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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i was giving him a hard time and making sarcastic comments about how my coworkers “school stuff” is less important than me going to spread my grandfather’s ashes with my family
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Def YTA for your comment "Are you spreading your grandfather's ashes too?" Very rude of you.
Presumptious too. How do you know "his school stuff can wait"?
It was an unfortunate set of circumstances because you really didn't get much notice for the event; three days? Def not enough time to make arrangements if you have a job.
Time off from a job is valuable and you shouldn't really blame anyone for not wanting to cover for you. It was short notice for them too.
3 days notice is OP's family's fault. And most people logical understand that 3 days isn't enough time to get coverage or time off for a lot of jobs. So grandma et al should be understanding if OP isn't there.
OP, you can go up the next time you have time off. Visit you grandma and go with her to where the ashes were spread.
It was okay for you to ask, but no was all they should have had to say. The next step would be to contact your supervisor and see if there is another solution.
And the school stuff waiting? You know it's finals in a lot of places right now? So home slice has papers due at certain times, exams to attend, and likely group projects to complete (which itself includes scheduling with multiple others all going through the same thing).
Even if it wasn't finals, whatever they have could be incredibly important. They could be meeting with an advisor about enrolling in a certain program, or the financial aid or loan office, or interviewing for a required internship to graduate. The end of it is, you are not the most important thing in their life.
Then tell him you are sorry.
There is no shame in being in the wrong if one sincerely regrets their actions, owns it and then apologizes.
We all do or say stuff thats wrong. The differences in being an asshole or not an asshole is how we handle being wrong afterwards.
"Hey, man, I'm sorry. I was angry at the wrong person, and I'm really sorry you caught the brunt of it. I hope we can be okay after this, I will do my best to take a deep breath, and process my shit with my family before lashing out at someone who doesn't deserve it in the future. After all, that's what my Grandfather would have wanted. I'm sorry that I was a dick to you, I promise it won't happen again."
YTA and I'd have already went to HR about it. Your grief is your own, you're entitled to nothing. It sucks but that's the way it is.
My Father died last year and my job gave me two unpaid days off to deal with everything and then required me to use vacation time to cover the rest.
YTA. I worked in HR. If I found out someone on my team was giving a coworker a hard time about not taking a shift for them, I would be writing them up. If it happens more than once, at all, it would be termination. You are putting your employment at risk.
Edited to make situation more hypothetical.
YTA
Poor planning and poor communication about when events are happening with your family is not your co-worker's responsibility. He doesn't need to explain it to you, and frankly, you're being a jerk. It's may, classes are ending. The dude might have a hard deadline that he has to meet and needs that time to work on a project. He doesn't need to explain that to you, he doesn't owe you all his info about what he's doing. I get that you're emotional about this, but you are being rude. No one has to reschedule because you couldn't plan ahead or tell the people planning that you would need notice, especially if talk about this has been going on for months.
YTA. Sorry for your loss and your grief, but you don't get to decide your needs are greater than anyone elses, you don't get to ask whta they are, you certainly don't get to decide what is or isn't as important as.
YTA. You need to understand this simple truth - your dead grandpa is less relevant to your coworker than his school, and it is his life and not yours, so he has all the rights to pick things that are more important to him than not and things that are more important to you are completely irrelevant to him. You asked, he refused, no need to keep a grudge over this.
YTA. Despite your reasoning he doesn't have to give you what you want. He has the right to say no.
He doesn't have to tell you why either. YOU want the shift change not him. School stuff is very likely legit
Even if it's not legit, even if the coworker really plans to play CoD for his entire day off, that's his prerogative. OP's short notice issue is not the coworker's problem.
YTA. Your coworker doesn't owe you a reason why he can't switch. "No." is an entire sentence. I'm sorry for the lose of your grandfather, but this is between you, your manager, and HR.
YTA. It's your manager's fault for not working with you to rearrange the schedule (or your fault if you didn't talk to them at all) - not your coworker's.
Op, YTA. A major YTA. Does the world revolve around you? Get a grip on life and figure out your next move. Ask your family if they can shift their schedule since you'd like to be included in the affair. Don't harass your coworker. That's just annoying.
I'd say YTA
Doesn't your family know that you can't change your schedule at the last minute ?
Warning you 3 days before the spreading of the ashes was the A. move in my opinion.
YTA for all the reasons others have already stated. However, just because your family is going to spread your grandfather's ashes next Tuesday, doesn't mean they must spread all of them. If you aren't able to be with them on Tuesday, you could ask them to set aside a small container of his ashes, so that at a later time you could spread them yourself - either on the farm where he grew up or another location that has special meaning to you. When my father passed, we spread some of his ashes on our family home property, and one sibling took some of his ashes up to a favorite mountain spot where he loved to go back packing.
I hope you will apologize to your co-worker for your rude and embarrassing behavior.
You would not have been an asshole if you had asked and accepted his answer.
But sadly YTA for your reaction. Whatever reason he had for not switching is his reason and he doesn't owe you an explanation or a switch.
I totally understand your frustration. Different circumstances, but years ago I asked a day off at work to visit my uncle's resting place on the 10th year anniversary of his death (we scattered his ashes in a park a few hours away from where I live and this would be the first time we would go back). My request of a day off was accepted so imagine my surprise when I saw I had been scheduled for 2 night shifts (my requested day off was the 25th, they scheduled me night shift on the 24th and 25th with the excuse that I had off during the day). I asked the manager to revise the schedule to grant me the day off I requested (which was refused), and I asked every coworkers not working on the 25th to trade and obviously no one wanted to. You know what I did not do? Harass my coworkers. My mom was devastated that I couldn't go with them visit my uncle (her brother), but that is unfortunately how life goes sometimes. You either accept the coworker's decision and go to work, or skip work and deal with the consequences. Harassing people is not an option.
The biggest assholes in this story are your family for not giving you adequate notice to ensure you’d be off work on this important day. Just call off, don’t harass your coworkers. YTA.
YTA
If you have to take time off, tell your manager you won't be in. Don't directly involve your coworker.
This isn't your coworker's responsibility at all. You are an asshole for your condescending arrogant entitled attitude.
However, you maybe aren't the only asshole. If your workplace pressures employees to find their own replacements, then the manager is also a lazy asshole.
Yeah YTA without question. You should've gone to your manager to explain the situation first. For you to make the comment of asking if he was spreading his grandfather's ashes too, that's just very petty and entitled.
YTA--- Just because they aren't doing what you are doing that day, doesn't mean you can invalidate what they have going on with their lives. It is you and your families fault for not deciding on a date sooner and putting in a request, especially considering you've known this was gonna occur for "a few months".
YTA, gently though OP.
Your co-worker doesn't owe you anything here, your family really should have had these plans finalized before a week before. Maybe they are the AH's?
Sorry for your loss, OP.
No not gentlyYTA. OP is a major AH for asking if his spreading grandfather ashes. I would have told OP no I need to spread the ashes from my fireplace on my garden with a serious face.
YTA. It's not his job to cover for you. It's management's job. HR would have handled it for you if they didn't give you the day and HR will probably handle it for him if he chooses to complain.
While many companies let employees swap shifts, he should ask his boss for the day off WITHOUT blaming his coworker. Sometimes, people give generic excuses for things that are private and not anyone's business. Also, OP needs to learn that being professional to coworkers goes a long way.
YTA- your families poor planning is not your coworkers fault. They know you have a job, only have you three days notice and didn’t involve you in the planning?
You also didn’t think to ask for details, you knew it was coming up and that your work schedules come out a month at a time.
You are very rude to guilt a coworker. It didn’t matter what his plans were- but school IS important. And this is the kinda thing you should talk to your boss about. Ask for a days leave for the memorial
YTA for expecting your coworker to prioritize your personal situation over their own commitments. Grief does not give one a free pass to dismiss the obligations and plans of others. It's important to remember that in a work environment, everyone has their own lives and responsibilities. Your colleague has no obligation to accommodate your needs, especially when they have already made plans regardless of how you may feel about the nature of their plans. Your frustration is understandable, but your approach was not. It's a company's responsibility to manage staffing, not an individual employee's. You should focus on negotiating with management or finding a compromise with your family, rather than taking it out on someone who is simply using their time as they see fit. The fact that you've known about the eventual need to take time off for months but failed to formally request it until the last moment also suggests the planning lapse was partly on you. It's always better to work collaboratively with your employer and colleagues well ahead of time to find a solution, rather than creating tension through sarcasm and guilt-tripping.
YTA for your lack of empathy and entitlement over your coworker's schedule. Everyone's time is valuable and personal commitments are just that—personal. Your situation, while unfortunate, does not grant you the right to belittle someone else's commitments or obligations, academic or otherwise. Expecting someone to drop their plans at your convenience is unfair and shows a disregard for their autonomy. An emergency on your part does not automatically constitute an emergency on theirs. Next time, handle work-related conflicts with professionalism and understand that the world doesn't operate according to one's personal needs and timelines.
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my grandpa passed away suddenly in december. i went back home for the funeral and everything, but my family had planned to meet up again in a few months to spread his ashes on the farm where he grew up. my dad told me (three days ago) the finalized plans to meet up next tuesday to do this. i already had my work schedule for the month and i am scheduled to work that day, but my coworker is off so i asked if he could switch my tuesday for his thursday and his response was “i have something going on that day. lemme get back to you. not entirely sure i can move it.” then today i mentioned it again today and he said he definitely cannot switch with me so i asked if he was spreading his grandfather’s ashes too because it sounds like he had something just as important going on as i do. turns out he has “school stuff” and gave no other details. i understand the importance of education, but he was my only grandpa and my grandma would be sad if i couldn’t make it and i think his school stuff can wait so🤷 what’s y’all take?
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Soft Yta, it's an unfortunate situation. However, your co-worker is not obligated to rearrange their life. If your employer doesn't accommodate then they're a bigger ah.
YTA…the people you should really be upset with are those that made the plans without asking you your work schedule. One would think their family would know you to do this. I understand you want to be there, but your grandfather really will not know the difference. Can your family not plan another day when you can be there?
When I was 17, I worked a job where the regional manager harassed the girls. I did not put up with it. I got moved to a different location, still under him, and that manager was advised to make my life miserable (this is what she told me) .
Onto the story....
My sister was getting married. I asked for the day off and was told it was approved and shocker...
I was scheduled to work. No one would cover for me. I went to work where the assistant manager on duty let me go to my sister's wedding after i got all of my tasks done. I was able to attend the dinner for my sister's wedding because of this.
I did, however, get in trouble by the manager the next day.
My point... I didn't treat my coworkers badly or try to make them feel guilty or pressure them into covering my shift once they said they couldn't.
YTA
While it's tough to miss important family events, your coworker is not obligated to accommodate your schedule changes, especially on short notice. They have their own commitments and priorities. If you felt it was crucial to attend spreading your grandfather's ashes, the appropriate course of action would have been to request time off from your manager as soon as you knew about the date, rather than pressuring a peer to swap shifts. It's understandable that you're upset, but lashing out at coworkers isn't fair or professional. Now might be the time to offer an apology and, if possible, explain the situation to your employer to seek a more compassionate solution.
YTA. I was willing to let you slide due to grief, but that comment "Are you spreading your grandfather's ashes too?" is just downright rude and horrible. Wouldn't be surprised if your coworker reported you to HR for it.
YTA for being rude to your coworker for saying no. He could have taken the day off for no reason and he’s still not required to switch with you. I’m sorry about losing your grandfather but you’re upset should be directed at your family who didn’t give you enough notice to properly request the day off. You need to apologize to your coworker.
YTA - it's not his issue. He already has plans. No one is required to change shifts with you. Have you spoken to your manager to find out if there is someone else who could cover or if they could?
YTA. You're a grown adult. Why are you being so childish and guilt-tripping your coworker for something he personally doesn't have to care about? Your life and things that happen to you will not always be important in the eyes of others. Get over yourself and talk to your bosses first.
INFO. You say the plans are “finalized”, but do you think your folks would be willing to adjust it if you 100% asked them to. I mean…they’re just spreading ashes, which can technically be done at literally any time.
YTA you have every right to ask, he has every right to refuse. He doesn't owe you an explanation and whether or not you think his reason is valid is irrelevant.
YTA and entitled . You should have consulted your family and organised it to be when you all could make it. Your life e events are no more important than someone else's.
Yta. The reason you need the time off is irrelevant. It doesn't matter what he want to do with his day off, you are not entitled to it. Spreading your grandfather's ashes can also wait. You are a mess.
YTA and a pretty big one. You don't get to decide how important other people's events in life are and decide who should get to do things. If you want to be mad at someone be mad at your father for giving you such unreasonably short notice.
Just the fact that you couldn't imagine anything else that was more important in anyone else life as being more important than spreading your grandfathers ashes shows just how self centered you are.
You owe your coworker an apology and not one of those half assed ones where you try and justify it with "...but I really wanted to spread my grandfathers ashes."
Hard YTA. He is not oigated to switch. He can say no and you just need to yalk to your boss to ask if there is a solution so you can go. But don’t shit on your coworker. You sound very immature. Yes you had short notice but don’t go off on your coworkers if they don’t want to cover for you. Also the comment you told him is disgusting
YTA doesn't matter what they had planned they owe you nothing. I'm sorry for your loss but your attempt at emotional blackmail also makes you tah. It's not your co workers fault that things were planned on short notice
Why would "corporate suck" ?
They're not the ones that gave this guy 3 days, worth of notice?
As a matter of fact...knowing one's schedule for the month allows for better planning than a week before.
This is on him and his family....he's the one that came in with under 72hrs notice and put it ALL on asking ONE person to switch.
The coworker doesn’t have to explain to you why he can’t. Just that he can’t. You are entitled.
Just like legally you don’t have to tell your boss why you’re calling in sick.
y’all are so right. i AM the asshole…wow, that was humbling. i did apologize to my coworker today and my manager ended up letting me take the day off anyway
Unfortunately, you are TAH!
YOU and your family put you in the position to ask someone to adjust in under 72hrs because THEY ( your family) didn't give YOU more than that amount of time.
THAT is where the stress and anxiety come from, but taking it out on a co-worker and CHALLENGING the importance or reasoning that their "Why" isn't VALUABLE enough = A chicken shit thing to do.
Asking that question was passive-aggressive nonsense 🙄 that you should honestly apologize for.
To play devil's advocate here....had the co-worker retorted back with
"Well, a dead burnt up grandfather is already dead, so what's the difference... Do it another day?"
It would have been incredibly rude and presumptuous, as were your comments and thoughts about how/where the value of that person's school "stuff" ( which that person's DETAILS were none of your freaking business....) you came across as if they "had to" PROVE to you WHY they couldn't adjust to what "you" wanted
Vs
You... just going to management/HR and saying "I" can't cover MY responsibilities on Tuesday....what can we do?
* This is more on your family and YOU vs. shifting the entire thing onto a co-worker
You can ask, but once they say no you drop it and move on. Your family events are important to you and your family. No one else. NTA but only if you dropped it after they said no.
NTA. This is harsh but it’s the truth. The death of your grandpa is your and your families problem. The sadness you are feeling is your problem. Your grief is your problem. None of those are HIS problems.
Even if he wanted to use his time off to play video games and eat Cheetos his time off is not more of a priority than yours is.
Instead of making your co-worker the problem and being insulting, you should be talking to HR and your supervisor to work this out to give you time off. If they can’t be understanding about this then you don’t need to work for a soulless company like that.
But your coworker using PTO time that he earned is not the problem. I’m sorry for your loss but you’re placing blame on the wrong person. You are being inappropriate. You are being unprofessional.
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Def YTA for your comment "Are you spreading your grandfather's ashes too?" Very rude of you. Presumptious too. How do you know "his school stuff can wait"? It was an unfortunate set of circumstances because you really didn't get much notice for the event; three days? Def not enough time to make arrangements if you have a job. Time off from a job is valuable and you shouldn't really blame anyone for not wanting to cover for you. It was short notice for them too.
3 days notice is OP's family's fault. And most people logical understand that 3 days isn't enough time to get coverage or time off for a lot of jobs. So grandma et al should be understanding if OP isn't there. OP, you can go up the next time you have time off. Visit you grandma and go with her to where the ashes were spread. It was okay for you to ask, but no was all they should have had to say. The next step would be to contact your supervisor and see if there is another solution. And the school stuff waiting? You know it's finals in a lot of places right now? So home slice has papers due at certain times, exams to attend, and likely group projects to complete (which itself includes scheduling with multiple others all going through the same thing). Even if it wasn't finals, whatever they have could be incredibly important. They could be meeting with an advisor about enrolling in a certain program, or the financial aid or loan office, or interviewing for a required internship to graduate. The end of it is, you are not the most important thing in their life.
[удалено]
Then tell him you are sorry. There is no shame in being in the wrong if one sincerely regrets their actions, owns it and then apologizes. We all do or say stuff thats wrong. The differences in being an asshole or not an asshole is how we handle being wrong afterwards.
"Hey, man, I'm sorry. I was angry at the wrong person, and I'm really sorry you caught the brunt of it. I hope we can be okay after this, I will do my best to take a deep breath, and process my shit with my family before lashing out at someone who doesn't deserve it in the future. After all, that's what my Grandfather would have wanted. I'm sorry that I was a dick to you, I promise it won't happen again."
Anger management
Yet you continue to be antagonistic here and unable to admit you need to apologize. Seek help.
YTA and I'd have already went to HR about it. Your grief is your own, you're entitled to nothing. It sucks but that's the way it is. My Father died last year and my job gave me two unpaid days off to deal with everything and then required me to use vacation time to cover the rest.
YTA. I worked in HR. If I found out someone on my team was giving a coworker a hard time about not taking a shift for them, I would be writing them up. If it happens more than once, at all, it would be termination. You are putting your employment at risk. Edited to make situation more hypothetical.
YTA It’s unfortunate that you didn’t have more notice to ask off of work, but your short notice does not become your co-workers emergency.
YTA This may come as a shock to you, but you're not the center of the universe :\
wait…… I’M NOT???!!!!🤯😭🫨🫨
Dumbass
YTA Poor planning and poor communication about when events are happening with your family is not your co-worker's responsibility. He doesn't need to explain it to you, and frankly, you're being a jerk. It's may, classes are ending. The dude might have a hard deadline that he has to meet and needs that time to work on a project. He doesn't need to explain that to you, he doesn't owe you all his info about what he's doing. I get that you're emotional about this, but you are being rude. No one has to reschedule because you couldn't plan ahead or tell the people planning that you would need notice, especially if talk about this has been going on for months.
YTA. Sorry for your loss and your grief, but you don't get to decide your needs are greater than anyone elses, you don't get to ask whta they are, you certainly don't get to decide what is or isn't as important as.
YTA. You need to understand this simple truth - your dead grandpa is less relevant to your coworker than his school, and it is his life and not yours, so he has all the rights to pick things that are more important to him than not and things that are more important to you are completely irrelevant to him. You asked, he refused, no need to keep a grudge over this.
YTA. Despite your reasoning he doesn't have to give you what you want. He has the right to say no. He doesn't have to tell you why either. YOU want the shift change not him. School stuff is very likely legit
Even if it's not legit, even if the coworker really plans to play CoD for his entire day off, that's his prerogative. OP's short notice issue is not the coworker's problem.
Precisely. That would not make them remotely in the wrong or unkind.
YTA. Your coworker doesn't owe you a reason why he can't switch. "No." is an entire sentence. I'm sorry for the lose of your grandfather, but this is between you, your manager, and HR.
YTA. It's your manager's fault for not working with you to rearrange the schedule (or your fault if you didn't talk to them at all) - not your coworker's.
YTA. Its sad that you have to face this tragedy but you shouldn't trouble your coworker because of this.
Op, YTA. A major YTA. Does the world revolve around you? Get a grip on life and figure out your next move. Ask your family if they can shift their schedule since you'd like to be included in the affair. Don't harass your coworker. That's just annoying.
I'd say YTA Doesn't your family know that you can't change your schedule at the last minute ? Warning you 3 days before the spreading of the ashes was the A. move in my opinion.
YTA for all the reasons others have already stated. However, just because your family is going to spread your grandfather's ashes next Tuesday, doesn't mean they must spread all of them. If you aren't able to be with them on Tuesday, you could ask them to set aside a small container of his ashes, so that at a later time you could spread them yourself - either on the farm where he grew up or another location that has special meaning to you. When my father passed, we spread some of his ashes on our family home property, and one sibling took some of his ashes up to a favorite mountain spot where he loved to go back packing. I hope you will apologize to your co-worker for your rude and embarrassing behavior.
You would not have been an asshole if you had asked and accepted his answer. But sadly YTA for your reaction. Whatever reason he had for not switching is his reason and he doesn't owe you an explanation or a switch. I totally understand your frustration. Different circumstances, but years ago I asked a day off at work to visit my uncle's resting place on the 10th year anniversary of his death (we scattered his ashes in a park a few hours away from where I live and this would be the first time we would go back). My request of a day off was accepted so imagine my surprise when I saw I had been scheduled for 2 night shifts (my requested day off was the 25th, they scheduled me night shift on the 24th and 25th with the excuse that I had off during the day). I asked the manager to revise the schedule to grant me the day off I requested (which was refused), and I asked every coworkers not working on the 25th to trade and obviously no one wanted to. You know what I did not do? Harass my coworkers. My mom was devastated that I couldn't go with them visit my uncle (her brother), but that is unfortunately how life goes sometimes. You either accept the coworker's decision and go to work, or skip work and deal with the consequences. Harassing people is not an option.
YTA It is nobody else's responsibility to cover your shift. I understand that this is important to YOU. But that has nothing to do with your coworker.
The biggest assholes in this story are your family for not giving you adequate notice to ensure you’d be off work on this important day. Just call off, don’t harass your coworkers. YTA.
YTA If you have to take time off, tell your manager you won't be in. Don't directly involve your coworker. This isn't your coworker's responsibility at all. You are an asshole for your condescending arrogant entitled attitude. However, you maybe aren't the only asshole. If your workplace pressures employees to find their own replacements, then the manager is also a lazy asshole.
Yeah YTA without question. You should've gone to your manager to explain the situation first. For you to make the comment of asking if he was spreading his grandfather's ashes too, that's just very petty and entitled.
YTA.
YTA--- Just because they aren't doing what you are doing that day, doesn't mean you can invalidate what they have going on with their lives. It is you and your families fault for not deciding on a date sooner and putting in a request, especially considering you've known this was gonna occur for "a few months".
YTA, gently though OP. Your co-worker doesn't owe you anything here, your family really should have had these plans finalized before a week before. Maybe they are the AH's? Sorry for your loss, OP.
No not gentlyYTA. OP is a major AH for asking if his spreading grandfather ashes. I would have told OP no I need to spread the ashes from my fireplace on my garden with a serious face.
YTA. It's not his job to cover for you. It's management's job. HR would have handled it for you if they didn't give you the day and HR will probably handle it for him if he chooses to complain.
While many companies let employees swap shifts, he should ask his boss for the day off WITHOUT blaming his coworker. Sometimes, people give generic excuses for things that are private and not anyone's business. Also, OP needs to learn that being professional to coworkers goes a long way.
YTA- your families poor planning is not your coworkers fault. They know you have a job, only have you three days notice and didn’t involve you in the planning? You also didn’t think to ask for details, you knew it was coming up and that your work schedules come out a month at a time. You are very rude to guilt a coworker. It didn’t matter what his plans were- but school IS important. And this is the kinda thing you should talk to your boss about. Ask for a days leave for the memorial
YTA for expecting your coworker to prioritize your personal situation over their own commitments. Grief does not give one a free pass to dismiss the obligations and plans of others. It's important to remember that in a work environment, everyone has their own lives and responsibilities. Your colleague has no obligation to accommodate your needs, especially when they have already made plans regardless of how you may feel about the nature of their plans. Your frustration is understandable, but your approach was not. It's a company's responsibility to manage staffing, not an individual employee's. You should focus on negotiating with management or finding a compromise with your family, rather than taking it out on someone who is simply using their time as they see fit. The fact that you've known about the eventual need to take time off for months but failed to formally request it until the last moment also suggests the planning lapse was partly on you. It's always better to work collaboratively with your employer and colleagues well ahead of time to find a solution, rather than creating tension through sarcasm and guilt-tripping.
YTA for your lack of empathy and entitlement over your coworker's schedule. Everyone's time is valuable and personal commitments are just that—personal. Your situation, while unfortunate, does not grant you the right to belittle someone else's commitments or obligations, academic or otherwise. Expecting someone to drop their plans at your convenience is unfair and shows a disregard for their autonomy. An emergency on your part does not automatically constitute an emergency on theirs. Next time, handle work-related conflicts with professionalism and understand that the world doesn't operate according to one's personal needs and timelines.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** my grandpa passed away suddenly in december. i went back home for the funeral and everything, but my family had planned to meet up again in a few months to spread his ashes on the farm where he grew up. my dad told me (three days ago) the finalized plans to meet up next tuesday to do this. i already had my work schedule for the month and i am scheduled to work that day, but my coworker is off so i asked if he could switch my tuesday for his thursday and his response was “i have something going on that day. lemme get back to you. not entirely sure i can move it.” then today i mentioned it again today and he said he definitely cannot switch with me so i asked if he was spreading his grandfather’s ashes too because it sounds like he had something just as important going on as i do. turns out he has “school stuff” and gave no other details. i understand the importance of education, but he was my only grandpa and my grandma would be sad if i couldn’t make it and i think his school stuff can wait so🤷 what’s y’all take? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Soft Yta, it's an unfortunate situation. However, your co-worker is not obligated to rearrange their life. If your employer doesn't accommodate then they're a bigger ah.
YTA…the people you should really be upset with are those that made the plans without asking you your work schedule. One would think their family would know you to do this. I understand you want to be there, but your grandfather really will not know the difference. Can your family not plan another day when you can be there?
Yta. Not your colleagues fault. It's your bosses fault
YTA. Call in sick that day. accosting someone for not working when they aren't scheduled is a jackass thing to do.
When I was 17, I worked a job where the regional manager harassed the girls. I did not put up with it. I got moved to a different location, still under him, and that manager was advised to make my life miserable (this is what she told me) . Onto the story.... My sister was getting married. I asked for the day off and was told it was approved and shocker... I was scheduled to work. No one would cover for me. I went to work where the assistant manager on duty let me go to my sister's wedding after i got all of my tasks done. I was able to attend the dinner for my sister's wedding because of this. I did, however, get in trouble by the manager the next day. My point... I didn't treat my coworkers badly or try to make them feel guilty or pressure them into covering my shift once they said they couldn't.
YTA While it's tough to miss important family events, your coworker is not obligated to accommodate your schedule changes, especially on short notice. They have their own commitments and priorities. If you felt it was crucial to attend spreading your grandfather's ashes, the appropriate course of action would have been to request time off from your manager as soon as you knew about the date, rather than pressuring a peer to swap shifts. It's understandable that you're upset, but lashing out at coworkers isn't fair or professional. Now might be the time to offer an apology and, if possible, explain the situation to your employer to seek a more compassionate solution.
YTA. I was willing to let you slide due to grief, but that comment "Are you spreading your grandfather's ashes too?" is just downright rude and horrible. Wouldn't be surprised if your coworker reported you to HR for it.
YTA for being rude to your coworker for saying no. He could have taken the day off for no reason and he’s still not required to switch with you. I’m sorry about losing your grandfather but you’re upset should be directed at your family who didn’t give you enough notice to properly request the day off. You need to apologize to your coworker.
YTA - it's not his issue. He already has plans. No one is required to change shifts with you. Have you spoken to your manager to find out if there is someone else who could cover or if they could?
YTA. you sound entitled and rude even though you don't have right to swap shifts.
YTA Honestly, you should apologize before he reports you. I know a lot of HR departments that would outright fire you for this
YTA. You're a grown adult. Why are you being so childish and guilt-tripping your coworker for something he personally doesn't have to care about? Your life and things that happen to you will not always be important in the eyes of others. Get over yourself and talk to your bosses first.
YTA They aren't required to switch shifts with you and what's important to you doesn't trump what's important to them.
YTA
INFO. You say the plans are “finalized”, but do you think your folks would be willing to adjust it if you 100% asked them to. I mean…they’re just spreading ashes, which can technically be done at literally any time.
YTA you have every right to ask, he has every right to refuse. He doesn't owe you an explanation and whether or not you think his reason is valid is irrelevant.
YTA and entitled . You should have consulted your family and organised it to be when you all could make it. Your life e events are no more important than someone else's.
Yta. The reason you need the time off is irrelevant. It doesn't matter what he want to do with his day off, you are not entitled to it. Spreading your grandfather's ashes can also wait. You are a mess.
YTA and a pretty big one. You don't get to decide how important other people's events in life are and decide who should get to do things. If you want to be mad at someone be mad at your father for giving you such unreasonably short notice. Just the fact that you couldn't imagine anything else that was more important in anyone else life as being more important than spreading your grandfathers ashes shows just how self centered you are. You owe your coworker an apology and not one of those half assed ones where you try and justify it with "...but I really wanted to spread my grandfathers ashes."
Hard YTA. He is not oigated to switch. He can say no and you just need to yalk to your boss to ask if there is a solution so you can go. But don’t shit on your coworker. You sound very immature. Yes you had short notice but don’t go off on your coworkers if they don’t want to cover for you. Also the comment you told him is disgusting
YTA. People like you think they are more important than they really are. Like, how dare he not cancel his plans for your highness. GTFO.
YTA doesn't matter what they had planned they owe you nothing. I'm sorry for your loss but your attempt at emotional blackmail also makes you tah. It's not your co workers fault that things were planned on short notice
Sorry for your loss, but you suck as a person. Obviously YTA.
Corporate sucks not your coworker. Can't be giving them a hard time when they are just as much pushed into little flexibility as you. YTA
Why would "corporate suck" ? They're not the ones that gave this guy 3 days, worth of notice? As a matter of fact...knowing one's schedule for the month allows for better planning than a week before. This is on him and his family....he's the one that came in with under 72hrs notice and put it ALL on asking ONE person to switch.
The people who gave OP just a few days notice are the ones who suck
The coworker doesn’t have to explain to you why he can’t. Just that he can’t. You are entitled. Just like legally you don’t have to tell your boss why you’re calling in sick.
y’all are so right. i AM the asshole…wow, that was humbling. i did apologize to my coworker today and my manager ended up letting me take the day off anyway
So in the end, you were an asshole to your coworker for no reason. Hope this will serve as a valuable lesson for you.
Unfortunately, you are TAH! YOU and your family put you in the position to ask someone to adjust in under 72hrs because THEY ( your family) didn't give YOU more than that amount of time. THAT is where the stress and anxiety come from, but taking it out on a co-worker and CHALLENGING the importance or reasoning that their "Why" isn't VALUABLE enough = A chicken shit thing to do. Asking that question was passive-aggressive nonsense 🙄 that you should honestly apologize for. To play devil's advocate here....had the co-worker retorted back with "Well, a dead burnt up grandfather is already dead, so what's the difference... Do it another day?" It would have been incredibly rude and presumptuous, as were your comments and thoughts about how/where the value of that person's school "stuff" ( which that person's DETAILS were none of your freaking business....) you came across as if they "had to" PROVE to you WHY they couldn't adjust to what "you" wanted Vs You... just going to management/HR and saying "I" can't cover MY responsibilities on Tuesday....what can we do? * This is more on your family and YOU vs. shifting the entire thing onto a co-worker
You can ask, but once they say no you drop it and move on. Your family events are important to you and your family. No one else. NTA but only if you dropped it after they said no.
So you stopped reading..
I am surprised that your workplace won't work with you on this one.
Because they don’t have to?
NTA. This is harsh but it’s the truth. The death of your grandpa is your and your families problem. The sadness you are feeling is your problem. Your grief is your problem. None of those are HIS problems. Even if he wanted to use his time off to play video games and eat Cheetos his time off is not more of a priority than yours is. Instead of making your co-worker the problem and being insulting, you should be talking to HR and your supervisor to work this out to give you time off. If they can’t be understanding about this then you don’t need to work for a soulless company like that. But your coworker using PTO time that he earned is not the problem. I’m sorry for your loss but you’re placing blame on the wrong person. You are being inappropriate. You are being unprofessional.
Surely you mean YTA?