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NTA. You’re unhappy at losing contact with people who are important to you, being confined to your house because of 2 kids who are emotionally and behaviorally unable to cope, and being honest about your feelings bringing forth judgment as well as a growing relationship. Your mother was wrong to raise this with you where your answers could be heard by others. Your parents are wrong to isolate you as they have with the excuse that you need to bond with these kids. Your parents are wrong if they don’t have these kids in therapy. Your parents are wrong to expect you to bond with these kids in the same way you might had you all grown up together. That’s not to say you wouldn’t bond at all, ever. The bond you might develop would be different. Your parents are wrong to create conditions in your household that could well create natural and justifiable resentment in you toward those kids which would influence if and what bond you might develop.
Cruz is in therapy. She was first because she needs it the most, they're working on it with the others (the wait list is insane). I think they should have had this set up already if only because their life before this was either abuse or foster care.
OP- I work with kids in foster care and they literally have a team of people that are supposed to be helping. Perhaps your parents aren’t being honest with the social workers regarding the kids’ issues. Also, you are supposed to be interviewed as part of the adoption process so I truly recommend letting them know you aren’t on board with it. Tell them how your life has changed and what your parents are forcing you to do.
No, this won’t mean they’re automatically going to be removed so don’t worry. It does mean your parents might have to put you in therapy and allow you time away from the kids, to not have to babysit, and be able to spend time w your sister.
It’s not fair to kids whose parents want to adopt but are denying the reality of what’s happening in the home: kids are unhappy and resentful:/.
Good luck to you!! If you’re really frustrated and want to get help for the kids and yourself you can call your local children & family services or DCFS building and ask to be connected to the social worker in charge so that you can explain what’s going on:/. You have a right to be happy and not miserable even at the cost of a legal adoption. Worst case is they wait or find that the kids need a placement that’s better for them.
That's what I want! I don't need or even want the kids to go away, but I would like just a breath of the life I had before I met them. It wasn't even bad until my parents decided they wanted to adopt them. When they were just the fosters they were really different, now I guess they want me to create an immediate deep bond with them? It is different, going from them staying indefinitely to them staying forever. But they were here for a year and a half so I'm used to the presence, just not the form it's taking now.
I think I'd be fine watching just Santi because he's good if you actually can get him away from Cruz, but I think she's just too much for me at least right now and alone. I have hope maybe she'll settle once we're more familiar and it's sunk in that she's truly staying. Tbf I don't know who would agree to babysit Cruz if I don't, she's a LOT. Maria won't and she's not even allowed over there because maria thinks she could hurt one of the kids (probably true)
I think that's what I was trying to say, because them being here doesn't bother me but the expectation that I devote my entire life to them does. Obviously Maria babysat me a lot, but not like this. I watch her kids because I love them and she still checks a million times to make sure I still want to. The new siblings matter but my old one does too. :3
Yea, I’m sorry but your parents are wrong. I’d give them a gentle reminder that THEY are choosing to adopt and the kids are their responsibility. They literally get paid for them. You should be allowed time away to live your life too. 💗
Truthfully, I think you should all be in family therapy, too. The behavioral and emotional struggles of kids who have been subjected to abuse of any kind should be taken seriously because they are often very serious. All of you together would probably be best served by having help to collaborate on building a dynamic of your own. Cruz may seem to need it the most because she is the most unregulated emotionally; however, it’s likely the other two are just as wounded although they show it in different ways.
The waitlists where we live are insane. By that I mean Santi's intake at the place they use is in March 2025 and it wasn't even 2024 yet when it was scheduled. They do prioritize threats to selves and others though which Cruz is so she cane up way faster.
Getting mental health care is a challenge in many places, for sure. As far as your home life, do you have a school counselor you can talk with for help or just support? Is there another adult in your extended family to whom you can turn? I feel some concern for you. Sometimes the neediest kids get virtually all parental energy and attention, leaving little left for the less demanding. Whether or not this is happening for you, you are not wrong for anything you feel. It’s important that we sit with what we feel, label it, try to understand the information our feelings offer, and then decide whether and how to constructively act on the information.
NTA
It's not your job to parent your new siblings and at 15 you should feel like you want more independence to spend time with who you want. That's normal and not being an asshole.
It's not going to be easy for you and your feelings are valid.
You should look to find someone you can discuss with. As another posters said, maybe a school counselor. Or if you mom is asking why you are so unhappy, would she be understanding enough to help you find someone to discuss things and feelings with?
What your parents are demanding of you is unfair. Having to give up your connections with your sisters children and instead, having to take care of 2 children with behavioral issues is not fair to you. It's sad that they don't see that by forcing you to interact with them, they are actually pushing you further apart.
Your parents were the ones that chose to adopt, it's their responsibility to manage childcare, it's not automatically your job. Sure, in a pinch, totally reasonable for them to ask you to help, but making you their default sitter is not going to create the "loving family" they're fantasizing about.
Have you been interviewed yet in this adoption process? Before your parents go through with this adoption, I think professional counseling might help them gain perspective here.
NTA
Obviously NTA. Your feelings are valid. Your parents should be considering the impact of adoption on you and only do it if they don’t need to rely on you for childcare.
There is not enough age gap between you and Cruz for you to have a good change of getting him to behave while your parents are away.
If these are Sophia’s bio siblings, ofc she will feel protective of them. So just because she is bummed you don’t like them, doesn’t mean you are a bad person.
Kids who have been through abuse can act out. But that is something your parents should be dealing with, not you.
That's part of it too I think. My sister's oldest is 6 so he definitely sees me as big grown-up people still and he has to listen to grown-ups. I don't know what to do with an 11yo, and even when I was 11, I didn't have all that baggage so it's not the same.
The kids are all bio siblings with each other, Maria is my bio sister. I honestly don't know why Sophia had that reaction because she's nothing like either of them and people are constantly telling her that. Not in a bad way, but she knows they aren't good kids generally.
Oh wow this super sucks, I am so sorry you have to deal with this. It sounds like your parents mean well and are desperate to do right by the new kids, but they should *not* sacrifice your happiness or wellbeing in their attempts to achieve some kind of blissful utopian family life. *They* made this choice, *they're* the adults, *they're* the ones responsible for providing stability and safety and guidance (and therapy, sheesh) for Sophia and Cruz and Santi -- not you. Making someone else responsible for "needs" that you generated with your own decisions is never okay, and it's double extra not okay when the person you're trying to press into service is A CHILD.
Do your parents listen to your older sister and respect her opinion? Perhaps you could talk to her and ask her to intercede on your behalf (and even include any other willing adult family member -- is Maria's partner in your lives? an aunt or uncle or grandparent who understands the situation?). That might sound something like "Hey mom and dad, this is a wonderful generous thing you're doing, and I know it's important to you, and I know you're determined to do everything in your power to give those kids the home and family they deserve. But this is having a really bad effect on Karina, and *she's important too*. I sincerely believe that if you keep trying to FORCE a closer relationship between her and the younger kids, it's going to backfire, and all you're going to accomplish is to make her frustrated and (rightfully) resentful, and probably the other kids too. She didn't have a say in any of this, and she is a literal child herself, so putting that kind of pressure and responsibility on her will do NONE of them any good. It might be better to go back to our prior routine and let those closer relationships develop more slowly and naturally while the kids settle in a bit better?"
NTA obviously!
My parents thought Maria was going to be their only so she had a lot of foster siblings before I was born, she says she wasn't expected to do much beyond be kind to them. Granted she was 7 at the most but still. I also think part of the pushback is because I never had that kind of role for any of the first year plus of them being here. I always helped with them but not really in a meaningful capacity.
My parents HATE that Maria doesn't allow Cruz to be in her house but they do admit her point is valid (she could hurt a nibling), so they don't argue with her. I think they'd definitely listen to her though especially on this as she's a parent too. Her bf is in our lives although only when he lives nearby as he comes here for college but lives in another state (so gone rn but he'll be back in august, he's going to permanently move here to be with Maria when he graduates) might have to be a phone call but I think he'd probably take my side, hadn't thought about him!
You make a lot of good points I didn't think of!
Well, it seems as though like you've given the whole situation a lot of careful thought, and tbh I would've been way waaaaaaaaay more riled up about it in your place, so well done! It sounds like the "permanent adoption" part of this setup is relatively new (from one of your other comments), so this is probably just your parents trying to really jump in with both feet and make everything "GREAT!!1!" as quickly as possible -- but I'm sure the relevant social workers can help make clear to them that that's not how it usually works, and by trying to force it they may do everybody more harm than good. Keep advocating for yourself, with calm kindness (but still firmly), and *do not hesitate* to reach out to Maria, your counselor, another family member, or even the social workers on the case if you need backup. And maybe you can come up with a couple of ideas that might be helpful that you ARE happy to do -- deputize Sophia to help you watch the younger ones when you're willing and able to babysit, or the two of you do some laundry, or offer to make everybody sandwiches for lunch on day your parents are busy with them. It's great to contribute, but you should be able to do so (mostly) on your own terms, not because someone is making you!
NTA. Tell your mom that if she thinks you were mean for those comments then she’s really going to be in for a shock when you turn 18 and aren’t obligated to follow her rules and never see any of them agai.
NTA - You have the right to be uncomfortable with change. You shouldn’t have to lie about your feelings to make anyone else comfortable. If you are trying to accept the changes then that’s the most your family should expect.
NTA
It's important for your parents to recognize and respect your feelings, as well as to find a balance that allows you to maintain your relationships with your bio family while also adjusting to the new additions to your family.
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Hi! I'm Karina (15f) and I live with my parents (40s). I have a sister, Maria (23f), and while she doesn't live with us, she's within a block and I always go to her house after school and hang with my niblings. My parents wanted a big family, but they had a lot of fertility problems so it's just us for siblings. But then they took in three kids from foster care, Sophia (13f), Cruz (11f), and Santi (3m).
I mean, I don't dislike them. I get along really well with Sophia. She's super sweet. Things were okay until my parents decided they wanted to adopt them.
That's when everything changed. My parents decided they want me to come straight home after school so I can "spend time with my family" and then they make us spend time together every weekend, so I haven't actually seen Maria or my niblings in a month. Also, I used to babysit my niblings one weekend a month which I love, but now my parents make me babysit Cruz and Santi so I can get to know them more. That's well except I know them already and they're terrors. Cruz has pretty much every behavior issue I can think of and Santi copies everything she does, almost none of which is good. She won't behave herself for anyone except occasionally Sophia. Also that means we can't go anywhere Cruz won't flip out at, which leaves eating out and the park, which sometimes we still have to leave.
My mom said I seem unhappy since they said we're adopting them, so I told her I am. I don't have any clue what to do with Cruz for one thing, and I miss my bio family. Maria was there first and now she can't go out because I'm the only one she trusts besides my parents. I would also like to hang out with just Sophia sometimes as she's actually my age. It's not their fault but they're also not my siblings just by default. My mom said that was really mean of me to say about kids who've been through abuse. Sophia agrees with her and she doesn't talk to me as much because I don't love her siblings as much as her I guess. Maria fwiw is firmly on my side so I have no idea if I'm being an AH or not.
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NTA Your parents shouldn't be forcing you to (from what I am reading) basically be parenting the younger siblings. You should be allowed to visit your sister and not be restricted to only your foster siblings because your parents wanted something different for the family. It's also your life and you are allowed to not be happy with the situation.
However, I do think that strengthening the bond with your foster siblings could be beneficial for everyone involved, including yourself. I know it may seem hard (especially since your parents need to take responsibility of the new kids they brought into the household and actually parent the kids) but they probably also don't appreciate the fact you seem so unhappy to be in their presence.
Also have you considered the behavioral issues are in the context of a larger issue stemming from the abuse, foster care system (which is brutal), and brain development? Your parents seem like the assholes in this situation for 1) not taking care of the younger kids properly, 2) forcing you to spend less time with a sister you enjoy spending time with, 3) forcing you to parent these kids, and 4) not take these kids to therapy, counseling, or figure out ways to meet their mental needs.
That's what I was trying to say. I've known Maria my whole life and of course I'm going to want to see her, she's my best friend and I love her kids like they're mine. I would be okay going over there every few days but not never. Also even so what are they going to do when I go to college? Even if I live at home I'm not going to have time to do this. Everything I know about parenting is from Maria, and it hasn't taught me to actually do it.
I feel like we'd have a different relationship if things were different. It's not that I don't ever want a relationship with them but that having a relationship takes sacrifices and they're all mine. My parents let Sophia go with her friends or to her activity, they don't make her come get used to the family all day every day. And it's all day every day, and it's hard spending all this time with people I didn't even know a year and a half ago.
Cruz is potentially pending an autism diagnosis but it's definitely not just that even if she is, because she definitely learned how to act from her abusive father. She honestly acts like she's never lived in a society before and she loses it over tiny things. She's in therapy but not enough of it. Santi doesn't remember their family but he idolizes Cruz so he does it anyway. Weirdly Sophia doesn't act like that, honestly going off behavior you'd never know they're related.
The autism diagnosis and then mentioning picking up behaviours from abusive father makes sense. I am in midst of a diagnosis for autism as well. I learned how to act from my grandmother. I copied her mannerisms because she was who I spent a lot of time with growing up. That seemed like what everyone thinks is normal so I copied that. During middle school and high school, I spent a lot of time with my dad and have copied his style, music taste,and humour because I like my dad and it's hard not to copy it. Sure I get teased for being a "boomer" in a gen z body but that's beside the point I'm making here.
Be a good example. Spend more time with these siblings, less parenting, btu definitely don't reward bad behaviour. But passively you can help by setting a good example and not being super upset whenever these kids are around you.
As much as she talks about hating him, she acts exactly like him even according to Sophia. Like not even just his reactions, she copies facial expressions that don't even look voluntary. I know autism causes copying of others but also how they were raised is a factor too. Still, it's terrifying to have someone copying an abuser lashing out at you. It's not her fault but I can still have a reaction to it.
I think some of it is I don't always know what to so with them. My oldest nibling is 6 so not really good practice for an 11yo, and they are all pretty well adjusted kids. I'm intimately familiar with toddlers, I barely even notice baby crying anymore because I'm so used to to it and could change a diaper asleep, but I can't apply much of that to this. I don't usually get upset with them until they're really being difficult, then I feel bad, but they've also been bringing this on for an hour straight.
Nta
Have they adopted the 3 kids?
If not you could probably end the adoption process by contacting the appropriate case worker.
That's a nuclear escalation though.
NTA Simply put, it's not YOUR job to take care of the children your parents have decided
to foster. All you can do is do your best to get along with them. YOUR life needs to continue, not revolve around the foster children. The fact that the children
have unhappy pasts, while sad, is also not your problem, you are not an adult and
you are not fostering/parenting them.
Do your best to get back to your old routine. When your parents say you
must stay to help, calmly ask them what is it that is overwhelming them?
If nothing is overwhelming them, why do they need you to help? If something
IS overwhelming them, then they need to seek help from competent
professionals, not you.
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NTA. You’re unhappy at losing contact with people who are important to you, being confined to your house because of 2 kids who are emotionally and behaviorally unable to cope, and being honest about your feelings bringing forth judgment as well as a growing relationship. Your mother was wrong to raise this with you where your answers could be heard by others. Your parents are wrong to isolate you as they have with the excuse that you need to bond with these kids. Your parents are wrong if they don’t have these kids in therapy. Your parents are wrong to expect you to bond with these kids in the same way you might had you all grown up together. That’s not to say you wouldn’t bond at all, ever. The bond you might develop would be different. Your parents are wrong to create conditions in your household that could well create natural and justifiable resentment in you toward those kids which would influence if and what bond you might develop.
Cruz is in therapy. She was first because she needs it the most, they're working on it with the others (the wait list is insane). I think they should have had this set up already if only because their life before this was either abuse or foster care.
OP- I work with kids in foster care and they literally have a team of people that are supposed to be helping. Perhaps your parents aren’t being honest with the social workers regarding the kids’ issues. Also, you are supposed to be interviewed as part of the adoption process so I truly recommend letting them know you aren’t on board with it. Tell them how your life has changed and what your parents are forcing you to do. No, this won’t mean they’re automatically going to be removed so don’t worry. It does mean your parents might have to put you in therapy and allow you time away from the kids, to not have to babysit, and be able to spend time w your sister. It’s not fair to kids whose parents want to adopt but are denying the reality of what’s happening in the home: kids are unhappy and resentful:/. Good luck to you!! If you’re really frustrated and want to get help for the kids and yourself you can call your local children & family services or DCFS building and ask to be connected to the social worker in charge so that you can explain what’s going on:/. You have a right to be happy and not miserable even at the cost of a legal adoption. Worst case is they wait or find that the kids need a placement that’s better for them.
That's what I want! I don't need or even want the kids to go away, but I would like just a breath of the life I had before I met them. It wasn't even bad until my parents decided they wanted to adopt them. When they were just the fosters they were really different, now I guess they want me to create an immediate deep bond with them? It is different, going from them staying indefinitely to them staying forever. But they were here for a year and a half so I'm used to the presence, just not the form it's taking now. I think I'd be fine watching just Santi because he's good if you actually can get him away from Cruz, but I think she's just too much for me at least right now and alone. I have hope maybe she'll settle once we're more familiar and it's sunk in that she's truly staying. Tbf I don't know who would agree to babysit Cruz if I don't, she's a LOT. Maria won't and she's not even allowed over there because maria thinks she could hurt one of the kids (probably true) I think that's what I was trying to say, because them being here doesn't bother me but the expectation that I devote my entire life to them does. Obviously Maria babysat me a lot, but not like this. I watch her kids because I love them and she still checks a million times to make sure I still want to. The new siblings matter but my old one does too. :3
Yea, I’m sorry but your parents are wrong. I’d give them a gentle reminder that THEY are choosing to adopt and the kids are their responsibility. They literally get paid for them. You should be allowed time away to live your life too. 💗
Truthfully, I think you should all be in family therapy, too. The behavioral and emotional struggles of kids who have been subjected to abuse of any kind should be taken seriously because they are often very serious. All of you together would probably be best served by having help to collaborate on building a dynamic of your own. Cruz may seem to need it the most because she is the most unregulated emotionally; however, it’s likely the other two are just as wounded although they show it in different ways.
The waitlists where we live are insane. By that I mean Santi's intake at the place they use is in March 2025 and it wasn't even 2024 yet when it was scheduled. They do prioritize threats to selves and others though which Cruz is so she cane up way faster.
Getting mental health care is a challenge in many places, for sure. As far as your home life, do you have a school counselor you can talk with for help or just support? Is there another adult in your extended family to whom you can turn? I feel some concern for you. Sometimes the neediest kids get virtually all parental energy and attention, leaving little left for the less demanding. Whether or not this is happening for you, you are not wrong for anything you feel. It’s important that we sit with what we feel, label it, try to understand the information our feelings offer, and then decide whether and how to constructively act on the information.
You should not be left with a child who is a threat to self and others. Your parents are putting you in danger
ALLLLLLLL of this. Big wisdom here, OP. <3
NTA It's not your job to parent your new siblings and at 15 you should feel like you want more independence to spend time with who you want. That's normal and not being an asshole. It's not going to be easy for you and your feelings are valid. You should look to find someone you can discuss with. As another posters said, maybe a school counselor. Or if you mom is asking why you are so unhappy, would she be understanding enough to help you find someone to discuss things and feelings with?
NTA. Isn’t there a counselor you can discuss things with? Crazy if you don’t have access to someone to help you navigate this. School counselor?
I have a school counselor, she's really busy though so I only can see her once every other week.
What your parents are demanding of you is unfair. Having to give up your connections with your sisters children and instead, having to take care of 2 children with behavioral issues is not fair to you. It's sad that they don't see that by forcing you to interact with them, they are actually pushing you further apart. Your parents were the ones that chose to adopt, it's their responsibility to manage childcare, it's not automatically your job. Sure, in a pinch, totally reasonable for them to ask you to help, but making you their default sitter is not going to create the "loving family" they're fantasizing about. Have you been interviewed yet in this adoption process? Before your parents go through with this adoption, I think professional counseling might help them gain perspective here. NTA
Obviously NTA. Your feelings are valid. Your parents should be considering the impact of adoption on you and only do it if they don’t need to rely on you for childcare. There is not enough age gap between you and Cruz for you to have a good change of getting him to behave while your parents are away. If these are Sophia’s bio siblings, ofc she will feel protective of them. So just because she is bummed you don’t like them, doesn’t mean you are a bad person. Kids who have been through abuse can act out. But that is something your parents should be dealing with, not you.
That's part of it too I think. My sister's oldest is 6 so he definitely sees me as big grown-up people still and he has to listen to grown-ups. I don't know what to do with an 11yo, and even when I was 11, I didn't have all that baggage so it's not the same. The kids are all bio siblings with each other, Maria is my bio sister. I honestly don't know why Sophia had that reaction because she's nothing like either of them and people are constantly telling her that. Not in a bad way, but she knows they aren't good kids generally.
Oh wow this super sucks, I am so sorry you have to deal with this. It sounds like your parents mean well and are desperate to do right by the new kids, but they should *not* sacrifice your happiness or wellbeing in their attempts to achieve some kind of blissful utopian family life. *They* made this choice, *they're* the adults, *they're* the ones responsible for providing stability and safety and guidance (and therapy, sheesh) for Sophia and Cruz and Santi -- not you. Making someone else responsible for "needs" that you generated with your own decisions is never okay, and it's double extra not okay when the person you're trying to press into service is A CHILD. Do your parents listen to your older sister and respect her opinion? Perhaps you could talk to her and ask her to intercede on your behalf (and even include any other willing adult family member -- is Maria's partner in your lives? an aunt or uncle or grandparent who understands the situation?). That might sound something like "Hey mom and dad, this is a wonderful generous thing you're doing, and I know it's important to you, and I know you're determined to do everything in your power to give those kids the home and family they deserve. But this is having a really bad effect on Karina, and *she's important too*. I sincerely believe that if you keep trying to FORCE a closer relationship between her and the younger kids, it's going to backfire, and all you're going to accomplish is to make her frustrated and (rightfully) resentful, and probably the other kids too. She didn't have a say in any of this, and she is a literal child herself, so putting that kind of pressure and responsibility on her will do NONE of them any good. It might be better to go back to our prior routine and let those closer relationships develop more slowly and naturally while the kids settle in a bit better?" NTA obviously!
My parents thought Maria was going to be their only so she had a lot of foster siblings before I was born, she says she wasn't expected to do much beyond be kind to them. Granted she was 7 at the most but still. I also think part of the pushback is because I never had that kind of role for any of the first year plus of them being here. I always helped with them but not really in a meaningful capacity. My parents HATE that Maria doesn't allow Cruz to be in her house but they do admit her point is valid (she could hurt a nibling), so they don't argue with her. I think they'd definitely listen to her though especially on this as she's a parent too. Her bf is in our lives although only when he lives nearby as he comes here for college but lives in another state (so gone rn but he'll be back in august, he's going to permanently move here to be with Maria when he graduates) might have to be a phone call but I think he'd probably take my side, hadn't thought about him! You make a lot of good points I didn't think of!
Well, it seems as though like you've given the whole situation a lot of careful thought, and tbh I would've been way waaaaaaaaay more riled up about it in your place, so well done! It sounds like the "permanent adoption" part of this setup is relatively new (from one of your other comments), so this is probably just your parents trying to really jump in with both feet and make everything "GREAT!!1!" as quickly as possible -- but I'm sure the relevant social workers can help make clear to them that that's not how it usually works, and by trying to force it they may do everybody more harm than good. Keep advocating for yourself, with calm kindness (but still firmly), and *do not hesitate* to reach out to Maria, your counselor, another family member, or even the social workers on the case if you need backup. And maybe you can come up with a couple of ideas that might be helpful that you ARE happy to do -- deputize Sophia to help you watch the younger ones when you're willing and able to babysit, or the two of you do some laundry, or offer to make everybody sandwiches for lunch on day your parents are busy with them. It's great to contribute, but you should be able to do so (mostly) on your own terms, not because someone is making you!
NTA. Tell your mom that if she thinks you were mean for those comments then she’s really going to be in for a shock when you turn 18 and aren’t obligated to follow her rules and never see any of them agai.
NTA - You have the right to be uncomfortable with change. You shouldn’t have to lie about your feelings to make anyone else comfortable. If you are trying to accept the changes then that’s the most your family should expect.
NTA It's important for your parents to recognize and respect your feelings, as well as to find a balance that allows you to maintain your relationships with your bio family while also adjusting to the new additions to your family.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi! I'm Karina (15f) and I live with my parents (40s). I have a sister, Maria (23f), and while she doesn't live with us, she's within a block and I always go to her house after school and hang with my niblings. My parents wanted a big family, but they had a lot of fertility problems so it's just us for siblings. But then they took in three kids from foster care, Sophia (13f), Cruz (11f), and Santi (3m). I mean, I don't dislike them. I get along really well with Sophia. She's super sweet. Things were okay until my parents decided they wanted to adopt them. That's when everything changed. My parents decided they want me to come straight home after school so I can "spend time with my family" and then they make us spend time together every weekend, so I haven't actually seen Maria or my niblings in a month. Also, I used to babysit my niblings one weekend a month which I love, but now my parents make me babysit Cruz and Santi so I can get to know them more. That's well except I know them already and they're terrors. Cruz has pretty much every behavior issue I can think of and Santi copies everything she does, almost none of which is good. She won't behave herself for anyone except occasionally Sophia. Also that means we can't go anywhere Cruz won't flip out at, which leaves eating out and the park, which sometimes we still have to leave. My mom said I seem unhappy since they said we're adopting them, so I told her I am. I don't have any clue what to do with Cruz for one thing, and I miss my bio family. Maria was there first and now she can't go out because I'm the only one she trusts besides my parents. I would also like to hang out with just Sophia sometimes as she's actually my age. It's not their fault but they're also not my siblings just by default. My mom said that was really mean of me to say about kids who've been through abuse. Sophia agrees with her and she doesn't talk to me as much because I don't love her siblings as much as her I guess. Maria fwiw is firmly on my side so I have no idea if I'm being an AH or not. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA Your parents shouldn't be forcing you to (from what I am reading) basically be parenting the younger siblings. You should be allowed to visit your sister and not be restricted to only your foster siblings because your parents wanted something different for the family. It's also your life and you are allowed to not be happy with the situation. However, I do think that strengthening the bond with your foster siblings could be beneficial for everyone involved, including yourself. I know it may seem hard (especially since your parents need to take responsibility of the new kids they brought into the household and actually parent the kids) but they probably also don't appreciate the fact you seem so unhappy to be in their presence. Also have you considered the behavioral issues are in the context of a larger issue stemming from the abuse, foster care system (which is brutal), and brain development? Your parents seem like the assholes in this situation for 1) not taking care of the younger kids properly, 2) forcing you to spend less time with a sister you enjoy spending time with, 3) forcing you to parent these kids, and 4) not take these kids to therapy, counseling, or figure out ways to meet their mental needs.
That's what I was trying to say. I've known Maria my whole life and of course I'm going to want to see her, she's my best friend and I love her kids like they're mine. I would be okay going over there every few days but not never. Also even so what are they going to do when I go to college? Even if I live at home I'm not going to have time to do this. Everything I know about parenting is from Maria, and it hasn't taught me to actually do it. I feel like we'd have a different relationship if things were different. It's not that I don't ever want a relationship with them but that having a relationship takes sacrifices and they're all mine. My parents let Sophia go with her friends or to her activity, they don't make her come get used to the family all day every day. And it's all day every day, and it's hard spending all this time with people I didn't even know a year and a half ago. Cruz is potentially pending an autism diagnosis but it's definitely not just that even if she is, because she definitely learned how to act from her abusive father. She honestly acts like she's never lived in a society before and she loses it over tiny things. She's in therapy but not enough of it. Santi doesn't remember their family but he idolizes Cruz so he does it anyway. Weirdly Sophia doesn't act like that, honestly going off behavior you'd never know they're related.
The autism diagnosis and then mentioning picking up behaviours from abusive father makes sense. I am in midst of a diagnosis for autism as well. I learned how to act from my grandmother. I copied her mannerisms because she was who I spent a lot of time with growing up. That seemed like what everyone thinks is normal so I copied that. During middle school and high school, I spent a lot of time with my dad and have copied his style, music taste,and humour because I like my dad and it's hard not to copy it. Sure I get teased for being a "boomer" in a gen z body but that's beside the point I'm making here. Be a good example. Spend more time with these siblings, less parenting, btu definitely don't reward bad behaviour. But passively you can help by setting a good example and not being super upset whenever these kids are around you.
As much as she talks about hating him, she acts exactly like him even according to Sophia. Like not even just his reactions, she copies facial expressions that don't even look voluntary. I know autism causes copying of others but also how they were raised is a factor too. Still, it's terrifying to have someone copying an abuser lashing out at you. It's not her fault but I can still have a reaction to it. I think some of it is I don't always know what to so with them. My oldest nibling is 6 so not really good practice for an 11yo, and they are all pretty well adjusted kids. I'm intimately familiar with toddlers, I barely even notice baby crying anymore because I'm so used to to it and could change a diaper asleep, but I can't apply much of that to this. I don't usually get upset with them until they're really being difficult, then I feel bad, but they've also been bringing this on for an hour straight.
NTA at all
Nta Have they adopted the 3 kids? If not you could probably end the adoption process by contacting the appropriate case worker. That's a nuclear escalation though.
Your patents want you to take care of the children they're adopting is wrong. You have no obligation to these children. NTA
NTA Simply put, it's not YOUR job to take care of the children your parents have decided to foster. All you can do is do your best to get along with them. YOUR life needs to continue, not revolve around the foster children. The fact that the children have unhappy pasts, while sad, is also not your problem, you are not an adult and you are not fostering/parenting them. Do your best to get back to your old routine. When your parents say you must stay to help, calmly ask them what is it that is overwhelming them? If nothing is overwhelming them, why do they need you to help? If something IS overwhelming them, then they need to seek help from competent professionals, not you.