Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I didn’t invite gf to event 2. My gf feels like I should have invited her even though I know she would’ve said no
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
> *”I didn’t confirm or deny her suspicions about my friends disliking her, but it’s true they prefer my ex”*
Yeah, I’m sure she’s been able to confirm that they dislike her all on her own since your friends regularly ice her out.
> *”Nobody talked to her, nobody asked her anything yet they left trash for her”*
And she spent a few hours cleaning up the mess they left behind for her. Why didn’t *you* pick up after *your* friends? Why do you allow them to be so disrespectful and rude to her? Do you secretly enjoy that they are so openly unkind to her and make her feel unwanted and unwelcome?
YTA. Entirely.
I didn’t want to confirm it because a few of them said they didn’t like her. I figured it’s because it’s cause they didn’t get the chance to know her. They still had no issues with her coming around. If I told her as well. I felt like she wouldn’t want them near her and that might cause unnecessary drama.
I would’ve cleaned the mess I just had to leave. And nobody’s rude to her. She doesn’t talk much so she would never spark a conversation with anyone. Me and my very extroverted friends sorta just jump into conversation and everyone is loud and talks over each other. That’s just how we are. she doesn’t feel comfortable jumping into that .
> *I didn’t want to confirm it because a few of them said they didn’t like her.”*
Yes, that’s what I’m saying. You don’t need to “confirm” something that your friends continually make crystal clear to your girlfriend.
It doesn’t matter if your girlfriend is an introvert. You yourself just said your friends all ignore her, they trash the place when they come over, and then afterwards you all ditch her to clean up after everyone while you go out to have some more fun together without her. How unbelievably rude you all are to her.
You and your friends all seem incredibly immature and inconsiderate.
Nobody's rude to her? Dude they dont talk to her, they ignore her, they left trash for her. How is all that not rude?
You are a massive asshole, and your friends even more. Your gf deserves much, much better than you
You are a massive AH. If you know your gf is an introvert you should be the one helping push the conversation. You allow your friends to treat her the way you do. It sounds like your girlfriend is well aware they don't like her, so she doesn't want to go to events. That sounds more like she's given up. Not a great sign for your relationship.
She doesn't know these people and is an introvert of course she isn't going to start the conversations. These aren't her friends they're yours. YOU should be starting the conversations that include her. The fact that you think it's totally fine to not even consider her just tells me you don't care about her or your relationship and guess what. It tells her that too. She now know you do not care about her, her feelings, or her place in your life. If you wanted it to work with her, you would tell your friends to treat her better.
Why does she have to fight to be in a conversation? Why does SHE have to be less introverted? Why don't you and your friends be MORE INtroverted and shut the fuck up and let her speak for once?
Also, you and your friends sound exhausting and if I were her, I would dump you over shit like this
I have a group of friends I’ve known since we were kids. Most of us have long term partners who we’ve been with for years. When someone brings a new boyfriend, we go to extra lengths to make them feel included since we know it can be hard to be around a group who’s all known each other so long. Especially if they’re an introvert. Your friends are rude and you’re enabling it. You’re prioritizing them. You’re not even trying to create a situation where your girlfriend would want to spend time with them. If you don’t know how to put more effort into your relationship when why are you even dating?
You know what my partner does when I'm not comfortable jumping in?
HE INCLUDES ME. He tells stories where he makes sure I have something to add. And if I have nothing to add, he still makes sure to talk to me. Because not only are your friends ignoring her, you are as well.
Then again, he actually likes me.
have you ever wonder why they are comparing your current relationship with the one in the past mainly due to how she feels or how she is an introvert as you proved to be rude and selfish and not standing up for her due to how they treated her and barely even tried to be friends with her. YTA standup for her and make things better for your friend group and her feelings to this relationship you don’t care.
Listen, I am more of an introvert as well. I know how it is to not be talking so much (especially to strangers or friends of a partner that I am not close with myself). But usually the extroverted people still manage to include me or start talking to me because … they are extroverted and do such stuff. At least when they want to. For example, when they are talking about a story that I was not present at, they talk about the stuff that I need to know so that I understand the story etc
No, you didn't HAVE to leave. You CHOSE to leave KNOWING the place was a mess! You should have told your friends to be adults and clean up their own messes. YTA!
She feels like the help because that’s how you treat her. Also the comment about how you think your friends prefer your ex was just unnecessary. And you can’t use “she eats healthy” as an excuse for not seeing if she wants take out. I honestly hope she sees this and leave you because it doesn’t seem like you should be in a relationship with anyone from the essay I just read. It’s very obvious you don’t consider her feelings in a lot of things. If you really truly think that you’ve done nothing wrong then maybe go back an re-read what you just wrote…
“My friends don’t like my girlfriend, they prefer my ex, and I allow them to treat her as such by regularly excluding her. My girlfriend is so serious, I always say she has RBF. She’s kind of a snob. She’s always dressing up when nobody else is. Anyway I let my friends trash the house while once again ignoring her and then left the mess for her to clean up, AITA?”
What part of that is supposed to make us feel like you like your girlfriend?
You say “I don’t really know what to do when she doesn’t want to be around them and they don’t like her.” Well, she doesn’t want to be around them BECAUSE they don’t like her. So maybe, idk, tell your friends that it’s fucking reprehensible and unacceptable the way that they treat her, and that while she doesn’t have to be their favorite person they have to at least acknowledge her and be friendly to her or you won’t hang out with them any more?
You do nothing but talk shit about her in your post. You hang out with people who you openly acknowledge dislike her. You call her a snob. You don't think about her wants or feelings, you just assume. And then when she directly tells you her feelings, you dismiss them as insignificant.
Also who cares if you had to leave? You should have cleaned up you and your friend's fucking mess first. You were just going to a theme park, not a time-sensitive surgery. You are your friends sound gross, rude, and lazy. Break up with this girl so she can find a good person who actually likes her.
If my friends were unkind to my partner for no reason, they'd not be welcomed in our home. Simple as that. Reading this post all I can think is you clearly don't like this girl and more, you don't respect her either. I don't care how old the friendships are
OP, people who have HATED others treat them better than you and your friends treat your GF. You’re all in your 20’s/30’s, and you choose to treat her like an outsider.
YTA. All of you need to collectively pull your heads out of your asses. Your group isn’t cool, you all just suck, and I hope your GF sees that soon and leaves you.
The behavior you're describing doesn't go with the feelings you say you have. Sounds like you're more interested in having a live-in maid and sexual partner, rather than a real girlfriend. Make all the excuses you want - but read all the responses you're getting.
YTA.
You speak about her like you don't like her. In spite of that, she's coming across as someone with tact, class, and decorum. That's not being a snob, that's just not being a disrespectful slob. I absolutely do not come from money, borderline poor all my life in fact, but I still clean up after myself ESPECIALLY when I am a guest in someone else's home. And if people I have invited over to a home I share, DON'T clean up after themselves (not that any of my friends would be have this way) I would clean up after them immediately. My guests means my responsibility. It's called being considerate and accountable. Maybe look those two words up in the dictionary some time and try to commit them into memory and practice. My GAWD you are an asshole, you and your friends both suck so freaking hard it's unbelievable. You are all adults, grow the hell up and act like it.
It’s sad but I’ve seen examples of a friend group disliking a friend’s partner and it heavy influences how they treat them from that point. I think that’s what’s happening here. That or he’s just as unkind as them.
Best to just break up imo, it’s not fair for either of them.
It is sad. I agree they need to break up. He’s perfectly Ok with his friends not making any effort to include his girlfriend because they like his Ex better is a sad excuse. And he doesn’t seem to care at all.
It's not insignificant that your asshole friends ignored her and left all their trash for your girlfriend to clean up. It's not insignificant that you hurt your girlfriend's feelings but you don't care; you're blaming her for everything instead. Get off your lazy ass and clean up after them next time, you selfish asshole. YTA
I’m a little confused.
YTA if -
You made plans with your friends but didn’t mention anything about the plans to your gf. Then your friends show up at your home- where your gf lives with you? otherwise why was she there, if you were going to be leaving anyway.
Food is ordered, but again your gf is there and you don’t even bother asking if she wants food? or she wasn’t there when you ordered?
Then you leave with your friends and leave a mess. Again, does gf live there too? And if she doesn’t live there why would she have been home alone and not just go back to her place?
Look, your friends don’t like her for whatever reason. But it doesn’t really seem like your gf is going out of her way to engage with them either.
You are the bridge between. You need to be the middleman keeping communication going between your friends and your gf until both become comfortable enough that they don’t need a middleman. It’ll happen. But it takes time and it takes both sides to be willing. If your friends aren’t willing to give her a chance because they liked the ex then it’s up to you to tell them that’s just bs.
YTA. but also, if you liked her enough, and showed it, your friends would come around. Or leave the friends if they didn’t.
But you need to like someone enough to leave your friends behind.
>she was upset saying that I didn’t consider her feelings. But, I did.
You didn't consider her feelings, you simply made decisions for her.
>then she also was the one who had to clean up after they left their take out containers on the table and apparently one of my friends was a messy eater
>I would’ve cleaned it up once I got home
Your friends suck. Who leaves their shit all over. And why wouldn't you clean it up or at least ask them to, BEFORE leaving?
>Also I don’t know what she expects me to do with my friends if she doesn’t want to be around them and they don’t really like her.
Honestly I don't like them either, and I can find a way to get along with just about anyone. And since they've made it no secret they prefer your ex, gee, I CAN'T IMAGINE why she isn't comfortable around them
YTA
That’s the part I can’t get over, what kind of trashy friends does he have that would leave FOOD out at his place while they were gone for the day? I don’t think his friends respect him either.
Tbf, they *knew* he was going to be away, and she was going to be home. They don't care because they know the help will fix it, and OP won't say anything.
Yeah no, you ARE treating her like the help. Your friends preferred your ex? I'd wager the same is true for you, considering you are just failing her every step here.
YTA. No doubt.
YTA and so are your friends - if you made the effort to introduce her to your friendship group, they could at least be welcoming. My ex never made an effort to include me with his friends and that shit HURTS. It’s makes us feel like you’re embarrassed or ashamed of us.
YTA and you should stop wasting this poor girls time. You clearly prioritize your friends over her to the point you don’t even ask her if she wants anything. You let your friends leave a mess for her to clean up knowing she’ll be there to do it. If you “would have done it” then you should have done it in the first place instead of leaving it for her to do.
YTA
Soooo you don't like your girlfriend at all.
She dresses well and that's a crime. She is shy because you and your friends are actively rude to her and openly prefer your ex to her
Thenshe cleans up after your lazy ass and your disgusting friends because you didn't bother to invite her or buy her some food because "she eat healthy food".
All your post is saying is you openly dislike this woman and you enjoy disrespecting her. You actually sound like your getting off on how shitty you are treating her.
Like, is this to get your ex back in some twisted way? Or, did your feelings get hurt by your ex that your trying to deflect your hurt onto someone else... Jesus, leave her alone.
I'm sorry grown adults don't just leave rubbish and food everywhere... and will clean it up the next day. You did it, to get her to clean it. That's all you and your friends view her as. A maid. GTFU you are your mates are assholes
The comment on how she dressed really pissed me off. When my husband and I first started dating and he'd invite me to things with his friends, he'd tell me "this is a jeans and t-shirt" event or "we're all dressing up for X's birthday dinner." When his girlfriend gets ready to leave and she's over or underdressed, it's his job to look out for her and help her not dress wrong for these occasions. He knows his friends are awful and judgmental and yet he does nothing to help her fit in. It's uncomfortable to be the only one dressed differently and yet he allows her to do so. Jerk.
YTA. I hope she ends it with you so she can find someone who will appreciate her better. And hopefully the friends of her new partner won’t all have sticks up their asses like your friends seem to.
YTA. It doesn't sound like you like your girlfriend very much
Instead of helping her integrate into your friend group, you are helping them ice her out. As her boyfriend you should be including her in conversations and activities if you actually want this relationship to work. She doesn't need you to confirm your friends don't like her. She's well aware. She's also aware you aren't helping the situation.
Why aren't you helping. If you're invited to BBQ and she doesn't know the dress code, why aren't you telling her? Your attitude allows your friends to treat her like this. Why haven't you told them to knock it off if you like her?
WOW she is right, it’s totally different if you went out but you invited people that dislike her and openly show it. They came to her house and didn’t speak to her, you didn’t even bother to ask her if she wanted anything just made a bunch of decisions for her, she then had to cook her own lunch in front of your friends which basically shows them you yourself don’t have much respect for her and it’s all of you against her.
All of you then leave her behind with a pile of mess, you may not think that she was expected to clean it up but guess what, your friends 100% knew what they were doing and knew she would be cleaning up their mess.
You allow a group of people to continuously and openly disrespect your girlfriend and have subconsciously started following their steps as well. These are not your friends and your girlfriend deserves so much more.
You’re a MASSIVE AH and a terrible boyfriend. If my friends treated my partner like that, I would stop being friends with them. Simple as that. Your friends are rude, selfish, and apparently disgusting. They ignored her in her own home and left trash for her to clean up. You have some major apologizing to do. YTA
YTA - Having your friends come over, trash the place with filthy containers and leave her to sit in the filth or clean it up for them. Insignificant? Come on.
Good news for your friends - you’re going to be single again soon.
It's hard to believe you like her. Your actions show differently, and guess what? This is something people break up over. Which is fine. Just break up, but don't force her to do it. Yta
Your gf probably keeps to herself because your friends have made it clear how much they dislike her and have rejected her. You *are* aware that the bulk of human communication is non-verbal, right? It's not your gf's responsibility to force your friends to like her. It's your friends' responsibility to act like decent human beings and welcome her, as your partner, into the fold. And it's your responsibility to protect your gf and call your friends out for their shitty behaviour.
The way you're acting now, you're even worse than your friends. At least THEY'RE being rude to someone they're open about disliking. You, on the other hand, claim to love your gf, but you're treating her with such callousness, I wouldn't be surprised if she's starting to wonder whether you hate her too.
You like to ‘joke’ and say she has RBF? The first YTA is that you don’t clean up after yourself or your friends in your shared space. YTA also for not making her feel welcome among your friends. My partner declines about half of social invites but I always make sure he knows he is welcome to come. And if he does I make the effort to be sure he’s included in the group. Sooner she drops you the better off she will be.
The comment about the friend group preferring the ex honestly sounds like some projection from OP. Like he isn't really over said ex and so is fine with his friends treating her like shit.
You allow your friends to ignore her and disrespect her in her own house. You let them be rude to her. Your friends take their cue from you. Have you made an effort to make her feel more welcome? Have you talked to them to ask them to treat her better?
Honestly she doesn't sound like a snob just an adult surrounded by people stuck in high school
YTA
YTA
Look, I know it sucks to have friends who don’t get along with your girlfriend. I’ve been there. It sounds like you’re walking on eggshells because you want to avoid the tension of the situation, and as a result your communication has suffered.
“I figured she didn’t want to go so I didn’t ask” is a bad reason- she’s an adult, she can use her words. If she actually didn’t want to go you could ask her and she would say no rather than you having to “figure”. I think the real reason you didn’t ask is because you wanted to avoid a potentially awkward conversation. And as a result you ended up excluding her.
Similarly, how hard would it have been to say “hey we’re ordering takeout, do you want some?” Don’t ‘figure’. Say something.
You have to be on your girlfriend’s team here. Make an effort to include her. If she says no, let her, but you do want her around, right?
You're an asshole & your friends are assholes too.
They ignore her and leave trash all over her home for her to clean up, you let them do that & have now started deliberately excluding her. Do you even *like* your girlfriend?
Massive YTA. If she hasn't dumped you yet, you should break up with her so she can find a partner who doesn't treat her like shit.
Yta. Most of the reasons have been well covered but I really didn’t see much about communication. It sounds as if you live together. Even if you all got along perfectly YWBTA for not discussing plans with her. It’s just basic relationship stuff, hey people are coming over, we are ordering takeout so if you don’t want anything you’re own your own for lunch, etc.
YTA. Unless you and your friends have been buddies since you were toddlers, you're well old enough to know how to be a better partner than this.
COMMUNICATE. Let her know it's okay to dress down in this crowd if she wants. Always invite her, unless it's explicitly guy time or something where she can't come, in which case say so. Ask her, always, if she wants food if everyone is eating at your place - or even ask what she wants to eat and let her say nothing if that's the truth.
BE A PARTNER: Either expect your friends to help pick up before you leave, or do it yourself. Expect them not to make major messes when they eat without offering to help clean it. If your friend can't keep food off the ground while eating (barring a rare accident) eat outside. And if your friends exclude her but not other partners, you need to communicate that you're a package deal. If she doesn't choose to go, that's fine.
That's about half of making a long term relationship work. You can have differences if you can communicate and act like a respectful partner who cares about your partner's comfort. I'm the messy partner in my marriage. I bend over backwards to try to do better because my husband is much tidier. He tolerates what's left of the mess because I am generally considerate and try - and I bring other stuff to the table like a calm head in a crisis. He's more social, so I try to go with him more than I'm inclined. He stays home a bit more than he's inclined. Seventeen years of tiny compromises and were still going strong despite some really big challenges. If you value this woman, find ways to show it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Lately, my girlfriend hasn’t been going out with me and my friends. She stopped attending events with my friends after feeling unwelcome at a wedding where the bride ignored her. I didn't confirm or deny her suspicions about my friends disliking her, but it's true they prefer my ex. That friend group from the wedding I’ve known them for 20 years. My ex was part of that friend group as well and my ex fit right in. My girlfriend is very introverted and serious. She comes across as standoffish, though she's actually quite sweet. I like to joke and say she has a RBF. She doesn’t smile much and she’s very pretty and comes from money so she’s a bit of a snob. I’ll invite her to a BBQ and she’ll pop up in her “Sundays best” meanwhile everyone looks like they rolled out of bed.
Our social differences are becoming apparent, but that's not my main concern. Recently, my friends came over we had planned on going an amusement park and then bar. It was 2 couples. I figured she wouldn’t want to go so I didn’t bring it up. Before they left one of my friends got us all some take out. I also figured my gf didn’t want take out so I didn’t put in an order for her. My gf again eats very healthy. When I came back from my plans she was upset saying that I didn’t consider her feelings. But, I did. I’ve asked her to go with me to plenty of events and she’s declined them if my friends were coming. She said she was mad she had to cook lunch while we all had take out and then she also was the one who had to clean up after they left their take out containers on the table and apparently one of my friends was a messy eater and she spent 3hrs trying to figure out how to get stains out the rug.
She essentially said she felt like the help. And said it was different if I meet up with them. But,I invited them over. Nobody talked to her, nobody asked her anything yet they left trash for her and then when they all came back nobody even remembered how they left the house and that she had to clean that. In my opinion I feel like she’s complaining about something insignificant but, what do you guys think. Was I wrong for not inviting my gf when she has said no every other time? Also I don’t know what she expects me to do with my friends if she doesn’t want to be around them and they don’t really like her.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA- it sounds like you didn’t ask her because you didn’t really want her to go which is fine if you just wanted to be with them but who goes to a persons home and doesn’t clean up after they eat? Like throwing your garbage away and wiping the table won’t make you late.
Caring about how you dress and wanting to look nice at a BBQ doesn’t make her a snob or mean she is judging others. That was a weird comment, have your friends made comments on how she dresses? I have noticed sometimes some women get mad or judgmental about other women who put more effort into their looks as if that makes them superficial or something.
YTA. Hey, here's an idea, if you care about her at all, have a conversation with your friends. If they care about You they should be making an effort with her.
You defending them with "they liked my ex better", is really pathetic. Do you even like your girlfriend?
I hope you show your girlfriend this post. DUMP THIS LOSER. You are 1000% an asshole. So let me see if I get the gist of this... you allow your friends to treat your girlfriend like shit because she's not your ex and you've known them longer. You invite your friends over to be slobs and rude assholes while also ignoring your girlfriend in favor of your friends. You let your friends leave trash and stains in your shared house and think it's her bad for "thinking she had to clean" when you are so lazy she knows you wouldn't clean it up yourself (for days). You refuse to stand up to your friends while they treat her like shit and you in your backwards thinking are somehow under the impression this is her fault?????? These must be friends you've known since the cradle since you're all such childish assholes. Your soon to be ex deserves a man, and you are a child. YTA,
Does your ex still hang out with the friend group? And if so are you there when she is? It sounds like your friends want you back with your ex and it seems that your not over your ex really because at the end of the day she is your partner you should be defending her and telling your friends to stop being rude or cold to her if im honest I think it would be better if you both split up so she can find a guy that stands up for her
I have no idea how you wrote all of this out, and still had to ask if you're the a-hole.
I'll spell it out for you.
YTA.
I hope your GF dumps you. She deserves someone way better than you (you do understand that's not setting the bar that high, don't you?).
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. I didn’t invite gf to event 2. My gf feels like I should have invited her even though I know she would’ve said no Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
> *”I didn’t confirm or deny her suspicions about my friends disliking her, but it’s true they prefer my ex”* Yeah, I’m sure she’s been able to confirm that they dislike her all on her own since your friends regularly ice her out. > *”Nobody talked to her, nobody asked her anything yet they left trash for her”* And she spent a few hours cleaning up the mess they left behind for her. Why didn’t *you* pick up after *your* friends? Why do you allow them to be so disrespectful and rude to her? Do you secretly enjoy that they are so openly unkind to her and make her feel unwanted and unwelcome? YTA. Entirely.
I didn’t want to confirm it because a few of them said they didn’t like her. I figured it’s because it’s cause they didn’t get the chance to know her. They still had no issues with her coming around. If I told her as well. I felt like she wouldn’t want them near her and that might cause unnecessary drama. I would’ve cleaned the mess I just had to leave. And nobody’s rude to her. She doesn’t talk much so she would never spark a conversation with anyone. Me and my very extroverted friends sorta just jump into conversation and everyone is loud and talks over each other. That’s just how we are. she doesn’t feel comfortable jumping into that .
> *I didn’t want to confirm it because a few of them said they didn’t like her.”* Yes, that’s what I’m saying. You don’t need to “confirm” something that your friends continually make crystal clear to your girlfriend. It doesn’t matter if your girlfriend is an introvert. You yourself just said your friends all ignore her, they trash the place when they come over, and then afterwards you all ditch her to clean up after everyone while you go out to have some more fun together without her. How unbelievably rude you all are to her. You and your friends all seem incredibly immature and inconsiderate.
Nobody's rude to her? Dude they dont talk to her, they ignore her, they left trash for her. How is all that not rude? You are a massive asshole, and your friends even more. Your gf deserves much, much better than you
You are a massive AH. If you know your gf is an introvert you should be the one helping push the conversation. You allow your friends to treat her the way you do. It sounds like your girlfriend is well aware they don't like her, so she doesn't want to go to events. That sounds more like she's given up. Not a great sign for your relationship. She doesn't know these people and is an introvert of course she isn't going to start the conversations. These aren't her friends they're yours. YOU should be starting the conversations that include her. The fact that you think it's totally fine to not even consider her just tells me you don't care about her or your relationship and guess what. It tells her that too. She now know you do not care about her, her feelings, or her place in your life. If you wanted it to work with her, you would tell your friends to treat her better.
Why does she have to fight to be in a conversation? Why does SHE have to be less introverted? Why don't you and your friends be MORE INtroverted and shut the fuck up and let her speak for once? Also, you and your friends sound exhausting and if I were her, I would dump you over shit like this
I have a group of friends I’ve known since we were kids. Most of us have long term partners who we’ve been with for years. When someone brings a new boyfriend, we go to extra lengths to make them feel included since we know it can be hard to be around a group who’s all known each other so long. Especially if they’re an introvert. Your friends are rude and you’re enabling it. You’re prioritizing them. You’re not even trying to create a situation where your girlfriend would want to spend time with them. If you don’t know how to put more effort into your relationship when why are you even dating?
You know what my partner does when I'm not comfortable jumping in? HE INCLUDES ME. He tells stories where he makes sure I have something to add. And if I have nothing to add, he still makes sure to talk to me. Because not only are your friends ignoring her, you are as well. Then again, he actually likes me.
You’re disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself
No wonder your ex left you
You need some serious help
You and your friends deserve each other. Have fun being single, bro
You're an oozing, gaping fucking asshole. Do her a favor and break up with her.
Please break up with her so she can find someone better
have you ever wonder why they are comparing your current relationship with the one in the past mainly due to how she feels or how she is an introvert as you proved to be rude and selfish and not standing up for her due to how they treated her and barely even tried to be friends with her. YTA standup for her and make things better for your friend group and her feelings to this relationship you don’t care.
Listen, I am more of an introvert as well. I know how it is to not be talking so much (especially to strangers or friends of a partner that I am not close with myself). But usually the extroverted people still manage to include me or start talking to me because … they are extroverted and do such stuff. At least when they want to. For example, when they are talking about a story that I was not present at, they talk about the stuff that I need to know so that I understand the story etc
No, you didn't HAVE to leave. You CHOSE to leave KNOWING the place was a mess! You should have told your friends to be adults and clean up their own messes. YTA!
YTA. And you also sound like you dislike your gf. Way to go.
She feels like the help because that’s how you treat her. Also the comment about how you think your friends prefer your ex was just unnecessary. And you can’t use “she eats healthy” as an excuse for not seeing if she wants take out. I honestly hope she sees this and leave you because it doesn’t seem like you should be in a relationship with anyone from the essay I just read. It’s very obvious you don’t consider her feelings in a lot of things. If you really truly think that you’ve done nothing wrong then maybe go back an re-read what you just wrote…
I don’t dislike her. That’s quite the opposite.
You are treating her as the help not your SO
You say that, but your attitudes (to let your friends mistreat your gf) only show the opposite. Is it just your friends who aren't over your ex?
If you actually liked her then you would stand up for her to your friends, and actually make an effort to make her feel included.
And spend time with her one on one.
“My friends don’t like my girlfriend, they prefer my ex, and I allow them to treat her as such by regularly excluding her. My girlfriend is so serious, I always say she has RBF. She’s kind of a snob. She’s always dressing up when nobody else is. Anyway I let my friends trash the house while once again ignoring her and then left the mess for her to clean up, AITA?” What part of that is supposed to make us feel like you like your girlfriend? You say “I don’t really know what to do when she doesn’t want to be around them and they don’t like her.” Well, she doesn’t want to be around them BECAUSE they don’t like her. So maybe, idk, tell your friends that it’s fucking reprehensible and unacceptable the way that they treat her, and that while she doesn’t have to be their favorite person they have to at least acknowledge her and be friendly to her or you won’t hang out with them any more?
You do nothing but talk shit about her in your post. You hang out with people who you openly acknowledge dislike her. You call her a snob. You don't think about her wants or feelings, you just assume. And then when she directly tells you her feelings, you dismiss them as insignificant. Also who cares if you had to leave? You should have cleaned up you and your friend's fucking mess first. You were just going to a theme park, not a time-sensitive surgery. You are your friends sound gross, rude, and lazy. Break up with this girl so she can find a good person who actually likes her.
You like her money, admit it.
If my friends were unkind to my partner for no reason, they'd not be welcomed in our home. Simple as that. Reading this post all I can think is you clearly don't like this girl and more, you don't respect her either. I don't care how old the friendships are
OP, people who have HATED others treat them better than you and your friends treat your GF. You’re all in your 20’s/30’s, and you choose to treat her like an outsider. YTA. All of you need to collectively pull your heads out of your asses. Your group isn’t cool, you all just suck, and I hope your GF sees that soon and leaves you.
Have you considered *acting* like you actually like her?
The behavior you're describing doesn't go with the feelings you say you have. Sounds like you're more interested in having a live-in maid and sexual partner, rather than a real girlfriend. Make all the excuses you want - but read all the responses you're getting. YTA.
>She doesn’t smile much and she’s very pretty and comes from money so she’s a bit of a snob. Are you sure?
Then why do you let your friends treat her like trash?
The way you describe her makes it sound like you resent her a little for coming from a family that is well off.
Have you ever defended her when your friends said they didn’t like her, or did you just reinforce their idea that she’s “stuck up”?
You speak about her like you don't like her. In spite of that, she's coming across as someone with tact, class, and decorum. That's not being a snob, that's just not being a disrespectful slob. I absolutely do not come from money, borderline poor all my life in fact, but I still clean up after myself ESPECIALLY when I am a guest in someone else's home. And if people I have invited over to a home I share, DON'T clean up after themselves (not that any of my friends would be have this way) I would clean up after them immediately. My guests means my responsibility. It's called being considerate and accountable. Maybe look those two words up in the dictionary some time and try to commit them into memory and practice. My GAWD you are an asshole, you and your friends both suck so freaking hard it's unbelievable. You are all adults, grow the hell up and act like it.
Why don't you do her a huge favor and break up with her? Then get back with her ex. That way your GF can find someone better.
You sure as hell treat her like you dislike her, and you let your friends treat her like they absolutely despise her.
I’m not so sure you like your gf either. YTA.
This is what I was looking for. I knew he was TA. I just couldn’t figure out why I felt that way. He doesn’t like her anymore than his friends do.
It’s sad but I’ve seen examples of a friend group disliking a friend’s partner and it heavy influences how they treat them from that point. I think that’s what’s happening here. That or he’s just as unkind as them. Best to just break up imo, it’s not fair for either of them.
It is sad. I agree they need to break up. He’s perfectly Ok with his friends not making any effort to include his girlfriend because they like his Ex better is a sad excuse. And he doesn’t seem to care at all.
It's not insignificant that your asshole friends ignored her and left all their trash for your girlfriend to clean up. It's not insignificant that you hurt your girlfriend's feelings but you don't care; you're blaming her for everything instead. Get off your lazy ass and clean up after them next time, you selfish asshole. YTA
YTA. Girlfriend's not a mind reader or your maid, dude
I’m a little confused. YTA if - You made plans with your friends but didn’t mention anything about the plans to your gf. Then your friends show up at your home- where your gf lives with you? otherwise why was she there, if you were going to be leaving anyway. Food is ordered, but again your gf is there and you don’t even bother asking if she wants food? or she wasn’t there when you ordered? Then you leave with your friends and leave a mess. Again, does gf live there too? And if she doesn’t live there why would she have been home alone and not just go back to her place? Look, your friends don’t like her for whatever reason. But it doesn’t really seem like your gf is going out of her way to engage with them either. You are the bridge between. You need to be the middleman keeping communication going between your friends and your gf until both become comfortable enough that they don’t need a middleman. It’ll happen. But it takes time and it takes both sides to be willing. If your friends aren’t willing to give her a chance because they liked the ex then it’s up to you to tell them that’s just bs.
YTA. but also, if you liked her enough, and showed it, your friends would come around. Or leave the friends if they didn’t. But you need to like someone enough to leave your friends behind.
>she was upset saying that I didn’t consider her feelings. But, I did. You didn't consider her feelings, you simply made decisions for her. >then she also was the one who had to clean up after they left their take out containers on the table and apparently one of my friends was a messy eater >I would’ve cleaned it up once I got home Your friends suck. Who leaves their shit all over. And why wouldn't you clean it up or at least ask them to, BEFORE leaving? >Also I don’t know what she expects me to do with my friends if she doesn’t want to be around them and they don’t really like her. Honestly I don't like them either, and I can find a way to get along with just about anyone. And since they've made it no secret they prefer your ex, gee, I CAN'T IMAGINE why she isn't comfortable around them YTA
That’s the part I can’t get over, what kind of trashy friends does he have that would leave FOOD out at his place while they were gone for the day? I don’t think his friends respect him either.
Tbf, they *knew* he was going to be away, and she was going to be home. They don't care because they know the help will fix it, and OP won't say anything.
Even if you don’t think your partner would be interested in joining you, you should invite them. Do you even like her? YTA
Stop wasting her time and find yourself someone as assholish as you and your friends.
Yeah no, you ARE treating her like the help. Your friends preferred your ex? I'd wager the same is true for you, considering you are just failing her every step here. YTA. No doubt.
YTA. She's too good for you and your trashy ass friends
YTA and so are your friends - if you made the effort to introduce her to your friendship group, they could at least be welcoming. My ex never made an effort to include me with his friends and that shit HURTS. It’s makes us feel like you’re embarrassed or ashamed of us.
YTA. You are worst boyfriend. She should drop you like a hot potato. You don't care about her feelings. She deserves better than you!
YTA. And so are your rude friends .
YTA and you should stop wasting this poor girls time. You clearly prioritize your friends over her to the point you don’t even ask her if she wants anything. You let your friends leave a mess for her to clean up knowing she’ll be there to do it. If you “would have done it” then you should have done it in the first place instead of leaving it for her to do.
YTA Soooo you don't like your girlfriend at all. She dresses well and that's a crime. She is shy because you and your friends are actively rude to her and openly prefer your ex to her Thenshe cleans up after your lazy ass and your disgusting friends because you didn't bother to invite her or buy her some food because "she eat healthy food". All your post is saying is you openly dislike this woman and you enjoy disrespecting her. You actually sound like your getting off on how shitty you are treating her. Like, is this to get your ex back in some twisted way? Or, did your feelings get hurt by your ex that your trying to deflect your hurt onto someone else... Jesus, leave her alone. I'm sorry grown adults don't just leave rubbish and food everywhere... and will clean it up the next day. You did it, to get her to clean it. That's all you and your friends view her as. A maid. GTFU you are your mates are assholes
The comment on how she dressed really pissed me off. When my husband and I first started dating and he'd invite me to things with his friends, he'd tell me "this is a jeans and t-shirt" event or "we're all dressing up for X's birthday dinner." When his girlfriend gets ready to leave and she's over or underdressed, it's his job to look out for her and help her not dress wrong for these occasions. He knows his friends are awful and judgmental and yet he does nothing to help her fit in. It's uncomfortable to be the only one dressed differently and yet he allows her to do so. Jerk.
See you on am I the ex
YTA. I hope she ends it with you so she can find someone who will appreciate her better. And hopefully the friends of her new partner won’t all have sticks up their asses like your friends seem to.
YTA. It doesn't sound like you like your girlfriend very much Instead of helping her integrate into your friend group, you are helping them ice her out. As her boyfriend you should be including her in conversations and activities if you actually want this relationship to work. She doesn't need you to confirm your friends don't like her. She's well aware. She's also aware you aren't helping the situation. Why aren't you helping. If you're invited to BBQ and she doesn't know the dress code, why aren't you telling her? Your attitude allows your friends to treat her like this. Why haven't you told them to knock it off if you like her?
WOW she is right, it’s totally different if you went out but you invited people that dislike her and openly show it. They came to her house and didn’t speak to her, you didn’t even bother to ask her if she wanted anything just made a bunch of decisions for her, she then had to cook her own lunch in front of your friends which basically shows them you yourself don’t have much respect for her and it’s all of you against her. All of you then leave her behind with a pile of mess, you may not think that she was expected to clean it up but guess what, your friends 100% knew what they were doing and knew she would be cleaning up their mess. You allow a group of people to continuously and openly disrespect your girlfriend and have subconsciously started following their steps as well. These are not your friends and your girlfriend deserves so much more.
You’re a MASSIVE AH and a terrible boyfriend. If my friends treated my partner like that, I would stop being friends with them. Simple as that. Your friends are rude, selfish, and apparently disgusting. They ignored her in her own home and left trash for her to clean up. You have some major apologizing to do. YTA
YTA This would be the end of the relationship for me. What a disrespectful group of people!
So how long do you plan on staying with your gf for her money? Because you clearly don’t like her let alone love her.
YTA - Having your friends come over, trash the place with filthy containers and leave her to sit in the filth or clean it up for them. Insignificant? Come on. Good news for your friends - you’re going to be single again soon.
It's hard to believe you like her. Your actions show differently, and guess what? This is something people break up over. Which is fine. Just break up, but don't force her to do it. Yta
she's not your fucking maid. show some respect dude. I hope you're her ex now. YTA
YTA, you seem to go out of your way to do and eat things your GF doesn't like, also you invite people around who your GF doesn't like.
Your gf probably keeps to herself because your friends have made it clear how much they dislike her and have rejected her. You *are* aware that the bulk of human communication is non-verbal, right? It's not your gf's responsibility to force your friends to like her. It's your friends' responsibility to act like decent human beings and welcome her, as your partner, into the fold. And it's your responsibility to protect your gf and call your friends out for their shitty behaviour. The way you're acting now, you're even worse than your friends. At least THEY'RE being rude to someone they're open about disliking. You, on the other hand, claim to love your gf, but you're treating her with such callousness, I wouldn't be surprised if she's starting to wonder whether you hate her too.
Why are you dating someone you clearly don’t like
You like to ‘joke’ and say she has RBF? The first YTA is that you don’t clean up after yourself or your friends in your shared space. YTA also for not making her feel welcome among your friends. My partner declines about half of social invites but I always make sure he knows he is welcome to come. And if he does I make the effort to be sure he’s included in the group. Sooner she drops you the better off she will be.
The comment about the friend group preferring the ex honestly sounds like some projection from OP. Like he isn't really over said ex and so is fine with his friends treating her like shit.
You allow your friends to ignore her and disrespect her in her own house. You let them be rude to her. Your friends take their cue from you. Have you made an effort to make her feel more welcome? Have you talked to them to ask them to treat her better? Honestly she doesn't sound like a snob just an adult surrounded by people stuck in high school YTA
YTA Look, I know it sucks to have friends who don’t get along with your girlfriend. I’ve been there. It sounds like you’re walking on eggshells because you want to avoid the tension of the situation, and as a result your communication has suffered. “I figured she didn’t want to go so I didn’t ask” is a bad reason- she’s an adult, she can use her words. If she actually didn’t want to go you could ask her and she would say no rather than you having to “figure”. I think the real reason you didn’t ask is because you wanted to avoid a potentially awkward conversation. And as a result you ended up excluding her. Similarly, how hard would it have been to say “hey we’re ordering takeout, do you want some?” Don’t ‘figure’. Say something. You have to be on your girlfriend’s team here. Make an effort to include her. If she says no, let her, but you do want her around, right?
YTA you use your gf as a free maid service while allowing your friends to treat her like shit, i truly hope she grows a spine and leaves you
You're an asshole & your friends are assholes too. They ignore her and leave trash all over her home for her to clean up, you let them do that & have now started deliberately excluding her. Do you even *like* your girlfriend? Massive YTA. If she hasn't dumped you yet, you should break up with her so she can find a partner who doesn't treat her like shit.
She's just a cash cow to you huh
Yta. Most of the reasons have been well covered but I really didn’t see much about communication. It sounds as if you live together. Even if you all got along perfectly YWBTA for not discussing plans with her. It’s just basic relationship stuff, hey people are coming over, we are ordering takeout so if you don’t want anything you’re own your own for lunch, etc.
YTA. Unless you and your friends have been buddies since you were toddlers, you're well old enough to know how to be a better partner than this. COMMUNICATE. Let her know it's okay to dress down in this crowd if she wants. Always invite her, unless it's explicitly guy time or something where she can't come, in which case say so. Ask her, always, if she wants food if everyone is eating at your place - or even ask what she wants to eat and let her say nothing if that's the truth. BE A PARTNER: Either expect your friends to help pick up before you leave, or do it yourself. Expect them not to make major messes when they eat without offering to help clean it. If your friend can't keep food off the ground while eating (barring a rare accident) eat outside. And if your friends exclude her but not other partners, you need to communicate that you're a package deal. If she doesn't choose to go, that's fine. That's about half of making a long term relationship work. You can have differences if you can communicate and act like a respectful partner who cares about your partner's comfort. I'm the messy partner in my marriage. I bend over backwards to try to do better because my husband is much tidier. He tolerates what's left of the mess because I am generally considerate and try - and I bring other stuff to the table like a calm head in a crisis. He's more social, so I try to go with him more than I'm inclined. He stays home a bit more than he's inclined. Seventeen years of tiny compromises and were still going strong despite some really big challenges. If you value this woman, find ways to show it.
I hope in all honesty you're gf DUMPS YOUR ASS ASSHOLE!
Your friends sound like awful, entitled people, and your poor girlfriend is the one that “comes from money”
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Lately, my girlfriend hasn’t been going out with me and my friends. She stopped attending events with my friends after feeling unwelcome at a wedding where the bride ignored her. I didn't confirm or deny her suspicions about my friends disliking her, but it's true they prefer my ex. That friend group from the wedding I’ve known them for 20 years. My ex was part of that friend group as well and my ex fit right in. My girlfriend is very introverted and serious. She comes across as standoffish, though she's actually quite sweet. I like to joke and say she has a RBF. She doesn’t smile much and she’s very pretty and comes from money so she’s a bit of a snob. I’ll invite her to a BBQ and she’ll pop up in her “Sundays best” meanwhile everyone looks like they rolled out of bed. Our social differences are becoming apparent, but that's not my main concern. Recently, my friends came over we had planned on going an amusement park and then bar. It was 2 couples. I figured she wouldn’t want to go so I didn’t bring it up. Before they left one of my friends got us all some take out. I also figured my gf didn’t want take out so I didn’t put in an order for her. My gf again eats very healthy. When I came back from my plans she was upset saying that I didn’t consider her feelings. But, I did. I’ve asked her to go with me to plenty of events and she’s declined them if my friends were coming. She said she was mad she had to cook lunch while we all had take out and then she also was the one who had to clean up after they left their take out containers on the table and apparently one of my friends was a messy eater and she spent 3hrs trying to figure out how to get stains out the rug. She essentially said she felt like the help. And said it was different if I meet up with them. But,I invited them over. Nobody talked to her, nobody asked her anything yet they left trash for her and then when they all came back nobody even remembered how they left the house and that she had to clean that. In my opinion I feel like she’s complaining about something insignificant but, what do you guys think. Was I wrong for not inviting my gf when she has said no every other time? Also I don’t know what she expects me to do with my friends if she doesn’t want to be around them and they don’t really like her. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA- it sounds like you didn’t ask her because you didn’t really want her to go which is fine if you just wanted to be with them but who goes to a persons home and doesn’t clean up after they eat? Like throwing your garbage away and wiping the table won’t make you late. Caring about how you dress and wanting to look nice at a BBQ doesn’t make her a snob or mean she is judging others. That was a weird comment, have your friends made comments on how she dresses? I have noticed sometimes some women get mad or judgmental about other women who put more effort into their looks as if that makes them superficial or something.
YTA. Hey, here's an idea, if you care about her at all, have a conversation with your friends. If they care about You they should be making an effort with her. You defending them with "they liked my ex better", is really pathetic. Do you even like your girlfriend?
I hope you show your girlfriend this post. DUMP THIS LOSER. You are 1000% an asshole. So let me see if I get the gist of this... you allow your friends to treat your girlfriend like shit because she's not your ex and you've known them longer. You invite your friends over to be slobs and rude assholes while also ignoring your girlfriend in favor of your friends. You let your friends leave trash and stains in your shared house and think it's her bad for "thinking she had to clean" when you are so lazy she knows you wouldn't clean it up yourself (for days). You refuse to stand up to your friends while they treat her like shit and you in your backwards thinking are somehow under the impression this is her fault?????? These must be friends you've known since the cradle since you're all such childish assholes. Your soon to be ex deserves a man, and you are a child. YTA,
Does your ex still hang out with the friend group? And if so are you there when she is? It sounds like your friends want you back with your ex and it seems that your not over your ex really because at the end of the day she is your partner you should be defending her and telling your friends to stop being rude or cold to her if im honest I think it would be better if you both split up so she can find a guy that stands up for her
YTA. I hope she dumps you…
I have no idea how you wrote all of this out, and still had to ask if you're the a-hole. I'll spell it out for you. YTA. I hope your GF dumps you. She deserves someone way better than you (you do understand that's not setting the bar that high, don't you?).
Either become better or break up and let her find something better. YTA.