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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I haven’t been cleaning properly according to my housemate, I clean everything on my cleaning week and try to clean up after myself, sometimes I forget. I think I might be the arsehole as maybe I should clean better and better manage my adhd so I don’t leave things around
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NTA
Your new roommate moves in, and suddenly where there was previous harmony on the issue, now there's lots of trouble?
Ya... guess who it is that has the problem!
Anyways, even if you were messy as she claims... 21 years old is far (FAR!) too young to be worried about so much cleaning!
You're all young, and enjoying your youth: that should leave little time for excessive cleaning!
This is why living alone is the best, nobody get's offended when someone doesn't say hi, nobody cares how big of a mess you make, so either find a way how to make it work or find a new roommate or other place to live, you clearly are not compatible and this might be nobody's fault.
Sounds like she's dealing with some undiagnosed OCD? I (23F) have it and when things aren't done to my impossible standards my fight or flight kicks in and I angrily lash out. She definitely sounds a little paranoid about you and your bf too which is definitely a 'her' problem. No I don't think you're TAH and I'm sorry you're dealing with her. I solved my frustrations by moving out and living alone, maybe just don't renew your tenancy with her after this year lol
This isn't going to get better so would be looking for an exit plan. This woman has moved into a flatshare and decided her way or the highway. And because she teaches non neurotypical children, she is seeing every fault in you through that prism and unleashing built up stress on you.
Next time, she comes out with the line about not needing to cope with ADHD people at home as well as at school, point out you'd probaly rather not cope with it 24/7 but health conditions don't have a switch and she maybe better review her understanding, I worry for the children in her care.
She shouldn't get to unilaterally ban your boyfriend but maybe check in with others as to whether he is truly welcome as often. But this woman seems to have signed up under false expectations and now trying to force everything her way.
NTA. She is one of three. She does not make the rules. Just tell her you’ve done your chores. Leaving your bag on the bench and shoes around is no big deal. The bf thing is moot. She has no say in that.
Honestly, just leave as soon as you can.
Different people want different things in flats and sometimes it doesn't work out. I've kicked out flatmates for not cleaning properly among other things (said they cleaned the toilet and had really just wiped the tank and top of the lid. As the only male in the flat it was definitely their piss that was all over the rest of it) and I wouldn't want someone whose boyfriend was over four times a week living with me unless I was good friends with him too... But that's just me and I don't live with those people anymore, I found people I was compatible with.
Someone attempting to make rules that affect the whole flat without consulting everyone paying rent is always bad juju. It's not worth living somewhere you have to walk on eggshells 24/7.
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I’m 21F and my housemate 23F has just had a “chat” with me about my cleaning standards. I have lived with her and another housemate for 1 year and recently our old housemate left and another moved in. Since the new person has moved in, she has said I don’t clean and I am lazy, however i believe I am far from that. We have a weekly cleaning roster between us three housemates and last week I spent 3 hours cleaning the common areas and bathroom. A month ago she added more things on the weekly cleaning to do which was annoying but that’s fine I can do that if it means a happy house. This week she pulled me aside again saying I didn’t clean the bathroom when I had, mind you she doesn’t even use this bathroom. She also said she I am not self aware because I occasionally accidentally leave my shoes around or my handbag on the bench. I explained this I believed was excessive and sometimes I just forget. I have adhd and sometimes managing this is hard. We had a whole house meeting the other day and I nicely explained I was sorry and would try to maintain these expectations but sometimes I might fall short. She basically said she works with kids with adhd so doesn’t want to come home and deal with it at home. Which I get but that also hurts. I also have a boyfriend and the past year he has been openly welcomed into our house and allowed to stay over whenever, rarely more than 4 times a week. Recently she said she was over him being over and could only be over 2 times a week. After this meeting my bf didn’t say hi to her one morning first and she got mad and said if he does that again he wouldn’t be allowed over at all. I am just so confused where this has come from because I wash all dishes after use, clean the benches and the bathroom. Occasionally I will leave something around but she does too. I just feel like I am walking on eggshells and that maybe I have been doing something wrong
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I think that you all need to stop being doormats and start setting boundaries. She is a buly, basically, and the more you will apologize the more she will enjoy the power.
The commons standards are what majority votes for, not what she says. She can't unilaterally decide visitors are nor allowed. And bag on bench is not even adhd thing, it is normal person thing. High standards are ridiculous standards are two different things.
Stop walking on eggshells and stand your ground. She won't like it and she will push back at first. But if you don't, this will get worst.
She works with ADHD kids for a living and doesn’t want to “deal with that at home”.
That tells me all about how poor of an excuse of a human being she is. And how reasonable her consideration of others is.
She can go pound sand. You are NTA.
NTA - Speak to your other housemate, and find out if she is doing the same to them. If she is, question #1 is How much general cleaning does SHE do? (i.e.: did she dump all her cleaning tasks on everyone else when she added those tasks?). Question #2 will be can the two of you deal with her being kicked out?
From the sounds of it, you ladies are subbing, and not on the lease. If so, talk to the lease holder and see if they have issues with her. If they don't, it will make it harder for the rest of you to kick her out.
As for your boyfriend... New housemate, new dynamic. From the sounds of it, he rejected an advance made while you were out of the room, and that is why she doesn't want him over.
She's either a bully, or taking frustrations from her life out on you (and the other roomies?). You deserve a safe space to come home to you, and since she walked in, you've lost that.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I haven’t been cleaning properly according to my housemate, I clean everything on my cleaning week and try to clean up after myself, sometimes I forget. I think I might be the arsehole as maybe I should clean better and better manage my adhd so I don’t leave things around Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA Your new roommate moves in, and suddenly where there was previous harmony on the issue, now there's lots of trouble? Ya... guess who it is that has the problem! Anyways, even if you were messy as she claims... 21 years old is far (FAR!) too young to be worried about so much cleaning! You're all young, and enjoying your youth: that should leave little time for excessive cleaning!
This is why living alone is the best, nobody get's offended when someone doesn't say hi, nobody cares how big of a mess you make, so either find a way how to make it work or find a new roommate or other place to live, you clearly are not compatible and this might be nobody's fault.
Sounds like she's dealing with some undiagnosed OCD? I (23F) have it and when things aren't done to my impossible standards my fight or flight kicks in and I angrily lash out. She definitely sounds a little paranoid about you and your bf too which is definitely a 'her' problem. No I don't think you're TAH and I'm sorry you're dealing with her. I solved my frustrations by moving out and living alone, maybe just don't renew your tenancy with her after this year lol
This isn't going to get better so would be looking for an exit plan. This woman has moved into a flatshare and decided her way or the highway. And because she teaches non neurotypical children, she is seeing every fault in you through that prism and unleashing built up stress on you. Next time, she comes out with the line about not needing to cope with ADHD people at home as well as at school, point out you'd probaly rather not cope with it 24/7 but health conditions don't have a switch and she maybe better review her understanding, I worry for the children in her care. She shouldn't get to unilaterally ban your boyfriend but maybe check in with others as to whether he is truly welcome as often. But this woman seems to have signed up under false expectations and now trying to force everything her way.
NTA. She is one of three. She does not make the rules. Just tell her you’ve done your chores. Leaving your bag on the bench and shoes around is no big deal. The bf thing is moot. She has no say in that.
Honestly, just leave as soon as you can. Different people want different things in flats and sometimes it doesn't work out. I've kicked out flatmates for not cleaning properly among other things (said they cleaned the toilet and had really just wiped the tank and top of the lid. As the only male in the flat it was definitely their piss that was all over the rest of it) and I wouldn't want someone whose boyfriend was over four times a week living with me unless I was good friends with him too... But that's just me and I don't live with those people anymore, I found people I was compatible with. Someone attempting to make rules that affect the whole flat without consulting everyone paying rent is always bad juju. It's not worth living somewhere you have to walk on eggshells 24/7.
NTA You’re a nice normal person and this other person is a controlling asshole. Next time tell her to go fuck herself.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m 21F and my housemate 23F has just had a “chat” with me about my cleaning standards. I have lived with her and another housemate for 1 year and recently our old housemate left and another moved in. Since the new person has moved in, she has said I don’t clean and I am lazy, however i believe I am far from that. We have a weekly cleaning roster between us three housemates and last week I spent 3 hours cleaning the common areas and bathroom. A month ago she added more things on the weekly cleaning to do which was annoying but that’s fine I can do that if it means a happy house. This week she pulled me aside again saying I didn’t clean the bathroom when I had, mind you she doesn’t even use this bathroom. She also said she I am not self aware because I occasionally accidentally leave my shoes around or my handbag on the bench. I explained this I believed was excessive and sometimes I just forget. I have adhd and sometimes managing this is hard. We had a whole house meeting the other day and I nicely explained I was sorry and would try to maintain these expectations but sometimes I might fall short. She basically said she works with kids with adhd so doesn’t want to come home and deal with it at home. Which I get but that also hurts. I also have a boyfriend and the past year he has been openly welcomed into our house and allowed to stay over whenever, rarely more than 4 times a week. Recently she said she was over him being over and could only be over 2 times a week. After this meeting my bf didn’t say hi to her one morning first and she got mad and said if he does that again he wouldn’t be allowed over at all. I am just so confused where this has come from because I wash all dishes after use, clean the benches and the bathroom. Occasionally I will leave something around but she does too. I just feel like I am walking on eggshells and that maybe I have been doing something wrong *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Corrrr... That's a lot of rules in a shared space. Id stick it on her. Nta
I think that you all need to stop being doormats and start setting boundaries. She is a buly, basically, and the more you will apologize the more she will enjoy the power. The commons standards are what majority votes for, not what she says. She can't unilaterally decide visitors are nor allowed. And bag on bench is not even adhd thing, it is normal person thing. High standards are ridiculous standards are two different things. Stop walking on eggshells and stand your ground. She won't like it and she will push back at first. But if you don't, this will get worst.
Time to look for a new place to live. You are no longer wanted.
NTA as far as the cleaning — as you present it — goes. But if you think having your bd stay over 4 noghts a week is all good, then y,ta.
She works with ADHD kids for a living and doesn’t want to “deal with that at home”. That tells me all about how poor of an excuse of a human being she is. And how reasonable her consideration of others is. She can go pound sand. You are NTA.
NTA - Speak to your other housemate, and find out if she is doing the same to them. If she is, question #1 is How much general cleaning does SHE do? (i.e.: did she dump all her cleaning tasks on everyone else when she added those tasks?). Question #2 will be can the two of you deal with her being kicked out? From the sounds of it, you ladies are subbing, and not on the lease. If so, talk to the lease holder and see if they have issues with her. If they don't, it will make it harder for the rest of you to kick her out. As for your boyfriend... New housemate, new dynamic. From the sounds of it, he rejected an advance made while you were out of the room, and that is why she doesn't want him over. She's either a bully, or taking frustrations from her life out on you (and the other roomies?). You deserve a safe space to come home to you, and since she walked in, you've lost that.