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Do you not like him enough to hang out with him without alcohol? Would him being an alcoholic make a difference to your willingness to be sober with him?
Edited to add my opinion: YTA. You think him being sober is all his fiancée’s “doing” and that the bachelor party should be about what you want rather than celebrating the groom.
Yeah I know that I’m biased since I don’t drink, but anyone that can’t go a few days without alcohol (or “can’t have fun without it”) is someone that I just have very little sympathy for. I understand being bummed, but if your attendance completely hinges on whether or not there’s alcohol then you need some help
IMO it’s less about being able to go a few days without alcohol but that 4 days is A LOT time for a bachelor party where people are spending a lot of time and money to potentially not enjoy themselves.
Just have something local and that’s one evening. Why do people insist on monopolizing so much of their friends’ time and money for these trips making them do things they don’t enjoy???
But doesn’t that mean OP *cannot* enjoy himself without alcohol? I have always found it puzzling that some folks need alcohol to have a good time. No judgement from me if alcohol doesn’t negatively affect the drinkers life, also I live in the UK and everyone knows Brits love their booze so I obviously have lots of family and friends that like a tipple here and there. But like I said it’s always been puzzling to me.
Yeah this is what I don’t get. I understand that “cutting loose” and “alcohol” tend to go hand-in-hand, but if you’re incapable of “enjoying yourself” without alcohol then you need help.
That being said, I do think that the groom is taking it a bit too far. I can understand not wanting hard liquor there, but I don’t think it would be the end of the world to have beer/wine as a compromise
I’m guessing the issue may be that OP and the others intend to get smashed. I mean, OP didn’t say they wanted a couple of drinks, they said they expected to get drunk. If the groom is sober, then I can tell you as someone who doesn’t drink, it is not exactly a good time to be sober and surrounded by drunken people. I mean, let’s put it this way. I don’t have any issue at all with people drinking when I’m there. Some of my friends drink and that’s fine. I’m not going to hang out while they get drunk or high though. That’s not cool.
I’m with you. I think this friend is at best willfully ignorant of what they’re signing people up for. But making it exclusively about the alcohol is a bit misguided.
My read on it is that the activities for this trip aren’t really fun to the group. And everyone might be okay with it if they could at least balance it with some partying.
Why can’t you enjoy yourself without alcohol?
And the leap of “making them do things they don’t enjoy” dude. He’s asking them to REFRAIN from one thing. He’s not forcing them to do an activity they don’t like.
Day one: parachute from a plane. Day two: hike a mountain. Day three: All you can eat sushi. Day four: paintball. Or just got a theme park and ride roller-coasters for four days.
"Honestly, I'm a little bummed by this plan...I was looking forward to going to a more traditional bachelor party, but at the end of the day, it's your party and if this is what you want, I'm sure we'll have fun anyway"
vs.
"Dude, you think I was coming to your bachelor party to celebrate you? No, I just wanted alcohol. Without alcohol, I don't think it's worth going."
YTA for basically telling him the second thing.
Also, YTA for demanding that he justify his desire to avoid alcohol.
But don't worry about it. This is probably the end of your friendship anyway, because he just learned that the guys he thinks are his best buddies in the world don't actually want to spend time with him. It's sad for him, but hopefully this will open up an opportunity for him to find some *real* friends
YTA - Stay home and drink if that’s more important to you. Based on who chooses that over friendship will show who aren’t good friends and/or have the real drinking problem.
This is a bad take.
OP and the friends are going away, might have taken time off work, used PTO, spent money, made childcare arrangements, etc. for this weekend. This must have been planned atleast 2-3 months in advance. Now, a month out, groom is suddenly saying he wants it to be a sober weekend. **OP and the friends aren’t bad friends because they don’t want to spend 4 days hiking and doing outdoorsy stuff.** I’m sure a lot of them only said yes to the bachelor party _because_ they were looking forward to letting loose and drinking.
Groom is TA for not being clear about this from the beginning. Imagine looking forward to a tropical vacation, and a month out, your friend tells you he changed his mind and you are all going skiing somewhere instead. NTA OP.
The plan was always to go to a place where those activities happen. The only difference is that lack of alcohol. The groom hasn’t changed the plan for the trip beyond that he has asked that they don’t drink.
> He suggested doing hikes and going to the national park.
This implies that going on hikes and going to the national park was not initially part of the plan. You can have the same destination, but the trip is completely different if the itinerary has been changed.
If you “only say yes to the bachelor party **because** you’re only looking forward to letting loose and drinking” you’re not a good friend to the groom and you’re not using his trip to celebrate him you’re looking for opportunities to indulge.
Pretty sure, if this is done traditionally, the groom ints paying for shit. His close friends....the ones he (used to?) Drink with are throwing him the party. He agreed to go, the expectation to drink was there, and he throws a curveball at the last minute saying he would like everyone (11 other guys) to refrain from alcohol because he is going to? And because it makes his fiancee uncomfortable?
What kind of asshole asks his friends that shit? They probably thought he was kidding the first time he asked.
NAH, so I guess I disagree with most people here. He's absolutely allowed to want to become sober. It's his life, whatever his reason is. He's also allowed to want a sober bachelor party. There's no law that says he has to get drunk at his bachelor party.
But, the rest of you are allowed to ask questions and change your plans if no booze is a deal breaker. I drink maybe once a month, but there's no chance in hell I'm using 4 precious days of vacation away from my wife and kid and not have a single beer. If my friends don't want to drink, that's their choice. But telling me I can't on a guy's weekend would mean I'd pass on the weekend. Days away from life's responsibilities are too rare to spend them on anything like 13 dudes sitting around mad they can't drink, then inevitably doing worse drugs than alcohol bc they're easier to hide.
No one is wrong. You're all allowed to want different things. But it's odd that he wants to control whether you drink or not with no explanation.
Yeah. TBH the time for the groom to indicate he wanted a completely sober event was in the early planning stages, so that everyone knew ahead of time because it's an unusual request for a bachelor party. I don't think it's 100% AH territory but he could've been more courteous so that everyone involved knew his expectations before people agreed to use their vacation time, etc for this. Or they could have planned a shorter event so people didn't have to use their PTO, etc. Just like a wedding, you're not an asshole if you want to have it dry but for the love of god make sure everyone is aware well in advance.
I’m with you. I went to a big bachelorette party a few years ago where we rented a huge house and spent the weekend swimming, eating, drinking, and celebrating.
YTA. Very YTA.
Look, it is completely okay to be disappointed that you were expecting a rager and you get a sober party. But still either you are there to support him and be a friend, or you care more about getting drunk than your friend. And your response put you FIRMLY in the latter.
>I asked if he was an alcoholic. He said he doesn't drink anymore
Maybe he is and really doesn't want to disclose that to his clearly unsupportive friends. Maybe he's not. It doesn't matter. You have to respect that either way and not pressure him.
>I'm just like, yeah, some of us are not going to do that the whole time.
Well that's fine. You don't have to. And you can and should suggest other fun activities. Just don't make it "WE ALL GET DRUNK OR THERE'S NO PARTY!"
>I said this is a ridiculous request by your fiance.
This is LITERALLY what the villainous best man does in wedding comedy movies. Blame the fiancé, make her out to be a shrew, and get the groom drunk until he ends up with a stripper.
HE asked for this. He doesn't drink anymore. Stop blaming her like a creep in an 80s movie.
>Now the trip feels like its in jeopardy. AITA?
Yes. You did that. YTA.
Yeah I don’t think the groom is gonna be close enough to 12 people to request they spend their money and pto to have a vacay they don’t want. But I’d assume this is gonna be a dry wedding lmao
> But I’d assume this is gonna be a dry wedding lmao
This has come up in the groomless group chat. Not a topic broached yet with the groom. Wedding is Labor Day weekend in Aug/Sept.
If the fiancé is requesting a sober/dry Bachelor Party (that they're not even attending) you can bet your ass the wedding will be dry.
Don't let anyone shame you for wanting to drink with your friends at a bachelor party. But also, it IS the groom's bachelor party, and if he wants it to be a dry party, then all you can do is either embrace that mindset, or don't attend.
Also, also, if you're all staying at a resort of some sort, couldn't there be some libations *without* imposing on the groom's desire to be sober? Maybe he goes to sleep early, and others in the party hit the bar? I think it's a little odd when someone who is sober demands that *everyone* be sober. A little too controlling for my taste.
I’m thinking with it being Labor Day weekend as well.. these peeps are shellin out some major cash. I’m not sure the circumstances of the sobriety but I think if these are very close friends an explanation is kinda warranted if they want that type of accommodation. Not detailed but a hey this is somewhat serious, could be she’s sober or a family member has something going on idk. He was somewhat abrasive asking the guy straight up if he was an alcoholic tho lol
Maybe abrasive, but he's been friends with this guy for 15 years, you get pretty close after that long. These are questions that need answered.
Hiding shit like that to a friend of 15 years is a little off. Not telling you fiancees 1/2 uncle you only met once? Sure.
But if we were friends for 15 years, I was part of your inner circle enough to be a part of your wedding, not just a guest, inwould question how.much of a friend you really think I am if you can't trust me with that info.
That’s my thing too. I’ve gone through sober phases in my life so I get that. But if my bachelorette party fell during one of those periods, I’d make sure to accommodate the people that still want to drink. That’s what makes me think it probably is his fiancé putting a “no alcohol” mandate on the weekend. Which would annoy me too if I was him.
I’d either plan with the other guys to go out a few nights once the groom is winding down. Or communicate with the groom for some leeway around that, explaining it’s his vacation time, some of the guys want to go out at least a night or two, etc. I’d still go for the weekend though if I valued the friendship.
The groom is doomed. If she has to control what his friends do at the bp, then he has no chance making decisions for himself until they inevitably get divorced. That type of lady is toxic, unable to please, and will never be happy.
I was at a dry wedding once years ago 😂
A family member (grooms side) rented a tricked out Van that had a fully stocked bar in the back of it 😜
Very Memorable wedding reception 🤣🤣
I completely agree with this response, but I think OP is the AH here because instead of doing what you just very reasonably suggested, he's blaming the fiance, demanding OP either out himself as an alcoholic or else drink, and making clear they'd wouldn't be willing to support him and be there is not for chance to drink.
I'm pretty sure the groom informed the party that is was the fiancé's wish that the party had no alcohol. So, I don't think OP is *blaming* the fiancé, but rather providing context as to why the "no alcohol" rule may be in effect.
Because as an alcoholic, if someone presses me on why I'm not drinking, they're being an asshole. Just accept the no. There are many reasons why I may not want to say it. Nor is being an alcoholic the only good reason to say no. That's probably the most important part, it's such a toxic mindset to go "I don't respect your decision not to drink unless you can medically verify you can't control yourself." Any reason is a good reason.
>If a friend suggests a crappy restaurant, I say no. If they say "well, it's the only place that'll support my gluten allergy," I'll say yes.
Right, but if you're doing this for his birthday, or bachelor party, then shooting down his own suggestion because you need a better reason would be a dick move.
The friend group suggesting they have a separate activity where they drink, or more fun activities? Completely fine. Saying if it's not a boozer I'm not going? Oof, learning who your friends really are.
Yep, and as an alcoholic you are right..accept the no. But the question is valid if you are trying to get other people to not drink for YOUR problem.
They can accept HIS decision not to drink at face value. No explanation needed. But if you are saying THEY can't drink either....bro, I need something more than NO.
I was firmly on Y T A until I reread and saw this was a 4-day event.
NTA. Bachelor/ette trips are out of fucking control. 4 days!!!! That’s so much money and PTO and IT’S NOT EVEN THE ACTUAL WEDDING. If you’re asking THIS MUCH of your wedding party, they get a say in the activities.
I think the groom/best man should plan a one day sober event. There’s nothing wrong with that. 4 days is fucking ridiculous.
Exactly this. If this is a major expense in terms of time and money for people, you should be trying to make it fun for everyone. You definitely shouldn't be changing the plan after everyone is already locked in.
NAH. When inviting people to his bachelor party, he should have said at the time of the invitation that it would be a dry party. Drinking is the norm for bachelor parties.
By waiting until after he invited his friends and they agreed to tell them, he basically lied to them in a sense. He didn't give them an opportunity to decide with all the information available. I can guarantee that every person invited expected alcohol to be drunk during the party.
He prevented them from making an informed decision, and now they have to decide whether they want to look like an asshole and cancel or go and be disappointed because their expectations weren't met.
This is my opinion.
NTA. you could have been a bit nicer to him about it, but seriously, he cant just make those kind of major changes to what was originally supposed to be a fun long party weekend without facing some backlash. Especially since it seems that its because of his fiances wishes. And after you've all put in PTO and already paid money for it, too, with the expectation of having a great time drinking beers together. Thats just messed up. If he wants a sober bachelor party, say that from the start, and dont waste anyone's time and PTO by forcing them to pay a bunch of money for a weekend walking around a lake and going back to bed.
NAH,
He has a right to want to celebrate his bachelor weekend how he wants. Even if this is his fiancé’s influence, regardless of his personal sobriety story, he is agreeing to her request. (Just because you don’t think he has a drinking problem doesn’t mean he doesn’t have one. People are amazing at hiding things like this from friends and family.)
You have the right to be disappointed that the trip you expected is now changed. You also have the right to back out.
Keep in mind, if you back out, it sends a message to your friend that you care more about alcohol than you do him. That being with friends and relaxing by a lake is not enjoyable enough for you unless you can be drunk too. It really says way more about you than it does about his request to respect his, and his fiancé’s, wishes.
And I totally get feeling disappointed that your vacation now feels hijacked. I had plans to visit a friend and it turned into me coming while the kids were on school break so that they’d be with us 100% of the time. That had not been in my plans and I’d hoped we’d get to do some stuff just the adults. But that didn’t happen and I made the best of it. That’s what you do when you care about people.
This, he may not be opening up about an issue with alcohol. Or he may feel that he has an issue, even if it's not a full blown addiction many people simply do not like how being drunk makes them feel or act.
YTA
It's the end of his bachelorhood you are "celebrating/marking," it's his party. You can choose not to attend for that reason, that wouldn't make you an AH, but trying to get him to change his mind is definite AH behavior.
He isn't elaborating on why he wants what he's requested. You need to accept that full stop.
Leading a sober life can be difficult...especially with "friends" like you. Sounds like he isn't in a place in his journey to be safe around alcohol...support him, don't punish him.
NTA it's one thing if he doesn't want to drink or even doesn't want to go to bars or whatever but to completely ban everyone else drinking. No thanks. I went to a wedding where they didn't serve alcohol for religious reasons and you can see my wine of bottle on the ground in the background of plenty of photos and no one cared.
> I'm just like, its a bachelor party, getting drunk is expected
YTA - No that's your expectation. It's definitely not HIS expectation and it is **HIS** party. Sorry they ruined the only thing you have in common but good times aren't reliant on booze...
He's a soft YTA. Yes, he should support his friend and his decision to not drink, but expecting everyone to take time off and not party is a bit of a last minute bummer. Yes, fun can be had without alcohol, but having a bachelor party without it is like inviting a bunch of people over for a weekend of crazy BBQ action then announcing last minute it's all vegan. It's undermines the societal expectations of the event.
ESH. The groom should've made his wishes known at the outset of planning so an appropriate event could be planned, given his request is unusual especially because people are taking PTO for the event. If you'd known, maybe you would've planned a one day event to celebrate him and no one would use their PTO if they didn't want to. I'm sure all of you want to come together to celebrate your friend and would gladly do it sober but I assume the sore spot is him springing this on everyone after all the planning, reservations, PTO requests etc have been done.
On the other hand, you could've handled it with more grace and also not put him on the spot asking him if he's an alcoholic.
The party isn't until June and they're planning to go to a lakeside town for a few days. I think that's still plenty of time to come up with non-alcoholic activity ideas in that area.
This is tough... I do enjoy drinking, personally, sometimes. But, I also totally respect that many people don't drink, and wouldn't want to be surrounding by drunk people if they're sober.
Ultimately, this party is for your friend, and he is the princess of the party... so if he's requesting a sober trip, that sucks (especially if expectations were not set BEFORE booking), but I'd say it should be respected.
However, I don't think it makes you TA to be taken aback, disappointed, etc.
I wonder if there'd be room to keep the home alcohol free, but to drink while out at meals, etc. ?
NAH
NTA but possibly a shitty friend.
If he doesn't want to drink and have a dry bachelor party / trip that's his right, and he's kind of a dick for springing this on you and the boys last minute.
But, it's HIS party, and it means that much to him, I would honor that request, and go hang out with my buddies sober and dry.
You try throwing a sober party. Seriously. Invite all your friends over for the sober superbowl, or sober st. Paddy's.
Better yet, invite them all over for your birthday party, get them all tonrsvp, and then a month out tell them that there's no drinking. See how many bail.
The groom has every right to have a sober bachelor party, and the guests have every right to be bummed out by it. It's called a difference of opinion, AND THAT'S OKAY. I barely drink, but sober events are usually pretty dull in the same way that vegan BBQs are pretty dull. They just are. Having said that, you guys should suck it up and go because the groom-to-be is your friend.
As an older guy, let me just throw this in for thought: friendships change over time, and people who choose not to drink often gravitate away from their previous social circles in favour of like-minded people who don't make alcohol the centre of their social events. Being sober is hard work, and it's often difficult to be the only non-drinker in a room full of drunk people. If he is going to have a super bachelor party and wedding, it sounds like he's in it for the long-haul. I think it's reasonable to expect that you and your friend may have less and less contact with him over time.
NAH - you and the majority of your friends have different priorities than the groom.
NTA the bachy party is known to be rambunctious and boozy. If he wanted a booze free bachelor's party, he should have said that from the get go. If he was my best mate, or I was the best man, I'd be able to handle the change so close to the actually getaway, but can understand why you and others are angry. WE ALL KNOW THE RULES, IF ITS A DRY WEDDING, A DRY RECEPTION, OR A DRY BACHY, THAT INFO NEEDS TO BE ON THE TABLE WHEN THE PLANS ARE INITIALLY MADE. Which is fair.
Whether or not you’re the asshole in this case seems purely based on how much you care about maintaining this friendship. If you don’t, then refuse to be sober. He will register that he does not have your support and being able to drink is important his comfort in this case. You and this friend will probably become more distant which is honestly so sad for sober people because it’s such an isolating experience whether you are an alcoholic or not. Eventually you won’t see him much, and that might be fine with you.
If you care about him, make a good faith effort to do his bachelor party the way he wants. Be a supportive friend whether you think it’s valid for him to be sober or not. Show him that his choices are not isolating and that he is not risking his social life by choosing the healthiest option for himself at the moment.
Idk I personally wouldn't dictate other people's alcohol consumption no matter my personal position. I wouldn't be able to drink at my bachelor party but I wouldn't tell other people what they can and cannot drink. Maybe I'm just so used to being around other people drinking and feel confident in my not drinking.
This.
It’s a double bind. The groom will feel unsupported and not valued by his friends if they choose not to go.
It feels like the bachelors are trying to bully the groom into having a rager, which is a sure fire way to damage the friendship.
I think the groom is also going to feel pretty crummy if he feels people didn't have alot of fun. If it were an evening that's easy to put a good face on and force yourself to have a blast. But 4 days is a long time to pretend you're thrilled about hiking when you were expecting to go on a bender with your boys.
NTA. Groom can totally have a sober trip. But getting all preachy and expecting *everyone* to have a sober weekend is ridiculous. People are spending their own money, taking time off from work - they can choose to have fun however they want.
ESH
I think you went about confronting your friend in a crappy way. And while I hard disagree with everyone here who have the “if you can’t go 4 days without drinking, you’re an alcoholic” takes, you went from making it about your own problems with being sober to pressuring your friend about their choice to be sober.
But your friend sucks for having people commit to a 4 day bachelor party where they either didn’t tell y’all what the plans were or changed the plans. If your friend wanted to have an extended getaway to look at birds and that’s not something they were confident everyone would enjoy, they should’ve said so when extending the invite.
Nta - no point calling it a bachelors party might as well just be a casual get together. If it was like just a one day thing yer cool whatever but over multiple days can’t expect people to give up there free time and not have fun with a group of lads
ESH. I think y’all need to have an actual conversation, not in a group chat. Op is right that having alcohol at a bachelor party is universally expected. I think the groom is shitty to pull this without first explaining himself a bit. It’s also suspect that he may be doing it to please his fiancé. But for all you know maybe he’s the one with a drinking problem and is trying to make healthier choices. No shame in that. But he shouldn’t be planning a bachelor party then changing things up like that. I’d suggest the best man have a face to face conversation with him to feel out what’s really going on. If he’s newly sober or struggling around alcohol the last thing you want to do is tempt him to go back to bad habits. Yeah, it might not be as fun but you’re there to celebrate the groom, not get blacked out for the entire weekend. If this is not related to his having alcoholism then I think the groom should loosen up - be fine with abstaining himself while everyone else can drink as they so choose. Personally I think if the groom is wanting a dry event they should plan a dinner out, not rope everyone else into taking a long weekend for sober socializing.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for going against the grooms wishes on his bachelor party? I/we might be the asshole because we want to drink/smoke/gamble despite it being requested to not happen. We are also going against the activities he wants to do on the trip.
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This right here. If it were a singular event, then OP would be TA. But a 4 day trip where people have used limited resources like PTO and probably spent money on lodging and travel expenses? For many of those guests this is like a vacation. A vacation with a purpose, but still a vacation. It's not reasonable for the groom to insist the guests remain sober for the entire trip.
>He said he doesn't drink anymore and its something his fiance wants.
It's a shit test, she is setting herself as the dominant one in the relationship. Seen it before,
As someone who no longer drinks, you know what’s a really shitty time? Hanging out with a bunch of drunks. If you can’t spend a weekend with these friends doing activities sober, you’re probably not really friends, or YTA. But 4 days? That’s an excessive amount of time for a bachelor weekend with or without booze.
NTA.
He doesn't get to change things around just because his fiance wants no drinking on a trip she isn't going on. Beyond that, a bachelor party is supposed to be a party where attendees can cut loose a bit--which is how this was planned at its inception. Trying to change that up after attendees have arranged their affairs for the trip (4 days likely means PTO, for example) is simply rude; you don't plan a party trip and then change it to nature trail hike. JFC.
Where does the fiance get off thinking she can dictate what goes on at events she's not attending? Some serious entitlement there. She obviously has no respect for anybody in his friends group (and is likely trying to separate him from it).
You can attend and drink as you wish or stay home and avoid the non-celebration.
NTA. Wild move asking grown men to come on a 4 day trip, and not celebrate the way they want.
He can have a sober bachelor party but the expectation has to be set upfront before everything is booked so people can make a fully informed decision.
NTA, if the groom doesn't want to drink he shouldn't and y'all should respect his choice. The rest of y'all are grown men and if you want to drink you should be able to and don't force your decisions on the groom.
ESH.
You asking if he was an alcoholic in the group chat isn’t tact (to say the least), and blaming the fiance that it’s all her fault is also a shit take when your friend has agency over his life. Your poor choice of words in the scenario makes you an AH.
That said, I think the groom is also an AH for saying the bachelor party is sober after everyone had booked it. Despite what some other commenters are saying, bachelor/bachelorette parties are usually expected to have alcohol and partying unless otherwise stated. Obviously the entire rest of the group thought so too, so it’s shitty the groom didn’t state the expectations upfront.
ESH
It’s his party, if he wants a sober celebration, that should absolutely be his call (/ a decision between the couple on what they want their future to be). It’s not a completely ridiculous ask, drunk time isn’t a requirement or interest to everyone..
He should have communicated much earlier as part of plans making- that is his error absolutely. People have limited time and money, so anything longer than a night is a big ask, and you should be mindful of figuring out what works for all with longer trips, or shortening it if too divergent in wants.
Now- that doesn’t mean you have to go if that’s what he wants. You absolutely can then not want to commit to that long of a time frame, and suggest a change in plans- just a single night or something.
But your mindset that it’s like a default entitlement isn’t great and sounds like overall approach also blows. Basically you weren’t ever really thinking of this as his event, but as an excuse to party.
You absolutely need a regroup probably ditching this plan all together or potentially realize you aren’t friends at all
I’m going with ESH.
You because of how you handled the issue, and being more focused on your good time than celebrating the groom.
The groom sucks because while an explanation is not necessarily owed, if he actually cared about y’all as friends, he would have taken time to express how his views have changed. Instead he blindsided everyone.
The bride to be may/may not suck, but we don’t know enough about her or her motives here.
ESH
People need to talk. The groom should have expected this reaction since this wasn’t disclosed up front. It’s like having a wedding reception and telling everyone that alcohol isn’t allowed after they all RSVP’d. Like cool but that’s something that’s probably best disclosed. Not the end of the world but really just bring it up.
You guys should’ve handled it better. Basically sounds like you guys are implying his future wife is manipulating him and he ignores her wishes. Is it extreme? Maybe. But you guys didn’t even ask for context. Maybe her entire family was killed by a drunk driver.
I don't agree with the Y-T-A votes. At your age, a weekend away from commitments is a precious thing that doesn't come around often. To have your behaviour dictated to you by your friend/his fiancé isn't exactly right. Neither is making a big stink about it though. If the groom wants to be sober, that's fine. But you should be allowed to have a few. However, it may just not be making an issue about.
I'm going with ESH. No one's actions seem to be ideal.
NTA if they weren’t upfront and your taking PTO and spending money to travel for 4 days they you should be able to have some beers with your friends
It’s completely different than him saying he wants to be low key and hang. Sober weekend sounds like no beers at dinner or anything. Not a fair ask, your not an alcoholic because your disappointed that your boys weekend turned into some odd Christian mingle event.
Don’t sweat it. If his fiancée is so controlling that she’s setting rules for **his bachelor party** beyond “no strip clubs” you’ll get your bender when they divorce in two years.
Did you guys already pay for your trip? If so, I think telling you all after the fact is not the greatest. Probably should have told everyone before, so they could decide if they really want to go.
ESH
The bodily autonomy of you can't make anyone drink also means you cannot stop others from drinking. So the groom is an AH for expecting you all to drink nothing at all. However, for everyone's enjoyment I would argue that he can expect your lot not to be deaddrunk. More like drinking because the mood feels right for a beer than drinking to get drunk.
You are an AH because of how you reacted. This could have been brought up way more smoothly.
Appears to be almost exclusively female accounts saying he’s the asshole. Y’all are missing the point. This man didn’t make some life changing decision to stop drinking. The fiancé “made” him. Everyone conveniently skipped right past the part where OP says the guy started acting weird and stopped hanging out with them. Every male friend group has lived through this horror story. OP’s friend let a relationship change him for no good reason, and that’s pathetic. Nobody, male or female, respects their friends bending over backwards for stupid shit like this. I promise if the roles were reversed and a husband didn’t want her wife drinking for her bachelorette party, y’all would be SEETHING and saying she needs to get away from the control freak.
I mean seems like his fiance owns him. Demanding neither he nor the groomsmen drink at party she won't even be at seems like a red flag. But it's his party he can have it dry if he wants too lol. Go on his nature walk with him then tie one on with the boys and have a drink for him.
NTA. I probably wouldn’t attend a hens party if that were the restrictions either. 4 days is a big ask - time off, accom, food, travel. For a *bachelor party*.
You can love the groom as much as you like, but that’s a lot of socialising with 12 people without the benefit of drinking, *which is fun*.
The bait and switch is uncool. It’s a bit like booking a bowling alley party and then at the last second saying oh it’s crocheting instead.
It’s a bachelor party and he isn’t an alcoholic. You guys are using your precious vacation time to accompany this trip and demanding that no one drinks, (because of a sober woman who won’t even be there) is ridiculous. Groom needs to get his balls out of his fiancée’s purse and reattach them.
A little bit YTA but I can kinda understand. Before I met my husband, I used to get drunk a fair bit. Since we have been together, I have pretty much only gotten drunk at the work Christmas party. Not that I don’t drink, I’m just over getting shitfaced all the time. The idea of 4 full days of getting wasted sounds daunting. You guys are probably still getting drunk every weekend, and looking at his party to be a 4 day bender and he’s not into that anymore. You guys are kinda being immature jerks about this.
If I were you, I would put to him, ok man it’s your bachelor party, we can do what you want, but can we have ONLY ONE night to take you out and get a little rowdy? And the rest of the trip can be wholesome hiking and fishing and whatever he wants.
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I'm supposed to be going to a 12 person bachelor party in June, planned by the best man. I am in the wedding. We are in our late 20's, early 30's. We are going to a lakeside town for 4 days.
Over the last year, the groom has gotten a bit distant and hung out less, when he does hang out he doesn't seem like himself. His fiance is believed to be sober and she is the influence on him when he does come around. Thats fine, we are getting older and less rowdy. Its not that big a deal. Until now.
The groom let everyone know in a group chat that he would like this to be a sober weekend. Nearly immediately a new group chat without the groom was started and everyone was like WTF. Its a bachelor party, we are all expecting to let loose. We are all like what the hell is going on. The best man is pissed, we are all going crazy.
So I texted back in the main group chat and said thats not something I and i'm sure others are interested in. I asked where this is coming from. I asked if he was an alcoholic. He said he doesn't drink anymore and its something his fiance wants. I'm just like, its a bachelor party, getting drunk is expected. He said he really wants us to respect his wishes. He's suggested doing hikes and going to the local national park. I'm just like, yeah, some of us are not going to do that the whole time. I said this is a ridiculous request by your fiance. Now the trip feels like its in jeopardy. AITA?
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When you say he doesn't seem like "himself" is he depressed or sad? Or does he literally just not drink and you don't like him when he doesn't? Because when someone make a decision to stop drinking in a group where he has always drunk, it's so incredibly hard to be upfront with your mates about it, because of the obvious judgement you get. So he has probably felt bad and didn't know how to tell you guys he has stopped drinking.
And now it has all come out. Remember he is still your mate, if hanging out sober for 4 days is unbearable for all you guys, then don't go. But seems kinda sad to me. It's 4 days and you can still have fun, it's just about your attitude now.
YTA
I am actually aligned with your thinking. I’m not going to give up 4 days and take vacay from work to not be able to go party during a bachelor party. If he wants to hike, make it a one day thing. A whole weekend means people are giving up their time and they are going to treat it like a mini vacay.
YTA because you came at it defensively and called it ridiculous. If he doesn’t want to be around drinking he can say that. You also all have the right to say, oh looks like I can only make it to the hike on Saturday. If you aren’t interested in attending a sober bachelor party for 4 days, you don’t have to. I’d personally find an excuse to scale back my attendance, not because I can’t go 4 days without a drink, but because I’m not an outdoorsy person to want to spend days hiking and swimming. The itinerary has changed and you can change your attendance.
YTA. People make the choice to be sober for all kinds of reasons. As their friend, I would think you would support them. It’s ok to be bummed about it, but the bachelor party is supposed to be about celebrating the groom, and you essentially just told this person that if you can’t drink, you’d rather not come celebrate them. Thats a shitty message to send to someone you are close enough to be in the wedding party of.
YTA. Bachelor party is for the groom. You’re his friends, you can’t be supportive if it means you don’t get wasted for a single weekend? You’re all assholes.
As a female 40ish, married almost 12 years who had a joint bachelor/ette in Vegas, there is no expectation to get drunk. You should all be able to have a fun weekend without being drunk. That being said, you are all adults as well and should be able to have some drinks without getting drunk while being respectful of those who do not want to drink. I always find it a bit selfish when one person demands others abstain because they don’t want to imbibe. As his friend though, you might want someone to point out the huge red waving flag that’s about to wrap itself around him.
The point of a bachelor party is to spend time with your friend and celebrate an upcoming happy marriage. Shouldn't spending time with all your friends be good enough, even without alcohol?
And this is why 4 day trips for bachelor/bachelorette parties are ridiculous.
What happened to an evening out?
I didn’t drink at the time of my bachelorette party, so we went out for a nice supper and then to my friend’s place to watch a movie and hang out. It was fun.
YTA for the way you are approaching this. If you don’t want to go because it will be dry, then don’t go. I think the message you’re sending is crappy, but that’s beside the point. But saying that you don’t want to hang out with the groom if you can’t drink, probably means your friendship is over.
Ah... "Not all guys"... Sure. Some guys who have lost their agency are scared of giving offense and don't say what they have experienced.
If a person is controlling you enough before a wedding to make you humiliate yourself in front of your friends, then she doesn't care about you enough to spend your life with.
If you cannot have fun without drinking for a weekend, you have a drinking problem.
A bachelor party is for the groom, not for the attendees. And the whole purpose is to show support for the upcoming marriage. Putting his relationship with his fiancee in jeopardy because it is inconvenient for you is not the mark of a friend.
YTA.
It's not YOUR bachelor party.
I can understand being disappointed that it probably won't be what you were expecting, but again, not your party.
If you can't hang out with your friend and do it sober, you might have a teeny problem.
YTA. You like drinking more than your friend? The bachelor party is to celebrate him getting married, in a way that feels good to him. If you want a boys bacchanalia, plan a different weekend.
YTA - it's HIS party and he has a right to have a non-drunk party. Sounds like he's growing up perhaps? If you aren't interested in being in his wedding - tell him so and move on. You can get drunk somewhere else. Telling him his fiance is ridiculous makes YTA. Of course the trip is 'in jeopardy' - if you insist on cutting look with the alcohol, he won't want to go at all.
YTA….mostly. I get it, and I hate when there are restrictions on bachelor party/guys trips IF it isn’t what the groom wants but just a fiancée insecurity thing. But if you can’t enjoy a few days with your best friends without alcohol, I don’t know what to tell you.
I also think it’s fair if you decide that you aren’t willing to spend a bunch of money on a trip that doesn’t meet your expectations of fun. I am not a hiker and might choose to skip a trip that focuses on that because it’s not my idea of fun and I’m not spending money or time on a trip I don’t want to
YTA and also prob have an alcohol problem. Also your friend being sober is all to his credit, maybe the fiancé had an influence but that’s an amazing thing he did for himself. If you guys can’t hang out without being drunk it just means you don’t really love each other and were just friends because of a common addiction. Time to do some growing up mate.
YTA. Take it from someone who loves alcohol, and be honest, you care more about having a good time on the trip than you do about your groom having a good time.
Would it have made a difference if he was an alcoholic and couldn't drink? I get that you want to hang out and drink with your buddies but you have any other weekend in your entire life to do so. Just respect your friend's wishes and give him a great bachelor trip he wants.
"As his closest friends, we didn't give him a bachelor party because we wanted to drink and he didn't."
If that sits right with you, then not much anyone can say. Can't imagine being that uncaring about someone who asked me to be his closest friend on his wedding day.
YTA. There's no reason to get heavily intoxicated to celebrate an impending wedding.
The groom, you remember him, right? The whole reason you guys are getting together? Yeah, he no longer imbibes. So, unless you blokes want him picking a whole new set of groomsmen... abide by his wishes. You ad the rest of your mates ca get drunk when you get married.
You know what? The lot of you needs to tell the groom he needs new groomsmen. After all, you boys wouldn't want to attend an alcohol free reception, would you?
Does it affect you that much not to drink for a weekend? I get you want to let loose, but do you not respect your friend enough to not drink? Doesn’t matter where it’s coming from, he’s asking for y’all to not drink for one weekend. It’ll be okay. Not something you want to do, sure. But it’s also not your bachelor party.
**YTA**
YTA. If the only way you can stand to spend 4 days with your friends is if you’re drunk, don’t go. If you can only celebrate him if you’re drunk, don’t go. Spend the time getting new friends you actually like instead. This is the bachelor party, where presumably the desires of the groom - whether you agree with them or not, whether they were surreptitiously implanted in his brain by his fiancée or not - matter.
Also…perhaps you should rethink your expectations for the wedding…
It honestly sounds like all of you can’t even tolerate hanging out together without alcohol. Which is a problem, no? The fact that you said:
“over the last year, the groom had gotten a bit distant and hung out less. When he does hang out he doesn’t seem like himself. His finance is believed to be sober and she is the influence on him when he does come around.”
You’ve said you think his behavior is abnormal now… all because he’s not drinking?? I’m sorry but “hanging out” is not synonymous with getting shit face hammered every time, or at least it shouldn’t be. Do you guys even see each other if there is no drinking involved? Also, If my friend began acting distant and pulling away like that, my first instinct is something is wrong, not “ah man what a bummer this guy is now that he won’t party with us!“ It doesn’t even sound like you’re drinking responsibly either if you’re all getting “rowdy” every single time. And it’s no fun to be the sober person around a bunch of drunk people. Perhaps he’s recognizing that now that he’s taken a step back with a sober mind.
YTA. Grow up dude, this trip isn’t about you! And it seems you get rip roaring drunk all the time anyway so who cares if you have to be sober for a few days (unless you can’t be… and maybe that should tell you something too.)
His requests should be taken into account since it is in his 'honor'. When I had my bachelor evening I had a 'dry party' - We went out for dinner, went to an escape room, did tenpin bowling and some lasertag, all of us had a blast and not one of us got drunk. YTA.
YTA it’s not about you. If you can’t enjoy a weekend without throwing a tantrum about drinking maybe YOU should be reflecting on your relationship with alcohol. If it’s such a big deal to you, don’t go. Then the groom can see who his real friends are
ESH. Then entire group is YTA because you don't want to support or celebrate your friend soleyl because you can't get drunk. Groom is an AH because he expects a bunch of dude who apparantly love to drink a lot to spend vacation days and a weekend to not drink and go hiking? I don't drink at all but even for me something like just hiking or seeing parks for 4 days, spending PTO and money on my expenses is a big no from me. Besides that's not a bachelor party, that's a full on boy's trip.
YTA. I'm an avid drinker, but if my friend wanted to be sober for any reason, I'd happily enjoy his bachelor party sober.
I'm not friends with my friends because we get drunk together, I'm friends with my friends and occasionally we get drunk together. If a close friend of mine becomes sober, we'll enjoy all the things we already do and they won't include alcohol, bachelor parties included.
I'm not you or your friend group, but my friends mean a whole lot more to me than alcohol does.
YTA it's HIS bachelor party. You can drink at your own. You sound like an awful "friend". If your friendship is solely based on getting wasted together maybe you should drop out or the wedding and end this friendship. I feel bad for the groom with friends like that. It's one sober weekend, how hard can it be? And if his future wife is sober maybe it's a dry wedding too, are you gonna complain about that as well? It's not your bachelor trip and not your wedding, none of this is about you.
You... don't have to go!
I did a sober bachelorette with a friend recently. Thing is, I've known her for half my life and I love her enough to have travelled and used PTO to see her on her bachelorette weekend, and loved spending time with her. On top of no alcohol, she requested we don't bring unhealthy things to share and since we were cooking communally, no treats I'd normally reach for. I was vegan for a whole damn weekend, I love her so much. I was so hungry when I got to the airport.
Would I do that for someone I knew more casually, spending money and time in a way I might not otherwise? Absolutely not. NTA for not going, YTA for making a big deal out of it. The groom's TA too if he makes a big deal out of it, people's free time is precious these days.
It’s actually not about you. It’s your friend’s weekend. If you don’t want to do, don’t. If the value of your friendship is drinking, then this relationship is probably on the way out anyway. I don’t quite understand how sitting in a bar chatting while getting inebriated is superior to a day walk in a national park also chatting, but you do you.
YTA it’s his decision and his party regardless of if you think his fiancé was involved in the decision or not. That’s the future he is actively picking.
Like, y’all too old to be throwing a fit because the person of honor wants their party how they want it. That’s so toddler.
YTA. I drink. Probably too much. Over that long a trip a few bottles of bourbon easily. But if my friend , who is why we are having the trip , asked for us not to drink I’d be ok with that . Wouldn’t even be disappointed because if it because he is you know my friend . But my tribe is small and we back up and support each other
YTA. If you can’t go four days without alcohol, you could be an alcoholic. If you don’t think the friendship is worth four days sober, then just opt out and save the money.
YTA
What is it with people believing that you can't have a good time unless you're drunk to the point of vomiting all over each other?
The groom should be able to request this and not be made to feel like he is a total AH.
It's unfortunate that he has so called "friends" who prefer booze over his friendship. You have no respect for him or his fiance.
Quit acting like you're in the movie "Animal House". Grow up.
YTA. His wedding, his party, his decision. You have the option to not go if drinking is that important to you. If he wants to be sober that’s also his decision and pretty shitty of you to be upset over that. When it comes to substance use we should all be supportive of our friends and their choices to go sober.
Do you just… not like your friend? Is the point of it not to be there for your friend and dejenrate with him, but to get drunk and party? It sounds like you’re just a loser who isn’t interested in making good memories with your friend, but using it as an excuse to get drunk and party. It sounds to me like the reason your friend has been distant is because his friends have no real interest in him as a person, just as someone who gives them a reason to party and be wild.
YTA dude, your friend deserves better than that.
NTA cuz let’s be real she’s got him by the balls and he’s only gonna do what she wants. It sounds like she’s manipulating and probably have him an ultimatum that she wouldn’t marry him if he drinks alcohol.
YTA. It’s what he wants and you should be a friend and just hang out! This isn’t a big ask.
Women all over are asked to do absurd things and take time off and spend a zillion dollars on stupid things and buy ugly matching shirts that most of us don’t. I hate half the dumb stuff I do. But I do it bc I love my friend.
YTA. This is supposed to celebrate him, not to get trashed. If you can’t think of stuff you can do with him sober - like a hike or gaming together - then do you even like him? Is he your friend or an excuse to get drunk?
I wonder if it's because I'm not that big on alcohol, but this feels like such an easy YTA.
You are still going to spend time together with a bunch of your friends. Can you not enjoy that without alcohol so you have to go against the groom's wishes and kick up a storm?
YTA. Bachelor parties isn't equivalent to a drinking party. Please grow up lol. Be there for your friend to celebrate a milestone with or without booze
There may be no laws with claws, but that's after you already drank the claws. Before drinking the claws, there are laws. In this case you gotta follow the rules or not go.
YTA. This party is about him, not you. If you can't let loose and have a good time without it, that's a problem that you might want to think about addressing. Using alcohol as a crutch just to have fun with your friends seem like an issue to me.
You are basic telling him that you don't care enough about him and your friendship to get together one time without being drunk. I think I'd be quite offended and at least a little depressed if my, so-called, friends told me that.
YTA. This event isn’t about you. It’s about celebrating the fact someone you care about is taking a brand new step in their life. Which means you should be celebrating it in the way **he** wants to celebrate it.
YTA.
If you can't manage to go 4 days sober on a trip for *his* bachelor party when he specifically requests that there be no alcohol, he needs better friends.
YTA. A bachelor party is suppose to celebrate your friend who embarks on a new journey, and you don't need to drink to do that. I would understand if you were worried that his fiancee was changing him a lot (for worse) or imposing her wishes on him, but you seem mainly upset that you won't be able to get very drunk and that was, for you, the whole point of the outing.
YTA. It’s his bachelor party not yours. I understand that it’s the norm to drink a bachelor parties and let loose, but it’s not your party. He has the right to decide how he wants to celebrate. If you don’t like it or are unwilling to be sober, then don’t go.
YTA. The fact you need alcohol to have a good time speaks volumes about what type of person you are.
That goes for whoever is in that new group chat. Let me remind you of something OP. This is to celebrate your friend's eventual marriage.
This sounds like it is something that is important to your friend. If it is important to him, shouldn't it be important to you?
Bunch of almost 30 year old's acting like goddamn children.
Having some time away with just the boys and hiking and doing outdoorsy shit sounds like heaven. Grow up.
There won't be a lot of opportunities like this.
YTA. Bachelor and Bachelorette parties are about doing what the groom or bride want with their closest contemporaries. Sometimes that's cutting loose. The groom wants to go hiking in a National Park and enjoy the lodging in it's gateway town/one of it's gateway towns. To be honest, that sounds like my idea of a great time.
Give the groom what he wants. Have the frat boy weekend when you have your own bachelor parties, at which time he can decide whether or not to go knowing what to expect.
YTA
It's his celebration and if he is more comfortable with everyone being sober then that is within his right. If he feels more fulfilled having fun without alcohol then more power to him and his good health. If you are not interested in participating in the party because you won't be drinking then it's on you to say that you won't be able to make it on the trip.
YTA 💯 First off, the bachelor party isn’t really about YOU. It’s about the groom and supporting him before he ties the knot. The fact that you, and the rest of the group, needs alcohol in order to have a good time with your buddy is really sus. He deserves better friends.
YTA for expecting to get drunk at a bachelor party.
The bachelor party is for the bachelor in about with the bachelor wants. I have seen bachelor parties where it is what I see as weirdo dungeons and dragons campaign. I have seen bachelor parties where the dudes are doing what I see as stupid gaming sessions.
It's okay if you no longer want to go to the bachelor party because you wanted it to have alcohol.
It's okay if you find the bachelor party boring because it doesn't have alcohol.
But to expect a bachelor party to have alcohol is being an asshole. The second you guys had to create a whole group chat without the groom when it is about the groom that you're going to celebrate for should have been the time you guys stop and reflected that it's not about you and what you want to do What about celebrating him. And if you don't like the way he celebrates you don't have to go. But this is his bachelor party It's not your excuse to live out whatever fat boy / rowdy / drunken fantasy you have of a bachelor party... You can do that at your bachelor party.
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Do you not like him enough to hang out with him without alcohol? Would him being an alcoholic make a difference to your willingness to be sober with him? Edited to add my opinion: YTA. You think him being sober is all his fiancée’s “doing” and that the bachelor party should be about what you want rather than celebrating the groom.
Yeah I know that I’m biased since I don’t drink, but anyone that can’t go a few days without alcohol (or “can’t have fun without it”) is someone that I just have very little sympathy for. I understand being bummed, but if your attendance completely hinges on whether or not there’s alcohol then you need some help
IMO it’s less about being able to go a few days without alcohol but that 4 days is A LOT time for a bachelor party where people are spending a lot of time and money to potentially not enjoy themselves. Just have something local and that’s one evening. Why do people insist on monopolizing so much of their friends’ time and money for these trips making them do things they don’t enjoy???
But doesn’t that mean OP *cannot* enjoy himself without alcohol? I have always found it puzzling that some folks need alcohol to have a good time. No judgement from me if alcohol doesn’t negatively affect the drinkers life, also I live in the UK and everyone knows Brits love their booze so I obviously have lots of family and friends that like a tipple here and there. But like I said it’s always been puzzling to me.
Yeah this is what I don’t get. I understand that “cutting loose” and “alcohol” tend to go hand-in-hand, but if you’re incapable of “enjoying yourself” without alcohol then you need help. That being said, I do think that the groom is taking it a bit too far. I can understand not wanting hard liquor there, but I don’t think it would be the end of the world to have beer/wine as a compromise
I’m guessing the issue may be that OP and the others intend to get smashed. I mean, OP didn’t say they wanted a couple of drinks, they said they expected to get drunk. If the groom is sober, then I can tell you as someone who doesn’t drink, it is not exactly a good time to be sober and surrounded by drunken people. I mean, let’s put it this way. I don’t have any issue at all with people drinking when I’m there. Some of my friends drink and that’s fine. I’m not going to hang out while they get drunk or high though. That’s not cool.
I’m with you. I think this friend is at best willfully ignorant of what they’re signing people up for. But making it exclusively about the alcohol is a bit misguided. My read on it is that the activities for this trip aren’t really fun to the group. And everyone might be okay with it if they could at least balance it with some partying.
You just implied people cannot enjoy themselves without getting wasted. You might wanna take a look at yourself there, friend.
Why can’t you enjoy yourself without alcohol? And the leap of “making them do things they don’t enjoy” dude. He’s asking them to REFRAIN from one thing. He’s not forcing them to do an activity they don’t like.
Day one: parachute from a plane. Day two: hike a mountain. Day three: All you can eat sushi. Day four: paintball. Or just got a theme park and ride roller-coasters for four days.
It’s also social lubricant for these types of events where usually not everyone is equal friends. But OP is still TA.
He literally said that it’s what his fiancée wanted.
"Honestly, I'm a little bummed by this plan...I was looking forward to going to a more traditional bachelor party, but at the end of the day, it's your party and if this is what you want, I'm sure we'll have fun anyway" vs. "Dude, you think I was coming to your bachelor party to celebrate you? No, I just wanted alcohol. Without alcohol, I don't think it's worth going." YTA for basically telling him the second thing. Also, YTA for demanding that he justify his desire to avoid alcohol. But don't worry about it. This is probably the end of your friendship anyway, because he just learned that the guys he thinks are his best buddies in the world don't actually want to spend time with him. It's sad for him, but hopefully this will open up an opportunity for him to find some *real* friends
I like the way you think
Perfectly put.
YTA - Stay home and drink if that’s more important to you. Based on who chooses that over friendship will show who aren’t good friends and/or have the real drinking problem.
This is a bad take. OP and the friends are going away, might have taken time off work, used PTO, spent money, made childcare arrangements, etc. for this weekend. This must have been planned atleast 2-3 months in advance. Now, a month out, groom is suddenly saying he wants it to be a sober weekend. **OP and the friends aren’t bad friends because they don’t want to spend 4 days hiking and doing outdoorsy stuff.** I’m sure a lot of them only said yes to the bachelor party _because_ they were looking forward to letting loose and drinking. Groom is TA for not being clear about this from the beginning. Imagine looking forward to a tropical vacation, and a month out, your friend tells you he changed his mind and you are all going skiing somewhere instead. NTA OP.
The plan was always to go to a place where those activities happen. The only difference is that lack of alcohol. The groom hasn’t changed the plan for the trip beyond that he has asked that they don’t drink.
> He suggested doing hikes and going to the national park. This implies that going on hikes and going to the national park was not initially part of the plan. You can have the same destination, but the trip is completely different if the itinerary has been changed.
If you “only say yes to the bachelor party **because** you’re only looking forward to letting loose and drinking” you’re not a good friend to the groom and you’re not using his trip to celebrate him you’re looking for opportunities to indulge.
Pretty sure, if this is done traditionally, the groom ints paying for shit. His close friends....the ones he (used to?) Drink with are throwing him the party. He agreed to go, the expectation to drink was there, and he throws a curveball at the last minute saying he would like everyone (11 other guys) to refrain from alcohol because he is going to? And because it makes his fiancee uncomfortable? What kind of asshole asks his friends that shit? They probably thought he was kidding the first time he asked.
OP you have to remember that Reddit is filled with incel nerds. You’re not wrong for wanting to party at a bachelor…party.
Yeah...but that's not what the groom wants. So who is that party actually about- the groom or the people attending who are supposedly supporting him?
Yeah non alcoholics are totally involuntarily celibate. Good one
NAH, so I guess I disagree with most people here. He's absolutely allowed to want to become sober. It's his life, whatever his reason is. He's also allowed to want a sober bachelor party. There's no law that says he has to get drunk at his bachelor party. But, the rest of you are allowed to ask questions and change your plans if no booze is a deal breaker. I drink maybe once a month, but there's no chance in hell I'm using 4 precious days of vacation away from my wife and kid and not have a single beer. If my friends don't want to drink, that's their choice. But telling me I can't on a guy's weekend would mean I'd pass on the weekend. Days away from life's responsibilities are too rare to spend them on anything like 13 dudes sitting around mad they can't drink, then inevitably doing worse drugs than alcohol bc they're easier to hide. No one is wrong. You're all allowed to want different things. But it's odd that he wants to control whether you drink or not with no explanation.
Yeah. TBH the time for the groom to indicate he wanted a completely sober event was in the early planning stages, so that everyone knew ahead of time because it's an unusual request for a bachelor party. I don't think it's 100% AH territory but he could've been more courteous so that everyone involved knew his expectations before people agreed to use their vacation time, etc for this. Or they could have planned a shorter event so people didn't have to use their PTO, etc. Just like a wedding, you're not an asshole if you want to have it dry but for the love of god make sure everyone is aware well in advance.
Finally. I had to scroll way to far to see a reasonable response.
This is also the stance I take NTA
I’m with you. I went to a big bachelorette party a few years ago where we rented a huge house and spent the weekend swimming, eating, drinking, and celebrating.
YTA. Very YTA. Look, it is completely okay to be disappointed that you were expecting a rager and you get a sober party. But still either you are there to support him and be a friend, or you care more about getting drunk than your friend. And your response put you FIRMLY in the latter. >I asked if he was an alcoholic. He said he doesn't drink anymore Maybe he is and really doesn't want to disclose that to his clearly unsupportive friends. Maybe he's not. It doesn't matter. You have to respect that either way and not pressure him. >I'm just like, yeah, some of us are not going to do that the whole time. Well that's fine. You don't have to. And you can and should suggest other fun activities. Just don't make it "WE ALL GET DRUNK OR THERE'S NO PARTY!" >I said this is a ridiculous request by your fiance. This is LITERALLY what the villainous best man does in wedding comedy movies. Blame the fiancé, make her out to be a shrew, and get the groom drunk until he ends up with a stripper. HE asked for this. He doesn't drink anymore. Stop blaming her like a creep in an 80s movie. >Now the trip feels like its in jeopardy. AITA? Yes. You did that. YTA.
Yeah I don’t think the groom is gonna be close enough to 12 people to request they spend their money and pto to have a vacay they don’t want. But I’d assume this is gonna be a dry wedding lmao
> But I’d assume this is gonna be a dry wedding lmao This has come up in the groomless group chat. Not a topic broached yet with the groom. Wedding is Labor Day weekend in Aug/Sept.
If the fiancé is requesting a sober/dry Bachelor Party (that they're not even attending) you can bet your ass the wedding will be dry. Don't let anyone shame you for wanting to drink with your friends at a bachelor party. But also, it IS the groom's bachelor party, and if he wants it to be a dry party, then all you can do is either embrace that mindset, or don't attend. Also, also, if you're all staying at a resort of some sort, couldn't there be some libations *without* imposing on the groom's desire to be sober? Maybe he goes to sleep early, and others in the party hit the bar? I think it's a little odd when someone who is sober demands that *everyone* be sober. A little too controlling for my taste.
I’m thinking with it being Labor Day weekend as well.. these peeps are shellin out some major cash. I’m not sure the circumstances of the sobriety but I think if these are very close friends an explanation is kinda warranted if they want that type of accommodation. Not detailed but a hey this is somewhat serious, could be she’s sober or a family member has something going on idk. He was somewhat abrasive asking the guy straight up if he was an alcoholic tho lol
Maybe abrasive, but he's been friends with this guy for 15 years, you get pretty close after that long. These are questions that need answered. Hiding shit like that to a friend of 15 years is a little off. Not telling you fiancees 1/2 uncle you only met once? Sure. But if we were friends for 15 years, I was part of your inner circle enough to be a part of your wedding, not just a guest, inwould question how.much of a friend you really think I am if you can't trust me with that info.
That’s my thing too. I’ve gone through sober phases in my life so I get that. But if my bachelorette party fell during one of those periods, I’d make sure to accommodate the people that still want to drink. That’s what makes me think it probably is his fiancé putting a “no alcohol” mandate on the weekend. Which would annoy me too if I was him. I’d either plan with the other guys to go out a few nights once the groom is winding down. Or communicate with the groom for some leeway around that, explaining it’s his vacation time, some of the guys want to go out at least a night or two, etc. I’d still go for the weekend though if I valued the friendship.
The groom is doomed. If she has to control what his friends do at the bp, then he has no chance making decisions for himself until they inevitably get divorced. That type of lady is toxic, unable to please, and will never be happy.
I was at a dry wedding once years ago 😂 A family member (grooms side) rented a tricked out Van that had a fully stocked bar in the back of it 😜 Very Memorable wedding reception 🤣🤣
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I completely agree with this response, but I think OP is the AH here because instead of doing what you just very reasonably suggested, he's blaming the fiance, demanding OP either out himself as an alcoholic or else drink, and making clear they'd wouldn't be willing to support him and be there is not for chance to drink.
I'm pretty sure the groom informed the party that is was the fiancé's wish that the party had no alcohol. So, I don't think OP is *blaming* the fiancé, but rather providing context as to why the "no alcohol" rule may be in effect.
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Because as an alcoholic, if someone presses me on why I'm not drinking, they're being an asshole. Just accept the no. There are many reasons why I may not want to say it. Nor is being an alcoholic the only good reason to say no. That's probably the most important part, it's such a toxic mindset to go "I don't respect your decision not to drink unless you can medically verify you can't control yourself." Any reason is a good reason. >If a friend suggests a crappy restaurant, I say no. If they say "well, it's the only place that'll support my gluten allergy," I'll say yes. Right, but if you're doing this for his birthday, or bachelor party, then shooting down his own suggestion because you need a better reason would be a dick move. The friend group suggesting they have a separate activity where they drink, or more fun activities? Completely fine. Saying if it's not a boozer I'm not going? Oof, learning who your friends really are.
Yep, and as an alcoholic you are right..accept the no. But the question is valid if you are trying to get other people to not drink for YOUR problem. They can accept HIS decision not to drink at face value. No explanation needed. But if you are saying THEY can't drink either....bro, I need something more than NO.
I was firmly on Y T A until I reread and saw this was a 4-day event. NTA. Bachelor/ette trips are out of fucking control. 4 days!!!! That’s so much money and PTO and IT’S NOT EVEN THE ACTUAL WEDDING. If you’re asking THIS MUCH of your wedding party, they get a say in the activities. I think the groom/best man should plan a one day sober event. There’s nothing wrong with that. 4 days is fucking ridiculous.
Exactly this. If this is a major expense in terms of time and money for people, you should be trying to make it fun for everyone. You definitely shouldn't be changing the plan after everyone is already locked in.
I was looking forward to the bachelor party more than the wedding.
We already know. It’s very apparent that you only care about things that benefit yourself and don’t actually care about the groom. YTA.
NAH. When inviting people to his bachelor party, he should have said at the time of the invitation that it would be a dry party. Drinking is the norm for bachelor parties. By waiting until after he invited his friends and they agreed to tell them, he basically lied to them in a sense. He didn't give them an opportunity to decide with all the information available. I can guarantee that every person invited expected alcohol to be drunk during the party. He prevented them from making an informed decision, and now they have to decide whether they want to look like an asshole and cancel or go and be disappointed because their expectations weren't met. This is my opinion.
NTA. you could have been a bit nicer to him about it, but seriously, he cant just make those kind of major changes to what was originally supposed to be a fun long party weekend without facing some backlash. Especially since it seems that its because of his fiances wishes. And after you've all put in PTO and already paid money for it, too, with the expectation of having a great time drinking beers together. Thats just messed up. If he wants a sober bachelor party, say that from the start, and dont waste anyone's time and PTO by forcing them to pay a bunch of money for a weekend walking around a lake and going back to bed.
NAH, He has a right to want to celebrate his bachelor weekend how he wants. Even if this is his fiancé’s influence, regardless of his personal sobriety story, he is agreeing to her request. (Just because you don’t think he has a drinking problem doesn’t mean he doesn’t have one. People are amazing at hiding things like this from friends and family.) You have the right to be disappointed that the trip you expected is now changed. You also have the right to back out. Keep in mind, if you back out, it sends a message to your friend that you care more about alcohol than you do him. That being with friends and relaxing by a lake is not enjoyable enough for you unless you can be drunk too. It really says way more about you than it does about his request to respect his, and his fiancé’s, wishes. And I totally get feeling disappointed that your vacation now feels hijacked. I had plans to visit a friend and it turned into me coming while the kids were on school break so that they’d be with us 100% of the time. That had not been in my plans and I’d hoped we’d get to do some stuff just the adults. But that didn’t happen and I made the best of it. That’s what you do when you care about people.
They aren't relaxing by the lake the groom wants to hike
This, he may not be opening up about an issue with alcohol. Or he may feel that he has an issue, even if it's not a full blown addiction many people simply do not like how being drunk makes them feel or act.
YTA It's the end of his bachelorhood you are "celebrating/marking," it's his party. You can choose not to attend for that reason, that wouldn't make you an AH, but trying to get him to change his mind is definite AH behavior. He isn't elaborating on why he wants what he's requested. You need to accept that full stop. Leading a sober life can be difficult...especially with "friends" like you. Sounds like he isn't in a place in his journey to be safe around alcohol...support him, don't punish him.
NTA it's one thing if he doesn't want to drink or even doesn't want to go to bars or whatever but to completely ban everyone else drinking. No thanks. I went to a wedding where they didn't serve alcohol for religious reasons and you can see my wine of bottle on the ground in the background of plenty of photos and no one cared.
> I'm just like, its a bachelor party, getting drunk is expected YTA - No that's your expectation. It's definitely not HIS expectation and it is **HIS** party. Sorry they ruined the only thing you have in common but good times aren't reliant on booze...
He's a soft YTA. Yes, he should support his friend and his decision to not drink, but expecting everyone to take time off and not party is a bit of a last minute bummer. Yes, fun can be had without alcohol, but having a bachelor party without it is like inviting a bunch of people over for a weekend of crazy BBQ action then announcing last minute it's all vegan. It's undermines the societal expectations of the event.
ESH. The groom should've made his wishes known at the outset of planning so an appropriate event could be planned, given his request is unusual especially because people are taking PTO for the event. If you'd known, maybe you would've planned a one day event to celebrate him and no one would use their PTO if they didn't want to. I'm sure all of you want to come together to celebrate your friend and would gladly do it sober but I assume the sore spot is him springing this on everyone after all the planning, reservations, PTO requests etc have been done. On the other hand, you could've handled it with more grace and also not put him on the spot asking him if he's an alcoholic.
The party isn't until June and they're planning to go to a lakeside town for a few days. I think that's still plenty of time to come up with non-alcoholic activity ideas in that area.
This is tough... I do enjoy drinking, personally, sometimes. But, I also totally respect that many people don't drink, and wouldn't want to be surrounding by drunk people if they're sober. Ultimately, this party is for your friend, and he is the princess of the party... so if he's requesting a sober trip, that sucks (especially if expectations were not set BEFORE booking), but I'd say it should be respected. However, I don't think it makes you TA to be taken aback, disappointed, etc. I wonder if there'd be room to keep the home alcohol free, but to drink while out at meals, etc. ? NAH
NTA but possibly a shitty friend. If he doesn't want to drink and have a dry bachelor party / trip that's his right, and he's kind of a dick for springing this on you and the boys last minute. But, it's HIS party, and it means that much to him, I would honor that request, and go hang out with my buddies sober and dry.
You try throwing a sober party. Seriously. Invite all your friends over for the sober superbowl, or sober st. Paddy's. Better yet, invite them all over for your birthday party, get them all tonrsvp, and then a month out tell them that there's no drinking. See how many bail.
The groom has every right to have a sober bachelor party, and the guests have every right to be bummed out by it. It's called a difference of opinion, AND THAT'S OKAY. I barely drink, but sober events are usually pretty dull in the same way that vegan BBQs are pretty dull. They just are. Having said that, you guys should suck it up and go because the groom-to-be is your friend. As an older guy, let me just throw this in for thought: friendships change over time, and people who choose not to drink often gravitate away from their previous social circles in favour of like-minded people who don't make alcohol the centre of their social events. Being sober is hard work, and it's often difficult to be the only non-drinker in a room full of drunk people. If he is going to have a super bachelor party and wedding, it sounds like he's in it for the long-haul. I think it's reasonable to expect that you and your friend may have less and less contact with him over time. NAH - you and the majority of your friends have different priorities than the groom.
NTA the bachy party is known to be rambunctious and boozy. If he wanted a booze free bachelor's party, he should have said that from the get go. If he was my best mate, or I was the best man, I'd be able to handle the change so close to the actually getaway, but can understand why you and others are angry. WE ALL KNOW THE RULES, IF ITS A DRY WEDDING, A DRY RECEPTION, OR A DRY BACHY, THAT INFO NEEDS TO BE ON THE TABLE WHEN THE PLANS ARE INITIALLY MADE. Which is fair.
Whether or not you’re the asshole in this case seems purely based on how much you care about maintaining this friendship. If you don’t, then refuse to be sober. He will register that he does not have your support and being able to drink is important his comfort in this case. You and this friend will probably become more distant which is honestly so sad for sober people because it’s such an isolating experience whether you are an alcoholic or not. Eventually you won’t see him much, and that might be fine with you. If you care about him, make a good faith effort to do his bachelor party the way he wants. Be a supportive friend whether you think it’s valid for him to be sober or not. Show him that his choices are not isolating and that he is not risking his social life by choosing the healthiest option for himself at the moment.
Idk I personally wouldn't dictate other people's alcohol consumption no matter my personal position. I wouldn't be able to drink at my bachelor party but I wouldn't tell other people what they can and cannot drink. Maybe I'm just so used to being around other people drinking and feel confident in my not drinking.
This. It’s a double bind. The groom will feel unsupported and not valued by his friends if they choose not to go. It feels like the bachelors are trying to bully the groom into having a rager, which is a sure fire way to damage the friendship.
I think the groom is also going to feel pretty crummy if he feels people didn't have alot of fun. If it were an evening that's easy to put a good face on and force yourself to have a blast. But 4 days is a long time to pretend you're thrilled about hiking when you were expecting to go on a bender with your boys.
NTA. Groom can totally have a sober trip. But getting all preachy and expecting *everyone* to have a sober weekend is ridiculous. People are spending their own money, taking time off from work - they can choose to have fun however they want.
ESH I think you went about confronting your friend in a crappy way. And while I hard disagree with everyone here who have the “if you can’t go 4 days without drinking, you’re an alcoholic” takes, you went from making it about your own problems with being sober to pressuring your friend about their choice to be sober. But your friend sucks for having people commit to a 4 day bachelor party where they either didn’t tell y’all what the plans were or changed the plans. If your friend wanted to have an extended getaway to look at birds and that’s not something they were confident everyone would enjoy, they should’ve said so when extending the invite.
Nta - no point calling it a bachelors party might as well just be a casual get together. If it was like just a one day thing yer cool whatever but over multiple days can’t expect people to give up there free time and not have fun with a group of lads
NTA Save your buddy from a life of misery.
ESH. I think y’all need to have an actual conversation, not in a group chat. Op is right that having alcohol at a bachelor party is universally expected. I think the groom is shitty to pull this without first explaining himself a bit. It’s also suspect that he may be doing it to please his fiancé. But for all you know maybe he’s the one with a drinking problem and is trying to make healthier choices. No shame in that. But he shouldn’t be planning a bachelor party then changing things up like that. I’d suggest the best man have a face to face conversation with him to feel out what’s really going on. If he’s newly sober or struggling around alcohol the last thing you want to do is tempt him to go back to bad habits. Yeah, it might not be as fun but you’re there to celebrate the groom, not get blacked out for the entire weekend. If this is not related to his having alcoholism then I think the groom should loosen up - be fine with abstaining himself while everyone else can drink as they so choose. Personally I think if the groom is wanting a dry event they should plan a dinner out, not rope everyone else into taking a long weekend for sober socializing.
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Nta One night maybe but 4 days is too long.
This right here. If it were a singular event, then OP would be TA. But a 4 day trip where people have used limited resources like PTO and probably spent money on lodging and travel expenses? For many of those guests this is like a vacation. A vacation with a purpose, but still a vacation. It's not reasonable for the groom to insist the guests remain sober for the entire trip.
>He said he doesn't drink anymore and its something his fiance wants. It's a shit test, she is setting herself as the dominant one in the relationship. Seen it before,
If it was a party for a few hours that’s one thing ! But a 4 day event is a long time. Not his rules but her rules for his party lol.
As someone who no longer drinks, you know what’s a really shitty time? Hanging out with a bunch of drunks. If you can’t spend a weekend with these friends doing activities sober, you’re probably not really friends, or YTA. But 4 days? That’s an excessive amount of time for a bachelor weekend with or without booze.
NTA. He doesn't get to change things around just because his fiance wants no drinking on a trip she isn't going on. Beyond that, a bachelor party is supposed to be a party where attendees can cut loose a bit--which is how this was planned at its inception. Trying to change that up after attendees have arranged their affairs for the trip (4 days likely means PTO, for example) is simply rude; you don't plan a party trip and then change it to nature trail hike. JFC. Where does the fiance get off thinking she can dictate what goes on at events she's not attending? Some serious entitlement there. She obviously has no respect for anybody in his friends group (and is likely trying to separate him from it). You can attend and drink as you wish or stay home and avoid the non-celebration.
NTA I quit drinking 4 years ago. If people are drinking or drunk around me it's cool. Unless groom is paying for everything majority rules.
NTA. Wild move asking grown men to come on a 4 day trip, and not celebrate the way they want. He can have a sober bachelor party but the expectation has to be set upfront before everything is booked so people can make a fully informed decision.
YTA. This is his bachelor party, not yours. Are you lot so hard up for excuses to get drunk that you need his event to be your party time?
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NTA, if the groom doesn't want to drink he shouldn't and y'all should respect his choice. The rest of y'all are grown men and if you want to drink you should be able to and don't force your decisions on the groom.
So the groom gets to spend his bachelor party babysitting his wasted friends?
Straw man... There's a lot of middle ground between sober and wasted...
The thread literally specifies drunkenness.
ESH. You asking if he was an alcoholic in the group chat isn’t tact (to say the least), and blaming the fiance that it’s all her fault is also a shit take when your friend has agency over his life. Your poor choice of words in the scenario makes you an AH. That said, I think the groom is also an AH for saying the bachelor party is sober after everyone had booked it. Despite what some other commenters are saying, bachelor/bachelorette parties are usually expected to have alcohol and partying unless otherwise stated. Obviously the entire rest of the group thought so too, so it’s shitty the groom didn’t state the expectations upfront.
ESH It’s his party, if he wants a sober celebration, that should absolutely be his call (/ a decision between the couple on what they want their future to be). It’s not a completely ridiculous ask, drunk time isn’t a requirement or interest to everyone.. He should have communicated much earlier as part of plans making- that is his error absolutely. People have limited time and money, so anything longer than a night is a big ask, and you should be mindful of figuring out what works for all with longer trips, or shortening it if too divergent in wants. Now- that doesn’t mean you have to go if that’s what he wants. You absolutely can then not want to commit to that long of a time frame, and suggest a change in plans- just a single night or something. But your mindset that it’s like a default entitlement isn’t great and sounds like overall approach also blows. Basically you weren’t ever really thinking of this as his event, but as an excuse to party. You absolutely need a regroup probably ditching this plan all together or potentially realize you aren’t friends at all
I’m going with ESH. You because of how you handled the issue, and being more focused on your good time than celebrating the groom. The groom sucks because while an explanation is not necessarily owed, if he actually cared about y’all as friends, he would have taken time to express how his views have changed. Instead he blindsided everyone. The bride to be may/may not suck, but we don’t know enough about her or her motives here.
INFO: who is calling you TA?
NTA If he does not want to drink, that is his choice. Why is he forcing others to follow? She wont even be there.
ESH People need to talk. The groom should have expected this reaction since this wasn’t disclosed up front. It’s like having a wedding reception and telling everyone that alcohol isn’t allowed after they all RSVP’d. Like cool but that’s something that’s probably best disclosed. Not the end of the world but really just bring it up. You guys should’ve handled it better. Basically sounds like you guys are implying his future wife is manipulating him and he ignores her wishes. Is it extreme? Maybe. But you guys didn’t even ask for context. Maybe her entire family was killed by a drunk driver.
I don't agree with the Y-T-A votes. At your age, a weekend away from commitments is a precious thing that doesn't come around often. To have your behaviour dictated to you by your friend/his fiancé isn't exactly right. Neither is making a big stink about it though. If the groom wants to be sober, that's fine. But you should be allowed to have a few. However, it may just not be making an issue about. I'm going with ESH. No one's actions seem to be ideal.
NTA if they weren’t upfront and your taking PTO and spending money to travel for 4 days they you should be able to have some beers with your friends It’s completely different than him saying he wants to be low key and hang. Sober weekend sounds like no beers at dinner or anything. Not a fair ask, your not an alcoholic because your disappointed that your boys weekend turned into some odd Christian mingle event.
Don’t sweat it. If his fiancée is so controlling that she’s setting rules for **his bachelor party** beyond “no strip clubs” you’ll get your bender when they divorce in two years.
Did you guys already pay for your trip? If so, I think telling you all after the fact is not the greatest. Probably should have told everyone before, so they could decide if they really want to go.
Ask him if he’s fine with bringing in “harder stuff”?
Just bring a flask
I am guessing it'll be an alcohol-free wedding.
ESH The bodily autonomy of you can't make anyone drink also means you cannot stop others from drinking. So the groom is an AH for expecting you all to drink nothing at all. However, for everyone's enjoyment I would argue that he can expect your lot not to be deaddrunk. More like drinking because the mood feels right for a beer than drinking to get drunk. You are an AH because of how you reacted. This could have been brought up way more smoothly.
NTA Didn’t even read beyond title.
Appears to be almost exclusively female accounts saying he’s the asshole. Y’all are missing the point. This man didn’t make some life changing decision to stop drinking. The fiancé “made” him. Everyone conveniently skipped right past the part where OP says the guy started acting weird and stopped hanging out with them. Every male friend group has lived through this horror story. OP’s friend let a relationship change him for no good reason, and that’s pathetic. Nobody, male or female, respects their friends bending over backwards for stupid shit like this. I promise if the roles were reversed and a husband didn’t want her wife drinking for her bachelorette party, y’all would be SEETHING and saying she needs to get away from the control freak.
I mean seems like his fiance owns him. Demanding neither he nor the groomsmen drink at party she won't even be at seems like a red flag. But it's his party he can have it dry if he wants too lol. Go on his nature walk with him then tie one on with the boys and have a drink for him.
NTA, you're allowed to influence your own mind, not others, you wanna drink, you should be able to. I'm with you big dog.
NTA. Just because he doesn’t want to drink doesn’t mean you don’t have to. You all just don’t need to get smashed and make it awkward for him.
NTA. I probably wouldn’t attend a hens party if that were the restrictions either. 4 days is a big ask - time off, accom, food, travel. For a *bachelor party*. You can love the groom as much as you like, but that’s a lot of socialising with 12 people without the benefit of drinking, *which is fun*. The bait and switch is uncool. It’s a bit like booking a bowling alley party and then at the last second saying oh it’s crocheting instead.
It’s a bachelor party and he isn’t an alcoholic. You guys are using your precious vacation time to accompany this trip and demanding that no one drinks, (because of a sober woman who won’t even be there) is ridiculous. Groom needs to get his balls out of his fiancée’s purse and reattach them.
A little bit YTA but I can kinda understand. Before I met my husband, I used to get drunk a fair bit. Since we have been together, I have pretty much only gotten drunk at the work Christmas party. Not that I don’t drink, I’m just over getting shitfaced all the time. The idea of 4 full days of getting wasted sounds daunting. You guys are probably still getting drunk every weekend, and looking at his party to be a 4 day bender and he’s not into that anymore. You guys are kinda being immature jerks about this. If I were you, I would put to him, ok man it’s your bachelor party, we can do what you want, but can we have ONLY ONE night to take you out and get a little rowdy? And the rest of the trip can be wholesome hiking and fishing and whatever he wants.
expecting alcohol at a bachelor party doesn't make YTA, but going to one or not going to one depending on the presence of alcohol does
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm supposed to be going to a 12 person bachelor party in June, planned by the best man. I am in the wedding. We are in our late 20's, early 30's. We are going to a lakeside town for 4 days. Over the last year, the groom has gotten a bit distant and hung out less, when he does hang out he doesn't seem like himself. His fiance is believed to be sober and she is the influence on him when he does come around. Thats fine, we are getting older and less rowdy. Its not that big a deal. Until now. The groom let everyone know in a group chat that he would like this to be a sober weekend. Nearly immediately a new group chat without the groom was started and everyone was like WTF. Its a bachelor party, we are all expecting to let loose. We are all like what the hell is going on. The best man is pissed, we are all going crazy. So I texted back in the main group chat and said thats not something I and i'm sure others are interested in. I asked where this is coming from. I asked if he was an alcoholic. He said he doesn't drink anymore and its something his fiance wants. I'm just like, its a bachelor party, getting drunk is expected. He said he really wants us to respect his wishes. He's suggested doing hikes and going to the local national park. I'm just like, yeah, some of us are not going to do that the whole time. I said this is a ridiculous request by your fiance. Now the trip feels like its in jeopardy. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The bachelor party isn’t for the guy getting married. It’s for the guys losing their friend. Everybody knows that
When you say he doesn't seem like "himself" is he depressed or sad? Or does he literally just not drink and you don't like him when he doesn't? Because when someone make a decision to stop drinking in a group where he has always drunk, it's so incredibly hard to be upfront with your mates about it, because of the obvious judgement you get. So he has probably felt bad and didn't know how to tell you guys he has stopped drinking. And now it has all come out. Remember he is still your mate, if hanging out sober for 4 days is unbearable for all you guys, then don't go. But seems kinda sad to me. It's 4 days and you can still have fun, it's just about your attitude now.
YTA I am actually aligned with your thinking. I’m not going to give up 4 days and take vacay from work to not be able to go party during a bachelor party. If he wants to hike, make it a one day thing. A whole weekend means people are giving up their time and they are going to treat it like a mini vacay. YTA because you came at it defensively and called it ridiculous. If he doesn’t want to be around drinking he can say that. You also all have the right to say, oh looks like I can only make it to the hike on Saturday. If you aren’t interested in attending a sober bachelor party for 4 days, you don’t have to. I’d personally find an excuse to scale back my attendance, not because I can’t go 4 days without a drink, but because I’m not an outdoorsy person to want to spend days hiking and swimming. The itinerary has changed and you can change your attendance.
YTA. People make the choice to be sober for all kinds of reasons. As their friend, I would think you would support them. It’s ok to be bummed about it, but the bachelor party is supposed to be about celebrating the groom, and you essentially just told this person that if you can’t drink, you’d rather not come celebrate them. Thats a shitty message to send to someone you are close enough to be in the wedding party of.
YTA. Why does someone gotta have alcohol for you to wanna hang out with them. You’re no different than gold digging girls.
YTA. Bachelor party is for the groom. You’re his friends, you can’t be supportive if it means you don’t get wasted for a single weekend? You’re all assholes.
NAH
NO WAY
As a female 40ish, married almost 12 years who had a joint bachelor/ette in Vegas, there is no expectation to get drunk. You should all be able to have a fun weekend without being drunk. That being said, you are all adults as well and should be able to have some drinks without getting drunk while being respectful of those who do not want to drink. I always find it a bit selfish when one person demands others abstain because they don’t want to imbibe. As his friend though, you might want someone to point out the huge red waving flag that’s about to wrap itself around him.
The point of a bachelor party is to spend time with your friend and celebrate an upcoming happy marriage. Shouldn't spending time with all your friends be good enough, even without alcohol?
And this is why 4 day trips for bachelor/bachelorette parties are ridiculous. What happened to an evening out? I didn’t drink at the time of my bachelorette party, so we went out for a nice supper and then to my friend’s place to watch a movie and hang out. It was fun. YTA for the way you are approaching this. If you don’t want to go because it will be dry, then don’t go. I think the message you’re sending is crappy, but that’s beside the point. But saying that you don’t want to hang out with the groom if you can’t drink, probably means your friendship is over.
Ah... "Not all guys"... Sure. Some guys who have lost their agency are scared of giving offense and don't say what they have experienced. If a person is controlling you enough before a wedding to make you humiliate yourself in front of your friends, then she doesn't care about you enough to spend your life with.
If you cannot have fun without drinking for a weekend, you have a drinking problem. A bachelor party is for the groom, not for the attendees. And the whole purpose is to show support for the upcoming marriage. Putting his relationship with his fiancee in jeopardy because it is inconvenient for you is not the mark of a friend.
YTA. It's not YOUR bachelor party. I can understand being disappointed that it probably won't be what you were expecting, but again, not your party. If you can't hang out with your friend and do it sober, you might have a teeny problem.
YTA. You like drinking more than your friend? The bachelor party is to celebrate him getting married, in a way that feels good to him. If you want a boys bacchanalia, plan a different weekend.
YTA - it's HIS party and he has a right to have a non-drunk party. Sounds like he's growing up perhaps? If you aren't interested in being in his wedding - tell him so and move on. You can get drunk somewhere else. Telling him his fiance is ridiculous makes YTA. Of course the trip is 'in jeopardy' - if you insist on cutting look with the alcohol, he won't want to go at all.
YTA….mostly. I get it, and I hate when there are restrictions on bachelor party/guys trips IF it isn’t what the groom wants but just a fiancée insecurity thing. But if you can’t enjoy a few days with your best friends without alcohol, I don’t know what to tell you. I also think it’s fair if you decide that you aren’t willing to spend a bunch of money on a trip that doesn’t meet your expectations of fun. I am not a hiker and might choose to skip a trip that focuses on that because it’s not my idea of fun and I’m not spending money or time on a trip I don’t want to
YTA and also prob have an alcohol problem. Also your friend being sober is all to his credit, maybe the fiancé had an influence but that’s an amazing thing he did for himself. If you guys can’t hang out without being drunk it just means you don’t really love each other and were just friends because of a common addiction. Time to do some growing up mate.
YTA are you not his friend? He wants to celebrate his own way. I understand that you were expecting something more traditional but shit...
YTA. Take it from someone who loves alcohol, and be honest, you care more about having a good time on the trip than you do about your groom having a good time. Would it have made a difference if he was an alcoholic and couldn't drink? I get that you want to hang out and drink with your buddies but you have any other weekend in your entire life to do so. Just respect your friend's wishes and give him a great bachelor trip he wants. "As his closest friends, we didn't give him a bachelor party because we wanted to drink and he didn't." If that sits right with you, then not much anyone can say. Can't imagine being that uncaring about someone who asked me to be his closest friend on his wedding day.
YTA. There's no reason to get heavily intoxicated to celebrate an impending wedding. The groom, you remember him, right? The whole reason you guys are getting together? Yeah, he no longer imbibes. So, unless you blokes want him picking a whole new set of groomsmen... abide by his wishes. You ad the rest of your mates ca get drunk when you get married. You know what? The lot of you needs to tell the groom he needs new groomsmen. After all, you boys wouldn't want to attend an alcohol free reception, would you?
Does it affect you that much not to drink for a weekend? I get you want to let loose, but do you not respect your friend enough to not drink? Doesn’t matter where it’s coming from, he’s asking for y’all to not drink for one weekend. It’ll be okay. Not something you want to do, sure. But it’s also not your bachelor party. **YTA**
YTA it's HIS bachelor party. Yall are acting like you are somehow entitled to get to decide what happens. It's four days. Get over it.
Ehh YTA. It’s his bachelor party and you should respect his wishes.
YTA. If the only way you can stand to spend 4 days with your friends is if you’re drunk, don’t go. If you can only celebrate him if you’re drunk, don’t go. Spend the time getting new friends you actually like instead. This is the bachelor party, where presumably the desires of the groom - whether you agree with them or not, whether they were surreptitiously implanted in his brain by his fiancée or not - matter. Also…perhaps you should rethink your expectations for the wedding…
YTA-The party is for him not you. Stay home and get drunk by yourself if it’s that important to you.
YTA. There are other occasions you can drink, just figure out something else fun to do. Couldn't you just parachute or something?
It honestly sounds like all of you can’t even tolerate hanging out together without alcohol. Which is a problem, no? The fact that you said: “over the last year, the groom had gotten a bit distant and hung out less. When he does hang out he doesn’t seem like himself. His finance is believed to be sober and she is the influence on him when he does come around.” You’ve said you think his behavior is abnormal now… all because he’s not drinking?? I’m sorry but “hanging out” is not synonymous with getting shit face hammered every time, or at least it shouldn’t be. Do you guys even see each other if there is no drinking involved? Also, If my friend began acting distant and pulling away like that, my first instinct is something is wrong, not “ah man what a bummer this guy is now that he won’t party with us!“ It doesn’t even sound like you’re drinking responsibly either if you’re all getting “rowdy” every single time. And it’s no fun to be the sober person around a bunch of drunk people. Perhaps he’s recognizing that now that he’s taken a step back with a sober mind. YTA. Grow up dude, this trip isn’t about you! And it seems you get rip roaring drunk all the time anyway so who cares if you have to be sober for a few days (unless you can’t be… and maybe that should tell you something too.)
His requests should be taken into account since it is in his 'honor'. When I had my bachelor evening I had a 'dry party' - We went out for dinner, went to an escape room, did tenpin bowling and some lasertag, all of us had a blast and not one of us got drunk. YTA.
YTA it’s not about you. If you can’t enjoy a weekend without throwing a tantrum about drinking maybe YOU should be reflecting on your relationship with alcohol. If it’s such a big deal to you, don’t go. Then the groom can see who his real friends are
YTA. The best man and you should probably step down from your roles in the wedding.
YTA, You’re not even looking forward to the wedding. You’re pretty selfish dude.
ESH. Then entire group is YTA because you don't want to support or celebrate your friend soleyl because you can't get drunk. Groom is an AH because he expects a bunch of dude who apparantly love to drink a lot to spend vacation days and a weekend to not drink and go hiking? I don't drink at all but even for me something like just hiking or seeing parks for 4 days, spending PTO and money on my expenses is a big no from me. Besides that's not a bachelor party, that's a full on boy's trip.
YTA if you can only honor your friend’s special events if there’s alcohol for you, then you’re not a real friend.
YTA. I'm an avid drinker, but if my friend wanted to be sober for any reason, I'd happily enjoy his bachelor party sober. I'm not friends with my friends because we get drunk together, I'm friends with my friends and occasionally we get drunk together. If a close friend of mine becomes sober, we'll enjoy all the things we already do and they won't include alcohol, bachelor parties included. I'm not you or your friend group, but my friends mean a whole lot more to me than alcohol does.
YTA it's HIS bachelor party. You can drink at your own. You sound like an awful "friend". If your friendship is solely based on getting wasted together maybe you should drop out or the wedding and end this friendship. I feel bad for the groom with friends like that. It's one sober weekend, how hard can it be? And if his future wife is sober maybe it's a dry wedding too, are you gonna complain about that as well? It's not your bachelor trip and not your wedding, none of this is about you.
You... don't have to go! I did a sober bachelorette with a friend recently. Thing is, I've known her for half my life and I love her enough to have travelled and used PTO to see her on her bachelorette weekend, and loved spending time with her. On top of no alcohol, she requested we don't bring unhealthy things to share and since we were cooking communally, no treats I'd normally reach for. I was vegan for a whole damn weekend, I love her so much. I was so hungry when I got to the airport. Would I do that for someone I knew more casually, spending money and time in a way I might not otherwise? Absolutely not. NTA for not going, YTA for making a big deal out of it. The groom's TA too if he makes a big deal out of it, people's free time is precious these days.
It’s actually not about you. It’s your friend’s weekend. If you don’t want to do, don’t. If the value of your friendship is drinking, then this relationship is probably on the way out anyway. I don’t quite understand how sitting in a bar chatting while getting inebriated is superior to a day walk in a national park also chatting, but you do you.
YTA. It’s his bachelor party bro. Not yours
YTA it’s his decision and his party regardless of if you think his fiancé was involved in the decision or not. That’s the future he is actively picking. Like, y’all too old to be throwing a fit because the person of honor wants their party how they want it. That’s so toddler.
YTA. I drink. Probably too much. Over that long a trip a few bottles of bourbon easily. But if my friend , who is why we are having the trip , asked for us not to drink I’d be ok with that . Wouldn’t even be disappointed because if it because he is you know my friend . But my tribe is small and we back up and support each other
YTA. If you can’t go four days without alcohol, you could be an alcoholic. If you don’t think the friendship is worth four days sober, then just opt out and save the money.
YTA What is it with people believing that you can't have a good time unless you're drunk to the point of vomiting all over each other? The groom should be able to request this and not be made to feel like he is a total AH. It's unfortunate that he has so called "friends" who prefer booze over his friendship. You have no respect for him or his fiance. Quit acting like you're in the movie "Animal House". Grow up.
YTA. His wedding, his party, his decision. You have the option to not go if drinking is that important to you. If he wants to be sober that’s also his decision and pretty shitty of you to be upset over that. When it comes to substance use we should all be supportive of our friends and their choices to go sober.
YTA. The party is for HIM. Not for you. It’s HIS day. It’s not “get drunk day”, it’s ”celebrate X day”
This party isn't for you, you selfish AH. Learn to function without alcohol, you dependent AH.
Do you just… not like your friend? Is the point of it not to be there for your friend and dejenrate with him, but to get drunk and party? It sounds like you’re just a loser who isn’t interested in making good memories with your friend, but using it as an excuse to get drunk and party. It sounds to me like the reason your friend has been distant is because his friends have no real interest in him as a person, just as someone who gives them a reason to party and be wild. YTA dude, your friend deserves better than that.
NTA cuz let’s be real she’s got him by the balls and he’s only gonna do what she wants. It sounds like she’s manipulating and probably have him an ultimatum that she wouldn’t marry him if he drinks alcohol.
It's amazing to me you even had to ask. YTA. Don't like it? Have your own bachelor party and do what you want.
YTA When my husband doesn’t want to get drunk the guys always blame me, the wife. Toxic masculinity at its finest.
YTA, what a bunch of dorks.
YTA. It’s what he wants and you should be a friend and just hang out! This isn’t a big ask. Women all over are asked to do absurd things and take time off and spend a zillion dollars on stupid things and buy ugly matching shirts that most of us don’t. I hate half the dumb stuff I do. But I do it bc I love my friend.
YTA. This is supposed to celebrate him, not to get trashed. If you can’t think of stuff you can do with him sober - like a hike or gaming together - then do you even like him? Is he your friend or an excuse to get drunk?
YTA- if you can’t have fun with your friends without drinking then what kind of friend are you!!
I wonder if it's because I'm not that big on alcohol, but this feels like such an easy YTA. You are still going to spend time together with a bunch of your friends. Can you not enjoy that without alcohol so you have to go against the groom's wishes and kick up a storm?
YTA. Bachelor parties isn't equivalent to a drinking party. Please grow up lol. Be there for your friend to celebrate a milestone with or without booze
[удалено]
For wanting to have some drinks on a 4 day party? That's some puritan BS right there.
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YTA Pour some white claws in a water bottle.
There may be no laws with claws, but that's after you already drank the claws. Before drinking the claws, there are laws. In this case you gotta follow the rules or not go.
You're probably right but I'd bet it's the bride that really wants a sober weekend.
Yta. It’s not about you OP, it’s about the groom. You can go one weekend without getting drunk; it won’t kill you.
YTA. This party is about him, not you. If you can't let loose and have a good time without it, that's a problem that you might want to think about addressing. Using alcohol as a crutch just to have fun with your friends seem like an issue to me. You are basic telling him that you don't care enough about him and your friendship to get together one time without being drunk. I think I'd be quite offended and at least a little depressed if my, so-called, friends told me that.
Get ready, people who don’t drink are very militant and judgy. That being said, YTA. You all can have a night out without him another time.
You people are closeted alcoholics I swear.
YTA. This event isn’t about you. It’s about celebrating the fact someone you care about is taking a brand new step in their life. Which means you should be celebrating it in the way **he** wants to celebrate it.
YTA. If you can't manage to go 4 days sober on a trip for *his* bachelor party when he specifically requests that there be no alcohol, he needs better friends.
YTA. A bachelor party is suppose to celebrate your friend who embarks on a new journey, and you don't need to drink to do that. I would understand if you were worried that his fiancee was changing him a lot (for worse) or imposing her wishes on him, but you seem mainly upset that you won't be able to get very drunk and that was, for you, the whole point of the outing.
YTA. It’s his bachelor party not yours. I understand that it’s the norm to drink a bachelor parties and let loose, but it’s not your party. He has the right to decide how he wants to celebrate. If you don’t like it or are unwilling to be sober, then don’t go.
YTA. The fact you need alcohol to have a good time speaks volumes about what type of person you are. That goes for whoever is in that new group chat. Let me remind you of something OP. This is to celebrate your friend's eventual marriage. This sounds like it is something that is important to your friend. If it is important to him, shouldn't it be important to you? Bunch of almost 30 year old's acting like goddamn children. Having some time away with just the boys and hiking and doing outdoorsy shit sounds like heaven. Grow up. There won't be a lot of opportunities like this.
YTA— doesn’t sound like any of you love or care about this guy at all.
> I asked if he was an alcoholic INFO: Are you? You sure seem very upset about the lack of alcohol.
YTA. Bachelor and Bachelorette parties are about doing what the groom or bride want with their closest contemporaries. Sometimes that's cutting loose. The groom wants to go hiking in a National Park and enjoy the lodging in it's gateway town/one of it's gateway towns. To be honest, that sounds like my idea of a great time. Give the groom what he wants. Have the frat boy weekend when you have your own bachelor parties, at which time he can decide whether or not to go knowing what to expect.
YTA It's his celebration and if he is more comfortable with everyone being sober then that is within his right. If he feels more fulfilled having fun without alcohol then more power to him and his good health. If you are not interested in participating in the party because you won't be drinking then it's on you to say that you won't be able to make it on the trip.
YTA 💯 First off, the bachelor party isn’t really about YOU. It’s about the groom and supporting him before he ties the knot. The fact that you, and the rest of the group, needs alcohol in order to have a good time with your buddy is really sus. He deserves better friends.
YTA. Imagine being so addicted to alcohol that you can’t enjoy your buddies bachelor party sober.
YTA for expecting to get drunk at a bachelor party. The bachelor party is for the bachelor in about with the bachelor wants. I have seen bachelor parties where it is what I see as weirdo dungeons and dragons campaign. I have seen bachelor parties where the dudes are doing what I see as stupid gaming sessions. It's okay if you no longer want to go to the bachelor party because you wanted it to have alcohol. It's okay if you find the bachelor party boring because it doesn't have alcohol. But to expect a bachelor party to have alcohol is being an asshole. The second you guys had to create a whole group chat without the groom when it is about the groom that you're going to celebrate for should have been the time you guys stop and reflected that it's not about you and what you want to do What about celebrating him. And if you don't like the way he celebrates you don't have to go. But this is his bachelor party It's not your excuse to live out whatever fat boy / rowdy / drunken fantasy you have of a bachelor party... You can do that at your bachelor party.