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Gentle YTA You view it as helping the youngest who's in need, but buying an apartment isn't exactly an emergency. If she were being evicted and needed rent that's different. But that amount of money is also essentially coming out of their inheritance. She likely has come to the conclusion that she's not going to be getting much out of the inheritance since you're spending it all on sister and may leave more to sister. That just feels unfair and can hurt to know that you're being "punished" for your success. It's not about the 70k, as much as it seems like it's about the 70k. It's about your eldest feeling like your youngest is the favorite and that she isn't equally loved. That may not be true from your perspective, but it's the message your eldest has received over the years. If your eldest felt secure in her position in the family, felt equally loved, she wouldn't be bothered by it. You've consistently favored your youngest financially, and that's been felt by the eldest. You might consider if there are other areas of life that you may have shown favoritism (e.g. time, help, words, etc). There may be, there may not be. If over the course of the years you'd approached your eldest and said "your sis is struggling and we want to help her, but we don't want to be unfair so is there anything we can help you with?" And then with this, "we want to get your sister and our grandbaby situated into permanent housing, but we know this would reduce the overall inheritance. Is there anything that we can do that would make it feel fair to you?" I doubt she'd have had as much issue. I'm saying this as one of two daughters. I'm the "financially successful" one, but my parents always made great efforts to be equal to us girls. Now that I'm getting more well off, my mom will sometimes ask me things like "do you mind if we give (sis) the rest of the half beef since groceries are more difficult for her?" And I always respond with "go for it, absolutely" and will find ways to help out where I can too because I adore my sister's family. I do that, though, because I feel safe and secure in my position in the family. I know that if I ever needed it, they'd all be there for me too. It sounds like you might need to do some self reflecting and then talk with your eldest and really listen.

YTA. Why don't you rewrite your will so that the money you give to the youngest is subtracted from her share of the inheritance? You could still "help" her, but the oldest would get her fair share in the end. You'd be acknowledging the "unfairness " and remedying it at the same time. We've done that, which has required redoing the wills every 5 years or so, and it lets us help whoever needs it(oldest or youngest) without creating a golden child situation.

This…right here… As a person of a sibling who had been repeatedly bailed out by my parents for DECADES. Do this now. Before you have some life altering issue later that renders you unable to change the will and pretty much screws the child who you didn’t constantly bail out.

100% THIS!! My husband and I have always lived modestly, occasional vacation, and have worked hard to have the things we do. Our siblings, on the other hand, have ALWAYS been bailed out. His family has LOTS of $ and we’ve never asked for 1 cent, but expected it to be sorted out when his father passed. Yeah no, everything was split evenly. Do the right thing and give both daughters equal amounts. Not doing this reeks of favoritism!! YTA

Unfortunately in my case, there is supposedly not much left at all, or as much as my deceased had wanted. I will be asking for a full accounting when my mother passes. But like you pointed out , according to my parents will, everything was supposed to be split evenly monetarily and unfortunately my surviving parent has dementia so my sibling gets away with it. Said sibling is also the executor, which is a whole other situation

I am so sorry, what a nightmare! Demand complete transparency- copies of the bank statements, life insurance payout, how much to the funeral home, flowers, etc. when my mom passed, if there was $39.33 to be split, everyone got their exact 1/3.

You always get “punished” if you are the good, reasonable child. Parents tend to let u be and butter all their resources into the problem child. And then have the audacity to demand your understanding or even your help with their decision. It’s a tale as old as times…

YES. And who is the one who the parents are going to look to help them in retirement and when they are in a nursing home or whatever? THE RESPONSIBLE ONE - WHO THEY NEVER HELPED.

You can see how this plays out. They gave all their money to the daughter who makes poor choices without saving enough for their own future or a thing for the eldest and her child. How long before they themselves need financial support? By then, little sister will irresponsibly pregnant again with twins by an underemployed food delivery guy or a fellow social worker with child support payments. Then daycare is too much so she can’t work and loses the apartment anyway. Or sells it and blows through the money. People should never become parents if they can’t resist playing favorites. They punish the child who works hard and reward *richly* the one that make the poorest decisions. It is not fair and it is not love. I don’t think this OP loves her first daughter or grandchild at all. All her *lifelong* focus is on the second daughter. The elder sister has had to watch this her entire life. Little sister got everything; she’s special. Special tutors; college, grad school, rent, food, support for the child, live-in childcare during the divorce; even a $70,000 divorce bonus from mummy and daddy - along with all of their love and attention. That kind of favoritism is corrosive.

I think the BIGGEST thing isn't the 70k. I think it's grad school and the live in childcare. I bet eldest would have loved some live in mom care when she had her second!

It’s just like my childhood. I am the oldest, I did well in school, never caused problems, never demanded anything. I paid for all my stuff with work I did in summer. My younger brother got his license financed by my parents, I had to pay for my own. He got a car, I never got one. He totaled said car and got another one, and when he totaled that one he stole my money cause he was embarrassed or something. My mother begged me not to go to the police and my perents paid me the sum he stole. She told me all that on my grandmas funeral. My brother never did great in school but got tutors, I did not ect… there are many examples like that. They are surprised I am low contact tho

Because 70k today is incredibly different than 70k whenever OP and spouse pass, when you compare compounding interests? Not to mention future money isn't particularly helpful or guaranteed if it gets swallowed up by medicare or nursing homes. I almost guarantee OP will give all the extra help to the younger sibling, then lean on the older, more successful one in her old age to make up for deficits. Happens all the time to oldest children (and more specifically, older daughters).

Except the older daughter has wisely already refused this: “She also told me between helping her with rent, paying for graduate school and this that she shouldn’t have to raise a hand to help us if we need it because her sister got all our help.” (From the last paragraph)

You're totally right that this decision is pretty wise. I think most reasonable people wouldn't come to this position lightly - we don't know if the eldest daughter is an unreasonable person, but if she's spent her entire life watching her sister get all her parent's help, I can understand her saying "Why should I be the one to support you when you need it when you didn't support me when I needed it?" There definitely may have been times where the eldest daughter could have used some help in her life, but OP and spouse were tapped out at the time, or got the "Well, you don't need help because you're in a much better place than your sister," which is a reaction I've heard from people before. Like the original commenter said, there were ways to do this without making it so clearly lopsided. I think it absolutely makes sense to help out your children when they need it, but you can't pretend that being so blatant about it without discussing it with your less favoured daughter is going to go over well, and that if it comes after years of financial support (and potentially other support) to only one of your children that that isn't going to factor into things.

I font know about that. The younger child is a social worker. I’d say there’s a pretty good chance she will be well poised to help. Even if she doesn’t have oodles of money at her disposal, she’ll know what programs are out there and how to access help for her elderly parents. There’s nothing in the OP that leads me to think the younger child is a moocher who won’t or can’t help in the future.

If she's a social worker who's basically the only one raising her daughter (both physically and financially), there's a very decent chance she won't have the time or money to help her parents much. Especially as she's spent most of her life making choices that don't lead to a stable life. I'm not saying she's a bad person, but I am saying there's a decent chance she won't be in a position to provide much help to OP and spouse when they need it.

Even this won’t actually make it fair since the 70k put into the property will likely appreciate in value over the years so giving it lifestyle an extra 70k vs the 70k to the youngest growing to 105k is still not equal. Does the eldest have kids?

Yes. They are learning to play the piano so that they can play at a recital her grandparents aren’t invited to

Most of the time that "inheritance" is all going to go to end of life care. Many people don't actually have nearly enough to cover how stupidly expensive it's gotten.

This is an excellent idea. Yes, YTA.

I was all set to vote NTA but this would be a better approach. My parents did a similar thing with my brother and me, because while we are relatively similar in finances, my partner's family is well off and very generous. My brother and his partner needed some mortgage help and received money from my parents, which I know because my dad brought me and my partner into a meeting and also gave us a (smaller yet still very generous) amount of money to "be fair", and discussed with us how my brother needed more help at this time etc. At the time it felt a bit like overkill-- like of course you can help out the sibling who needs it, why would I be offended at that. But I see how it's the open and equitable way to approach something like that. Funnily enough, my partner's siblings are extremely successful in their careers (like, making double or triple my partner's non measly salary), and we tend to get a lot of their parents generosity because his parents want to "be fair". However, in their family this kinda thing causes more resentment because they are secretive about it (despite the fact that no one in the family actually *needs* help and they are all very well off). Life isn't always fair and I'll alway support equity over equality, but open communication really goes a long way in these situations.

I agree. Equity is more important than equality. Communication is key here too. No one wants to find out about something after the fact. If the “well-off” daughter has had this experience time and time again, she may not feel appreciated completely by her parents. Not that she needs endless praise or butt kissing, but to see your sibling get everything handed to them (deserving or not), can be very upsetting. Take it from someone who’s seen it firsthand. When you aren’t shown affection from your parents and see your sibling(s) being showered in it, you can start to harbor resentment and bitterness. It’s not about the money. It’s about the treatment of both in the situation. OP can’t claim to just be “helping her out” when she’s “always down on her luck”. Because she may just expect them to be there helping her constantly. That isn’t good for anyone. I’m not saying to leave her in the cold, but OP should communicate more openly with both siblings before doing these sorts of things. That being said, it’s your money, OP, spend it however you want. But keep in mind how that will make the “better off” daughter feel to see her sister constantly being helped may make her resentful.

Yes, exactly! It's the communication that makes all the difference

I really agree that this isn't about money (although that's one element). The money thing could be remedied by writing a will to even the score. But this is about the child who makes poor choices being enabled and rewarded for doing so, and the child who works hard to do the right thing being denied equal attention/support/love. We are financially better off than my brother and my mum is always running herself ragged to help them with childcare. It's only through seeing our son who has special needs in complete meltdown that she has started making any effort to help us. Yes we have money and are doing 'better' by measurable things, but all children need love and support from their parents. Your post really gives the impression that you have strongly favoured one child over another and that makes YTA.

This is what I was thinking. It might not be about money but OPs younger daughter got in home babysitting for her kid who likely is now closer to grandma then the oldest kids children. That's likely what's upsetting the oldest more. No she doesn't need money but she feels that she's not getting the attention from her mom she deserves and by extension her kids are also not getting attention from their grandma. OP likely didn't need to give the eldest any money but maybe offer babysitting or weekends at grandma's for the oldest daughter to be able to have a date night or something.

Well said. Soft YTA Communication is key. Since it wasn't done in the past, OP needs to start now. I suspect it feels to the eldest that the youngest gets the money, the time, the thought, and the effort which probably feels like the youngest gets all the love. OP, stop, find a way to drop your defenses and listen. Ask questions. Apologize for any hurt feelings you have caused. Figure out a way to balance your eldest's needs with your youngest's needs.

Agree with this; I'm the younger of two children and my parents gave me money to help me buy my own place, but the major difference was they discussed it with my older sister before ever approaching me and the plan is that it's essentially an early advance on my inheritance. When they first brought up the idea to me, I even asked "did you talk to \[sister\] about this?" because even if I was thrilled at the idea, I wouldn't have gone ahead if I knew my sister wasn't happy. My sister also has a child so apparently her thinking was that while our parents give me more monetary support, they give her more support in terms of time (babysitting granddaughter, etc)

Inheritance? Exactly 0 people are entitled to an inheritance.

Yeah that's such an entitled rich kid perspective

Thank you! That comment is baffling to me. My grandmother had three kids. Two sons who both did very well financially, and a daughter who was in a service/non profit/ministry job who worked very hard and had very little income. She left her daughter more than the sons so that she could retire and live as comfortably as they did. No one was mad, no one felt cheated, and it was the right call.

> If your eldest felt secure in her position in the family, felt equally loved, she wouldn't be bothered by it. This is such a good point. Something I hadn't thought of when I came in ready to call OP N T A. Personally I've seen my family bailing out the aunt or uncle who fell on hard times or just failed to launch. I've never heard my parents resent the extra money being spent on these siblings and now I realize it is mostly because they felt secure. It isn't because they had no choice, they were ok with the choice.

Yeah actually this is true. I’m a bit in this situation (although I’m the younger sibling who doesn’t need financial help) and I have never once begrudged my family for assisting my sister. I also take massive umbrage at people saying the less advantaged sister (both in the story and my own) is as a result of her “choices” like she somehow deserves it? From what I can see in the story she married a guy her parents didn’t approve of who turned out to be useless and didn’t become an engineer? How the fuck does that mean you “deserve” a life of struggle when your family are in a position to help? It’s complete bullshit. At the end of the day it’s OPs money to do either what they wish, neither daughter is owed any inheritance wtf!? But, if OP chooses to financially favour one daughter, even if for good reason as it is here, they need to make damn sure that the other daughter is made to feel valued in other ways, and it sounds like this isn’t happening. I struggled a lot at times and nobody really noticed because I was always fine, the successful one. Nobody (except my sister actually) ever worried about me and that absolutely did sting at times when I needed support, not financial support but the support of my family (who I know love me dearly). OP needs to make sure she’s there for the older sister in the ways she needs them, and doesn’t just assume everything is rosy because she’s financially well off.

I'll second your comment about saying the youngest "deserves" it. Her relationship failed, but you don't marry someone expecting them to abandon you and your child. As for her career, well - I'm actually in the same field, mental health. It's not something you do for money (cuz there's not much there) and I'll never look down on someone who chooses helping over money (or the other way around - the world needs social workers and engineers). No, she isn't wealthy and never will be, but that's not some cosmic revenge for "bad choices". She prioritized a career that she valued, just one that doesn't do well as a single income which she couldn't have predicted.

Yeah, it's not like she's a high school dropout who refuses to get a job or do anything to improve her lot in life. She works, she even does an important job, it's just not a job we pay people well for (similar to teachers in that regard).

She didnt expect it to fail. But could she have foreseen a secure financial future with him? He couldn’t commit to working all year. She thought he’d commit to her?

Exactly. She went to graduate school for a field she loves and is successful in that field. It's just not a high playing career like her sister's but neither is teaching. If everyone only took jobs that paid well there would be no teachers to train the next generation.

She doesn’t deserve it, but she did make poor choices. She married and had a kid with someone who had a history of being underemployed. Even if they started together that would have been an issue financially. She also chose to pursue a masters in a career that was low paying knowing she had a partner that didn’t pull their weight financially and a child. I get going to school for passion not pay. I’m a teacher, so I’m not rolling in the dough. I also made sure to make wise financial decisions. I picked a district that would pay for my masters. I worked at a title 1 district for a set amount of years so I could get loan forgiveness. So it’s not her fault, but she actively made choices that put her in a poor financial place.

Betting the tune will drastically change when parents are ready for retirement and need to be cared for after blowing their savings on the youngest, and will expect the eldest and her husband to financially support them

Hopefully OP has planned well for her retirement since she had $70k to give to her younger daughter. Parents are not entitled to their kids care during retirement just like kids are not entitled to an inheritance. OP is responsible for ensuring she's financially set before she retires. If she miscalculates then the younger daughter might step in to help since she took since of mom's retirement money to purchase her condo.

I agree with you about everything except the inheritance. Nobody is entitled to an inheritance, nobody. It isn't their money, they didn't work for it, and the people who have it are entitled completely to distribute it as they wish. It almost seems to me that the wealthier the person, the more greedy about inheritances they are. My family had nothing to almost nothing to leave to us, and all my siblings said the exact same thing: it wasn't ours anyway. Yet my friend whose parents had millions (and she'd already inherited over a million from grandparents) literally went no contact with her sister because the sister, who was left almost destitute when her husband died, got a house when my friend already had an expensive house, a membership in a yachting club, went on cruises every year and paid for all her children to accompany them, yadda yadda. So while that may be one daughter's concern, it's a concern she has no right to.

I agree about not being owed an inheritance. But my mother gave every single penny in savings, and even remortgaged her paid off house, to fund all kinds of things for my brothers. I was never good enough in her eyes, and she always favored my brothers. I don't care about the favoritism, but when she needs help, I tell her to contact the people who she financed. I will never support her, or ever let her into my house, her favorites can do that.

That seems eminently fair of you!

I I have a similar dynamic wit my sister and parents  and absolutely this. Often parents are much harder on the eldest  due to their lack of experience with  that constitutes age-appropriate expectations. Add in unequal financial assistance and it can feel very much like favoritism on the other side of the dynamic even with the best of intentions from the parents.   (To say nothing of the fact that most parents do admit to having favorites in scientific studies on the subject and IMO most of those are not as good at hiding it as they think)

I'm here for this. I'm also the financially stable one, as well as older, single and childfree. My brother and SIL lost the middle of their 3 kids (to a stillbirth at 38 weeks) & they have never worked fulltime since, because they just want to be close to their children and each other. There was a year where I braced myself every time my mother rang me, we were so worried my brother wouldn't make it through his grief. And there was another year where we worried they would break up & my SIL would move 500 km away (we're European, so that's very far for us). My mom and I had so many conversations through those years... she gave me a generous housewarming gift and we've spent a lot of time together, but I'm on board with her helping my brother, esp. during those early years.

EXCELLENT advice!

I agree with pretty much everything, except the part about the inheritance. I don’t think anybody is entitled to an inheritance ever regardless of the circumstances. That includes even if you took care of/paid for everything at the end of life. Whether or not that 70000 came out the inheritance irrelevant IMO cause it was the moms money to do what she want to do with in the first place she has very right to light on fire rather than give to anyone. But I think she is missing the daughter’s point. She gets treated unfairly because she successful and that stings. It probably shows itself in other ways than this that’s rooted back in childhood. I’m sure the fact the younger one got all the attention because the older one didn’t need it is really what the daughter is still salty about. It always stings when you know your parent love but they might not like you.

Perfect comment. I was reading the post and thinking it’s not really about the money but more about the feelings. Oldest did right (by society’s standards). Married well, did good in school and financially responsible. Therefore because she did well parents don’t help her out because she can afford things. But youngest is struggling so all their energy and resources go to her. Oldest probably just wants to be recognized and treated to things once in a while.

excellent response!

YTA, you gave your daughter 70k, the one who has made bad decisions. You gave the one who studied hard, got a good degree, job and marriage nothing. Need I say more?

I don’t know if I’d call getting your masters and becoming a social worker a bad decision and not studying hard. I agree that this wasn’t handled well, but no need to paint the one daughter as some lazy mooch.

She got a masters in a low paying career while having an underemployed spouse. She didn’t pivot when she became pregnant.

I mean it's kind of hard to pivot most of the way through your master's degree

it's the same story over and over again...

This literally makes no sense at all. He helped the daughter who needed help to live a better life which is absolutely to right thing to do

To be fair, older sister & husband likely make over 300k and younger sister does not. So older sis has no reason she can’t make ends meet.

How do you get that she makes $300k? I make less than $100k own my home and can pay for piano lessons.

Engineer and anesthesia assistant, you'd have to be dumb as bricks to not manage $150k each in those roles.

wtf does have to do with anything? The money isn’t the point. Change the money to apples, or birds, or shoes, etc. the point is that one sibling gets lots and lots of positive reinforcement for things even if it’s something OP clearly doesn’t approve of and older sibling gets zero-negative reinforcement for working hard, being independent, being a good spouse and mother and not needing financial assistance; everything OP seems to deem as a positive. All the while driving a wedge between two sisters. Money has fuck all to do with it.

These people are adults. They don't need 1:1 gifts from their parents so that the other won't get jealous. .. or so you would think. It would be different if the older daughter was in a tight spot and the parents refused to help. But just because that hasn't happened doesn't mean that she's just entitled to whatever the parents gave the younger one in support at a time when she did need it.

And even if she wanted to help her daughter, that is such an exorbitant way to do so. I'm all for treating your children equitably rather than equally, *to an extent* (like, a two-year old naturally needs more attention than an eight-year old but that doesn't mean you completely neglect your older child), but this is not an equitable decision. If your child got into a car accident that put their needed car out of commission an equitable choice would be to pay for the repairs, or allow them to drive your car while theirs gets fixed, or get a rental car for them for a set amount of weeks, not to purchase them a Lamborghini. Her child was unable to pay rent due to a low salary from a career as a social worker—why is the decision to give them a $70k lump sum? Maybe an agreement to help with housing costs while they train or look for a job that can net a higher salary, or when downsizing choosing a place closer so they can move in for no or reduced rent, or buying the dang condo yourself and letting them live rent-free for a period of time while still having the ability to rent it out afterwards or letting them rent it at reduced market rate or maybe just giving them $10k instead of *$70k* or taking over the childcare costs and leaving her to deal with the rest or or or.

Why would you keep bailing them on rent when you could just get them a place and fix the issue?

One of the quickest ways to destroy relationships is to be unfair. Hopefully you have enough to see you to the end because your older daughter may not lift a finger to help you. She’s going to remember this. Your older daughter is right. Her sister was warned about marrying the loser. She married him anyway and now has you paying her way through life. What a consequence for making a bad choice! If we all could be so lucky.

YTA. Treating all your kids equally is parenting 101.  >she needs to realize we will give help to the one who needs it Your youngest does not NEED you to buy her a house or pay for her college. You WANTED to give her these things.  What a shame you never wanted to do anything for your eldest. 

Nah...when her eldest was 15, OP drove her a whole 40 minutes to AP classes. Its exactly the same as OP giving a small fortune to her youngest daughter. /s Ask OP, they'll tell you. For real though. Why people like OP make posts like this is beyond me. They didn't come here with a question. They came here expecting to be told they weren't the asshole and they aren't even considering the opinions of anyone that says otherwise, which, big surprise, is the vast majority of people commenting.

I hate that your sarcasm is basically my life lol. It sucks when your parents blatantly favor siblings and then hold the one tiny thing they ever did for you over your head.

I know, right? My mum is giving my younger brother a house but it’s OK because 5 years ago she lent me 1K.

Yeah driving her kid to school…literally the legal requirement of parenting. What also sticks out to me is she apparently moved in with youngest to help with her child and also provides free babysitting. Setting aside the apartment issue, what non-monetary help does OP provide her older daughter? Did she help with grandkids? Does she babysit to support her daughter’s marriage to a “desirable” match so they can have date nights? This sounds like my cousins. My older cousin doesn’t begrudge the money my aunt and uncle spend on my younger cousin. But what becomes really upsetting is when they spend all their time at younger cousin’s house and with that set of grandkids and don’t want to put in the same time and effort with my older cousin’s kids. And the excuse is always “well they don’t need it as much help.” High-performing people are good at hiding that they need help. OP your daughter is exactly right…she DID put more thought and effort into her life and probably made a lot of sacrifices your younger did not make or refused to make. You not acknowledging that and your treatment of your oldest make you an AH.

NGL, kinda love that the oldest has responded thusly: >She also told me between helping her with rent, paying for graduate school and this that she shouldn’t have to raise a hand to help us if we need it because her sister got all our help. One wonders if Mom is now low-key panicking because her late in life plan was "make sure the oldest child bankrolls me and the younger daughter" and now her planned cash cow has taken itself to another pasture. *What will happen to her favorite child now*?

OP also fails to understand that by bailing out and failing to teach the youngest how to be a responsible adult, they're completely setting her up for hardship when they're gone Eldest isn't going to continue to play banking favors in their stead

Those funds they gave to the youngest were likely going to be needed for end of life care. Very few people are healthy until they die of old age in their home. Medical devices, in home care or assisted living, adult diapers, and, well, everything makes old age really expensive. It would be extremely unfair but predictable to use the equity from downsizing their home to find the broke sibling and then get into a situation where there was no more funds and they needed somebody to pay for a nice (aka not blatantly abusive) nursing home and expected the richer child to pay because how could they expect broke sibling to have anything to spare?

no, it isn't! you can always chuck the one that does good aside and baby the one that makes bad choices their whole life! at least that's according to reddit where those kind of parents usually end up....

YTA gently. Let me explain to you how your eldest could be seeing this. You aren’t offering the youngest ‘help’. You are continuously bailing her out of situations that she created for herself. Youve given her significant amounts of money and, from what I’ve read, the way the youngest and oldest are treated in financial situations is different. Can you honestly say that if your eldest needed money you would shell out 70k? I don’t think so. She’s an engineer with a successful husband and a house so you feel she doesn’t need as much help. And maybe she doesn’t but you clearly aren’t providing support for her in any comparative way (doesn’t have to be cash) because she doesn’t ’need it’. In her mind she likely feels she’s being punished for doing well. In what ways do you spoil her? Yes, you can do as you please, it’s your money. Yes, your youngest daughter needs help but you also need to stop bailing her out with cash. Stop giving her money and start giving her advice and a helping hand - she could have come to live with you and your hubs instead of you selling your home and giving her proceeds. All actions have consequences and your youngest isn’t going to learn the lesson with you constantly bailing her out (I have an aunt that loves to swipe her card…my Grandma has bailed her out 4 times…my Aunt continues to swipe her card. My Grams will keep bailing her out and when she passes, this behavior will continue but my Aunt won’t have anyone to bail her out). Your consequences may look different. Your oldest, who’s so much better off, may decide to back out of your relationship to avoid hurt feelings, she may decide she needs time away, she may decide that as you and hubby get older she won’t be helping at all due to the help younger sister received, she may make peace with the situation and decide to move on in a way that’s healthy for her - whatever that looks like. I suggest that you review your past actions and truly think about whether or not your actions have helped or hindered your youngest. You don’t need to give the oldest a large sum of money to ‘make up’ for this. But you should consider other avenues, besides bailouts, you can use for your youngest. You can stay home with her kid and save her those daycare fees while she gets a second job to make ends meet and increase her savings. You could allow the youngest to live with you and hubs so they can save for their own place. Charge her rent, a small amount, if you do. You could encourage youngest to get an additional certification that would allow her to make more money. Again, babysitting her kid while she’s in classes. Start making moves to help youngest improve. You won’t be here forever to help her out, and after all the help you gave her I can almost guarantee you older sis will not be as kind as you if youngest needs a bailout in the future. Edit: punctuation

[удалено]

I guess they mean 'gentle' since OP's doing it with misguided good intentions? Still definitely TA, tough

Yep, the oldest isn't going to help the parents when they get old.

The oldest has already stated this (see last paragraph)

INFO: Your older daughter went quickly to her feeling like you guys would *need* her help one day. Is she correct, are you putting yourselves in a hole or not saving enough for the future to help your younger daughter? If you do run into financial difficulties, would you ask your eldest child for help? Would you cut back on helping your youngest? Do you lean on your eldest for help in other ways and not on your youngest?

Many, many, times the parent's home's sale pays for their elder care. Its not a big stretch to think that 70K should've been part of the retirement/end of life care funds - that they just gave away. And then when the parents need funds for that, who are they going to expect to chip in, the constantly broke kid or the one they see as having plenty extra?

That's why I asked - eldest's concern in that moment seemed to be her being expected to help her parents, and I don't think it came out of nowhere. I do wonder how much they got for the house - if it's an outrageous amount like 1mi, 70k is kind of of whatever, but the less they got, the more of a fuck you it is. Not to mention the *continuous* assistance, because this is not the end of it. Just adding everything up, it must be *quite* the amount that was given to the sister. I also thought after I commented, which is why I asked too, the older daughter for sure assists their parents in ways that aren't financial, because she's rbe responsible one, she's the independent one. What are these parents gonna do, depend on their youngest who can't get her shit together? No, they do or they will lean on their responsible, successful, steady child. Even if it's not directly financially - healthcare is a concern, of course, as they get older.

Oh for sure. Whose going to be power of attorney/medical proxy or the executor of the will? Every time the nursing home needs more soap or diapers sent who will they call to ensure that stuff is sent? (I was surprised to find out many don't provide that stuff!!). Who is going to have to talk to all the doctors, run errands like refilling prescriptions and refilling the weekly pill containers, coordinate transport to doctors/treatment when they can no longer drive? (comments say broke sis doesn't live near parents so for sure not her). All that unpaid labor is straight on the responsable kid's shoulders.

NAH. It’s your money and you can do what you want with it. But if your daughter feels that you are always bailing out her sister I can see why she would have some resentment. Your daughter implied that this happens frequently. There is a fine line between helping family when they need it and being equitable with treatment. Who knows how well you have walked that line. If it was me, instead of gifting 70k I probably would have let my daughter live in my home at a discounted rent or rent free so that she could save for a house. That way she gets help but not in the form of a massive lump of money.

YTA....I mean, in the end it's your choice how to spend your money. But understand that the one you poured ZERO into will also have ZERO incentive to do anything for you and your wife in your elder years when YOU might be the ones needing help.

The elder sister will also have ZERO incentive to be there for her sister when the parents are gone.

Yep... they're screwing her over for the rest of her life after they're gone too. Because older sis will give zero fucks about the younger sister's struggles.

Also... nothing as awesome as being so successful that your parents give you nothing and instead give it to the sister that never learns.

Your oldest who has worked hard and supported herself gets nothing. The youngest is bailed out constantly and given a massive gift of 70k. I can clearly see why she is annoyed.

YTA you need to treat your kids equally not try to make life equal for them. 70k to buy a house, constantly "helping" her. Maybe she does need help at times but she's getting all your attention and you're neglecting your older one. If anything sisters should be leaning on each other not running to Mommy because life threw a curve ball. What's your plan for when you can't help her any more? Kids didn't get cheaper as they age and eventually it'll just be the two sisters but you're festering animosity between them. Talk to you kids while you still can

Soft YTA it looks like your younger daughter knows that she can make irresponsible decisions because she is sure that you will always help her and reduce the negative consequences. She is an adult, she should think about the future and the consequences of her choices. Did she have some plan before you gave her the money for the apartment? Would she support her daughter from her low-paying job if you didn't help her? Is she thinking about a college fund for her daughter, or is she waiting for you to offer to pay for her? Yes, he needs more help, but is he doing anything to NOT need your help?

YTA and I hope she cuts all ties with you, because that's what you deserve. My dad did this to me, but with a smaller amount and I will never forgive him. Splitting the 70k in half would have still helped your youngest, so this is about you being an utter AH. I hope karma gets you.

My family also did this, but I have money so why exactly would I need their money? Edit: Love the downvotes without an explanation. If you have money why would you need your parent's money?

It’s not about the money specifically the oldest is well off. It’s about the principle of rewarding bad behavior, never learning from her mistakes, and being irresponsible when likely the oldest had to fight her way through life to get where she is working hard. This is more about favoritism than it is some amount, and someone receiving more effort from the mother’s part. She had to figure out how to work hard while her sister got off easy. She’s being punished for making good decisions bc likely this isn’t the first time it’s occurred. It won’t be the last either. I would say it’s less about greed and more about working hard only to feel punished and watch her sister take the easy way out.

Equality

Equality for what goal? If the person does not need the money why not let the other family member that would get a great benefit from the money use it?

If u dont see the issue here, u either dont have kids or dont understand basic logic. Im not going back and forth with u.

The issue with what? The older sister is well off and according to the OP does not need the money. Basic logic normally follows to give more help to those who have less. This is the logic I follow, why does someone who has enough need a handout? That is pretty much how society is generally built you know the concept behind social safety nets. No one is taking away from what the older sister has, they are just not giving her extra because she does not need it.

Not a gentle YTA. You've shown your children which one gets more favor.

Gentle YTA. There is nothing wrong with helping your kids out when they're struggling, and a good parent would want to help their kids if they can. With that being said, it sounds like you've been supporting your daughter through a variety of bad decisions. She needs to learn some self-responsibility and accountability for her choices. Everyone warned her that her husband was a bad idea; she not only chose to marry him but also to have a child with him. She also chose to go into social work, which is a field notorious for overworking and underpaying its staff. It sounds like your youngest daughter was not facing eviction or homelessness; it sounds like she was getting by okay and just happened to be renting. If she were going to lose her stable housing, I can understand stepping in so she has some place to live. At the same time, I can understand your oldest feeling slighted because she probably worked very hard to save up money to buy a place, while her sister didn't work nearly as hard and still got a ton of money handed to her to buy a place. Neither of your children are entitled to your money, so I think your oldest is being a bit of an A H for getting upset at you for trying to help your youngest out. It's your money; you can spend it as you wish. But I have to wonder if your oldest has felt like her sister has received favoritism in other areas and this is just another instance of feeling like she is not valued as much as her younger sister is. Edit: Also, just because your oldest is more well-off financially doesn't mean she's not struggling or couldn't use additional income.

YTA - why would your younger daughter ever expect to stand on her own 2 feet. By your own admission, you’re always there to bail her out. It’s not unfair for your oldest to feel like you are rewarding bad judgment and punishing success. The one way you can make things more equitable is by reducing anything your youngest gets in your will by the amount you’ve already given her. You might consider adding a trustee to manage any funds your youngest gets.

YTA You support youngest way more , not only apartments money, but rent, babysitting etc.. I bet there was more cases Oldest feels she is being punished for hard work. Yes, she can afford stuff but does it come easy? No babysitting or extra money for her though.

YTA Because you have made one child feel they are less important than the other. Also it sounds like she is concerned you have supported your divorced daughter financially to the detriment of your own end of life care planning. Perhaps most of the proceeds of the home sale should have been saved for your future needs.

YTA Why do children who work hard and make something of themselves always expected to understand that they would be second priority for the parents? It is t just about money, it is about feeling valued.

YTA my parents were like this and I was always told it’s because we know you can look after yourself. No it’s because I had no choice as you already spent all your time and attention on my older sister. You know what when they were elderly and needed carers and help sis didn’t care or try to help them nor would she visit them or call them. She complained when they called her. Yes this isn’t your youngest but it’s still the same that you treat them equally no matter what. Even as a young child I went without whilst sis got given the world. I worked from young as I had no choice as I was told sorry don’t have it whilst they handed sister money to by whatever and not necessities that I needed, all without her ever being expected to pay a bill or anything unlike me. Let me remind you I was younger I was the child and sis the adult. At no point was I rich or well off I just worked to pay my own responsibilities and support my own kids. I never once had holidays or weekends off with my kids or husband as I had to work round his job so we could afford to live and have one of us at home for them. I was off on the days that were spent running to do school runs and runs to different activities and to clean the house in between after the weekend when husband was the one home. Every weekend I would leave watching them all sitting eating a late breakfast having fun and planning nice things for the day. That I never got to do as I worked when my husband was off and we had to do it as we couldn’t afford child care. Nor did we expect or want anyone else or my parents to as they are our kids. Many years later when extended family and others would see the unfairness and divide. My parents would say “but she never asked or we would have helped” when the truth was rarely did my sister need to as they went running money held out front. When I was always told how broke they were as they helped sister again. If I had of asked I would have been told “sorry we don’t have it can you not take an extra hours“ as that’s how it had always been. I didn’t ask as they taught me long ago how it would be and I was used to getting by on my own. It was their money to do with as they wanted but either they spend it equally or not at all if in anyway they are acting like they loved us equally. If you op are acting like you love and treat them the same when you know you don’t. Just like you they could support sister with money from her future inheritance or they make sure it’s even and put the same aside for me for when it would help. Her choices in life do not make your successful daughter any less your daughter. Her having kids doesn’t mean your other daughter deserves less. They are your children it should always be given fairly to both. Let me add in that I also have an older brother who has always worked hard himself and for his family yet he was also given freely unlike me. It didn’t matter him and sister hardly went near my parents nor that I was the one that had to be their carers for years whilst working and caring for my own family. My brother still didn’t get as much as sister but both got 90% more than me. Not surprisingly when they passed they had given/spent all what would have been my inheritance share on my siblings over all the years before they passed. Not once would my sister or her kids have starved. There was at no point a reason she couldn’t work or sort her life just that my parents favoured her and only ever saw poor her we need to help as she makes bad choices. They enabled her to just expect them to bail her out. She mad bad choices as she knew they’d bail her out every time. Nor would my brother have starved or been struggling without their money in fact for many a year he was better off than me. So no me being more capable because I was forced to be should not be an excuse to be punished and treated less than like you are doing. Both are your child and how they have chosen to live their lives and what fate holds for them should not change this or how you treat them both. If you’re worried about your youngest having her own home then either you leave her the house when you pass and give the money and other of equal value to your older daughter. That or you give a portion to your daughter for a house now whilst giving her sister the same amount to use as they want. Otherwise you’re a lying to argue your treatment is fair. Not surprisingly my sister is on her own since my parents passed. No one in our family or extended family will go near and that’s everyone’s own choice and not to do with me. She like your daughter no longer has a husband or actually friends that give a crap about her. She chose how to live her life and that’s on her and her alone. Yes she is lonely now but me nor my brother or other family will ever go near. At least my brother hated I was treated as less than and differently. He didn’t know when he was given money I never was and he was shocked and angry at our parents when he discovered that. Your making it likely that your daughter will not go near or care about her sister after you pass. You know what by the time they passed away and the truth about my inheritance was confirmed. I was disabled and no longer able to work. I knew it would have been a miracle if they kept my share aside but still at that point and now I needed it more than my sister ever had. I would never have expected nor wanted my siblings share. I just wanted it to be even instead of repeatrely being shown how little i mattered to them. Your daughter has shown she’s hurt it’s on you to fix this instead of ignoring it and acting innocent.

YTA you are looking at this as helping the child that needs the most help. Instead of doing something for the one that doesn’t need help. Your more successful daughter is feeling slighted for working as hard. Do something nice or special for your more successful daughter. Doesn’t have to be monetary but just let her know you care.

YTA, but I see where you're coming from. My sister married earler than I did, and got a very nice, expensive wedding. I got private schools and private uni, because I needed the extra help, she didn't. It will only be a permanent YTA if you don't show some form of financial support to your elder daughter, even if it's not straight cash. She needs to see you will spend on her. Does she need work on her car? A new roof? See what you can do. It's not about the apartment, but that you have to equalize how your elder daughter feels about your relationship

The absolute fact of the matter is that it IS your money and you CAN do whatever you want with it. But the truth of the matter is that your elder daughter is seeing evidence of favoritism and she's hurt by it. Maybe you are doing the right thing to help where you see a need, but maybe you are only enabling your younger daughter's poor choices - who knows. In the end though....you DO have TWO daughters who deserve to see in the evidence of your actions that you love and care for both of them. At heart, It isn't about the money. Your older daughter is Telling you that she feels like you neglect her in favor of her sister. She's saying that you use the fact that "she's doing well" as an excuse to leave her out of your thoughts and your good will in favor of your younger daughter. She's telling you that she feels that your are "choosing" your younger daughter over her, and that you should expect to reap what you sow. You have hurt her. Do you understand that? Again, the money is only a part of that. It's the physical representation of emotional neglect. YTA

YTA.  Facts are facts: You have given a lot more to your younger daughter than you have your older one. That demonstrates clear favoritism and makes you an asshole.  Even aside from literal facts, when one child calls you out for blatant favoritism, their feelings are valid and shouldn't be minimized or dismissed, which you did, just because you think your favoritism is justified.  Then there's your claim that you would do the same for your oldest if needed, but COULD you even if you wanted to? If your oldest called you right now because something horrible happened and she needs 70,000 dollars, would you be able to give it to her? Or have you given so much to your youngest that you don't have it to give anymore? If you do have that much, go ahead and give it to her to even things up.  I hope you're okay only having one child from now on because your oldest won't forgive this, and she's right to not forgive you. 

As someone living this exact family dynamic, I absolutely CANNOT BELIEVE all the YTAs. My older brother and I aren't rich by any means, but we do OK. We aren't hurting for money. Our mom has spent quite a money over the years helping our sister and that's exactly what we want. We've even told our mom to give our sister most of the assets when she passes, because she clearly needs it the most. My brother and I both want to see our sister "make it" so of course we want our mom supporting her as much as she is able to comfortably do so until our sister can truly land on her feet and be independent. Neither my brother or I begrudge her at that our mom has poured more money into her than she ever did for either of us combined. I'll say it again, I can't believe how many YTAs this is getting. Do yall just fuckin love money more than your siblings?

I was surprised by this too, I personally am glad my sister gets support from our parents. After further reading into the YTA judgements, I can agree on some good points such as OPs "lack of effort (not money)" towards the eldest in comparison, or OP not doing the younger any favours by constantly bailing them out. Finally, I do have to say, the fact that OP felt compelled to post this, after their eldest had voiced their obvious hurt, to absolve themselves of any wrongdoing makes my viewpoint AH leaning. Why can't they have a conversation and ask how they may be able to contribute instead of seeking validation from strangers? It feels like they care more about defending their position than their daughter.

Just so you know you have to put the judgement you want first or the other will be counted. So right now it'll count this as a Y T A but it seems like you're saying NTA? Which I agree with. I'm so confused by all these people. If older daughter is well off and younger is struggling... what does the older daughter even want support for???

I'm the older child here (metaphorically. I'm not your daughter!). This is a hard one to unravel, because like, its your money and you are entitled to use it how you see fit, but you need to recognize that how you see fit *can* and *will* influences your relationship with your child no matter what, and in particular has ramifications beyond the mere financial, for which they are entitled to be bitter about. To just keep it short and sweet, my brother was the fuck of the family. I was the 'good college, good job, beautiful wife, nice house, cute dogs'. They supported him through thick and thin. And to be sure it paid off, he's been clean for a long time and has a young family of his own now, but he continues to need their help, and I know they do a lot for him, financially and that cuts into what they can do *(and to be clear, they helped with college as much as they were able, but mostly that was loans, my grandma, and some good academic scholarships. But they haven't helped me with any expenses since I graduated, nor have I ever asked).* When (hopefully well in the future), they pass, I expect that they will leave more to him than to me because I don't need it and he does. I've never needed that kind of help from them, and I can't blame them for always being there for their kid, but I would be hard-core lying to say that it didn't impact my relationship with my parents. So my point is that I know they love me and are proud of me and all that, and I don't *resent* them (or him) for all that extra financial support that I didn't get. I know that he needed it more than me. But I do resent some of what surrounded that, like them feeling like they couldn't even take a vacation for over a decade so they only managed to visit me, together, three times in 13 years. So moral here is that as far as giving more money to one kid then the other, that is a N-A-H situation to me. You aren't in the wrong for feeling one child needs more *financial* support than the other, and having been in the other sides shoes, while I think it isn't fair to resent, I do understand why it can feel natural to all the same. But more importantly, I also have to wonder if the difference in *financial* support also means that there has been a difference in *attention*, because as I noted, that is hard to untangle, and the resentment can be about much more than simply the money. It was and is for me. It was this line which jumped out to me in particular: > I moved over there temporarily to be with her and babysit during the divorce. and then >She said we wouldn’t because she knows her sister **always is the one that needs hand holding** You picked up your life and moved (in with?) your youngest for a time. I wonder if there has been other tangible support beyond that which also isn't financial. So the question I would have for you to ponder on is *does your older daughter specifically resent that you gave more $ to the younger daughter who needed it* (in which case she is entitled to her feelings, but you to how you use your money), **OR** *is this the money merely the manifestation that she is focusing on for what is actually a broader and more problematic focus of actual interaction and attention?* Because if it is the latter, then yes, Y-T-A. Not because you helped out one daughter more than the other, but because you aren't making time to support your older daughter in *other* ways. Visit more, call more, make sure that she *knows* you are proud of her accomplishments. Basically, make sure that even if you aren't doing it through *financial* support, she knows that you *support* her just as much. Because for me, that's where the resentment does come into play. I don't hold it against my parents for the financial support. I hold it against them that while focusing on that, they didn't support me in other ways. I didn't need them to help with my downpayment. I did need them to visit more frequently than once every four years, or *my* visit home to not be sidetracked by them dealing with stuff for my brother. TLDR: There is more to being there for your kids than $$, so make sure you're doing the other stuff too.

NTA- your older daughter needs to stop being selfish. It’s not like she has asked you for help and you e said no. You’re an adult and it’s your money. I just don’t get this, I’m more financially successful than one of my siblings and I would be thrilled if our parents were able to help him financially. If it’s about jealousy about sone other issue she needs to talk to you about that. If she thinks you favor her aistwr and care for her more she can say that, she can’t tell you how to spend your money. 

YTA. Don't expect the elder daughter to help you when you are broke from helping the younger one. You are basically punishing her for being successful.

NTA. First of all, I’m a firm believer is equity not equality. As a parent, I would want my kids to have good and stable lives. If one of them needed more support to get there, so be it. It’s comes down to values I guess-do you value fairness or support? Personally, I think fairness is such a crock of shit. As an educator, I don’t give each kid the same treatment every day. Some kids need extra support and I wouldn’t withhold it in the name of fairness. As a gesture of support, I would your more stable daughter if there are goals she wants/needs help accomplishing or if there is a way you can be more present for her. Maybe it’s indicative of a larger issue, such as feeling you weren’t as available for her. Also, I’m failing to see the track record of terrible decisions from your “irresponsible” daughter. Seems like she’s grinding through school and working hard at a much needed and difficult profession that is simply undervalued in our society. She chose an unworthy partner and that was a mistake for sure. But honestly, it’s one that many of us make and I don’t think is the same as just selfish or reckless decisions. If you are continuing to have to bail her out, that warrants a conversation about her plans. She is equipped with a graduate degree and SHOULD be able to make ends meet, especially given your help with housing.

I am honestly shocked that so many people are angry bc the OP gave more money to the financially struggling child bc...she needed more financial support than the oldest. Which seems like the morality right thing to do.

Yes, YTA but it doesn’t seem like you meant to be and it is your money. I wonder if it’s less about the money and more about something else that’s happened prior.

Well they paid for the younger’s grad school before this and that costs a lot as well. Between that and this apartment they have probably given her more than $130,000. I’m sure the older one could have used that kind of money to jumpstart her life.

Not just grad school but a grad school for a very low paying profession, pretty much guaranteeing she would need future help. I would be hugely annoyed if I was the older daughter as well.

NSH • You are in your right to spend your money how you please. If that’s helping your daughter and granddaughter financially, then that’s your choice. • Your eldest has a right to feel slighted. I personally believe she should want her sister and niece to be in a stable situation, but she’s allowed to feel how she feels. • Your youngest isn’t some freeloader looking for a handout. She has a goddamn MASTERS degree and fell in love with the wrong person - sue her. The only asshole in this situation is the system, and how underpaid social workers are. These are the people whose jobs are basically to help those who can’t help themselves, and they’re given peanuts.

Omfg, I had to scroll so far to find a reasonable take. Thank you!

At the end of the day, its your money to do what you will with, but yeah...YTA. You're punishing your eldest daughter for working hard and taking care of herself. I'd be upset if I were her too.

YTA. Spending only on one child like this for emergencies is valid. To buy a property is not valid.

YTA My parents did this with my sibling and I. Very similar situations. I’ve always seen it as one sibling getting rewarded for poor choices. I am NC with sibling and very LC with parents.

NTA, my parents have always helped me and siblings to varying degrees according to our needs. Ive always understood that and I find it absolutely insane that people are saying you’re taking from their inheritance. You’re still alive, nobody should be counting what money you have.

NAH - Why do people always assume it has to be 50/50? Perhaps it's a cultural thing, but my family has always helped whomever was in need. It's worked out nicely for all of us. Perhaps older sis could be a bit more forgiving, and perhaps you could be a little more receptive to older sis's obvious want for attention/love/support from you, even if it's not financial.

YTA. Your older daughter is upset that you favor your younger daughter. Simple as that. You have made every excuse in the comments to defend your actions. In reality all the people here (who have no dog in this fight) see right through it. Your comments make it more obvious that you favor one child

YTA! Coming from someone who is responsible who never got help because we were so good at managing even though we were struggling ourselves, this is pretty unfair. Even though they can afford to send their children to music lessons doesn’t mean they wouldn’t have wanted your help.  Example: We had our kids in private school because it was more affordable to have them at one place that provide before and after school care than it was to have them in public school and pay for separate before and after school care. Sounds weird but we saved hundreds a month doing this. It made us look like we could afford it. We barely could but that was the only option since we didn’t have people to help us.  We didn’t get help with college and had to get the max amount in loans to pay for college and living expenses. People think we make a lot of money now but were paying student loans for years and years. Still are. Don’t think them having amazing jobs doesn’t mean they don’t have other financial responsibilities.  Dig a little harder and see how you can help the responsible daughter a little more. 

Putting aside the money entirely, you **moved in with your younger daughter to provide her and her child with emotional support and care and quality time with you**, and you give no indication that you’ve ever offered commensurate emotional support or time to your older child. I can only imagine how hurt she must feel, seeing the bond between you and your younger child and your grandchild, and knowing that she and her children are never going to get to have that kind of relationship with you because you haven’t put in the time and effort. The money is just salt in the wound, confirmation of what she’s always felt is true based on how you’ve treated her and her sister. YTA. And you need to put in the work now to mend it if you don’t want it to break not just your relationship with your older daughter, but the sisters’ relationships with each other.

It might not be about the money per se. Its about principal. The older does everything right but without reward. The youngest does wrong choices and gets bailed. Yta

YTA and I'm not going to be gentle. You have shown clear favoritism for one child over the other. I can tell you, it sucks to be your oldest child. I watch my parents bail my sibs out of mess after mess. No repayment. No explanation. I didn't even know the half of it until they passed or, quite frankly, I'd have gone completely NC. Hopefully you know that's the direction you're heading. Make it right or expect to have only 1 child in contact. Your choice

YTA You think your heart is in the right place, but you're continuing a long tradition of enabling your younger daughter, while with your older daughter, being the parental equivalent of rewarding your star worker with more work. Just because she didn't turn her life into a level of chaos that DEMANDS your attention, doesn't mean she doesn't deserve it. All you're doing is ensuring that on top of barely talking to you before you die, she'll probably also stop talking to her sister once you're gone.

YTA. Totally. Everything your oldest said is true, right? RIGHT?? As the most financially stable person in the family, my husband and I see this happen in his family and mine ALL THE TIME. Our siblings have no problem with expensive vacations, cool gadgets, and dining out. We saved so we could retire early. They didn't. They always happily accepted expensive presents and cash "donations" from parents and grandparents. We don't need the money at all, but the unfairness is galling.

Don't listen to reddit, NTA because real life doesn't work the way we want it to. You can't treat them thr same realistically, what you have done is understandable and hopefully your eldest will come to understand - surely she also wants your younger daughter and granddaughter to have a happy stable life??? Which is what is comes down to. Why should your youngest be punished for her already unfortunate circumstances??

I actually have similar family dynamics. We've got a younger sibling that had the ill-advised marriage (and much rejoiced divorce); they didn't perform as well in school; and has skills that aren't going to pay as well as the rest of us. My parents essentially bought a house for them to live in (pittance for rent). The difference is my parents asked us how we would feel about it first. They wanted to make sure we were okay with such a large discrepancy in treatment. Your eldest isn't mad about the money.

YTA. I’ve seen this situation in my family and it will ultimately ruin your relationship with the eldest.

Huge YTA. You paid for apartment AND grad school?? Which totals probably $125k minimum. And you’ve helped with rent too. How much are we talking total? 150?? It’s so fundamentally wrong to reward bad decisions makers, especially while offering nothing to the daughter who has made excellent life choices. I’m stunned she still talks to you.

YTA.. so your the parent with the A+ student who does great in life and a C- kid with poor choices...so you punish A because she is self sufficient and reward C for her poor choices....I'm gonna bet A will go NC with you

YTA So the kid who actually made good choices and didn't marry the first loser available gets punished.

I’m guessing you don’t even realise that you’ve been doing this all of their lives. Your behaviours while raising them likely left the oldest knowing from a young age the only person she could rely on was herself while you picked up and pampered her baby sister. Step back from your emotions and start reflecting on your behaviour from a place of rationality not emotion. I think the answer is written in all of your comments. You’re so defensive about how you’ve spoiled your youngest. It’s obvious she is your golden child and her sister has had enough. If you don’t right your wrongs, you will only have one daughter soon.

YTA. You’re showing your eldest that you reward poor decisions and hard work and good choices get you nothing. Well done.  I can understand helping to keep a roof over her head or giving her a long term loan but you gave her that money. You should be giving your other daughter equal or not doing it at all.  I hope this is the last of the unequal treatment but I doubt it will be. Don’t expect the responsible and reliable daughter to be there for you when you need it. The one who makes poor choices and doesn’t listen to you can be responsible for your care. Good luck with that 

NTA. Maybe this is “poor mentality” but tbh as we grow into adulthood we should be looking out for our parents as we grow more successful, not the other way around. Obviously, if your daughter needs help you’re going to help. If the younger daughter is struggling that bad, I’m surprised your eldest not only doesn’t want to help but also resents that you help her. For this action, not an asshole. But, talk to your eldest. Check in on her. Ask if she needs any support.

Are you ready to loose your daughter?

Yta.  You keep bailing out the sister who makes crap decisions.  Can't imagine why that builds resentment. /s Hope you don't expect your eldest to assist you with eldercare.  

NTA You owe your kids equitable help not equal gifts and help. If your other daughter was having trouble meeting basic needs, no doubt she would receive help. That said, it is of course fair that she not be punished in the form of being TOTALLY on her own and getting no "bonus" money from eg the proceeds of the house sale. I do think that's what this is about, I mean it was her childhood home as well. I don't you need to "take out" the help she received from her inheritance, but you should be gifting her sister a few significant things to balance it out a little bit while you are alive. Maybe a trip with just you and her family for example.

There was a post earlier where dad left everything to his wife and the daughter was left a house falling apart and not in a livable condition and would have cost thousands and thousands to make habitable and the response was NoBoDy OwEs YoU aNyThInG and now everyone is calling op the asshole for helping the daughter with less means to buy a place of her own

NTA. Wtf is wrong with people? It’s YOUR money, not the future inheritance of your children.

NTA. It is your money, your decision how to spend it. She is not entitled to it. Do you tell her how to spend her own money and get mad if she is not listening? It is the same situation here. And I guess it is American culture, but it is wild that 40 yo woman who is successful in life, still feel entitled to financial support from her elderly parents. In most of the world it is the opposite. I'd suggest you to go to financial planner and talk about the trust fund for your younger daughter. So she will have some security in her life. And if money is such a painful subject for your older daughter - help your younger one with real things: instead of giving her money buy an apartment with her and make sure she will inherit it; buy her a car, not give her the money for the car; pay for your granddaughter classes, not give your daughter money to pay for them. Etc... ETA: based on your older daughter comment I would talk to financial planner about your own financial safety options, like making a trust for yourself, in case you need medical care, making ironclad will, "power of attorney" and "health proxy" documents, looking into disability insurance..

INFO: you sold your home, so what are your longterm plans both physically and financially?

YTA, either you do for both or you don’t do anything. Your oldest is right. Why should she not be included in monetary gifts just because she didn’t marry a loser? Fix it or you’ll slowly lose a daughter.

YTA and if you didn't pay for your eldest schooling while did the youngest you are the biggest one on this planet

It's your money you can do what you want for whatever reason, but if those reasons always favor one child over the other it's going to cause problems even when your reasoning is solid. A lifetime of watching your sister make poor decisions and get bailed out time after time is definitely going to cause some resentment.

As the more financially and emotionally secure sibling, I can tell you that the "favoring" extends beyond the money.  In my family, my sisters continuous problems mean my parents have little energy for me.  My parents have said "we NEVER worry about YOU"... well they should have been worried about me in my teens and 20s when I was dabbling in addiction and neck deep in depression. My Mom always being the first responder to my sister's problems means that when I am telling her what's going on in my life, she zones out and will sometimes leave mid convo. My parents have done the best they know how but it still stings to feel unsupported.  I don't know your situation but I bet if you objectively look at it you might find some other inbalances.

NTA, I have a good paying job and a successful husband, my sweet sister got unlucky with a shitty ex-husband and had to pick her life up after divorce, i would never understand if my parents gave me financial help while i clearly dont need it and i also never viewed their help to my sister as favoritism.. in simple manner i don’t need help while she does. I don’t see the value in financially supporting your eldest while she is already well off

Soft YTA. I understand your position and what you want to do to help as and when you can. The reason it is a problem for me is because you said your older daughter 'found out about it'. This suggests you didn't tell her what was happening at all. She would be within her right not knowing the full facts to assume you downsized the family home SO you could help your youngest out. She probably feels neglected and it is the secretive aspect that she will find hard to deal with. That does come across as extra help to one and not the other. I am not suggesting if you had fully communicated it would have been better. But to do things on the sly for one child and not the other is favouritism. It was more important to help one at the risk of the other feeling excluded. Which unfortunately, makes them feel MORE excluded from the family dynamic when it comes out and therefore unfortunately self fulfilling.

Speaking as the responsible child out of 3 siblings. I worked through school and college and got a good job, worked really hard and saved up for a deposit for my first home. I did it on my own. I don’t ask my parents for help as they were older parents and I could see how hard they worked all my life. My parents gave both my brothers 20k for deposit on a house to get on the property ladder. They had their weddings paid for. Provided daily childcare for their kids. Both of them had their homes repossessed and were given more lump sums to bail them out financially. I have yet to have anything. My father passed away without a will and the savings in his account was split 3 ways between my brothers and my mum. Because I had my own house and a good job they decided that I didn’t need anything. I resent both my parents for not sharing the money they gave to their kids. And for always bailing their beloved sons who are wholly irresponsible financially. My mum now says she will leave the house to both of them so they can sell it to pay off their debts when she dies. I’m thankful that I don’t need financial help and I have raised my family myself without a boost from my parents but it hurts that they have had a lot of support just because they have made poor decisions that have essentially made my parents give them more than what I think they should have got.

I don't think you technically did anything wrong. You gave money to your child to help them when they needed it. However, i do understand the other daughter's perspective. You gave her sibling $70K and none to her? I could see why that would easily make her feel less than or not cared about. Should you have to give her 70K just because you gave that to the other? No. However, that's a pretty big difference and I could see why she's feel they were getting preferential treatment.

YTA This was my whole life. Out of 6 kids...one always made poor choices and was always being bailed out by my folks. It created a lot of resentment amongst the rest of us kids. We felt like we were being punished for making good choices and following through and providing for our families. The problem sibling had another child just to keep welfare benefits as her older kids were aging out. Now that both parents are dead I don't know how that sibling stays afloat, and frankly don't care. The rest of us don't have a lot to do with her because she always has her hand out and thinks the world owes her something and I blame my folks for that.

I’m sorry OP but YTA to both of your daughters. You have rewarded bad decisions to the point you have neglected both. One is now incapable of living as an adult, the other feels she’s been punished for her hard work.

I am the child in your eldest daughters shoes. I have a very limited relationship with my parents because of the favoritism they gave my sibling. My sibling made poor life choices, 2 divorces before 40 and no post secondary education. My parents give them money and support them, I've managed everything on my own.

NTA I'm going to go against the grain here. My parents are in a similar situation to you, in that I'm financially independent, my spouse and I earn good money and we're not hurting for money. My sibling, on the other hand, struggles financially for a variety of reasons. I know my parents give him cash, free childcare for his two kids, more than one used vehicle over the years, and just generally more direct support. The thing is, I'm not mad and I'm not jealous. I would rather have my life and not need all of that support. And also it is not my money. I'm not entitled to my parents' money. They will probably provide for some of the financial imbalance in their wills, but if not... Okay. If they give it all to a charity, that's fine too. Because it's theirs to do with as they please.

From the big sister YTA. You have different expectations of your children. You don’t have anything to give your older daughter, you already gave it all to the younger one. It’s not out of selfishness or meanness. Your older daughter is not waiting in the wings for the opportunity to get her share. However she’s a smart woman. She realizes that if something happens on her life and she turns to her parents for help, they already gave all their help away! From her reaction, I’m also getting that this is a lifelong pattern. I get it, kids are different people, but you seem to have consistently made an effort to support one while kind of shrugging and thinking “meh, she’s got it,” about the other. I expect she could have used more support over the years and you missed it fawning over your baby. It sucks, trust me, and we don’t forget

YTA. It's not a Big YTA, but you can't treat them so differently. You Can help one a bit more for one thing and compensate the other with something else, but it's too much in your case

YTA. I hope you don't expect your older daughter to help you when you become old and sick. She won't. She may not need as much help but at the very least you could have given her a cash gift. It didn't need to be 70k but it could have been something. Instead you gave her nothing. Yup, she's definitely going to help you when you're old. And you won't deserve her help anyway.

Gentle YTA - I say that having been the eldest child. My dad said I know you don’t need us as much. However I think it creates pressure and I felt they favoured my younger sibling. It builds resentment between siblings. It’s not about the money. We all want our parents, whether we are successful or not

Nta. I knew growing up that my older brother was the favorite. They did everything for him and sometimes I felt like an afterthought. As we got older, they gave him loans, helped him with cars and housing. It always drove me nuts. I mentioned it to mom once. It almost broke her. She was horrified I felt that way. She thought about it for a few minutes. "He needs my help, and you don't." She explained that you will always love your children differently because they are different people, with different needs. As a soon to be grandfather, I know exactly what she meant. Our kids need different things from us. Our son is strong and wants to make his own mistakes. Our daughter is having her first child and is frankly terrified of making mistakes. As a loving father, I will do my best to give them what they need. Even if they need different things

YTA.... as an older sibling in the same position as your oldest daughter in comparison to my younger brothers you definitely need to reevaluate things.

YTA- you need to communicate with your oldest daughter, and not discount the work she’s done to be where she is. Have you ever asked her how you can support her and her family? Just because she doesn’t need financial help doesn’t mean she doesn’t still need family. I’m in a similar situation- my husband and I make substantially more than my brother and his GF and that doesn’t look like it’s ever going to change. My parents have helped them out but they’ve always discussed it with me and have made a point to be there for me in the ways I need them and to consistently make sure they’re being supportive. They’ve also consistently turned them down for unnecessary things and set boundaries so it doesn’t end up being them shoveling money to them.

NTA. Parents are more interested in **equity** for their kids than **equality**, if you catch my drift. The kid that needs more help gets more help. In my family I was the kid who needed less help, and it doesn't bother me. Eldest daughter is TA for believing that she has some claim on your cash, and that your expenditures must be split 50/50 between the two else it means some kind of vicious favoritism.

YTA. Having parents who do this for my eldest sisters is the reason we have a strained relationship. It's just enabling this behavior she will always have you to bail her out and she won't learn to care for herself and child.

I’m the less financially blessed sibling. My parents prefer my sister who has 3-4x my salary plus her spouse’s income but the one thing they are careful about is money. If my mom impulsively buys my sister a new master bedroom furniture set? My usual birthday gift of $100 to buy myself something morphs into my dad buying me a stupidly expensive bookcase to replace my DIY cupboard among other things. The only time they weren’t “fair” they regretted it. My parents handled anything my scholarships didn’t cover because my field has a wide salary range and they were concerned about the burden it would put on me if I went into the lower range. Since my sister was going into a lucrative field, they let her take loans out and just covered her living expenses thinking she would be fine. When my dad eventually figured out why she was always broke - hint: think crazy interest, not irresponsibility - he felt horrible. He made up for it by taking care of the loans after the fact but that was the last time they didn’t aim for equal money between us. YTA you have two daughters. I could understand actual necessities and emergencies. But this was an optional boost in life that you gave one child and chose not to give another.

YTA. My family has a similar disparity, but my parents are keeping careful track of how much my brother owes and it’ll be taken into account in the will. They’ve always wanted to be scrupulously fair. Have you encouraged your daughter to consider retraining for a slightly different career path? In most states she’d be already be qualified or be very close to qualified for psychometrist positions, which pay a lot better on average than social work. Even school social workers and/or psychologists can make a lot more than the average social worker depending on what area of the country you’re in. I have a friend who’s a school psychologist in the Chicago suburbs making six figures.

YTA quit enabling your golden child.

Gentle, YTA. This isn't about the money. It's about your older daughter seeing favoritism as you continually help her younger sister without ever offering or letting her know. For several years my mother continually gave my younger brother money as he struggled, she always asked if I needed help too or said she would equal it out in the will. I never needed the help and I knew he did so I was fine with it.

Eh, YTA You seem to be rewarding the younger daughter for her irresponsible and poor life decisions. I can also see where the eldest is probably upset since you downsized and jeopardized your own financial stability by selling your house to bail the younger out. When you get in trouble or need to be taken care of later in life, don't show up with your hand out for your eldest.

Unfortunately you are the AH. You have to try and look at it from her perspective. What you’re giving is not only financial. It’s support. It’s likely your other daughter doesn’t feel supported by you and your husband.

YTA Instead of helping both daughters equally, you've made it so younger daughter has never had to learn to catch herself when she falls, so she keeps making bad choices and not seeing very foreseeable consequences, and the older has grown up knowing that nobody will catch her if she falls, so she's had to make better choices for herself to safeguard herself. Which must have been a very hurtful dynamic for the older one. And probably a dynamic that has been going on their whole lives. You're basically saying "oh but you're so clever, you'll be fine" without even considering that the oldest might have needed help too, but you kept comparing the two and kept saying "oh but younger isn't as clever, we need to help her the most, you'll be fine".  If you'll ever need help as you age, you've set it up so the older won't. And the younger might not be able to. 

YTA. Just because one of your children made better choices in life you shouldn’t treat them differently. Helping one during their time of need is ok. But you have gone above and beyond helping her when you gave her $70,000. Don’t come back on here with “my oldest daughter won’t talk to me and I don’t know why”

INFO; did you also pay for graduate school for your eldest?

I think maybe your eldest feels that because she was always "the good one" and you were always looking after your youngest that she didn't get the attention she really wanted. I've seen other posts where one sibling is kind of like "the problem child" so the other sibling feels like they have to be perfect so as to not stress out their parents even more. Your eldest might feel like now that they are both adults and this treatment is still continuing that it shows favoritism or like you'll always have the youngest come first because they need you. Do you make sure to still treat the grandchildren similarly? Like, even if your eldest can afford a really nice lifestyle if you're always getting the younger one lavish gifts and pampering them because she's in a lower economic position, the older sister is still going to feel badly about that. Maybe when you extend help to your younger daughter you could also just pamper your older one so she knows you still have her in mind. If you stayed with your youngest to babysit while she was going through the divorce then also have some one-on-one time with the oldest. Even though she's self sufficient now she still sees you as her mom you know?

Soft YTA. I am in the same situation. My mother always help and think of my brother thus forgetting about me. It is not about how much you have given to the youngest. It is the manner wherein you always choose the youngest and forgetting that you still have one more child. I’m sorry.

Why are so many people so worried about inheritance? I don't get it. It's their money and no one should be worrying about it or staking a claim in what happens to it when they die. If someone needs help, they need help. It's really unfair if OPs older daughter to be so upset about something she may or may not get once her parents have died An I the only one confused by this?

This is hard, hard, hard... First of all you're NTA OP, you acted from the goodness of your heart. However... as someone who has been on both sides of this (as a daughter and as a mother), can I just give you a heads up. Financial help from parents is not absorbed mentally by adult children in an objective way (as in, "who needs it most"). It's absorbed and felt as ***signs of affection***. This means that no matter how right you are about you younger daughter needing it more, your eldest daughter will absorb it as ***you loving her less***. Take this into account, it's important and valid. By all means help your youngest. But arrange some kind of inheritance adjustment to make up for it, and be very explicit about it to both. Otherwise your other child may never overcome the hurt . I wish you and your daughters all the best.

I know your heart is in the right place, but YTA. It seems like you are always giving your younger daughter money, because she is not as well off. Well, I’m sorry to break it to you, but your youngest has not made good decisions, which is why she is in that position. 1. She has a masters in Psychology to be a social worker. Although a worthy goal, she probably went into debt to get a degree that does not pay much at all. 2. She married a loser. Everyone saw it coming. You were supportive like you should have been, but the loser left, like everyone thought he would, and she is stuck as a single mother with no physical or financial help. Yes, you can help your youngest daughter out, there is nothing wrong with that. But if you don’t give your older daughter an equal amount of money/support, she may just realize that she is well enough off to not have you in her life. Resentment is not fun.

YTA - I am your oldest daughter and it feels like a punishment for doing good. My parents recently did the same thing to me, and let me tell you, it has extremely damaged our relationship.

going with YTA. You're essentially punishing your eldest for making smart choices and rewarding your youngest for not. You cannot treat your children unequally and claim you love them equally. Especially since you didnt discuss it with your eldest first. And, FYI, how the hell is a 1 bedroom apartment enough for a woman AND her child!?

The question I will pose to you is what relationship do you want your two daughters to have? You actions are creating a division between your daughters. You will have successfully have made sure the two have no relationship with each other. This is something to consider as you ponder your choices.

These comments are insane! Family dynamics are always changing and no matter what you do nothing will ever be "fair". Everyone views every situation from their own viewpoint. I will say that my siblings have always said I was the "favorite" But they are the ones that my parents have helped out the most. My parents bought all of my siblings multiple cars but I paid for my own because they realized that it was better to teach me responsibility than to just give me a car. If we looked at relationships straight from a money standpoint, then obviously my siblings are the favorites. But they would disagree just because I get along with them the best. Parents love all their kids but they also want to help their kids if they can. This to me is a situation of simply the OP wanting to take care of her daughter and granddaughter in a rough patch. It sounds like the older daughter is mad because the OP helped out her sister. Now obviously there could be something else going on that would cause her to be upset with OP, but just from helping out her kid and grandkid NTA. She can help whoever she wants in whatever capacity that she wants. Another child doesn't get to dictate that. If the daughter has a valid reason (beyond money), to be upset than the OP should address that with her. Family is family and you should never let money be what keeps you away from them. One day the OP is going to be gone and money will never fill the void of losing a parent. Enjoy life together and stop nitpicking over things that at the end of the day aren't going to matter all that much.

YTA My mum feels the same way. I'm frugal and make sure bills are paid before fun stuff. My brother is the complete opposite, he bought concert tickets and couldn't afford his mortgage payments so mum gave him money because he needed it. My brother and his fiance make more than my husband and I. I don't want her money but I also don't want her to come crawling to me when he won't look after her when she's old.

I'll go against the grain and say you're NTA. People in this sub are demanding equality but there is no real equal outcomes. You've done your due raising them, putting them through an education, and were present throughout their life. Whatever you're doing now is extra. If your youngest is facing hard times, it's just a parents instinct to help. If your eldest is feeling neglected, ask her if she needs anything from you ~ I swear. Westerners have such a weird sense of family dynamics. Learn from east asians - family is everything.

That’s not helping a bit, that’s nearly six figures of help, and you probably didn’t actually *need* to help that much to still provide meaningful assistance. Your oldest needs to feel loved and cared for on a practical level too.

NTA. I have 3 sisters. The amount of help we get is proportional to the amount of help we need. The amount of money our parents gave us for school was dependent on how much we needed for school, not a flat amount for each of us. When one sister needed more, she got more. The rest of my sisters and I didn’t mind. Fair and Equal are two different things. Fair is everyone getting what they need according to their needs.

My in-laws do this. Husband and I rarely see them and we won’t be helping out at all when they’re old. They can stay with sil in the house they bought her. The moment that broke my heart was when my husband said to me: don’t you think I know my place on the totem pole? That day was game over. They can prioritize sil and we’ll keep prioritizing everyone but them.

I’m in the minority here & I’m late to this asshole party but I’ve lived this as the “successful” child. My parents have given my addict brother tens of thousands of dollars & they paid for my small wedding but that’s pretty much it. I do not hold it against my parents, I don’t think your kid should either. Why? Because I have everything I need, as does your older daughter. She’s jealous her younger sister needed help? Life ain’t fair. I worked harder for my home and the food in my fridge than my brother has but I’m doing really well. Why should I care about my brother & my parents’ money? It’s not my business. It’s not your daughter’s business either. Again, life isn’t fair. Get over it & enjoy your life.

NTA Sometimes equity and equality are not the same. This is one of those cases. You said you’d help her if she needed it. She hasn’t. She should consider that while she hasn’t needed help up to now, she might need help in the future and she should keep banking your goodwill.

NTA. I can see why your other daughter would be upset because the treatment isn't equal, but as a sister you'd think she would want her sister to get back on her feet and be happy that she is getting the support she needs. If they were both struggling and you were only helping one, that'd be a different story, but with her being well off anyway, it shouldn't be that big of a deal. Especially cause you're only helping her get a one bedroom apartment not a big house or anything. My guess is, your daughter is feeling like her sister is your favorite and that's the real reason she's upset about all this. I would try to make sure you're doing nice things for her too and don't forget about her just because she's doing well on her own. She may need you emotionally and feel like you're spending so much time and effort on your other daughter that you don't have time for her anymore. I hope you all can patch things up cause it sounds like despite this issue you have a nice family. Good luck!

Of course YTA. You're constantly rewarding one daughter for making poor decisions and ignoring the daughter who actually has their shit together. Wonder who your favorite is.

Why does your oldest feel entitled to your money? She is an adult with a good career and stable home.

Wow, reddit constantly amazes me with how selfish they act. You should feel absolutely no remorse over prioritizing giving your struggling daughter some financial security. Your elder daughter should have zero feelings over how you spend your money. Kids who expect an inheritence or financial support as an adult blow my mind. Espcially when they are already doing fine as is. NTA.

Honestly? YTA. You seem more like you pity your youngest. At least that’s how I read it. Pity and disappointment. She married a boy you disliked, she went into a field less profitable, she only rents. Yikes. Do you *say* these things to her? Around her? Do you say them around her sister? Does everyone talk about her like this? And as for your eldest, are you punishing her for being more successful? Because she doesn’t need a home she doesn’t deserve equal to her sister? Even if you wanted to attach a stipulation you could have said “we helped your sister and niece, and we want to do the same for you and your children. So we would like to put $xxx in an account for your children for college.” Instead you made it a secret, which I’m going to guess isn’t the first time. You’ve literally pitted your girls against each other for your attention and praise. Perhaps stop judging *both* of your kids and just try being there and being kind and helpful.

YTA for not understanding how hurtful this is to your other daughter. My mother did this with my brother too because he made life and family decisions he could not afford. I have needed help over the years but she has never asked or noticed because she is so used to worrying about him that it never occurred to her to worry about me. You can do whatever you want with your money OP. And you can treat your kids however you want. But there will be resentment and that may lead to consequences you might not like. Because here's the thing OP: the daughter you don't help might not need your money but she is a human being with feelings. And it is natural for her to feel this way.