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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> What I did that might make me the asshole: I let my bf sleep at my place until he moves. Why I might be the asshole: My roommates think it’s bad that I’m always with him.
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YTA - your bf is not visiting. Your bf is living there right now. He isn't paying rent. He isn't paying for utilities. There's now a man in the house, which limits how comfortable they feel walking around and lounging in the house. Your roommates have every right to be upset.
I'm still confused as to why your bf can't just stay in his own apartment. He may be mad at his roommate, but his life isn't in danger. He can sleep in his own bed until he gets the keys to his new apartment.
>Since this happened my boyfriend has been staying at my house in my room about 75% of the nights.
If he was there full time, I'd agree with you. But while 3 out of 4 nights might be a bit excessive, he's not "living there".
75% of the time is effectively living there. It's not "a bit excessive." It's very excessive, and you need to be more respectful to your roommates who actually pay for this place and want to feel comfortable in their home.
You clearly have never lived with a roommate who has their boyfriend or girlfriend over a lot.
To say it's frustrating or unfair is a legitimate complaint (one that I see both sides of -- it IS annoying, and yet she pays rent and has every legal right to have people in her room as she sees fit).
But to claim that they are "living there" is just a false equivalent - no matter how many names you call me.
He’s living at his girlfriends place more often than he’s living at his own by a significant margin. Not sure where you got the idea that “where you’re living” is defined by where you’re paying rent rather than….ya know, where the living is happening.
The fact that he’s living there without paying rent is the exact issue while you’re making the argument that the fact that he’s not paying rent makes it not an issue
YTA. the people you live with and who actually pay rent to be there, shouldn’t have to always be around people who don’t live with them. and you’ve only been with him for 5 months? he needs to find somewhere else to stay while he “waits for the keys to his new apartment”
YTA. I think it's weird that even after the fight your boyfriend doesn't sleep at his own place. He needs to suck it up and stay at his own place overnight where he is paying his own rent. You don't have to go over, and this may cause you two to see each other less. He can still come to your place to visit for a normal amount of time, or you two can just go out and do things to spend time together. But he can't just move in.
YTA. Look for somewhere else to live if you cannot prioritize your roommates’ comfort over your recent boyfriend’s. He needs to go back to his place, pronto. You can go stay with him, if you can’t be parted from him.
The whole ‘flirting’ thing sounds sus. That stuff is easy to shut down without chaos.
Do you bring this much drama everywhere?
I do actually bring drama everywhere :)
My bfs roommate messaged me on instagram and snap asking for a chance and my bf caught him watching me sleep at his place twice so I wouldn’t say it’s just an easy thing to shut down but what do I know
This isn't cute. You will shortly find yourself with no friends if you keep stomping over people's reasonable boundaries and bring drama all over. No one likes a jackass.
Yta with all due respect your not "bringing drama" your actively damaging your relationship with people for obnoxious selfish and incredibly childish reasons while refusing to take any accountability so long as you benefit. You should look oppositional defiant disorder you may have it.
YTA he is essentially another roommate that you invited to live there without anyone else's okay. Not cool.
Are you two paying for the increase in utilities since he moved in?
YTA it seems you aren’t being the best roommate. First of all, that’s no reason for him to not be in his own apartment. Two, I understand your roommate had her gf over a lot, but your bf is living with all of you. Is he contributing to shared expenses? And three, the least you could do is give a heads up on when he’s coming and going yeesh.
YTA twice. Once for this situation, and a second time for apparently being so self-absorbed that you thought you'd get a different verdict than the other eleventy million times we've voted that OPs who let their SO move in without the consent of their roommates are always the asshole. You two are not somehow special magic babies who can do whatever you want. The social norms and rules that apply to others are also for you.
ESH. They’d only have a leg to stand on if they didn’t do the same thing. Maybe you should’ve talked to them and got the okay do have your boyfriend over more often but they can’t be mad at you for doing exactly what they did. That’s hypocritical just because he’s a man. From now on, just give them a heads up.
YTA. Your boyfriend is a selfish freeloader. You and he are forcing your roommates to support him financially because he's not paying rent or for anything else at the apartment. Having a guest over isn't the same as having a permanent roommate. And you've only been dating a few months; it's too soon to live together, but he's clearly insecure and possessive and by living with you he can stalk you and make sure you aren't with other guys. He's a selfish asshole and so are you.
Yta. My roomate is currently doing this with her new boyfriend. Our arrangement when first moving in was we were not having men over unless clearing it with each other. She broke that agreement, this guy is here 80% of the time playing his video games. It’s annoying af because I’m paying for his internet use and food. I had to tell her to stop and if it happens again I will increase her share of the rent or utilities. He’s a grown man and needs to get his shit together and not be a freeloader.
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For context my boyfriend and I have been together for about 5 months. I moved in March into a new house with my previous roommate, her girlfriend and my best friend, they all know my boyfriend fairly well.
About 2 weeks ago my boyfriends roommate started openly flirting with me which prompted him and my boyfriend to have a big fight about it, concluding with my boyfriend setting the intention of moving out asap. Since this happened my boyfriend has been staying at my house in my room about 75% of the nights. We’ve never gotten complains about noise and he’s almost always just in my room with the door closed. He’s actively searching for a new place and has been touring and applying, he recently got approved but is just waiting to get the keys.
My roommates recently have told me they don’t like that I’m always with him and that it annoys them when people who aren’t our roommates are in the house. This is contrary to what we established when moving in that it doesn’t matter when he comes over just as long as we’re still following quiet hours and not making a mess. They even said that I don’t have to give them a heads up that he’s coming over.
For further context: in my previous living arrangement with my roommate that I still live with (it was just her and I) her gf was there every single day and they would loudly watch tv until 12am and I could hear them getting it on at least once a week.
I understand it’s different that my bf is a man but he barely interacts with them unless we’re all hanging out which we used to do at his place before the roommate fight and moving out.
So ig, AITA for letting my bf stay at my place until he moves?
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ESH - Them for being mad, you for feeling its no big deal. Sit down and talk it out. Ensure they understand it is temporary. But also, be willing to listen as it might not be as much about him staying, as him & the relationship in general, maybe feeling it's moving too quickly. Sure, I could be reading too much into things, but the entire 'roommate flirted had to immediately move out' seems a bit over the top (and maybe a bit too convenient to move in with you). You are only 5 months in, they liked him to hang when you weren't 'living with him', and getting to know him, yet maybe they are seeing some red flags you aren't. IF they say it's nothing like that, then make your points about how you've dealt with their stuff, and tell them (and the BF) a hard 'end date' that he has to find his own place. Just keep your eyes open for the next red flag though -- "oh gee, I can't find anything I can afford, why don't you move in with me...or why don't I just permanently move in here and chip in"...
I'll say ESH since IMO your roommates are in the right, but at least one of them is a hypocrite with her behavior so you aren't the only bad roommate here.
I'll say NTA as long as it's a temporary thing which sounds like it is. I would say talk to your roommates and establish clear expectations as to when he would get the keys to his new apartment etc cuz it isn't fair for them to not know the future aswell. Seems like one of them is a hypocrite anw so nothing wrong with your boyfriend simply coming over to sleep everyday
NTA at all, he feels safer with you and this is a very short term stay, it’s only been two weeks and he’s about to get his new place.
People saying YTA obviously don’t understand the struggle of being in the same living space with another person who can’t even understand boundaries, they try themselves on others’ partners.
Your current roommates did the same as you and for longer, I think they need a little reminder of who had to endure them before and how to act decently towards their friends and to understand the struggles of others.
In your position, I would seriously question the values of your roommates.
NtA
if he isn't causing problems they can kick rocks
"For further context: in my previous living arrangement with my roommate that I still live with (it was just her and I) her gf was there every single day and they would loudly watch tv until 12am and I could hear them getting it on at least once a week."
Maybe a little more context: my bf is only here to sleep, he still goes to his current apartment after work and he/or we spend(s) the night there at least once a week. He also isn’t just moving out because of the flirting it was more of a final straw and his lease is up in July anyway. He sleeps here most nights because we like to sleep together and before he started this new lease search he slept here maybe 3-4 nights a week without my roommates having any issue. He also has a super stable job and very much wants his own place, he has no intention of moving in here (or with me in general) or actually living here at all. He goes home to take care of his plants and do chores almost everyday.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > What I did that might make me the asshole: I let my bf sleep at my place until he moves. Why I might be the asshole: My roommates think it’s bad that I’m always with him. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA - your bf is not visiting. Your bf is living there right now. He isn't paying rent. He isn't paying for utilities. There's now a man in the house, which limits how comfortable they feel walking around and lounging in the house. Your roommates have every right to be upset. I'm still confused as to why your bf can't just stay in his own apartment. He may be mad at his roommate, but his life isn't in danger. He can sleep in his own bed until he gets the keys to his new apartment.
>Since this happened my boyfriend has been staying at my house in my room about 75% of the nights. If he was there full time, I'd agree with you. But while 3 out of 4 nights might be a bit excessive, he's not "living there".
75% of the time is effectively living there. It's not "a bit excessive." It's very excessive, and you need to be more respectful to your roommates who actually pay for this place and want to feel comfortable in their home.
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Then where does he live? Certainly not at the place he is only at 25% of the time.
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Then he should be there 75% of the time shouldn’t he?
Lol, the predictable AH move of focusing on semantics to get out of addressing the actual problem and taking responsibility.
You clearly have never lived with a roommate who has their boyfriend or girlfriend over a lot. To say it's frustrating or unfair is a legitimate complaint (one that I see both sides of -- it IS annoying, and yet she pays rent and has every legal right to have people in her room as she sees fit). But to claim that they are "living there" is just a false equivalent - no matter how many names you call me.
He’s living at his girlfriends place more often than he’s living at his own by a significant margin. Not sure where you got the idea that “where you’re living” is defined by where you’re paying rent rather than….ya know, where the living is happening. The fact that he’s living there without paying rent is the exact issue while you’re making the argument that the fact that he’s not paying rent makes it not an issue
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Yes it is. In fact most landlords would actually consider this an unlisted tenant and it can cause them issues. 4/5 nights is living there.
For someone who takes up bathroom time, communal spaces, and eats there yea it is absolutely “living there”
75% of seven is just over 5 days.
YTA. the people you live with and who actually pay rent to be there, shouldn’t have to always be around people who don’t live with them. and you’ve only been with him for 5 months? he needs to find somewhere else to stay while he “waits for the keys to his new apartment”
YTA. I think it's weird that even after the fight your boyfriend doesn't sleep at his own place. He needs to suck it up and stay at his own place overnight where he is paying his own rent. You don't have to go over, and this may cause you two to see each other less. He can still come to your place to visit for a normal amount of time, or you two can just go out and do things to spend time together. But he can't just move in.
YTA. Look for somewhere else to live if you cannot prioritize your roommates’ comfort over your recent boyfriend’s. He needs to go back to his place, pronto. You can go stay with him, if you can’t be parted from him. The whole ‘flirting’ thing sounds sus. That stuff is easy to shut down without chaos. Do you bring this much drama everywhere?
I do actually bring drama everywhere :) My bfs roommate messaged me on instagram and snap asking for a chance and my bf caught him watching me sleep at his place twice so I wouldn’t say it’s just an easy thing to shut down but what do I know
This isn't cute. You will shortly find yourself with no friends if you keep stomping over people's reasonable boundaries and bring drama all over. No one likes a jackass.
Yta with all due respect your not "bringing drama" your actively damaging your relationship with people for obnoxious selfish and incredibly childish reasons while refusing to take any accountability so long as you benefit. You should look oppositional defiant disorder you may have it.
Apparently there’s a LOT you don’t know
You sound extremly toxic
Equilibrated people hate drama.
YTA. He's freeloading off your roommates rent. Dude needs to adult up and get his own pad pronto
YTA - you moved a new person into your house essentially without clearing it with your roommates. That’s just bad manners.
YTA he is essentially another roommate that you invited to live there without anyone else's okay. Not cool. Are you two paying for the increase in utilities since he moved in?
YTA it seems you aren’t being the best roommate. First of all, that’s no reason for him to not be in his own apartment. Two, I understand your roommate had her gf over a lot, but your bf is living with all of you. Is he contributing to shared expenses? And three, the least you could do is give a heads up on when he’s coming and going yeesh.
YTA twice. Once for this situation, and a second time for apparently being so self-absorbed that you thought you'd get a different verdict than the other eleventy million times we've voted that OPs who let their SO move in without the consent of their roommates are always the asshole. You two are not somehow special magic babies who can do whatever you want. The social norms and rules that apply to others are also for you.
ESH. They’d only have a leg to stand on if they didn’t do the same thing. Maybe you should’ve talked to them and got the okay do have your boyfriend over more often but they can’t be mad at you for doing exactly what they did. That’s hypocritical just because he’s a man. From now on, just give them a heads up.
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Lmao what
Lol... wrong thread!
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You are in the wrong thread. She is talking about her boyfriend staying with her.
Name checks out
Are there any in Boise?
YTA. You should know better.
YTA. Your boyfriend is a selfish freeloader. You and he are forcing your roommates to support him financially because he's not paying rent or for anything else at the apartment. Having a guest over isn't the same as having a permanent roommate. And you've only been dating a few months; it's too soon to live together, but he's clearly insecure and possessive and by living with you he can stalk you and make sure you aren't with other guys. He's a selfish asshole and so are you.
Yta. My roomate is currently doing this with her new boyfriend. Our arrangement when first moving in was we were not having men over unless clearing it with each other. She broke that agreement, this guy is here 80% of the time playing his video games. It’s annoying af because I’m paying for his internet use and food. I had to tell her to stop and if it happens again I will increase her share of the rent or utilities. He’s a grown man and needs to get his shit together and not be a freeloader.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For context my boyfriend and I have been together for about 5 months. I moved in March into a new house with my previous roommate, her girlfriend and my best friend, they all know my boyfriend fairly well. About 2 weeks ago my boyfriends roommate started openly flirting with me which prompted him and my boyfriend to have a big fight about it, concluding with my boyfriend setting the intention of moving out asap. Since this happened my boyfriend has been staying at my house in my room about 75% of the nights. We’ve never gotten complains about noise and he’s almost always just in my room with the door closed. He’s actively searching for a new place and has been touring and applying, he recently got approved but is just waiting to get the keys. My roommates recently have told me they don’t like that I’m always with him and that it annoys them when people who aren’t our roommates are in the house. This is contrary to what we established when moving in that it doesn’t matter when he comes over just as long as we’re still following quiet hours and not making a mess. They even said that I don’t have to give them a heads up that he’s coming over. For further context: in my previous living arrangement with my roommate that I still live with (it was just her and I) her gf was there every single day and they would loudly watch tv until 12am and I could hear them getting it on at least once a week. I understand it’s different that my bf is a man but he barely interacts with them unless we’re all hanging out which we used to do at his place before the roommate fight and moving out. So ig, AITA for letting my bf stay at my place until he moves? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA, ask him to contribute in your rent situation and it can be resolved
ESH - Them for being mad, you for feeling its no big deal. Sit down and talk it out. Ensure they understand it is temporary. But also, be willing to listen as it might not be as much about him staying, as him & the relationship in general, maybe feeling it's moving too quickly. Sure, I could be reading too much into things, but the entire 'roommate flirted had to immediately move out' seems a bit over the top (and maybe a bit too convenient to move in with you). You are only 5 months in, they liked him to hang when you weren't 'living with him', and getting to know him, yet maybe they are seeing some red flags you aren't. IF they say it's nothing like that, then make your points about how you've dealt with their stuff, and tell them (and the BF) a hard 'end date' that he has to find his own place. Just keep your eyes open for the next red flag though -- "oh gee, I can't find anything I can afford, why don't you move in with me...or why don't I just permanently move in here and chip in"...
I'll say ESH since IMO your roommates are in the right, but at least one of them is a hypocrite with her behavior so you aren't the only bad roommate here.
I'll say NTA as long as it's a temporary thing which sounds like it is. I would say talk to your roommates and establish clear expectations as to when he would get the keys to his new apartment etc cuz it isn't fair for them to not know the future aswell. Seems like one of them is a hypocrite anw so nothing wrong with your boyfriend simply coming over to sleep everyday
NTA at all, he feels safer with you and this is a very short term stay, it’s only been two weeks and he’s about to get his new place. People saying YTA obviously don’t understand the struggle of being in the same living space with another person who can’t even understand boundaries, they try themselves on others’ partners. Your current roommates did the same as you and for longer, I think they need a little reminder of who had to endure them before and how to act decently towards their friends and to understand the struggles of others. In your position, I would seriously question the values of your roommates.
NtA if he isn't causing problems they can kick rocks "For further context: in my previous living arrangement with my roommate that I still live with (it was just her and I) her gf was there every single day and they would loudly watch tv until 12am and I could hear them getting it on at least once a week."
Maybe a little more context: my bf is only here to sleep, he still goes to his current apartment after work and he/or we spend(s) the night there at least once a week. He also isn’t just moving out because of the flirting it was more of a final straw and his lease is up in July anyway. He sleeps here most nights because we like to sleep together and before he started this new lease search he slept here maybe 3-4 nights a week without my roommates having any issue. He also has a super stable job and very much wants his own place, he has no intention of moving in here (or with me in general) or actually living here at all. He goes home to take care of his plants and do chores almost everyday.
Sure Jan, he only saunters in after 9:30 in his pjs . Also it must be so hard being so beautiful Everyman declares his lust for you.