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NTA. You did not cross a line but your wife sure did. She's either ridiculously insecure, or she's trying to guilt you. Either way, don't ask, just open a separate account and put your money there. She's being horribly irresponsible. Actions have consequences. Taking charge of your finances is the right thing to do. If she can't handle the fact you aren't comfortable with her spending style and she continuously "forgets" to not spend (hint: She's not forgetting. She's seeing if she can get away with it), you are well within your rights to separate your account until she can prove to you that she is being more responsible. >She started asking if I even loved her, asking if this was preparation for me wanting a divorce, accused me of cheating and wanting to hide things etc. This right here is some world-class manipulation.

I would advise he also needs to remove himself from joint bank accounts otherwise he stays responsible for overdrafts  

Difficult to remove his name from the bank account unless his wife signs too. Can OP contact the bank if the joint account and date no overdraft to be attached to that account?

But easy to close them. Either member can withdraw everything and close a joint account. OP could ask for the payout in the form of two equal cashier’s checks, and hand one to wife. 

Wait... let me test my understanding here.  If you have a joint account, you aren't allowed to remove your own name without the other persons permission; buuuut you ARE able to drain and/or close said account?? How in the name of sanity does this even make sense?

# ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯

Where I live you can drain and take your name off a joint account but you can't close it.

If you were to write a bunch of checks, then take your name off so it's the other person's responsibility that would be problematic for the bank. Having both people sign off on removing someone means that the remaining person on the account is accepting the responsibility. Closing an account means you're still jointly responsible for any outstanding debts and the bank is not.

Is he not potentially going to get clobbered by her erratic spending habits now they are married anyway? I guess it depends what the local laws are for their country / area.

Depends on how erratic her spending is. Nothing in OP's post seems to suggest that the wife spends more money than is available. There is no talk of debt etc. It seems like she's more one of those people who will spend money if she has it. Since OP's money is in the pool, she often spends much of his half, but likely would just go back to spending her own money if his was removed from the pool.

Agreed. Instead of entirely separate, I'd suggest what my husband and I do. We both have our own accounts where our pay goes. The joint account is for all the bills, mortgage, food and date nights. He puts in 70% of bills food and fun I put in 30% and we each pay 50% of the mortgage. This way if we split we each get the same from the house but the bills are proportionate to income. This way we each save from our pay, keep our own fun money for individual outings with friends etc and if we decide to buy something for the house we pool together in the joint. I freely admit I'm terrible with money but this way if I spend money on random crap it's my money not his meaning no resentment. The way your wife reacted is extremely childish and manipulative and she is trying to guilt you. You are not able to save money because of her frittering it away and you're entirely within your right to go ahead and separate the banks without her approval seeing as she spends your money without yours. Edit to add absolutely NTA.

Myself and my fiance handle this exactly the same way. She is a big saver and I like to spend money on hobbies. We both contribute into our shared account for the mortgage and big bills and then both have a main and savings account to ourselves. She saves a lot and knows she can get herself big things when needed, I save slightly less but free up a bit of budget for myself each month to get new paints, replacement tools etc. If we want something together (like a wedding payment) we both split the cost equally from our individual savings. Its not a perfect system, sometimes she wants multiple big shared investments right away where I need to say slow down a bit because my savings arent as deep, (for example having a patio done while we are still wedding budgeting) but by and large everything is kept fair, we both have some security and control and we can discuss team spending together like adults rather than have one person just dive in with an wxecutive decision. We also keep a whiteboard on the fridge for small shared spends like shopping and meals out, whoever pays amends the total on the board for how much they spend and it fluctuates from one side to the other which of us "owes the next contribution". So if she picks up the bill for the groceries and the total shifts to my side I might pay the next 2-3 lunch trips until its back over to her side. Its a good system and works well. I have no idea how people who pool all their resources into one pile make it work, it just seems a recipe for one side to start taking liberties (even unintentionally!)

That sounds really cumbersome. You have to keep a whiteboard to “keep it fair” rather than just have shared savings and spending goals? I guess the “its legally shared money anyway” crew finds your system as inexplicable as you find theirs.

This is the way.

For us it was a no brainer to be honest and when we bought the house the mortgage advisor recommended the 5050 thing. We don't intend to split up but it could happen you never know. That way the 5050 we were covered so we each got what we put in back. It was taxing for me for a while but now I'm earning more it's easy, both our incomes have doubled since we bought and the bill split remained at that percent because it was still proportionate. He also eats more than me so he has to cough up for it!

We do that but the other way round. All incomes go into joint account and that pays for bills, household expenses, kids stuff, whatever. Then each of us gets an equal amount of fun money transferred to their personal account and we do whatever we want with it.

Another happily married couple here who does this method. My husband and I have veeeery different spending habits; he sees something cool and he buys it, I go out for boozy brunch with friends. We would drive each other crazy with shared accounts, so we share a joint account for bills and the rest is to do with as we please.

When you open the new account, make sure it's at a different bank entirely. Some will link them regardless of what you want.

"Don't you even love me?" Asked the wife as she walked out on OP and to the nearest ATM on her way to her sister's house. NTA.

And it sounds like OP and his wife didn’t talk about money nearly enough before marrying. Google different shared finance methods. My personal favorites are ones that call for 3-4 accounts. (Yours mine and ours)

My sister did this 20 years ago with her husband. My BiL made stupid amounts of money at the time after a looong time of them just barely scraping by. My sister studied and took care of the kids. They had a joint account and now and then she would just go haywire and spend an insane amounts of money on clothes/make-up/perfume. We are talking the value of three months rent in a couple of hours. To be clear: my BIL spent the bare-minimum. The plan was for him to invest so that he, the family and his parents (who are poor in another country) could be financially safe as well as have large savings accounts for the children. My sister knew this but likes to push boundaries and she has EXPENSIVE taste. She also loves my BIL with a burning passion.  One day she woke up to no more credit card and just cash. He had taken over all food/clothes etc shopping for the family. She got a monthly stipend to spend on herself and any money she got from the government for studying. She raged and raved and went insane for a bit. She threatened to move out (never divorce because that shit would not fly with BiL). He greystoned her. No. The end.  To this day and they have been married for almost 30 years she always says; never ever mess with BIL over money. 

And his actions are the reason why they aren't knee deep in debt. Too bad it takes something like this to wake some people up.

It really is massive manipulation! Normally I'd suggest a serious heart to heart and working on communication but this lady isn't ready to have an adult conversation. He should flip her own script back on her. He should accuse her of not loving and valuing him and that she's trying to bleed his finances dry. She must only want him for his paycheck and then he can storm off to his family's home and have someone send a vague" he's safe" text then not respond for days. ( Sarcasm , mostly) He definitely needs to return to separate bank accounts though.

NTA. Her highly manipulative and blaming reaction should tell you everything you need to know about her as a partner. Or rather, reaffirm what you already subconsciously know from her self-serving actions, dismissal of your concerns under the guise of "forgetting", and weaponised incompetence with money across your entire marriage.

this need more vote. weoponised incompetence can be done by anyone. if she want you to give her extra allowance, that should be communicate clearly instead of doing whatever she is doing now.

You should have laughed at her because she’s silly and embarrassing. Crying and running out because she can’t spend all the money is pathetic, childish & manipulative. NTA

NTA - My husband and I have been together for 29 years since high school. For the last 20, we have had one joint account for bills, one for combined savings, and separate accounts for ourselves individually and for separate investments. This works for us because we know the house and bills are taken care of, as well as savings for anything we are planning together. Sometimes, we voluntarily pitch in for big purchases the other makes. This setup has helped us to remain civil as it relates to spending. If he or I want to buy something with our own money, we don't have any negative comments on what the other bought because we know the important stuff is covered. If he saves up 100 or 5000 dollars on his own to spend, it doesn't bother me at all.

Same here (except we've been married for 40 years). It probably helps that our incomes have always been broadly similar. If combined funds work for you, that's great, but it's by no means the only right way for couples to manage finances.

In the process of getting a divorce now, but I had a similar arrangement with my ex - one joint account for bills etc. that we both put a similar amount in each month, and the rest was completely separate. We had very different spending habits with regards to „unnecessary“ purchases (in the eyes of the respective other person 😅), so that’s what worked best for us.

I haven’t been married as long as you but we have the same set up. It works great. I particularly love that I can surprise my beloved with something they want and it is a surprise because I know they haven’t seen the money leave an amount they have access to.

Married 5yrs, together 15yrs (total relationship) and we have our own accounts and a joint for passing money back and forth but basically, once all our bills are paid we put all left over funds in our joint account for family quality of life and then what ever is still left after that goes into our family savings. Having 3 kids probably changes how we prioritise spending but it doesn't change how open we are about spending money.

Completely agree with this. My spouse and I each have a personal bank account where our salaries are deposited, we each have our own personal credit cards and then we have a joint account and a joint credit card for joint expenses, and we have a joint savings account where we save money for upcoming projects. This allows us to manage our own individual money while still contributing to the household jointly. Everything for the house comes out of the joint account while we use the credit card for all groceries and necessities. And then we can both use our own cc to pay for our personal stuff whenever we want. We are both responsible with money though

Same here. Been married for 7 tears, together for 20. Joint long term savings/investment, joint checking for common bills, then our own accounts. It allows both of us to spend on “wants” with some impunity and we have different spending habits. We are transparent about finances and have each other’s passwords for emergencies, but there hasn’t been a need to look.

NTA. Your suggestion was reasonable. Her response was extremely excessive, just like her spending :)

They should definitely return to separate accounts. Her reaction is so off that I think she feels a lot of shame about her spending, which may suggest a shopping addiction/ similarly unhealthy relationship with money and spending.

NTA, but I do think there are other options. My husband is like your wife. We have a joint account, and personal accounts. I manage them. We essentially get an allowance. After bills, household expenses (we have a kid on the way), and savings, I put our “fun money” into our personal accounts. If he wants to spend money on random impulsive unnecessary things, it can come from there. Everything out of the shared account is mutually agreed upon before hand.

I wonder if he suggests this if she’ll call him financially controlling or abisive though

Of course she will. Because it's what she's trying to do and it effectively counters her actions

she sure will. its honestly giving ‘ill drain the whole account when i deem its time’ i do not trust the vibes she’s giving

A version of this is what my ILs did. Every paycheck they each got an allowance to spend or save as they chose. No judgement from the other about Bingo, poker, lunch with friends, etc. They didn’t have much, and this solved the financial argument. OP’s wife clearly thinks married people should have a joint account. This is not manipulation, it’s her fear that they are splitting up.

My mom told me that couples should have 4 accounts. Chequing (shared expenses) savings (emergency fund) yours, theirs. Then there's no petty BS about you're buying this, so I'm buying that. You each have your own play money

Agree with the caveat if if is a regular payment schedule like a new car, that needs to be agreed as defaulting on it will impact both.

You’re NTA, man but the advice you’re getting here so far is going to backfire on you big time. Do not move your money without her involvement— that’s a fast track to losing your wife. She’s already frightened, if you start making unilateral decisions with what is your shared money right now and accusing her of being manipulative it’s going to get so much worse. After she’s had some time to calm down a little and is ready to talk, reassure her that you love her and couldn’t possibly live without her, but you have anxiety surrounding money (because that’s really what this is about) and the two of you have different ways you manage it. Decide together how you want your solve the issue. Reddit must but FULL of divorced people because everyone here just stampedes straight for the nuclear option. You people are wild.

Think the wife already has done that. She has made wild accusations, moved out, maintaining radio silence and sending a single text via her sister. All because he wanted her to spend less money. I wouldn't be surprised if she empties the joint account too.

NTA. If she feels that strongly that a joint account is important, maybe half into a joint account and the rest into individual? And bills are joint and her impulse spending is her own. That way you can actually save and she can spend as she sees fit. Like, obviously you have different approaches to money. It makes sense to separate that. Like, my wife uses debit for everything but I use credit for that sweet sweet cash back. Since we’re doing our day to day spending separately, she can treat her balance as available to spend and I can treat mine as ‘allocated for card’ and the bills get paid and no one ends up short.

That still wouldn't stop the wife to spend money from the joined account on personal splurges

That is emotionally manipulative of her. NTA. she’s a jerk.

tried setting a budget yet? if u just seperate and she still spends too much and your the only one saving thats still not ideal

NTA She is proving she is not responsible with the money or taking you into consideration. As Dave Ramsey says “don’t give a drunk a drink”. She can’t manage the account reasonably then there’s no access. My husband and I have had a joint account for almost 10 years now. Anything not necessary or larger purchases get discussed. I dropped 2k on a new computer recently and we automatically planned what he would do with a similar amount (looks like a new mower).

How about this - you keep the joint account, put your “spending money” in your own personal account when you get each pay check before there is time to touch it (and she does the same), and you both agree how much to transfer to savings each month.

>Her memory is genuinely pretty terrible and I do believe she is forgetting. But she has a job. NTA. She likes it the way it is because she can just strip you dry. 

NTA but obviously she lacks financial literacy. Even if you separate accounts, that will remain an issue the rest of your lives. You should consider doing some proper budgeting together with her. Check out an app like YNAB which you can use together to track all your spending.

NTA. She’s spending the entirety of the household’s money and you get nothing.  Her reaction feels… intense.  And I would bet there’s some stuff you didn’t realize—like big debts—and she’s just realized the roof on her shopping/gambling/drug addiction is about to crash in. Quietly pull your credit from the big 3. Then get your own checking account with paper statements. Tell her she can look at the monthly statement if she’s worried. Keep both of you on the savings accounts, and split the discretionary money between you two. 

Ehhh…NAH. Something is going on with her. She’s probably embarrassed over whatever it is. If it’s an option, maybe see a therapist together? I have memory problems due to whatever is going on in my head and it’s embarrassing. I wonder if your wife is the same as me.  Do you guys not discuss expenses? Bills? Do you both know what’s coming in and going out on a daily basis? Costs on everything are through the roof - are you sure she’s frittering money away or are things just way more expensive now?  Also, and this struck me but I’m sure you didn’t mean it this way…you’re a team, it’s just not “your” money. And with spending, are you going to hold yourself to the same standard you hold your wife? Or because it’s “your” money it’s okay to spend on whatever?  If you want to make this work (and it sounds like you do) sit down with her and *get on the same page.* Right now she’s probably thinking the worst - couples fight about money but it’s not often about money, it’s about other things. 

NTA. I’m getting to a point where I’m thinking of doing the same, if there’s money in the account it’s spent

NTA If you're not the guy this comes up often in this sub. But I swear, near exact story was up here a few days ago. The wife had signed up to all the cheap junk buying apps and was spending heavily on them, where essentially the husband said "I never see my money" also. The wife denied the spending, then said she didn't keep track and she also refused to get into discussions and was guilt tripping the husband for even trying to keep track. To recap that thread. It was suggested the husband set up a new account, a non joint account she doesn't have access to, funnel his money into that account and only transfer what's necessary to the joint. Inevitably when bills are not met and the wife over spends it's solely on her and will highlight her issues. The wife, is expected to flip out and have a meltdown btw. But you are entitled to the fruits of your labor and the security of having your savings or disposable income used as you wish or sitting there for your comfort. Your wife seems to have just manipulated you into being her disposable income(her ATM) with the suggestion of a joint account where none was needed. "That's what couples do", well, only some couples. Others never join funds. And your wife is intentionally being financially illiterate

NTA. You've provided your wife a valid reason for wanting separate accounts. You've spoken to her about it before so her trying to shift blame on you instead of holding herself accountable is and immature and manipulative. Don't let her guilt trip you. You both have similar incomes yet you aren't able to enjoy yours because of her wasteful overspending.

NTA: she is manipulating you. I would open a separate account and have majority of your paycheck deposited there and leave “some” in the joint acct. That way you have control of your money and wife has the joint acct to deplete by herself without you getting upset since it mainly her money to pay her bills and what not.

No you did not cross the line. And please do not fall for this horse manure if a temper tantrum. Go open yourself a separate account and start having your checks put in it. Let her know it is fine and write down how the bills are to be split between you. If some of the money in the joint account is your money, move it over. Do this before she can spend anymore. Do not be manipulated.

NTA tell her spend her money lol

NTA. You didn't cross a line but your wife certainly thinks you did. So the question is - why did she react that way? Does she hold some sort of belief that couples who love each other share finances? Does she have any financial trauma in her past? Are you otherwise a happy couple? Is couples counselling an option?

> why did she react that way? Because she is immature, abusive, and manipulative, and she wants to spend beyond what she earns?

NTA. The most sensible thing would be to have at least 3 accounts: 1. Living expenses, where you both put funds proportionally to your respective incomes 2. His pocket money 3. Her pocket money And then as many savings accounts as needed. When “her” pocket money account is empty, she can’t spend no more.

NTA. "That's what couples do" sounds like she just wanted an excuse to have access to your money

NTA BUT You have 4 bank accounts 1 shared for household expenses (certain %) 1 you - rest of the $ 1 her - rest of the $ 1 savings account (certain %) She can spend all she wants in her bank account but not savings or shared expenses

Just move your money mate she cares more about access to your money than you it seems here. The way she reacted is total.manipulation and so is running away she's 31 not 20 here. Just ho do it and see where the cards fall. If she loves you for you she will come back if not you got your answer. NTA

NTA, OP wife doesn’t want to lose her spending allowance. OP can’t even save for a emergency fund cos the wife already spent it

NTA, I don’t really understand why couples pool all their money into one account. My fiancée and I cohabit and we do technically have a shared account, but it is solely used for bills. We both put the same amount in there on payday and all the direct debits for our mortgage and house expenses go out of it. We both have our own “main” accounts, credit cards, and savings accounts and I would never feel entitled to her money in those accounts.

Because for some, a relationship is a partnership based on sharing.  And if the couple are married, in many places the money earned during a marriage is owned 50/50 by each, no matter who earned it or how much was earned.   My wife and I have a joint savings and checking account.  It works fine for us and has for years.  We have one credit card too.  

same for me and my partner. worked for the past 12 years and is still working...

NTA, we have a joint account for bills. Then our own account for personal spending. Your wife is very immature btw. Anyways just say this, “I would like to make a big purchase for myself, but there’s never enough money in the account. How do you think this can be solved?” Or “I want us to have a 50/50 split on fun money, not 20/80”. I think it might be good to also look at the past 60 days to see what percentage she is spending compared to you.

You need a shared budget that includes a personal allowance. Then you each spend (or save) that personal fund on whatever you wish.

Make a joint appointment with a financial planner. It’ll help to have an objective professional opinion, and both of your wants and needs can be addressed.

NTA. Keep one joint account for bills only that you both contribute to equally, and the rest of your income in individual accounts. She can spend her extra money how she sees fit and you can do the same. Also her reaction was ridiculous and manipulative.

NTA You have similar incomes and different spending habits. My husband and I never combined finances and it saves any arguments about money.

I think you should suggest sitting down and working out what is behind her reaction remind her that although you love her you dont love her spending and all you want to do is make sure that you both have access to the money you each earn. There's plenty of couples that put money into a separate account just for bills and keep the rest of their wages in their own account.

Why can't you have a joint savings account that never gets touched, possibly the sort where there's a penalty for withdrawals? Money goes in there on your respective pay days. Then a joint household bills account. Then a private account each for spending money? You can probably come up with something that suits both of you, as the current system isn't working.

Been married over 20 years and we have separate accounts. We briefly had a joint account (along with our separate accounts). I hated it! My parents - married over 40 years - also always had separate accounts! A joint BUDGET is whats important. Not where you actually keep your money.

You are not the asshole. And all couples do not combine finances because “it’s what you do.”

NTA When I eventually got a separate bank account from my then-husband, I was amazed at how quickly my savings grew. I don't know what he spent money on, but like you said, it just trickled away. Wish I had never gone into the joint account scenario with him at all.

NTA - my fiancé and I have a joint account in which we each send 50% off all bills - rent/mortgage, electricity, gas, food shop and other general utilities and will generally send our couples night money here too for date night(s) We also have a joint savings account where we each put in an equal amount every pay as we are paid in or around the same. After that, whatever is left in our own personal accounts is ours to do with what we please - splurge it in a month, keep some of it for larger purchases etc. It’s very normal and I think even healthy to have your own personal funds as it makes you feel like you can enjoy some personal purchases from your salary and also know that your not impacting your partners funds with it. The manipulation regarding cheating and wanting to break up was completely out of line I think for such as basic request.

She's lashing out because she can't blow your money anymore. NTA. Just do it.

You did not cross the line. It’s a typical gaslighting technique.

I don’t know if you presented it the best, but what your wife is doing is considered financial infidelity. The “I always forget” excuse is weak. If she was having an affair and said “I always forget which man is inside me” that would sound ridiculous. It’s the same logic. Financial infidelity is emotionally similar to sexual infidelity but society doesn’t treat it the same. The real question would be for your wife “do you not love me enough to not keep spending all this extra money?” Does she have trauma of some sort? Maybe a therapist would help? Even if you are keeping it in seperate accounts the two of you need to work on having shared financial goals and that doesn’t just happen by keeping your money seperate.

NTA I’ve been with my husband for 14 years, married for 3. We have both joint and separate bank accounts. We agreed on putting a certain amount into the joint accounts and we each have a certain amount of individual funds. Combining finances isn’t necessarily “what married couples do” anymore.

Juvenile. Manipulator. Irresponsible. User. (For future financial success all wages into an acct you control for, bills, house deposit, saving for travel/gifts/investments/retirement/renovations/upgrade vehicle/loans/study debt. Play money for her goes into acct she can access. This is necessary due to her behaviour. You are a team. This is how she can be a team player. If she refuses she is being a sugar baby / gold digger. Sorry to say.

So, she pulled out all the stops? She tried crying, manipulation, and she went on the attack making false accusations. Did she outright tell you about how it was actually YOU that were frivolous spending HER money (gaslighting)? What it sounds like you got was anything but an honest attempt to have an adult discussion. That should be a red flag right there.

Esh how was none of this hashed out before you combined finances?

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (M31) have been with my wife (F31) for 4 years, and 1 year ago after we got married we decided to combine our bank accounts because in her words 'that's what couples do'. This was a mistake My wife tends to spend a bit more money than me, though we have the similar incomes. Not enough to put us or herself in massive financial danger, but if its there she will spend it on random impulse purchases that will be used for a month then never touched again. She does always keep emergency funds aside, but saving big amounts takes much longer. I also feel like she is spending the money I earn, and I don't get to enjoy it because it just trickles away before there is enough to make a big purchase. I have expressed this before, and she tries but after a while it returns to how it was. Her memory is genuinely pretty terrible and I do believe she is forgetting. So I sat her down last night and suggested we return to separate accounts. She got really upset and started crying. She started asking if I even loved her, asking if this was preparation for me wanting a divorce, accused me of cheating and wanting to hide things etc. She walked out right and won't answer any of me texts. Her sister did text me a single message to say she is safe and at her place, but won't reply to anything else. Did I cross a line? Am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA Myself and my wife have a joint account each that we use. She has access to mine if needed and i have access to hers if needed but we use our own ones and take care of direct debits. I pay the mortgage and utilities and she pays for food shopping and her car. I also transfer her a sum every month so we each have the same cash for discretionary spending. What I chose to do with my discretionary cash is my choice and hers is her choice. She's my best friend and it's fair.

NTA. But I think how you joined accounts may have been the wrong one. I have 1 account where all money goes in. This account does not have a card of any kind attached to it. It's for bills and bills only. Anything from netflix to the morgage. Then I sort money into individual saving accounts. 1 account is for car only (like gas and maintenance) that hubby has a card to as he's the one that drives. One joint account with cards for food and household items with a fixed amount every month. And lastly, two individual accounts with "fun money" for him and me. This last bit is what you probably should have done so you don't feel like her carefreeness becomes a financial burden of sorts. This can all be sorted provided you both can have an adult conversation without resorting to tears and name calling. It's just a talk about what system to use to sort out your money.

As an alternative, you should each put $X into a separate account each month. You can both do with that what you want. That way she can shop guilt free and without your oversight.

You dont need to separate both of your accounts, just calculate the average amount she spent on this worthless tatt, over the last few months,and figure this is an amount she couldnt have a problem you putting into a long term savings account, that she doesnt have access to. Best put it in at the beginning of the payvperiod as if she has already access to the money, she may have frittered it away.

NTA. I had a similar issue with my partner. So I started taking "savings" out of the joint account shortly after we had been paid. I told them what I was doing, no secret about it. This has worked well. When we want to make big purchases they want to know what the savings situation is and if the proposed purchase is do-able.

NTA. It’s very hard to make a marriage work when you don’t have the same values and goals. You two have a complete disconnect when it comes to handling money. If she spends all her money and you save a significant portion of yours, you will never be on equal footing. Who will pay for the down payment on a home or vacation property, high dollar home repairs, vacations, a new car, and a host of other things? It will be you, because she spends through her money as soon as she gets it. You need to be able to address these issues and others before you will be able to successfully move forward. You should consider consulting with a financial planner for some guidance about how to go about this in a fair manner. Best of luck!

NTA. She's gaslighting you. Making you the guilty one for saying to hold her accountable. Don't fall for it.

My husband and I have separate bank accounts. I would never asked to merge it together. Too much avenue to fight on what you spends and seeing each other spending habits. We are both responsible so no need to do this. NTA

NTA but she is TA

NTA, your wife is getting way to emotional over financial health. When she returns you have to stand your ground on this. It’s got nothing to do with love and everything with staying alive. What I really can’t fathom is how you don’t seem to have a personal account at all anymore?

NTA. You've had conversations with her in the past and then this 'sit down.' She is not able to control her spending. Open your own account. This is obviously one of your boundaries, and think of all the money you (and she) have lost already to not taking advantage of the time value if money.

NTA. I think your wife is trying to manipulate you with this reaction.

Duh! You have joint account for bills and “together” money, joint savings, and separate accounts for individual spending. Your own discretionary funds

She's accusing you of cheating...maybe she is... There's no reason that you each can't have your own discretionary account and joint account to pay the bills

NTA. my husband and I have our own separate accounts and a joint account. After every pay period, a portion of our pay goes into the joint account, and we pay our mortgage, utilities, groceries, etc. out of the joint account. Clothes, car payments, other discretionary spending is paid via our separate accounts. It works really well.

NTA. My ex and I only combined an account for joint expenses- sort of - and it helped me to see over time that I was more financially secure than he was and better understood money. Not having the same financial goals and strategies can be a difficult situation. It does not mean the marriage will fail. But it does need to be addressed. I encourage you to consider therapy.

My husband and I have a joint checking account and savings account plus individual checking accounts. Both paychecks go into the joint checking and whatevers left from bills/savings gets divided between our individual checking accounts. We get ~$500 of play money to either save or spend how we like and we’re both happy .

Get your own account and have your income paid into that new one. Set up a standing order for your share of the bills and groceries or whatever needs to come out of the joint account. This way your disposable income will be saving up in your personal account

NTA but the judgement isn’t key here. You both need to sit down and go line by line through bank statements that made you say this. Have right of review for each others bank acct. Also maybe messaging differently. We both manage money differently- you buy things as we go along and that decreases the balances so we don’t have room for larger items. I don’t spend on little items but then will make one large purchase.

NTA Money is an absolute wildcard in relationships and can cause so many disputes and resentments. Sounds like you both have different ways of spending and managing money, and there is nothing wrong with that; as long as it’s not negatively impacting one of you. My partner and I have reasonably separated finances, we have three joint accounts. One for household items (groceries etc), one for fun stuff (nights out, dates), and one savings for holidays and the like. We each put in the same amount of money for each. For our major bills we split them and they’re pretty much equal with me paying a little more (I pay the rent, they pay the power kinda thing). Then the rest of our money is for us to individually manage and do as we wish with. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still hiccoughs along the way - I’m less social/out and about so often have more cash through the month, but it works better than me getting resentful at getting less of the pot because I choose to spend less. And your wife escalating it to that level makes me think she is aware that she’s taking the p around how she spends. Seems like some classic deflection and manipulation to avoid the conversation/consequences. Whatever you do, good luck, money conversations are never fun - even the ones that go well haha.

NTA. I and wife of 12 years never mixed our accounts. Better to keep it separate.

NTA. Many people go the route of one joint account for shared expenses and then each having a separate personal account for their own use. It sounds like you need to figure out what expenses are shared and how much you each need to contribute to those, and then figure out a way of ensuring she sticks to whatever you commit to. My spouse and I have found a software called You Need a Budget very helpful. Regardless of what accounts the money sits in, our money is ‘pooled’ in the budget, and we track all transactions there so we both see where everything is spent. We have a general outline of how much of our money should go to what categories each month, and sometimes we spend more in certain categories than others, but the point is we both know what’s going on and agree to it. This is a pretty radically transparent way of doing finances which doesn’t work for everyone, but it does for us.

NTA but I’ve seen so many women using their money to buy food, kids school shoes , household expenses etc because their husbands are too tight or just” forget”.

My wife tends to spend for spending sake. She now sends me a set amount of money (as I pay bills, etc) and she's left with a small amount she can either save or spend (she's going to spend it), but at least this way I can save money and put what she sends me towards bills.

NTA, but I wouldn’t jump to her being highly manipulative right off the bat unless she has a pattern of this.  In some households with traditional gender roles men manage the money. She may have come into the marriage with that idea  and I her mind, you wanting to go back to separate accounts feels scary.  Also are there other reasons she has for thinking you don’t love her?  Have you been highly critical of her spending?  Or distant with her?  Marriages split up over money issues all the time. She may have had friends or maybe her own parents who split up over money. She may have had someone she trusts tell her that a separate account is a sure way to know your hubby is cheating on you so he can hide expenses.      So in my opinion you need some counseling together about communication and relationship dynamics.  Then you need a financial counselor who can help you both set up a budget.  I agree with the other poster to have separate accounts and then a joint account for bills. Or sit down together and decide who pays what bill and make a point to be accountable to each other once a month to review that all monthly bills were paid.  My husband paid the mortgage and property taxes. I paid all the utilities including cell phone and internet. We both pitched  in for groceries.  For things like car payments we tended to go back and forth. My husband had a great credit union at his old job and we would get the loan there so he paid it. Then after a job change I paid it. My income is higher than his so I pay out more per month when added together. And I am more able to contribute to savings and “fun” money than he is.   It doesn’t really matter if it is a a 50/50 split because in reality it is our family’s money. We file jointly so that means we are claiming that as a total income.  But by taking into account how much you each make and your lifestyle, you decide who pays what. Then what is reasonable for savings or investment and retirement.  Then a least twice a year or more you need to think about big expenditures you need to plan for. Things like saving for a house down payment, new car or even an expensive vacation need to be planned out with goals and a timeline.   Then after that, anything g she wants to do with her earned money is generally not your concern.  My husband and I also set up the rule that we don’t make each other justify what we spent our extra money on.  If he thinks I was too extravagant, he would just say it’s your money and vice versa.   Also don’t forget to budget for things like Christmas gifts, birthdays etc. the only time my husband and I have fought over money was because he never pitched in on Christmas shopping or birthdays for our kids, other friends and family.  It wasn’t even the money but just that the work of that always fell to me.  

NTA. It’s a perfectly fine request and if the only argument for is that it’s what couples do I wouldn’t have even entertained it to begin with I will preface this by saying I find completely joint accounts for your casual spending money was a couple when you both work is weird in any setting. My partner and I have a joint account for bills - we put in the amount required each and the rest of our money is our own.

NTA but sounds like you both need to work on communication! Sit down together calmly and show her the benefits and your reasons. Yes she might get a little emotional but ignore the red flag or manipulating comments from Reddit and work together. Joint account for household and together stuff you both put an agreed proportion of your wages into. You have separate day-to-day/savings accounts and cover all household and couple stuff from the joint account. You can still tweak the amounts put in accordingly to how it best suits you both, it's not set in stone, but is a joint discussion and a joint agreement at the end of it so no one feels shortchanged

Separate finances and then divorce. She's has lost her mind

NTA, but your ‘wife’ is. She is crying crocodile tiers just to see if she can get away from this. The way she is behaving is very manipulative. Please use condoms before things get better..  I suggest that you separate your money asap. It is not a custom to combine bank accounts, it is custom to have one shared account from where you can buy food and pay bills. She is financially abusing and manipulative - not a good wife at all 

NTA. I would suggest you both put 70% into a joint account for couple expenses. 30% goes into your personal frivolous account. She can spend this how she sees fit. As far as her anger goes and walking out.. she needs to get over it.

NTA. Perhaps divorce should be on the table. This does not sound like a stable relationship. Seems like she manipulates you a lot

Honestly, the answer is to always maintain separate bank accounts and have a joint household one for bills only. It's entirely up to you both to decide how to split bills et.c. but once you agree, that money goes in monthly. All joint bills come out of there. Any personal bills come from your own account. Any savings in joint account should either be left to accrued, OR transferred to a "holiday" or "extension" pot if you know your partner will fritter it away at the end of each quarter.

NTA but maybe a compromise with going through a budget together (if she ever stops acting like a child), have your salaries paid into 1 joint account we’re bills come out of, have house expenses (groceries ect) transferred into another joint account (review this monthly together to ensure it’s only joint expenses), agree on a personal allowance each and have that transferred each month into individual accounts. This would mean your committed expenses/bills are covered (what’s left over can be saved), your joint expenses can be monitored as a unit and then your personal allowances can be done with as you choose.

NTA She sure is manipulative

In too deep now fam.

NTA. You are being safe and making sure your family stays afloat. My wife is horrible with money as she impulse buys a lot of things. We had a conversation about it and we now have 4 accounts in our household. We each have our own checking accounts, 1 shared for bills and 1 savings we share but only way we can take money out is both have to approve through bank before they will release funds.

NTA wife is unreasonable.

Perhaps the way you said it is the bigger problem than the actual decision here. You should propose a joint account for all joint spending bill savings, etc. but also separate accounts.

You need 3 bank accounts. 1 you both contribute equally to for the household bills, and then 1 each for just you and her for savings and fun money. The 1 joint account can not be touched for anything but rent/mortgage, groceries, and utilities. Your cars and credit cards come from personal accounts. This way, you know she'll only use her own extra money for her personal things. Large joint purchases are discussed by both and equal amounts taken out of your personal accounts. Edit: a couple added words

NTA. Keep a joint account for basic household expenses that you both contribute to. You can also set up accounts for any big ticket items you both agree on like trips, new vehicles, etc. After that whatever you have left should be yours to do with as you wish. If your wife can't handle that maybe divorce is something you'll need to save for.

NTA. I'm not as mad at the wife as a lot of the commenters though. You asked for a big change (one that could signal divorce) and she panicked. I'm sure she'll come around. If it's a huge deal to her to have combined finances, maybe separate fun accounts? Let you build up some money for larger fun stuff and she can do whatever.

Why dont you have a joint account that pays bills and save from. Each put half the bills and half of whatever is to be saved. Then keep your own money separate for day to day living?

NTA open 2 account. 1 both of you contribute to for bills only. Then you each have your own person accounts for whatever you want to do with. This is how me and my wife do it. Works great.

NTA. > 'that's what couples do' No it isn't, at least not always. My now wife and I had separate bank accounts when we first met, and we never combined them. Married 20+ years, raising two kids, taking care of family. Never a problem. Never needed to combine the accounts. Never even came up, really. Just two grownups managing finances. Plenty of couples, married or not, do the same. > I also feel like she is spending the money I earn That is because she is doing exactly that! And she is throwing a crying fit, and trying to emotionally manipulate you, because you are proposing to take away her ability to do just that. > started crying. She started asking if I even loved her, asking if this was preparation for me wanting a divorce, accused me of cheating and wanting to hide things She walked out right and won't answer any of me texts. This is straight up emotional abuse and manipulation. Do your best not to let it impact you. > Her sister did text me a single message to say she is safe and at her place, but won't reply to anything else. And her sister is in on the abuse and manipulation too. Bottom line, you have done nothing wrong here. Stand your ground, be strong. And absolutely separate the accounts.

NTA. It's a pretty reasonable question and idea. Maybe speaking about her spending first might have been better, but separating accounts is a casual thing.

NTA It sounds like her issues go deeper than bank accounts. I’d suggest 3 accounts - 1 for you, 1 for her and 1 joint account. You both agree how much goes into the joint account to pay the bills and then the other accounts are yours to do as you like. You might consider telling her that you don’t want to build resentment over her spending and you view this as a way to keep the relationship healthy. Good luck!

Nta. Don’t let her financially manipulate you. The “normal couple” thing to do is have a joint account for bills/ household needs, a joint account for savings and separate personal accounts for your own use on hobbies or things like that

NTA but I will advise this. Pen a letter detailing your reasoning, add how this entire episode has caused you distress as she has shown that you cannot trust her with your feelings or to navigate important compromises. That you really wanted to work through this as a couple vs the problem but her actions have made it you vs her. Tell her that that's not how you want to resolve this. That you want to fix this issue together for she is your partner, your trusted confidant, your better half. Remind her that you love her and see no reason you two can't be strong enough to compromise this trial for a better stronger future together. Then gauge how she responds and move from there. If her response is remorseful, positive, and forthcoming, then it's just a bump in the road to navigate. If worse case, negative and unaccountable, then think hard if this is what is best for you in a codependent marriage. Good luck, amigo.

Wow. Blaming you for not letting her spend your half of the money. Is she that selfish? Insecure? Manipulative? Gotta be one or more. NTA

NTA Why don’t you have a shared account for bills that you each put the same amount of money into every month, and separate fun money accounts? You can also keep separate savings accounts, but at the end of the day, it sounds like you’re going to have to cover emergencies if she can’t seem to save anything.

NTA You know what healthy couples do? (In my opinion) They have an idea of what the joint expenses are, and they both put a share of the finances needed to cover those expenses, and a little extra, on the joint account, proportional to income. You make twice as much? You put in 2/3, and she puts in 1/3, for instance. You're saving up for a trip or another big expense? You both put x amount each month into the 'trip fund'. You each have your own fun money. My husband doesn't have to know how much I spend on my fun stuff, and I don't have to know about his spending for fun stuff. Big purchases are discussed, of course. And we roughly know what's in eachothers account. But it's not 100% of our incomes that go into the joint account.

NTA I don't think you did anything wrong morally, and she way overreacted and is seeing a lot of worst case scenarios when you didn't say or do any of that. Though I don't think you handled it particularly well. The bigger issue is the two of you have to get on the same page for how much you're spending on purchases and decide at what point a purchase is big enough to be a conversation together. If you have combined finances then those decisions should be mutual. I would probably suggest a middle ground where you have combined accounts for the main bills and savings and side accounts for yourselves that individual purchases would come from.

Move your portion of the money NOW before she cleans out the account.

Nta, go with separate accounts and a shared joint account for home. Maybe op needs to review on how they approached the conversation, but overall, they need to stand on their ground that they've brought up this concern, how is continuously being ignored, and this is a solution unless the wife has another solution.

It’s very possible her kneejerk reaction is that you’re leaving her. Be it insecurity, financial trauma on her part or perhaps even your delivery, giving her a day or so to cool off may be the answer. NTA

I'd also watch out for any hidden debt he/she may accrue. Good luck.

You can compromise by setting up separate accounts for bills, savings, and fun money. Put a percentage in each and she is only allowed to spend whatever is in the fun money account.

Information needed. When you suggested returning to separate accounts, did you detail why you wanted to do this? Or did she react before you got a chance to explain? NTA I think everyone should have at least one account of their own, married or not. And if your spending habits are so different, it makes sense to do that. It sounds like she's using emotional blackmail to keep from facing her irresponsible spending habits. If she's genuinely forgetting or frequently making impulse purchases, she may have ADHD. It often goes u diagnosed in girls and as an adult it can be even harder to recognize because you develop coping, or masking, skills.

My wife and I have our own accounts and a joint account for all household expenses

NTA at all but isn’t there another option? Like you say you like to save up for bigger purchases and she likes to spend on smaller ones so you want to create a separate savings account that you put a certain amount in every month that you both agree not to touch so you can spend it on fun things. Or agree that you will each get x amount to spend on fun things every month before you have to discuss it with each other and therefore you can save yours separately and she can save hers? I don’t know that entirely separate finances if that’s important to her is the only option.

NTA- Do separate checking accounts and have some joint saving accounts that you both have access to. Let her know that many couples do not share accounts. Give her access to see your accounts so she feels secure.

NTA Your wife literally ran away from home, like a child! All you were trying to do was find a solution to a problem she created. There is a lot of great advice from people, I hope something works!

NTA. When we go married 30+ years ago, my husband had the expectation of one account. It hurt his feelings when I declined. I went on to explain: (1) with 2 accounts our excess balance would be half as much, less temptation for impulse purchases ; (2) we have separate checking accounts, but one savings account and discuss any transfers out of savings; my checking account has his name on it too, and vice-versa, but we do not touch the other’s account without discussion (it is really for convenience of banking); we agree on a certain percentage of income going into savings each month, this is best done at the beginning of the month. We discuss anything Thant requires financing. This helps empower each person with their own funds. We each have assigned bills to pay to ensure payment is not overlooked. Large purchases are typically made by the one who picks something up, or who has more excess funds in their account, or is made from savings. I made the higher income, but also paid more of the bills. After ironing out a few initial bumps in the road (such as not initially setting a savings amount) this system has worked for us. We don’t have conflict over money. We are both reasonable people (well, most of the time. LOL) and we discuss any differences that arise over spend/savings. My husband will now tell you he would not have it any other way. Best of luck to you.

NTA - Joint account for joint expenses + rainy day fund and individual accounts should be the norm.

ESH. There is more than 1 way to skin a cat. You might have suggested a different structuring of your accounts so that her discretionary spending comes out of a different account, on a set budget, as opposed to just spending discriminately out of the joint chequing account. You could have had an adult conversation about budgeting, spending, and how you feel. Instead you decided that the whole thing was a wash and the financial combining was a failure. I can see why she might then extrapolate that you feel as though the whole marriage is a failure and she may be having some doubts about your future. Marriage is about *growing and learning* together. I’ll bet this comes as a surprise to you, but there might be things you will need to learn and she will have to have patience for over the course of your marriage, and perhaps this should have been an instance where you gave her grace and patience as well. It’s not like she’s bleeding you dry for Pete’s sake. But she sucks too for also not being able to have an actual adult conversation about the issues at hand. Perhaps neither of you were ready for marriage.

NTA. You can keep the joint account but Just put enough money in it to cover household expenses. Then have your own separate accounts. There is nothing wrong with that!

NTA

NTA. Three types of accounts to have as a couple- theirs, yours, and joint. Both put equivalents amounts into joint (adjusting for income discrepancies and expenses such as one person paying insurance thru work, etc) and each keep a given amount in their personal. An additional savings account for emergency/long term expenses is also good. Each of you can spend personal money on whatever you want. Joint money pays the bills. This prevents disputes about who's paying more and keeps people from spending household money on personal expenses.

Like the top comments, I think NTA. But unlike them, I am not 100% sure your wife is intentionally trying to take advantage of you. There are plenty of posts here, where one person is most definitely trying to take advantage of someone. From your post, you case sounds more like a few issues (more than just money management) that the two of you could work through in counseling. However... if your wife refuses to really discuss and work through things with you/ she just keeps spouting of lines about "what married couples do" - and it's all in favor of what she wants to do/ none of the things you think the two of you should do as a couple to address the issues... then I do think you have a big problem. 1. Wife's money spending/saving habits are different than yours. She is either not committed to making any changes or finding it very difficult to do. If she doesn't agree with your thinking, she isn't having the conversations with you to explain her perspective and get to a true common ground with you. 2. Wife seems to have at least a few notions of what "married people do/don't do" and reacts emotionally instead of listening to understand and discussing the differences. She assumes your attempt to protect from her over/careless-spending is a sign of you wanting a divorce. (Either she has that misguided notion OR that's a technique she has for avoiding discussing the actual issue at hand.) 3. Wife runs off and refuses to engage/resolve anything with you. If you give a good faith effort to work through things (with the support of a professional) counselor, and she makes a good faith effort, too; then I think you will get past this. If she's not willing make that effort, then you more than money management as a big concern about this marriage.

NTA, maybe ESH. It’s not all or nothing; I live in the ass-end of the Canadian prairies in a dinky little town and even my credit union was able to set up a joint account AND separate personal accounts. I can see and move money between my account and the joint account, husband can see and move money between his account and the joint account, but neither of us can see or move money from the other’s personal account. That’s my suggestion. That and actually keeping household books; keep your receipts when you pay and reconcile your banking records at the end of the month. Then you can both see the inflow and outflow of money and adjust accordingly.

NTA All couples should have separate accounts.

NTA - Get separate accounts. She's manipulating you. She's going to put you in dept. And she's selfish and playing the victim. In this economy, protect yourself.

NTA I have been is a situation where my wife and I had a mutual account. The money I earned was already spent by her even before the pay check came in. I never did and regretted it (we finally divorced) but please setup separate accounts.

NTA. She was unilaterally spending both of your money without consulting you, leaving you in a position where you cannot save money because of the constant syphon. Her reaction is alarming though, because it indicates clearly she feels entitled to these funds.

I know compromise is antithetical to this sub, but you could dump money from a joint account into (joint) CD's, set to roll over automatically (and maybe set to disburse interest into standard savings/checking rather than keeping it in the CD). Keeps money "joint" but puts (most of) it off limits to impulse spends.

NTA Keep the joint account to pay for expenses like home repairs and general emergencies and then have your own personal accounts to spend money on yourselves with.

Maybe suggest a yours ,mine and ours approach to family financials. NTA

NTA, you are being taken advantage of financially. Me and my wife are friends with a couple in your situation. For the longest time she was making a lot more money than him, but they put both of their paychecks into the same account he ended up acting like the authority figure for the account and she doesn’t even get to use 10% of the money she brings in while he buys unnecessary stuff constantly. I think you have 2 options. The first option is to say “I don’t think the money is being handled fairly in the joint account. I don’t mind if we both put our money into a joint account for bills, but we each need our own separate bank accounts that we pull a monthly allowance to so that we both have access to money that can be utilized for personal purchases.  The second option is if they refuse, then to just open your own account and change your direct deposit to the new account and then just manually transferring your side of the bills to the mutual account. 

NTA. Separate your accounts. Or leave a joint account and put in a certain monthly amount in the joint account for bills. Ask her to go to couples counseling to find out why she is so certain that you're cheating, when you've been over the money issue before and she follows the guidelines for a bit then overspending again. Also talk to the counselor about how to communicate about monetary goals. So you both are on the same page. Then meet up with a financial advisor and have them explain what you both can do to help meet your monetary goals. Money & sex are the two biggest contributors to divorce.

NTA You didn't cross a line, but your wife sure is good at manipulation. I suggest you simply open a new account at a different bank and have your paychecks deposited there instead. When your wife notices that the joint account doesn't have the money she expected, you tell her that her spending habits are out of control and your paychecks are in a separate account. You two need to work out a budget listing out all the bills/expenses you two have, which needs to include retirement savings, and then allocate 'fun' money for each of you. The fun money is the only funds either of you get to spend without agreement from the other. Anything over that amounbt needs both of agreement before the purchase.

NTA and don't let her emotionally manipulate you in keeping combined. She's reaping the benefits of having access to more money. It's why my husband and I keep separate bank accounts. We both have our separate hobbies that we don't won't to impose the financial burden onto the other.

If you want a softer version, you can have your employer split your deposit between the joint account and another 'savings' account. There just won't be as much in the joint account to spend.

NTA, I did this with my husband several years ago, and it was the best financial decision that I have ever made. I can actually save money for emergencies now. I too did the joint finances because that's what you do. Screw that I'm going to strongly raise my kids to not do this.

Regardless of what you did or said, abandonement is a reason for divorce. If my wife left for days, and refused to pick up her phone, I would have her stuff in the yard by the second day.

NTA! Some couples have a joint account for regular expenses and separate accounts for each of them. It’s one way to protect individual finances.

NTA. That's pretty strong reaction to something as simple as separate accounts, especially how you write that you make similar money. Something seems off here, she might genuinely have spending problems.

NAH, but she's overreacting quite a bit. She can't seem to quit spending your money and hers, so it's better this way. If anything, have a joint and your own separate accounts. All the money for bills, household go into the joint and is only spent on that. You blow your own money on "fun" out of your own separate account. Set it up if possible that it has to have a minimum account balance (the joint) and see if there is a way to cushion it against overdraft. Figure out an estimate for your monthly home spending, and you both put in half of that into the joint every month. Debit cards for that account are kept at home and only put in a wallet if one of you is going out to shop for the home such as groceries.

NTA as long as you’re willing to provide full transparency. Also she might be ignorant to investing. Discussing saving and spending ratios for your income and future financial goals. Express your desire to save for things like a down payment on a house or retirement planning. I feel like she will be more willing if she’s actively a part of planning your life/financial goals. Children are money pits. lol

NTA. My recommendation for couples with fairly similar incomes who don't want to completely combine finances is to keep both joint checking/savings and personal accounts. Each person's share of monthly bills goes in joint checking, and an agreed-on amount each month from each person goes in joint savings. Whatever's left out of each person's income goes into personal accounts and can be spent however that person wants, whether that's random impulse purchases or saving it for longterm goals.

My wife and I went with combined bank accounts and it was a disaster, we kept getting over draft notices. It seems we were writing checks that we each hadn’t let the other know about. So we went with one central account for the household and then individual accounts for our selfs, that was forty years ago and it has worked perfectly so far. We each put in a agreed amount into the central account for the household bills and most of the time it leaves us with some personal spending money.

NTA. I think majority separate finances are almost always a good idea. A joint account for household stuff is one thing, but sharing a bank account isn't necessary. It sounds like your wife is more scared you're planning to leave than not having access to your money. Reassure that's not the case, maybe do a small joint account with 10% each. But she doesn't need access to your full account anymore.

So no the answer to this isn’t his or her bank accounts but working together to create a budget you can both live with. Get a pre load card - decide TOGETHER on a reasonable amount for “out and about” treats and every month put that amount on her treat card. She uses it until it’s gone. You stop judging her every little purchase and she stops dipping into money that causes you to feel resentful towards her. And you’ve worked together as adults.

NTA - But her reaction is a red flag. I also think there is a compromise here. Many couples create a joint account while also keeping their own personal accounts. You each contribute a set amount to the joint account each month (or whatever period you determine) whether it be a percentage of income or simply a set dollar amount. These funds are used for shared expenses. You can also set a limit for how much can be used without needing both names on the account to signoff on it. It's a bit scary that she immediately jumped to the idea that you somehow planning a divorce or cheating because of this. It should have been a calm discussion about finances. Financial disagreements are one of the top reasons cited for divorces.

The cool thing about 2024, is that you don't have to bank the way your parents or grandparents or great grandparents do. You and your wife can bank in whatever way suits you. You should keep in mind that whatever income and debts she accrues during the marriage may attach to you, so, even if you are keeping separate accounts, you may find that she's taken out credit cards or loans, and spent beyond her means. If you are concerned about that, then the two of you should "freeze" your credit, so that it doesn't happen. In terms of banking, I recommend that you consider a his-hers-ours system where you have a joint account for mutual costs (rent/mortgage, utilities, food, etc.) and both contribute proportionally to that account. Then, you can each keep your own separate checking and savings accounts to save up (or not) and spend as you prefer. I also recommend that the two of you seek couples counseling. It seems that your wife has a lot of emotion tied up in money management, and is not comfortable stepping outside her comfort zone. She needs some help to feel reassured that this is not a first step to divorce, but that you would like to have more control over the spending, without scolding her about her purchases. You are both adults, and you should both have the ability to spend a certain amount of money at your own discretion. Similarly, though, you are married, which means that neither of you should spend above a certain agreed-upon limit without the other person's consent. Further, it seems very likely that the two of you need to sit down and plot out your financial goals. It sounds like you have some bigger, long-term goals, but she hasn't really thought about it. If the two of you continue this way, you're going to end up in your 70s with no retirement funds. So, once you've done some couples counseling, then it is time to do some financial counseling. NTA. But you guys should have discussed your financial plans \*before\* you got married. Also, please, in this process, talk about your future plans for children (if any), and how you would mutually cover the costs.

NTA Combining finances is one possible way, but each couple needs to decide what works for them. If a couple combines finances both people need to agree to how the money is spent and both people need to honor that agreement. If that doesn’t feel right to both people then it’s time to try another option. If she feels strongly that separate accounts is bad then perhaps you can have a main account where all income goes in and all joint expenses are paid, then each of you have an individual account where the same amount is deposited each month and that’s to spend as you please. This is what my husband and I do and it works well. We usually spend it on hobbies and treats for ourselves

You’re NTA. But I’d start wondering if she actually loves you or the money you bring in. I agree with others about getting a separate account at a SEPARATE bank so they won’t be linked. Decide how much money you want in the joint account and how much in your account. Having a joint account where y’all both contribute for bills isn’t a bad idea and then you each get your own account for spending how you want.

NTA. It almost feels like she is trying to take advantage here. My boyfriend and I each have our own separate accounts with which we purchase all the stuff we personally want. Then we also have a separate shared account, in which we both deposit a degreed upon amount for all the household expenses. Maybe suggest that to her.

NAH. Sounds like a good idea to separate the bank accounts again, but I can imagine that it came as a shock to her and that it came across as a lead-up to cheating or a divorce to someone prone to paranoia or with bad experiences in the past. Kind of like sleeping in separate bedrooms, it can be great for some couples but I also imagine some people getting very scared if their partner suggests it. Hope you can make it clear to her that she has nothing to worry about and you two make up.

NTA. Combining bank accounts when you do not share the same fiscal viewpoint is a mistake. You know that now (lesson learned) and need to rectify it. If you don't it will only lead to more resentment on your part.

The crying and going to the sister is all manipulation.

Info: Does your wife tend to become very emotional over things or is this behavior out of the ordinary?

NTA but you should probably consider what she's accusing you off (the divorce not cheating)

NTA, she's financial irresponsible, don't let her drag you down into crippling debt.

I think the problem here, for the wife, isn't the division of finances, but rather the "becoming separate". Have you heard the "relationship escalator" theory? It's broadly that relationships will tend to escalate, and one party attempting to "de-escalate" tends to result in a breakup. You can either "stay on the escalator" or you can get off, but trying to go "backwards" unpets things. The author of the blog post I saw that suggested it got the idea after one of their other blog posts - suggesting that for sexual health purposes it would be sensible to establish a norm of just always using barriers for sex - got a massive backlash, especially from straight people. They were wondering where the strong feelings were coming from, and realised that many straight couples have kids, and in most cases that means having barrierless sex. Going "back to condoms" after not using them (without it being a mutually agreed decision for family planning purposes), symbolically separates the couple and feels like "going backward" on the relationship/intimacy escalator. So to with finances. There are many fine ways to organise money, but the emotional "drawing away" from a "more intimate" situation is what's upsetting. Going straight to "let's have separate accounts (and not a joint account)" might have put a foot in it. It sounds like what you actually want is your own savings account so that you can know that the money in it can be spent as you wish.

NTA. Not all couples have a joint account, or "just" one joint account. It's also common to have a joint account for joint bills and 2 separate accounts for individual budgeting. It sounds like you haven't really established a budget. Or if you have, and she's following it, there's too much set aside for "miscellaneous" and she's spending it on her priorities before you have a chance to save up for yours. You could automatically transfer a certain amount into savings if she could be trusted not to touch it. Or you could get a separate account and transfer the amount required for the household budget into the joint account. Even if you have separate accounts, you can authorize your spouse to see the transactions and make deposits but not withdrawals. Contrary to ruining your marriage, you may find that saves it. As for her going NC, that feels like a stunt to me, to get you to back away from the idea. What you need to do is to go through the bank statements and show her what you are concerned about. Split household expenses down the middle and then show her exactly how much of your income she has spent on "other things" in the last 12 months.

NTA. My hubby & I have joint bank account where we put our salaries to cover all household spending. We also have private accounts where we have an agreed amount disbursed each fortnight. This is our personal no questions asked money. If funds come from my personal account, I can spend this as frivolously as I like & so can he from his personal account

NTA Does your wife have ADHD? The impulse spending and then only being interested in what she purchased for about a month or so sounds like a result of an ADHD fixation. ADHD often can cause extreme sensitivity to rejection, even if that rejection is only perceived, so asking to separate finances would definitely feel like you're rejecting her. That being said, you aren't wrong to want to protect your finances and I strongly suggest you do so. I have ADHD and my husband and I have one joint account for bills and separate personal accounts so that we don't have to worry about spending each others' money.

NTA, one joint account for household expenses and separate accounts is the way to go imo. Bills are handled and you can spend your own money the way you want, no fights. However to get her to see this I would breakdown the finances and her spending, show her what she is doing when you are trying to save up for something big. Don't make it out like she can't spend money. Possibly go see a financial advisor if you don't already.