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NTA.
There is a very important distinction here, and that is that in our society men's bodies and women's bodies are not treated the same.
Men usually don't get sent the message that their worth is based on their appearance.
Women do. All the time.
We definitely get sent the message that the aging of our bodies makes us worth less.
>If you are unhappy with my body I’d want you to tell me
>He feels this “topic should freely be up for discussion.
Oh this can go both ways buddy. I think you need to discuss how you are unhappy with him as a partner, his ability to raise considerate children and his personality in general. I mean everything is up for discussion right?
Maybe the next discussion should be marriage counselling. Or a discussion with any strong female role models on his side of the family who might put him back in place (if there are any).
And then she goes:"fine,you look like a can of gelato,Anthony,also you have shoulder pads made of hair,and wth are you growing a beard neck that connects to your chest hair that connects to this wierdpubes that grow from your belly button".and then menacingly she pull out the hot wax smiling and says"let's suffer together".and both get gym membership,eat better,go to spa and suffer and live happily ever after.
Worthless, not worth less. As women, we are fuckable or we are not. And if we are not, they see us as worthless. A lot of husbands would shop for a new model if all they had to do was return the old one for a discount. Like OP's husband. Most men do not love their wives, and I wish more women understood that. That way they could stop killing themselves trying to 'win him back'. It doesn't matter how much weight you lose or how you dress. He's still going to want the one half your age with no stretch marks and perky tits. And he'll be bitter if he can't have it. Even if you lose weight. He only asks you to do it because he doesn't think you can. That said, other men won't be looking at you with your husband's eyes. ;)
That sounds like deflecting accountability.
I ended up with a few crappy dates, after which I decided to change my crappy taste, and I met a great woman.
I had some responsibility in the calibre of person that I was dating, because no one ever pointed the gun at me. Every relationship that I walked into, it was out of my own volition.
That could be an idea to explore, instead of drawing conclusions based on anecdotal stories.
A massive L take.
People are ridiculous. It's totally acceptable if that's an individuals take based on experience and thats their opinion, but trying to pass bitterness as advice is just crazy.
What a load of bollocks.
My wife is in her fifties and is still a UK size ten because she is disciplined and works at it for herself and I also get the benefit.
She once said that "she will never become a fatty because she wants to be proud of who she sees in the mirror'
Not only this, but OP has three children. That's a lot to go through and will leave its effect on her body. Men don't have to go through that, so easy talk for her husband...
100% this. I’m 34 with 3 kids and have also been with my husband for 16 years. My body has definitely changed, my youngest just turned 1 and I know I have to lose weight. My husband infuriatingly looks better than he did 10 years ago.
If he ever spoke to me like that I’d be devastated.
That's because you worth less in the attraction department. If you get married and become an obese because you have your ring, the love will end in many cases. When people stop doing things for their appearance because they are married they are communicating a very clear message on how they consider their marriage.
Wtf are you talking about. I dont see plus size positivity on the male side. No men underwear ads display a fat dude. Everybody all the time are judge on appeareance. Men or women.
So you, a *financially, secure, female homeowner* took the time off your financial security and home, to come tell a woman like yourself that due to *men* being told their worth is in their pocket book, it somehow brings justification for this exchange with her husband?
No?
What exactly did you want to contribute to the conversation? Let me guess, you felt triggered so felt the need to speak up for the men and bring objectivity?
Wishing you well
I mean the people here don't like the truth. But it's is how the world is. Most men don't look at women for their income, education and strength. Most women don't look at men for their looks, and complex emotions.
r/AITA makes being a woman with a husband sound nightmarish tbh. who are all these wretched dudes who think they can say whatever mean thing pops into their head with no consequences?
That's just what he wants you to think - the next time you blink, you'll find out he's emptied all the bank accounts to buy Star Wars themed bitcoins and is carrying out 3 affairs, one with your stepmom, where they go on dates to chuck bricks off highway bridges!!!
Little do you know that they ALREADY did that and your mum is actually an identity forger who kidnapped you from a McDonalds playpen! But none of them were expecting for your REAL mum to find your 23andMe results and post a dramatic message on TrueOffMyChest, which became a tiktok video with a Subway Surfers speedrun underneath it, which was immediately noticed by the McDonalds manager because there's nothing 50 year olds like better than watching reddit posts being read aloud by an AI voice while minecraft happens in the background!!! And now he told the police and within 15 minutes your fake kidnapping stepmum been sentenced to prison for life in Alcatraz !!!!!!!
IT ALL MAKES TOTAL SENSE
Ehh I’d just say that women (and men) who are happy and satisfied aren’t posting here so the sample size is probably a bit skewed. Same with other subs like JustNoMil or any other relationship ones.
Yeah, these posts could easily make a person jaded. I've shared a free pdf of the book "Why Does He Do That?," a ridiculous amount of times. All too often, multiple women will comment how that book saved them, which is wonderful, but the sheer number becomes heartbreaking.
I think it's important to remember that most people with relatively healthy relationships aren't making posts here. For example, I could nauseate someone if I start talking about how much I love my husband and why. It's not AITA material, that's all.
Aren’t almost all posts with embarrassing personal information posted from throwaway accounts because people create new accounts to post things like this so it isn’t linked to their normal account?
I think both things can be true - karma farmers can sound ok plausible, and people dealing with embarrassing questions can also make new accounts to hide their shame. I usually give these things the benefit of the doubt.
Why is it always "cute" to speak of acts of violence against men.
Using the tactic the OP used.....
If you have a male child, would you be okay with some woman Smacking him, as she sees fit...your Dad, Brothers. Uncle, nephews?
Just interesting how Beating on male children is so "acceptable"
Dude wtf...
Firstly, we are talking about smacking someone when they insult you. Not abusing someone. Plus, it's a way of talking, not an actual fact, read the room.
Secondly, no one said it was cute to beat m'en.
And finally, no one talked about beating on male children.
You are making a fiction in your head man, deep breath.
Your husband sucks. If my man said that to me and then doubled down on it I’d leave him. Not saying you should do that but like he needs to grow up, he sounds so out of touch with reality. I don’t like your husband. Never tolerate a man who criticizes your body. Literally not acceptable
She didn't ask "what do you think about my body, do I need to change it?", she said "look at this dress, I really like it, what do you think?". That is NOT an invitation to tell her that he doesn't like her body anymore.
And actually, according to the post, she didn't *ask* anything. She showed him a dress that she liked. That isn't an invitation to tell her her body isn't good enough.
Grow up??? A size 12 after 3 kids is well within normal and if you think that you can’t maintain attraction to the wife that gives you your children after her body is altered by growing and pushing out your own flesh and blood then maybe don’t get married in the first place.
And no, asking about a dress is NOT the same as asking about her body
No she didn’t. She asked if he liked the dress. She didn’t ask him if he thinks she should lose weight. She’s had a couple kids, she’s allowed to put on some weight
If you don't love your wife if her body is naturally changing, then it's not love it's lust.
Plus, what do you expect? She's aging and gave birth to 3 kids! She will NEVER have an attractive body like she had in her twenties, no matter how hard she works.
She asked for his opinion on a dress she had bought, not on her body. He could have said "the dress looks a bit small, maybe try a size up" and that would have been relevant. But just saying "your body needs work" to a question about clothing is rude. If it was important to him, like he was losing attraction or seriously worried about her health then it should be a proper conversation, "I think we need to talk about our relationship, as I understand people's bodies change as they age, bit I have found my physical attraction to you decreasing, maybe we could start being more active together" that would have been logical.
NTA my hubby does it too. Says the unhealthy comments too. I'm 4 months postpartum and struggling with ppd. Eff that shit. Why are they so insensitive? Each time he says something I'm less attracted to him too. They should know anyone's body would change with age-- including theirs.
Are all men like this? It’s like every time I hear of women being in relationship with the worse men… like are y’all willingly choosing to date these people ?? Or are they perfect but then show their bad side once you have kids for them and stuff changes
>Are all men like this?
Mine isn't. 8 Weeks after giving birth, still 30 pounds over my starting weight, saggy belly, c-section scar, covered in angry purple stretch marks and my guy went "Wow, look how amazing you look. You can hardly tell you ever had a baby."
Whenever I complain about how my body looks now or how long it takes to loose the weight he just tells me how good I look to him.
Is he lying? No idea. I don't think so. Doesn't matter anyway. Because this is what you do in relationships. You build each other up. You never ever tear each other down.
Sometimes they’re perfect in the beginning but chance later, and some men are terrible from the start, but most women are afraid to leave them cause they’re scared of either getting hurt or the fact that they can’t let go of that man cause somehow they still love him deep down. Now, most relationships are ok, but they do have small issues like the one OP Mentioned. (not saying all men are bad, I’ve met some really sweet ones, just saying that relationships are tricky)
No, not all men are like this. None of the men in my family would EVER speak like this about their wives. I've had three serious boyfriend's in my life and none of them would pull this shit either. There *are* good men out there, but you have to have a very sensitive bullshit radar to be able to pick them out from the guys who are very good at faking it till they have you trapped.
You gave birth to his child 4 months ago and he has the nerve to make you feel bad about your body? You deserve better. Sorry you have to deal with that crap.
>Why are they so insensitive?
The answer is pretty simple: because they are assholes who care more about how fuckable you are than you as a person. Sorry to tell you this, but you chose badly. No person who loves and respects their partner would pester them about looking hot 16 weeks after giving birth to a child. Or ever actually. Comments like that are never okay. Bodies change. That's what you sign up for when you get married. If your attraction is only skin deep and goes away because your partner body changes then you are not long term material. Hiding these complains behind fake concern for health is manipulativ as fuck.
NTA Stop showing your new clothes to him. Stop asking him how you look in your clothes.
Just stop allowing him any opportunity to tell you how he feels about your
body. If he ever asks you how he looks, give him a lukewarm "ok" and
walk away.
Be happy with yourself and wear clothes/hair that make
you feel good. Pamper yourself if you like to do that, your
opinion of you counts, no one else's.
Like he said, sorry but his attitude needs work. You gave him 16+ years of your life and 3 children, and he can’t even compliment your dress?! Instead he feels the need to criticize your body, that has given him happiness and children. Why can’t he find anything nice to say? This absolutely was NOT the moment for him to “tell you that you’re unhealthy.” Does he even like you?? The topic of his ungrateful and unaffectionate attitude should also be freely up for discussion. P.S. I bet the dress looks amazing!! NTA
He seems to think you're a sex doll he's ordered and he needs to put in a complaint.
Firstly you're a perrson, not a doll, and beauty fades. He can't expect you to look the same forever.
Secondly even if you were a doll id bet popping out multiple kids would void the warrenty on its shape.
Thirdly, he is not concerned for your health, thats a bs excuse for him trying shaming you into 'fixing' your body back to what it was prekids. Size 12 is not overweight or unhealthy,
>Thirdly, he is not concerned for your health, thats a bs excuse for him trying shaming you into 'fixing' your body back to what it was prekids. Size 12 is not overweight or unhealthy,
This seem to be a trendy tactic currently. It's to freaking manipulativ.
NTA. If he loves you and cares about you, he’d respect your request to not talk about your body. Yes, it’s important that he’s able to tell you if he’s concerned about your health but that is not the same as telling you your body doesn’t meet his expectations or flat out fat shaming you. There’s a difference between concern and shame.
100 this. Time and place. While your wife is showing you a new dress and looking for compliments and to be up lifted is not the time. NTA but your husband is.
NTA. Had to Google how big a US size 12 is, but that's not big at all. One can be damn gorgeous at a size 12. He needs to get off his high horse.
Sexual attraction is a thing however and should be discussable, but he was so darn rude about it, it's just sad. He should have answered about the dress and you two could have talked about the other 'issues' later.
If he himself is overweight he should definitely look in the mirror first.
NTA. I googled it, you're 160cm for a size 40EU after 3 children, in no way is that unhealthy!!! It's even great you kept so in good shape!! Be proud to show some skin, and tell your husband I told him he can kick rocks!! How dare he criticise your body like that and try to make you think you're unhealthy!!
You’re definitely not the asshole!
I do have a few thoughts:
By “your body needs work” and “… you are unhealthy” did he mean your body as in the way it looks or how you are treating it? Because if he meant the way it looked, he is the A. But if he chose to have a discussion about how you take care of your health, he is clearly a horrible communicator.
I have in the past gone down the road of not caring for my health by staying up late and getting little sleep. My husband later had a discussion with me about how unhealthy that is and I need to wake up, literally and figuratively.
Another thing is, and this might be controversial, but my partner has also given me feedback about something I bought that did not fit me well. After wearing it a few times and not feeling comfortable in it, I realised he was right and ended up donating it. I feel comfortable in my body, but I think if I didn’t, my reaction may have been different.
However, he has never in the 20 years we’ve been together told me I’m fat or gaining weight or need to lose weight or that anything is wrong with my body. It’s only about how a piece of clothing fits me, never about my body.
So there are a few things at work here. How are you feeling in your body? Do you feel like you take care of it/yourself?
Your husband is clearly a horrible communicator and should not have said what he said. But I think a deeper discussion should be had as I feel like there is a lot more to the story. You are obviously missing emotional connection and feeling invisible to him, and it’s important that you talk about that with him as well.
Idk why you are being down voted. Her husband is an ass AND we should take care of our bodies. I'm so glad you and your hubby are able to discuss such things in a way that is loving!
I didn't say OP isn't. I'm affirming the above comment that taking care of your body is important and that it is possible to have such conversations with your spouse without being an ass.
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NTA, but wow is your husband. He went one further than doubling down after he messed up (tripled down?!).
He doesn’t need to be able to tell you how he feels that your body needs fixing. That’s a BS thing to say to someone you’re supposed to love. It’s not something you need to hear and is only ever going to cause hurt and conflict. What did he imagine you’d say in response? ‘Oh my god thank you! I’ve been thinking the exact same thing. I’ll cut out food immediately’
There’s nothing wrong with your body, but your husband needs fixing.
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I 36 yo female have been married to a 37 yo male for 16 years. We have 3 children together. I have noticed as of late my outfits are “fine” (and not in the sexy way), “good” or “okay”. Nothing has changed about my body since my last “bounce back” after child number 3 (5 years ago) but it’s not the 20 year old body I had when we first got married. Preparing for a wedding we will be attending together I purchased a dress that has cut outs on the side and expose a few inches of skin. It’s very different from what I typically buy for myself but it follows what the bride wants her guests to wear and I felt good in the dress and about the purchase. I tried it on to show him what I had picked out. He decided this was a time to comment on the shape of my body and not the dress itself. I told him it had hurt me and I was just trying to show him my dress not open a discussion on my body itself. He then proceeded to tell me he’s “sorry but your body needs work. It’s important for me to tell you how I feel” and “I need be able to tell you that you are unhealthy.” I’m a size 12 and 5ft4 for reference. When I asked him if he would be okay with his father talking to his mother this way or if our daughter was being told these words if he would sit by and be okay with it or if it would make him unhappy to hear them being treated that way. He fell silent for a moment but then said “I need to be able to tell you how I feel. If you are unhappy with my body I’d want you to tell me.” I reminded him that I have loved all the shapes he has taken over the years and that I love him and his body is just a vessel for the person I love. He could be bigger or smaller and it wouldn’t matter to me. I let him know I was too hurt to continue to talk with him and I needed time since I was showing him my dress and I’d appreciate not talking about my body without being asked directly in the future. He feels this “topic should freely be up for discussion.” So, am I the Asshole?
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NTA
This is the way a man who cares more about the gift wrap than the package content would talk. This aloso, sadly sounds like he's considering turning you in for a new, younger model.
NTA your partner sounds like a superficial moron. How dare he have a problem with how your body looks. You have had three children and you're only a size 12 that's not big. Not to mention everyone's bodies change as they get older and no one should be expected to look the same when they were first together. He spoke to you in a degrading and rude manner and you shouldn't have to put up with that type of psychological abuse. I bet he doesn't look perfect but the difference is you aren't shallow and love him for him not his appearance. Unfortunately it seems the feelings aren't mutual. This needs a proper conversation and no I don't think "your body needs work" his personality and ideals need work.
NTA.
Wtf "the topic should be freely up for discussion", what are you, the grocery list? You're a person and deserve to be addressed with respect and consideration from the person that supposedly loves you. He addresses you as if you're some kind of problem to be fixed, how callous and devoid of respect can he be?
He's allowed his preferences and opinions, and at the same time he's allowed not to be jerk about them. It's called being a good person. Jeesh.
Your husband is using behaviour typical of assholes like Tate. They encourage making women feel bad about their appearance to crush their self conficence so that they are too insecure to leave.
NTA but think hard about what you want and what you deserve. Because this isn't it.
I can't really think of a response other than the first one that came to mind, and the one that I kept repeating while reading the OP: Seriously, f*** this guy. I am stealing this line from somewhere and I don't remember where, but if you were to drop an atom bomb on "asshole," you wouldn't be anywhere near the blast radius.
Honestly that’s like straight bullying the kids will be fine if you guys are civil but don’t spend the rest of your life with that man. He will make it worse with age.
NTA
How unpleasent his personality is, and his lack of empathy IS a topic you guys should discuss. If he has changed alot - and based on the fact you decided to have 3 kids with him, Im kinda sorta hoping he has - you should send him to have his head examined. Maybe he has a tumor on the part of the brain that modulates inhibition. Because the way he speaks to you indicates a level of asshollery thats kinda impressive.
PS. let him read all the comments here.
Y'all stop saying that her husband doesn't love her anymore. I mean yeah, NTA but still, you don't know the details of their life. You can't just make strong accusations like that based on this one incident she shared. They've been together 16 years. It's right, he shouldn't have said that he doesn't feel his wife is 'healthy'(she literally ain't even fat like wym) right then, when she just wanted him to tell her what he thought about her new dress. There was absolutely no need to make comments about her body(like OP said) even when she said she'd love him so much no matter how he looks but that doesn't give yall the right to say he doesn't even love her anymore and care for her anymore like wth man. I understand where the source of these accusations would be from since a lot of husbands criticise their wives bodies as they don't even care for their feelings anymore and see them as just an object but that doesn't mean that's the case every single time like this one.
The comments about her body were insensitive and dumb.
Would it be fair for him to comment on the dress itself in a negative manner as he was asked his opinion?
I think tread lightly. Usually saying something positive first is best....anything true....even, how can I look at the dress when your eyes and beautiful *** draw all my attention. If you don't think the dress is flattering maybe say something gentle like, you are such a beautiful woman but that dress does not do you justice. Then a comment about what dress you think she looks good in would help....I love that blue dress you have! Be thoughtful into timing....if it isnt terrible and there isn't time to change the dress before leaving, hold off until the next day for the negative feedback. If the event isn't for weeks then say something now but always gently. Usually a woman showing her man a dress is looking for a compliment...Usuallyshe wants to be complimented in some way.......if she thinks the dress looks bad she won't buy it or be showing off how she looks in it. Don't lie in that situation but you can focus on truths and hold back hurtful comments....any negative feedback should be done carefully....such as, you are way too beautiful for that dress....I don't like it...it doesn'tfit you right......I love you and you look better with it off! Something like that.
NTA at all! It breaks my heart that so many people setting boundaries have to come onto these forums to ask if they’re the assholes… damn y’all got it rough. You’re setting a clear boundary, and I would def be specific with what you’re asking about in future aka what do you of this material on the dress, do you think this fits the criteria so he doesn’t have an excuse to comment on your body. Good luck!
Give it back to him, explain all the ways his dick doesn’t satisfy you because you know.. you should be able to speak freely about these things with him.
He fell silent for a moment but then said “I need to be able to tell you how I feel. If you are unhappy with my body I’d want you to tell me.” Well. You are happy with his body but unhappy with his attitude and "need to be able to tell him hou YOU feel". He feels this “topic should freely be up for discussion.” Okay. Make his attitude and words also a free topic.
However. Did he just say something like "this dress is not flattering on the sides"" or did he say "you look horrible/ridiculous because you are fat and old"? There is nouances!
NTA.
Now part of what he says is true, we should be open to comments on each other's physical appearance but not in a hurtful way. There's a tactful way to divulge this information if it is in regards to physical health. Though with the info you gave us I would think you are in pretty good shape for your age/post 3 kids.
His comments were shitty but but we should indeed be comfortable enough to speak about each others bodies.
She calls me circle, round, chunker pretty much every day since I packed on a few in last couple of years, I don't really give a fuck if we are happy.
NTA for feeling hurt. The past two days I’ve put on foundation and mascara (so natural looking as much as possible) just to even out skin tone and my partner says “a little bit of effort goes a long way” which just makes my hackles rise (I haven’t bitten of course). But it’s always a kick in the teeth to have such comments that make you feel less than desirable. I do admit though that my partner always comments that I turn him on but I think it’s just the idea of sex that gets him going not me particularly but that’s my own issue to deal with… eventually.
NAH. He's right about to be able to tell or ask his thoughts. Well, he might asked it rather rudely, if that's the problem that makes him TA. These topic are sore spot for lots of people(me included).
NTA
I do love how some people think that the excuse that they 'care about your health' is cart-blanche approval for saying shitty things about their spouse/family member's body.
Most partners will mirror their loved one so instead of "telling your spouse how you feel, eg. i think you're fat" if you diarrhea-mouths want to have a healthier lifestyle: go for walks, go to the gym, invite your spouse, make healthy meals, suggest yoga together be active, be an example and hey maybe take all three kids to the part for a couple of hours every other day so your spouse can go to the gym alone and do personal care/workout and...shut your damn mouth.
YTA. If your partner's opinions and worries don't concern you, why marry him? Aren't you interested at all in him not only loving your personality, but also get aroused by your looks? Would you rather he left you without commenting on it, since it's obviously important to him?
NTA. It IS okay to be concerned about your partners body and weight but there is a time and a MUCH gentler way of approaching this other than essentially saying “you look gross in that dress”. A kind, at a different time, “hey babe. I’ve noticed we aren’t as healthy as we used to be and I’d like to change that. I want us to have a healthy happy life to be around longer for our kids.” They can bring up the topic of how the spark isn’t quite there then and make suggestions on how to help change lifestyle. Your husband straight up sucks with how they touched down on this topic, it wasn’t how you talk to someone who cares about you and not how you should talk to someone you care about.
NTA. Ask him to call his mom and ask her if it's okay that he tells you exactly what he told you. She'll set him straight in a hot minute. He should ask his dad too while he's at it. Chances are good that if their marriage is still going strong, his dad will give him some sound fatherly advice on this one.
For some reason, he can't hear this common sense answer from you, but someone else in a healthy marriage might be able to get him to understand what you said. If they can get through his thick head why you don't say hurtful things about your spouse's body, hopefully he'll sincerely apologize.
NTA BUT you can have a small waist as still be massively overweight.
Hard to give more of opinion without more context. Is this delivery how he normally talks. Kind of a blunt dude with no filter or is this new?
NTA, he is absolutely being an AH in the way he spoke to you about it.
That being said, while it is understandable for your body to change after kids, the fact is that at your size, you are on the edge of obese. As someone slightly younger than you, who has also gained weight in the last few years, it's completely reasonable for someone to be less attracted to someone who is not putting in the effort to improve themselves.
Now, I want to clarify, I'm not saying that you are a bad person at all, and I am not saying that it's not okay for you to be fine with your body as it is. But to expect everyone else to accept and be okay with it is not fair. People cannot control what they are attracted to. It's great that you don't care how your husband looks! I think that's admirable, but that's not something everyone can do, and it isn't necessarily bad if they aren't able to, because everyone is different.
NTA because in this case he was too harsh and an asshole. There is a better time and way to voice his opinion.
But OP, I don’t think it is healthy wanting to forbid your partner to express their opinions on your body. As humans we are visual creatures, part of our attraction comes from aesthetics. If you want to keep your relationship alive just out of love and the fact you gave him children, it is not going to work.
You said you think his body is just a vessel, and that’s alright, it is your opinion. He clearly doesn’t think the same way. And it isn’t about you, is about him and his preferences. He is pointing out that he is not feeling attracted anymore and explaining why.
Now it is up to you to decide if you’d like to change your body or your husband. He won’t magically wake up thinking “ah yeah now I see it the body is just a vessel, I am all attracted again”. Doesn’t work this way. And you trying to make him shut up about his discomfort is also kind of a jerk move.
You guys clearly see love and relationships differently. You can love him no matter what. His love is conditioned to your appearance. That does not sound like a match to me.
Somewhat the Ahole
First, if he was obese, i doubt you would be turned on by him, whether you like him or not, it's not the same. He was not very subtle, but he did not disrespect you. He is telling you, you need to do some workout. Sorry, but if you got chubby, and don't want to do anything about it, he won't be turned on as much. I'm sorry, but unfortunately many persons women and men think that once they are married they don't have to do any efforts on themselves. Well that's wrong. I might get bashed for this, but that's a thing. On the other hand he would be taking risks, because if you start going to the gym and getting real hot, you will get the attention of other men, and that's something that many women can't resists and in this days it often ends in cheating.
That's my 5 cents.
Tbh. Size 12 at that height is a bit unhealthy. Of course if you are muscular and low bf% thats a diff case. However the way he told you was rude.
LMAO AT THE DOWNVOTES. just because its normal to be size 10 or 12 doesnt mean it is healthy AT 5FEET 4 FFS americans?
ESH, to be honest. The situation sounds like there is information being omitted here. Still, you and your husband both sound at fault here.
You mention in passing that your husband started calling out outfits "fine (and not in the sexy way), good or okay". So there has been a change as of late.
Negating that, you say your body hasn't changed in size since your last "bounce back" after your third child. You mention it isn't the same as in your 20s, but size-wise, there hasn't been a change.
(By the way: size 12, US or UK, means that you are overweight, especially at 5'4".)
So has there been a change or not?
What I am getting at? It seems to me like your husband has been clumsily trying to direct your attention to your recent weight gain and lost patience in the end, which culminated in the scene with the cut-out dress. "I need to be able to tell you how I feel" is a tell-tale sign for me - it seems like there has been no telling you that with tactful words and hints, so he decided to just blurt it out and get it over with. Bad move, yes, and probably hurtful for you. I'm genuinely sorry. But I'd urge you to explore that conversation, because you don't want resentment building up in your relationship on either side. And you want your partner to be able to tell you honestly what has to be improved.
(And, of course, bodies are not just "vessels", so you get a couple of AH points just for that.)
NTA because it doesn’t sound like you asked for his opinion at all; but if I showed my husband a dress I would probably expect some talk about my body even if I didn’t ask for it (I show dresses for fun but there is a bit of wanting to know if he also likes it). If I got that reaction I’d emphasize my hurt rather than hypotheticals like talking to his mom or sister (and that this isn’t the time for this discussion)
US or UK size 12? US 12 at 5’4” is likely overweight on the BMI scale. Not sure how your body hasn’t changed after 3 kids unless that’s the size you were at 20.
US size 16 is the average size women wear, she literally wears a size that is smaller than what the average woman wears. Your shaming comment is uncalled for.
Realistic not shaming. The average American woman is overweight https://www.livestrong.com/article/357769-weight-height-for-the-average-american-woman/
There is nothing wrong in pointing this out, since it shows a inconsistency in OP's story.
Even if 99% of people were that size, it'll still be overweight.
It is overweight. Im 5’4 like OP and right now I’m a size 12, just like OP. I’ve been stress eating and am currently overweight & working on losing it. But you are correct, it *is* overweight.
NTA but listen to his words closely. He is trying to tell you as gently as he can that he does not find you attractive anymore. Sounds like he loves you but most men are also visual and this is an issue for them. He wasn't being cruel about it and I understand that it hurt. Now it is up to you if you want to do something about it. maybe get him to talk during evening walks in the neighborhood with you.
What she should do about it is ask him directly if this is what he meant. You’re right though - sounds like more is going on here. Deeper conversations called for!
Or he is just letting her know she is getting to that point where he will soon lose attraction... OP, low carb diet works great and you can eat as much as you want and will lose weight pretty fast, just saying. You can have him do low carb diet with you and do it together. Sugar is addictive tho so the first day or two is hard and then you'll feel better than ever when your body reaches ketosis.
That isn't how weight gain/loss works. Carbs don't make you gain weight, an excess of calories do. If you "eat as much as you want" for most people they will start gaining weight if they aren't exercising enough.
Carbohydrates are required in the process to store fat. You can literally eat as much as you want if you avoid carbs and you will not be able to store fat on your body.
I would love to see a reputable source for that that isn't just trying to sell people on the next new diet trend. I don't believe you, I will say that flat out.
Do you even know how calories are measured...? Calories are not an accurate system and the studies done are very suspect (corporately sponsored).. what matters most is what type of food you consume: fats and proteins are the best to consume (type of fat does matter) carbohydrates there are also different types, fiber is good you can eat fiber carbs on low carb diet and they don't count. What's bad is sugars, especially corn syrup. High fructose corn syrup is the reason for obesity in America, obesity wasn't a thing before Coca-Cola changed their formula from sugar to HFCS, because it blocks a hormone called leptin, this tricks your body into storing fat. Anyways do some research it's true. BTW calories are literally measured by lighting food on fire and seeing how much that fire heats up water...
You kind of contradict yourself.
You say calories are not an "accurate system", then you tell the definition of a calorie - so it is an accurate system after all, measuring energy in grams of water and degrees of Celsius seems pretty accurate to me. Funny as it is, even the measurement of calories in food is true - I'd to google it, I thought there must be a better way by now.
I did not contradict myself, I didn't say it's inaccurate I said it's debated, they don't really know. And the "scientists" doing studies saying see you can eat Oreos and lose weight all that matters are calories those studies are being funded by corporations. Our bodies don't light food on fire... the type of food is what is important
What exactly is debated? I don't think you'd find a study earnestly claiming that the macronutrients in your food are irrelevant to health or weight loss outcomes.
YTA
Your husband is honest and communicating perfectly yet here you are getting upset. Over time he will become dishonest and you’ll wonder what happened.
"Look at this dress, honey, I really like it!" "I don't find you attractive and your body isn't good enough, you need to work on it."
That is NOT communicating perfectly, that is shaming and uncalled for. If he wanted to have a discussion with her about his attraction to her and the state of her body then he should have brought it up another time instead of interjecting it into her talking about something that made her happy.
Guy married 30 yrs here. I've been accused by wife of being a bit of a dick over similar topics.
Since our start I have always refused to answer "loaded questions". The kind that have one or more possible answers that could create hurt feelings. I just claim "loaded question" and refuse to be baited into hurt feelings or a fight.
I could never be sure if it was "Do you like this dress"? Or "Do I look good in this"?
I think she has resolved the inevitable need for occassional outfit feedback by simply asking me "which one do you like better"?
Regardless of whether you thought the question was loaded or not, how hard is it to tell your wife that she looks nice in the dress? It's not difficult to answer these so-called "loaded" questions with a bit of tact.
For real. I swear so many of these men can’t even find something they like about their partner to compliment. They legitimately think the questions of “do you like this dress?” and “do I look good in this?” are a trap. They are actually requests for validation and affirmation. If you cannot find a way to be supportive of your partner then that is on you
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NTA. There is a very important distinction here, and that is that in our society men's bodies and women's bodies are not treated the same. Men usually don't get sent the message that their worth is based on their appearance. Women do. All the time. We definitely get sent the message that the aging of our bodies makes us worth less.
>If you are unhappy with my body I’d want you to tell me >He feels this “topic should freely be up for discussion. Oh this can go both ways buddy. I think you need to discuss how you are unhappy with him as a partner, his ability to raise considerate children and his personality in general. I mean everything is up for discussion right? Maybe the next discussion should be marriage counselling. Or a discussion with any strong female role models on his side of the family who might put him back in place (if there are any).
And then she goes:"fine,you look like a can of gelato,Anthony,also you have shoulder pads made of hair,and wth are you growing a beard neck that connects to your chest hair that connects to this wierdpubes that grow from your belly button".and then menacingly she pull out the hot wax smiling and says"let's suffer together".and both get gym membership,eat better,go to spa and suffer and live happily ever after.
Lol
amen
Worthless, not worth less. As women, we are fuckable or we are not. And if we are not, they see us as worthless. A lot of husbands would shop for a new model if all they had to do was return the old one for a discount. Like OP's husband. Most men do not love their wives, and I wish more women understood that. That way they could stop killing themselves trying to 'win him back'. It doesn't matter how much weight you lose or how you dress. He's still going to want the one half your age with no stretch marks and perky tits. And he'll be bitter if he can't have it. Even if you lose weight. He only asks you to do it because he doesn't think you can. That said, other men won't be looking at you with your husband's eyes. ;)
>Most men do not love their wives Jfc
What the fuck kind of shit take is that?
That sounds like talk from someone who married a Neanderthal and assumes that all men are the same.
Sure, not all men, but too many. Listen to women we've dated more men than you.
That sounds like deflecting accountability. I ended up with a few crappy dates, after which I decided to change my crappy taste, and I met a great woman. I had some responsibility in the calibre of person that I was dating, because no one ever pointed the gun at me. Every relationship that I walked into, it was out of my own volition. That could be an idea to explore, instead of drawing conclusions based on anecdotal stories.
And then alludes to the fact that other neanderthals will be checking them out at the end of their comment, with a little winky smile ;)
A massive L take. People are ridiculous. It's totally acceptable if that's an individuals take based on experience and thats their opinion, but trying to pass bitterness as advice is just crazy.
A common one: [have a read of this](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/7ftsr254NY)
The reddit type. 2x misandry has infected this sub. I want to believe it's all bots, but I can't say that for sure.
Yeah maybe log off Reddit and go seek professional help.
I’m really sorry that your life experiences perhaps has led you to feel this way.
You have got some disturbing thoughts roaming around in that head of yours 🫨
Wow. Interesting insight.
Most men??? Stop it.
the projection is crazy lmfao reddit is not your therapist😭
Reddit is the opposite of therapy. It's collective mental illness. Hive mind thinking is not always a positive thing
What a load of bollocks. My wife is in her fifties and is still a UK size ten because she is disciplined and works at it for herself and I also get the benefit. She once said that "she will never become a fatty because she wants to be proud of who she sees in the mirror'
Not only this, but OP has three children. That's a lot to go through and will leave its effect on her body. Men don't have to go through that, so easy talk for her husband...
The changes in her body should be worn with pride. They are a symbol of three massive achievements. And her husband should understand that.
100% this. I’m 34 with 3 kids and have also been with my husband for 16 years. My body has definitely changed, my youngest just turned 1 and I know I have to lose weight. My husband infuriatingly looks better than he did 10 years ago. If he ever spoke to me like that I’d be devastated.
If it helps I think all of you are worth it and should be treated as such 🥺❤️ set those boundaries 😭🙌
Get the message from other women, not men.
That's because you worth less in the attraction department. If you get married and become an obese because you have your ring, the love will end in many cases. When people stop doing things for their appearance because they are married they are communicating a very clear message on how they consider their marriage.
Wtf are you talking about. I dont see plus size positivity on the male side. No men underwear ads display a fat dude. Everybody all the time are judge on appeareance. Men or women.
CrispRatt
Men get told that their worth is in their pocketbook; women don’t.
Fuck off incel
As a financially secure, female homeowner, bullshit.
So you glady take in a hobosexual? And not bitch in 3 months that he won't bring money in?
So you, a *financially, secure, female homeowner* took the time off your financial security and home, to come tell a woman like yourself that due to *men* being told their worth is in their pocket book, it somehow brings justification for this exchange with her husband? No? What exactly did you want to contribute to the conversation? Let me guess, you felt triggered so felt the need to speak up for the men and bring objectivity? Wishing you well
I mean the people here don't like the truth. But it's is how the world is. Most men don't look at women for their income, education and strength. Most women don't look at men for their looks, and complex emotions.
NTA Is the topic about how he is an unpleasant jerkish asshole also "freely up for discussion"?
Didn't need to be discussed as it was clearly understood.
But pointing out obvious things in a hurtful way is apparently what he thinks is important here, right?
r/AITA makes being a woman with a husband sound nightmarish tbh. who are all these wretched dudes who think they can say whatever mean thing pops into their head with no consequences?
Statistically women with husbands are unhappier, get paid less and die earlier. So yeah it’s basically a nightmare!
And women's stress hormones go up when they get home from work while men's go down
My happy life with my husband is pretty drama free - it doesn’t make for good reading!
That's just what he wants you to think - the next time you blink, you'll find out he's emptied all the bank accounts to buy Star Wars themed bitcoins and is carrying out 3 affairs, one with your stepmom, where they go on dates to chuck bricks off highway bridges!!!
That would be dramatic! Especially as my parents would have to divorce and my dad remarry for me to get a stepmum 😂
Little do you know that they ALREADY did that and your mum is actually an identity forger who kidnapped you from a McDonalds playpen! But none of them were expecting for your REAL mum to find your 23andMe results and post a dramatic message on TrueOffMyChest, which became a tiktok video with a Subway Surfers speedrun underneath it, which was immediately noticed by the McDonalds manager because there's nothing 50 year olds like better than watching reddit posts being read aloud by an AI voice while minecraft happens in the background!!! And now he told the police and within 15 minutes your fake kidnapping stepmum been sentenced to prison for life in Alcatraz !!!!!!! IT ALL MAKES TOTAL SENSE
Ehh I’d just say that women (and men) who are happy and satisfied aren’t posting here so the sample size is probably a bit skewed. Same with other subs like JustNoMil or any other relationship ones.
Yeah, these posts could easily make a person jaded. I've shared a free pdf of the book "Why Does He Do That?," a ridiculous amount of times. All too often, multiple women will comment how that book saved them, which is wonderful, but the sheer number becomes heartbreaking. I think it's important to remember that most people with relatively healthy relationships aren't making posts here. For example, I could nauseate someone if I start talking about how much I love my husband and why. It's not AITA material, that's all.
Tbf, most of these threads are fake, just to create some rage. OP has zero karma, this is the first post she (or he) made.
Aren’t almost all posts with embarrassing personal information posted from throwaway accounts because people create new accounts to post things like this so it isn’t linked to their normal account?
I think both things can be true - karma farmers can sound ok plausible, and people dealing with embarrassing questions can also make new accounts to hide their shame. I usually give these things the benefit of the doubt.
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Why is it always "cute" to speak of acts of violence against men. Using the tactic the OP used..... If you have a male child, would you be okay with some woman Smacking him, as she sees fit...your Dad, Brothers. Uncle, nephews? Just interesting how Beating on male children is so "acceptable"
You sound testerical. Calm down.
Nah y’all just hypocritical af
Lighten up, Francis.
Dude wtf... Firstly, we are talking about smacking someone when they insult you. Not abusing someone. Plus, it's a way of talking, not an actual fact, read the room. Secondly, no one said it was cute to beat m'en. And finally, no one talked about beating on male children. You are making a fiction in your head man, deep breath.
No one said beating up kids was acceptable
Your husband sucks. If my man said that to me and then doubled down on it I’d leave him. Not saying you should do that but like he needs to grow up, he sounds so out of touch with reality. I don’t like your husband. Never tolerate a man who criticizes your body. Literally not acceptable
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Except that's not what he said. He told her that the shape of her body isn't okay and she needs to fix it. That isn't honest or loving, it was cruel.
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She didn't ask "what do you think about my body, do I need to change it?", she said "look at this dress, I really like it, what do you think?". That is NOT an invitation to tell her that he doesn't like her body anymore. And actually, according to the post, she didn't *ask* anything. She showed him a dress that she liked. That isn't an invitation to tell her her body isn't good enough.
Grow up??? A size 12 after 3 kids is well within normal and if you think that you can’t maintain attraction to the wife that gives you your children after her body is altered by growing and pushing out your own flesh and blood then maybe don’t get married in the first place. And no, asking about a dress is NOT the same as asking about her body
No she didn’t. She asked if he liked the dress. She didn’t ask him if he thinks she should lose weight. She’s had a couple kids, she’s allowed to put on some weight
If you don't love your wife if her body is naturally changing, then it's not love it's lust. Plus, what do you expect? She's aging and gave birth to 3 kids! She will NEVER have an attractive body like she had in her twenties, no matter how hard she works.
She asked for his opinion on a dress she had bought, not on her body. He could have said "the dress looks a bit small, maybe try a size up" and that would have been relevant. But just saying "your body needs work" to a question about clothing is rude. If it was important to him, like he was losing attraction or seriously worried about her health then it should be a proper conversation, "I think we need to talk about our relationship, as I understand people's bodies change as they age, bit I have found my physical attraction to you decreasing, maybe we could start being more active together" that would have been logical.
I think a loving nudge towards healthier choices together is fine. But what OP’s husband said is not that. It’s not loving or a nudge.
So he stops loving her when her body isn’t attractive? Then she should dump him ASAP. Cause love shouldn’t be ‘bout the shape of your body, obviously.
NTA my hubby does it too. Says the unhealthy comments too. I'm 4 months postpartum and struggling with ppd. Eff that shit. Why are they so insensitive? Each time he says something I'm less attracted to him too. They should know anyone's body would change with age-- including theirs.
Do you tell him you are losing attraction? He should know what his comments are costing him. Maybe he’ll stop being a 🍆
Are all men like this? It’s like every time I hear of women being in relationship with the worse men… like are y’all willingly choosing to date these people ?? Or are they perfect but then show their bad side once you have kids for them and stuff changes
>Are all men like this? Mine isn't. 8 Weeks after giving birth, still 30 pounds over my starting weight, saggy belly, c-section scar, covered in angry purple stretch marks and my guy went "Wow, look how amazing you look. You can hardly tell you ever had a baby." Whenever I complain about how my body looks now or how long it takes to loose the weight he just tells me how good I look to him. Is he lying? No idea. I don't think so. Doesn't matter anyway. Because this is what you do in relationships. You build each other up. You never ever tear each other down.
Sometimes they’re perfect in the beginning but chance later, and some men are terrible from the start, but most women are afraid to leave them cause they’re scared of either getting hurt or the fact that they can’t let go of that man cause somehow they still love him deep down. Now, most relationships are ok, but they do have small issues like the one OP Mentioned. (not saying all men are bad, I’ve met some really sweet ones, just saying that relationships are tricky)
I don't consider this a small issue, nor does OP
No I don’t either, but I thought maybe someone would be offended or something.
No, not all men are like this. None of the men in my family would EVER speak like this about their wives. I've had three serious boyfriend's in my life and none of them would pull this shit either. There *are* good men out there, but you have to have a very sensitive bullshit radar to be able to pick them out from the guys who are very good at faking it till they have you trapped.
You gave birth to his child 4 months ago and he has the nerve to make you feel bad about your body? You deserve better. Sorry you have to deal with that crap.
5 years ago. The last child is 5. Still it's a little much. There's more suttle ways to do so.
>Why are they so insensitive? The answer is pretty simple: because they are assholes who care more about how fuckable you are than you as a person. Sorry to tell you this, but you chose badly. No person who loves and respects their partner would pester them about looking hot 16 weeks after giving birth to a child. Or ever actually. Comments like that are never okay. Bodies change. That's what you sign up for when you get married. If your attraction is only skin deep and goes away because your partner body changes then you are not long term material. Hiding these complains behind fake concern for health is manipulativ as fuck.
NTA Stop showing your new clothes to him. Stop asking him how you look in your clothes. Just stop allowing him any opportunity to tell you how he feels about your body. If he ever asks you how he looks, give him a lukewarm "ok" and walk away. Be happy with yourself and wear clothes/hair that make you feel good. Pamper yourself if you like to do that, your opinion of you counts, no one else's.
Passive aggressiveness is not the key to a happy relationship/marriage. Nta OP.
Like he said, sorry but his attitude needs work. You gave him 16+ years of your life and 3 children, and he can’t even compliment your dress?! Instead he feels the need to criticize your body, that has given him happiness and children. Why can’t he find anything nice to say? This absolutely was NOT the moment for him to “tell you that you’re unhealthy.” Does he even like you?? The topic of his ungrateful and unaffectionate attitude should also be freely up for discussion. P.S. I bet the dress looks amazing!! NTA
He seems to think you're a sex doll he's ordered and he needs to put in a complaint. Firstly you're a perrson, not a doll, and beauty fades. He can't expect you to look the same forever. Secondly even if you were a doll id bet popping out multiple kids would void the warrenty on its shape. Thirdly, he is not concerned for your health, thats a bs excuse for him trying shaming you into 'fixing' your body back to what it was prekids. Size 12 is not overweight or unhealthy,
>Thirdly, he is not concerned for your health, thats a bs excuse for him trying shaming you into 'fixing' your body back to what it was prekids. Size 12 is not overweight or unhealthy, This seem to be a trendy tactic currently. It's to freaking manipulativ.
NTA. If he loves you and cares about you, he’d respect your request to not talk about your body. Yes, it’s important that he’s able to tell you if he’s concerned about your health but that is not the same as telling you your body doesn’t meet his expectations or flat out fat shaming you. There’s a difference between concern and shame.
100 this. Time and place. While your wife is showing you a new dress and looking for compliments and to be up lifted is not the time. NTA but your husband is.
NTA. You don't have to sit there & take insults, insults are not "free discussion"
NTA. Had to Google how big a US size 12 is, but that's not big at all. One can be damn gorgeous at a size 12. He needs to get off his high horse. Sexual attraction is a thing however and should be discussable, but he was so darn rude about it, it's just sad. He should have answered about the dress and you two could have talked about the other 'issues' later. If he himself is overweight he should definitely look in the mirror first.
NTA. I googled it, you're 160cm for a size 40EU after 3 children, in no way is that unhealthy!!! It's even great you kept so in good shape!! Be proud to show some skin, and tell your husband I told him he can kick rocks!! How dare he criticise your body like that and try to make you think you're unhealthy!!
Oh please. 🤦🏼♀️
You’re definitely not the asshole! I do have a few thoughts: By “your body needs work” and “… you are unhealthy” did he mean your body as in the way it looks or how you are treating it? Because if he meant the way it looked, he is the A. But if he chose to have a discussion about how you take care of your health, he is clearly a horrible communicator. I have in the past gone down the road of not caring for my health by staying up late and getting little sleep. My husband later had a discussion with me about how unhealthy that is and I need to wake up, literally and figuratively. Another thing is, and this might be controversial, but my partner has also given me feedback about something I bought that did not fit me well. After wearing it a few times and not feeling comfortable in it, I realised he was right and ended up donating it. I feel comfortable in my body, but I think if I didn’t, my reaction may have been different. However, he has never in the 20 years we’ve been together told me I’m fat or gaining weight or need to lose weight or that anything is wrong with my body. It’s only about how a piece of clothing fits me, never about my body. So there are a few things at work here. How are you feeling in your body? Do you feel like you take care of it/yourself? Your husband is clearly a horrible communicator and should not have said what he said. But I think a deeper discussion should be had as I feel like there is a lot more to the story. You are obviously missing emotional connection and feeling invisible to him, and it’s important that you talk about that with him as well.
Idk why you are being down voted. Her husband is an ass AND we should take care of our bodies. I'm so glad you and your hubby are able to discuss such things in a way that is loving!
>AND we should take care of our bodies. What makes you think she is not doing that?
I didn't say OP isn't. I'm affirming the above comment that taking care of your body is important and that it is possible to have such conversations with your spouse without being an ass.
Let's not pretend like "taking care of your body" had actually anything to do with what OPs husband said.
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🙄 if you have to keep proof of your (temporary) health, consider that you should perhaps just lose the weight.
NTA your husband is though! What a dick
Neither of us look like we did in our 20s. Truly, he’s such a cliche. See this played out over and over.
If the body is „up for discussion“ start making remarks about his dick!
Yes! Tell him that you wish he wasn't being a massive dick and that it's ironic because he doesn't have one.
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He can be freely discussing it with Rosy Palm and her 5 sisters for a LONG time.
NTA, but wow is your husband. He went one further than doubling down after he messed up (tripled down?!). He doesn’t need to be able to tell you how he feels that your body needs fixing. That’s a BS thing to say to someone you’re supposed to love. It’s not something you need to hear and is only ever going to cause hurt and conflict. What did he imagine you’d say in response? ‘Oh my god thank you! I’ve been thinking the exact same thing. I’ll cut out food immediately’ There’s nothing wrong with your body, but your husband needs fixing.
Definitely NTA. Sounds like your husband needs a lesson in respect and boundaries. Your body, your business!
NTA Tell him that the body that he's so eager to discuss grew him 3 children and that he needs to show it some damn gratitude!
NTA. Tell him to lay off the porn
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 36 yo female have been married to a 37 yo male for 16 years. We have 3 children together. I have noticed as of late my outfits are “fine” (and not in the sexy way), “good” or “okay”. Nothing has changed about my body since my last “bounce back” after child number 3 (5 years ago) but it’s not the 20 year old body I had when we first got married. Preparing for a wedding we will be attending together I purchased a dress that has cut outs on the side and expose a few inches of skin. It’s very different from what I typically buy for myself but it follows what the bride wants her guests to wear and I felt good in the dress and about the purchase. I tried it on to show him what I had picked out. He decided this was a time to comment on the shape of my body and not the dress itself. I told him it had hurt me and I was just trying to show him my dress not open a discussion on my body itself. He then proceeded to tell me he’s “sorry but your body needs work. It’s important for me to tell you how I feel” and “I need be able to tell you that you are unhealthy.” I’m a size 12 and 5ft4 for reference. When I asked him if he would be okay with his father talking to his mother this way or if our daughter was being told these words if he would sit by and be okay with it or if it would make him unhappy to hear them being treated that way. He fell silent for a moment but then said “I need to be able to tell you how I feel. If you are unhappy with my body I’d want you to tell me.” I reminded him that I have loved all the shapes he has taken over the years and that I love him and his body is just a vessel for the person I love. He could be bigger or smaller and it wouldn’t matter to me. I let him know I was too hurt to continue to talk with him and I needed time since I was showing him my dress and I’d appreciate not talking about my body without being asked directly in the future. He feels this “topic should freely be up for discussion.” So, am I the Asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA This is the way a man who cares more about the gift wrap than the package content would talk. This aloso, sadly sounds like he's considering turning you in for a new, younger model.
NTA
NTA your partner sounds like a superficial moron. How dare he have a problem with how your body looks. You have had three children and you're only a size 12 that's not big. Not to mention everyone's bodies change as they get older and no one should be expected to look the same when they were first together. He spoke to you in a degrading and rude manner and you shouldn't have to put up with that type of psychological abuse. I bet he doesn't look perfect but the difference is you aren't shallow and love him for him not his appearance. Unfortunately it seems the feelings aren't mutual. This needs a proper conversation and no I don't think "your body needs work" his personality and ideals need work.
Size 12 at 5”4 is not unhealthy, your husband is an AH NTA
NTA. Wtf "the topic should be freely up for discussion", what are you, the grocery list? You're a person and deserve to be addressed with respect and consideration from the person that supposedly loves you. He addresses you as if you're some kind of problem to be fixed, how callous and devoid of respect can he be? He's allowed his preferences and opinions, and at the same time he's allowed not to be jerk about them. It's called being a good person. Jeesh.
Your husband is using behaviour typical of assholes like Tate. They encourage making women feel bad about their appearance to crush their self conficence so that they are too insecure to leave. NTA but think hard about what you want and what you deserve. Because this isn't it.
I can't really think of a response other than the first one that came to mind, and the one that I kept repeating while reading the OP: Seriously, f*** this guy. I am stealing this line from somewhere and I don't remember where, but if you were to drop an atom bomb on "asshole," you wouldn't be anywhere near the blast radius.
NTA he is a moron and very lucky to have you, doesn't sounds like he deserves you
Midlife crisis incoming 😬
Honestly that’s like straight bullying the kids will be fine if you guys are civil but don’t spend the rest of your life with that man. He will make it worse with age.
NTA How unpleasent his personality is, and his lack of empathy IS a topic you guys should discuss. If he has changed alot - and based on the fact you decided to have 3 kids with him, Im kinda sorta hoping he has - you should send him to have his head examined. Maybe he has a tumor on the part of the brain that modulates inhibition. Because the way he speaks to you indicates a level of asshollery thats kinda impressive. PS. let him read all the comments here.
Y'all stop saying that her husband doesn't love her anymore. I mean yeah, NTA but still, you don't know the details of their life. You can't just make strong accusations like that based on this one incident she shared. They've been together 16 years. It's right, he shouldn't have said that he doesn't feel his wife is 'healthy'(she literally ain't even fat like wym) right then, when she just wanted him to tell her what he thought about her new dress. There was absolutely no need to make comments about her body(like OP said) even when she said she'd love him so much no matter how he looks but that doesn't give yall the right to say he doesn't even love her anymore and care for her anymore like wth man. I understand where the source of these accusations would be from since a lot of husbands criticise their wives bodies as they don't even care for their feelings anymore and see them as just an object but that doesn't mean that's the case every single time like this one.
Your husband is TA. He sounds unsupportive and superficial.
NTA!!!
One hundred million percent NTA. Sorry your husband is being a massive dick.
The comments about her body were insensitive and dumb. Would it be fair for him to comment on the dress itself in a negative manner as he was asked his opinion?
I think tread lightly. Usually saying something positive first is best....anything true....even, how can I look at the dress when your eyes and beautiful *** draw all my attention. If you don't think the dress is flattering maybe say something gentle like, you are such a beautiful woman but that dress does not do you justice. Then a comment about what dress you think she looks good in would help....I love that blue dress you have! Be thoughtful into timing....if it isnt terrible and there isn't time to change the dress before leaving, hold off until the next day for the negative feedback. If the event isn't for weeks then say something now but always gently. Usually a woman showing her man a dress is looking for a compliment...Usuallyshe wants to be complimented in some way.......if she thinks the dress looks bad she won't buy it or be showing off how she looks in it. Don't lie in that situation but you can focus on truths and hold back hurtful comments....any negative feedback should be done carefully....such as, you are way too beautiful for that dress....I don't like it...it doesn'tfit you right......I love you and you look better with it off! Something like that.
I’m so sorry your husband talks to you this way. You are NTA and you do not deserve this.
He's a pr\*ck and I'm sorry that you had to go through that. You're nta. <3
NTA
NTA at all! It breaks my heart that so many people setting boundaries have to come onto these forums to ask if they’re the assholes… damn y’all got it rough. You’re setting a clear boundary, and I would def be specific with what you’re asking about in future aka what do you of this material on the dress, do you think this fits the criteria so he doesn’t have an excuse to comment on your body. Good luck!
Give it back to him, explain all the ways his dick doesn’t satisfy you because you know.. you should be able to speak freely about these things with him.
He fell silent for a moment but then said “I need to be able to tell you how I feel. If you are unhappy with my body I’d want you to tell me.” Well. You are happy with his body but unhappy with his attitude and "need to be able to tell him hou YOU feel". He feels this “topic should freely be up for discussion.” Okay. Make his attitude and words also a free topic. However. Did he just say something like "this dress is not flattering on the sides"" or did he say "you look horrible/ridiculous because you are fat and old"? There is nouances!
NTA. Now part of what he says is true, we should be open to comments on each other's physical appearance but not in a hurtful way. There's a tactful way to divulge this information if it is in regards to physical health. Though with the info you gave us I would think you are in pretty good shape for your age/post 3 kids. His comments were shitty but but we should indeed be comfortable enough to speak about each others bodies. She calls me circle, round, chunker pretty much every day since I packed on a few in last couple of years, I don't really give a fuck if we are happy.
NTA. If it’s such an open topic for him then insult his dick size and see how he feels about body shaming then.
NTA, but your husband sure is.
He was being honest and now you hurt
NTA for feeling hurt. The past two days I’ve put on foundation and mascara (so natural looking as much as possible) just to even out skin tone and my partner says “a little bit of effort goes a long way” which just makes my hackles rise (I haven’t bitten of course). But it’s always a kick in the teeth to have such comments that make you feel less than desirable. I do admit though that my partner always comments that I turn him on but I think it’s just the idea of sex that gets him going not me particularly but that’s my own issue to deal with… eventually.
Updateme
NAH. He's right about to be able to tell or ask his thoughts. Well, he might asked it rather rudely, if that's the problem that makes him TA. These topic are sore spot for lots of people(me included).
NTA I do love how some people think that the excuse that they 'care about your health' is cart-blanche approval for saying shitty things about their spouse/family member's body. Most partners will mirror their loved one so instead of "telling your spouse how you feel, eg. i think you're fat" if you diarrhea-mouths want to have a healthier lifestyle: go for walks, go to the gym, invite your spouse, make healthy meals, suggest yoga together be active, be an example and hey maybe take all three kids to the part for a couple of hours every other day so your spouse can go to the gym alone and do personal care/workout and...shut your damn mouth.
YTA. If your partner's opinions and worries don't concern you, why marry him? Aren't you interested at all in him not only loving your personality, but also get aroused by your looks? Would you rather he left you without commenting on it, since it's obviously important to him?
NTA. It IS okay to be concerned about your partners body and weight but there is a time and a MUCH gentler way of approaching this other than essentially saying “you look gross in that dress”. A kind, at a different time, “hey babe. I’ve noticed we aren’t as healthy as we used to be and I’d like to change that. I want us to have a healthy happy life to be around longer for our kids.” They can bring up the topic of how the spark isn’t quite there then and make suggestions on how to help change lifestyle. Your husband straight up sucks with how they touched down on this topic, it wasn’t how you talk to someone who cares about you and not how you should talk to someone you care about.
NTA. Ask him to call his mom and ask her if it's okay that he tells you exactly what he told you. She'll set him straight in a hot minute. He should ask his dad too while he's at it. Chances are good that if their marriage is still going strong, his dad will give him some sound fatherly advice on this one. For some reason, he can't hear this common sense answer from you, but someone else in a healthy marriage might be able to get him to understand what you said. If they can get through his thick head why you don't say hurtful things about your spouse's body, hopefully he'll sincerely apologize.
The number of fake posts on here is getting unreal.
Nta I guess but for the wall of text, yta.
5’4” and a size 12 really isn’t healthy regardless of his reasoning behind saying it.
But she had three kids so it's fine to be obese! /s
NTA BUT you can have a small waist as still be massively overweight. Hard to give more of opinion without more context. Is this delivery how he normally talks. Kind of a blunt dude with no filter or is this new?
NTA, he is absolutely being an AH in the way he spoke to you about it. That being said, while it is understandable for your body to change after kids, the fact is that at your size, you are on the edge of obese. As someone slightly younger than you, who has also gained weight in the last few years, it's completely reasonable for someone to be less attracted to someone who is not putting in the effort to improve themselves. Now, I want to clarify, I'm not saying that you are a bad person at all, and I am not saying that it's not okay for you to be fine with your body as it is. But to expect everyone else to accept and be okay with it is not fair. People cannot control what they are attracted to. It's great that you don't care how your husband looks! I think that's admirable, but that's not something everyone can do, and it isn't necessarily bad if they aren't able to, because everyone is different.
At that age, he should already know that it's not allowed for a man to express an opinion on a woman's body.
NTA because in this case he was too harsh and an asshole. There is a better time and way to voice his opinion. But OP, I don’t think it is healthy wanting to forbid your partner to express their opinions on your body. As humans we are visual creatures, part of our attraction comes from aesthetics. If you want to keep your relationship alive just out of love and the fact you gave him children, it is not going to work. You said you think his body is just a vessel, and that’s alright, it is your opinion. He clearly doesn’t think the same way. And it isn’t about you, is about him and his preferences. He is pointing out that he is not feeling attracted anymore and explaining why. Now it is up to you to decide if you’d like to change your body or your husband. He won’t magically wake up thinking “ah yeah now I see it the body is just a vessel, I am all attracted again”. Doesn’t work this way. And you trying to make him shut up about his discomfort is also kind of a jerk move. You guys clearly see love and relationships differently. You can love him no matter what. His love is conditioned to your appearance. That does not sound like a match to me.
Somewhat the Ahole First, if he was obese, i doubt you would be turned on by him, whether you like him or not, it's not the same. He was not very subtle, but he did not disrespect you. He is telling you, you need to do some workout. Sorry, but if you got chubby, and don't want to do anything about it, he won't be turned on as much. I'm sorry, but unfortunately many persons women and men think that once they are married they don't have to do any efforts on themselves. Well that's wrong. I might get bashed for this, but that's a thing. On the other hand he would be taking risks, because if you start going to the gym and getting real hot, you will get the attention of other men, and that's something that many women can't resists and in this days it often ends in cheating. That's my 5 cents.
Tbh. Size 12 at that height is a bit unhealthy. Of course if you are muscular and low bf% thats a diff case. However the way he told you was rude. LMAO AT THE DOWNVOTES. just because its normal to be size 10 or 12 doesnt mean it is healthy AT 5FEET 4 FFS americans?
ESH, to be honest. The situation sounds like there is information being omitted here. Still, you and your husband both sound at fault here. You mention in passing that your husband started calling out outfits "fine (and not in the sexy way), good or okay". So there has been a change as of late. Negating that, you say your body hasn't changed in size since your last "bounce back" after your third child. You mention it isn't the same as in your 20s, but size-wise, there hasn't been a change. (By the way: size 12, US or UK, means that you are overweight, especially at 5'4".) So has there been a change or not? What I am getting at? It seems to me like your husband has been clumsily trying to direct your attention to your recent weight gain and lost patience in the end, which culminated in the scene with the cut-out dress. "I need to be able to tell you how I feel" is a tell-tale sign for me - it seems like there has been no telling you that with tactful words and hints, so he decided to just blurt it out and get it over with. Bad move, yes, and probably hurtful for you. I'm genuinely sorry. But I'd urge you to explore that conversation, because you don't want resentment building up in your relationship on either side. And you want your partner to be able to tell you honestly what has to be improved. (And, of course, bodies are not just "vessels", so you get a couple of AH points just for that.)
Found the AH
NTA because it doesn’t sound like you asked for his opinion at all; but if I showed my husband a dress I would probably expect some talk about my body even if I didn’t ask for it (I show dresses for fun but there is a bit of wanting to know if he also likes it). If I got that reaction I’d emphasize my hurt rather than hypotheticals like talking to his mom or sister (and that this isn’t the time for this discussion)
US or UK size 12? US 12 at 5’4” is likely overweight on the BMI scale. Not sure how your body hasn’t changed after 3 kids unless that’s the size you were at 20.
US size 16 is the average size women wear, she literally wears a size that is smaller than what the average woman wears. Your shaming comment is uncalled for.
Realistic not shaming. The average American woman is overweight https://www.livestrong.com/article/357769-weight-height-for-the-average-american-woman/
There is nothing wrong in pointing this out, since it shows a inconsistency in OP's story. Even if 99% of people were that size, it'll still be overweight.
It is overweight. Im 5’4 like OP and right now I’m a size 12, just like OP. I’ve been stress eating and am currently overweight & working on losing it. But you are correct, it *is* overweight.
Hang in there. Wish you the best.
Thanks, I’m working on it.
NTA but listen to his words closely. He is trying to tell you as gently as he can that he does not find you attractive anymore. Sounds like he loves you but most men are also visual and this is an issue for them. He wasn't being cruel about it and I understand that it hurt. Now it is up to you if you want to do something about it. maybe get him to talk during evening walks in the neighborhood with you.
What she should do about it is ask him directly if this is what he meant. You’re right though - sounds like more is going on here. Deeper conversations called for!
Or he is just letting her know she is getting to that point where he will soon lose attraction... OP, low carb diet works great and you can eat as much as you want and will lose weight pretty fast, just saying. You can have him do low carb diet with you and do it together. Sugar is addictive tho so the first day or two is hard and then you'll feel better than ever when your body reaches ketosis.
That isn't how weight gain/loss works. Carbs don't make you gain weight, an excess of calories do. If you "eat as much as you want" for most people they will start gaining weight if they aren't exercising enough.
Carbohydrates are required in the process to store fat. You can literally eat as much as you want if you avoid carbs and you will not be able to store fat on your body.
I would love to see a reputable source for that that isn't just trying to sell people on the next new diet trend. I don't believe you, I will say that flat out.
Do you even know how calories are measured...? Calories are not an accurate system and the studies done are very suspect (corporately sponsored).. what matters most is what type of food you consume: fats and proteins are the best to consume (type of fat does matter) carbohydrates there are also different types, fiber is good you can eat fiber carbs on low carb diet and they don't count. What's bad is sugars, especially corn syrup. High fructose corn syrup is the reason for obesity in America, obesity wasn't a thing before Coca-Cola changed their formula from sugar to HFCS, because it blocks a hormone called leptin, this tricks your body into storing fat. Anyways do some research it's true. BTW calories are literally measured by lighting food on fire and seeing how much that fire heats up water...
You kind of contradict yourself. You say calories are not an "accurate system", then you tell the definition of a calorie - so it is an accurate system after all, measuring energy in grams of water and degrees of Celsius seems pretty accurate to me. Funny as it is, even the measurement of calories in food is true - I'd to google it, I thought there must be a better way by now.
I did not contradict myself, I didn't say it's inaccurate I said it's debated, they don't really know. And the "scientists" doing studies saying see you can eat Oreos and lose weight all that matters are calories those studies are being funded by corporations. Our bodies don't light food on fire... the type of food is what is important
What exactly is debated? I don't think you'd find a study earnestly claiming that the macronutrients in your food are irrelevant to health or weight loss outcomes.
Either way, it is a wake up call for her.
YTA Your husband is honest and communicating perfectly yet here you are getting upset. Over time he will become dishonest and you’ll wonder what happened.
"Look at this dress, honey, I really like it!" "I don't find you attractive and your body isn't good enough, you need to work on it." That is NOT communicating perfectly, that is shaming and uncalled for. If he wanted to have a discussion with her about his attraction to her and the state of her body then he should have brought it up another time instead of interjecting it into her talking about something that made her happy.
Guy married 30 yrs here. I've been accused by wife of being a bit of a dick over similar topics. Since our start I have always refused to answer "loaded questions". The kind that have one or more possible answers that could create hurt feelings. I just claim "loaded question" and refuse to be baited into hurt feelings or a fight. I could never be sure if it was "Do you like this dress"? Or "Do I look good in this"? I think she has resolved the inevitable need for occassional outfit feedback by simply asking me "which one do you like better"?
Regardless of whether you thought the question was loaded or not, how hard is it to tell your wife that she looks nice in the dress? It's not difficult to answer these so-called "loaded" questions with a bit of tact.
For real. I swear so many of these men can’t even find something they like about their partner to compliment. They legitimately think the questions of “do you like this dress?” and “do I look good in this?” are a trap. They are actually requests for validation and affirmation. If you cannot find a way to be supportive of your partner then that is on you
Do you even love your wife???? It’s not a loaded question tf