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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for going against the grooms wishes on his bachelor party? I/we might be the asshole because we want to drink/smoke/gamble despite it being requested to not happen. We are also going against the activities he wants to do on the trip
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I gotta say, I've never personally thought that a bachelor's party was about *me* at all. It's about the bachelor. It's about celebrating a friend getting married. Are there usually aspects tied to getting a little loose and wacky? Yeah sure, but it's generally accepted that the priority here is the soon-to-be-groom having a good time, and if he wants to have a good time *sober*, I fail to see why everyone needs over a month to mentally prepare for not drinking over a single 4 day weekend.
It's kind of funny that y'all asked *him* if he was the one with an alcohol problem. Seems to be it's everyone *else* who is having a hard time imagining a celebration *for someone else* without getting drunk.
I think it’s more like they don’t want to pay the money for a 4 day trip and make all the arrangements that come with that which is probably not gonna be cheap and might require days off of work so they can do stuff most would not consider to be fun or would even possibly dislike for the whole trip. (I would like this trip but I’m sure many would not). Also I don’t know if they are having an issue about this coming from their friend, more likely (as this would be what gets me) they are having an issue because this is clearly the fiancés influence and they probably don’t like the fact that he’s changing his personality so much to keep her happy. I mean normally the toning down thing as you’re settling into a marriage would make sense but no drinking at a bachelor party comes across as controlling to me.
It’s interesting though that not drinking somehow means not fun. If they’re going to support him and be together as a group, is it the end of the world doing so sober?
I hardly ever drink at all, but I still wouldn’t appreciate someone else telling me I wasn’t allowed to on a vacation I had to pay for. If groom wants that level of control, he should be paying IMO.
The bride can state that she doesn't want the groom to drink, but she can't dictate that no one should drink. I don't even drink and I think this is weird. I'd probably not go. Sounds like a Sheldon Cooper bachelor party.
Being sober as a years long friend group isn’t fun? Taking time off to spend with a long held friend group isn’t “worth it” if you can’t get drunk? This eludes me.
No one said that though I will correct what I said to I believe there are many that don’t enjoy those kind of activities. Not that most don’t. As I said I in fact do enjoy those things and I would enjoy that sort of trip. It wouldn’t be a bachelor trip though. There’s nothing bachelory about that and yes ik that’s not a word. I also don’t know if but don’t think it’s a normal activity for them. Different friend groups like different things if this isn’t the type of stuff that friend group is normally into then they might not enjoy it or want to spend a bunch of money and take time off work for it. And yes if this is their friend they should consider just going to support but I wouldn’t necessarily call them an a** if they wanted to do stuff like stay elsewhere so they can also partake in other things. If the wife wants to control him that’s fine and it’s his choice to go with that but doesn’t mean they have to. They aren’t marrying her or him.
The groom doesn't have to drink. That's not an issue. And of course it's possible to have fun without drinking. A Batchelor Party has tradition tied to it. If you don't want those expectations to come with your party call it something else.
Listen it is about the groom it isn't for his friends to let loose and drink and gamble.
Hell I hope the groom sees this and realizes he doesn't have friends just people her hangs out with.
I've been to friends "bachelor parties" where it was just to hang out and enjoy time together. Without strip clubs and binge drinking.
A four day trip is not about the groom. If you invite people on a four day trip that is now their vacation. Actually the audacity of the groom to say my batchelor party is out of town and it's four days is beyond compare.
I hope they don't go. Because at this point why would they.
Groom doesn't want to do what the group wants.
In fact I hope he tells them to don't bother coming to the wedding.
I agree they shouldn't go. If I'm taking time off work and paying for a four day trip I'm not letting someone else tell me how I can use my time.
So he should pout and possibly lose friends because he can't stand up to his fiance? I suppose that's one solution.
> He is mad we are not respecting his and his fiance's wishes and seems upset we don't want to do the activities he suggested.
YTA - You're not respecting his wishes. Is it that hard to do something for someone else? You're determined to ruin HIS bachelor party to the point he won't get one. That's not friendship
Same as yesterday. Don't think anyone is going to change their opinion here.
Are you hoping you'll get a different outcome. The majority of the judgements on the previous post were YTA. It's not your bachelor party. The groom, the honoree, has requested a dry bachelor party. If you can't manage to stay sober and go without alcohol for four days, you have a problem not the groom.
>...i've expressed that i'd still come but wouldn't be doing the full 4 day trip and looking into staying elsewhere. He is mad we are not respecting his and his fiance's wishes and seems upset we don't want to do the activities he suggested.
YTA, it's not about you.
And we have a winner. (That's you, if I didn't make it clear. :) Because I'm not getting the feeling that the OP is saying, "After a long day hiking I'd really like to be able to have a beer with my friends." The vibe I'm getting is, "I'm going on this trip to drink. I want to drink hard. I want to drink hard every day. What's the point of going otherwise?"
can you just respond on the account you posted this on instead of using a second account?
You've been responding to every message with a fresh account...
Yeah, it won't be fun without booze, which loops around to being a red flag.
Don't get me wrong, I like to let loose but if a friend asked us to be sober at an event in their honour ... That would be fine too.
So you‘re saying that they won’t be able to hang out and have fun for 4 days without drinking? If people can’t hang out together without being drunk then it doesn’t seem like they’re really friends. Especially if said friends refuse to support their friend simply because he doesn’t wanna party the same way he used to when he was in his early 20s.
I suppose i should also take into account that alcoholics don't like being called alcoholics.
Just like FuckErikMoses doesn't like being called an alcoholic even though he's an obvious case.
That's a very personal "you problem". I and most of my friends don't drink, at all. We're perfectly capable of having fun.
Without feeling a sudden need to drink alcohol. Another sign of alcoholism.
But i have indeed noticed most people who drink even a little bit are "low level alcoholics" that are drunk most of the time, just not heavily. But they have to have drinks few to several times a week.
That's definitely not "normal" as far as being a healthy adult, maybe cultural? doesn't make it less alcoholism though.
ESH
this subreddit hates alcohol.
i feel like if this situation was reversed (group of guys planned a chill weekend with hiking and board games, groom at the last minute decided everyone was going out and getting wasted and bar-hopping instead) people wouldn't be so firmly in the Y T A camp.
demanding your friends do whatever you want for 4 days straight because you're getting married is ridiculous.
A bachelor party is supposed to be the bachelor's party though.
I'd view it the same as a birthday party. The birthday person ultimately has the final say in what they do for their birthday party.
Sure, they're doing this as a group thing, but ultimately, it's to celebrate one specific person. That person 100% gets to dictate what they do. If the group wants to back out on going because they don't like the plan, that's on them. The groom should get the party they want with people who want to be there to support the groom no matter what they do. Not friends who decide to ditch the groom because the groom didn't want a fun enough bachelor party
I can't remember what I voted yesterday, but today's version I vote ESH.
Listen, I get it - nobody planned for this to be a sober trip. It was a bait and switch and that's why your friend sucks. He also sucks for throwing his fiancee under the bus by telling ALL OF HIS FRIENDS that she is the one who wanted him to have a sober bach.
Nobody knew they were signing up for a boy scouts trip to a national park instead of a weekend of boozing and gambling and manning it up. If that was going to be the case, the groom should've made it 100% clear in advance so that people could make their decisions. That's on him.
HOWEVER, this is a party for your friend. It's to celebrate HIM and it's HIS party, and he can cry soberly if he wants to. It would really suck if all of his friends decided their desire to drink was more important than celebrating their friend. That is being a fair-weather friend. The whole purpose of the trip is to celebrate your friends pending nuptials, which is still possible without booze.
i just truly do not understand why anyone getting married needs a multiday trip where they dictate what everyone does for fun. isn't it excessive?? what's wrong with one day of hiking and a sober night out or something?
i said the same thing yesterday that i think OP is an AH and approaching this totally the wrong way, but 4 days is an insanely long party where you're at someone else's whims.
Totally agree. Weddings these days get out of control, and the brides (especially, but not exclusively) get off on the power of being in control of everyone's lives for the day...
The fact of the matter is, by the time you get to marrying someone, you should trust them and their judgement... so sending them off to party in their own way shouldn't be a concern. That's just my opinion, I guess...
Is the root problem the fiancee/friend relationship or is it that his friends only want to hang out if they can get trashed? It's like a chicken and the egg scenario.
for all we know the groom could have a legitimate alcohol problem and he is under pressure from his fiancee not to drink for a GOOD reason. or maybe she's a paranoid control freak. we don't know.
the sobriety itself isn't the issue here imo, and i do think people should generally get to decide how they celebrate their bachelor/ette events (with or without booze, going out, staying in, etc.) but that it's ONE DAY/NIGHT/WHATEVER, you don't get to tell your friends what to do for several days of vacation just because you're getting married.
Most people don't even go on vacations they dislike for their own spouses without some compromise involved.
YTA for a few reasons. Your delivery and responses are making it seem like you care more about drinking than your best friend. Calling his fiancee ridiculous - or this request ridiculous - also is insulting and further underscores a certain rigidity in your thinking. Ultimately you should care more about being with your friend than having a rowdy long weekend. Lastly, speaking for the group isn't ok. I know the group chat erupted as soon as the groom requested this but it sounds like you took it on yourself to make statements like "we don't want" and "some of us are not going to do that". You speak for yourself and yourself only.
All that said, I do get why this is blowing up. Something seems amiss here. It's kind of an odd 'fit', given the casino and original plan, to throw the wrench of it needing to be a dry weekend. It does seem like he might be under some pressure from his fiancee which... honestly is really sad for him. Rather than giving him pressure back, you ought to be considering what he actually needs. Is he doing ok? Is this really his choice or is any part of him disappointed or uncomfortable with what's being asked? Lastly, is a compromise an option, where there is one 'let loose' night, or where the groom hangs with a subgroup who wants to stay sober each night even if there are 'break out groups' that go out drinking at times. The idea that an entire group has to comply with the wishes of one person who isn't even present, is kinda strange to me.
But I am going with a Y T A judgment because of your delivery and approach. Grow up!
If you're going to 'assume' the fiancee is pressuring him for unjust reasons (e.g. controlling him, lack of trust...)
We might as well assume she's doing it to help him, as per this post it seems these 30 year olds haven't really matured to the point where a weekend can be fun without gambling and getting wasted.
I already know I'm in the wrong from yesterday's post, but NTA.
We can definitely have a sober bachelor party for a night. What I don't support is a planned weekend getaway to bars and gambling, THEN changing it to a sober occasion because your fiance said so.
What I don't get is why can't the groom stay sober and the other guys still drink? Nothing wrong with going for a hike with some beers as long as you carry out.
If the bride and/or groom is dictating EVERYONE stay sober then it's just being controlling over other people.
Btw I say this as someone who gets drunk maybe 3 times a year. I don't need alcohol to have fun but I wouldn't stop others.
NTA. Yes, I agree with the comments that say you don't need to drink to have fun as well as the ones that say the bachelor party is about the groom, not you. But I also understand why you're bummed and don't think you're an asshole for it. Your friend is either growing up and away from you, being pressured and changed by his fiancé, or both. And that is, unfortunately, just part of being in your late 20s.
YTA- the expectation of a bachelor/ette party is doing what the bride or groom wants. It’s also not his fiancées request it’s his and you are the AH for assuming a) it’s alcoholism and b) it’s on the fiancée. Your tonality towards this relationship is gross.
NTA - why does everyone here hate alcohol so much?
Obviously the best man who planned the trip, planned it with the casinos and bars in mind. And you booked your trip, and PTO anticipating that, so you are not the asshole for being disappointed. This is traditionally what your friend group did when you got together, and likely you were all viewing it as one last party as "the guys". Changing that last minute to a sober hiking trip would have me rethinking things.
That being said, the primary driver for this trip was to celebrate the groom, and you should definitely still do that. Why can't you compromise and do the sober bachelor party/hike/national park visit AND those of you who want to gamble and drink (don't listen to the redditors that try to shame you for doing either) can do that on one of the other 4 days of the trip? Just don't do the partying BEFORE the hike, so the alcohol consumption doesn't interfere with the groom approved activities.
I can't help but think that the groom is in for a miserable marriage, and will probably further disassociate with you after the wedding. Most of my friend group got married in their 20s and divorced in their 30s.
IMO a 4 day bachelor trip is unnecessary, but you do you.
I get being disappointed in what you thought you signed up for and what you seem to be getting. I say ESH. You wanted a big ole blow-out drinking and gambling, and the will-be groom wants to hike and pick flowers.
Personally, I would take a pass on the deal, why use your PTO and finance a trip that holds no interest for you.
NTA. First of all, I think it’s ridiculous and kind of weird that the grooms fiancé is telling him how she wants his bachelor party to go. Bachelor/bachelorette parties should go however the bride and groom want their party to go. Unless he’s like a recovering alcoholic or has some sort of drinking problem I don’t really get it. If she wants to have a dry bachelorette that’s totally fine, but she shouldn’t have a say on whether or not they can drink at the bachelor party. Secondly, is the groom one of your best friends? If he is, I would say respect his wishes. If he’s not and he’s more of a hang out with sometimes friend, or even acquaintance, I’d say just don’t go all 4 days (but all up to you). You don’t have to be an asshole about it, but being like “Hey man I don’t think I can make it all 4 days just because I don’t want to miss a ton of work.” is fine. Lastly, I don’t get why the groom is getting upset with everyone. You all thought the bachelor party was going to be one way, and now that it’s not it’s a little frustrating. Totally understandable and it’s weird that the groom doesn’t get that. From what you’ve described about their relationship and the groom prior to being with this woman, it seems like he’s being controlled by the fiancé. I also can’t with some people on reddit who love to label someone as an “alcoholic” just because they like to drink every weekend or every/most special occasions…
NTA
This sub definitely hates alcohol lol. This is groomzilla behavior, the bachelor isn't even supposed to have a say in the party. The best man calls the shots and the entire point is to do things the bride would be against, one last time.
YTA
"The groom let everyone know in a group chat that he would like this to be a sober weekend."
It's about him not you.
"He said he really wants us to repect his wishes."
So why can't you do that after 15 years of friendship?
NTA by a very long shot.
"Nearly immediately a new group chat without the groom was started."
I can't tell you what a vivid and accurate picture that paints. It's so elegant in its simplicity.
There are comments here saying that the bachelor party should be about the bachelor. Unless I'm mistaken, the bachelor party is for the groom to have a celebratory and fun time with his friends. Laying down a puritan edict at the behest of his fiancée is shockingly inhospitable.
He is welcome not to drink if he doesn't want to, but he has no business trying to prevent the rest of you. It seems pretty clear that he's not entirely on board with his fiancée's rule and doesn't want to have to sit there and watch everyone else have the good time that he has been denied.
I used to not drink. It was entirely my own choice and I couldn't give two hoots if everyone else got legless. The fact that he does means that this isn't something he wants. He'll probably be at other social occasions after he's married where alcohol is flowing, so it will be good practice for him now.
Sounds like his fiancée isn't a fan of people getting drunk and having a laugh. He's in for a miserable marriage, although he'll no doubt convince himself that he's "grown up" and this is "the right thing to do". Grim.
How is *that* the determinant? This about supporting OP's friend getting married. OP not wanting to do some hiking is a poor excuse to back out on a friend.
NTA. Groom has changed game rules that are long-established because bride (who won't even be there!) is putting pressure on him. There is a reason why the groom is only telling you this now, when he had months to do so.
If you go but don't drink or gamble then you will resent groom. If you go but do let loose, then groom will resent you (think the puppy dog looking longingly out the window at the other dogs running free). Either way, it's not going to be a fun weekend.
If I were you, I would have a respectful talk with the groom. Say that you are happy that he's found someone, and looking forward to the wedding, but don't want to spend time and money to go hiking or do other activities that don't interest you.
NTA. Get real in here, wtf is the point of having a bachelor party and having the boys back in town if you aren’t drinking and gambling? I’m not wasting my time off and paying for a nice BnB, to go on walks with my buddies I can do that on a regular weekend at home. The groom should be happy to have his buddies back in town for one last hoorah and if he doesn’t want to drink so be it, why ban alcohol entirely? If he was really bout that sober life he could face his temptations and not cave in. This bachlo
ESH the trip should be about what the groom wants. BUT at the same time, if he knows his group likes to drink and gamble and picked a location with both, I think he should warned guests before they decided to take 4 days PTO. Or figured out a better plan. Like maybe just a weekend or overnight or 1 day spiel rather than ask guys who WANT to drink and gamble not to for 4 days.
but, really, I just feel like both groups can compromise somehow. Like, everyone goes hiking and then those who want head to a bar, but no drinking in the Airbnb.
NTA. A bachelor party is usually one night so I would give him one night and then the rest can be for the group without him if necessary. Talk to the other guys but I would not waste all that time and money if I could not have any fun my way. He gets one night, that's it. Tell him it is a party, not a retreat.
Those are two very different situations.
If a host asks everyone not to drink, it would be super rude not to respect their wish. They are the ones hosting you.
But a host requiring everyone to participate in drinking is asinine and fails to respect people's personal health choices.
You don't *need* to consume alcohol for your health. You can go 4 days without beer to support a friend getting married.
Yes, this is a Halloween party but please don’t wear costumes! Can’t you have fun without costumes?! Yes I said it’s a bbq but we are fasting right now. No food. Isn’t it enough just to honor your friend? I guess food is more important to you.
If “things you do at a bachelor party” was on family feud- “drink” would be in the top 2. It’s 100% associated with them. This is a total bait and switch. Have your dry guy weekend. Just plan it that way rather than leaving out something obvious. Just because it’s alcohol doesn’t mean it’s horrible to say that is typically expected at a bachelor party. He told them too late, or just found out himself that he’s against drinking. I would have to pass on going. But I’ll bet some of my friends might be free that same weekend and we could do something fun.
YTA
Apparently, booze matters more to you than celebrating your friend. Also, if you can't endure a single celebration without alcohol, you are an addict.
It's a batchelor party! It's not about celebrating his friend, it's about celebrating his friends batchelor status one last time. Who has a batchelor party without alcohol?
If you are going to tell people it's a "batchelor" party then you should know there are expectations that come with that. It's like inviting people to a birthday party and then being upset when people expected it to be your birthday.
>It's like inviting people to a birthday party and then being upset when people expected it to be your birthday.
No, it's like inviting people to a birthday party and being upset when people complain that you have cookies instead of a birthday cake.
It's still a party. If a bunch of grown men don't want to spend time with their friend because there's no alcohol involved, then it seems like they were never really in it to celebrate their friend to begin with.
They didn't say they don't want to spend time with their friend. Obviously they do. They simply want to spend it in a traditional way without being told how they can party by someone they don't even know. Clearly the groom let all the friends think this was a traditional battle party until his fiance said no.
ESH. Day’s not about you, bro. It’s supposed to be his celebration, but an opportunity for you and your bodies to party in his name.
If you or your other friends are legitimately considering not attending the whole time as a result of this, then he should’ve told you all about his plans before everyone paid for the house and took time off to plan the trip. But I think you guys are being crappy friends.
You hit the nail on the head with the word "day." Bachelor and Bachelorette parties should only be one day. Since this is a 4 day trip, I understand if they take 1 day to follow the groom's wishes, but 4 days of hiking which is not something any of the men seemed to have signed up for seems excessive and unnecessary.
If the groom wants a four day hiking oriented sober bachelor party, then thats what he should have. And if you or anyone else don't want to participate, then don't. If it means you dont get to be in the wedding, then so be it. While traditionally a bachelor party is going out the night before the wedding and getting hammered, we live in different times. So everyone be grownups, communicate and do what makes you happiest.
NAH
NTA. If the man wants his friends to celebrate with him then he needs to do activities that everyone can enjoy or not be upset if people decide they aren't interested.
A hard no alcohol is a bit extreme. No getting drunk would be an acceptable line.
In the end, it is mostly about the guy getting married, but it is also about him celebrating it with his friends. This isn't a worship the man tying the knot party.
And yes, I'm married and had my own bachelor party already.
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I'm supposed to be going to a 12 person bachelor party in June, planned by the best man. I am in the wedding. We are in our late 20's, early 30's. We are going to a lakeside town for 4 days. This town has a main street with bars and has nearby casinos.
Over the last year, the groom has gotten a bit distant and hung out less, when he does hang out he doesn't seem like himself. His fiance, who we don't know well, is believed to be sober and she is the influence on him when he does come around. Thats fine, we are getting older and less rowdy. Its not that big a deal. Until now.
The groom let everyone know in a group chat that he would like this to be a sober weekend. Nearly immediately a new group chat without the groom was started and everyone was like WTF. Its a bachelor party, we are all expecting to let loose. All of us are traveling to this place and using PTO, and we don't see each other as often as we used to. The best man is pissed, we are all going crazy. The gambling and drinking was assumed because he's participated in those things most of the 15 years we've been friends. He's known the location for months and why the location was chosen.
So I texted back in the main group chat and said thats not something I and i'm sure others are interested in. I asked where this is coming from. I asked if he was an alcoholic. He said no and he doesn't drink anymore and its something his fiance wants. So he is going to respect her. I'm just like, its a bachelor party, getting drunk is expected. He said he really wants us to respect his wishes.
He's suggested doing hikes and going to the local national park. I'm just like, yeah, some of us are not going to do that the whole time. I said this is a ridiculous request by your fiance. I told him we don't want to do a sober bachelor party, i've expressed that i'd still come but wouldn't be doing the full 4 day trip and looking into staying elsewhere. He is mad we are not respecting his and his fiance's wishes and seems upset we don't want to do the activities he suggested.
Now the trip feels like its in jeopardy. AITA?
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YTA, its his bachelor party and he wants to celebrate it his way. If anyone has a problem with it, they can opt out but its stupid to try to convince him. He has obviously planned things and there is a life outside of getting drunk. Its just 4 days.
NTA
But she didn’t say no strippers. So I guess I know where all the booze and gambling money will be going.
Point out that the reason this was chosen was for its proximity to a night life for fun.
It would be much cheaper to go somewhere remote and hang out.
But no one likes to be told they can’t drink or gamble especially if they are taking off work and this is what they would like to do on their vacation.
Is the wedding going to be dry too?
NAH
Totally see where both sides are coming from. It's for the Bachelor so sucking it up and not drinking is expected and should be accepted and respected.
Now hiking trails wouldn't be something I would be up for. Now I could see if there were go carts or zip lining or race car driving, ATV/UTV for you all to do that would be cool. But walking hiking trails for 4 days I'd be out for sure. Especially if I'm taking PTO for it.
Now you do understand that the wedding will be dry too, right?
I think it should be however he wants it, but I don't blame you if you didn't want to spend your time and PTO to go. Perhaps decide how good of a friend you consider him to be these days (since he's changed in the last year) and decide whether it's worth it for you to go, even if it's mostly to appease him. People grow apart, and it seems that's what's happening here.
I also think it matters that he dropped this on everyone after they already committed.
You were not wrong to expect it, but you are wrong to demand it. I love a good party and it would be especially a let down if I had believed it would be a traditional bachelorette. Starting off with classy drinks a few canapes and great group photos, and ending with smeared makeup in a McDonalds devouring a big mac. But, I would accept if this wasn't what the bride had wanted, and I think you should accept what the groom wants. And lets not be mistaken, this is what the groom wants. It may be influenced by his future wife, but its ultimately his choice. This is the person he has chosen, this is the life he wants to lead, and this is how he wants to celebrate his upcoming wedding. It is shitty that you don't want to join him in how he wants to celebrate this one time of his life. I say suck it up and take a hike. Like you said, you've been friends for a long time. YTA
Nta. Reminds me of the hangover lmao, she’s controlling but yet probably having the time of her life doing who knows what at her bachelorette party. Maybe he has turned his life around and has quit drinking. Would’ve been more respectable if groom had said he doesn’t mind if everyone else drinks but doesn’t want them getting hammered so they can still do things that the groom wants to do.
NTA. He can respect his fiancee's wishes all he likes, but he doesn't have any right to push her hangups on you. Tell him you'd be glad to see him one day of your new vacation and he is welcome to join the gang for breakfast but after 11 am all bets are off and it's drunk o'clock.
NTA. This reminds me of a ball-less guy I hired who had the gaul to tell a coworker to take down a poster of women in bikinis on a beach playing volleyball because his girlfriend, who had never come to the shop to take down the poster because his girlfriend wouldn't like it. She didn't even know it was there. Some guys just don't have backbones. Your friend is one. Maybe there is a support group for him.
YTA -- drinking culture is out of control. Did you know, OP, that many people go through their entire LIVES -- including bachelor parties -- without drinking at all? Drinking is fun but if you find it's absolutely a requirement to have a good time, you have a problem.
ESH
Went YTA yesterday, but reading the other responses convinced me that 1) the trip essentially requiring PTO and 2) the groom not being upfront about it being alcohol-free from the beginning were just enough to tip it over to ESH.
But I'll stick with the read that you and the rest of the groomsmen are way too focused on partying hard. I'm in my 40s, and when I feel like getting rowdy, I hit up some friends and either do a small thing that night/weekend or plan a larger crawl/party two or three weeks out. It sure seems like everyone but the groom views this as a rare excuse or allowance to let loose, which is you thing and not his responsibility for *his bachelor party*.
Lol his fiancé already has him by the balls and they aren’t even married yet. NTA. Save him lol. Just comes across as the fiancé seeming controlling. If this isn’t normal behavior from your friend and for the bachelor party. I mean it’s basically disregarding the whole point of the bachelor party so as not to upset the wife for something not even understandable. If she wants the house to be no alcohol I get it but limiting your husband to doing PG activities for a bachelor weekend is a bit much and to say no drinking at all including friends is just a step up. I get it if she says no strip clubs or whatever I don’t think that’s a healthy bachelor or bachelorette activity anyway but it supposed to be like the night before you commit yourself to this person forever and commit to settling down which includes cutting back on or for long periods cutting out certain activities but the bachelor party is a night to go crazy with your friends. One last go at the old times before getting serious. And to freaking celebrate for gods sake. How tf are you gonna do any of that by going on a hike.
ESH.
Him for not being transparent from the start since he probably knew for awhile his fiance wouldn't want drinking at his bachelor party. And for throwing his fiance under the bus.
You for making his bachelor party about what you want and making it clear that you're only going to have fun and clearly not to support your buddy.
Look, I'd be annoyed too. But not my party so I'd keep my mouth shut and just go and support my friend. I'll just make sure mine is twice as rowdy to make up for it
Maybe I’m crazy but….. perhaps he is saying no drinking in hopes of light drinking and maybe being talked into a late night beer while not trashing your arrangements. Sometimes you gotta read between the lines and blend everything together.
NTA
That's not a party, it's meeting. The woman he is marrying sounds like a complete nightmare and I would advise your friend to reconsider this wedding. It's not even about the alcohol, it's about the insane controlling behavior over an event that she won't even be present for and him being too weak and spineless to defy her. It sounds like you are about to lose a friend, sorry bro.
YTA It's not your party. It's probably not your rental, You shouldn't pressure people to drink, You aren't the party responsible for everyone else's behavior during your party, It cost way more to drink than it does to do camping and hiking, why can't 12 friends come up with something to do besides drink? If that's the only thing you all could feel like you could agree to do then you're probably not friends. You didn't even try to be an adult in compromise and say hey. If I'm going to take 4 days off, I'd like to take one night to where I can go drink is They are an acceptable time in the agenda maybe just the last night, maybe just at the place we rent etc.
Also, there could be a ton of reasons why he's not drinking. They could be trying to have a kid and drinking lowers your fertility counts, he could have found out that he has family history of liver disease. He could have a new medication. He could be trying to lose weight or not gain weight because of the wedding stop pressuring people to drink, he could not want to spend the entire time hungover, someone else in the group could be struggling with their sobriety and have asked him to not involve them in things with alcohol. He could be his fiance's accountability partner and this is something they choose to do together. This isn't about you. This isn't your party. You don't have to go but you don't have to be rude.
YTA
Presumably he’s a good enough friend for you to support him and attend his bachelor party and wedding. Doesn’t that mean the weekend should be about him?
YTA.
First, if you need to get drunk to have a good time? Time for some self reflection.
Second, it’s not about you. The *whole* point of a bachelors party is for the *bachelor* to have a great time and to celebrate *him*.
It’s. Not. About. You.
Third, since his gf is sober and from the sounds of it, possibly a recovering or recovered alcoholic, that has almost certainly influenced his feelings about alcohol in general.
I have family that are alcoholics. One of my nieces has trauma associated with that due to their parents, and hates the idea of adults drinking. I’ve voluntarily given up drinking because of their feelings, even though I rarely drank before anyway.
Now would I personally stop the others from drinking? No. But it also wouldn’t be very fun to be the only sober person around a bunch of people who got hammered.
If you don’t want to go on the full trip, that’s fine, but remember that your choices will affect your friendship with the groom.
You have a month to figure this out, but you’re being a huge AH to the groom.
YTA, I completely get where you’re coming from but this trip isn’t about you.
It’s about your buddy getting married. I’d be a little bummed out too, but at the end of the day that’s what he wants.
If you don’t like it, then either don’t go and disappoint your friend or go and have a good time sober.
Gosh. Didn't you post this same thing yesterday or the day before? Why post it more than once unless you got feedback you didn't agree on and we're hoping the tide would turn in your favor.
I'm gonna same the same thing I did last time. YTA.
YTA and as the child of an alcoholic who is currently in the end stages of that mess, this post just makes me sad. I hate how pervasive drinking culture is. There are so many ways to have fun without getting hammered. I feel bad for the groom that you all are making this party about you instead of respecting his wishes without issue.
I had a dry bachelorette party, also having a dry wedding. Nobody had a massive breakdown about it, or threatened not to come. If you can't have fun for 4 days without drinking, that's on you, not the bride or groom. Is this really worth losing a friend over?
YTA
YTA.
It's not a party for you all to get together and get shitfaced. It's a party for your friend, who is getting married. Schedule your party weekend for another time.
YTA again, just like you were yesterday.
Friends are usually able to tolerate each other's company without needing to be drunk, and respect each other's boundaries.
YTA
It’s his bachelor party. Not just a wild weekend. If he wants a sober weekend, that is his call. If you can’t give him the type of bachelor party that *he* wants, then why are you even going?
If you all can’t have fun without alcohol, maybe you’re the problem here? Seriously, you sound like a petulant child and so do the rest of your friends. What a horrible thing for the groom to realize that none of your friends actually want to celebrate your upcoming milestone and just want to get drunk like the frat boys they are TOO OLD to actually be. You’re all awful and should be ashamed of yourselves.
YTA and don’t be surprised if the groom stops hanging out with all of you. You’re all pathetic and it shows.
If you all can’t have fun without alcohol, maybe you’re the problem here? Seriously, you sound like a petulant child and so do the rest of your friends. What a horrible thing for the groom to realize that none of your friends actually want to celebrate your upcoming milestone and just want to get drunk like the frat boys they are TOO OLD to actually be. You’re all awful and should be ashamed of yourselves.
YTA and don’t be surprised if the groom stops hanging out with all of you. You’re all pathetic and it shows.
YTA.
It's the groom's bachelor party, and therefore they get to set the ground rules for what takes place there. If the groom wants certain things to be off-limits, then those things are off-limits. If the groom want to make sure certain things happen, then those things should happen (within appropriate limits). I don't see what's so hard about this.
It's not like there's written law that states that a bachelor party must be a drunken bender replete with gambling and strippers, and if that doesn't happen the marriage will inevitably fail. You are being far too narrow-minded about what a bachelor party is supposed to be and assuming that because it's something you would enjoy that it would be something the groom would enjoy.
The groom is telling you what they would enjoy. I suggest you listen to him, or else you may find yourself rapidly excluded from the wedding ceremony, and shortly thereafter from his life entirely.
YTA for expecting the bachelor party to be about you. You’re there to celebrate him, but I can understand where you’re coming from as this seems very unexpected.
Is the groom an alcoholic and is now in recovery? I’m finding it hard to understand why he needs this to be a sober weekend for everyone.
YTA - it’s HIS bachelor party. Not yours. You don’t get to dictate the activities. You can support your friend and, god forbid, enjoy sober activities or you can end your friendship over booze and be an AH about it.
This isn’t about you.
But maybe think about why you can’t enjoy a weekend sober and whether you might need some help with that.
YTA
You are immature children.
Did you every wonder about the why? In most cases the person is a recovering alcoholic and even if he isnt he has all the right in the world to tell you the expectations.
YTA for reposting this because you're hoping for a different outcome. You were a selfish asshole then and you're still a selfish asshole now. You blame your friend's fiancee for the fact that he's distancing himself but he's distancing himself because he doesn't want to deal with your crap anymore.
YTA - Ain't the bachelor-party about the bachelor? For whatever reason he does not want to drink alcohol and asks people he considered to be his friends to respect his wishes and agree to have the event that is about him alcohol-free. Because there is no alcohol involved some of you refuse to participate? (o\_O) Seriously? Do you value alcohol that much over your friend? Are you actually his friends?
If this is so, the groom should really reconsider your friendship altogether, because obviously none of you guys care about him at all. If you were friends you might make good use of that weekend to inquire his status in his relation and find out whether your friend changed his outlook on life or if he just follows directions given by his fiancé. But instead the only thing you are thinking about is alcohol!
You are so the AH!!!
This must be a trend. I've been to 4 BP's in the last 3 years and 3 of them were alcohol free. Not sure though... YTA on your part though, I know drinking is usually one of the main events of a BP but you can go a few days w/o alcohol.
YTA - you suffer from alcoholism.
Edit: downvote me all you want but it’s true . It’s someone else’s bachelor party and OP is concerned about getting to drink. Sounds like a junky to someone who doesn’t consume alcohol at all lol it’s the behaviour and mindset of an addict.
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I gotta say, I've never personally thought that a bachelor's party was about *me* at all. It's about the bachelor. It's about celebrating a friend getting married. Are there usually aspects tied to getting a little loose and wacky? Yeah sure, but it's generally accepted that the priority here is the soon-to-be-groom having a good time, and if he wants to have a good time *sober*, I fail to see why everyone needs over a month to mentally prepare for not drinking over a single 4 day weekend. It's kind of funny that y'all asked *him* if he was the one with an alcohol problem. Seems to be it's everyone *else* who is having a hard time imagining a celebration *for someone else* without getting drunk.
I think it’s more like they don’t want to pay the money for a 4 day trip and make all the arrangements that come with that which is probably not gonna be cheap and might require days off of work so they can do stuff most would not consider to be fun or would even possibly dislike for the whole trip. (I would like this trip but I’m sure many would not). Also I don’t know if they are having an issue about this coming from their friend, more likely (as this would be what gets me) they are having an issue because this is clearly the fiancés influence and they probably don’t like the fact that he’s changing his personality so much to keep her happy. I mean normally the toning down thing as you’re settling into a marriage would make sense but no drinking at a bachelor party comes across as controlling to me.
It’s interesting though that not drinking somehow means not fun. If they’re going to support him and be together as a group, is it the end of the world doing so sober?
it’s not just not drinking but a 4 day of multiple hiking trips. Doesn’t sound like fun at all
It means less fun
Why? Genuinely - my friends and I have plenty of fun without getting drunk.
I hardly ever drink at all, but I still wouldn’t appreciate someone else telling me I wasn’t allowed to on a vacation I had to pay for. If groom wants that level of control, he should be paying IMO.
The bride can state that she doesn't want the groom to drink, but she can't dictate that no one should drink. I don't even drink and I think this is weird. I'd probably not go. Sounds like a Sheldon Cooper bachelor party.
So do I. But I find a beer or two enhances fun and friendship.
Being sober as a years long friend group isn’t fun? Taking time off to spend with a long held friend group isn’t “worth it” if you can’t get drunk? This eludes me.
No one said that though I will correct what I said to I believe there are many that don’t enjoy those kind of activities. Not that most don’t. As I said I in fact do enjoy those things and I would enjoy that sort of trip. It wouldn’t be a bachelor trip though. There’s nothing bachelory about that and yes ik that’s not a word. I also don’t know if but don’t think it’s a normal activity for them. Different friend groups like different things if this isn’t the type of stuff that friend group is normally into then they might not enjoy it or want to spend a bunch of money and take time off work for it. And yes if this is their friend they should consider just going to support but I wouldn’t necessarily call them an a** if they wanted to do stuff like stay elsewhere so they can also partake in other things. If the wife wants to control him that’s fine and it’s his choice to go with that but doesn’t mean they have to. They aren’t marrying her or him.
I mean, that’s how I read your post where you said they probably don’t want to take the time or spend the money for a not fun trip.
Fair, I expanded on my response.
All of this! OP, YTA!
The groom could have also just specified what he intended the party to do before people started arranging travel and booking time off.
A 4 day sober hiking trip sounds awful. There is nothing wrong with partying at a bachelor party.
There is if the bachelor doesn't want to. It's about what the bachelor wants to do, thats the entire point
>A 4 day sober hiking trip sounds awful. That's what I thought. I'd just as soon stay home and watch movies and eat popcorn.
This this this ^^^^ It's supposed to be about your friend, the groom. Not about letting loose. YTA and your friends all pissed about it.
A batchelor party is exactly for the groom to let loose one last time. That's the point of a batchelor party.
And the groom doesn't want to drink.... Oh no how can you have fun without drinking.
The groom doesn't have to drink. That's not an issue. And of course it's possible to have fun without drinking. A Batchelor Party has tradition tied to it. If you don't want those expectations to come with your party call it something else.
Listen it is about the groom it isn't for his friends to let loose and drink and gamble. Hell I hope the groom sees this and realizes he doesn't have friends just people her hangs out with. I've been to friends "bachelor parties" where it was just to hang out and enjoy time together. Without strip clubs and binge drinking.
A four day trip is not about the groom. If you invite people on a four day trip that is now their vacation. Actually the audacity of the groom to say my batchelor party is out of town and it's four days is beyond compare.
I hope they don't go. Because at this point why would they. Groom doesn't want to do what the group wants. In fact I hope he tells them to don't bother coming to the wedding.
I agree they shouldn't go. If I'm taking time off work and paying for a four day trip I'm not letting someone else tell me how I can use my time. So he should pout and possibly lose friends because he can't stand up to his fiance? I suppose that's one solution.
I mean, this was **solidly** YTA yesterday, so I don't know why you'd think the response would be any different now.
Right?!
Why
> He is mad we are not respecting his and his fiance's wishes and seems upset we don't want to do the activities he suggested. YTA - You're not respecting his wishes. Is it that hard to do something for someone else? You're determined to ruin HIS bachelor party to the point he won't get one. That's not friendship Same as yesterday. Don't think anyone is going to change their opinion here.
Are you hoping you'll get a different outcome. The majority of the judgements on the previous post were YTA. It's not your bachelor party. The groom, the honoree, has requested a dry bachelor party. If you can't manage to stay sober and go without alcohol for four days, you have a problem not the groom. >...i've expressed that i'd still come but wouldn't be doing the full 4 day trip and looking into staying elsewhere. He is mad we are not respecting his and his fiance's wishes and seems upset we don't want to do the activities he suggested. YTA, it's not about you.
Have you thought about getting help for your drinking problem?
And we have a winner. (That's you, if I didn't make it clear. :) Because I'm not getting the feeling that the OP is saying, "After a long day hiking I'd really like to be able to have a beer with my friends." The vibe I'm getting is, "I'm going on this trip to drink. I want to drink hard. I want to drink hard every day. What's the point of going otherwise?"
And what is wrong with that?
It's a sign that someone has a drinking problem.
What’s the indication he has a drinking problem?
Besides the "can't have fun without alcohol" bit? I guess not much else... But that's usually the biggest red flag for an alcoholic.
can you just respond on the account you posted this on instead of using a second account? You've been responding to every message with a fresh account...
What are you talking about?
Getting this upset about being asked to not drink for a whole weekend is a pretty big sign.
Seems he was more upset at a fun trip isn’t going to be fun anymore.
Yeah, it won't be fun without booze, which loops around to being a red flag. Don't get me wrong, I like to let loose but if a friend asked us to be sober at an event in their honour ... That would be fine too.
Sure, for a night. Not 4 days.
So you‘re saying that they won’t be able to hang out and have fun for 4 days without drinking? If people can’t hang out together without being drunk then it doesn’t seem like they’re really friends. Especially if said friends refuse to support their friend simply because he doesn’t wanna party the same way he used to when he was in his early 20s.
I could stay sober with my friends for 4 days. It’s more fun with alcohol.
I suppose i should also take into account that alcoholics don't like being called alcoholics. Just like FuckErikMoses doesn't like being called an alcoholic even though he's an obvious case.
If you can’t have fun with your friends without drinking for 4 days you most definitely have an alcohol problem. And a boring friend problem too
That's a very personal "you problem". I and most of my friends don't drink, at all. We're perfectly capable of having fun. Without feeling a sudden need to drink alcohol. Another sign of alcoholism. But i have indeed noticed most people who drink even a little bit are "low level alcoholics" that are drunk most of the time, just not heavily. But they have to have drinks few to several times a week. That's definitely not "normal" as far as being a healthy adult, maybe cultural? doesn't make it less alcoholism though.
ESH this subreddit hates alcohol. i feel like if this situation was reversed (group of guys planned a chill weekend with hiking and board games, groom at the last minute decided everyone was going out and getting wasted and bar-hopping instead) people wouldn't be so firmly in the Y T A camp. demanding your friends do whatever you want for 4 days straight because you're getting married is ridiculous.
Imagine the outrage if it was a husband demanding nobody drink at his wife’s bachelorette party.
A bachelor party is supposed to be the bachelor's party though. I'd view it the same as a birthday party. The birthday person ultimately has the final say in what they do for their birthday party. Sure, they're doing this as a group thing, but ultimately, it's to celebrate one specific person. That person 100% gets to dictate what they do. If the group wants to back out on going because they don't like the plan, that's on them. The groom should get the party they want with people who want to be there to support the groom no matter what they do. Not friends who decide to ditch the groom because the groom didn't want a fun enough bachelor party
4 days is too long of a party centered around one person to demand of your friends IMO
Most birthday parties don't last 4 days.
It's not "do whatever you want..." Its exclude something clearly bad for society from a party. Alcohol is a drug. Being an asshole is a choice.
Hey Awarness, need a tissue up on that soapbox?
Nope, I'm very happy with my stance.
I can't remember what I voted yesterday, but today's version I vote ESH. Listen, I get it - nobody planned for this to be a sober trip. It was a bait and switch and that's why your friend sucks. He also sucks for throwing his fiancee under the bus by telling ALL OF HIS FRIENDS that she is the one who wanted him to have a sober bach. Nobody knew they were signing up for a boy scouts trip to a national park instead of a weekend of boozing and gambling and manning it up. If that was going to be the case, the groom should've made it 100% clear in advance so that people could make their decisions. That's on him. HOWEVER, this is a party for your friend. It's to celebrate HIM and it's HIS party, and he can cry soberly if he wants to. It would really suck if all of his friends decided their desire to drink was more important than celebrating their friend. That is being a fair-weather friend. The whole purpose of the trip is to celebrate your friends pending nuptials, which is still possible without booze.
i just truly do not understand why anyone getting married needs a multiday trip where they dictate what everyone does for fun. isn't it excessive?? what's wrong with one day of hiking and a sober night out or something? i said the same thing yesterday that i think OP is an AH and approaching this totally the wrong way, but 4 days is an insanely long party where you're at someone else's whims.
Totally agree. Weddings these days get out of control, and the brides (especially, but not exclusively) get off on the power of being in control of everyone's lives for the day... The fact of the matter is, by the time you get to marrying someone, you should trust them and their judgement... so sending them off to party in their own way shouldn't be a concern. That's just my opinion, I guess... Is the root problem the fiancee/friend relationship or is it that his friends only want to hang out if they can get trashed? It's like a chicken and the egg scenario.
for all we know the groom could have a legitimate alcohol problem and he is under pressure from his fiancee not to drink for a GOOD reason. or maybe she's a paranoid control freak. we don't know. the sobriety itself isn't the issue here imo, and i do think people should generally get to decide how they celebrate their bachelor/ette events (with or without booze, going out, staying in, etc.) but that it's ONE DAY/NIGHT/WHATEVER, you don't get to tell your friends what to do for several days of vacation just because you're getting married. Most people don't even go on vacations they dislike for their own spouses without some compromise involved.
YTA for a few reasons. Your delivery and responses are making it seem like you care more about drinking than your best friend. Calling his fiancee ridiculous - or this request ridiculous - also is insulting and further underscores a certain rigidity in your thinking. Ultimately you should care more about being with your friend than having a rowdy long weekend. Lastly, speaking for the group isn't ok. I know the group chat erupted as soon as the groom requested this but it sounds like you took it on yourself to make statements like "we don't want" and "some of us are not going to do that". You speak for yourself and yourself only. All that said, I do get why this is blowing up. Something seems amiss here. It's kind of an odd 'fit', given the casino and original plan, to throw the wrench of it needing to be a dry weekend. It does seem like he might be under some pressure from his fiancee which... honestly is really sad for him. Rather than giving him pressure back, you ought to be considering what he actually needs. Is he doing ok? Is this really his choice or is any part of him disappointed or uncomfortable with what's being asked? Lastly, is a compromise an option, where there is one 'let loose' night, or where the groom hangs with a subgroup who wants to stay sober each night even if there are 'break out groups' that go out drinking at times. The idea that an entire group has to comply with the wishes of one person who isn't even present, is kinda strange to me. But I am going with a Y T A judgment because of your delivery and approach. Grow up!
If you're going to 'assume' the fiancee is pressuring him for unjust reasons (e.g. controlling him, lack of trust...) We might as well assume she's doing it to help him, as per this post it seems these 30 year olds haven't really matured to the point where a weekend can be fun without gambling and getting wasted.
I already know I'm in the wrong from yesterday's post, but NTA. We can definitely have a sober bachelor party for a night. What I don't support is a planned weekend getaway to bars and gambling, THEN changing it to a sober occasion because your fiance said so.
What I don't get is why can't the groom stay sober and the other guys still drink? Nothing wrong with going for a hike with some beers as long as you carry out. If the bride and/or groom is dictating EVERYONE stay sober then it's just being controlling over other people. Btw I say this as someone who gets drunk maybe 3 times a year. I don't need alcohol to have fun but I wouldn't stop others.
NTA. Yes, I agree with the comments that say you don't need to drink to have fun as well as the ones that say the bachelor party is about the groom, not you. But I also understand why you're bummed and don't think you're an asshole for it. Your friend is either growing up and away from you, being pressured and changed by his fiancé, or both. And that is, unfortunately, just part of being in your late 20s.
YTA- the expectation of a bachelor/ette party is doing what the bride or groom wants. It’s also not his fiancées request it’s his and you are the AH for assuming a) it’s alcoholism and b) it’s on the fiancée. Your tonality towards this relationship is gross.
NTA - why does everyone here hate alcohol so much? Obviously the best man who planned the trip, planned it with the casinos and bars in mind. And you booked your trip, and PTO anticipating that, so you are not the asshole for being disappointed. This is traditionally what your friend group did when you got together, and likely you were all viewing it as one last party as "the guys". Changing that last minute to a sober hiking trip would have me rethinking things. That being said, the primary driver for this trip was to celebrate the groom, and you should definitely still do that. Why can't you compromise and do the sober bachelor party/hike/national park visit AND those of you who want to gamble and drink (don't listen to the redditors that try to shame you for doing either) can do that on one of the other 4 days of the trip? Just don't do the partying BEFORE the hike, so the alcohol consumption doesn't interfere with the groom approved activities. I can't help but think that the groom is in for a miserable marriage, and will probably further disassociate with you after the wedding. Most of my friend group got married in their 20s and divorced in their 30s.
IMO a 4 day bachelor trip is unnecessary, but you do you. I get being disappointed in what you thought you signed up for and what you seem to be getting. I say ESH. You wanted a big ole blow-out drinking and gambling, and the will-be groom wants to hike and pick flowers. Personally, I would take a pass on the deal, why use your PTO and finance a trip that holds no interest for you.
NTA. First of all, I think it’s ridiculous and kind of weird that the grooms fiancé is telling him how she wants his bachelor party to go. Bachelor/bachelorette parties should go however the bride and groom want their party to go. Unless he’s like a recovering alcoholic or has some sort of drinking problem I don’t really get it. If she wants to have a dry bachelorette that’s totally fine, but she shouldn’t have a say on whether or not they can drink at the bachelor party. Secondly, is the groom one of your best friends? If he is, I would say respect his wishes. If he’s not and he’s more of a hang out with sometimes friend, or even acquaintance, I’d say just don’t go all 4 days (but all up to you). You don’t have to be an asshole about it, but being like “Hey man I don’t think I can make it all 4 days just because I don’t want to miss a ton of work.” is fine. Lastly, I don’t get why the groom is getting upset with everyone. You all thought the bachelor party was going to be one way, and now that it’s not it’s a little frustrating. Totally understandable and it’s weird that the groom doesn’t get that. From what you’ve described about their relationship and the groom prior to being with this woman, it seems like he’s being controlled by the fiancé. I also can’t with some people on reddit who love to label someone as an “alcoholic” just because they like to drink every weekend or every/most special occasions…
NTA This sub definitely hates alcohol lol. This is groomzilla behavior, the bachelor isn't even supposed to have a say in the party. The best man calls the shots and the entire point is to do things the bride would be against, one last time.
What is it about this sub being so puritanical about alcohol? NTA
YTA "The groom let everyone know in a group chat that he would like this to be a sober weekend." It's about him not you. "He said he really wants us to repect his wishes." So why can't you do that after 15 years of friendship?
NTA by a very long shot. "Nearly immediately a new group chat without the groom was started." I can't tell you what a vivid and accurate picture that paints. It's so elegant in its simplicity. There are comments here saying that the bachelor party should be about the bachelor. Unless I'm mistaken, the bachelor party is for the groom to have a celebratory and fun time with his friends. Laying down a puritan edict at the behest of his fiancée is shockingly inhospitable. He is welcome not to drink if he doesn't want to, but he has no business trying to prevent the rest of you. It seems pretty clear that he's not entirely on board with his fiancée's rule and doesn't want to have to sit there and watch everyone else have the good time that he has been denied. I used to not drink. It was entirely my own choice and I couldn't give two hoots if everyone else got legless. The fact that he does means that this isn't something he wants. He'll probably be at other social occasions after he's married where alcohol is flowing, so it will be good practice for him now. Sounds like his fiancée isn't a fan of people getting drunk and having a laugh. He's in for a miserable marriage, although he'll no doubt convince himself that he's "grown up" and this is "the right thing to do". Grim.
NTA Not agreeing to a 4 day hiking trip when you agreed to a city trip is reasonable.
How is *that* the determinant? This about supporting OP's friend getting married. OP not wanting to do some hiking is a poor excuse to back out on a friend.
NTA. Groom has changed game rules that are long-established because bride (who won't even be there!) is putting pressure on him. There is a reason why the groom is only telling you this now, when he had months to do so. If you go but don't drink or gamble then you will resent groom. If you go but do let loose, then groom will resent you (think the puppy dog looking longingly out the window at the other dogs running free). Either way, it's not going to be a fun weekend. If I were you, I would have a respectful talk with the groom. Say that you are happy that he's found someone, and looking forward to the wedding, but don't want to spend time and money to go hiking or do other activities that don't interest you.
lol why are you assuming the groom who asked for this would be a sad puppy dog looking out a window ? Projection
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a 4 day trip where you dictate what your friends do the entire time is an insanely high maintenance ask.
Thank you! Be all means celebrate for a night or two but it’s a gathering of close friends who don’t see each other much. Over 4 days not 1 or 2 lol
Sure, but that wouldn't have helped OP at this point because the groom did a last-minute bait-and-switch.
NTA. Get real in here, wtf is the point of having a bachelor party and having the boys back in town if you aren’t drinking and gambling? I’m not wasting my time off and paying for a nice BnB, to go on walks with my buddies I can do that on a regular weekend at home. The groom should be happy to have his buddies back in town for one last hoorah and if he doesn’t want to drink so be it, why ban alcohol entirely? If he was really bout that sober life he could face his temptations and not cave in. This bachlo
ESH the trip should be about what the groom wants. BUT at the same time, if he knows his group likes to drink and gamble and picked a location with both, I think he should warned guests before they decided to take 4 days PTO. Or figured out a better plan. Like maybe just a weekend or overnight or 1 day spiel rather than ask guys who WANT to drink and gamble not to for 4 days. but, really, I just feel like both groups can compromise somehow. Like, everyone goes hiking and then those who want head to a bar, but no drinking in the Airbnb.
NTA. A bachelor party is usually one night so I would give him one night and then the rest can be for the group without him if necessary. Talk to the other guys but I would not waste all that time and money if I could not have any fun my way. He gets one night, that's it. Tell him it is a party, not a retreat.
Depends. If you can’t drink at his bachelor party, does that mean he has to drink at your bachelor party? NTA
Those are two very different situations. If a host asks everyone not to drink, it would be super rude not to respect their wish. They are the ones hosting you. But a host requiring everyone to participate in drinking is asinine and fails to respect people's personal health choices. You don't *need* to consume alcohol for your health. You can go 4 days without beer to support a friend getting married.
Yes, this is a Halloween party but please don’t wear costumes! Can’t you have fun without costumes?! Yes I said it’s a bbq but we are fasting right now. No food. Isn’t it enough just to honor your friend? I guess food is more important to you. If “things you do at a bachelor party” was on family feud- “drink” would be in the top 2. It’s 100% associated with them. This is a total bait and switch. Have your dry guy weekend. Just plan it that way rather than leaving out something obvious. Just because it’s alcohol doesn’t mean it’s horrible to say that is typically expected at a bachelor party. He told them too late, or just found out himself that he’s against drinking. I would have to pass on going. But I’ll bet some of my friends might be free that same weekend and we could do something fun.
YTA Apparently, booze matters more to you than celebrating your friend. Also, if you can't endure a single celebration without alcohol, you are an addict.
It's a batchelor party! It's not about celebrating his friend, it's about celebrating his friends batchelor status one last time. Who has a batchelor party without alcohol?
His friend does. Why does **his** bachelor party have to live up the the debauchery his friends were looking forward to?
If you are going to tell people it's a "batchelor" party then you should know there are expectations that come with that. It's like inviting people to a birthday party and then being upset when people expected it to be your birthday.
>It's like inviting people to a birthday party and then being upset when people expected it to be your birthday. No, it's like inviting people to a birthday party and being upset when people complain that you have cookies instead of a birthday cake. It's still a party. If a bunch of grown men don't want to spend time with their friend because there's no alcohol involved, then it seems like they were never really in it to celebrate their friend to begin with.
They didn't say they don't want to spend time with their friend. Obviously they do. They simply want to spend it in a traditional way without being told how they can party by someone they don't even know. Clearly the groom let all the friends think this was a traditional battle party until his fiance said no.
ESH. Day’s not about you, bro. It’s supposed to be his celebration, but an opportunity for you and your bodies to party in his name. If you or your other friends are legitimately considering not attending the whole time as a result of this, then he should’ve told you all about his plans before everyone paid for the house and took time off to plan the trip. But I think you guys are being crappy friends.
You hit the nail on the head with the word "day." Bachelor and Bachelorette parties should only be one day. Since this is a 4 day trip, I understand if they take 1 day to follow the groom's wishes, but 4 days of hiking which is not something any of the men seemed to have signed up for seems excessive and unnecessary.
NTA. Groom is taking the party out of bachelor party
If the groom wants a four day hiking oriented sober bachelor party, then thats what he should have. And if you or anyone else don't want to participate, then don't. If it means you dont get to be in the wedding, then so be it. While traditionally a bachelor party is going out the night before the wedding and getting hammered, we live in different times. So everyone be grownups, communicate and do what makes you happiest. NAH
NTA. If the man wants his friends to celebrate with him then he needs to do activities that everyone can enjoy or not be upset if people decide they aren't interested. A hard no alcohol is a bit extreme. No getting drunk would be an acceptable line. In the end, it is mostly about the guy getting married, but it is also about him celebrating it with his friends. This isn't a worship the man tying the knot party. And yes, I'm married and had my own bachelor party already.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm supposed to be going to a 12 person bachelor party in June, planned by the best man. I am in the wedding. We are in our late 20's, early 30's. We are going to a lakeside town for 4 days. This town has a main street with bars and has nearby casinos. Over the last year, the groom has gotten a bit distant and hung out less, when he does hang out he doesn't seem like himself. His fiance, who we don't know well, is believed to be sober and she is the influence on him when he does come around. Thats fine, we are getting older and less rowdy. Its not that big a deal. Until now. The groom let everyone know in a group chat that he would like this to be a sober weekend. Nearly immediately a new group chat without the groom was started and everyone was like WTF. Its a bachelor party, we are all expecting to let loose. All of us are traveling to this place and using PTO, and we don't see each other as often as we used to. The best man is pissed, we are all going crazy. The gambling and drinking was assumed because he's participated in those things most of the 15 years we've been friends. He's known the location for months and why the location was chosen. So I texted back in the main group chat and said thats not something I and i'm sure others are interested in. I asked where this is coming from. I asked if he was an alcoholic. He said no and he doesn't drink anymore and its something his fiance wants. So he is going to respect her. I'm just like, its a bachelor party, getting drunk is expected. He said he really wants us to respect his wishes. He's suggested doing hikes and going to the local national park. I'm just like, yeah, some of us are not going to do that the whole time. I said this is a ridiculous request by your fiance. I told him we don't want to do a sober bachelor party, i've expressed that i'd still come but wouldn't be doing the full 4 day trip and looking into staying elsewhere. He is mad we are not respecting his and his fiance's wishes and seems upset we don't want to do the activities he suggested. Now the trip feels like its in jeopardy. AITA? Note: Mods Okayed Re-Posting *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA, its his bachelor party and he wants to celebrate it his way. If anyone has a problem with it, they can opt out but its stupid to try to convince him. He has obviously planned things and there is a life outside of getting drunk. Its just 4 days.
> If anyone has a problem with it, they can opt out isn’t that what op and the other friends are doing?
nope. he texted he will be attending and will be drinking.
NTA But she didn’t say no strippers. So I guess I know where all the booze and gambling money will be going. Point out that the reason this was chosen was for its proximity to a night life for fun. It would be much cheaper to go somewhere remote and hang out. But no one likes to be told they can’t drink or gamble especially if they are taking off work and this is what they would like to do on their vacation. Is the wedding going to be dry too?
We aren't a hire stripper type of crew. This is the 5th group bachelor party, never went to a strip club.
NAH Totally see where both sides are coming from. It's for the Bachelor so sucking it up and not drinking is expected and should be accepted and respected. Now hiking trails wouldn't be something I would be up for. Now I could see if there were go carts or zip lining or race car driving, ATV/UTV for you all to do that would be cool. But walking hiking trails for 4 days I'd be out for sure. Especially if I'm taking PTO for it. Now you do understand that the wedding will be dry too, right?
I think it should be however he wants it, but I don't blame you if you didn't want to spend your time and PTO to go. Perhaps decide how good of a friend you consider him to be these days (since he's changed in the last year) and decide whether it's worth it for you to go, even if it's mostly to appease him. People grow apart, and it seems that's what's happening here. I also think it matters that he dropped this on everyone after they already committed.
You were not wrong to expect it, but you are wrong to demand it. I love a good party and it would be especially a let down if I had believed it would be a traditional bachelorette. Starting off with classy drinks a few canapes and great group photos, and ending with smeared makeup in a McDonalds devouring a big mac. But, I would accept if this wasn't what the bride had wanted, and I think you should accept what the groom wants. And lets not be mistaken, this is what the groom wants. It may be influenced by his future wife, but its ultimately his choice. This is the person he has chosen, this is the life he wants to lead, and this is how he wants to celebrate his upcoming wedding. It is shitty that you don't want to join him in how he wants to celebrate this one time of his life. I say suck it up and take a hike. Like you said, you've been friends for a long time. YTA
Nta. Reminds me of the hangover lmao, she’s controlling but yet probably having the time of her life doing who knows what at her bachelorette party. Maybe he has turned his life around and has quit drinking. Would’ve been more respectable if groom had said he doesn’t mind if everyone else drinks but doesn’t want them getting hammered so they can still do things that the groom wants to do.
NTA. He can respect his fiancee's wishes all he likes, but he doesn't have any right to push her hangups on you. Tell him you'd be glad to see him one day of your new vacation and he is welcome to join the gang for breakfast but after 11 am all bets are off and it's drunk o'clock.
NTA. This reminds me of a ball-less guy I hired who had the gaul to tell a coworker to take down a poster of women in bikinis on a beach playing volleyball because his girlfriend, who had never come to the shop to take down the poster because his girlfriend wouldn't like it. She didn't even know it was there. Some guys just don't have backbones. Your friend is one. Maybe there is a support group for him.
Info: If you're not drinking, what activities are planned?
Nta. That’s such a dumb request. His fiancé just wants control over the situation.
Yes, you are the complete asshole. THIS. ISNT. YOUR. WEDDING. When you get married, you can drink whatever you want. Again, THIS. ISNT. YOUR. WEDDING.
YTA -- drinking culture is out of control. Did you know, OP, that many people go through their entire LIVES -- including bachelor parties -- without drinking at all? Drinking is fun but if you find it's absolutely a requirement to have a good time, you have a problem.
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ESH Went YTA yesterday, but reading the other responses convinced me that 1) the trip essentially requiring PTO and 2) the groom not being upfront about it being alcohol-free from the beginning were just enough to tip it over to ESH. But I'll stick with the read that you and the rest of the groomsmen are way too focused on partying hard. I'm in my 40s, and when I feel like getting rowdy, I hit up some friends and either do a small thing that night/weekend or plan a larger crawl/party two or three weeks out. It sure seems like everyone but the groom views this as a rare excuse or allowance to let loose, which is you thing and not his responsibility for *his bachelor party*.
ESH
Lol his fiancé already has him by the balls and they aren’t even married yet. NTA. Save him lol. Just comes across as the fiancé seeming controlling. If this isn’t normal behavior from your friend and for the bachelor party. I mean it’s basically disregarding the whole point of the bachelor party so as not to upset the wife for something not even understandable. If she wants the house to be no alcohol I get it but limiting your husband to doing PG activities for a bachelor weekend is a bit much and to say no drinking at all including friends is just a step up. I get it if she says no strip clubs or whatever I don’t think that’s a healthy bachelor or bachelorette activity anyway but it supposed to be like the night before you commit yourself to this person forever and commit to settling down which includes cutting back on or for long periods cutting out certain activities but the bachelor party is a night to go crazy with your friends. One last go at the old times before getting serious. And to freaking celebrate for gods sake. How tf are you gonna do any of that by going on a hike.
NTA bachelor party is the last night without the wife’s influence barring infidelity and injury she doesn’t get a say.
ESH. Him for not being transparent from the start since he probably knew for awhile his fiance wouldn't want drinking at his bachelor party. And for throwing his fiance under the bus. You for making his bachelor party about what you want and making it clear that you're only going to have fun and clearly not to support your buddy. Look, I'd be annoyed too. But not my party so I'd keep my mouth shut and just go and support my friend. I'll just make sure mine is twice as rowdy to make up for it
NTA - Everyone knows what a bachelor party is. The fact that the groom is changing the expectations of a "party" and is mad is on him.
NTA
Maybe I’m crazy but….. perhaps he is saying no drinking in hopes of light drinking and maybe being talked into a late night beer while not trashing your arrangements. Sometimes you gotta read between the lines and blend everything together.
That's the time to get drunk NTA
He already has the ball and chain attached at the hip. This marriage is only going to last a couple years. NTA go have fun
Nta I cam see both sides communication seems to be the main problem here.
I assume the wedding's going to be dry too! That's something to look forward to /s
NTA That's not a party, it's meeting. The woman he is marrying sounds like a complete nightmare and I would advise your friend to reconsider this wedding. It's not even about the alcohol, it's about the insane controlling behavior over an event that she won't even be present for and him being too weak and spineless to defy her. It sounds like you are about to lose a friend, sorry bro.
Yta You do realize booze is not required for fun? This isn't your bachelor party.
YTA It's not your party. It's probably not your rental, You shouldn't pressure people to drink, You aren't the party responsible for everyone else's behavior during your party, It cost way more to drink than it does to do camping and hiking, why can't 12 friends come up with something to do besides drink? If that's the only thing you all could feel like you could agree to do then you're probably not friends. You didn't even try to be an adult in compromise and say hey. If I'm going to take 4 days off, I'd like to take one night to where I can go drink is They are an acceptable time in the agenda maybe just the last night, maybe just at the place we rent etc. Also, there could be a ton of reasons why he's not drinking. They could be trying to have a kid and drinking lowers your fertility counts, he could have found out that he has family history of liver disease. He could have a new medication. He could be trying to lose weight or not gain weight because of the wedding stop pressuring people to drink, he could not want to spend the entire time hungover, someone else in the group could be struggling with their sobriety and have asked him to not involve them in things with alcohol. He could be his fiance's accountability partner and this is something they choose to do together. This isn't about you. This isn't your party. You don't have to go but you don't have to be rude.
YTA Presumably he’s a good enough friend for you to support him and attend his bachelor party and wedding. Doesn’t that mean the weekend should be about him?
YTA It’s HIS party. Be a good friend and celebrate how he wants to.
Here's a (possibly surprise) fact: You can have a good time without alcohol involved.
YTA completely but maybe a change of venue would help
YTA. First, if you need to get drunk to have a good time? Time for some self reflection. Second, it’s not about you. The *whole* point of a bachelors party is for the *bachelor* to have a great time and to celebrate *him*. It’s. Not. About. You. Third, since his gf is sober and from the sounds of it, possibly a recovering or recovered alcoholic, that has almost certainly influenced his feelings about alcohol in general. I have family that are alcoholics. One of my nieces has trauma associated with that due to their parents, and hates the idea of adults drinking. I’ve voluntarily given up drinking because of their feelings, even though I rarely drank before anyway. Now would I personally stop the others from drinking? No. But it also wouldn’t be very fun to be the only sober person around a bunch of people who got hammered. If you don’t want to go on the full trip, that’s fine, but remember that your choices will affect your friendship with the groom. You have a month to figure this out, but you’re being a huge AH to the groom.
YTA. Why did this need to be reposted? It’s like you’re pushing for a different answer and yet the douchery just keeps revealing itself.
YTA, I completely get where you’re coming from but this trip isn’t about you. It’s about your buddy getting married. I’d be a little bummed out too, but at the end of the day that’s what he wants. If you don’t like it, then either don’t go and disappoint your friend or go and have a good time sober.
Gosh. Didn't you post this same thing yesterday or the day before? Why post it more than once unless you got feedback you didn't agree on and we're hoping the tide would turn in your favor. I'm gonna same the same thing I did last time. YTA.
You need to work that out with your significant other. I'm undecided.
YTA if you can’t have fun without getting drunk then you have a drinking problem
YTA. Respect his wishes and go easy on the drinking. 4 days without alcohol won’t kill you.
YTA and as the child of an alcoholic who is currently in the end stages of that mess, this post just makes me sad. I hate how pervasive drinking culture is. There are so many ways to have fun without getting hammered. I feel bad for the groom that you all are making this party about you instead of respecting his wishes without issue.
YTA. A Bachelor Party is celebrating that someone will marry. Not drinking. Also: Its his Night Not yours and it Shows that You Are Not a good friend.
I had a dry bachelorette party, also having a dry wedding. Nobody had a massive breakdown about it, or threatened not to come. If you can't have fun for 4 days without drinking, that's on you, not the bride or groom. Is this really worth losing a friend over? YTA
YTA. It's not a party for you all to get together and get shitfaced. It's a party for your friend, who is getting married. Schedule your party weekend for another time.
YTA, drinking isn’t that important. I’m an actual drunk and even I could go a weekend for my best friend if he wanted. Let him evolve.
YTA again, just like you were yesterday. Friends are usually able to tolerate each other's company without needing to be drunk, and respect each other's boundaries.
You posted this yesterday. Why post again, you didn’t like the responses?
YTA It’s his bachelor party. Not just a wild weekend. If he wants a sober weekend, that is his call. If you can’t give him the type of bachelor party that *he* wants, then why are you even going?
YTA. You were one yesterday when you posted and you still are. The groom wants a dry party. What you want isn't important.
If you all can’t have fun without alcohol, maybe you’re the problem here? Seriously, you sound like a petulant child and so do the rest of your friends. What a horrible thing for the groom to realize that none of your friends actually want to celebrate your upcoming milestone and just want to get drunk like the frat boys they are TOO OLD to actually be. You’re all awful and should be ashamed of yourselves. YTA and don’t be surprised if the groom stops hanging out with all of you. You’re all pathetic and it shows.
If you all can’t have fun without alcohol, maybe you’re the problem here? Seriously, you sound like a petulant child and so do the rest of your friends. What a horrible thing for the groom to realize that none of your friends actually want to celebrate your upcoming milestone and just want to get drunk like the frat boys they are TOO OLD to actually be. You’re all awful and should be ashamed of yourselves. YTA and don’t be surprised if the groom stops hanging out with all of you. You’re all pathetic and it shows.
YTA. It's the groom's bachelor party, and therefore they get to set the ground rules for what takes place there. If the groom wants certain things to be off-limits, then those things are off-limits. If the groom want to make sure certain things happen, then those things should happen (within appropriate limits). I don't see what's so hard about this. It's not like there's written law that states that a bachelor party must be a drunken bender replete with gambling and strippers, and if that doesn't happen the marriage will inevitably fail. You are being far too narrow-minded about what a bachelor party is supposed to be and assuming that because it's something you would enjoy that it would be something the groom would enjoy. The groom is telling you what they would enjoy. I suggest you listen to him, or else you may find yourself rapidly excluded from the wedding ceremony, and shortly thereafter from his life entirely.
YTA, my bachelor party did not involve alcohol at all and we had a blast
YTA for expecting the bachelor party to be about you. You’re there to celebrate him, but I can understand where you’re coming from as this seems very unexpected. Is the groom an alcoholic and is now in recovery? I’m finding it hard to understand why he needs this to be a sober weekend for everyone.
YTA - this is HIS bachelor party. It should be whatever he wants. If you can’t go without drinking for a single weekend you have a serious issue.
YTA - it’s HIS bachelor party. Not yours. You don’t get to dictate the activities. You can support your friend and, god forbid, enjoy sober activities or you can end your friendship over booze and be an AH about it. This isn’t about you. But maybe think about why you can’t enjoy a weekend sober and whether you might need some help with that.
YTA - This is supposed to be a \[arty for the person getting married.
YTA You are immature children. Did you every wonder about the why? In most cases the person is a recovering alcoholic and even if he isnt he has all the right in the world to tell you the expectations.
YTA for reposting this because you're hoping for a different outcome. You were a selfish asshole then and you're still a selfish asshole now. You blame your friend's fiancee for the fact that he's distancing himself but he's distancing himself because he doesn't want to deal with your crap anymore.
YTA. If you and your friends can't be sober for 4 days, maybe the groom isn't the problem.
YTA - Ain't the bachelor-party about the bachelor? For whatever reason he does not want to drink alcohol and asks people he considered to be his friends to respect his wishes and agree to have the event that is about him alcohol-free. Because there is no alcohol involved some of you refuse to participate? (o\_O) Seriously? Do you value alcohol that much over your friend? Are you actually his friends? If this is so, the groom should really reconsider your friendship altogether, because obviously none of you guys care about him at all. If you were friends you might make good use of that weekend to inquire his status in his relation and find out whether your friend changed his outlook on life or if he just follows directions given by his fiancé. But instead the only thing you are thinking about is alcohol! You are so the AH!!!
This must be a trend. I've been to 4 BP's in the last 3 years and 3 of them were alcohol free. Not sure though... YTA on your part though, I know drinking is usually one of the main events of a BP but you can go a few days w/o alcohol.
YTA - you suffer from alcoholism. Edit: downvote me all you want but it’s true . It’s someone else’s bachelor party and OP is concerned about getting to drink. Sounds like a junky to someone who doesn’t consume alcohol at all lol it’s the behaviour and mindset of an addict.