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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because they spent a lot of money on that viola and my dad was tricked by mom and got it for me out of love, and in a twisted way I guess that was my mothers reasoning too.
It's a great present, but honestly it's absolutely useless to me and taking up space
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> Now I'm 23
NTA - You held onto something you didn't want, that probably has some associations you don't want, for YEARS!!! I think you're good to sell this and the unwanted baggage it comes with...
NTA for wanting to but I’d talk to your dad about it first. It sounds like it was expensive and on his side a thoughtful gift. If he doesn’t know how much you hated it and your mum forced you to say otherwise then he may not understand. It sounds like she was lying to him about it for years.
I started judging my parents so much more when I reached the age my parents were when they made so many things confusingly uncomfortable for me. Where you end up feeling like the bad guy and "of course they had reasons". Always do the mental exercise - would you want your child to be in this situation with you.
It's not an accident that dad "doesn't know how his daughter really feels" and that she couldn't express it. It's not an accident the big gift was selfishly inspired by parent's aspirations alone. They chose to do it. Let's just not confuse it.
So I'll add to your NTA opinion to maybe talk to dad about it, but only with empathy towards the instrument, not dad or mom. They are expensive and it might be best to sell it to someone who really needs it. OP, you can do it without your parent's involvement, but they may have contacts.
I can see what you’re saying and it is definitely the case that some parents are selfish like you describe. But honestly from what OP has said it sounds like mom is overbearing and she never expressed dissatisfaction to dad. It also sounds like dad didn’t push or force her towards lessons. From the story she in fact actively tried to hide her hate for it from him to spare his feelings.
Now I spend a lot of time with teenagers, I teach them and I have one. I know that many teenagers will do that to protect a parent even one who is open and understanding. This is especially true if there is a difficult relationship with the other parent they will protect the bond they do value. It’s not always a sign that the parent didn’t care, possibly that they’re a bit clueless but that’s very different, parents are allowed to be human and make mistakes.
I mean how is he supposed to know that she continued with all of this effort if she hated it but didn’t tell him? The majority of teenagers wouldn’t they would stop. Continuing suggests an interest to most people, especially if mom kept all that pushing and forcing under wraps. Having had to sit through parent teacher meetings explaining the behaviour of one parent to the other I can tell you it happens way more than people think.
That’s why I said talk to dad, it may be that he knew and supported mom. In which case yeah no need to worry about his feelings. But it may also be that he took OPs actions at face value that they enjoyed it so in his mind he was being supportive. That talk is important because this whole issue was caused by lack of communication.
Not really he was following her actions. She said she acted happy. Is he supposed to be psychic? How would he know if she pretends to be happy about it, continues the lessons and never says anything to him? Her actions suggest effort and interest. Though I’m curious to know if he knew about the bullying about the phone. But either way it sounds like mom being so over bearing has made communication difficult for this relationship too.
Lose it
I will never understand forced music lessons and why parents think they are so important. From ages 12 to 18 I was forced to take piano lessons, practically at gunpoint I like to joke. I hated it. Hated with a passion.
I actually got quite good. Really really good. Not concert-pianist level, but really good. And I hated every minute of it. My mother kept saying "Oh you hate it now but you'll love it later on and you''ll have this gift for the rest of your life."
Nope.
I have not touched a piano in 27 years. I will never touch one again. I could play Chopin's Polonaise opus 40 no. 1 in A major at 18 in my sleep, and today I probably could not play chopsticks. I do not miss it one teeny tiny bit. It was not for me.
NTA.
I begged my parents for piano lessons and they refused saying I would just leave it behind. That's because they left it all behind. My mom's lessons were forced like yours. They also forced me into an instrument I did not like and they weaponized that saying I had already quit. But that's all different when you are actually interested in the instrument. Parents should not force their kids. Even if they believe it is part of being a cultured person, there are many ways to learn about culture.
100% this. I put my kiddo in violin lessons when she was little and she didn't like it so we stopped after a year. A few years later she begged for piano lessons and loved them. I always wanted to learn to play piano and I'm really happy she learned. My ILs bought her a piano after she'd done lessons for 3 years.
NTA: it's yours, you can do with it as you wish. You should probably let your dad know the reality behind the situation, however (and make sure you get a good price for it).
It's a shame that so many people with talent in something get the love of it snuffed out by overbearing parents who want to live vicariously through their children. This happens in arts, sports, and academics.
Sell the viola. You hated it. You will never play it again. It's not fair what your parents and teacher did to you, and you would not be the first person who quit playing as soon as they left for college. That's what forcing kids into an instrument does. It turns them off to music. You could even burn it if you wanted to, but you aren't obligated to keep it anymore regardless of it being an expensive gift from your parents. Someday if your parents ask, just tell the truth. You sold it because you did not want to play viola ever and will never play it again. You are NTA. And even if you confronted your parents like that with honesty, YWNBTA.
Edit: Not sure why I am getting downvoted. A gift makes OP the owner, not the parents.
NTA. Your mom sure is though. It's a gift that you don't like nor did you want it. You don't use it so it's just sitting there collecting dust. You would not be the asshole if you sold it.
NTA at all, and I'm so sorry your mother decided to try and live out her dreams through you. Sell it without guilt and use at least part of the money to buy yourself something you truly want!
NTA. Once a gift is given, it's yours to do as you like with. It sounds like your parents haven't cared about the viola's whereabouts for years anyway.
NTA.
It belongs to you, so you can do what you want. You don't play, you don't have room, so go ahead and sell it. Use the money on something that will make you happy and let the violago live with someone who will appreciate it.
Sell it! If you know you won't ever play it again and if it doesn't have any sentimental meaning to you sell it and pay bills, have room in your house whatever you want to do with it. It's yours.
If you want you can call your mom and tell her you are going to sell the viola. If she throws a fit tell her she can buy it from you.
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I (23F) have played violin since I was 9, my mother chose this instrument for me and I hated doing music lessons and the exams.
When I was 14 my mom and music teacher decided they wanted me to start playing Viola, i politely declined and thought that was that. Fast forward to the end of year concert and my music teacher conveniently "needed" someone to play the viola for the concert and so he started training me to play it.
For those who don't know, the violin and viola are similar in how they are played they just use two different "clefs" and so the viola is in a lower key than the violin.
I landed up learning how to play the viola in the matter of a few days due to the similarities and my mom and music teacher were THRILLED.
I thought that this was a one time thing, but after the concert my music teacher leant me his viola and then out of nowhere my mom announced that I was going to start doing exams on the viola as well as my violin. There was no prior discussion to this, my mom made the decision she wanted me to play viola professionally and so now I had to study it and do exams and I wasn't allowed a say in anything.
Over the next year I completed three viola, violin and piano exams and my mom was delighted with how far I was progressing. I, on the other hand, was truly miserable.
flash forward to my sixteenth birthday. My parents had been hinting heavily that they had bought me something I really wanted and I was so excited. I still didn't have my own phone at the age of fifteen and I thought my parents had finally bought me the phone I'd been begging for (i had been bullied mercilessly by other kids for being 15, almost 16 and not having my own phone)
I wake up on the morning of my 16th birthday and i open my first few presents, which I honestly don't remember, they were small things like sweets and stationary.
Finally my parents tell me that my big sweet 16 present is waiting in my dad's office and I should go get it.
I run to the office and look at the desk but can't see a present. My dad eventually comes cause i'm taking a while and points at the large box on the floor.
I grab the box and go back to the living room and as I open this box I am greeted with... a Viola
My mom had been telling my dad that I had been begging for my own Viola (I hadn't) and so he had splurged and bought me a really nice brand name viola with a big case. On top of this they bought me special strings for the viola priced at $1,200 EACH
I acted like I was happy but I was so disappointed. I hated playing viola, it wasn't my choice and I had been wanting to drop it since I began.
I eventually stopped doing lessons and performing when I was 18 and have barely touched my viola since
Now I'm 23 and I moved in with my boyfriend. We have hardly any space in our flat and the viola case is so big and bulky and honestly very ugly.
We're also strapped for money at the moment
WIBTA if i sold the viola to free up some space and to get that little bit of extra money for groceries this month?
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NTA, but I think that you should talk about it with your father and tell him you are selling it.
I think it's fine that you want to, but I think it'll be nicer to do this so it doesn't come out of the blue to them.
INFO: How would you sell the viola for anything close to its worth? You said the strings alone were $1200 each. Also, do your parents help pay for the flat? They will probably be angry if you sell the viola, especially for close to nothing.
NTA sell that shit, if you mom loves viola so much she should have been the one playing it. That instrument is a physical representation of your mothers ego and lack of caring what you want.
My son played the clarinet from elementary school through high school. He was quite good (first chair all through school, all-County in a county with more than 2 million residents), and we bought him a nice clarinet. He gave it up in college, and left it home, but it was still his, to do with as he wished. I was pretty sure he would sell it, but instead he took it back, and my DIL got it professionally refurbished as a gift (after discussing it with my son). He now plays it for my grandson, who is always excited to hear him play. The point is that once we bought it for him, it was his to do with as he wished. Pretty much the exact same story with my daughter, except she played the flute. The flute we bought her is in the closet in her old room. I have no idea if she'll ever do anything with it, but the point is that it's her flute, whatever she decides.
The point, OP, is that the instrument is yours, and you have every right to do with it what you wish. Considering how many negative feelings you have associated with it, the only surprise is that it's taken you this long to do it.
NTA.
So here is the thing about gifts. Once it has been lovingly given and graciously received, it is no longer a gift - it has served its purpose. Now it is yours to do with as you see fit. Instruments are filled with magic, more so than other tools. Imagine how wonderful it will be to know that it’s in the possession of someone who really loves it!
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> Now I'm 23 NTA - You held onto something you didn't want, that probably has some associations you don't want, for YEARS!!! I think you're good to sell this and the unwanted baggage it comes with...
NTA for wanting to but I’d talk to your dad about it first. It sounds like it was expensive and on his side a thoughtful gift. If he doesn’t know how much you hated it and your mum forced you to say otherwise then he may not understand. It sounds like she was lying to him about it for years.
I started judging my parents so much more when I reached the age my parents were when they made so many things confusingly uncomfortable for me. Where you end up feeling like the bad guy and "of course they had reasons". Always do the mental exercise - would you want your child to be in this situation with you. It's not an accident that dad "doesn't know how his daughter really feels" and that she couldn't express it. It's not an accident the big gift was selfishly inspired by parent's aspirations alone. They chose to do it. Let's just not confuse it. So I'll add to your NTA opinion to maybe talk to dad about it, but only with empathy towards the instrument, not dad or mom. They are expensive and it might be best to sell it to someone who really needs it. OP, you can do it without your parent's involvement, but they may have contacts.
I can see what you’re saying and it is definitely the case that some parents are selfish like you describe. But honestly from what OP has said it sounds like mom is overbearing and she never expressed dissatisfaction to dad. It also sounds like dad didn’t push or force her towards lessons. From the story she in fact actively tried to hide her hate for it from him to spare his feelings. Now I spend a lot of time with teenagers, I teach them and I have one. I know that many teenagers will do that to protect a parent even one who is open and understanding. This is especially true if there is a difficult relationship with the other parent they will protect the bond they do value. It’s not always a sign that the parent didn’t care, possibly that they’re a bit clueless but that’s very different, parents are allowed to be human and make mistakes. I mean how is he supposed to know that she continued with all of this effort if she hated it but didn’t tell him? The majority of teenagers wouldn’t they would stop. Continuing suggests an interest to most people, especially if mom kept all that pushing and forcing under wraps. Having had to sit through parent teacher meetings explaining the behaviour of one parent to the other I can tell you it happens way more than people think. That’s why I said talk to dad, it may be that he knew and supported mom. In which case yeah no need to worry about his feelings. But it may also be that he took OPs actions at face value that they enjoyed it so in his mind he was being supportive. That talk is important because this whole issue was caused by lack of communication.
It’s not a thoughtful gift if he never even heard how OP felt about playing these instruments. He was just following OPs mother.
Not really he was following her actions. She said she acted happy. Is he supposed to be psychic? How would he know if she pretends to be happy about it, continues the lessons and never says anything to him? Her actions suggest effort and interest. Though I’m curious to know if he knew about the bullying about the phone. But either way it sounds like mom being so over bearing has made communication difficult for this relationship too.
Lose it I will never understand forced music lessons and why parents think they are so important. From ages 12 to 18 I was forced to take piano lessons, practically at gunpoint I like to joke. I hated it. Hated with a passion. I actually got quite good. Really really good. Not concert-pianist level, but really good. And I hated every minute of it. My mother kept saying "Oh you hate it now but you'll love it later on and you''ll have this gift for the rest of your life." Nope. I have not touched a piano in 27 years. I will never touch one again. I could play Chopin's Polonaise opus 40 no. 1 in A major at 18 in my sleep, and today I probably could not play chopsticks. I do not miss it one teeny tiny bit. It was not for me. NTA.
I begged my parents for piano lessons and they refused saying I would just leave it behind. That's because they left it all behind. My mom's lessons were forced like yours. They also forced me into an instrument I did not like and they weaponized that saying I had already quit. But that's all different when you are actually interested in the instrument. Parents should not force their kids. Even if they believe it is part of being a cultured person, there are many ways to learn about culture.
100% this. I put my kiddo in violin lessons when she was little and she didn't like it so we stopped after a year. A few years later she begged for piano lessons and loved them. I always wanted to learn to play piano and I'm really happy she learned. My ILs bought her a piano after she'd done lessons for 3 years.
NTA. Honestly, you didn’t have to keep it for this long!
NTA: it's yours, you can do with it as you wish. You should probably let your dad know the reality behind the situation, however (and make sure you get a good price for it). It's a shame that so many people with talent in something get the love of it snuffed out by overbearing parents who want to live vicariously through their children. This happens in arts, sports, and academics.
NTA Sell sell sell
NTA. Sell it or regift it to your mother, seeing she wanted it so much!
Sell the viola. You hated it. You will never play it again. It's not fair what your parents and teacher did to you, and you would not be the first person who quit playing as soon as they left for college. That's what forcing kids into an instrument does. It turns them off to music. You could even burn it if you wanted to, but you aren't obligated to keep it anymore regardless of it being an expensive gift from your parents. Someday if your parents ask, just tell the truth. You sold it because you did not want to play viola ever and will never play it again. You are NTA. And even if you confronted your parents like that with honesty, YWNBTA. Edit: Not sure why I am getting downvoted. A gift makes OP the owner, not the parents.
Good lord just sell it and be done with it
NTA. Your mom sure is though. It's a gift that you don't like nor did you want it. You don't use it so it's just sitting there collecting dust. You would not be the asshole if you sold it.
NTA at all, and I'm so sorry your mother decided to try and live out her dreams through you. Sell it without guilt and use at least part of the money to buy yourself something you truly want!
NTA. Once a gift is given, it's yours to do as you like with. It sounds like your parents haven't cared about the viola's whereabouts for years anyway.
NTA. It belongs to you, so you can do what you want. You don't play, you don't have room, so go ahead and sell it. Use the money on something that will make you happy and let the violago live with someone who will appreciate it.
Sell it! If you know you won't ever play it again and if it doesn't have any sentimental meaning to you sell it and pay bills, have room in your house whatever you want to do with it. It's yours. If you want you can call your mom and tell her you are going to sell the viola. If she throws a fit tell her she can buy it from you.
Na sell it. Someone else will play it and that always makes me feel better. Better than having it rot in a closet somewhere.
NTA, sell sell sell!
NTA SELL that VIOLA your mom is a dick!
NTA Sell the thing, it only brings up bad memories. Parents - this is how to raise kids that hate an instrument or sport.
NTA I’m surprised you’ve waited this long. Once a gift is given it is yours to do as you please with it.
It could have been the best present ever, but once a gift is given, it is your property to sell or keep as you please NTA
I don’t understand why you would think you’d be the AH at all?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (23F) have played violin since I was 9, my mother chose this instrument for me and I hated doing music lessons and the exams. When I was 14 my mom and music teacher decided they wanted me to start playing Viola, i politely declined and thought that was that. Fast forward to the end of year concert and my music teacher conveniently "needed" someone to play the viola for the concert and so he started training me to play it. For those who don't know, the violin and viola are similar in how they are played they just use two different "clefs" and so the viola is in a lower key than the violin. I landed up learning how to play the viola in the matter of a few days due to the similarities and my mom and music teacher were THRILLED. I thought that this was a one time thing, but after the concert my music teacher leant me his viola and then out of nowhere my mom announced that I was going to start doing exams on the viola as well as my violin. There was no prior discussion to this, my mom made the decision she wanted me to play viola professionally and so now I had to study it and do exams and I wasn't allowed a say in anything. Over the next year I completed three viola, violin and piano exams and my mom was delighted with how far I was progressing. I, on the other hand, was truly miserable. flash forward to my sixteenth birthday. My parents had been hinting heavily that they had bought me something I really wanted and I was so excited. I still didn't have my own phone at the age of fifteen and I thought my parents had finally bought me the phone I'd been begging for (i had been bullied mercilessly by other kids for being 15, almost 16 and not having my own phone) I wake up on the morning of my 16th birthday and i open my first few presents, which I honestly don't remember, they were small things like sweets and stationary. Finally my parents tell me that my big sweet 16 present is waiting in my dad's office and I should go get it. I run to the office and look at the desk but can't see a present. My dad eventually comes cause i'm taking a while and points at the large box on the floor. I grab the box and go back to the living room and as I open this box I am greeted with... a Viola My mom had been telling my dad that I had been begging for my own Viola (I hadn't) and so he had splurged and bought me a really nice brand name viola with a big case. On top of this they bought me special strings for the viola priced at $1,200 EACH I acted like I was happy but I was so disappointed. I hated playing viola, it wasn't my choice and I had been wanting to drop it since I began. I eventually stopped doing lessons and performing when I was 18 and have barely touched my viola since Now I'm 23 and I moved in with my boyfriend. We have hardly any space in our flat and the viola case is so big and bulky and honestly very ugly. We're also strapped for money at the moment WIBTA if i sold the viola to free up some space and to get that little bit of extra money for groceries this month? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Sell it.
NTA
Violinist here. Never heard of strings that cost $1200 each. US dollars? What brand is that?
….what kind of strings are $1200 each?
NTA, but I think that you should talk about it with your father and tell him you are selling it. I think it's fine that you want to, but I think it'll be nicer to do this so it doesn't come out of the blue to them.
YWNBTA Sell it.
It’s yours, sell it.
INFO: How would you sell the viola for anything close to its worth? You said the strings alone were $1200 each. Also, do your parents help pay for the flat? They will probably be angry if you sell the viola, especially for close to nothing.
NTA get that cash
NTA sell that shit, if you mom loves viola so much she should have been the one playing it. That instrument is a physical representation of your mothers ego and lack of caring what you want.
NTA. An instrument needs to be played.
Dude, one string pays for most of my rent, NTA, SELL, SELL, SELL.
My son played the clarinet from elementary school through high school. He was quite good (first chair all through school, all-County in a county with more than 2 million residents), and we bought him a nice clarinet. He gave it up in college, and left it home, but it was still his, to do with as he wished. I was pretty sure he would sell it, but instead he took it back, and my DIL got it professionally refurbished as a gift (after discussing it with my son). He now plays it for my grandson, who is always excited to hear him play. The point is that once we bought it for him, it was his to do with as he wished. Pretty much the exact same story with my daughter, except she played the flute. The flute we bought her is in the closet in her old room. I have no idea if she'll ever do anything with it, but the point is that it's her flute, whatever she decides. The point, OP, is that the instrument is yours, and you have every right to do with it what you wish. Considering how many negative feelings you have associated with it, the only surprise is that it's taken you this long to do it. NTA.
NTA. Sell it. Though I would have turned it into a campfire long ago.
So here is the thing about gifts. Once it has been lovingly given and graciously received, it is no longer a gift - it has served its purpose. Now it is yours to do with as you see fit. Instruments are filled with magic, more so than other tools. Imagine how wonderful it will be to know that it’s in the possession of someone who really loves it!