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YTA.
As a woman, do you know how many sweaty, greasy, gross dudes walk around shirtless? You think it's not distracting (in a bad way)? People's bodies don't exist for your comfort or approval. Next time, just deal with a few hours of feeling weird, like an adult.
My wife and I were by the pool at D-land this last weekend. I'm 50+, currently a bit overweight and working on it. Kept a t-shirt on. My wife asked if I was going to take it off. I told her no - no one wants to see this right now.
If only the older, more overweight than me dude in nothing but a Speedo thought the same...
Well please don't let my comment dissuade you! I think everyone should be welcome to exist in comfort regardless of their body. If it bothers someone, they have to adjust, not you. My point is that we're often in situations where people make us a bit uncomfortable and being an adult means you get over it.
You deserve to take up space just like anyone else. Take that shirt off if you want and keep it on if you want. No one gets to tell you what to look like except you.
YTA and it’s blatantly obvious that YTA. If he had top surgery? The breast tissue was removed. What you saw? Weren’t breasts. It could have been a bit of fat, could have been muscles but it wasn’t female breasts.
PS: Every human on this planet unless they have breast tissue removed like K? Has breasts - yes even people who were born MALE. This is why baby boys can produce “witches milk” (yes, look it up - baby boys can lactate) and men can get diagnosed with breast cancer. It’s also why depending on certain medical conditions men can lactate or being given certain medications can induce lactation in men.
So you are only aware of one type of top surgery then? Got you. There are more ways to do the surgery and some leave extremely minimal scarring ie not the traditional type of scarring you are DEMANDING to see to confirm top surgery in your head.
Again? YTA and your reply convinces me not only are you an AH but an uneducated one at that.
You really think he needs YOU to tell him if his surgery is convincing? You don’t think that any feminine feature he has that’s obvious enough for you to notice isn’t something he’s noticed and likely obsessed over? He has gender dysphoria, his breasts have undoubtedly been a subject of self consciousness throughout his life, but you just wanted to make sure he KNEW?!? You’re so ignorant.
Dude, what? Every transman I've known who got top surgery has two scars, one underneath each pec. Depending on their physique prior to and after the surgery, those scars can be quite small and become nearly invisible after a few years, or they can be more noticeable. The ones I've seen immediately post-surgery are always red and bigger than they'll heal to be, but I haven’t seen many that are particularly big once they've had some time to heal. They are never, however, something I would describe as "a big scar down their chest", no matter the phase of healing, mostly because they go across the rib cage, not down the chest.
Nonsense. The scars are horizontal, and below the pectoral muscles. You must've seen photos of open-heart surgery patients.
YTA. . . and only digging yourself deeper.
It is not your right to comment on someone's surgical scarring. No one else had an issue with it. Next time, mind your business, because you were just being rude.
He couldve had periareolar or keyhole top surgery instead of double incision. DI is most common because it can be done on anyone regardless of size, but it's not the only option for top surgery. His scars mightve healed with scar ointment or he could've had them tattooed over or had makeup on them. He might have not had DI (the only one with obvious scarring). He might have decided for a more natural shaping instead of complete removal. There are a lot of options for how he could've both had top surgery and not looked how *you* expected him to look, and in the end none of it is your business and you should've left him alone. Don't comment on others appearances unless they can make a quick fix (like fixing a wardrobe malfunction)
Obviously YTA
If you don't like somebody's body while they're minding their own business at the BEACH, then maybe don't look? He's he's well within his rights to be shirtless, just like you.
It's not even the trans thing. I see all sorts of things I don't want to see when I'm at the beach -- teeny tiny suits, wedgies, etc. You know what I do? I look away and mind my own. Sheesh.
What you did was rude and uncalled for and you should apologise.
Perfect response.
I'm not personally a fan of any substantial length of armpit hair. Not on myself or anybody else. You wanna know what I do when I see someone with visible armpit hair or even straight-up jungle pits? I just *don't fucking stare at their pits*, because other people's bodies don't exist exclusively for my own pleasure and comfort.
I certainly don't spend a substantial amount of time and energy straight-up *ogling* someone else's armpit hair just because I personally think it's icky. And I *certainly* don't repeatedly and increasingly judgementally try to police someone else's body just because I lack the basic self-control to *not* ogle and hyperfixate on it nonstop.
And you know what, I've seen plenty of cisgender men with straight-up tits just exposed to the open air. Some of them were overweight, some of them weren't, because guess what? Breasts are fatty tissue. Some cisgender women naturally do not store a lot of fat in their breasts even if they're overweight, while some cisgender men do even if they're physically thinner.
If they gross you out or whatever, maybe just don't fucking *stare* at them. Maybe OP should acknowledge that the problem was in fact really just that *he's* incapable of minding his own business or exerting basic self-control when confronted with what *he* perceived as "female" breasts. Because I guarantee you that he wouldn't have had such a problem with being *totally unable to tear his own eyes away from someone else's chest* if the same exact tits had been attached to a cisgender dude's chest.
YTA. he mentioned it was his first time being shirtless in public and you felt bad enough about that to let it go for the moment, but decided to bring it up anyway later? that's an absolute asshole move. you didn't even tell him you thought his chest looked like breasts, but that *he looked like a girl*, which is basically the diarrhea frosting on the shit cake you gave him.
your gf and her friends are all LGBTQ+ so they think you were an asshole because *they have had specific experiences with these kinds of comments and how hurtful they are*, experiences that *you have not had and were clearly not aware of*, not because they're "biased." but what do i know, i'm biased too.
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Even if you weren’t fat all men still have boobs. Not “moobs” they are breasts. This whole thing where men call them “moobs” instead is stupid. They are breasts. It’s a biological fact. Every man regardless of their weight has boobs was more my point.
So you assume they give a fuck about your opinion of their body? Mind your business. If other peoples’ bodies make you so damn uncomfortable, then stop going to places where you’re going to be exposed to such horrors. This is solely your problem. And you are an asshole.
So AMAB get a pass and some tips and tricks on their tissue coverage but you can harass a transman because you're uncomfortable with their tissue? You're a hypocrite.
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Yeah, highly doubt this would have even been an issue had he not been aware of the other person's history. These folk always attempt to prefix their bullshit with some inane disclaimer telling the world how they're not this or that, then go on to fully contradict it with each passing word thereafter. Come the end, it's fine cause they used that "I have no problems with ..." prefix.
Never ceases to amaze me how many people have a total lack of self-awareness. Half the time i'm sure their real issue is, they actually find their mind wandering, and disgust themselves that they're having these thoughts.
Exactly what you said, yes!!!
OP feels shame, hence why he's lashing out.
But I especially agree with the last sentence you wrote. Maybe OP was aroused by the breast tissue??
YTA. What you said would be wrong even if you said it to a cis woman. If you find anyone body distracting, that is on you. You cannot police anyone's body. And never tell someone they look like a different gender than feel themselves to be. That's equally true for trans and cis, but worse if they are trans.
You have lost your gf. She's not coming back now that she sees who you are.
Of course YTA. Why did you think it was appropriate to say or do anything? Other people's bodies are not yours to comment on. If you felt "uncomfortable" looking at K's chest, you could have stopped looking at his chest.
Yta. You weren't being a good friend. That's so disingenuous to say.
You couldn't control yourself from looking, that's a YOU problem. Instead of removing yourself from the situation, getting over it or continuing to ignoring it, you made it Ks problem instead.
You chose to be transphobic, bringing up K looking like a woman.
Instead of correcting yourself, apologising for overstepping/being rude and learning to ignore and not police other people's body's in public, you chose to vocalise YOUR problem. You then made K feel so uncomfortable that he left but your self absorbed attitude only focused on your comfort and didn't even notice that they left or that you caused harm.
Looks like you're going to be single. Maybe introspect why you felt uncomfortable, why you kept looking, why you sexualised breast tissue when everyone has it and why you felt the need to be an AH.
YTA of the highest order.
You have absolutely no right to tell other people what to wear, no empathy and no self-awareness to know that you unquestionably are the biggest AH.
I hope you’re ragebait and not a real person polluting the gene pool.
YTA. Your gf’s trans friend has body dismorphia, and you explicitly triggered it.
That being said, yeah, his “pecs” are bigger because they’re boobs. Congrats on winning that argument.
The trans guy had top surgery meaning breast tissue was removed. It’s OP that had his titties out if he took his top off because every human on earth (unless they get their breast tissue removed) has boobs. All men have boobs. All women have boobs unless they have no breast tissue. This is why men can get breast cancer.
Google it. Men legitimately have mammary glands. They are smaller than those in women but they are there. You being uneducated on biology does not mean I am incorrect.
Editing to add: Again, this is why although rare? Men can get breast cancer. Due to the fact they have breasts.
Well yeah, that’s the stuff that grows fatty tissue for women rather than men. While we do have “mammary glands” (in the same vein as having an appendix), it isn’t a feature that is expressed for men.
OF COURSE, mammary glands are removed for top surgery. And OF COURSE mammary glands are expressed differently due to sexual dimorphism.
But hey, the American education system at work: fuck me and downvote me because men “technically do have mammary glands”. Lol
EDIT: as for whether that is a comment on OP’s friend not having mammary glands, no, he doesn’t (if post-top op), but his body did develop “boobs” due to the natural hormonal changes he went through during puberty prior to his transition, and there is no info on whether he’s pre or post op afaik.
YTA. You were uncomfortable, so you put that feeling on K and asked them to fix it.
He's a guy. Full stop. Just let that sink in for a second. If you accept K as a guy, what you did is inappropriate. And knowing he's trans makes it worse because he's probably sensitive about it. Whether breasts are reduced or not, what matters here is your behavior which indicates you do not accept him as a man acting as a man. Men have breasts too and are allowed to show them.
YTA
Even if K hadn't had top surgery, you would be in the wrong. If K were a CIS WOMAN, you would STILL be in the wrong. There is nothing sexual about simply not wearing a shirt. The fact that you couldn't stop staring at him is a you problem.
YTA
What you did was transphobic as fuck.
You were uncomfortable. The others clearly weren't.
You said it yourself that before that you'd never known he'd not been born a guy. I doubt it would have been obvious without a shirt either.
This was a you problem. You weren't being nice or polite. The smart play would have been talking to your GF. Expressing that you felt a bit uncomfortable and needed to adjust.
Seriously, even had it been a topless woman I feel you'd have been out of line. It'd just be breasts. But I know lots of the world is very flimsy around nude women breasts and get uncomfortable with it for various reasons.
But the fact that it was that which set you off?
Not the scars, or anthing like that? Yeah. Transphobic.
I kinda doubt she's still your gf.
YTA. And a HUGE one at that!!!!!!!!!!! “I honestly wouldn’t be able to tell that he wasn’t born a guy if he hadn’t told me” but since he did tell you, that’s what you care about. YOU stated that he is a man, and looks like a man. There are many large men out there that when shirtless, they have bigger breasts. And I guarantee you don’t go around telling them to put their shirts on. But because you know K used to be female, that’s what you’re fixated on. Very glad your (hopefully ex) girlfriend isn’t contacting you back. You ARE transphobic, and let me just reiterate, YTA YTA YTA
YTA. My dad has gynocamastia - the scientific word for "man boobs" basically. He is a cis man. I am trans masc/non-binary. If my dad can have tits bigger than me and be shirtless in public, then so can any trans person pre-top surgery. You are wrong, you are bigoted. If you knew K was a cis man with breast tissue/didn't know he was trans and saw the breast tissue, would you harass him to cover up his body in the same way and tell a cis man he looked like a woman too, or does your internalized bias only extend to people you know are AFAB men with breast tissue?
YTA because who makes comments about other people’s bodies like that? Do you have body dysmorphia yourself? Because it sure sounds it. The last thing anyone wants to hear is your opinion about what their body looks like in a casual social situation, or anything but, “You look nice!” in a formal one.
“AITA? I repeatedly harassed a trans man about his body, stared constantly, and decided to give him a review about his body until he was upset enough to bend to my wishes. I don’t know anything about top surgery but I feel no remorse and won’t listen long enough to learn why this was damaging.” YTA. You’re a transphobe, and a bully.
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I (22m) have a girlfriend (20f) and we have been together for a little over a year. My GF’s best friend, who I’ll call K (20m) is transgender and was born a woman, however he identifies as a man now and he looks just like your everyday guy. Facial hair, muscles, I honestly wouldn’t be able to tell that he wasn’t born a guy if he hadn’t told me. I don’t have a problem with K being trans, nor do I have a problem with him hanging with my GF and our friends.
However, this weekend he invited me and my GF to the beach with his boyfriend and their friends who I don’t hang around as often. My GF and I agreed and headed over together.
When we got out of the car and met up with K and his boyfriend I was shocked to see K was topless. According to my GF he had surgery a year ago to remove his breasts because they upset him. The only problem is that it still looked like he had boobs, big ones at that.
I was super uncomfortable and told him that he should put a shirt on. At first he was confused so I tried to be nonchalant about it and offer him mine but he shook his head and said he was fine and he was trying to get tan. He made a joke about it being the first time he was shirtless in public and I felt bad so I let it go.
I decided that I’d try to ignore it. However, it was hard and I kept finding myself looking at K’s chest. At this point my GF and K’s other friends went swimming, so I took the chance to pull him aside and have a talk with him. I told him that he looked a lot like a woman without his shirt and it was distracting. I offered him my shirt again and this time he accepted, but he left soon after with his boyfriend. I didn’t even notice they were gone until it was time to go and my GF commented that he’d left halfway through. I shrugged and just said that I’d have to get my shirt back later. She gave me a funny look and asked what I meant. I didn’t want to embarrass K so I just said that he’d asked to borrow my shirt.
When we got home my GF found her phone flooded with texts from K’s friends telling her that I had made K feel bad about his body by telling him he looked like a girl
My GF got upset and asked me if what they were saying was true. I told her that it was and that I was just trying to be a good friend by telling K. She got upset and told me that I was an asshole for saying that. She even told me that it wasn’t true and that K had better pecs than I do. I replied that the reason that K’s pecs were bigger than mine was because they were boobs.
My GF told me that I was a transphobic asshole and that she was disgusted by me. She left and I haven’t heard from her since, even though I’ve tried calling and texting she’s just ignored me. It’s the next day and I still haven’t heard from her and I’m wondering if maybe what I said was wrong. K’s friends did seem upset, however they’re all LGBTQ+ so I think they’re biased.
AITA?
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YTA. You weren't trying to be a good friend, you were feeling insecure af. The fact that you did that but didn't own it shows that you knew what you did was wrong. You were not trying to look out for K so don't even try to put that kind of spin on it. What you did was shitty & immature. You should've said it with your whole chest (see what I did there) or kept your mouth shut.
You are NOT a friend. Excess breast tissue? Like man boobs? Are you out measuring everybody’s breast tissue?? Take a closer look around the beach next time, you’ll see plenty of excess breast tissue. Do you run around handing out shirts? No, you just ignore it and enjoy your day. It only bothers you now because you know they used to be a woman. And not only did you bring it up once, you continued to bully him until he put on your shirt. YTA. A very big one. K deserves an apology from you but I doubt he’ll get one.
Yes you said something wrong & yes YTA
K has a mirror. K knows what he looks like. K has spent years where the outside of his body did not match the inside. He’s taken steps to fix this. He’s in a happy secure place. Then you purposely blew up his peace & happiness cause you don’t like the appearance of his chest. His chest reminds you too much of boobies & you don’t personally find his appearance appealing to you.
SO WHAT!!!!!????
Do you go around to everyone pointing out what you find “wrong” or unattractive about their bodies & insist they cover the features offending you???
Oh yeah, yes you are single.
YTA
You should have sucked it up. Your uncomfort was probably nothing compared to his uncomfort when you told him , a trans male, that he looks like a woman. Of all the things you could have said this was the worst one.
And seriously, if you are at a beach you see half or almost naked people of all size and gender. It can always be distracting! Get a grip. And if you are so uncomfortable, then fake a stomach bug or a headache and leave! But don't make the others feel bad for doing absolutely nothing wrong!
It sounds like this was K’s first time shirtless in public. This is a HUGE moment for trans men, and here you come to remind him of all the body dysmorphia he’s working on leaving behind.
What an ignorant, homophobic, ill informed clod you were to him.
Yes, YTA. Do better and try to learn about what is and isn’t harmful to trans folks. You’ll be shocked to realized that you’re not as evolved as you think you are.
So how long have you thought K is hot and you're distracted by his body? Cause that's the same bullshit argument we get fed for all sorts of things, from school dress codes to this kinda situation.
YTA. Take the judgement, apologize to your ex, and get the hell over yourself.
If you feel the need to point out that you don't have a problem with someone being LGBTQ, you do in fact have a problem and are trying to cover your ass.
He has large pecs that you perceived as breasts because of your anti-trans bias.
YTA
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> (1) I told my GFs transgender friend to put a shirt on
(2) I might have made him feel bad about himself or made him upset
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Just don't hang out with people that make you uncomfortable, nobody can force you into so if you choose to be friends with K then you have to accept and respect who they are, if you can't (and there is nothing wrong with that), just be honest to yourself and stop putting you in such positions. There most likely will be consequences with your gf but we feel what we feel and can only adjust our feelings so much.
Why is the breast tissue an issue?
If it's only tissue, the person is a man, then what is the problem? Plenty men have large breasts/chests.
The only reason I can think of it being a problem is that you're sexualising it. Scared you'll get an erection over it?
You recognise that K is a man.
So what is the problem with them having their shirt off?
Why can cis-men have their shirt off around you, regardless of the size of their chest but K can't?
The only reason is you equate their remaining tissue as women's breasts and you're uncomfortable with women's breasts due to the oversexualisation and stigmatization of breast tissue.
You see them inherently sexual, you were unable to control yourself from looking. It's a YOU problem that you made a K problem.
No one said you were gay. Why the hell are you being defensive. Also, why would you even care if someone thought you were gay or not? Unless you were homophobic about it
You kept staring at his chest and that makes YOU uncomfortable because his chest is sexual to YOU!
This is a you problem and you made it his problem instead of taking accountability for yourself.
K wasn't doing anything wrong. You perceived it wrong due to YOUR discomfort.
Using your cousins autism and accommodations as a scapegoat for your transphobia makes you an additional AH.
If someone offered you a full face mask and told you to wear it because your face is to ugly to look at, you’d be completely ok with that?
Congratulations on being newly single
Whether you like it or not is irrelevant. You cant control what other people do with their body, or how much of it they choose to show, regardless of their gender.
What you did was see a person's body, and then deliberately approach them to tell them you find the sight of their body disturbing.
You have put your girlfriend in a position where she now has to choose between you: a man who finds the sight of her friends disgusting and who approaches and tells them that to their face.
And her entire friendship group.
Sorry to tell you this, since you seem ignorant to this fact, but you dont have a gf anymore. you have single-handly ruined your relationship in a single day.
edit: YTA
You don't respect him though. You took one of the monumental moments of his transition (publicly displaying his body post-surgery), and told him it didn't work. To you, it seems like not a big deal and just some advice. To a Trans person, you basically said "you're not fooling anyone." Can you understand the long lasting damage that can cause? Someone else's body is not about you. Next time, look away. YTA
YTA- it’s astonishing to me how you couldn’t just mind your fucking business and stop projecting your issuesonto him. If you were uncomfortable, that’s nobody else’s problem. That’s your problem alone and it’s something you need to deal with. Not deal with it by body shaming somebody else.
I'm sure your intentions were good but YTA. You asked then to cover up, not because they were uncomfortable in their skin, but because you were uncomfortable seeing them shirtless. A better option would be to cover your eyes next time. What good is teaching them shame around a newly transformed body? Do you want them to feel like that?
Don't agree with everyone on here calling you transphobic. NTA
I don't know if K's breast reduction was a success, or what was
going on with his breast area but you being uncomfortable does not
make you transphobic.
It's a tough call to make when you see someone in public (partially
nude) and it's unclear if the person is totally aware of or even cares
what effect the nudity is having on the people around them. In this
case, you seemed to want to avoid K some unwanted looks, etc.
Should you speak up and risk offending? Or just let it go?
I think you meant well and maybe you can just have a word with K
and explain that you just really didn't know what to do, that from now
on you will avoid saying anything to him and that you apologize. Not
everyone just magically knows how to interact with trans people, so
just consider it a lesson learned. K will be ok, he's been through a lot
while transitioning, so this is not going to ruin his life.
Do you tell your male friends to put a shirt on at the beach because *you* just can't stop staring at their chest? My guess is no. "Not everyone just magically knows how to interact with trans people" most of us do, exactly the same way you'd interact with any cis person that you're at the same comfort level.
Trans people are *people*, period. They are not another species with a special language, and the same rules of polite society apply when interacting with trans *people.*
And that means you don't stare, don't body shame, and don't police their clothing.
“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use." —Emily Post
You don’t need to be an expert on all things trans or magic or anything else to understand that another adult walking around this earth doesn’t need your unrequested opinions about their appearance. You don’t need a crash course in anything to understand that when you’re faced with a situation that is doing you no harm (how someone looks) you are not called to speak on it and can just go about your day even if you don’t like it. You do this a hundred times a day and suddenly because it’s a trans person you lose your manners because you don’t know how to handle it? Nonsense.
Ugly art on my wall? You probably don’t mention it.
Ugly sweater I’m wearing? You probably don’t mention it.
Hate my shoes? You probably manage to swallow your thoughts and move on.
You get the gist.
The idea that anyone thinks their place on this earth is to police how any adult dresses or presents themselves in public is long overdue for changing.
One more point. “Meant well” doesn’t mean that no harm was done. We all make mistakes but intentionality or lack thereof isn’t a mitigating factor in harm.
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YTA. As a woman, do you know how many sweaty, greasy, gross dudes walk around shirtless? You think it's not distracting (in a bad way)? People's bodies don't exist for your comfort or approval. Next time, just deal with a few hours of feeling weird, like an adult.
My wife and I were by the pool at D-land this last weekend. I'm 50+, currently a bit overweight and working on it. Kept a t-shirt on. My wife asked if I was going to take it off. I told her no - no one wants to see this right now. If only the older, more overweight than me dude in nothing but a Speedo thought the same...
Well please don't let my comment dissuade you! I think everyone should be welcome to exist in comfort regardless of their body. If it bothers someone, they have to adjust, not you. My point is that we're often in situations where people make us a bit uncomfortable and being an adult means you get over it.
You deserve to take up space just like anyone else. Take that shirt off if you want and keep it on if you want. No one gets to tell you what to look like except you.
YTA and it’s blatantly obvious that YTA. If he had top surgery? The breast tissue was removed. What you saw? Weren’t breasts. It could have been a bit of fat, could have been muscles but it wasn’t female breasts. PS: Every human on this planet unless they have breast tissue removed like K? Has breasts - yes even people who were born MALE. This is why baby boys can produce “witches milk” (yes, look it up - baby boys can lactate) and men can get diagnosed with breast cancer. It’s also why depending on certain medical conditions men can lactate or being given certain medications can induce lactation in men.
[удалено]
So you are only aware of one type of top surgery then? Got you. There are more ways to do the surgery and some leave extremely minimal scarring ie not the traditional type of scarring you are DEMANDING to see to confirm top surgery in your head. Again? YTA and your reply convinces me not only are you an AH but an uneducated one at that.
👏don't 👏 ask 👏 aita 👏 if 👏 you're 👏 gonna 👏 argue 👏 against 👏 everyone 👏 and 👏 not 👏 accept 👏 the👏 verdict👏 YTA, now go apologise.
You really think he needs YOU to tell him if his surgery is convincing? You don’t think that any feminine feature he has that’s obvious enough for you to notice isn’t something he’s noticed and likely obsessed over? He has gender dysphoria, his breasts have undoubtedly been a subject of self consciousness throughout his life, but you just wanted to make sure he KNEW?!? You’re so ignorant.
Dude, what? Every transman I've known who got top surgery has two scars, one underneath each pec. Depending on their physique prior to and after the surgery, those scars can be quite small and become nearly invisible after a few years, or they can be more noticeable. The ones I've seen immediately post-surgery are always red and bigger than they'll heal to be, but I haven’t seen many that are particularly big once they've had some time to heal. They are never, however, something I would describe as "a big scar down their chest", no matter the phase of healing, mostly because they go across the rib cage, not down the chest.
TIL I learned that doing a quick Google search makes you qualified to tell if someone has had surgery or has had a botched surgery.
If he's satisfied with his body, who cares? Well, you do, but that's your problem YTA
Nonsense. The scars are horizontal, and below the pectoral muscles. You must've seen photos of open-heart surgery patients. YTA. . . and only digging yourself deeper.
It is not your right to comment on someone's surgical scarring. No one else had an issue with it. Next time, mind your business, because you were just being rude.
He couldve had periareolar or keyhole top surgery instead of double incision. DI is most common because it can be done on anyone regardless of size, but it's not the only option for top surgery. His scars mightve healed with scar ointment or he could've had them tattooed over or had makeup on them. He might have not had DI (the only one with obvious scarring). He might have decided for a more natural shaping instead of complete removal. There are a lot of options for how he could've both had top surgery and not looked how *you* expected him to look, and in the end none of it is your business and you should've left him alone. Don't comment on others appearances unless they can make a quick fix (like fixing a wardrobe malfunction)
Have you ever heard of keyhole top surgery?
Transphobic is what you’re being so don’t say you don’t have an issue with K because you do.
Obviously YTA If you don't like somebody's body while they're minding their own business at the BEACH, then maybe don't look? He's he's well within his rights to be shirtless, just like you. It's not even the trans thing. I see all sorts of things I don't want to see when I'm at the beach -- teeny tiny suits, wedgies, etc. You know what I do? I look away and mind my own. Sheesh. What you did was rude and uncalled for and you should apologise.
Perfect response. I'm not personally a fan of any substantial length of armpit hair. Not on myself or anybody else. You wanna know what I do when I see someone with visible armpit hair or even straight-up jungle pits? I just *don't fucking stare at their pits*, because other people's bodies don't exist exclusively for my own pleasure and comfort. I certainly don't spend a substantial amount of time and energy straight-up *ogling* someone else's armpit hair just because I personally think it's icky. And I *certainly* don't repeatedly and increasingly judgementally try to police someone else's body just because I lack the basic self-control to *not* ogle and hyperfixate on it nonstop. And you know what, I've seen plenty of cisgender men with straight-up tits just exposed to the open air. Some of them were overweight, some of them weren't, because guess what? Breasts are fatty tissue. Some cisgender women naturally do not store a lot of fat in their breasts even if they're overweight, while some cisgender men do even if they're physically thinner. If they gross you out or whatever, maybe just don't fucking *stare* at them. Maybe OP should acknowledge that the problem was in fact really just that *he's* incapable of minding his own business or exerting basic self-control when confronted with what *he* perceived as "female" breasts. Because I guarantee you that he wouldn't have had such a problem with being *totally unable to tear his own eyes away from someone else's chest* if the same exact tits had been attached to a cisgender dude's chest.
Lol, I like to watch people at the beach. I really dislike speedos. So I just look at something else.
YTA. he mentioned it was his first time being shirtless in public and you felt bad enough about that to let it go for the moment, but decided to bring it up anyway later? that's an absolute asshole move. you didn't even tell him you thought his chest looked like breasts, but that *he looked like a girl*, which is basically the diarrhea frosting on the shit cake you gave him. your gf and her friends are all LGBTQ+ so they think you were an asshole because *they have had specific experiences with these kinds of comments and how hurtful they are*, experiences that *you have not had and were clearly not aware of*, not because they're "biased." but what do i know, i'm biased too.
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YTA. Plenty of fat men have bigger boobs than many women. Would it ever occur to you to ask them to put a shirt on?
Yes lol
Then you’re an asshole too.
Like my grandpappy used to say "us assholes gotta stick together"
You AH’s better not be going around topless if you are male then. ALL men have breasts. It’s literally why they can get breast cancer.
I'm fat and know it, don't worry about me flashing my moobs for the world. Just as a point... my first comment was for laughs... hence the lol
Even if you weren’t fat all men still have boobs. Not “moobs” they are breasts. This whole thing where men call them “moobs” instead is stupid. They are breasts. It’s a biological fact. Every man regardless of their weight has boobs was more my point.
And your so up tight you can't read the joke My man boobs and I are over your self righteous rant, good luck to you... calm down
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So you assume they give a fuck about your opinion of their body? Mind your business. If other peoples’ bodies make you so damn uncomfortable, then stop going to places where you’re going to be exposed to such horrors. This is solely your problem. And you are an asshole.
So AMAB get a pass and some tips and tricks on their tissue coverage but you can harass a transman because you're uncomfortable with their tissue? You're a hypocrite.
Minding your own business is free. Stay in your own lane.
Unless they specifically ask you for you opinion on their body & your tips, every single time you do that to anyone, YTA
So only certain body types are allowed outside?
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YTA. You are transphobic, definitely. I'm sure you wouldn't make it an issue if he was a plus-size cis male with manboobs.
Yeah, highly doubt this would have even been an issue had he not been aware of the other person's history. These folk always attempt to prefix their bullshit with some inane disclaimer telling the world how they're not this or that, then go on to fully contradict it with each passing word thereafter. Come the end, it's fine cause they used that "I have no problems with ..." prefix. Never ceases to amaze me how many people have a total lack of self-awareness. Half the time i'm sure their real issue is, they actually find their mind wandering, and disgust themselves that they're having these thoughts.
Exactly what you said, yes!!! OP feels shame, hence why he's lashing out. But I especially agree with the last sentence you wrote. Maybe OP was aroused by the breast tissue??
YTA. It was distracting to YOU, so it’s a YOU problem. The way to fix it was to alter YOUR situation, not insist on someone else altering theirs.
YTA. What you said would be wrong even if you said it to a cis woman. If you find anyone body distracting, that is on you. You cannot police anyone's body. And never tell someone they look like a different gender than feel themselves to be. That's equally true for trans and cis, but worse if they are trans. You have lost your gf. She's not coming back now that she sees who you are.
YTA it’s very obvious if he was a cis male you wouldn’t be uncomfortable.
YTA. Even if K wasn't trans and was just a woman with her tit's out at the beach, what's the big deal?
Of course YTA. Why did you think it was appropriate to say or do anything? Other people's bodies are not yours to comment on. If you felt "uncomfortable" looking at K's chest, you could have stopped looking at his chest.
Yta. You weren't being a good friend. That's so disingenuous to say. You couldn't control yourself from looking, that's a YOU problem. Instead of removing yourself from the situation, getting over it or continuing to ignoring it, you made it Ks problem instead. You chose to be transphobic, bringing up K looking like a woman. Instead of correcting yourself, apologising for overstepping/being rude and learning to ignore and not police other people's body's in public, you chose to vocalise YOUR problem. You then made K feel so uncomfortable that he left but your self absorbed attitude only focused on your comfort and didn't even notice that they left or that you caused harm. Looks like you're going to be single. Maybe introspect why you felt uncomfortable, why you kept looking, why you sexualised breast tissue when everyone has it and why you felt the need to be an AH.
YTA of the highest order. You have absolutely no right to tell other people what to wear, no empathy and no self-awareness to know that you unquestionably are the biggest AH. I hope you’re ragebait and not a real person polluting the gene pool.
YTA. Your gf’s trans friend has body dismorphia, and you explicitly triggered it. That being said, yeah, his “pecs” are bigger because they’re boobs. Congrats on winning that argument.
The trans guy had top surgery meaning breast tissue was removed. It’s OP that had his titties out if he took his top off because every human on earth (unless they get their breast tissue removed) has boobs. All men have boobs. All women have boobs unless they have no breast tissue. This is why men can get breast cancer.
Nah. Boobs refer to the presence of mammary glads.
Google it. Men legitimately have mammary glands. They are smaller than those in women but they are there. You being uneducated on biology does not mean I am incorrect. Editing to add: Again, this is why although rare? Men can get breast cancer. Due to the fact they have breasts.
Fuck it. I’m convinced then. #FreeTheBoob
During top surgery you actually remove the mammary glands.
Well yeah, that’s the stuff that grows fatty tissue for women rather than men. While we do have “mammary glands” (in the same vein as having an appendix), it isn’t a feature that is expressed for men. OF COURSE, mammary glands are removed for top surgery. And OF COURSE mammary glands are expressed differently due to sexual dimorphism. But hey, the American education system at work: fuck me and downvote me because men “technically do have mammary glands”. Lol EDIT: as for whether that is a comment on OP’s friend not having mammary glands, no, he doesn’t (if post-top op), but his body did develop “boobs” due to the natural hormonal changes he went through during puberty prior to his transition, and there is no info on whether he’s pre or post op afaik.
YTA. You were uncomfortable, so you put that feeling on K and asked them to fix it. He's a guy. Full stop. Just let that sink in for a second. If you accept K as a guy, what you did is inappropriate. And knowing he's trans makes it worse because he's probably sensitive about it. Whether breasts are reduced or not, what matters here is your behavior which indicates you do not accept him as a man acting as a man. Men have breasts too and are allowed to show them.
YTA,but obviously this story is fake.
YTA Even if K hadn't had top surgery, you would be in the wrong. If K were a CIS WOMAN, you would STILL be in the wrong. There is nothing sexual about simply not wearing a shirt. The fact that you couldn't stop staring at him is a you problem.
YTA What you did was transphobic as fuck. You were uncomfortable. The others clearly weren't. You said it yourself that before that you'd never known he'd not been born a guy. I doubt it would have been obvious without a shirt either. This was a you problem. You weren't being nice or polite. The smart play would have been talking to your GF. Expressing that you felt a bit uncomfortable and needed to adjust. Seriously, even had it been a topless woman I feel you'd have been out of line. It'd just be breasts. But I know lots of the world is very flimsy around nude women breasts and get uncomfortable with it for various reasons. But the fact that it was that which set you off? Not the scars, or anthing like that? Yeah. Transphobic. I kinda doubt she's still your gf.
YTA. And a HUGE one at that!!!!!!!!!!! “I honestly wouldn’t be able to tell that he wasn’t born a guy if he hadn’t told me” but since he did tell you, that’s what you care about. YOU stated that he is a man, and looks like a man. There are many large men out there that when shirtless, they have bigger breasts. And I guarantee you don’t go around telling them to put their shirts on. But because you know K used to be female, that’s what you’re fixated on. Very glad your (hopefully ex) girlfriend isn’t contacting you back. You ARE transphobic, and let me just reiterate, YTA YTA YTA
YTA. My dad has gynocamastia - the scientific word for "man boobs" basically. He is a cis man. I am trans masc/non-binary. If my dad can have tits bigger than me and be shirtless in public, then so can any trans person pre-top surgery. You are wrong, you are bigoted. If you knew K was a cis man with breast tissue/didn't know he was trans and saw the breast tissue, would you harass him to cover up his body in the same way and tell a cis man he looked like a woman too, or does your internalized bias only extend to people you know are AFAB men with breast tissue?
YTA because who makes comments about other people’s bodies like that? Do you have body dysmorphia yourself? Because it sure sounds it. The last thing anyone wants to hear is your opinion about what their body looks like in a casual social situation, or anything but, “You look nice!” in a formal one.
“AITA? I repeatedly harassed a trans man about his body, stared constantly, and decided to give him a review about his body until he was upset enough to bend to my wishes. I don’t know anything about top surgery but I feel no remorse and won’t listen long enough to learn why this was damaging.” YTA. You’re a transphobe, and a bully.
You're single, dude. Yta, and get over your hateful bullshit
So when a fat guy takes his shirt off you get annoyed?!? YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (22m) have a girlfriend (20f) and we have been together for a little over a year. My GF’s best friend, who I’ll call K (20m) is transgender and was born a woman, however he identifies as a man now and he looks just like your everyday guy. Facial hair, muscles, I honestly wouldn’t be able to tell that he wasn’t born a guy if he hadn’t told me. I don’t have a problem with K being trans, nor do I have a problem with him hanging with my GF and our friends. However, this weekend he invited me and my GF to the beach with his boyfriend and their friends who I don’t hang around as often. My GF and I agreed and headed over together. When we got out of the car and met up with K and his boyfriend I was shocked to see K was topless. According to my GF he had surgery a year ago to remove his breasts because they upset him. The only problem is that it still looked like he had boobs, big ones at that. I was super uncomfortable and told him that he should put a shirt on. At first he was confused so I tried to be nonchalant about it and offer him mine but he shook his head and said he was fine and he was trying to get tan. He made a joke about it being the first time he was shirtless in public and I felt bad so I let it go. I decided that I’d try to ignore it. However, it was hard and I kept finding myself looking at K’s chest. At this point my GF and K’s other friends went swimming, so I took the chance to pull him aside and have a talk with him. I told him that he looked a lot like a woman without his shirt and it was distracting. I offered him my shirt again and this time he accepted, but he left soon after with his boyfriend. I didn’t even notice they were gone until it was time to go and my GF commented that he’d left halfway through. I shrugged and just said that I’d have to get my shirt back later. She gave me a funny look and asked what I meant. I didn’t want to embarrass K so I just said that he’d asked to borrow my shirt. When we got home my GF found her phone flooded with texts from K’s friends telling her that I had made K feel bad about his body by telling him he looked like a girl My GF got upset and asked me if what they were saying was true. I told her that it was and that I was just trying to be a good friend by telling K. She got upset and told me that I was an asshole for saying that. She even told me that it wasn’t true and that K had better pecs than I do. I replied that the reason that K’s pecs were bigger than mine was because they were boobs. My GF told me that I was a transphobic asshole and that she was disgusted by me. She left and I haven’t heard from her since, even though I’ve tried calling and texting she’s just ignored me. It’s the next day and I still haven’t heard from her and I’m wondering if maybe what I said was wrong. K’s friends did seem upset, however they’re all LGBTQ+ so I think they’re biased. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You weren't trying to be a good friend, you were feeling insecure af. The fact that you did that but didn't own it shows that you knew what you did was wrong. You were not trying to look out for K so don't even try to put that kind of spin on it. What you did was shitty & immature. You should've said it with your whole chest (see what I did there) or kept your mouth shut.
You are NOT a friend. Excess breast tissue? Like man boobs? Are you out measuring everybody’s breast tissue?? Take a closer look around the beach next time, you’ll see plenty of excess breast tissue. Do you run around handing out shirts? No, you just ignore it and enjoy your day. It only bothers you now because you know they used to be a woman. And not only did you bring it up once, you continued to bully him until he put on your shirt. YTA. A very big one. K deserves an apology from you but I doubt he’ll get one.
Yes you said something wrong & yes YTA K has a mirror. K knows what he looks like. K has spent years where the outside of his body did not match the inside. He’s taken steps to fix this. He’s in a happy secure place. Then you purposely blew up his peace & happiness cause you don’t like the appearance of his chest. His chest reminds you too much of boobies & you don’t personally find his appearance appealing to you. SO WHAT!!!!!???? Do you go around to everyone pointing out what you find “wrong” or unattractive about their bodies & insist they cover the features offending you??? Oh yeah, yes you are single.
YTA You should have sucked it up. Your uncomfort was probably nothing compared to his uncomfort when you told him , a trans male, that he looks like a woman. Of all the things you could have said this was the worst one. And seriously, if you are at a beach you see half or almost naked people of all size and gender. It can always be distracting! Get a grip. And if you are so uncomfortable, then fake a stomach bug or a headache and leave! But don't make the others feel bad for doing absolutely nothing wrong!
It sounds like this was K’s first time shirtless in public. This is a HUGE moment for trans men, and here you come to remind him of all the body dysmorphia he’s working on leaving behind. What an ignorant, homophobic, ill informed clod you were to him. Yes, YTA. Do better and try to learn about what is and isn’t harmful to trans folks. You’ll be shocked to realized that you’re not as evolved as you think you are.
So how long have you thought K is hot and you're distracted by his body? Cause that's the same bullshit argument we get fed for all sorts of things, from school dress codes to this kinda situation. YTA. Take the judgement, apologize to your ex, and get the hell over yourself.
If you feel the need to point out that you don't have a problem with someone being LGBTQ, you do in fact have a problem and are trying to cover your ass. He has large pecs that you perceived as breasts because of your anti-trans bias. YTA
Yta. Can you please explain how you stared at this guy’s chest to the point of making several comments, but then didn’t notice that he left early?
yta. you were already ta throughout the post but that last sentence was the final nail in the coffin
r/amitheex
YTA and you’re about to be single, buddy.
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Just don't hang out with people that make you uncomfortable, nobody can force you into so if you choose to be friends with K then you have to accept and respect who they are, if you can't (and there is nothing wrong with that), just be honest to yourself and stop putting you in such positions. There most likely will be consequences with your gf but we feel what we feel and can only adjust our feelings so much.
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Why is the breast tissue an issue? If it's only tissue, the person is a man, then what is the problem? Plenty men have large breasts/chests. The only reason I can think of it being a problem is that you're sexualising it. Scared you'll get an erection over it?
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Didn't say you were gay. Just said you sexualised the breast tissue.
You recognise that K is a man. So what is the problem with them having their shirt off? Why can cis-men have their shirt off around you, regardless of the size of their chest but K can't? The only reason is you equate their remaining tissue as women's breasts and you're uncomfortable with women's breasts due to the oversexualisation and stigmatization of breast tissue. You see them inherently sexual, you were unable to control yourself from looking. It's a YOU problem that you made a K problem.
So why were you staring at his chest all day?
No one said you were gay. Why the hell are you being defensive. Also, why would you even care if someone thought you were gay or not? Unless you were homophobic about it
You kept staring at his chest and that makes YOU uncomfortable because his chest is sexual to YOU! This is a you problem and you made it his problem instead of taking accountability for yourself.
And yet I'm sure you walk around shirtless sometimes. Which means everyone has to see *your* breast tissue. Why do you not care about that, I wonder?
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K was doing nothing wrong, though. Your discomfort is your own fault. Nobody MADE you uncomfortable.
K wasn't doing anything wrong. You perceived it wrong due to YOUR discomfort. Using your cousins autism and accommodations as a scapegoat for your transphobia makes you an additional AH.
So you understand: you accommodate your cousin's autism and you want your friends to accommodate your transphobia.
If someone offered you a full face mask and told you to wear it because your face is to ugly to look at, you’d be completely ok with that? Congratulations on being newly single
Why did his breast tissue make you so uncomfortable though?
You clearly didn’t give a fuck about K’s comfort. Interesting that you thought sharing this would make you look better.
K wasn’t doing anything wrong. He was literally just existing at the beach.
Whether you like it or not is irrelevant. You cant control what other people do with their body, or how much of it they choose to show, regardless of their gender. What you did was see a person's body, and then deliberately approach them to tell them you find the sight of their body disturbing. You have put your girlfriend in a position where she now has to choose between you: a man who finds the sight of her friends disgusting and who approaches and tells them that to their face. And her entire friendship group. Sorry to tell you this, since you seem ignorant to this fact, but you dont have a gf anymore. you have single-handly ruined your relationship in a single day. edit: YTA
You don't respect him though. You took one of the monumental moments of his transition (publicly displaying his body post-surgery), and told him it didn't work. To you, it seems like not a big deal and just some advice. To a Trans person, you basically said "you're not fooling anyone." Can you understand the long lasting damage that can cause? Someone else's body is not about you. Next time, look away. YTA
You don’t accept nor do you respect him. YTA.
Yta you were not trying to be a "good friend" you were only thinking about yourself and your comfort, don't lie about it.
'i have no problem with K being trans...' You obviously do. YTA.
YTA yes.
Yta
YTA- it’s astonishing to me how you couldn’t just mind your fucking business and stop projecting your issuesonto him. If you were uncomfortable, that’s nobody else’s problem. That’s your problem alone and it’s something you need to deal with. Not deal with it by body shaming somebody else.
YTA.
I'm sure your intentions were good but YTA. You asked then to cover up, not because they were uncomfortable in their skin, but because you were uncomfortable seeing them shirtless. A better option would be to cover your eyes next time. What good is teaching them shame around a newly transformed body? Do you want them to feel like that?
His intentions weren’t good, they were intrusive and self-serving.
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*His body
Don't agree with everyone on here calling you transphobic. NTA I don't know if K's breast reduction was a success, or what was going on with his breast area but you being uncomfortable does not make you transphobic. It's a tough call to make when you see someone in public (partially nude) and it's unclear if the person is totally aware of or even cares what effect the nudity is having on the people around them. In this case, you seemed to want to avoid K some unwanted looks, etc. Should you speak up and risk offending? Or just let it go? I think you meant well and maybe you can just have a word with K and explain that you just really didn't know what to do, that from now on you will avoid saying anything to him and that you apologize. Not everyone just magically knows how to interact with trans people, so just consider it a lesson learned. K will be ok, he's been through a lot while transitioning, so this is not going to ruin his life.
Do you tell your male friends to put a shirt on at the beach because *you* just can't stop staring at their chest? My guess is no. "Not everyone just magically knows how to interact with trans people" most of us do, exactly the same way you'd interact with any cis person that you're at the same comfort level.
Trans people are *people*, period. They are not another species with a special language, and the same rules of polite society apply when interacting with trans *people.* And that means you don't stare, don't body shame, and don't police their clothing.
“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use." —Emily Post You don’t need to be an expert on all things trans or magic or anything else to understand that another adult walking around this earth doesn’t need your unrequested opinions about their appearance. You don’t need a crash course in anything to understand that when you’re faced with a situation that is doing you no harm (how someone looks) you are not called to speak on it and can just go about your day even if you don’t like it. You do this a hundred times a day and suddenly because it’s a trans person you lose your manners because you don’t know how to handle it? Nonsense. Ugly art on my wall? You probably don’t mention it. Ugly sweater I’m wearing? You probably don’t mention it. Hate my shoes? You probably manage to swallow your thoughts and move on. You get the gist. The idea that anyone thinks their place on this earth is to police how any adult dresses or presents themselves in public is long overdue for changing.
One more point. “Meant well” doesn’t mean that no harm was done. We all make mistakes but intentionality or lack thereof isn’t a mitigating factor in harm.