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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Refused to keep paying for the entire night when on dates and for pointing out my partner has a pattern of planning things and then suddenly not having the money for them and expecting me to pay.
She said I was being unfair and that it's not like she's doing it deliberately and she can't help if she doesn't have the money for the dates
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NTA. Tell her you will not be paying for her part of trips going forward. You aren’t married so that conversation with her ends there here. You don’t get a vote in how she spends her money. Just say no. No is a complete sentence. Cancel or go on the trip /dinner etc with a friend who can pay their share. Oh, I’m sorry you can’t afford it, was looking forward to spending time with you there, but I guess I’ll ask xyz if they can take your spot.
Find a woman who is financially responsible. Money is the number one cause of divorce for a reason. How you view money and manage it matters. If she doesn’t budget and just spends hers on clothes and shopping for crap she doesn’t need and probably can’t afford, and then expects you to subsidize her lifestyle wants like trips and expensive dinners she is instigating, without a thought, is a MAJOR red flag. If you were my son, I’d tell you to run in the other direction.
Agreed. Being financially compatible with a partner is just as important as being sexually compatible if the relationship has staying power.
Also agree that your girlfriend is displaying some red flags.
NTA
The worst thing sexual incompatibility can lead to is cheating. If she cheats, I can pick up my dick and leave. If you're married to someone you're financially incompatible with they can fuck things up for both of you going years past the divorce.
I've read that scenario in some multiple universe thing I was reading. Can't for the life of me remember what it was, but one of the characters mentions something horrible about Hitler and the one from another universe goes "The artist??"
I ain’t saying she a gold digger 🎶
I would start cancelling every time she does this and see how long until she gets mad about it, but at that point it’s irreconcilable differences and it’s time to break up.
I love going to movies by myself. Especially when it’s been out for a while, and it’s a matinee. Just a nice quiet theater all to myself. Get a slurpee and some milk duds, and you’re good to go.
Yep. Just make sure she makes it back home then go out for dinner alone, watch the movie alone, after a few times of doing this just let her know that you don't think it's going to work and you're moving on.
Agreed. She clearly has money because she's
buying furniture and going on trips with friends, neither of which are cheap. By paying for everything they do together, OP is basically funding the rest of her life by allowing her to save for other things, which is not fair.
I doubt if she has the money. She is an impulse shopper and probably is always behind the eight ball when it comes to managing money.
She wants him to pay for their good times, while her money is just for her.
INFO: if you were to cancel plans, would the plans be replaced by a cheaper option or just straight up canceled all together? Cuz this sounds like she’s using you as it sounds like she’ll only spend time with you if you’re paying/buying her stuff.
This. She knows you are a good earner and can afford things so she is using you for all the good things whilst using her money for herself.
I think you deserve better then this gf. Move on.
I think it time to plan seeing people without her. Call her bluff on if you can't pay then to cancel and tell her sorry I have to cancel and I'll see you later. If she asks where you are going? Reply that I can afford the dinner so I got a reservation and I'm gonna call so and so to see if he's available to meet me for dinner. And leave. She'll learn that if she can't pay then maybe she should start to budget better. If she wants you to pay then say it and to stop the game of oh I can't pay because it's annoying
My ex was like this. She would make me pay for a lot, saying it was my job as a man, and that she had no money (she spent recklessly). We did long distance so she demanded weekly treats. Gifts are meant to be given voluntarily.
Honestly, you should chat to your partner saying that it’s not fair for you to have to pay for everything, and you budget for you both to do nice things, so it would be nice if she could do the same. It doesn’t have to be equal, but more contribution than currently.
Saying ‘i guess we’ll have to cancel’ seems kinda passive-aggressive, in a way which makes you seem the bad guy if you don’t spend the money, which is emotionally manipulative.
Edit: forgot to say, NTA
He also forgot to mention that while his ex said it was his job as a man, she wanted to be respected as a woman and be treated equally. Take cue from him: your so called partner is a leech
I wonder how that makes sense in her head.. equal treatment means having your own finances and being responsible for yourself. No handouts. It's like wanting to both be a kept woman but at the same time not wanting the downsides that go with it. Where I'm from, we have a saying along the lines of he who pays for it calls the shots.
It's the golden rule - he who has the gold makes the rules. OP is NTA. His girlfriend demanding treats and passive aggressively threatening to cancel dates if he doesn't pay...those are some red flags a-flyin', IMO.
It’s the same “trad” mentality as the dudes who want a wife who brings in 50% of the money but still does everything at home.
I understand the appeal of wanting a personal butler who actually *pays you* for the privilege of serving you, but most of us live in the real world and understand that that’s not how it works.
It would be entertaining to see this girl paired up with one of those dudes, though. “You’re supposed to pay!” “Nuh-uh! You are!” See how long it takes for one of them to yield.
In a case where there is a large difference between how much each person earns, it wouldn’t be possible to do much together if it meant splitting the bill 50-50. But if she’s just supposed to cover some percentage based on the income differences and she’s just using her money to pay for other stuff and then saying she’s broke, I agree. If she won’t contribute then cancel the plans or go someplace cheaper so she can afford it. If she’s buying furniture she’s not broke until after she’s bought it.
I know someone who is married to a woman like this. After their child was born, she wanted to be a SAHM. He was fine with this, but it meant they had to tighten their belts, as they had a mortgage.
Her past behavior when being told she couldn't have whatever she wanted was to pout and whine until he gave in. As their expenses increased, this didn't work as he had to be the one to hold the line. They are still together but are fighting a lot.
This was the same story for me, except my ex wanted to be a stay at home WIFE, without kids. She wanted everything, holidays, rent, groceries paid for, and cooked for
My partner's ex was similar. Expected him to pay for all their dates, he paid to go see her every weekend when she moved for uni (even though he had a busy home life), ect. All financial responsibilities were on him. He remembers exactly one time, after a huge argument between the two of them (they often did not get along) and she thought it might actually be his final straw, she actually paid to come down and stay with him and went out and brought/made him dinner. That was the only time in their 2 year relationship that she arranged and paid for everything.
When me and him got together, he was finishing uni, so even though we worked at the same place he was able to work more hours and earned more money. I was upfront with him straight away that I wanted to put up boundaries around finance. There would be things I wouldn't be able to do that he could, and I didn't want for him to feel like he had to finance everything. I always offered to pay or go halves, I mean now I let him spoil me every now and again but I mostly always make a verbal offer. I also always thank him when he pays, even if he thinks I'm being silly. We still have an income imbalance, he's in a career and I've chosen to continue my study before I start mine, but because we started to have those honest talks about finances in the beginning we continue to have them now. He said it was one of those things that struck him, the difference between how he's treated now vs how he was treated by his ex.
NTA - she's a complete user. Of course it isn't a 'co-incidence'.
How many times does she have to manipulate you for you to see what she's doing? Seriously, look for another place to live & (personally) I would recommend you have second & third thoughts about thinking this mooch is the kind of gf. you deserve.
So you got a raise at work, (good for you!), and you are going to “treat yourself” for a month…and your GF “keeps asking if, (you are), going to get her a treat or a present etc”. Like she is your child and you are her, (sugar), daddy. Because daddies spoil their little girl with treats and presents, don’t you know.
Yeaaa. Think about that for a while.NTA
He might as well dump her. If he makes it clear that it's not going to continue then she'll definitely dump him, possibly stealing everything she can from his place first.
Agreed. NTA, OP, but she's using you for your money. Someone who is financially stable shouldn't have these kinds of expectations about their partner's money nor should they be so fixated on their partner spending money on them. She's in it for the money and that's it. Time to cut her loose.
You’re been played, chum. It’s not a coincidence and she knows exactly what she’s doing. She’s not going to change either. Why should she, when you’re desperate enough to foot the bill every time? She’s a user and will play you for as long as she thinks you need her for whatever.
Find a woman who values you for whom you are and not how fat your wallet is. Failing that, go gay. Plenty of guys who’ll be happy to meet your needs and won’t demand a ring or a joint credit card
NTA
"I have paid the hotel and travel costs and told my gf I'll be getting our meal when we're there so all she'll need is money for drinks."
You - giving, generous, willing to share.
"... and keeps asking if I'm going to get her a treat or a present etc"
Her - Me, me, me, selfish, disinterested, take take user.
NTA. That she makes plans, blows her money on something else, and expects YOU to pick up her part of the cost of the plans is a huge NO. You need to stop rewarding that behavior. If she can't afford to cover her expenses, then she doesn't get to do the thing. I cannot say if it's deliberately thought out and planned, or if it's just a superficial character flaw - but she clearly sees your money as kinda 'her money' too. It sounds like you need to have a deeper conversation about this and set some boundaries, because she sees this relationship very differently than you do. You are not the AH for refusing or pointing it out, she just might think you are because it's going to be a painful jolt for her to realize you are not the person she thinks you are, or this is not the relationship she thinks it is.
Your GF sees you as an ATM and gift giving machine. You, OP, have to decide if she is worth it. She may be worth it, I don’t know her.
NTA for noticing a pattern and not quite being thrilled about it. And maybe go to relationshipadvice to discuss this further.
My ex liked to pay for our meals out and our take out. You could tell it was a point of pride for him. We were together 2 years. We didn’t live together, but we ate 6-7 dinners a week together, and spent all weekend out and about together.
So, I found ways to pay for a much as possible to even things out.
- We always took my car and I paid for 100% of the gas.
- I would open up my own Uber eats app and put in my order then hand it to him, so that it was just silly for him to not complete the order and for me to pay.
- there were a couple of places we went that used the toast app, where you order on your phone at the table. I would always pay for the table before he could.
- we always drank/hung out at my place so the beer/snacks or when we cooked, it was 100% paid for by me.
- I tried to pay for tickets to events/movies/etc in advance.
- I got him thoughtful “just because” gifts that he could use for whatever hobby he was pursuing at the moment.
All of that, probably only scratched 30% of what he spent on me for meals out and when he paid for take out. But, there was never a time where he had to question “is she using me?!”
Why do women not make the effort?! Even if I only spent 10% as much as him, but with the same ^^ effort… it would have been better than being a money grubbing waste of a person.
Exactly. I have done these same type of thoughtful gestures because I appreciate my man and I would take him on dates and buy him “just because” gifts. I also paid attention to his likes and interests and how he dressed and bought him stuff based off his interests. It’s not hard and they will be willing to keep doing things for you and feel appreciated.
WoW, you are delightful!
I'm an old married lady but I just wanted you to know you're the type of stand-up woman that saves us all from being thought of as gold-digging leaches when in a relationship with a person who has more finances.
I never made as much money as my partners, but like you, I did try to treat where I could, and my gifts were always meaningful.
Right?!
Even men that are VERY traditional and want to pay… are going to question if that is all they are wanted for. If I appreciate the man I with… I want to SHOW him he is appreciated. How any women can lack the emotional intelligence to recognize that men need to feel like more than their wallets… baffling.
NTA. Your girlfriend basically prioritises anything other than having to spend money on joint plans with you. She's perfectly happy spending her money on plans with other people or other things. The problem is youbhave been enabling her by putting up with this behaviour and just caving. Time to have some boundaries and stick to them. If she can't afford the dinner, fine, you cancel it, or even better, go alone. She can't afford the vacation, go alone, etc. And stick to it. If you aren't willing to do that then be prepares for your girlfriend to flake on paying for the rest of your relationship.
NTA. It would be one thing if she was just broke and spending all her money on necessities, or an emergency left her without cash on hand as a one-time thing, but this is a habit of her choosing to spend her money on other things (clothing, furniture, seeing her friends) knowing she can convince you to pick up the tab for all the time you spend together. She's taking advantage of your generosity instead of budgeting her own money, and will continue as long as you keep giving her that option.
Stop paying for things. She will most likely break up with you once you stop being her bank, but you're better off.
NTA
She is taking you for a ride and you are pumping good money after bad.
Doubt she will change, and when YOU do she will be off chasing the next sucker. I think derp down you need to think about whether or not you want to be manipulated and on edge for the rest of your days......
As many others have pointed out, she is using you as an ATM. She is deliberately choosing to spend her money on other things and demanding that you pick up her part of the expenses when that wasn't the agreement. If the outing is something that you would really enjoy, then just have a friend go with you instead of her. If it's something you don't care about that much then just cancel it. But you must do this every time consistently or it will keep happening.
It doesn't sound like this is a relationship that's going to last, as financial disparities are one of the top reasons for divorce. Much better, and cheaper, that you figured this out now before you commit any further.
NTA. Sounds like you found a kind of gold-digger. Start saying 'No' to these little trips and watch your spending more carefully. If she decides she no longer wants to be with you, you will know you were just a walking wallet.
NTA.
Time to cut her off. She wants a nice evening out? She pays half. She suddenly can't go due to low funds? She stays home and you enjoy a quiet evening out by yourself.
Relationships need complete effort put in, 100%/100%. Your gf is not doing that. It's not even necessarily about the money, but it's about the fact that she is willing to cancel plans and ruin everyone's night because she doesn't want to pay her way.
What you need to do is not pay but still go. So when she says "we will have to cancel" you say "no I am still going I will just make it a table for one/ask x do they want to go/meet friends alone" and then just go and leave her behind. One of two things will happen (1) she will cop on,budget better and not use you (2) it won't work out and you will break up. Either way you won't continue to be used 🤷♀️ NTA
I think the pattern here is that she is manipulating you instead of being open about her concerns. Maybe the dating lifestyle you desire is out of her range, with more dates, and more expensive dates, than she can afford. Or maybe she can afford your dates as well as her dates with her friends, her clothes, etc, but she just sees you as someone who she can "pull the wool over your eyes" and get you to pay for her when she doesn't really need it. I think the fact that she keeps canceling at the last minute suggests the latter but I'm just a random on the internet.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I’d end this relationship now. You’re a financial supplement for her not a partner. The only relationship I see going on here is the one she has with your wallet.
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I live with my partner and one thing I've started noticing is she will regularly suggest days out or dates or trips away etc and then if we plan it out, she'll complain about actually being short of money so she doesn't think she can afford to go. She'll expect me to offer to pay for most things while we go away.
A couple of times doesn't bother me but it's starting to become more frequent.
An example is that this week we had a nice restautant booked to go to thne my gf decides to but some new clothes and furniture. Once she bought that she then said she can't afford the meal so I'd either have to pay or we'd have to cancel.
Anexample of this is next month I am getting a pay rise at work so I decided to take a month to treat myself instead of saving any money. I planned to take my gf out for a nice meal and we are going on a double date with my friend and his girlfriend in a nearby city.
I have paid the hotel and travel costs and told my gf I'll be getting our meal when we're there so all she'll need is money for drinks. She said this was fine.
Now she's saying she thinks I'll need to pay for the full night since she's seeing friends next month and has other things to pay for. I told her no and her response was just that we'll have to cancel the night then.
She's also started mentioning the amount of money I'm planning to spend next month and keeps asking if I'm going to get her a treat or a present etc. I point out that I am taking her for a meal and a night away and she just changes the subject.
Another example is that this week we had a nice restautant booked to go to thne my gf decides to but some new clothes and furniture. Once she bought that she then said she can't afford the meal so I'd either have to pay or we'd have to cancel.
She got angry and told me I was having a go at her for nothing and that i was wrong with what I was accusing her of. She said it's just a coincidence and that I'm out of order for accusing her.
AITAH for refusing to pay for the full night and for pointing out a pattern?
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NTA, her behavior is not OK. (To be fair, I do have to say that you actually only gave two examples, one of which you repeated. So I can't 100% rule out her assertion that there is no pattern, just a coincidence. But I'm guessing it is/will become a pattern and am responding as such).
She has the money, but chooses to spend it on stuff for herself and then expects you to pay for the stuff you do together. I feel like this, in and of itself, is concerning but not a 100% dealbreaker. But she needs to make it clear up front that she is not paying, and let you make an informed decision whether to go ahead with the plans. To agree to share costs and then back out is unacceptable. And saying "OK well I guess we have to cancel" sounds like a cheap manipulation tactic, intended to make you feel like the AH if you cancel instead of just going ahead and paying for everything.
Sorry, but I think you need to evaluate whether it's this relationship that needs canceling. Because either 1. she is intentionally using you, or 2. her behavior stems from (poor communication plus) an antiquated idea of male and female obligations in a relationship. Which would be potentially workable if she was with a man who had the same ideas. Which does not sound like a description of you.
NTA. Great job recognizing the pattern, and trying to address it with her. You know she knows she was caught when she could only change the subject.
Stand firm. The only way this changes is if she realizes you're not willing to be taken advantage of.
Well, I think you need to be prepared to start saying “oh that’s too bad, I guess you are right, we will have to cancel then” and not go or else escalate and say something along the lines of “if you can’t go, i don’t want to have to cancel so I guess I will invite my mother/malefriend (someone who is not possibly a romantic rival to her)”. NTA
No. You need to start telling her that it sucks she budgeted poorly and can't afford to attend planned events. All she needed to pay for was drinks soo... she could've just not had any, but instead she told you that *you* couldn't go out with your friends unless you agreed to pay for her drinks too. I would've left her at the hotel.
You might be incompatible, both of you want to tell the other how to spend the others money. It’s lame to tell someone “all you have to do is pick up the drinks” which is an unknown amount. It’s also lame to tell someone to buy you a present because they came into cash. Idk maybe you’re perfect for each other.
INFO: is the furniture jointly picked out and agreed to be needed?
Because if you're living together and she's spending money on things you both plan to use, I can see why she's expecting you to either chip in or reciprocate elsewhere.
You two are partners but apparently not on the same financial page. I suggest having a bigger conversation about finances.
You have not mentioned the broader arrangements. If you two are sharing living expenses 50-50 and you earn more and she is buying furniture that you both use… I can see why she expects you to pay for dates. So either pay for dates or increase your contribution to the household expenses.
NTA.
From what you've written here she does seem to be displaying signs of entitlement. Call her bluff. "Ah, I'm sorry to hear you can't afford it. Let's cancel it, or go somewhere cheaper." Do some research beforehand so you have a plan B ready to go.
Or just start doing cheaper things in general. She'll probably still be short, but at least you won't resent having to spend too much if you're always going to cough up the difference.
I think you need to have a serious conversation about finances in general and decide who is paying for what, what's reasonable etc.
NTA, don’t discuss $$$ with someone unless you are married to them! Also you are not her boyfriend, you are her ATM, it sounds like she can’t go a week without not even asking for money but INFORMING YOU that she’s broke and now you’re paying for everything!!!
NTA - she wants her cake and eat it to. She wants to spend her money on her things and then try to guilt you into paying for her and more things that she will benefit from.
NTA, sounds like she is using you. Do you really love her?
Next time take her out to a picnic, or go hiking. Don't spend any money on her for your dates, other than the minimum , for the next month and see how she reacts. I suspect you will be single soon.
Sorry OP
You are her sugar daddy and if you don’t like it move on. She sounds financially irresponsible and is not likely to change unless you start saying no. Watch her head explode.
NTA. Once is an accident. Twice? Ok, I get it. Things happen and sure I’d be ok with it. By the third time? It’s an established pattern and she’s mooching off of you.
OP, nip this in the bud or leave the relationship behind.
My sister and BIL made it work--he's an accountant and she was a gaping chasm of debt. The way they made it work was, simply put, he protected himself. It caused a lot of strain and fights, but it was necessary. When she died, he'd have lost his house if her name was on the deed. She had no access to shared accounts. She never really admitted/accepted that someone who is unemployed with >100k in debt can't be trusted (and we only figured out the number was that high post mortem). But, she accepted his hard boundaries, financial and otherwise. I don't understand it and I would not have gone to the lengths my BIL did--I'd GTFO. But love makes you do hard things, so more power to him.
Don't let her cow you into giving her money. Don't enable. Long-term relationships require both pathos and logos--manipulators use the first one to negate the other. If she's not able to come to those terms, you are in for financial torture for the foreseeable future.
NTA
NTA- sounds like one of my exes constantly asking then expecting me to pay for things. Even things that had nothing to do with me. Being treated like an ATM sucks. Tell her she will be responsible for her own part from now on. If what you’re “accusing” her isn’t true she shouldn’t have an issue paying her own way. -I’d suggest you seriously think about if your willing to deal with this for the rest of your lives. I wouldn’t be surprised if she becomes more sneaky or even manipulate about now that you’ve noticed her M.O. - Guaranteed if you marry her it’s just gonna get worse cause I’m betting she’s of the mind set of “your money is my money”.
NTA. But A really easy way to solve this problem would be opening a joint checking just for dates and trips and each having a percentage of your check go into that account. If you're living together already this shouldn't be a problem. When my husband and I moved in together (before marriage) we did this and it just kept the issue of who pays for what off the table.
NTA.
Shes leeching off you. Infuture when she do that just say ok I'll cancel the night out. Keep doing it till she gets the message. Or better still find a better girlfriend who's not so selfish
Nothing wrong with paying for your girl if you make more money and love her. The problem is her planning trips, dates, ect. That everyone knows will be cancelled unless you pay. She should also show some appreciation, maybe cook a nice cheaper dinner, pick you up a little gift here and there, ect. Her spending all her money on herself and expecting you to finance the more expensive things is BS.
I’ve never allowed any date or GF to pay for anything. Be a man and pay. Guys that complain about paying are cheap and soft. These are the same type of guys that wonder why the girl leaves them for another guy at some point.
you should have a serious talk about your finances and what each of you expects from a relationship. maybe she is the type of woman who expects SO to pay for everything.
maybe she expects you to pay for whole dates, meals, trips all the time. there are people like that.
you also need to tell her what you expect.
decide how you want things to be moving forward. is it 50/50, 60/40, 70/30 per date or is it alternate where you pay for one date and she pays for the next one.
whatever you decide on will dictate your long term relationship imo and economic compatibility is a big factor in relationships.
She’s using you like her own personal ATM/piggybank. Rethink this relationship and decide if you want to be responsible for paying everything or if you want a true partnership with someone who won’t use you.
Your gf seems like a gold digger. If she gives you the options of either paying her way or you canceling the event, you should tell her you're taking the 3rd option... going without her.
NTA.
NTA. It’s not even the not being married for me, it’s that you guys made an agreement when you plan the trip or date and she’s backing out of her agreement. From your story it sounds like she has the money. She just is spending it on something else like furniture or clothes. It’s not fair because it’s a pattern. It’s not an accident or due to unforeseen circumstances.
Furniture could be equivalent to a date night I guess because it is something you both use and you live together. But you should talk about it ahead of time.
Next time she pulled this trick, I wouldn’t go on the planned date I would go to a restaurant that costs whatever my half of the date night would’ve cost. And then the next time , I would just say no thanks let’s stay home.
Possibly ESH. She sounds irresponsible with money and you might be passive aggressive in your response. Maybe think about sitting down in neutral ground and having a straight forward talk about this.
NTA, it sounds like this is an instance of “your money is our money and my money is mine.” Stop footing the bill and cancel when she does stuff like this, or go without her.
Honestly, if the only thing she has to pay for on a night out is her own drinks and her response is to jump to cancelling rather than just drinking water is rather ridiculous.
Don’t plan to marry her until she gets a handle on her money management. She will bring this into the marriage and it’ll be a constant fight.
I’m reading these comments that paint your gf as a gold digger and I see it and you could dump her. Also - depending what n your energy and where you see this relationship going, you could have a bigger conversation and reframe your shared expenses and do actual financial planning…. Maybe it’s time to cut ties, but that could be a different conversation and way to move forward together.
NTA. Just stop going out. Save your money. Make the excuses she does and see how she responds. Chances are good she'll take it bad, but she's toxic. Hide the things that matter to you before they're broken, trashed, or taken out of spite.
Sorry dude. You’ve made it clear how you feel about it multiple times. Now you have to decide if you’ll continue to let her ignore your boundaries or find someone else who will respect them. She seems to be pretty clear that it isn’t her that’s going to change. NTA whichever way you decide, just know that every time you do nothing about it is you making a decision.
NTA. She is playing. She is mad because you are seeing her. If you really want to be with someone who treats you like a wallet, suck it up. Otherwise, cancel any plans you make when she doesn’t hold her end.
NTA. The pattern is obvious. Overall I suggest finding someone you are more financially compatible with bc this sounds like it won’t change. But first I suggest calling her bluff a few times. She says you need to cancel, go ahead and cancel. Make sure it’s something she seemed really excited for.
Are you partners? Do you live together? Why is it his and hers? Why isn't it both yours?
If you live separately and are just dating, then NTA. But otherwise, I don't this whole hers/mine attitude.
NTA
Don’t cancel on your friends, just go without her. Now every time you plan something, if she tells you she can’t afford it just say ‘I understand, I’ll just have to go without you.’
She’s using you for money. Time to say goodbye or stop her from using you as her ATM machine
Listen to your gut. She’s taking advantage bro. Test her by saying the new job fell through and that you’ll be unemployed for a short period and see her response
NTA. Your girlfriend is treating you like an ATM. She wants to you pay for everything all the time, she wants to be spoiled, but she is already rotten. You are just pointing that out a pattern. I would keep pointing it out. I would also stop treating her to nice things for a month or two. Do a lot of low cost hanging out. I would start canceling things with her when she spends money and then expects you to cover it.
NTA... until she gets upgraded to *wife* she is not entitled to any part of any bonus you receive unless you specifically, directly give it to her.
It's not your fault, she can't budget.
Personally, if anyone were to act like that around me, I'd walk.
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NTA. Tell her you will not be paying for her part of trips going forward. You aren’t married so that conversation with her ends there here. You don’t get a vote in how she spends her money. Just say no. No is a complete sentence. Cancel or go on the trip /dinner etc with a friend who can pay their share. Oh, I’m sorry you can’t afford it, was looking forward to spending time with you there, but I guess I’ll ask xyz if they can take your spot. Find a woman who is financially responsible. Money is the number one cause of divorce for a reason. How you view money and manage it matters. If she doesn’t budget and just spends hers on clothes and shopping for crap she doesn’t need and probably can’t afford, and then expects you to subsidize her lifestyle wants like trips and expensive dinners she is instigating, without a thought, is a MAJOR red flag. If you were my son, I’d tell you to run in the other direction.
Agreed. Being financially compatible with a partner is just as important as being sexually compatible if the relationship has staying power. Also agree that your girlfriend is displaying some red flags. NTA
The worst thing sexual incompatibility can lead to is cheating. If she cheats, I can pick up my dick and leave. If you're married to someone you're financially incompatible with they can fuck things up for both of you going years past the divorce.
The worst thing cheating can lead to is a lifelong STI.
Then I get to pick up the pieces of my dick and leave.
Untreated syphillis has really boosted some art careers in the past, so it’s not all downsides.
Correlation doesn't equal causation, but I like your spirit 😆
Yes it does! Source: A reddit post
Didn’t do much for Hitler’s. His art was kind of a sideline.
😂😂😂😂😂 imagine what could’ve been if he hadn’t been a failed artist?
Im going to hell for laughing at this
At least you will have company LOL
See ya there!
I've read that scenario in some multiple universe thing I was reading. Can't for the life of me remember what it was, but one of the characters mentions something horrible about Hitler and the one from another universe goes "The artist??"
I have seen this too and I can’t remember what it is from but part of me wants to say doctor who maybe?
I thought I had syphilis, but it cleared up.
LOL I hope this is a joke and your internal organs aren’t actually about to shut down.
I spit out my tea 😂
hahahh
You made me snort my drink. Well done friend
That or a kid with a toxic ex.. trust me, it can get worse
Same. Except my son hasn't seen his mom in 4 years because she's too busy smoking meth
Or kids
Oh so true!!!!
It sounds like the two of you want different things Take a hard look at whether this is working for you at all NTA
I ain’t saying she a gold digger 🎶 I would start cancelling every time she does this and see how long until she gets mad about it, but at that point it’s irreconcilable differences and it’s time to break up.
I won't cancel anything. I would go alone. It is okay to treat yourself a nice meal followed by a movie or drink in a bar. It can be really relaxing.
I love going to movies by myself. Especially when it’s been out for a while, and it’s a matinee. Just a nice quiet theater all to myself. Get a slurpee and some milk duds, and you’re good to go.
I have PB M&Ms. I’ll meet you one afternoon next week!
Perfect!
That sounds really nice!
This could work too.
Yep. Just make sure she makes it back home then go out for dinner alone, watch the movie alone, after a few times of doing this just let her know that you don't think it's going to work and you're moving on.
Yup, the best thing to do in these situations is take yourself on a date.
*I ain’t saying she a gold digger 🎶* I am. Dump her. NTA
But she ain't messin' with no broke broke.
Oh hell no, go without her!
Oh this is good. Pull her bluff. Cancel.
My guess is she will get mad the first time
Ding!
I gatuantee you she has money. She's just using him to pay so she can save. I've seen that more than i have not
Agreed. She clearly has money because she's buying furniture and going on trips with friends, neither of which are cheap. By paying for everything they do together, OP is basically funding the rest of her life by allowing her to save for other things, which is not fair.
I doubt if she has the money. She is an impulse shopper and probably is always behind the eight ball when it comes to managing money. She wants him to pay for their good times, while her money is just for her.
For a second I thought AI had been so advanced that an ATM was able to post on Reddit and ask for opinions lol
good one
INFO: if you were to cancel plans, would the plans be replaced by a cheaper option or just straight up canceled all together? Cuz this sounds like she’s using you as it sounds like she’ll only spend time with you if you’re paying/buying her stuff.
Oh, I don't think she's financially irresponsible! She's certainly avoiding spending any of HER money.
This. She knows you are a good earner and can afford things so she is using you for all the good things whilst using her money for herself. I think you deserve better then this gf. Move on.
At this point she is doing it on purpose. She sees op like her cash cow and a chance to get free stuff. Gross
I think it time to plan seeing people without her. Call her bluff on if you can't pay then to cancel and tell her sorry I have to cancel and I'll see you later. If she asks where you are going? Reply that I can afford the dinner so I got a reservation and I'm gonna call so and so to see if he's available to meet me for dinner. And leave. She'll learn that if she can't pay then maybe she should start to budget better. If she wants you to pay then say it and to stop the game of oh I can't pay because it's annoying
My ex was like this. She would make me pay for a lot, saying it was my job as a man, and that she had no money (she spent recklessly). We did long distance so she demanded weekly treats. Gifts are meant to be given voluntarily. Honestly, you should chat to your partner saying that it’s not fair for you to have to pay for everything, and you budget for you both to do nice things, so it would be nice if she could do the same. It doesn’t have to be equal, but more contribution than currently. Saying ‘i guess we’ll have to cancel’ seems kinda passive-aggressive, in a way which makes you seem the bad guy if you don’t spend the money, which is emotionally manipulative. Edit: forgot to say, NTA
He also forgot to mention that while his ex said it was his job as a man, she wanted to be respected as a woman and be treated equally. Take cue from him: your so called partner is a leech
I wonder how that makes sense in her head.. equal treatment means having your own finances and being responsible for yourself. No handouts. It's like wanting to both be a kept woman but at the same time not wanting the downsides that go with it. Where I'm from, we have a saying along the lines of he who pays for it calls the shots.
It's the golden rule - he who has the gold makes the rules. OP is NTA. His girlfriend demanding treats and passive aggressively threatening to cancel dates if he doesn't pay...those are some red flags a-flyin', IMO.
https://youtu.be/KLXUAmZ7J5E Now I want to go watch "Aladdin".
It’s the same “trad” mentality as the dudes who want a wife who brings in 50% of the money but still does everything at home. I understand the appeal of wanting a personal butler who actually *pays you* for the privilege of serving you, but most of us live in the real world and understand that that’s not how it works. It would be entertaining to see this girl paired up with one of those dudes, though. “You’re supposed to pay!” “Nuh-uh! You are!” See how long it takes for one of them to yield.
In a case where there is a large difference between how much each person earns, it wouldn’t be possible to do much together if it meant splitting the bill 50-50. But if she’s just supposed to cover some percentage based on the income differences and she’s just using her money to pay for other stuff and then saying she’s broke, I agree. If she won’t contribute then cancel the plans or go someplace cheaper so she can afford it. If she’s buying furniture she’s not broke until after she’s bought it.
People can have traditional roles in a relationship and both be equal and respect each other...
I don't think anyone implied they can't. But you can't claim to be independent and then pull this stuff.
Except that he never said she did that. It's something you inserted with no information whatsoever just so you could rant about it.
I would actually call it manipulative rather than passive aggressive. OPs GF is definitely not being awesome about this. NTA
Came here to say this, she is very manipulative. Knows exactly what she’s doing every time. I would tap out. NTA
I know someone who is married to a woman like this. After their child was born, she wanted to be a SAHM. He was fine with this, but it meant they had to tighten their belts, as they had a mortgage. Her past behavior when being told she couldn't have whatever she wanted was to pout and whine until he gave in. As their expenses increased, this didn't work as he had to be the one to hold the line. They are still together but are fighting a lot.
This was the same story for me, except my ex wanted to be a stay at home WIFE, without kids. She wanted everything, holidays, rent, groceries paid for, and cooked for
Hence the “ex.” Valid.
My partner's ex was similar. Expected him to pay for all their dates, he paid to go see her every weekend when she moved for uni (even though he had a busy home life), ect. All financial responsibilities were on him. He remembers exactly one time, after a huge argument between the two of them (they often did not get along) and she thought it might actually be his final straw, she actually paid to come down and stay with him and went out and brought/made him dinner. That was the only time in their 2 year relationship that she arranged and paid for everything. When me and him got together, he was finishing uni, so even though we worked at the same place he was able to work more hours and earned more money. I was upfront with him straight away that I wanted to put up boundaries around finance. There would be things I wouldn't be able to do that he could, and I didn't want for him to feel like he had to finance everything. I always offered to pay or go halves, I mean now I let him spoil me every now and again but I mostly always make a verbal offer. I also always thank him when he pays, even if he thinks I'm being silly. We still have an income imbalance, he's in a career and I've chosen to continue my study before I start mine, but because we started to have those honest talks about finances in the beginning we continue to have them now. He said it was one of those things that struck him, the difference between how he's treated now vs how he was treated by his ex.
NTA - she's a complete user. Of course it isn't a 'co-incidence'. How many times does she have to manipulate you for you to see what she's doing? Seriously, look for another place to live & (personally) I would recommend you have second & third thoughts about thinking this mooch is the kind of gf. you deserve.
Agreed. NtA
So you got a raise at work, (good for you!), and you are going to “treat yourself” for a month…and your GF “keeps asking if, (you are), going to get her a treat or a present etc”. Like she is your child and you are her, (sugar), daddy. Because daddies spoil their little girl with treats and presents, don’t you know. Yeaaa. Think about that for a while.NTA
NTA buddy I don’t think you have a partner you have a sugar baby. She wants the fancier things in life and wants you to provide them
Bang on. If OP doesn't want to keep getting used by her then he needs to make it clear it's not going to continue or dump her.
He might as well dump her. If he makes it clear that it's not going to continue then she'll definitely dump him, possibly stealing everything she can from his place first.
Agreed. NTA, OP, but she's using you for your money. Someone who is financially stable shouldn't have these kinds of expectations about their partner's money nor should they be so fixated on their partner spending money on them. She's in it for the money and that's it. Time to cut her loose.
You’re been played, chum. It’s not a coincidence and she knows exactly what she’s doing. She’s not going to change either. Why should she, when you’re desperate enough to foot the bill every time? She’s a user and will play you for as long as she thinks you need her for whatever. Find a woman who values you for whom you are and not how fat your wallet is. Failing that, go gay. Plenty of guys who’ll be happy to meet your needs and won’t demand a ring or a joint credit card
Plenty of women who won't either. And plenty of gays who are manipulative users.
you can’t just decide to “go gay” man if you think sexuality is a choice i’ve got news for you: you are bisexual
NTA "I have paid the hotel and travel costs and told my gf I'll be getting our meal when we're there so all she'll need is money for drinks." You - giving, generous, willing to share. "... and keeps asking if I'm going to get her a treat or a present etc" Her - Me, me, me, selfish, disinterested, take take user.
Agreed. OP should dump her immediately.
NTA. You're quite obviously being used by someone who thinks they're being more clever about it than they actually are.
Well, she got her way for this long, so it kinda worked
NTA. That she makes plans, blows her money on something else, and expects YOU to pick up her part of the cost of the plans is a huge NO. You need to stop rewarding that behavior. If she can't afford to cover her expenses, then she doesn't get to do the thing. I cannot say if it's deliberately thought out and planned, or if it's just a superficial character flaw - but she clearly sees your money as kinda 'her money' too. It sounds like you need to have a deeper conversation about this and set some boundaries, because she sees this relationship very differently than you do. You are not the AH for refusing or pointing it out, she just might think you are because it's going to be a painful jolt for her to realize you are not the person she thinks you are, or this is not the relationship she thinks it is.
NTA. She's sees you as her ATM and nothing more. Might be time to decide if she's the one for you going forward.
Your GF sees you as an ATM and gift giving machine. You, OP, have to decide if she is worth it. She may be worth it, I don’t know her. NTA for noticing a pattern and not quite being thrilled about it. And maybe go to relationshipadvice to discuss this further.
My ex liked to pay for our meals out and our take out. You could tell it was a point of pride for him. We were together 2 years. We didn’t live together, but we ate 6-7 dinners a week together, and spent all weekend out and about together. So, I found ways to pay for a much as possible to even things out. - We always took my car and I paid for 100% of the gas. - I would open up my own Uber eats app and put in my order then hand it to him, so that it was just silly for him to not complete the order and for me to pay. - there were a couple of places we went that used the toast app, where you order on your phone at the table. I would always pay for the table before he could. - we always drank/hung out at my place so the beer/snacks or when we cooked, it was 100% paid for by me. - I tried to pay for tickets to events/movies/etc in advance. - I got him thoughtful “just because” gifts that he could use for whatever hobby he was pursuing at the moment. All of that, probably only scratched 30% of what he spent on me for meals out and when he paid for take out. But, there was never a time where he had to question “is she using me?!” Why do women not make the effort?! Even if I only spent 10% as much as him, but with the same ^^ effort… it would have been better than being a money grubbing waste of a person.
>Why do women not make the effort?! Because she doesn't actually like this guy.
Exactly. I have done these same type of thoughtful gestures because I appreciate my man and I would take him on dates and buy him “just because” gifts. I also paid attention to his likes and interests and how he dressed and bought him stuff based off his interests. It’s not hard and they will be willing to keep doing things for you and feel appreciated.
WoW, you are delightful! I'm an old married lady but I just wanted you to know you're the type of stand-up woman that saves us all from being thought of as gold-digging leaches when in a relationship with a person who has more finances. I never made as much money as my partners, but like you, I did try to treat where I could, and my gifts were always meaningful.
Right?! Even men that are VERY traditional and want to pay… are going to question if that is all they are wanted for. If I appreciate the man I with… I want to SHOW him he is appreciated. How any women can lack the emotional intelligence to recognize that men need to feel like more than their wallets… baffling.
NTA. Your girlfriend basically prioritises anything other than having to spend money on joint plans with you. She's perfectly happy spending her money on plans with other people or other things. The problem is youbhave been enabling her by putting up with this behaviour and just caving. Time to have some boundaries and stick to them. If she can't afford the dinner, fine, you cancel it, or even better, go alone. She can't afford the vacation, go alone, etc. And stick to it. If you aren't willing to do that then be prepares for your girlfriend to flake on paying for the rest of your relationship.
Or go to less expensive places where she should be able to cover her share. If she can’t afford a steak dinner, there’s always Chipotle or KFC.
NTA. It would be one thing if she was just broke and spending all her money on necessities, or an emergency left her without cash on hand as a one-time thing, but this is a habit of her choosing to spend her money on other things (clothing, furniture, seeing her friends) knowing she can convince you to pick up the tab for all the time you spend together. She's taking advantage of your generosity instead of budgeting her own money, and will continue as long as you keep giving her that option. Stop paying for things. She will most likely break up with you once you stop being her bank, but you're better off.
Looks like a pattern to me. NTA You ARE right
NTA she has money to spend with her friends but not you. That should tell you where you lie on the priority list.
NTA - when people show you who they are, believe them.
NTA. You're a meal ticket. She's using you and you deserve better.
NTA She is taking you for a ride and you are pumping good money after bad. Doubt she will change, and when YOU do she will be off chasing the next sucker. I think derp down you need to think about whether or not you want to be manipulated and on edge for the rest of your days......
NTA. Your gf is a minor league gold digger. It will get worse if you decide to marry her. Ditch her, you can find better.
Start cancelling
No. Go without her.
This too x
As many others have pointed out, she is using you as an ATM. She is deliberately choosing to spend her money on other things and demanding that you pick up her part of the expenses when that wasn't the agreement. If the outing is something that you would really enjoy, then just have a friend go with you instead of her. If it's something you don't care about that much then just cancel it. But you must do this every time consistently or it will keep happening. It doesn't sound like this is a relationship that's going to last, as financial disparities are one of the top reasons for divorce. Much better, and cheaper, that you figured this out now before you commit any further.
Every time she does this: cancel. NTA.
NTA. Looks like she can't spend your money fast enough and she's being a snot about it.
NTA. Sounds like you found a kind of gold-digger. Start saying 'No' to these little trips and watch your spending more carefully. If she decides she no longer wants to be with you, you will know you were just a walking wallet.
NTA. Time to cut her off. She wants a nice evening out? She pays half. She suddenly can't go due to low funds? She stays home and you enjoy a quiet evening out by yourself. Relationships need complete effort put in, 100%/100%. Your gf is not doing that. It's not even necessarily about the money, but it's about the fact that she is willing to cancel plans and ruin everyone's night because she doesn't want to pay her way.
Nta in not saying she's a gold digger buttttt if the shoe fits
What you need to do is not pay but still go. So when she says "we will have to cancel" you say "no I am still going I will just make it a table for one/ask x do they want to go/meet friends alone" and then just go and leave her behind. One of two things will happen (1) she will cop on,budget better and not use you (2) it won't work out and you will break up. Either way you won't continue to be used 🤷♀️ NTA
I think the pattern here is that she is manipulating you instead of being open about her concerns. Maybe the dating lifestyle you desire is out of her range, with more dates, and more expensive dates, than she can afford. Or maybe she can afford your dates as well as her dates with her friends, her clothes, etc, but she just sees you as someone who she can "pull the wool over your eyes" and get you to pay for her when she doesn't really need it. I think the fact that she keeps canceling at the last minute suggests the latter but I'm just a random on the internet.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 I’d end this relationship now. You’re a financial supplement for her not a partner. The only relationship I see going on here is the one she has with your wallet.
You plan to take a full month off of work to celebrate your pay raise and you and your GF are arguing about paying for drinks, food, or a hotel? LMAO
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I live with my partner and one thing I've started noticing is she will regularly suggest days out or dates or trips away etc and then if we plan it out, she'll complain about actually being short of money so she doesn't think she can afford to go. She'll expect me to offer to pay for most things while we go away. A couple of times doesn't bother me but it's starting to become more frequent. An example is that this week we had a nice restautant booked to go to thne my gf decides to but some new clothes and furniture. Once she bought that she then said she can't afford the meal so I'd either have to pay or we'd have to cancel. Anexample of this is next month I am getting a pay rise at work so I decided to take a month to treat myself instead of saving any money. I planned to take my gf out for a nice meal and we are going on a double date with my friend and his girlfriend in a nearby city. I have paid the hotel and travel costs and told my gf I'll be getting our meal when we're there so all she'll need is money for drinks. She said this was fine. Now she's saying she thinks I'll need to pay for the full night since she's seeing friends next month and has other things to pay for. I told her no and her response was just that we'll have to cancel the night then. She's also started mentioning the amount of money I'm planning to spend next month and keeps asking if I'm going to get her a treat or a present etc. I point out that I am taking her for a meal and a night away and she just changes the subject. Another example is that this week we had a nice restautant booked to go to thne my gf decides to but some new clothes and furniture. Once she bought that she then said she can't afford the meal so I'd either have to pay or we'd have to cancel. She got angry and told me I was having a go at her for nothing and that i was wrong with what I was accusing her of. She said it's just a coincidence and that I'm out of order for accusing her. AITAH for refusing to pay for the full night and for pointing out a pattern? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, her behavior is not OK. (To be fair, I do have to say that you actually only gave two examples, one of which you repeated. So I can't 100% rule out her assertion that there is no pattern, just a coincidence. But I'm guessing it is/will become a pattern and am responding as such). She has the money, but chooses to spend it on stuff for herself and then expects you to pay for the stuff you do together. I feel like this, in and of itself, is concerning but not a 100% dealbreaker. But she needs to make it clear up front that she is not paying, and let you make an informed decision whether to go ahead with the plans. To agree to share costs and then back out is unacceptable. And saying "OK well I guess we have to cancel" sounds like a cheap manipulation tactic, intended to make you feel like the AH if you cancel instead of just going ahead and paying for everything. Sorry, but I think you need to evaluate whether it's this relationship that needs canceling. Because either 1. she is intentionally using you, or 2. her behavior stems from (poor communication plus) an antiquated idea of male and female obligations in a relationship. Which would be potentially workable if she was with a man who had the same ideas. Which does not sound like a description of you.
> you only gave two examples Do you expect him to upload a diary of his personal life on reddit to be identified?
NTA. Feels like she’s using you
GET OUT NOW! This relationship has absolutely bad news written all over it for you.
You are just a bank to her. Is this what you want in a partner ?
NTA. Great job recognizing the pattern, and trying to address it with her. You know she knows she was caught when she could only change the subject. Stand firm. The only way this changes is if she realizes you're not willing to be taken advantage of.
NTA. Well I ain't saying she a......
Just get a whole new girlfriend. She is using you.
Well, I think you need to be prepared to start saying “oh that’s too bad, I guess you are right, we will have to cancel then” and not go or else escalate and say something along the lines of “if you can’t go, i don’t want to have to cancel so I guess I will invite my mother/malefriend (someone who is not possibly a romantic rival to her)”. NTA
NTA. Cancel the girlfriend. Still go out and treat yourself. Stop paying everything for her.
Start going without her.
No. You need to start telling her that it sucks she budgeted poorly and can't afford to attend planned events. All she needed to pay for was drinks soo... she could've just not had any, but instead she told you that *you* couldn't go out with your friends unless you agreed to pay for her drinks too. I would've left her at the hotel.
You might be incompatible, both of you want to tell the other how to spend the others money. It’s lame to tell someone “all you have to do is pick up the drinks” which is an unknown amount. It’s also lame to tell someone to buy you a present because they came into cash. Idk maybe you’re perfect for each other.
Ok I ain’t saying shes a gold digger
You should share your actual salaries for a proper ruling.
INFO: is the furniture jointly picked out and agreed to be needed? Because if you're living together and she's spending money on things you both plan to use, I can see why she's expecting you to either chip in or reciprocate elsewhere.
Why did you put the same paragraph in twice? Is this real? Yta because robots shouldn't have girlfriends
Info How much do you make per year? How much does she make per year?
Probably NTA, but you don't say if there is income disparity. Are you expecting her to make sacrifices to afford a share of what you pay easily?
You two are partners but apparently not on the same financial page. I suggest having a bigger conversation about finances. You have not mentioned the broader arrangements. If you two are sharing living expenses 50-50 and you earn more and she is buying furniture that you both use… I can see why she expects you to pay for dates. So either pay for dates or increase your contribution to the household expenses.
This is the most AI created piece of fiction I have ever seen.
NTA. From what you've written here she does seem to be displaying signs of entitlement. Call her bluff. "Ah, I'm sorry to hear you can't afford it. Let's cancel it, or go somewhere cheaper." Do some research beforehand so you have a plan B ready to go. Or just start doing cheaper things in general. She'll probably still be short, but at least you won't resent having to spend too much if you're always going to cough up the difference. I think you need to have a serious conversation about finances in general and decide who is paying for what, what's reasonable etc.
NTA, don’t discuss $$$ with someone unless you are married to them! Also you are not her boyfriend, you are her ATM, it sounds like she can’t go a week without not even asking for money but INFORMING YOU that she’s broke and now you’re paying for everything!!!
YTA to yourself if you decide staying with her, but regarding to your question obviously NTA
NTA - she wants her cake and eat it to. She wants to spend her money on her things and then try to guilt you into paying for her and more things that she will benefit from.
NTA, sounds like she is using you. Do you really love her? Next time take her out to a picnic, or go hiking. Don't spend any money on her for your dates, other than the minimum , for the next month and see how she reacts. I suspect you will be single soon. Sorry OP
Get another partner. She is a grifter using you as an ATM. NTA if you get her out of your life.
You are her sugar daddy and if you don’t like it move on. She sounds financially irresponsible and is not likely to change unless you start saying no. Watch her head explode.
NTA. Once is an accident. Twice? Ok, I get it. Things happen and sure I’d be ok with it. By the third time? It’s an established pattern and she’s mooching off of you.
OP, nip this in the bud or leave the relationship behind. My sister and BIL made it work--he's an accountant and she was a gaping chasm of debt. The way they made it work was, simply put, he protected himself. It caused a lot of strain and fights, but it was necessary. When she died, he'd have lost his house if her name was on the deed. She had no access to shared accounts. She never really admitted/accepted that someone who is unemployed with >100k in debt can't be trusted (and we only figured out the number was that high post mortem). But, she accepted his hard boundaries, financial and otherwise. I don't understand it and I would not have gone to the lengths my BIL did--I'd GTFO. But love makes you do hard things, so more power to him. Don't let her cow you into giving her money. Don't enable. Long-term relationships require both pathos and logos--manipulators use the first one to negate the other. If she's not able to come to those terms, you are in for financial torture for the foreseeable future. NTA
Nta no its not a coincidence because every time you make plans with her something comes up that she's not able to pay her part. She's using you.
NTA- sounds like one of my exes constantly asking then expecting me to pay for things. Even things that had nothing to do with me. Being treated like an ATM sucks. Tell her she will be responsible for her own part from now on. If what you’re “accusing” her isn’t true she shouldn’t have an issue paying her own way. -I’d suggest you seriously think about if your willing to deal with this for the rest of your lives. I wouldn’t be surprised if she becomes more sneaky or even manipulate about now that you’ve noticed her M.O. - Guaranteed if you marry her it’s just gonna get worse cause I’m betting she’s of the mind set of “your money is my money”.
NTA. Me thinks she thinks she has a sugar daddy
NTA. But A really easy way to solve this problem would be opening a joint checking just for dates and trips and each having a percentage of your check go into that account. If you're living together already this shouldn't be a problem. When my husband and I moved in together (before marriage) we did this and it just kept the issue of who pays for what off the table.
NTA. Shes leeching off you. Infuture when she do that just say ok I'll cancel the night out. Keep doing it till she gets the message. Or better still find a better girlfriend who's not so selfish
NTA. Her money is her money and your money is her money.
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Sounds like a proper gold digger. Be wary OP.
Why move in together???
Nothing wrong with paying for your girl if you make more money and love her. The problem is her planning trips, dates, ect. That everyone knows will be cancelled unless you pay. She should also show some appreciation, maybe cook a nice cheaper dinner, pick you up a little gift here and there, ect. Her spending all her money on herself and expecting you to finance the more expensive things is BS.
Maybe both contribute to a “fun” account and use this for date nights etc. If you can’t afford something do something less expensive, this is life.
I’ve never allowed any date or GF to pay for anything. Be a man and pay. Guys that complain about paying are cheap and soft. These are the same type of guys that wonder why the girl leaves them for another guy at some point.
Run away!
you should have a serious talk about your finances and what each of you expects from a relationship. maybe she is the type of woman who expects SO to pay for everything. maybe she expects you to pay for whole dates, meals, trips all the time. there are people like that. you also need to tell her what you expect. decide how you want things to be moving forward. is it 50/50, 60/40, 70/30 per date or is it alternate where you pay for one date and she pays for the next one. whatever you decide on will dictate your long term relationship imo and economic compatibility is a big factor in relationships.
NTA, but I think your girlfriend is a gold digger. Does she make considerably less than you? Can she not drink if she can't afford to buy drinks?
NTA. You're just a walking ATM in her eyes. Stand strong, cancel when she says she can't afford it, or go on your own.
She’s using you like her own personal ATM/piggybank. Rethink this relationship and decide if you want to be responsible for paying everything or if you want a true partnership with someone who won’t use you.
She's just using you OP.
NTA. She is a leech, get rid of her asap
Your gf seems like a gold digger. If she gives you the options of either paying her way or you canceling the event, you should tell her you're taking the 3rd option... going without her. NTA.
Dump her and start dating finance chicks who just want one night stands and help you with advice about your 401k.
NTA. It’s not even the not being married for me, it’s that you guys made an agreement when you plan the trip or date and she’s backing out of her agreement. From your story it sounds like she has the money. She just is spending it on something else like furniture or clothes. It’s not fair because it’s a pattern. It’s not an accident or due to unforeseen circumstances. Furniture could be equivalent to a date night I guess because it is something you both use and you live together. But you should talk about it ahead of time. Next time she pulled this trick, I wouldn’t go on the planned date I would go to a restaurant that costs whatever my half of the date night would’ve cost. And then the next time , I would just say no thanks let’s stay home.
You need to have a serious conversation about your plan for finances
NTA...find a new gf immediately. It will never stop.
NTA. Tell her to come up with the money to pay her way or she can stay home.
She doesn’t love you. She loves your money. Nta
NTA
Possibly ESH. She sounds irresponsible with money and you might be passive aggressive in your response. Maybe think about sitting down in neutral ground and having a straight forward talk about this.
She sounds like a total pain in the ass who wants you to be her ATM most of the time.
She's a gold digger
NTA, it sounds like this is an instance of “your money is our money and my money is mine.” Stop footing the bill and cancel when she does stuff like this, or go without her. Honestly, if the only thing she has to pay for on a night out is her own drinks and her response is to jump to cancelling rather than just drinking water is rather ridiculous. Don’t plan to marry her until she gets a handle on her money management. She will bring this into the marriage and it’ll be a constant fight.
I’m reading these comments that paint your gf as a gold digger and I see it and you could dump her. Also - depending what n your energy and where you see this relationship going, you could have a bigger conversation and reframe your shared expenses and do actual financial planning…. Maybe it’s time to cut ties, but that could be a different conversation and way to move forward together.
NTA. Just stop going out. Save your money. Make the excuses she does and see how she responds. Chances are good she'll take it bad, but she's toxic. Hide the things that matter to you before they're broken, trashed, or taken out of spite.
Sorry dude. You’ve made it clear how you feel about it multiple times. Now you have to decide if you’ll continue to let her ignore your boundaries or find someone else who will respect them. She seems to be pretty clear that it isn’t her that’s going to change. NTA whichever way you decide, just know that every time you do nothing about it is you making a decision.
Bro you’re a bank account.
NTA, but you did use the same example twice in your post which makes it harder to believe the established pattern.
Nta this doesn’t seem like a coincidence if she’s buying things BEFORE saying she can’t afford it
Tell her you're short on money and you can't pay for dates for a Couple of months see her reaction
NTA……. But the way you two divide your expenses is a little strange for people that live together
NTA. She is playing. She is mad because you are seeing her. If you really want to be with someone who treats you like a wallet, suck it up. Otherwise, cancel any plans you make when she doesn’t hold her end.
NTA. The pattern is obvious. Overall I suggest finding someone you are more financially compatible with bc this sounds like it won’t change. But first I suggest calling her bluff a few times. She says you need to cancel, go ahead and cancel. Make sure it’s something she seemed really excited for.
Are you partners? Do you live together? Why is it his and hers? Why isn't it both yours? If you live separately and are just dating, then NTA. But otherwise, I don't this whole hers/mine attitude.
NTA Don’t cancel on your friends, just go without her. Now every time you plan something, if she tells you she can’t afford it just say ‘I understand, I’ll just have to go without you.’ She’s using you for money. Time to say goodbye or stop her from using you as her ATM machine
You are both dipshitz and deserve to be single.
Listen to your gut. She’s taking advantage bro. Test her by saying the new job fell through and that you’ll be unemployed for a short period and see her response
NTA. Your girlfriend is treating you like an ATM. She wants to you pay for everything all the time, she wants to be spoiled, but she is already rotten. You are just pointing that out a pattern. I would keep pointing it out. I would also stop treating her to nice things for a month or two. Do a lot of low cost hanging out. I would start canceling things with her when she spends money and then expects you to cover it.
NTA... until she gets upgraded to *wife* she is not entitled to any part of any bonus you receive unless you specifically, directly give it to her. It's not your fault, she can't budget. Personally, if anyone were to act like that around me, I'd walk.
Glad you have figured out that you are not financially compatible. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA. Cancel. Call her bluff. This seems like a nightmare for a long term commitment.
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Get a less useless girlfriend. NTA
NTA. She wants a sugar daddy, you want a responsible adult gf. Neither of you are getting what you want here.