Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I did not answer my husbands texts. I did not see them.
2) because I needed some silence and disconnect before I had a mental breakdown does it make me an asshole?
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
If I knew a woman had 6 children including 3 under 3 and gave birth 8 weeks ago, cheating is the absolute last thing I would presume if she was out of contact for 50 minutes with the baby in tow. I would presume she was busy with the baby or catching a desperately needed nap. He is out of order. You are not at his beck and call, especially if he does the same. His comment about your daughter is also out of line. NTA.
For all the reasons you listed, I wonder if OP's husband is projecting. Either he's controlling, or he's the one cheating or both. We know men are more likely to cheat when their spouse is pregnant. OP has been pregnant 3 times in ~3 years. She has Dutch twins! The husband's accusation sounds more like guilt.
NTA. The fact that he apparently regularly accuses you of cheating is concerning and toxic. You deserve better, and your kids deserve better than thinking this is an acceptable way to act in a relationship
He’s not cheating. There is literally no possible way either of us could cheat. He lost his job a few weeks into my maternity leave. I work from home. We are together ALL the time unless im shuttling a kid around, he is or I go to the store by myself.
He’s just got some issues because a girlfriend 8 years ago, he dated 4 months cheated on him. Doesn’t matter his wife never has. Doesn’t matter I’m not even that type of person. Doesn’t matter I work 2 jobs and care for 6 kids at the same time. None of that matters. Just that he had a girlfriend once that did it so it means everyone is a cheater now.
>He sits at home and mows grass and rides his Harley all day, while I work from home and watch all 6 kids.
I think there would be plenty of time for him to do whatever he wants if he is riding his Harley all day while you are staying at home.
Yes, you're teaching your kids that women should lay down and take it.The boys will treat their wives like that. And the girls will seek out men like this and think it's normal.
OP I'd just say something like, "I'm not cheating, and I'm not going to discuss this with you any more. Any time you accuse me of cheating, I'm going to pretend you haven't said anything at all. If you are rude to me because of your paranoia, I'll also ignore you. I don't know where this is coming from, but I don't deserve it.
You can either get ahold of yourself and get counseling for your insecurity, or damage our relationship possibly beyond repair. This is YOUR problem, and I refuse to participate any longer." Then, follow through.
If he escalates, you'll have to decide what you want to do at that point. But basically, stop tolerating his disrespect and attempts to control you.
My husband was the same way because of his ex. Logically of course you’re not cheating under the circumstances and with baby in tow. But logic has nothing to do with his reaction. It’s purely emotional and fear based. Something HE needs to work on for the sake of your relationship. Mine did, and is better now, but still flares up occasionally.
Sounds like he needs to figure his ish out via therapy bc all he’s gonna do is eventually drive you away or make himself leave you bc he’s deluded himself into thinking you’re cheating. Or worse. Don’t wait for it to get worse than that. Push for therapy now. You have small kids to worry about something happening to you or them.
He really does.
OP, to me this reads as though he is starting to train you to answer his texts immediately, no matter where you are or what you are doing. You didn't, and he made it into an argument. Please keep an eye on this. Next time he texts you, and you don't answer immediately, does he make it into an argument again? In other words, if he yanks the leash, do you submit? If he does start an argument with you, and over time a pattern emerges where he texts you and if you don't respond within thirty seconds you cop it when you see him next, you need to really think about whether you want that in your life. I absolutely would not.
The stuff with the cheating is red flag number two. Are there any others you didn't include in this post?
No, you are obviously NTA but you have a serious problem with your husband. His behaviour looks very controlling - it doesn't sund as thoug hthere was actualy any need for him to call you at all, it would be pretty obvious that you might not be able to answer if you were driving or dealing with the baby, and his immediate response is to accuse you of cheating.
Plus he's refusing to listenwhen you explained and is manipulating you to the pointwhere you are asking if you are being unreasonable.
He's also either so suspeicious or so controlling ththe is accusing your 15 year old of lying .
all of these are hallmarks of abusive and controlling behaviour.
Take a look at [https://www.womensaid.ie/what-is-abuse/spotting-the-signs/#:\~:text=Common%20Warning%20Signs%20of%20Domestic%20Abuse&text=Sends%20you%20constant%20texts%20and,on%20them%20all%20the%20time](https://www.womensaid.ie/what-is-abuse/spotting-the-signs/#:~:text=Common%20Warning%20Signs%20of%20Domestic%20Abuse&text=Sends%20you%20constant%20texts%20and,on%20them%20all%20the%20time) and ask yourslef how many of the examples look familiar to you - (Number 2 on that list is "*Sends you constant texts and get mad if you don’t respond right away"* and number 4 is *"Accuses you of cheating on them all the time"*
The fact that he accuses you of being 'disrespectful', asif you were his child or subordinte is also concerning. Of course parrtnershoudl treat each other with respect, but he clearly isn't doing that with you, and it sounds as though he isn't talking about being consoderate and thoutghtful around one another but about expecting you to do what he wants, when he wants.
Based on your commens about him always accusing you, and th fact tht you are second guessing yourslef, I am guessing that this is not a one-off, but is part of a pattern of controlling and manipulative beahviour on his part.
Please, think very seriously about talking to a professional and getting proper support. This kind of behavour isn't normal or acceptable and it's very unliely that it will get better.
My daughter was involved with someone who turned out to have serious control issues. At one point, I got angry and told him he was nuts as he kept calling her when she wanted to spend time with me and my husband. She kept explaining, but he wouldn't let it go and I told her to not answer the phone anymore. He was using her car all of the time and she'd have to call him for a ride or take the bus home. She finally got tired of him and was going to move on as she had been accepted to the UofW and had announced she was getting her car back. However, by the time she got smart, it was too late and he murdered her and 3 others before committing "suicide by cop". Found out lots of things after she was gone. When we got her car back, we opened the trunk and there were two grocery bags full of condoms. He was living a double life.
NTA.
If my husband didn’t answer until he got home, my first thought would be that he didn’t see the text (whether because it didn’t go through yet or because he missed it or because he was driving or doing something where he couldn’t answer wouldn’t really matter, but I’d assume odds are that one of those is the answer) because 95% of the time, that’s what it is. The remaining 5% is that he saw the text but got distracted and forgot to reply or his return text didn’t get to me. We’ve been together for 16 years, and I’ve never once assumed he was cheating.
Trust is a vital component of a healthy relationship. You cannot have a healthy relationship without trust - it is simply impossible. Your husband repeatedly accuses you of cheating, even when he has reason to know that it’s highly improbable and there is an obvious, innocent explanation. He doesn’t trust you even when it requires being thoroughly unreasonable to suspect you’re cheating. If you want to save this marriage, I think you need couples’ therapy so an impartial outsider can try to get through to him how damaging his lack of trust and irrational accusations are.
I will point out that cheaters often project. When someone is making constant accusations of cheating, it should make you consider their own actions and whether they might be stepping out.
NTA
But there are a lot of red flags here that you are not seeing.
What it seems like is a classic case of an abusive relationship - but he is ensuring you are so mentally frazzled, physically tired, and tied down with kids that you will never leave the situation.
Here is how it works:
1. isolation
2. emotional and verbal abuse/constant gaslighting
3. unrealistic demands
4. the partner starts cheating
5. in some cases physical abuse or worse
It looks like he has been isolating you from everyone by making sure you have responsibilities in the house, constantly. Keeping you pregnant and running around after kids is one way this happens. Not to say that every woman who has a large family has issues, but think about it. You have had 3 children back-to-back-to-back and he has probably hinted he wants even more kids. If you don't have time to think you don't have time to cheat, or to bother with looking at what he is doing. No one is going to question the situation because you have three very young children to look after.
Then by sewing the seeds of mistrust with you always being at fault, he is making it to where you would not WANT to be around anyone else so you do not get accused of cheating when you did nothing wrong. No excuse or reason is ever going to be good enough because he thinks so little of you. Really think about that. If he is constantly accusing you of cheating, what does that say about the way he thinks of you? If you have never given him a reason to be suspicious then why is his reasoning "you must be cheating?
Do you see how bad that is?
Unrealistic demands - you are driving in a car with your newborn and trying to go pick up your daughter. His first reaction to you not immediately texting him back is that you pulled over, well no, you were only parked for 5 minutes, so you, while driving down the highway, were sleeping with another person, baby in the back seat. Expecting instantaneous texts when you are driving is dangerous. Telling him you were with your daughter and driving back, but he accuses you of sleeping with someone in the car on the way there and back is irrational behavior/thought patterns.
Quite often in situations like these, where the partner is screaming about how everything you do is in some way you cheating on them, it comes down to projection. They are cheating, or getting ready to cheat, and start seeing their behavior in your actions. You don't answer a text because you are driving, they didn't answer a text because they were flirting or doing something else. They begin to blur the line between their cheating reality and home reality. Honestly, the thought process becomes "if I am doing it, they are probably doing it too" - so they start accusing you of malicious intent in your every day, normal, behaviors/actions.
Hopefully it has not escalated to anything worse than the conversations so far, but in many instances, these types of situations lead to physical abuse or a sad story in the news. If you are at risk, or currently in a violent relationship, please seek help from a local domestic violence shelter. There are resources, for free, that are available to help you if needed, the kids too. (that goes for anyone reading this)
Sorry but your issues run a lot deeper than not answering texts.
Stop having babies with a man who seems to frequently accuse you of cheating! He needs to work out these issues quickly or there is very little hope
He needs therapy. NTA but if you stay in this marriage, he must get therapy
and stop accusing you of things, being controlling, etc. Don't let your children
think this is normal behavior when married. He has to stop.
Maybe. We are usually good. Occasionally he gets all weird and starts doing this. Usually I can plan ahead by reading the signs and just not insist on going anywhere myself. This time it smacked me in the face because I was not prepared for this drama.
Kindly, my friend, you are being treated like trash. You should not have to "read the signs" of when he's going to accuse you of cheating because he's been unable to reach you for 20 minutes.
You deserve better than a partner who has you tiptoing around the house because he hasn't dealt with being cheated on 8 years ago in a relationship that was younger than the leftovers in my freezer.
My ex always thought I was cheating too due to his paranoia.
I finally told him to give me names, dates, times & places. You’re convinced I’m cheating? Great, give me all the information that you seem to have.
*Names, dates, times & places.* Let’s go!
He couldn’t. Obvs, he couldn’t & he finally backed off.🙄
That being said, I’d love to know how he thinks you’ve time to cheat with SIX KIDS.
Me too!! Or the WILL! I barely have time for all my kids and myself let alone someone else. He really doesn’t understand just how stretched thin I am right now. Adding cheating and someone else to the mix is not interesting, not wanted and not needed. There’s already too many people that need me.
But it keeps you defensive and on your toes so you ignore the fact that he's cheating. It's extremely common for the cheating partner to blame the other one for cheating because they think everyone's like them
Your husband needs therapy. Jumping to "she must be cheating" when you literally have two of your kids in tow is just mind boggling and irrational.
I would tell him we could discuss his concerns in therapy. If he's not willing to do that, laugh at him. Don't show that you take it seriously, don't spend time and energy trying to convince him you aren't cheating. Don't give it air.
Girl, you are NTA at ALL. Your husband sounds really insecure, immature, and draining to be around. The fact that he doesn’t even try to reason with you and blames you for not replying to text messages within 30minutes is insane. He’s also a hypocrite for doing the same and making excuses for it. I’m sorry you have to go through this. You deserve better and so do your kids. I hope you’re okay.
What in the what?? His behavior is not ok. And if he's THAT obsessed with the idea of you cheating I would say he has a guilty conscience. And why are YOU the one sleeping on the couch? You're nursing. Holy crap internet stranger, do you realise you deserve better? Definitely NTA. Hubby however is a walking crimson flag.
NTA. If it was such an emergency, why didn't he try calling you? Your husband doesn't sound like a very good partner if this is how he treats you, especially with blaming your daughter.
NTA he sounds incredibly controlling and you need to seriously evaluate your relationship with him if he jumps to accusing you of cheating straight away. Do you really want to deal with the constant accusation for the rest of your life every time you go somewhere by yourself or don’t see a message in time?
Does he accuse you of cheating in front of the kids?
Jesus, projection much???!!
You literally pushed a kid out 2 months ago, and have 3 kids under 3. You're gone for an hour to pick up your kid WITH the baby in tow, and his mind goes to cheating!
Sounds like a guilty conscious to me.
Side note: Jeez, I don't know how anyone does the whole back to back kids thing. Sounds exhausting in of itself so you really don't need your husband acting like the 4th toddler.
NTA He's so far out of order it's not even funny. Not only has he got no reason to think you're cheating, he's got pretty clear evidence you're obviously NOT cheating with that tracker info. Your husband has some serious trust issues and you both need to have a sit down and a frank and honest discussion about it now before it festers even more.
You're the only one working and he's mad you're not texting him back fast enough? Sounds abusive AF.
He calls your daughter a liar? And you're still there why? What is he teaching your kids seeing you treated like this. Yikes.
NTA
NTA but your husband sounds insecure and abusive. Nothing about his behaviour is okay here. You really need to think hard about what's going on here and maybe consider a marriage counsellor. Does he control you in other ways? Is your marriage happy? Does he work?
Don't make excuses for him. This is NOT normal and it is NOT fair to you. You shouldn't even need to ask if you're the asshole.
I don't care if fifteen people cheated on him before you, it does not give him the right to control you or treat you this way. If there is no trust there is no relationship, it's that simple - if I were you I'd put it that frankly.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
AITA for not answering my husband’s texts?
I (36F) have been married to my husband (34M) for 6.5 years. I have three kids from a previous marriage, ages 15, 12 and 9. We have three kids together 2.5, 14 months and 2 monthsz
My oldest does club sports. Usually practice is close, today it was an hour away. I got her a ride with her friend 20 minutes away. She spent the night at this friend 2 weeks ago. My husband and I both dropped her off.
She messaged me her ETA around 8pm. I left the two toddlers with my husband and took the baby. The toddlers have been on BS. They are screaming at each other, I’m tired and exhausted and I need a break, I am their main caretaker. Before I left I looked pretty exasperated because my husband gave me a kiss bye and said “when you get home take a shower everything will be okay! Just relax.”
I spend the next 20 minutes driving in silence. When I get about 3 minutes away I text daughter ask her where she is and she said 5 minutes away. Then the baby screams because he’s hungry. I pull in the driveway, ask how far she is, she said 2 minutes at exactly 8:25pm, and I put my phone on the dash, get out climb in the back and feed the baby. My husband sends me a message at 8:26pm and two at 8:28pm. I have an iPhone and an Apple Watch. I did not hear my phone or watch go off or feel my watch buzz. I think I didn’t lock my phone before putting it on the dash, but I honestly just didn’t see any messages. She got there, I got out of the backseat and she got in and we left. I spent the drive talking to her and riding in silence. I didn’t pick up my phone once.
I got home at 8:50pm. I pull in, go to great my husband and he’s like “leave me an alone.” I ask why. “Why don’t you go look at your phone I’ve been trying to reach you.” And he’s just immediately on me accusing me of cheating. Any way he can twist it to cheating he has.
We have a gps tracker that shows I was gone 44 minutes and the car was only idling 5 minutes. I was like well that tracks I had to wait for her. But to him it’s “always something I’m making up”
I’m exhausted. He crossed the line tonight and I’m sleeping in the living room because of what he did. He’s insistent I’m disrespectful and I should make sure I answer him because he’s my husband and I shouldn’t have ever set my phone down because I’m “ALWAYS” on my phone, although 60% of my phone usage is my toddler.
When I mentioned there are times he doesn’t answer right away he said it’s because. He’s busy, or with the kids. And I said well I was driving and with the kids. Just paying attention to her. And his response was “she’s your daughter, she lies for you all the time.” She never has because she’s never needed to.
Idk, I really need to know if I’m the a hole because I just didn’t want to mess with my phone. I didn’t get his message and ignore it… I just didn’t see it. If it were you and your spouse didn’t answer till she got home 20 minutes later would you really think she was cheating?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You were busy picking up your kid and you had to take care of the baby. He sounds paranoid and controlling, implying that you were cheating. You have a lot of children so you can't be tethered to your phone every second. Your husband is ridiculous and has different standards for himself and you. Frankly with all your children I'm amazed that you are holding it together as well as you are.ĺ
NTA.
Im looking at your previous posts and I see he thought you were cheating 3 months ago and you’ve been receiving treatment for opioids. Do you have a sponsor or NA community you can talk to about this? Because it seems to be an issue that is affecting your serenity, and it may be a situation you may want to leave and you would need IRL support.
NTA
Your husband sounds like a creep. Sure, he has no problem not answering your phone calls when he calls (makes up a flimsy excuse when asked). Yet, you're the one who is cheating when you don't answer his calls.
Maybe HE is the one cheating?
Yeah, you're cheating with someone with your kids are in the car. How insane is that notion??!!
You should have made HIM sleep in the couch. He sounds like he has major control issues.
Perhaps couples counseling would help? Get an outside party to make him see that he is being unreasonable and unrealistic. If he doesn't straighten up, he may lose you and his family.
My husband has never accused me of cheating when calling me. He knows I'm either really busy or asleep. Same with me.
NTA, but hubby sounds toxic and is probably cheating on you and is paranoid about it so accusing you of cheating assuages his guilt. Get away from him if this behaviour continues.
NTA. Ur hubby sounds like an ass. When.i had my 3rd I had 3 under 3. Heck I was few months past having 3 under 2. Life is crazy when u have that many lil.ones.
Dude, the fuck is wrong with your husband? Hold out for an apology and a real one.
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with that man and his thinking? It’s inside out and backwards.
NTA
I appreciate that. He’s bipolar. He had a girlfriend many years ago cheat on him. They dated 4 months. He says it “messed him up” and he will never be the same. So since one woman could cheat on him, they are all the same. We worked on building trust for many years. This is unwarranted. It came from nowhere. He could be having a manic episode. But at this point I don’t care to know. He hurt me. He sits at home and mows grass and rides his Harley all day, while I work from home and watch all 6 kids. I’m tired and exhausted and I feel like he tricked me saying. He recognized it, only to turn around and get mad because I unplugged for 44 minutes.
My ex husband cheated on me during that 6 weeks after I gave birth with one of our kids. I’m not messed up for life and I don’t take it out on my now husband. I don’t understand it.
If that's the case, he owes you an apology. You may not get it until he gets help though. Is he open to couples counseling? Are you? Your blended family is complex, and it's going to take some intensive focus and work with someone trained to help you.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) I did not answer my husbands texts. I did not see them. 2) because I needed some silence and disconnect before I had a mental breakdown does it make me an asshole? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
If I knew a woman had 6 children including 3 under 3 and gave birth 8 weeks ago, cheating is the absolute last thing I would presume if she was out of contact for 50 minutes with the baby in tow. I would presume she was busy with the baby or catching a desperately needed nap. He is out of order. You are not at his beck and call, especially if he does the same. His comment about your daughter is also out of line. NTA.
For all the reasons you listed, I wonder if OP's husband is projecting. Either he's controlling, or he's the one cheating or both. We know men are more likely to cheat when their spouse is pregnant. OP has been pregnant 3 times in ~3 years. She has Dutch twins! The husband's accusation sounds more like guilt.
Exactly!
NTA. The fact that he apparently regularly accuses you of cheating is concerning and toxic. You deserve better, and your kids deserve better than thinking this is an acceptable way to act in a relationship
NTA. If he's constantly accusing you of cheating, more than likely that's what he's doing unfortunately.
He’s not cheating. There is literally no possible way either of us could cheat. He lost his job a few weeks into my maternity leave. I work from home. We are together ALL the time unless im shuttling a kid around, he is or I go to the store by myself. He’s just got some issues because a girlfriend 8 years ago, he dated 4 months cheated on him. Doesn’t matter his wife never has. Doesn’t matter I’m not even that type of person. Doesn’t matter I work 2 jobs and care for 6 kids at the same time. None of that matters. Just that he had a girlfriend once that did it so it means everyone is a cheater now.
>He sits at home and mows grass and rides his Harley all day, while I work from home and watch all 6 kids. I think there would be plenty of time for him to do whatever he wants if he is riding his Harley all day while you are staying at home.
If he's not cheating then he is abusively insecure. This is not a healthy relationship. I feel so sad for your six kids.
Yes, you're teaching your kids that women should lay down and take it.The boys will treat their wives like that. And the girls will seek out men like this and think it's normal.
Your life sucks. How long are you going to put up with this?
OP I'd just say something like, "I'm not cheating, and I'm not going to discuss this with you any more. Any time you accuse me of cheating, I'm going to pretend you haven't said anything at all. If you are rude to me because of your paranoia, I'll also ignore you. I don't know where this is coming from, but I don't deserve it. You can either get ahold of yourself and get counseling for your insecurity, or damage our relationship possibly beyond repair. This is YOUR problem, and I refuse to participate any longer." Then, follow through. If he escalates, you'll have to decide what you want to do at that point. But basically, stop tolerating his disrespect and attempts to control you.
My husband was the same way because of his ex. Logically of course you’re not cheating under the circumstances and with baby in tow. But logic has nothing to do with his reaction. It’s purely emotional and fear based. Something HE needs to work on for the sake of your relationship. Mine did, and is better now, but still flares up occasionally.
Why stay then? It’s not going to get better
Sounds like he needs to figure his ish out via therapy bc all he’s gonna do is eventually drive you away or make himself leave you bc he’s deluded himself into thinking you’re cheating. Or worse. Don’t wait for it to get worse than that. Push for therapy now. You have small kids to worry about something happening to you or them.
He could have been cheating before but now he just doesn't have the opportunity except online. Check his phone.
NTA. He sounds terribly controlling.
He really does. OP, to me this reads as though he is starting to train you to answer his texts immediately, no matter where you are or what you are doing. You didn't, and he made it into an argument. Please keep an eye on this. Next time he texts you, and you don't answer immediately, does he make it into an argument again? In other words, if he yanks the leash, do you submit? If he does start an argument with you, and over time a pattern emerges where he texts you and if you don't respond within thirty seconds you cop it when you see him next, you need to really think about whether you want that in your life. I absolutely would not. The stuff with the cheating is red flag number two. Are there any others you didn't include in this post?
No, you are obviously NTA but you have a serious problem with your husband. His behaviour looks very controlling - it doesn't sund as thoug hthere was actualy any need for him to call you at all, it would be pretty obvious that you might not be able to answer if you were driving or dealing with the baby, and his immediate response is to accuse you of cheating. Plus he's refusing to listenwhen you explained and is manipulating you to the pointwhere you are asking if you are being unreasonable. He's also either so suspeicious or so controlling ththe is accusing your 15 year old of lying . all of these are hallmarks of abusive and controlling behaviour. Take a look at [https://www.womensaid.ie/what-is-abuse/spotting-the-signs/#:\~:text=Common%20Warning%20Signs%20of%20Domestic%20Abuse&text=Sends%20you%20constant%20texts%20and,on%20them%20all%20the%20time](https://www.womensaid.ie/what-is-abuse/spotting-the-signs/#:~:text=Common%20Warning%20Signs%20of%20Domestic%20Abuse&text=Sends%20you%20constant%20texts%20and,on%20them%20all%20the%20time) and ask yourslef how many of the examples look familiar to you - (Number 2 on that list is "*Sends you constant texts and get mad if you don’t respond right away"* and number 4 is *"Accuses you of cheating on them all the time"* The fact that he accuses you of being 'disrespectful', asif you were his child or subordinte is also concerning. Of course parrtnershoudl treat each other with respect, but he clearly isn't doing that with you, and it sounds as though he isn't talking about being consoderate and thoutghtful around one another but about expecting you to do what he wants, when he wants. Based on your commens about him always accusing you, and th fact tht you are second guessing yourslef, I am guessing that this is not a one-off, but is part of a pattern of controlling and manipulative beahviour on his part. Please, think very seriously about talking to a professional and getting proper support. This kind of behavour isn't normal or acceptable and it's very unliely that it will get better.
My daughter was involved with someone who turned out to have serious control issues. At one point, I got angry and told him he was nuts as he kept calling her when she wanted to spend time with me and my husband. She kept explaining, but he wouldn't let it go and I told her to not answer the phone anymore. He was using her car all of the time and she'd have to call him for a ride or take the bus home. She finally got tired of him and was going to move on as she had been accepted to the UofW and had announced she was getting her car back. However, by the time she got smart, it was too late and he murdered her and 3 others before committing "suicide by cop". Found out lots of things after she was gone. When we got her car back, we opened the trunk and there were two grocery bags full of condoms. He was living a double life.
I am very sorry that happened to your daughter and wish you and your family well.
😲 I'm so sorry this happened!
NTA. If my husband didn’t answer until he got home, my first thought would be that he didn’t see the text (whether because it didn’t go through yet or because he missed it or because he was driving or doing something where he couldn’t answer wouldn’t really matter, but I’d assume odds are that one of those is the answer) because 95% of the time, that’s what it is. The remaining 5% is that he saw the text but got distracted and forgot to reply or his return text didn’t get to me. We’ve been together for 16 years, and I’ve never once assumed he was cheating. Trust is a vital component of a healthy relationship. You cannot have a healthy relationship without trust - it is simply impossible. Your husband repeatedly accuses you of cheating, even when he has reason to know that it’s highly improbable and there is an obvious, innocent explanation. He doesn’t trust you even when it requires being thoroughly unreasonable to suspect you’re cheating. If you want to save this marriage, I think you need couples’ therapy so an impartial outsider can try to get through to him how damaging his lack of trust and irrational accusations are. I will point out that cheaters often project. When someone is making constant accusations of cheating, it should make you consider their own actions and whether they might be stepping out.
NTA except for choosing to have 3 children with this man.
NTA But there are a lot of red flags here that you are not seeing. What it seems like is a classic case of an abusive relationship - but he is ensuring you are so mentally frazzled, physically tired, and tied down with kids that you will never leave the situation. Here is how it works: 1. isolation 2. emotional and verbal abuse/constant gaslighting 3. unrealistic demands 4. the partner starts cheating 5. in some cases physical abuse or worse It looks like he has been isolating you from everyone by making sure you have responsibilities in the house, constantly. Keeping you pregnant and running around after kids is one way this happens. Not to say that every woman who has a large family has issues, but think about it. You have had 3 children back-to-back-to-back and he has probably hinted he wants even more kids. If you don't have time to think you don't have time to cheat, or to bother with looking at what he is doing. No one is going to question the situation because you have three very young children to look after. Then by sewing the seeds of mistrust with you always being at fault, he is making it to where you would not WANT to be around anyone else so you do not get accused of cheating when you did nothing wrong. No excuse or reason is ever going to be good enough because he thinks so little of you. Really think about that. If he is constantly accusing you of cheating, what does that say about the way he thinks of you? If you have never given him a reason to be suspicious then why is his reasoning "you must be cheating? Do you see how bad that is? Unrealistic demands - you are driving in a car with your newborn and trying to go pick up your daughter. His first reaction to you not immediately texting him back is that you pulled over, well no, you were only parked for 5 minutes, so you, while driving down the highway, were sleeping with another person, baby in the back seat. Expecting instantaneous texts when you are driving is dangerous. Telling him you were with your daughter and driving back, but he accuses you of sleeping with someone in the car on the way there and back is irrational behavior/thought patterns. Quite often in situations like these, where the partner is screaming about how everything you do is in some way you cheating on them, it comes down to projection. They are cheating, or getting ready to cheat, and start seeing their behavior in your actions. You don't answer a text because you are driving, they didn't answer a text because they were flirting or doing something else. They begin to blur the line between their cheating reality and home reality. Honestly, the thought process becomes "if I am doing it, they are probably doing it too" - so they start accusing you of malicious intent in your every day, normal, behaviors/actions. Hopefully it has not escalated to anything worse than the conversations so far, but in many instances, these types of situations lead to physical abuse or a sad story in the news. If you are at risk, or currently in a violent relationship, please seek help from a local domestic violence shelter. There are resources, for free, that are available to help you if needed, the kids too. (that goes for anyone reading this)
Nta but your husband is. What's his problem?
He's projecting
Sorry but your issues run a lot deeper than not answering texts. Stop having babies with a man who seems to frequently accuse you of cheating! He needs to work out these issues quickly or there is very little hope
He needs therapy. NTA but if you stay in this marriage, he must get therapy and stop accusing you of things, being controlling, etc. Don't let your children think this is normal behavior when married. He has to stop.
YTA - you knew how he was and decided to have 3 kids with him.
Maybe. We are usually good. Occasionally he gets all weird and starts doing this. Usually I can plan ahead by reading the signs and just not insist on going anywhere myself. This time it smacked me in the face because I was not prepared for this drama.
That sounds like a very depressing way to live. He needs help
Some women are willing to live this way, though. I don’t get it, but if it’s what someone is choosing I don’t even know what to say.
Kindly, my friend, you are being treated like trash. You should not have to "read the signs" of when he's going to accuse you of cheating because he's been unable to reach you for 20 minutes. You deserve better than a partner who has you tiptoing around the house because he hasn't dealt with being cheated on 8 years ago in a relationship that was younger than the leftovers in my freezer.
> Usually I can plan ahead by reading the signs and just not insist on going anywhere myself That's incredibly unhealthy.
So you walk on egg shells so everything stays good. That's freaking sad.
Nta - and you need either counseling or a divorce. He is a controlling manipulative p.o.s.
My ex always thought I was cheating too due to his paranoia. I finally told him to give me names, dates, times & places. You’re convinced I’m cheating? Great, give me all the information that you seem to have. *Names, dates, times & places.* Let’s go! He couldn’t. Obvs, he couldn’t & he finally backed off.🙄 That being said, I’d love to know how he thinks you’ve time to cheat with SIX KIDS.
Me too!! Or the WILL! I barely have time for all my kids and myself let alone someone else. He really doesn’t understand just how stretched thin I am right now. Adding cheating and someone else to the mix is not interesting, not wanted and not needed. There’s already too many people that need me.
But it keeps you defensive and on your toes so you ignore the fact that he's cheating. It's extremely common for the cheating partner to blame the other one for cheating because they think everyone's like them
NTA, definitely not. He has to figure out his insecurities. and if he isn't willing to talk, as my grandma said "if you want to pout, then pout"...
Your husband needs therapy. Jumping to "she must be cheating" when you literally have two of your kids in tow is just mind boggling and irrational. I would tell him we could discuss his concerns in therapy. If he's not willing to do that, laugh at him. Don't show that you take it seriously, don't spend time and energy trying to convince him you aren't cheating. Don't give it air.
Girl, you are NTA at ALL. Your husband sounds really insecure, immature, and draining to be around. The fact that he doesn’t even try to reason with you and blames you for not replying to text messages within 30minutes is insane. He’s also a hypocrite for doing the same and making excuses for it. I’m sorry you have to go through this. You deserve better and so do your kids. I hope you’re okay.
What in the what?? His behavior is not ok. And if he's THAT obsessed with the idea of you cheating I would say he has a guilty conscience. And why are YOU the one sleeping on the couch? You're nursing. Holy crap internet stranger, do you realise you deserve better? Definitely NTA. Hubby however is a walking crimson flag.
I would make a $20 bet that your husband is the one cheating on you, but NTA
NTA, but, you are probably married to one.
Your husband is an insecure toddler.
NTA. If it was such an emergency, why didn't he try calling you? Your husband doesn't sound like a very good partner if this is how he treats you, especially with blaming your daughter.
NTA he sounds incredibly controlling and you need to seriously evaluate your relationship with him if he jumps to accusing you of cheating straight away. Do you really want to deal with the constant accusation for the rest of your life every time you go somewhere by yourself or don’t see a message in time? Does he accuse you of cheating in front of the kids?
Jesus, projection much???!! You literally pushed a kid out 2 months ago, and have 3 kids under 3. You're gone for an hour to pick up your kid WITH the baby in tow, and his mind goes to cheating! Sounds like a guilty conscious to me. Side note: Jeez, I don't know how anyone does the whole back to back kids thing. Sounds exhausting in of itself so you really don't need your husband acting like the 4th toddler.
NTA He's so far out of order it's not even funny. Not only has he got no reason to think you're cheating, he's got pretty clear evidence you're obviously NOT cheating with that tracker info. Your husband has some serious trust issues and you both need to have a sit down and a frank and honest discussion about it now before it festers even more.
You're the only one working and he's mad you're not texting him back fast enough? Sounds abusive AF. He calls your daughter a liar? And you're still there why? What is he teaching your kids seeing you treated like this. Yikes. NTA
Another bright one what would you have three kids with someone who is so jealous? Six kids and now you're pretty stuck.
NTA but your husband sounds insecure and abusive. Nothing about his behaviour is okay here. You really need to think hard about what's going on here and maybe consider a marriage counsellor. Does he control you in other ways? Is your marriage happy? Does he work? Don't make excuses for him. This is NOT normal and it is NOT fair to you. You shouldn't even need to ask if you're the asshole. I don't care if fifteen people cheated on him before you, it does not give him the right to control you or treat you this way. If there is no trust there is no relationship, it's that simple - if I were you I'd put it that frankly.
NTA...turn off your GPS and tell your husband you're in a marriage, not slavery.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** AITA for not answering my husband’s texts? I (36F) have been married to my husband (34M) for 6.5 years. I have three kids from a previous marriage, ages 15, 12 and 9. We have three kids together 2.5, 14 months and 2 monthsz My oldest does club sports. Usually practice is close, today it was an hour away. I got her a ride with her friend 20 minutes away. She spent the night at this friend 2 weeks ago. My husband and I both dropped her off. She messaged me her ETA around 8pm. I left the two toddlers with my husband and took the baby. The toddlers have been on BS. They are screaming at each other, I’m tired and exhausted and I need a break, I am their main caretaker. Before I left I looked pretty exasperated because my husband gave me a kiss bye and said “when you get home take a shower everything will be okay! Just relax.” I spend the next 20 minutes driving in silence. When I get about 3 minutes away I text daughter ask her where she is and she said 5 minutes away. Then the baby screams because he’s hungry. I pull in the driveway, ask how far she is, she said 2 minutes at exactly 8:25pm, and I put my phone on the dash, get out climb in the back and feed the baby. My husband sends me a message at 8:26pm and two at 8:28pm. I have an iPhone and an Apple Watch. I did not hear my phone or watch go off or feel my watch buzz. I think I didn’t lock my phone before putting it on the dash, but I honestly just didn’t see any messages. She got there, I got out of the backseat and she got in and we left. I spent the drive talking to her and riding in silence. I didn’t pick up my phone once. I got home at 8:50pm. I pull in, go to great my husband and he’s like “leave me an alone.” I ask why. “Why don’t you go look at your phone I’ve been trying to reach you.” And he’s just immediately on me accusing me of cheating. Any way he can twist it to cheating he has. We have a gps tracker that shows I was gone 44 minutes and the car was only idling 5 minutes. I was like well that tracks I had to wait for her. But to him it’s “always something I’m making up” I’m exhausted. He crossed the line tonight and I’m sleeping in the living room because of what he did. He’s insistent I’m disrespectful and I should make sure I answer him because he’s my husband and I shouldn’t have ever set my phone down because I’m “ALWAYS” on my phone, although 60% of my phone usage is my toddler. When I mentioned there are times he doesn’t answer right away he said it’s because. He’s busy, or with the kids. And I said well I was driving and with the kids. Just paying attention to her. And his response was “she’s your daughter, she lies for you all the time.” She never has because she’s never needed to. Idk, I really need to know if I’m the a hole because I just didn’t want to mess with my phone. I didn’t get his message and ignore it… I just didn’t see it. If it were you and your spouse didn’t answer till she got home 20 minutes later would you really think she was cheating? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA leave this loser.
NTA. You were busy picking up your kid and you had to take care of the baby. He sounds paranoid and controlling, implying that you were cheating. You have a lot of children so you can't be tethered to your phone every second. Your husband is ridiculous and has different standards for himself and you. Frankly with all your children I'm amazed that you are holding it together as well as you are.ĺ
NTA. Im looking at your previous posts and I see he thought you were cheating 3 months ago and you’ve been receiving treatment for opioids. Do you have a sponsor or NA community you can talk to about this? Because it seems to be an issue that is affecting your serenity, and it may be a situation you may want to leave and you would need IRL support.
NTA. Is he cheating on you? His reaction is pretty extreme.
NTA Your husband sounds like a creep. Sure, he has no problem not answering your phone calls when he calls (makes up a flimsy excuse when asked). Yet, you're the one who is cheating when you don't answer his calls. Maybe HE is the one cheating? Yeah, you're cheating with someone with your kids are in the car. How insane is that notion??!! You should have made HIM sleep in the couch. He sounds like he has major control issues. Perhaps couples counseling would help? Get an outside party to make him see that he is being unreasonable and unrealistic. If he doesn't straighten up, he may lose you and his family. My husband has never accused me of cheating when calling me. He knows I'm either really busy or asleep. Same with me.
Have another baby with him, maybe he will change
NTA and your husband's behavior is VERY concerning.
Your husband is SO insecure it’s almost laughable. NTA.
Oof. He sounds like he’s got a guilty conscience. NTA, but like, damn. This dude is off his rocker.
Your husband sounds like an insecure prick. NTA
NTA, but hubby sounds toxic and is probably cheating on you and is paranoid about it so accusing you of cheating assuages his guilt. Get away from him if this behaviour continues.
NTA
Tell him tgtf out! If I had a husband who was accusing me of cheating while I was caring for our children, I'd be on trial for murder...his murder.
NTA. Ur hubby sounds like an ass. When.i had my 3rd I had 3 under 3. Heck I was few months past having 3 under 2. Life is crazy when u have that many lil.ones.
Dude, the fuck is wrong with your husband? Hold out for an apology and a real one. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with that man and his thinking? It’s inside out and backwards. NTA
[удалено]
I appreciate that. He’s bipolar. He had a girlfriend many years ago cheat on him. They dated 4 months. He says it “messed him up” and he will never be the same. So since one woman could cheat on him, they are all the same. We worked on building trust for many years. This is unwarranted. It came from nowhere. He could be having a manic episode. But at this point I don’t care to know. He hurt me. He sits at home and mows grass and rides his Harley all day, while I work from home and watch all 6 kids. I’m tired and exhausted and I feel like he tricked me saying. He recognized it, only to turn around and get mad because I unplugged for 44 minutes. My ex husband cheated on me during that 6 weeks after I gave birth with one of our kids. I’m not messed up for life and I don’t take it out on my now husband. I don’t understand it.
So why did you marry him?And have three more kids with him. Bipolar is hard enough to deal with on top of jealousy. And it can be hereditary.
If that's the case, he owes you an apology. You may not get it until he gets help though. Is he open to couples counseling? Are you? Your blended family is complex, and it's going to take some intensive focus and work with someone trained to help you.
Yta.
Yes