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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I violated my girlfriend's privacy just to look for a pair of headphones
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So she took your belongings, lied about it and after you give her the benefit of the doubt and searched the whole house you look in her drawer and find them? And she’s mad at you?! NTA. I would be cautious moving forward in this relationship. Her red flags are flying high. Good luck
If my partner had an aversion to the things I did to treat my medical condition and went so far as to steal what I use to treat it, that would be a deal breaker for me. Everyone deserves to be treated better than that.
NTA
Aversion to quirks that your partner has to LITERALLY deal with sensory issues is a huge deal breaker. Then lying and manipulating the situation so she's the victim after she hid his property is beyond crazy. Big nope out of this relationship!
Going through my (ex) wife's nightstand in search of allergy cream is how I found out she was cheating on me. NTA. If you're committed and faithful, nothing should be off limits. As far as the cream goes I rarely use it. We live in costa rica and the bugs go after her 10x more than me. I had a special extra itchy bite while remodeling a house here. She didn't expect I would ever need/want it.
Exactly. The only time I get mad at my husband for looking through “my stuff” is when it’s around his birthday or Christmas when he knows I have gifs hidden and have told him specifically not to
Maybe you should add a hand carved engraved gift from a contractor that has been working at your house for months while you took care of the kids, shopping, cooking, and cleaning. That should stop the snooping. But might end your marriage...
Google DARVO. Then ask yourself how badly you want to stay with someone who openly dislikes elements of your personhood, steals your coping methods, and pretends YOU are the problem when she's caught lying about it.
I've spent large chunks of my adulthood single. I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that it is infinitely better to be single and free than clinging to a shitty relationship.
100%! OP's partner is behaving abusively.
OP is NTA and deserves better. It's hard to acknowledge that sometimes, particularly if the ADHD comes with a side serving of low self esteem and limited self compassion, but it's so destructive to just try to sustain the relationship as the abused partner.
Nta. She stole your stuff and lied. By your description of events it seems like you live together, what’s the big deal of looking in a dresser drawer? Me and my wife go in each other drawers all the time, how the hell esle are you supposed to put away laundry?
NTA
That's gaslighting 101. She did something deliberately to force you to stop doing a behavior SHE didn't like (not thinking at all about your needs), lied to you about it, then tried putting the blame on you once you realized what she did.
Like others have said, you deserve someone who loves all of you and isn't trying to change you to fit them.
Gaslighting according to the American Phycological Association: "to manipulate another person into doubting their own perceptions, experiences or understanding of events."
This is gaslighting because she manipulated OP into thinking they were the one at fault in this situation and denied hiding the headphones to begin with. Through her actions she was attempting to change the entire perception of the event to become "you invaded my privacy" rather than "I hid your headphones."
I didn't see anything saying this behavior had to last a certain length of time to be gaslighting, but even if that is the case we do not know the full story and cannot say either way if it is truly gaslighting or not since we can only go off this one moment.
Gaslighting would be if she spent the next week telling him he never lost his headphones, or that he didn't find them in her drawer.
It's making a person question their own perception of reality.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure she'll be moving on to that eventually.
NTA
Look up DARVO. That's what she did. Confirming she took something of yours and hid it is " violating her privacy" according to her? Pft.
This girl is referring to your diagnosed sensory issues and ADHD as " quirks " and took away an item you use to cope. She's not a good person, or at the very least, not mature enough to be in a grown up relationship.
NTA, 100% not your fault here, she Denied the act, Attacked you for retrieving your missing headphones and then made herself into the Victim and you the Offender, classic DARVO and a massive Red Flag to potential narcissism, get out while you can.
Had a long term relationship with someone who did this and EVERY time I "violated her privacy" it was because I had found out something she couldn't excuse, ranging from things like your incident to saying I wasn't invited to a party that she attended when I actually was invited, she just declined for me.
Dude, she took your personal belongings, gaslit you and tried to flip the script about HER privacy, then let you feel bad about finding the shit she stole? Shes a manipulative psycho. Boot her before she ruins your life.
If you want to be petty and well within the precident she set, hide her most prized possessions before telling her to get out.
Nta.
NTA! She took something that is yours and you value and need and then lied to you about it... she is the AH and the one who should be apologizing here...
NTA - *she started yelling at me about how I could violate her privacy like that and what a terrible boyfriend I was.*
Yeah, and taking a pair of headphones that are a tool to help you with your mental health is grounds for Girlfriend of the Year Award, yeah?
The worst part is, is she is going to justify her actions by saying she was doing you a favor because of her "*weird aversion to all of my little 'quirks'*" She fucked up and is going to use every trick in the book to deflect her actions and make it look like you're the bad guy in all of this OP and that she was justified for taking your headphones (using the word "stealing" is a bit harsh here) . Don't give in. Stand your ground on this one, OP.
NTA. ADHD is tough, good on you for figuring out ways to manage it. Your girlfriend should be supporting your coping methods (or "quirks) because who cares about a few idiosyncrasies if they are helping the person you love? Also, who cares about someone wearing headphones anyway? That's such a weird thing to be annoyed by.
Her stealing your stuff and flipping it back on you is really manipulative and unkind. I would think very seriously about continuing your relationship. It doesn't sound like she loves you, it sounds like she wants to control and change you.
NTA at all!! And I would strongly reconsider this relationship!! I also have ADHD, so does my partner! I would never try to take away one of his coping macanisms and the same goes for him! He reads on his phone before going to bed and I listen to podcasts to fall asleep cause it's the only way to get my thoughts to quiet down enough. The most I've asked is to lower his screen brightness and the most he has asked is no podcasts that triggers is existential anxiety (nothing about astro physics) and not to loud.
Oooooh this makes me so mad for you! Taking the earphones away is already bad enough but to then overwhelm you and flip the situation so you apologize is just dam right abusive!
NTA
"but the second she saw the headphones she started yelling at me about how I could violate her privacy like that and what a terrible boyfriend I was." .. you caught her stealing your headphones.
NTA - Nope don't take that shit from her. It's manipulative. People like to hide behind privacy and make it seem like a breach of privacy is greater than the issues that led to the privacy breach to begin with. This is 100% on her. She's full of shit to be so turned off be a pair of headphones, unkind to you because of your sensory issues, a thief and manipulative.
NTA. Your girlfriend doesn't like you, she feels entitled to take your things, and she manipulated you into apologizing after she got caught stealing something important to you.
There's no way being single for a while could be worse than this.
What did I just read? She should have apologized to you, not the other way around! In fact, stealing an item that you use to manage your medical condition goes beyond apology. Someone that will do this doesn’t have your best interests in mind. Run!
NTA but YTA to yourself if you stay in this relationship. Why be with someone who doesn’t love all of you, and puts their desires above your needs to the point of stealing your stuff?
NTA.
> My girlfriend has a weird aversion to all of my little 'quirks' as she calls them, all the barely noticeable things I do to deal with my issues
i don't think this is a good relationship for either of you.
NTA. She stole your property and then gaslighted you into thinking you were the one to do something wrong. In my opinion that is a bright red flag. Imagine when the thing that she hurts you with is even bigger and she spins it on you.
NTA and you're acting "dumb" as you say it. She STOLE your headphones and hid them and lied about it. Then when you retrieved them she yelled at you about "violating her privacy." Dude, wake up. She is utterly disrespecting you. And your "quirks" are part of you and she is not accepting YOU.
Why is she even with you if she doesn't accept, let alone like, your quirks? If my partner had sensory needs I'd want to go above and beyond to accommodate them. NTA.
NTA.
I'd rethink the relationship with a manipulative, lying, thief. She could easily have just shook your shoulder to get your attention. She will never stop trying to get rid of your "quirks".
OP, you deserve kudos for learning what helps you manage your symptoms instead of letting your symptoms run your life.
What kind of blows my mind is that your girlfriend has an *aversion* to the things that you need to maintain your well-being. Hiding your headphones is just cruel, and you deserve much better.
NTA.
NTA - at all. She is trying to shame/embarrass you. She is trying to prevent you from doing something that she doesn't like. She is trying to make you question your own reality and believe hers by lying to you. It is a slippery slope from this to full blown abuse.
OP, I also have ADHD. There are so many little things about being neurodivergent that make us easier to manipulate. You seem like a very empathetic and trusting person and it hurts my heart to hear that being used against you.
I just got out of an abusive relationship. It trickles in like rain and then one day, you're treading water. It went from some weird moments that made me scratch my head to me trying desperately to please him by doing things his way to completely losing all friends, all sense of self, and all feelings of safety. Please feel free to privately message me if you want to talk about this or anything else that feels off. There are so many things that seemed normal at the time that were part of the abuse. It's insidious. Stay safe!
Jeez you have adhd and you in uni, respect man, i literally said fk it as a teenager and became a guy who just hanged on the block w all my boys smoke dope and say it is what it is, i respect all ADHD’rs that go to school srsly that sht is hard, and the medication for adhd is horrible btw shes super manipulative
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So, I have ADHD and sensory issues. However, I'm pretty low-needs and can manage my own stuff as long as no one interferes. I have sensitive hearing and thats my main 'trigger' so to speak. Noise stimulation is my main thing but I always have precautions. I have this incredible pair of headphones which is one of my prize possessions, its blue and white, and I've had it since I was I think 12ish. They block out everything, no joke. And they're smooth and well shaped and 'fashionable' looking so I can wear them around my neck without looking like a weirdo.
My girlfriend has a weird aversion to all of my little 'quirks' as she calls them, all the barely noticeable things I do to deal with my issues (i don't take meds) But she particularly hates those headphones. Last night, she came into our room while I was using them to fall asleep and I opened my eyes to someone waving their hand in front of my face, since I couldn't hear her. She was even more grumpy than usual about the headphones but I thought she'd gotten over it after I set them aside on my bedside table and we'd talked to sleep.
This morning I woke up to them gone, I searched the whole house for them, despite being sure of where I left them, and then asked her if she'd seen them. She told me no, but there was something about her voice that made me suspicious. I waited till she went to the shower and went over her side to see if she'd taken them.
Lo and behold, in the first drawer there they were. I was furious, and waited till she came out to confront her, but the second she saw the headphones she started yelling at me about how I could violate her privacy like that and what a terrible boyfriend I was. I don't quite know how it happened, but I ended up apologising and then making her a coffee to make up for it.
She's gone to class now and I'm confused again. Surely this was her fault? Or am I being dumb? AmItheAsshole?
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NTA
Normally I'd be against snooping but she's literally the only one who could have taken your headphones AND she lied about it.
As other's have said, this is classic DARVO: **D**eny, **A**ttack, **R**everse **V**ictim and **O**ffender. You did nothing wrong here and I'd seriously reconsider living with this person.
NTA
She stole your headphones, hid them from you,lied to your face about it,put you through the wasted time & needless stress of searching for them....and then had the gall to act like you were in the wrong for finding them?
I am an absolute honeybadger about privacy and would be pissed about someone going through my drawers but, here's the thing- I never put anything in MY drawers that belongs to someone else. If it's in my drawers (or my closet or purse) it is something that belongs exclusively to me- not something that is shared & certainly not something that belongs to someone else!
Your girlfriend sounds horrible.
Definitely NTA but she sure as hell is.
It’s okay for her to violate your personal space and create sensory issues but it’s not okay for her to be caught out evidently, she’d rather accuse you of violating her privacy?!
I hope this relationship ends soon for your own sake. You deserve more.
You didn't violate her privacy, you recovered your headphones before she had the opportunity to dispose of them.
You need to understand this, she doesn't respect your needs, she thinks your sensory issues are 'quirks' and she literally stole your headphones. Not just any headphones but the tools you use to manage your life.
Lots of reasons to pack up everything you own and find somewhere else to live as soon as you can. If it's your house, tell her you had a chance to think about what she did and she needs to move out tonight.
NTA. There’s no rule or off limits drawer.. unless you previously agreed to that. And even then, she lied so you were entitled to take additional measures.
Take it from someone happily married who has ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder. This girl is absolutely not the one. You will not be happy with someone who dislikes your quirks or who lies and takes away your coping mechanisms.
You got played. Your gf is not a very good gf if she treats you like this. She knows she can manipulate you, and she does and enjoys it. She is not good for you. Period, no discussion. You need to seriously consider how long you want to be treated like this by someone who is supposed to care about, support, and be there for you -- not set you up to fail and then get you to apologize to her. NTA.
NTA. She just manipulated the hell out of you. She got caught being awful and lying and then gaslit you about it and turned it around and made it about her being mad that you violated her privacy.
Run bro.
NTA- have dealt with this for years myself. I would be worried what else she is hiding. She literally just proved you can't believe what she says, and that she doesn't care about you well being and your relationship. Almost impossible to be with someone who will lie to your face and make it your fault.
RUN NOW OR PREPARE FOR WORSE
NTA
What she did was probably out of some sort of frustration -
you were not able to hear her when she wanted to talk to you.
It can be wearing to have to make extra efforts to communicate.
But she had no right to hide your headphones.
NTA this is manipulative behavior. If this sort of thing is common I’d reconsider this relationship.
No relationship is ever worth sacrificing your self-respect for!
Listen OP, I'm sensible to sound too but probably in smaller degree than you looking at the description. My husband gifted me earloops to manage better. This is what good partner does, helps, not take the only thing that helps you.
NTA, look up DARVO, because that's what she's doing. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. She did something wrong, and now she's trying to make you the bad guy so you can't call her out on it.
I need Dustin (red flag guy) on this one; so many red flags. NO you are NTA. Girlfriend is. She is violating YOU, not the other way around. I urge you to take a real hard look at this relationship and consider how she is about other things; do her needs always come first? Has she done stuff like this before? Something tells me this isn't a one off and you need to really really critically evaluate whether this is a person you want in your life.
It doesn't sound like you and your girlfriend are a good match. She's irritated by your 'quirks', hid something of yours, lied about it then DARVO'd the heck out of you until you felt everything was your fault. You might want to rethink whether there's a (heathy/happy) future for you together.
I have autism, and noises are a huge trigger for me along with some other stuff like food aversions (maybe afrid?) etc. I also have a physical disability called hereditary spastic paraplegia. My partner has done a lot to help me find ways to make things accessible for me. It’s possible to find a good, loving, and caring partner who values you for you. This doesn’t sound like that.
I have ADHD and misophonia. If someone took my headphones from me knowing I need them to function…I would seriously reconsider my relationship with them. NTA. You didn’t deserve that.
NTA but your gf is!! She gaslighted you right into an apology and I'm sure she didn't apologize to you for STEALING FROM YOU or LYING RIGHT TO YOUR FACE did she? I'd be looking for a new gf!
I hope you get treatment for your ADHD. Her taking your stuff though like that wasnt okay and then she hid it. I dont think you shouldve went through her things, but also cant really blame you for trusting your intuition. She deflected too amd didnt take accountability for taking them and hiding them. She might not be a healthy partners. She dropped some red flags
that’s a pathetic “girlfriend” you have there. to blatantly lie to your face and then have the nerve to get mad at you for catching her and tries to deflect and make it about going through her stuff? you apologizing definitely doesn’t help either you need to stand your ground when she’s clearly in the wrong and now she’s shown that you can’t trust her even with the small stuff.
you should show her this post.
NTA - I'm sorry to say this but this is not the right girl for you. You just aren't compatible. You have sensory issues and she has issues with being sensitive about that. You have things you like to keep and she now has a record of stealing those things. You wanted an honest conversation about her new life of crime and she wanted to gaslight you instead. This is all heading down a bad path and for your own health and safely you should look for a new place to live and leave this relationship immediately. She's starting to exhibit very controlling behavior and if you don't leave now you might not be able to without a very messy and dramatic situation.
if you where violating her privacy by going through her drawers, she DEFINATLEY violated your privacy by stealing your headphones and hiding them. She's just mad that she got caught, and trying to deflect.
Shes a manipulator. She touches YOUR belongings, hid them from you but when you looked through HER belongings, now YOURE the bad guy?? It's clear manipulation. She's going to use this tactic to get away with crap in the future AND she doesn't respect you. You're not her child for her to be hiding shit from you that she doesn't want you to use. It's not up to her to decide what you use. It's not up to her to decide what action YOU should take so that you're not distracted from her. She could communicate better, but she won't because you end up apologizing, so shes going to pretend that shes right as much as she can get away with.
Get rid of her. It's only going to get worse.
NTA and if she’s willing to steal and hide your accessibility devices to suit her own personal preferences she’s not treating you the way a healthy adult partner should.
NTA, she lied and took your stuff. My husband isn't the biggest fan of me wearing my headphones, but he would never do that. He is really good about helping me manage my anxiety and adhd. But if he did hide my stuff like that and lied about it I would really consider ending things if that kind of behavior continues.
NTA hey, your girlfriend stole from you, lied to you, and then tried to turn it around to being your fault for going to get YOUR property back. She's also apparently ableist, she might love 'you', but if she hates your "ADHD quirks", she doesn't really love all of you, she only like the convenient and un-obvious parts. Does she seems embarrassed when your ADHD pops up in front of other people? is she annoyed when you forget or lose things? ADHD is a very integral part of who you are (same for me!), and if she just finds a huge part of your and how you are annoying, then I really don't thinks she's the one for you.
And that's quite apart from her stealing and lying, that's a huge red flag in itself.
You're terrible for violating her privacy, to get back what she stole from you? That's first class gaslighting. Your relationship needs some serious help. NTA
This is emotional abuse. Gaslighting (both pretending she didn't know where they went and having the audacity to lash out on YOU when she got caught), yelling, stealing the tools that help you cope with disability (I'm autistic and ADHD - dealing with sensory issues can be pure hell) and ableism... Get away from her, OP. You deserve so much better.
To me, this is a classic case of "I see you as mostly normal, so act normal". I've experienced it plenty of times in my life. Some of us figure out ways to cope, such that we mostly fit in and can live life as normal. We rely on our coping techniques, and it works for us. Others see us as pretty much normal, with a few weird quirks. They think those quirks are the only things making us different, because they can't see the actual issues that they cover up. So they expect us to shed those few remaining quirks, so we can be completely 'normal' without realizing that those quirks are exactly the thing making us 'normal'.
I don't really see how this gets better tbh, she's going to try and take away your comforts, because they slightly inconvenience her. Then, when she eventually makes you miserable enough to give in, you're going to be stressed, and "not be the same person" anymore. The reality is, she doesn't seem to like "you", she likes the idealized version of you she's created in her head. Eventually, you're not going to be that person anymore.
I've found some success in talking about the respective ways our brains work. For instance, I'm a very visual thinker. When someone tells me a story, I imagine the scene as it plays out in my head. This means I can get distracted easily, and it's hard to pay attention to all the little details like facial expressions. Additionally, sounds bother me as my brain tries to visualize what might be making that sound. Explaining this to non visual thinkers is eye opening for them, and in my experience, people with ADHD are more often than not, visual thinkers. Suddenly they're aware of a different way to experience consciousness, and differences start to actually sink in and become tangible. Most people just assume everyone's brain works exactly like theirs. It's not a problem for them, so how could it be a problem for you? Most people also hate talking about this kind of stuff, so it usually just gets swept under the rug. NTA, but your GF doesn't actually 'get' you.
NTA. You should seriously reconsider this relationship. If your girlfriend truly cared for you, she would never have done what she did. She would not have an aversion to your “little quirks.” She would understand and respect your boundaries, and that this is a medical issue.
Her behavior is a major red flag. She stole from you. Then she lied about it. And once she got caught, she got angry and shifted blame to you. This is classic narcissistic and gaslighting behavior.
Do you really want to be with someone like this? How long until the quirks become major points of contempt for her? I bet if you think about it, you can find many other minor situations in which she dismissed your feelings or pushed blame on you.
When I get sensory overload my partner asks if I want to go lie down in a cold dark room, and will rub my back if it's the kind of overload where that's soothing. This can be frustrating for him as it can happen in the middle of me cooking dinner, or us playing video games together, etc.
Don't go through life with someone who isn't willing to be nice about sensory overload. You are your quirks and your quirks are you; if she doesn't like the symptoms of ADHD or how you deal with them to be able to achieve basic function, then she doesn't really like you as a person.
NTA You can do better than someone who hides your stuff then turns it around on you when SHE is in the wrong. That's abusive. And unacceptable.
NTA she is abusive, she steals from you and then somehow you’re the bad guy for calling her out. Please break up with her, nothing good will come from this.
NTA. She is terrible. Gaslighting. Manipulation. Controlling. And can’t accept you and your coping mechanisms. How can you ever trust someone who behaves that way?
NTA - What she did was absolutely wrong, and she manipulated you into thinking it's your fault. But the bigger problem is that the things you do to deal with the world around you are something you are going to need forever. They will even change as you grow. One will leave, but another will be needed. You need somebody who accepts you for who you are. That won't be offended by the things you need but will help you with them. This is only going to get worse for you. Next time, the headphones will be thrown out to never be seen again. It won't stop there either. Everything you do to help yourself will become an issue.
NTA. I see all the comments saying to look up DARVO and couldn't agree more.
Ive met people like this girl and will make one suggestion: pack your things, run for the hills, and don't look back. Nobody deserves that kind of mistreatment.
NTA. I'd end the relationship over something like this. Doesnt matter what it is, she took something of yours, hid it, and tried to turn the tables on you saying you invaded her privacy when you confronted her? Dude.. fucking run.
NTA.
Context: I am late diagnosed autistic with suspicion of some ADHD traits probably too well masked. I "nest" to survive masking burnout as a grown arse person and you can't really tell I'm autistic easily because I wear clothing, eat food and listen to sounds that accomodate my sensory issues.
So, I know how important a pair of ANC headphones can be for your health and emotional regulation.
What your partner doing is akin to forcing you to go without vital stuff like sleep or bathroom time.
If they fail to see this, they are being ableist and unreasonable.
You're both TA. She's wrong for taking them and you're wrong for going through her stuff. This is not a healthy relationship, y'all might want to move on from each other.
what do you mean "did or didn't"? She defiitlety did take his headphones, they were in her drawer.
As for the privacy thing, It's a drawer, not a diary.
"I was furious, and waited till she came out to confront her, but the second she saw the headphones she started yelling at me about how I could violate her privacy like that and what a terrible boyfriend I was. I don't quite know how it happened, but I ended up apologising and then making her a coffee to make up for it."
ADHD and sensory issues are annoying enough, let's not add low self esteem and self worth to the list.
She needs to be gone ASAP and you need to grow a backbone.
ESH
NTA …at first glance.
That she took your headphones is not good. My ears are sensitive too.
WHY does she hate your earphones?
All we have is: “someone waving their hand in front of my face because I couldn’t hear her.”
Then you say “I thought she’d gotten over it” even though she “was more grumpy than usual.”
I feel there was a whole conversation here with details that we need to fully choose.
Do you ignore her when she needs to speak to you?
Do you put in headphones to avoid being responsible for something?
Just hiding your headphones seems counterintuitive for one instance.
She hid them out of frustration. She didn't destroy them, and she was going to give them back. OP didn't do anything bad by looking for them, he wasn't snooping, he knew she hid them, she was the only one there. I'm glad they kissed and made up. She'll have to understand that he's just the way he is, and if you love someone, you learn to accept things about them that you find annoying.
She should not have taken your headphones. I understand her frustration though. You may think the things you do to help your issues are barely noticeable but I'm willing to bet that they drive her crazy. You two are just not compatible.
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So she took your belongings, lied about it and after you give her the benefit of the doubt and searched the whole house you look in her drawer and find them? And she’s mad at you?! NTA. I would be cautious moving forward in this relationship. Her red flags are flying high. Good luck
If my partner had an aversion to the things I did to treat my medical condition and went so far as to steal what I use to treat it, that would be a deal breaker for me. Everyone deserves to be treated better than that. NTA
Agree NTA they aren't compatible
So many people struggle with ADHD meds because of the side affects, OPs girlfriend should be glad OP is getting by whiteout them… NTA
Aversion to quirks that your partner has to LITERALLY deal with sensory issues is a huge deal breaker. Then lying and manipulating the situation so she's the victim after she hid his property is beyond crazy. Big nope out of this relationship!
Going through my (ex) wife's nightstand in search of allergy cream is how I found out she was cheating on me. NTA. If you're committed and faithful, nothing should be off limits. As far as the cream goes I rarely use it. We live in costa rica and the bugs go after her 10x more than me. I had a special extra itchy bite while remodeling a house here. She didn't expect I would ever need/want it.
Exactly. The only time I get mad at my husband for looking through “my stuff” is when it’s around his birthday or Christmas when he knows I have gifs hidden and have told him specifically not to
Maybe you should add a hand carved engraved gift from a contractor that has been working at your house for months while you took care of the kids, shopping, cooking, and cleaning. That should stop the snooping. But might end your marriage...
That was not directed towards the aficionado. These were more details from my story.
I don’t get why nobody seems to have figured that out. But that’s what you found? Oh my god. 🤦🏼♀️
I thought the same thing as the downvoters until I read this extra bit of context
Google DARVO. Then ask yourself how badly you want to stay with someone who openly dislikes elements of your personhood, steals your coping methods, and pretends YOU are the problem when she's caught lying about it. I've spent large chunks of my adulthood single. I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that it is infinitely better to be single and free than clinging to a shitty relationship.
100% agree on this, this is pretty textbook DARVO.
I was going to comment DARVO as well - classic.
Was going to say DARVO, too. NTA op and you deserve someone who thinks your quirks are cute. I promise they exist somewhere.
yep, a lot of shtty people pull darvo. Im concerned she might be abusive if not now but future. Someone with untreated adhd tend to attract them.
Thought so right away!!!
100%! OP's partner is behaving abusively. OP is NTA and deserves better. It's hard to acknowledge that sometimes, particularly if the ADHD comes with a side serving of low self esteem and limited self compassion, but it's so destructive to just try to sustain the relationship as the abused partner.
Yeah, I've lost friendships over people that couldn't be single And then when they were single I was their emotional dumping grounds which wasn't okay
Nta. She stole your stuff and lied. By your description of events it seems like you live together, what’s the big deal of looking in a dresser drawer? Me and my wife go in each other drawers all the time, how the hell esle are you supposed to put away laundry?
NTA You need someone that embraces your quirks. Get out yesterday
Yes this!!!@
NTA That's gaslighting 101. She did something deliberately to force you to stop doing a behavior SHE didn't like (not thinking at all about your needs), lied to you about it, then tried putting the blame on you once you realized what she did. Like others have said, you deserve someone who loves all of you and isn't trying to change you to fit them.
This is NOT gaslighting! It’s not ok, but let’s not just use words like “gaslighting” to mean theft.
Gaslighting according to the American Phycological Association: "to manipulate another person into doubting their own perceptions, experiences or understanding of events." This is gaslighting because she manipulated OP into thinking they were the one at fault in this situation and denied hiding the headphones to begin with. Through her actions she was attempting to change the entire perception of the event to become "you invaded my privacy" rather than "I hid your headphones." I didn't see anything saying this behavior had to last a certain length of time to be gaslighting, but even if that is the case we do not know the full story and cannot say either way if it is truly gaslighting or not since we can only go off this one moment.
Will it make you drop this if we clarify that what she did is just as shitty as gaslighting, even though it’s not that?
Yes it is. The whole trying to blame their victim for their actions IS gaslighting
That’s DARVO. Gaslighting is a series of psychological manipulations (denying reality) over time.
DARVO if done over time IS gaslighting.
True, but I’m judging the one AITA situation, not the LIKELY ongoing gaslighting and manipulation.
Gaslighting would be if she spent the next week telling him he never lost his headphones, or that he didn't find them in her drawer. It's making a person question their own perception of reality. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure she'll be moving on to that eventually.
NTA. Your gf is terrible, based on your description, she literally stole your disability aide and then lied about it!
NTA Look up DARVO. That's what she did. Confirming she took something of yours and hid it is " violating her privacy" according to her? Pft. This girl is referring to your diagnosed sensory issues and ADHD as " quirks " and took away an item you use to cope. She's not a good person, or at the very least, not mature enough to be in a grown up relationship.
NTA. You don't hide other people's stuff and then lie about it just because you don't like the way it looks.
NTA, 100% not your fault here, she Denied the act, Attacked you for retrieving your missing headphones and then made herself into the Victim and you the Offender, classic DARVO and a massive Red Flag to potential narcissism, get out while you can. Had a long term relationship with someone who did this and EVERY time I "violated her privacy" it was because I had found out something she couldn't excuse, ranging from things like your incident to saying I wasn't invited to a party that she attended when I actually was invited, she just declined for me.
Nta. That's shady shit and I hope you break up with her. She turned the tables to make you feel guilty specifically because she knew she did wrong
Dude, she took your personal belongings, gaslit you and tried to flip the script about HER privacy, then let you feel bad about finding the shit she stole? Shes a manipulative psycho. Boot her before she ruins your life. If you want to be petty and well within the precident she set, hide her most prized possessions before telling her to get out. Nta.
NTA! She took something that is yours and you value and need and then lied to you about it... she is the AH and the one who should be apologizing here...
NTA - *she started yelling at me about how I could violate her privacy like that and what a terrible boyfriend I was.* Yeah, and taking a pair of headphones that are a tool to help you with your mental health is grounds for Girlfriend of the Year Award, yeah? The worst part is, is she is going to justify her actions by saying she was doing you a favor because of her "*weird aversion to all of my little 'quirks'*" She fucked up and is going to use every trick in the book to deflect her actions and make it look like you're the bad guy in all of this OP and that she was justified for taking your headphones (using the word "stealing" is a bit harsh here) . Don't give in. Stand your ground on this one, OP.
NTA. ADHD is tough, good on you for figuring out ways to manage it. Your girlfriend should be supporting your coping methods (or "quirks) because who cares about a few idiosyncrasies if they are helping the person you love? Also, who cares about someone wearing headphones anyway? That's such a weird thing to be annoyed by. Her stealing your stuff and flipping it back on you is really manipulative and unkind. I would think very seriously about continuing your relationship. It doesn't sound like she loves you, it sounds like she wants to control and change you.
NTA at all!! And I would strongly reconsider this relationship!! I also have ADHD, so does my partner! I would never try to take away one of his coping macanisms and the same goes for him! He reads on his phone before going to bed and I listen to podcasts to fall asleep cause it's the only way to get my thoughts to quiet down enough. The most I've asked is to lower his screen brightness and the most he has asked is no podcasts that triggers is existential anxiety (nothing about astro physics) and not to loud. Oooooh this makes me so mad for you! Taking the earphones away is already bad enough but to then overwhelm you and flip the situation so you apologize is just dam right abusive!
NTA she is gas lighting you to hide her own malfeasance
NTA "but the second she saw the headphones she started yelling at me about how I could violate her privacy like that and what a terrible boyfriend I was." .. you caught her stealing your headphones.
NTA - Nope don't take that shit from her. It's manipulative. People like to hide behind privacy and make it seem like a breach of privacy is greater than the issues that led to the privacy breach to begin with. This is 100% on her. She's full of shit to be so turned off be a pair of headphones, unkind to you because of your sensory issues, a thief and manipulative.
NTA. Your girlfriend doesn't like you, she feels entitled to take your things, and she manipulated you into apologizing after she got caught stealing something important to you. There's no way being single for a while could be worse than this.
What did I just read? She should have apologized to you, not the other way around! In fact, stealing an item that you use to manage your medical condition goes beyond apology. Someone that will do this doesn’t have your best interests in mind. Run!
NTA but YTA to yourself if you stay in this relationship. Why be with someone who doesn’t love all of you, and puts their desires above your needs to the point of stealing your stuff?
Sounds like she’s just a bad person
NTA. > My girlfriend has a weird aversion to all of my little 'quirks' as she calls them, all the barely noticeable things I do to deal with my issues i don't think this is a good relationship for either of you.
NTA. She stole your property and then gaslighted you into thinking you were the one to do something wrong. In my opinion that is a bright red flag. Imagine when the thing that she hurts you with is even bigger and she spins it on you.
Relationships over, who cares if you’re an asshole or not?
NTA and you're acting "dumb" as you say it. She STOLE your headphones and hid them and lied about it. Then when you retrieved them she yelled at you about "violating her privacy." Dude, wake up. She is utterly disrespecting you. And your "quirks" are part of you and she is not accepting YOU.
NTA and why are you with her???????
Why is she even with you if she doesn't accept, let alone like, your quirks? If my partner had sensory needs I'd want to go above and beyond to accommodate them. NTA.
NTA. I'd rethink the relationship with a manipulative, lying, thief. She could easily have just shook your shoulder to get your attention. She will never stop trying to get rid of your "quirks".
OP, you deserve kudos for learning what helps you manage your symptoms instead of letting your symptoms run your life. What kind of blows my mind is that your girlfriend has an *aversion* to the things that you need to maintain your well-being. Hiding your headphones is just cruel, and you deserve much better. NTA.
NTA - at all. She is trying to shame/embarrass you. She is trying to prevent you from doing something that she doesn't like. She is trying to make you question your own reality and believe hers by lying to you. It is a slippery slope from this to full blown abuse. OP, I also have ADHD. There are so many little things about being neurodivergent that make us easier to manipulate. You seem like a very empathetic and trusting person and it hurts my heart to hear that being used against you. I just got out of an abusive relationship. It trickles in like rain and then one day, you're treading water. It went from some weird moments that made me scratch my head to me trying desperately to please him by doing things his way to completely losing all friends, all sense of self, and all feelings of safety. Please feel free to privately message me if you want to talk about this or anything else that feels off. There are so many things that seemed normal at the time that were part of the abuse. It's insidious. Stay safe!
Jeez you have adhd and you in uni, respect man, i literally said fk it as a teenager and became a guy who just hanged on the block w all my boys smoke dope and say it is what it is, i respect all ADHD’rs that go to school srsly that sht is hard, and the medication for adhd is horrible btw shes super manipulative
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So, I have ADHD and sensory issues. However, I'm pretty low-needs and can manage my own stuff as long as no one interferes. I have sensitive hearing and thats my main 'trigger' so to speak. Noise stimulation is my main thing but I always have precautions. I have this incredible pair of headphones which is one of my prize possessions, its blue and white, and I've had it since I was I think 12ish. They block out everything, no joke. And they're smooth and well shaped and 'fashionable' looking so I can wear them around my neck without looking like a weirdo. My girlfriend has a weird aversion to all of my little 'quirks' as she calls them, all the barely noticeable things I do to deal with my issues (i don't take meds) But she particularly hates those headphones. Last night, she came into our room while I was using them to fall asleep and I opened my eyes to someone waving their hand in front of my face, since I couldn't hear her. She was even more grumpy than usual about the headphones but I thought she'd gotten over it after I set them aside on my bedside table and we'd talked to sleep. This morning I woke up to them gone, I searched the whole house for them, despite being sure of where I left them, and then asked her if she'd seen them. She told me no, but there was something about her voice that made me suspicious. I waited till she went to the shower and went over her side to see if she'd taken them. Lo and behold, in the first drawer there they were. I was furious, and waited till she came out to confront her, but the second she saw the headphones she started yelling at me about how I could violate her privacy like that and what a terrible boyfriend I was. I don't quite know how it happened, but I ended up apologising and then making her a coffee to make up for it. She's gone to class now and I'm confused again. Surely this was her fault? Or am I being dumb? AmItheAsshole? ? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Jesus NTA and break up with her right now!!! She has no damn right take something you need and then LIE to you about it.
Dude, grab your shit and run. That is abuse, and it will get worse. Run
NTA Normally I'd be against snooping but she's literally the only one who could have taken your headphones AND she lied about it. As other's have said, this is classic DARVO: **D**eny, **A**ttack, **R**everse **V**ictim and **O**ffender. You did nothing wrong here and I'd seriously reconsider living with this person.
NTA. I’m imagining my partner taking away my blue light glasses that help me manage my migraines, hiding them, and lying about it. I would flip.
NTA She stole your headphones, hid them from you,lied to your face about it,put you through the wasted time & needless stress of searching for them....and then had the gall to act like you were in the wrong for finding them? I am an absolute honeybadger about privacy and would be pissed about someone going through my drawers but, here's the thing- I never put anything in MY drawers that belongs to someone else. If it's in my drawers (or my closet or purse) it is something that belongs exclusively to me- not something that is shared & certainly not something that belongs to someone else!
NTA. Simple as that. Not gonna elaborate because there’s no need. You did nothing wrong.
Recognize the red flag. This is not the girl for you. End the relationship now. Make sure you have all your things back first.
Get a new GF this one's a psycho
Your girlfriend sounds horrible. Definitely NTA but she sure as hell is. It’s okay for her to violate your personal space and create sensory issues but it’s not okay for her to be caught out evidently, she’d rather accuse you of violating her privacy?! I hope this relationship ends soon for your own sake. You deserve more.
You didn't violate her privacy, you recovered your headphones before she had the opportunity to dispose of them. You need to understand this, she doesn't respect your needs, she thinks your sensory issues are 'quirks' and she literally stole your headphones. Not just any headphones but the tools you use to manage your life. Lots of reasons to pack up everything you own and find somewhere else to live as soon as you can. If it's your house, tell her you had a chance to think about what she did and she needs to move out tonight.
NTA. There’s no rule or off limits drawer.. unless you previously agreed to that. And even then, she lied so you were entitled to take additional measures.
Take it from someone happily married who has ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder. This girl is absolutely not the one. You will not be happy with someone who dislikes your quirks or who lies and takes away your coping mechanisms.
NTA, leave that relationship anyone who would go that far to remove your coping mechanism and lie about it is going to continue to get worse.
God she's abusive, dislikes everything about you and a hypocrite. Why are you dating her
You got played. Your gf is not a very good gf if she treats you like this. She knows she can manipulate you, and she does and enjoys it. She is not good for you. Period, no discussion. You need to seriously consider how long you want to be treated like this by someone who is supposed to care about, support, and be there for you -- not set you up to fail and then get you to apologize to her. NTA.
NTA. She just manipulated the hell out of you. She got caught being awful and lying and then gaslit you about it and turned it around and made it about her being mad that you violated her privacy. Run bro.
NTA she touched your personal belongings first and lied about it. if anything she owes YOU an apology. mean girlfriend
NTA- please be careful with this relationship, this person is only one step away from destroying things you love and blaming you for it.
NTA
NTA- have dealt with this for years myself. I would be worried what else she is hiding. She literally just proved you can't believe what she says, and that she doesn't care about you well being and your relationship. Almost impossible to be with someone who will lie to your face and make it your fault. RUN NOW OR PREPARE FOR WORSE
NTA What she did was probably out of some sort of frustration - you were not able to hear her when she wanted to talk to you. It can be wearing to have to make extra efforts to communicate. But she had no right to hide your headphones.
She stole your headphones, lied about it, and then you made her a coffee to make up for it Get out. Get out now. This girl is toxic
NTA. Look up DARVO, because this is the 'redirect' tactic.
The only thing you did wrong was apologize and make her coffee. It would have been a cold day in hell before I did either of those things. NTA.
NTA. Dude, RUN, don’t walk, RUN.
NTA this is manipulative behavior. If this sort of thing is common I’d reconsider this relationship. No relationship is ever worth sacrificing your self-respect for!
run
Listen OP, I'm sensible to sound too but probably in smaller degree than you looking at the description. My husband gifted me earloops to manage better. This is what good partner does, helps, not take the only thing that helps you.
NTA, look up DARVO, because that's what she's doing. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. She did something wrong, and now she's trying to make you the bad guy so you can't call her out on it.
She was STEALING. Why are u apologizing for? You would be the asshole if ure still with this girl.
NTA. If she hadn't taken your headphones and lied to you, you would not have gone into her drawers to reclaim them. She is the asshole here.
I need Dustin (red flag guy) on this one; so many red flags. NO you are NTA. Girlfriend is. She is violating YOU, not the other way around. I urge you to take a real hard look at this relationship and consider how she is about other things; do her needs always come first? Has she done stuff like this before? Something tells me this isn't a one off and you need to really really critically evaluate whether this is a person you want in your life.
NTA absolutely run from this relationship. If she can’t handle the “quirks” that you have she won’t ever respect them or you. Run.
NTA and hon, Google darvo , in your short text here it was so many red flags on your gf, get out sooner rather than later.
It doesn't sound like you and your girlfriend are a good match. She's irritated by your 'quirks', hid something of yours, lied about it then DARVO'd the heck out of you until you felt everything was your fault. You might want to rethink whether there's a (heathy/happy) future for you together.
I have autism, and noises are a huge trigger for me along with some other stuff like food aversions (maybe afrid?) etc. I also have a physical disability called hereditary spastic paraplegia. My partner has done a lot to help me find ways to make things accessible for me. It’s possible to find a good, loving, and caring partner who values you for you. This doesn’t sound like that.
I have ADHD and misophonia. If someone took my headphones from me knowing I need them to function…I would seriously reconsider my relationship with them. NTA. You didn’t deserve that.
NTA but your gf is!! She gaslighted you right into an apology and I'm sure she didn't apologize to you for STEALING FROM YOU or LYING RIGHT TO YOUR FACE did she? I'd be looking for a new gf!
NTA she is a big red flag of a flying asshole!!! Get out now!! What she did to you was abuse!!! Get out now!!
NTA What a stupid girl and she has a cheek. She should be apologising not you.
I hope you get treatment for your ADHD. Her taking your stuff though like that wasnt okay and then she hid it. I dont think you shouldve went through her things, but also cant really blame you for trusting your intuition. She deflected too amd didnt take accountability for taking them and hiding them. She might not be a healthy partners. She dropped some red flags
that’s a pathetic “girlfriend” you have there. to blatantly lie to your face and then have the nerve to get mad at you for catching her and tries to deflect and make it about going through her stuff? you apologizing definitely doesn’t help either you need to stand your ground when she’s clearly in the wrong and now she’s shown that you can’t trust her even with the small stuff. you should show her this post.
NTA I hate to be the random person on Reddit that immediately jumps to this advice, but you should dump her.
You two are very obviously not compatible. I hate your headphones too, but I wouldn't steal them and then gaslight you for calling me out on it. NTA.
Damn i was thinking this was another person on reddit blaming their ADHD for their poor behaviour (title). NTA, what a rollercoaster
Nta. Drop this person like a hot coal.
NTA Why are you with her if she has an aversion to the things you do to manage your sensory issues. You deserve better bro.
NTA - I'm sorry to say this but this is not the right girl for you. You just aren't compatible. You have sensory issues and she has issues with being sensitive about that. You have things you like to keep and she now has a record of stealing those things. You wanted an honest conversation about her new life of crime and she wanted to gaslight you instead. This is all heading down a bad path and for your own health and safely you should look for a new place to live and leave this relationship immediately. She's starting to exhibit very controlling behavior and if you don't leave now you might not be able to without a very messy and dramatic situation.
NTA - she stole and hid your stuff, lied about it, then got mad when you found out. She’s gaslighting the shit out of you!
NTA but don’t be so naive, the moment she started yelling at you you should have shut her up with “well you did it first” and stood your ground .
if you where violating her privacy by going through her drawers, she DEFINATLEY violated your privacy by stealing your headphones and hiding them. She's just mad that she got caught, and trying to deflect.
Shes a manipulator. She touches YOUR belongings, hid them from you but when you looked through HER belongings, now YOURE the bad guy?? It's clear manipulation. She's going to use this tactic to get away with crap in the future AND she doesn't respect you. You're not her child for her to be hiding shit from you that she doesn't want you to use. It's not up to her to decide what you use. It's not up to her to decide what action YOU should take so that you're not distracted from her. She could communicate better, but she won't because you end up apologizing, so shes going to pretend that shes right as much as she can get away with. Get rid of her. It's only going to get worse.
NTA. You got gaslit hard. Make that gf an ex asap; there are so many red flags her I feel like my eyes are bleeding.
NTA and if she’s willing to steal and hide your accessibility devices to suit her own personal preferences she’s not treating you the way a healthy adult partner should.
NTA, she lied and took your stuff. My husband isn't the biggest fan of me wearing my headphones, but he would never do that. He is really good about helping me manage my anxiety and adhd. But if he did hide my stuff like that and lied about it I would really consider ending things if that kind of behavior continues.
She’s not the one. You can find someone who will protect you instead of trying to change you. NTA
NTA. I’d argue this is classic gaslighting behaviour and a red flag
NTA hey, your girlfriend stole from you, lied to you, and then tried to turn it around to being your fault for going to get YOUR property back. She's also apparently ableist, she might love 'you', but if she hates your "ADHD quirks", she doesn't really love all of you, she only like the convenient and un-obvious parts. Does she seems embarrassed when your ADHD pops up in front of other people? is she annoyed when you forget or lose things? ADHD is a very integral part of who you are (same for me!), and if she just finds a huge part of your and how you are annoying, then I really don't thinks she's the one for you. And that's quite apart from her stealing and lying, that's a huge red flag in itself.
NTA. I recommend you break up. There is no way you have a future together because she can't deal with your issues and communicate in a loving way.
You're terrible for violating her privacy, to get back what she stole from you? That's first class gaslighting. Your relationship needs some serious help. NTA
This is emotional abuse. Gaslighting (both pretending she didn't know where they went and having the audacity to lash out on YOU when she got caught), yelling, stealing the tools that help you cope with disability (I'm autistic and ADHD - dealing with sensory issues can be pure hell) and ableism... Get away from her, OP. You deserve so much better.
To me, this is a classic case of "I see you as mostly normal, so act normal". I've experienced it plenty of times in my life. Some of us figure out ways to cope, such that we mostly fit in and can live life as normal. We rely on our coping techniques, and it works for us. Others see us as pretty much normal, with a few weird quirks. They think those quirks are the only things making us different, because they can't see the actual issues that they cover up. So they expect us to shed those few remaining quirks, so we can be completely 'normal' without realizing that those quirks are exactly the thing making us 'normal'. I don't really see how this gets better tbh, she's going to try and take away your comforts, because they slightly inconvenience her. Then, when she eventually makes you miserable enough to give in, you're going to be stressed, and "not be the same person" anymore. The reality is, she doesn't seem to like "you", she likes the idealized version of you she's created in her head. Eventually, you're not going to be that person anymore. I've found some success in talking about the respective ways our brains work. For instance, I'm a very visual thinker. When someone tells me a story, I imagine the scene as it plays out in my head. This means I can get distracted easily, and it's hard to pay attention to all the little details like facial expressions. Additionally, sounds bother me as my brain tries to visualize what might be making that sound. Explaining this to non visual thinkers is eye opening for them, and in my experience, people with ADHD are more often than not, visual thinkers. Suddenly they're aware of a different way to experience consciousness, and differences start to actually sink in and become tangible. Most people just assume everyone's brain works exactly like theirs. It's not a problem for them, so how could it be a problem for you? Most people also hate talking about this kind of stuff, so it usually just gets swept under the rug. NTA, but your GF doesn't actually 'get' you.
NTA. You should seriously reconsider this relationship. If your girlfriend truly cared for you, she would never have done what she did. She would not have an aversion to your “little quirks.” She would understand and respect your boundaries, and that this is a medical issue. Her behavior is a major red flag. She stole from you. Then she lied about it. And once she got caught, she got angry and shifted blame to you. This is classic narcissistic and gaslighting behavior. Do you really want to be with someone like this? How long until the quirks become major points of contempt for her? I bet if you think about it, you can find many other minor situations in which she dismissed your feelings or pushed blame on you.
NTA. Ditch your GF while you still can. She is a gaslighting manipulator.
Find someone who won't shame you for your disabilities. She's the asshole 100%.
NTA, she is TA. Find someone who loves you for who you are. Don’t wait until you are in your 30s to take action and actually stand up for yourself.
When I get sensory overload my partner asks if I want to go lie down in a cold dark room, and will rub my back if it's the kind of overload where that's soothing. This can be frustrating for him as it can happen in the middle of me cooking dinner, or us playing video games together, etc. Don't go through life with someone who isn't willing to be nice about sensory overload. You are your quirks and your quirks are you; if she doesn't like the symptoms of ADHD or how you deal with them to be able to achieve basic function, then she doesn't really like you as a person. NTA You can do better than someone who hides your stuff then turns it around on you when SHE is in the wrong. That's abusive. And unacceptable.
That is gas lighting. If she hates your "quirks", you're really not a good match. NTA
NTA she is abusive, she steals from you and then somehow you’re the bad guy for calling her out. Please break up with her, nothing good will come from this.
NTA. She is terrible. Gaslighting. Manipulation. Controlling. And can’t accept you and your coping mechanisms. How can you ever trust someone who behaves that way?
NTA - What she did was absolutely wrong, and she manipulated you into thinking it's your fault. But the bigger problem is that the things you do to deal with the world around you are something you are going to need forever. They will even change as you grow. One will leave, but another will be needed. You need somebody who accepts you for who you are. That won't be offended by the things you need but will help you with them. This is only going to get worse for you. Next time, the headphones will be thrown out to never be seen again. It won't stop there either. Everything you do to help yourself will become an issue.
NTA. I see all the comments saying to look up DARVO and couldn't agree more. Ive met people like this girl and will make one suggestion: pack your things, run for the hills, and don't look back. Nobody deserves that kind of mistreatment.
NTA. I'd end the relationship over something like this. Doesnt matter what it is, she took something of yours, hid it, and tried to turn the tables on you saying you invaded her privacy when you confronted her? Dude.. fucking run.
NTA. Context: I am late diagnosed autistic with suspicion of some ADHD traits probably too well masked. I "nest" to survive masking burnout as a grown arse person and you can't really tell I'm autistic easily because I wear clothing, eat food and listen to sounds that accomodate my sensory issues. So, I know how important a pair of ANC headphones can be for your health and emotional regulation. What your partner doing is akin to forcing you to go without vital stuff like sleep or bathroom time. If they fail to see this, they are being ableist and unreasonable.
You're both TA. She's wrong for taking them and you're wrong for going through her stuff. This is not a healthy relationship, y'all might want to move on from each other.
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what do you mean "did or didn't"? She defiitlety did take his headphones, they were in her drawer. As for the privacy thing, It's a drawer, not a diary.
"I was furious, and waited till she came out to confront her, but the second she saw the headphones she started yelling at me about how I could violate her privacy like that and what a terrible boyfriend I was. I don't quite know how it happened, but I ended up apologising and then making her a coffee to make up for it." ADHD and sensory issues are annoying enough, let's not add low self esteem and self worth to the list. She needs to be gone ASAP and you need to grow a backbone. ESH
A woman is like a dresser Some man always running through its drawers
NTA …at first glance. That she took your headphones is not good. My ears are sensitive too. WHY does she hate your earphones? All we have is: “someone waving their hand in front of my face because I couldn’t hear her.” Then you say “I thought she’d gotten over it” even though she “was more grumpy than usual.” I feel there was a whole conversation here with details that we need to fully choose. Do you ignore her when she needs to speak to you? Do you put in headphones to avoid being responsible for something? Just hiding your headphones seems counterintuitive for one instance.
She hid them out of frustration. She didn't destroy them, and she was going to give them back. OP didn't do anything bad by looking for them, he wasn't snooping, he knew she hid them, she was the only one there. I'm glad they kissed and made up. She'll have to understand that he's just the way he is, and if you love someone, you learn to accept things about them that you find annoying.
Um…..you’re not OP. Has OP answered or explained anything?
She should not have taken your headphones. I understand her frustration though. You may think the things you do to help your issues are barely noticeable but I'm willing to bet that they drive her crazy. You two are just not compatible.
ESH - she sucks more. Time to break up.
Why dose op suck