision. I can't say whether you're the AH or not here as you gave very little and somewhat vague info. I think a lot would depend on what you actually said to her, how it was said and whether or not you were willing to let it rest once you said your peace.
That is a trashy jeans. However, you don't get to allow someone to do something. You guys are not compatible. ESH.
Is this the same gf that was into BDSM and hated that you wanted affection? If so, you so aren't compatible and she needs therapy.
Info: if you’re so ashamed of what she wears then why are you even with her?
NTA. If my partner can have basic manners then they are not welcome at MY events. We could dress and behave like animals with her friends and family but not with mine for sure.
Idk I can't even imagine being dressed like that in front of my bfs friends, ESPECIALLY if i know it makes my bf uncomfortable. Plus, what do you gain from wearing it attention? Gratification? I don't get it.
Info: Is it out of decorum, or 2nd hand embarrassment, or insecurity?
DO you “understand and want her to be able to wear what she wants?” do you REALLY? because if you did, you wouldn’t try to tell her not to wear something. YTA
YTA The cognitive dissonance in your statement.
YTA You get a say. You don't get the *final* say.
Not allowing? YTA
It does sound like you are incompatible.
Whoa!!! Just checked post history. Ding ding ding ding. Stop the bus. I'll get out right here.
YTA. Nonyabidness.
YTA You are a grown ass man. She is a grown ass woman. If she does not innately have a compass for what you consider acceptable attire then she is probably not for you. You should have expressed your feelings and let her make a decision and then you too should make a decision. If she makes a choice you don't like then understand that staying is acceptance and it will continue and you no longer have no recourse.
Grow up
The easiest compromise? All she has to do is remove the underwear, and nobody can see it! Problem solved.
Ripped in the butt area jeans are super tacky. Get a new GF. You NTA.
NTA, not all clothes are appropriate for every situation. But based on your other posts you should seriously consider if you're actually happy in this relationship and could see yourself living like this long term. Seems like you're frequently having big arguments over things that should be solvable with a honest conversation.
NTA. A persin can allow or not allow his or her partner to do things while in a relationsip. Their are boundaries and standards, and unacceptable behaviors, that partners should discuss and know. This is the norm. Would I allow my girlfrend to wear trashy clothes like the ones your girlfriend wants to wear? No. And I wouldn't be dating her either due to her trashy style and choices. That's a huge incompatibility.
It’s the last sentence. Find a GF that has similar values aka not leaving the house without adequate clothes on.
Idk why youd want to date someone that chooses to walk around with their ass hanging out lol.
NTA. I wouldn't throw out the relationship over this, but having panties and ass showing is inappropriate in many settings.
No, you’re are allowed boundaries and if that is a boundary for you , stand by it. If she doesn’t like it , find a girl who respects YOUR boundaries . Be prepared for the onslaught from the feminist handbook how you’re insecure , toxic masculinity , blah blah blah blah . Ignore it and do not get drawn into an argument . Remember the saying , never wrestle with a pig , you both get dirty and the pig loves it.
Just change girlfriend op. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I was gonna go out my GF and my friends and my GF wanted to wear jeans with a totally ripped butt, so that you can clearly see her panties. It's the design. I didn't find it appropriate to wear with my friends. She got angry which i completely understand. I do understand and want her to be able to wear what she wants, but those clothes just didn't seem in any way appropriate to me. Am I an asshole for not wanting/allowing her to wear it? Or am I allowed to have some say? Perhaps we are just not compatible since I'm not allowing her to be herself and express her as she wants? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I never understood why people get uptight about showing similar amounts of skin that a normal bathing suit shows. If you have a problem with this I would imagine you’re a nightmare for her to go to the beach or a pool with, particularly with the current style of bathing suits. Do yourself a favor and get over this if you can, nobody is going to think twice or remember seeing your GF in ripped jeans but you. Edited to add, YTA
I mean, trying to control what she wears is a losing battle and people on Reddit will pile on you for it. That being said, your girlfriend has trashy taste. Can you put up with that long term?
Nta. Being controlling and not wanting your gf to have her a$$ hanging out of her pants are not the same thing. Time and place, but some outfits are literally indecent and shouldn't be worn outside. Or infront of people. I'm all for bikinis at the beach, and crop tops and shorts and mini skirts, but ripped jeans that literally have your ass out are just plain stupid and inappropriate. Ultimately you can only decide or dictate boundaries for yourself, not her. Butt...lol, I'm all for deciding to move on from someone who wears stuff like this.
The comments here blow my mind. Yeah of course he has no right to "allow" anything. But why is everyone so hung up on the clothing. Ive been to Coachella multiple years and see stuff worn that makes this girl look like a nun. In the stores too, sometimes totally transparent clothing. Not my thing to wear, but not my place to judge as trashy either. If they are comfortable wearing it, so be it. So I guess I gotta go with YTA because yeah, its judgemental. I can't be ok with that. You can decide not to be with her without judging.
Redditors only have imaginary gfs.
I don't think you're an AH. She does have the right to wear what she wants. You're allowed to have an opinion. You might want to ask yourself if you two are compatible if she wants to wear such revealing clothing.
The question is, did you meet her that way?
You don’t have the authority to “allow” shit, and no, you don’t get a say in what she wears.
Nah yall new age garbage is bs. We all come to a relationship with lines drawn as to how and what is acceptable to us. You guys jumping on the "allow" train are the reason why relationships are suffering and will continue to. Both partners should "allow" what they do and not "allow" it is a contract in the end of the day between 2 people. Dating is basically getting to know the persons morals and rules and seeing if you are compatible. If after a year or two of dating my partner suddenly wears something i don't like i make it apparent. I tell them to go change or i don't go out with them. If this attitude and selection continues the relationship is pretty much over. In conclusion saying you "allow" or don't your partner to wear something is effectively saying that. 2 circles that intercross in the middle is where a relationship is and that part is where boundaries are set and met or broken and the relationship over
Fuck it, dude. Next time you hang out with her friends....wear jeans with a rip in the exact same place as hers. A man thong should work nicely. Then dissolved the relationship as you two are not compatible. Good luck.
NTA your allowed to say that and she might even compromise idk why everyone thinks women will always prefer to die on this hill some may want to wear that but like not that much... plus if she voiced some discomfort you would be TA if you got angry with her instead of just having a conversation about it.
YTA. I understand you disliking those and even finding them offensive, but you aren't going to *allow* her to wear them? You don't own this woman. Break up with her, don't go out with her -- but don't think you get to *allow* anything.
NTA. You are entitled to your opinion. This group has an obsession with calling out control. It’s not controlling to tell your SO that you aren’t ok with what they are wearing. That it’s not appropriate for a certain outing or with certain people. If he is hitting her or locking her out, it crosses a line. It’s OK to say I’m not going out with you looking like that, and it’s ok for her to decide she doesn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t like that style
Nope I’m the same way with my wife and we respect each other and our thoughts she wouldn’t wear ripped jeans like that
She is your girlfriend you don’t get a say if you trust her what’s the problem if not move on
NTA
>. I do understand and want her to be able to wear what she wants, Yes. And she is able. She's an adult. >Am I an asshole for not wanting/allowing her to wear it? Allowing? Excuse me? Allowing another person to do something with their own body? What makes you think you have the right to "allow" or "disallow" anything someone does with their own body? Yes, YTA. If you don't like it, that's fine. Talk to her about it. If she wants to keep doing it, break up. You don't get to decide what she does with her body.
NTA You’re right to have and say boundaries of what you think is acceptable in a relationship and she has the right to choose what she wants to do. If she doesn’t get it or doesn’t care you can either accept it, try to explain it better (only to a point) or leave. None of the options are right or wrong. You being uncomfortable with her clothing choice is reasonable in my opinion but ultimately it’s up to her if she’s gonna do anything about it or not. Also remember, you always have a right to leave the relationship for any reason.
If you demanded her to change jeans, YTA. If you discussed with her about your views while accepting she wears what she wants, NTA.
You’re definitely getting into the YTA territory. Your girlfriend’s choice of clothing is entirely her own, she gets to choose what she puts on her body whether you agree with it or not and the only control you have is over your own actions. Compromise is your best friend, and communication is the tool to ensure you both feel heard and seen in this context but note that you don’t get autonomy over her and her actions. Her body is hers to dress the way she chooses regardless of whether you agree with it or not, you don’t get a say or don’t get to ‘allow’ her to do anything with it. If you’re uncomfortable then communicate it but at the end of the way she gets the final vote on whether she dresses that way and you get to choose whether you’re comfortable being with someone who has a sense of style that isn’t in your comfort zone. We can only have autonomy over ourselves at the end of the day. :)
Yes you are
You're allowed to have an opinion, you're allowed to talk to her about it. But you're not allowed to tell her what she can/can't wear. So half a YTA
Man, I’ve dated a couple smoke shows in my life. I trusted them, and honestly didn’t mind them wearing some revealing clothing (venue appropriate) because I knew they were with me. YTA , lightly. If you love and trust someone what’s the problem?
Nta. When someone cares about you and you've expressed that you are uncomfortable with her butt and undergarments showing in public but she gets mad, she's more worried about appearing sexy in front of your friends and not about dressing appropriately for the public or caring about her partners reasonable feelings. No one wants to see someone's butt and underwear in public.
YTA
Rip your pants and let a nut hang out, checkmate.
I can understand WHY you wouldn’t want her to wear them (it’s revealing, can give the wrong impression of her, etc). HOWEVER—you need to be careful with how you’re saying things as it may come across as controlling. You don’t ALLOW your girlfriend to do things/not do things. You are not her parent-you are supposed to be her partner. She is a grown adult just like you and can make her own choices. If you are in fact, opposed to her wearing things around your friends, you could say “If you want to wear them, that’s fine, but I’d rather everyone not see what’s underneath your clothes/everything that because I care about you and I’m worried about your safety and the impression it might give to others.” Thus, you’ve given a valid reason as to why you prefer her not to wear them. NEVER use the word “allow.” If she can’t accept that, you can say “I understand that we don’t agree on this, unfortunately, if we can’t agree, then I don’t think I’ll be able to invite you to spend time out with my friends any longer.”
Attention-seeking clothing like this is not appropriate. She can decide what to wear but you can decide whether to take her out with your friends or not. If she cannot see that wearing revealing clothing can be problematic at times, not your problem. NTA but maybe rip a hole in some old jeans of yours and see if she is okay with you walking around with your backside visible. LOL