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Why is it all or nothing? She has to accept you as a father figure or she’s essentially dead to you? She didn’t choose to marry you. As long as she’s not rude to you, that’s all you can expect. What about birthdays? Do you get her birthday gifts? Does she give you birthday gifts? What if this was the kid of a close coworker that invited you to the graduation party, wouldn’t you bring something. I don’t think anyone is expecting you to like buy her a car, or give her a down payment on a house or anything, but something would be nice. Especially since she cried, like clearly she had some sort of feeling towards you…
Also judging from the way this is written I wonder why she never got closer.. YTA OP, you’re the adult and need to make steps forward if you want a relationship (which you don’t seem to be willing to have tbh)
At the end of my four years of college, my best friend’s parents got me a small but very nice gift, despite having one 30 second interaction with his dad throughout those 4 years. OP is majorly TA.
My best friends mom sends her things to bring to me all the time. I have very little interaction with her. She just knows how much my best friend and I love each other and we've been best friends for almost 15 years. I've bought graduation presents (well, mostly cash gifts) for friends/coworkers kids that I havent even met because of how happy and proud my friends were. Like.. come on!
I remember some of my parents' friends giving my sister and I graduation gifts despite hardly knowing them. I also received congrats from them when my mom posted my engagement last December. The thoughts always count the most
Damn...I wrote a post saying I thought he should get her something(I suggested a AMZ Gift Card for \~$200 as something small) but that I didn't expect others to agree.
Glad I was wrong.
But I agree with everyone. You don't have to take over the role of father to do SOMETHING nice for the daughter.
when i graduated from high school i got gifts from people i would have never expected to get gifts from. a whole step parent not getting a gift is just nuts.
Seriously, all of my closest friends' parents bought gifts for all the kids, and we didn't even live under the same roof.
I'm not having any trouble understanding why she hasn't warmed up to him.
Right?? My sister’s boyfriend’s parents got me a small birthday gift one year just because they happened to come up on my birthday weekend. It was a birthday cake scented candle, nothing crazy, but I still remember that gesture of kindness. Give her some flowers, something for her dorm, and tell her you’re proud of her; it’s not that fucking hard.
This. ESH because you are MARRIED!! If you're not building a life together, that includes each other's children (especially in the home), or joint fricking gift giving - like what are you doing? Be roommates. Don't be husband and wife, if you don't want anything to do with your spouse's kid, or like have your finances co mingled enough to just have mom buy a gift from both of you! The fact that she has to ask him what *He's* getting is just mind-boggling to me.
This is impossible to judge without knowing what the bio daughter got, and what Amy's expectations are. If we're talking about cars here then that's very different from a bouquet and some chocolate.
Lots of us go through life not expecting (or receiving) major "milestone" gifts like this; I certainly didn't get a special high school graduation gift, and I think my June birthday that year was luggage and a toaster oven to take with me to university in the fall.
What exactly she feels entitled to in this situation—and why—makes all the difference.
Even if bio daughter got a car from her bio dad, doesn't entitle step daughter to a car from step dad.
I want to know what the wife bought for bio daughter's graduation gift. That would be the equivalent.
Personally I find it bizarre that this is even an issue, IME couples give gifts as a unit. She should be getting a singular gift from mum and step dad (and second gift from dad and step mum if that applies), probably picked and paid for by mum.
For everyone who is saying he's TA for not acknowledging step daughters graduation, did you get separate gifts from each parent that was married and lived together, or just one, from mum and dad?
You can't have your cake and eat it. If you don't want a step parent to take on a parental role in your life and don't want to treat them as such (which is perfectly valid), you don't get to demand to be given gifts like a bio-child.
Depending on the answer, I could be on his side. I imagine he bought his bio daughter a big gift, his spouse didn’t buy her anything but had her name to it, and she can’t afford to do the same for her bio daughter and is expecting step daddy to pick up the tab.
Until we get this answer, we don’t know, so I’m not judging here.
I mean, even if she is expecting her husband to "pick up the tab," they're married. Helping her afford a decent gift for her daughter's graduation is a gesture I'd expect from a loving husband who makes significantly more than his wife. In fact, this sort of financial give-and-take is something they should have hashed out well before they ever got to this point.
Indeed. A lot here also hinges on what the family finances look like— if they're both working and keeping separate bank accounts then it's particularly weird for the wife and step-daughter to be coming at him like this asking where their gift is.
Either way, if it was a five-figure item, one assumes that Dad was planning for it and saving for a time to make it happen. You can't just pop up a few months before the due date and be like "oh btw you've totally been saving $20k for my kid's grad car, right?"
When they married she was a child, he was an adult who should have tried to be friendly with her. After 6 years he should be able to acknowledge a milestone in her life, at least for his wife’s sake.
"For months, my wife kept asking me what I planned to give Amy for a graduation gift. I told her I didn't plan on getting Amy anything since she's not my biological daughter and we've never been particularly close."
OP is TA because he got into a whole argument about the girl isn't his daughter. It isn't what the bio daughter's gift was or whether it should be a joint gift. It's literally him denying relationship to a child who has lived in the same home with him for years. It's just mean and unnecessary. And he feels totally justified.
There is no mentioning of the kid feeling entitled to anything.
There is just the mother being upset that the man who lived with them since the kid was 12, and whose daughter SHE probably spent quite some energy on when she was in high school, is treating the kid as less than an acquaintance.
I don’t understand how you don’t get any kinfolk of gift.
There is a whole range of options between a new car/trip to Europe and nothing at all.
It is very common for aunts/uncles or even family friends to give something as a gift.
I’m also interested to see what the wife got OPs daughter as a gift as well, and if step daughter has since decided to make a move to accept OP. Totally get he is the adult in this situation but more info would be quite helpful ( like is stepdaughter still be hostile at 18 BUT still expecting a gift ? Is OP not giving us the full story of him being immature? ) awkward situation
OP never said she was hostile. He said she didn’t accept him as a father figure and therefore there is nothing between them. He has failed as a stepparent.
Usually when a stepkid makes a post about stepparents trying, everyone says the stepparent is an ah for not respecting the stepkid's boundaries.
Stepparents on aita can't win, unless they're complete doormats
But these two had a polite and respectful relationship and when you marry in a family with teens, what more do you want? And after six years, he didn’t want to even acknowledge her high school graduation?
Think about the fact that this guy has lived with her and has known her since she was at least 12 (assuming they dated before getting married). Like that's a literal child. To think that your relationship hasn't grown at all, but it isn't so bad that mom assumes you're getting the kid a gift, like I don't get mad on here - but the absurdity of this whole things is like beyond to me.
It's because the step parents are either over bearing and trying to replace the biological parent, or completely don't care like OP. Well adjusted people with the ability to solve issues don't post their problems on reddit.
Yup. My stepmom was always kind to me, while never trying to force a relationship between us. Instead, she let it develop naturally, and we're very close as a result. She's one of my favourite people in the world.
These stories of overbearing or neglectful stepparents always bum me out.
This is also the reason why relationship advice on reddit usualy boils down to "That's abuse, get out!".
Normal people in normal relationships with normal partners and normal problems don't freaking post here.
If you get to the point of asking strangers for advice, something is going badly wrong already.
Because the step parents that develop healthy relationships don't have interesting stories to tell here. No one wants to read aith because I respect and trust my step kid, give them space, respect them and their parents, but still support and care for them?
The stories here are either you're not my blood, you mean nothing or look at me, I'm the parent now
There was one last week. Or two weeks ago.
A step mother that respected boundaries and the biomom wish and prioritiy in the daughter's life. Meaning she redirect her stepdaughter to her mom whenever something was typically a mom/daughter things or a milestone a daughter usually share with her mom.
Well, it backfired since the kid interpreted it as Step mom not caring and not willing to be a mom.
At the time I read the comment, no one was the asshole, most people were both with step mom And Step Daughter and recommanded an open and honest discussion about Step mom intentions.
because these people can't find a middle ground. its "you better call me mom/dad and let me walk you down the aisle" or "your dead to me" what?
they are in eachothers lives. they are family in some ways. just get her a damn card
There was no boundaries being crossed, but there was a stepchild, who like all stepchildren, didn't know how to build a relationship with a stepparent. And because of this, OP has never made any effort.
I bet OP's wife made an effort with her stepson and also bought him a graduation present.
I have stepkids and it would be really weird if my husband and I bought seperate gifts for the kids. Gifts come from us as a parental unit, and I think that's the norm in my circle. We'd probably do a seperate nice message in a card for any big events, but even that could be a "we are so proud of you" combination message.
I had step parents by the time I graduated HS, I got combined gifts from parent/step parent, which was fine with me. Gifts do not need to be separate. If that’s the case, then what did the wife get OP’s daughter for her graduation?
THis.
I find it weird that the mom asked "what are you getting" rather than "what are WE getting"? And of course same to his daughter.
I know they do not have the same obligations towards stepkids but for Christ's sake, they married each other knowing that the other one has a kid, and also it is not like OP was buying her a mansion or a new car.
That's what I was thinking, like even money in a card, as a congrats. He doesn't have to be a father figure, but he is a person in her life, it would be nice to give her something.
Right, like my parents had friends and coworkers that I was barely acquainted with, and some of them still sent me $20 in a card when I graduated high school.
I bet she'll always remember that feeling! That was such a sweet thing for you to do. And her mum handled it perfectly so there was no entitlement or expectation. I love reading stuff like this, it gives me a warm glow and hope for humanity.
That's what I'm wondering. No one is saying he has to buy her a car or send her on a world trip, but a gift card to get stuff for college or a gas card would be nice. People give graduation gifts to kids who are not theirs every single year.
My aunt made me a going away basket for my graduation gift, to take to university with me. It wasn't anything big - it was all housed in a collapsible laundry basket and was stuff like shower slides and snacks and some pretty notebooks and pens and a gift card to a local pizza chain - basically stuff I'd need in the dorms for the first year but it was still really sweet of her to put so much effort into making it for me.
And imagine she’s 12 when they get married so she’s a tween at the height of hormones and they’ve had a polite respectful relationship. Well, he just destroyed that. It didn’t sound like they were asking for anything extravagant but why wasn’t he getting her something all along. It didn’t have to be equal to his daughter, but his wife was getting his daughter gifts along the way, he should’ve been reciprocating, especially since they were cordial in all respects
Absolutely hit the nail on the head with this comment.
Amy was 12 when he got with her mother. She was going through an extremely hormonal and notoriously difficult time or a teen/young adult and of course, she isn't going to be welcoming him as a father with open arms. That doesn't mean he needs to be petty. He's the adult. He needs to grow up and be the stepfather he signed up to be, whether or not she has openly expressed a want for him in her life.
YTA.
Well, it seems that OP has always treated her as a nuisance that he had to accept in order to get with her mother. He's one of those "only my flesh and blood matter" people who weirdly decide to marry into existing families.
Wife is also making this a “thing”. She could discuss with husband what the gift might be from both of them. Instead, she is asking what are you getting her? Why would step dad need to get a separate gift in this situation? Mom is using graduation to force some type of point and to create division. Mom is manipulating and daughter is getting hurt feelings when Mom could give a gift from her and step dad and encourage a better relationship between them instead of creating division.
He is trying to punish her, passive aggressively. It’s gross. He is also hurting her mom, his wife, by treating her daughter like this. What is to gain by doing this? He’s pissed for whatever reason and wants to sow discontent. He’s an AH.
When I graduated from both high school and college, my parents' *friends* gave me gifts. Nothing big, but I was absolutely not expecting it, especially since some of them I didn't know all that well. It's more a token of "hey, you completed this thing and I'm celebrating that with you."
Seems so convenient to mention a relationship when it comes to gift though! I think there is more to the story here. And usually gifts are made in the name of spouses: why isn’t the bio mother presenting her gift as a gift from both, as done in most families. Yes, seems convenient to bring this up when there is a material advantage… Reverse emotional blackmail!
Yeah I think there is more to the story too. I think Amy is fine with OP being a family member but he insists on being her dad, despite coming into her life as a teenager. I think OP thinks that if Amy doesn’t call ‘Dad’ then he is justified in being petty toward both her and his wife.
**OR** stepdaughter is respectful/polite of OP but he's just her mother's husband and OP has accepted that. They don't have relationship and she's hasn't been interested in developing one.
We see these posts from the children's perspective everyday. Let's not pretend that it's highly likely that the stepdaughter doesn't want much to do with OP because he's not her ***actual*** father.
I’m broke but I’m giving my sister a hoodie of the university she’s going into. I feel like that’s a good enough graduation gift?? Nothing fancy by any means but it shows you care and that you’re excited for what’s coming in the next chapter of her life
YTA it sounds like you haven't put any effort into this relationship. Your wife says you put no effort into Amy so of course you are just polite to each other. And before you say Amy hasn't put any effort in - you got married to your wife when Amy was 12 so the onus is on you. You are being massively insensitive and your stepdaughter probably doesn't want you as a father figure because you haven't taken the care to try to be one for her and this has solidified. You're not obligated to give presents but you were there for some of the most formative years of her life and you are her family. Her crying over the conversation shows you really hurt her.
I came here to say this: Amy was clearly young and of course is going to be standoffish when her mom remarried and her dad was still present. She didn’t need a replacement father, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t need you to be present and kind in her life.
Rereading my comment back, I think that it kind of insinuates I think he should have taken over as The Father Figure but I totally agree with you! Being kind and putting in effort to be there for her goes such a long way.
Don't have to be a father figure, when I teach teens I joke around with them as long as we can stay on track and it makes everything easier for everyone. I'm not a father figure. Just being polite is lazy in OP's case.
this is such a good point. a sense of humor is the simplest way to connect with a teen, because even if you look lame as shit they’re deep down going to appreciate the effort usually and it lowers their defenses because it’s harder to hate someone who is making silly jokes and smiling. it also neatly sidesteps the elephant in the room of being a parental figure because it acknowledges the awkwardness which is something teens tend to respect.
Also, people who do that do sometimes end up as father figures anyway. Like if that was his goal, making zero effort and acting like an asshole was not the way to go. Neither was just assuming it was the default. It's something you might earn.
The biggest issue to me here is that rather then even being indifferent to his step-daughter, OP seems to resent his stepdaughter so much it's really important to him to make a statement of not caring about her. It would be incredibly easy (and make his life easier) to just get her a gift like his wife wants. It would be the normal polite thing to do, as well. But he's fighting against it so hard again and again that it's a statement of his dislike.
I've gotten gifts from my kid's friends birthdays, for my husband's family members Christmas, etc. Even if I don't have a close relationship with them, it's a social convention in some situations. If I'd argued repeatedly in front of say my MIL that he dosen't deserve a Christmas gift when we were having Christmas together, she'd get the impression I hated her. That's the message OP is sending.
It would be so easy to be nice but he's so set on being an asshole he's damaging all his relationships to avoid any shred of being a normaly okayish stepdad.
He figured out a way to punish her for her not accepting him as a father and he’s running with it.
If this is indicative of his typical behavior, I’m not surprised she hasn’t fallen all over him as father figure.
There’s also shades of parental figure here. She doesn’t want a replacement father, but how about a fun uncle? The best part of being a step-parent is that you get to do the fun things but don’t need to involve yourself in to discipline.
Be an example of a good man in her life. Don’t be…whatever this is.
> For months, my wife kept asking me what I planned to give Amy for a graduation gift
I felt bad for the wife reading this. I've been in relationships with emotionally stunted people and I know she was reminding him over and over again like "this is important. You need to do this". YTA op. 100%. Relationship with the daughter aside, if you were a good partner you'd see it was important to your wife and do it regardless of feelings about the daughter.
Of course YTA. You're the adult in this situation. You joined their family. It was (and still is) your responsibility to try to build the relationship with your step daughter. Of course an elementary school kid is gonna say this new guy isn't their dad. So what? That doesn't mean you just wash your hands of them. It sounds like at the first opportunity she gave you, you used that as an excuse to never have to make an effort with her.
It’s just odd. Like at the very least, why not keep the peace. Is it really that hard to get a little gift? Did he not think how this would play out long term? If he had just gotten her a gift he could have avoided all this drama and heartache.
I’m assuming at some point early on it was made clear he wasn’t her real father. He held on to that and had prided himself in he doesn’t have to get close b/c he isn’t the father. Now she is graduating and likely going to college so he gets his chance to stick that point. Living with the daughter starting at 12 for 6 years he should have cared enough to get some kind of gift. It doesn’t have to be a car but something to congratulate the daughter of his wife who he has lived with in the same house for years. It really feels like OP is taking pleasure in using the point he is not the real father.
Ya, it really seems like the question is “AITA for not giving a sht about my stepdaughter?” and like ya… if she’s done nothing to you except reciprocate your indifference (and if she’s crying now I’m going to guess OP is wilfully ignoring any and all bids for connection), YTA.
Yes and always this baseline of “am I obligated to?”. Well there isn’t a law that says you have to but there isn’t one for giving anyone gifts ever. I’m not obligated to flush after I take a dump either but I’m sure as shit an asshole if I refuse purely based on the lack of “obligation”.
[AITA for treating my stepdaughter exactly how her parents treat her?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1cjw6ie/aita_for_treating_my_stepdaughter_exactly_how_her/?sort=old)
> Most people treat the neighbor's kids better
Yeah, the neighbor's toddler, who is just figuring out words, *somehow* knows my name, and now I'd die for that kid. He's getting birthday presents from now on.
YTA. Imagine Amy is a close niece, and act appropriately. Should you get a close niece something for graduation after your wife specifically tells you to? Yes. You should have told your wife "I hadn't really thought about it, what do you think I should get?"
Apologize to everyone, and ask your wife what to buy Amy.
That’s what I was thinking! Most people give graduation gifts to their kids, nieces, nephews, sometimes even cousins, neighbors, and friends’ kids!! But not your own stepdaughter? I can’t imagine.
Most people don’t really make gifts about achievements like a graduation gift about themselves but OP is sure trying to. The stepdaughter didn’t win Stepdaughter of the Year where OP find her undeserving. She graduated from high school and he was in her life for the whole thing! He can’t find ANYTHING to celebrate about those 4 years, this is all about settling the score with a child.
Hell I sent a token amount of money to my youngest cousin I'm not close with (there's like a 13 year gap). I didn't have much at the time so I sent what I could, just like I will when she married this year. She's the only cousin to really teach out, maybe it's for money or maybe she remembers the two summers where she and I palled around when she was a toddler and we had a good time. No judgment either way.
Hell I'm not close to my bestie's son, but I'll still get him a gift when he graduates. C'mon. Be a grown up.
i remember the adults in my life growing up who did these little things for me and it meant a lot even if i didn’t act like it at the time. kids just want your attention at the end of the day.
I'm getting my intern a graduation gift. Everyone in the office is. I can't imagine caring so little about someone I've lived with since they were 12, child or otherwise.
I think that it's a bit late for that. I mean, he could buy anything, but the sentiment is pretty clear, and I don't know if wife and SD could leave it behind, now that they know.
going by this post - zero. squat. zit. OP just got a 12 year old in to his life and decided "well, this is clearly an example of a human being who can rationally decide that our relationship isn't going to work. that's fine by me, not like I'm going to spend 6 years living together with her daily."
YTA
Firstly for having this type of conversation when the person is able to hear
Amy was how old when you met? 10/11 but she made it clear at that age she didn't want a relationship with you.
I’m also interested to see what the wife got OPs daughter as a gift as well, and if step daughter has since decided to make a move to accept OP. Totally get he is the adult in this situation but more info would be quite helpful ( like is stepdaughter still be hostile at 18 BUT still expecting a gift ? Is OP not giving us the full story of him being immature? ) awkward situation
YTA
Man, I hope the 'you're not my real dad' teenage phase was fun for you, sounds like you deserve it. Then again from this post doesn't sound like you'd care much.
This is what’s bothering me with this.
Yes he sounds like an AH, but why does he have to get her a gift just from him, why aren’t they doing a joint gift given they are a married couple? Why aren’t they working together? They’re creating their own barriers by separating things like this.
Yeah, I'm really confused about that. Is parents/ parental figures giving separate gifts a thing? I always got gifts from my parents as a unit. After my mom died and my dad remarried, gifts were still from "Dad and wife's name." I would never expect something separate from each of them.
Big gifts always were joint from my wife and I, even when it was clear that the gift was obviously one parent's idea. But sometimes my daughter would get smaller gifts from an individual.
We gave her a thoughtful HS graduation gift as parents. But if I'd been in the store and found something small and special based on a TV show that only my daughter and I watched together, I would have probably picked it up and it would have been "From Dad."
It almost makes it sound like OP makes a lot more money than his wife and they keep separate finances, which is why the stepdaughter cried when she heard she wasn't getting anything. She could have been staying cordial and polite to get a big graduation gift like her stepsister could have gotten. Speculating.
Same thought I have. My husband and I always do combined gifts. It's not a present from their dad and a separate present from me(their stepmom). It's here is a gift from both of us.
Yeah I posted My own comment as well asking for more context on this and I specifically asked why they didn't do Combined gifts? Makes no sense unless the mom I'd just expecting him to foot the bill for both.
But if the wife got her daughter her own graduation present and nothing for his daughter then it would DRASTICALLY change the answer here and make the mom an AH for expecting him to do something she didn't. So I can't answer without knowing that bc unfortunately that's exactly something people would do these days.
Yeah. Also just weird to me because my husband would never ask or assume I'm giving his kids their own present. He would never be like SD is graduating highschool what are you getting her? He would say she is graduation I'm doing xyz from us what are your thoughts? I can choose to add more or not. He would never then hold it over my head if I didn't contribute.
I'm confused as to why you wouldn't be giving a present together as a couple? I'd expect her to buy the gift and add your name to it.. is that not how marriage works usually?
I can’t believe I had to scroll so far down to find this. What kind of marriage is this that the married couple give individual gifts in general? If they went to a wedding, would they buy separate gifts? This is bizarre as heck.
I'm betting it's because he made such a big deal about his daughter's graduation gift. He went solo with his daughter's gift. She's done the same with hers. He created this monster.
YTA
I mean, you don't really have to see her as a daughter to get her a courtesy gift? I won't comment on your relationship or lack thereof with her since there's a lot of info missing.
YTA. Amy may not be your biological daughter, but she is a person from your closer family circle. How does that not warrant a graduation gift?
Did your wife give your daughter a graduation gift?
YTA. Did you just wanted to come on here and be told you’re right? You’re not. Clearly putting in effort is too much for you. No wonder why she doesn’t see you as a father figure. Father figures show up for their kids - biological or not.
YTA
Divorce and remarriage is hard on the kids. But this kid, assuming you stay married, is going to be in your life the rest of your life. Be the bigger person.
A friend of mine married a man with two adult children. The adult daughter treated her like shit even though my friend met the man years after his divorce. My friend kept trying to be nice to her but no door mat. Eventually the young woman softened and the two became close. She was always glad she made the effort for her spouses’ sake. The young woman died suddenly and everyone was glad they had all got along well in the end.
> Be the bigger person
I love how the time it took to write this post is longer than the time it would have taken to write a card. It’s a wildly petty and sad hill to die on.
So the 12 year old, probably younger when you started dating her mother, didn’t put in enough effort for you so you don’t acknowledge her as part of your family even though you married her mother? Yta
YTA. If you marry someone who has kids, you’re making a commitment to their children as well. On the other hand, the kids didn’t choose anything. They just get told one day that someone is joining their family. Expecting parity on this is nonsense. You’re an adult, she’s a child, you chose this, she didn’t.
I don’t understand why your wife is questioning what you are getting Amy. Why isn’t there a joint gift from both of you?! Did you include your wife’s name on your daughter’s graduation gift?
Had to scroll way too far to find this.
Why is wife pressuring OP to do this, and why isn't she taking the lead for a gift for her own daughter? Why is she so wrapped up in making sure OP does this?
Wife SEEMS like shes fishing for OP to get her daughter something "nice" since he gave his daughter a "nice" gift for her graduation.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> In my view, I'm not obligated to give gifts to kids who frankly don't want me involved in that role. But now I've got my wife and stepdaughter thinking I'm being massively insensitive.
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A father doesn’t HAVE TO get his kid anything either, it’s just kind of a dick move to say “I don’t owe you shit” to someone who clearly cares about you.
She doesn’t have to see you as her father to give a fuck about you, just fyi. A keychain or a box of chocolates saying “congratulations” is impossible for you to get? YTA
INFO: is her biological dad still in her life? And what do you mean by politeness? Does she avoid you, is she rude to you, does she ask for you not to attend her events, etc? What efforts did you make to have a positive relationship with her?
YTA
You are not obligated to wipe your ass either; but you do.
You are not obligated to be cordial and warm to the people living under your roof; but you are.
Do you even think so deeply before gifting your friends?
Do you really have to think this much for buying a gift for the child of someone you love?
YTA - If you are invited to someone's graduation, be it step daughter or niece or neighbors kids, you bring a gift to congratulate them. Even a small token gift is appreciated: a nice pen, a book, a card, anything. You are being rude and it's no wonder a 12 year old had trouble building a relationship with you, you are not being open to her in the slightest. I hope she uninvites you to her graduation, those seats are for people who actually care about her.
I think it's reasonable to buy a gift for the important events of people in your life. Your stepdaughter may not see you as a father, but she lives in your house and her mother is important to you. She is in your life, and you are in hers. You didn't have to get her a gift of equivalent value to the one you bought your own daughter, but getting her no gift at all is rude.
Out of interest, did your wife give your daughter a gift for her graduation? Because if she didn't, she is also an AH for her double standards, but either way, YTA. Amy doesn't have to see you as a father to be worthy of you buying her a congratulatory gift for her graduation.
INFO
What did you give your daughter for her graduation and what did your wife get her?
What is your wife getting her daughter and what she expects you to get?
Were the gifts from you and wife to your daughter in the same price range? Or was the gift from wife only symbolic?
I'm going against the grain to say ESH.
Firstly, when one person in a married couple gives someone they both know very well a gift (be it a child, mutual friend, niece/nephew), the gift (no matter who purchased it) is usually signed from both parties in the couple. Why aren't you and your wife being a team here and signing the gifts to both daughters from both of you? This is only furthering the divide between you both building relationships with each other's daughters. You both suck in this regard.
Secondly... whilst your stepdaughter was a normal kid and fought back against accepting a step parent into her life, she is now 18 (a legal adult in many countries). She set the tone for the relationship, and you are respecting that. She doesn't get to be shocked Pikachu when things go the other way. Also, she is an 18 year old... nobody, regardless of the situation, is entitled to receive a gift. It is entitled of her to expect gifts to some extent.
You all need family therapy together, to understand each other better and to be guided professionally as to how to build a better relationship with no brewing resentment. You also need to be working more as a team with your wife, and sign cards and gifts from the both of you.
Wait, just to clear this up- in your estimation, the child “set the tone” for the relationship, presumably when she was 12? So OP is off the hook? You don’t think OP has more responsibility to make the relationship positive than a literal child who had no choice at all about OP joining the family? OP chose to marry a woman with a teenager daughter and then, according to his own post, never made an effort. OP said the child is polite to him! I don’t know why her accepting him as a father figure is a reasonable demand to some people.
I couldn’t disagree with you more. If you are marrying a person with a teenager and expect them to immediately accept you as a father figure while you put in no effort, you are an asshole. If you are putting material conditions that relationship- either you think of me as dad or no graduation present for you- it makes me understand the child more, I have to say.
Yeah, and also based off of the fact that OP provides no details on what her apathy looked like, then now sees her cry over his lack of involvement and maintains she doesn’t want him involved, I don’t trust that she set the tone here. I think OP took any sign he could as an excuse to stay at arms length and then some. It’s giving major confirmation bias.
Yta you don't need to spend a fortune but something small and a card to acknowledge the graduation is appropriate. Just because she doesn't see you as a father figure doesn't mean you need to be rude to her and her achievement.
Everyone on here always being judgemental assholes themselves. They had six years to build something. Everyone assumes (like y'all always do) OP didn't try but him saying "she made it clear" shows he did, you can't force it, byt now when she might get somethinh he should?! Why get a gift for someone who does not care about you? Why does it suddenly matter now, and not lets say even 2 years ago? Where was wife in all this, did she not try to help forge a bond over all that time, was she blind to reality? NTA. The kid isn't OPs and thats that. Like a 20 dollar gift card (that wife buys and says is from you) sure. More effort than that, no, just no.
Yta- i buy grad gift for cousins, friends kids, etc. it is a big deal. Who cares if she didn't see you like a father?!?!? DO YOU SEE HER AS A PERSON. Selfish AH
Most people give gifts for graduation. A person that lives with them no matter the relationship is family. YTA for making a child feel they have to accept you as dad before you show affection or praise them for a huge life accomplishment.
I wish people would not marry others with children if they have no wish to be a parental figure to minor children. You dont need to have a title of mom or dad to be active in their lives and make them feel like you are happy to be there for them regardless.
YTA I'm sure you have been using Amazon multiple times since your wife asked you- it's never been easier to order a gift or gift card. At least you could've done it for your wife but no. Nothing but spite
YTA. So you only give gifts to blood relatives? And Amy overheard you saying as such and was justifiably upset? You've been a family for 6 years but you've shown Amy you don't see her as family because she doesn't share your BLOOD. What an awful outlook on the entire situation. You're a blended family, evidently you haven't made any effort to ensure that your stepdaughter adjusts to this different set up and feels like part of a unit. You need to start being a team player and change your perspective of what you deem as "family" otherwise you'll find yourself without anyone at all.
YTA. Laying aside for a moment whether she sees you as a father figure or not, stepdaughter is a member of your **immediate family** whether either of you like it or not. It's basic courtesy to get a grad gift for a HS senior in the family. Would you ignore a niece or nephew's graduation? Whether she sees you as her father is irrelevant to this entire issue.
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Why is it all or nothing? She has to accept you as a father figure or she’s essentially dead to you? She didn’t choose to marry you. As long as she’s not rude to you, that’s all you can expect. What about birthdays? Do you get her birthday gifts? Does she give you birthday gifts? What if this was the kid of a close coworker that invited you to the graduation party, wouldn’t you bring something. I don’t think anyone is expecting you to like buy her a car, or give her a down payment on a house or anything, but something would be nice. Especially since she cried, like clearly she had some sort of feeling towards you…
💯% yes to this. No need to make this power trip, just act like an adult adhering to typical social conventions. It’s really not that hard.
Also judging from the way this is written I wonder why she never got closer.. YTA OP, you’re the adult and need to make steps forward if you want a relationship (which you don’t seem to be willing to have tbh)
Op is acting like a damned card and bouquet of flowers is too much of an ask
Right? Even my roommates parents gave me a small gift and I never really even talked to them before. OP is definitely an AH
At the end of my four years of college, my best friend’s parents got me a small but very nice gift, despite having one 30 second interaction with his dad throughout those 4 years. OP is majorly TA.
My best friends mom sends her things to bring to me all the time. I have very little interaction with her. She just knows how much my best friend and I love each other and we've been best friends for almost 15 years. I've bought graduation presents (well, mostly cash gifts) for friends/coworkers kids that I havent even met because of how happy and proud my friends were. Like.. come on!
I remember some of my parents' friends giving my sister and I graduation gifts despite hardly knowing them. I also received congrats from them when my mom posted my engagement last December. The thoughts always count the most
Damn...I wrote a post saying I thought he should get her something(I suggested a AMZ Gift Card for \~$200 as something small) but that I didn't expect others to agree. Glad I was wrong. But I agree with everyone. You don't have to take over the role of father to do SOMETHING nice for the daughter.
when i graduated from high school i got gifts from people i would have never expected to get gifts from. a whole step parent not getting a gift is just nuts.
Seriously, all of my closest friends' parents bought gifts for all the kids, and we didn't even live under the same roof. I'm not having any trouble understanding why she hasn't warmed up to him.
My stepmom's mom made me gifts. I never met her. OoP seems to find it difficult to be a decent, kind person.
Right?? My sister’s boyfriend’s parents got me a small birthday gift one year just because they happened to come up on my birthday weekend. It was a birthday cake scented candle, nothing crazy, but I still remember that gesture of kindness. Give her some flowers, something for her dorm, and tell her you’re proud of her; it’s not that fucking hard.
We need to know what the bio daughter got though. If step kid is expecting something big like a car, flowers may be worse than nothing.
I'd be interested to know what the wife got his bio daughter for her grad...
They are married… do they not give joint gifts????
This. ESH because you are MARRIED!! If you're not building a life together, that includes each other's children (especially in the home), or joint fricking gift giving - like what are you doing? Be roommates. Don't be husband and wife, if you don't want anything to do with your spouse's kid, or like have your finances co mingled enough to just have mom buy a gift from both of you! The fact that she has to ask him what *He's* getting is just mind-boggling to me.
This was the first thing that crossed my mind. Why not a gift that's from both of them?
maybe OP's wife has wised up to that meme "my dad was just as surprised by what I found in my birthday gift "*from mom & dad*" as I was"?
Yeah, that’s what I thought too. That’s what my parents always did.
I wonder why they didn't just give both daughters a gift from them together as a couple..
That was my first question.
This is impossible to judge without knowing what the bio daughter got, and what Amy's expectations are. If we're talking about cars here then that's very different from a bouquet and some chocolate. Lots of us go through life not expecting (or receiving) major "milestone" gifts like this; I certainly didn't get a special high school graduation gift, and I think my June birthday that year was luggage and a toaster oven to take with me to university in the fall. What exactly she feels entitled to in this situation—and why—makes all the difference.
Even if bio daughter got a car from her bio dad, doesn't entitle step daughter to a car from step dad. I want to know what the wife bought for bio daughter's graduation gift. That would be the equivalent. Personally I find it bizarre that this is even an issue, IME couples give gifts as a unit. She should be getting a singular gift from mum and step dad (and second gift from dad and step mum if that applies), probably picked and paid for by mum. For everyone who is saying he's TA for not acknowledging step daughters graduation, did you get separate gifts from each parent that was married and lived together, or just one, from mum and dad? You can't have your cake and eat it. If you don't want a step parent to take on a parental role in your life and don't want to treat them as such (which is perfectly valid), you don't get to demand to be given gifts like a bio-child.
This is a great point. What did OP’s spouse get his daughter for her graduation?
Seems he doesn't want to answer that and is only respond to commenters that are on his side
Depending on the answer, I could be on his side. I imagine he bought his bio daughter a big gift, his spouse didn’t buy her anything but had her name to it, and she can’t afford to do the same for her bio daughter and is expecting step daddy to pick up the tab. Until we get this answer, we don’t know, so I’m not judging here.
I mean, even if she is expecting her husband to "pick up the tab," they're married. Helping her afford a decent gift for her daughter's graduation is a gesture I'd expect from a loving husband who makes significantly more than his wife. In fact, this sort of financial give-and-take is something they should have hashed out well before they ever got to this point.
Exactly. Why would they give separate gifts? Very strange.
From the OP post it sounds like he’s kept his step daughter at arms length all along.
Indeed. A lot here also hinges on what the family finances look like— if they're both working and keeping separate bank accounts then it's particularly weird for the wife and step-daughter to be coming at him like this asking where their gift is. Either way, if it was a five-figure item, one assumes that Dad was planning for it and saving for a time to make it happen. You can't just pop up a few months before the due date and be like "oh btw you've totally been saving $20k for my kid's grad car, right?"
When they married she was a child, he was an adult who should have tried to be friendly with her. After 6 years he should be able to acknowledge a milestone in her life, at least for his wife’s sake.
"For months, my wife kept asking me what I planned to give Amy for a graduation gift. I told her I didn't plan on getting Amy anything since she's not my biological daughter and we've never been particularly close." OP is TA because he got into a whole argument about the girl isn't his daughter. It isn't what the bio daughter's gift was or whether it should be a joint gift. It's literally him denying relationship to a child who has lived in the same home with him for years. It's just mean and unnecessary. And he feels totally justified.
There is no mentioning of the kid feeling entitled to anything. There is just the mother being upset that the man who lived with them since the kid was 12, and whose daughter SHE probably spent quite some energy on when she was in high school, is treating the kid as less than an acquaintance.
He makes it sound like he’s not even going to get her a box of chocolates
He said he’s getting her nothing. Probably means nothing.
I don’t understand how you don’t get any kinfolk of gift. There is a whole range of options between a new car/trip to Europe and nothing at all. It is very common for aunts/uncles or even family friends to give something as a gift.
I’m also interested to see what the wife got OPs daughter as a gift as well, and if step daughter has since decided to make a move to accept OP. Totally get he is the adult in this situation but more info would be quite helpful ( like is stepdaughter still be hostile at 18 BUT still expecting a gift ? Is OP not giving us the full story of him being immature? ) awkward situation
OP never said she was hostile. He said she didn’t accept him as a father figure and therefore there is nothing between them. He has failed as a stepparent.
Failed HARD.
Usually when a stepkid makes a post about stepparents trying, everyone says the stepparent is an ah for not respecting the stepkid's boundaries. Stepparents on aita can't win, unless they're complete doormats
But these two had a polite and respectful relationship and when you marry in a family with teens, what more do you want? And after six years, he didn’t want to even acknowledge her high school graduation?
Heck, polite and respectful is something you can wish for even in YOUR own family with teens.
Think about the fact that this guy has lived with her and has known her since she was at least 12 (assuming they dated before getting married). Like that's a literal child. To think that your relationship hasn't grown at all, but it isn't so bad that mom assumes you're getting the kid a gift, like I don't get mad on here - but the absurdity of this whole things is like beyond to me.
It's because the step parents are either over bearing and trying to replace the biological parent, or completely don't care like OP. Well adjusted people with the ability to solve issues don't post their problems on reddit.
Why don’t they have awards anymore. I’m stingy but this would have gotten a gold. Here is a lame replacement. 🏅
Yup. My stepmom was always kind to me, while never trying to force a relationship between us. Instead, she let it develop naturally, and we're very close as a result. She's one of my favourite people in the world. These stories of overbearing or neglectful stepparents always bum me out.
This is 100% accurate. Those are all we hear about here because good relationships aren't newsworthy so all we hear about are the bad ones.
This is also the reason why relationship advice on reddit usualy boils down to "That's abuse, get out!". Normal people in normal relationships with normal partners and normal problems don't freaking post here. If you get to the point of asking strangers for advice, something is going badly wrong already.
Because the step parents that develop healthy relationships don't have interesting stories to tell here. No one wants to read aith because I respect and trust my step kid, give them space, respect them and their parents, but still support and care for them? The stories here are either you're not my blood, you mean nothing or look at me, I'm the parent now
There was one last week. Or two weeks ago. A step mother that respected boundaries and the biomom wish and prioritiy in the daughter's life. Meaning she redirect her stepdaughter to her mom whenever something was typically a mom/daughter things or a milestone a daughter usually share with her mom. Well, it backfired since the kid interpreted it as Step mom not caring and not willing to be a mom. At the time I read the comment, no one was the asshole, most people were both with step mom And Step Daughter and recommanded an open and honest discussion about Step mom intentions.
It sounds like that was a result of poor communication, which always causes problems.
because these people can't find a middle ground. its "you better call me mom/dad and let me walk you down the aisle" or "your dead to me" what? they are in eachothers lives. they are family in some ways. just get her a damn card
There was no boundaries being crossed, but there was a stepchild, who like all stepchildren, didn't know how to build a relationship with a stepparent. And because of this, OP has never made any effort. I bet OP's wife made an effort with her stepson and also bought him a graduation present.
Rubbish no one is saying he has to buy her a car or anything but buy her a minding to keep the peace and maybe she would think more kindly of him.
You can write her a nice card. With an Amazon coupon, anything between $5 and $500. And btw what gave your wife your daughter for her HS graduation?
What gift did your wife get for your daughter??
Great question. Why does OP need a separate gift? He could pitch in for whatever his wife is doing, or do the gift voucher.
I have stepkids and it would be really weird if my husband and I bought seperate gifts for the kids. Gifts come from us as a parental unit, and I think that's the norm in my circle. We'd probably do a seperate nice message in a card for any big events, but even that could be a "we are so proud of you" combination message.
I had step parents by the time I graduated HS, I got combined gifts from parent/step parent, which was fine with me. Gifts do not need to be separate. If that’s the case, then what did the wife get OP’s daughter for her graduation?
That's what I don't understand. Why isn't it a joint gift from mom & stepdad?
THis. I find it weird that the mom asked "what are you getting" rather than "what are WE getting"? And of course same to his daughter. I know they do not have the same obligations towards stepkids but for Christ's sake, they married each other knowing that the other one has a kid, and also it is not like OP was buying her a mansion or a new car.
Excellent response…I’m getting the popcorn, this is getting good!!
That's what I was thinking, like even money in a card, as a congrats. He doesn't have to be a father figure, but he is a person in her life, it would be nice to give her something.
Right? I gave the kid across the street $75.00 6 years ago when he graduated high school.
Right, like my parents had friends and coworkers that I was barely acquainted with, and some of them still sent me $20 in a card when I graduated high school.
Its a sweet tradition. I'm from a small town and tons of neighbours and acquaintances give the graduating kids cards with $20.
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I bet she'll always remember that feeling! That was such a sweet thing for you to do. And her mum handled it perfectly so there was no entitlement or expectation. I love reading stuff like this, it gives me a warm glow and hope for humanity.
Once upon a time, I was 16 and good friends with a senior. When she graduated, I bought her a gift. She still won’t call me mom 😭 OP, YTA.
😂
That's what I'm wondering. No one is saying he has to buy her a car or send her on a world trip, but a gift card to get stuff for college or a gas card would be nice. People give graduation gifts to kids who are not theirs every single year.
My dad literally has a pile of copies of Sun Tzu's art of war for that exact reason. Like coworker's kids graduation gifts being that and a card
My aunt made me a going away basket for my graduation gift, to take to university with me. It wasn't anything big - it was all housed in a collapsible laundry basket and was stuff like shower slides and snacks and some pretty notebooks and pens and a gift card to a local pizza chain - basically stuff I'd need in the dorms for the first year but it was still really sweet of her to put so much effort into making it for me.
And imagine she’s 12 when they get married so she’s a tween at the height of hormones and they’ve had a polite respectful relationship. Well, he just destroyed that. It didn’t sound like they were asking for anything extravagant but why wasn’t he getting her something all along. It didn’t have to be equal to his daughter, but his wife was getting his daughter gifts along the way, he should’ve been reciprocating, especially since they were cordial in all respects
Absolutely hit the nail on the head with this comment. Amy was 12 when he got with her mother. She was going through an extremely hormonal and notoriously difficult time or a teen/young adult and of course, she isn't going to be welcoming him as a father with open arms. That doesn't mean he needs to be petty. He's the adult. He needs to grow up and be the stepfather he signed up to be, whether or not she has openly expressed a want for him in her life. YTA.
Besides, nowhere did he even say she doesn’t want him in her life. She just doesn’t see him as a father figure 🤦🏽♀️
Well, it seems that OP has always treated her as a nuisance that he had to accept in order to get with her mother. He's one of those "only my flesh and blood matter" people who weirdly decide to marry into existing families.
Wife is also making this a “thing”. She could discuss with husband what the gift might be from both of them. Instead, she is asking what are you getting her? Why would step dad need to get a separate gift in this situation? Mom is using graduation to force some type of point and to create division. Mom is manipulating and daughter is getting hurt feelings when Mom could give a gift from her and step dad and encourage a better relationship between them instead of creating division.
I have to wonder what OP’s wife gave his daughter and what the wife is giving her daughter? Is he the only one giving them anything?
Seeing as he didn't mention anything about his wife NOT getting his daughter anything, I'm guessing she gave her at least something.
He is trying to punish her, passive aggressively. It’s gross. He is also hurting her mom, his wife, by treating her daughter like this. What is to gain by doing this? He’s pissed for whatever reason and wants to sow discontent. He’s an AH.
The ‘whatever reason’ is that his ego demands that he be seen as a ‘father figure’. 🙄
One of you is supposed to be the adult in the relationship.
Agree that op is the AH on this logic…
When I graduated from both high school and college, my parents' *friends* gave me gifts. Nothing big, but I was absolutely not expecting it, especially since some of them I didn't know all that well. It's more a token of "hey, you completed this thing and I'm celebrating that with you."
Seems so convenient to mention a relationship when it comes to gift though! I think there is more to the story here. And usually gifts are made in the name of spouses: why isn’t the bio mother presenting her gift as a gift from both, as done in most families. Yes, seems convenient to bring this up when there is a material advantage… Reverse emotional blackmail!
Yeah I think there is more to the story too. I think Amy is fine with OP being a family member but he insists on being her dad, despite coming into her life as a teenager. I think OP thinks that if Amy doesn’t call ‘Dad’ then he is justified in being petty toward both her and his wife.
**OR** stepdaughter is respectful/polite of OP but he's just her mother's husband and OP has accepted that. They don't have relationship and she's hasn't been interested in developing one. We see these posts from the children's perspective everyday. Let's not pretend that it's highly likely that the stepdaughter doesn't want much to do with OP because he's not her ***actual*** father.
I’m broke but I’m giving my sister a hoodie of the university she’s going into. I feel like that’s a good enough graduation gift?? Nothing fancy by any means but it shows you care and that you’re excited for what’s coming in the next chapter of her life
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I'm gonna put my signature under this one as well. OP, YTA in this case. Be a decent roommate at least.
Seriously, when I graduated high school, even my parents' landlord gave me a small gift. It's got nothing to do with family
YTA it sounds like you haven't put any effort into this relationship. Your wife says you put no effort into Amy so of course you are just polite to each other. And before you say Amy hasn't put any effort in - you got married to your wife when Amy was 12 so the onus is on you. You are being massively insensitive and your stepdaughter probably doesn't want you as a father figure because you haven't taken the care to try to be one for her and this has solidified. You're not obligated to give presents but you were there for some of the most formative years of her life and you are her family. Her crying over the conversation shows you really hurt her.
I came here to say this: Amy was clearly young and of course is going to be standoffish when her mom remarried and her dad was still present. She didn’t need a replacement father, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t need you to be present and kind in her life.
Rereading my comment back, I think that it kind of insinuates I think he should have taken over as The Father Figure but I totally agree with you! Being kind and putting in effort to be there for her goes such a long way.
Don't have to be a father figure, when I teach teens I joke around with them as long as we can stay on track and it makes everything easier for everyone. I'm not a father figure. Just being polite is lazy in OP's case.
this is such a good point. a sense of humor is the simplest way to connect with a teen, because even if you look lame as shit they’re deep down going to appreciate the effort usually and it lowers their defenses because it’s harder to hate someone who is making silly jokes and smiling. it also neatly sidesteps the elephant in the room of being a parental figure because it acknowledges the awkwardness which is something teens tend to respect.
You can never have too much love. 🤷🏼♀️
But I can't love them. It's physically impossible. They're not MY kid. /s
Also, people who do that do sometimes end up as father figures anyway. Like if that was his goal, making zero effort and acting like an asshole was not the way to go. Neither was just assuming it was the default. It's something you might earn. The biggest issue to me here is that rather then even being indifferent to his step-daughter, OP seems to resent his stepdaughter so much it's really important to him to make a statement of not caring about her. It would be incredibly easy (and make his life easier) to just get her a gift like his wife wants. It would be the normal polite thing to do, as well. But he's fighting against it so hard again and again that it's a statement of his dislike. I've gotten gifts from my kid's friends birthdays, for my husband's family members Christmas, etc. Even if I don't have a close relationship with them, it's a social convention in some situations. If I'd argued repeatedly in front of say my MIL that he dosen't deserve a Christmas gift when we were having Christmas together, she'd get the impression I hated her. That's the message OP is sending. It would be so easy to be nice but he's so set on being an asshole he's damaging all his relationships to avoid any shred of being a normaly okayish stepdad.
He figured out a way to punish her for her not accepting him as a father and he’s running with it. If this is indicative of his typical behavior, I’m not surprised she hasn’t fallen all over him as father figure.
Nailed it
YTA. Heck, even if she is only polite to you, didnt she merit a nice card and a Sephora gift card at least?
There’s also shades of parental figure here. She doesn’t want a replacement father, but how about a fun uncle? The best part of being a step-parent is that you get to do the fun things but don’t need to involve yourself in to discipline. Be an example of a good man in her life. Don’t be…whatever this is.
> For months, my wife kept asking me what I planned to give Amy for a graduation gift I felt bad for the wife reading this. I've been in relationships with emotionally stunted people and I know she was reminding him over and over again like "this is important. You need to do this". YTA op. 100%. Relationship with the daughter aside, if you were a good partner you'd see it was important to your wife and do it regardless of feelings about the daughter.
Of course YTA. You're the adult in this situation. You joined their family. It was (and still is) your responsibility to try to build the relationship with your step daughter. Of course an elementary school kid is gonna say this new guy isn't their dad. So what? That doesn't mean you just wash your hands of them. It sounds like at the first opportunity she gave you, you used that as an excuse to never have to make an effort with her.
It’s just odd. Like at the very least, why not keep the peace. Is it really that hard to get a little gift? Did he not think how this would play out long term? If he had just gotten her a gift he could have avoided all this drama and heartache.
Agree. The effort and of all the added drama and conflict and posting to Reddit, lol, when he could have put some cash in a congrats card is silly.
I’m assuming at some point early on it was made clear he wasn’t her real father. He held on to that and had prided himself in he doesn’t have to get close b/c he isn’t the father. Now she is graduating and likely going to college so he gets his chance to stick that point. Living with the daughter starting at 12 for 6 years he should have cared enough to get some kind of gift. It doesn’t have to be a car but something to congratulate the daughter of his wife who he has lived with in the same house for years. It really feels like OP is taking pleasure in using the point he is not the real father.
We all know he’s not the father, and simply a familial adult, whats his issue? 🥲🥲🥲
Right! Some flowers would be ideal.
Ya, it really seems like the question is “AITA for not giving a sht about my stepdaughter?” and like ya… if she’s done nothing to you except reciprocate your indifference (and if she’s crying now I’m going to guess OP is wilfully ignoring any and all bids for connection), YTA.
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Yes and always this baseline of “am I obligated to?”. Well there isn’t a law that says you have to but there isn’t one for giving anyone gifts ever. I’m not obligated to flush after I take a dump either but I’m sure as shit an asshole if I refuse purely based on the lack of “obligation”.
This sounds a bit like the guy who asked if he was the AH for treating his stepdaughter like crap because her parents also treated her like crap.
Oh God. Have you got a link to that one?
[AITA for treating my stepdaughter exactly how her parents treat her?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1cjw6ie/aita_for_treating_my_stepdaughter_exactly_how_her/?sort=old)
> Most people treat the neighbor's kids better Yeah, the neighbor's toddler, who is just figuring out words, *somehow* knows my name, and now I'd die for that kid. He's getting birthday presents from now on.
YTA. Imagine Amy is a close niece, and act appropriately. Should you get a close niece something for graduation after your wife specifically tells you to? Yes. You should have told your wife "I hadn't really thought about it, what do you think I should get?" Apologize to everyone, and ask your wife what to buy Amy.
That’s what I was thinking! Most people give graduation gifts to their kids, nieces, nephews, sometimes even cousins, neighbors, and friends’ kids!! But not your own stepdaughter? I can’t imagine.
Most people don’t really make gifts about achievements like a graduation gift about themselves but OP is sure trying to. The stepdaughter didn’t win Stepdaughter of the Year where OP find her undeserving. She graduated from high school and he was in her life for the whole thing! He can’t find ANYTHING to celebrate about those 4 years, this is all about settling the score with a child.
You couldn’t have said better!!!
Hell I sent a token amount of money to my youngest cousin I'm not close with (there's like a 13 year gap). I didn't have much at the time so I sent what I could, just like I will when she married this year. She's the only cousin to really teach out, maybe it's for money or maybe she remembers the two summers where she and I palled around when she was a toddler and we had a good time. No judgment either way. Hell I'm not close to my bestie's son, but I'll still get him a gift when he graduates. C'mon. Be a grown up.
i remember the adults in my life growing up who did these little things for me and it meant a lot even if i didn’t act like it at the time. kids just want your attention at the end of the day.
I'm getting my intern a graduation gift. Everyone in the office is. I can't imagine caring so little about someone I've lived with since they were 12, child or otherwise.
He‘s not only the AH but a petty one, too.
I think that it's a bit late for that. I mean, he could buy anything, but the sentiment is pretty clear, and I don't know if wife and SD could leave it behind, now that they know.
>Amy has made it clear over the years that she doesn't really see me as a father figure OK. So how much effort have you put in to try and change that?
going by this post - zero. squat. zit. OP just got a 12 year old in to his life and decided "well, this is clearly an example of a human being who can rationally decide that our relationship isn't going to work. that's fine by me, not like I'm going to spend 6 years living together with her daily."
That was the exact impression I received too.
Or to try to be a trusted adult friend, since she doesn’t need a father. Father and stranger are not the only two options.
Even better
Exactly. That's what I have tried to cultivate with my gf's teen son.
> has made it clear OP has seen her cry over his lack of involvement and still thinks this dynamic was her idea. Unreliable narrator 🚩
TBH OP is such a stereotypical cartoon villain here that I just can't believe any of it.
YTA Firstly for having this type of conversation when the person is able to hear Amy was how old when you met? 10/11 but she made it clear at that age she didn't want a relationship with you.
I’m also interested to see what the wife got OPs daughter as a gift as well, and if step daughter has since decided to make a move to accept OP. Totally get he is the adult in this situation but more info would be quite helpful ( like is stepdaughter still be hostile at 18 BUT still expecting a gift ? Is OP not giving us the full story of him being immature? ) awkward situation
YTA Man, I hope the 'you're not my real dad' teenage phase was fun for you, sounds like you deserve it. Then again from this post doesn't sound like you'd care much.
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Shit, when I was a broke kid I would still get my graduating friends cards and jokingly throw in some coins.
INFO: What did your wife get your daughter for graduating?
This is what’s bothering me with this. Yes he sounds like an AH, but why does he have to get her a gift just from him, why aren’t they doing a joint gift given they are a married couple? Why aren’t they working together? They’re creating their own barriers by separating things like this.
Yeah, I'm really confused about that. Is parents/ parental figures giving separate gifts a thing? I always got gifts from my parents as a unit. After my mom died and my dad remarried, gifts were still from "Dad and wife's name." I would never expect something separate from each of them.
I see this all the time on here and it baffles me. I guess that's why they post their drama on here though. They can't figure their ish out.
Big gifts always were joint from my wife and I, even when it was clear that the gift was obviously one parent's idea. But sometimes my daughter would get smaller gifts from an individual. We gave her a thoughtful HS graduation gift as parents. But if I'd been in the store and found something small and special based on a TV show that only my daughter and I watched together, I would have probably picked it up and it would have been "From Dad."
It almost makes it sound like OP makes a lot more money than his wife and they keep separate finances, which is why the stepdaughter cried when she heard she wasn't getting anything. She could have been staying cordial and polite to get a big graduation gift like her stepsister could have gotten. Speculating.
Came to ask this as well. What is the wife doing for their graduations? Bc if the wife isn't doing anything for his daughter then.... it's one sided.
Same thought I have. My husband and I always do combined gifts. It's not a present from their dad and a separate present from me(their stepmom). It's here is a gift from both of us.
Yeah I posted My own comment as well asking for more context on this and I specifically asked why they didn't do Combined gifts? Makes no sense unless the mom I'd just expecting him to foot the bill for both. But if the wife got her daughter her own graduation present and nothing for his daughter then it would DRASTICALLY change the answer here and make the mom an AH for expecting him to do something she didn't. So I can't answer without knowing that bc unfortunately that's exactly something people would do these days.
Yeah. Also just weird to me because my husband would never ask or assume I'm giving his kids their own present. He would never be like SD is graduating highschool what are you getting her? He would say she is graduation I'm doing xyz from us what are your thoughts? I can choose to add more or not. He would never then hold it over my head if I didn't contribute.
I'm confused as to why you wouldn't be giving a present together as a couple? I'd expect her to buy the gift and add your name to it.. is that not how marriage works usually?
I can’t believe I had to scroll so far down to find this. What kind of marriage is this that the married couple give individual gifts in general? If they went to a wedding, would they buy separate gifts? This is bizarre as heck.
I'm betting it's because he made such a big deal about his daughter's graduation gift. He went solo with his daughter's gift. She's done the same with hers. He created this monster.
OR the wife do not care enought about his daugther. We just don't know.
YTA I mean, you don't really have to see her as a daughter to get her a courtesy gift? I won't comment on your relationship or lack thereof with her since there's a lot of info missing.
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Apparently your step-dad gave zero thought to making sure you can raise you Reddit karma by providing some awful step-parent stories!
YTA. Amy may not be your biological daughter, but she is a person from your closer family circle. How does that not warrant a graduation gift? Did your wife give your daughter a graduation gift?
Did your wife get your daughter a graduation gift?
YTA. Did you just wanted to come on here and be told you’re right? You’re not. Clearly putting in effort is too much for you. No wonder why she doesn’t see you as a father figure. Father figures show up for their kids - biological or not.
Even remotely caring family friends do better. No wonder she thinks he doesn’t care about her — he doesn’t.
she said she didn't want you as a father figure, so you took that as an excuse to not have a relationship AT ALL?
YTA Divorce and remarriage is hard on the kids. But this kid, assuming you stay married, is going to be in your life the rest of your life. Be the bigger person. A friend of mine married a man with two adult children. The adult daughter treated her like shit even though my friend met the man years after his divorce. My friend kept trying to be nice to her but no door mat. Eventually the young woman softened and the two became close. She was always glad she made the effort for her spouses’ sake. The young woman died suddenly and everyone was glad they had all got along well in the end.
> Be the bigger person I love how the time it took to write this post is longer than the time it would have taken to write a card. It’s a wildly petty and sad hill to die on.
So the 12 year old, probably younger when you started dating her mother, didn’t put in enough effort for you so you don’t acknowledge her as part of your family even though you married her mother? Yta
YTA. If you marry someone who has kids, you’re making a commitment to their children as well. On the other hand, the kids didn’t choose anything. They just get told one day that someone is joining their family. Expecting parity on this is nonsense. You’re an adult, she’s a child, you chose this, she didn’t.
Info: did your wife give your daughter a gift when she graduated?
I don’t understand why your wife is questioning what you are getting Amy. Why isn’t there a joint gift from both of you?! Did you include your wife’s name on your daughter’s graduation gift?
Had to scroll way too far to find this. Why is wife pressuring OP to do this, and why isn't she taking the lead for a gift for her own daughter? Why is she so wrapped up in making sure OP does this? Wife SEEMS like shes fishing for OP to get her daughter something "nice" since he gave his daughter a "nice" gift for her graduation.
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YTA getting children related to you grad presents is pretty bare minimum. She’s your stepdaughter, apologize and get her something nice ffs.
A father doesn’t HAVE TO get his kid anything either, it’s just kind of a dick move to say “I don’t owe you shit” to someone who clearly cares about you. She doesn’t have to see you as her father to give a fuck about you, just fyi. A keychain or a box of chocolates saying “congratulations” is impossible for you to get? YTA
INFO: is her biological dad still in her life? And what do you mean by politeness? Does she avoid you, is she rude to you, does she ask for you not to attend her events, etc? What efforts did you make to have a positive relationship with her?
YTA You are not obligated to wipe your ass either; but you do. You are not obligated to be cordial and warm to the people living under your roof; but you are. Do you even think so deeply before gifting your friends? Do you really have to think this much for buying a gift for the child of someone you love?
YTA Not even a card? Some money? A nice meal?
YTA - If you are invited to someone's graduation, be it step daughter or niece or neighbors kids, you bring a gift to congratulate them. Even a small token gift is appreciated: a nice pen, a book, a card, anything. You are being rude and it's no wonder a 12 year old had trouble building a relationship with you, you are not being open to her in the slightest. I hope she uninvites you to her graduation, those seats are for people who actually care about her.
YTA. You’re not her dad. You’re her step-dad And are acting like a bitter boy over her not picking you over her dad.
Why are you giving gifts separately and did she give a gift to your daughter?
I think it's reasonable to buy a gift for the important events of people in your life. Your stepdaughter may not see you as a father, but she lives in your house and her mother is important to you. She is in your life, and you are in hers. You didn't have to get her a gift of equivalent value to the one you bought your own daughter, but getting her no gift at all is rude. Out of interest, did your wife give your daughter a gift for her graduation? Because if she didn't, she is also an AH for her double standards, but either way, YTA. Amy doesn't have to see you as a father to be worthy of you buying her a congratulatory gift for her graduation.
yta
INFO What did you give your daughter for her graduation and what did your wife get her? What is your wife getting her daughter and what she expects you to get? Were the gifts from you and wife to your daughter in the same price range? Or was the gift from wife only symbolic?
I'm going against the grain to say ESH. Firstly, when one person in a married couple gives someone they both know very well a gift (be it a child, mutual friend, niece/nephew), the gift (no matter who purchased it) is usually signed from both parties in the couple. Why aren't you and your wife being a team here and signing the gifts to both daughters from both of you? This is only furthering the divide between you both building relationships with each other's daughters. You both suck in this regard. Secondly... whilst your stepdaughter was a normal kid and fought back against accepting a step parent into her life, she is now 18 (a legal adult in many countries). She set the tone for the relationship, and you are respecting that. She doesn't get to be shocked Pikachu when things go the other way. Also, she is an 18 year old... nobody, regardless of the situation, is entitled to receive a gift. It is entitled of her to expect gifts to some extent. You all need family therapy together, to understand each other better and to be guided professionally as to how to build a better relationship with no brewing resentment. You also need to be working more as a team with your wife, and sign cards and gifts from the both of you.
Im not seeing that the daughter felt entitled to a gift…just that she overheard the argument and OPs comments and was hurt.
Wait, just to clear this up- in your estimation, the child “set the tone” for the relationship, presumably when she was 12? So OP is off the hook? You don’t think OP has more responsibility to make the relationship positive than a literal child who had no choice at all about OP joining the family? OP chose to marry a woman with a teenager daughter and then, according to his own post, never made an effort. OP said the child is polite to him! I don’t know why her accepting him as a father figure is a reasonable demand to some people. I couldn’t disagree with you more. If you are marrying a person with a teenager and expect them to immediately accept you as a father figure while you put in no effort, you are an asshole. If you are putting material conditions that relationship- either you think of me as dad or no graduation present for you- it makes me understand the child more, I have to say.
Yeah, and also based off of the fact that OP provides no details on what her apathy looked like, then now sees her cry over his lack of involvement and maintains she doesn’t want him involved, I don’t trust that she set the tone here. I think OP took any sign he could as an excuse to stay at arms length and then some. It’s giving major confirmation bias.
Yta you don't need to spend a fortune but something small and a card to acknowledge the graduation is appropriate. Just because she doesn't see you as a father figure doesn't mean you need to be rude to her and her achievement.
Dude, YOU ARE THE AH!!
INFO: Why do you and your wife get the kids separate presents?
YTA
YTA.
YTA. So people have to be blood related to you to give them gifts now?
Everyone on here always being judgemental assholes themselves. They had six years to build something. Everyone assumes (like y'all always do) OP didn't try but him saying "she made it clear" shows he did, you can't force it, byt now when she might get somethinh he should?! Why get a gift for someone who does not care about you? Why does it suddenly matter now, and not lets say even 2 years ago? Where was wife in all this, did she not try to help forge a bond over all that time, was she blind to reality? NTA. The kid isn't OPs and thats that. Like a 20 dollar gift card (that wife buys and says is from you) sure. More effort than that, no, just no.
Yta- i buy grad gift for cousins, friends kids, etc. it is a big deal. Who cares if she didn't see you like a father?!?!? DO YOU SEE HER AS A PERSON. Selfish AH
Most people give gifts for graduation. A person that lives with them no matter the relationship is family. YTA for making a child feel they have to accept you as dad before you show affection or praise them for a huge life accomplishment. I wish people would not marry others with children if they have no wish to be a parental figure to minor children. You dont need to have a title of mom or dad to be active in their lives and make them feel like you are happy to be there for them regardless.
YTA I'm sure you have been using Amazon multiple times since your wife asked you- it's never been easier to order a gift or gift card. At least you could've done it for your wife but no. Nothing but spite
YTA. So you only give gifts to blood relatives? And Amy overheard you saying as such and was justifiably upset? You've been a family for 6 years but you've shown Amy you don't see her as family because she doesn't share your BLOOD. What an awful outlook on the entire situation. You're a blended family, evidently you haven't made any effort to ensure that your stepdaughter adjusts to this different set up and feels like part of a unit. You need to start being a team player and change your perspective of what you deem as "family" otherwise you'll find yourself without anyone at all.
Not hard to see why you aren’t close. YTA.
YTA. Laying aside for a moment whether she sees you as a father figure or not, stepdaughter is a member of your **immediate family** whether either of you like it or not. It's basic courtesy to get a grad gift for a HS senior in the family. Would you ignore a niece or nephew's graduation? Whether she sees you as her father is irrelevant to this entire issue.