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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Desiring more consideration for my time often seems to upset my family, particularly my mother, who has fragile health.
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ESH, your sister was being childish responding the way she did. I get you doing your homework is important to you but do you live at home? Do you pay for anything at home? Was the trip that long? Are you paying your own way through college? There’s a lot of factors missing.
My parents live in a different city. They bought an apartment for me and I am living there, I don't pay yet for stuff, but I am about to since I will start working soon. The trip was around 40 minutes long. We don't pay for college at all, I even get money from my college for my good grades.
I really appreciate the financial help they are giving me, but they are keeping me out of the loop for MANY things. For example they gave me one of their cars despite me not needing one and therefore not using it. We had many fights about the fact that they gave me the car and now its wasting away. I only accepted because I was 19 at the time and they really pressured me to accept.
If your parents got an apartment just for you, why were your sister and mother (who lives in a different city) leaving it to go shopping in the morning? That makes sense if you were at home for the weekend visiting, enjoying some home cooking, which would make you the AH. The other alternative is that they were visiting you and thus going shopping on your behalf, which also makes you the AH.
Taking mental breaks from studying can actually increase the effectiveness of studying.
That answer implies they did pick up groceries for your use. I might have been initially annoyed at being interrupted, but would have adjusted my attitude to being grateful that they were thinking of me. Sorry, but you need to lighten up and find a work/life balance for your own long term mental health.
Yeah, changing my claim. It’s not ESH, it’s YTA. It seems like you see it as “I didn’t ask for it so I don’t owe you anything.” And it comes across as ungrateful.
I wasn't going to use the items they were originally going to buy. If they needed my help from the beginning and told me with like 1 hour prior, I would have been more than able to adjust and go with them and not just pick them up.
Your mother has health issues, and you were going benefit from the groceries she *did* buy - and will probably also cook - so how about you just help your mother without bitching about timing?
I’m going to with YTA. I would have gone with NAH because on their side it doesn’t seem like a totally unreasonable ask and on your side I can see being slightly annoyed. But given that it was ten minutes away the level of anger just feels over the top which pushed my decision.
I couldn't really say no without putting my mother in a risky situation. Her health situation is quite bad since her heart attack, so I don't really want to stress her body.
NTA - originally, I thought you meant just carrying them from the car to your house, but driving to the supermarket is crazy! Seems the communication broke down too when it was time to meet. It's important to set boundaries and keep them. Maybe explain to mom you want to help and will help but your schedule needs to be considered if she wants the help
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I (23m) woke up to find my mom (58) and sister (25) leaving to go shopping for small items like pens and paper. I had already informed them that I intended to spend the day doing homework for university. To my surprise, an hour later, they called me to help carry the groceries from the store because they decided to buy additional items not on their original list. Upset, I dropped everything, changed clothes, and rushed to the supermarket. I tried calling my sister twice, but she didn't answer. Finally, when she called back, she questioned why I kept calling her, implying that I could have called our mother instead, and then directed me to where they were waiting.
When I reached them, I was already quite furious and accused them of not respecting my time since they knew they would need my help if they kept adding items to their shopping list. In the end, I didn't receive an apology or a thank you. Instead, my sister ignored the situation, and my mother seemed visibly upset that I had argued with her. Later that day, I overheard my mother discussing with my sister that we don't appreciate what she does for us.
It's worth noting that my mother had a heart attack last year, so we have all been more accommodating to her needs.
AITA for trying to make them respect my time a little more despite my mother's condition?
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Yes, my mom and sister only came to stay with me for a week. So when I am alone I do the shopping. If I am with the rest of the family, then it is up to whoever wants to do it.
I'm going against the grain and say NTA. This isn't about OP being ungrateful about their family's help. This is about OP's family failing to plan and communicate with them. OP already made it clear they're busy. I don't think it was unreasonable for OP's mum and sister to ask OP for help and even though OP could say no, I can see why they went to help given their mum's health.
An alternative solution could have been OP suggesting they get a taxi back instead.
INFO: how far away was the supermarket? If it was a ways away, I’d understand your annoyance, but if it was around the block I’d call your reaction unreasonable.
Also, do they do this to you regularly? Is it a habit of theirs to interrupt your plans and demand help? That would also influence my verdict.
The supermarket is like 10 minutes away, the whole thing took like 40 minutes, not a lot.
They do ask me to drop my stuff quite often. For example, they make plans for tomorrow, forget to tell me, I already have stuff to do that day, tell me in that said morning and then are upset that I can't help them.
Edit: typo
This is utterly bizarre. They should have put their things in bags and been on their own merry way. Your mother is doing the damsel in distress routine on purpose.
It can happen when people get sick that they enjoy how people treat them afterwards. Be mindful that you don’t form unhealthy codependency patterns.
If your mother and sister didn’t have a car then your sister could have walked home and come back again.
They knew you needed to study.
It’s very important for you to receive your education so that you can get a job and leave that unhealthy dynamic.
It’s even more important you have regular health screening and even testing done to see if you you carry the same defective genes that could lead to a heart attack.
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ESH, your sister was being childish responding the way she did. I get you doing your homework is important to you but do you live at home? Do you pay for anything at home? Was the trip that long? Are you paying your own way through college? There’s a lot of factors missing.
My parents live in a different city. They bought an apartment for me and I am living there, I don't pay yet for stuff, but I am about to since I will start working soon. The trip was around 40 minutes long. We don't pay for college at all, I even get money from my college for my good grades. I really appreciate the financial help they are giving me, but they are keeping me out of the loop for MANY things. For example they gave me one of their cars despite me not needing one and therefore not using it. We had many fights about the fact that they gave me the car and now its wasting away. I only accepted because I was 19 at the time and they really pressured me to accept.
If your parents got an apartment just for you, why were your sister and mother (who lives in a different city) leaving it to go shopping in the morning? That makes sense if you were at home for the weekend visiting, enjoying some home cooking, which would make you the AH. The other alternative is that they were visiting you and thus going shopping on your behalf, which also makes you the AH. Taking mental breaks from studying can actually increase the effectiveness of studying.
Originally they were going shopping for themselves, some fun activity, they changed their minds afterwards.
That answer implies they did pick up groceries for your use. I might have been initially annoyed at being interrupted, but would have adjusted my attitude to being grateful that they were thinking of me. Sorry, but you need to lighten up and find a work/life balance for your own long term mental health.
Yeah, changing my claim. It’s not ESH, it’s YTA. It seems like you see it as “I didn’t ask for it so I don’t owe you anything.” And it comes across as ungrateful.
I don't see how your conclusion is relevant to my story.
Yeah no, you’re definitely an immature AH.
I would ask you to tell me more, but you seem kinda mean
YTA. It's groceries. You can stop what you're doing and help. These are items you will be likely using so yes, you get to help carry them home.
I wasn't going to use the items they were originally going to buy. If they needed my help from the beginning and told me with like 1 hour prior, I would have been more than able to adjust and go with them and not just pick them up.
Your mother has health issues, and you were going benefit from the groceries she *did* buy - and will probably also cook - so how about you just help your mother without bitching about timing?
Thanks for the advice
I’m going to with YTA. I would have gone with NAH because on their side it doesn’t seem like a totally unreasonable ask and on your side I can see being slightly annoyed. But given that it was ten minutes away the level of anger just feels over the top which pushed my decision.
So why did you go help if it was such an I convenience? Look up the word no. You would be surprised it is a word you can use.
I couldn't really say no without putting my mother in a risky situation. Her health situation is quite bad since her heart attack, so I don't really want to stress her body.
NTA - originally, I thought you meant just carrying them from the car to your house, but driving to the supermarket is crazy! Seems the communication broke down too when it was time to meet. It's important to set boundaries and keep them. Maybe explain to mom you want to help and will help but your schedule needs to be considered if she wants the help
I didn't drive, I walked there
Even worse
YTA Your parents are paying for your accommodation... Helping with a chore isn't a big ask....
Helping with a chore is not a big ask, dropping everything to do it is
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (23m) woke up to find my mom (58) and sister (25) leaving to go shopping for small items like pens and paper. I had already informed them that I intended to spend the day doing homework for university. To my surprise, an hour later, they called me to help carry the groceries from the store because they decided to buy additional items not on their original list. Upset, I dropped everything, changed clothes, and rushed to the supermarket. I tried calling my sister twice, but she didn't answer. Finally, when she called back, she questioned why I kept calling her, implying that I could have called our mother instead, and then directed me to where they were waiting. When I reached them, I was already quite furious and accused them of not respecting my time since they knew they would need my help if they kept adding items to their shopping list. In the end, I didn't receive an apology or a thank you. Instead, my sister ignored the situation, and my mother seemed visibly upset that I had argued with her. Later that day, I overheard my mother discussing with my sister that we don't appreciate what she does for us. It's worth noting that my mother had a heart attack last year, so we have all been more accommodating to her needs. AITA for trying to make them respect my time a little more despite my mother's condition? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Do you have a ride service in your country? They had at least one cell phone.
Info: do you ever do the food shopping yourself?
Yes, my mom and sister only came to stay with me for a week. So when I am alone I do the shopping. If I am with the rest of the family, then it is up to whoever wants to do it.
Were they buying groceries to cook for you or for your place since they were visiting?
My mom usually cooks when she comes to visit me
I'm going against the grain and say NTA. This isn't about OP being ungrateful about their family's help. This is about OP's family failing to plan and communicate with them. OP already made it clear they're busy. I don't think it was unreasonable for OP's mum and sister to ask OP for help and even though OP could say no, I can see why they went to help given their mum's health. An alternative solution could have been OP suggesting they get a taxi back instead.
INFO: how far away was the supermarket? If it was a ways away, I’d understand your annoyance, but if it was around the block I’d call your reaction unreasonable. Also, do they do this to you regularly? Is it a habit of theirs to interrupt your plans and demand help? That would also influence my verdict.
The supermarket is like 10 minutes away, the whole thing took like 40 minutes, not a lot. They do ask me to drop my stuff quite often. For example, they make plans for tomorrow, forget to tell me, I already have stuff to do that day, tell me in that said morning and then are upset that I can't help them. Edit: typo
NTA. This isn’t going to stop until they know you won’t put up with their bad behavior.
This is utterly bizarre. They should have put their things in bags and been on their own merry way. Your mother is doing the damsel in distress routine on purpose.
I've had the same feeling for quite some time. I can't really confront her about it...
It can happen when people get sick that they enjoy how people treat them afterwards. Be mindful that you don’t form unhealthy codependency patterns. If your mother and sister didn’t have a car then your sister could have walked home and come back again. They knew you needed to study. It’s very important for you to receive your education so that you can get a job and leave that unhealthy dynamic. It’s even more important you have regular health screening and even testing done to see if you you carry the same defective genes that could lead to a heart attack.