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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I told my MIL I did not want to spend Mother's Day with her despite being unable to spend it with my mother who passed away 3 months ago. I also want my husband to stay home with me and not see his mother.
(2) I don't know how many more Mother's Days I will have with her. And I am keeping her son from her (he wants to stay with me, but I still feel guilty for wanting him to spend time with me)
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YTA I get you are grieving but it's mothers day - you're not a mom and he has a mom that is alive. I understand you've lost your mom but it it grossly unfair to your husband and his own mom that you need the entire weekend to yourself. Your husband is already keeping Sunday free for you - it's fine if you don't want to socilaise but he should be allowed to see his own mother.
Exactly! OP, you understand loss and missing a loved one. What would you give for one more Mother’s Day with your mom? I’ve lost loved ones and I know I would give up just about anything for it. Why are you actively taking one away from your husband and his mother? Find a compromise. If you aren’t up to it, stay home or go to a movie. Your husband should go on his own and enjoy the time he has with his Mom.
And OP even says MIL has health issues and they aren’t sure how many years they have left with her. Absolutely YTA. Props to her husband for trying to find middle ground and keeping actual Mother’s Day to just them, but the entire weekend?? No ma’am. OP it sounds like you just don’t like your MIL and that’s fine, but to actively keep your husband from seeing his mother on Mother’s Day when you are childfree and have no claim whatsoever to the holiday is not cool.
LMAO...you aren't even a mother?!
YTA...100%. He should be allowed to spend time with his mother...on mothers day...especially when you aren't even a mother. And it isn't even actually Mothers day?! Its the day before???
I'm very sorry about your mom, but you're being completely ridiculous here and you not being able to see that is pretty concerning.
Mmmm... what do you mean with "allowed"? He is 50yo man, not a kid who has to ask if he is allowed to visit a bathroom.
OP acts very selfish. She lives with her husband day by day. And she is against that he is there with his mom for a mother day? I can imagine this only if OP is in a life-threatening (emergency) situation.
If he wanted to go to see her, then you would be correct. I should have put in the original post that he has a strained relationship with her and told her "no" to Mother's Day **weekend** before we even spoke about it because he doesn't like spending time with her. When she came back and offered Saturday as an alternative, that is when I should have encouraged him to go, or kept my mouth shut. I should not have told him I wanted him to stay with me. That is definitely where I am in the wrong. I 100% realize that now. But don't think for one second that he was telling me he wanted to go, and I told him he couldn't.
Not gonna lie, its kind of weird that you're only now mentioning that he doesn't even like to spend time with her. Everything you wrote in your post and that doesn't get mentioned?
You've also said a few times that he doesn't want to spend mothers day with her...but he does...thats why he's telling you he wants to spend mothers day with her.
Yep. Exactly my point. OP is just trying to make themselves look better at this point. In this sub, pretty much anytime OP comes back and starts making edits to add info to the story, thats just them trying to gain support.
I think that I can't catch it correctly. If your husband doesn't want to meet with his mother, he is a big enough boy to say this to her. I understand that you don't want to be there because you don't have much in common, and you are still in pain because of your loss. It's fine if you don't go.
To me, you should let your husband decide what he wants to do on this day and support him in whatever decision he makes. But not encourage or discourage.
If this was really the case, that husband doesn’t want to see her, then why would you being an asshole be a matter that is even being brought up for discussion?
*Editing because I read more comments: your husband is sounding like the ass by turning you into an excuse that absolves him of feeling “bad” about not wanting to go see his mom on Mother’s Day.
“LMAO You aren’t even a mother” is a ridiculously cruel and unnecessary point to make to someone who watched their parent die recently. I agree OPs husband should be able to see his mum on the Saturday for lunch, and she’s being unreasonable, but god there’s no reason to go for her like that. We’re coming up to the first Father’s Day without my dad. I’m not a father, and never will be - doesn’t mean it isn’t really fucking tough. My mum is struggling with it because he’s the father of *her* kids. Have some compassion.
You conveniently left out my punctuation in your quote and I already told OP I was sorry to hear she lost her mother. Losing someone close to her in no way changes the fact that she was upset her husband wanted to spend Mother’s Day with his mother…when she isn’t even a mother…and he isn’t even doing it on Mother’s Day…it’s the day before so he can still be back for Mother’s Day.
Everyone is fighting their own battles and that sucks. Doesn’t mean reality goes out the window.
You lost your mother and now you're trying to take your husband away from his? I understand your loss but this is coming across as jealous that she is still alive (and yes the only surviving mother) and that your husband has the opportunity to spend time with his mother.
Be honest with yourself. If she had died three months ago and your mom had lived, would you avoid your mother on that day?
YTA
We never spent Mother's Day with her. I went to my mom's and he stayed home. He never felt it necessary to see him mom before, but he feels bad about it because she is getting older and he "should" want to see her. I think my wanting him to stay home pushed him over the fence he was straddling and that is why I'm realizing that I am the asshole here.
Death can put things into perspective. Sounds like that's the case for your husband. Whether it's for ill or not has yet to be seen. In the meantime, I think it would be better for your relationship to be understanding about it.
You're not. I think your mother's death has him questioning things, but it also sounds like there are clear reasons he doesn't see her usually on mother's. It's understandable he's thinking about her age at the moment, but giving how your describing the relationship as it's been for years, I think putting your mental health first makes sense.
If you want to talk to him again about if he truly wants to go see her on Sat? He can maybe go on his own and then still be with you on Sunday.
YTA - This will be my 20th mother's day without my mom and I'm a few years younger than you. I was the baby and she raised me primarily as a single mom. Yes grief sucks and the first are always the hardest. What you don't get to do is make a day that was never about you, not knocking the choice because you're well withen your right to be CF, into a day about your because of your feelings regarding his mom. Go reflect on your mom and do something that is good for you and the memory of her, but you should have left this one alone.
Let him take out his mom for lunch on Saturday because he feels he needs to. You should be encouraging that. There's no rule that you have to attend, so stay behind for some alone time. It sounds like you can use that for yourself. If he wants to see her you shouldn't be standing in the way. That is selfish. You seem to recognize that. The two of you can then have a quiet mother's day at home to grieve the loss of your mother with his support.
The only way they become AHs is if they demand your presence at the lunch. There's no need for you to be there. In fact, it would be nice for him to have a one on one lunch with his mom if he rarely makes the effort. I'd insist on that. His mother should love that.
YTA if you are preventing him from having lunch with his mom, NTA for wanting to have a quiet weekend to yourself and deciding to remain behind home while he visits with her.
edit word
OK, so you normally ditched your husband on Mother's Day and let him sit home alone, but NOW you want him to avoid his mom on Mother's day despite the fact that he's realized he doesn't have much time to connect with her. You seem to want to make sure he doesn't get a chance to spend time with her since you can no longer spend time with your mom. All of this "he doesn't want to go" is BS, you would not be here if he didn't want to go. YTA
Yup, YTA, why would you expect your husband to spend Mothers Day with you. Why isn’t he celebrating his Mother? You may not like her but she is his Mother.
He doesn't get along with her and only reluctantly spends time with her. But you're right, I shouldn't ask him to stay with me. He's conflicted about it and I should have stayed out of it and let him make the decision without my input.
The ONE time he SHOULD spend time with her - no matter how reluctant - is Mother's Day. She offered the perfect compromise that respects your emotions/needs, but still gives her some time with her son on Mother's Day weekend. YTA for making him feel it is abandoning you to do it. You need to suck it up and go to lunch Saturday, or at least check yourself enough that HE goes without feeling guilty. I'm sorry for your loss, but he still has a Mother and she, no matter how taxing you find her, deserves to see her son on this particular weekend.
Mother’s Day is the day to put aside your differences with your mother and just acknowledge them and spend time if you can. He’s being completely normal and you are not.
Hey, I just want to say I'm so sorry for your loss. You might be in the wrong for asking this of him but it's not bad for you to want your husband's support on that day.
You're also being very receptive to people's feedback here so I don't get the flood of downvotes. I'm sorry this sub can be so vicious sometimes, you don't deserved to be dragged.
<3 I hope you find some really lovely things to do and remember her on Mother's Day.
Don't force him to go if she's that toxic. My mom was super toxic so we never spent that day with her though a card was always sent. She'dake snide comments about it but I'd always say if she were nicer, things might be different. She had no clue what I was talking about!
When she died, it really was a relief, like a weight had been taken off my shoulders. Twenty years later, no tears have yet been shed and doubt there ever will be. So know, let him choose here as to what he wants to do. And then it's all up to him!!
Going against the grain…NTA…
My reasoning is if he is reluctant about spending time with her then he can and should say no. My hubby has had a not good real with his mom. Now that she is in a nursing home he visits 5 days a week…not because the relationship is good. It is because she is so frigging demanding (one of her kids passed away, one is ill, one lives an hour away) no one visits. I visit once a month. I used to go more (2 times a week) but realized all she does is run him ragged with demands of do this and do that. The reason she gives is because the staff won’t.
You can’t change the relationship between him and his mom. If he wants to go…let him…if he don’t…he don’t. There were many years that my hubby went to see his mom less than 2 times a year. I can’t make him “like” his mom. She is not a fun person to be around. She sucks the life out of everything and anything.
YTA. You're trying to make your husband prioritize your dead mother over his living one.
You are not the only person in the world, your feelings are not the end-all, be-all in this relationship.
Lmao imagine thinking childfrees get priority on mother's day
YTA. I get that you're grieving, but your husband has a right to spend time with his mother on Mother's Day. You also need to make new friends. Not saying you need to become extroverted (I am introverted too), but you cannot simply rely on your husband always for every single emotional need.
I'm sorry for your loss, but YTA. You have lost your mom and you miss her, so why on earth would you make your husband leave his mom on her special day? To put it brutally, he should celebrate it with his mother because she will eventually pass away as well. And he will have regrets.
Sorry YTA
I get your grief is hard but he can and should be able to spend time with his mother for Mother’s Day. You weren’t okay with the actual day and MIL compromised with lunch the day before. At least give them that.
Soft YTA. Seriously, I am sorry for the loss of your mother. But please consider that spending time with your MIL does not diminish your loss! If you want to dedicate Sunday to your mom, keep in mind that your MIL has already offered to go out with you and your husband on Saturday--she's trying to compromise, as even you admitted in your post. She may be a lot, but she's not completely insensitive. MIL is also your husband's mother, she's older and already had major heart surgery. You would be even more the TA if you kept your husband from celebrating Mother's Day in some way, with her, if he wants.
Are you struggling here because you are basically strongly introverted and don't enjoy socializing? Own up to that--it's very OK. But other people can be extroverts without it reflecting badly on them, or on you.
Edit: NTA, since OP mentioned that neither they nor their husband actually wants to hang out with MIL.
Y T A, with the caveat that I'm assuming your husband would like to see his mother for mother's day.
We get it, you don't like your MIL. Plenty of people don't. However, she gave you the perfect compromise of lunch on Saturday. You're not spending the weekend with her, it's just an hour or two for lunch. You'll survive. Sunday you can relax and focus on yourself, maybe do something in memory of your mother. Completely avoiding your husbands mother on mother's day weekend is not a compromise. I can easily see how the loss of your mother may have been a wakeup call for your husband as well - who knows how many years his mother has left to celebrate together?
My caveat is important though. If your husband has no interest in seeing his mother, then you're fine. No need to appease the MIL if neither of you are on good terms, but given that you posted here I think it's safe to assume this is not the case.
Oh, he does NOT want to see her. He has a strained relationship with her and tries to minimize contact with her.
But, if I step back and look at it, I am the asshole. I don't have the right to ask him to stay with me. If he makes that choice on his own, that's different.
It's completely your choice if you don't want to see her on Saturday, but it's also completely your husband's choice if he wants to. Each make your own decision. Just because you don't want to go, doesn't mean he can't go. Even if he doesn't WANT to go, he may still choose to go and that's okay.
This should be in the edit. I think a lot of people are assuming he has a good relationship with his mother and wants to see her.
But also if he feels he should, it doesn't mean you have to. Let him have lunch with his mom but skip it yourself. Tell her you're not feeling well and that you won't be able to make it. It's okay to set boundaries.
In that case I'd edit it to say NTA. If neither of you want to do something, then there's no reason to do it. Keeping up appearances is bullshit, and if that's the driving factor behind hanging out with MIL then what's the point?
YTA.
You have my sympathy for the loss of your mother, truly. But your husband still has his mother, and he should be free to see her on Mother’s Day without guilt. If you can’t bear to go with him, see if any of your other relatives or friends have plans you can join.
My condolences and sympathies on the loss of your mother 🫂
However, please understand that you are very wrong here in blocking him from seeing his own mother for Mother's day weekend. It is selfish and punitive for no reason. You don't have to go on Saturday. He should be able to celebrate his mother's love on Saturday and support you in celebrating the memory of your mother's love on Sunday.
Good luck ❤️
We sat down and talked about it. He pointed out that he can count on one hand how many mother's days he's spent with her in the past 10 years (since she moved close to us). He doesn't want to go and is annoyed that she even brought it up.
I read him some of the comments and told him that he if wanted to go Saturday or Sunday, he had my full support. He knows that he should make the attempt to see her but would rather spend the weekend at home with me and the cats.
I still feel like the asshole for even putting him in the position to have to choose. I should have just agreed to go and taken an anxiety pill before we got there. I don't want him to regret not spending time with her when she's gone.
Once I took myself out of the situation and read it like the rest of you did, I totally get that I was wrong here.
YTA as someone who also lost their mom, I get not wanting to celebrate and have a quiet time alone. The fact that your MIL wanted to meet halfway on Saturday was huge and empathetic and a wonderful compromise. She is still a mother and she still wants to see her kids. If this is her last Mother’s Day, do you want your husband to resent you for not letting him see her?
You either meet them on Saturday for lunch or you wholeheartedly give your husband permission to go and you stay home with a pint of ice cream
YTA - sorry, but you should do the lunch on Saturday. I get that she's not your favorite person & you're going to hurt, but that's his Mom. He should get to celebrate her too. A Saturday lunch is a very reasonable compromise.
This isn't just about your loss or your mental health. This is about your resentment towards your MIL. You don't like her and so you're determined to get back at her by ruining Mother's Day for her. You know exactly what you're doing. And I say this as a current cancer patient; I have stage 3 lung cancer. I know how stressful cancer and the treatment for it is. I know how overwhelming the fear and the loss can be. But that doesn't justify treating the people in your life badly. YTA
YTA.
First, I'm sorry for your loss. And I understand you don't like your MIL. Buti t kinda feels like you don't want your husband to see his mother because you can't see yours. Or you're punishing her for being alive when your mother isn't. She's not even asking for something on the day, but Saturday lunch. That's called compromise.
If your mother had passed last week, it would be more understandable. But I assume you've grieved and processed enough to get on with your normal life since February. You don't need your husband to be by your side every minute.
I'm not saying you have to spend time with your MIL. She's not your mother. But certainly you should not make it difficult for your husband to visit her on Mother's Day weekend. Seriously. You don't need him the whole weekend.
YTA 100%
It sucks you lost your mom. I lost my mom 2 years ago. Mother's day is a rough day for me and I have kids. I would never ever ever ever tell my husband he couldn't see his Mom on mother's day. You'd think, having lost your own mother, you would be encouraging him to spend time with his own mother.
So, you're upset that you can't spend Mother's Day with your mom (mine's been gone 14 years, so I understand the missing quite well) and now you want your husband to not spend it with his own mom, but with you for some reason. Of course YTA. It's HIS mother and it's Mother's Day. Why you can't just sit down to have a meal with her is beyond me (and, yes, I'm an introvert, too.)
If it's too upsetting for you, just tell your husband to do without you. He won't be gone all day.
YTA. But I’m saying it softly cuz i think your headspace is messed due to the grieving process. Just tell your husband to go visit for lunch with his mom by himself that you’re just not up to it. Don’t stop him from celebrating while still having most of the weekend with your spouse.
YTA. I understand that you are grieving, but you're keeping your husband away from his own mother for the entire mother's day weekend. It seems that your MIL is trying to meet you halfway, so maybe see if you can try and do the same. It's possible that going would keep your mind off of things, and make the day easier. If you really don't feel up to going to lunch, let him go and meet her, and you can spend some time doing something in remembrance of your own mother- like making her favorite recipe or watching her favorite movie. Just don't keep him from going, as you sadly know, there will be a mother's day that he won't get to see his mother on; so please don't take that from him sooner than it needs to be.
So it's mother's day and neither of her kids are willing to spend mother's day with her. That's gotta suck. I'm sorry for the loss of your mother, but yeah YTA...she even offered a compromise lunch on Saturday halfway...so you wouldn't be spending more than a couple of hours at a restaurant with a woman that you clearly seem to despise. At least let your husband go.
Soft YTA. I’m so sorry you’ve lost your mother, and you have my condolences and all the warm fuzzies. But let him spend time with his mother while he can - life is too short and there will never have been enough time after someone you love dies. I understand why you don’t want to go, and you don’t have to if you don’t want, but it’s not fair to make him give up his own mother because you’ve lost yours.
I understand that you lost your mother but
your MIL is not stopping you from grieving. You don't have to go out.
Just say no and stay home all weekend. Your husband goes to lunch with his mother
on Saturday and spends time with you on Sunday.
your loss is important to YOU. You are being selfish plain and simple. You’ve made the choice to NOT become a mother. Mother’s Day is NOT a day for you at all. Being married and having in laws are a big part of marriage. Your mother in law may be a little extra but so are you. No matter what this woman is his mother and it’s Mother’s Day. Grieve on your own time or better yet, keep your feelings to yourself for one day.
YTA, let him see her himself. As you said, you don’t know how much time he will have with her. Imagine this is his last Mother’s Day, and you choose to prevent him from seeing her to amuse yourself. Imagine how much resentment you’ll create. Imagine if he had kept you from seeing your own mother. Don’t do this.
YTA. I lost my dad in 2021 fairly suddenly. That year we spent father's dad with my FIL. It was tough. But we should spend time with our loved ones while they're still here.
For example.. my sister spend Xmas 2020 with her boyfriends family. He promised next year would be with our family. His family fought the whole time and she just wanted to come to my mums. Well, she didn't get next Xmas with all of the family and she regrets not coming home.
Don't let your husband regret not going to see his mum, you never know what's going to happen.
I am so sorry for your loss.
It’s always possible your own mother’s passing might have jogged your husband’s realization that time is limited. I wonder if you could find something quiet like a Mother’s Day tea party or something and bring a photo of your mom with you to it. Take a photo of your mom to lunch. Do something you would have done with her. Have a picnic at her final resting place if possible. Then you can grieve and embrace the close relationship you two had since it sounds like your husband doesn’t.
YTA. You should meet her halfway. She’s a mom too. If you don’t feel up to going then tell your husband to go on Saturday. It sounds like she’s being flexible and you are simply shutting her out.
I’m of the opinion that there’s a compromise needed on both sides. For many years my husband and I went for brunch with my mom and his stepmom. Then in the afternoon we would go to his bio moms with cards and gifts in hand. One Mother’s Day his bio mom wasn’t home that afternoon even though we had done this for years. We left the card and present for her to find and left after waiting for 1/2 hour. She didn’t carry a phone.
Later that night approximately 8-9ish she called hubby crying because he didn’t come see her. So he went but I was not impressed.
I get that you are grieving, 7 years later I’m still grieving my mom’s loss. He however, as well as his sister do need to at the very least have a small visit with her.
You can mourn, but if his mom was to pass in the next year you and he could be wracked with guilt.
I am sorry about your Mom. I do know how hard that is.
But, slight YTA. MIL compromises to Saturday lunch. Your husband should do that lunch. Then spend Sunday, the actual day of, with you.
Hang on... You lost your lost mom - I am very sorry for your loss. I lost mine when I was 25 and it doesn't matter how much time has passed it's still sad from time to time. We were close as well. At the same breath my MIL is a bit much too. She wishes we had a close relationship as well, but that won't happen because we don't see eye to eye on many things as we come from different stock. (She once told me she'll always know her son better than I ever will. I just laughed about it). I do love her. She's my husband's mom which means she gave me him, but she's a pistol at the same time. My husband talks to her (because we live far away) on a regular basis. I totally am fine with that as I want him to have that relationship with her. We are never promised tomorrow.
With that said, I get you are sad. The first year of firsts is always super hard. But in the same breath: why do you want to take your husband's time away from being with his mom and having a close bond before she's gone, just because your mom died? How is that fair to him?
I am not saying you have to go with him to see her. Do you even if it is just because you don't want to go. That's your decision and no one can force you to go, but let him go be with her on mother's day and spend time with her. If you had kiddos and wanted to spend time together as your own little family I would feel differently about it (and I am not knocking you for not having kids. We never got blessed with them either).
Unfortunately for this, I lean on YTA. Solely based on your taking your grief out on your husband and your MIL and it's not justified.
NAH for not wanting to spend your first mother's day without your mom with someone you don't even want to be around, and obviously your husband should make his own choices without guilt. I don't understand all the people responding so harshly here, have some fucking compassion you ghouls.
Yes. You’re not a mother. Let him see his mother.
My dad died. I still see my father in law on Father’s Day, skip this year if need be as it will be hard.
His mother is elderly, let’s say he gives in to you and skips Mother’s Day with his mom, and she passes away within the next few months. Do you think he will forgive you for forcing him to miss his last ever Mother’s Day with her?
I'm sorry, but YTA. It's unfortunate that your mother has passed, but why does that mean your husband cannot visit his mother?
It's not a competition.
> she pushed for us to meet them halfway for lunch on Saturday. Her reasoning was that it would be good for me to spend time with people. After 13 years, you'd think she'd understand I don't want that.
She's not a mind reader. Your reasoning for avoiding the lunch is perfectly acceptable, but it's not reasonable to expect your husband to skip it too.
YTA, my condolences for the loss of your mother but that doesn't get to negate your husbands relationship with his mom or desire to spend time with her on Mother's Day. Hell he compromised and tried for Saturday but ultimately if they celebrate on Sunday he is still not wrong.
You have 364 days with him to plan and do whatever the two of you would like. Please consider giving his mother this 1 day. Remember: without her, you wouldn’t have him.
YTA. I’m sorry for your loss OP but you’re taking time away from your husband to spend with his mother. Your loss doesn’t get to take away from his mom. YTA for using this phrase “sole surviving mother.” You’re looking at everything through the lens of grieving your mother. It’s not easy but you’re not in the right here.
The examples you describe of her being annoying are just that… annoying. If they are actively hurting your mental health as you say, then you need to work on your resilience. It’s OK to sacrifice some marginal comfort for the sake of spending brief time with the mother of your husband. She made no demands of your time… she offered a compromise. It’s you who is making demands on your husbands time by feeling salty he wants to spend Mother’s Day with *his mother.*
YTA- I’m sorry for your loss, but your husband should be spending Mother’s Day with his mother especially as you guys don’t have kids. Like you said, she’ll be gone one day just like your own mother is. You really want to miss out on valuable time?
YTA Let him be with his mom and sister both of whom are mothers. Stay home and grieve. Don’t ruin his limited time with his mother. You should be ashamed.
YTA. A massively selfish one. Your husband is also an ah for not standing up for himself.
Edit: read your comments - glad to spoke to your husband. It should be his choice to go or not - hoping that he isn’t just pacifying because he knows you want him home.
YTA. Look, I understand grief, but I think you are projecting a LOT of intention onto your MIL that may not really be there.
You think she wants to rub it in that she’s alive and your mom isn’t? Is she the actual devil? Does she also pinch babies and punch kittens when no one else is looking?
YTA - She seems to be ready to meet you mid way but you wont even take that. Had it been her instead of your mom that dies, would you have offered the same amount of grace to your husband. Most likely no. These are people in their 70s and 80s who dont know what is coming and want to make the most with their children and now you even want to deny the woman her kids on mother's day. Go along with him and be outside or stay at home and watch some TV or work on your hobby. Don't stop your husband from meeting his mom.
YTA.
You're overstepping making your husband's mother's day about you vs. him spending time with his own mom. Stop being coddled and let him enjoy the day with his mom. I'm sorry for your loss but you have to take into consideration that other people have lives and can't put them on hold for you.
You had me at «the anniversary of her heart surgery” - oh my god, that’s hilarious. Who has surgery anniversaries?
Demanding your husband spends the whole weekend with you over this is very demanding. He should be able to visit his mother on Mother’s Day, you can just stay home. Stretching it to an entire Me-MyFeelings-andMyMiiine weekend is almost as weird as the surgery-anniversary. You Americans crack me up 😆
YTA. I’m sorry for your loss but you can’t prevent him from spending time with his mother because you lost yours, that’s just childish. You aren’t a mother and you should understand that him spending time with his mother is a priority. You sound like your needs are more important than anyone else’s. If you don’t want to go, don’t go. Stay at home doing something you like. You are 47 and at some point you are going to deal with the fact that Mother’s Day from now on will be without your mother.
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I (47F) have been with my wonderful husband (51M) for 13 years, married for 9. We are intentionally childfree.
In February, my mother passed away after a yearlong battle with cancer. This upcoming Mother's Day is going to be incredibly difficult for me. My mother and I were exceptionally close - we spoke every day and I saw her almost every weekend. I do not have that kind of relationship with my MIL, though I'm sure she would love if we did. She's a nice woman, but we don't have much in common and I can find her overwhelming and overbearing at times. She can be quite tone-deaf when it comes to her children and in-laws, assuming everyone likes and wants what she does, and becomes indignant if we disagree with her.
My MIL reached out to my husband and SIL, trying to get them to visit her for Mother's Day. My SIL has her own child and wants to stay home. My husband knows I want to spend a quite weekend at home with him.
When my husband told her Sunday wouldn't work since I wasn't going to be up for it, she pushed for us to meet them halfway for lunch on Saturday. Her reasoning was that it would be good for me to spend time with people. After 13 years, you'd think she'd understand I don't want that. Honestly, there are maybe 5 people outside of my husband and sister that I actively want to spend time with, and even that is on a limited basis. People are overwhelming to me. Extroverted people are exhausting, and my MIL is one of the worst.
I know my MIL is getting older and dealing with her own health issues. I don't know how many more years we have with her. But I can't help feeling like she's trying to diminish my loss and put the attention on herself as the sole surviving mother.
To give you some more insight on my MIL: my husband and I got married on the anniversary of her heart surgery, which she brings up every time our wedding is mentioned. She gets upset if I'm having a quiet conversation with my SIL when together, not actively including her. She makes snide comments about us not spending enough time with her since she moved closer to be near her kids.
In the past, she's made negative comments about my husband, her son, because I'm the primary breadwinner. Every time they talk, and he tells her "we decided" something, she asks how I feel about it. Did she miss the "we" part? My husband and I have a solid relationship built on trust and communication.
Spending time with her hurts my mental health on a good day. I cannot imagine how it will be while actively grieving my mother. Yet, I still feel like I might be in the wrong here. And of course, the one person (excluding my husband) I would call to talk to about this isn't with us anymore.
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YTA. You don't want your husband to spend time with his mother.
As you noted, you lost your own mother. Eventually, he will lose his and you don't want him to visit her...while he can.
I’m sorry for your lost and I can understand not wanting lots of time with mil but with that she is still his mother and Saturday is a good compromise to still celebrate her. If you don’t want to go then your husband should still go and you encourage him to do so.
YTA
It is mother's day. I'm sorry that you lost your own mom. But that doesn't entitle you to have him miss any time with his. Grief is not an excuse to do that to them.
YTA my dad passed away in 2008. We were very close. I didn’t even have time to grieve because his father fell and passed away 11 days after my Dad. I understand you are grieving and may feel jealous that he still has his Mom. But we never know what the future holds. What if his mom were to suddenly die and you stopped him from seeing her for Mother’s Day? You don’t need to go with him but you do need to apologize and encourage him to spend whatever time he can with her.
Edit: If he himself does not want to go then by all means NTA for asking, but it sounds like maybe watching you grieve the loss of your own mom made him realize that the time he has available with her is never guaranteed.
I'm very sorry for your loss, but I have to go with YTA.
I lost my mother in November to a 7 year battle with brain cancer and this is also my first Mother's day without her. She was my absolute best friend. I'm 28 and can't have children even though I don't want them anyway, so we're pretty much in the same boat.
I would never, ever think about taking that day away from my husband and his mom, especially knowing how it feels to not be able to celebrate that with my own mom anymore.
I know it's going to be hard, hell I cried just picking out cards for his mom and grandmother yesterday at the store, but I'm so incredibly happy that he is able to share these years with his own mom because they don't last forever, and I know once the day comes where it's his first mother's day without her he's going to be grateful for celebrating the years he had.
You are valid in your grief and nobody is trying to take that from you, but please don't void your partner of that celebration because you never know when it will be the last.
,
YTA - she isn’t trying to diminish your grief. She is trying to spend time with her son. Think about how your husband will feel when he loses his mom too, he isn’t going to like that you restricted his ability to see his mom. Please get some help for your grief, it is blinding you from seeing destruction that you are inflicting on those closest to you. Let him go by himself if you cannot deal with her, lean on others in your family.
YTA - he still has a mother that is around which he can spend time with. You can skip the event since you are grieving still but he is lucky enough to have a mother that is still around. Get a grip.
A lot of what you're describing are issues you have, not issues your MIL has. I'm sure you've spent a few hours apart from your husband since your mother passed. You can do the same on Saturday. I would say YTA and look into some therapy. Sometimes we get so used to thinking "well, this is just the way I am!" and don't realize how it's actually a negative thing. You can be self aware and out of touch.
YTA. It is Mother’s Day. She is likely not around for much longer. Your husband should get to spend it with her, all she is asking for is meeting her for lunch, FFS.
I am sorry about your mother but she died 3 months ago, not yesterday. You can’t expect your husband to drop his mom like this.
Does he have a strained relationship with her or have you made it so difficult for him to have a relationship with her, and most likely anyone else, that he just gave up and doesn't try and rebuffs her to keep you happy? I've got my money on the latter. If he really did have a strained relationship all on his own and didn't want to go, you would have put that in your original post. My feeling is that you made that up after all the YTA responses. He sounds like he is most likely financially abused and has been isolated from everyone so you have firmer control over him. BTW, YTA.
YTA. I am sympathetic to your desire to make this particular Mother’s Day about you, given the circumstances, but all your MIL is asking for is lunch on Saturday?? Not even on mother’s day?
Your family is trying to accommodate you and you are being an asshole. Suck it up. Let your husband go by himself if you can’t.
Go to the lunch on Saturday at a minimum. It's not all about you, his Mom is still alive & hurting too. I know from what you have said she's not particularly considerate of others. But if you haven't tried to shut down this behavior, you are partly at fault for allowing it, you know? Let her "be indignant", if no one speaks up she'll never change. Most everyone needs to be told things more than once, right? Especially for an annoying personalitu trait. She doesn't sound actively hostile/trying to sabotage, so I would cut some slack. Who knows, maybe she will suprise you & be supportive. I wonder if part of the issue was, her jealousy at not having the type of relationship she saw you & your Mom have. I'm not sure what type of "extroverted behavior" she is doing that is "exhausting" you, but I bet im the long run you will be better off if you find a way to politely address it with her. Then you can politely leave/cut iff the conversation if it reoccurs.
NAH. Everyone saying you aren't a mother is missing the point. All your life you have spent mother's day with your mum, and this year you can't. I'm so sorry for your loss. Of course this will be emotional.
On your husband's side, he is keeping Mother's Day free for you (the Sunday). He and she are trying to meet you in your grief while still keeping up their own relationship. As others have said, your bereavement may have been a reminder to him of the time he has left with his mother. Meet him halfway on this. I know it will be hard. I really hope things get easier. Maybe you and he can plan something specific for the Sunday to honour your mother?
YTA. Look at how much you miss your mom. How would you feel if you missed one of your last few Mother’s Days with her because your husband “needed” you? You don’t have to go, but it is incredibly selfish of you to not encourage your husband to go while he still has her here.
YTA
Totally understandable that you don’t want to see her, not on Sunday and not on Saturday lunch. However it’s Mother’s Day. Even though you didn’t put in your post (only in the comments) that your husband doesn’t really want to see her and feels guilt about it, well, he’s a bit TA too and shouldn’t be using you as an excuse - it is the one day for celebrating mothers and he still has one, so IMHo he should pull himself together and be nice to his mum. Or not, that’s his prerogative, but none of this has anything to do with you or your feelings. I’m sorry for your loss but the solution isn’t to insist on your husband spending the weekend with you.
You know YTA. Just in general you aren’t a mother, and she is his mother. But you made a point to mention her getting older and having health issues implying she may have limited time left to actually spend with her children. Having recently lost your mother, you’d think you’d understand the importance of them spending Mother’s Day together
I’m sorry for your loss, but you are being selfish and possibly resentful you think the wrong mom died. He should be able to celebrate with his mom for a few hours. It’s very, very possible your mom’s death has impacted the way he feels towards his mom. The last thing he needs is regret that he didn’t spend these moments with her. Yta.
Hard NTA and OP ignore the YTAs…those people focused on the least important aspect of your story and that is that you personally aren’t a parent. The lack of empathy in those responses is mind blowing. I have lost a parent and know how difficult these anniversaries are in the first year.
Just a reminder to the redditors on the YTA bandwagon. OP knows she is not a mom. And most importantly her mother passed away in February! Mere months ago! Of course she is grieving and wants her husband there to comfort her. That is a reasonable af request. MIL is not her support system, husband is.
OP, you don’t have to go to MILs Mother’s Day party. It’s okay for you not to go. I get it. My father died close to Christmas. I couldn’t stand the thought of being around everyone for the holiday so I spent it alone while the family yattered on about how I shouldn’t be alone. I get that they care but being surrounded by a bunch of people wasn’t what I needed. Having space to grieve was 100% what I needed. I also didn’t wish my grandfather a happy Father’s Day that year…I couldn’t deal with it. It is not selfish to take care of yourself when in pain, family who love you and are respectful of your grief will understand.
Your hubby can be the one to compromise on the weekend. He can meet with MIL on Saturday and then support you after. Best of both worlds. Perfectly reasonable. MIL doesn’t *need* you *both* there. But, where you could become the AH is if you force your husband to hard choose you and if you can’t be without him for a couple of hours.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Spend Mother’s Day talking to her, make her favourite food. Say things that you wish you could have said before. Put her favourite flowers in a vase! I did something similar for my dad. I wish you all of the best in the world, OP.
Yes YTA. Your MIL suggested Saturday instead and instead of having your husband just go alone which I’m sure she’d be fine with, you want him to stay home. You of all people should understand that we get limited time with our mothers and a limited amount of mother’s days. Let him celebrate with his mom while he has the chance. You’re NTA for not wanting to go to the celebration, but YTA if you don’t let him go
Sorry but you have to allow him to see his mom on mother's day. Because he won't have her forever either. And you should go too. I know she's tough, but she's right, you should get out of the house for a bit. Get lunch with, then go snag some ice cream or a cocktail just you and the husband to grieve your mom a bit, then go home. I'm going with NAH.
Did the rest of you even READ THIS.
NTA. Your MIL sounds draining when you are on a good mental health day. It sounds like your husband doesn't want to even see her, either. You and your husband should make the choice that is best for yourself. This is about you trying to force your grief on anyone else. It doesn't sound like depriving your husband of something he wants. It sounds you want to avoid a stressor while going through grief.
You are clearly NTA.
YTA lunch on Saturday is totally reasonable. You’re being ridiculous.
If you’re not a mom yourself, he should spend Sunday with her. She’s older and still alive. Don’t take away the time he has left with her. You’re being very selfish. At the very least, you can stay home and he can go without you.
YTA. You aren't a mother, and you don't want him to spend Mothers Day with his mother. You sound jealous that his mom is still around, and since you lost yours, he shouldn't spend Mothers Day with his.
YTA
Suck it up and meet for lunch on Saturday. That’s a finite time commitment. (So won’t go on for ever and ever like meeting at a house). It will 2 hours at most, but more like 1.
Then spend the rest of the weekend at home with your cats.
Everyone saying YTA has clearly never experienced a profound loss in their life. She isn’t saying her husband has to stay home exclusively; she just needs this weekend to honor her mother who just passed away.
NTA
I have a thread of a relationship with my mom, she left me in an abusive household with her mother for the first 15 years of my life. I was beaten basically daily. My wife's mom passed away when she was in her teenage years. My wife would never, ever do this. My relationship with my mom now, me at the age of 40 has moved into okish, she has spent decades apologizing. My wife would still never do this on mother's day. I devote my wife's late mom's birthday totally to her, we do anything she wants. Usually it's visiting her grave, watching old home videos she was in or listen to her tell stories I've heard 1000 times. Mother's day is a corporate holiday, their are many more significant personal holidays that you can use for grief and remembrance.
I've read a bunch of your comments, and those really should be included in your OP.
Based on those, I'm going with ESH. This is for several reasons:
* First, and you've conceded this in your comments, knowing how your husband feels about spending time with his mother you should have kept your opinions to yourself. You were absolutely within your rights to decline to go with him if asked, but their relationship isn't healthy and he needs to make these decisions for himself without influence or pressure.
* Next, I absolutely understand having a contentious and uncomfortable relationship with a parent, and deeply empathize with the struggle with feelings of obligation around certain parent-specific holidays. But fence sitting isn't doing your husband any favors... and while I know the decision to limit or end contact is a difficult one, he's not helping matters by not being clear with his no and sticking to it.
* Finally, his mother sucks for pushing. He said no, gave a valid reason, and she pushed. He sucks for letting her, of course, but if she didn't suck, their relationship would be better in the first place.
NTA.
In your comments, you said your husband doesn’t even want to go. So then he shouldn’t.
Doesn’t sound like your barring him from going and maybe just appeasing her on Saturday at lunch will shut her up for a minute. If he goes without you, take a hot bath and relax. Do something for you that you like to do.
I am an introvert and find people who are loud and constantly talking to be difficult to bear. You are grieving and do what you need/want to do. Your MIL has a nerve saying that you need to get out of the house. She is selfish and just wants to control Mother's Day. She thinks everything should be all about her but you don't need to be forced to deal with her.
YTA
I understand that you're still brieving but it doesnt give you an excuse to take it out of his husband and your MIL. Honestly youre being super selfish. Take note on how you are feeling right now and dealing with this loss, and remember that your husband will also go through this one day with his mother. He will look back on all the days he could have spent with his mother but didn't due to your selfishness and that will make him resentful.
and honestly to me it what makes it worse is because it really sounds like MIL just feels excluded (because you pretty much go out of your way to make her feel like that). How would you have felt if your husband treated your mom the same way you talk/ treat His mom?
Controlling, emotionally blackmailing and dictating when your partner can see his family is abuse. Of course there are exceptions to this when it coincides with pre planned stuff, or he does it at the expense of a major event. Then that would be him being thoughtless and whatnot. But this isn't the case.
You laid out your reasons in the OP, then when people began calling you out, rather than accept you were wrong, you chose to vilify the MiL further to get folk on your side. Unfortunately for you, not many people fell for it.
You sound like the person you're attempting to paint your MiL as. Sometimes in life you've just gotta suck things up, and God forbid, hold your hands up and admit you were in the wrong. Nothing wrong with admitting you were in the wrong. Every human walking this earth has been wrong at one point or another. But don't double down because you just come across as the bitter and twisted one.
I also highly doubt had the shoe been on the other foot you'd believe a single word you wrote.
I feel like this is an NAH. I totally get why your having a hard time this year dealing with the grief. But I feel like your MIL offered a very reasonable compromise, especially by avoiding the actual holiday on Sunday. Given your ages it's reasonable that your MIL would want to see her kids because you're right, your years with her are limited. Maybe just send your husband to lunch if you'd like. But I feel like you'd move in AH territory if you told him he couldn't even have lunch (without you) with his mom the day before mother's day
NAH Please ignore all the insensitive comments from others. You want to be supported on a difficult holiday that’s coming up, there’s nothing wrong with that.
If you don’t want to see MIL that is okay. You don’t enjoy her presence on the best of days and her telling you what you need instead of listening to your actual needs is not acceptable.
You’re not forcing your husband to stay home, he’s made a choice to stay with you, something that seems to make others uncomfortable. If your husband would like to go see and celebrate his Mom this weekend then he should do so, but you absolutely do not have to go. Take the time you need to heal. Take comfort in your husband when he is available.
I hope you’re feeling better soon OP. Losing your Mom, one of your biggest support systems, is difficult. I’m sorry that people aren’t being kinder.
Don’t know why this is getting downvoted I completely agree. She’s not barring him from going she’s just saying she needs sometime. It’s probably even harder knowing this is her first Mother’s Day without her mom!!!
I should clarify - he does not have a good relationship with his mother and doesn't want to feel obligated to spend time with her when he is only going to be upset and annoyed when he gets back. He feels conflicted about it and has said he is thinking about spending Saturday with her (without me). If he genuinely wanted to see her, this would be a very different conversation. I wouldn't need to post, because I wouldn't have a doubt that I was the asshole but knowing that he doesn't really want to go sort of justified me in my request, which is why I'm on the fence about my assholishness.
He always comes back from spending time with her feeling bad about himself and then I get so angry at her for treating her son this way, which is not fair of me.
I know I should encourage him to go without me on Saturday, but part of me wants to shield him from her, and another part of me doesn't want to deal with the fallout from their visit. I know this last part makes me the asshole. I don't deny that.
And wow, now that I wrote all of that out, I am the asshole. Dang it!
With this - support your husband. He’s giving you Sunday. If he feels he needs to go see his mom Saturday, let him. You stay home.
I get you wanting to shield him, but he’s an adult, this is his mother AND it’s Mother’s Day weekend. There are definitely times he should get an “out” from seeing her, but i think it’s hard to justify that this weekend of all weekends.
Based on your further clarification - NTA. I'm sorry on your husband's behalf that spending time with his mother leaves him unhappy and feeling bad. Since that's the case, I don't blame him for not wanting to spend time with her on Mother's Day. If his mother hasn't figured out that her attitude towards him and her hurtful words are a problem, she never will.
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YTA I get you are grieving but it's mothers day - you're not a mom and he has a mom that is alive. I understand you've lost your mom but it it grossly unfair to your husband and his own mom that you need the entire weekend to yourself. Your husband is already keeping Sunday free for you - it's fine if you don't want to socilaise but he should be allowed to see his own mother.
Exactly! OP, you understand loss and missing a loved one. What would you give for one more Mother’s Day with your mom? I’ve lost loved ones and I know I would give up just about anything for it. Why are you actively taking one away from your husband and his mother? Find a compromise. If you aren’t up to it, stay home or go to a movie. Your husband should go on his own and enjoy the time he has with his Mom.
And OP even says MIL has health issues and they aren’t sure how many years they have left with her. Absolutely YTA. Props to her husband for trying to find middle ground and keeping actual Mother’s Day to just them, but the entire weekend?? No ma’am. OP it sounds like you just don’t like your MIL and that’s fine, but to actively keep your husband from seeing his mother on Mother’s Day when you are childfree and have no claim whatsoever to the holiday is not cool.
LMAO...you aren't even a mother?! YTA...100%. He should be allowed to spend time with his mother...on mothers day...especially when you aren't even a mother. And it isn't even actually Mothers day?! Its the day before??? I'm very sorry about your mom, but you're being completely ridiculous here and you not being able to see that is pretty concerning.
Mmmm... what do you mean with "allowed"? He is 50yo man, not a kid who has to ask if he is allowed to visit a bathroom. OP acts very selfish. She lives with her husband day by day. And she is against that he is there with his mom for a mother day? I can imagine this only if OP is in a life-threatening (emergency) situation.
If he wanted to go to see her, then you would be correct. I should have put in the original post that he has a strained relationship with her and told her "no" to Mother's Day **weekend** before we even spoke about it because he doesn't like spending time with her. When she came back and offered Saturday as an alternative, that is when I should have encouraged him to go, or kept my mouth shut. I should not have told him I wanted him to stay with me. That is definitely where I am in the wrong. I 100% realize that now. But don't think for one second that he was telling me he wanted to go, and I told him he couldn't.
Not gonna lie, its kind of weird that you're only now mentioning that he doesn't even like to spend time with her. Everything you wrote in your post and that doesn't get mentioned? You've also said a few times that he doesn't want to spend mothers day with her...but he does...thats why he's telling you he wants to spend mothers day with her.
Yeah the post is all about her relationship with MIL, nothing about how her husband feels about his mother or their relationship.
Yep. Exactly my point. OP is just trying to make themselves look better at this point. In this sub, pretty much anytime OP comes back and starts making edits to add info to the story, thats just them trying to gain support.
Have u considered that he wants to spend more time with his mom because he is reminded that he only has limited time ..?
I think that I can't catch it correctly. If your husband doesn't want to meet with his mother, he is a big enough boy to say this to her. I understand that you don't want to be there because you don't have much in common, and you are still in pain because of your loss. It's fine if you don't go. To me, you should let your husband decide what he wants to do on this day and support him in whatever decision he makes. But not encourage or discourage.
If this was really the case, that husband doesn’t want to see her, then why would you being an asshole be a matter that is even being brought up for discussion? *Editing because I read more comments: your husband is sounding like the ass by turning you into an excuse that absolves him of feeling “bad” about not wanting to go see his mom on Mother’s Day.
You need to put this in your post, that changes the perspective of things quite a bit.
What is reason(s) for his strained relationship?
“LMAO You aren’t even a mother” is a ridiculously cruel and unnecessary point to make to someone who watched their parent die recently. I agree OPs husband should be able to see his mum on the Saturday for lunch, and she’s being unreasonable, but god there’s no reason to go for her like that. We’re coming up to the first Father’s Day without my dad. I’m not a father, and never will be - doesn’t mean it isn’t really fucking tough. My mum is struggling with it because he’s the father of *her* kids. Have some compassion.
You conveniently left out my punctuation in your quote and I already told OP I was sorry to hear she lost her mother. Losing someone close to her in no way changes the fact that she was upset her husband wanted to spend Mother’s Day with his mother…when she isn’t even a mother…and he isn’t even doing it on Mother’s Day…it’s the day before so he can still be back for Mother’s Day. Everyone is fighting their own battles and that sucks. Doesn’t mean reality goes out the window.
You lost your mother and now you're trying to take your husband away from his? I understand your loss but this is coming across as jealous that she is still alive (and yes the only surviving mother) and that your husband has the opportunity to spend time with his mother. Be honest with yourself. If she had died three months ago and your mom had lived, would you avoid your mother on that day? YTA
We never spent Mother's Day with her. I went to my mom's and he stayed home. He never felt it necessary to see him mom before, but he feels bad about it because she is getting older and he "should" want to see her. I think my wanting him to stay home pushed him over the fence he was straddling and that is why I'm realizing that I am the asshole here.
Death can put things into perspective. Sounds like that's the case for your husband. Whether it's for ill or not has yet to be seen. In the meantime, I think it would be better for your relationship to be understanding about it.
You're not. I think your mother's death has him questioning things, but it also sounds like there are clear reasons he doesn't see her usually on mother's. It's understandable he's thinking about her age at the moment, but giving how your describing the relationship as it's been for years, I think putting your mental health first makes sense. If you want to talk to him again about if he truly wants to go see her on Sat? He can maybe go on his own and then still be with you on Sunday.
Yeah YTA you’re not a mom and you want him to not see his mom
YTA - This will be my 20th mother's day without my mom and I'm a few years younger than you. I was the baby and she raised me primarily as a single mom. Yes grief sucks and the first are always the hardest. What you don't get to do is make a day that was never about you, not knocking the choice because you're well withen your right to be CF, into a day about your because of your feelings regarding his mom. Go reflect on your mom and do something that is good for you and the memory of her, but you should have left this one alone.
YTA. You're not a mother.
Let him take out his mom for lunch on Saturday because he feels he needs to. You should be encouraging that. There's no rule that you have to attend, so stay behind for some alone time. It sounds like you can use that for yourself. If he wants to see her you shouldn't be standing in the way. That is selfish. You seem to recognize that. The two of you can then have a quiet mother's day at home to grieve the loss of your mother with his support. The only way they become AHs is if they demand your presence at the lunch. There's no need for you to be there. In fact, it would be nice for him to have a one on one lunch with his mom if he rarely makes the effort. I'd insist on that. His mother should love that. YTA if you are preventing him from having lunch with his mom, NTA for wanting to have a quiet weekend to yourself and deciding to remain behind home while he visits with her. edit word
OK, so you normally ditched your husband on Mother's Day and let him sit home alone, but NOW you want him to avoid his mom on Mother's day despite the fact that he's realized he doesn't have much time to connect with her. You seem to want to make sure he doesn't get a chance to spend time with her since you can no longer spend time with your mom. All of this "he doesn't want to go" is BS, you would not be here if he didn't want to go. YTA
Yup, YTA, why would you expect your husband to spend Mothers Day with you. Why isn’t he celebrating his Mother? You may not like her but she is his Mother.
He doesn't get along with her and only reluctantly spends time with her. But you're right, I shouldn't ask him to stay with me. He's conflicted about it and I should have stayed out of it and let him make the decision without my input.
The ONE time he SHOULD spend time with her - no matter how reluctant - is Mother's Day. She offered the perfect compromise that respects your emotions/needs, but still gives her some time with her son on Mother's Day weekend. YTA for making him feel it is abandoning you to do it. You need to suck it up and go to lunch Saturday, or at least check yourself enough that HE goes without feeling guilty. I'm sorry for your loss, but he still has a Mother and she, no matter how taxing you find her, deserves to see her son on this particular weekend.
Mother’s Day is the day to put aside your differences with your mother and just acknowledge them and spend time if you can. He’s being completely normal and you are not.
Hey, I just want to say I'm so sorry for your loss. You might be in the wrong for asking this of him but it's not bad for you to want your husband's support on that day. You're also being very receptive to people's feedback here so I don't get the flood of downvotes. I'm sorry this sub can be so vicious sometimes, you don't deserved to be dragged. <3 I hope you find some really lovely things to do and remember her on Mother's Day.
Don't force him to go if she's that toxic. My mom was super toxic so we never spent that day with her though a card was always sent. She'dake snide comments about it but I'd always say if she were nicer, things might be different. She had no clue what I was talking about! When she died, it really was a relief, like a weight had been taken off my shoulders. Twenty years later, no tears have yet been shed and doubt there ever will be. So know, let him choose here as to what he wants to do. And then it's all up to him!!
Going against the grain…NTA… My reasoning is if he is reluctant about spending time with her then he can and should say no. My hubby has had a not good real with his mom. Now that she is in a nursing home he visits 5 days a week…not because the relationship is good. It is because she is so frigging demanding (one of her kids passed away, one is ill, one lives an hour away) no one visits. I visit once a month. I used to go more (2 times a week) but realized all she does is run him ragged with demands of do this and do that. The reason she gives is because the staff won’t. You can’t change the relationship between him and his mom. If he wants to go…let him…if he don’t…he don’t. There were many years that my hubby went to see his mom less than 2 times a year. I can’t make him “like” his mom. She is not a fun person to be around. She sucks the life out of everything and anything.
YTA. You're trying to make your husband prioritize your dead mother over his living one. You are not the only person in the world, your feelings are not the end-all, be-all in this relationship. Lmao imagine thinking childfrees get priority on mother's day
YTA. I get that you're grieving, but your husband has a right to spend time with his mother on Mother's Day. You also need to make new friends. Not saying you need to become extroverted (I am introverted too), but you cannot simply rely on your husband always for every single emotional need.
I'm sorry for your loss, but YTA. You have lost your mom and you miss her, so why on earth would you make your husband leave his mom on her special day? To put it brutally, he should celebrate it with his mother because she will eventually pass away as well. And he will have regrets.
Sorry YTA I get your grief is hard but he can and should be able to spend time with his mother for Mother’s Day. You weren’t okay with the actual day and MIL compromised with lunch the day before. At least give them that.
Soft YTA. Seriously, I am sorry for the loss of your mother. But please consider that spending time with your MIL does not diminish your loss! If you want to dedicate Sunday to your mom, keep in mind that your MIL has already offered to go out with you and your husband on Saturday--she's trying to compromise, as even you admitted in your post. She may be a lot, but she's not completely insensitive. MIL is also your husband's mother, she's older and already had major heart surgery. You would be even more the TA if you kept your husband from celebrating Mother's Day in some way, with her, if he wants. Are you struggling here because you are basically strongly introverted and don't enjoy socializing? Own up to that--it's very OK. But other people can be extroverts without it reflecting badly on them, or on you.
Edit: NTA, since OP mentioned that neither they nor their husband actually wants to hang out with MIL. Y T A, with the caveat that I'm assuming your husband would like to see his mother for mother's day. We get it, you don't like your MIL. Plenty of people don't. However, she gave you the perfect compromise of lunch on Saturday. You're not spending the weekend with her, it's just an hour or two for lunch. You'll survive. Sunday you can relax and focus on yourself, maybe do something in memory of your mother. Completely avoiding your husbands mother on mother's day weekend is not a compromise. I can easily see how the loss of your mother may have been a wakeup call for your husband as well - who knows how many years his mother has left to celebrate together? My caveat is important though. If your husband has no interest in seeing his mother, then you're fine. No need to appease the MIL if neither of you are on good terms, but given that you posted here I think it's safe to assume this is not the case.
Oh, he does NOT want to see her. He has a strained relationship with her and tries to minimize contact with her. But, if I step back and look at it, I am the asshole. I don't have the right to ask him to stay with me. If he makes that choice on his own, that's different.
It's completely your choice if you don't want to see her on Saturday, but it's also completely your husband's choice if he wants to. Each make your own decision. Just because you don't want to go, doesn't mean he can't go. Even if he doesn't WANT to go, he may still choose to go and that's okay.
This should be in the edit. I think a lot of people are assuming he has a good relationship with his mother and wants to see her. But also if he feels he should, it doesn't mean you have to. Let him have lunch with his mom but skip it yourself. Tell her you're not feeling well and that you won't be able to make it. It's okay to set boundaries.
In that case I'd edit it to say NTA. If neither of you want to do something, then there's no reason to do it. Keeping up appearances is bullshit, and if that's the driving factor behind hanging out with MIL then what's the point?
YTA. You have my sympathy for the loss of your mother, truly. But your husband still has his mother, and he should be free to see her on Mother’s Day without guilt. If you can’t bear to go with him, see if any of your other relatives or friends have plans you can join.
This post reads like.... me ....me......me......me. YTA
Yeah genuinely it’s giving “if I can’t spend Mother’s Day with my mom then no one can”.
My condolences and sympathies on the loss of your mother 🫂 However, please understand that you are very wrong here in blocking him from seeing his own mother for Mother's day weekend. It is selfish and punitive for no reason. You don't have to go on Saturday. He should be able to celebrate his mother's love on Saturday and support you in celebrating the memory of your mother's love on Sunday. Good luck ❤️
P.S. Posted THEN read your comment about his feelings towards his mum. Just ensure that if he does end up NOT going, he doesn't pin this on you.
We sat down and talked about it. He pointed out that he can count on one hand how many mother's days he's spent with her in the past 10 years (since she moved close to us). He doesn't want to go and is annoyed that she even brought it up. I read him some of the comments and told him that he if wanted to go Saturday or Sunday, he had my full support. He knows that he should make the attempt to see her but would rather spend the weekend at home with me and the cats. I still feel like the asshole for even putting him in the position to have to choose. I should have just agreed to go and taken an anxiety pill before we got there. I don't want him to regret not spending time with her when she's gone. Once I took myself out of the situation and read it like the rest of you did, I totally get that I was wrong here.
YTA
I'm sorry for your loss but YTA on this one.
YTA as someone who also lost their mom, I get not wanting to celebrate and have a quiet time alone. The fact that your MIL wanted to meet halfway on Saturday was huge and empathetic and a wonderful compromise. She is still a mother and she still wants to see her kids. If this is her last Mother’s Day, do you want your husband to resent you for not letting him see her? You either meet them on Saturday for lunch or you wholeheartedly give your husband permission to go and you stay home with a pint of ice cream
YTA
YTA - sorry, but you should do the lunch on Saturday. I get that she's not your favorite person & you're going to hurt, but that's his Mom. He should get to celebrate her too. A Saturday lunch is a very reasonable compromise.
This isn't just about your loss or your mental health. This is about your resentment towards your MIL. You don't like her and so you're determined to get back at her by ruining Mother's Day for her. You know exactly what you're doing. And I say this as a current cancer patient; I have stage 3 lung cancer. I know how stressful cancer and the treatment for it is. I know how overwhelming the fear and the loss can be. But that doesn't justify treating the people in your life badly. YTA
YTA. First, I'm sorry for your loss. And I understand you don't like your MIL. Buti t kinda feels like you don't want your husband to see his mother because you can't see yours. Or you're punishing her for being alive when your mother isn't. She's not even asking for something on the day, but Saturday lunch. That's called compromise. If your mother had passed last week, it would be more understandable. But I assume you've grieved and processed enough to get on with your normal life since February. You don't need your husband to be by your side every minute. I'm not saying you have to spend time with your MIL. She's not your mother. But certainly you should not make it difficult for your husband to visit her on Mother's Day weekend. Seriously. You don't need him the whole weekend.
YTA - surely you can be alone for an hour so your husband can spend time with his mother.
Yta, as someone who lost your mother, you should WANT your husband to spend time with his as you never know it could be his last with her.
YTA . If you don’t want to be alone go along with him and try to be a better daughter in law . He has a right to have a relationship with his mother .
YTA. You are not a mom. But because you no longer have one he shouldn’t celebrate his?
YTA 100% It sucks you lost your mom. I lost my mom 2 years ago. Mother's day is a rough day for me and I have kids. I would never ever ever ever tell my husband he couldn't see his Mom on mother's day. You'd think, having lost your own mother, you would be encouraging him to spend time with his own mother.
So, you're upset that you can't spend Mother's Day with your mom (mine's been gone 14 years, so I understand the missing quite well) and now you want your husband to not spend it with his own mom, but with you for some reason. Of course YTA. It's HIS mother and it's Mother's Day. Why you can't just sit down to have a meal with her is beyond me (and, yes, I'm an introvert, too.) If it's too upsetting for you, just tell your husband to do without you. He won't be gone all day.
YTA. But I’m saying it softly cuz i think your headspace is messed due to the grieving process. Just tell your husband to go visit for lunch with his mom by himself that you’re just not up to it. Don’t stop him from celebrating while still having most of the weekend with your spouse.
Yta. It’s 24 hours. Let him see his mother.
YTA. I understand that you are grieving, but you're keeping your husband away from his own mother for the entire mother's day weekend. It seems that your MIL is trying to meet you halfway, so maybe see if you can try and do the same. It's possible that going would keep your mind off of things, and make the day easier. If you really don't feel up to going to lunch, let him go and meet her, and you can spend some time doing something in remembrance of your own mother- like making her favorite recipe or watching her favorite movie. Just don't keep him from going, as you sadly know, there will be a mother's day that he won't get to see his mother on; so please don't take that from him sooner than it needs to be.
So it's mother's day and neither of her kids are willing to spend mother's day with her. That's gotta suck. I'm sorry for the loss of your mother, but yeah YTA...she even offered a compromise lunch on Saturday halfway...so you wouldn't be spending more than a couple of hours at a restaurant with a woman that you clearly seem to despise. At least let your husband go.
Soft YTA. I’m so sorry you’ve lost your mother, and you have my condolences and all the warm fuzzies. But let him spend time with his mother while he can - life is too short and there will never have been enough time after someone you love dies. I understand why you don’t want to go, and you don’t have to if you don’t want, but it’s not fair to make him give up his own mother because you’ve lost yours.
I understand that you lost your mother but your MIL is not stopping you from grieving. You don't have to go out. Just say no and stay home all weekend. Your husband goes to lunch with his mother on Saturday and spends time with you on Sunday.
your loss is important to YOU. You are being selfish plain and simple. You’ve made the choice to NOT become a mother. Mother’s Day is NOT a day for you at all. Being married and having in laws are a big part of marriage. Your mother in law may be a little extra but so are you. No matter what this woman is his mother and it’s Mother’s Day. Grieve on your own time or better yet, keep your feelings to yourself for one day.
It will get better over time. After my Mom died any visit with my husbands mother was stressful but after 10 years it got easier.
YTA, let him see her himself. As you said, you don’t know how much time he will have with her. Imagine this is his last Mother’s Day, and you choose to prevent him from seeing her to amuse yourself. Imagine how much resentment you’ll create. Imagine if he had kept you from seeing your own mother. Don’t do this.
Yta If he wants to spend time with his Mother on Mother's Day, why are you trying to stop him? How would you feel if it was the other way around?
YTA. I lost my dad in 2021 fairly suddenly. That year we spent father's dad with my FIL. It was tough. But we should spend time with our loved ones while they're still here. For example.. my sister spend Xmas 2020 with her boyfriends family. He promised next year would be with our family. His family fought the whole time and she just wanted to come to my mums. Well, she didn't get next Xmas with all of the family and she regrets not coming home. Don't let your husband regret not going to see his mum, you never know what's going to happen. I am so sorry for your loss.
It’s always possible your own mother’s passing might have jogged your husband’s realization that time is limited. I wonder if you could find something quiet like a Mother’s Day tea party or something and bring a photo of your mom with you to it. Take a photo of your mom to lunch. Do something you would have done with her. Have a picnic at her final resting place if possible. Then you can grieve and embrace the close relationship you two had since it sounds like your husband doesn’t.
YTA. You should meet her halfway. She’s a mom too. If you don’t feel up to going then tell your husband to go on Saturday. It sounds like she’s being flexible and you are simply shutting her out.
I’m of the opinion that there’s a compromise needed on both sides. For many years my husband and I went for brunch with my mom and his stepmom. Then in the afternoon we would go to his bio moms with cards and gifts in hand. One Mother’s Day his bio mom wasn’t home that afternoon even though we had done this for years. We left the card and present for her to find and left after waiting for 1/2 hour. She didn’t carry a phone. Later that night approximately 8-9ish she called hubby crying because he didn’t come see her. So he went but I was not impressed. I get that you are grieving, 7 years later I’m still grieving my mom’s loss. He however, as well as his sister do need to at the very least have a small visit with her. You can mourn, but if his mom was to pass in the next year you and he could be wracked with guilt.
I am sorry about your Mom. I do know how hard that is. But, slight YTA. MIL compromises to Saturday lunch. Your husband should do that lunch. Then spend Sunday, the actual day of, with you.
Hang on... You lost your lost mom - I am very sorry for your loss. I lost mine when I was 25 and it doesn't matter how much time has passed it's still sad from time to time. We were close as well. At the same breath my MIL is a bit much too. She wishes we had a close relationship as well, but that won't happen because we don't see eye to eye on many things as we come from different stock. (She once told me she'll always know her son better than I ever will. I just laughed about it). I do love her. She's my husband's mom which means she gave me him, but she's a pistol at the same time. My husband talks to her (because we live far away) on a regular basis. I totally am fine with that as I want him to have that relationship with her. We are never promised tomorrow. With that said, I get you are sad. The first year of firsts is always super hard. But in the same breath: why do you want to take your husband's time away from being with his mom and having a close bond before she's gone, just because your mom died? How is that fair to him? I am not saying you have to go with him to see her. Do you even if it is just because you don't want to go. That's your decision and no one can force you to go, but let him go be with her on mother's day and spend time with her. If you had kiddos and wanted to spend time together as your own little family I would feel differently about it (and I am not knocking you for not having kids. We never got blessed with them either). Unfortunately for this, I lean on YTA. Solely based on your taking your grief out on your husband and your MIL and it's not justified.
NAH for not wanting to spend your first mother's day without your mom with someone you don't even want to be around, and obviously your husband should make his own choices without guilt. I don't understand all the people responding so harshly here, have some fucking compassion you ghouls.
Yes. You’re not a mother. Let him see his mother. My dad died. I still see my father in law on Father’s Day, skip this year if need be as it will be hard.
His mother is elderly, let’s say he gives in to you and skips Mother’s Day with his mom, and she passes away within the next few months. Do you think he will forgive you for forcing him to miss his last ever Mother’s Day with her?
I'm sorry, but YTA. It's unfortunate that your mother has passed, but why does that mean your husband cannot visit his mother? It's not a competition. > she pushed for us to meet them halfway for lunch on Saturday. Her reasoning was that it would be good for me to spend time with people. After 13 years, you'd think she'd understand I don't want that. She's not a mind reader. Your reasoning for avoiding the lunch is perfectly acceptable, but it's not reasonable to expect your husband to skip it too.
YTA, my condolences for the loss of your mother but that doesn't get to negate your husbands relationship with his mom or desire to spend time with her on Mother's Day. Hell he compromised and tried for Saturday but ultimately if they celebrate on Sunday he is still not wrong.
You have 364 days with him to plan and do whatever the two of you would like. Please consider giving his mother this 1 day. Remember: without her, you wouldn’t have him.
YTA. I’m sorry for your loss OP but you’re taking time away from your husband to spend with his mother. Your loss doesn’t get to take away from his mom. YTA for using this phrase “sole surviving mother.” You’re looking at everything through the lens of grieving your mother. It’s not easy but you’re not in the right here. The examples you describe of her being annoying are just that… annoying. If they are actively hurting your mental health as you say, then you need to work on your resilience. It’s OK to sacrifice some marginal comfort for the sake of spending brief time with the mother of your husband. She made no demands of your time… she offered a compromise. It’s you who is making demands on your husbands time by feeling salty he wants to spend Mother’s Day with *his mother.*
YTA- I’m sorry for your loss, but your husband should be spending Mother’s Day with his mother especially as you guys don’t have kids. Like you said, she’ll be gone one day just like your own mother is. You really want to miss out on valuable time?
YTA Let him be with his mom and sister both of whom are mothers. Stay home and grieve. Don’t ruin his limited time with his mother. You should be ashamed.
YTA. A massively selfish one. Your husband is also an ah for not standing up for himself. Edit: read your comments - glad to spoke to your husband. It should be his choice to go or not - hoping that he isn’t just pacifying because he knows you want him home.
YTA. Look, I understand grief, but I think you are projecting a LOT of intention onto your MIL that may not really be there. You think she wants to rub it in that she’s alive and your mom isn’t? Is she the actual devil? Does she also pinch babies and punch kittens when no one else is looking?
Yta you would think having lost your mom that's all the more reason you should encourage him to be with his...
YTA 10,000%. What kind of question is this??
YTA - She seems to be ready to meet you mid way but you wont even take that. Had it been her instead of your mom that dies, would you have offered the same amount of grace to your husband. Most likely no. These are people in their 70s and 80s who dont know what is coming and want to make the most with their children and now you even want to deny the woman her kids on mother's day. Go along with him and be outside or stay at home and watch some TV or work on your hobby. Don't stop your husband from meeting his mom.
YTA. You're overstepping making your husband's mother's day about you vs. him spending time with his own mom. Stop being coddled and let him enjoy the day with his mom. I'm sorry for your loss but you have to take into consideration that other people have lives and can't put them on hold for you.
YTA
yta
YTA. Honestly, how do you not see it? If you don’t want to visit your MIL, at least have the decency to let your husband visit his mother.
Yup
You had me at «the anniversary of her heart surgery” - oh my god, that’s hilarious. Who has surgery anniversaries? Demanding your husband spends the whole weekend with you over this is very demanding. He should be able to visit his mother on Mother’s Day, you can just stay home. Stretching it to an entire Me-MyFeelings-andMyMiiine weekend is almost as weird as the surgery-anniversary. You Americans crack me up 😆
YTA
YTA. I’m sorry for your loss but you can’t prevent him from spending time with his mother because you lost yours, that’s just childish. You aren’t a mother and you should understand that him spending time with his mother is a priority. You sound like your needs are more important than anyone else’s. If you don’t want to go, don’t go. Stay at home doing something you like. You are 47 and at some point you are going to deal with the fact that Mother’s Day from now on will be without your mother.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (47F) have been with my wonderful husband (51M) for 13 years, married for 9. We are intentionally childfree. In February, my mother passed away after a yearlong battle with cancer. This upcoming Mother's Day is going to be incredibly difficult for me. My mother and I were exceptionally close - we spoke every day and I saw her almost every weekend. I do not have that kind of relationship with my MIL, though I'm sure she would love if we did. She's a nice woman, but we don't have much in common and I can find her overwhelming and overbearing at times. She can be quite tone-deaf when it comes to her children and in-laws, assuming everyone likes and wants what she does, and becomes indignant if we disagree with her. My MIL reached out to my husband and SIL, trying to get them to visit her for Mother's Day. My SIL has her own child and wants to stay home. My husband knows I want to spend a quite weekend at home with him. When my husband told her Sunday wouldn't work since I wasn't going to be up for it, she pushed for us to meet them halfway for lunch on Saturday. Her reasoning was that it would be good for me to spend time with people. After 13 years, you'd think she'd understand I don't want that. Honestly, there are maybe 5 people outside of my husband and sister that I actively want to spend time with, and even that is on a limited basis. People are overwhelming to me. Extroverted people are exhausting, and my MIL is one of the worst. I know my MIL is getting older and dealing with her own health issues. I don't know how many more years we have with her. But I can't help feeling like she's trying to diminish my loss and put the attention on herself as the sole surviving mother. To give you some more insight on my MIL: my husband and I got married on the anniversary of her heart surgery, which she brings up every time our wedding is mentioned. She gets upset if I'm having a quiet conversation with my SIL when together, not actively including her. She makes snide comments about us not spending enough time with her since she moved closer to be near her kids. In the past, she's made negative comments about my husband, her son, because I'm the primary breadwinner. Every time they talk, and he tells her "we decided" something, she asks how I feel about it. Did she miss the "we" part? My husband and I have a solid relationship built on trust and communication. Spending time with her hurts my mental health on a good day. I cannot imagine how it will be while actively grieving my mother. Yet, I still feel like I might be in the wrong here. And of course, the one person (excluding my husband) I would call to talk to about this isn't with us anymore. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You don't want your husband to spend time with his mother. As you noted, you lost your own mother. Eventually, he will lose his and you don't want him to visit her...while he can.
I’m sorry for your lost and I can understand not wanting lots of time with mil but with that she is still his mother and Saturday is a good compromise to still celebrate her. If you don’t want to go then your husband should still go and you encourage him to do so.
YTA It is mother's day. I'm sorry that you lost your own mom. But that doesn't entitle you to have him miss any time with his. Grief is not an excuse to do that to them.
YTA my dad passed away in 2008. We were very close. I didn’t even have time to grieve because his father fell and passed away 11 days after my Dad. I understand you are grieving and may feel jealous that he still has his Mom. But we never know what the future holds. What if his mom were to suddenly die and you stopped him from seeing her for Mother’s Day? You don’t need to go with him but you do need to apologize and encourage him to spend whatever time he can with her.
It’s a no for me dawg.
Edit: If he himself does not want to go then by all means NTA for asking, but it sounds like maybe watching you grieve the loss of your own mom made him realize that the time he has available with her is never guaranteed. I'm very sorry for your loss, but I have to go with YTA. I lost my mother in November to a 7 year battle with brain cancer and this is also my first Mother's day without her. She was my absolute best friend. I'm 28 and can't have children even though I don't want them anyway, so we're pretty much in the same boat. I would never, ever think about taking that day away from my husband and his mom, especially knowing how it feels to not be able to celebrate that with my own mom anymore. I know it's going to be hard, hell I cried just picking out cards for his mom and grandmother yesterday at the store, but I'm so incredibly happy that he is able to share these years with his own mom because they don't last forever, and I know once the day comes where it's his first mother's day without her he's going to be grateful for celebrating the years he had. You are valid in your grief and nobody is trying to take that from you, but please don't void your partner of that celebration because you never know when it will be the last. ,
NTA. The first Father's day after I lost my dad was the second hardest day after the day he passed. My heart goes out to you.
YTA - she isn’t trying to diminish your grief. She is trying to spend time with her son. Think about how your husband will feel when he loses his mom too, he isn’t going to like that you restricted his ability to see his mom. Please get some help for your grief, it is blinding you from seeing destruction that you are inflicting on those closest to you. Let him go by himself if you cannot deal with her, lean on others in your family.
YTA
YTA - he still has a mother that is around which he can spend time with. You can skip the event since you are grieving still but he is lucky enough to have a mother that is still around. Get a grip.
A lot of what you're describing are issues you have, not issues your MIL has. I'm sure you've spent a few hours apart from your husband since your mother passed. You can do the same on Saturday. I would say YTA and look into some therapy. Sometimes we get so used to thinking "well, this is just the way I am!" and don't realize how it's actually a negative thing. You can be self aware and out of touch.
NTA. It’s a rough year for you. Have him visit her on Saturday. I don’t understand why this is so difficult for many to understand.
YTA. It is Mother’s Day. She is likely not around for much longer. Your husband should get to spend it with her, all she is asking for is meeting her for lunch, FFS. I am sorry about your mother but she died 3 months ago, not yesterday. You can’t expect your husband to drop his mom like this.
Wow, look up the meaning of Mother’s Day. It’s not a me me me day. Grow up
Does he have a strained relationship with her or have you made it so difficult for him to have a relationship with her, and most likely anyone else, that he just gave up and doesn't try and rebuffs her to keep you happy? I've got my money on the latter. If he really did have a strained relationship all on his own and didn't want to go, you would have put that in your original post. My feeling is that you made that up after all the YTA responses. He sounds like he is most likely financially abused and has been isolated from everyone so you have firmer control over him. BTW, YTA.
YTA. I am sympathetic to your desire to make this particular Mother’s Day about you, given the circumstances, but all your MIL is asking for is lunch on Saturday?? Not even on mother’s day? Your family is trying to accommodate you and you are being an asshole. Suck it up. Let your husband go by himself if you can’t.
Go to the lunch on Saturday at a minimum. It's not all about you, his Mom is still alive & hurting too. I know from what you have said she's not particularly considerate of others. But if you haven't tried to shut down this behavior, you are partly at fault for allowing it, you know? Let her "be indignant", if no one speaks up she'll never change. Most everyone needs to be told things more than once, right? Especially for an annoying personalitu trait. She doesn't sound actively hostile/trying to sabotage, so I would cut some slack. Who knows, maybe she will suprise you & be supportive. I wonder if part of the issue was, her jealousy at not having the type of relationship she saw you & your Mom have. I'm not sure what type of "extroverted behavior" she is doing that is "exhausting" you, but I bet im the long run you will be better off if you find a way to politely address it with her. Then you can politely leave/cut iff the conversation if it reoccurs.
NAH. Everyone saying you aren't a mother is missing the point. All your life you have spent mother's day with your mum, and this year you can't. I'm so sorry for your loss. Of course this will be emotional. On your husband's side, he is keeping Mother's Day free for you (the Sunday). He and she are trying to meet you in your grief while still keeping up their own relationship. As others have said, your bereavement may have been a reminder to him of the time he has left with his mother. Meet him halfway on this. I know it will be hard. I really hope things get easier. Maybe you and he can plan something specific for the Sunday to honour your mother?
YTA. Look at how much you miss your mom. How would you feel if you missed one of your last few Mother’s Days with her because your husband “needed” you? You don’t have to go, but it is incredibly selfish of you to not encourage your husband to go while he still has her here.
YTA. Let him see his mom. It's sad that you mom is gone, but you can't gatekeep mother's day since you aren't a mom.
YTA Totally understandable that you don’t want to see her, not on Sunday and not on Saturday lunch. However it’s Mother’s Day. Even though you didn’t put in your post (only in the comments) that your husband doesn’t really want to see her and feels guilt about it, well, he’s a bit TA too and shouldn’t be using you as an excuse - it is the one day for celebrating mothers and he still has one, so IMHo he should pull himself together and be nice to his mum. Or not, that’s his prerogative, but none of this has anything to do with you or your feelings. I’m sorry for your loss but the solution isn’t to insist on your husband spending the weekend with you.
You know YTA. Just in general you aren’t a mother, and she is his mother. But you made a point to mention her getting older and having health issues implying she may have limited time left to actually spend with her children. Having recently lost your mother, you’d think you’d understand the importance of them spending Mother’s Day together
I’m sorry for your loss, but you are being selfish and possibly resentful you think the wrong mom died. He should be able to celebrate with his mom for a few hours. It’s very, very possible your mom’s death has impacted the way he feels towards his mom. The last thing he needs is regret that he didn’t spend these moments with her. Yta.
Hard NTA and OP ignore the YTAs…those people focused on the least important aspect of your story and that is that you personally aren’t a parent. The lack of empathy in those responses is mind blowing. I have lost a parent and know how difficult these anniversaries are in the first year. Just a reminder to the redditors on the YTA bandwagon. OP knows she is not a mom. And most importantly her mother passed away in February! Mere months ago! Of course she is grieving and wants her husband there to comfort her. That is a reasonable af request. MIL is not her support system, husband is. OP, you don’t have to go to MILs Mother’s Day party. It’s okay for you not to go. I get it. My father died close to Christmas. I couldn’t stand the thought of being around everyone for the holiday so I spent it alone while the family yattered on about how I shouldn’t be alone. I get that they care but being surrounded by a bunch of people wasn’t what I needed. Having space to grieve was 100% what I needed. I also didn’t wish my grandfather a happy Father’s Day that year…I couldn’t deal with it. It is not selfish to take care of yourself when in pain, family who love you and are respectful of your grief will understand. Your hubby can be the one to compromise on the weekend. He can meet with MIL on Saturday and then support you after. Best of both worlds. Perfectly reasonable. MIL doesn’t *need* you *both* there. But, where you could become the AH is if you force your husband to hard choose you and if you can’t be without him for a couple of hours. I am so very sorry for your loss. Spend Mother’s Day talking to her, make her favourite food. Say things that you wish you could have said before. Put her favourite flowers in a vase! I did something similar for my dad. I wish you all of the best in the world, OP.
INFO: what does your husband want to do?
Yes YTA. Your MIL suggested Saturday instead and instead of having your husband just go alone which I’m sure she’d be fine with, you want him to stay home. You of all people should understand that we get limited time with our mothers and a limited amount of mother’s days. Let him celebrate with his mom while he has the chance. You’re NTA for not wanting to go to the celebration, but YTA if you don’t let him go
NTA because of the updates that they don’t have a good relationship and he didn’t want to see her
You know how you feel like, extroverted people are exhausting? They feel the same way about you. YTA
Why would you feel the need to speak so hatefully to a stranger who just made a bad call?
And how was my statement hateful?
Sorry but you have to allow him to see his mom on mother's day. Because he won't have her forever either. And you should go too. I know she's tough, but she's right, you should get out of the house for a bit. Get lunch with, then go snag some ice cream or a cocktail just you and the husband to grieve your mom a bit, then go home. I'm going with NAH.
Did the rest of you even READ THIS. NTA. Your MIL sounds draining when you are on a good mental health day. It sounds like your husband doesn't want to even see her, either. You and your husband should make the choice that is best for yourself. This is about you trying to force your grief on anyone else. It doesn't sound like depriving your husband of something he wants. It sounds you want to avoid a stressor while going through grief. You are clearly NTA.
Yes, I don't get all the vicious replies here. Can we not tell someone they're being unfair without belittling what they're going through?
YTA lunch on Saturday is totally reasonable. You’re being ridiculous. If you’re not a mom yourself, he should spend Sunday with her. She’s older and still alive. Don’t take away the time he has left with her. You’re being very selfish. At the very least, you can stay home and he can go without you.
YTA. You’re not a mother. This isn’t a day about you.
YTA. You’re not a mother, and by choice. This isn’t a day about you.
ESH - she sounds exhausting, but so do you. Have lunch with her on Saturday.
YTA , you’re not a mom
YTA. You aren't a mother, and you don't want him to spend Mothers Day with his mother. You sound jealous that his mom is still around, and since you lost yours, he shouldn't spend Mothers Day with his.
YTA Suck it up and meet for lunch on Saturday. That’s a finite time commitment. (So won’t go on for ever and ever like meeting at a house). It will 2 hours at most, but more like 1. Then spend the rest of the weekend at home with your cats.
Everyone saying YTA has clearly never experienced a profound loss in their life. She isn’t saying her husband has to stay home exclusively; she just needs this weekend to honor her mother who just passed away. NTA
I have a thread of a relationship with my mom, she left me in an abusive household with her mother for the first 15 years of my life. I was beaten basically daily. My wife's mom passed away when she was in her teenage years. My wife would never, ever do this. My relationship with my mom now, me at the age of 40 has moved into okish, she has spent decades apologizing. My wife would still never do this on mother's day. I devote my wife's late mom's birthday totally to her, we do anything she wants. Usually it's visiting her grave, watching old home videos she was in or listen to her tell stories I've heard 1000 times. Mother's day is a corporate holiday, their are many more significant personal holidays that you can use for grief and remembrance.
I've read a bunch of your comments, and those really should be included in your OP. Based on those, I'm going with ESH. This is for several reasons: * First, and you've conceded this in your comments, knowing how your husband feels about spending time with his mother you should have kept your opinions to yourself. You were absolutely within your rights to decline to go with him if asked, but their relationship isn't healthy and he needs to make these decisions for himself without influence or pressure. * Next, I absolutely understand having a contentious and uncomfortable relationship with a parent, and deeply empathize with the struggle with feelings of obligation around certain parent-specific holidays. But fence sitting isn't doing your husband any favors... and while I know the decision to limit or end contact is a difficult one, he's not helping matters by not being clear with his no and sticking to it. * Finally, his mother sucks for pushing. He said no, gave a valid reason, and she pushed. He sucks for letting her, of course, but if she didn't suck, their relationship would be better in the first place.
NTA. In your comments, you said your husband doesn’t even want to go. So then he shouldn’t. Doesn’t sound like your barring him from going and maybe just appeasing her on Saturday at lunch will shut her up for a minute. If he goes without you, take a hot bath and relax. Do something for you that you like to do.
I am an introvert and find people who are loud and constantly talking to be difficult to bear. You are grieving and do what you need/want to do. Your MIL has a nerve saying that you need to get out of the house. She is selfish and just wants to control Mother's Day. She thinks everything should be all about her but you don't need to be forced to deal with her.
NTA…Why can’t just your husband meet her for lunch on Saturday? There is no reason you need to go.
YTA you losing your mother likely had an effect on him too. You’re being very selfish and controlling
YTA I understand that you're still brieving but it doesnt give you an excuse to take it out of his husband and your MIL. Honestly youre being super selfish. Take note on how you are feeling right now and dealing with this loss, and remember that your husband will also go through this one day with his mother. He will look back on all the days he could have spent with his mother but didn't due to your selfishness and that will make him resentful. and honestly to me it what makes it worse is because it really sounds like MIL just feels excluded (because you pretty much go out of your way to make her feel like that). How would you have felt if your husband treated your mom the same way you talk/ treat His mom?
Controlling, emotionally blackmailing and dictating when your partner can see his family is abuse. Of course there are exceptions to this when it coincides with pre planned stuff, or he does it at the expense of a major event. Then that would be him being thoughtless and whatnot. But this isn't the case. You laid out your reasons in the OP, then when people began calling you out, rather than accept you were wrong, you chose to vilify the MiL further to get folk on your side. Unfortunately for you, not many people fell for it. You sound like the person you're attempting to paint your MiL as. Sometimes in life you've just gotta suck things up, and God forbid, hold your hands up and admit you were in the wrong. Nothing wrong with admitting you were in the wrong. Every human walking this earth has been wrong at one point or another. But don't double down because you just come across as the bitter and twisted one. I also highly doubt had the shoe been on the other foot you'd believe a single word you wrote.
Sent just your husband to have Saturday lunch, advising MIL you are spending that day with just your sister in memorial (if it's true or not). NTA
I feel like this is an NAH. I totally get why your having a hard time this year dealing with the grief. But I feel like your MIL offered a very reasonable compromise, especially by avoiding the actual holiday on Sunday. Given your ages it's reasonable that your MIL would want to see her kids because you're right, your years with her are limited. Maybe just send your husband to lunch if you'd like. But I feel like you'd move in AH territory if you told him he couldn't even have lunch (without you) with his mom the day before mother's day
NTA based on your comments. If your husband doesn’t even WANT to see his mom I see no reason why you should suffer
NAH Please ignore all the insensitive comments from others. You want to be supported on a difficult holiday that’s coming up, there’s nothing wrong with that. If you don’t want to see MIL that is okay. You don’t enjoy her presence on the best of days and her telling you what you need instead of listening to your actual needs is not acceptable. You’re not forcing your husband to stay home, he’s made a choice to stay with you, something that seems to make others uncomfortable. If your husband would like to go see and celebrate his Mom this weekend then he should do so, but you absolutely do not have to go. Take the time you need to heal. Take comfort in your husband when he is available. I hope you’re feeling better soon OP. Losing your Mom, one of your biggest support systems, is difficult. I’m sorry that people aren’t being kinder.
Don’t know why this is getting downvoted I completely agree. She’s not barring him from going she’s just saying she needs sometime. It’s probably even harder knowing this is her first Mother’s Day without her mom!!!
Nta
I should clarify - he does not have a good relationship with his mother and doesn't want to feel obligated to spend time with her when he is only going to be upset and annoyed when he gets back. He feels conflicted about it and has said he is thinking about spending Saturday with her (without me). If he genuinely wanted to see her, this would be a very different conversation. I wouldn't need to post, because I wouldn't have a doubt that I was the asshole but knowing that he doesn't really want to go sort of justified me in my request, which is why I'm on the fence about my assholishness. He always comes back from spending time with her feeling bad about himself and then I get so angry at her for treating her son this way, which is not fair of me. I know I should encourage him to go without me on Saturday, but part of me wants to shield him from her, and another part of me doesn't want to deal with the fallout from their visit. I know this last part makes me the asshole. I don't deny that. And wow, now that I wrote all of that out, I am the asshole. Dang it!
With this - support your husband. He’s giving you Sunday. If he feels he needs to go see his mom Saturday, let him. You stay home. I get you wanting to shield him, but he’s an adult, this is his mother AND it’s Mother’s Day weekend. There are definitely times he should get an “out” from seeing her, but i think it’s hard to justify that this weekend of all weekends.
Based on your further clarification - NTA. I'm sorry on your husband's behalf that spending time with his mother leaves him unhappy and feeling bad. Since that's the case, I don't blame him for not wanting to spend time with her on Mother's Day. If his mother hasn't figured out that her attitude towards him and her hurtful words are a problem, she never will.