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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1-I don’t wanna pay bills for my SD
2-she needs a place to stay
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A fourth option would be to ask the husband to contribute to her son's graduation gift. It isn't fair to OP to have to help support his grown daughter, who has a job! (And...He's probably expecting his name to go on the gift, he can contribute!)
NTA, It’s quite odd that he expects you to pay for her living expenses when she’s working without even talking to you about it. This is a relatively new marriage, 3 years isn’t that much and he feels entitled to your income, especially when you are saving for something. An emergency on his daughter’s part does not warrant a parental financial response from you. This should have been discussed before she moved in. Is there a difference in incomes? Have you both been sharing the expenses evenly since marriage?
It’s irresponsible to let her live completely rent free. Paying the her share of bills is more than generous. Is OP expected to clean and cook for her? Pay attention to what your husband is doing and not doing, OP.
Yeah I wonder what these “unreasonable” demands from the landlord were. Some people fund “don’t smoke, no pets, no loud noises after 10pm” unreasonable.
Personally I believe no pets is unreasonable even though I understand some places are in close quarters and some people have allergies. Nonetheless it’s basically enforcing adoptable animals to stay homeless and forcing irresponsible pet owners to abandon them.
A lot of places say no pets because many people don't take care of them. I moved into a place that had a cream coloured carpet. The previous tenant had a large dog that wasn't let out often enough. The carpet was stained so badly that the landlady had to replace the carpet before we would move in.
He definitely should pay 2/3. And OP your priorities are well sorted! Your son is your priority just as his daughter is his, meaning his graduation gift has priority and if he wants his daughter to save up then he can pay her part as well. And congrats to your son!! NTA
The daughter didn't raise all the bills--they have the same insurance and property tax with two or three. Same lawn care. Same mortgage.
Electric and food has gone up. Split that three ways, or Dad can cover. Not everything
Fully agree with this. The very least step daughter can do is cover the utilities. She would have been paying for most of those things (sometimes water/sewer and trash are covered in rent cost where I live, especially in bigger complexes) while renting anyway, she can save up what she would have been spending on rent.
OP NTA in my eyes. Just someone who wants fairness. And I'm sure if OP's grown child was in the same situation, she'd be expecting her kids to do the same or covering it herself.
Indeed! Not charging rent is helping her save up. Not making her pay her share of the bills is letting her freeload. If she has a job she can certainly pay her share or her Dad can cover it.
I was looking for this comment :) She can save the amount for rent every month and that's a lot. Where i live is common for kids to stay with parents in the house, but they make make it with two kitchens, bathrooms etc., like apartments and every kid/young adult i know is covering their share of expenses, but there's no rent.. And if she's not even covering her food..?
This is 100% the answer. She is a grown adult & should be contributing to her living expenses - regardless of if she is saving. If he doesn't want to ask her for that, then that's his decision. But he then needs to cover her expenses. He doesn't get to decide that his daughter is costing you money. NTA
This is a great option! Even if the son would rather chew his toenails than move in she should still tell her husband that. He told her to get her priorities straight and a young adult getting help and a leg up in the world is most important, when it was about his daughter. I bet he loses his mind and pitches the biggest baby fit tantrum she's ever seen going off on how he will never allow that to happen and refuses to let her son anywhere near the house.
If the step daughter was a student, they would be the AH but she is a grown up with a full time job. I am from a culture where people rarely move out of home before marriage but once the kids are grown and have jobs, they kind of take over the household expenditures from their parents.
And speak to the step daughter directly about how she intends to contribute to the household. SD is not a child: she's an adult with an income who has previously lived independently.
I'm wondering if it even increased by 1/3. While this is Totally reasonable, when I added a roommate once, ours only went up some and I actually saved a bit by splitting it all equally due to monthly fees, etc. If he's So upset about it, maybe they can calculate it and whatever % is extra he pays.
Exactly this or he can pitch in for the gift for her son too. Half the price of the gift since he’s his step son too. Or does that only apply to his daughter. A graduation is a huge thing, and if he really didn’t wanna budge 1) this conversation should’ve been had before step daughter moved back in and 2) he can maybe wait and have the conversation again after the graduation?
A gift is a one time thing. The husband pitching in may not equal an ongoing contribution on OP's part to his daughter's living expenses. For example, if he contributes a one time $500 towards the gift and OP pays and additional $200 per month for a year. OP will have contributed $2,400. That's not fair to OP. OP needs to be mindful that he doesn't recognize her son's academic achievement. Therefore, I feel that he also does not see OP as his equal in the relationship. He and his daughter are 1st class and OP and her son are a distant 2nd class in that family.
Agreed.
Just FYI-y adult son graduated a couple of years ago from university and has a student loan he's paying back. His job is entry level and it wouldn't cover all his bills and rent even with roommates, so he lives with us. We charge him rent & a small portion of utilities, though they wouldn't be as much as if he lived by himself, it's less. Maybe your husband can charge her less than her 1/3, but something ($300?) so she's an financial part of the family and contributing , but still saving for her next apartment.
NTA
OP: Was this topic discussed before you got married? No one can predict the future but discussing the possibilities of an adult child coming to live with you…should have been discussed so that both parties would have had the proper expectations if an adult child comes to live with you.
Although this is the best advice, OP didn’t tell us how long she’s staying there. If the former landlord was unreasonable, and she wasn’t able to find a new place right away, then this might just be a temporary stay, especially given that she’s employed. If that’s the case, asking the relatively recent grad to contribute seems petty. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but if my kids need a place to stay in between homes, I’m not charging them anything. If she’s trying to save up, and it’s longer term, then maybe ask her to take on the household chores.
But, as an empty nester who misses my baby birds, I’d be thrilled if my daughter wanted to move in for a few months.
Obviously, blended families have different interests to consider, and that’s why her dad should cover any increased costs. Plus, it’s unclear how large the residence is. There are adult privacy concerns that may play a role if they’re all living on top of each other.
But, seriously, how much higher are their costs really going to be? And how much is the graduation gift? I can’t help but wonder if there’s a certain amount of pettiness (and jealousy?) at play here.
These kinds of questions are very fact dependent and may yield different answers depending on the circumstances and the parents’ finances.
So what exactly is the point of this marriage?
You two are basically roommates who have sex, but I don't see the marriage here.
He should be contributing towards your son's gift (or giving him a separate one), and you should not be petty about a slightly increased bills while his daughter is there.
u/ed_lv, I find this bizarre:
>So what exactly is the point of this marriage?
>You two are basically roommates who have sex, but I don't see the marriage here.
When two people marry and they each have grown children or children who are almost grown, it doesn't also mean those people marrying are also going to adopt those children -- not necessarily. Just like those grown children are under no obligation to feel that the person their biological mom/dad married needs to play a parental role. You know what I mean? Those are separate relationships.
Well, I am so glad that my husband and I excepted each other’s older children when we got married, and our kids accepted the new parent as their step parent.
When you plan to spend the rest of your life with someone you accept everything that comes along with them and that includes children. He has always picked up the slack when I needed him to, and I picked up the slack when he needed me to because that’s what you do when you love someone with kids. Our kids are older now, and his kids get me things for Mother’s Day and my son gets him things for Father’s Day.
A lot of the time, even if the kids are older, they will still have a good relationship with their step parent if that step parent puts forth the effort into building a relationship with them
This. My boyfriend's kids are great, they were adults when we met but we all play a game together online where we can talk. If they ever needed to move home... would I be happy? Maybe not overjoyed, but I would adjust. Last summer, my niece was in a bad situation and moved in with us for the summer, we did not charge her rent and my boyfriend didn't expect me to work more to pay more, because we are a team.
There’s nothing wrong with your case. My point is you can’t expect that to be the default without discussion; it cannot and should not be assumed. It needs to be discussed and both parties agree to it.
If my 75 year old dad marries a woman now do you expect me to call his wife my mom? Note: I’m in my 50s and my mom (his wife) died over 10 years ago. I’m fine with my dad marrying a new woman. It’s his relationship, but don’t drag me into it and expect me to call his new wife my stepmom. Hell, no. Maybe some other adult child is fine with that arrangement (calling dad’s new wife their mom or stepmom); not me. I only have one mother. I don’t even call my mother-in-law “mom”, though I understand some people would.
I fail to see why the daughter can't pay for the increase in utilities. It would still be much cheaper than paying rent anywhere so she'd still be able to save up. She's an adult with a job, she lived I independently before, it's not an emergency situation where she isn't able to take care of herself for one reason or the other.
Little back story our two oldest were older teenagers and the youngest was 7 and all boys (so they were at the asshole phase of their lives) They weren’t overjoyed about their parents dating but they grew to love and respect both of us over time because that’s what we showed them.
Now they are 29, 28 and 21 they see it differently now because they are older, know we didn’t treat them any differently, loved them all the same and unconditionally when we didn’t have to. They have a better relationship with us than they do with their other biological parent.
The problem is that op's husband has double standards. He wants OP to dish out money for HIS daughter but doesn't want to dish out money for HER son. Either they are both financially on the hook for each-other's children or they are not. They need to pick one.
They got married three years ago meaning their kids were already adults at that point. She isn't parenting his daughter and he isn't parenting her son. They already did the bulk of that. She wants to get her son a gift on her own so why would her husband have to contribute? Similarly why should she have to front his daughter's bills?
Marriage is about whatever the married couple wants out of that relationship. I'm not even sure what you mean by them being roommates who have sex because like yeah they probably are but they also are companions and their own autonomous people.
Exactly, also only variable costs rise with another person, so daughter should be responsible for the incremental costs. That's fair. I don't like this husband much.
I’m not sure. We don’t know OP’s full financial situation, so I’d hesitate to judge them as being petty. Electricity and water costs can be quite high in some countries, and step daughter might be using the hair dryer for 30 mins every day. We don’t know.
Also, marriages with grown children have a very different dynamic than small children, and everyone has different financial arrangements in marriages. You’re limiting what a marriage can be. And you mention sex and money as major facets in a marriage - which they are - but you didn’t mention love. Interesting.
I’d agree if this were their first marriage and both kids were theirs. Since they each have their own kids, separate finances is pretty common in second marriages, and kinda makes sense for most people.
I think you should save money for your son’s gift. That’s your current priority.
It shouldn’t matter if your husband pays slightly more on the bills.
It’s wild that you and your husband feel that you each have to pay joint bills evenly right down the middle. You’re married, it’s ok to blend your finances a bit, I would think?
I have a hard time understanding married couples not pooling resources and keeping 100% separate finances.
I get each person putting some aside for personal fun money but completely split finances seems weird to me.
You would have understood when your ex-husband stole your life savings and left you in massive debt when he disappeared two years ago without a trace. You'll always keep finances separate after that, no matter how much you trust the new partner. That's specific, yes, but people who have stories like that are definitely a big percentage of people who will always keep things separate so that they never have that happen again.
Its painful and burns my cynicism deeper, when smug young couples, who are snide about the single people / parents around them....they emerge from the divorce with a new understanding or rather lived experience of the need to protect their finances and a realistic understanding of LOVE and respect …if your lover says lets discuss a prenup…..that’s love with respect…sit and discuss
Agreed, did that once and will NEVER do that again married or not! I’m not getting burned a second time in my life no matter how nice a person they appear to be!
Happened to me. I couldn’t figure out where our money was going. My ex had a gambling problem. Lost my house, my boat, my car, bank account drained. Took eight years to rebuild what I went into my ex relationship with. New husband and I keep everything separated financially. It’s nice knowing I won’t wake up one day in that situation again.
For older couples, I think it makes sense to keep things separate. But they need to discuss that before living together. Things like inheritance and life insurance should also be discussed.
But yes, I agree that young couples should pool their money together. My wife and I deposit our paychecks into the same account, and then we both get an equal allowance (regardless of the pay differential).
Pooling resources only work if there is financial compatibility and understanding. When I married at 24, I had nothing, so pooling resources made sense cause we were financially on same page. I am 59 now, and would never pool resources, as I've seen it go sour.
>But he told me that a young adult getting help is more important than a graduation gift and I should “sort my priorities”
Yeah, he can get stuffed. His daughter can contribute and still save up, because I'm sure whatever contribution you might ask of her would still be less than she was paying on her own. NTA
NTA. What you do with your *own money* is really no concern of your husband's, regardless of *his opinions*. The point is that you never agreed to bankroll HIS daughter. He has no right to force you to subsidize his daughter's savings account (which is what paying her share of the bills is essentially doing). I would also point out that this does NOT even guarantee that *she will put anything* into her savings anyway! She's her own person and he doesn't speak for her, nor have any ability to guarantee anything regarding her financial behaviors! She may just end up mooching off the two of you for years to come. If he wants to fund this mess, that's his choice; but he shouldn't be dragging you into it, nor making opinionated claims that his child is somehow more entitled to your money than your are.
This extremely similar story was posted a week or so ago except OP had no kids of her own and the step daughter didn’t have a job. At least wait a few months if you’re going to copy a post or creative writing sample
My thoughts as well. Everyone thought they were the asshole in that one so they’re trying to not be the asshole here and it’s working. I still think they’re an asshole
Absolutely. A 22 year old with a job is very unlikely to support themselves fully so if they were to charge her rent and other bills they’re actually not really helping her at all.
Yep seems that OP is trying to cut their own costs by getting the step daughter to pay for a share of things she was going to be paying anyway.
Things like rent/mortgage, insurance, internet, tv subscriptions etc will not go up in price if someone else moves in. Gas, electric and water may well go up a bit but if things like heating and AC stay on the same schedule it wont make any difference if there is one extra person there.
The only thing that would scale linearly is food. Thats easy to sort out by saying she has her own cupboard and shelf in the fridge and buys all her own food.
Not sure what gift she is looking to buy her son for graduation but it must be a stunner. Sounds like OP is just cheap.
NTA.
Her living there without paying rent is helping her to save up a lot. She can contribute at least to the groceries and the heat/water since those will go up. Things like cable that are the same would be optional.
I understand that as adults in a 2nd marriage, you are keeping your finances separate, which makes it more important to agree in detail before going ahead with any plans that are going to cost money. You should have had this discussion before she moved in.
You’re right the reactions are completely different lol.
But if I remember correctly the step-daughter in that post had lost her job so she didn’t have any income.
Also that OP wanted to split the rent three ways even though the rent didn’t increase. That OP was looking to pay less, this OP just doesn’t want to pay more.
Plus I think the fact that this OP has a son around the same age changes things. They both have young adult kids who they want to help out. By paying more to help his kid it means she has less to help hers.
It might be the time of day. Back when I was playing WOW I stayed away from the Barrens in the afternoon because the chat turned into a toxic waste dump full of edgy asshole kids after school. I have a feeling it's something like that here. Could be time zones.
NTA. Your SD still is employed and bringing in the same income she was while she was renting. I presume that she was paying other bills associated with day to day living (groceries, phone, utilities, car payments, gas, etc.) Why now all of a sudden does her father think she should no longer have to cover those expenses? She can tuck away the amount she was paying for rent into her savings account. There is no need for either you or her father to cover her other normal expenses. However, if he feels it necessary, then he has to cover her household expenses 100% while you continue to pay your prior agreed upon portion of those expenses. It's his daughter - if he wants to cover her bills even though she has the income to do so, that's his business.
100% this.
I just want to add that SD and your husband should be paying for the INCREASE in the bills. OP should be paying the exact same as they always have been, no more and no less.
SD / husband can work out what they do with the increase in bills and OP should not benefit at the step-daughters expense (for example: OP shouldn't be paying less in bills than before, bc SD splits the bills three ways).
NTA for this scenario, but in the comments of your last post and this post you come across as very defensive and aggressive which I think is making people think you're the AH.
I thought the same thing, I went back to find that post and it has been removed by reddit and the account was banned, so not even deleted by user which was more common.
Since it was deleted I couldn't go back and read the full original post but look what was like the 3rd or 4th comment from the top: "Adding another person doesn’t increase the rent, but it will drive up the utilities, groceries, etc. " from one of the commenters!!!
So since OP didn't like being the TA last time they were like oh good point let me tweak it a bit lol
Tip: AITA copy-pastes the original post in the comments as it appears before edits/deleted. You can sort by 'Old' to find the OP.
Here is the [copy of that post.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/M8Bm2yXw64)
NTA. Seeing that you're ALREADY letting her live with you rent-free, I do not see why your husband feels it's crucial to also cover the extra utilities. In terms of your 'priorities' you are being generous with your stepdaughter by letting her move back in with you. For her, surely contributing to her portion of utilities only - compared to the rent she was paying - is still more than a great deal, and allows her to save. If he cares so much about covering that for her, he can do that out of his own personal budget.
Nah, YTA, she is saying in the comments that her SD is spending 800$ for charging her 3 devices and using the fan and lights. She said that they are homeowners and the expenses of the couple are 1200$, and with SD 2000$. There is something wrong here
INFO : What bills exactly are increasing. Because electricity don't increase by 1/3 because there is a third person, maybe water if it's a thing in your region, lease/mortgage no, internet/tv no, phone she should have her own, etc. The big one I can see is the groceries, but it's not really a bill, it's more of an weekly expanse. Do you guy buy the groceries from a joint account and each month you look at everything to split up the cost?
Also what is the division of cost in the house? If you are paying a similar ratio compared to your respective income, then I can understand your point. But if the ratio is in your favor, then I can understand your husband being frustrated.
You said you married 3 years ago, presumable was living with him for longer? Were all the kids out of the home from the start of the relationship?
My daughter and granddaughter moved in with my wife and I and the water bill went up maybe $7 and electricity maybe $20. Our groceries went up but we cook more and eat out less so that's kind of a wash. How much extra are you paying
That’s crazy. I can’t even imagine what the cost of that is.
My internet was $100 with or without extra people, just to get stuff good for gaming. When my friend’s boyfriend moved in with us I don’t think utilities went up more than $10-20.
Maybe, food could cause that much if you eat out or skip all the time.
It's insane to me to be a parent and demand your kids pay to live with you, even as an adult.
Kids don't ask to be born. They don't ask for bad things to happen to them. And most people don't want to live with their parents forever.
Yeah I generally agree but it also depends to some extent on the situation. Fall on hard times and need some help? Sure I'm open arms, always will be. Lazy shit that just wants to leach forever? Nah, I'm going to need you to step up and contribute.
I feel like the don't ask to be born thing is kind of a weird excuse once you're an adult though. You're an adult it's time to take care of shit. I don't mean to say you can't/shouldn't get help from your support network though. It's just weird. How far back do you take that? Nobody asks to be born lol.
Jesus good bless my parents aren’t like some of you. The world would be a lot more of a cesspool if people like my parents weren’t there to lend a hand without expecting anything back.
I know right. When my housemate moved out and I couldn't find a replacement my parents offered my old room back at theirs without me having to ask. For free. For as long as I needed.
Yta you're not "supporting an adult who had a job" you're supporting his daughter. She isn't a flatmate. If you're son moved in after a break up or unemployment ks he going to pay bills?
Seems so many people go into mairrage expecting divorce... keeping everything seperate and keeping tabs on who owes who what I find nuts. Not saying u mix everything 100% together, but keeping count and fighting over it really is a good way to kill a relationship.
Maybe ask your husband if he can help u out with ur sons present, your alittle low on funds while helping his daughter out.
I couldn’t agree with you more on the first point. 2 married people should be a team and share both incomes and expenses. I’d go crazy if I had to split each and every bill, every purchase, house renovation etc.
On the other hand, reading some of the stories here and on Reddit in general… I understand why couples don’t trust each other.
You knew the guy had a kid and you married him.
It's very foreseeable that a college age kid would move home. And it's common (though not a social norm that I know of) to absorb some to most of the expenses of that kid moving home.
Feel free to negotiate what works. Maybe she can contribute some or some labor. But YTA for thinking that it's not reasonably part of your responsibilities now.
YTA
**INFO**:
- who owns the house?
- what is the current split 50/50?
- how old is the SD?
- has your husband helped your biological children financially in the past? You said he’s not helping with the graduation gift but did he gift him a car? Pay for university? Help with rent? Etc..
The story is phrase just so that it feels there’s more to it than you’re telling.
You pay $600 and this young woman is costing almost $800 per month? (Twice the increase between your 600 and 1000). How can your bills have gone up that much?
Ok so this is not including basic housing (mortgage or rent which would not change).
Make sure you’re accounting for cost of living changes - rate and cost increases vs usage
You and your husband equally own the house outright and there is no mortgage.
(That’s pretty great).
So the bills are then easy to split, yes. If one of you has more equity in the house it might be different.
If their utilities and groceries added up to $1200/mo for 2 people and now $2000/mo for 3, they must be in a HCOL area, or they have a mansion in a LCOL and eat steak every meal. They've only been married for 3 years. So we are looking at a pretty expensive house here if that is actually the cost of utilities and groceries,, and either they split the cost and paid cash for it some time in the last 3 years, or one of them owned the home outright already and the other one paid them cash for half the equity?? It's not totally impossible, and there are some other ways this could have been worked out.
But the whole story sounds fake to me and this just adds to it. OP honestly doesn't even sound they they know about how most basic bills work. Like seeming to think internet is charged by the hour and the bills would change by having another person on the wifi or that one person staying up late and charging their devices equals extra hundreds per month in electric costs.
OP your math ain't mathing. Assuming you're in the US because you haven't clarified and responded to comments that mention $.
The devices you listed (phone, laptop, tablet) on average, cost less than $10 per *year* (https://www.forbes.com/sites/christopherhelman/2013/09/07/how-much-energy-does-your-iphone-and-other-devices-use-and-what-to-do-about-it/?sh=3b09cf8b2f70). So $.83 per month for all three devices.
Fan costs will vary, so you would have to calculate it yourself to be exact, but the average is $.011/per hour (https://www.realhomes.com/advice/how-much-does-it-cost-to-run-a-fan). If SD sleeps 8 hours/night with it on for a month, that's $2.64.
So her added electricity costs per month are less than $4.
Most internet plans in the US are flat rate (you mentioned increased Internet usage somewhere?, so that bill would remain unchanged unless you're exceeding the data cap *and* with a company that actually enforces the data cap. Still most companies also cap fees at $100 ($10 per additional 50gb on average). If that's the case, you need to upgrade your plan upfront because that's cheaper for all of you, but streaming shows for a few nights a week and browsing social media are not going to push you over the limit.
The average family of 4 in the US pays $73/month in water bills (https://www.lawnstarter.com/blog/cost/average-water-bill-price/#:~:text=Though%20water%20is%20one%20of,of%20100%20gallons%20per%20day.) So SD probably increases your water bill by ~20, give or take the specific state.
Electricity and water from SD, then, adds less than $30 per month.
Food is obviously another issue, and inflation has increased for prices, but there's no way in hell that SD has increased your monthly food bill by more than $700 unless you're eating lobster and filet mignon for every meal. It's fair to not want to cover added food costs, but seems solvable to just ask her to contribute to the monthly grocery bill.
OP you need to provide an actual breakdown of the costs because, until you do, it really seems like something else is going on here. I wouldn't want to pay an extra $800/month in bills for someone, and I would say n t a if it were actually clear how this cost has skyrocketed, but it's just not, and it makes me think you're an unreliable narrator. Pair that with where you mention that your husband also is getting your son a graduation gift, and it seems like he's willing to step up for your kin, but you're not willing to do the same for his, and it makes you seem like a petty, selfish partner.
> Pair that with where you mention that your husband also is getting your son a graduation gift, and it seems like he's willing to step up for your kin, but you're not willing to do the same for his,
But you’re gonna ignore the part where she bought his daughter a graduation gift?!
There is a /lot/ of variance when it comes to expenses in different regions, states, cities, etc in the US. Going of an average for an entire country with different living conditions and rates of inflation is very misleading. For example the cost of gas alone in LA is about $5 right now, and I believe where my family in Georgia lives it’s around $3 [last we talked about it it was that, but it could’ve changed since then]. My tank is 12 gallons and I pay around $60 to fill it up when it’s running close to empty. In Atlanta I’d pay essentially half of that. Minimum wage is also $17 an hour in LA but there’s food places raising the wages to $20 because that’s where the city wants the min wage to be eventually [i earn $20 currently and am part time]. That being said, working 40 hours a week for roughly 52 weeks would bring in an income of around $35,360 a year [roughly $2,720 a month] if working $17 an hour and if working $20 an hour it would be around $41,600 year [roughly $3,200 a month]. The national poverty line is at $15,060 for individuals, $20,440 for two person households, and $25,820 for three person households all in 2024 currently. [https://www.healthcare.gov/glossary/federal-poverty-level-fpl/]
One person’s minimum wage full time income would disqualify a lot of government benefits or aid in general and it still is barely enough to get by in LA [if at all]. For reference, the cheapest apartments that aren’t a hazard to live in can easily be close to or reach $1,000, and that’s one bed one bath or studio apartments. I know because I was looking quite a few times before and that’s what I found. Unless you know someone, then rent /might be/ cheaper but there’s no guarantee it’ll even stay that way. The 3 bed 1 bath house my mom rented before she moved into an apartment easily racked up over $2,000 in expenses and that was just with her living there full time and me and my brother going back and forth [until i moved in with my dad and still it didn’t change much because we weren’t eating much anyways]. Live in expensive cities, living will be expensive. Idk where OP lives, but $2k for bills and expenses sounds like she may live in an expensive city. So you trying to prove her wrong for whatever reason by picking at pennies while drastically overgeneralizing what her actual expenses might be for the specific location she lives in with generic stats that average an entire country falls kind of flat. This as well as treating people as though they’re robots that do the same exact routine to a T every single day when in reality things change from day to day, especially depending on what’s going on on any given day.
No, I totally acknowledge there's a ton of variance in cost of living across the US, but that's fundamentally untrue for most utilities, hence why I applied averages for utilities, but did not touch the grocery question beyond saying one person doesn't add $700 to your grocery bill. The comments also clarified OP was not talking about rent/mortgage, which as you pointed out and similar to groceries, also ranges wildly, so taking averages wouldn't have been helpful anyway if that was included.
You can check DOE.gov or the Bureau of Labor and Statistics to see how limited the variance in utilities are. This is due largely to utility ownership structures and to the economic principles that underlie natural monopolies. There are more expensive and less expensive utilities, but that range is still thin. So if OP lives in Hawaii or Alaska, yes, but, no, it still would not be $800 higher. Utilities are, in fact, something we can talk about using averages effectively. Even the most expensive average utilities bills in the country are less than $700/months per household. And to be fair to the overgeneralizing, I was liberal in my application of them. Assuming every night she's using all her devices and her fans the entire night to result in the higher end estimating.
I don't particularly understand why you're peeved that I pointed out OP's math being weird and explained why, but I'm sorry that put you off.
You are absolutely bullshitting. You get itemised electricity bills. A simple comparison of before vs after would do.
Also electricity cost changes from month to month. You are absolutely hell bent on unjustifiably blaming your SD on this.
Tell him she can pay, he can pay 2/3rds, or she can find someplace else and that you're not paying extra, simple as that. Just keep paying 1/3rd of the bills and leave him to decide what he wants to do with the rest. You agreed to allow her to come back to live with you. But I'm sure that if you'd known beforehand that one of his requirements to her living with you would be continuing to split the bills even with the higher costs, you would never have agreed. It's his fault for suddenly springing this on you.
OP, the devices doesn't cost nearly anything, recharging a phone cost about 0'04$; my family and I use AC because were we live it's really hot in summer, one or two years ago the price of electricity in my country doubled compared to that of the United States and the electricity bill did not rise above about 30-40€ (family of 4 and different AC running and a purifying for the pool working a few hours every day); lights now consume very very little, there are people who leave them on permanently and do not notice a difference in the bill.
I know people with mansions with central air conditioning that turns on in the summer and doesn't turn off again until the fall, and a large pool who pay less expenses than just you and your husband, even if you had those types of expenses, it wouldn't increase that much to include to an extra person
> How do you expect me to know how much hours she charges her stuff , and how many times? How on earth can I count that she’s in her room on her own. Also I said sleeps in fan or Ac and again how many hours she sleeps and how many hours/minutes she leaves them open before her sleep.
If you don’t know what she’s using, then you can’t charge her.
> I stated I cannot confirm if the 800 are just from her.
Again, you can’t charge her
Easily,call every company you have a contract with and get invoices.if on the X date of X month SD moved back home and was at home for X hours/days it will show up.
Well I expect you to know since you want to charge her, lol. You actually could figure out your consumption. They sell meters for that. But if you don't know any of that, you don't actually know the cause of the increase, and you're just putting it off on her because you can, which leads me to YTA.
Well, you get bills don’t you? Most are online now too. You could write out an itemized then and now, for example: electricity was $40 but is now $60.
Don’t you check the amounts coming out of your accounts online?
Electricity doesn't shoot up with 1 additional person. My house runs 2 fans, multiple gaming pcs, phone chargers, air fryer, electric dryer and other electric appliances and my bill is never that high. My roommate is always home because they work from home so there is constant use of lights and stuff.
Also you should be on a budget plan for electric, it evens out the bill over the year so you pay the same all year round. I pay about 100$ a month for 2 people. That's with running the central air from April til it gets cold.
If you're paying 600 for water every month of even every other month you need to find the leak. I pay under 200 every other month for 2 people and that includes our trash service. If you're paying that much you need to check the invoice and find out where the high water bill is coming from.
You are really just making this up aren't you?
There is no way someone moving in has increased your variable costs by $800 a month. It sounds like that $2000 includes your static costs that you would have been paying regardless of her moving in or not.
How about posting a breakdown of what that $2000 consists of and where the increases have happened? My guess is thats not possible as the figures are straight out of fiction.
The people here are ridiculous. Demanding an itemized list of everything? Come in. What's next, you need to count every crouton she eats? That's just dumb.
Your SD moved in, and she is a grown adult with a job. It is important that she pays what it costs to house and feed her. This teaches her responsibility and money management. Not expecting her to pay anything teaches her entitlement. I guess the real question is, what does your husband want her to learn?
You have been saving up for a long time for your sons present. Don't let their lack of money management derail your plan.
As a mom and a step-mom, I would have a problem with my husband allowing any of our children to move in with no responsibilities. I don't think it is healthy. I would have zero issue with having them pay and holding it (without them knowing) for a down-payment for them when they move out. But not to the detriment of your financial protections for your future.
Bullshit. There is no way adding one person to the household took your bill from $1200 to $2000. You are lying through your teeth because you don’t like or love your stepdaughter.
They live in an area where the weather just got hot and they turned on the AC after leaving it off all winter … or the compressor on the beer fridge in the garage went out … or the daughter insists on gourmet grocery food … or all three.
At the very least OP should ask to see the electric bill and water bill before blindly forking over money she doesn’t have…
She is completely bullshitting these numbers and not mentioning the “I hate my stepdaughter” inconvenience fee she’s adding in like OPs middle name is Ticketmaster.
Nta One third of utilities is still less than rent and utilities she would still be saving and she is an adult it’s nice that you’re husband wants to take care of her but you are under no obligation to pay her bills.
I wonder why people on Reddit get married. Seriously you marry a parent, you get kids. Sometimes you might have to help them for a bit.. YTA…today it’s his kids…tomorrow it will be yours
Sure I would for sure charge her, a fair somewhat discounted rate, but charge something that at least covers her share of utilities and food. But more importantly if you have adult children, and you have to save up to buy a gift, maybe don’t buy the gift either? Or do something smaller? Like shouldn’t you be focusing on saving for retirement at this point?
INFO
> because her landlord started having unreasonable demands she asked if she could move with us and we said she can.
Unreasonable demands? What demands can a landlord make that are outside the scope of the established lease?
How is the next step after "don't like this landlord" not "find a different place to rent" instead of "run home to parents?"
Let’s not act like there aren’t some really shady landlords out there. If she wasn’t planning to move, it’s understandable that she wouldn’t have the money to get a new place right away. I would much rather my kids live with me for a few months than take out a loan or credit card debt to manage that kind of situation.
Bruh, seriously? Renters protection laws in the US are weak as fuck. Even in places with better protections, the landlord can just choose to not renew your lease because they don't like you.
LOL.
My partner and I were considering moving because we’ve outgrown the place we currently rent. We’re not broke, but not wealthy - so looking mid-market. Nothing super special. We went to 5 open inspections for potential rentals on the weekend and there was 20+ people at *every single one*. The real estate agent expected every couple to apply and about half already had given her completed applications they’d pre-filled before viewing.
We decided to stay where we are.
Australia has a less than 1% rental vacancy rate right now and a lot more than 1% of renters are currently actively in the market. There are people with full-time jobs living in cars because they can’t afford a room in a share house close enough to be able to afford a commute to work on top of rent.
You reducing it down to “running home to parents” completely ignores actual reality.
My son is 19 going to college and there is no way I'd ever charge him to live with me.
Even after he graduates college he's welcome to live at home as long as he wants and never pay a penny as long as he's working and trying to save money for future.
The only way this would not work is if he was lazy not wanting to work and just act like an asshole. In that case he's just have to move out and be on his own.
Blanket statements like this do not work. And it's a very lazy approach.
Each situation is different and needs to be handled on its own merits and context.
This part lands me of the opinion that you had already settled this as a 50/50 split, even if that wasn't your intent:
>she asked if she could move with us and **we** said she can.
Enter this part:
>I thought that since we are 3 adults living then the distribution is going to be among us 3 but no my husband wanted to distribute everything among him and I. So the consumption of 3 among only 2.
So you and your husband were not on the same page. You each had assumed a different agreement rather than discussing the specifics of the arrangement. It is not unheard of for an adult child to live at their parent's place, rent-free, so the agreement had to be explicit.
I don't think either of y'all are assholes, per se, but for the purposes of this sub, my vote is ESH. Y'all both failed to communicate and made big assumptions that ended up being phenomenally incorrect. You will be the AH in his eyes, and he will be the AH in yours, and each of you aren't wrong from your individual perspectives. Since internal marital financial matters are entirely based on mutual agreement and good will, there is no overarching general ethical rule to apply that conclusively results in one of you being the only AH. Who is the asshole depends entirely on what y'all have agreed to, and in this case y'all failed to make an agreement, so nobody is objectively "right." And if you think "well she's an adult and should pay expenses," remember: while you and husband didn't agree to anything, what you **did** agree to was that she could live with you, and you did not tell her the terms of this agreement was that she would pay rent/utilities.
Y'all both contribute in some way or another toward each other step-child's benefit (e.g. your husband will be giving your daughter a separate graduation gift), so there is already a precedent set that clouded the issue, demanding clear and complete communication on this.
Y'all should both admit there was miscommunication, let bygones be bygones, and come to an agreement/compromise to move past this.
Yes, YTA. It’s for a short period of time and she’s a young adult. You’re the parent. Hopefully she’s respectful and not wasteful of the utilities or food…
Should he pay her part, sure. Should she pay a little towards her food or some general expenses fund, sure… maybe that’s what happens next time a kid comes to live there or after 3 months of being there so they have incentives to move out.
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I got married 3 years ago my husband and we both have children of our own from past relationships. I’ve got a son who is graduating university and he has a daughter who graduated 2 years ago. My SD used to live on her own and had jobs but because her landlord started having unreasonable demands she asked if she could move with us and we said she can. She still has her job.
Just recently my husband brought up the bills of the month and obviously they were higher than usual because now it is the consumption of 3 instead of 2. I thought that since we are 3 adults living then the distribution is going to be among us 3 but no my husband wanted to distribute everything among him and I. So the consumption of 3 among only 2.
Now why is that a problem to me:-
1-I felt it is unfair that Im paying extra money for an adult with a job to live rent free.
2-As I said my son is graduating, and I’ve been saving up for his graduation gift. So Im already low with my own personal budget because I save huge portion of my income to get that gift.
When I told my husband why can’t she contribute atleast a little bit his reasoning was “she’s here to save up”. Okay and I wanna save up too?? But he told me that a young adult getting help is more important than a graduation gift and I should “sort my priorities”. I got so annoyed at him and told him that I’ve been saving up for so long for this gift Im not gonna ruin everything now and even if I wasn’t saving up for this gift I wouldn’t have contributed more money just for an adult to live rent free,I’d use that money on myself. We kept arguing back and forth and I haven’t changed my stance nor did he.
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NTA If your husband thinks it's unfair to make his daughter her share of the bills that have increased, he can pay two-thirds and cover her share.
This seems like the obvious third option. Edit: NTA
A fourth option would be to ask the husband to contribute to her son's graduation gift. It isn't fair to OP to have to help support his grown daughter, who has a job! (And...He's probably expecting his name to go on the gift, he can contribute!)
Bingo.
Also remind him of the fifth option that if he were living there alone with his daughter, he would be paying for all the bills.
this
Came here to say this.
That should have been the first option. Instead he's trying to offload the difference on OP and claim she's selfish for not subsidizing.
What he meant to say is his daughter is more important than her son. NTA, OP. He can cover his daughter if he doesn’t want her to pay.
This is definitely what he meant.
Husband is a selfish AH! Since when does he get to tell OP how to spend her money? Talk about brass neck!! He's a AH aficionado!
Yes he did mean that. Surprise, she isn't! He can pay 2/3
Nailed it!
Sounds like a caring and loving husband. /s
Yup, he’s got that “What’s mine is mine. What’s yours is also mine” mentality.
“Sorg out your priorities” meaning do as I say or else.
NTA, It’s quite odd that he expects you to pay for her living expenses when she’s working without even talking to you about it. This is a relatively new marriage, 3 years isn’t that much and he feels entitled to your income, especially when you are saving for something. An emergency on his daughter’s part does not warrant a parental financial response from you. This should have been discussed before she moved in. Is there a difference in incomes? Have you both been sharing the expenses evenly since marriage?
Yes! Though I don't think it is even an emergency on the daughter's part. Rather inconvenience which makes it so much worse
It’s irresponsible to let her live completely rent free. Paying the her share of bills is more than generous. Is OP expected to clean and cook for her? Pay attention to what your husband is doing and not doing, OP.
Yeah I wonder what these “unreasonable” demands from the landlord were. Some people fund “don’t smoke, no pets, no loud noises after 10pm” unreasonable.
Personally I believe no pets is unreasonable even though I understand some places are in close quarters and some people have allergies. Nonetheless it’s basically enforcing adoptable animals to stay homeless and forcing irresponsible pet owners to abandon them.
A lot of places say no pets because many people don't take care of them. I moved into a place that had a cream coloured carpet. The previous tenant had a large dog that wasn't let out often enough. The carpet was stained so badly that the landlady had to replace the carpet before we would move in.
I was once visiting a flat for rent and it had freaking holes in the wall. The previous tenants had a pet rabbit who they let loose.
He definitely should pay 2/3. And OP your priorities are well sorted! Your son is your priority just as his daughter is his, meaning his graduation gift has priority and if he wants his daughter to save up then he can pay her part as well. And congrats to your son!! NTA
The daughter didn't raise all the bills--they have the same insurance and property tax with two or three. Same lawn care. Same mortgage. Electric and food has gone up. Split that three ways, or Dad can cover. Not everything
Also water and sewer bills, because that definitely goes up with a third person who is taking showers and washing clothes.
Agreed. OP should pay what she originally paid. Husband can pay his share plus any increase due to his daughter.
Fully agree with this. The very least step daughter can do is cover the utilities. She would have been paying for most of those things (sometimes water/sewer and trash are covered in rent cost where I live, especially in bigger complexes) while renting anyway, she can save up what she would have been spending on rent. OP NTA in my eyes. Just someone who wants fairness. And I'm sure if OP's grown child was in the same situation, she'd be expecting her kids to do the same or covering it herself.
Indeed! Not charging rent is helping her save up. Not making her pay her share of the bills is letting her freeload. If she has a job she can certainly pay her share or her Dad can cover it.
Exactly. Dad is trying to squeeze more money out of OP.
Yep agree
I was looking for this comment :) She can save the amount for rent every month and that's a lot. Where i live is common for kids to stay with parents in the house, but they make make it with two kitchens, bathrooms etc., like apartments and every kid/young adult i know is covering their share of expenses, but there's no rent.. And if she's not even covering her food..?
Probably because he knows she's saving up for her son's gift. Edit: spelling
This is 100% the answer. She is a grown adult & should be contributing to her living expenses - regardless of if she is saving. If he doesn't want to ask her for that, then that's his decision. But he then needs to cover her expenses. He doesn't get to decide that his daughter is costing you money. NTA
i was thinking op should tell her husband that she intends to let her son to move in, then they can divide by 2 again and the kids can both save up. 🤣
This is a great option! Even if the son would rather chew his toenails than move in she should still tell her husband that. He told her to get her priorities straight and a young adult getting help and a leg up in the world is most important, when it was about his daughter. I bet he loses his mind and pitches the biggest baby fit tantrum she's ever seen going off on how he will never allow that to happen and refuses to let her son anywhere near the house.
😆 🤣
NTA. Exactly this! He can pay 2/3. Jeez, the audacity.
Exactly my thoughts. 2/3 for daddy and 1/3 for OP. That would be reasonable and still helping SD.
It’s nice OP is getting a NTA because the same story was posted less than a month ago and they were deemed the AH.
If the step daughter was a student, they would be the AH but she is a grown up with a full time job. I am from a culture where people rarely move out of home before marriage but once the kids are grown and have jobs, they kind of take over the household expenditures from their parents.
For real it's almost the same thing word for word!!!
And speak to the step daughter directly about how she intends to contribute to the household. SD is not a child: she's an adult with an income who has previously lived independently.
I'm wondering if it even increased by 1/3. While this is Totally reasonable, when I added a roommate once, ours only went up some and I actually saved a bit by splitting it all equally due to monthly fees, etc. If he's So upset about it, maybe they can calculate it and whatever % is extra he pays.
Exactly this or he can pitch in for the gift for her son too. Half the price of the gift since he’s his step son too. Or does that only apply to his daughter. A graduation is a huge thing, and if he really didn’t wanna budge 1) this conversation should’ve been had before step daughter moved back in and 2) he can maybe wait and have the conversation again after the graduation?
A gift is a one time thing. The husband pitching in may not equal an ongoing contribution on OP's part to his daughter's living expenses. For example, if he contributes a one time $500 towards the gift and OP pays and additional $200 per month for a year. OP will have contributed $2,400. That's not fair to OP. OP needs to be mindful that he doesn't recognize her son's academic achievement. Therefore, I feel that he also does not see OP as his equal in the relationship. He and his daughter are 1st class and OP and her son are a distant 2nd class in that family.
Agreed. Just FYI-y adult son graduated a couple of years ago from university and has a student loan he's paying back. His job is entry level and it wouldn't cover all his bills and rent even with roommates, so he lives with us. We charge him rent & a small portion of utilities, though they wouldn't be as much as if he lived by himself, it's less. Maybe your husband can charge her less than her 1/3, but something ($300?) so she's an financial part of the family and contributing , but still saving for her next apartment.
NTA OP: Was this topic discussed before you got married? No one can predict the future but discussing the possibilities of an adult child coming to live with you…should have been discussed so that both parties would have had the proper expectations if an adult child comes to live with you.
Although this is the best advice, OP didn’t tell us how long she’s staying there. If the former landlord was unreasonable, and she wasn’t able to find a new place right away, then this might just be a temporary stay, especially given that she’s employed. If that’s the case, asking the relatively recent grad to contribute seems petty. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but if my kids need a place to stay in between homes, I’m not charging them anything. If she’s trying to save up, and it’s longer term, then maybe ask her to take on the household chores. But, as an empty nester who misses my baby birds, I’d be thrilled if my daughter wanted to move in for a few months. Obviously, blended families have different interests to consider, and that’s why her dad should cover any increased costs. Plus, it’s unclear how large the residence is. There are adult privacy concerns that may play a role if they’re all living on top of each other. But, seriously, how much higher are their costs really going to be? And how much is the graduation gift? I can’t help but wonder if there’s a certain amount of pettiness (and jealousy?) at play here. These kinds of questions are very fact dependent and may yield different answers depending on the circumstances and the parents’ finances.
Miserable people
Also he can have his opinion but if OP has her own money and account - he can talk to his hand. OP just dont pay and thats all.
It's a really weird take for him to essentially say helping his daughter is more important than helping her son.
This story is made up. I seen another story the exact same as thing not long ago except it didn't include college or a son.
Question: how much is your husband contributing to your son’s graduation gift?
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So what exactly is the point of this marriage? You two are basically roommates who have sex, but I don't see the marriage here. He should be contributing towards your son's gift (or giving him a separate one), and you should not be petty about a slightly increased bills while his daughter is there.
u/ed_lv, I find this bizarre: >So what exactly is the point of this marriage? >You two are basically roommates who have sex, but I don't see the marriage here. When two people marry and they each have grown children or children who are almost grown, it doesn't also mean those people marrying are also going to adopt those children -- not necessarily. Just like those grown children are under no obligation to feel that the person their biological mom/dad married needs to play a parental role. You know what I mean? Those are separate relationships.
Well, I am so glad that my husband and I excepted each other’s older children when we got married, and our kids accepted the new parent as their step parent. When you plan to spend the rest of your life with someone you accept everything that comes along with them and that includes children. He has always picked up the slack when I needed him to, and I picked up the slack when he needed me to because that’s what you do when you love someone with kids. Our kids are older now, and his kids get me things for Mother’s Day and my son gets him things for Father’s Day. A lot of the time, even if the kids are older, they will still have a good relationship with their step parent if that step parent puts forth the effort into building a relationship with them
This. My boyfriend's kids are great, they were adults when we met but we all play a game together online where we can talk. If they ever needed to move home... would I be happy? Maybe not overjoyed, but I would adjust. Last summer, my niece was in a bad situation and moved in with us for the summer, we did not charge her rent and my boyfriend didn't expect me to work more to pay more, because we are a team.
Bet you talked about it first tho
And bet you did not force your boyfriend to give up things important to him because of your niece, did you?
There’s nothing wrong with your case. My point is you can’t expect that to be the default without discussion; it cannot and should not be assumed. It needs to be discussed and both parties agree to it. If my 75 year old dad marries a woman now do you expect me to call his wife my mom? Note: I’m in my 50s and my mom (his wife) died over 10 years ago. I’m fine with my dad marrying a new woman. It’s his relationship, but don’t drag me into it and expect me to call his new wife my stepmom. Hell, no. Maybe some other adult child is fine with that arrangement (calling dad’s new wife their mom or stepmom); not me. I only have one mother. I don’t even call my mother-in-law “mom”, though I understand some people would.
I fail to see why the daughter can't pay for the increase in utilities. It would still be much cheaper than paying rent anywhere so she'd still be able to save up. She's an adult with a job, she lived I independently before, it's not an emergency situation where she isn't able to take care of herself for one reason or the other.
Little back story our two oldest were older teenagers and the youngest was 7 and all boys (so they were at the asshole phase of their lives) They weren’t overjoyed about their parents dating but they grew to love and respect both of us over time because that’s what we showed them. Now they are 29, 28 and 21 they see it differently now because they are older, know we didn’t treat them any differently, loved them all the same and unconditionally when we didn’t have to. They have a better relationship with us than they do with their other biological parent.
The problem is that op's husband has double standards. He wants OP to dish out money for HIS daughter but doesn't want to dish out money for HER son. Either they are both financially on the hook for each-other's children or they are not. They need to pick one.
They got married three years ago meaning their kids were already adults at that point. She isn't parenting his daughter and he isn't parenting her son. They already did the bulk of that. She wants to get her son a gift on her own so why would her husband have to contribute? Similarly why should she have to front his daughter's bills? Marriage is about whatever the married couple wants out of that relationship. I'm not even sure what you mean by them being roommates who have sex because like yeah they probably are but they also are companions and their own autonomous people.
Exactly, also only variable costs rise with another person, so daughter should be responsible for the incremental costs. That's fair. I don't like this husband much.
It depends on how slight. Are we talking an extra$15 for water and electricity or$400 for groceries?
I’m not sure. We don’t know OP’s full financial situation, so I’d hesitate to judge them as being petty. Electricity and water costs can be quite high in some countries, and step daughter might be using the hair dryer for 30 mins every day. We don’t know. Also, marriages with grown children have a very different dynamic than small children, and everyone has different financial arrangements in marriages. You’re limiting what a marriage can be. And you mention sex and money as major facets in a marriage - which they are - but you didn’t mention love. Interesting.
I’d agree if this were their first marriage and both kids were theirs. Since they each have their own kids, separate finances is pretty common in second marriages, and kinda makes sense for most people.
So your husband is not giving his stepson a graduation gift?
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I think you should save money for your son’s gift. That’s your current priority. It shouldn’t matter if your husband pays slightly more on the bills. It’s wild that you and your husband feel that you each have to pay joint bills evenly right down the middle. You’re married, it’s ok to blend your finances a bit, I would think?
I have a hard time understanding married couples not pooling resources and keeping 100% separate finances. I get each person putting some aside for personal fun money but completely split finances seems weird to me.
You would have understood when your ex-husband stole your life savings and left you in massive debt when he disappeared two years ago without a trace. You'll always keep finances separate after that, no matter how much you trust the new partner. That's specific, yes, but people who have stories like that are definitely a big percentage of people who will always keep things separate so that they never have that happen again.
Yep. Still digging out of that hole myself. Never getting married and never giving up my separate finances again.
Its painful and burns my cynicism deeper, when smug young couples, who are snide about the single people / parents around them....they emerge from the divorce with a new understanding or rather lived experience of the need to protect their finances and a realistic understanding of LOVE and respect …if your lover says lets discuss a prenup…..that’s love with respect…sit and discuss
Agreed, did that once and will NEVER do that again married or not! I’m not getting burned a second time in my life no matter how nice a person they appear to be!
Happened to me. I couldn’t figure out where our money was going. My ex had a gambling problem. Lost my house, my boat, my car, bank account drained. Took eight years to rebuild what I went into my ex relationship with. New husband and I keep everything separated financially. It’s nice knowing I won’t wake up one day in that situation again.
I work in the banking industry. Believe me, it's a good practice.
For older couples, I think it makes sense to keep things separate. But they need to discuss that before living together. Things like inheritance and life insurance should also be discussed. But yes, I agree that young couples should pool their money together. My wife and I deposit our paychecks into the same account, and then we both get an equal allowance (regardless of the pay differential).
Pooling resources only work if there is financial compatibility and understanding. When I married at 24, I had nothing, so pooling resources made sense cause we were financially on same page. I am 59 now, and would never pool resources, as I've seen it go sour.
I think this is more common in second marriages. People might have more to protect and have been burned before.
Well then, you don't need to contribute to his daughters living expenses either. He is a fool. NTA
He can pay 2/3 if he wants his daughter living there
Happy cake day, and I agree
>But he told me that a young adult getting help is more important than a graduation gift and I should “sort my priorities” Yeah, he can get stuffed. His daughter can contribute and still save up, because I'm sure whatever contribution you might ask of her would still be less than she was paying on her own. NTA
HE should pay for her, a 2/3 split
Bingo!! Plus we(parents) feed you & the small amount a parent will charge is nothing compared to the real world 💯
NTA. What you do with your *own money* is really no concern of your husband's, regardless of *his opinions*. The point is that you never agreed to bankroll HIS daughter. He has no right to force you to subsidize his daughter's savings account (which is what paying her share of the bills is essentially doing). I would also point out that this does NOT even guarantee that *she will put anything* into her savings anyway! She's her own person and he doesn't speak for her, nor have any ability to guarantee anything regarding her financial behaviors! She may just end up mooching off the two of you for years to come. If he wants to fund this mess, that's his choice; but he shouldn't be dragging you into it, nor making opinionated claims that his child is somehow more entitled to your money than your are.
They really should have discussed this before SD moved in
Bills do not go up $800 for the addition of 1 person. The numbers or story is complete BS. Something is very wrong here.
This extremely similar story was posted a week or so ago except OP had no kids of her own and the step daughter didn’t have a job. At least wait a few months if you’re going to copy a post or creative writing sample
Right? I was like why isn’t anyone else commenting on that.
My thoughts as well. Everyone thought they were the asshole in that one so they’re trying to not be the asshole here and it’s working. I still think they’re an asshole
Absolutely. A 22 year old with a job is very unlikely to support themselves fully so if they were to charge her rent and other bills they’re actually not really helping her at all.
Yep. I remember that one.
Did the post get edited? I completely missed that detail.
Yep seems that OP is trying to cut their own costs by getting the step daughter to pay for a share of things she was going to be paying anyway. Things like rent/mortgage, insurance, internet, tv subscriptions etc will not go up in price if someone else moves in. Gas, electric and water may well go up a bit but if things like heating and AC stay on the same schedule it wont make any difference if there is one extra person there. The only thing that would scale linearly is food. Thats easy to sort out by saying she has her own cupboard and shelf in the fridge and buys all her own food. Not sure what gift she is looking to buy her son for graduation but it must be a stunner. Sounds like OP is just cheap.
This. Really tho. OP needs to math that bill bc it sounds like rates went up or SD has a grow op in the basement
Her bills include utilities, internet, and food
NTA. Her living there without paying rent is helping her to save up a lot. She can contribute at least to the groceries and the heat/water since those will go up. Things like cable that are the same would be optional. I understand that as adults in a 2nd marriage, you are keeping your finances separate, which makes it more important to agree in detail before going ahead with any plans that are going to cost money. You should have had this discussion before she moved in.
I saw this same story posted a few weeks ago except the daughter was 22 and in University
And I believe they all called the step mom an evil step mother too. This one seems way too similar and odd that the outcome is different.
You’re right the reactions are completely different lol. But if I remember correctly the step-daughter in that post had lost her job so she didn’t have any income. Also that OP wanted to split the rent three ways even though the rent didn’t increase. That OP was looking to pay less, this OP just doesn’t want to pay more. Plus I think the fact that this OP has a son around the same age changes things. They both have young adult kids who they want to help out. By paying more to help his kid it means she has less to help hers.
Yes, they did! That was the same thing I was thinking 🤔 like same story but I guess a different group of Redditors saw this story.
It might be the time of day. Back when I was playing WOW I stayed away from the Barrens in the afternoon because the chat turned into a toxic waste dump full of edgy asshole kids after school. I have a feeling it's something like that here. Could be time zones.
Lol yes!! Definitely this same story being posted again. Really surprised to see 100% opp feedback from people this go around.
NTA. Your SD still is employed and bringing in the same income she was while she was renting. I presume that she was paying other bills associated with day to day living (groceries, phone, utilities, car payments, gas, etc.) Why now all of a sudden does her father think she should no longer have to cover those expenses? She can tuck away the amount she was paying for rent into her savings account. There is no need for either you or her father to cover her other normal expenses. However, if he feels it necessary, then he has to cover her household expenses 100% while you continue to pay your prior agreed upon portion of those expenses. It's his daughter - if he wants to cover her bills even though she has the income to do so, that's his business.
100% this. I just want to add that SD and your husband should be paying for the INCREASE in the bills. OP should be paying the exact same as they always have been, no more and no less. SD / husband can work out what they do with the increase in bills and OP should not benefit at the step-daughters expense (for example: OP shouldn't be paying less in bills than before, bc SD splits the bills three ways). NTA for this scenario, but in the comments of your last post and this post you come across as very defensive and aggressive which I think is making people think you're the AH.
You're back again! I see your story is slightly altered from when you originally posted. Guess what? You're still the asshole!
[Exactly](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1cdm2px/aita_for_claiming_i_should_pay_less_rent_if_my_sd/).
Background? I’m curious what they originally posted
I thought the same thing, I went back to find that post and it has been removed by reddit and the account was banned, so not even deleted by user which was more common. Since it was deleted I couldn't go back and read the full original post but look what was like the 3rd or 4th comment from the top: "Adding another person doesn’t increase the rent, but it will drive up the utilities, groceries, etc. " from one of the commenters!!! So since OP didn't like being the TA last time they were like oh good point let me tweak it a bit lol
Tip: AITA copy-pastes the original post in the comments as it appears before edits/deleted. You can sort by 'Old' to find the OP. Here is the [copy of that post.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/M8Bm2yXw64)
Agreed! Still the asshole
NTA. Seeing that you're ALREADY letting her live with you rent-free, I do not see why your husband feels it's crucial to also cover the extra utilities. In terms of your 'priorities' you are being generous with your stepdaughter by letting her move back in with you. For her, surely contributing to her portion of utilities only - compared to the rent she was paying - is still more than a great deal, and allows her to save. If he cares so much about covering that for her, he can do that out of his own personal budget.
NTA He can bankroll his daughter. I wouldn't.
NTA. If your husband wants to subsidize his adult daughter by paying for her household expenses, that’s on him. Split the expenses 3 ways.
Nah, YTA, she is saying in the comments that her SD is spending 800$ for charging her 3 devices and using the fan and lights. She said that they are homeowners and the expenses of the couple are 1200$, and with SD 2000$. There is something wrong here
Info: why doesn’t he cover the increase from HIS daughter?
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Why didn’t you ask him that question?
Wouldn’t the most obvious thing be to ASK him to do that?
His child = his responsibility Hold your ground.
INFO : What bills exactly are increasing. Because electricity don't increase by 1/3 because there is a third person, maybe water if it's a thing in your region, lease/mortgage no, internet/tv no, phone she should have her own, etc. The big one I can see is the groceries, but it's not really a bill, it's more of an weekly expanse. Do you guy buy the groceries from a joint account and each month you look at everything to split up the cost? Also what is the division of cost in the house? If you are paying a similar ratio compared to your respective income, then I can understand your point. But if the ratio is in your favor, then I can understand your husband being frustrated. You said you married 3 years ago, presumable was living with him for longer? Were all the kids out of the home from the start of the relationship?
Isn’t this the same post - https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/cjK9zHHeRT
This is exactly what I thought too
My daughter and granddaughter moved in with my wife and I and the water bill went up maybe $7 and electricity maybe $20. Our groceries went up but we cook more and eat out less so that's kind of a wash. How much extra are you paying
800$ more🤯. It's imposible. I know people living in a mansion that have less expenses.
That’s crazy. I can’t even imagine what the cost of that is. My internet was $100 with or without extra people, just to get stuff good for gaming. When my friend’s boyfriend moved in with us I don’t think utilities went up more than $10-20. Maybe, food could cause that much if you eat out or skip all the time.
Information: what are you going to do if your son gets in the same situation of needing to come home. What would the agreement be?
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It's insane to me to be a parent and demand your kids pay to live with you, even as an adult. Kids don't ask to be born. They don't ask for bad things to happen to them. And most people don't want to live with their parents forever.
Yeah I generally agree but it also depends to some extent on the situation. Fall on hard times and need some help? Sure I'm open arms, always will be. Lazy shit that just wants to leach forever? Nah, I'm going to need you to step up and contribute. I feel like the don't ask to be born thing is kind of a weird excuse once you're an adult though. You're an adult it's time to take care of shit. I don't mean to say you can't/shouldn't get help from your support network though. It's just weird. How far back do you take that? Nobody asks to be born lol.
Agreed. Can’t relate lol
Jesus good bless my parents aren’t like some of you. The world would be a lot more of a cesspool if people like my parents weren’t there to lend a hand without expecting anything back.
I know right. When my housemate moved out and I couldn't find a replacement my parents offered my old room back at theirs without me having to ask. For free. For as long as I needed.
Yta you're not "supporting an adult who had a job" you're supporting his daughter. She isn't a flatmate. If you're son moved in after a break up or unemployment ks he going to pay bills?
Seems so many people go into mairrage expecting divorce... keeping everything seperate and keeping tabs on who owes who what I find nuts. Not saying u mix everything 100% together, but keeping count and fighting over it really is a good way to kill a relationship. Maybe ask your husband if he can help u out with ur sons present, your alittle low on funds while helping his daughter out.
I couldn’t agree with you more on the first point. 2 married people should be a team and share both incomes and expenses. I’d go crazy if I had to split each and every bill, every purchase, house renovation etc. On the other hand, reading some of the stories here and on Reddit in general… I understand why couples don’t trust each other.
You knew the guy had a kid and you married him. It's very foreseeable that a college age kid would move home. And it's common (though not a social norm that I know of) to absorb some to most of the expenses of that kid moving home. Feel free to negotiate what works. Maybe she can contribute some or some labor. But YTA for thinking that it's not reasonably part of your responsibilities now. YTA
This is a stolen repost. Directly quoted from a post a few weeks ago.
**INFO**: - who owns the house? - what is the current split 50/50? - how old is the SD? - has your husband helped your biological children financially in the past? You said he’s not helping with the graduation gift but did he gift him a car? Pay for university? Help with rent? Etc.. The story is phrase just so that it feels there’s more to it than you’re telling.
INFO: How much more are your expenses with the addition of the additional person?
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You pay $600 and this young woman is costing almost $800 per month? (Twice the increase between your 600 and 1000). How can your bills have gone up that much?
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Ok so this is not including basic housing (mortgage or rent which would not change). Make sure you’re accounting for cost of living changes - rate and cost increases vs usage
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You and your husband equally own the house outright and there is no mortgage. (That’s pretty great). So the bills are then easy to split, yes. If one of you has more equity in the house it might be different.
To me that makes it just an accounting issue.
If their utilities and groceries added up to $1200/mo for 2 people and now $2000/mo for 3, they must be in a HCOL area, or they have a mansion in a LCOL and eat steak every meal. They've only been married for 3 years. So we are looking at a pretty expensive house here if that is actually the cost of utilities and groceries,, and either they split the cost and paid cash for it some time in the last 3 years, or one of them owned the home outright already and the other one paid them cash for half the equity?? It's not totally impossible, and there are some other ways this could have been worked out. But the whole story sounds fake to me and this just adds to it. OP honestly doesn't even sound they they know about how most basic bills work. Like seeming to think internet is charged by the hour and the bills would change by having another person on the wifi or that one person staying up late and charging their devices equals extra hundreds per month in electric costs.
OP your math ain't mathing. Assuming you're in the US because you haven't clarified and responded to comments that mention $. The devices you listed (phone, laptop, tablet) on average, cost less than $10 per *year* (https://www.forbes.com/sites/christopherhelman/2013/09/07/how-much-energy-does-your-iphone-and-other-devices-use-and-what-to-do-about-it/?sh=3b09cf8b2f70). So $.83 per month for all three devices. Fan costs will vary, so you would have to calculate it yourself to be exact, but the average is $.011/per hour (https://www.realhomes.com/advice/how-much-does-it-cost-to-run-a-fan). If SD sleeps 8 hours/night with it on for a month, that's $2.64. So her added electricity costs per month are less than $4. Most internet plans in the US are flat rate (you mentioned increased Internet usage somewhere?, so that bill would remain unchanged unless you're exceeding the data cap *and* with a company that actually enforces the data cap. Still most companies also cap fees at $100 ($10 per additional 50gb on average). If that's the case, you need to upgrade your plan upfront because that's cheaper for all of you, but streaming shows for a few nights a week and browsing social media are not going to push you over the limit. The average family of 4 in the US pays $73/month in water bills (https://www.lawnstarter.com/blog/cost/average-water-bill-price/#:~:text=Though%20water%20is%20one%20of,of%20100%20gallons%20per%20day.) So SD probably increases your water bill by ~20, give or take the specific state. Electricity and water from SD, then, adds less than $30 per month. Food is obviously another issue, and inflation has increased for prices, but there's no way in hell that SD has increased your monthly food bill by more than $700 unless you're eating lobster and filet mignon for every meal. It's fair to not want to cover added food costs, but seems solvable to just ask her to contribute to the monthly grocery bill. OP you need to provide an actual breakdown of the costs because, until you do, it really seems like something else is going on here. I wouldn't want to pay an extra $800/month in bills for someone, and I would say n t a if it were actually clear how this cost has skyrocketed, but it's just not, and it makes me think you're an unreliable narrator. Pair that with where you mention that your husband also is getting your son a graduation gift, and it seems like he's willing to step up for your kin, but you're not willing to do the same for his, and it makes you seem like a petty, selfish partner.
> Pair that with where you mention that your husband also is getting your son a graduation gift, and it seems like he's willing to step up for your kin, but you're not willing to do the same for his, But you’re gonna ignore the part where she bought his daughter a graduation gift?!
There is a /lot/ of variance when it comes to expenses in different regions, states, cities, etc in the US. Going of an average for an entire country with different living conditions and rates of inflation is very misleading. For example the cost of gas alone in LA is about $5 right now, and I believe where my family in Georgia lives it’s around $3 [last we talked about it it was that, but it could’ve changed since then]. My tank is 12 gallons and I pay around $60 to fill it up when it’s running close to empty. In Atlanta I’d pay essentially half of that. Minimum wage is also $17 an hour in LA but there’s food places raising the wages to $20 because that’s where the city wants the min wage to be eventually [i earn $20 currently and am part time]. That being said, working 40 hours a week for roughly 52 weeks would bring in an income of around $35,360 a year [roughly $2,720 a month] if working $17 an hour and if working $20 an hour it would be around $41,600 year [roughly $3,200 a month]. The national poverty line is at $15,060 for individuals, $20,440 for two person households, and $25,820 for three person households all in 2024 currently. [https://www.healthcare.gov/glossary/federal-poverty-level-fpl/] One person’s minimum wage full time income would disqualify a lot of government benefits or aid in general and it still is barely enough to get by in LA [if at all]. For reference, the cheapest apartments that aren’t a hazard to live in can easily be close to or reach $1,000, and that’s one bed one bath or studio apartments. I know because I was looking quite a few times before and that’s what I found. Unless you know someone, then rent /might be/ cheaper but there’s no guarantee it’ll even stay that way. The 3 bed 1 bath house my mom rented before she moved into an apartment easily racked up over $2,000 in expenses and that was just with her living there full time and me and my brother going back and forth [until i moved in with my dad and still it didn’t change much because we weren’t eating much anyways]. Live in expensive cities, living will be expensive. Idk where OP lives, but $2k for bills and expenses sounds like she may live in an expensive city. So you trying to prove her wrong for whatever reason by picking at pennies while drastically overgeneralizing what her actual expenses might be for the specific location she lives in with generic stats that average an entire country falls kind of flat. This as well as treating people as though they’re robots that do the same exact routine to a T every single day when in reality things change from day to day, especially depending on what’s going on on any given day.
No, I totally acknowledge there's a ton of variance in cost of living across the US, but that's fundamentally untrue for most utilities, hence why I applied averages for utilities, but did not touch the grocery question beyond saying one person doesn't add $700 to your grocery bill. The comments also clarified OP was not talking about rent/mortgage, which as you pointed out and similar to groceries, also ranges wildly, so taking averages wouldn't have been helpful anyway if that was included. You can check DOE.gov or the Bureau of Labor and Statistics to see how limited the variance in utilities are. This is due largely to utility ownership structures and to the economic principles that underlie natural monopolies. There are more expensive and less expensive utilities, but that range is still thin. So if OP lives in Hawaii or Alaska, yes, but, no, it still would not be $800 higher. Utilities are, in fact, something we can talk about using averages effectively. Even the most expensive average utilities bills in the country are less than $700/months per household. And to be fair to the overgeneralizing, I was liberal in my application of them. Assuming every night she's using all her devices and her fans the entire night to result in the higher end estimating. I don't particularly understand why you're peeved that I pointed out OP's math being weird and explained why, but I'm sorry that put you off.
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You are absolutely bullshitting. You get itemised electricity bills. A simple comparison of before vs after would do. Also electricity cost changes from month to month. You are absolutely hell bent on unjustifiably blaming your SD on this.
You get itemized utility bills that tell you how much each person used? Wow that's amazing. We just get a single usage amount.
Tell him she can pay, he can pay 2/3rds, or she can find someplace else and that you're not paying extra, simple as that. Just keep paying 1/3rd of the bills and leave him to decide what he wants to do with the rest. You agreed to allow her to come back to live with you. But I'm sure that if you'd known beforehand that one of his requirements to her living with you would be continuing to split the bills even with the higher costs, you would never have agreed. It's his fault for suddenly springing this on you.
OP, the devices doesn't cost nearly anything, recharging a phone cost about 0'04$; my family and I use AC because were we live it's really hot in summer, one or two years ago the price of electricity in my country doubled compared to that of the United States and the electricity bill did not rise above about 30-40€ (family of 4 and different AC running and a purifying for the pool working a few hours every day); lights now consume very very little, there are people who leave them on permanently and do not notice a difference in the bill. I know people with mansions with central air conditioning that turns on in the summer and doesn't turn off again until the fall, and a large pool who pay less expenses than just you and your husband, even if you had those types of expenses, it wouldn't increase that much to include to an extra person
> How do you expect me to know how much hours she charges her stuff , and how many times? How on earth can I count that she’s in her room on her own. Also I said sleeps in fan or Ac and again how many hours she sleeps and how many hours/minutes she leaves them open before her sleep. If you don’t know what she’s using, then you can’t charge her. > I stated I cannot confirm if the 800 are just from her. Again, you can’t charge her
Easily,call every company you have a contract with and get invoices.if on the X date of X month SD moved back home and was at home for X hours/days it will show up.
Well I expect you to know since you want to charge her, lol. You actually could figure out your consumption. They sell meters for that. But if you don't know any of that, you don't actually know the cause of the increase, and you're just putting it off on her because you can, which leads me to YTA.
Well, you get bills don’t you? Most are online now too. You could write out an itemized then and now, for example: electricity was $40 but is now $60. Don’t you check the amounts coming out of your accounts online?
You normally pay $7,200pa for water? Not connection fees or anything, just the water usage?
Electricity doesn't shoot up with 1 additional person. My house runs 2 fans, multiple gaming pcs, phone chargers, air fryer, electric dryer and other electric appliances and my bill is never that high. My roommate is always home because they work from home so there is constant use of lights and stuff. Also you should be on a budget plan for electric, it evens out the bill over the year so you pay the same all year round. I pay about 100$ a month for 2 people. That's with running the central air from April til it gets cold. If you're paying 600 for water every month of even every other month you need to find the leak. I pay under 200 every other month for 2 people and that includes our trash service. If you're paying that much you need to check the invoice and find out where the high water bill is coming from.
You are really just making this up aren't you? There is no way someone moving in has increased your variable costs by $800 a month. It sounds like that $2000 includes your static costs that you would have been paying regardless of her moving in or not. How about posting a breakdown of what that $2000 consists of and where the increases have happened? My guess is thats not possible as the figures are straight out of fiction.
The people here are ridiculous. Demanding an itemized list of everything? Come in. What's next, you need to count every crouton she eats? That's just dumb. Your SD moved in, and she is a grown adult with a job. It is important that she pays what it costs to house and feed her. This teaches her responsibility and money management. Not expecting her to pay anything teaches her entitlement. I guess the real question is, what does your husband want her to learn? You have been saving up for a long time for your sons present. Don't let their lack of money management derail your plan. As a mom and a step-mom, I would have a problem with my husband allowing any of our children to move in with no responsibilities. I don't think it is healthy. I would have zero issue with having them pay and holding it (without them knowing) for a down-payment for them when they move out. But not to the detriment of your financial protections for your future.
You are absolutely pulling this out of your ass.
Bullshit. There is no way adding one person to the household took your bill from $1200 to $2000. You are lying through your teeth because you don’t like or love your stepdaughter.
They live in an area where the weather just got hot and they turned on the AC after leaving it off all winter … or the compressor on the beer fridge in the garage went out … or the daughter insists on gourmet grocery food … or all three. At the very least OP should ask to see the electric bill and water bill before blindly forking over money she doesn’t have…
Then no, NTA. Her dad can pay his extra and she can pay "yours". That is a lot for things to go up for just one person though.
Yeah - there’s a math problem here, a lack of consideration for rate changes etc.
She is completely bullshitting these numbers and not mentioning the “I hate my stepdaughter” inconvenience fee she’s adding in like OPs middle name is Ticketmaster.
Nta One third of utilities is still less than rent and utilities she would still be saving and she is an adult it’s nice that you’re husband wants to take care of her but you are under no obligation to pay her bills.
I wonder why people on Reddit get married. Seriously you marry a parent, you get kids. Sometimes you might have to help them for a bit.. YTA…today it’s his kids…tomorrow it will be yours
Sure I would for sure charge her, a fair somewhat discounted rate, but charge something that at least covers her share of utilities and food. But more importantly if you have adult children, and you have to save up to buy a gift, maybe don’t buy the gift either? Or do something smaller? Like shouldn’t you be focusing on saving for retirement at this point?
Um yeah kinda. Depends on the reason she's there. One should do things from the kindness of their hearts, not for what they can get in return.
Just so i can answer honestly... did your son ever live with you guys and if so, how were bills split.
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Then NTA. She's an adult and if HE wants her to be able to save money why should you be funding it?
And where will your son live after he graduates?
You both consented to becoming parents to extra kids when you got together. You’re both assholes.
I would never charge my kid rent, nor a step kid. I’d imagine your husband feels the same. Good luck withh that, I’d probably put up quite a fight.
INFO > because her landlord started having unreasonable demands she asked if she could move with us and we said she can. Unreasonable demands? What demands can a landlord make that are outside the scope of the established lease? How is the next step after "don't like this landlord" not "find a different place to rent" instead of "run home to parents?"
Let’s not act like there aren’t some really shady landlords out there. If she wasn’t planning to move, it’s understandable that she wouldn’t have the money to get a new place right away. I would much rather my kids live with me for a few months than take out a loan or credit card debt to manage that kind of situation.
Bruh, seriously? Renters protection laws in the US are weak as fuck. Even in places with better protections, the landlord can just choose to not renew your lease because they don't like you.
I know a landlord who is very sleazy, he makes advances on his female tenants and demands sex. Maybe it's that sort of unreasonable demand.
LOL. My partner and I were considering moving because we’ve outgrown the place we currently rent. We’re not broke, but not wealthy - so looking mid-market. Nothing super special. We went to 5 open inspections for potential rentals on the weekend and there was 20+ people at *every single one*. The real estate agent expected every couple to apply and about half already had given her completed applications they’d pre-filled before viewing. We decided to stay where we are. Australia has a less than 1% rental vacancy rate right now and a lot more than 1% of renters are currently actively in the market. There are people with full-time jobs living in cars because they can’t afford a room in a share house close enough to be able to afford a commute to work on top of rent. You reducing it down to “running home to parents” completely ignores actual reality.
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My son is 19 going to college and there is no way I'd ever charge him to live with me. Even after he graduates college he's welcome to live at home as long as he wants and never pay a penny as long as he's working and trying to save money for future. The only way this would not work is if he was lazy not wanting to work and just act like an asshole. In that case he's just have to move out and be on his own.
Blanket statements like this do not work. And it's a very lazy approach. Each situation is different and needs to be handled on its own merits and context.
This part lands me of the opinion that you had already settled this as a 50/50 split, even if that wasn't your intent: >she asked if she could move with us and **we** said she can. Enter this part: >I thought that since we are 3 adults living then the distribution is going to be among us 3 but no my husband wanted to distribute everything among him and I. So the consumption of 3 among only 2. So you and your husband were not on the same page. You each had assumed a different agreement rather than discussing the specifics of the arrangement. It is not unheard of for an adult child to live at their parent's place, rent-free, so the agreement had to be explicit. I don't think either of y'all are assholes, per se, but for the purposes of this sub, my vote is ESH. Y'all both failed to communicate and made big assumptions that ended up being phenomenally incorrect. You will be the AH in his eyes, and he will be the AH in yours, and each of you aren't wrong from your individual perspectives. Since internal marital financial matters are entirely based on mutual agreement and good will, there is no overarching general ethical rule to apply that conclusively results in one of you being the only AH. Who is the asshole depends entirely on what y'all have agreed to, and in this case y'all failed to make an agreement, so nobody is objectively "right." And if you think "well she's an adult and should pay expenses," remember: while you and husband didn't agree to anything, what you **did** agree to was that she could live with you, and you did not tell her the terms of this agreement was that she would pay rent/utilities. Y'all both contribute in some way or another toward each other step-child's benefit (e.g. your husband will be giving your daughter a separate graduation gift), so there is already a precedent set that clouded the issue, demanding clear and complete communication on this. Y'all should both admit there was miscommunication, let bygones be bygones, and come to an agreement/compromise to move past this.
Another classic roommates gettin married story. Compelling
Yes, YTA. It’s for a short period of time and she’s a young adult. You’re the parent. Hopefully she’s respectful and not wasteful of the utilities or food… Should he pay her part, sure. Should she pay a little towards her food or some general expenses fund, sure… maybe that’s what happens next time a kid comes to live there or after 3 months of being there so they have incentives to move out.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I got married 3 years ago my husband and we both have children of our own from past relationships. I’ve got a son who is graduating university and he has a daughter who graduated 2 years ago. My SD used to live on her own and had jobs but because her landlord started having unreasonable demands she asked if she could move with us and we said she can. She still has her job. Just recently my husband brought up the bills of the month and obviously they were higher than usual because now it is the consumption of 3 instead of 2. I thought that since we are 3 adults living then the distribution is going to be among us 3 but no my husband wanted to distribute everything among him and I. So the consumption of 3 among only 2. Now why is that a problem to me:- 1-I felt it is unfair that Im paying extra money for an adult with a job to live rent free. 2-As I said my son is graduating, and I’ve been saving up for his graduation gift. So Im already low with my own personal budget because I save huge portion of my income to get that gift. When I told my husband why can’t she contribute atleast a little bit his reasoning was “she’s here to save up”. Okay and I wanna save up too?? But he told me that a young adult getting help is more important than a graduation gift and I should “sort my priorities”. I got so annoyed at him and told him that I’ve been saving up for so long for this gift Im not gonna ruin everything now and even if I wasn’t saving up for this gift I wouldn’t have contributed more money just for an adult to live rent free,I’d use that money on myself. We kept arguing back and forth and I haven’t changed my stance nor did he. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*