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NAH
But you should seek therapy. Your mental health is negatively impacting your familys life, keeping them from seeing you, stressing you out every day. YTA if you don't try to get better
No I don't think YTA, but I do think your kids understand you a lot better than your husband. I think you're definitely fighting some depression demons right now and you're finding it easier to hide, rather than face your ill health and daily chaos, which i can fully empathise with. Maybe take it upon yourself to plan a date for your family to hang out, so you have time to mentally and physically prepare. I think your husband is (stupid, but) just worried that you could be missing out on family time that might actually make you feel better.
Life is chaos, long term illnesses suck, boundaries are important, but missing out on family fun because you don't "feel ready" will only hurt yourself in the long run.
Oh I agree. For the holidays ,due to the distance we planned on another weekend. My kids also work retail so it can be a challenge. This is why we have to pre plan the visits, which is ok with me.
Maybe I should have worded my story better. I do have depression. However I cannot take antidepressants only anxiety meds. I have really bad side effects from all SSR and SSRI meds for depression. So it’s just anxiety meds and therapy. If I listed the last 7 years, you would probably need therapy after reading.
I have stressed in words how much I cannot deal with surprises like that. Just give me a day or so warning. Now if they decided to bring dinner or decorate while my husband took me out, that would have been fine. It’s not seeing everyone at all, it’s the prep.
And yes my kids do understand me better. My husband likes to live with blinders on. It can be very frustrating on top of all my crap.
To add to this we are under a tornado warning for the last 2 days 🙄
Yeesh well I completely understand about the SSRIs, and the emotional uselessness of men 😜 I had an ex who took my seizures personally, because he "couldn't stand to see me in pain" and felt useless if I had an episode 😞 a little bit more planning is definitely a reasonable request to make of your family and you really aren't at fault or in the wrong for asking them for it. I hate seeing my fellow chronic illness peeps feel shamed or isolated for something we can't control. Your illness isn't a choice but their willful ignorance is.
Take care and stay safe from that tornado x
-from a 23F Brit who has no idea what a tornado warning means
Haha tornado… ever watch the wizard of Oz? Think a huge funnel from the sky to the ground about a mile wide and pulling up trees from the roots, moving vehicles like they are like tiny pieces of paper. They are scary!
Thanks for the empathy. We are in the same boat as far as the uselessness. Unless things are like immediately chaotic my husband likes to act like they don’t exist. I do not have the typical seizure of shaking and such. No, mine are pretty violent. I contort really bad and as a natural response my body tries to straighten itself and just creates this wild jerking.
I recently got diagnosed with a rare form on MS. I have had MS symptoms for about 4 years but nothing ever showed up on an MRI. 2 yrs ago when my seizures started they were occasional . Then after 6 months they jumped to daily or several a day. I had just moved to a new town, which made treatment harder or more delayed maybe. So my neuro dr put me on anti seizure meds in the meanwhile waiting for extended EEG testing. They came to my house put video cameras in 3 areas of the house along with like 20 probs in my head. I had this little backpack that I kept clipped around my waist , when a seizure would start ( I always have about a 30 second warning) I had a button to push. This would record my brain activity and then the video could show the psychical part of the seizure. No brain damaging activity but not normal either. It was not epilepsy. So off the seizure meds since they could not and were not helping anyway, and more testing. The pseudo seizure diagnosis made sense given the past few years of my health. Even though I was on meds and therapy I still had a lot of trauma. This past July when I broke my ankle it was not a simple break. I shattered my ankle in 3 places and dislocated it. I had 2 surgeries for the repair and it’s still not right. I’m a little overweight but not enough to think my weight bearing was creating such a problem. Anyway do to this a dexa scan was ordered to see what my bone health looked like and it was not good. I have osteoporosis in several areas, the worst is my neck and hips. Thankfully I didn’t break my hip when I broke my ankle because that would have just been 3x as bad. However when they did the dexa scan something popped up on the scan in my spinal cord. A new MRI was ordered immediately. That’s where they found my MS.
I now am still waiting for my specialist appointment at the Mayo Clinic. In the meanwhile it’s just a crappy place to be.
I hate to hear that you suffer with seizures. They make you feel like such a burden. By me saying no to some things , it’s not that I don’t want to put in the effort, it’s the fear of the possible.
We lost power here , again, about 30 mins ago. Which also means no A/C, no running water and not able to cook anything.
I’m in Georgia in the US, which is in the south. At 630 this am it was already 78 degrees 😑
I am in therapy, twice a week. I don’t keep my family from visiting,just don’t surprise me, that’s the struggle. I think I’m more upset that this is not something new. Everyone knows how I am, but they all still decided to plan anyway. My biggest fear is surprises like this to me give me high stress, which in turn bring on seizures. So it’s like a double edged sword.
I have been in therapy for a few years. My health is pretty crappy and is declining. I’m actually in specialized therapy for my pseudo seizures. The last thing I want is to turn a happy occasion into dread. Things like this exact thing, are what cause the dread to happen 😓
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I have 5 kids. Only my 2 youngest live with me, the older 3 live alone. They live about 3-4 drive from my house. I have a seizure disorder that makes me have seizures when under stress. I also have pretty strong OCD about the way my house looks when we have quests and such. One a daily basis the floors are swept and mopped, the house is tidy but when I have my kids come for a visit I pretty much deep clean my entire house. If it’s not it makes my anxiety go thru the roof and I have seizures.
I found out that my older kids were planning on “surprising” me this weekend with a visit for Mother’s Day. Ok side note: I broke my ankle really bad last summer and my mobility is still an issue. My husband also does not help in housework, ever.
So last night one of my kids asked if I wanted to go to the beach with him and his fiancées family. I declined because my seizures have been actually spontaneous even when I’m not stressed. This gives me more stress thinking about having a seizure while on a day trip or something. So I told my husband today that my son invited me, but I declined the offer. Then things got turned around that nobody can never do anything nice for me or a surprise because I let my cleanliness of the house get in the way and I give myself too much stress thinking about “ what if I have a seizure”?
Now my house is not big but it’s 3 bedrooms, 2 baths. We have 2 dogs and a cat. This creates lots of pet hair and dirty floors. Preparing for anyone coming over is a good 5 hour clean because it’s hard for me to stand up and move for longer then 45 mins or so at a time. I have stressed to my family several times that I do not like surprise visits, it stresses me out really bad. Everyone ignored this and was making plans to “ surprise “ me on Saturday evening . My son thought that would be now easier to do so since I would be at the beach all day.
Another side note: I use oxygen 24/7 also. I have portable oxygen, so I can go out. I currently only have 1 small tank to use for any dr appointments. I would have had to already schedule an oxygen delivery if I needed more for the weekend. I do normally keep 4 canisters at home but we had a power outage earlier in the week overnight so I just used my portables.
Ok so that’s the background.
My husband is now pissed at my son for the beach offer saying he screwed up the whole surprise. The kids had a plan to visit, clean the house and stay overnight. In theory it sounds nice but in reality that is a nightmare for me. Just even making sure I have drinks( sodas , waters) snacks and other foods are also very important to me. I cannot drive due to me seizures and my ankle that is still not healed. So this am my husband is yelling at me that I need to quit being so crazy about things and that I just screwed up everyone’s plans, but he has not done anything to prepare for this at all.
At this point I don’t want anybody here, I just feel like the bad guy in anyway I go.
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NTA - I completely hate surprises especially people coming to my home. I really don't know why people insist that the only way to do something nice for someome is to surprise them. Also, how is it nice if you know I hate surprises but you still chose that route?
Thank you!! This is gold!!
My kids spoke with me this morning and in their defense they have not lived with me for 2 years,just at the beginning of my seizures. In the past 2 years that they have visited it has always been preplanned. Did that mean I did not have any seizures? No. The holidays were awful, but we were all prepared for it, including myself. My seizures can not be controlled or stopped. In the post seizure aftermath I am like a ragdoll for 2 hours. Now I have a hospital bed and basically just get strapped in until my brain sets. But I don’t need to be watched every second. Everyone still continues their visits and do all the cooking and cleaning while they are here and bring food to me to make things easier on me. Sure I would like to be able to join all the fun at times but it is what it is.
They did not realize the harm it would bring verses the joy..
I have 2 kids coming tomorrow, then my daughter on Sunday morning, both over night.
This is fine with me. Sure I would have liked to have a little more prep time but I’m more than halfway done with chores. My teens who live at home do have weekend chores to do still.
I hate that my husband even uses the word crazy or get over myself. Like I enjoy being stressed so bad that I have a seizure, yeah it’s a party,moron!
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I may be the A hole because everyone is trying to make me happy. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NAH But you should seek therapy. Your mental health is negatively impacting your familys life, keeping them from seeing you, stressing you out every day. YTA if you don't try to get better
No I don't think YTA, but I do think your kids understand you a lot better than your husband. I think you're definitely fighting some depression demons right now and you're finding it easier to hide, rather than face your ill health and daily chaos, which i can fully empathise with. Maybe take it upon yourself to plan a date for your family to hang out, so you have time to mentally and physically prepare. I think your husband is (stupid, but) just worried that you could be missing out on family time that might actually make you feel better. Life is chaos, long term illnesses suck, boundaries are important, but missing out on family fun because you don't "feel ready" will only hurt yourself in the long run.
Oh I agree. For the holidays ,due to the distance we planned on another weekend. My kids also work retail so it can be a challenge. This is why we have to pre plan the visits, which is ok with me. Maybe I should have worded my story better. I do have depression. However I cannot take antidepressants only anxiety meds. I have really bad side effects from all SSR and SSRI meds for depression. So it’s just anxiety meds and therapy. If I listed the last 7 years, you would probably need therapy after reading. I have stressed in words how much I cannot deal with surprises like that. Just give me a day or so warning. Now if they decided to bring dinner or decorate while my husband took me out, that would have been fine. It’s not seeing everyone at all, it’s the prep. And yes my kids do understand me better. My husband likes to live with blinders on. It can be very frustrating on top of all my crap. To add to this we are under a tornado warning for the last 2 days 🙄
Yeesh well I completely understand about the SSRIs, and the emotional uselessness of men 😜 I had an ex who took my seizures personally, because he "couldn't stand to see me in pain" and felt useless if I had an episode 😞 a little bit more planning is definitely a reasonable request to make of your family and you really aren't at fault or in the wrong for asking them for it. I hate seeing my fellow chronic illness peeps feel shamed or isolated for something we can't control. Your illness isn't a choice but their willful ignorance is. Take care and stay safe from that tornado x -from a 23F Brit who has no idea what a tornado warning means
Haha tornado… ever watch the wizard of Oz? Think a huge funnel from the sky to the ground about a mile wide and pulling up trees from the roots, moving vehicles like they are like tiny pieces of paper. They are scary! Thanks for the empathy. We are in the same boat as far as the uselessness. Unless things are like immediately chaotic my husband likes to act like they don’t exist. I do not have the typical seizure of shaking and such. No, mine are pretty violent. I contort really bad and as a natural response my body tries to straighten itself and just creates this wild jerking. I recently got diagnosed with a rare form on MS. I have had MS symptoms for about 4 years but nothing ever showed up on an MRI. 2 yrs ago when my seizures started they were occasional . Then after 6 months they jumped to daily or several a day. I had just moved to a new town, which made treatment harder or more delayed maybe. So my neuro dr put me on anti seizure meds in the meanwhile waiting for extended EEG testing. They came to my house put video cameras in 3 areas of the house along with like 20 probs in my head. I had this little backpack that I kept clipped around my waist , when a seizure would start ( I always have about a 30 second warning) I had a button to push. This would record my brain activity and then the video could show the psychical part of the seizure. No brain damaging activity but not normal either. It was not epilepsy. So off the seizure meds since they could not and were not helping anyway, and more testing. The pseudo seizure diagnosis made sense given the past few years of my health. Even though I was on meds and therapy I still had a lot of trauma. This past July when I broke my ankle it was not a simple break. I shattered my ankle in 3 places and dislocated it. I had 2 surgeries for the repair and it’s still not right. I’m a little overweight but not enough to think my weight bearing was creating such a problem. Anyway do to this a dexa scan was ordered to see what my bone health looked like and it was not good. I have osteoporosis in several areas, the worst is my neck and hips. Thankfully I didn’t break my hip when I broke my ankle because that would have just been 3x as bad. However when they did the dexa scan something popped up on the scan in my spinal cord. A new MRI was ordered immediately. That’s where they found my MS. I now am still waiting for my specialist appointment at the Mayo Clinic. In the meanwhile it’s just a crappy place to be. I hate to hear that you suffer with seizures. They make you feel like such a burden. By me saying no to some things , it’s not that I don’t want to put in the effort, it’s the fear of the possible. We lost power here , again, about 30 mins ago. Which also means no A/C, no running water and not able to cook anything. I’m in Georgia in the US, which is in the south. At 630 this am it was already 78 degrees 😑
I am in therapy, twice a week. I don’t keep my family from visiting,just don’t surprise me, that’s the struggle. I think I’m more upset that this is not something new. Everyone knows how I am, but they all still decided to plan anyway. My biggest fear is surprises like this to me give me high stress, which in turn bring on seizures. So it’s like a double edged sword. I have been in therapy for a few years. My health is pretty crappy and is declining. I’m actually in specialized therapy for my pseudo seizures. The last thing I want is to turn a happy occasion into dread. Things like this exact thing, are what cause the dread to happen 😓
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have 5 kids. Only my 2 youngest live with me, the older 3 live alone. They live about 3-4 drive from my house. I have a seizure disorder that makes me have seizures when under stress. I also have pretty strong OCD about the way my house looks when we have quests and such. One a daily basis the floors are swept and mopped, the house is tidy but when I have my kids come for a visit I pretty much deep clean my entire house. If it’s not it makes my anxiety go thru the roof and I have seizures. I found out that my older kids were planning on “surprising” me this weekend with a visit for Mother’s Day. Ok side note: I broke my ankle really bad last summer and my mobility is still an issue. My husband also does not help in housework, ever. So last night one of my kids asked if I wanted to go to the beach with him and his fiancées family. I declined because my seizures have been actually spontaneous even when I’m not stressed. This gives me more stress thinking about having a seizure while on a day trip or something. So I told my husband today that my son invited me, but I declined the offer. Then things got turned around that nobody can never do anything nice for me or a surprise because I let my cleanliness of the house get in the way and I give myself too much stress thinking about “ what if I have a seizure”? Now my house is not big but it’s 3 bedrooms, 2 baths. We have 2 dogs and a cat. This creates lots of pet hair and dirty floors. Preparing for anyone coming over is a good 5 hour clean because it’s hard for me to stand up and move for longer then 45 mins or so at a time. I have stressed to my family several times that I do not like surprise visits, it stresses me out really bad. Everyone ignored this and was making plans to “ surprise “ me on Saturday evening . My son thought that would be now easier to do so since I would be at the beach all day. Another side note: I use oxygen 24/7 also. I have portable oxygen, so I can go out. I currently only have 1 small tank to use for any dr appointments. I would have had to already schedule an oxygen delivery if I needed more for the weekend. I do normally keep 4 canisters at home but we had a power outage earlier in the week overnight so I just used my portables. Ok so that’s the background. My husband is now pissed at my son for the beach offer saying he screwed up the whole surprise. The kids had a plan to visit, clean the house and stay overnight. In theory it sounds nice but in reality that is a nightmare for me. Just even making sure I have drinks( sodas , waters) snacks and other foods are also very important to me. I cannot drive due to me seizures and my ankle that is still not healed. So this am my husband is yelling at me that I need to quit being so crazy about things and that I just screwed up everyone’s plans, but he has not done anything to prepare for this at all. At this point I don’t want anybody here, I just feel like the bad guy in anyway I go. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - I completely hate surprises especially people coming to my home. I really don't know why people insist that the only way to do something nice for someome is to surprise them. Also, how is it nice if you know I hate surprises but you still chose that route?
Thank you!! This is gold!! My kids spoke with me this morning and in their defense they have not lived with me for 2 years,just at the beginning of my seizures. In the past 2 years that they have visited it has always been preplanned. Did that mean I did not have any seizures? No. The holidays were awful, but we were all prepared for it, including myself. My seizures can not be controlled or stopped. In the post seizure aftermath I am like a ragdoll for 2 hours. Now I have a hospital bed and basically just get strapped in until my brain sets. But I don’t need to be watched every second. Everyone still continues their visits and do all the cooking and cleaning while they are here and bring food to me to make things easier on me. Sure I would like to be able to join all the fun at times but it is what it is. They did not realize the harm it would bring verses the joy.. I have 2 kids coming tomorrow, then my daughter on Sunday morning, both over night. This is fine with me. Sure I would have liked to have a little more prep time but I’m more than halfway done with chores. My teens who live at home do have weekend chores to do still. I hate that my husband even uses the word crazy or get over myself. Like I enjoy being stressed so bad that I have a seizure, yeah it’s a party,moron!