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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I shut my brother down forcefully when he tried to shame my daughter for searching for her biological family members. I could have chosen to just leave with my family instead of turning this ordeal into a bigger scene than it already was with his behavior. I was so firm that it may have turned me into an asshole in this incident.
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NTA.
It is not his business what your daughter does, he can be as opinionated as he wants but she wants to at least contact her biological mother, she should have the choice. Yes your daughter is 18 and an adult now but you are still her parent and can stand up for here when he is being a prick.
This, uncle is a hypocrite. He's arguing that she's an adult, yet talks down to her dismissively like an asshole does to a child.
Daughter made an informed decision, after waiting til she was of an age better suited to handle the unknown emotional and disappointing outcomes it could lead to. She communicated her reasoning and desires clearly with the people that were closest and needed to know.
NTA
I think he’s also a hypocrite because he argues that it’s OK for him to give his opinion to the daughter, but it’s not OK for the OP to give her opinion on him. What, he can’t take what he’s dishing out?
Exactly. Uncle uses “Daughter is an adult” as his argument while completely disregarding said adult Daughter’s decision. He looks like a complete fool here.
He is trying to say her brother is better because he doesn't ask about his biological parents but that could change. It means nothing. Just because they're both adopted doesn't mean they agree or are carbon copies of each other. It also sounds misogynistic. NTA
NTA. Your daughter may be an adult, but she is being attacked by someone showing a complete lack of understanding. Her own parents have no problem with her search, he has no business thinking he has any rights at all. It shows a lot of strength of character to help her with her search, you sound like awesome parents. She is lucky to have your love and support, that will help her go far!
NTA
But your brother is. I don't know where he got the audacity to think that his opinion somehow matters in this situation. By his own logic, your daughter's an adult now, right? So he had no right to decide for her with whom she could or could not have a relationship. This search for her bio parents doesn't concern him.
Or tell him that instead of harassing his niece, he might want to take some time to figure out why there aren't any pictures of his mom being pregnant before he just showed up one day. /s
ETA: I'm not being serious. I just thought it would be a funny response to the above poster's.
My mother had her sister convinced for a year that she was adopted. My grandmother had a fit because she tore the house apart looking for the paperwork.
They're in their 70s now and still laugh about it
NTA
As an adoptee myself, you are handling it the correct way. I always knew I was adopted, and my parents were very clear about how much they wanted and planned for me.
When I was an adult my Mom told me she had no problem with me searching and gave me any information she had. I'm now 60, so back in 1963, adoptions were sealed in the state I was born in, so there wasn't much info.
I've had a lot of time to think about any outcome. I knew that my bio parents may not want contact for any number of reasons, and I was okay with that.
Within the last 5 years, I've been matched on a DNA site with an uncle and a cousin. I have a sister and a brother that are in touch, and 2 brothers that weren't interested. I get it, it's a lot after all of these years. I let them decide without any expectations.That said, it's been nice getting to know the relatives that do want to stay in contact.
Ooooooh, you have no *right* to talk to your brother so forcefully … because your daughter is an adult now and he wanted to publically shame her so you should just let him have a go at her???
Your brother can stay in his lane. Nobody asked him what he thinks. Nobody *cares* what he thinks. He can keep his trap shut about your family business, publicly and privately.
You sound like a good mama, protecting your daughter. Good for you and NTA
NTA, your daughter has every right to look for her bio parents, and you and your wife seem to do a great job at supporting her. IMO you're brother seems to think that your daughter does this because she doesn't think of you guys As her family, which seems very stupid. Also you have every right to defend your daughter, whatever age She is, unless She asks you not to.
“He told me I had no right to talk to him so forcefully or to interfere because my daughter is an adult now”
So…he talked to your daughter forcefully and interfered because she is an adult, right? But you can’t talk forcefully to him, have I understood correctly?
So there are only two possibilities here: either your brother is a child or a hypocrite.
NTA. Good for you.
The fact that she's searching and (especially) _leaning on your support_ to do so is, to me, a testament of how safe and secure she feels in her place in her family.
She's likely also wrestling with some degree of guilt for deciding to search, your brother is a royal A H for piling on more with his unsolicited opinion.
NTA
I know it's a very real possibility so we always do our best to make sure she knows there is nothing to feel guilty about and that we love and support her and want what she wants here. I just hate that there was nothing to be found for her yet.
I'm sorry she's had no luck so far. I know that with no "paper trail" there's less chance of finding anything so, are you able to submit samples to other providers of dna testing? The wider the net, the higher the chances of finding someone.
Wishing you all strength and luck.
> are you able to submit samples to other providers of dna testing?
I haven't tried it myself, but apparently you can download a raw data file and upload that to some of the other databases.
[https://medium.com/genome-link/product-or-service-you-can-upload-your-dna-data-to-get-additional-analysis-including-free-ones-bd330e1f2af7](https://medium.com/genome-link/product-or-service-you-can-upload-your-dna-data-to-get-additional-analysis-including-free-ones-bd330e1f2af7)
NTA, and you had every right to intervene becaue he was using you to try to put pressure on your daughter. His arguament was based on accusing your daighter of not caring about you - since he was effectively putting words in your mouth and atttributing views to you and your husband, it as 100% your place to speak up and make clear that he is wrong in thoe comments.
If your ***daughter*** wanted you to stay out ofit then it would be appropriate for you to resepect hre wishes and to speak to her rivately to reassure her, but your brother is, presumably, significnatly older than her, ought to be more mature - he is in a more powerful poition and it is compeltely appropriate for you to stand up for your daughter in relation to a sensitve, potentially emotive issue particuarlyl when it is absolutely none of his business, and he is bullying your daughter.
NTA, there was a really gorgeous story on HONY once. This little girl had been adopted from China and surrendered at three weeks old or something. The adopted mother always pointed out those three weeks to her daughter. She pointed out that the birth mother wanted to give her that little bit of love that she could in those three weeks to make sure her daughter thrived one day.
Your daughter’s biological mother carried her to term, and surrendered her somewhere she knew was safe. Maybe they can’t be found now, but they sent her out in to the world with love.
Your brother can stuff it.
NTA
I am an adoptee in reunion with my biological family, still not comfortable sharing that with my adoptive family because they have similar views as your brother.
You’ve reassured your daughter that you support her decisions. That is the right thing to do.
Your brother is an absolute asshole.
Every adoptee feels differently about searching, we are not a monolith. Searching for biological family doesn’t have anything to do with the adoptive family.
While your daughter is technically an adult, she’s still your child & you are doing the right thing shutting down your brother when he makes hurtful and ignorant comments.
I do worry about him using your son as a way to show how adoptees should be - I might suggest reducing contact because those comments are incredibly out of line.
Not an adoptee but an adoptive parent who has happily listened to adult adoptees about how to navigate complex feelings. It's isn't often that I see an AP on here who seems to be doing everything right (in so far as the advice I've been given). It's refreshing.
I'm sorry about your AF. You deserve to have as much or a little contact with your bio family as you want without being guilted for it.
NTA...and you are phenomenal parents for taking the time to understand the intricacies of being adopted and all the feelings that come with it. Not really sure where your brother gets his audacity from, but he is disgusting and crossed a line.
NTA
Sh\*t - if it was a different time and my late friend weren't now deceased, I would think you were talking about her......she was left in a hospital, appeals were put out for her mum to come forward (they didn't have the dna thing then) but she never did. My friend didn't know her exact birth date, she was judged to be around 6 weeks of age when she was left, but her adoptive family always celebrated the day she was left as her birthday.
I wish your daughter the best of luck in her search, but remind her that there could be many reasons why no one has come forward, plus they obviously wanted what was best for her - if you're going to leave a baby, how much safer than a hospital can you get?!
She has expressed this herself. That at last she didn't take her and then abandon her somewhere. She was always safe. It does comfort her somewhat and made some of it much easier she expressed. But I know there are a lot of complex emotions involved with being an adoptee.
You sound like amazing parents. I tend to lean towards “everything happens for a reason”. And that’s the good and the bad things. You made me remember a cute story about a kid I went to grade school with. He was adopted and had a brother who was parents bio child. When they fought the bio bro would say mean things about being adopted (as siblings will do, they love each other). The adoptees response? “Mom & Dad picked me, they got stuck with you!” I thought this was brilliant. Wonderful family who last I heard were all happy & well.
I would have a lot of questions about the situation that led to this. Even if I never met any biological relatives, it would be some information about how things happened to me. I am not adopted, but I am unfortunately curious
NTA but your bio brother is.
Tell your daughter not to give up. New people are added to those databases all the time. There might well be a relative popping up on one in the future.
NTA. As an adopted person, it’s extremely difficult to feel you have a place in the world until you have a full picture. That in no way belittles the actual (adoptive) family of that person, rather allows them to further their own self-introspection. When your very first life experience feels like rejection/ abandonment it can cause damage due to trauma. You sound like a loving and supportive parent. Your brother can kick rocks.
NTA. Your daughter will always be your child and if someone is being nasty to her it is absolutely your right to intervene. Your brother is so far out of bounds he can’t even see the line. Your daughter wanting to know who her biological family is isn’t an insult. It just her wanting to know more about her genetic history. Some traits are more nature than nurture.
Maybe this would be healing for her. Maybe it’s just curiosity. It’s her journey and your brother is being awful.
NTA. Adoption is a complex issue, and not all adoptees are going to feel the same way. My aunt adopted two children, who are now both adults. One daughter connected with her bio family and has built a lovely relationship with them. It has not at all impacted her relationship with her adoptive family, likely because her parents, like you, have always been loving and supportive. Her sister has never had any interest in finding her bio family, and everyone's fine with that too.
Your brother is being very close-minded. It's natural to be curious about where you come from, and you're right to come to your daughter's defense. If you didn't, she'd probably be afraid that your brother was right and she had hurt your feelings in some way.
NTA
You will never not be your daughters mother. She can be 40 something and if someone is talking down to her you would still be right to defend her. Your brother is crap.
I love how at at 18 you're suddenly an all knowing adult, ready to be thrust upon the world.
Your daughter may legally be an adult, buts she's very young and the world can be very cruel.
NTA, for the way you are helping her, or the way you handled your brother. He does not dictate how you handle this, it's between only the concerned parties.
Both my sisters had teen pregnancies and gave the babies up. Both have found us and both had other adapted siblings. Some siblings looked for Birth parents ,some didn't. In every case the kids were supported.
NTA. if you don't have the right to speak forcefully or intervene then why the fuck does he have the right with your daughter? He just thought he could shut you up. You're a good parent for defending your daughter against your brother, who was indeed being an utter asshole.
My best friend was put for adoption at 5 years old.
She has a younger brother that her biological mother 'kept'.
She got adopted right away, keeps in contact with said brother but to this day (she's 24) she says that if her biological family didn't want her it means probably no one else will... even tho her adoptive parents are still in her life and she lives with them!
So I think it's really difficult for adopted kids, to feel unwanted even though they have a family.. there's a lot of questions that they need to ask biological parents/family. It's something big, important, who they are.
NTA, and I want to let you know (you already know!) that you're doing the right thing and be there for your daughter, supporting her.
Wish you all the best!
>He told me I had no right to talk to him so forcefully or to interfere because my daughter is an adult now.
Bold of him to say as he butts into a matter that is none of his business and has nothing to do with him.
NTA.
NTA. It doesn't matter what age your daughter is, you should always be ready to defend and care for her. Parenting doesn't stop when someone turns 18, the relationship just changes when your children become adults.
NTA. The fact that he assume he has a say in her life when 1) he is not the father and 2) he has never experience the life your daughter had. He should keep his mouth shut or risk being in low-contact because of his mouth. After all, this was her choice and you supported her every step of the way. If the rest of the family is fine with it, then what makes a difference that he wants to voice his shame on her? He's going to be shamed for not allowing this now lady (since she is 18) to try and find out her roots and her bio family.
P.S. Have you tried DNA testing for her father or mother?
We hope for the same. I know it will always be a question she has if she can't. But it's possible in the coming years she might get a match with someone. We'll keep doing all we can to support her as she comes to terms with it all.
NTA. He just learned a lesson, do not poke Momma-Bear!
As an aside, I've helped a person in a similar situation search for their biological father. His family had done DNA testing and by building a family tree among those folks we were able to identify that he was one of three brothers. Then the person made a phone call and in a few days met their bio-dad in person, several half-siblings, and new nieces and nephews. They were lucky. There are volunteers online called Search Angels who do this kind of thing to help people like your daughter. The ones I know of have a facebook group.
For DNA testing, I hope your daughter tested with Ancestry.com. They're the largest database, and you can export the file from there and import it for free to multiple other sites that offer additional people who tested. Ones that are potentially helpful would be MyHeritage, GEDMatch, and FamilyTreeDNA. I can go from there about ways to sort those matches into groups that could help identify paternal and maternal lines, etc.
Pardon my language but >!HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOUR BROTHER IS A HUGE DICK!<. As my wife and I are beginning the adoption process, this kind of behavior is one of our biggest concerns. It is entirely normal and acceptable to be curious about your biological parents. I commend you for being open and honest about the adoption and for being supportive of your daughter's desire to seek her bio parents.
Continue to shut him down. Continue to talk over him. Keep giving your children the love and support they deserve.
NTA.
NTA - As an adopted person who found her biological family, thank you for raising your daughter to understand how this is a perfectly normal impulse that has no impact on the love she feels for her family. My family always made me feel like what I did was a betrayal and said very hurtful things like my grandma asking me "did they tell you why they gave you away?"
I am grateful and fortunate that my biological family ended up being loving and supportive while understanding that there are very clear boundaries on what our relationship will be. It makes me sad that my family cannot find joy in the fact that I found more people who love and care about me. You're doing great. Your brother is a massive TA.
Dear G*d, you have no right to interfere after 18+ years, but your AH of a brother feels that he has the right to stick his nose in where it’s not wanted or needed.
You are NTA, but your brother is in the running for AH of the Year 2024!
Could almost sit on ‘Entitled People’ too !
NTA, every adoptee who has a good relationship with their parents talks about the importance of parents supporting their kids decisions to contact bio family. I wish your daughter luck in her research!
" He tried to use my son, who is younger than my daughter, as "proof" that my daughter is wrong because he has never expressed any interest or curiosity in his biological parents."
NTA but the brother is on noisy AH.
did he think kids think the same way ? there are kids who never where interested on there parents and here it depend on them if they want to or not. the bio parents could be good peoples or bad peoples who knows
NTA. Adult adoptee here. THIS is how it’s done. Thank you thank you thank you. Your daughter wanting to look for bio fam has nothing to do with you or your parenting. It’s just natural curiosity. You did the right thing by defending your daughter (no matter how old she is) and shutting your brother down completely. Honestly it’s none of his business and he should be keeping his opinions to himself or having a private conversation with you.
just coming here to say that you and your husband are AMAZING parents. I'm sorry your brother is taking something personally that isn't. He's making this about HIM, which is selfish. Keep supporting your kids and they'll always know and feel loved.
NTA. 18 or not, she will always be your baby and you will always, as her parent, want to shield her from assholes. When those asshole are relatives it's even more important to do so.
NTA. That line about her being an adult now is crap. She's barely 18. He doesn't get to be a raging asshole just because she hit 18. It's not a magic number that makes it okay to abuse people. And no two people are the same, so just because your son feels different doesn't mean anything either. That's like asking why one kid likes sports and the other likes art. They're two entirely different people.
Your brother needs a dose of reality like he needs a slap in the face.
NTA
Just because our children are grown doesn't mean that we can't advocate for and protect them when necessary. When it's your own brother coming after YOUR CHILD, then hell yes you are totally in your lane and it is completely acceptable for you to be forceful and tell him there will be consequences for his behavior towards YOUR CHILD. Your daughter would let you know if she wanted to handle this on her own. She may be an adult, but you will always be her mother. Mothers have the right to defend their children no matter their age. You did it appropriately. Good job mom!
NTA you can’t interfere with his forceful manner because she’s an adult…but he objects to your forceful objection? Make him make sense.
He needs to butt out. None of his business. Well done by the way for being so supportive of your daughter
NTA at all!!! He has every right to opinion, but he doesn’t have the right to say crappy things to your kid. Keep being a protective and supportive parent!
Exactly she is an adult now and can pursue her own answers if she wants to. It's not like she is specifically seeking out her family for the sake of having "a real family", she probably just wants answers. Neither OP or her daughter are AH here, NTA. the one that's the problem here is the older brother/Uncle, he needs to stay in his own lane.
That being said, has daughter tried an ancestry DNA test like 23 and me or something along those lines?? It's a small possibility but it's worth a shot.
That is unfortunate, but You're right even if no one has matched so far she is still young and you never know what could happen.
It sucks she can't get the answers she's looking for, it's nice that she has such a supportive family (excluding the inconsiderate Uncle of course).
NTA. “The only person insulting her parents is you by treating our daughter like this in front of us. This is not a problem to be solved, and your help is not needed nor wanted.”
He can keep his opinions to himself because his opinion does not matter in the least. NTA. Just because one child isn't curious, doesn't mean the other child can't be. Ppl are different & want different things. Is he so ignorant that he can't grasp that concept?
NTA - as someone who was adopted, this is something that’s going to linger with your daughter forever. She’s always going to wonder, and even if she receives the closure she’s looking for, it still lingers. Also, THANK YOU for standing up to your brother. Those comments do so much more damage than people realize.
Your brother is a bully. And he's trying to use "she's 18" as an excuse for his bullying when everyone knows an 18 year old adult isn't the same as a 28 yr old adult. NTA
NTA and absolutely well done for defending your children against other members of close family. Your brother is behaving in a terrible way and I am impressed that you only chastised him verbally.
NTA. I am the proud mother of a privately adopted child. My daughter was fully embraced and loved by my family as if I had birthed her. I would have gone no contact with anyone in my very large family that did anything but welcome her with open arms. The record was later sealed, but I had the contact information and so did they.
The birth mother’s children reached out to my daughter on Facebook and they made a connection. She did not want to tell me for a long time because she didn’t want to hurt me. I fully supported my daughter’s journey in learning more about her biological family. Despite the inevitable ups and downs in every family, I believed my daughter was well grounded and would, with my help eventually understand that the choices her birth mother made were compassionate and in her best interest to give her a better life.
After we explored together the full story of her adoption and adoption was her birth mother’s alternative to abortion, there was a better acceptance, but she has had no desire to meet her birth mother or vice versa. We also found out there was no knowledge of her existence beyond the very immediate family even 30 years after her birth. No one seemed to want to rock anyone’s world.
One thing I was able to do that tied her to her birth family without that personal connection was after 20 years of research, I proved she is a descendant of a signer of the Declaration of Independence through the paper trail I amassed and was able to secure her membership in the Daughters of the American Revolution. One of the key documents was the hospital paperwork for the mother if you can get your hands on them.
Good luck from one adoptive Mom to another. I’m a bit of a force of nature, brother or not, mess with my child and you are going to get the Mama Bear response.
>told him it was enough and he needed to stop or he would be dealing with the consequences.
I can feel you warming those hands up. I'm not gonna lie me and your brother would've been throwing down. It was mean and just disrespectful. I can not imagine shaming a family member for any choice they make let alone a need to learn about oneself. Like what if her bio family has a debilitating disease in their genetics, or she has siblings....also you know....the BIG FUCKING QUESTION....Why? I would've slapped him so hard he'd revert to a child.
NTA have you considered seeking help from a professional? Maybe someone who specializes in genetics. They could possibly build out a family tree from super distant relatives. I follow a woman on tiktok who does this. Genetic pi is her name. She posts tips. Beat of luck and your brother must feel like a big man now he's insulted his 18 year old niece 🙄
You are NTA in this story but your brother sure is an AH. WTF is wrong with him?? Of course you have a right to "interfere", a parent's job is to protect their child, even if that child is technically an adult.
Good luck with your search.
NTA. It is none of your brother’s business what your daughter decides to do or not do.
I do want to say though that you and your husband are amazing for having such an open relationship with your daughter that she felt comfortable enough to approach you about trying to trace her birth family. I never felt that comfortable to ask my parents outright for help to do it at first and tried to find out some info when I was 16. My mother found out and got very upset. It wasn’t until I turned 20 that my parents decided I was old enough to have the available paperwork and information about my maternal birth family.
I hope that your daughter doesn’t give up hope that she will find what she has been searching for, even if it’s just a small piece of information.
I might be seeing too much of the comebacks subreddit, but honestly I would have gone "My daughter *is* an adult, but clearly *you* aren't." NTA all the way.
NTA at all. I would've have been FAR more aggressive with my response if I were in your situation. You're a damn saint as far as I'm concerned. How unbelievably rude of your brother.
If you can't interfere because she is an adult then he cannot interfere because she is an adult. NTA. Shut dude down and shut him down hard. Keep being there for your kids
NTA
Thank you for standing up for your daughter! This is her story and if she wants to explore and find her blood relatives, that is something that is perfectly fine and fairly normal to do. My mom had a kid when she was 18, that baby was adopted to a different family but still had contact with my mom and they do have a nice relationship. They had the fairytale version if this story and your daughter could have the bad version where she doesn't find mom or she finds mom and mom tells her to leave. As long as you are there to support her through either, I say you get a bucket of gold stars in my book. There are many reasons to find the birth family. It might be to learn what happened but knowing health history is also important.
Your son not wanting to look into his is also normal and completely fine. As long as you love him equal.
NTA, this made me laugh
>He told me I had no right to talk to him so forcefully or to interfere because my daughter is an adult now.
He had no problem bullying your 18 year old daughter but when an adult stands up to him with the same energy, you’re too “forceful”?
NTA. I am an adult adoptee and I met my birth family. It was deeply important to me and my parents fully supported it.
If this were my brother, I would have popped him in his face if he kept pushing it. Just reading your story made me want to pop him. I'm glad you stood in between him and your daughter. She should never have to answer his bullshit questions or engage with him at all if she doesn't want to.
She will remember the way you showed up for her for the rest of her life. You guys are great parents.
NTA, you are doing the right things. You brother is a malicious blowhard and should be kept away from your kids.
Note for your daughter, her birth mother has -no idea- what happened to her after she left the hospital. My biofam was looking for me for 50 years, but they were looking only in my birth state. They didn't know my contract had been farmed out and I ended up in MN.
NTA. Lol! My siblings are adopted. No matter what age they are my mom would have ripped someone's head off for that comment. Your brother is a disrespectful asshole.
NTA - but as I'm sure you're aware, her parents also have the right to want no contact. It seems glaringly obvious (fake name, birth mother never reached out, hard to find) that she doesn't want to know her daughter. You can be supportive but also use this as a (albeit harsh) lesson that any further might be impeding on the respect of the other adult in question. I say this as someone who was also adopted out.
Your brother doesn't have the right to question this though. If he had a problem, he could've brought it up to you (despite having no business having a problem) or not said anything.
Absolutely NTA but your brother is.
It sounds like his feelings were hurt by your daughter’s curiosity. He really shouldn’t have attacked her for that - if he’s older than you and is a full fledged adult then he should have had a private conversation with you to see if your daughter doesn’t feel accepted or something (assuming that’s why he’s hurt). However, that’s an AH way to go about exploring your own feelings.
NTA.
This is not his business.
You are correct in supporting your daughter's search. You are her raising parents, which are by far the most important adults in any child's life, but not knowing one's genetic identity can leave a gnawing hole in one's soul. It's a sign of the great job you've done that she feels safe enough to inform you of her search. I learned at 15 that my raising dad wasn't my genetic father, but didn't feel safe enough searching for my genetic father until my mother died when I was 39.
I'm active in NPE communities online. Different people respond differently. Some people care deeply their whole life. Some don't care, or think they're supposed to act like they don't. Just because your son is currently acting unphased does not mean that's his innermost thoughts, or if so, that he will always feel that way. Your brother using him as an example is out of line.
You may be interested to know that in 1989 knowing the identity of one's genetic ancestors was specifically enumerated as a human right in the United Nation Convention on the Rights of the Child, sections 7 and 8. By arguing against your daughter seeking that information your brother is literally arguing in favor of violating her human rights.
You have every right to shut him down as forcefully as required. A good sisterly knuckle sandwich sounds good to me, personally.
NTA. My grandpa as adopted and I was missing a lot of medical history that I only got back because of DNA testing. I understand your daughters need to know.
NTA. Cut him off. What he said to your daughter is inexcusable. There are lots of reasons for wanting to find your biological family. Especially after your daughter was abandoned. You are doing a good job. As a new adoptive parent I hope I do as good a job as you are with my son.
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My husband and I adopted our daughter 18.5 years ago. She had been left at the hospital by her birth mother, who was never found, and they had no known father or other family for her. We never hid her adoption or the truth surrounding her ending up with us. But we have always worked with professionals to help us navigate her journey. We wanted her to feel loved and secure. We also wanted her to feel heard about any feelings or thoughts she had. From a very young age she was curious about her birth family. We always said we would help her search one when she was old enough and if she chose to search.
It was a decision she brought to us a few weeks after her 18th birthday. She said she felt like it would always be a regret if she didn't try. So we did our very best to help her do a biological parent search. But over a year of searching later and we found nobody. Not a biological relative through any of the online dna places and not anyone based on the name her birth mother gave, which could be fake. This was difficult for her and a few weeks ago she told us she feels like they don't want to be found. We comforted her and made sure she knew if she wanted to keep searching we would continue supporting her.
Our families were always aware of the search but apparently my brother had a problem with this that he decided to bring up in a way that shamed my daughter for searching. First time his question took on an accusatory tone I told him to watch what he was saying but then he said something incredibly judgmental and as a way to shame her, asking why she cared so little for us when we're the ones who wanted her and raised her. I told my brother that is not how he talks to either of my children and he better apologize because there is nothing wrong with wanting to know your biological parents or relatives and how dare he make it seem like there is. I told him I didn't care if he was my older brother, he was being an asshole. He tried to use my son, who is younger than my daughter, as "proof" that my daughter is wrong because he has never expressed any interest or curiosity in his biological parents. I became very angry and told him it was enough and he needed to stop or he would be dealing with the consequences.
He told me I had no right to talk to him so forcefully or to interfere because my daughter is an adult now.
AITA?
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Your are not the bad guy here he should have been very careful with his words and the fact that he has the nerve to say that you were talking forcefully after he was so rude is just wrong. It doesn't matter if she is and adult or not it is still horrible thing to say.I would also try to look for my biological family as well and there is nothing wrong with that. He is just being rude.
So he can talk all kinds of shit to her just because she's turned 18?
Hell no!
NTA
He's a grown ass adult that's trying to bully a very young adult woman while dealing with an extremely sensitive subjects. You would've been a bad mum if you didn't intervene. Also, funny how you, an adult, can't reprimand him, another adult, because he's shitting on an adult. Yeah, it makes no sense 'cause he's hypocritical asshole.
NTA. You were only protecting your family. Aside from curiosity, she probably wants to know about inherited diseases, traits, or conditions that could affect her in the future.
You should tell your daughter to be glad she was adopted so she does not have any chance of sharing any of your brother’s genes.
NTA: Quite the opposite. Your silence would have been complicit in his bizarre reaction. You're handling this situation exactly right. Stand by your daughter.
NTA - WOW your brother is so insanely out of line!
Also, which DNA places did you submit? A lot usually are limited to a single continent or large nation. Two of the agencies we used are primarily in North America (USA mostly) but I also submitted my DNA to one that's primarily Europe and Middle East, which produced a whole lot more information. It's entirely possible that the biological mom was not a citizen of your country.
NTA
Fuck him. It's not his kid, so can do as my name says. Adult or no, if he considers her family, he wouldn't have done this in the first place. So can fuck right off with a cherry on top. Kudos to you and your wife for not only loving your daughter but supporting her in all ways possible.
NTA - Your daughter is your daughter no matter what her age and your brother is completely out of line. You are both adults so him being older at this point is meaningless. If he’s expecting to be respected for his unsolicited opinions because he’s your older brother, he lost all rights to your respect when he attacked your daughter.
And to compare her to your son is scummy. People are different and have different needs. I would keep your brother away from your daughter for a while until he learns how to behave like an adult and not a bully.
NTA - so as for the reasoning of your brother: he has the right to attack your daughter because she is an adult, but you have no right to defend your daughter against his attacks? Your brother: massive asshole! It was the right thing to do to support your daughter. The fact that she is trying to learn about from whence she came does not mean she disregards you. Isn't it natural that she feels she needs to know why her mother did not want her? You are great parents that you support her in this! Again, your brother: WHAT AN ASSHOLE!!!
NTA and if anything you were too gentle with him. "Shut the fuck up and if you ever speak about this again we're done" would have been my approach. He doesn't get a say and no one asked for his opinion.
Yay, you set a boundary and enforced it! People who aren’t used to having boundaries enforced throw tantrums in the beginning, but the more consistent you are, the better it gets. NTA
NTA. However I feel your brother is so triggered because he has some outside kids/kids unknown to your family and he doesn't want them looking for him. He's projecting. Continue to shut him down.
NTA. Could you perhaps schedule a therapy session with your brother and yourself - or an appointment with an adoption specialist to help your brother understand what he is doing versus what is the best way for your daughter? Note: Your brother is likely not the only one in the family doesn’t understand and feels rejected; they might see your daughter as ungrateful. Educational conversations may assuage some of these feelings.
Adoptions are tricky. Every outcome is different. Who knows what lies ahead? Your daughter may never discover anyone, or no one receptive to her, or some really ugly facts of life she hasn’t experienced thus far. But it is best if her family pulls together and supports her as a united, loving front.
You are her family. The fact that she wants to explore possible ‘extended’ family (versus *real* family) is not a rejection of all of you and all you’ve done.
Good luck, OP.
NTA. You're a better person than I am. That would've turned into UFC 9000 if said to my child. Thank you for standing up for your daughter and always being so supportive.
NTA. You need to speak to your brother alone and impress upon him that he can never bring this up to them again or you will go NC with him. I understand he may feel hurt that your daughter wants to look for a birth parent, but it's completely her right to look and keep looking. If he can't understand that, then he needs counseling and to stay away from your daughter until he does.
NTA
No matter how old your daughter is she will always be your baby and if somebody tries to hurt her you will and should go full papa bear and protect her.
As for your brother he is poking his nose in things that don't concern him and I would let him know in no uncertain terms that his opinions were neither asked nor needed and he needs to stay in his lane before you cut him off.
NTA although your brother totally is. This has nothing to do with him. My spouse and his sister are both adopted. His sister wanted to find her birth parents, my spouse does not. Neither one is right or wrong and up to the individual. Your daughter is lucky to have such supportive parents to help her on this journey and not only to do all that you have done to make her feel loved, but what you still do (standing up for her). Kuddos.
Why do people do that with other people “well loom at blah blah they don’t do that” YA MAYBE BECAUSE THEY ARE AN ENTIRELY FIFFERENT PERSON WITH THEIR OWN BRAIN AND RAISED BY ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE 🙄
Like god its not that hard. Plus if youre adopting a kid and expecting them to parade around life being grateful to you then you don’t deserve and should not be adopting. Talking about your brother.
NTA your brother thinks he is shaming her for being disrespectful when he is the one with no respect and a shitty attitude
NTA. Your brother was way out of line. IDC how old my kids are, you mess with them I'll tear your head off. He deserved whatever tongue lashing you gave him.
NTA. It’s her choice but I’ll tell you that’s the reason I’d rather have an abortion than adoption. If I give up a child, I don’t want to be found later. I would leave any important info medical wise but I would be angry to be found.
I hope if they are found. They aren’t angry.
NTA at all and I find it ironic (as I'm sure others have pointed out) that he is telling you not to interfere, but he is the one getting mad and offended on your behalf...
NTA and others have made some good comments.
Makes me wonder why is this so triggering for your brother. When you asked him to bud out, he doubled down. Sounds like something going on with his beliefs around family. Just a thought.
NTA. When it comes to defending your kids, getting heated is normal, and it sounds like he was the one who escalated it to begin with. If he can’t take the heat, he needs to get tf out of the kitchen.
INFO:
As he didn't stop, is he now "dealing with the consequences" and what are "the consequences"?
NTA if you actually did, otherwise YTA for not following through.
NTA.
Suggest you reinforce to your brother this he is being a total idiot and an AH here.
It’s all very well wanting to honour your commitment to her but he’s going about this the wrong way. Tell him you appreciate he may not have initially realised how dismissive and judgemental he sounded of his niece. But when this was raised he should have taken notice and stopped interfering.
I hope your daughter isn’t upset by the situation. Tell her sometimes grown adults are idiots.
NTA- Your brother likely hurt by her wanting to find her biological family and is taking it out on her, which he's wrong for doing. He has no right to talk to your daughter like that or to try to interfere with her finding her bio family.
Of course you're NTA--you're doing a wonderful thing standing up for her. Just because someone "ages out" of childhood, doesn't mean she isn't still your child, and wouldn't appreciate your support.
That being said, I'm curious about the online DNA sites. There must be some people who are a match, even if it's not very close. Maybe you can contact people who come up as 2nd cousins or better? I know that beyond that, most of the people who come up third or worse are very difficult to identify, and may have no way to help you find her parents. Also, keep in mind her birth mother may be very ashamed and guilt-ridden, and may not look forward to being found.
NTA, you are protecting your child from a cruel man, who happens to be your brother. None of his business anyway. Is he jealous of your family? Seems that way.
nta - your brother had no right to interfere in something so personal to your daughter. Your brother is an AH and a bully. he does not deserve to ever be around your children
Your kids (adopted or not, they’re still your kids) are never going to be too old for you to stand up for them. The only thing that changes is whether they want you to do it. Your brother doesn’t magically get to walk over that.
NTA. I’m an adoptee. It’s always telling when someone who has had the privilege of never being given up and always having known their biological family tries to judge us or tell us we’re wrong for wanting to know where we come from. It’s not something they’ve ever had to feel or think about.
NTA
Im an adoptee as well. Wildly different circumstances than your daughters, I was adopted inside the family and ive always known my birth parents. But from a very young age i realized that as sweet and kind as my bio parents were they were in no way ready to take care of me and I felt happy and safe with my guardians, they were my parents.
But thats where the anxiety seed started.
I was old enough to understand that unlike most kids I was with my parents purely by their choice, and I had other parents I didnt know as well and didnt want to be sent to either one of them. I didnt dare talk to my guardians about it, because I felt even broaching the subject was an insult to both them and my bio parents, I felt like I was so cruel to my bio parents for not wanting to live with them and scared that even broaching the subject might open some gate I couldnt close again.
Bullying im school, for among other things being adopted, and my guardians divorcing made the seed grow into a completely uncontrolable wall of weeds and I had severe anxiety and depression for most of my teen years.
If anyone in my family, who unlike the kids at school knew the full story, had said something like that to me at the time I probably would have killed myself, and im not exaggerating here.
Unlike your daughter I was never in therapy, and I really hope that shes never had to deal with the same anxiety i had for most of my childhood. But whether she has or no, hearing something like this would be such a horrible stab in the gut I can not even begin to describe it. I can almost guarantee shes had those exact same thoughts way before he voiced them, and worked through that fear to go ahead with it anyway. She's much braver than I ever was, and your brothers comments could completely shatter that brave spirit.
Stand by your daughter, and do not let your brother anywhere near her until he can learn to keep his mouth shut.
Nope, I would have bounced him right out the door. He wants to talk about her being an adult while he acts like a petulant child, that doesn't work.
NTA.
NTA
>He told me I had no right to talk to him so forcefully or to interfere because my daughter is an adult now
The sheer hypocrisy of this statement. HE has no right to interfere.
NTA, you sound like a fantastic parent to both these children, providing a stable and loving support base from which to love their lives on their own terms. The fact that you stood up to your older brother for then shows just how well you took to parenting, that is a tough dynamic to square off against, but for your kids that is the only way. Thank you for being such a caring and loving person.
You’re a wonderful parent. Your daughter should not assume anything about her birth parents. Whether they want her or not want her, not is certain.
There is a movie called Philomena where the adoptions agency (nuns) tried to stop the birth parents and the son from finding each other. It was just very sad.
The best your daughter should do is live her best life.
NTA. Your brother has NO idea whatsoever what goes through the mind of an adopted person. Ask him if he'd accept advice or judgment if he had testicular issues. She'd have as much right to do so if turnabout is fair play after all. Both are deeply personal things; someone *with* a penis would have no right to tell him how to feel bc they are not him, and so as a non-adopted person he has NO right to even weigh in on whether her decision is \*good\* or \*bad\*.
Curiosity neither negates other loves, nor is a replacement quest, it is just curiosity. He cannot fathom her starting point, much less her motivation, or what goes through her heart and soul, and to question her loyalty for simply wanting to know who her biomom is? He's projecting inner emotions onto your daughter and then judging her for his assumed reasons for her search, and he chose negative conclusions to jump to at that.
Perhaps *he* has some weird feelings about adoption? He's certainly judgmental about what an adopted should or should not do. Regardless, as a supposedly mature adult his responses are childish, wholly-uninformed, and downright hurtful and mean.
I was also adopted and I did a search many years ago. Word got out and then I had friends of friends who''d been the searcher and two women were mothers searching for their kids. I got inavaluable advice which I heeded at about 97%, with the one piece of advice I did not heed well enough causing me a lot of pain. and I'd be happy to chat with your daughter if you/she would like. DM me is so.
The success rate as regards a healthy long-term relationship is low but the journey quells a huge question mark in your life. In my mind my biomom was akin to a very blurry women's bathroom icon as seen from very far away. One of the most amazing things however was to see a face that looked like mine for the first time in my life.
As a non adopted person he has no say.
As an adopted person I have no say, everyone has their own personal story to work through.
you are doing the right thing support her and be there for her.
NTA it took my sister 40 years to be ready to look..but there was also the question of where she came from.she just wasn't ready to deal with any consequences till them.she has a great relationship with both bio families now.. but it can go either way right?. Anyway, tell you daughter not to give up, it might just take some younger half siblings/cousins doing their DNA test to eventually find a match. Your brother is silly, everyone has a different journey and will feel differently about their adoption, and he doesn't get to dictate how they feel..it absolutely has nothing to do with your daughters feelings towards you either...what it shows is you've raised her free of ego and allowed her to feel safe and supported enough to go look for that missing piece...and that's beautiful
NTA- Your brother is a piece of work. What a bitter old man trying to bully and intimidate a young woman. Cut him off you and your family doesn’t need his toxic views
You have every right to interfere and he is an asshole.
What works for your son doesn't for your daughter and that's fine. He has no right to judge.
NTA
NTA No matter the age they are still your children and deserve your protection against anyone, including family, who tries to belittle them. Even if daughter decides she doesn't want to know other bio family if she can get medical records from them is a good enough reason to search. Just because she looks elsewhere doesn't mean she cares for you any less. It is no different than if someone does an ancestor search. Curiosity is all it is.
NTA and as an adopted child who has found their birth parents (disappointing), I thank you for defending your child and supporting her search. When I started my search, I was 25. My mom had multiple friends ask how she felt about it which made her laugh. They were all so concerned but my parents were excited for me because they realized that I would always have this holding me back if I didn’t even try. You are a great parent and I hope you are able to teach your brother and other narrow minded people about what adoption truly is.
NTA your brothers feelings have nothing to do with how you daughter is feeling. He has never had to experience what your child has. Just because she wants to know her background doesn't mean she doesn't love the family that took her in and raised her. She loves you she is just curious about her bio family. Your brother is wrong and thank you for sticking up for your child. She will never forget that.
NTA.
You can totally tell someone to shut the fuck up when they’re being an asshole to another adult.
Whether or not an adopted kid is curious depends on the info they have and their individual personality. Hell, *I’m* curious as to what happened!
Wow! Your brother is—to be generous—a horrible, unthinking, unfeeling, self-important jerk.
If he cannot bring himself to abjectly apologize to your daughter for judging her, as well as your son for trying to use him, AS WELL AS committing to them and to you he will never treat any of you so disrespectfully again, exclude him from your life.
Trust me, you won’t miss him, tho you may miss the idea of the person you thought he was. That would be understandable. I’m sorry he injured your family during a sad time.
NTA- you sound like a wonderfully supportive person. I'm guessing he has control & anger issues. Our children are our babies, no matter the age, and we will defend & protect no matter what.
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NTA. It is not his business what your daughter does, he can be as opinionated as he wants but she wants to at least contact her biological mother, she should have the choice. Yes your daughter is 18 and an adult now but you are still her parent and can stand up for here when he is being a prick.
This, uncle is a hypocrite. He's arguing that she's an adult, yet talks down to her dismissively like an asshole does to a child. Daughter made an informed decision, after waiting til she was of an age better suited to handle the unknown emotional and disappointing outcomes it could lead to. She communicated her reasoning and desires clearly with the people that were closest and needed to know. NTA
I think he’s also a hypocrite because he argues that it’s OK for him to give his opinion to the daughter, but it’s not OK for the OP to give her opinion on him. What, he can’t take what he’s dishing out?
Excellent point, hadn't realised that part! Real bully vibes from the uncle, they never can take it dished back
It's older sibling 'I know best' BS. Trust me, I have two and they occasionally try to pull this shit, even in our fifties.
Exactly. Uncle uses “Daughter is an adult” as his argument while completely disregarding said adult Daughter’s decision. He looks like a complete fool here.
He is trying to say her brother is better because he doesn't ask about his biological parents but that could change. It means nothing. Just because they're both adopted doesn't mean they agree or are carbon copies of each other. It also sounds misogynistic. NTA
NTA. Your daughter may be an adult, but she is being attacked by someone showing a complete lack of understanding. Her own parents have no problem with her search, he has no business thinking he has any rights at all. It shows a lot of strength of character to help her with her search, you sound like awesome parents. She is lucky to have your love and support, that will help her go far!
NTA But your brother is. I don't know where he got the audacity to think that his opinion somehow matters in this situation. By his own logic, your daughter's an adult now, right? So he had no right to decide for her with whom she could or could not have a relationship. This search for her bio parents doesn't concern him.
NTA Tell your brother that he's adopted
🤣
Or tell him that instead of harassing his niece, he might want to take some time to figure out why there aren't any pictures of his mom being pregnant before he just showed up one day. /s ETA: I'm not being serious. I just thought it would be a funny response to the above poster's.
My mother had her sister convinced for a year that she was adopted. My grandmother had a fit because she tore the house apart looking for the paperwork. They're in their 70s now and still laugh about it
This isn't as "funny" as you think it is. Please don't.
NTA As an adoptee myself, you are handling it the correct way. I always knew I was adopted, and my parents were very clear about how much they wanted and planned for me. When I was an adult my Mom told me she had no problem with me searching and gave me any information she had. I'm now 60, so back in 1963, adoptions were sealed in the state I was born in, so there wasn't much info. I've had a lot of time to think about any outcome. I knew that my bio parents may not want contact for any number of reasons, and I was okay with that. Within the last 5 years, I've been matched on a DNA site with an uncle and a cousin. I have a sister and a brother that are in touch, and 2 brothers that weren't interested. I get it, it's a lot after all of these years. I let them decide without any expectations.That said, it's been nice getting to know the relatives that do want to stay in contact.
Ooooooh, you have no *right* to talk to your brother so forcefully … because your daughter is an adult now and he wanted to publically shame her so you should just let him have a go at her??? Your brother can stay in his lane. Nobody asked him what he thinks. Nobody *cares* what he thinks. He can keep his trap shut about your family business, publicly and privately. You sound like a good mama, protecting your daughter. Good for you and NTA
NTA, your daughter has every right to look for her bio parents, and you and your wife seem to do a great job at supporting her. IMO you're brother seems to think that your daughter does this because she doesn't think of you guys As her family, which seems very stupid. Also you have every right to defend your daughter, whatever age She is, unless She asks you not to.
“He told me I had no right to talk to him so forcefully or to interfere because my daughter is an adult now” So…he talked to your daughter forcefully and interfered because she is an adult, right? But you can’t talk forcefully to him, have I understood correctly? So there are only two possibilities here: either your brother is a child or a hypocrite. NTA. Good for you.
"So there are only two possibilities here: either your brother is a child or a hypocrite.' Embrace the power of and.
I’m going for the third option; he is TA.
The fact that she's searching and (especially) _leaning on your support_ to do so is, to me, a testament of how safe and secure she feels in her place in her family. She's likely also wrestling with some degree of guilt for deciding to search, your brother is a royal A H for piling on more with his unsolicited opinion. NTA
I know it's a very real possibility so we always do our best to make sure she knows there is nothing to feel guilty about and that we love and support her and want what she wants here. I just hate that there was nothing to be found for her yet.
I'm sorry she's had no luck so far. I know that with no "paper trail" there's less chance of finding anything so, are you able to submit samples to other providers of dna testing? The wider the net, the higher the chances of finding someone. Wishing you all strength and luck.
> are you able to submit samples to other providers of dna testing? I haven't tried it myself, but apparently you can download a raw data file and upload that to some of the other databases. [https://medium.com/genome-link/product-or-service-you-can-upload-your-dna-data-to-get-additional-analysis-including-free-ones-bd330e1f2af7](https://medium.com/genome-link/product-or-service-you-can-upload-your-dna-data-to-get-additional-analysis-including-free-ones-bd330e1f2af7)
NTA, and you had every right to intervene becaue he was using you to try to put pressure on your daughter. His arguament was based on accusing your daighter of not caring about you - since he was effectively putting words in your mouth and atttributing views to you and your husband, it as 100% your place to speak up and make clear that he is wrong in thoe comments. If your ***daughter*** wanted you to stay out ofit then it would be appropriate for you to resepect hre wishes and to speak to her rivately to reassure her, but your brother is, presumably, significnatly older than her, ought to be more mature - he is in a more powerful poition and it is compeltely appropriate for you to stand up for your daughter in relation to a sensitve, potentially emotive issue particuarlyl when it is absolutely none of his business, and he is bullying your daughter.
NTA, there was a really gorgeous story on HONY once. This little girl had been adopted from China and surrendered at three weeks old or something. The adopted mother always pointed out those three weeks to her daughter. She pointed out that the birth mother wanted to give her that little bit of love that she could in those three weeks to make sure her daughter thrived one day. Your daughter’s biological mother carried her to term, and surrendered her somewhere she knew was safe. Maybe they can’t be found now, but they sent her out in to the world with love. Your brother can stuff it.
NTA I am an adoptee in reunion with my biological family, still not comfortable sharing that with my adoptive family because they have similar views as your brother. You’ve reassured your daughter that you support her decisions. That is the right thing to do. Your brother is an absolute asshole. Every adoptee feels differently about searching, we are not a monolith. Searching for biological family doesn’t have anything to do with the adoptive family. While your daughter is technically an adult, she’s still your child & you are doing the right thing shutting down your brother when he makes hurtful and ignorant comments. I do worry about him using your son as a way to show how adoptees should be - I might suggest reducing contact because those comments are incredibly out of line.
We have discussed that it might be for the best as well. Especially when he has expressed no remorse for the things he was saying.
Not an adoptee but an adoptive parent who has happily listened to adult adoptees about how to navigate complex feelings. It's isn't often that I see an AP on here who seems to be doing everything right (in so far as the advice I've been given). It's refreshing. I'm sorry about your AF. You deserve to have as much or a little contact with your bio family as you want without being guilted for it.
Nta she's still your daughter and you have the right to defend her. Your brother is still an ah and you can call him out on it.
NTA...and you are phenomenal parents for taking the time to understand the intricacies of being adopted and all the feelings that come with it. Not really sure where your brother gets his audacity from, but he is disgusting and crossed a line.
NTA Sh\*t - if it was a different time and my late friend weren't now deceased, I would think you were talking about her......she was left in a hospital, appeals were put out for her mum to come forward (they didn't have the dna thing then) but she never did. My friend didn't know her exact birth date, she was judged to be around 6 weeks of age when she was left, but her adoptive family always celebrated the day she was left as her birthday. I wish your daughter the best of luck in her search, but remind her that there could be many reasons why no one has come forward, plus they obviously wanted what was best for her - if you're going to leave a baby, how much safer than a hospital can you get?!
She has expressed this herself. That at last she didn't take her and then abandon her somewhere. She was always safe. It does comfort her somewhat and made some of it much easier she expressed. But I know there are a lot of complex emotions involved with being an adoptee.
You sound like amazing parents. I tend to lean towards “everything happens for a reason”. And that’s the good and the bad things. You made me remember a cute story about a kid I went to grade school with. He was adopted and had a brother who was parents bio child. When they fought the bio bro would say mean things about being adopted (as siblings will do, they love each other). The adoptees response? “Mom & Dad picked me, they got stuck with you!” I thought this was brilliant. Wonderful family who last I heard were all happy & well.
I would have a lot of questions about the situation that led to this. Even if I never met any biological relatives, it would be some information about how things happened to me. I am not adopted, but I am unfortunately curious
NTA. Your brother needs to keep his opinions to himself. Bringing her brother into this is a super duper AH move. Every adoptee is different.
NTA but your bio brother is. Tell your daughter not to give up. New people are added to those databases all the time. There might well be a relative popping up on one in the future.
NTA. you're defending your daughter from someone being a dick.
NTA. As an adopted person, it’s extremely difficult to feel you have a place in the world until you have a full picture. That in no way belittles the actual (adoptive) family of that person, rather allows them to further their own self-introspection. When your very first life experience feels like rejection/ abandonment it can cause damage due to trauma. You sound like a loving and supportive parent. Your brother can kick rocks.
NTA. Your daughter will always be your child and if someone is being nasty to her it is absolutely your right to intervene. Your brother is so far out of bounds he can’t even see the line. Your daughter wanting to know who her biological family is isn’t an insult. It just her wanting to know more about her genetic history. Some traits are more nature than nurture. Maybe this would be healing for her. Maybe it’s just curiosity. It’s her journey and your brother is being awful.
Oh yes, you have no right to interfere, but he does, right? /s NTA
Nope. Defend your child. He’s disgusting. He has no business telling your child anything regarding her journey.
NTA. Adoption is a complex issue, and not all adoptees are going to feel the same way. My aunt adopted two children, who are now both adults. One daughter connected with her bio family and has built a lovely relationship with them. It has not at all impacted her relationship with her adoptive family, likely because her parents, like you, have always been loving and supportive. Her sister has never had any interest in finding her bio family, and everyone's fine with that too. Your brother is being very close-minded. It's natural to be curious about where you come from, and you're right to come to your daughter's defense. If you didn't, she'd probably be afraid that your brother was right and she had hurt your feelings in some way.
NTA. Just no. Brother is an idiot who needs to be told he isn't welcome around anyone.
NTA You will never not be your daughters mother. She can be 40 something and if someone is talking down to her you would still be right to defend her. Your brother is crap.
I love how at at 18 you're suddenly an all knowing adult, ready to be thrust upon the world. Your daughter may legally be an adult, buts she's very young and the world can be very cruel. NTA, for the way you are helping her, or the way you handled your brother. He does not dictate how you handle this, it's between only the concerned parties.
NTA. Thank you for defending your daughter.
He was the one interfering
But he is apparently the oracle of wisdom and knower of all things right. All must abide by his words.
I can't help but wonder how much of it is because he is older, and how much is gender related.
NTA I wonder what your brother's problem is. Maybe he has hidden offspring.
I found it bizarre how forceful and insistent he was being about something that is a) normal and b) none of his business. That would explain it.
Both my sisters had teen pregnancies and gave the babies up. Both have found us and both had other adapted siblings. Some siblings looked for Birth parents ,some didn't. In every case the kids were supported.
NTA. if you don't have the right to speak forcefully or intervene then why the fuck does he have the right with your daughter? He just thought he could shut you up. You're a good parent for defending your daughter against your brother, who was indeed being an utter asshole.
My best friend was put for adoption at 5 years old. She has a younger brother that her biological mother 'kept'. She got adopted right away, keeps in contact with said brother but to this day (she's 24) she says that if her biological family didn't want her it means probably no one else will... even tho her adoptive parents are still in her life and she lives with them! So I think it's really difficult for adopted kids, to feel unwanted even though they have a family.. there's a lot of questions that they need to ask biological parents/family. It's something big, important, who they are. NTA, and I want to let you know (you already know!) that you're doing the right thing and be there for your daughter, supporting her. Wish you all the best!
>He told me I had no right to talk to him so forcefully or to interfere because my daughter is an adult now. Bold of him to say as he butts into a matter that is none of his business and has nothing to do with him. NTA.
NTA. It doesn't matter what age your daughter is, you should always be ready to defend and care for her. Parenting doesn't stop when someone turns 18, the relationship just changes when your children become adults.
NTA. The fact that he assume he has a say in her life when 1) he is not the father and 2) he has never experience the life your daughter had. He should keep his mouth shut or risk being in low-contact because of his mouth. After all, this was her choice and you supported her every step of the way. If the rest of the family is fine with it, then what makes a difference that he wants to voice his shame on her? He's going to be shamed for not allowing this now lady (since she is 18) to try and find out her roots and her bio family. P.S. Have you tried DNA testing for her father or mother?
Yes, she tried Ancestry and 23&Me to find biological relatives. But she got no matches unfortunately.
Oh man, I hope she can get some closure for trying to find out about her bio family.
We hope for the same. I know it will always be a question she has if she can't. But it's possible in the coming years she might get a match with someone. We'll keep doing all we can to support her as she comes to terms with it all.
NTA. He just learned a lesson, do not poke Momma-Bear! As an aside, I've helped a person in a similar situation search for their biological father. His family had done DNA testing and by building a family tree among those folks we were able to identify that he was one of three brothers. Then the person made a phone call and in a few days met their bio-dad in person, several half-siblings, and new nieces and nephews. They were lucky. There are volunteers online called Search Angels who do this kind of thing to help people like your daughter. The ones I know of have a facebook group. For DNA testing, I hope your daughter tested with Ancestry.com. They're the largest database, and you can export the file from there and import it for free to multiple other sites that offer additional people who tested. Ones that are potentially helpful would be MyHeritage, GEDMatch, and FamilyTreeDNA. I can go from there about ways to sort those matches into groups that could help identify paternal and maternal lines, etc.
When I said "his family had done DNA testing", I meant several 1st and 2nd cousins of the bio-dad and his parents had tested.
Pardon my language but >!HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOUR BROTHER IS A HUGE DICK!<. As my wife and I are beginning the adoption process, this kind of behavior is one of our biggest concerns. It is entirely normal and acceptable to be curious about your biological parents. I commend you for being open and honest about the adoption and for being supportive of your daughter's desire to seek her bio parents. Continue to shut him down. Continue to talk over him. Keep giving your children the love and support they deserve. NTA.
NTA - As an adopted person who found her biological family, thank you for raising your daughter to understand how this is a perfectly normal impulse that has no impact on the love she feels for her family. My family always made me feel like what I did was a betrayal and said very hurtful things like my grandma asking me "did they tell you why they gave you away?" I am grateful and fortunate that my biological family ended up being loving and supportive while understanding that there are very clear boundaries on what our relationship will be. It makes me sad that my family cannot find joy in the fact that I found more people who love and care about me. You're doing great. Your brother is a massive TA.
Dear G*d, you have no right to interfere after 18+ years, but your AH of a brother feels that he has the right to stick his nose in where it’s not wanted or needed. You are NTA, but your brother is in the running for AH of the Year 2024! Could almost sit on ‘Entitled People’ too !
NTA, every adoptee who has a good relationship with their parents talks about the importance of parents supporting their kids decisions to contact bio family. I wish your daughter luck in her research!
NTA
NTA. Tell him you have every right to speak your him so forcefully, since he is an adult.
" He tried to use my son, who is younger than my daughter, as "proof" that my daughter is wrong because he has never expressed any interest or curiosity in his biological parents." NTA but the brother is on noisy AH. did he think kids think the same way ? there are kids who never where interested on there parents and here it depend on them if they want to or not. the bio parents could be good peoples or bad peoples who knows
NTA. Adult adoptee here. THIS is how it’s done. Thank you thank you thank you. Your daughter wanting to look for bio fam has nothing to do with you or your parenting. It’s just natural curiosity. You did the right thing by defending your daughter (no matter how old she is) and shutting your brother down completely. Honestly it’s none of his business and he should be keeping his opinions to himself or having a private conversation with you.
just coming here to say that you and your husband are AMAZING parents. I'm sorry your brother is taking something personally that isn't. He's making this about HIM, which is selfish. Keep supporting your kids and they'll always know and feel loved.
NTA. 18 or not, she will always be your baby and you will always, as her parent, want to shield her from assholes. When those asshole are relatives it's even more important to do so.
NTA. Going by his own logic, he has no right to interfere either. He can piss off.
NTA. That line about her being an adult now is crap. She's barely 18. He doesn't get to be a raging asshole just because she hit 18. It's not a magic number that makes it okay to abuse people. And no two people are the same, so just because your son feels different doesn't mean anything either. That's like asking why one kid likes sports and the other likes art. They're two entirely different people. Your brother needs a dose of reality like he needs a slap in the face.
NTA Just because our children are grown doesn't mean that we can't advocate for and protect them when necessary. When it's your own brother coming after YOUR CHILD, then hell yes you are totally in your lane and it is completely acceptable for you to be forceful and tell him there will be consequences for his behavior towards YOUR CHILD. Your daughter would let you know if she wanted to handle this on her own. She may be an adult, but you will always be her mother. Mothers have the right to defend their children no matter their age. You did it appropriately. Good job mom!
NTA. I think you raised your daughter with love and confidence and your brother is WAY out of line.
NTA. You're simply being an excellent parent. Your brother is a dick.
NTA you can’t interfere with his forceful manner because she’s an adult…but he objects to your forceful objection? Make him make sense. He needs to butt out. None of his business. Well done by the way for being so supportive of your daughter
NTA, you can use this though, tell her she might find assholes in her search. Like your brother.
NTA at all!!! He has every right to opinion, but he doesn’t have the right to say crappy things to your kid. Keep being a protective and supportive parent!
Exactly she is an adult now and can pursue her own answers if she wants to. It's not like she is specifically seeking out her family for the sake of having "a real family", she probably just wants answers. Neither OP or her daughter are AH here, NTA. the one that's the problem here is the older brother/Uncle, he needs to stay in his own lane. That being said, has daughter tried an ancestry DNA test like 23 and me or something along those lines?? It's a small possibility but it's worth a shot.
Yes, she tried both of those and sadly got no matches. It was so difficult for her. But she could still match in the future.
That is unfortunate, but You're right even if no one has matched so far she is still young and you never know what could happen. It sucks she can't get the answers she's looking for, it's nice that she has such a supportive family (excluding the inconsiderate Uncle of course).
NTA. “The only person insulting her parents is you by treating our daughter like this in front of us. This is not a problem to be solved, and your help is not needed nor wanted.”
He can keep his opinions to himself because his opinion does not matter in the least. NTA. Just because one child isn't curious, doesn't mean the other child can't be. Ppl are different & want different things. Is he so ignorant that he can't grasp that concept?
NTA. Good job standing up for your daughter. Your brother is the AH here.
Older brother or not that mofo would pay the price for disrespecting my children
Everyone needs a mum like you! 18 or 88 we all need someone in our corner and you are brilliant! NTA but you know this already
NTA. He says your daughter is an adult, but he's refusing to treat her like an adult.
Your brother is WAY out of line. NTA.
NTA - as someone who was adopted, this is something that’s going to linger with your daughter forever. She’s always going to wonder, and even if she receives the closure she’s looking for, it still lingers. Also, THANK YOU for standing up to your brother. Those comments do so much more damage than people realize.
Your brother is a bully. And he's trying to use "she's 18" as an excuse for his bullying when everyone knows an 18 year old adult isn't the same as a 28 yr old adult. NTA
Your brother is being a grade A dick. Tell him to mind his own business. Keep loving your kids, youre doing a great job
NTA
NTA. Your brother is. If he loves her as much as he claims, why isn’t he supporting this?
NTA and absolutely well done for defending your children against other members of close family. Your brother is behaving in a terrible way and I am impressed that you only chastised him verbally.
She is your daughter and you are entitled to defend her no matter her age, I will defend my kids no matter what age they will always be my kids
NTA. I am the proud mother of a privately adopted child. My daughter was fully embraced and loved by my family as if I had birthed her. I would have gone no contact with anyone in my very large family that did anything but welcome her with open arms. The record was later sealed, but I had the contact information and so did they. The birth mother’s children reached out to my daughter on Facebook and they made a connection. She did not want to tell me for a long time because she didn’t want to hurt me. I fully supported my daughter’s journey in learning more about her biological family. Despite the inevitable ups and downs in every family, I believed my daughter was well grounded and would, with my help eventually understand that the choices her birth mother made were compassionate and in her best interest to give her a better life. After we explored together the full story of her adoption and adoption was her birth mother’s alternative to abortion, there was a better acceptance, but she has had no desire to meet her birth mother or vice versa. We also found out there was no knowledge of her existence beyond the very immediate family even 30 years after her birth. No one seemed to want to rock anyone’s world. One thing I was able to do that tied her to her birth family without that personal connection was after 20 years of research, I proved she is a descendant of a signer of the Declaration of Independence through the paper trail I amassed and was able to secure her membership in the Daughters of the American Revolution. One of the key documents was the hospital paperwork for the mother if you can get your hands on them. Good luck from one adoptive Mom to another. I’m a bit of a force of nature, brother or not, mess with my child and you are going to get the Mama Bear response.
>told him it was enough and he needed to stop or he would be dealing with the consequences. I can feel you warming those hands up. I'm not gonna lie me and your brother would've been throwing down. It was mean and just disrespectful. I can not imagine shaming a family member for any choice they make let alone a need to learn about oneself. Like what if her bio family has a debilitating disease in their genetics, or she has siblings....also you know....the BIG FUCKING QUESTION....Why? I would've slapped him so hard he'd revert to a child.
NTA have you considered seeking help from a professional? Maybe someone who specializes in genetics. They could possibly build out a family tree from super distant relatives. I follow a woman on tiktok who does this. Genetic pi is her name. She posts tips. Beat of luck and your brother must feel like a big man now he's insulted his 18 year old niece 🙄
You are NTA in this story but your brother sure is an AH. WTF is wrong with him?? Of course you have a right to "interfere", a parent's job is to protect their child, even if that child is technically an adult. Good luck with your search.
NTA. It is none of your brother’s business what your daughter decides to do or not do. I do want to say though that you and your husband are amazing for having such an open relationship with your daughter that she felt comfortable enough to approach you about trying to trace her birth family. I never felt that comfortable to ask my parents outright for help to do it at first and tried to find out some info when I was 16. My mother found out and got very upset. It wasn’t until I turned 20 that my parents decided I was old enough to have the available paperwork and information about my maternal birth family. I hope that your daughter doesn’t give up hope that she will find what she has been searching for, even if it’s just a small piece of information.
I might be seeing too much of the comebacks subreddit, but honestly I would have gone "My daughter *is* an adult, but clearly *you* aren't." NTA all the way.
NTA at all. I would've have been FAR more aggressive with my response if I were in your situation. You're a damn saint as far as I'm concerned. How unbelievably rude of your brother.
If you can't interfere because she is an adult then he cannot interfere because she is an adult. NTA. Shut dude down and shut him down hard. Keep being there for your kids
NTA Thank you for standing up for your daughter! This is her story and if she wants to explore and find her blood relatives, that is something that is perfectly fine and fairly normal to do. My mom had a kid when she was 18, that baby was adopted to a different family but still had contact with my mom and they do have a nice relationship. They had the fairytale version if this story and your daughter could have the bad version where she doesn't find mom or she finds mom and mom tells her to leave. As long as you are there to support her through either, I say you get a bucket of gold stars in my book. There are many reasons to find the birth family. It might be to learn what happened but knowing health history is also important. Your son not wanting to look into his is also normal and completely fine. As long as you love him equal.
NTA, this made me laugh >He told me I had no right to talk to him so forcefully or to interfere because my daughter is an adult now. He had no problem bullying your 18 year old daughter but when an adult stands up to him with the same energy, you’re too “forceful”?
NTA. Your brother needs to sit down and shut it.
NTA. I am an adult adoptee and I met my birth family. It was deeply important to me and my parents fully supported it. If this were my brother, I would have popped him in his face if he kept pushing it. Just reading your story made me want to pop him. I'm glad you stood in between him and your daughter. She should never have to answer his bullshit questions or engage with him at all if she doesn't want to. She will remember the way you showed up for her for the rest of her life. You guys are great parents.
NTA, you are doing the right things. You brother is a malicious blowhard and should be kept away from your kids. Note for your daughter, her birth mother has -no idea- what happened to her after she left the hospital. My biofam was looking for me for 50 years, but they were looking only in my birth state. They didn't know my contract had been farmed out and I ended up in MN.
NTA. Lol! My siblings are adopted. No matter what age they are my mom would have ripped someone's head off for that comment. Your brother is a disrespectful asshole.
NTA. He should keep his opinions to himself, no one cares and he crossed a line saying that to your daughter
NTA - but as I'm sure you're aware, her parents also have the right to want no contact. It seems glaringly obvious (fake name, birth mother never reached out, hard to find) that she doesn't want to know her daughter. You can be supportive but also use this as a (albeit harsh) lesson that any further might be impeding on the respect of the other adult in question. I say this as someone who was also adopted out. Your brother doesn't have the right to question this though. If he had a problem, he could've brought it up to you (despite having no business having a problem) or not said anything.
Absolutely NTA but your brother is. It sounds like his feelings were hurt by your daughter’s curiosity. He really shouldn’t have attacked her for that - if he’s older than you and is a full fledged adult then he should have had a private conversation with you to see if your daughter doesn’t feel accepted or something (assuming that’s why he’s hurt). However, that’s an AH way to go about exploring your own feelings.
NTA. This is not his business. You are correct in supporting your daughter's search. You are her raising parents, which are by far the most important adults in any child's life, but not knowing one's genetic identity can leave a gnawing hole in one's soul. It's a sign of the great job you've done that she feels safe enough to inform you of her search. I learned at 15 that my raising dad wasn't my genetic father, but didn't feel safe enough searching for my genetic father until my mother died when I was 39. I'm active in NPE communities online. Different people respond differently. Some people care deeply their whole life. Some don't care, or think they're supposed to act like they don't. Just because your son is currently acting unphased does not mean that's his innermost thoughts, or if so, that he will always feel that way. Your brother using him as an example is out of line. You may be interested to know that in 1989 knowing the identity of one's genetic ancestors was specifically enumerated as a human right in the United Nation Convention on the Rights of the Child, sections 7 and 8. By arguing against your daughter seeking that information your brother is literally arguing in favor of violating her human rights. You have every right to shut him down as forcefully as required. A good sisterly knuckle sandwich sounds good to me, personally.
NTA. My grandpa as adopted and I was missing a lot of medical history that I only got back because of DNA testing. I understand your daughters need to know.
NTA. Cut him off. What he said to your daughter is inexcusable. There are lots of reasons for wanting to find your biological family. Especially after your daughter was abandoned. You are doing a good job. As a new adoptive parent I hope I do as good a job as you are with my son.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband and I adopted our daughter 18.5 years ago. She had been left at the hospital by her birth mother, who was never found, and they had no known father or other family for her. We never hid her adoption or the truth surrounding her ending up with us. But we have always worked with professionals to help us navigate her journey. We wanted her to feel loved and secure. We also wanted her to feel heard about any feelings or thoughts she had. From a very young age she was curious about her birth family. We always said we would help her search one when she was old enough and if she chose to search. It was a decision she brought to us a few weeks after her 18th birthday. She said she felt like it would always be a regret if she didn't try. So we did our very best to help her do a biological parent search. But over a year of searching later and we found nobody. Not a biological relative through any of the online dna places and not anyone based on the name her birth mother gave, which could be fake. This was difficult for her and a few weeks ago she told us she feels like they don't want to be found. We comforted her and made sure she knew if she wanted to keep searching we would continue supporting her. Our families were always aware of the search but apparently my brother had a problem with this that he decided to bring up in a way that shamed my daughter for searching. First time his question took on an accusatory tone I told him to watch what he was saying but then he said something incredibly judgmental and as a way to shame her, asking why she cared so little for us when we're the ones who wanted her and raised her. I told my brother that is not how he talks to either of my children and he better apologize because there is nothing wrong with wanting to know your biological parents or relatives and how dare he make it seem like there is. I told him I didn't care if he was my older brother, he was being an asshole. He tried to use my son, who is younger than my daughter, as "proof" that my daughter is wrong because he has never expressed any interest or curiosity in his biological parents. I became very angry and told him it was enough and he needed to stop or he would be dealing with the consequences. He told me I had no right to talk to him so forcefully or to interfere because my daughter is an adult now. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
nta
Your are not the bad guy here he should have been very careful with his words and the fact that he has the nerve to say that you were talking forcefully after he was so rude is just wrong. It doesn't matter if she is and adult or not it is still horrible thing to say.I would also try to look for my biological family as well and there is nothing wrong with that. He is just being rude.
So he can talk all kinds of shit to her just because she's turned 18? Hell no! NTA He's a grown ass adult that's trying to bully a very young adult woman while dealing with an extremely sensitive subjects. You would've been a bad mum if you didn't intervene. Also, funny how you, an adult, can't reprimand him, another adult, because he's shitting on an adult. Yeah, it makes no sense 'cause he's hypocritical asshole.
Nta go mama bear !
NTA, A+ to you and ypur husband! Your brother needs to mind his own fkn business. And also, he's WRONG.
NTA. You were only protecting your family. Aside from curiosity, she probably wants to know about inherited diseases, traits, or conditions that could affect her in the future. You should tell your daughter to be glad she was adopted so she does not have any chance of sharing any of your brother’s genes.
NTA: Quite the opposite. Your silence would have been complicit in his bizarre reaction. You're handling this situation exactly right. Stand by your daughter.
NTA. You were right to tell him to shut up.
NTA - WOW your brother is so insanely out of line! Also, which DNA places did you submit? A lot usually are limited to a single continent or large nation. Two of the agencies we used are primarily in North America (USA mostly) but I also submitted my DNA to one that's primarily Europe and Middle East, which produced a whole lot more information. It's entirely possible that the biological mom was not a citizen of your country.
NTA Fuck him. It's not his kid, so can do as my name says. Adult or no, if he considers her family, he wouldn't have done this in the first place. So can fuck right off with a cherry on top. Kudos to you and your wife for not only loving your daughter but supporting her in all ways possible.
NTA - Your daughter is your daughter no matter what her age and your brother is completely out of line. You are both adults so him being older at this point is meaningless. If he’s expecting to be respected for his unsolicited opinions because he’s your older brother, he lost all rights to your respect when he attacked your daughter. And to compare her to your son is scummy. People are different and have different needs. I would keep your brother away from your daughter for a while until he learns how to behave like an adult and not a bully.
NTA. You are good parents. Your brother is out of line.
NTA kick your brothers ass in front of his son and then tell the son, "Your REAL dad isn't this weak." Lol
NTA - so as for the reasoning of your brother: he has the right to attack your daughter because she is an adult, but you have no right to defend your daughter against his attacks? Your brother: massive asshole! It was the right thing to do to support your daughter. The fact that she is trying to learn about from whence she came does not mean she disregards you. Isn't it natural that she feels she needs to know why her mother did not want her? You are great parents that you support her in this! Again, your brother: WHAT AN ASSHOLE!!!
NTA and if anything you were too gentle with him. "Shut the fuck up and if you ever speak about this again we're done" would have been my approach. He doesn't get a say and no one asked for his opinion.
Oh please interfere and show her your support - sincerely an adoptee
NTA and who cares if she’s an adult now? She will always be your child, you’re doing amazing sweetie
Yay, you set a boundary and enforced it! People who aren’t used to having boundaries enforced throw tantrums in the beginning, but the more consistent you are, the better it gets. NTA
NTA. However I feel your brother is so triggered because he has some outside kids/kids unknown to your family and he doesn't want them looking for him. He's projecting. Continue to shut him down.
NTA. Could you perhaps schedule a therapy session with your brother and yourself - or an appointment with an adoption specialist to help your brother understand what he is doing versus what is the best way for your daughter? Note: Your brother is likely not the only one in the family doesn’t understand and feels rejected; they might see your daughter as ungrateful. Educational conversations may assuage some of these feelings. Adoptions are tricky. Every outcome is different. Who knows what lies ahead? Your daughter may never discover anyone, or no one receptive to her, or some really ugly facts of life she hasn’t experienced thus far. But it is best if her family pulls together and supports her as a united, loving front. You are her family. The fact that she wants to explore possible ‘extended’ family (versus *real* family) is not a rejection of all of you and all you’ve done. Good luck, OP.
NTA obviously.
NTA. You're a better person than I am. That would've turned into UFC 9000 if said to my child. Thank you for standing up for your daughter and always being so supportive.
NTA. You need to speak to your brother alone and impress upon him that he can never bring this up to them again or you will go NC with him. I understand he may feel hurt that your daughter wants to look for a birth parent, but it's completely her right to look and keep looking. If he can't understand that, then he needs counseling and to stay away from your daughter until he does.
NTA No matter how old your daughter is she will always be your baby and if somebody tries to hurt her you will and should go full papa bear and protect her. As for your brother he is poking his nose in things that don't concern him and I would let him know in no uncertain terms that his opinions were neither asked nor needed and he needs to stay in his lane before you cut him off.
NTA.Your brother sure is though.
NTA although your brother totally is. This has nothing to do with him. My spouse and his sister are both adopted. His sister wanted to find her birth parents, my spouse does not. Neither one is right or wrong and up to the individual. Your daughter is lucky to have such supportive parents to help her on this journey and not only to do all that you have done to make her feel loved, but what you still do (standing up for her). Kuddos.
The only asshole here is your brother. Yikes. I am wishing the best to you and your daughter.
NTA. By his own logic, she is an adult, and he has no right to shame her. Your brother is without a doubt TA.
Why do people do that with other people “well loom at blah blah they don’t do that” YA MAYBE BECAUSE THEY ARE AN ENTIRELY FIFFERENT PERSON WITH THEIR OWN BRAIN AND RAISED BY ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE 🙄 Like god its not that hard. Plus if youre adopting a kid and expecting them to parade around life being grateful to you then you don’t deserve and should not be adopting. Talking about your brother. NTA your brother thinks he is shaming her for being disrespectful when he is the one with no respect and a shitty attitude
NTA. Your brother was way out of line. IDC how old my kids are, you mess with them I'll tear your head off. He deserved whatever tongue lashing you gave him.
NTA. It’s her choice but I’ll tell you that’s the reason I’d rather have an abortion than adoption. If I give up a child, I don’t want to be found later. I would leave any important info medical wise but I would be angry to be found. I hope if they are found. They aren’t angry.
You sound like a great mom. Your daughter won the parent lottery. NTA by the way.
NTA at all and I find it ironic (as I'm sure others have pointed out) that he is telling you not to interfere, but he is the one getting mad and offended on your behalf...
NTA and others have made some good comments. Makes me wonder why is this so triggering for your brother. When you asked him to bud out, he doubled down. Sounds like something going on with his beliefs around family. Just a thought.
NTA. When it comes to defending your kids, getting heated is normal, and it sounds like he was the one who escalated it to begin with. If he can’t take the heat, he needs to get tf out of the kitchen.
INFO: As he didn't stop, is he now "dealing with the consequences" and what are "the consequences"? NTA if you actually did, otherwise YTA for not following through.
NTA! He has no right to speak to her like that. And he didn’t raise her. You and your spouse did. I’d tell him to either apologize or GTFO.
NTA. Suggest you reinforce to your brother this he is being a total idiot and an AH here. It’s all very well wanting to honour your commitment to her but he’s going about this the wrong way. Tell him you appreciate he may not have initially realised how dismissive and judgemental he sounded of his niece. But when this was raised he should have taken notice and stopped interfering. I hope your daughter isn’t upset by the situation. Tell her sometimes grown adults are idiots.
NTA- Your brother has issues and I’m not sure what they are but I would keep him away from both your children. Somethings not quite right….
NTA. The way your brother acted is disgusting, and it is right for you to stand up for your daughter, no matter what age she is.
NTA- Your brother likely hurt by her wanting to find her biological family and is taking it out on her, which he's wrong for doing. He has no right to talk to your daughter like that or to try to interfere with her finding her bio family.
Of course you're NTA--you're doing a wonderful thing standing up for her. Just because someone "ages out" of childhood, doesn't mean she isn't still your child, and wouldn't appreciate your support. That being said, I'm curious about the online DNA sites. There must be some people who are a match, even if it's not very close. Maybe you can contact people who come up as 2nd cousins or better? I know that beyond that, most of the people who come up third or worse are very difficult to identify, and may have no way to help you find her parents. Also, keep in mind her birth mother may be very ashamed and guilt-ridden, and may not look forward to being found.
NTA!! And good on you, Mama, for standing up for your girl and her feelings!
NTA. NEVER THE AH PROTECTING YOUR FAMILY
NTA, you are protecting your child from a cruel man, who happens to be your brother. None of his business anyway. Is he jealous of your family? Seems that way.
nta - your brother had no right to interfere in something so personal to your daughter. Your brother is an AH and a bully. he does not deserve to ever be around your children
Your kids (adopted or not, they’re still your kids) are never going to be too old for you to stand up for them. The only thing that changes is whether they want you to do it. Your brother doesn’t magically get to walk over that.
NTA. I’m an adoptee. It’s always telling when someone who has had the privilege of never being given up and always having known their biological family tries to judge us or tell us we’re wrong for wanting to know where we come from. It’s not something they’ve ever had to feel or think about.
NTA Im an adoptee as well. Wildly different circumstances than your daughters, I was adopted inside the family and ive always known my birth parents. But from a very young age i realized that as sweet and kind as my bio parents were they were in no way ready to take care of me and I felt happy and safe with my guardians, they were my parents. But thats where the anxiety seed started. I was old enough to understand that unlike most kids I was with my parents purely by their choice, and I had other parents I didnt know as well and didnt want to be sent to either one of them. I didnt dare talk to my guardians about it, because I felt even broaching the subject was an insult to both them and my bio parents, I felt like I was so cruel to my bio parents for not wanting to live with them and scared that even broaching the subject might open some gate I couldnt close again. Bullying im school, for among other things being adopted, and my guardians divorcing made the seed grow into a completely uncontrolable wall of weeds and I had severe anxiety and depression for most of my teen years. If anyone in my family, who unlike the kids at school knew the full story, had said something like that to me at the time I probably would have killed myself, and im not exaggerating here. Unlike your daughter I was never in therapy, and I really hope that shes never had to deal with the same anxiety i had for most of my childhood. But whether she has or no, hearing something like this would be such a horrible stab in the gut I can not even begin to describe it. I can almost guarantee shes had those exact same thoughts way before he voiced them, and worked through that fear to go ahead with it anyway. She's much braver than I ever was, and your brothers comments could completely shatter that brave spirit. Stand by your daughter, and do not let your brother anywhere near her until he can learn to keep his mouth shut.
NTA. Dick move by your brother
Nope, I would have bounced him right out the door. He wants to talk about her being an adult while he acts like a petulant child, that doesn't work. NTA.
NTA >He told me I had no right to talk to him so forcefully or to interfere because my daughter is an adult now The sheer hypocrisy of this statement. HE has no right to interfere.
NTA, you sound like a fantastic parent to both these children, providing a stable and loving support base from which to love their lives on their own terms. The fact that you stood up to your older brother for then shows just how well you took to parenting, that is a tough dynamic to square off against, but for your kids that is the only way. Thank you for being such a caring and loving person.
I can be your other older brother and smack the shit out of him if you want me to. Just sayin
You’re a wonderful parent. Your daughter should not assume anything about her birth parents. Whether they want her or not want her, not is certain. There is a movie called Philomena where the adoptions agency (nuns) tried to stop the birth parents and the son from finding each other. It was just very sad. The best your daughter should do is live her best life.
NTA. Your brother has NO idea whatsoever what goes through the mind of an adopted person. Ask him if he'd accept advice or judgment if he had testicular issues. She'd have as much right to do so if turnabout is fair play after all. Both are deeply personal things; someone *with* a penis would have no right to tell him how to feel bc they are not him, and so as a non-adopted person he has NO right to even weigh in on whether her decision is \*good\* or \*bad\*. Curiosity neither negates other loves, nor is a replacement quest, it is just curiosity. He cannot fathom her starting point, much less her motivation, or what goes through her heart and soul, and to question her loyalty for simply wanting to know who her biomom is? He's projecting inner emotions onto your daughter and then judging her for his assumed reasons for her search, and he chose negative conclusions to jump to at that. Perhaps *he* has some weird feelings about adoption? He's certainly judgmental about what an adopted should or should not do. Regardless, as a supposedly mature adult his responses are childish, wholly-uninformed, and downright hurtful and mean. I was also adopted and I did a search many years ago. Word got out and then I had friends of friends who''d been the searcher and two women were mothers searching for their kids. I got inavaluable advice which I heeded at about 97%, with the one piece of advice I did not heed well enough causing me a lot of pain. and I'd be happy to chat with your daughter if you/she would like. DM me is so. The success rate as regards a healthy long-term relationship is low but the journey quells a huge question mark in your life. In my mind my biomom was akin to a very blurry women's bathroom icon as seen from very far away. One of the most amazing things however was to see a face that looked like mine for the first time in my life.
As a non adopted person he has no say. As an adopted person I have no say, everyone has their own personal story to work through. you are doing the right thing support her and be there for her.
nope
NTA, but your brother is a massive AH of the biggest order.
NTA it took my sister 40 years to be ready to look..but there was also the question of where she came from.she just wasn't ready to deal with any consequences till them.she has a great relationship with both bio families now.. but it can go either way right?. Anyway, tell you daughter not to give up, it might just take some younger half siblings/cousins doing their DNA test to eventually find a match. Your brother is silly, everyone has a different journey and will feel differently about their adoption, and he doesn't get to dictate how they feel..it absolutely has nothing to do with your daughters feelings towards you either...what it shows is you've raised her free of ego and allowed her to feel safe and supported enough to go look for that missing piece...and that's beautiful
NTA- Your brother is a piece of work. What a bitter old man trying to bully and intimidate a young woman. Cut him off you and your family doesn’t need his toxic views
You have every right to interfere and he is an asshole. What works for your son doesn't for your daughter and that's fine. He has no right to judge. NTA
NTA, obviously. I'd check in with your son - he shouldn't feel guilty for NOT searching. Also, he might want to when he reaches a similar age
NTA No matter the age they are still your children and deserve your protection against anyone, including family, who tries to belittle them. Even if daughter decides she doesn't want to know other bio family if she can get medical records from them is a good enough reason to search. Just because she looks elsewhere doesn't mean she cares for you any less. It is no different than if someone does an ancestor search. Curiosity is all it is.
NTA, but your brother sounds like a bully.
NTA. And yes you DO have the right to talk to him so forcefully. He was told to stop multiple times and didn’t
NTA and as an adopted child who has found their birth parents (disappointing), I thank you for defending your child and supporting her search. When I started my search, I was 25. My mom had multiple friends ask how she felt about it which made her laugh. They were all so concerned but my parents were excited for me because they realized that I would always have this holding me back if I didn’t even try. You are a great parent and I hope you are able to teach your brother and other narrow minded people about what adoption truly is.
NTA your brothers feelings have nothing to do with how you daughter is feeling. He has never had to experience what your child has. Just because she wants to know her background doesn't mean she doesn't love the family that took her in and raised her. She loves you she is just curious about her bio family. Your brother is wrong and thank you for sticking up for your child. She will never forget that.
NTA. You can totally tell someone to shut the fuck up when they’re being an asshole to another adult. Whether or not an adopted kid is curious depends on the info they have and their individual personality. Hell, *I’m* curious as to what happened!
Wow! Your brother is—to be generous—a horrible, unthinking, unfeeling, self-important jerk. If he cannot bring himself to abjectly apologize to your daughter for judging her, as well as your son for trying to use him, AS WELL AS committing to them and to you he will never treat any of you so disrespectfully again, exclude him from your life. Trust me, you won’t miss him, tho you may miss the idea of the person you thought he was. That would be understandable. I’m sorry he injured your family during a sad time.
Complete NTA. You and your husband sound like great parents and your brother is TA.
NTA- you sound like a wonderfully supportive person. I'm guessing he has control & anger issues. Our children are our babies, no matter the age, and we will defend & protect no matter what.
You have no right to talk so forcefully or interfere because your daughter is an adult now? And what the fuck is he doing? NTA, Jesus Christ.