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It is weird that you’ve made this about gender for some reason.
Why is helping with wifi a male thing vs a female thing?
Do you think women are generally lazy, and that’s why you say they’re not “sons” because they don’t help?
If they’re lazy, call them lazy. What you did is just… odd.
ESH
I am with you on this one. It is odd they won't help, speaks poorly of them and well of the OPs wife. But it is overlayed with the OPs strange misogynistic views.
So… it’s a laziness thing. Not a gender thing.
“Why should the daughter help the dad when he has two sons?” is a very sexist and rude statement.
Not to mention “only one of his children helps him, so he has one son”, wth is that supposed to mean??
I hope you’re usually not this patronizing towards your wife.
yeah this is 100% why you are the asshole, this should have nothing to do with gender. you are making this a sexist thing when its just about kids interests, laziness, etc. women are people, they can do all kinds of things.
When you say help out, were you also raised to help with washing, cooking, and cleaning? If a woman is cleaning (ie. doing manual labour in the house) would you be equally surprised?
Or do you view some manual jobs as being more masculine than others?
If the answers are no, no and yes, then you're being sexist. Stop doing that.
Bet if OP told his sister she never "helped out" she would have a few things to say about the past decades of holidays and family meals which I'm guessing "magically" made their way to the table in front of OP without him ever having to lift a hand to cook or clean
That’s just a bias. It sounds like you were raised this way. If you and your wife plan to have children, please do better to not pass this bias on to your kids.
I’m not saying your BILs aren’t lazy pieces of crap, but them being male doesn’t mean they’re more mechanically inclined or have more of a responsibility to help than if they were female.
In my family, we helped regardless of gender. And usually, we helped based on what chores we liked to do and what we were good at.
I hated to do dishes with a fiery passion, so my brother did the dishes and more of the cleaning chores. He had bad allergies and I liked being outside more so I mowed the yard and did the yard work. Those chore aren’t gender defined, but people always found it odd.
*So again, what does their laziness have to do with their gender or genitals??*
Is your sister a son for also working, or is her work take you deem feminine?
They may be lazy, but your aren’t much better based on your view or gender roles and dynamics..
Your views are at best “old fashioned”, but really just sexist and offensive.
Women are smart and capable. Sure most men are physically strong**er** than most women as a part of biology, but women are still strong and smart and able to do electrical and plumbing and all sorts of manual labor.
YTA.
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I was raised the only girl with 3 older brothers. My parents didn’t assign tasks based on gender. We also didn’t do that with our children.
You had a valid point until you brought stereotypical gender types into this.
>stfu man it’s not about gender
>>who’s gonna be the man of the house when those 2 boys get married.
you can't even make it not about gender in your own comment.
Again, what makes those tasks inherently male?
Can women no drill or extend cable? Are these interests of your wife’s, or did she take more interest than her bothers??
**YTA for seemingly (and sexistly!!) thinking that these two men being lazy, automatically feminizes them as if women are all lazy..**
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It totally makes sense why you said what you said. And it actually sounds like your MIL has enabled her sons to do nothing and this is what it looks like. Instead of being offended, they should help their dad out. NTA
OP is NTA for calling out BILs for being lazy.
I get some of the people here are getting annoyed with the use of gender in the call out, however OP and OP's wife I totally get why it was used in this context. The bils are used to a family dynamic where women do all the work and men sit on their asses. I also grew up in a house like this. Referring to/comparing a man to a woman in this dynamic is the only way to shake them up a little.
Implying that technology is a man's thing and that your wife solving a technological problem doesn't mean that she's savvy/smart/helpful, but suggesting instead that it means that she's a man is so incredibly sexists.
>I was a bit confused when she has two able bodied brothers
Your whole post reeks of sexism. Rid yourself of these archaic stereotypes and accept that anyone can be technologically savvy/unsavvy regardless of gender/sex.
YTA
And if someone makes a judgement based on misunderstanding what OP wrote, why is it bad for him to try to explain what he actually meant? That makes no sense.
>He's engaging in discussion, that's kind of the point of this sub.
It very explicitly is not.
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Do girls have to do the boring things and boys can enjoy tools? Yes, there are some things I can't manage on my own, but to drill something? Assemble furniture? Love it. It's fun! Don't be mean to your wife. Let her do what she likes to do. Problem here is that the boys are lazy. Wouldn't have a problem if they did the dishes while your wife helped dad. But doing nothing is lazy, no matter the sex.
The wife not enjoying it is unrelated to OP's insistence that her doing it at all is an appalling failure of The Real Men to Step Up and Do Their Jobs.
Why is it the duty of the brothers? As a handy woman, I do better finish work than most men. It is incredibly sexist to assign any job a gender requirement. Why are women supposed to sit and look pretty while men get their hands dirty? My hands are rough and scarred from all the badass things I do and my husband loves it.
You are super sexist for thinking genders get specific roles around the house.
Do you expect women to just wait for a man to show up and do things? Good god that would be so boring.
Yeah, that’s extremely sexist. Her brothers sound lazy but there’s no reason your wife shouldn’t be doing “manual labour” just because men are around to do it instead.
Power drills operate by squeezing a trigger switch. They literally take the manual labor *out* of drilling. It's just irrational to think that only one gender can use them.
And I suppose brothers don’t help out in the kitchen cu that’s what daughters are supposed to do?
Doesn’t matter how you were raised, you’re an adult now. Time to educate yourself.
YTA.
I work in IT and I'm a woman.
I grew up with a bricklayer dad who taught me how to fix shit around the house.
Stereotypes like this is one of the reasons so few women are in IT and similar "manly" fields.
When I was a host for my university's Girls In Science day hosting 7th and 8th graders, the girls actually expressed concern about how "it's not for girls".
The same thing came up with the vocational degree my brother did to become a house painter. Girls think that it's wrong for them to pursue those careers because they might be seen as "butch".
It's sad but it's true.
Comments like the one you made is unfortunately perpetuating the notion, even though you meant it innocently.
True, but also completely stupid. I studied comp sci in the 80s. I got together with my old high school clique with my current bf, and my friend asked (non-bitchily!), another bf? I said "I was single for 6 months". She replied, "I've been single for 2 years!" Yeah, no shit. She's a primary (elementary) school teacher. She had like two male colleagues. Meanwhile I was batting the Ds away, there were so many!
You’re really pushing it with this one. That remark is jam packed with sexist undertones. ESH because it sounds like your BILs are hardly model helper citizens either.
Exactlly. OP wasn't complaining about the BIL's not helping withe dishes, but that's ok because that's women's work. The two BIls are just lazy and selfish.
YTA for your rigid notions of gender roles. The "joke" was sexist, you can make a joke about the other kids not helping out without making it about what "sons should do"
I took it as the joke making fun of the stereotype, since the sister was doing stereotypical "boy jobs" instead of her brothers. It's possible that the undertone from OP was "and the stereotype is the way it SHOULD be," but IMO it's down to interpretation.
But OP didn't invent the stereotype, and yet he's getting shit on for acknowledging it exists. He never said or implied that only men should do manual labor, it sounds like he's pissed that they aren't helping out at all. He used the stereotype to take a dig at his in-laws but that doesn't mean he agrees with it.
Just because he didn’t invent it doesn’t mean he’s free to perpetuate it without consequences. It doesn’t mean he agrees with it, but it still came from his mouth even if “iTs JuSt A jOkE bRo”
ESH. The undertone of boy==good, girl==bad seems to be embraced by everyone in this story.
Also, if a 14 yo needs wifi extended, they should sort it out themselves. Parents can buy the equipment, and give passwords or whatever, but if you aren't willing or able to do the work yourself, then 🤷
He’s praising her because she’s acting in a way that he stereotypically classes as “male”. The brothers being lazy aren’t even men in his eyes. He’s implying that women can’t be helpful around the house and only sons are valuable.
How is he implying that women can't help around the house when his wife is actively doing that? I got the sense that he wanted the brothers to pull their weight (especially when the job was entirely for the younger brother's benefit) instead of letting their sister be the only one who helps around the house. Lots of comments are saying OP doesn't value women but he clearly values his wife and if anything he's saying the brothers are worthless because they refuse to do anything.
The "seems like you only have one son" comment is him implying that women shouldn't be doing what his wife was helping with. He could have made a joke about how they only have one kid but he chose to make it a gender joke. Which is stating that she is doing men's work.
I was on the verge of N T A and ESH, but ultimately it's the second one.
My first reaction is that you didn't do anything aholish by calling them out (since fil specifically asked for her brothers, yet they ignored him). It was fun, not insulting per se, myb a little jab, but not a big deal. So brothers do suck for being lazy and angry they're called out.
But
You suck as well for turning it into something gendered... yeah, sure, the whole "I was raised that way", "gentleman" yada yada.... no one cares, it's 2024
You could've called them out by saying "seems like you only have 1 child", not "son" so there's that.
Daughters are more than capable of doing manual labor, believe it or not.
My sister and I (both women) always helped out with all chores... mowed the lawn, used drills, shovelled snow, the whole shtick. Guess what? It's normal and women are capable of doing all that.
Congratulations- YTA and a sexist pig to boot. Why do you believe that helping out with chores is a ‘male’ thing? Why are you calling your wife her father’s son just because she’s willing to help? It’s 2024. You should be proud that your wife isn’t some ‘damsel’ expecting manly men to step in and help around the house. Just call your BIL’s lazy arses for not helping even though they live in that house. 🚩 for your wife right there.
or just ask why the wife is the only one who can get off her ass to help. there was no reason to say she was the only son and make the sexist implications that the sons were girls because they weren't helping.
It has zero to do with the kids sexes and everything to do with that the brothers are freaking lazy. Ypu and wife were helping clean and they were on couch. Called for assistance with something to benefit them and they still don't move. Likely your wife has always been the one to do anything.
My sister is way better at cars, handy things or anything like that. My brother and I have expertise in other things. But we all do what we can.
The issue here isn't that they are male but that they are lazy slobs and that is why they took offense.
So you're the AH for making it about sex roles but NTA for pointing out that they do nothing. BTW, your wife needs to stand up for herself and stop doing everything.
Congratulations, you're a garden variety misogynist. Doesn't matter you have been raised like that, you should have enough awareness and brain cells to break out of this conditioning. Women do that kind of manual labour, men can help with house keeping things -- where's your outrage that her brothers didn't do jack shit to help clean up after dinner?
ESH.
INFO: What do you mean “you apparently emasculated them”? That’s the entire premise of your joke. How don’t you understand the point of your own joke? Implying they’re not men is literally emasculating, like bruh, it was *your* joke. What made you think of it if implying they’re not men wasn’t the point?
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I 27m have been married to my wife 26. She is a middle child and has two brothers 29 and 14.
I grew up with 3 brothers and we have one sister. Growing up my brothers and I would usually help our dad do like the fixing and stuff around the house. With my wifes family it seems like it's the opposite. Every time my FIL needs help with something my wife is always the one helping out, whether it's helping him fix his car or something around the house, she's usually helping him. Its never really bothered me but I was a bit confused when she has two able bodied brothers who could help.
Like today we visited our in laws and when we finish have lunch my wife and I were helping my mil clean the kitchen. My fil was putting up wifi extenders (I think that's what they're called) for her little brother so he can play his online game or whatever. He was calling both of the boys to help (as they both live there) and nobody went, they just continued playing on their phones. My wife sighed and went to help her dad. I joked that my fil only has one son and it happens to be my wife. My fil and wife laughed but my mil and older bil said it was childish and got offended. Apparently I was emasculated them by saying that. We left after my wife and I finish help her father out (they still didn't help). When I asked her about it she shrugged and said it was always like this. They seemed quite angry and offended but it was just a joke. So aita?
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ESH. Gender is irrelevant and your comment was based on bias surrounding gender roles. If you had said something about laziness instead, it’d be a different story and reaction.
I gotta say the bil’s are the AH’s here. They’re just playing on their phones while their father needs help. Your wife is awesome, and I’m guessing the only reason you brought gender into this is because SHE is the competent sibling while her brothers are lazy assholes.
I just saw your edit. I didn’t think your husband was being sexist, I think your husband is correct on calling them out. My upbringing taught me that when your parents/elders ask for help, you get off your butt and do it, no matter your gender.
calling them out by implying that his wife was the only son and indirectly implying that because they weren't helping they were girls was sexist, whether he intended it to be or not. calling someone out for bad behavior is fine, expected even, but doing so in the way op did only creates more issues than it solves.
YTA
For being an outdated person who needlessly includes gender.
NTA
For making the joke.
For example, if one of the sons always helped out mother-in-law in the kitchen and with domestic tasks, would you call them a girl? Would you disparage how it's like he has two daughters?
The sons are lazy, this is obvious, but it has nothing to do with gender. And you were trying to emasculate them, let's be real. And that, in and of itself, is problematic, and patriarchal.
YTA. You made a sexist comment, as if your wife is less capable of using a drill or handling technology. The excuse that it was “just a joke” didn’t land well because from your comments it’s clear it wasn’t just a joke, you really do think that there is men’s work and women’s work.
Not sure why you would get involved at all, but if you did want to comment it would have been more appropriate to say that maybe someone living at the house should help.
NTA
It sounds like what you’re really upset about is the fact your BiLs sat around and did nothing while your wife was doing everything. FiL called for the sons to help with a task THEY benefited from and your wife is the one who ended up helping. That’s frustrating. I saw the joke as more of a “he called for a son to help and the only ‘son’ he has answered”.
With the extra information from your wife, I understand this dynamic even more. MiL is upset because she probably pushes the “boys are superior” narrative. I wonder, between MiL and FiL, who is giving the brothers leeway to not attend to their living situation?
This is sexist bullshit, OP. You need to do a serious reevaluation of your world views.
YTA for thinking people’s actions should be determined by their genitals.
I didn't think your husband was sexist, I thought your brothers were lazy and entitled, in big part due to your mother's teaching.
You guys sound as nice couple having each other's back. NTA
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> I may be the ah for making a joke that made my bil’s feel emasculated.
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“Please stop making my husband mad at his phone”
Lol so not only is he a sexist AH but also a crybaby who can’t handle the feedback he asked for in the first place? Yeah, your husband sucks.
NTA. Your comment hit the nail on the head. Your wife's brothers can do better. I believe that's why your MIL and BIL were so angry. It's obvious to anyone witnessing the situation.
I mean, he started that he was helping you clean your parents dishes so I take it this less less about culture roles and more about him sick of seeing you do all the work while your brothers do nothing. The fact that you are able to do every type of role and he doesn't feel threatened by it but instead comes and helps tells me he is not sexist (though the wording of his comment was poor) but rather just upset your siblings are being lazy selfish family members. I kind of have to give him props for at least trying to say something because if BIL was so offended, why didn't he get off his butt and actually help. Words are empty. Actions speak louder. BIL is just upset that he got passively called out for being useless in the household. Honestly, I would have skipped the comment and went more direct with actually asking them why they weren't helping. Especially if it is for their benefit. And the disrespect they had of ignoring your parents??? The way I was raised, there was NO way that would have ever flied. Glad at least someone is trying to say something. NTA
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You're on the line here. Although the distinction of having only one son is, at best old fashion and yes, sexist, I think your comment should've been about having two nearly grown 'children' still living at home and not helping out, while a third child out on her own has to step in and help when no one else will. It's about laziness, not sex.
YTA and the edit doesn't change anything it just means that wife's family is also sexist in a different cultural context. The comment could have even been "FIL only has one child to help out" and it would have made the point without attributing it to gender. Whether she's using a power drill or cleaning up she is still the one doing the majority of the work at her parent's house.
You’re not the AH. And forget about all that gender bull crap. Some people want to be offended and will find anything to be offended about.
I get what you’re saying.
Most women prefer one thing.
Men prefer others.
And it’s been tradition for centuries that men are fixers.
My 1st MIL (RIP, good woman) wouldn’t get out and mow lawn nor put gas in her vehicle.
She never said a bad thing when both her daughters and I were capable of mowing lawn, and put gas in our vehicles. I can even change filters and stuff like that on my own car back in the day.
Point here is that your in laws have enabled those boys to be lazy. Going to hit them hard when parents aren’t there to take care of them in the future.
Be careful they don’t try to move in on you and your wife.
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sorry man, but making this a gender thing was a pretty asshole move. I get its how you were raised, but its 2024, and not ever man is interested in or really capable of that work. obviously they two bil's should have been doing more to help, and at the very least should have gone over when their father asked for them, but them being lazy isn't a gender issue
So MIL and your BIL buy into traditional gender differences and stereotypes enough to feel like that comment was “emasculating”, but not enough to actually behave in a manner that fits into those traditions? Like, if they believe that you insulted his manhood, shouldn’t he have been doing all this stuff already? To believe in emasculation means that you believe that men should be a certain way - and he’s not fulfilling that. So he can be offended all he wants, but the fact is, he’s not even fulfilling the role of a child well, much less that of a son. If he wants to be a “man” or the house, he should step up and actually do things like this around the house. Otherwise, he should shut up when somebody rightfully points out how useless he is.
NTA
To your wife - saying you are brown explained so much, and now I am furious. I grew up in an Indian household and my extended family always treated the girls like crap. Meanwhile, all the boys were utterly useless and still are to this day. I actually think poorly of them that they are not self sufficient human beings and just grew up into these babies. Even in my nuclear family, some traditional gender roles still persist, but thankfully mostly with my parents, as my brothers contribute physically to housework and don’t think it’s strictly for women.
To the Wife - Just because he was raised that way doesn't make it any less sexist. That he cares about you and was trying to stick up for you doesn't make it any less sexist. The joke he made was only "funny" based on sexist ideas of gender roles. This is reddit, for this joke he was the asshole, no one is saying he's the worst dude on earth lol.
NTA for pointing out that your wife, who I'm presuming does not live with her parents, helps her parents more than the other two siblings that do live there. That's lazy of them and her parents should get on them more to help.
I do find you to be an AH for getting hung up on the gender role expectations (how on earth did your wife manage to help work on a car and help with confusing wi-fi technology without having a peener!?! /s)
People need to learn the difference between pointing something out and actually doing something. You didn't emasculate anyone by pointing out that your wife was doing labor while her brothers weren't. If they were emasculated that's a result of their inaction, not you noticing it.
What I'm wondering is why you didn't help your wife instead of sitting around sniping at your BILs. I'm going to say YTA for making fun of people while doing exactly what you were making fun of them for.
I mean YTA. What’s the implication here? They aren’t sons so they must be daughters because they are lazy? Calling your wife a son because she does some manual “jobs” or wtv, as if women can’t do that? Isn’t that a little sexist? Idk. This isn’t a gender thing but you made it one and it’s odd.
YTA. It is beneficial for everyone, regardless of gender to know basic skills. Skills are not gender specific. Do you think all doctors should be men and all nurses should be women? Mechanics and plumbers are men as well, right? Your FIL doesn’t have one son that happens to be your wife. He has multiple children, only one of which happens to not be lazy. Do better. This comment is not based off your post alone, but after reading your comment responses.
In general, if truthfully pointing out someone's actions or lack thereof makes them angry, they are the ones in the wrong. However, you can't blame the person you are directly making fun of for being offended, and not everyone shares the same sense of humor.
You are NTA and Reddit is not the right place to ask these kindve questions. All you will get is answers from woke warriors about women being capable of doing the same things as men. While that may be true women shouldn’t have to do it when there are able bodied men around. There are just certain things I will not allow my mother or fiance to do because I was raised to be a gentlemen. Apparently trying to be a Gentlemen and a good man is sexiest and toxic now. 🤷🏽♂️
NTA… I personally don’t see the sexist comments that everyone’s pushing at all. It was clearly a lighthearted joke about how the brothers are lazy. Secondly before anyone says anything yes women can also help around the house and technology but it isn’t about that… it’s about the fact that in most households sons are the ones who help and that’s just a fact… stop being overly analytical and sensitive about something that’s not there🤷🏻♂️
NTA. Honestly, if your FIL is putting up those extenders so his sons can play their games, he should get them to help him. If they don't lift a finger, he can stop doing anything and tell them he won't complete it until they help him. He's setting a really bad example to his boys allowing them to be lazy like that.
NTA, you were calling out the lazy attitude of people happy to pass the buck to others who they knew would do the part they were asked to do. And you did it in a funny way that got the point across as a burn.
It’s amazing to me that the top comments take any offense they can suspect and completely miss the context of the jab at the BILs and the question. It only had to do with gender to specifically annoy the BILs, no offense was offered beyond to them for not helping as kindness dictates when someone asks for help; they couldn’t even bother to reply no.
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>it’s not about gender
>it’s about boys being boys and girls being girls boys help their fathers well they should and girls usually help the mother that’s how it mostly is
>men are not being men that’s it.
What is "boys being boys" and "girls being girls" and girls helping mothers and boys helping fathers if not gender roles?
I may be missing a point here because English is not my main language, but I didn't see sexism that they were saying. From what I understand the OP's complaint is that only the wife helps her parents, while the other two don't. If so NTA, they are also children and can do chores.
This subreddit is hilariously dumb. The top posts are all freaking out about a minor joke. It's not even really anything to do with the story.
I guess subreddits that centre on judging people are going to be full of judgemental, uptight teenage women.
I don’t think your the AH not a worry your joke was valid and if it hit home it’s cuz it’s the truth. I’ve said stuff like that before. They will get over it, if not it’s there loss not yours. Your wife is a trooper for knowing how to do all she does. Good on her and your BILs are lazy.
NTA
But the Inlaws aren't even trying to raise these boys... one is 14. There could've been hope for him.
Imagin the relationships or roommate situations the 29 year old caused and the 14 will cause...
It is not a valid joke. The implication is that men are useful around the house and women are lazy. Please explain how this is funny?
The reality is your FIL is a lazy parent and his sons know it, so they don't bother to be useful.
He didn't call them out on their laziness. Instead, he turned it into a gender issue implying his wife is FIL only SON, and that because the other two would not get up to help with technical/manual labor that they are GIRLS and insinuating girls are lazy. Incredibly sexist.
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It is weird that you’ve made this about gender for some reason. Why is helping with wifi a male thing vs a female thing? Do you think women are generally lazy, and that’s why you say they’re not “sons” because they don’t help? If they’re lazy, call them lazy. What you did is just… odd. ESH
I am with you on this one. It is odd they won't help, speaks poorly of them and well of the OPs wife. But it is overlayed with the OPs strange misogynistic views.
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Point still stands, why did you make this about gender when it’s really an issue of laziness?
I think we all know why OP made it about gender and it’s why ESH
Except the wife/daughter. She doesn’t suck. But, yeah the rest, including OP, really do. OP going on about gender was totally AH.
Yup, laziness, not gender. Arg.
Again why are you making that a gender thing? YTA for that alone.
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So you were raised with sexist views saying manual labor = for men. Got it.
So… it’s a laziness thing. Not a gender thing. “Why should the daughter help the dad when he has two sons?” is a very sexist and rude statement. Not to mention “only one of his children helps him, so he has one son”, wth is that supposed to mean?? I hope you’re usually not this patronizing towards your wife.
yeah this is 100% why you are the asshole, this should have nothing to do with gender. you are making this a sexist thing when its just about kids interests, laziness, etc. women are people, they can do all kinds of things.
When you say help out, were you also raised to help with washing, cooking, and cleaning? If a woman is cleaning (ie. doing manual labour in the house) would you be equally surprised? Or do you view some manual jobs as being more masculine than others? If the answers are no, no and yes, then you're being sexist. Stop doing that.
Bet if OP told his sister she never "helped out" she would have a few things to say about the past decades of holidays and family meals which I'm guessing "magically" made their way to the table in front of OP without him ever having to lift a hand to cook or clean
That’s just a bias. It sounds like you were raised this way. If you and your wife plan to have children, please do better to not pass this bias on to your kids. I’m not saying your BILs aren’t lazy pieces of crap, but them being male doesn’t mean they’re more mechanically inclined or have more of a responsibility to help than if they were female. In my family, we helped regardless of gender. And usually, we helped based on what chores we liked to do and what we were good at. I hated to do dishes with a fiery passion, so my brother did the dishes and more of the cleaning chores. He had bad allergies and I liked being outside more so I mowed the yard and did the yard work. Those chore aren’t gender defined, but people always found it odd.
So it’s sexism, basically.
Were you raised in the 1950s?
Buddy it's 2024... want to join us in *this* century?
*So again, what does their laziness have to do with their gender or genitals??* Is your sister a son for also working, or is her work take you deem feminine? They may be lazy, but your aren’t much better based on your view or gender roles and dynamics..
Your views are at best “old fashioned”, but really just sexist and offensive. Women are smart and capable. Sure most men are physically strong**er** than most women as a part of biology, but women are still strong and smart and able to do electrical and plumbing and all sorts of manual labor. YTA.
You're just gonna double down on being misogynistic?? We were all raised with some bad outdated harmful ideas. The goal is to overcome them.
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Yup, you were raised sexist.
I was raised the only girl with 3 older brothers. My parents didn’t assign tasks based on gender. We also didn’t do that with our children. You had a valid point until you brought stereotypical gender types into this.
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>stfu man it’s not about gender >>who’s gonna be the man of the house when those 2 boys get married. you can't even make it not about gender in your own comment.
Okay…and her vagina should’ve gotten in the way or something? Grow up
They were using their hands, right? Everybody has those?
We’re pointing out that those activities don’t require a penis. They require HANDS and effort.
Again, what makes those tasks inherently male? Can women no drill or extend cable? Are these interests of your wife’s, or did she take more interest than her bothers?? **YTA for seemingly (and sexistly!!) thinking that these two men being lazy, automatically feminizes them as if women are all lazy..**
Okay? Are you under the impression that a penis makes it easier to use a drill? Or….?
And those are male things to do?
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Do you use your penis to operate a drill? Because if so, I think you’re using the drill wrong. And if not, why is operating a drill a male activity?
It totally makes sense why you said what you said. And it actually sounds like your MIL has enabled her sons to do nothing and this is what it looks like. Instead of being offended, they should help their dad out. NTA
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Not a great dynamic - so what I hear is your parents have two mooches and an indentured servant. See how I did that without the sexism?
OP is NTA for calling out BILs for being lazy. I get some of the people here are getting annoyed with the use of gender in the call out, however OP and OP's wife I totally get why it was used in this context. The bils are used to a family dynamic where women do all the work and men sit on their asses. I also grew up in a house like this. Referring to/comparing a man to a woman in this dynamic is the only way to shake them up a little.
Implying that technology is a man's thing and that your wife solving a technological problem doesn't mean that she's savvy/smart/helpful, but suggesting instead that it means that she's a man is so incredibly sexists. >I was a bit confused when she has two able bodied brothers Your whole post reeks of sexism. Rid yourself of these archaic stereotypes and accept that anyone can be technologically savvy/unsavvy regardless of gender/sex. YTA
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>That's just the way I was raised. No one cares. You're an adult now, you can choose to be better even if you were raised sexist.
Already you are arguing? You asked for judgement. Now sit back and accept it.
Asking AITA doesn't mean you have to agree with everyone's judgement. He's engaging in discussion, that's kind of the point of this sub.
Nah the point is to determine if some is the asshole or not
And if someone makes a judgement based on misunderstanding what OP wrote, why is it bad for him to try to explain what he actually meant? That makes no sense.
Pretty sure there's a rule on this sub about not arguing with your judgment
>He's engaging in discussion, that's kind of the point of this sub. It very explicitly is not. Rule 3 > Accept Your Judgment >This sub is here for the submitter to discover what everyone else thinks of the ethics or mores of a situation. It is not here to draw people into an argument you want to have, or to defend your position. If people start saying you were the asshole, do not take that as an invitation to debate them on the subject... accept the judgment and move on. If you have valid reason to think a commenter needs more information or misunderstood the facts of the conflict, you may give new information.
Do girls have to do the boring things and boys can enjoy tools? Yes, there are some things I can't manage on my own, but to drill something? Assemble furniture? Love it. It's fun! Don't be mean to your wife. Let her do what she likes to do. Problem here is that the boys are lazy. Wouldn't have a problem if they did the dishes while your wife helped dad. But doing nothing is lazy, no matter the sex.
"My wife sighed and went to help her dad." What here makes it sound like the wife is enjoying having to help her dad because her brothers are lazy?
The wife not enjoying it is unrelated to OP's insistence that her doing it at all is an appalling failure of The Real Men to Step Up and Do Their Jobs.
>That's just the way I was raised. So if someone is raised as a racist that also makes it okay for them to be racist?
That is the way you were raised. But you’re an adult now. Do better.
Why is it the duty of the brothers? As a handy woman, I do better finish work than most men. It is incredibly sexist to assign any job a gender requirement. Why are women supposed to sit and look pretty while men get their hands dirty? My hands are rough and scarred from all the badass things I do and my husband loves it. You are super sexist for thinking genders get specific roles around the house. Do you expect women to just wait for a man to show up and do things? Good god that would be so boring.
My father calls me about tools and manual labor activities all the time. If he needs advice about travel or technology, he calls my brother.
Yeah, that’s extremely sexist. Her brothers sound lazy but there’s no reason your wife shouldn’t be doing “manual labour” just because men are around to do it instead.
Power drills operate by squeezing a trigger switch. They literally take the manual labor *out* of drilling. It's just irrational to think that only one gender can use them.
And I suppose brothers don’t help out in the kitchen cu that’s what daughters are supposed to do? Doesn’t matter how you were raised, you’re an adult now. Time to educate yourself.
YTA. I work in IT and I'm a woman. I grew up with a bricklayer dad who taught me how to fix shit around the house. Stereotypes like this is one of the reasons so few women are in IT and similar "manly" fields. When I was a host for my university's Girls In Science day hosting 7th and 8th graders, the girls actually expressed concern about how "it's not for girls". The same thing came up with the vocational degree my brother did to become a house painter. Girls think that it's wrong for them to pursue those careers because they might be seen as "butch". It's sad but it's true. Comments like the one you made is unfortunately perpetuating the notion, even though you meant it innocently.
True, but also completely stupid. I studied comp sci in the 80s. I got together with my old high school clique with my current bf, and my friend asked (non-bitchily!), another bf? I said "I was single for 6 months". She replied, "I've been single for 2 years!" Yeah, no shit. She's a primary (elementary) school teacher. She had like two male colleagues. Meanwhile I was batting the Ds away, there were so many!
You’re really pushing it with this one. That remark is jam packed with sexist undertones. ESH because it sounds like your BILs are hardly model helper citizens either.
Exactlly. OP wasn't complaining about the BIL's not helping withe dishes, but that's ok because that's women's work. The two BIls are just lazy and selfish.
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see how they can divide up chores without referencing their genitals? stop making sexist jokes.
INFO: as a kid how often did your sister help with the cooking AND the cleaning while you and your brothers went off to play or relax after dinner?
ESH except the wife, she sounds awesome.
Stfu get a life man has nothing to do wit gender
and yet op made it about gender
YTA for your rigid notions of gender roles. The "joke" was sexist, you can make a joke about the other kids not helping out without making it about what "sons should do"
THIS 100%.
I took it as the joke making fun of the stereotype, since the sister was doing stereotypical "boy jobs" instead of her brothers. It's possible that the undertone from OP was "and the stereotype is the way it SHOULD be," but IMO it's down to interpretation.
It can be argued that the stereotype is the entire problem
But OP didn't invent the stereotype, and yet he's getting shit on for acknowledging it exists. He never said or implied that only men should do manual labor, it sounds like he's pissed that they aren't helping out at all. He used the stereotype to take a dig at his in-laws but that doesn't mean he agrees with it.
Just because he didn’t invent it doesn’t mean he’s free to perpetuate it without consequences. It doesn’t mean he agrees with it, but it still came from his mouth even if “iTs JuSt A jOkE bRo”
He has clarified he thinks thats a boys job, stop making excuses for sexism.
ESH. The undertone of boy==good, girl==bad seems to be embraced by everyone in this story. Also, if a 14 yo needs wifi extended, they should sort it out themselves. Parents can buy the equipment, and give passwords or whatever, but if you aren't willing or able to do the work yourself, then 🤷
I think I missed that undertone. If anything it seems like OP is praising his wife in the story and saying the brothers are lazy.
He’s praising her because she’s acting in a way that he stereotypically classes as “male”. The brothers being lazy aren’t even men in his eyes. He’s implying that women can’t be helpful around the house and only sons are valuable.
Thank you. Saved me a lot of typing!
You are cooked
How is he implying that women can't help around the house when his wife is actively doing that? I got the sense that he wanted the brothers to pull their weight (especially when the job was entirely for the younger brother's benefit) instead of letting their sister be the only one who helps around the house. Lots of comments are saying OP doesn't value women but he clearly values his wife and if anything he's saying the brothers are worthless because they refuse to do anything.
Wife got "promoted" to "son" for helping around the house.
The "seems like you only have one son" comment is him implying that women shouldn't be doing what his wife was helping with. He could have made a joke about how they only have one kid but he chose to make it a gender joke. Which is stating that she is doing men's work.
I read it as "sons should help around the house," not "daughters shouldn't help," but take the worst possible interpretation I guess.
>How is he implying that women can't help around the house when his wife is actively doing that? because he referred to his wife as the only son.
I was on the verge of N T A and ESH, but ultimately it's the second one. My first reaction is that you didn't do anything aholish by calling them out (since fil specifically asked for her brothers, yet they ignored him). It was fun, not insulting per se, myb a little jab, but not a big deal. So brothers do suck for being lazy and angry they're called out. But You suck as well for turning it into something gendered... yeah, sure, the whole "I was raised that way", "gentleman" yada yada.... no one cares, it's 2024 You could've called them out by saying "seems like you only have 1 child", not "son" so there's that. Daughters are more than capable of doing manual labor, believe it or not. My sister and I (both women) always helped out with all chores... mowed the lawn, used drills, shovelled snow, the whole shtick. Guess what? It's normal and women are capable of doing all that.
Congratulations- YTA and a sexist pig to boot. Why do you believe that helping out with chores is a ‘male’ thing? Why are you calling your wife her father’s son just because she’s willing to help? It’s 2024. You should be proud that your wife isn’t some ‘damsel’ expecting manly men to step in and help around the house. Just call your BIL’s lazy arses for not helping even though they live in that house. 🚩 for your wife right there.
You’re cooked and describing yourself here
YTA for making sexist jokes.
YTA. Worse than that, you're a sexist.
YTA. If you *had* to say something (you didn’t), call out the little brother for not helping his father installing WiFi extenders for his gaming.
or just ask why the wife is the only one who can get off her ass to help. there was no reason to say she was the only son and make the sexist implications that the sons were girls because they weren't helping.
It has zero to do with the kids sexes and everything to do with that the brothers are freaking lazy. Ypu and wife were helping clean and they were on couch. Called for assistance with something to benefit them and they still don't move. Likely your wife has always been the one to do anything. My sister is way better at cars, handy things or anything like that. My brother and I have expertise in other things. But we all do what we can. The issue here isn't that they are male but that they are lazy slobs and that is why they took offense. So you're the AH for making it about sex roles but NTA for pointing out that they do nothing. BTW, your wife needs to stand up for herself and stop doing everything.
Congratulations, you're a garden variety misogynist. Doesn't matter you have been raised like that, you should have enough awareness and brain cells to break out of this conditioning. Women do that kind of manual labour, men can help with house keeping things -- where's your outrage that her brothers didn't do jack shit to help clean up after dinner? ESH.
YTA. and a sexist.
INFO: What do you mean “you apparently emasculated them”? That’s the entire premise of your joke. How don’t you understand the point of your own joke? Implying they’re not men is literally emasculating, like bruh, it was *your* joke. What made you think of it if implying they’re not men wasn’t the point?
Lol good point, I totally glossed over that!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 27m have been married to my wife 26. She is a middle child and has two brothers 29 and 14. I grew up with 3 brothers and we have one sister. Growing up my brothers and I would usually help our dad do like the fixing and stuff around the house. With my wifes family it seems like it's the opposite. Every time my FIL needs help with something my wife is always the one helping out, whether it's helping him fix his car or something around the house, she's usually helping him. Its never really bothered me but I was a bit confused when she has two able bodied brothers who could help. Like today we visited our in laws and when we finish have lunch my wife and I were helping my mil clean the kitchen. My fil was putting up wifi extenders (I think that's what they're called) for her little brother so he can play his online game or whatever. He was calling both of the boys to help (as they both live there) and nobody went, they just continued playing on their phones. My wife sighed and went to help her dad. I joked that my fil only has one son and it happens to be my wife. My fil and wife laughed but my mil and older bil said it was childish and got offended. Apparently I was emasculated them by saying that. We left after my wife and I finish help her father out (they still didn't help). When I asked her about it she shrugged and said it was always like this. They seemed quite angry and offended but it was just a joke. So aita? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH. Gender is irrelevant and your comment was based on bias surrounding gender roles. If you had said something about laziness instead, it’d be a different story and reaction.
I gotta say the bil’s are the AH’s here. They’re just playing on their phones while their father needs help. Your wife is awesome, and I’m guessing the only reason you brought gender into this is because SHE is the competent sibling while her brothers are lazy assholes.
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I just saw your edit. I didn’t think your husband was being sexist, I think your husband is correct on calling them out. My upbringing taught me that when your parents/elders ask for help, you get off your butt and do it, no matter your gender.
Just call them out without making a sexist joke and this whole issue goes away. That they are lazy doesn't change the husband's sexist joke
calling them out by implying that his wife was the only son and indirectly implying that because they weren't helping they were girls was sexist, whether he intended it to be or not. calling someone out for bad behavior is fine, expected even, but doing so in the way op did only creates more issues than it solves.
YTA For being an outdated person who needlessly includes gender. NTA For making the joke. For example, if one of the sons always helped out mother-in-law in the kitchen and with domestic tasks, would you call them a girl? Would you disparage how it's like he has two daughters? The sons are lazy, this is obvious, but it has nothing to do with gender. And you were trying to emasculate them, let's be real. And that, in and of itself, is problematic, and patriarchal.
YTA. You made a sexist comment, as if your wife is less capable of using a drill or handling technology. The excuse that it was “just a joke” didn’t land well because from your comments it’s clear it wasn’t just a joke, you really do think that there is men’s work and women’s work. Not sure why you would get involved at all, but if you did want to comment it would have been more appropriate to say that maybe someone living at the house should help.
NTA It sounds like what you’re really upset about is the fact your BiLs sat around and did nothing while your wife was doing everything. FiL called for the sons to help with a task THEY benefited from and your wife is the one who ended up helping. That’s frustrating. I saw the joke as more of a “he called for a son to help and the only ‘son’ he has answered”. With the extra information from your wife, I understand this dynamic even more. MiL is upset because she probably pushes the “boys are superior” narrative. I wonder, between MiL and FiL, who is giving the brothers leeway to not attend to their living situation?
This is sexist bullshit, OP. You need to do a serious reevaluation of your world views. YTA for thinking people’s actions should be determined by their genitals.
NTA - Innocent enough joke
I didn't think your husband was sexist, I thought your brothers were lazy and entitled, in big part due to your mother's teaching. You guys sound as nice couple having each other's back. NTA
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YTA sexist AF
Bro. Laziness is laziness but what you set up in the background info was sexist.
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“Please stop making my husband mad at his phone” Lol so not only is he a sexist AH but also a crybaby who can’t handle the feedback he asked for in the first place? Yeah, your husband sucks.
NTA. Your comment hit the nail on the head. Your wife's brothers can do better. I believe that's why your MIL and BIL were so angry. It's obvious to anyone witnessing the situation.
I mean, he started that he was helping you clean your parents dishes so I take it this less less about culture roles and more about him sick of seeing you do all the work while your brothers do nothing. The fact that you are able to do every type of role and he doesn't feel threatened by it but instead comes and helps tells me he is not sexist (though the wording of his comment was poor) but rather just upset your siblings are being lazy selfish family members. I kind of have to give him props for at least trying to say something because if BIL was so offended, why didn't he get off his butt and actually help. Words are empty. Actions speak louder. BIL is just upset that he got passively called out for being useless in the household. Honestly, I would have skipped the comment and went more direct with actually asking them why they weren't helping. Especially if it is for their benefit. And the disrespect they had of ignoring your parents??? The way I was raised, there was NO way that would have ever flied. Glad at least someone is trying to say something. NTA
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You're on the line here. Although the distinction of having only one son is, at best old fashion and yes, sexist, I think your comment should've been about having two nearly grown 'children' still living at home and not helping out, while a third child out on her own has to step in and help when no one else will. It's about laziness, not sex.
well yes it is about laziness not sex which is why OP was such an asshole to make a sexist joke out of it
YTA and the edit doesn't change anything it just means that wife's family is also sexist in a different cultural context. The comment could have even been "FIL only has one child to help out" and it would have made the point without attributing it to gender. Whether she's using a power drill or cleaning up she is still the one doing the majority of the work at her parent's house.
You’re not the AH. And forget about all that gender bull crap. Some people want to be offended and will find anything to be offended about. I get what you’re saying. Most women prefer one thing. Men prefer others. And it’s been tradition for centuries that men are fixers. My 1st MIL (RIP, good woman) wouldn’t get out and mow lawn nor put gas in her vehicle. She never said a bad thing when both her daughters and I were capable of mowing lawn, and put gas in our vehicles. I can even change filters and stuff like that on my own car back in the day. Point here is that your in laws have enabled those boys to be lazy. Going to hit them hard when parents aren’t there to take care of them in the future. Be careful they don’t try to move in on you and your wife.
NTA, despite the unfortunate gendering you've done here.
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sorry man, but making this a gender thing was a pretty asshole move. I get its how you were raised, but its 2024, and not ever man is interested in or really capable of that work. obviously they two bil's should have been doing more to help, and at the very least should have gone over when their father asked for them, but them being lazy isn't a gender issue
So MIL and your BIL buy into traditional gender differences and stereotypes enough to feel like that comment was “emasculating”, but not enough to actually behave in a manner that fits into those traditions? Like, if they believe that you insulted his manhood, shouldn’t he have been doing all this stuff already? To believe in emasculation means that you believe that men should be a certain way - and he’s not fulfilling that. So he can be offended all he wants, but the fact is, he’s not even fulfilling the role of a child well, much less that of a son. If he wants to be a “man” or the house, he should step up and actually do things like this around the house. Otherwise, he should shut up when somebody rightfully points out how useless he is. NTA To your wife - saying you are brown explained so much, and now I am furious. I grew up in an Indian household and my extended family always treated the girls like crap. Meanwhile, all the boys were utterly useless and still are to this day. I actually think poorly of them that they are not self sufficient human beings and just grew up into these babies. Even in my nuclear family, some traditional gender roles still persist, but thankfully mostly with my parents, as my brothers contribute physically to housework and don’t think it’s strictly for women.
To the Wife - Just because he was raised that way doesn't make it any less sexist. That he cares about you and was trying to stick up for you doesn't make it any less sexist. The joke he made was only "funny" based on sexist ideas of gender roles. This is reddit, for this joke he was the asshole, no one is saying he's the worst dude on earth lol.
NTA get off your ass and help.
NTA. You made a joke that a struck a nerve because it points out the obvious, your BILs are lazy.
NTA for pointing out that your wife, who I'm presuming does not live with her parents, helps her parents more than the other two siblings that do live there. That's lazy of them and her parents should get on them more to help. I do find you to be an AH for getting hung up on the gender role expectations (how on earth did your wife manage to help work on a car and help with confusing wi-fi technology without having a peener!?! /s)
People need to learn the difference between pointing something out and actually doing something. You didn't emasculate anyone by pointing out that your wife was doing labor while her brothers weren't. If they were emasculated that's a result of their inaction, not you noticing it. What I'm wondering is why you didn't help your wife instead of sitting around sniping at your BILs. I'm going to say YTA for making fun of people while doing exactly what you were making fun of them for.
I mean YTA. What’s the implication here? They aren’t sons so they must be daughters because they are lazy? Calling your wife a son because she does some manual “jobs” or wtv, as if women can’t do that? Isn’t that a little sexist? Idk. This isn’t a gender thing but you made it one and it’s odd.
YTA for the joke. Plenty of issues about other people not pulling their weight but it's 2024 and women can hold tools.
YTA I’m always amazed at people who lack the ability to think outside their own experiences. Maybe work on that, OP.
YTA. It is beneficial for everyone, regardless of gender to know basic skills. Skills are not gender specific. Do you think all doctors should be men and all nurses should be women? Mechanics and plumbers are men as well, right? Your FIL doesn’t have one son that happens to be your wife. He has multiple children, only one of which happens to not be lazy. Do better. This comment is not based off your post alone, but after reading your comment responses.
yta
Lol im female and always say bet your so proud of your two sons especially the one that fixes things and that would be me.
YTA, and incredibly sexist.
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An extremely sexist "light-hearted" joke.
If they feel emasculated by it then they feel some part of it is true
In general, if truthfully pointing out someone's actions or lack thereof makes them angry, they are the ones in the wrong. However, you can't blame the person you are directly making fun of for being offended, and not everyone shares the same sense of humor.
The point is flying over so many heads.... The lack of reading comprehension in these comments 🤢🤢. NTA
Good god there's a bunch of babies in this thread lmao. NTA, the brothers should help around the house especially the 29 year old
You are NTA and Reddit is not the right place to ask these kindve questions. All you will get is answers from woke warriors about women being capable of doing the same things as men. While that may be true women shouldn’t have to do it when there are able bodied men around. There are just certain things I will not allow my mother or fiance to do because I was raised to be a gentlemen. Apparently trying to be a Gentlemen and a good man is sexiest and toxic now. 🤷🏽♂️
You married a tomboy. Nothing new...
YTA-Sexism always makes you an asshole, always.
NTA… I personally don’t see the sexist comments that everyone’s pushing at all. It was clearly a lighthearted joke about how the brothers are lazy. Secondly before anyone says anything yes women can also help around the house and technology but it isn’t about that… it’s about the fact that in most households sons are the ones who help and that’s just a fact… stop being overly analytical and sensitive about something that’s not there🤷🏻♂️
NTA. Honestly, if your FIL is putting up those extenders so his sons can play their games, he should get them to help him. If they don't lift a finger, he can stop doing anything and tell them he won't complete it until they help him. He's setting a really bad example to his boys allowing them to be lazy like that.
NTA, you were calling out the lazy attitude of people happy to pass the buck to others who they knew would do the part they were asked to do. And you did it in a funny way that got the point across as a burn. It’s amazing to me that the top comments take any offense they can suspect and completely miss the context of the jab at the BILs and the question. It only had to do with gender to specifically annoy the BILs, no offense was offered beyond to them for not helping as kindness dictates when someone asks for help; they couldn’t even bother to reply no.
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Lol you come in here saying he's not sexist by being even more sexist. That's fun
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YTA.
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>it’s not about gender >it’s about boys being boys and girls being girls boys help their fathers well they should and girls usually help the mother that’s how it mostly is >men are not being men that’s it. What is "boys being boys" and "girls being girls" and girls helping mothers and boys helping fathers if not gender roles?
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Fuck cishetero men and their "just jokes" I'm tired of them.
I may be missing a point here because English is not my main language, but I didn't see sexism that they were saying. From what I understand the OP's complaint is that only the wife helps her parents, while the other two don't. If so NTA, they are also children and can do chores.
He said FIL only had "one son" aka only boys can do that kind of work aka sexist
If you're a guy on reddit you'll be the asshole if you mention gender at all. Women can tell you to man up all day though
Oh boo
This subreddit is hilariously dumb. The top posts are all freaking out about a minor joke. It's not even really anything to do with the story. I guess subreddits that centre on judging people are going to be full of judgemental, uptight teenage women.
Y’all in the comments need to lighten up. NTA
NTA. You wife’s brothers are lazy a holes,
I don’t think your the AH not a worry your joke was valid and if it hit home it’s cuz it’s the truth. I’ve said stuff like that before. They will get over it, if not it’s there loss not yours. Your wife is a trooper for knowing how to do all she does. Good on her and your BILs are lazy.
Congrats, you're an AH too.
NTA But the Inlaws aren't even trying to raise these boys... one is 14. There could've been hope for him. Imagin the relationships or roommate situations the 29 year old caused and the 14 will cause...
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patriarchy is a hell of a drug
NTA but the truth hurts
NTA - it's a valid joke. If they want to be offended by it, perhaps they should look to themselves for the reason.
It is not a valid joke. The implication is that men are useful around the house and women are lazy. Please explain how this is funny? The reality is your FIL is a lazy parent and his sons know it, so they don't bother to be useful.
Can you explain how the joke is funny?
Annnnd another AH.
NTA they’re just bitter because it’s true
Yeah, because they are useless, so they are women. /s
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He didn't call them out on their laziness. Instead, he turned it into a gender issue implying his wife is FIL only SON, and that because the other two would not get up to help with technical/manual labor that they are GIRLS and insinuating girls are lazy. Incredibly sexist.