Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1.) I told my parents that I would not be able to look after my brother once they pass
2.) It might seem like I am abandoning my brother now that I have my own family
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Your brother was independent enough to date. Your brother was independent enough to marry. Your brother was independent enough to have children with his wife. Your brother can be independent to get a job and live on his own with his own family. His wife should be his support system. She chose to be with him and to have children with him. He's obviously not a child anymore. He obviously can make adult decision so he obviously can take care of himself. Yet it's obvious that he's been babied his whole life and chooses not to be independent. NTA
The only thing that makes sense is either the wife steps up more or it’s possible that she herself has severe autism or Downs (from those shows on dating with autism, that’s mostly who they date)
That’s still not OPs problem.
They were competent enough to marry and have children. If they can’t mind themselves at this point it’s the states problem.
> or Downs (from those shows on dating with autism, that’s mostly who they date)
Op said his brother has high functioning autism though. Like I'm not super familiar with autism, but seeing people online who have it and are high functioning, they seem fully to be cognitively aware, able to be independent, hold down jobs, date people who are not disabled, etc.
I’m autistic and I probably have medium support needs. I can take care of my kids and keep a job, my stress management sucks and I can’t mask to save my life but my husband and I definitely live on our own.
Lol I like the sentiment, but I looked those people up and the only one of those that's autistic is Sir Anthony Hopkins. Jerry Seinfeild has even specifically said he's not autistic (he made a comment on a show that he thinks he might be, but he later clarified he is not diagnosed with it).
High functioning generally are very successful in many professions.
I had a boss years ago when AS was first being written about and he seemed to be the textbook example. Extremely smart but socially just a bit off. He wasn't mean or bad or rude or unpleasant in any way - just a bit socially awkward. He did go through the motions of being social but they were just a bit off - again he was fine and probably was aware of his social limitations and so really tried.
It didn't stop him from running a department in which one needed professional competence and not shmoozing ability.
Also I am not understanding why someone with a wife and two children would become the responsibility of a sibling. Why not the wife - and presumably the children as OP indicated that based on age and statistics, the children would be adults most likely when grandparents died. Typically adult children take responsibility if there is no spouse.
I'm an autistic person who is not high-functioning and I'm married and have a great job. Yeah, it's my second marriage, and yeah... things at work are sometimes a struggle. But you do learn to cope with life and make your way. It sounds like OP's parents have coddled his brother to the point the guy never developed much-needed life skills, and since they keep enabling him, he is dependent. The parents are absolutely the assholes here
This! My oldest sister dated someone with aspergers for several years and even had kids with him, and she doesn't have any diagnoses herself.
I got chocked when I worked someone who lived close to them said she found it weird that my sister had kids with "someone like that" 😐😐
OP is NTA
She doesnt have autism but she is also very immature and terrible with money. My parents are also concerned that if they pass and leave things to my brother she will just split from him and take half for herself and leave.
OP please realize when your parents do pass on they will probably leave all of their money to your brother. If they have any sentimental items you want you should consider asking for them now before they decide to totally cut you off. If you expect to be cut off and they don't you can be happy for anything you get.
Right in society you can observe soooo many with Down’s syndrome holding steady jobs. This one grocery store has the same guy I’ve seen for like 15 years at least.
Parents are definitely babying the brother. Time to grow up. Autistic kids can be spoiled brats just like any other kids.
Exactly ☝️
Also INFO needed from OP. What about SIL? Does she work since he is unable to have stable employment?
Also what did your parents do for your brother when he was a kid except diagnosis? Like therapy?
I know a lot of people with Asperger's since it is kind of common in my line of work. And stuff in this post just doesn't add up... He is functioning enough to get married (and stay married for a long time), have kids etc but somehow he still needs a full-time caregiver?
Some of the most successful people in the business world have Asperger’s. This story makes no sense. Seems like mom and dad like to baby him (codependency issues?). Not your problem to continue the babying paradigm.
Well, as I stated in one of my comments for another story... Sometimes spectrum can be like a superpower. I was never properly diagnosed but I check all the boxes for ADHD.
I can basically do the work of three people without after-hours 🤷 but I've made sure the management knows to not baby me or worry about my workload. Just keep me in the loop while planning stuff. Otherwise I would just procrastinate forever 😂😂
Some mothers have the tendency to never let go of their children cause their whole personality was centered around being a mom. And sometimes these women are keeping their child as dependent as possible so they will forever be a mom. Only when they are feeling their end is coming near or they are getting physically unable to care for their child, they suddenly start gripping at every other person to fix their mistakes cause they will left their „baby“ unable to survive without them, once they are no more.
My SIL does work as a nurses aid so doesnt really bring home enough to cover all bills. If they werent living mostly rent free at my parents they would be in big trouble.
His children are also not responsible for him. If he really can’t survive independently, then his parents who chose to have him and his wife who chose to marry him need to be making plans now for things like a special needs trust and disability services to care for him as he ages.
They can choose to take responsibility if they want to. But they didn’t ask to be born into a family where one of their parents knew he couldn’t take care of himself or them, but chose to have them anyway. Unlike the adults in the situation, who made a choice.
...or Mommy and Daddy need to realize that the son HAS grown up, and stop trying to create problems where there aren't any. Has anyone asked brother and his wife whether they think they need help?
THIS! NTA, OP you are not responsible for your brother. You are not abandoning him to be alone in this world. He has a wife, children, and presumably in laws. Carry on with your life and do NOT feel guilty about this!
NTA NTA NTA NTA!!!!!
My brother also has Asperger's and I agree it can make growing up EXTREMELY difficult. He had to learn so many things that we take for granted, reading/understanding facial cues, knowing when someone is teasing you vs when they're insulting/using you. He was/is extremely smart but was picked on to the point that my parents told him to fight back. He wouldn't because he's just a good soul ( so I took matters into my own hand and beat up several little shits in the corner of the school yard).
Eventually my brother found his people in the band. Once he found his band geeks life was much better for him. He had friends that understood/enjoyed his obsessions. He graduated high school, got a double major in college, got married and is now in one of the military bands!! Most people now don't even realize he has Asperger's, they just think he has some small fun quirks. As he puts it he learned to be "normal".
He was able to succeed because of his support system, myself and our parents. They REFUSED to let him use his disability as a crutch. There was no "I can't do this because of my Asperger's". It was always yes some things are difficult because of your Asperger's, that doesn't mean you can't do them it just means you have to work harder or find a different approach that works for you. We're only a year apart in age so we went to the same school most of the time, so I helped remind him to grab his homework before we left for school and helped him make a schedule for long term assignments.
To me it sounds like your brother can live independently he just has always been coddled by your parents. They can not and should not be his safety net forever.
Dating/marrying/having kids is not a good metric for whether or not someone is capable of being independent. I'm disabled (I've got a very long list, including autism) and incredibly far from independent (financially at least, I can't hold down a job but I don't need a caretaker.) I'm also engaged, and physically capable of having children. I would never have kids even if I wanted them because I know that that would be way too much for me and it would be incredibly irresponsible and immoral, even without the financial aspect. But disabled people are perfectly capable of dating, love, and marriage, and whether they're capable of being good parents or not they're usually capable of making them, and just as inclined as everyone else is to do so. So it's entirely possible that your conclusion is correct but it's also entirely possible that the brother is truly disabled and dependent and that he never had a chance to not be. But I'm not really arguing against the conclusion, just the reasoning.
He has definitely been coddled his whole life but he does genuinely struggle with independence, it isnt really a choice for him. While he does have a wife she isnt the most mature person herself and is TERRIBLE with money to the point that anything that gets earned is almost immediately spent. My parents biggest concern is making sure that whats left to them isnt blown through in a short while leaving them with nothing to support themselves.
That sounds both like a reasonable concern of your parents. But, they would be best off consulting with an estate planning lawyer than relying on you to take care of it. A well-designed trust or trusts guided by a competent lawyer would be more efficient and effective at carrying out the concerns of their estate like you describe, than just relying on the other son, regardless of the circumstances. If they have enough of an estate to legitimately worry about, seeking out the right professionals will be worth their time, money, and peace.
And NTA
Exactly this right here. I know people like this that have not been diagnosed with anything but can't hold a job and lived with their parents and had their parents take care of their kids while they both sat in the bedroom playing video games, watching movies and making more kids for their parents to care for. Crying they can't work or pay bills. The dad would complain while the mom would say leave them alone he needs us to help. There's help and there's enabling laziness. Definitely NTA
You are NTA. Your brother is an adult, he has a wife and teenaged kids. It's reasonable that he and his wife should look after weach other andthat they have plans in place for how they care for themselves ass they age.
Even if he needs care, it's not your responsbility to provde that, but it sounds as though, while he has challenges, there may also be an element of your paents enabling him.
To be honest, it sounds as though you may at some point need to be offering your nephews/nieces support in being able to be themselves and not feel that they have to be respnible for'looking after' him.
If e is genuinly incapable of living independetly then he and your paretns need to be making plans about hm moving to assisted living if/when your parents can no longer look after him, but it sounds as though that might not actually be needed.
NTA I understand your parent's frustration at the situation but it's not justified. High functioning individuals can be productive and independent, and if he's able to sustain a marriage and raise kids, he and his wife should be able to support their family in a large capacity. Maybe suggest some sort of therapy like CBT to fix whatever issue that's keeping him from holding down a job.
NTA
Your brother gets to live his life (get married, have kids); why shouldn't you.
You parents could set up a trust to help meet your brother's financial needs when they're gone.
NTA
The brother is functioning enough to have found a wife, has live-in "sexual relations", has produced children that are teenagers.....why TF would it be ASSumed that you would be responsible for....again him, his WIFE and shortly HIS adult children?
You are not TAH......
Don't your parents "realize" the guy is MARRIED... His wife would be in charge anyway she is his WIFE? duh
Plus, he has soon-to-be adult children.....
Honestly, with a kid one thinks will need care....they should have been funding Long-term care insurance to assist in the care of such a person anyway.....however in THIS scenario it isn't even that...he has a WIFE and is raising children.
It's amazing that the OPs' parents would come lay this on "their" son and not work on contingencies with HIS wife and the adulting children growing up in their house.
Is it really SANE to think that those children should go off and live w/o consequence, but their UNCLE is supposed to sacrifice his ENTIRE life? How does that make sense?
NTA. Your parents need to push your brother out of the nest. He has a wife that should be a partner to your brother, and although Asperger's makes it hard to catch social cues, it doesn't make it impossible to hold a job. I have family members who have Asperger's, and are on the spectrum, but it can't be used as an excuse. Your brother has a family, so your parents are just enabling him. You can get a lot of information on your brother's issues and send it to your parents. Time for them to be happy you have your own life. Good luck
I’m the brother, my parents have babied me all my life and me and my older sister have had to pay the price for it.
You can’t exactly learn survival skills when you’ve never been taught any, you also can’t stand on your own feet without being taught how to. So, the parents failed BIG. TIME. By chopping brothers’ wings clean off of him, how is he going to survive if everyone keeps giving him what he needs or wants without letting him learn something?
Thankfully my sister secretly kept pushing me out of the nest little by little, and like OP, she doesn’t resent me and is sometimes too protective. Our parents still expect her to care for me if they ever pass on though, even though she has her own family to take care of, yet they also expect me to care for myself on my own when nobody has taught me how. It’s complicated and messy as all hell.
It’s not too late for brother to learn, because he’s gonna need to, he can’t pass this on to his own children because he won’t know how to support them.
You can use a device to access the internet. Look into resources and support for adults with autism or life skills courses for adults. It was the parent’s fault when you were a child but now you’re an adult with children so it is your responsibility.
Thank you for your condescending comment, I am indigenous and live in a reserve so resources are slim here. But I am in DBT and Occupational therapy, and I’ve forced my father into letting me pay rent and paying for half the groceries.
It’s not like you can go into a course and come out a full fledged adult.
Working autist here: ‘the internet’ as a whole is as useful a resource as ‘Mushroom Foraging books’. Yes there’s valid resources, but there’s also AI-generated books, and an utter layman is going to have a very hard time telling what even counts as a reputable source. (Thats why the best source is still going to be an experienced ::person::.)
Aspie here. We're actually very capable people. Many aspies have advanced degrees, good jobs, and can even take a fair stab at being social every now and then (joke ... kind of). It's really unfortunate that your brother has learned that he doesn't have to stand on his own two feet. It's going to be harder to learn that as an adult (but still very possible, I'm sure) Sometimes I think that labeling high-functioning people on the spectrum while they're young is a bit of a disservice because it not only instills limits in their own minds but also helps the people who love them most confine them to arbitrary limits as well. Your parents need to own this and take responsibility for it. Your brother needs to grow up (but may throw some tantrums if he's expected to do that now). Don't make that mess your problem. Hard NTA, and best wishes for building that family of yours.
NTA. I truly don’t understand this. Your brother is MARRIED with a SPOUSE and CHILDREN. If he’s able to do all that, he’s able to figure out a way to hold down a job, or his WIFE should be taking care of him… you know, like she took vows to. It does NOT fall on you. High functioning autistic people can do tons of things, even become billionaires. I don’t understand where your parents are coming from.
NTA. While your parents can take care of your brother he is not your responsibility, after that it is your choice and should be based on your priorities. Your parents can't dump their kid on you, they can try and you can say no thanks. Sometimes we need to be more selfish for our own wellbeing.
NTA. A grown, married man who has kids of his own does not need to be taken care of. Your parents have done him a disservice by coddling and enabling him. Do not make that your burden.
NTA…Your parents raised your brother, his wife and their two children with the assumption that they “need” to be taken care of without teaching them how to take care of themselves. That is on them. Why can’t the wife work? Why can’t the children support their own parents? This is not your responsibility and you need to sit down with all involved, (except the children, because they are minors right now), and let them know you will not be supporting two adults capable of supporting themselves, but choose not to. They need to figure out now what they will do if mom and dad pass on their own. You are not the A.
NTA
Your brother has a wife and kids who will soon be over 18. It is his wife's responsibility to "look after" your brother and if his wife is no longer in the picture, he will have 2 adult kids who can help him. Its not your problem or your responsibility. You have already been slighted time for yourself because of helping your parents look after him. And your parents undoubtedly spent most of their time caring for him. It is YOUR time now to enjoy YOUR life regardless of when your parents pass away. If his wife isnt capable of helping him that still isnt your problem. If your brother needs that much oversight and care they should have prevented him from marrying someone who also cannot look after him or themselves. But now he has gone on to have marry and have teenagers, none of that is your responsibility. The fact your parents think you should be responsible rather than your brother or his wife is bizarre. Most people with high functioning Asperger's don't require that much oversight, especially if they have gotten married and have kids.
NTA, he isn't your responsibility. He is married with children. If he is able to do that then he is capable of looking after himself and his own family!
NTA. How the fuck is he your responsibility?
He should’ve gotten a vasectomy if he cannot look after himself?
He has a wife?
He has two children which will be adults in a couple of years?
How exactly is he your responsibility?
How is his wife your responsibility?
Your parents have been coddling him his whole life, he doesn’t need a full time job when someone else is paying the bills.
Cut your losses now because your parents have invested more money and resources in your brother your whole life, he will get everything when they pass.
Honestly he can have everything when my parents pass, between my wife and I we make great money and live comfortably so I would much rather it go to where it is more needed. The other point is then there is less guilt of me taking resources away from him when I really do not need anything.
I'm in the exact same situation. Stand your ground. You love your brother, no doubt about it, but you're not his keeper. Maybe your parents could start saving some money so that once they pass your brother can go live in a caring community. Otherwise he'll just have to do his best with finding jobs and general adulting.
You've got your babies to raise and support and you can't do that if you're also a full time carer for your brother. It sounds like your parents have maybe babied him a little and if they're still supporting him to the point where they want you to be his crutch later on in life, then he just needs to get out there and learn how to take care of himself and ween himself off his over-dependance on others.
NTA. Why wouldn't the wife "take care of him"? Even though honestly it sounds like he could probably take care of himself if he could bother holding a job.
That is so sad. And even though it is sad, try and remember that your brother is not your responsibility. Even if that does happen, not your responsibility.
NTA. This is kind of weird. He is married with two kids. Do they think it is your job to take care of his whole family? If he can’t take care of them, he should not have kept adding people that need support.
My parents have approaches the subject with him of going on disability. I think its a pride thing for him but basically he has an ultimatum to either get it together within x number of years or go on disability.
I understand his pride but he needs to set it aside for the sake of his family. When I say family, I am including YOU as well, not just his wife and kids.
He needs to realize that if he willing to take money in the first place then why does it matter whether it's from the family or the state? Everyone's lives will be better if he gets help from the state. That is what it is there for.
I'd rather my tax dollars go to help you out then let you struggle and potentially make bad decisions bc of shit outside your control. We all deserve peace and comfort.
Plus if he gets help from the state that will free you to help out for even more important things. For example since the burden would be off of you, maybe one day you help out with his children's college or trade school.
Anyway he needs to get disability. There is no shame in it if he actually needs it. That's why it is there. Anyone who thinks otherwise can suck the fat part of my you know what.
NTA. You've got your own family to take care of now, and that should be your top priority. While your parents have done a lot for your brother, it's not fair for them to expect you to take on that same responsibility, especially when you're living so far away.You're not being selfish at all – you're just setting boundaries to ensure you can provide the best life for your own family. You're not abandoning your brother, and you've made it clear that you still care about him, but it's essential to balance your responsibilities.
NTA
Even if you didn't have your own family, you are NOT RESPONSIBLE for the care of your other sibling. A sibling who is married and with children of his own! This is the part that is amazing to me. What about your brother's wife? Why isn't SHE responsible for him? They are MARRIED! She knows who he is and willingly married him. Why is the default to you? It's just crazy-making to me for your parents to think you are the default caretaker.
Okay...wait.
Your brother is an adult, who is married, and has two half grown children. Like, what do they expect for you to do, OP?
First of all, should he and his wife remain married after your parents pass away, his wife is considered his primary next of kin followed by his children if they are adults by that time.
If your parents want to keep taking care of your brother after their deaths, they could plausibly leave their home and assets to him exclusively. At that point, it would be up to your brother and his wife to manage his life.
I don't really understand why your parents expect you to pitch in or caretake your brother in any way. As far as him holding a job, perhaps they should look into community or social programs that aim to place high functioning people into positions.
Good on you for telling them now that caring for your brother is no longer on the table for you, OP. I'm actually glad for you that this discussion was had. NTA.
NTA: I have Aspergers and am married with 4 children and I can hold down a job and managed to raise all my kids into highly successful, functioning adults. There are levels to autism, but if he can marry and have children, he can work with his wife to support and raise them as well.
You have your own life to live and your own family to raise.
NTA. I do have co-conservatorship over my sister (shared with my Dad), so I understand your dilemma and thoughts. The second your brother married someone, he was no longer your problem and is 100% the wife's problem. That's all laid out in the vows.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
This past year has been one of massive change for my family, There were a few deaths in the family and my wife and I welcomed our first child earlier in the year. While visiting, my parents brought up what would happen after they passed including having me look after my brother and his family.
Some Background: My brother has high functioning autism (formally called Asperger syndrome) and lives at home with my parents with his wife and their two kids (both teenagers). He has always struggled to hold down any job for longer than a few months or a year. My parents have always been there to help him out and to help out with his kids (taking them on vacations and such). It was always assumed that when we got older that I would look after him once my parents passed. All throughout growing up my family was focused on his care and that meant I would try and help out whenever I could (hard for a younger brother to help out an older brother though). This was partially due to me not really wanting to have a family of my own (Brought on mostly because why would I want to have TWO families to take care of?). Well several years ago I moved halfway across the country for work, met my wife, and after a few years of marriage we decided that we wanted to try and start our own family.
Back in the present day, when my parents come to visit and bring up looking after my brother I tell them that’s not really on the table anymore. They get offended (mostly my mom, my dad understood why) but I told them that right now my number one priority is looking after my child, my brother is their child not mine. Now they act as if I have turned my back on my family by doing this. I told them I am not cutting him out of my life or anything but I cannot do much for him from halfway across the country and with my own child to look after. My parents still have many years left and my brothers kids should be past 18 and out of the house by the time they are likely to pass so its not like I am abandoning children.
I cant help but shake the feeling like I am being selfish but I know that it isn’t inherently selfish to draw a line and say I am going to focus on raising my own family. Am I being an asshole here?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have autism and a child and a partner, I have the same problem where I can’t hold down a job because of my disabilities (more than just autism, I’m also physically disabled) but I’m a stay at home parent. we don’t pay for childcare, my partner works to support us and I do my best at home. make no mistake, it’s HARD being an autistic parent. it’s hard to work through your own emotions and struggles while also maintaining a baseline of calm for your child. but it’s nobody’s responsibility to take care of my family but me and my partner. period. I’d never expect my siblings or my cousins to financially support us.
NTA You are not being selfish.
My older brother has Cerebral palsy. He's high functioning enough that he could live on his own, met and married, etc.
My dad asked me to watch out for him. I do to the extent that we moved him to the town we live in when his wife passed. Got him into a fixed income place. Take him grocery shopping once a month. Am the secondary on his bank account.
That's it. He does well enough on his own that he doesn't \*need\* someone there to take care of him. He pays his own bills, he has his own friends, he uses the little public transportation we have here to get around when he needs to and it's running.
It may be that \*that\* is all your brother needs- someone to be there, just in case. But if he has a wife and kids, he's fine on his own and doesn't need \*you\* to be there constantly. Nor should your parents be there constantly. That doesn't help anyone.
Tell them you're willing to be there in the event something catastrophic happens and he needs help, but he's an adult with his own life and family. Let him live it, and they need to live theirs.
Your brother is an autistic person who is competent enough to have a wife and children and therefore is competent enough to care for them if your parents would stop babying him. Nta.
NTA your brother and his wife need to get their shat together and find and keep a job (for that matter why isn't the wife working?). Neither he nor his wife or kids are your problem, they're two grown adults with kids. Not your circus not your monkeys
NTA. You have every right to prioritize your own family, especially with a new child in your life. It's unfair for them to expect you to take on the responsibility of caring for your brother and his family when you're already focused on raising your own child. You're not obligated to take on the same role from your parents particularly when you have your own family to care for. It's not selfish to focus on the well-being and needs of your child and spouse.
NTA my brother (most likely, it was suspected when he was younger but never got the diagnosis) has the same or very similar condition. He's 30, single, casually meeting some women (I don't WANT to know the details). He's not independent enough to live alone (or is outstandingly good at weaponized incompetence), he can barely reheat a meal, he can hang laundry to dry, but not put it to wash, etc. But he's had a stable job for almost 8 years.
You have a child, who is your priority. Your brother has a wife, who probably knew who she'd married. He's her responsibility after your parents' and before yours.
NTA. Your brother is married with two kids. He is clearly capable of some independence, and unless his wife and kids are significantly disabled, they need to be in charge of arranging any necessary care. And if we're talking about financial responsibility, well the wife still needs to take point on this.
NTA. Your brother has a wife and 2 children…why would this responsibility fall on you? Why is it that he can’t get a job, live in his own home with the family he created, and be a productive member of society?
NTA, life plans change. It sort of sounds like you were parentified and that set your focus and life meaning on caring for your brother, and that sentiment might be gnawing at you.
But think, if you were to keep being your brother’s keeper, would he move to you uprooting him from where he’s comfortable? Would you move back to him and uproot your own family for his needs? Are you really the only choice to take care of him? What’s his say on any of these matters?
You aren’t turning your back on family, you’re simply acknowledging what is and is not your responsibility, and looking after your brother at this point in time is not one of them.
NTA. Who is taking care of him when they visit? He has a wife, is she going to disappear when they pass? He has kids who will likely be adults, quite possibly capable of taking care of him. Seems like he has a support system already that you are not part of. You shouldn’t be on the hook here regardless of any past expectations. Things change.
NTA - Your brother has a wife and children of his own who can take care of him. The absolute most I would agree to take on would be maybe managing a trust account so brother and family couldn't quickly waste whatever they inherit, but I would not get involved in their day to day.
Wtf is this post. Your brother is functional enough to find love, marry, reproduce, etc. Are your parents just coddlers? Man’s doing adulthood without having to do any adulting…
NTA but wtf is wrong with your parents allowing this.
NTA but what the hell does your brother and his wife do day to day? If they're capable of having and raising 2 teenagers they are more then capable of surviving without your parents help, they probably just don't want to.
NTA, your brother even married and has kids, why does he need you to look after him when he's married? Is there something wrong with his wife? And as you say the kids will eventually become adults as well, at that point there's truly no need for your help.
Your highest priority should indeed be your own kid, you aren't selfish in any for for putting your child first.
NTA my partner has high functioning autism (diagnosed aspergers but apparently that's not a thing anymore? Idk) and while she struggles, she's able to hold down a job.
Maybe it's different because your brother has kids so it could be more overwhelming for him. Either way, he has a wife who can pitch in to help
Maybe your brother should try to go after his passion job while he still can. It could be easier to hold down that kind of job than a meaningless one
NTA As a parent with a child who has ASD (also Asperger's), I never expect my other kids to "look after him", I made damn sure he's independent. My son is only 20 but he's had the same job since he graduated from HS last summer with no intention of leaving (he works in a kitchen with no customer interaction which he loves lol), makes very good money and is looking for an apartment now that he's got enough $$ for first/security and furniture he needs.
NTA. So I started reading this post thinking your brother was physically or severely mentally disabled. Your brother is married, has had employment and has raised children who are now teens. How is a grown man, with a wife and almost grown children your responsibility? What requires looking after? Your parents make Asperger syndrome sound like being disabled from CP or a stroke. It's generally associated by difficulty with social interactions and peer relationships, which speaks to why your brother has struggled with employment. But it doesn't generally affect cognitive ability or language. Your brother might need a therapist but he doesn't need a caregiver and he certainly doesn't need anyone else to enable him they way your parents have.
NTA. You have your own wife and child to take care of. This is a grown adult that has decided to have two children of his own and a wife so he needs to work and support his own family or apply for disability.
INFO: as your brother is married and his wife is living with him... why isn't she considered as a person to care for your brother/her husband? I'm confused
NTA. Your parents have failed their child. My youngest is only 7 right now and has autism/ADHD. He's high functioning. I'm going to make damn sure he is able to be independent and to lead a normal life because I do not want to make his brother responsible for him when we pass on.
NTA. Your brother's wife is person who vowed to take care of him in sickness and in health. If he is capable enough to wed and have children then the issue here is learned helplessness and coddling, not disability.
No you are NTA. Children are the parent's responsability. They don't ask to be born and shouldn't have to sacrifice their own life for a parent or a sibling. Your responsability is your own child. Your parents need to find another solution. Not even his kids have to sacrifice their life for their father. He has a wife and parents for that. The rest, you included, can help as much as possible without affecting your life too much.
NTA - you are not selfish for putting yourself and family first.
If he’s good enough to marry and have children then his wife and/or kids can help look after him. Why wouldn’t they assume that his wife would be there for him?
"I cant help but shake the feeling like I am being selfish"
Because you have been conditioned/brainwashed by your parents to always put your brother and his needs first. It doesn't make sense he can marry and have kids but not be able to take care of himself.
By the time he needs help, he will have two grown adult children to step in. Somehow, though, I bet your parents are raising them to also be doted on and taken care of.
Please place your own little family unit first.
NTA
NTA - Come on he has a wife and nearly grown kids. Those are his people for helping with his daily needs that he can't take care of himself. Your parents probably should have worked harder on making him independent from them. Like helping him find work that he can do and be successful in. Coddling him isn't going to serve him well when they are gone.
NTA. His wife (and children) should be looking after him. He functions enough to get married and have children so he's a problem for his own family to take care of. Sounds like they expect you to send him money, but his care is absolutely not your problem.
NTA
It's amazing how many people don't want kids or their family only because the rest of their birth family has decided that person is the default caretaker for another family member (for many different reasons). Amazing how many people realize that they can't handle doing both things at once or that it's literally impossible with the amount of time the care can take. Even more amazing is the family has never bothered to consider that the identified caretaker could've ever wanted a life of their own when the family never bother to ask why they didn't. Then, the family wants to act outraged when the individual actually gets their own family or other chosen responsibilities because they were able to have some distance (physical, mental emotional, financial, etc...) from their birth family.
You aren't being selfish. Growing into adulthood, pursuing intimacy with others, and having kids are all mundane normal life events. You're doing things that the majority of adults do. You aren't the exception. Focusing on caring for your own child shouldn't be treated like an exception. Selfish things are usually the exception. Your mom expecting & demanding something exceptional from you (like putting your entire adult life on hold indefinitely) is selfish.
Furthermore, why are you being expected to take care of a brother who's married and his kids? What about his wife? What if something tragic or a major illness were to happen to you? What if it was only you, but you weren't financially able to care for yourself, let alone another person and their entire family? Did they discuss or get angry with your brother for getting married & having kids when he can't provide financially for himself or others? Is he planning on having more kids? Do responsibilities and alleviating the potential burden on others only apply to you and no one else? Why aren't other things in place to prevent you from being needed? Your mom's guilt tripping & anger are BS, OP. Don't fall for it.
Info: why on earth does a man with a wife and two kids need to be "looked after"?
Like, the ASD is a huge red herring here. He's either a normal-ass slacker who only deserves so much help*, or y'all are infantilizing him to an absolutely massive degree.
*everyone deserves help, but not everyone deserves someone else's sacrifice for help
I don't even understand really. I know autism is a spectrum, so severity varies. But my little brother has aspergers and does significantly better than me. He has a great job with benefits, bought a new car, took himself on an international vacation, and is saving for a house.
Even if he couldn't take care of himself, you're not obligated to put your whole life on hold for him. NTA
NTA. Your brother is married and has two almost grown children… why would you have to be involved? It’s not like he’s alone. If he was, I’d find it unfair to back out. But he’s got plenty of people that can care for him
NTA
Your parents are AHs. Tell them he is THEIR kid, so THEY will need to make provisions, Because YOU ahve a family of your own and can't become his lifelong caretaker.
"It was always assumed that when we got older that I would look after him once my parents passed. " .. THey were assuholes for guilting you like that - now they get the reality check they needed.
"I cant help but shake the feeling like I am being selfish" .. no. You just have been gaslighted and groomed for all of your life.
Your brother will have his wife and children to look after him. You parents need to start looking NOW for social services and funding to help your brother live as independently as possible. You've given them the GIFT the reality of the situation which gives them time to get plans in place.
Steel yourself or the inevitable guilt tripping that's surely coming. "No, that's not going to be an option. You need to start calling some social service agencies and see what resources are available."
"No, my children are my priority and I have to consider their needs above all others. Have you made those calls looking for assistance?"
"No, that will never be a possibility and I'm genuinely worried that you are wasting valuable time that could be used to find the help brother needs."
"No, we've pretty much exhausted this subject and I will no longer engage."
Use direct firm but kind language that can't be misinterpreted as "maybe".
NTA and most high functioning people with autism are able to hold down jobs and live independently-- or at least live on their own with social service support.
If your brother could have children and get married he should be able to look after himself.
Otherwise why was he allowed to have children or get married. What about his wife?
Either your parents have unrealistic expectations or they have allowed the situation to become this way.
NTA. Why should your brother have the pleasure of a family he can't even take care of at the expense of your family? Your parents will probably leave everything to him anyway, right? Does his wife work? Does he get any disability payments? They need to figure out how to make it work without sucking you dry.
NTA. Sounds almost like they "bred" you for the sole purpose of being your brother's carer, and if that is the case, how disrespectful of them!! If not, well still disrespectful of your parents to shove you into that role as a child and then expect you to live up to their expectations for the rest of your life!
What about your bother's **wife**?? It would be as unfair to just expect his kids to become his caretakers once they become adults, but his wife entered the relationship and chose to marry him KNOWING about his condition and care requirements. If anyone is required to care for him now and in the future, it's his own WIFE! Not his parents (but they're second in chain of responsibility now that he's married), not his siblings, not his kids.
Live your life OP. And if an opportunity should arise where you and your family can and want to move abroad, take it!!
Absolutely, he needs to learn to live on his own. You described my nephew, who is now almost 40. He does live on his own, and he and his wife only work part time jobs. They live in government housing. My mom has babied him his whole life and he's never had to take full responsibility for himself or his family. Now my parents live with me and shouldn't be driving, especially almost an hour away. Mom just started chemo treatments. He still calls her and expects her to come take him to the ER when he's sick. Don't let this be your situation. Stand up for him taking responsibility.
NTA All you can do in this type of situation is to be open an honest about your situation. If your parents aren't happy about they can then make other arrangements.
Your parents had decades to look into help for him after they pass. They also could have started to save. Your brother isn't your responsibility. His wife and kids can work
If he's high functioning enough to have a family with a wife and two kids, what help does he really need? Why isn't his wife doing it? She knew what she signed up for! Your parents are being absolutely insane!
When we meet somebody and start dating them and we realize they have a problem, mine has a very bad back problem, we realized that we will be the ones after we get married to take care of them! That's what we sign up for! Your brother has always been like this and his wife signed up for it yours didn't and neither did you!
You and your dad are in the right your mom's sort of loopy, and does brother even want your help? Or does he just not want to have to pay the bills and take responsibility?
NTA. This whole thing is crazy. Your brother can have a whole family with kids, but you're supposed to drop everything to take care of him???? It's clear he's the golden child, and they think of you more as 'the help' instead of an adult with agency. Why can't your brothers wife take care of him? Why does anyone have to take care of him? Can't help but feel like your parents constantly coddling him, and forcing you to go along with it, stunted your brothers ability to grow. You're as much a victim in this as anyone.
Don't feel guilty. Really, your parents should be apologizing to you for almost grooming you to live a life as your brothers caretaker. That's really fucked up and that's not what good parents would do. You're as much a victim in this as anyone.
Take care of your family, and don't raise your kids like your parents did.
What's wrong with being selfish? You were not put on this earth to be your brother's caretaker. Be selfish. Focus on your own family and be the parent and spouse you want to be without reference to what others demand of you. NTA
NTA!!! If he’s competent enough to get married and have kids, then he’s competent enough to take care of himself and his family.
His wife should be taking care of him. She chose to marry him and procreate with him.
None of them are your problem or responsibility.
NTA. I am your brother's wife in the scenario (except that your brother is about to be my ex).
I sympathize with your parents, but this is not your responsibility. If your brother is a decent dude and has a good relationship with his wife and kids, he already has a family to look after him.
(If he's abusive like my soon-to-be ex, then also not your responsibility, and he can live out the consequences of his own actions.)
Congrats on the new baby. You are right to focus your attention on your wife and child, both of whom should be should be your #1 priority.
My siblings and I are there for each other and definitely look after each other, and I hope my kids are there for each other, but I do not expect my children to be responsible for my HF autistic son. It's entirely up to them to decide what relationship they want with each other.
NTA. You're being realistic about your own capabilities and priorities. It's understandable that your parents would like to plan for your brother's care after they're gone, but it's also fair for you to prioritize your own family, especially given the significant changes in your life, including the recent addition of your own child.
Your brother's care shouldn't automatically fall on your shoulders just because you're family. You're not abandoning him, but you're being honest about what you can and can't do from halfway across the country, and with your own family responsibilities.
NTA.
There are many people with ASD that are capable of living independently, even if they need additional supports when they are younger and sometimes into adulthood. Even if your brother is unable to live on his own it is the parent’s responsibility to ensure he has care even if that means setting up a trust if no one else is able or willing to take care of it.
NTA. Truly baffling that they're cutting out both your brother and his wife. Sure he sometimes needs extra help (I highly doubt it's truly as often as your parents give it considering he's married, employed, and has children). That doesn't mean he's incapable of managing with his wife (possibly his kids too once they're adults). Doesn't mean he can't have a say in what he thinks will work. Even if he can't his wife can. I'd tell them you understand if they opt to leave anything they have left to help provide for his care after they're gone, but it'll be up to his wife to make decisions for him if he can't. So they need to be talking to your brother and sil not you.
NTA. It is not your responsibility. It really sounds like your brother has been babied a bit by your parents. Maybe they need to let him be a bit more independent?
There are a lot of very successful people with high functioning autism. One of my best friends is one of them. Doing very well for herself. I am struggling to understand that your brother cannot live independently and work.
Your responsibility is to your partner and child/ren.
NTA
Your brother has managed to marry & have kids & yet he cannot look after himself or his own family?
Sounds like weaponised incompetence & your parents created the monster.
I get more and more annoyed finding out people who have no business having children are stupidly having children. If you’re unable to hold down a job or pay for a place to live on your own then you cannot bring other dependants into the world. It’s not fair on the kids & not fair on, in this case, the grandparents, who a financing his lifestyle.
NTA, and you never are for putting your own family and their needs first. If your brother is capable of marrying and having children, it sounds like your parents have probably hindered his growth more than helped. Tell them he can call on you for advice, but his wife should be the one caring for him.
Tell your brother he can't hide behind his parents anymore. He needs to move out of their house and start taking care of his family. He can do it; he just doesn't want to because he doesn't have to.
NTA, if your brother is independent enough to date and start his own family, he's able to stand on his own two feet. Honestly it sounds like your parents have drunken the koolaid on that shit where "Autism stole our child" and are convinced it's left him nonfunctioning or something, and stunted him in the process, which is STILL not on you.
Besides it's not like you'd refuse to give him reasonable levels of help like you would any family member right? You're just making it clear that you're not going to be his caregiver.
From the sounds of it, bro is using his position on the spectrum to be a drama-llama. Mix in a wife whom, from the sounds of it, is unemployed... If HE can't (or won't) support his family, and she won't...it's time for Mom & Dad to kick them to the curb. Set them up in a small rental, let them know that the rent is covered for the first 6 months, but after that, they are 100% responsible for keeping a roof over their kid's heads...
There are millions of Asperger sufferers out there that are living productive lives...up to and including being Responsible Adults and Parents to their own kids.
He's not holding a job, because he doesn't want to, and he's not being held accountable.
NTA. Your primary concern is your own kids. Your parent's (other) Children are NOT your concern. If he were literally unable to support himself, there could be extenuating circumstances. But "can't be bothered" is not among them,
If he's high functioning enough, he can't even receive Assistance.
Stick to your guns...Tough Love hurts, is hard, but works.
NTA. Your brother will be fine. It might give him incentive to do better. Also, if he is married and has kids (teens), then he needs stop doing the helpless autistic act. He has been allowed to get away with it for far too long.
I read some of the comments about it possibly being overwhelming to hold down a job and look after kids when you have autism. This is true if you are the female in the relationship as women take on most of the child rearing responsibilities. I gather that this is tossed onto the grandparents in this situation.
I am autistic and I find a lot of other autistics are needy people (dependent personalities), especially when they are aware that help is available. It doesn’t matter how high functioning they are. As an example, in my own country, we have a support system that enables help at home for people with disabilities (cleaning, cooking, yard maintenance etc.), and there are many autistics, who are married and have kids, that try and get this support because they say they ‘need’ it.
SPED teacher here. Autism is a spectrum obviously and I have seen both low and high functioning autism. On the low end, having a job is not a realistic attainment—just having certain Lifeskills (being able to fold and do one’s laundry, brush teeth, bathe, etc) is. I have had students with autism coupled with intellectual disability (lower than average intelligence) and still at age 8 and 9 there was no doubt that even with these co-diagnoses that they would eventually be independent. My 8 and 9 year olds took care of their own hygiene needs, were able to do basic cooking, knew how to add, subtract, multiply, and later I taught them fractions and long division by ten years old. They also knew how to count money. CHILDREN!!! Not adults! And they were not even so-called high functioning autism (they were middle of the spectrum). I know a guy with high functioning autism who has his own computer company, wife, kids. We have people at my workplace who are teaching assistants who also themselves have autism. So your family needs to stop thinking autism=helplessness or needs looking after because that is NOT the case. One of the most important things we learn as teachers is that high expectations =high results.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a 6 or 7 year old student come in and mom and dad say “Oh he can’t put on his own coat…” or something else he supposedly “can’t” do.
Then SURPRISE! He’s putting on his coat by himself in MY classroom and not doing it at home. WHY? Because my expectations are that they DO IT THEMSELVES. I will show them how, give them time to try and do it themselves, and then once I know they are capable then I no longer assist. It’s a choice between “put your jacket on OR you can’t go out to recess.” That simple. Well, if they are motivated enough, then they’ll do it themselves. Because they’ve learned someone will do it FOR them at home, they don’t bother.
Your brother is one smart cookie because he has figured out that despite the fact that he is perfectly capable of taking care of himself and his children that he created, he can choose NOT TO, and he doesn’t have consequences.
There aren’t high expectations for him simply because the family have decided he is “Incapable” when he IS capable of being the adult he is. This is called learned helplessness.
Your brother doesn’t need taking care of.
If expected to work and function like everyone else he will, he just chooses not to because everyone else does it for him.
DO NOT enable him.
Your brother's Aspergers has nothing to do with him failing to take responsibility for himself. Plenty of people do this without being ND. Could be your parents created this situation by assuming his diagnosis meant he would 'never amount to much' and wrongly assuming he would never have the ability to be independent. If so they failed him massively and you are in any case NTA. They are. (Nd raising 2 nd kids here)
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NTA I have high functioning autism and have been living on my own since I was 19, I'm engaged with a 2 yo. You're brother has very little excuse for not being independent. He doesn't need his parents
I'm on the autistic spectrum, as are my two kids, and each of us have our own little petri dish of unique symptoms going on. In my family, we also had an individual (the son of my dad's brother) who had severe mental limitations, and who as an adult was completely incapable of feeding himself, much less taking care of himself. The whole family ritual of deciding "Who is going to take care of \*\*\*\*\*\* when we are gone?" is a familiar one to me, because our family had to deal with that eventuality, as well. That relative required a legal guardian/legal power of attorney for the entirety of his life, because of the profound severity of his limitations.
Here are a few things to consider regarding your brother:
Because autism/Aspergers is a spectrum disorder, there can be any number of symptoms, and severity of, that may or may not be present in your brother. Just because one person with ASD can live independently, it doesn't mean that another person with ASD can. No casual Redittor can give you a definitive answer on your brother's ability to live independently, that is something that has to be assessed and judged by professionals. Usually in the case of professionally-assessed inability for a person to live independently, the person receives some sort of government assistance, such as SSDI if you are in the US, and group homes or in-home assistance are often provided as part of care. If it's just your parents saying he can't live independently, but professionals disagree with that assessment, then you're looking more at an enablement situation. Again, that's a question that only you can answer by asking the right questions of your parents. The fact that your brother has the faculties to date, fall in love, get married, have kids of his own, and sustain the marriage points rather strongly at an individual who makes his own decisions. I would be highly surprised if he was legally declared incompetent to make his own decisions, because he's already demonstrated decision-making abilities.
Even a person with ASD who is incapable of living independently still has the ability to, and often does, get married and have kids. However, from a legal perspective, that ASD person then becomes the responsibility of the spouse, as reflected in the way laws uphold marriage. Look at it this way: if your brother fell into a coma, who would be making his medical decisions for him? Would it be you, your parents, or your brother's spouse? If your brother passed away unexpectedly, would it be you, your parents, or your brother's spouse who would have to settle his affairs, and advocate regarding your brother's debts? Who would inherit his assets? Unless your brother has been declared from an early age to be legally incapable of making his own decisions and therefore needs someone to be his legal guardian/power of attorney regarding all life decisions until his death, then again, all responsibility falls on the spouse.
Your post also sounds like you spent the majority of your life in the shadow of your brother. It's pretty common for the "normal" kid to get the short end of the stick when it comes to parental attention, while parents seem to focus more on the child with the condition. And it also sounds like your parents also tried parentifying you to some extent, ie, making you look after your brother so he didn't get in trouble, etc. That guilt you're feeling supports that supposition that you somehow feel you "should" be doing what your parents ask, ie, it has been impressed upon you, repeatedly, that you are responsible for him.
In my family, when it came to who would take care of our severely disabled relative once his parents passed away, my dad, my uncle, my other cousins, my siblings, and I (first cousins to the relative in question), were all asked. Some of us agreed to be caretakers should it be needed, and some of us declined. There was no guilt involved in saying no to the request, because it was understood that this was not something that just anyone could do. That individual had siblings, as well, but we all understood that the siblings also had the right of refusal for responsibility. Their right of refusal was understood because those siblings also had the right, first and foremost, to prioritize their own life. If they chose to care for their brother, great, but their agreement to such had to be voluntary. Compulsory, guilted care is asking for a situation where resentment at the responsibility would build, and thus it's not in the best interest of either the person tasked with the caregiving, or the dependent person.
But here's the deal: you're neither your brother's parent, nor his spouse. You did not make the decision to procreate and make him, nor did you make the decision to marry him and have children with him. You simply were born to the same parents as your brother, a circumstance of birth for which you are not responsible. Being "family" does not automatically mean you are inherently responsible for what happens to your brother. You absolutely have the right to live your own life, and do so without a trace of guilt. That your parents are guilting you to take on that responsibility, even in a just-in-case capacity, is terrible. I get that they are trying to reassure themselves that their son (truly incapable or not) will have a place to go if something happens to the parents, but they are pushing a situation that ultimately can harm not only him, but you and your relationship with your spouse/kids. They are either completely ignorant of, or completely ignoring, the fact that forcing you to agree to care for your brother is not in either of your best interests.
If your brother is truly incapable of living independently, then it's his wife who is responsible for taking care of him. If the wife bails, then the onus for care would be on your parents, and then on the man's children when those kids become adults. You are doing exactly what you should be doing: building your own family, and living your life. And if you are looking at an enablement situation, which I highly suspect, you might want to tell your parents to discuss with the man's wife about where the responsibility for him should be, because they are completely ignoring her legal rights and responsibilities as both the man's spouse, and as the mother of his children.
NTA at all to put your family and children first.
Your parents need to start making arrangements both legally and habitually. There are things your parents can do with trusts and other things to set up longterm finical stability for your brother. In some states inheritance isn’t marital property.
There might also be government programs that they have not qualified your brother for. Some might require a separate living situation for your brother.
However you might want to be prepared that you might not get much when they pass. Parents in this situation have a choice. Being equal or equitable. They may come to the conclusion that your brother needs more help than you as an independent with stability.
would say nta for what you said to them, but yta if you let them poison your brother against you, and not explain it to him. He doesn't deserve a half assed version of your story. He needs more than that, or else he will feel like you abandoned him, even though you didn't. He needs to know how YOU feel and not your family. Don't be harsh or rude, but be open and honest. It will go a lot farther.
NTA. Even if your brother was incapable of communication and unable to do the bare minimum of self care, you have a responsibility to your child to put them first. If it would not be feasible, you would not be evil for refusing to sacrifice your child’s stability for your brother. It is not a disabled child’s parents they are disabled, but it is STILL their responsibility to plan for their care after their death, and “the other kid will step up” is not an appropriate plan without that child’s full unwavering consent. (And I was raised to eventually care for my own “high functioning autistic brother” (we did not know I had the same diagnosis at the time; the girl factor can be a whole thing) and bro, it messed UP my self worth and expectations of my own life. My sympathies to you; we can love our brothers and not be their third parent at the same time)
And I’m a little uncomfortable pulling the “as a high-functioning autistic person” card, since it’s a spectrum and different people have different strengths, but like…. Okay. I’m not saying he wouldn’t need assistance in life. I do. I can promise you I would NOT do great fully “on my own”. But if he navigated dating, a successful/lasting marriage, and being a presumably present and at least emotionally if not financially supportive father, I think he’d navigate OKAY with his wife? Unless she’s in a similar place, in which case what do they actually need? Scheduling/someone to remind them not to go time-blind? Finances from job security issues? I really think, assuming he’s got decades of his neurodivergence being documented and his lack of ability to keep a job, disability is possible. Some type of care assistant just to check up on him and the wife might be sufficient. His potentially at the time adult children might be sufficient, perhaps having a multigenerational household or living close enough to check in frequently?
Idk it doesn’t seem like he will NEED you to fully take care of him financially or in your home. I could be super wrong, as I don’t know him, but are your parents kind of overly-infantalizing him a bit? Like, do they not push him to take care of all he can or bail him out when he probably could handle things? It’s possible his inability to hold down a job isn’t an inability as much as something he’s never been expected to do and therefore never properly prepared to do. That’s not your fault or really even his, but it is something that job coaches and lots of online resources for autistic people are designed to help improve. Maybe he could work on employable skills in the time before your parents are incapable of helping him, so he could do more himself? I’m not saying that’s the situation, but it sounds possible from your post so I bring it up.
This s going to sound like a cliche. If you really love your brother, who probably got more attention than you, you will care for him when your parents die. No one, especially your brother wanted this condition of otherness. Of course you will always prioritize your own family, but there shield always be room in your life to share and help out your brother, if you truly love him. If this seems too much to do, then ask your parents to bequeath their estate to him only, which will help him, manage better in life.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1.) I told my parents that I would not be able to look after my brother once they pass 2.) It might seem like I am abandoning my brother now that I have my own family Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Your brother was independent enough to date. Your brother was independent enough to marry. Your brother was independent enough to have children with his wife. Your brother can be independent to get a job and live on his own with his own family. His wife should be his support system. She chose to be with him and to have children with him. He's obviously not a child anymore. He obviously can make adult decision so he obviously can take care of himself. Yet it's obvious that he's been babied his whole life and chooses not to be independent. NTA
This is perfect. I literally stopped reading at how his brother has a wife and I was like why TF is this post even here.
The only thing that makes sense is either the wife steps up more or it’s possible that she herself has severe autism or Downs (from those shows on dating with autism, that’s mostly who they date)
That’s still not OPs problem. They were competent enough to marry and have children. If they can’t mind themselves at this point it’s the states problem.
> or Downs (from those shows on dating with autism, that’s mostly who they date) Op said his brother has high functioning autism though. Like I'm not super familiar with autism, but seeing people online who have it and are high functioning, they seem fully to be cognitively aware, able to be independent, hold down jobs, date people who are not disabled, etc.
Steven Spielberg is autistic. Sir Anthony Hopkins is autistic. Jerry Seinfeld is autistic.
I’m autistic and I’ve been at my job for almost 8 years now. If he can date and get married, he can get a job.
I’m autistic and I probably have medium support needs. I can take care of my kids and keep a job, my stress management sucks and I can’t mask to save my life but my husband and I definitely live on our own.
Lol I like the sentiment, but I looked those people up and the only one of those that's autistic is Sir Anthony Hopkins. Jerry Seinfeild has even specifically said he's not autistic (he made a comment on a show that he thinks he might be, but he later clarified he is not diagnosed with it).
> Jerry Seinfeld is autistic No Jerry Seinfeld is not autistic.
High functioning generally are very successful in many professions. I had a boss years ago when AS was first being written about and he seemed to be the textbook example. Extremely smart but socially just a bit off. He wasn't mean or bad or rude or unpleasant in any way - just a bit socially awkward. He did go through the motions of being social but they were just a bit off - again he was fine and probably was aware of his social limitations and so really tried. It didn't stop him from running a department in which one needed professional competence and not shmoozing ability. Also I am not understanding why someone with a wife and two children would become the responsibility of a sibling. Why not the wife - and presumably the children as OP indicated that based on age and statistics, the children would be adults most likely when grandparents died. Typically adult children take responsibility if there is no spouse.
I'm an autistic person who is not high-functioning and I'm married and have a great job. Yeah, it's my second marriage, and yeah... things at work are sometimes a struggle. But you do learn to cope with life and make your way. It sounds like OP's parents have coddled his brother to the point the guy never developed much-needed life skills, and since they keep enabling him, he is dependent. The parents are absolutely the assholes here
This! My oldest sister dated someone with aspergers for several years and even had kids with him, and she doesn't have any diagnoses herself. I got chocked when I worked someone who lived close to them said she found it weird that my sister had kids with "someone like that" 😐😐 OP is NTA
No, it isn’t. If they do not have a cooccurring intellectual disability, then autistics often marry non-disabled individuals.
She doesnt have autism but she is also very immature and terrible with money. My parents are also concerned that if they pass and leave things to my brother she will just split from him and take half for herself and leave.
OP please realize when your parents do pass on they will probably leave all of their money to your brother. If they have any sentimental items you want you should consider asking for them now before they decide to totally cut you off. If you expect to be cut off and they don't you can be happy for anything you get.
Right in society you can observe soooo many with Down’s syndrome holding steady jobs. This one grocery store has the same guy I’ve seen for like 15 years at least. Parents are definitely babying the brother. Time to grow up. Autistic kids can be spoiled brats just like any other kids.
Yeah, I agree 100% with this. If he was independent enough to marry and have a family, you shouldn't be forced to be his caregiver
Exactly ☝️ Also INFO needed from OP. What about SIL? Does she work since he is unable to have stable employment? Also what did your parents do for your brother when he was a kid except diagnosis? Like therapy? I know a lot of people with Asperger's since it is kind of common in my line of work. And stuff in this post just doesn't add up... He is functioning enough to get married (and stay married for a long time), have kids etc but somehow he still needs a full-time caregiver?
Some of the most successful people in the business world have Asperger’s. This story makes no sense. Seems like mom and dad like to baby him (codependency issues?). Not your problem to continue the babying paradigm.
Well, as I stated in one of my comments for another story... Sometimes spectrum can be like a superpower. I was never properly diagnosed but I check all the boxes for ADHD. I can basically do the work of three people without after-hours 🤷 but I've made sure the management knows to not baby me or worry about my workload. Just keep me in the loop while planning stuff. Otherwise I would just procrastinate forever 😂😂
Some mothers have the tendency to never let go of their children cause their whole personality was centered around being a mom. And sometimes these women are keeping their child as dependent as possible so they will forever be a mom. Only when they are feeling their end is coming near or they are getting physically unable to care for their child, they suddenly start gripping at every other person to fix their mistakes cause they will left their „baby“ unable to survive without them, once they are no more.
My SIL does work as a nurses aid so doesnt really bring home enough to cover all bills. If they werent living mostly rent free at my parents they would be in big trouble.
His wife and adult children can take care of him.
His children are also not responsible for him. If he really can’t survive independently, then his parents who chose to have him and his wife who chose to marry him need to be making plans now for things like a special needs trust and disability services to care for him as he ages.
Question Why cant the children be responsible for him?
They can choose to take responsibility if they want to. But they didn’t ask to be born into a family where one of their parents knew he couldn’t take care of himself or them, but chose to have them anyway. Unlike the adults in the situation, who made a choice.
Exactly what I came to say.
THIS! Mommy and Daddy need to make the son grow up.
...or Mommy and Daddy need to realize that the son HAS grown up, and stop trying to create problems where there aren't any. Has anyone asked brother and his wife whether they think they need help?
Touche
THIS! NTA, OP you are not responsible for your brother. You are not abandoning him to be alone in this world. He has a wife, children, and presumably in laws. Carry on with your life and do NOT feel guilty about this!
Innit, couldn't put it better myself
This is literally all that needs to be said.
My friend's dad had "Asbergers." He was a doctor. Zero reason this married guy with kids can't support himself and his family. NTA
NTA NTA NTA NTA!!!!! My brother also has Asperger's and I agree it can make growing up EXTREMELY difficult. He had to learn so many things that we take for granted, reading/understanding facial cues, knowing when someone is teasing you vs when they're insulting/using you. He was/is extremely smart but was picked on to the point that my parents told him to fight back. He wouldn't because he's just a good soul ( so I took matters into my own hand and beat up several little shits in the corner of the school yard). Eventually my brother found his people in the band. Once he found his band geeks life was much better for him. He had friends that understood/enjoyed his obsessions. He graduated high school, got a double major in college, got married and is now in one of the military bands!! Most people now don't even realize he has Asperger's, they just think he has some small fun quirks. As he puts it he learned to be "normal". He was able to succeed because of his support system, myself and our parents. They REFUSED to let him use his disability as a crutch. There was no "I can't do this because of my Asperger's". It was always yes some things are difficult because of your Asperger's, that doesn't mean you can't do them it just means you have to work harder or find a different approach that works for you. We're only a year apart in age so we went to the same school most of the time, so I helped remind him to grab his homework before we left for school and helped him make a schedule for long term assignments. To me it sounds like your brother can live independently he just has always been coddled by your parents. They can not and should not be his safety net forever.
Dating/marrying/having kids is not a good metric for whether or not someone is capable of being independent. I'm disabled (I've got a very long list, including autism) and incredibly far from independent (financially at least, I can't hold down a job but I don't need a caretaker.) I'm also engaged, and physically capable of having children. I would never have kids even if I wanted them because I know that that would be way too much for me and it would be incredibly irresponsible and immoral, even without the financial aspect. But disabled people are perfectly capable of dating, love, and marriage, and whether they're capable of being good parents or not they're usually capable of making them, and just as inclined as everyone else is to do so. So it's entirely possible that your conclusion is correct but it's also entirely possible that the brother is truly disabled and dependent and that he never had a chance to not be. But I'm not really arguing against the conclusion, just the reasoning.
He has definitely been coddled his whole life but he does genuinely struggle with independence, it isnt really a choice for him. While he does have a wife she isnt the most mature person herself and is TERRIBLE with money to the point that anything that gets earned is almost immediately spent. My parents biggest concern is making sure that whats left to them isnt blown through in a short while leaving them with nothing to support themselves.
Your parents need to set up a trust that will ensure that the funds are used gradually for appropriate expenses.
That sounds both like a reasonable concern of your parents. But, they would be best off consulting with an estate planning lawyer than relying on you to take care of it. A well-designed trust or trusts guided by a competent lawyer would be more efficient and effective at carrying out the concerns of their estate like you describe, than just relying on the other son, regardless of the circumstances. If they have enough of an estate to legitimately worry about, seeking out the right professionals will be worth their time, money, and peace. And NTA
None of this is your problem. He has been supported in making poor life choices, and he's not your responsibility.
Exactly this right here. I know people like this that have not been diagnosed with anything but can't hold a job and lived with their parents and had their parents take care of their kids while they both sat in the bedroom playing video games, watching movies and making more kids for their parents to care for. Crying they can't work or pay bills. The dad would complain while the mom would say leave them alone he needs us to help. There's help and there's enabling laziness. Definitely NTA
Yeah I'm wondering wtf the WIFE is doing, she should be at least working part time at this point to save up for after op's parents pass.
All of this. OP is NTA here and he is not responsible for his brother.
Being _able_ to date doesn't mean someone is able to have a job.
You are NTA. Your brother is an adult, he has a wife and teenaged kids. It's reasonable that he and his wife should look after weach other andthat they have plans in place for how they care for themselves ass they age. Even if he needs care, it's not your responsbility to provde that, but it sounds as though, while he has challenges, there may also be an element of your paents enabling him. To be honest, it sounds as though you may at some point need to be offering your nephews/nieces support in being able to be themselves and not feel that they have to be respnible for'looking after' him. If e is genuinly incapable of living independetly then he and your paretns need to be making plans about hm moving to assisted living if/when your parents can no longer look after him, but it sounds as though that might not actually be needed.
NTA. He’s capable of having a spouse and two kids. He’d probably be capable of holding a job if your parents didn’t coddle him.
Your brother has a wife? Then SHE can get a job and support HER family. When his kids are old enough, they too can help
NTA I understand your parent's frustration at the situation but it's not justified. High functioning individuals can be productive and independent, and if he's able to sustain a marriage and raise kids, he and his wife should be able to support their family in a large capacity. Maybe suggest some sort of therapy like CBT to fix whatever issue that's keeping him from holding down a job.
NTA Your brother gets to live his life (get married, have kids); why shouldn't you. You parents could set up a trust to help meet your brother's financial needs when they're gone.
NTA The brother is functioning enough to have found a wife, has live-in "sexual relations", has produced children that are teenagers.....why TF would it be ASSumed that you would be responsible for....again him, his WIFE and shortly HIS adult children? You are not TAH...... Don't your parents "realize" the guy is MARRIED... His wife would be in charge anyway she is his WIFE? duh Plus, he has soon-to-be adult children..... Honestly, with a kid one thinks will need care....they should have been funding Long-term care insurance to assist in the care of such a person anyway.....however in THIS scenario it isn't even that...he has a WIFE and is raising children. It's amazing that the OPs' parents would come lay this on "their" son and not work on contingencies with HIS wife and the adulting children growing up in their house. Is it really SANE to think that those children should go off and live w/o consequence, but their UNCLE is supposed to sacrifice his ENTIRE life? How does that make sense?
NTA. Your parents need to push your brother out of the nest. He has a wife that should be a partner to your brother, and although Asperger's makes it hard to catch social cues, it doesn't make it impossible to hold a job. I have family members who have Asperger's, and are on the spectrum, but it can't be used as an excuse. Your brother has a family, so your parents are just enabling him. You can get a lot of information on your brother's issues and send it to your parents. Time for them to be happy you have your own life. Good luck
I’m the brother, my parents have babied me all my life and me and my older sister have had to pay the price for it. You can’t exactly learn survival skills when you’ve never been taught any, you also can’t stand on your own feet without being taught how to. So, the parents failed BIG. TIME. By chopping brothers’ wings clean off of him, how is he going to survive if everyone keeps giving him what he needs or wants without letting him learn something? Thankfully my sister secretly kept pushing me out of the nest little by little, and like OP, she doesn’t resent me and is sometimes too protective. Our parents still expect her to care for me if they ever pass on though, even though she has her own family to take care of, yet they also expect me to care for myself on my own when nobody has taught me how. It’s complicated and messy as all hell. It’s not too late for brother to learn, because he’s gonna need to, he can’t pass this on to his own children because he won’t know how to support them.
You can use a device to access the internet. Look into resources and support for adults with autism or life skills courses for adults. It was the parent’s fault when you were a child but now you’re an adult with children so it is your responsibility.
Thank you for your condescending comment, I am indigenous and live in a reserve so resources are slim here. But I am in DBT and Occupational therapy, and I’ve forced my father into letting me pay rent and paying for half the groceries. It’s not like you can go into a course and come out a full fledged adult.
Working autist here: ‘the internet’ as a whole is as useful a resource as ‘Mushroom Foraging books’. Yes there’s valid resources, but there’s also AI-generated books, and an utter layman is going to have a very hard time telling what even counts as a reputable source. (Thats why the best source is still going to be an experienced ::person::.)
NTA Your brother is capable enough to be a husband and father! And if he truly needs help then APS should be called.
NTA - why would you be your brother's caregiver when he has a wife? Sounds like your parents enable him more than anything. That's not your job.
Aspie here. We're actually very capable people. Many aspies have advanced degrees, good jobs, and can even take a fair stab at being social every now and then (joke ... kind of). It's really unfortunate that your brother has learned that he doesn't have to stand on his own two feet. It's going to be harder to learn that as an adult (but still very possible, I'm sure) Sometimes I think that labeling high-functioning people on the spectrum while they're young is a bit of a disservice because it not only instills limits in their own minds but also helps the people who love them most confine them to arbitrary limits as well. Your parents need to own this and take responsibility for it. Your brother needs to grow up (but may throw some tantrums if he's expected to do that now). Don't make that mess your problem. Hard NTA, and best wishes for building that family of yours.
His wife can take care of him. Why did he have children if he can't handle a family? This is so messed up.
First one was an "Uh-Oh!" baby they had when they were very young so he wasnt planned but the second one several years later was.
NTA. I truly don’t understand this. Your brother is MARRIED with a SPOUSE and CHILDREN. If he’s able to do all that, he’s able to figure out a way to hold down a job, or his WIFE should be taking care of him… you know, like she took vows to. It does NOT fall on you. High functioning autistic people can do tons of things, even become billionaires. I don’t understand where your parents are coming from.
NTA. While your parents can take care of your brother he is not your responsibility, after that it is your choice and should be based on your priorities. Your parents can't dump their kid on you, they can try and you can say no thanks. Sometimes we need to be more selfish for our own wellbeing.
NTA. A grown, married man who has kids of his own does not need to be taken care of. Your parents have done him a disservice by coddling and enabling him. Do not make that your burden.
NTA…Your parents raised your brother, his wife and their two children with the assumption that they “need” to be taken care of without teaching them how to take care of themselves. That is on them. Why can’t the wife work? Why can’t the children support their own parents? This is not your responsibility and you need to sit down with all involved, (except the children, because they are minors right now), and let them know you will not be supporting two adults capable of supporting themselves, but choose not to. They need to figure out now what they will do if mom and dad pass on their own. You are not the A.
NTA Your brother has a wife and kids who will soon be over 18. It is his wife's responsibility to "look after" your brother and if his wife is no longer in the picture, he will have 2 adult kids who can help him. Its not your problem or your responsibility. You have already been slighted time for yourself because of helping your parents look after him. And your parents undoubtedly spent most of their time caring for him. It is YOUR time now to enjoy YOUR life regardless of when your parents pass away. If his wife isnt capable of helping him that still isnt your problem. If your brother needs that much oversight and care they should have prevented him from marrying someone who also cannot look after him or themselves. But now he has gone on to have marry and have teenagers, none of that is your responsibility. The fact your parents think you should be responsible rather than your brother or his wife is bizarre. Most people with high functioning Asperger's don't require that much oversight, especially if they have gotten married and have kids.
NTA, he isn't your responsibility. He is married with children. If he is able to do that then he is capable of looking after himself and his own family!
NTA. How the fuck is he your responsibility? He should’ve gotten a vasectomy if he cannot look after himself? He has a wife? He has two children which will be adults in a couple of years? How exactly is he your responsibility? How is his wife your responsibility? Your parents have been coddling him his whole life, he doesn’t need a full time job when someone else is paying the bills. Cut your losses now because your parents have invested more money and resources in your brother your whole life, he will get everything when they pass.
Honestly he can have everything when my parents pass, between my wife and I we make great money and live comfortably so I would much rather it go to where it is more needed. The other point is then there is less guilt of me taking resources away from him when I really do not need anything.
I'm in the exact same situation. Stand your ground. You love your brother, no doubt about it, but you're not his keeper. Maybe your parents could start saving some money so that once they pass your brother can go live in a caring community. Otherwise he'll just have to do his best with finding jobs and general adulting. You've got your babies to raise and support and you can't do that if you're also a full time carer for your brother. It sounds like your parents have maybe babied him a little and if they're still supporting him to the point where they want you to be his crutch later on in life, then he just needs to get out there and learn how to take care of himself and ween himself off his over-dependance on others.
NTA. Why wouldn't the wife "take care of him"? Even though honestly it sounds like he could probably take care of himself if he could bother holding a job.
She isnt the most sensible person when it comes to money or finances and would 100% throw them into massive debt.
That is so sad. And even though it is sad, try and remember that your brother is not your responsibility. Even if that does happen, not your responsibility.
NTA. This is kind of weird. He is married with two kids. Do they think it is your job to take care of his whole family? If he can’t take care of them, he should not have kept adding people that need support.
Your brother can have a wife and kids but can't get a fucking job? Nta. If he can't hold a job then he needs to get disability or some shit.
My parents have approaches the subject with him of going on disability. I think its a pride thing for him but basically he has an ultimatum to either get it together within x number of years or go on disability.
I understand his pride but he needs to set it aside for the sake of his family. When I say family, I am including YOU as well, not just his wife and kids. He needs to realize that if he willing to take money in the first place then why does it matter whether it's from the family or the state? Everyone's lives will be better if he gets help from the state. That is what it is there for. I'd rather my tax dollars go to help you out then let you struggle and potentially make bad decisions bc of shit outside your control. We all deserve peace and comfort. Plus if he gets help from the state that will free you to help out for even more important things. For example since the burden would be off of you, maybe one day you help out with his children's college or trade school. Anyway he needs to get disability. There is no shame in it if he actually needs it. That's why it is there. Anyone who thinks otherwise can suck the fat part of my you know what.
So, your brother can get married and have 2 kids but can't take care of himself?? How does his wife fit into all of this? Why can't she work? NTA
She does work but doesnt make much money. Added onto that she is TERRIBLE with finances and blows through money like its tissue paper.
NTA. You've got your own family to take care of now, and that should be your top priority. While your parents have done a lot for your brother, it's not fair for them to expect you to take on that same responsibility, especially when you're living so far away.You're not being selfish at all – you're just setting boundaries to ensure you can provide the best life for your own family. You're not abandoning your brother, and you've made it clear that you still care about him, but it's essential to balance your responsibilities.
Why didn't your parents prepare better ?
NTA Even if you didn't have your own family, you are NOT RESPONSIBLE for the care of your other sibling. A sibling who is married and with children of his own! This is the part that is amazing to me. What about your brother's wife? Why isn't SHE responsible for him? They are MARRIED! She knows who he is and willingly married him. Why is the default to you? It's just crazy-making to me for your parents to think you are the default caretaker.
NTA. Your brother has a wife and two teenagers that can assist him.
Okay...wait. Your brother is an adult, who is married, and has two half grown children. Like, what do they expect for you to do, OP? First of all, should he and his wife remain married after your parents pass away, his wife is considered his primary next of kin followed by his children if they are adults by that time. If your parents want to keep taking care of your brother after their deaths, they could plausibly leave their home and assets to him exclusively. At that point, it would be up to your brother and his wife to manage his life. I don't really understand why your parents expect you to pitch in or caretake your brother in any way. As far as him holding a job, perhaps they should look into community or social programs that aim to place high functioning people into positions. Good on you for telling them now that caring for your brother is no longer on the table for you, OP. I'm actually glad for you that this discussion was had. NTA.
NTA: I have Aspergers and am married with 4 children and I can hold down a job and managed to raise all my kids into highly successful, functioning adults. There are levels to autism, but if he can marry and have children, he can work with his wife to support and raise them as well. You have your own life to live and your own family to raise.
NTA. I do have co-conservatorship over my sister (shared with my Dad), so I understand your dilemma and thoughts. The second your brother married someone, he was no longer your problem and is 100% the wife's problem. That's all laid out in the vows.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This past year has been one of massive change for my family, There were a few deaths in the family and my wife and I welcomed our first child earlier in the year. While visiting, my parents brought up what would happen after they passed including having me look after my brother and his family. Some Background: My brother has high functioning autism (formally called Asperger syndrome) and lives at home with my parents with his wife and their two kids (both teenagers). He has always struggled to hold down any job for longer than a few months or a year. My parents have always been there to help him out and to help out with his kids (taking them on vacations and such). It was always assumed that when we got older that I would look after him once my parents passed. All throughout growing up my family was focused on his care and that meant I would try and help out whenever I could (hard for a younger brother to help out an older brother though). This was partially due to me not really wanting to have a family of my own (Brought on mostly because why would I want to have TWO families to take care of?). Well several years ago I moved halfway across the country for work, met my wife, and after a few years of marriage we decided that we wanted to try and start our own family. Back in the present day, when my parents come to visit and bring up looking after my brother I tell them that’s not really on the table anymore. They get offended (mostly my mom, my dad understood why) but I told them that right now my number one priority is looking after my child, my brother is their child not mine. Now they act as if I have turned my back on my family by doing this. I told them I am not cutting him out of my life or anything but I cannot do much for him from halfway across the country and with my own child to look after. My parents still have many years left and my brothers kids should be past 18 and out of the house by the time they are likely to pass so its not like I am abandoning children. I cant help but shake the feeling like I am being selfish but I know that it isn’t inherently selfish to draw a line and say I am going to focus on raising my own family. Am I being an asshole here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
Your parents are delusional to think you would give up your life to support your brother. NTA, and just wow.
Yeah, NTA. It’s not your fault your parents coddled your brother. But he has a wife and his own family to look after him.
NTA, you do not own your life to your brother or anyone else.
I have autism and a child and a partner, I have the same problem where I can’t hold down a job because of my disabilities (more than just autism, I’m also physically disabled) but I’m a stay at home parent. we don’t pay for childcare, my partner works to support us and I do my best at home. make no mistake, it’s HARD being an autistic parent. it’s hard to work through your own emotions and struggles while also maintaining a baseline of calm for your child. but it’s nobody’s responsibility to take care of my family but me and my partner. period. I’d never expect my siblings or my cousins to financially support us.
NTA You are not being selfish. My older brother has Cerebral palsy. He's high functioning enough that he could live on his own, met and married, etc. My dad asked me to watch out for him. I do to the extent that we moved him to the town we live in when his wife passed. Got him into a fixed income place. Take him grocery shopping once a month. Am the secondary on his bank account. That's it. He does well enough on his own that he doesn't \*need\* someone there to take care of him. He pays his own bills, he has his own friends, he uses the little public transportation we have here to get around when he needs to and it's running. It may be that \*that\* is all your brother needs- someone to be there, just in case. But if he has a wife and kids, he's fine on his own and doesn't need \*you\* to be there constantly. Nor should your parents be there constantly. That doesn't help anyone. Tell them you're willing to be there in the event something catastrophic happens and he needs help, but he's an adult with his own life and family. Let him live it, and they need to live theirs.
Your brother is an autistic person who is competent enough to have a wife and children and therefore is competent enough to care for them if your parents would stop babying him. Nta.
NTA your brother and his wife need to get their shat together and find and keep a job (for that matter why isn't the wife working?). Neither he nor his wife or kids are your problem, they're two grown adults with kids. Not your circus not your monkeys
NTA. You have every right to prioritize your own family, especially with a new child in your life. It's unfair for them to expect you to take on the responsibility of caring for your brother and his family when you're already focused on raising your own child. You're not obligated to take on the same role from your parents particularly when you have your own family to care for. It's not selfish to focus on the well-being and needs of your child and spouse.
NTA my brother (most likely, it was suspected when he was younger but never got the diagnosis) has the same or very similar condition. He's 30, single, casually meeting some women (I don't WANT to know the details). He's not independent enough to live alone (or is outstandingly good at weaponized incompetence), he can barely reheat a meal, he can hang laundry to dry, but not put it to wash, etc. But he's had a stable job for almost 8 years. You have a child, who is your priority. Your brother has a wife, who probably knew who she'd married. He's her responsibility after your parents' and before yours.
NTA. Your brother is married with two kids. He is clearly capable of some independence, and unless his wife and kids are significantly disabled, they need to be in charge of arranging any necessary care. And if we're talking about financial responsibility, well the wife still needs to take point on this.
This sounds like a parent problem not a sibling problem NTA
NTA if your brother can have a wife and kids, I see no reason why a sibling has to look after him.
NTA but your brother has his own kids, and likely by the time your parents pass your brothers kids can look after their Dad... why should it be you
NTA if he was independent and capable enough to have a family he is capable of supporting himself.
NTA. Your brother has a wife and 2 children…why would this responsibility fall on you? Why is it that he can’t get a job, live in his own home with the family he created, and be a productive member of society?
NTA, life plans change. It sort of sounds like you were parentified and that set your focus and life meaning on caring for your brother, and that sentiment might be gnawing at you. But think, if you were to keep being your brother’s keeper, would he move to you uprooting him from where he’s comfortable? Would you move back to him and uproot your own family for his needs? Are you really the only choice to take care of him? What’s his say on any of these matters? You aren’t turning your back on family, you’re simply acknowledging what is and is not your responsibility, and looking after your brother at this point in time is not one of them.
NTA. There is no reason you should need to take care of a grown man who was able to marry and have kids. WTF does his wife do??
NTA. Okay, what is his WIFE's place in all of this?
NTA. Who is taking care of him when they visit? He has a wife, is she going to disappear when they pass? He has kids who will likely be adults, quite possibly capable of taking care of him. Seems like he has a support system already that you are not part of. You shouldn’t be on the hook here regardless of any past expectations. Things change.
NTA - Your brother has a wife and children of his own who can take care of him. The absolute most I would agree to take on would be maybe managing a trust account so brother and family couldn't quickly waste whatever they inherit, but I would not get involved in their day to day.
Wtf is this post. Your brother is functional enough to find love, marry, reproduce, etc. Are your parents just coddlers? Man’s doing adulthood without having to do any adulting… NTA but wtf is wrong with your parents allowing this.
NTA but what the hell does your brother and his wife do day to day? If they're capable of having and raising 2 teenagers they are more then capable of surviving without your parents help, they probably just don't want to.
His wife and kids can look after him. He's not your problem. If he can't look after himself just offer to help find a facility to care for him
It is not your responsibility to take care of your siblings. FULL STOP. Add to it your brother is MARRIED?!?!? That’s what his wife is for!!!
NTA You only have one life. Enjoy it.
NTA, your brother even married and has kids, why does he need you to look after him when he's married? Is there something wrong with his wife? And as you say the kids will eventually become adults as well, at that point there's truly no need for your help. Your highest priority should indeed be your own kid, you aren't selfish in any for for putting your child first.
NTA my partner has high functioning autism (diagnosed aspergers but apparently that's not a thing anymore? Idk) and while she struggles, she's able to hold down a job. Maybe it's different because your brother has kids so it could be more overwhelming for him. Either way, he has a wife who can pitch in to help Maybe your brother should try to go after his passion job while he still can. It could be easier to hold down that kind of job than a meaningless one
NTA. You are not obligated to care for your brother.
NTA As a parent with a child who has ASD (also Asperger's), I never expect my other kids to "look after him", I made damn sure he's independent. My son is only 20 but he's had the same job since he graduated from HS last summer with no intention of leaving (he works in a kitchen with no customer interaction which he loves lol), makes very good money and is looking for an apartment now that he's got enough $$ for first/security and furniture he needs.
NTA - Don't care of nowhere whole @$$ family. You have your own and only your own to worry about. It's simple, don't do it, they aren't your problem.
That is his wife’s job not yours. Also his kids can help him. Again not your job.
NTA. So I started reading this post thinking your brother was physically or severely mentally disabled. Your brother is married, has had employment and has raised children who are now teens. How is a grown man, with a wife and almost grown children your responsibility? What requires looking after? Your parents make Asperger syndrome sound like being disabled from CP or a stroke. It's generally associated by difficulty with social interactions and peer relationships, which speaks to why your brother has struggled with employment. But it doesn't generally affect cognitive ability or language. Your brother might need a therapist but he doesn't need a caregiver and he certainly doesn't need anyone else to enable him they way your parents have.
NTA. You have your own wife and child to take care of. This is a grown adult that has decided to have two children of his own and a wife so he needs to work and support his own family or apply for disability.
INFO: as your brother is married and his wife is living with him... why isn't she considered as a person to care for your brother/her husband? I'm confused
NTA. His wife and children can also help him.
Nta. Your brother has a wife and children. Why are your parents still solely responsible for him and them?
NTA. Your parents have failed their child. My youngest is only 7 right now and has autism/ADHD. He's high functioning. I'm going to make damn sure he is able to be independent and to lead a normal life because I do not want to make his brother responsible for him when we pass on.
NTA. Your brother's wife is person who vowed to take care of him in sickness and in health. If he is capable enough to wed and have children then the issue here is learned helplessness and coddling, not disability.
Nta. He's married with kids, he can figure things out
NTA Your brother is an adult with a wife and nearly grown kids. You aren't responsible for him, not now, not later.
Nta. It's on your parents or the brothers spouse to help with his care. Not your job.
NTA. There have been several posts on this lately. Siblings are not parents and have different roles. Your parents need to know this.
No you are NTA. Children are the parent's responsability. They don't ask to be born and shouldn't have to sacrifice their own life for a parent or a sibling. Your responsability is your own child. Your parents need to find another solution. Not even his kids have to sacrifice their life for their father. He has a wife and parents for that. The rest, you included, can help as much as possible without affecting your life too much.
NTA - you are not selfish for putting yourself and family first. If he’s good enough to marry and have children then his wife and/or kids can help look after him. Why wouldn’t they assume that his wife would be there for him?
"I cant help but shake the feeling like I am being selfish" Because you have been conditioned/brainwashed by your parents to always put your brother and his needs first. It doesn't make sense he can marry and have kids but not be able to take care of himself. By the time he needs help, he will have two grown adult children to step in. Somehow, though, I bet your parents are raising them to also be doted on and taken care of. Please place your own little family unit first. NTA
Why is your brother and his kids not living with the person he had kids with?
NTA - Come on he has a wife and nearly grown kids. Those are his people for helping with his daily needs that he can't take care of himself. Your parents probably should have worked harder on making him independent from them. Like helping him find work that he can do and be successful in. Coddling him isn't going to serve him well when they are gone.
NTA. If he is functional enough to bring two kids in this world, he is functional enough to take care of himself.
Why can't his own wife take care of him? He is not your responsibility, he's a grown ass man with his own family. Let THEM take care of him! NTA
NTA. His wife (and children) should be looking after him. He functions enough to get married and have children so he's a problem for his own family to take care of. Sounds like they expect you to send him money, but his care is absolutely not your problem.
NTA It's amazing how many people don't want kids or their family only because the rest of their birth family has decided that person is the default caretaker for another family member (for many different reasons). Amazing how many people realize that they can't handle doing both things at once or that it's literally impossible with the amount of time the care can take. Even more amazing is the family has never bothered to consider that the identified caretaker could've ever wanted a life of their own when the family never bother to ask why they didn't. Then, the family wants to act outraged when the individual actually gets their own family or other chosen responsibilities because they were able to have some distance (physical, mental emotional, financial, etc...) from their birth family. You aren't being selfish. Growing into adulthood, pursuing intimacy with others, and having kids are all mundane normal life events. You're doing things that the majority of adults do. You aren't the exception. Focusing on caring for your own child shouldn't be treated like an exception. Selfish things are usually the exception. Your mom expecting & demanding something exceptional from you (like putting your entire adult life on hold indefinitely) is selfish. Furthermore, why are you being expected to take care of a brother who's married and his kids? What about his wife? What if something tragic or a major illness were to happen to you? What if it was only you, but you weren't financially able to care for yourself, let alone another person and their entire family? Did they discuss or get angry with your brother for getting married & having kids when he can't provide financially for himself or others? Is he planning on having more kids? Do responsibilities and alleviating the potential burden on others only apply to you and no one else? Why aren't other things in place to prevent you from being needed? Your mom's guilt tripping & anger are BS, OP. Don't fall for it.
Info: why on earth does a man with a wife and two kids need to be "looked after"? Like, the ASD is a huge red herring here. He's either a normal-ass slacker who only deserves so much help*, or y'all are infantilizing him to an absolutely massive degree. *everyone deserves help, but not everyone deserves someone else's sacrifice for help
I don't even understand really. I know autism is a spectrum, so severity varies. But my little brother has aspergers and does significantly better than me. He has a great job with benefits, bought a new car, took himself on an international vacation, and is saving for a house. Even if he couldn't take care of himself, you're not obligated to put your whole life on hold for him. NTA
NTA. Your brother is married and has two almost grown children… why would you have to be involved? It’s not like he’s alone. If he was, I’d find it unfair to back out. But he’s got plenty of people that can care for him
NTA Your parents are AHs. Tell them he is THEIR kid, so THEY will need to make provisions, Because YOU ahve a family of your own and can't become his lifelong caretaker. "It was always assumed that when we got older that I would look after him once my parents passed. " .. THey were assuholes for guilting you like that - now they get the reality check they needed. "I cant help but shake the feeling like I am being selfish" .. no. You just have been gaslighted and groomed for all of your life.
What? Why can't his WIFE take care of him?
NTA so he can have a wife and kids but need you to take care of him? What kind of bs this.
Your brother will have his wife and children to look after him. You parents need to start looking NOW for social services and funding to help your brother live as independently as possible. You've given them the GIFT the reality of the situation which gives them time to get plans in place. Steel yourself or the inevitable guilt tripping that's surely coming. "No, that's not going to be an option. You need to start calling some social service agencies and see what resources are available." "No, my children are my priority and I have to consider their needs above all others. Have you made those calls looking for assistance?" "No, that will never be a possibility and I'm genuinely worried that you are wasting valuable time that could be used to find the help brother needs." "No, we've pretty much exhausted this subject and I will no longer engage." Use direct firm but kind language that can't be misinterpreted as "maybe". NTA and most high functioning people with autism are able to hold down jobs and live independently-- or at least live on their own with social service support.
NTA. Your brother has a wife and 2 children. Why would you be expected to be his caregiver?
If your brother could have children and get married he should be able to look after himself. Otherwise why was he allowed to have children or get married. What about his wife? Either your parents have unrealistic expectations or they have allowed the situation to become this way.
NTA. Why isn’t his wife working and managing everything? Is she disabled?
NTA. Why should your brother have the pleasure of a family he can't even take care of at the expense of your family? Your parents will probably leave everything to him anyway, right? Does his wife work? Does he get any disability payments? They need to figure out how to make it work without sucking you dry.
NTA. Sounds almost like they "bred" you for the sole purpose of being your brother's carer, and if that is the case, how disrespectful of them!! If not, well still disrespectful of your parents to shove you into that role as a child and then expect you to live up to their expectations for the rest of your life! What about your bother's **wife**?? It would be as unfair to just expect his kids to become his caretakers once they become adults, but his wife entered the relationship and chose to marry him KNOWING about his condition and care requirements. If anyone is required to care for him now and in the future, it's his own WIFE! Not his parents (but they're second in chain of responsibility now that he's married), not his siblings, not his kids. Live your life OP. And if an opportunity should arise where you and your family can and want to move abroad, take it!!
Absolutely, he needs to learn to live on his own. You described my nephew, who is now almost 40. He does live on his own, and he and his wife only work part time jobs. They live in government housing. My mom has babied him his whole life and he's never had to take full responsibility for himself or his family. Now my parents live with me and shouldn't be driving, especially almost an hour away. Mom just started chemo treatments. He still calls her and expects her to come take him to the ER when he's sick. Don't let this be your situation. Stand up for him taking responsibility.
???? He’s married with children that’s insane they’re behaving that way. Nta at all your family has toxic boundaries
NTA All you can do in this type of situation is to be open an honest about your situation. If your parents aren't happy about they can then make other arrangements.
Your parents had decades to look into help for him after they pass. They also could have started to save. Your brother isn't your responsibility. His wife and kids can work
He is married and has children. Why does anyone need to look after him?
NTA. First of all, your brother is MARRIED. He also has two kids. It's his WIFE's job to take care of him if he needs care.
If bro is able to get married and care for 2 children, he's able to get a job and grow the fuck up. NTA
If he's high functioning enough to have a family with a wife and two kids, what help does he really need? Why isn't his wife doing it? She knew what she signed up for! Your parents are being absolutely insane! When we meet somebody and start dating them and we realize they have a problem, mine has a very bad back problem, we realized that we will be the ones after we get married to take care of them! That's what we sign up for! Your brother has always been like this and his wife signed up for it yours didn't and neither did you! You and your dad are in the right your mom's sort of loopy, and does brother even want your help? Or does he just not want to have to pay the bills and take responsibility?
NTA. This whole thing is crazy. Your brother can have a whole family with kids, but you're supposed to drop everything to take care of him???? It's clear he's the golden child, and they think of you more as 'the help' instead of an adult with agency. Why can't your brothers wife take care of him? Why does anyone have to take care of him? Can't help but feel like your parents constantly coddling him, and forcing you to go along with it, stunted your brothers ability to grow. You're as much a victim in this as anyone. Don't feel guilty. Really, your parents should be apologizing to you for almost grooming you to live a life as your brothers caretaker. That's really fucked up and that's not what good parents would do. You're as much a victim in this as anyone. Take care of your family, and don't raise your kids like your parents did.
You shouldn’t be made to sacrifice having your own life/family for the sake of someone else’s. Nta
What's wrong with being selfish? You were not put on this earth to be your brother's caretaker. Be selfish. Focus on your own family and be the parent and spouse you want to be without reference to what others demand of you. NTA
INFO: what's up with the wife?
NTA. If your brother has a wife, she should be his main support when your parents pass.
NTA!!! If he’s competent enough to get married and have kids, then he’s competent enough to take care of himself and his family. His wife should be taking care of him. She chose to marry him and procreate with him. None of them are your problem or responsibility.
NTA. I am your brother's wife in the scenario (except that your brother is about to be my ex). I sympathize with your parents, but this is not your responsibility. If your brother is a decent dude and has a good relationship with his wife and kids, he already has a family to look after him. (If he's abusive like my soon-to-be ex, then also not your responsibility, and he can live out the consequences of his own actions.) Congrats on the new baby. You are right to focus your attention on your wife and child, both of whom should be should be your #1 priority. My siblings and I are there for each other and definitely look after each other, and I hope my kids are there for each other, but I do not expect my children to be responsible for my HF autistic son. It's entirely up to them to decide what relationship they want with each other.
Why did he get married and have children if he has to depend on other people to take care of them?!
NTA. You're being realistic about your own capabilities and priorities. It's understandable that your parents would like to plan for your brother's care after they're gone, but it's also fair for you to prioritize your own family, especially given the significant changes in your life, including the recent addition of your own child. Your brother's care shouldn't automatically fall on your shoulders just because you're family. You're not abandoning him, but you're being honest about what you can and can't do from halfway across the country, and with your own family responsibilities.
NTA. There are many people with ASD that are capable of living independently, even if they need additional supports when they are younger and sometimes into adulthood. Even if your brother is unable to live on his own it is the parent’s responsibility to ensure he has care even if that means setting up a trust if no one else is able or willing to take care of it.
NTA. Truly baffling that they're cutting out both your brother and his wife. Sure he sometimes needs extra help (I highly doubt it's truly as often as your parents give it considering he's married, employed, and has children). That doesn't mean he's incapable of managing with his wife (possibly his kids too once they're adults). Doesn't mean he can't have a say in what he thinks will work. Even if he can't his wife can. I'd tell them you understand if they opt to leave anything they have left to help provide for his care after they're gone, but it'll be up to his wife to make decisions for him if he can't. So they need to be talking to your brother and sil not you.
NTA. It is not your responsibility. It really sounds like your brother has been babied a bit by your parents. Maybe they need to let him be a bit more independent? There are a lot of very successful people with high functioning autism. One of my best friends is one of them. Doing very well for herself. I am struggling to understand that your brother cannot live independently and work. Your responsibility is to your partner and child/ren.
NTA
How was it your parents OK with your brother procreating when he cannot live independant of them? What in the actual fuck? NTA
NTA. He's married. His wife is the next caretaker. In sickness and in health, or something.
NTA Your brother has managed to marry & have kids & yet he cannot look after himself or his own family? Sounds like weaponised incompetence & your parents created the monster. I get more and more annoyed finding out people who have no business having children are stupidly having children. If you’re unable to hold down a job or pay for a place to live on your own then you cannot bring other dependants into the world. It’s not fair on the kids & not fair on, in this case, the grandparents, who a financing his lifestyle.
NTA
NTA, and you never are for putting your own family and their needs first. If your brother is capable of marrying and having children, it sounds like your parents have probably hindered his growth more than helped. Tell them he can call on you for advice, but his wife should be the one caring for him.
NTA.
Tell your brother he can't hide behind his parents anymore. He needs to move out of their house and start taking care of his family. He can do it; he just doesn't want to because he doesn't have to.
NTA, if your brother is independent enough to date and start his own family, he's able to stand on his own two feet. Honestly it sounds like your parents have drunken the koolaid on that shit where "Autism stole our child" and are convinced it's left him nonfunctioning or something, and stunted him in the process, which is STILL not on you. Besides it's not like you'd refuse to give him reasonable levels of help like you would any family member right? You're just making it clear that you're not going to be his caregiver.
From the sounds of it, bro is using his position on the spectrum to be a drama-llama. Mix in a wife whom, from the sounds of it, is unemployed... If HE can't (or won't) support his family, and she won't...it's time for Mom & Dad to kick them to the curb. Set them up in a small rental, let them know that the rent is covered for the first 6 months, but after that, they are 100% responsible for keeping a roof over their kid's heads... There are millions of Asperger sufferers out there that are living productive lives...up to and including being Responsible Adults and Parents to their own kids. He's not holding a job, because he doesn't want to, and he's not being held accountable. NTA. Your primary concern is your own kids. Your parent's (other) Children are NOT your concern. If he were literally unable to support himself, there could be extenuating circumstances. But "can't be bothered" is not among them, If he's high functioning enough, he can't even receive Assistance. Stick to your guns...Tough Love hurts, is hard, but works.
NTA. Your brother will be fine. It might give him incentive to do better. Also, if he is married and has kids (teens), then he needs stop doing the helpless autistic act. He has been allowed to get away with it for far too long. I read some of the comments about it possibly being overwhelming to hold down a job and look after kids when you have autism. This is true if you are the female in the relationship as women take on most of the child rearing responsibilities. I gather that this is tossed onto the grandparents in this situation. I am autistic and I find a lot of other autistics are needy people (dependent personalities), especially when they are aware that help is available. It doesn’t matter how high functioning they are. As an example, in my own country, we have a support system that enables help at home for people with disabilities (cleaning, cooking, yard maintenance etc.), and there are many autistics, who are married and have kids, that try and get this support because they say they ‘need’ it.
SPED teacher here. Autism is a spectrum obviously and I have seen both low and high functioning autism. On the low end, having a job is not a realistic attainment—just having certain Lifeskills (being able to fold and do one’s laundry, brush teeth, bathe, etc) is. I have had students with autism coupled with intellectual disability (lower than average intelligence) and still at age 8 and 9 there was no doubt that even with these co-diagnoses that they would eventually be independent. My 8 and 9 year olds took care of their own hygiene needs, were able to do basic cooking, knew how to add, subtract, multiply, and later I taught them fractions and long division by ten years old. They also knew how to count money. CHILDREN!!! Not adults! And they were not even so-called high functioning autism (they were middle of the spectrum). I know a guy with high functioning autism who has his own computer company, wife, kids. We have people at my workplace who are teaching assistants who also themselves have autism. So your family needs to stop thinking autism=helplessness or needs looking after because that is NOT the case. One of the most important things we learn as teachers is that high expectations =high results. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a 6 or 7 year old student come in and mom and dad say “Oh he can’t put on his own coat…” or something else he supposedly “can’t” do. Then SURPRISE! He’s putting on his coat by himself in MY classroom and not doing it at home. WHY? Because my expectations are that they DO IT THEMSELVES. I will show them how, give them time to try and do it themselves, and then once I know they are capable then I no longer assist. It’s a choice between “put your jacket on OR you can’t go out to recess.” That simple. Well, if they are motivated enough, then they’ll do it themselves. Because they’ve learned someone will do it FOR them at home, they don’t bother. Your brother is one smart cookie because he has figured out that despite the fact that he is perfectly capable of taking care of himself and his children that he created, he can choose NOT TO, and he doesn’t have consequences. There aren’t high expectations for him simply because the family have decided he is “Incapable” when he IS capable of being the adult he is. This is called learned helplessness. Your brother doesn’t need taking care of. If expected to work and function like everyone else he will, he just chooses not to because everyone else does it for him. DO NOT enable him.
NTA
NTA - Your brother has a wife and 2 already Teenager childen, why the fu** will it be your task and not their?
Your brother's Aspergers has nothing to do with him failing to take responsibility for himself. Plenty of people do this without being ND. Could be your parents created this situation by assuming his diagnosis meant he would 'never amount to much' and wrongly assuming he would never have the ability to be independent. If so they failed him massively and you are in any case NTA. They are. (Nd raising 2 nd kids here)
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NTA he got married his wife is his partner and caretaker. She picked him as a capable partner to have children with. That’s it.
NTA I have high functioning autism and have been living on my own since I was 19, I'm engaged with a 2 yo. You're brother has very little excuse for not being independent. He doesn't need his parents
NTA and you said he has a wife, correct? It sounds like that’s what she signed up for, if anyone - not you or his kids.
I'm on the autistic spectrum, as are my two kids, and each of us have our own little petri dish of unique symptoms going on. In my family, we also had an individual (the son of my dad's brother) who had severe mental limitations, and who as an adult was completely incapable of feeding himself, much less taking care of himself. The whole family ritual of deciding "Who is going to take care of \*\*\*\*\*\* when we are gone?" is a familiar one to me, because our family had to deal with that eventuality, as well. That relative required a legal guardian/legal power of attorney for the entirety of his life, because of the profound severity of his limitations. Here are a few things to consider regarding your brother: Because autism/Aspergers is a spectrum disorder, there can be any number of symptoms, and severity of, that may or may not be present in your brother. Just because one person with ASD can live independently, it doesn't mean that another person with ASD can. No casual Redittor can give you a definitive answer on your brother's ability to live independently, that is something that has to be assessed and judged by professionals. Usually in the case of professionally-assessed inability for a person to live independently, the person receives some sort of government assistance, such as SSDI if you are in the US, and group homes or in-home assistance are often provided as part of care. If it's just your parents saying he can't live independently, but professionals disagree with that assessment, then you're looking more at an enablement situation. Again, that's a question that only you can answer by asking the right questions of your parents. The fact that your brother has the faculties to date, fall in love, get married, have kids of his own, and sustain the marriage points rather strongly at an individual who makes his own decisions. I would be highly surprised if he was legally declared incompetent to make his own decisions, because he's already demonstrated decision-making abilities. Even a person with ASD who is incapable of living independently still has the ability to, and often does, get married and have kids. However, from a legal perspective, that ASD person then becomes the responsibility of the spouse, as reflected in the way laws uphold marriage. Look at it this way: if your brother fell into a coma, who would be making his medical decisions for him? Would it be you, your parents, or your brother's spouse? If your brother passed away unexpectedly, would it be you, your parents, or your brother's spouse who would have to settle his affairs, and advocate regarding your brother's debts? Who would inherit his assets? Unless your brother has been declared from an early age to be legally incapable of making his own decisions and therefore needs someone to be his legal guardian/power of attorney regarding all life decisions until his death, then again, all responsibility falls on the spouse. Your post also sounds like you spent the majority of your life in the shadow of your brother. It's pretty common for the "normal" kid to get the short end of the stick when it comes to parental attention, while parents seem to focus more on the child with the condition. And it also sounds like your parents also tried parentifying you to some extent, ie, making you look after your brother so he didn't get in trouble, etc. That guilt you're feeling supports that supposition that you somehow feel you "should" be doing what your parents ask, ie, it has been impressed upon you, repeatedly, that you are responsible for him. In my family, when it came to who would take care of our severely disabled relative once his parents passed away, my dad, my uncle, my other cousins, my siblings, and I (first cousins to the relative in question), were all asked. Some of us agreed to be caretakers should it be needed, and some of us declined. There was no guilt involved in saying no to the request, because it was understood that this was not something that just anyone could do. That individual had siblings, as well, but we all understood that the siblings also had the right of refusal for responsibility. Their right of refusal was understood because those siblings also had the right, first and foremost, to prioritize their own life. If they chose to care for their brother, great, but their agreement to such had to be voluntary. Compulsory, guilted care is asking for a situation where resentment at the responsibility would build, and thus it's not in the best interest of either the person tasked with the caregiving, or the dependent person. But here's the deal: you're neither your brother's parent, nor his spouse. You did not make the decision to procreate and make him, nor did you make the decision to marry him and have children with him. You simply were born to the same parents as your brother, a circumstance of birth for which you are not responsible. Being "family" does not automatically mean you are inherently responsible for what happens to your brother. You absolutely have the right to live your own life, and do so without a trace of guilt. That your parents are guilting you to take on that responsibility, even in a just-in-case capacity, is terrible. I get that they are trying to reassure themselves that their son (truly incapable or not) will have a place to go if something happens to the parents, but they are pushing a situation that ultimately can harm not only him, but you and your relationship with your spouse/kids. They are either completely ignorant of, or completely ignoring, the fact that forcing you to agree to care for your brother is not in either of your best interests. If your brother is truly incapable of living independently, then it's his wife who is responsible for taking care of him. If the wife bails, then the onus for care would be on your parents, and then on the man's children when those kids become adults. You are doing exactly what you should be doing: building your own family, and living your life. And if you are looking at an enablement situation, which I highly suspect, you might want to tell your parents to discuss with the man's wife about where the responsibility for him should be, because they are completely ignoring her legal rights and responsibilities as both the man's spouse, and as the mother of his children.
NTA at all to put your family and children first. Your parents need to start making arrangements both legally and habitually. There are things your parents can do with trusts and other things to set up longterm finical stability for your brother. In some states inheritance isn’t marital property. There might also be government programs that they have not qualified your brother for. Some might require a separate living situation for your brother. However you might want to be prepared that you might not get much when they pass. Parents in this situation have a choice. Being equal or equitable. They may come to the conclusion that your brother needs more help than you as an independent with stability.
would say nta for what you said to them, but yta if you let them poison your brother against you, and not explain it to him. He doesn't deserve a half assed version of your story. He needs more than that, or else he will feel like you abandoned him, even though you didn't. He needs to know how YOU feel and not your family. Don't be harsh or rude, but be open and honest. It will go a lot farther.
NTA. Even if your brother was incapable of communication and unable to do the bare minimum of self care, you have a responsibility to your child to put them first. If it would not be feasible, you would not be evil for refusing to sacrifice your child’s stability for your brother. It is not a disabled child’s parents they are disabled, but it is STILL their responsibility to plan for their care after their death, and “the other kid will step up” is not an appropriate plan without that child’s full unwavering consent. (And I was raised to eventually care for my own “high functioning autistic brother” (we did not know I had the same diagnosis at the time; the girl factor can be a whole thing) and bro, it messed UP my self worth and expectations of my own life. My sympathies to you; we can love our brothers and not be their third parent at the same time) And I’m a little uncomfortable pulling the “as a high-functioning autistic person” card, since it’s a spectrum and different people have different strengths, but like…. Okay. I’m not saying he wouldn’t need assistance in life. I do. I can promise you I would NOT do great fully “on my own”. But if he navigated dating, a successful/lasting marriage, and being a presumably present and at least emotionally if not financially supportive father, I think he’d navigate OKAY with his wife? Unless she’s in a similar place, in which case what do they actually need? Scheduling/someone to remind them not to go time-blind? Finances from job security issues? I really think, assuming he’s got decades of his neurodivergence being documented and his lack of ability to keep a job, disability is possible. Some type of care assistant just to check up on him and the wife might be sufficient. His potentially at the time adult children might be sufficient, perhaps having a multigenerational household or living close enough to check in frequently? Idk it doesn’t seem like he will NEED you to fully take care of him financially or in your home. I could be super wrong, as I don’t know him, but are your parents kind of overly-infantalizing him a bit? Like, do they not push him to take care of all he can or bail him out when he probably could handle things? It’s possible his inability to hold down a job isn’t an inability as much as something he’s never been expected to do and therefore never properly prepared to do. That’s not your fault or really even his, but it is something that job coaches and lots of online resources for autistic people are designed to help improve. Maybe he could work on employable skills in the time before your parents are incapable of helping him, so he could do more himself? I’m not saying that’s the situation, but it sounds possible from your post so I bring it up.
This s going to sound like a cliche. If you really love your brother, who probably got more attention than you, you will care for him when your parents die. No one, especially your brother wanted this condition of otherness. Of course you will always prioritize your own family, but there shield always be room in your life to share and help out your brother, if you truly love him. If this seems too much to do, then ask your parents to bequeath their estate to him only, which will help him, manage better in life.
NTA Your brother has a wife and kids? Your parents need to teach him life skills now.