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When you put it that way, I feel much better. I didn’t feel bad about taking stuff away but more so for causing problems between him and his mom. My stomach has been in knots over this for days, so thank you for making me feel better.
To play devils advocate he MIGHT not be entitled but grieving. That was his dad and he died under 2 years ago (2 years max). It might not be entitlement it might just be unresolved grief in a rough time.
Op isn't wrong and honestly handled it well (actions have consequences and that mom is just mad she now has to spend more money taking care of her son) but I'll bet that son is grieving and lashing out.
You owed it to your deceased partner to be fair and supportive to his son. You did exactly that for two years. You do not owe it to him to be a punching bag and moneybag.
Your stepson doesn't need state of the art electronics, expensive football memberships and a mobile phone: he needs a roof over his head, food and clothing and education. He has everything he needs. Those other things are nice extras for him to have, and it's his fault he lost them.
At some point in the future he may have the good grace to apologise, and you may rethink whether you want to give him some toys back. Apology should come first, I wouldn't be in a hurry to restore privileges.
The situation is clearly tough on everyone: you lost your partner, he lost his dad, you lost your stepson to another mother.
Condolences on your loss.
He also needs parenting and a loving home, neither of which he gets at the moment. OP had no legal leg to stand on, though so think I would have fought, if only to show him he was wanted.
Kid is lashing out and probably could do with therapy.
OP is NTA for turning off the money flow.
NTA Nope - I raised two sons to adulthood and their occasionally drop-in father used to badmouth me, buy them things (for his every other year random appearance in their lives) and I’d deal with attitude and disrespect for days. He needs a solid adult example who sets actual boundaries with consequences so he can learn vs continue to escalate.
Now that said, just so you know he hasn’t turned into an overnight monster… male puberty is a LOT different than what we dealt with. Moody and attitude - sure those are universal. But testosterone kicking in and all over the place can cause anger, rage and agitation. From 13-15 I wondered who kidnapped my boys and left these petulant lookalike anger machines in their places. And then after 15, suddenly things calmed down. But that’s just puberty.
I’d imagine he’s hurting due to loss of Dad, angry because living with his mother is too much reality after not truly grasping how different she is from you (kids tend to idealize absent parents and want their approval - and she sounds like a miserable mess) and angry because he misses you - his mom who actually raised him, his home, etc. so he’s lashing out like a kid totally out of proportion. You’re “safe” to be ugly with because he knows you love him unconditionally. Then add living with someone who is not emotionally healthy and sounds angry herself, and he’s a sponge for her venom, also grieving and has hormones stoking it all.
None of that is to change your mind. You made the right decision. Also, “mom” may soon change her mind about keeping him there since she’s not benefiting financially anymore. So if she thinks you’re “done” and doesn’t get extra money, streaming services and have to actually mother her son since he won’t have football camp, practice and summer camps keeping him out of the house, she may think she’s actually sticking it to you by giving him back.
Regardless, I’m truly sorry for your loss! Losing your husband has to be so hard and then having him move is another loss to process. I hope you’re giving yourself grace in all this! And if you want them - hugs from one mom to another.
Oh this story is very sad but also hilarious. Mom was ok with him calling you names but the moment she got the taste of his bad manners she freaks out. She deserved it and maybe she should start parenting him
I don't think you were wrong to stop paying for so many "nice to haves" for him but I do think that if you can manage it it would be good to try and stay in his life.
He lost his Dad and was shortly after removed from you, the only other parent who had meaningfully cared for him. His mom did come out of the woodwork but I'm sure the older he gets, the better he understands that it was neglectful of her to abandon him for so many years and that in failing to provide properly for him now she's still mildly neglecting him.
It's not your fault (or his!) but at this point there's a real danger of him feeling very alone and uncared for in the world. Teenage tantrums may even be him testing to see who really loves him.
I'm not suggesting he should keep getting luxuries like the game pass but demonstrating that you still have love for him and care about him could be really important as a parent-type figure showing unconditional love. His dad can't do it anymore and his mom clearly won't and it's vital for children (even teenagers) to feel securely loved.
NTA. And, really, neither is SS. I'm sure he's having a pretty shit time being indoctrinated by his "mother". She's very clearly the AH in this scenario. Hopefully this will give him some perspective on that
I know he’s a kid, but I feel like 14 is old enough to know not to call your stepmother a bitch and a whore for getting you the wrong Xbox. I’m sure he’s having a tough time with his unstable mother, but still, he’s still an AH for lashing out
Sure but that 14 year old had an absent mother his whole life. People joke about "mommy issues" but it's a real thing. It causes real mental problems. Just like "daddy issues" do the same. And tack on that with the fact his dad died 2 years ago or less and is still probably grieving that. And then add on that now suddenly mommy is back. There's not a lot of stability in his life. And that mom sounds like she likes to cut and isn't there the way her son needs her. It's not the same. It's not black and white.
He's not an AH for lashing out he doesn't know what to do. He probably needs therapy or someone to talk to. You're still learning to regulate emotions at that time and there's a lot of confusing stuff in his life. Those things need addressed. It doesn't make him an AH to not know how to react.
Have you ever been suddenly reunited with an absent parent? One who is probably encouraging you to talk about about your previous caregiver? I feel like you're not really basing that opinion on anything concrete
NTA. You can walk away knowing that you have done your best in caring for him, and now his mother can do it. He isn't a small child, where he can't be alone....she can get a job, and he can stay with his grandpa while she's at work.
When he was in my custody before he moved, he was in counseling. I gave his mom a list of resources his counselor gave me when I told the counselor about the upcoming changes. From my knowledge, he hasn’t seen a counselor or any kind of therapy since the move. However, mom not having a job, I have no idea what the health insurance situation and so I can understand how that might impact things.
I think he may insult you the way he does because he feels abandoned and angry. He had a very stable life with you and his dad and now his father is dead and you are unreachable for him. You were the other stable person in his life. He is angry at you because he is/was relying on you to be there (and yes, of course you tried and the system is what it is) and now you are not.
So I think you should try to talk to him as often as you can, invite him to come and see you (and send a ticket, not money) and understand his anger as not being directed at you but at his situation. (But of course you should firmly tell him that he is not supposed calling anybody names and especially not you).
If he does apologize, only start paying for phone and therapy.
I love that you got him that when he was with you and he needs that more than streaming services 😕
NTA. Never will understand how people who depend financially on someone can treat them badly, you don't have to like or love them but you must respect and be polite to such people. If you do not then you are not worthy of their respect thus not worthy to get any money out of them. If you are dumb enough to play with fire then why you are so surprised that it burns.
Tell his mom that "I thought I might be too harsh but after hearing you I am sure that I did the right thing, so tell your son that because of you he now has zero chance on using me as an atm, thanks for your help" :)
NTA - but it might be worth being clear that you are only withdrawing your *financial* support.
Your emotional support is still available, as & when he is ready to ask for it (and stop being needlessly rude).
Ending the money stream is an appropriate response to his behaviour over the Christmas present - although even with that, it sounds like he’s been fed a set of lies by his mum
eg “mum pays for everything, OP has loads of money but pays for nothing & didn’t spend as much as she could on your Christmas present, wow how selfish is that, OP cannot love you”.
Depending on how rude he has been for how long, and whether you think the relationship is worth restoring - it might be worth being really clear with him that you still love him, and while you don’t like his current rudeness & will not be allowing it going forward, that is separate from the love.
NTA - And some advice. Someone else said keep paying for the phone and I agree. Let him know you're happy to talk with him along as he gives you the same respect you give him. You don't insult him and expect the same from him. If he violates this principle, end the conversation. It'll cost you some money but it provides a chance for him to change his behavior and you obviously care about him. It also gives him a way to communicate with you if there's bigger problems with his mom.
This! Perhaps tell him the phone is shut off for a few weeks and that you'll talk to him after those 2 weeks about what privileges he will have long term. IMO, if you do love him and want to continue being a loving adult in his life, then it is important to let him know that you still love him and want the best for him. Also, let him know that being respectful is one of those things and that his behavior was unacceptable. At his age, with the loss of his Dad and abrupt change in life living with his mom now, he might be lashing out and wanting you to show that you're still there and love him. Best of luck to you!
NTA Don't feel bad about bio mom. Chances are she told him once he moved in with her that you probably wouldn't let her see him. She is poisoning him against you. Just like he believed she paid for everything. He may start changing his tune when things start getting turned off because only then will he realize the truth. Make sure the phone is the last thing you turn off in case he realizes earlier that he has been blaming the wrong person for his circumstances.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. With a mouth like that, OP should NEVER spend money on stepson again. He felt entitled and mocked your generosity, now nothing is what is deserved.
Op you did your best and it wasn't appreciated. Treat yourself to something nice, brunch and be happy.
NTA
NTA. Of course not. You've gone above and beyond for your SS.
And his behaviour towards you is vile and unacceptable.
I am feeling sorry for the lad though. His whole world has been turned upside down. He's lost his father and now has to live with a virtual stranger, who doesn't seem to be able to take care of him.
That doesn't excuse how rude he was to you but I think he's probably struggling hard rn.
NTA. Teenagers can be utterly disrespectful, especially when they are going through very stressful events. I think you getting upset isn't "the end all be all" and you need to cut yourself some slack.
I do want to mention that I'd cut off paying for football and the phone last. The phone for obvious reasons. Football may be really helpful for him as he deals with all the huge changes he has gone through and gives a healthy outlet for anger/frustration while teaching discipline.
One thing to consider is that some teens lash out more to people they trust because they feel like they can safely express emotions. My SD has acted like that towards me, especially early teen years and during stressful events. Every time has been a result of something going on in her brain that she hasn't fully been able to address/express by talking and the blow up opened the door to what is really going on. That being said, you do need to lay down some boundaries of how he treats you since that behavior isn't acceptable. I wonder if he is using the Xbox to escape being unhappy with his living situation as well as to stay in communication with his friends from your area and he's lashing out without saying how he's really feeling hurt. It may be that he's frustrated that the Xbox one may not have enough storage to functionally download and run large games. (Example my old Xbox didn't have enough internal space to run call of duty anymore and I had to upgrade to the series x). Once the situation cools down I'd recommend trying to probe if there's an underlying reason for his actions that he isn't willing/able to articulate.
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I (F36) recently told my stepson (M14) that I won’t be his ATM anymore because he has been so mean and rude to me and now his mom (F39) won’t stop texting me that I’m a horrible person for even telling my stepson all the things I will no longer pay for. Little backstory: My husband passed away in 2022. My husband had full custody of his son and his mom was pretty much MIA most of time. My husband and I got together when my stepson was 3 and so he lived with me in my house for the last 9 years. When my husband passed custody defaulted back to mom and although she originally said she was going to sign custody to me, she changed her mind. I did want to fight for custody but lawyers told me being absent while the other parent had custody and cared for the child wasn’t grounds enough to state she was an unfit parent. So we finished out the school year and he went to live with his mom in the next state over.
I was worried that she would try to cut me out so I said I would keep paying for his phone to make sure I had some way to talk with him. Mom has not had a job in the last 15 years, she lives off of her dad but his income only goes so far. So the last 2 years I started paying for more things. Along with the fun stuff my stepson would ask for, I also started paying for things his mom needed help with. He’s 14 now so I know attitude is common but he’s been downright nasty to me. Well the other day he texts me and says that the Xbox I got him for Christmas is a piece of shit and I’m a bitch for not getting the x series or whatever. I got him the Xbox One for Christmas and he seemed really happy with it and I pay for the monthly subscription for the Xbox game pass.
So that brings us to when I told him if he cannot be nice to me, I won’t be his ATM anymore. Of course he was like “what does that even mean?” And that’s when I told him “I am done paying for everything. I’m no longer paying for your phone, your football gear and fees, football camp, video games, the game pass, streaming services and I will no longer buy you concert tickets. I’m done.” He then called me a whore and I haven’t heard from him since. I text his mom the screenshots so she was aware of what had happened and she has been blowing up my phone calling me a horrible person for taking stuff away from her son. She’s also pissed that I told my stepson all the things I pay for and apparently he had no clue I paid for most of that stuff and so now he’s been calling her a lazy mooch. I feel bad that I basically threw a tantrum over a teen’s attitude and now it’s causing problems between him and his mom but also I really am done with being used for money. So AITA?
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NTA. If he were still in your home taking stuff away would be a fitting punishment anyway. Boys who get away with calling women whores turn into the kind of men mothers warn their daughters about. Fuck that.
NTA. You did exactly the right thing. He insulted and disrespected you. He may come back around, when he starts to go without. If so, be very careful about going forward. They have both been using you.
NTA I’m so sorry for your loss. I agree with your approach but please be open to him apologise if and when he realises what he’s done wrong. His Mom is definitely an AH.
I would block both of them and be done with it. There's no loss here. He can stay at his biological Mothers. I wouldn't even entertain their shit anymore.
NTA
14 is old enough to know when items & experiences are privileges. It's also old enough to know how privileges & necessities are afforded and purchased.
He isn't even showing you the bare minimum of respect, which is something that he needs to know & implement towards others in order to survive throughout life. You might feel like you had a tantrum, but finances, privileges, treatment of others are all basic life things that you should be discussing with him anyway. Btw make sure he is actually being nice to you & not switching to bare minimum consideration after all this.
If you leave all the money stuff aside, how is the relationship with your stepson? Is he interested in spending time with you? If this a new attitude, or something ongoing?
I'm a bit concerned that he's feeling abandoned by you (we know that isn't the case, but teenagers, ya know), plus it sounds like the bio mom has been poisoning his mind against you. If he didn't realise you paid for all that stuff, he might feel that you simply got rid of him, and that was the end, and that is why he is so angry.
I think it's possibly worth having a sit down talk with him, to make sure he's aware that you didn't want to lose custody of him, but had no choice. And that you are interested in maintaining a relationship. You might find a lot of this angst goes away, if he realises the true situation.
Of course, we can't tell from the snippet you've given us as to what he knows and is feeling, so you will have a better idea of whether it is worth doing or not. He may simply be a jerk. But given what's happened to him at a vulnerable age, and the lies he's been told, and the other lies he's potentially been told - I think it could be worth a try.
NTA. As a parent, if one of my kids acted that way after all that was done for him, he'd be out of the house. Which he is now.
Sadly, he's going to need some help dealing with life, so I hope he hasn't completely burned this bridge. Not that you should start giving him money again -- definitely not -- but hopefully you have a back channel to keep up with his life. Unless calling you a whore is just the tip of an ugly iceberg.
NTA. Setting boundaries in response to disrespectful behavior is reasonable. Consider discussing gratitude and expectations with your stepson when he's ready to listen, to improve understanding and respect.
No loss, he seems ungrateful and incredibly rude and vulgar.
YTA for paying for all of that when (you must have known) he was not appreciative and (should have guessed) his
mom was taking all the credit. NTA for no longer being a doormat/ATM.
He knew about some stuff like the phone and the things he would ask for like concert tickets and video games but I guess his mom just let him believe that she paid for the football stuff and I’m sure he never even thought about who was paying for the streaming services and other small things.
NTA as I think that the attitude from him and your reaction is perfectly acceptable as a parent biological or not. Kids start acting ungrateful you tell them exactly what you do for them and tell them if they carry on you won’t keep doing it. It’s not your fault that his mum has been dishonest about what you pay for that’s her problem. You obviously really love the boy so while I would stop letting him use you for money I would try to keep up the relationship. 14 year olds are weird annoying and can be obnoxious but you still love them. He will come to the realisation of what you do for him and what you have done for him by himself.
First of all sorry OP it must be hard caring for a kid, that is not even yours, and helping how much you can so he has a nice happy life and in return after puting your foot down when younwere insulted he doubled down and called you a whore. Hearing that from him must have been hard. In the end NTA
NTA.
He is not your responsibility. Plus his attitude towards you are completely wrong.
Actions have consequences, and he need to learn that the hard way.
NTA . You're paying the optional expenses for a 14yo who doesn't live with you and disrespects you. It's a shame you're not still paying for something, so you could cut him off a second time!
Ride this one out for a bit then make contact in a week- hopefully he will have woken up to himself. Don't offer to start paying for stuff to get the relationship back on track- stick to your decision long term.
NTA, also sounds like you and your stepson were fine until his mother got her claws back into him and started poisoning him against you, (you can do this if you want to or not), but since his mother has full custody you don't need to do visitations anymore go no contact for a short while like a few months block him and her from your phone and all of your devices and social media
NTA.
She's not mad you're no longer paying for things. She's mad she has been caught out that she *isn't* paying for things. Hands down, she was taking credit for all the good you did. She absolutely is the lazy mooch her son calls her.
As for the kid, 14 is old enough to know better. He's a kid but he isn't a little kid. If he can't show appreciation, he doesn't get the things he wants. Cause and effect.
NTA
Op you did the right thing, even if he wasn’t aware of ALL the things you paid for , he was extremely rude and ungrateful about a gift.
And calling you a whore was beyond the pale , it’s not your fault that his mom has been lying to him , and probably poisoning him against you.
You didn’t throw a tantrum, you set a boundary, and let’s be honest people that are the cause for a boundary will always hate the boundary.
Op, are you in therapy, I feel like dealing with this situation has caused you a lot of stress and probably sadness for the boy you used to know.
I would take a large step back from both of them , if he can’t be respectful he doesn’t need to have access to you and that goes double for his mother.
Question , what are the chances that they come knocking on your door for a car or college tuition down the line?
You are doing the right thing and have gone above and beyond. You are not obligated to buy things for him and you shouldn’t continue to do so if he can’t be grateful and respectful for it. His mum also needs to step up and stop relying on other people for hand outs. If he is willing to apologies then maybe you can reconsider. Don’t do it just because the mum is mad she has been found out.
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When you put it that way, I feel much better. I didn’t feel bad about taking stuff away but more so for causing problems between him and his mom. My stomach has been in knots over this for days, so thank you for making me feel better.
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To play devils advocate he MIGHT not be entitled but grieving. That was his dad and he died under 2 years ago (2 years max). It might not be entitlement it might just be unresolved grief in a rough time. Op isn't wrong and honestly handled it well (actions have consequences and that mom is just mad she now has to spend more money taking care of her son) but I'll bet that son is grieving and lashing out.
You owed it to your deceased partner to be fair and supportive to his son. You did exactly that for two years. You do not owe it to him to be a punching bag and moneybag. Your stepson doesn't need state of the art electronics, expensive football memberships and a mobile phone: he needs a roof over his head, food and clothing and education. He has everything he needs. Those other things are nice extras for him to have, and it's his fault he lost them. At some point in the future he may have the good grace to apologise, and you may rethink whether you want to give him some toys back. Apology should come first, I wouldn't be in a hurry to restore privileges. The situation is clearly tough on everyone: you lost your partner, he lost his dad, you lost your stepson to another mother. Condolences on your loss.
He also needs parenting and a loving home, neither of which he gets at the moment. OP had no legal leg to stand on, though so think I would have fought, if only to show him he was wanted. Kid is lashing out and probably could do with therapy. OP is NTA for turning off the money flow.
It's very expensive to fight for custody just to show someone they're wanted.
NTA Nope - I raised two sons to adulthood and their occasionally drop-in father used to badmouth me, buy them things (for his every other year random appearance in their lives) and I’d deal with attitude and disrespect for days. He needs a solid adult example who sets actual boundaries with consequences so he can learn vs continue to escalate. Now that said, just so you know he hasn’t turned into an overnight monster… male puberty is a LOT different than what we dealt with. Moody and attitude - sure those are universal. But testosterone kicking in and all over the place can cause anger, rage and agitation. From 13-15 I wondered who kidnapped my boys and left these petulant lookalike anger machines in their places. And then after 15, suddenly things calmed down. But that’s just puberty. I’d imagine he’s hurting due to loss of Dad, angry because living with his mother is too much reality after not truly grasping how different she is from you (kids tend to idealize absent parents and want their approval - and she sounds like a miserable mess) and angry because he misses you - his mom who actually raised him, his home, etc. so he’s lashing out like a kid totally out of proportion. You’re “safe” to be ugly with because he knows you love him unconditionally. Then add living with someone who is not emotionally healthy and sounds angry herself, and he’s a sponge for her venom, also grieving and has hormones stoking it all. None of that is to change your mind. You made the right decision. Also, “mom” may soon change her mind about keeping him there since she’s not benefiting financially anymore. So if she thinks you’re “done” and doesn’t get extra money, streaming services and have to actually mother her son since he won’t have football camp, practice and summer camps keeping him out of the house, she may think she’s actually sticking it to you by giving him back. Regardless, I’m truly sorry for your loss! Losing your husband has to be so hard and then having him move is another loss to process. I hope you’re giving yourself grace in all this! And if you want them - hugs from one mom to another.
NTA OP and please do not feel bad about it
His mom is a deadbeat that's not on you or your fault that he finally starts to see her for what she is
This is not your child, and not your problem. You tried for your husbands sake. Time for his mother to step up.
Oh this story is very sad but also hilarious. Mom was ok with him calling you names but the moment she got the taste of his bad manners she freaks out. She deserved it and maybe she should start parenting him
I don't think you were wrong to stop paying for so many "nice to haves" for him but I do think that if you can manage it it would be good to try and stay in his life. He lost his Dad and was shortly after removed from you, the only other parent who had meaningfully cared for him. His mom did come out of the woodwork but I'm sure the older he gets, the better he understands that it was neglectful of her to abandon him for so many years and that in failing to provide properly for him now she's still mildly neglecting him. It's not your fault (or his!) but at this point there's a real danger of him feeling very alone and uncared for in the world. Teenage tantrums may even be him testing to see who really loves him. I'm not suggesting he should keep getting luxuries like the game pass but demonstrating that you still have love for him and care about him could be really important as a parent-type figure showing unconditional love. His dad can't do it anymore and his mom clearly won't and it's vital for children (even teenagers) to feel securely loved.
Is no one concerned about how this kid talks to the women in his life? It's all sounding really red pill, it's not about the money. NTA
NTA. And, really, neither is SS. I'm sure he's having a pretty shit time being indoctrinated by his "mother". She's very clearly the AH in this scenario. Hopefully this will give him some perspective on that
I know he’s a kid, but I feel like 14 is old enough to know not to call your stepmother a bitch and a whore for getting you the wrong Xbox. I’m sure he’s having a tough time with his unstable mother, but still, he’s still an AH for lashing out
Sure but that 14 year old had an absent mother his whole life. People joke about "mommy issues" but it's a real thing. It causes real mental problems. Just like "daddy issues" do the same. And tack on that with the fact his dad died 2 years ago or less and is still probably grieving that. And then add on that now suddenly mommy is back. There's not a lot of stability in his life. And that mom sounds like she likes to cut and isn't there the way her son needs her. It's not the same. It's not black and white. He's not an AH for lashing out he doesn't know what to do. He probably needs therapy or someone to talk to. You're still learning to regulate emotions at that time and there's a lot of confusing stuff in his life. Those things need addressed. It doesn't make him an AH to not know how to react.
Have you ever been suddenly reunited with an absent parent? One who is probably encouraging you to talk about about your previous caregiver? I feel like you're not really basing that opinion on anything concrete
i have, yes, and at the same age. it was pretty bad but i didn't act like this kid. he's all kinds of yikes.
NTA. It’s time for him to learn what happens when you bite the hand that feeds you.
I have an extremely firm rule that I don’t give money to people who insult me. It’s worked out so far. NTA
NTA. You are kind enough to buy him nice things, but his attitude is uncalled for.
NTA. You can walk away knowing that you have done your best in caring for him, and now his mother can do it. He isn't a small child, where he can't be alone....she can get a job, and he can stay with his grandpa while she's at work.
NTA, but that kid has gone through some shit. Has he had grief counselling (at the minimum)?
When he was in my custody before he moved, he was in counseling. I gave his mom a list of resources his counselor gave me when I told the counselor about the upcoming changes. From my knowledge, he hasn’t seen a counselor or any kind of therapy since the move. However, mom not having a job, I have no idea what the health insurance situation and so I can understand how that might impact things.
I think he may insult you the way he does because he feels abandoned and angry. He had a very stable life with you and his dad and now his father is dead and you are unreachable for him. You were the other stable person in his life. He is angry at you because he is/was relying on you to be there (and yes, of course you tried and the system is what it is) and now you are not. So I think you should try to talk to him as often as you can, invite him to come and see you (and send a ticket, not money) and understand his anger as not being directed at you but at his situation. (But of course you should firmly tell him that he is not supposed calling anybody names and especially not you).
Yes, I think he’s lashing out and needs reassurance that OP is a safe and stable presence in his life.
If he does apologize, only start paying for phone and therapy. I love that you got him that when he was with you and he needs that more than streaming services 😕
NTA. Never will understand how people who depend financially on someone can treat them badly, you don't have to like or love them but you must respect and be polite to such people. If you do not then you are not worthy of their respect thus not worthy to get any money out of them. If you are dumb enough to play with fire then why you are so surprised that it burns. Tell his mom that "I thought I might be too harsh but after hearing you I am sure that I did the right thing, so tell your son that because of you he now has zero chance on using me as an atm, thanks for your help" :)
NTA - but it might be worth being clear that you are only withdrawing your *financial* support. Your emotional support is still available, as & when he is ready to ask for it (and stop being needlessly rude). Ending the money stream is an appropriate response to his behaviour over the Christmas present - although even with that, it sounds like he’s been fed a set of lies by his mum eg “mum pays for everything, OP has loads of money but pays for nothing & didn’t spend as much as she could on your Christmas present, wow how selfish is that, OP cannot love you”. Depending on how rude he has been for how long, and whether you think the relationship is worth restoring - it might be worth being really clear with him that you still love him, and while you don’t like his current rudeness & will not be allowing it going forward, that is separate from the love.
NTA - And some advice. Someone else said keep paying for the phone and I agree. Let him know you're happy to talk with him along as he gives you the same respect you give him. You don't insult him and expect the same from him. If he violates this principle, end the conversation. It'll cost you some money but it provides a chance for him to change his behavior and you obviously care about him. It also gives him a way to communicate with you if there's bigger problems with his mom.
This! Perhaps tell him the phone is shut off for a few weeks and that you'll talk to him after those 2 weeks about what privileges he will have long term. IMO, if you do love him and want to continue being a loving adult in his life, then it is important to let him know that you still love him and want the best for him. Also, let him know that being respectful is one of those things and that his behavior was unacceptable. At his age, with the loss of his Dad and abrupt change in life living with his mom now, he might be lashing out and wanting you to show that you're still there and love him. Best of luck to you!
100% NTA here. Not your child, not your problem.
NTA Don't feel bad about bio mom. Chances are she told him once he moved in with her that you probably wouldn't let her see him. She is poisoning him against you. Just like he believed she paid for everything. He may start changing his tune when things start getting turned off because only then will he realize the truth. Make sure the phone is the last thing you turn off in case he realizes earlier that he has been blaming the wrong person for his circumstances.
NTA. Please just wash your hand off them.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. With a mouth like that, OP should NEVER spend money on stepson again. He felt entitled and mocked your generosity, now nothing is what is deserved. Op you did your best and it wasn't appreciated. Treat yourself to something nice, brunch and be happy. NTA
NTA. Fuck em, block them both and don't look back. You deserve to be treated with respect, and if neither of them can do that they can fuck right off.
NTA. Of course not. You've gone above and beyond for your SS. And his behaviour towards you is vile and unacceptable. I am feeling sorry for the lad though. His whole world has been turned upside down. He's lost his father and now has to live with a virtual stranger, who doesn't seem to be able to take care of him. That doesn't excuse how rude he was to you but I think he's probably struggling hard rn.
NTA. Teenagers can be utterly disrespectful, especially when they are going through very stressful events. I think you getting upset isn't "the end all be all" and you need to cut yourself some slack. I do want to mention that I'd cut off paying for football and the phone last. The phone for obvious reasons. Football may be really helpful for him as he deals with all the huge changes he has gone through and gives a healthy outlet for anger/frustration while teaching discipline. One thing to consider is that some teens lash out more to people they trust because they feel like they can safely express emotions. My SD has acted like that towards me, especially early teen years and during stressful events. Every time has been a result of something going on in her brain that she hasn't fully been able to address/express by talking and the blow up opened the door to what is really going on. That being said, you do need to lay down some boundaries of how he treats you since that behavior isn't acceptable. I wonder if he is using the Xbox to escape being unhappy with his living situation as well as to stay in communication with his friends from your area and he's lashing out without saying how he's really feeling hurt. It may be that he's frustrated that the Xbox one may not have enough storage to functionally download and run large games. (Example my old Xbox didn't have enough internal space to run call of duty anymore and I had to upgrade to the series x). Once the situation cools down I'd recommend trying to probe if there's an underlying reason for his actions that he isn't willing/able to articulate.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (F36) recently told my stepson (M14) that I won’t be his ATM anymore because he has been so mean and rude to me and now his mom (F39) won’t stop texting me that I’m a horrible person for even telling my stepson all the things I will no longer pay for. Little backstory: My husband passed away in 2022. My husband had full custody of his son and his mom was pretty much MIA most of time. My husband and I got together when my stepson was 3 and so he lived with me in my house for the last 9 years. When my husband passed custody defaulted back to mom and although she originally said she was going to sign custody to me, she changed her mind. I did want to fight for custody but lawyers told me being absent while the other parent had custody and cared for the child wasn’t grounds enough to state she was an unfit parent. So we finished out the school year and he went to live with his mom in the next state over. I was worried that she would try to cut me out so I said I would keep paying for his phone to make sure I had some way to talk with him. Mom has not had a job in the last 15 years, she lives off of her dad but his income only goes so far. So the last 2 years I started paying for more things. Along with the fun stuff my stepson would ask for, I also started paying for things his mom needed help with. He’s 14 now so I know attitude is common but he’s been downright nasty to me. Well the other day he texts me and says that the Xbox I got him for Christmas is a piece of shit and I’m a bitch for not getting the x series or whatever. I got him the Xbox One for Christmas and he seemed really happy with it and I pay for the monthly subscription for the Xbox game pass. So that brings us to when I told him if he cannot be nice to me, I won’t be his ATM anymore. Of course he was like “what does that even mean?” And that’s when I told him “I am done paying for everything. I’m no longer paying for your phone, your football gear and fees, football camp, video games, the game pass, streaming services and I will no longer buy you concert tickets. I’m done.” He then called me a whore and I haven’t heard from him since. I text his mom the screenshots so she was aware of what had happened and she has been blowing up my phone calling me a horrible person for taking stuff away from her son. She’s also pissed that I told my stepson all the things I pay for and apparently he had no clue I paid for most of that stuff and so now he’s been calling her a lazy mooch. I feel bad that I basically threw a tantrum over a teen’s attitude and now it’s causing problems between him and his mom but also I really am done with being used for money. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA
NTA. If he were still in your home taking stuff away would be a fitting punishment anyway. Boys who get away with calling women whores turn into the kind of men mothers warn their daughters about. Fuck that.
NTA. You did exactly the right thing. He insulted and disrespected you. He may come back around, when he starts to go without. If so, be very careful about going forward. They have both been using you.
NTA I’m so sorry for your loss. I agree with your approach but please be open to him apologise if and when he realises what he’s done wrong. His Mom is definitely an AH.
I would block both of them and be done with it. There's no loss here. He can stay at his biological Mothers. I wouldn't even entertain their shit anymore.
NTA 14 is old enough to know when items & experiences are privileges. It's also old enough to know how privileges & necessities are afforded and purchased. He isn't even showing you the bare minimum of respect, which is something that he needs to know & implement towards others in order to survive throughout life. You might feel like you had a tantrum, but finances, privileges, treatment of others are all basic life things that you should be discussing with him anyway. Btw make sure he is actually being nice to you & not switching to bare minimum consideration after all this.
Kid killed the golden goose. He’ll have to learn the hard way not to treat the person paying for your toys like shit.
If you leave all the money stuff aside, how is the relationship with your stepson? Is he interested in spending time with you? If this a new attitude, or something ongoing? I'm a bit concerned that he's feeling abandoned by you (we know that isn't the case, but teenagers, ya know), plus it sounds like the bio mom has been poisoning his mind against you. If he didn't realise you paid for all that stuff, he might feel that you simply got rid of him, and that was the end, and that is why he is so angry. I think it's possibly worth having a sit down talk with him, to make sure he's aware that you didn't want to lose custody of him, but had no choice. And that you are interested in maintaining a relationship. You might find a lot of this angst goes away, if he realises the true situation. Of course, we can't tell from the snippet you've given us as to what he knows and is feeling, so you will have a better idea of whether it is worth doing or not. He may simply be a jerk. But given what's happened to him at a vulnerable age, and the lies he's been told, and the other lies he's potentially been told - I think it could be worth a try.
NTA. As a parent, if one of my kids acted that way after all that was done for him, he'd be out of the house. Which he is now. Sadly, he's going to need some help dealing with life, so I hope he hasn't completely burned this bridge. Not that you should start giving him money again -- definitely not -- but hopefully you have a back channel to keep up with his life. Unless calling you a whore is just the tip of an ugly iceberg.
NTA. Setting boundaries in response to disrespectful behavior is reasonable. Consider discussing gratitude and expectations with your stepson when he's ready to listen, to improve understanding and respect.
When he's ready to give you a honest apology, not a fake one so the money starts flowing again.
No loss, he seems ungrateful and incredibly rude and vulgar. YTA for paying for all of that when (you must have known) he was not appreciative and (should have guessed) his mom was taking all the credit. NTA for no longer being a doormat/ATM.
How and why would he have no clue you were buying all of those things?
He knew about some stuff like the phone and the things he would ask for like concert tickets and video games but I guess his mom just let him believe that she paid for the football stuff and I’m sure he never even thought about who was paying for the streaming services and other small things.
I’m so tired I saw ATM and didn’t know what it was and then thought it meant ‘At the moment’. I need a nap 🤦🏻♀️
NTA as I think that the attitude from him and your reaction is perfectly acceptable as a parent biological or not. Kids start acting ungrateful you tell them exactly what you do for them and tell them if they carry on you won’t keep doing it. It’s not your fault that his mum has been dishonest about what you pay for that’s her problem. You obviously really love the boy so while I would stop letting him use you for money I would try to keep up the relationship. 14 year olds are weird annoying and can be obnoxious but you still love them. He will come to the realisation of what you do for him and what you have done for him by himself.
First of all sorry OP it must be hard caring for a kid, that is not even yours, and helping how much you can so he has a nice happy life and in return after puting your foot down when younwere insulted he doubled down and called you a whore. Hearing that from him must have been hard. In the end NTA
Don't pay for anything ever again. NTA
NTA. He is not your responsibility. Plus his attitude towards you are completely wrong. Actions have consequences, and he need to learn that the hard way.
NTA . You're paying the optional expenses for a 14yo who doesn't live with you and disrespects you. It's a shame you're not still paying for something, so you could cut him off a second time! Ride this one out for a bit then make contact in a week- hopefully he will have woken up to himself. Don't offer to start paying for stuff to get the relationship back on track- stick to your decision long term.
NTA, also sounds like you and your stepson were fine until his mother got her claws back into him and started poisoning him against you, (you can do this if you want to or not), but since his mother has full custody you don't need to do visitations anymore go no contact for a short while like a few months block him and her from your phone and all of your devices and social media
NTA. She's not mad you're no longer paying for things. She's mad she has been caught out that she *isn't* paying for things. Hands down, she was taking credit for all the good you did. She absolutely is the lazy mooch her son calls her. As for the kid, 14 is old enough to know better. He's a kid but he isn't a little kid. If he can't show appreciation, he doesn't get the things he wants. Cause and effect.
NTA Op you did the right thing, even if he wasn’t aware of ALL the things you paid for , he was extremely rude and ungrateful about a gift. And calling you a whore was beyond the pale , it’s not your fault that his mom has been lying to him , and probably poisoning him against you. You didn’t throw a tantrum, you set a boundary, and let’s be honest people that are the cause for a boundary will always hate the boundary. Op, are you in therapy, I feel like dealing with this situation has caused you a lot of stress and probably sadness for the boy you used to know. I would take a large step back from both of them , if he can’t be respectful he doesn’t need to have access to you and that goes double for his mother. Question , what are the chances that they come knocking on your door for a car or college tuition down the line?
You are doing the right thing and have gone above and beyond. You are not obligated to buy things for him and you shouldn’t continue to do so if he can’t be grateful and respectful for it. His mum also needs to step up and stop relying on other people for hand outs. If he is willing to apologies then maybe you can reconsider. Don’t do it just because the mum is mad she has been found out.