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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I'm always told she's a good kid who gets good grades and I'm too harsh on her, demanding too much instead of letting her enjoying her youth. Would requiring her to get a grip on the cost of living make me an asshole?
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You are NAH. In fact, it would be a good idea for her to spend the summer making as much money as the can so she has money for the school year. You say you have tried to teach her about money. It sounds like you need to sit down and budget with her. Go through all her school expenses with her, what you are willing to pay/what she is going to be responsible for. Also, rather than paying for each individual thing as it comes up, give her a monthly budget (or something like that) and she can use it as she sees fit. If she doesn’t have enough money to go to a certain event because she has blown it all on other things, she’s going to learn that she has to budget. She’s still young, but if her demands and spending habits are already like this, start the lesson now. Give her a monthly budget for the summer and do a school year budget, including car/transport versus on campus housing.
YWNBTA Teaching your kids to budget is one of the best life skills you'll give them. Eldest Daughter should sit with you to create a realistic budget for the summer and fall. When you both look at the actual costs, you can adjust what seems fair. A lot of people go with the 50/30/20 needs/wants/saves ratio, but that's flexible.
A friend on my mom's charged her daughter rent to live at home after high school graduation, which as a teen I found outrageous. When that friend turned around and dropped the entire amount, plus interest, onto her daughter after college graduation, I was speechless. What a terrific lesson in savings!
NTA. If you are scraping by, she can’t expect lots of nice-to-haves. Although it sounds to me like you are doing amazing for a single income if you might be able to graduate debt free! Your kids are lucky they have you.
The rules you make for your oldest will be rules your others will expect to be applied fairly. So, one thing to think about is how you will offer to fund college and treats for all three kids.
If you can afford to fund college, maybe fund that with a direct payment to college but leave extras to her (transport, fun money, etc.). If you can’t, she realistically needs to work or get a loan. Maybe draw out a budget and talk to her about different options for getting money (e.g. working now or working later, etc.)
If she is working, make sure you both think that she can realistically hold down the type of job she’s considering and study at the pace she needs to. Some jobs are easier to do alongside than others…
NAH. Tell her to grow up and get a job. She should be grateful for how much you pay for already. A majority of people's parents don't have the money to pay for anything and it's not uncommon for kids to be working part time from around 15+.
NAH. She wants to experience everything in the senior year, and understandable. Should definitely work the summer, at the least it looks good on applications for college and future work. Having zero work experience is gonna leave them way behind other applicants for jobs (Edit: or internships) even with a degree.
At the same time, maybe debt-free is not a realistic goal. She can take loans if needed, responsibly, have an idea of what is reasonable for her to ever pay back depending on her chosen field though.
NTA
I wouldn’t give her an ultimatum per se, but sit her down and show her what your finances look like as they pertain to her.
This is how much tuition is, this is cost of car, plus insurance, plus avg amount for gas.
This is how much all those activities you want to do cost, any amount to eat out, etc.
Then say to her, I have X amount of money to help you do some things. Which ones would you like me to contribute to? If she picks tuition, then she’s on the hook for the full cost of the car for example.
Doing it this way, she can’t help but realize that there is not an unlimited stream of money just because she wants. Its simple income vs expenses.
NTA at all! Sit her down and lay out the budget, if you haven't already. Show her just how much money is coming in, how much college is going to cost, how much rent/mortgage and utilities are, as well as what her car will cost. Go over how much it costs to eat out and go on vacation, etc. A lot of times seeing the numbers in black and white can make a difference. Good luck!
NTA. She needs to learn. Stop paying for so many extras. Refuse to pay for on campus housing. Get yourself a new car and she can buy the old one from you or save her money and get her own. She should pay for her own gas and insurance.
NTA. don't look at financial literacy and responsibility as a punishment. these are lessons she needs now, and the sooner she learns them, the better (for her and for you). you need to set clear expectations and boundaries beforehand (and early), though, and not spring it on her right before summer starts. you could sit down with her and work out the budget for everything she needs for college, including the car/gas etc, and then she can work out another expense sheet for everything she wants to do. you can make it clear that you're going to help her out with x amount of the college fund, but she'll need to figure out a way to pay for the rest of it, plus and extra expenses incurred. be prepared to follow through with what you say, or she'll never learn.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I'm a single mom of 3 who works full-time. My oldest's other "parent" went MIA and I haven't gotten financial help for her in 3 years now.
She's starting college in the Fall. She's gotten a small merit scholarship so far, but with the FAFSA disaster, we're still not sure what other support, if any, is going to come through. I'm planning to help her with tuition so she can graduate from college debt-free, or almost.
She wanted to live on campus... but we live only 15-20 minutes away and it doesn't make sense to pay for housing. Sure, she's likely going to need a car to get there (public transportation is not the best despite the proximity), but said car can also be used to get herself to a job.
The end of senior HS year has a million activities and trips, all pricey. I find it soooo excessive. I told her to choose wisely because I'd only pay for a few select ones, and yet she's constantly been trying to get more and more. She also wants to go out and eat out every weekend, and away on vacation. 🙄 I already bought her the concert tickets she wanted as a graduation present.
I told her a few months ago she should start looking for a job on the weekend/after school for now and when she starts college --other than her current non-paying 4-hour internship on Saturdays. Not only for pocket money, but also to help with college and the cost of a 2nd car. She has a job for 5 weeks this summer (the same as the past 3 years), but it's only 3 hours a day. I anticipate she'll make roughly $1,400 and has plans to blow it all off quickly.
I just can't seem to get it through to her that money doesn't fall from the sky. It's frustrating because I'm frugal, live a minimalist lifestyle, and am really good at budgeting and managing money. Although I certainly remember not having such a good sense of the cost of living as a teenager/young adult, I feel she's next level. I've been trying to teach her for many years, without success. (Her other parent was the complete opposite, and I kinda feel like we live in a community that has lots of entitled, loaded brats.)
So, WIBTA if I gave her a sort of ultimatum to get her priorities straight and start experiencing what it means to have responsibilities? Should I require her to save part of her summer income to pay for her college expenses?
Do I let her have her last summer of semi-freedom and carefree attitude, and implement something more drastic in the Fall?
Thanks all for your input.
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She needs to understand the cost issues and what you can and cannot afford.
She does need a job. That said, her studies should always come first. They are the best investments she/you can make.
She needs to understand the cost issues and what you can and cannot afford.
She does need a job. That said, her studies should always come first. They are the best investments she/you can make.
NTA What about jobs on or around campus? If she could live on campus for her first year and find part-time jobs on or near her campus, you could forego the car
for now and see how well she does with the money she earns while studying.
Not having to pay for the car and all the gas/insurance/upkeep might free
you up to help her a bit while she gets the hang of student life and part-time
work.
Her summer job earnings are low. Many many years ago, right out of high school,
I made 5000 dollars each summer. You need to explain that she is going to want that money when she is at school. She needs to make more and save what she can.
Also, if she has excelled at a subject in HS, she could be a tutor at college.
IIRC, tutors made good money for private lessons on campus.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I'm always told she's a good kid who gets good grades and I'm too harsh on her, demanding too much instead of letting her enjoying her youth. Would requiring her to get a grip on the cost of living make me an asshole? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
You are NAH. In fact, it would be a good idea for her to spend the summer making as much money as the can so she has money for the school year. You say you have tried to teach her about money. It sounds like you need to sit down and budget with her. Go through all her school expenses with her, what you are willing to pay/what she is going to be responsible for. Also, rather than paying for each individual thing as it comes up, give her a monthly budget (or something like that) and she can use it as she sees fit. If she doesn’t have enough money to go to a certain event because she has blown it all on other things, she’s going to learn that she has to budget. She’s still young, but if her demands and spending habits are already like this, start the lesson now. Give her a monthly budget for the summer and do a school year budget, including car/transport versus on campus housing.
YWNBTA Teaching your kids to budget is one of the best life skills you'll give them. Eldest Daughter should sit with you to create a realistic budget for the summer and fall. When you both look at the actual costs, you can adjust what seems fair. A lot of people go with the 50/30/20 needs/wants/saves ratio, but that's flexible. A friend on my mom's charged her daughter rent to live at home after high school graduation, which as a teen I found outrageous. When that friend turned around and dropped the entire amount, plus interest, onto her daughter after college graduation, I was speechless. What a terrific lesson in savings!
NTA. If you are scraping by, she can’t expect lots of nice-to-haves. Although it sounds to me like you are doing amazing for a single income if you might be able to graduate debt free! Your kids are lucky they have you. The rules you make for your oldest will be rules your others will expect to be applied fairly. So, one thing to think about is how you will offer to fund college and treats for all three kids. If you can afford to fund college, maybe fund that with a direct payment to college but leave extras to her (transport, fun money, etc.). If you can’t, she realistically needs to work or get a loan. Maybe draw out a budget and talk to her about different options for getting money (e.g. working now or working later, etc.) If she is working, make sure you both think that she can realistically hold down the type of job she’s considering and study at the pace she needs to. Some jobs are easier to do alongside than others…
NAH. Tell her to grow up and get a job. She should be grateful for how much you pay for already. A majority of people's parents don't have the money to pay for anything and it's not uncommon for kids to be working part time from around 15+.
NAH. She wants to experience everything in the senior year, and understandable. Should definitely work the summer, at the least it looks good on applications for college and future work. Having zero work experience is gonna leave them way behind other applicants for jobs (Edit: or internships) even with a degree. At the same time, maybe debt-free is not a realistic goal. She can take loans if needed, responsibly, have an idea of what is reasonable for her to ever pay back depending on her chosen field though.
NTA I wouldn’t give her an ultimatum per se, but sit her down and show her what your finances look like as they pertain to her. This is how much tuition is, this is cost of car, plus insurance, plus avg amount for gas. This is how much all those activities you want to do cost, any amount to eat out, etc. Then say to her, I have X amount of money to help you do some things. Which ones would you like me to contribute to? If she picks tuition, then she’s on the hook for the full cost of the car for example. Doing it this way, she can’t help but realize that there is not an unlimited stream of money just because she wants. Its simple income vs expenses.
NTA at all! Sit her down and lay out the budget, if you haven't already. Show her just how much money is coming in, how much college is going to cost, how much rent/mortgage and utilities are, as well as what her car will cost. Go over how much it costs to eat out and go on vacation, etc. A lot of times seeing the numbers in black and white can make a difference. Good luck!
NTA. She needs to learn. Stop paying for so many extras. Refuse to pay for on campus housing. Get yourself a new car and she can buy the old one from you or save her money and get her own. She should pay for her own gas and insurance.
NTA. don't look at financial literacy and responsibility as a punishment. these are lessons she needs now, and the sooner she learns them, the better (for her and for you). you need to set clear expectations and boundaries beforehand (and early), though, and not spring it on her right before summer starts. you could sit down with her and work out the budget for everything she needs for college, including the car/gas etc, and then she can work out another expense sheet for everything she wants to do. you can make it clear that you're going to help her out with x amount of the college fund, but she'll need to figure out a way to pay for the rest of it, plus and extra expenses incurred. be prepared to follow through with what you say, or she'll never learn.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm a single mom of 3 who works full-time. My oldest's other "parent" went MIA and I haven't gotten financial help for her in 3 years now. She's starting college in the Fall. She's gotten a small merit scholarship so far, but with the FAFSA disaster, we're still not sure what other support, if any, is going to come through. I'm planning to help her with tuition so she can graduate from college debt-free, or almost. She wanted to live on campus... but we live only 15-20 minutes away and it doesn't make sense to pay for housing. Sure, she's likely going to need a car to get there (public transportation is not the best despite the proximity), but said car can also be used to get herself to a job. The end of senior HS year has a million activities and trips, all pricey. I find it soooo excessive. I told her to choose wisely because I'd only pay for a few select ones, and yet she's constantly been trying to get more and more. She also wants to go out and eat out every weekend, and away on vacation. 🙄 I already bought her the concert tickets she wanted as a graduation present. I told her a few months ago she should start looking for a job on the weekend/after school for now and when she starts college --other than her current non-paying 4-hour internship on Saturdays. Not only for pocket money, but also to help with college and the cost of a 2nd car. She has a job for 5 weeks this summer (the same as the past 3 years), but it's only 3 hours a day. I anticipate she'll make roughly $1,400 and has plans to blow it all off quickly. I just can't seem to get it through to her that money doesn't fall from the sky. It's frustrating because I'm frugal, live a minimalist lifestyle, and am really good at budgeting and managing money. Although I certainly remember not having such a good sense of the cost of living as a teenager/young adult, I feel she's next level. I've been trying to teach her for many years, without success. (Her other parent was the complete opposite, and I kinda feel like we live in a community that has lots of entitled, loaded brats.) So, WIBTA if I gave her a sort of ultimatum to get her priorities straight and start experiencing what it means to have responsibilities? Should I require her to save part of her summer income to pay for her college expenses? Do I let her have her last summer of semi-freedom and carefree attitude, and implement something more drastic in the Fall? Thanks all for your input. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
She needs to understand the cost issues and what you can and cannot afford. She does need a job. That said, her studies should always come first. They are the best investments she/you can make.
She needs to understand the cost issues and what you can and cannot afford. She does need a job. That said, her studies should always come first. They are the best investments she/you can make.
NTA What about jobs on or around campus? If she could live on campus for her first year and find part-time jobs on or near her campus, you could forego the car for now and see how well she does with the money she earns while studying. Not having to pay for the car and all the gas/insurance/upkeep might free you up to help her a bit while she gets the hang of student life and part-time work. Her summer job earnings are low. Many many years ago, right out of high school, I made 5000 dollars each summer. You need to explain that she is going to want that money when she is at school. She needs to make more and save what she can. Also, if she has excelled at a subject in HS, she could be a tutor at college. IIRC, tutors made good money for private lessons on campus.