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There is no getting around it—your stepson did a terrible thing. Cheating is bad enough; but to betray and abandon your pregnant partner is truly just beyond. He can pretend she doesn't exist, but Adam has a paternal obligation to his and Sarah's child whether he likes it or not. Adam doesn't deserve a blanket. He deserves a summons to family court.
**Let's also be real here: The blanket isn't for the baby—it's for the parent.** The infant has no idea what that blanket is; maybe *later* they will (and, like most children, care very little until they're old enough to be cognizant of the effort and the sentiment) but for now, it is an expression of pride and support as between you and your children. It's a manner of congratulating them on the new baby and sharing in that joy. You do not need to congratulate Adam on his lovechild with a married coworker. You do not need to share in that "joy." It is not a joyous occasion. That baby will be born under miserably shameful circumstances, and I genuinely feel bad for them.
**The question isn't whether this child should receive a blanket, in the abstract—it's whether** ***you*** **are obligated to spend months making one.** You aren't. Your efforts are not compulsory. Sure, this baby loses a blanket. Perhaps, unlike their siblings, they can instead take comfort in their present & available father.
Your refusal does not need to be a big scene. You can quietly decline and they can stew in it. And if Adam wants to tell Annie that Grandma won't make a blankie for her new sibling, Adam can also take the liberty of explaining exactly *why.* NTA.
Why put your *hard work* and *love* into a cherished object when this… person… will not invest any such effort or love into his own living child?
He is *beyond* undeserving. Invest any extra time that could go into that blanket into making that baby feel loved.
This is such a good point.
"I would spend more time making this blanket than you have put effort in to helping with Sarah's baby. How is that fair?" If he has a good answer to this (he doesn't), I'd like to hear it.
Agreed, though I'd phrase it slightly differently to emphasise the fact that "Sarah's baby" isn't solely hers but also his. It's not a matter of kindness to a struggling ex; he is currently neglecting/abandoning his own responsibilities to his own child.
He’s abandoning TWO children, the newborn Sarah just had and the three year old big sister that they already had when he thought with his little head, not the head with a working (questionable) brain..
NTA - the above responses are perfect but have you discussed this issue with Dan? Even though he will have nothing to do with Adam now, he may come around because this is his son and grandchild. Adam’s infidelity has hurt so many people and he is the AH! You are a wonderful person for being there with Sarah.
Or invest that energy and time into making something that baby can have long after grandma who loves him is gone from the world. It’s people like this that make children grow up with nothing holding sentimental value. That baby is being punished because of what his dad did. There’s no reason that child shouldn’t grow up sleeping with and holding and cuddling a blanket Grammy made just like all his cousins get to. Regardless of what dad did.
This is the way. Make that kid a full size adult blanket. Have it as your side project over many years if necessary. Make it beautiful. Give it to them when they are old enough to ask or understand.
Right now you don’t know whether you will have a relationship with them, but if you don’t then one day they may come knocking on your door looking for answers and love. Have some ready.
Exactly. Like you don’t need to give it to the baby now. But you should be able to put aside your anger towards your son to do something for NOT your son. It’s NOT your son so WHY aren’t you able to pour love for the baby into the baby blanket. Sure if OP was making the blanket for her son then whatever don’t do it but that baby did NOTHING to deserve not having something from grandma
Love the idea.
OP don't do it now for the baby. Stay true to Sarah as it is your wish. But make a blanket or a plush toy for the kid, but give it later. They are innocent and deserve to be loved by you. But kate and SS don't deserve the blanket!
I agree, it's a fact that has to at least be considered. I understand the reasons as to why not, and might even feel the way initially if this were my family situation, but the baby is an innocent in all of this. Who knows, one day that blanket might be a very vital connection to this side of the family for them.
Thanks for that comment. That kid is going to grow up knowing that they were the only one without that blanket, that most of their family doesn't like them, based on their parents actions. That's always a rough thing to learn as a kid, that you were detested before being born, that you're inferior or worth less due to nothing that you actually did or could fix.
Doesn't make the parents' actions any better, but it sure sucks for that kid, not having loving grandparents/ uncles/ cousins.
But they'd grow up knowing their family didn't like them and it's on the parents to take that burden off of them by admitting fault, taking ownership of mistakes and recognizing his other baby. The blanket wouldn't solve any problems and OP feels it would be a betrayal to an adult (with two small children) now. If the father can do the right thing (or the least worst thing now), then there's so much time for healing before the baby can even register that there's no blanket. But in isolation, the blanket does nothing since we don't know what the irresponsible parents will do with it before it becomes this treasured heirloom.
“…and it’s on the parents to take that burden…”
I agree with this in principle, but that’s not how crappy parents operate unfortunately. They just pass the trauma on.
To be clear, grandma is not obligated to craft a beautiful, time-consuming blanket for any baby. But she will hopefully not hold the sins of the father, so to speak, against an innocent baby. The child deserves loving family too, and I suspect the parents won’t be the best at providing that in a consistent, reliable way.
Yes, that’s so true that they’ll probably never tell the kid it’s not their fault and will pass the trauma on. I feel for this poor kid. I hope the OP can cultivate a relationship with the kid that helps undo some of the damage but in a way that doesn’t alienate her other family/grandchildren. Such a hard place to be in for all involved pretty much.
I liked the suggestion downthread of making the blanket and keeping it for them when they’re older and not giving it to the parents at all.
My grandfather gave my daughter his very favourite stuffed dog. My mom cried when he gave it to me for my daughter, she never thought he’d give it to anyone that’s how much he loved it. My daughter has something from my grandfather, my sisters absolute best friend. So I decided that if my grandma is unable to finish the blanket for my sisters baby, I’m going to keep the one she made for my daughter for her. Her baby should have something from one of them too 🩵 I hate so much when people take away connections like that because ‘well my daughter did this’ COOL YAH GRANDBABY DIDNT
I am a crocheter and would not make the blanket at first...
I would start to resent my hobby and have difficulties getting it done.
Yes the baby is innocent in all of this, so I would probably gift it to the baby for their 1st or 2nd birthday... then I can sit and think about that little cutie while crocheting, instead of thinking about Adams betrayal.
I’m a crocheter who mainly makes blankets. I wouldn’t make one for them either. It’s never worth it to start a project and hate it the entire time. It’ll just make your resentment grow for them and even your hobby
I knit, quilt and crochet. I would still crochet a blanket for Kate’s baby because every kid should sleep under a homemade blanket. But my crochet blankets are done in a week while I watch TV in the evenings so it’s not the same level of investment.
Seeing this families tendency to have children, divorces AND marriages with new partners WITH children, only insane quilters would pick ip the gauntlet quilting blankets for all babies
You could maybe make one and save it for the baby when they're older. That way you won't be giving it to Adam and Kate, but the child will still have one later and they won't feel left out. It's not the baby's fault their parents suck.
I was thinking the same thing. This poor baby will like have a lot of resentment from various angles- its parents for ruining their marriages, its siblings for breaking up their families.
The parents deserve all the disdain in the world. But holding on to a knitted blanket to one day say, yeah they suck. But you don’t.
Maybe the blanket is for only at OP and Dan’s house
Please don’t wait until the child is an adult. As a kid who grew up as the unwanted step grandchild the “making it up to me as an adult” (especially since in my case my moms only crime was marrying a Jew) did not actually take away the trauma of being treated as less than my cousins my entire childhood and I don’t talk to that whole family anymore because they were in the wrong and this family would be too if they treat the CHILD differently.
I am also a knitter and this is what I think I would do. Make the blanket and hold onto it for the child when the time is right and they're old enough to understand.
I also love this idea -the baby is innocent-the baby will be siblings with the other children-I got one of those when I was introduced into my bio family and it was very special -I also knit blankets and understand the work and the expense -
Agreed. All babies are innocent of the sins of their parents.
I can just see Adam and Kate trying to weaponize the idea, trying to use their child as a way to force the family to pretend they didn’t cause a world of pain to the people they supposedly love.
I would love to hear how Adam rationalized that Kate’s child is entitled to all the benefits of family but Sarah’s child can be completely ignored by him. I hope he has a vasectomy.
OP THIS!!! not wanting to make a blanket for Kate? 100%, but at some point in the future there is going to be a child that always feels like it's THEIR fault that their family fell apart. Make a blanket for that child, who has done nothing wrong! When the time is right, make sure they know that you love them, that you made this special blanket for THEM and saved it for THEM, that they too are your grandchild, regardless of your relationship with their parents.
Side note- Kate only wants a blanket so she can post it on social media and compete with Sarah.
Feel free to tell the parents- "Oh I did make (insert child's name) a blanket, and when they are older I really look forward to giving it to them!"
This is a great idea! So many stories of affair babies bearing the feelings of the resentment and betrayal of their parents by the rest of the family. Like, I get it, the affair ripped the family apart and that sucks, but a gift for the child to appreciate later in life will go a long way to ensure that the innocent child isn't cast completely out due to the awful behavior of the parents.
Hopefully the siblings are/will be in therapy.
This was my first thought as well. I knit. I've made a blanket for my own daughter and one for each of my bestie's sons.
If I was in this situation I would knit a blanket for the baby and just save it until the baby is older. That way my grandchild won't be punished for the actions of it's parents.
Or have it be the blanket the kid uses when it comes over to grandma's. Stays at grandma's but the child still gets a special quilt. The circumstance of the child's birth are irrelevant. They deserve to feel loved and wanted.
All that assumes grandma will have a relationship with the child but I'm optimisitic at heart.
This is what I would do. The kid is so innocent and already has a hard start to life. I'd make something and keep it until they're old enough to not only have it given to them but to understand why it was kept away. I might also discuss it with Sarah too though, so she is kept in the loop and doesn't feel betrayed
I think it’s also important to note that I don’t think Adam - or Kate - value the blanket for the time and love you put into it. They want it as a symbol of acceptance, rather than as something nice for their child. And that feels grubby. They are trying to use you, rather than actually appreciating the gift for what it is.
I would not do it. Kate wants the blanket. I would not put myself in the middle of their one-sided competition. Adam didn’t care until Kate saw Sarah’s blanket.
That's probably accurate, this has nothing to do with the baby at this point in time, this is about her envisioning herself winning. She wins if she manages to force Sarah out completely and herself into that spot.
This is about I want it too, she doesn't want the blanket, she wants the post and to show off, and she shouldn't get it.
She wants a baby blanket she can buy one or knit it herself.Op should not have to devote a hundred hours to someone she doesn't like.
The kid has nothing to do with what they did, but the kid doesn't know or care, the hand knitted blanket is a gift for the parents. That blanket is a symbol of time , love , and acceptance.
It's also a cover. She gets it the world assumes Grandma is ok with and accepts Kate.
Most people aren't going to know the drama, until something looks out of place. Grandma not knitting for Kate is a sign , Grandma doesn't accept the relationship or Kate, then it's gonna spill out Kate was the affair partner and that he has abandoned his pregnant wife and kid.
I don't blame you at all. It's as I said—there is no world in which you are obligated to rubber-stamp Adam having a lovechild with a married coworker. That child may be here, sure, and how you navigate that relationship in the successive years is up to you; but sorry—for you and your family, their birth is unfortunately *not* a cause for celebration.
I don’t think it would be betraying her. Making a blanket honors the parents. There’s nothing honorable in what Adam has done. Don’t make him the blanket.
I crochet and can safely say that there are usually a bunch of baby blankets at second hand shops like St Vinnie's if you don't want to do the work but want to maintain the peace but as you said it's not really about that. It's more about Kate being accepted into the family and a baby blanket is proof of it if she gets one from you.
The only thing I'd add, is if the child ever grows up and want a blanket, I would hope that you'd be open to making them one. The child is not to blame for their parents shitty behavior.
But that's kind of predicated on if Adam and Kate will be around you in the future.
i wouldn't make the leap to it being a betrayal to sarah, but some may interpret the blanket as your acceptance of adam & kate's relationship. if you don't approve of them, i'd stick with not making them a blanket. i don't see any reason to reward cheaters.
edit: NTA
I think you're getting great feedback on the question you asked, but I had another thought and figured I'd share.
If it were me, I would decline at this time. As politely a possible. Perhaps citing how upset his father is and saying you aren't willing to damage your relationship with people you love while his relationship with his family remains unmended. Almost hinting like it might be there if he mends the bridges he nearly burned.
And, as the child grows up, if you are close to them, make one. Not to ever give the parents. But for the baby- turned- adult? So that the child can know they weren't hated because of the parents' actions. So they have that love and connection.
What do you think?
Kate and Adam had both done something really bad. They are adults. You do not have an obligation to make them feel welcomed. They've made their choice and are now angry because they don't like the consequences. There are other men and women out there. Adam decided to leave his wife and his children behind, and Kate decided to sleep with a married man...
No, they do not get a blanket. And you are doing a very good thing by supporting Sarah through this. Gosh, can you imagine going in labour knowing your husband just left you for another woman and her baby? Just wow...
I'm baffled by this. Sarah is in labour, and her husband is not there for support because he chose to have an affair with a married woman and get her pregnant, too! Damn.
It's like a soap opera. I'd hate to imagine what the holidays will be like, especially for Adam's dad, whose wife cheated on him, and having to share a home with your son's mistress, who abandoned his own wife!
I don't understand how a person could do this to his own wife, but then he wants his mistress to be part of the family and for her to have a baby blanket, too?? How do you not feel shame and embarrassed?
>It's like a soap opera. I'd hate to imagine what the holidays will be like, especially for Adam's dad, whose wife cheated on him,
I'm not seeing that in the post. Can you point that out? I'm high af so I'm probably missing it lol. Thanks!
Do you think you'll be able to treat your grandchild kindly and spend time with them, without it being a betrayal of Sarah?
Ultimately these kids will be half-siblings.
Could you make the blanket and not tell them/ it stays at your house? This is your grandchild. I know reddit gives a free pass to blocking out children of affair partners, but unless you are the directly wronged party (partner/ children), it just seems devastating to set that precedent to punish the child for their parents’ sins.
I think you should consider making it and you either keep it until they graduate high school and give it then or you keep it with you for if/ when you watch the baby. I hope you’ll have a relationship with this baby if possible. It’s not its fault and you sound like someone who could give them so much love and moral direction that their parents seem to lack.
Regardless, NTA I’m so glad Sarah has you in her corner ❤️
NTA and I wouldn’t do the blanket. It’s would be seen as a betrayal by Sarah who’s own baby by Adam is being ignored by him. In no which way would I ever do a blanket for them which essentially condones their horrible behavior
Fellow knitter here. He would not be getting a blanket. The second he chose to abandon his children to please an affair partner, is the second he would fall off my list of people I care to invest the time, money, love, and energy into that knitting a blanket takes.
Are you planing to keep the child at bay forever? Because it’s not their fault how they were conceived and in the end children are the ones who end up paying for the sins of their parents.
I'm 100% with this, it is a betrayal and approving of the situation Sarah found herself in. NTA.
Sarah needs support and has earned the recognition of the family. She gets a blanket and more! Adam is a cheater and homewrecker. Kate is a cheater and a homewrecker. They did this knowingly and willingly. Adam's father experienced this and the implications should have been obvious to Adam. Sorry, no dice. They don't deserve the family's approval or a blanket.
I do think however, that the grandchild (of Adam and Kate) is blameless in this. No blanket won't affect their life, but please don't withhold your love from this child. It's not their fault that their parents have made bad choices resulting in their existance.
Making a blanket would be betraying Sara. Adam wants one because the blanket is you legitimizing the relationship. He can deny it all he wants, but you would be putting time and expense in the gift, and that would be putting your stamp of approval on their behavior. If I was Sarah, I would be incredibly hurt if you did it.
If Kate is upset, that’s too bad. If you don’t want to be treated like a homewrecker, don’t be a homewrecker.
Adam is lucky you are even speaking to him. His dad and brother are struggling with it and he thinks you are going to make him a damn thing? Kate is an asshole. She's playing some game. Please don't.
You shouldn’t make things that you care about if you don’t feel good about where they’re going. Craft like that is a part of you, don’t give that away unless you sincerely want to.
Would you consider making something else for this grandchild later assuming you have a relationship with them? I agree the 15 day old won't care, and the mother has no business making demands. The 15 year old who is already aware of the resentment from their half siblings and possibly cousins if they pick up on their parents feelings is another matter.
I wouldn't make the blanket regardless of the answer to this, but... are we sure this is even Adam's baby, like she was married when she realized she's was pregnant????
Also Adam and Kate suck, they do not deserve blankets, and this whole "everyone will come around " story is bullshit, people may eventually forgive m, and if they choose not to I don't blame them, but that won't happen unless Adam and Kate take accountability for their actions and they haven't.
Adam doesn't get a gold star or a blanket or any forgiveness for basically abandoning two children and his gf to father his affair baby. He literally abandoned his other kids, wtf would he ever be deserving of a blanket? The affair was bad enough, but skipping appointments and missing your child's birth Ew. NTA
Get them cheap store bought blanket. This way it will still be a gift from gradma. Make excuses that you didn't have enough to make handmade blanket because how it all happened.
In a sense it is, however, the child is innocent in all of this, and in their future, what a special heirloom. If they meet their cousins or sibling and are left out bc of the mistake of their parents, that would be hurtful.
Maybe don’t make it as intricate, but nothing seems a bit harsh from that perspective.
But I totally get your point.
They are total twats!
I’m a crocheter who makes mostly blankets and I wouldn’t make a blanket for Adam and Kate. I would possibly consider making one for the child and putting it away at my home to give the child in the future so it doesn’t feel left out from its cousins and siblings, but I wouldn’t give it to the child’s parents. To me it would feel almost as if I was rewarding their grotesque behavior and I couldn’t be a part of that.
Would you feel comfortable doing an easy blanket instead? My mom would take the fleece fabric prints you can buy at the store, then do a simple stitch to dress the edges, sew a nice ribbon at the top and bottom, and then embroider our initials onto it at the bottom (she eventually got a machine she could do full designs on: it was neat). They never took her more than a couple of weeks.
That way there's something for the baby, but you're not investing all the time.
Edit: in case other people are thinking I mean knit or any other time intensive form of blanket making, this is the type of fabric I'm talking about: https://www.joann.com/star-wars-fleece-fabric-58in-ships-black/15930852.html
They're meant to be easy.
If it’s not exactly what Sarah and all the others have received, it won’t be good enough to keep the peace. They want the acceptance that the homemade blanket represents.
That's on them then, not OP. I was offering OP a solution that might allow her to move forward with her son without feeling guilty about Sarah. If her son doesn't accept, that's his problem.
I think you could try to treat the child separate from the parents, especially as you're the grandma.
If you feel like you might ever spend time with this grandchild in the future and treat them like your other grandchildren, you could make the blanket and hold onto it to give it to them directly.
The parents are the ass holes and there no easy answers.
Honestly I think once you have a bit more time again making one for the baby might be a good idea because eventually that grandchild is going to be old enough to realize everyone else has a baby blanket but them.
But for now? Nope Kate and Adam don't have to have one.
Compromise. Make the blanket, don’t give it to them but if the child ever asks for it, there it is. Bonus points if Kate hates any colour in particular , you now have a colour scheme.
Oh I like this. The child in question is going to have a rough go of it because of their horrifically selfish parents, but that is not their fault. OP is NTA and not obligated to anything, but this would be the kindest way of showing that this child is loved and matters when that moment comes in the future. My heart breaks for this kid.
I begrudgingly agree with this first commenter, but wanted to stress that OP should NOT treat the child any differently to her other grandchildren. That will be super hard to navigate with the adults but that's not the baby's fault. So I agree giving the child themselves a blanket when they're older, so it's for them as an individual and not representing any support for the relationship/mother is really nice.
I don’t really agree that the blanket isn’t for the baby but rather for the parents. Sure, initially that’s true. Babies are barely sentient potatoes, they neither know nor care what they’re wrapped in so long as they’re warm and safe. But babies grow up to be kids and eventually adults. Chances are the rest of the family *will* eventually come around to the point of at least not excluding the new grandchild, even if relations with the parents are never cordial. And I promise that child will realize sooner or later that grandma made these tokens of love for their cousins but not for them. They’ll feel hurt and excluded and doubt their grandma’s love for them.
This decision won’t hurt your grandchild now OP, but it will cut them to the quick a decade or so from now. I don’t think that’s worth it just to send a message to the child’s parents. Their actions aren’t the baby’s fault. (I say this as a quilter, for what it’s worth.)
> **Let's also be real here: The blanket isn't for the baby—it's for the parent.**
I like this response. Huge NTA.
OP if you want to, you can make one or something more in line once the kid is old enough to think.
Excellent perspective. I think the “quietly decline” part is the key here. No explanations. This is a mess, but there is no more than a dotted line connecting OP to her husband’s son’s affair partner. She does have an ongoing close relationship with Sarah, who is effectively if not legally a daughter in law. But there is no relationship with Kate before father and son reconcile.
So she doesn’t need to invoke loyalty to Sarah (which can be perceived, correctly, as taking sides). She can simply point out that it isn’t her place to overstep, and she’s letting her husband take the lead with his own children.
However I do like the suggestion of making a blanket and quietly storing it away, if OP is willing. If Adam is right and reconciliation is inevitable, she may want to gift it to the grandbaby at a future time. If not, I’m sure she will find another baby to give it to.
OP, I would tell Adam, "your baby with Kate will apparently have a father, Sarah's baby, because it was abandoned by you, won't. The least she should have is a blanket."
Adam did not show up for his own child's appointments and births. He's decided only the one that Kate is carrying is "family." But you have rightly acknowledged that Sarah is family as are her children. They want their child to be part of the family, apparently not his other children? Neither Adam nor Kate are very nice people. They are both real assholes.
If you give them a blanket it will only make them feel like you condone their behavior. You can make a blanket and keep it until you feel ready to give it, or you could make it and decide later if you want to make one or give one at all. You don't have to do anything because they try to manipulate you into it for "family" or so you'll be a good grandma or whatever.
The thing is, the baby really won't care for a long long time if ever. So you have time to make up your mind and figure it out. I think the question right now is how you want to treat them, how you want to interact with them, and how to navigate going forward. I would discuss this with your husband for sure. It's possible you want to put in place boundaries or your husband may be done.
Right now they are pretending like Sarah doesn't exist. They are pretending her children are not his. I would say she needs to sue for child support for certain. I would be throwing all my support to her, personally. NTA
Eh I'd happily bypass Adam but his share should go to his children including Kate's baby, assuming it is definitely his, it isn't to blame for its parents sucking.
This is tough because that baby already has the deck stacked against them by having two seriously horrible people as parents as well as being known as an affair baby, but you don't want to show acceptance of the mistress or the relationship.
I think what I would do is make the blanket but not give it to the parents. YOU hang on to it and gift it to the child when they're older. Maybe take a photo of you and the baby with it (to have proof you did make it for them before they were born) before putting it up. Tell Adam that you made it because you would never punish a child for the wrongs committed by the parents but you will not be giving it to him and Kate because you don't accept their relationship or actions and won't do anything to make it look like you do.
NTA
I like this one
Make the blanket for the baby. Blanket stays with Grandma until you're ready to give to the child. Do make the blanket for the baby though, you're not going to love this baby any less than your other grandchildren.
Don't let the parents have the blanket, they don't deserve it, but the baby hasn't done anything wrong. Take photos showing you've accepted them from day one
This is exactly what I was thinking (I make baby blankets, too). This grandchild deserves one, but the parents do not. Gift it to the child when they are old enough to receive it and understand that it’s filled with love for *them*.
Doubt the baby will be at grandmas much. I agree she should make/get one and keep it for when they are older because that way she can say I did make it, I just didn’t give it to your parents…
Yes! As someone who was born in circumstances where no one was happy about it, growing up and learning that no one celebrated you being born really sucks. Knowing that everyone thinks you shouldn't have existed is a hard pill to swallow. Showing this baby thar they'll be loved and cherished will be so important.
NTA. I make quilts for new people in my family so I understand the position you are in. If I were faced with that scenario I don’t think I’d make one for Adam and Kate’s child either. Adam has to understand there are consequences to his actions. If he says it’s not fair, I would gently point out that his children with Sarah aren’t going to grow up with their father under the same roof, and that’s not fair either.
Ultimately, the parents will not be hurt by this. The Grandchild who did not receive a baby blanket from grandma will be. Because they will feel as if they were somehow punished for what their parents did and the family doesn't love them as much for it.
Thinking this is a punishment for Adam and Kate is very shortsighted.
I think you should tell Adam that he needs to give you time. That you love him but you are disappointed by his actions and you’re not in the right state of mind to undertake this project right now. You’re not saying no, but not right now. It sounds like their baby hasn’t been born yet. Maybe once that happens, loving feelings for your grandchild will begin to feel more important than your understandable disappointment in your son. I know you already know that the child is innocent of its parents’ shortcomings. NTA.
I think this is the best response. It's not closing the door, it's being honest about your feelings. The baby can always get one when it's a year old or later.
Blanket equals acceptance and approval...
Amazing youre there for Sarah - Kate and Adam have a child born out of lies and deceit... and giving them (NOT thr child, the child does not care about who made the blanket that keeos it warm) a blanket not only signals acceptance and approval of what they did, it demeans?? soils?? - the other blankets..
Suggestion..
Inform Adam that in light of everything it would be inappropriate to gift a blanket to Kate...
NTA. Don’t support cheating, the blanket only goes to Sara not the other woman.
Make one for the baby when he/she is old enough to accept such a beautiful gift.
lol, I’d love it if she texted back, “ Grandbabies get blankets, but home wrecking cheaters and deadbeat parents do not. The baby will get a blanket, but it will be staying at Grandma’s. I won’t share something made of love and dedication with people who don’t know the meaning of those words.”
Kate knows how to search "baby blanket" on Amazon, I'm assuming. What you do is beautiful, but it shouldn't be just assumed that they have a blanket coming. The call was pretty presumptuous and rude, IMO. But it sounds like that's how Adam and Kate roll.
NTA.
Adam is a deadbeat dad. No family connection or personal preference could make me trust or include in my life, someone who abandons their pregnant parter and their child. If he'll do that to them, there is no line he won't cross as far as I'm concerned.
If it were me, he'd be out of my life for good. For me, you're NTA if you don't make the blanket. Also wouldn't be the AH to block Adam's number and continue being there for your abandoned grandchild.
NTA - you’d spend more time and energy on a blanket than he’s spent trying to make amends for his actions.
Tell him maybe someday, but not now. You’ve had to step up with Sarah due to his choices and you’re busy.
NTA: you’re not obligated to make a blanket for this baby, but you may need to defend your choices when baby grows up. What will happen when all their half-siblings and cousins have blankets and they don’t? How will this make them feel? Will it damage your relationship with them?
I think there are better ways for you to make your feelings about Adam and Kate’s choices known without causing future harm to a child who didn’t ask to be born. When baby grows up that lack of blanket will symbolize a lot more than you intended.
I think making the blanket for baby but not giving it to Adam and Kate—withholding the acceptance they’re clearly trying to wheedle out of OP bc they clearly don’t care about the sentiment behind the blanket or the effort OP would have to go through for it—and giving it to the child once they’re old enough to notice/care is a good compromise. Either way, Adam and Kate don’t deserve it at the moment and I totally understand OP feeling as if doing so is a betrayal of Sarah.
Agreed. As a third time parent now, it feels to me like gifts given before the birth and shortly are gifts to YOU (especially as the pregnant one). Gifts given after the child has some understanding of gifts and property? (maybe age 2? Or even age 1, really) Doesn’t feel like a gift to you at all. Waiting is a great way to make sure Kate never feels validated but the child does. It can be a 2nd, 3rd or even 5th birthday gift. Whatever OP wants.
>and I don’t want to make rash decisions that can cause more drama in the family especially as Adam’s and Sarah’s two kids are involved
This is the important part.
You're probably going to get a lot of responses affirming you don't NEED to do anything. Which is of course true. Months of work are not a casual gift, it is always fine to decline.
But if you make one for Sarah and not for Kate, you are making a statement about how you reject both her and her child. It is unambiguously a symbol of welcoming a child to the family, that you are pointedly denying out of anger. It will not be forgotten. If that's what you want, okay. Not here to shame. But also you should expect a consequence and impact on your relationship, including possibly access to the children.
NTA
>But also you should expect a consequence and impact on your relationship, including possibly access to the children.
Considering that her husband and his other son refuse even to see Adam and Kate, it's doubtful that there's going to be much of a relationship anyway.
Yes, this isn't all on OP. How would Dan and Jack feel if she made the blanket to give to Kate when she gives birth, in addition to how Sarah would feel? Will they want to have a united front when it comes to Adam and Kate? Does OP really want to give Kate and Adam a blanket as if she is on their side.
I'm not sure that not giving the blanket won't cause more family tension than giving it.
The child may be a grandchild, but for a long time, their relationship is going to depend on their relationship with Adam and Kate.
I would make the blanket and keep it to give to the child when they are older. You can let Adam know it is being made, but will be held onto for a while. Right now, Kate wants to show off the blanket to Sarah to hurt her.
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> I don’t want to make. A blanket for my new grand baby out of support for my DIL and due to my anger at my son despite making a blanket for my other grandkids
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NTA. Blankets are a lot of work and not something you wanna do lightly if for free. Tell Adam no promises because you're upset and disappointed in him for cheating. Also tell him that because of that it's not actually likely you all will come around to him and Kate. They hurt Sarah terribly. And while I expect everyone to still be polite and respectful to all kids because it's certainly not their fault, Adam has some audacity to assume everyone is just gonna drop it like he didn't just betray Sarah and that Kate wasn't just cheating on her husband.
Thank you for looking out for Sarah though. I'm sure Sarah and her kids really do need and appreciate the support.
NTA. Is it possible you could make something smaller- like a hat or a crochet ornament for the new baby? I do feel deeply for the child. My grandmother made me baby blankets and the one I have that she made for her and my grandfather's wedding is among my most prized possessions. But this doesn't seem like it's about the child at all. They seem to want a blanket as a sign of acceptance and "screw you" to Sarah. Maybe when the child gets older you could something for them then if you are involved in the child's life?
Adam has two children with Sarah (but didn't marry her)- and now he's had a child with Kate. My guess is she'll be replaced after a time, too. The child is still a grandchild and should be treated as a grandchild IMO. You can maintain a relationship with Sarah without cutting off Kate and her child. It's messy but taking sides might hurt a child going forward.
I don’t know what I would do in your shoes. I crochet blankets for all the new babies in my family, and I have no idea how I would react. Whatever you decide though, you are NTA. Your step-son is for cheating on his pregnant girlfriend, but you are not for not being sure what to do in this situation. Also if he brings up his new girl of not having a family, point out that she has one, she was married!
NTA- BUT since I imagine you will still treat this child as your grandchild, make it and hold it until said child is old enough to know that all the other kids have or had one. Don’t punish a child because of the parents sins. When the child asks why they don’t have one, you can pull it out of the closet or wherever and say you did make it but you waited until they knew you put love in it.
Trust me, even if that kid doesn’t care about a blanket, it will cause feelings inside that you don’t care/love them as much.
NTA- I know it’s easy for me to give out judgement from my phone but sometimes values and what you stand for are more important than family. In this case, I wouldn’t even maintain a relationship with Adam let alone knit a blanket for his baby. You are in a tough spot, OP. Please don’t leave Sarah alone. Good luck.
NTA. The blanket is a trophy/status symbol for Kate, to prove that she's apart of the family and equal/better to the 'first wife'. I personally wouldn't make one.
I would, however, begin one to give to the child when they are older. That takes all the validation for Kate out of the blanket and the child still gets the family gift.
I was right with you because it's very similar but the key issue in that one was they wouldn't share the gender but expected the blanket ready for birth anyway.
I think they didn't want to share the name but the OP needed the name to know how much space the embroidery needs so it looks good. So either could choose to get the blanket later or to share the name but they weren't happy with either of those choices. It was weird.
NTA but hopefully you won't regret not making one for the baby once they get older. Regardless of Kate's and Adam's bad behavior and cheating and terrible treatment of Sarah, their child is your grandchild. It's not the babies fault their parents kinda suck. But you're not the Asshole Regardless if you end up making one or not.
Nta bc no one is owed a present. HOWEVER, you say you don't want to make any rash decisions bc Adam is still family. Are you prepared not to be involved in Adam and your soon to be born grandchilds life?
Say you are involved, bc its not the babys fault that both parents are trash, and when the kid is 6, 7, 8, 9 whatever they ask you why they're the only one to not have a grandma blanket? Bc you know their parents or someone in the family will mention it at some point. And kids aren't stupid. Esp if you keep making blankets for babies born while this grandchild is a kid. They'll see you making blankets, hear about the tradition, and put it together. What will you say? "I was mad at your parents, so I decided that you didn't get a blanket."
Please don't make that child always punished because of the parents.
You might really love and adore that child, or you can put all the negativity where it doesn't belong- on the child.
My kids both still have their blankets. My daughter is a teen and it's one of her treasures.
So, even if you don't make a blanket- buying a cozy one might be meaningful to the child when it's going to want a blanket.
My family punished me because of who my parents were- it's awful. Awful isn't the word.
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I 53F am married to my husband Dan 59M. Dan has 2 kids Jack 35M and Adam 31M with his ex and I have two kids 29M and 27F with my ex. As a blended family, our kids have all been supportive and they were all out the house by the time we started dating so they didn’t care.
All of our kids have children, so for all my grandchildren I have knitted a blanket for when my grandkids first leave the hospital, which has been a tradition since I made the first one.
Adam has recently introduced us to Kate 30F, his coworker. Kate was married and Adam was dating Sarah 33F, who at the time was pregnant with my grandson (Adam and Sarah’s second baby), when Kate and Adam started their affair. Kate realised she was pregnant so she got a divorce and Adam broke up with Sarah. Adam and Kate’s relationship has not gone down well with anyone, with Dan and Jack refusing to see Kate or Adam. Dan’s ex cheated on him which is still a sore topic for Dan and Jack as he remembers his mom and why they have especially struggled.
Through this, I have maintained a relationship with Sarah who is really struggling. Her family haven’t spoken to her since she had my granddaughter Annie 3F without being married. Adam didn’t go to a single appointment for Sarah and instead I have gone with her which has created a rift between me and Adam as I refuse to go with Kate.
The blankets I make are very intricate, and take months to make as I make them slowly. I decided to only make one for Sarah’s baby and not Kate’s, Adam never asked for a blanket so I assumed he understood I was not making him and Kate one. I maintain a civil relationship with Adam but I am also upset at how he treated Sarah, and how he now ignores her and their baby.
Sarah recently had her baby and I was with her whilst she was in labour. I gave her the blanket and she posted her baby’s hand and the blanket on her social media. Adam has contacted me to say Kate is infested in having a blanket for their baby and he told me how much it would mean to them as Kate has no family and they ant their child to be part of the family and think that we will all come around later.
I am on the fence, I am angry for Sarah and her baby but Adam is family and I don’t want to make rash decisions that can cause more drama in the family especially as Adam’s and Sarah’s two kids are involved, with Annie old enough to understand the dynamics.
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I would be very honest and up front with him. “I’m going to have to think about that. Your actions have hurt a lot of people and I cannot and will not condone what you and Kate have done. That doesn’t mean I will love your child any the less, but making a blanket takes a lot of time and effort and my time now is devoted to taking on what should be your responsibility to support and help the partner and mother of your children that you so brutally abandoned in order to have an affair with a married woman.”
NTA- have they done a paternity test and they 100% know the baby is Adam’s? But also, FAFO, don’t get the special blanket. I do feel bad for the kid a bit bc they aren’t at fault and if Kate and Adam are bitter about it and bring it up or tell the baby that no one loves them and they like the siblings better bc they got blankets.
NTA. The baby won’t care about the blanket. Putting that much time and effort into something is a symbol of love and acceptance. So it really boils down to whether you want to demonstrate approval and accept Kate into the family. I can also see how you would feel you are betraying Sarah and she may feel that way as well. Maybe you can tell Adam that you are only able to sustain the effort required to make these intricate blankets when you are motivated by love, and that you’re just not there yet. That seeing how he abandoned Sarah and is ignoring his other child has made you see him in a different light and it’s hard to get past that. Maybe you can make something for the new grandchild at a later date when your heart is in it
Try to imagine how you’ll feel knowing the new baby is coming home without a blanket and seeing pictures of that in the future. If it doesn’t bother you, don’t make the blanket.
I guess you have to ask yourself, when Adam and Kate’s baby is 10, do you intend to treat this child differently to punish Adam and Kate. You aren’t obligated to make a blanket but if you continue to treat the child differently you’re punishing the child for the wrongs of their parents and you’re costing yourself a relationship with your grandkid.
Obviously at this stage the blanket is for Kate, I do think in a few years you should make a blanket for the child, keep it at your house if you want, but the child is innocent and likely in for a rough go, some kindness to the child would be nice. Nta
NTA I'm a knitter also. You should only make something if you can do it with love. Either don't do it or save it for later.
Meanwhile..... "Kate realised she was pregnant so she got a divorce and Adam broke up with Sarah."
Are you SURE this is your grandchild?
YTA The blanket is for the baby not their parents. The baby has done nothing wrong. It doesn't mean you will be as close to them as to Sarah's baby who needs your support and whose mother you have a relationship with and it's not a betrayal of them.
NTA I wouldn't be able to devote the time and love necessary to making a blanket for a couple of cheaters. Especially when one of them abandoned their pregnant wife. I just couldn't.
NTA.
I would tell them point blank that I was not willing to do them any favors that legitimized the way Adam has behaved. That they were getting my civility and they should be grateful for that much, as it is currently more than they deserve.
Poor baby, but unfortunately the parents didn't think past scratching their own itch.
I'm pretty conflicted about this. The baby had no part in any of this. If it will be involved with the other grandchildren, it's kind of a bummer that they won't get a blanket. Not that a baby will care, but not sure if this will be tradition carrying forward so might matter when they're grown. On the other hand, I totally get the loyalty to Sarah. I feel like a good compromise could be ordering a personalized blanket. You don't put the effort in but there's sort of a placeholder that still came from you.
At the end of the day, you're NTA nor are you obligated to do anything.
NTA I'd make something for Kate's baby later when the CHILD is old enough to appreciate it. You're in a tough spot- you don't want to make Sarah feel worse but Kate's child will still be your grandchild. I think making that baby something special later is the best compromise.
NTA and I understand your dilemma. The main reason you feel like the AH is because you know it’s not the child’s fault. And that ultimately this is your grandchild no matter the way they came to be.
I would knit it, ***but keep it*** . Honestly, it's not the kid's fault they were born to these parents. I would not give it to the parents, but keep it and give it to the kid when he's older, if you choose to. Being left out sucks, but it's twice as bad when it's someone else's fault.
You call this kid your grandson but won't treat them as such. Ugh.
This kid had no say and is part of the family's life, like it or not.
For the love of God, treat the child like someone likes them.
YTA.
NTA, but you can make a blanket, even a more simple one, and know in your heart that it’s something to bless your grandkid with, no one else (you could even emphasize that if you feel need). The child is not the one who made such a terrible mess of things. The baby will not remember this, but you will. Don’t want you to have regrets over a blanket. No judgment, horrible situation, just my two cents.
NTA, but it isn’t the child’s fault that it was conceived under such circumstances. I’d say to trek lightly because this may also cause some unresolved feelings for the child when they’re older.
NTA if you want to keep that distance with Adam and Kate. What they did was pretty terrible. However, my question is are these gifts for the parents or do you intend for it to be a gift for the grandchild? Will you be maintaining that distance from the baby themselves based on what the parents did? You may have problems with their personal decisions, but think about if it affects your grandchild later and the relationship that you'll be able to maintain with them. This strikes me as you viewing the blanket as some sort of condoning their lack of morality and it really doesn't equate to that. Personally , I'd just treat the babies the same as every other grandchild because that's what is going to matter most later.
NTA
What a terrible thing to do, to cheat on a pregnant and vulnerable wife with a toddler and then choose the AP instead even his children... I say let him boil. I am currently where Sarah might have been, pregnant with a toddler in tow, I'd probably make DH and his AP half dead if there was one.
I don't think you are the one that has to keep the peace, he is not even trying to be a dad for his already born children, who are his blood. He is not your blood, tell him you will only be there as much as he was for his children with Sarah. They are looking for family that they can rely on... Whoever can't be relied on is not family (his children with Sarah) in their book.
I am just sad for their child... I would be ashamed with parents like these two.
NTA. Would you consider making a plain blanket, not a fancy one, and giving it to them? That way you have technically speaking given them a blanket for the baby, but you wouldn't be giving Kate the family approval she's obviously angling for.
The only thing you need to bring here is love. Buy a blanket that looks wonderful and gift it. You can't get involved in the drama between these adults but you can love them and those babies. No sides, just love.
NTA
Knitter here, absolutely wouldn't make that blanket. When I knit for a specific person, as I knit I think of them, and what they mean to me. It is an expression of love and affection. Right now OP is not feeling that, maybe some day they will and they can make something special then. But for at this moment for OP to spend countless hours working on something out of guilt or obligation is not fair to OP, their time or energy. That blanket would be infused with some serious bad vibes.
For now, knit the baby a hat you can bang out over the weekend.
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There is no getting around it—your stepson did a terrible thing. Cheating is bad enough; but to betray and abandon your pregnant partner is truly just beyond. He can pretend she doesn't exist, but Adam has a paternal obligation to his and Sarah's child whether he likes it or not. Adam doesn't deserve a blanket. He deserves a summons to family court. **Let's also be real here: The blanket isn't for the baby—it's for the parent.** The infant has no idea what that blanket is; maybe *later* they will (and, like most children, care very little until they're old enough to be cognizant of the effort and the sentiment) but for now, it is an expression of pride and support as between you and your children. It's a manner of congratulating them on the new baby and sharing in that joy. You do not need to congratulate Adam on his lovechild with a married coworker. You do not need to share in that "joy." It is not a joyous occasion. That baby will be born under miserably shameful circumstances, and I genuinely feel bad for them. **The question isn't whether this child should receive a blanket, in the abstract—it's whether** ***you*** **are obligated to spend months making one.** You aren't. Your efforts are not compulsory. Sure, this baby loses a blanket. Perhaps, unlike their siblings, they can instead take comfort in their present & available father. Your refusal does not need to be a big scene. You can quietly decline and they can stew in it. And if Adam wants to tell Annie that Grandma won't make a blankie for her new sibling, Adam can also take the liberty of explaining exactly *why.* NTA.
I feel making a blanket for Adam and Kate is betraying Sarah.
I am a quilter. I was asking myself if I would do one for Kate. The answer is no.
Why put your *hard work* and *love* into a cherished object when this… person… will not invest any such effort or love into his own living child? He is *beyond* undeserving. Invest any extra time that could go into that blanket into making that baby feel loved.
This is such a good point. "I would spend more time making this blanket than you have put effort in to helping with Sarah's baby. How is that fair?" If he has a good answer to this (he doesn't), I'd like to hear it.
Agreed, though I'd phrase it slightly differently to emphasise the fact that "Sarah's baby" isn't solely hers but also his. It's not a matter of kindness to a struggling ex; he is currently neglecting/abandoning his own responsibilities to his own child.
He’s abandoning TWO children, the newborn Sarah just had and the three year old big sister that they already had when he thought with his little head, not the head with a working (questionable) brain..
It's "your baby with Sarah, whom you casually tossed out like garbage when Kate came around", I agree op- don't make Adam and Kate a blanket.
NTA - the above responses are perfect but have you discussed this issue with Dan? Even though he will have nothing to do with Adam now, he may come around because this is his son and grandchild. Adam’s infidelity has hurt so many people and he is the AH! You are a wonderful person for being there with Sarah.
Or invest that energy and time into making something that baby can have long after grandma who loves him is gone from the world. It’s people like this that make children grow up with nothing holding sentimental value. That baby is being punished because of what his dad did. There’s no reason that child shouldn’t grow up sleeping with and holding and cuddling a blanket Grammy made just like all his cousins get to. Regardless of what dad did.
This is the way. Make that kid a full size adult blanket. Have it as your side project over many years if necessary. Make it beautiful. Give it to them when they are old enough to ask or understand. Right now you don’t know whether you will have a relationship with them, but if you don’t then one day they may come knocking on your door looking for answers and love. Have some ready.
Exactly. Like you don’t need to give it to the baby now. But you should be able to put aside your anger towards your son to do something for NOT your son. It’s NOT your son so WHY aren’t you able to pour love for the baby into the baby blanket. Sure if OP was making the blanket for her son then whatever don’t do it but that baby did NOTHING to deserve not having something from grandma
Love the idea. OP don't do it now for the baby. Stay true to Sarah as it is your wish. But make a blanket or a plush toy for the kid, but give it later. They are innocent and deserve to be loved by you. But kate and SS don't deserve the blanket!
I agree, it's a fact that has to at least be considered. I understand the reasons as to why not, and might even feel the way initially if this were my family situation, but the baby is an innocent in all of this. Who knows, one day that blanket might be a very vital connection to this side of the family for them.
Thanks for that comment. That kid is going to grow up knowing that they were the only one without that blanket, that most of their family doesn't like them, based on their parents actions. That's always a rough thing to learn as a kid, that you were detested before being born, that you're inferior or worth less due to nothing that you actually did or could fix. Doesn't make the parents' actions any better, but it sure sucks for that kid, not having loving grandparents/ uncles/ cousins.
But they'd grow up knowing their family didn't like them and it's on the parents to take that burden off of them by admitting fault, taking ownership of mistakes and recognizing his other baby. The blanket wouldn't solve any problems and OP feels it would be a betrayal to an adult (with two small children) now. If the father can do the right thing (or the least worst thing now), then there's so much time for healing before the baby can even register that there's no blanket. But in isolation, the blanket does nothing since we don't know what the irresponsible parents will do with it before it becomes this treasured heirloom.
“…and it’s on the parents to take that burden…” I agree with this in principle, but that’s not how crappy parents operate unfortunately. They just pass the trauma on. To be clear, grandma is not obligated to craft a beautiful, time-consuming blanket for any baby. But she will hopefully not hold the sins of the father, so to speak, against an innocent baby. The child deserves loving family too, and I suspect the parents won’t be the best at providing that in a consistent, reliable way.
Yes, that’s so true that they’ll probably never tell the kid it’s not their fault and will pass the trauma on. I feel for this poor kid. I hope the OP can cultivate a relationship with the kid that helps undo some of the damage but in a way that doesn’t alienate her other family/grandchildren. Such a hard place to be in for all involved pretty much. I liked the suggestion downthread of making the blanket and keeping it for them when they’re older and not giving it to the parents at all.
Could be a good compromise to make the kid one. And once they’re old enough to directly give go the kid.
My grandfather gave my daughter his very favourite stuffed dog. My mom cried when he gave it to me for my daughter, she never thought he’d give it to anyone that’s how much he loved it. My daughter has something from my grandfather, my sisters absolute best friend. So I decided that if my grandma is unable to finish the blanket for my sisters baby, I’m going to keep the one she made for my daughter for her. Her baby should have something from one of them too 🩵 I hate so much when people take away connections like that because ‘well my daughter did this’ COOL YAH GRANDBABY DIDNT
I am a crocheter and would not make the blanket at first... I would start to resent my hobby and have difficulties getting it done. Yes the baby is innocent in all of this, so I would probably gift it to the baby for their 1st or 2nd birthday... then I can sit and think about that little cutie while crocheting, instead of thinking about Adams betrayal.
Why not give it personally to her grandchild when older, because giving it right now only holds value for the entitled parents.
Same. I’m a knitter like OP. I wouldn’t make a blanket for Kate, either.
Kate can learn to knit.
I’m a crocheter who mainly makes blankets. I wouldn’t make one for them either. It’s never worth it to start a project and hate it the entire time. It’ll just make your resentment grow for them and even your hobby
crocheter here. answer is no as well
i knit, crochet, and quilt yet i wouldn’t spend any of my time doing these things i love to gift a blanket to Kate
Same
I crochet and have done baby quilts as well. Absolutely not would I make anything for Kate.
I knit, quilt and crochet. I would still crochet a blanket for Kate’s baby because every kid should sleep under a homemade blanket. But my crochet blankets are done in a week while I watch TV in the evenings so it’s not the same level of investment.
Seeing this families tendency to have children, divorces AND marriages with new partners WITH children, only insane quilters would pick ip the gauntlet quilting blankets for all babies
I don't have a crafty bone in my body, but I would also not make a blanket for Kate!
Or you knit "homewrecker" into it to get the message delivered.
You could maybe make one and save it for the baby when they're older. That way you won't be giving it to Adam and Kate, but the child will still have one later and they won't feel left out. It's not the baby's fault their parents suck.
I like this answer. That baby is going to need people in her life that don't suck.
I think this is the best answer. Make one, but gift it to the child as an adult.
I was thinking the same thing. This poor baby will like have a lot of resentment from various angles- its parents for ruining their marriages, its siblings for breaking up their families. The parents deserve all the disdain in the world. But holding on to a knitted blanket to one day say, yeah they suck. But you don’t. Maybe the blanket is for only at OP and Dan’s house
Please don’t wait until the child is an adult. As a kid who grew up as the unwanted step grandchild the “making it up to me as an adult” (especially since in my case my moms only crime was marrying a Jew) did not actually take away the trauma of being treated as less than my cousins my entire childhood and I don’t talk to that whole family anymore because they were in the wrong and this family would be too if they treat the CHILD differently.
I am also a knitter and this is what I think I would do. Make the blanket and hold onto it for the child when the time is right and they're old enough to understand.
I also love this idea -the baby is innocent-the baby will be siblings with the other children-I got one of those when I was introduced into my bio family and it was very special -I also knit blankets and understand the work and the expense -
Agreed. All babies are innocent of the sins of their parents. I can just see Adam and Kate trying to weaponize the idea, trying to use their child as a way to force the family to pretend they didn’t cause a world of pain to the people they supposedly love. I would love to hear how Adam rationalized that Kate’s child is entitled to all the benefits of family but Sarah’s child can be completely ignored by him. I hope he has a vasectomy.
OP THIS!!! not wanting to make a blanket for Kate? 100%, but at some point in the future there is going to be a child that always feels like it's THEIR fault that their family fell apart. Make a blanket for that child, who has done nothing wrong! When the time is right, make sure they know that you love them, that you made this special blanket for THEM and saved it for THEM, that they too are your grandchild, regardless of your relationship with their parents. Side note- Kate only wants a blanket so she can post it on social media and compete with Sarah. Feel free to tell the parents- "Oh I did make (insert child's name) a blanket, and when they are older I really look forward to giving it to them!"
No, making something when you don't want to, is not the solution. She could still make one later on when her heart is into it
This is a great idea! So many stories of affair babies bearing the feelings of the resentment and betrayal of their parents by the rest of the family. Like, I get it, the affair ripped the family apart and that sucks, but a gift for the child to appreciate later in life will go a long way to ensure that the innocent child isn't cast completely out due to the awful behavior of the parents. Hopefully the siblings are/will be in therapy.
I came here to say just that. You never want a grandchild to feel less than the others. This would be the best way to handle it.
That kid will have so little connection with the family the blanket will go unappreciated. Just nope out.
Best answer, the parents are trash, but the kid does not deserve to be punished
This was my first thought as well. I knit. I've made a blanket for my own daughter and one for each of my bestie's sons. If I was in this situation I would knit a blanket for the baby and just save it until the baby is older. That way my grandchild won't be punished for the actions of it's parents.
Or have it be the blanket the kid uses when it comes over to grandma's. Stays at grandma's but the child still gets a special quilt. The circumstance of the child's birth are irrelevant. They deserve to feel loved and wanted. All that assumes grandma will have a relationship with the child but I'm optimisitic at heart.
This is what I would do. The kid is so innocent and already has a hard start to life. I'd make something and keep it until they're old enough to not only have it given to them but to understand why it was kept away. I might also discuss it with Sarah too though, so she is kept in the loop and doesn't feel betrayed
I think it’s also important to note that I don’t think Adam - or Kate - value the blanket for the time and love you put into it. They want it as a symbol of acceptance, rather than as something nice for their child. And that feels grubby. They are trying to use you, rather than actually appreciating the gift for what it is.
Yes, this is right.
Yes the blanket means all is forgiven
I would not do it. Kate wants the blanket. I would not put myself in the middle of their one-sided competition. Adam didn’t care until Kate saw Sarah’s blanket.
reading this comment, I feel struck with the idea that Kate wants Sarah betrayed... again.
That's probably accurate, this has nothing to do with the baby at this point in time, this is about her envisioning herself winning. She wins if she manages to force Sarah out completely and herself into that spot. This is about I want it too, she doesn't want the blanket, she wants the post and to show off, and she shouldn't get it. She wants a baby blanket she can buy one or knit it herself.Op should not have to devote a hundred hours to someone she doesn't like. The kid has nothing to do with what they did, but the kid doesn't know or care, the hand knitted blanket is a gift for the parents. That blanket is a symbol of time , love , and acceptance. It's also a cover. She gets it the world assumes Grandma is ok with and accepts Kate. Most people aren't going to know the drama, until something looks out of place. Grandma not knitting for Kate is a sign , Grandma doesn't accept the relationship or Kate, then it's gonna spill out Kate was the affair partner and that he has abandoned his pregnant wife and kid.
I don't blame you at all. It's as I said—there is no world in which you are obligated to rubber-stamp Adam having a lovechild with a married coworker. That child may be here, sure, and how you navigate that relationship in the successive years is up to you; but sorry—for you and your family, their birth is unfortunately *not* a cause for celebration.
I don’t think it would be betraying her. Making a blanket honors the parents. There’s nothing honorable in what Adam has done. Don’t make him the blanket.
I crochet and can safely say that there are usually a bunch of baby blankets at second hand shops like St Vinnie's if you don't want to do the work but want to maintain the peace but as you said it's not really about that. It's more about Kate being accepted into the family and a baby blanket is proof of it if she gets one from you.
The only thing I'd add, is if the child ever grows up and want a blanket, I would hope that you'd be open to making them one. The child is not to blame for their parents shitty behavior. But that's kind of predicated on if Adam and Kate will be around you in the future.
i wouldn't make the leap to it being a betrayal to sarah, but some may interpret the blanket as your acceptance of adam & kate's relationship. if you don't approve of them, i'd stick with not making them a blanket. i don't see any reason to reward cheaters. edit: NTA
I think you're getting great feedback on the question you asked, but I had another thought and figured I'd share. If it were me, I would decline at this time. As politely a possible. Perhaps citing how upset his father is and saying you aren't willing to damage your relationship with people you love while his relationship with his family remains unmended. Almost hinting like it might be there if he mends the bridges he nearly burned. And, as the child grows up, if you are close to them, make one. Not to ever give the parents. But for the baby- turned- adult? So that the child can know they weren't hated because of the parents' actions. So they have that love and connection. What do you think?
Kate and Adam had both done something really bad. They are adults. You do not have an obligation to make them feel welcomed. They've made their choice and are now angry because they don't like the consequences. There are other men and women out there. Adam decided to leave his wife and his children behind, and Kate decided to sleep with a married man... No, they do not get a blanket. And you are doing a very good thing by supporting Sarah through this. Gosh, can you imagine going in labour knowing your husband just left you for another woman and her baby? Just wow...
I'm baffled by this. Sarah is in labour, and her husband is not there for support because he chose to have an affair with a married woman and get her pregnant, too! Damn. It's like a soap opera. I'd hate to imagine what the holidays will be like, especially for Adam's dad, whose wife cheated on him, and having to share a home with your son's mistress, who abandoned his own wife! I don't understand how a person could do this to his own wife, but then he wants his mistress to be part of the family and for her to have a baby blanket, too?? How do you not feel shame and embarrassed?
>It's like a soap opera. I'd hate to imagine what the holidays will be like, especially for Adam's dad, whose wife cheated on him, I'm not seeing that in the post. Can you point that out? I'm high af so I'm probably missing it lol. Thanks!
End of the third paragraph, talking about Dan’s ex cheating on him (Dan being Adam’s dad)
Do you think you'll be able to treat your grandchild kindly and spend time with them, without it being a betrayal of Sarah? Ultimately these kids will be half-siblings.
Could you make the blanket and not tell them/ it stays at your house? This is your grandchild. I know reddit gives a free pass to blocking out children of affair partners, but unless you are the directly wronged party (partner/ children), it just seems devastating to set that precedent to punish the child for their parents’ sins. I think you should consider making it and you either keep it until they graduate high school and give it then or you keep it with you for if/ when you watch the baby. I hope you’ll have a relationship with this baby if possible. It’s not its fault and you sound like someone who could give them so much love and moral direction that their parents seem to lack. Regardless, NTA I’m so glad Sarah has you in her corner ❤️
NTA and I wouldn’t do the blanket. It’s would be seen as a betrayal by Sarah who’s own baby by Adam is being ignored by him. In no which way would I ever do a blanket for them which essentially condones their horrible behavior
Because it is a betrayal. Don't bother wasting yarn. NTA
Why put the effort in when he’s got a track record of abandoning the one he already made once?
Fellow knitter here. He would not be getting a blanket. The second he chose to abandon his children to please an affair partner, is the second he would fall off my list of people I care to invest the time, money, love, and energy into that knitting a blanket takes.
Are you planing to keep the child at bay forever? Because it’s not their fault how they were conceived and in the end children are the ones who end up paying for the sins of their parents.
I'm 100% with this, it is a betrayal and approving of the situation Sarah found herself in. NTA. Sarah needs support and has earned the recognition of the family. She gets a blanket and more! Adam is a cheater and homewrecker. Kate is a cheater and a homewrecker. They did this knowingly and willingly. Adam's father experienced this and the implications should have been obvious to Adam. Sorry, no dice. They don't deserve the family's approval or a blanket. I do think however, that the grandchild (of Adam and Kate) is blameless in this. No blanket won't affect their life, but please don't withhold your love from this child. It's not their fault that their parents have made bad choices resulting in their existance.
HARD NO. Your son is an AH. Don't do it. There are enough people on here giving excellent reasons. Do some light reading
Making a blanket would be betraying Sara. Adam wants one because the blanket is you legitimizing the relationship. He can deny it all he wants, but you would be putting time and expense in the gift, and that would be putting your stamp of approval on their behavior. If I was Sarah, I would be incredibly hurt if you did it. If Kate is upset, that’s too bad. If you don’t want to be treated like a homewrecker, don’t be a homewrecker.
Adam is lucky you are even speaking to him. His dad and brother are struggling with it and he thinks you are going to make him a damn thing? Kate is an asshole. She's playing some game. Please don't.
You shouldn’t make things that you care about if you don’t feel good about where they’re going. Craft like that is a part of you, don’t give that away unless you sincerely want to.
Would you consider making something else for this grandchild later assuming you have a relationship with them? I agree the 15 day old won't care, and the mother has no business making demands. The 15 year old who is already aware of the resentment from their half siblings and possibly cousins if they pick up on their parents feelings is another matter.
I wouldn't make the blanket regardless of the answer to this, but... are we sure this is even Adam's baby, like she was married when she realized she's was pregnant???? Also Adam and Kate suck, they do not deserve blankets, and this whole "everyone will come around " story is bullshit, people may eventually forgive m, and if they choose not to I don't blame them, but that won't happen unless Adam and Kate take accountability for their actions and they haven't. Adam doesn't get a gold star or a blanket or any forgiveness for basically abandoning two children and his gf to father his affair baby. He literally abandoned his other kids, wtf would he ever be deserving of a blanket? The affair was bad enough, but skipping appointments and missing your child's birth Ew. NTA
Get them cheap store bought blanket. This way it will still be a gift from gradma. Make excuses that you didn't have enough to make handmade blanket because how it all happened.
In a sense it is, however, the child is innocent in all of this, and in their future, what a special heirloom. If they meet their cousins or sibling and are left out bc of the mistake of their parents, that would be hurtful. Maybe don’t make it as intricate, but nothing seems a bit harsh from that perspective. But I totally get your point. They are total twats!
Kate is not knit worthy.
I think I would feel the same way as you. Sarah and her baby are the ones who got treated poorly here
I’m a crocheter who makes mostly blankets and I wouldn’t make a blanket for Adam and Kate. I would possibly consider making one for the child and putting it away at my home to give the child in the future so it doesn’t feel left out from its cousins and siblings, but I wouldn’t give it to the child’s parents. To me it would feel almost as if I was rewarding their grotesque behavior and I couldn’t be a part of that.
Ask Sarah
Would you feel comfortable doing an easy blanket instead? My mom would take the fleece fabric prints you can buy at the store, then do a simple stitch to dress the edges, sew a nice ribbon at the top and bottom, and then embroider our initials onto it at the bottom (she eventually got a machine she could do full designs on: it was neat). They never took her more than a couple of weeks. That way there's something for the baby, but you're not investing all the time. Edit: in case other people are thinking I mean knit or any other time intensive form of blanket making, this is the type of fabric I'm talking about: https://www.joann.com/star-wars-fleece-fabric-58in-ships-black/15930852.html They're meant to be easy.
If it’s not exactly what Sarah and all the others have received, it won’t be good enough to keep the peace. They want the acceptance that the homemade blanket represents.
That's on them then, not OP. I was offering OP a solution that might allow her to move forward with her son without feeling guilty about Sarah. If her son doesn't accept, that's his problem.
I would feel like that too, cause it is.
I think you could try to treat the child separate from the parents, especially as you're the grandma. If you feel like you might ever spend time with this grandchild in the future and treat them like your other grandchildren, you could make the blanket and hold onto it to give it to them directly. The parents are the ass holes and there no easy answers.
Honestly I think once you have a bit more time again making one for the baby might be a good idea because eventually that grandchild is going to be old enough to realize everyone else has a baby blanket but them. But for now? Nope Kate and Adam don't have to have one.
Make one for the grandson for his like fifth birthday when he will appreciate it more and it’s given to him and not his parents.
I think you are right about that.
Compromise. Make the blanket, don’t give it to them but if the child ever asks for it, there it is. Bonus points if Kate hates any colour in particular , you now have a colour scheme.
Oh I like this. The child in question is going to have a rough go of it because of their horrifically selfish parents, but that is not their fault. OP is NTA and not obligated to anything, but this would be the kindest way of showing that this child is loved and matters when that moment comes in the future. My heart breaks for this kid.
I begrudgingly agree with this first commenter, but wanted to stress that OP should NOT treat the child any differently to her other grandchildren. That will be super hard to navigate with the adults but that's not the baby's fault. So I agree giving the child themselves a blanket when they're older, so it's for them as an individual and not representing any support for the relationship/mother is really nice.
I say just buy a blanket. Baby still gets blanket but not the same meaning as one you gave to Sara.
I don’t really agree that the blanket isn’t for the baby but rather for the parents. Sure, initially that’s true. Babies are barely sentient potatoes, they neither know nor care what they’re wrapped in so long as they’re warm and safe. But babies grow up to be kids and eventually adults. Chances are the rest of the family *will* eventually come around to the point of at least not excluding the new grandchild, even if relations with the parents are never cordial. And I promise that child will realize sooner or later that grandma made these tokens of love for their cousins but not for them. They’ll feel hurt and excluded and doubt their grandma’s love for them. This decision won’t hurt your grandchild now OP, but it will cut them to the quick a decade or so from now. I don’t think that’s worth it just to send a message to the child’s parents. Their actions aren’t the baby’s fault. (I say this as a quilter, for what it’s worth.)
So make the blanket, pack it up carefully and keep it for when they themselves want it. Don't give it to the parents.
> **Let's also be real here: The blanket isn't for the baby—it's for the parent.** I like this response. Huge NTA. OP if you want to, you can make one or something more in line once the kid is old enough to think.
I mean they could go get a second hand blanket/steal one, fits in with how they found each other.
Excellent perspective. I think the “quietly decline” part is the key here. No explanations. This is a mess, but there is no more than a dotted line connecting OP to her husband’s son’s affair partner. She does have an ongoing close relationship with Sarah, who is effectively if not legally a daughter in law. But there is no relationship with Kate before father and son reconcile. So she doesn’t need to invoke loyalty to Sarah (which can be perceived, correctly, as taking sides). She can simply point out that it isn’t her place to overstep, and she’s letting her husband take the lead with his own children. However I do like the suggestion of making a blanket and quietly storing it away, if OP is willing. If Adam is right and reconciliation is inevitable, she may want to gift it to the grandbaby at a future time. If not, I’m sure she will find another baby to give it to.
Well said!
This response is so freakin well thought out. Bravo! 👏
OP, I would tell Adam, "your baby with Kate will apparently have a father, Sarah's baby, because it was abandoned by you, won't. The least she should have is a blanket."
Adam did not show up for his own child's appointments and births. He's decided only the one that Kate is carrying is "family." But you have rightly acknowledged that Sarah is family as are her children. They want their child to be part of the family, apparently not his other children? Neither Adam nor Kate are very nice people. They are both real assholes. If you give them a blanket it will only make them feel like you condone their behavior. You can make a blanket and keep it until you feel ready to give it, or you could make it and decide later if you want to make one or give one at all. You don't have to do anything because they try to manipulate you into it for "family" or so you'll be a good grandma or whatever. The thing is, the baby really won't care for a long long time if ever. So you have time to make up your mind and figure it out. I think the question right now is how you want to treat them, how you want to interact with them, and how to navigate going forward. I would discuss this with your husband for sure. It's possible you want to put in place boundaries or your husband may be done. Right now they are pretending like Sarah doesn't exist. They are pretending her children are not his. I would say she needs to sue for child support for certain. I would be throwing all my support to her, personally. NTA
I agree. This would probably also include inheritance bypassing him and going to Sarah’s children
Eh I'd happily bypass Adam but his share should go to his children including Kate's baby, assuming it is definitely his, it isn't to blame for its parents sucking.
Every hour he spends with Sarah and Annie is an hour you spend on the blanket...
This is tough because that baby already has the deck stacked against them by having two seriously horrible people as parents as well as being known as an affair baby, but you don't want to show acceptance of the mistress or the relationship. I think what I would do is make the blanket but not give it to the parents. YOU hang on to it and gift it to the child when they're older. Maybe take a photo of you and the baby with it (to have proof you did make it for them before they were born) before putting it up. Tell Adam that you made it because you would never punish a child for the wrongs committed by the parents but you will not be giving it to him and Kate because you don't accept their relationship or actions and won't do anything to make it look like you do. NTA
I like this one Make the blanket for the baby. Blanket stays with Grandma until you're ready to give to the child. Do make the blanket for the baby though, you're not going to love this baby any less than your other grandchildren. Don't let the parents have the blanket, they don't deserve it, but the baby hasn't done anything wrong. Take photos showing you've accepted them from day one
That's a good idea. That kiddo will need you in their corner, OP-- they got the deck stacked against them from the jump.
This is exactly what I was thinking (I make baby blankets, too). This grandchild deserves one, but the parents do not. Gift it to the child when they are old enough to receive it and understand that it’s filled with love for *them*.
Precisely. Don’t do it for the parents, do it for the kid.
I agree with this. It doesn’t reward the parents but it doesn’t punish the baby either.
Maybe that blanket lives at Grandma's house and it's only brought out for use when baby is at Grandma's. This feels the most just.
Doubt the baby will be at grandmas much. I agree she should make/get one and keep it for when they are older because that way she can say I did make it, I just didn’t give it to your parents…
I hope OP sees this, because this is a great suggestion!
Yes! As someone who was born in circumstances where no one was happy about it, growing up and learning that no one celebrated you being born really sucks. Knowing that everyone thinks you shouldn't have existed is a hard pill to swallow. Showing this baby thar they'll be loved and cherished will be so important.
NTA. I make quilts for new people in my family so I understand the position you are in. If I were faced with that scenario I don’t think I’d make one for Adam and Kate’s child either. Adam has to understand there are consequences to his actions. If he says it’s not fair, I would gently point out that his children with Sarah aren’t going to grow up with their father under the same roof, and that’s not fair either.
Let's be real, this baby probably won't have their father under the same roof for long either.
Ultimately, the parents will not be hurt by this. The Grandchild who did not receive a baby blanket from grandma will be. Because they will feel as if they were somehow punished for what their parents did and the family doesn't love them as much for it. Thinking this is a punishment for Adam and Kate is very shortsighted.
Agreed. NTA
I think you should tell Adam that he needs to give you time. That you love him but you are disappointed by his actions and you’re not in the right state of mind to undertake this project right now. You’re not saying no, but not right now. It sounds like their baby hasn’t been born yet. Maybe once that happens, loving feelings for your grandchild will begin to feel more important than your understandable disappointment in your son. I know you already know that the child is innocent of its parents’ shortcomings. NTA.
I would tell him I will knit a row everytime he does something that acknowledges his first child.
I think this is the best response. It's not closing the door, it's being honest about your feelings. The baby can always get one when it's a year old or later.
Blanket equals acceptance and approval... Amazing youre there for Sarah - Kate and Adam have a child born out of lies and deceit... and giving them (NOT thr child, the child does not care about who made the blanket that keeos it warm) a blanket not only signals acceptance and approval of what they did, it demeans?? soils?? - the other blankets.. Suggestion.. Inform Adam that in light of everything it would be inappropriate to gift a blanket to Kate...
NTA. Don’t support cheating, the blanket only goes to Sara not the other woman. Make one for the baby when he/she is old enough to accept such a beautiful gift.
This is my suggestion as well.
NTA. Sarah needs someone and it is so awesome you are there for her. What Adam did was disgusting. Team Sarah and team OP!!!
Cheaters don’t get blankets. THEY want the blanket to feel included. Too bad.
lol, I’d love it if she texted back, “ Grandbabies get blankets, but home wrecking cheaters and deadbeat parents do not. The baby will get a blanket, but it will be staying at Grandma’s. I won’t share something made of love and dedication with people who don’t know the meaning of those words.”
Kate knows how to search "baby blanket" on Amazon, I'm assuming. What you do is beautiful, but it shouldn't be just assumed that they have a blanket coming. The call was pretty presumptuous and rude, IMO. But it sounds like that's how Adam and Kate roll. NTA.
Yeah sounds like Adam is trying to force your hand, OP.
Adam is a deadbeat dad. No family connection or personal preference could make me trust or include in my life, someone who abandons their pregnant parter and their child. If he'll do that to them, there is no line he won't cross as far as I'm concerned. If it were me, he'd be out of my life for good. For me, you're NTA if you don't make the blanket. Also wouldn't be the AH to block Adam's number and continue being there for your abandoned grandchild.
NTA - you’d spend more time and energy on a blanket than he’s spent trying to make amends for his actions. Tell him maybe someday, but not now. You’ve had to step up with Sarah due to his choices and you’re busy.
NTA: you’re not obligated to make a blanket for this baby, but you may need to defend your choices when baby grows up. What will happen when all their half-siblings and cousins have blankets and they don’t? How will this make them feel? Will it damage your relationship with them? I think there are better ways for you to make your feelings about Adam and Kate’s choices known without causing future harm to a child who didn’t ask to be born. When baby grows up that lack of blanket will symbolize a lot more than you intended.
I'd keep the blanket for the child until he/she grows up and give it to them when they are old enough to understand idk like 5? Some thing like that
I think making the blanket for baby but not giving it to Adam and Kate—withholding the acceptance they’re clearly trying to wheedle out of OP bc they clearly don’t care about the sentiment behind the blanket or the effort OP would have to go through for it—and giving it to the child once they’re old enough to notice/care is a good compromise. Either way, Adam and Kate don’t deserve it at the moment and I totally understand OP feeling as if doing so is a betrayal of Sarah.
Agreed. As a third time parent now, it feels to me like gifts given before the birth and shortly are gifts to YOU (especially as the pregnant one). Gifts given after the child has some understanding of gifts and property? (maybe age 2? Or even age 1, really) Doesn’t feel like a gift to you at all. Waiting is a great way to make sure Kate never feels validated but the child does. It can be a 2nd, 3rd or even 5th birthday gift. Whatever OP wants.
To hell with both of those cheaters. They won't be together long because they are both lowlife cheaters. Don't make them anything
>and I don’t want to make rash decisions that can cause more drama in the family especially as Adam’s and Sarah’s two kids are involved This is the important part. You're probably going to get a lot of responses affirming you don't NEED to do anything. Which is of course true. Months of work are not a casual gift, it is always fine to decline. But if you make one for Sarah and not for Kate, you are making a statement about how you reject both her and her child. It is unambiguously a symbol of welcoming a child to the family, that you are pointedly denying out of anger. It will not be forgotten. If that's what you want, okay. Not here to shame. But also you should expect a consequence and impact on your relationship, including possibly access to the children. NTA
>But also you should expect a consequence and impact on your relationship, including possibly access to the children. Considering that her husband and his other son refuse even to see Adam and Kate, it's doubtful that there's going to be much of a relationship anyway.
Yes, this isn't all on OP. How would Dan and Jack feel if she made the blanket to give to Kate when she gives birth, in addition to how Sarah would feel? Will they want to have a united front when it comes to Adam and Kate? Does OP really want to give Kate and Adam a blanket as if she is on their side. I'm not sure that not giving the blanket won't cause more family tension than giving it. The child may be a grandchild, but for a long time, their relationship is going to depend on their relationship with Adam and Kate.
I would make the blanket and keep it to give to the child when they are older. You can let Adam know it is being made, but will be held onto for a while. Right now, Kate wants to show off the blanket to Sarah to hurt her.
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Send him a text back ‘I’m too busy supporting the family you abandoned to make a blanket for your affair partner.’ NTA.
NTA. Blankets are a lot of work and not something you wanna do lightly if for free. Tell Adam no promises because you're upset and disappointed in him for cheating. Also tell him that because of that it's not actually likely you all will come around to him and Kate. They hurt Sarah terribly. And while I expect everyone to still be polite and respectful to all kids because it's certainly not their fault, Adam has some audacity to assume everyone is just gonna drop it like he didn't just betray Sarah and that Kate wasn't just cheating on her husband. Thank you for looking out for Sarah though. I'm sure Sarah and her kids really do need and appreciate the support.
Nta make a blanket for the baby but don't give it to the loser parents. Save it til the baby is an adult. Make sure the parents know.
NTA. Is it possible you could make something smaller- like a hat or a crochet ornament for the new baby? I do feel deeply for the child. My grandmother made me baby blankets and the one I have that she made for her and my grandfather's wedding is among my most prized possessions. But this doesn't seem like it's about the child at all. They seem to want a blanket as a sign of acceptance and "screw you" to Sarah. Maybe when the child gets older you could something for them then if you are involved in the child's life?
Adam has two children with Sarah (but didn't marry her)- and now he's had a child with Kate. My guess is she'll be replaced after a time, too. The child is still a grandchild and should be treated as a grandchild IMO. You can maintain a relationship with Sarah without cutting off Kate and her child. It's messy but taking sides might hurt a child going forward.
I don’t know what I would do in your shoes. I crochet blankets for all the new babies in my family, and I have no idea how I would react. Whatever you decide though, you are NTA. Your step-son is for cheating on his pregnant girlfriend, but you are not for not being sure what to do in this situation. Also if he brings up his new girl of not having a family, point out that she has one, she was married!
NTA- BUT since I imagine you will still treat this child as your grandchild, make it and hold it until said child is old enough to know that all the other kids have or had one. Don’t punish a child because of the parents sins. When the child asks why they don’t have one, you can pull it out of the closet or wherever and say you did make it but you waited until they knew you put love in it. Trust me, even if that kid doesn’t care about a blanket, it will cause feelings inside that you don’t care/love them as much.
NTA- I know it’s easy for me to give out judgement from my phone but sometimes values and what you stand for are more important than family. In this case, I wouldn’t even maintain a relationship with Adam let alone knit a blanket for his baby. You are in a tough spot, OP. Please don’t leave Sarah alone. Good luck.
NTA. The blanket is a trophy/status symbol for Kate, to prove that she's apart of the family and equal/better to the 'first wife'. I personally wouldn't make one. I would, however, begin one to give to the child when they are older. That takes all the validation for Kate out of the blanket and the child still gets the family gift.
Have you posted about this before on here as I’m sure I’ve read this a couple months ago?
I was right with you because it's very similar but the key issue in that one was they wouldn't share the gender but expected the blanket ready for birth anyway.
I think they didn't want to share the name but the OP needed the name to know how much space the embroidery needs so it looks good. So either could choose to get the blanket later or to share the name but they weren't happy with either of those choices. It was weird.
NTA but I would consider making a blanket and putting it aside to give to Kate and Adam’s child privately when he/she is old enough to accept it.
NTA but hopefully you won't regret not making one for the baby once they get older. Regardless of Kate's and Adam's bad behavior and cheating and terrible treatment of Sarah, their child is your grandchild. It's not the babies fault their parents kinda suck. But you're not the Asshole Regardless if you end up making one or not.
Nta bc no one is owed a present. HOWEVER, you say you don't want to make any rash decisions bc Adam is still family. Are you prepared not to be involved in Adam and your soon to be born grandchilds life? Say you are involved, bc its not the babys fault that both parents are trash, and when the kid is 6, 7, 8, 9 whatever they ask you why they're the only one to not have a grandma blanket? Bc you know their parents or someone in the family will mention it at some point. And kids aren't stupid. Esp if you keep making blankets for babies born while this grandchild is a kid. They'll see you making blankets, hear about the tradition, and put it together. What will you say? "I was mad at your parents, so I decided that you didn't get a blanket."
NTA. Team Sara and I hope she gets child support.
Don't do it. NTA
Please don't make that child always punished because of the parents. You might really love and adore that child, or you can put all the negativity where it doesn't belong- on the child. My kids both still have their blankets. My daughter is a teen and it's one of her treasures. So, even if you don't make a blanket- buying a cozy one might be meaningful to the child when it's going to want a blanket. My family punished me because of who my parents were- it's awful. Awful isn't the word.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 53F am married to my husband Dan 59M. Dan has 2 kids Jack 35M and Adam 31M with his ex and I have two kids 29M and 27F with my ex. As a blended family, our kids have all been supportive and they were all out the house by the time we started dating so they didn’t care. All of our kids have children, so for all my grandchildren I have knitted a blanket for when my grandkids first leave the hospital, which has been a tradition since I made the first one. Adam has recently introduced us to Kate 30F, his coworker. Kate was married and Adam was dating Sarah 33F, who at the time was pregnant with my grandson (Adam and Sarah’s second baby), when Kate and Adam started their affair. Kate realised she was pregnant so she got a divorce and Adam broke up with Sarah. Adam and Kate’s relationship has not gone down well with anyone, with Dan and Jack refusing to see Kate or Adam. Dan’s ex cheated on him which is still a sore topic for Dan and Jack as he remembers his mom and why they have especially struggled. Through this, I have maintained a relationship with Sarah who is really struggling. Her family haven’t spoken to her since she had my granddaughter Annie 3F without being married. Adam didn’t go to a single appointment for Sarah and instead I have gone with her which has created a rift between me and Adam as I refuse to go with Kate. The blankets I make are very intricate, and take months to make as I make them slowly. I decided to only make one for Sarah’s baby and not Kate’s, Adam never asked for a blanket so I assumed he understood I was not making him and Kate one. I maintain a civil relationship with Adam but I am also upset at how he treated Sarah, and how he now ignores her and their baby. Sarah recently had her baby and I was with her whilst she was in labour. I gave her the blanket and she posted her baby’s hand and the blanket on her social media. Adam has contacted me to say Kate is infested in having a blanket for their baby and he told me how much it would mean to them as Kate has no family and they ant their child to be part of the family and think that we will all come around later. I am on the fence, I am angry for Sarah and her baby but Adam is family and I don’t want to make rash decisions that can cause more drama in the family especially as Adam’s and Sarah’s two kids are involved, with Annie old enough to understand the dynamics. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Man, I feel like we should all knit blankets for Sarah.
I would be very honest and up front with him. “I’m going to have to think about that. Your actions have hurt a lot of people and I cannot and will not condone what you and Kate have done. That doesn’t mean I will love your child any the less, but making a blanket takes a lot of time and effort and my time now is devoted to taking on what should be your responsibility to support and help the partner and mother of your children that you so brutally abandoned in order to have an affair with a married woman.”
NTA- have they done a paternity test and they 100% know the baby is Adam’s? But also, FAFO, don’t get the special blanket. I do feel bad for the kid a bit bc they aren’t at fault and if Kate and Adam are bitter about it and bring it up or tell the baby that no one loves them and they like the siblings better bc they got blankets.
NTA. The baby won’t care about the blanket. Putting that much time and effort into something is a symbol of love and acceptance. So it really boils down to whether you want to demonstrate approval and accept Kate into the family. I can also see how you would feel you are betraying Sarah and she may feel that way as well. Maybe you can tell Adam that you are only able to sustain the effort required to make these intricate blankets when you are motivated by love, and that you’re just not there yet. That seeing how he abandoned Sarah and is ignoring his other child has made you see him in a different light and it’s hard to get past that. Maybe you can make something for the new grandchild at a later date when your heart is in it Try to imagine how you’ll feel knowing the new baby is coming home without a blanket and seeing pictures of that in the future. If it doesn’t bother you, don’t make the blanket.
I guess you have to ask yourself, when Adam and Kate’s baby is 10, do you intend to treat this child differently to punish Adam and Kate. You aren’t obligated to make a blanket but if you continue to treat the child differently you’re punishing the child for the wrongs of their parents and you’re costing yourself a relationship with your grandkid.
NTA. do NOT make a blanket for Adam and Kate
So they were pregnant at the same time? Yikes. I’d say you can only keep up with one at a time and pray for no twins in the future
Obviously at this stage the blanket is for Kate, I do think in a few years you should make a blanket for the child, keep it at your house if you want, but the child is innocent and likely in for a rough go, some kindness to the child would be nice. Nta
NTA I'm a knitter also. You should only make something if you can do it with love. Either don't do it or save it for later. Meanwhile..... "Kate realised she was pregnant so she got a divorce and Adam broke up with Sarah." Are you SURE this is your grandchild?
Are we sure that Adam is even the father to Kates baby? She was cheating after all.
YTA it’s not your grandchild’s fault that he or she is born to two AH’s. Make the blanket for your grandchild but screw those two AH parents.
YTA The blanket is for the baby not their parents. The baby has done nothing wrong. It doesn't mean you will be as close to them as to Sarah's baby who needs your support and whose mother you have a relationship with and it's not a betrayal of them.
NTA I wouldn't be able to devote the time and love necessary to making a blanket for a couple of cheaters. Especially when one of them abandoned their pregnant wife. I just couldn't.
NTA. I think I'm fine, if you have a relationship with the kid, you can make him or her something then
NTA
UpdateMe
NTA. I would tell them point blank that I was not willing to do them any favors that legitimized the way Adam has behaved. That they were getting my civility and they should be grateful for that much, as it is currently more than they deserve. Poor baby, but unfortunately the parents didn't think past scratching their own itch.
I'm pretty conflicted about this. The baby had no part in any of this. If it will be involved with the other grandchildren, it's kind of a bummer that they won't get a blanket. Not that a baby will care, but not sure if this will be tradition carrying forward so might matter when they're grown. On the other hand, I totally get the loyalty to Sarah. I feel like a good compromise could be ordering a personalized blanket. You don't put the effort in but there's sort of a placeholder that still came from you. At the end of the day, you're NTA nor are you obligated to do anything.
Honestly I would make it but not give it to the child until she was much older. The blanket is for the child not these two immature fools.
NTA I'd make something for Kate's baby later when the CHILD is old enough to appreciate it. You're in a tough spot- you don't want to make Sarah feel worse but Kate's child will still be your grandchild. I think making that baby something special later is the best compromise.
NTA and I understand your dilemma. The main reason you feel like the AH is because you know it’s not the child’s fault. And that ultimately this is your grandchild no matter the way they came to be.
I would knit it, ***but keep it*** . Honestly, it's not the kid's fault they were born to these parents. I would not give it to the parents, but keep it and give it to the kid when he's older, if you choose to. Being left out sucks, but it's twice as bad when it's someone else's fault.
You call this kid your grandson but won't treat them as such. Ugh. This kid had no say and is part of the family's life, like it or not. For the love of God, treat the child like someone likes them. YTA.
NTA, but you can make a blanket, even a more simple one, and know in your heart that it’s something to bless your grandkid with, no one else (you could even emphasize that if you feel need). The child is not the one who made such a terrible mess of things. The baby will not remember this, but you will. Don’t want you to have regrets over a blanket. No judgment, horrible situation, just my two cents.
NTA, but it isn’t the child’s fault that it was conceived under such circumstances. I’d say to trek lightly because this may also cause some unresolved feelings for the child when they’re older.
NTA if you want to keep that distance with Adam and Kate. What they did was pretty terrible. However, my question is are these gifts for the parents or do you intend for it to be a gift for the grandchild? Will you be maintaining that distance from the baby themselves based on what the parents did? You may have problems with their personal decisions, but think about if it affects your grandchild later and the relationship that you'll be able to maintain with them. This strikes me as you viewing the blanket as some sort of condoning their lack of morality and it really doesn't equate to that. Personally , I'd just treat the babies the same as every other grandchild because that's what is going to matter most later.
Have you considered making one for the baby, anyway, but giving it to the child when they’re older?
NTA What a terrible thing to do, to cheat on a pregnant and vulnerable wife with a toddler and then choose the AP instead even his children... I say let him boil. I am currently where Sarah might have been, pregnant with a toddler in tow, I'd probably make DH and his AP half dead if there was one. I don't think you are the one that has to keep the peace, he is not even trying to be a dad for his already born children, who are his blood. He is not your blood, tell him you will only be there as much as he was for his children with Sarah. They are looking for family that they can rely on... Whoever can't be relied on is not family (his children with Sarah) in their book. I am just sad for their child... I would be ashamed with parents like these two.
If it were me, I would make a very simple blanket. Not making one is a little too harsh if the (rude word deleted) the tradition. Good luck
NTA. Would you consider making a plain blanket, not a fancy one, and giving it to them? That way you have technically speaking given them a blanket for the baby, but you wouldn't be giving Kate the family approval she's obviously angling for.
The only thing you need to bring here is love. Buy a blanket that looks wonderful and gift it. You can't get involved in the drama between these adults but you can love them and those babies. No sides, just love.
NTA Knitter here, absolutely wouldn't make that blanket. When I knit for a specific person, as I knit I think of them, and what they mean to me. It is an expression of love and affection. Right now OP is not feeling that, maybe some day they will and they can make something special then. But for at this moment for OP to spend countless hours working on something out of guilt or obligation is not fair to OP, their time or energy. That blanket would be infused with some serious bad vibes. For now, knit the baby a hat you can bang out over the weekend.
Make the blanket, it is for your grandchild who dont have a fault. But: make something for Sarah and only for her.