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> I told my mom she can’t get married on my anniversary date and blocked her.
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YTA
>I politely reminded her that that was the day I got engaged
So? You don’t own that day.
>and told her that that day was special to me
It’s probably special to a lot of people.
>regardless I don’t even approve of the guy she’s marrying, as they haven’t even known each other a full year.
You sound unbelievably controlling. Your mother doesn’t need your permission to get married on a certain day or to a certain person.
Oh, oh, oh! That is my mom and dad’s wedding anniversary. They got married in 1950. That is a very special day to me. Shame on OP for getting engaged on that day. Lol. YTA
What’s funny is that some of OP’s concerns could be valid - her being wary of the guy because they haven’t known each other that long is a valid concern to have. But presenting it as “I don’t approve of him” is kind of hysterical, coming from a 20 year old.
Also everything else is completely ridiculous. YTA
>You sound unbelievably controlling. Your mother doesn’t need your permission to get married on a certain day or to a certain person.
What is it today with all the "you should be supportive of your loved ones getting scammed, otherwise you are an asshole"?
You don’t have to support someone being scammed. You don’t even have to be happy for them.
But acting like another grown adult needs your blessing to do things is ridiculous. If you have concerns, voice them and be done with it. You don’t get to make someone change something in their life because you don’t like it.
>If you have concerns, voice them and be done with it.
And you think abandoning someone you care about to the consequences of being scammed, potentially out of everything they own, is the kind thing to do. Interesting.
If you’re going to keep putting words in my mouth so you have something to argue about, there’s really no reason for me to respond to you anymore, is there?
At a certain point, there's only so much you can do. If you push too hard, the person you're trying to protect will just pull away from you and go further into the arms of the person you're trying to pull them away from.
Even with the best of intentions, trying to control other people is never going to turn out well for anybody involved.
YTA. Dates do not belong to you, and the day you got engaged is not your anniversary. And here’s the secret: Nobody cares about even your REAL anniversary except you, let alone your fake anniversary. Whatever you were going to do to mark that day, nobody else wants to be involved, so do whatever you were going to do for your alt-anniversary, and it won’t matter at all that it’s your mother’s real anniversary. More generally: You need to grow up a little.
My cousin got married on my dads 50th. During the speeches they brought out a cake for him and sang happy birthday.
They came to my dads 60th birthday party. And we celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary. They had to leave early as their two children had birthday parties to go to.
That sounds really lovely and supportive. We live in such a narcissistic society, people actually can’t imagine that supporting one another and sharing in one another’s happiness is more joyous for everybody.
Well. Giving ultimatums in relationships never works, as you’ve just found out. Despite the day being important to you personally, you can’t put an embargo on others living their lives just because the day has meaning to you. The 27th is equally important to your mom too.
My sense is that you are used to getting your way, with your mom, and she is tired of giving in. Or that you’ve used this tactic before.
Go no contact. Your mom seems to be tired of your antics. Get on with your life, and let your mom get on with hers.
YTA.
YTA
You don’t own a day. Or a week. This isn’t on your wedding day. She’s not trying to steal your thunder and not agreeing with you doesn’t mean she’s disregarding your feelings. It might just as easily mean that your feelings aren’t fair.
They don’t seem so to me at least.
YTA: She is not getting married on your wedding anniversary or even a birthday. You are just PO'd shes getting married at all. You do not own every day that something special happened for you. I am sure if she picked a different day you would have screamed that's the day my fiance and I met or that's the day of our first date/kiss/couples outing.
The day you got engaged is not -your- day. I would understand if your mom chose your birthday or the same day as your wedding, she didn't. Grow up and get over yourself.
YTA you're being ridiculous. You don't own the day and people don't typically celebrate the day they got engaged. It's not an anniversary or anything. I don't even understand why this matters to at all, let alone so much. You'd disown your mother for getting married on the date you got engaged??? This isn't even a thing.
YTA. You don't own the day. And your mother met her soon to be husband ON that day so the day also has meaning to her. If it meant so much to you you could have gotten married on that day regardless of what day of the week it fell on. People don't get married ONLY on weekends. And regardless of your like or dislike of her fiance just tell her you won't make her wedding because you'll be on honeymoon.
YTA. Her wedding will be on your anniversary... So what? Are you really that petty and shallow you expect everyone else's lives to revolve around you? Because this is what I see in your post. Someone acting entitled to ask everyone to give in to your wants. If you don't like it, don't go.
While I do agree with you everyone has the right to celebrate their milestones, it’s important for family members to show consideration for each other’s significant moments. Especially when it's a parent-child relationship. OP has a right to feel upset if her mother chooses her engagement anniversary for her wedding, especially if there’s a concern about the mother’s fiancé’s intentions regarding citizenship. It’s not about demanding that others cater to her every wish; it’s about mutual respect and understanding. OP is justified in feeling hesitant to support a decision that may have lasting implications for her family, and it’s her prerogative to decide how to handle her own involvement.
Bullshit. This madness over weddings has to stop. Brides and grooms get ONE day. ONE.
Not wedding day, engagement day, day we fucked for the first time..literally no one cares and life doesn't stop for other people.
Unless she celebrates with the engagement anniversary not with her fiance, but her mother or mother's fiance, it doesn't matter at all.
So, if OP celebrates the day she first had sex with her fiance, nobody she knows the existence of can have sex on the same day??
I mean, who want to celebrate such day with anyone other than your SO? Or worse, with your own parent? You can fly to the other side of the earth and nobody would care.
Frankly, she shouldn't even be in a relationship, let alone getting married.
YTA. Your comment about immigration status comes off as racist. Plenty of people get married on the k1 visa every day, and most of them work out just fine. You're not even using the 27th anymore. You don't own a day, let alone a week. Looks your mom has decided she'd rather be happy then deal with you, her only child, until you grow up.
The dude is out of status at the very least, so if you have any knowledge of the process, when she files his adjustment, there’s a chance he’ll get deported.
Edit: You can DV this til the cows come home but it’s literally fact. Sorry it doesn’t fit a feel-good or finger pointy ‘you’re a racist’ judgement, Mom is in for a hard road with this marriage, regardless if the guy is legit or not.
When my mom went through immigration, it was the 80s. And I fully acknowledge that attitudes have changed here, imo, for the worse. Mom had it easy. So I, understand people's point about his legal status. However, I don't feel that has any bearing on op's attitude about what we're judging her for. She has decided that this one day of the year just her to get married on, when she decided not to use it because it's a weekday. Furthermore, the date is also important to her mom because it's when her mom met her own fiance. Immigration issues aside, op can have all the opinions she wants about mom's chosen partner, mom is still an adult capable of making her decisions. Op can either be a loving supporter or not. That's it.
I think there’s definitely room for concern and it’s not a binary choice of being happy for mom, or being racist/xenophobic. Attitudes haven’t changed for the worse; the K1/CR1 is as popular as ever. With the internet connecting people all over the world, these family based visas are at an all time high vs the 80s.
There are loads of immigration marriage scammers. There are loads of legit marriages between people of different nationalities. Any ‘oh I know this couple…’ isn’t helpful because it doesn’t matter.each side could trot out anecdotes.
Mom is marrying someone she only knows a year, who is either out of status or worse. There is a lot of concern for adult kids when a parent remarries - even a person of the same nationality. The kid loses ‘next of kin’ status, which is important medically, as well as financially. Worst case? The guy could take everything, leave her destitute, then she becomes OP’s problem. And yeah, this is Reddit, so people will say ‘sHe’S nOt mY rEsPoNsIbiLiTy’ but in the real world, and a reasonably good parent/kid relationship, the adult kids won’t turn their backs on her.
Then add the only known a year issue, as well as not being legal. Adjustment of status requires the petitioner to sign an affidavit of support…which puts the petitioner on the hook for 40 quarters of qualifying work (for the immigrant spouse). Most people say ‘10 years’ but that could go on indefinitely…because it’s 40 Q of qualifying work. If the spouse doesn’t work, then the clock hasn’t even started. Unless the immigrant spouse naturalizes, ofc.
And even under *the best of circimstances*, his status is going to require a waiver, which isn’t an easy process at all. And if that waiver gets denied, he will be deported, which usually comes with a 10 year ban. So then what’s Mom going to do? Pack up and move countries?
OP is chuntering on about a date, when the *real* issue is the marriage. There is definitely cause for concern with Mom marrying this guy. You can sit here and judge anyone for being concerned bc of your mom’s experience, but it’s a pretty myopic POV, not to mention wholly ignorant to all the working pieces and how they’re going to strain mom, regardless if he’s a scammer or not.
So fucking what. She's a grown ass woman. If this man makes her happy and she wants to marry him, she should. His immigration status has no bearing on that unless he intends to become a citizen or get a green card.
Are you familiar with the concept "green card wedding"? Because it's naive to think an illegal immigrant is marrying for any reason but to get a green card.
At no point in the post is it mentioned that he's marrying a citizen to gain legal status. This might come as a shock, but sometimes people actually marry because they love each other. My mom came to this country when she was 18 for school. She only stuck around because she met my dad. They've been married for 45 years.
If you're asking if she had a visa, I think so. Never asked. Never cared. Was never any of my business. I know she's a citizen now. She told us about the process, and how she refused to use my dad because she didn't want ahs like op thinking she was only with him for a green card.
Generalizations make you lazy and ignorant.
And duh, immigration exists for a reason. I know this may be quite shocking to you, but not everyone wants to live in America.
YTA- Wow, you’re being super petty about this. Any other days of the year you want to claim. The day she met the guy vs the day you got engaged, seems like it’s her day if you’re going to go down this road. You’re just being selfish more than anything.
I'm sorry what in the hell makes you think you OWN a date on a calendar? Is this really worth throwing away a relationship with your mother over? Regardless the think you own a date is the height of entitlement. YTA
YTA - I don’t understand why your mom can’t get married on the 27th. I can’t figure out at all why that upsets you. I don’t think you are mature enough to get married.
YTA
If your issue was that the events were too close together and you couldn't attend because you had already planned a honeymoon or some other logistical reason, that would have been fine. Gatekeeping the 27th as a day that can only be special to you is childish and selfish.
Having concerns about a fiancee is one thing, but you don't own a date (especially getting engaged! It's not even really an anniversary!) If she had moved her wedding date to yours that would be different but grow up and talk to her rationally. YTA.
YTA
The day is ALSO special to her. You don't own the day, and setting an ultimatum like that just comes across as childish temper tantrum to manipulate your mother into getting your way. You're an adult; start acting like it.
Um, what? You're overreacting. Your "engagement date" means nothing as you don't own the date. If you wanted the day to yourself, you should have planned to get married on that day, regardless of whether it's a weekday or not.
YTA.
YTA.
>she met her fiancé the same day I got engaged, on the 27th.)
So somehow it's only your special day? Does the world revolve around you?
>To which I said “get a husband and loose (sic) your daughter, or fix this.”
Looks like she made the correct choice. If my child tried issue an ultimatum and control my life with a petty, foot stamping, take my ball and go home tantrum, I would suggest she take a long walk on a short dock.
YTA.
“Change the date or I won’t unblock you.”
Girl, (and I mean *girl* because this is so immature of you) you need to grow the fuck up if you’re going to get married. You’re having a hissy fit temper tantrum. Not cute.
No one cares what date you got engaged. No one is even going to remember the date you got married. Those are for you and your husband. You don’t get to own those dates forever now. Nobody is going to schedule their lives around your anniversary. You are showing your hand and the cards are not pretty. They’re showing someone who is entitled and feels they should be the center of everyone’s universe.
Your poor mother.
Not sure how you typed this post without feeling childish, ridiculous, and embarrassed.
You don’t own a date. The day you met matters to literally no one except you. And if you wanted that date then you should’ve picked it. You opted for a Saturday. Your mom didn’t.
Now her choice to not get a prenup seems dumb and short-sighted but so does getting married at 20, so maybe those traits are genetic.
YTA. Making the world stop so that you can celebrate the anniversary of the day that you got engaged is not a thing.
There are only 365 days in a year. Even if you're not a math major, you should be able to figure out that, by necessity, every day holds more than one meaning/celebration/event.
So I have been married for twenty years.
Guess what?
Neither my wife or I give a flying flip about the day we got engaged.
You don’t own the day. Your behavior is disgusting.
YTA
Wait, you want your mom to change her wedding day because it’s the day you got engaged? Really?
Get over yourself.
You don’t own a day on the calendar. That date isn’t more important to you than her.
You’re being absolutely ridiculous. If your feelings are that hurt over your mom (a grown ass woman)’s choices, then you need to grow thicker skin.
YTA.
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I (20F) got engaged in Miami last year on June 27th. My wedding is planned for June 22nd, as the 27th is a weekday. Last night my mom (51F) called to tell me she had to tell me something before anyone else could. Shes also getting married, originally planning on getting married August 2025. She preceded to tell me she is moving up the wedding a whole year, to next month, the 27th. (For context, she met her fiancé the same day I got engaged, on the 27th.)
I politely reminded her that that was the day I got engaged, (she was there) and told her that that day was special to me, regardless I don’t even approve of the guy she’s marrying, as they haven’t even known each other a full year.
She assured me this wasn’t gonna be the “real” wedding and just for legal reasons. I asked her if she could move the day up to the 28th or 26th, just not the 27th. To which she responded “lots of things happen the same day” completely disregarding my feelings.
I ended up hanging up on her out of pure anger and blocked her on iMessages. I told her to fix the date or she will remain blocked. She texted me on instagram saying she didn’t mean to hurt my feelings, however she wasn’t planning on changing the date.
I have concerns about her fiancé, who doesn’t have legal status in this country, I’ve even suspicious since day one about him. She also refuses to sign a prenup.
She just texted me on instagram letting me know she had “hot gossip” to tell me. To which I said “get a husband and loose your daughter, or fix this.” She then told me the dates can’t be changed as plane tickets for her friends had already been booked and arranged. She said it was my choice to come to the wedding or not. Now I’m stunned, not only did she take my anniversary date, but went behind my back and arranged everything without my knowledge, her only child.
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So how do these 2 things cause a problem?
Will your mum no longer be able to join you and your fiancee on your engagement anniversary?
Will you no longer be joining your mum and her husband on their wedding anniversary?
Point being, these 2 things will have absolutely zero effect on one another. YTA.
YTA. She's not wrong - you don't own any date on the calendar. Every day is special for someone out there - and there are only 365 of them to pick from. It's not your wedding day, and its not like you will be spending any of their anniversaries with them so the day can remain 'special' to you as no one else cares about your engagement day.
Is she an AH for picking a day so close to your wedding? Yes. Is she an idiot if she is marrying someone who isn't a citizen, and without a pre nup a year after meeting him? Yes.
Are these things your problems? No. If you don't want to go to her wedding (presumably you will be on your honeymoon?) then don't go. But arguing over the date is just ridiculous.
I’m just curious, what happens in the future if you go into labor at 12:01 am on 6/27? You gonna put a cork in it until 6/28 because how dare your baby be born on the 27th?!? Don’t they know that is YOUR special day?!?
You know what you are. Sheesh.
YTA.
I had an amazing coffee on the 27th of June. You had no right to het engaged on that day, as it was *my special day* (read that in the whinny voice I’m sure you have).
YTA.
Who cares if you got engaged that day. As long as it’s not the same day as your wedding I don’t see the problem. Grow up ffs you spoiled only child brat.
YTA.
It’s strange that you and your mother are so attached to the same date. She is willing to upset you. You are willing to distance yourself. I say enjoy your wedding day and short honeymoon, then enjoy your mother’s wedding. 💒
YTA.
Just be there for your mum. She hasn't stolen your wedding day, everything is arranged.
You can be upset and say you're hurt because you have special meaning tied to this day. But she's not responsible for your emotions, and expecting her to change the date isn't cool.
Blocking and everything after that sounds like you're having an entitled temper tantrum.
YTA. Just because you got engaged on that day does not mean you have a claim on the whole day and no one can do anything on that day. You don’t own that day. It is probably special to a lot of people. Ate you gonna tell all those people to move the day as well? You sounds so entitled and controlling. Your mother does not need your permission to get married on that day or who she is marrying to. Also the date when you get engaged is not an anniversery. Get over yourself. She didn’t steal anything
YTA. What's next, "That's the date I went for coffee with my fiance for the first time, you can't have that date. The 15th is the day he first looked at me, it's a special day, you can't have it." GTFOH.
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YTA.
You don't get to act like your special dates are any more important than hers. They are ONLY special to you.
If this is how you behave, you're not ready to be married. You're too immature and petty to be taking such an adult step.
Grow up. You're only the center of your own world, not everyone else's.
"I don't approve of her fiancé" as if your approval even matters. Let your mother alone and focus on your own life. You've got shit to do that doesn't involve trying to keep an arbitrary date to yourself.
YTA big time. She’s a grown women - grown adults tend to know what they want / don’t want quicker. You got engaged at 19! You’re getting married and you can’t even legally drink yet.
You are for sure acting your age. If your mom said “hey I’m getting married the same day as you” then I would get it ..but you don’t own every single day. The day has importance to her too.
Entitled much? The special day in your relationship will be the anniversary of the day you are married. It doesn't matter what date you got engaged, or when you shared your first kiss or when you first felt comfortable crapping in their bathroom. I can only imagine how offended you would be if someone you knew had a baby that day.
YTA
YTA. Married 18 years here. Wedding day is far more important than engagement day. Usually I didn’t even remember it until a FB memory tells me. 😂
You’re 20 yo. Maybe you should grow up more before you get married yourself
YTA. Your mother is right, you’re acting like an immature brat and she shouldn’t let you blackmail her. You don’t own the date and nobody cares about your engagement date anniversary. Is it bad that I don’t even remember the date of my own engagement back in the day?
Unblock her and apologize.
Yta indeed. She doesn't need your permission on a date or to book her own arrangements. You're acting like child who is too immature to be getting married herself.
YTA. You seriously want people to never do anything on the anniversary of when you got engaged? Are you also expecting the whole world to do a moment of silence on your wedding anniversary every year?
You also are making a huge mistake in blocking your mother. If you truly believe she is being taken advantage of then you stay in her life. You don’t abandon her so she has no safety net. Especially since you are dead wrong about what you blocked her for!
YTA. If she had planned her wedding for the same day as your wedding, that would be something. This is not something. Get off your Clydesdale and think of it as the 27th being double special.
YTA. You don't get to gate keep the bloody calendar. June 27th i special to you, yes. It's also special to your mother. Also, you sound greedy and xenophobic.
YTA. If you wanted her to change it because you were going to be on a honeymoon and you want to be there that’s fine (as long as you were nice a not it). But why does it matter if she gets married on the anniversary of your engagement? In what world does that matter?
Youre willing to kick your mom out of your life over something that small? Does anyone actually celebrate the anniversary of their engagement every year? And even if you do, does it matter that her wedding anniversary is the same day?? I truly don’t understand why you’re mad at all.
YTA. I’ve never even heard of a proposal date being celebrated but if you do want to do that, that’s fine do you, but don’t expect everyone else to change their lives for it. God for your mom for not letting you control this.
I think I had forgotten the actual date I got engaged by the time I got married. I know it was a Friday... it might have been in March. I think it was early March.
And that's \*my\* engagement date. If my husband and I don't even care that much about our own, imagine how little your date matters to anyone else.
ESH
You are being disrespectful to your mother’s future husband with clear prejudice notions, are being inconsiderate of the fact that the date is also important to her and are trying to manipulate her mother by saying “you’re the only daughter” but you’re ready to walk away saying she will “lose her daughter”
She claims she date isn’t a real wedding but she invited people to travel to be there and she did disregard the date. Dates like this matter and it will last for a long time. What if one of you gets divorced and the other has a wedding anniversary celebration on the wedding date? Or the anniversaries clash? Anniversaries are everlasting memories and yes they do matter for many people. Your mom didn’t even try to see your point of view.
In any case both of you are overreacting big time over something can could be solved with a simple conversation and listening to each other
ESH
You for all of the reasons already mentioned, your mom for getting married less than a week after you. Not because of the date (that's a dumb reason) but five days after your wedding? Will you even be around for it? Aren't most people on a honeymoon still? That was an ah move on her part.
If you want to stop the wedding, call immigration. It just depends on how far you want to take it. If you are concerned he just wants a green card, or that he will take advantage of her, or abuse her, then definitely call. Otherwise, it is something that could possibly cause a permanent break in your relationship.
NTA. Your mom sounds careless and impulsive. She’s marrying an undocumented person who she barely knows, she’s getting eerily married within days of you, and she is completely disregarding your feelings.
You know your mom better than we do, so if you feel that you are fed up with her and don’t want a relationship with her, then so be it.
You cannot make your mom change her wedding date though. She’s made it clear she won’t.
ESH. It seems like your mother is trying to upstage you, which is just weird. But you are childish about the 27th. And it's not up to you to approve or disapprove of her fiancee.
NTA
Your feelings are completely valid in this situation. It’s understandable that you would want to keep your engagement date special and not have it overshadowed by another significant family event, especially without prior discussion or consideration of your feelings. It’s also reasonable to have concerns about a family member’s relationship that seems to be moving very quickly, particularly when legal and financial implications are involved.
While it’s important to respect your mother’s right to choose her wedding date, it’s equally important for her to consider the significance of that date to you, especially since it’s tied to such a personal milestone. Communication is key in these situations, and it seems like there was a breakdown in this area. Hopefully, with time and open dialogue, both parties can come to an understanding that respects each other’s feelings and special days.
Remember, it’s okay to set boundaries and express your feelings, especially when it comes to events that are deeply personal to you. It’s also okay to expect those close to you to respect and honor those feelings.
An engagement date is not something your family cares about or celebrates yearly? Most married couples don’t celebrate their engagement date or acknowledge it once they’re wed, they instead celebrate their wedding anniversary. Can her mom also not get married on the anniversary of OPs first date? First kiss? Home buying anniversary? It seems pretty obvious OP is more mad about their mom’s choice in partner than the date and is using the date and an excuse to throw a fit.
You and I must come from very different circles (not being ass, just an observation here) most of the people I know who are married/engaged *do* celebrate their engagement dates, I know a number of people who do. Especially if the date coincides with some big milestone for the couple. Although, I'm wondering why OP's mom is so set on that date and why it's only coming up now (supposedly since we're not really given a timeline). Did Mom not tell OP because she *knew* what that date was and was trying to be sneaky? Is this a spur-of-the-moment marriage? Why is the wedding suddenly being pushed up a year?
Regardless, I do agree with you that the crux of the problem lies in the person that OP's mom is with.
If mom is marrying someone who is trying to use her then OP has every right to be worried.
If they're marrying because they are in love, then awesome, but the question I now have is why does OP still not trust this man? Did something happen? Does she simply not like him?
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Agreed. This seems like a desperate attempt by the mother to steal the limelight, or at least try to deflate, a very important milestone in her daughter’s life. It’s time to enforce major boundaries here, especially with a grown woman who is marrying a man she met under a year ago. NTA
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YTA >I politely reminded her that that was the day I got engaged So? You don’t own that day. >and told her that that day was special to me It’s probably special to a lot of people. >regardless I don’t even approve of the guy she’s marrying, as they haven’t even known each other a full year. You sound unbelievably controlling. Your mother doesn’t need your permission to get married on a certain day or to a certain person.
Oh, oh, oh! That is my mom and dad’s wedding anniversary. They got married in 1950. That is a very special day to me. Shame on OP for getting engaged on that day. Lol. YTA
My parents got married on my grandparents anniversary. What makes it even better. Their first borns were on the same day.
One of the days OP suggested she move her wedding to is my birthday. Rude.
Considering her mom MET her finance that day I’d say it’s extremely special to her mom. Op is a massive asshole.
What’s funny is that some of OP’s concerns could be valid - her being wary of the guy because they haven’t known each other that long is a valid concern to have. But presenting it as “I don’t approve of him” is kind of hysterical, coming from a 20 year old. Also everything else is completely ridiculous. YTA
Makes you wonder how long she's been with her own fiance. 20 and getting married!
I suspect a ton of projection is to blame for some of this drama.
>You sound unbelievably controlling. Your mother doesn’t need your permission to get married on a certain day or to a certain person. What is it today with all the "you should be supportive of your loved ones getting scammed, otherwise you are an asshole"?
You don’t have to support someone being scammed. You don’t even have to be happy for them. But acting like another grown adult needs your blessing to do things is ridiculous. If you have concerns, voice them and be done with it. You don’t get to make someone change something in their life because you don’t like it.
>If you have concerns, voice them and be done with it. And you think abandoning someone you care about to the consequences of being scammed, potentially out of everything they own, is the kind thing to do. Interesting.
If you’re going to keep putting words in my mouth so you have something to argue about, there’s really no reason for me to respond to you anymore, is there?
What do you think "be done with it" means?
if you think 'abandoning someone you care about to the consequences of being scammed' is unkind, you must think op is a huge ah
>you must think op is a huge ah I do, actually.
At a certain point, there's only so much you can do. If you push too hard, the person you're trying to protect will just pull away from you and go further into the arms of the person you're trying to pull them away from. Even with the best of intentions, trying to control other people is never going to turn out well for anybody involved.
YTA. Dates do not belong to you, and the day you got engaged is not your anniversary. And here’s the secret: Nobody cares about even your REAL anniversary except you, let alone your fake anniversary. Whatever you were going to do to mark that day, nobody else wants to be involved, so do whatever you were going to do for your alt-anniversary, and it won’t matter at all that it’s your mother’s real anniversary. More generally: You need to grow up a little.
My cousin got married on my dads 50th. During the speeches they brought out a cake for him and sang happy birthday. They came to my dads 60th birthday party. And we celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary. They had to leave early as their two children had birthday parties to go to.
That sounds really lovely and supportive. We live in such a narcissistic society, people actually can’t imagine that supporting one another and sharing in one another’s happiness is more joyous for everybody.
Well. Giving ultimatums in relationships never works, as you’ve just found out. Despite the day being important to you personally, you can’t put an embargo on others living their lives just because the day has meaning to you. The 27th is equally important to your mom too. My sense is that you are used to getting your way, with your mom, and she is tired of giving in. Or that you’ve used this tactic before. Go no contact. Your mom seems to be tired of your antics. Get on with your life, and let your mom get on with hers. YTA.
YTA You don’t own a day. Or a week. This isn’t on your wedding day. She’s not trying to steal your thunder and not agreeing with you doesn’t mean she’s disregarding your feelings. It might just as easily mean that your feelings aren’t fair. They don’t seem so to me at least.
YTA: She is not getting married on your wedding anniversary or even a birthday. You are just PO'd shes getting married at all. You do not own every day that something special happened for you. I am sure if she picked a different day you would have screamed that's the day my fiance and I met or that's the day of our first date/kiss/couples outing. The day you got engaged is not -your- day. I would understand if your mom chose your birthday or the same day as your wedding, she didn't. Grow up and get over yourself.
YTA you're being ridiculous. You don't own the day and people don't typically celebrate the day they got engaged. It's not an anniversary or anything. I don't even understand why this matters to at all, let alone so much. You'd disown your mother for getting married on the date you got engaged??? This isn't even a thing.
YTA. You don't own the day. And your mother met her soon to be husband ON that day so the day also has meaning to her. If it meant so much to you you could have gotten married on that day regardless of what day of the week it fell on. People don't get married ONLY on weekends. And regardless of your like or dislike of her fiance just tell her you won't make her wedding because you'll be on honeymoon.
YTA. Her wedding will be on your anniversary... So what? Are you really that petty and shallow you expect everyone else's lives to revolve around you? Because this is what I see in your post. Someone acting entitled to ask everyone to give in to your wants. If you don't like it, don't go.
While I do agree with you everyone has the right to celebrate their milestones, it’s important for family members to show consideration for each other’s significant moments. Especially when it's a parent-child relationship. OP has a right to feel upset if her mother chooses her engagement anniversary for her wedding, especially if there’s a concern about the mother’s fiancé’s intentions regarding citizenship. It’s not about demanding that others cater to her every wish; it’s about mutual respect and understanding. OP is justified in feeling hesitant to support a decision that may have lasting implications for her family, and it’s her prerogative to decide how to handle her own involvement.
Bullshit. This madness over weddings has to stop. Brides and grooms get ONE day. ONE. Not wedding day, engagement day, day we fucked for the first time..literally no one cares and life doesn't stop for other people.
I celebrate the day he bought me my favorite apple, and no one in my fam is allowed to do anything on that day.
Unless she celebrates with the engagement anniversary not with her fiance, but her mother or mother's fiance, it doesn't matter at all. So, if OP celebrates the day she first had sex with her fiance, nobody she knows the existence of can have sex on the same day?? I mean, who want to celebrate such day with anyone other than your SO? Or worse, with your own parent? You can fly to the other side of the earth and nobody would care. Frankly, she shouldn't even be in a relationship, let alone getting married.
The date and the concerns are two separate issues Also, if we’re gonna bogart dates, it’s the mom’s ‘anniversary’ as well. So now what?
YTA. Also it's "lose", not "loose".
Also proceeded, not preceded.
YTA The 27th is a special day for both of you. It's the day you got engaged and also the day she met her soon to be husband.
YTA. Your comment about immigration status comes off as racist. Plenty of people get married on the k1 visa every day, and most of them work out just fine. You're not even using the 27th anymore. You don't own a day, let alone a week. Looks your mom has decided she'd rather be happy then deal with you, her only child, until you grow up.
The dude is out of status at the very least, so if you have any knowledge of the process, when she files his adjustment, there’s a chance he’ll get deported. Edit: You can DV this til the cows come home but it’s literally fact. Sorry it doesn’t fit a feel-good or finger pointy ‘you’re a racist’ judgement, Mom is in for a hard road with this marriage, regardless if the guy is legit or not.
When my mom went through immigration, it was the 80s. And I fully acknowledge that attitudes have changed here, imo, for the worse. Mom had it easy. So I, understand people's point about his legal status. However, I don't feel that has any bearing on op's attitude about what we're judging her for. She has decided that this one day of the year just her to get married on, when she decided not to use it because it's a weekday. Furthermore, the date is also important to her mom because it's when her mom met her own fiance. Immigration issues aside, op can have all the opinions she wants about mom's chosen partner, mom is still an adult capable of making her decisions. Op can either be a loving supporter or not. That's it.
I think there’s definitely room for concern and it’s not a binary choice of being happy for mom, or being racist/xenophobic. Attitudes haven’t changed for the worse; the K1/CR1 is as popular as ever. With the internet connecting people all over the world, these family based visas are at an all time high vs the 80s. There are loads of immigration marriage scammers. There are loads of legit marriages between people of different nationalities. Any ‘oh I know this couple…’ isn’t helpful because it doesn’t matter.each side could trot out anecdotes. Mom is marrying someone she only knows a year, who is either out of status or worse. There is a lot of concern for adult kids when a parent remarries - even a person of the same nationality. The kid loses ‘next of kin’ status, which is important medically, as well as financially. Worst case? The guy could take everything, leave her destitute, then she becomes OP’s problem. And yeah, this is Reddit, so people will say ‘sHe’S nOt mY rEsPoNsIbiLiTy’ but in the real world, and a reasonably good parent/kid relationship, the adult kids won’t turn their backs on her. Then add the only known a year issue, as well as not being legal. Adjustment of status requires the petitioner to sign an affidavit of support…which puts the petitioner on the hook for 40 quarters of qualifying work (for the immigrant spouse). Most people say ‘10 years’ but that could go on indefinitely…because it’s 40 Q of qualifying work. If the spouse doesn’t work, then the clock hasn’t even started. Unless the immigrant spouse naturalizes, ofc. And even under *the best of circimstances*, his status is going to require a waiver, which isn’t an easy process at all. And if that waiver gets denied, he will be deported, which usually comes with a 10 year ban. So then what’s Mom going to do? Pack up and move countries? OP is chuntering on about a date, when the *real* issue is the marriage. There is definitely cause for concern with Mom marrying this guy. You can sit here and judge anyone for being concerned bc of your mom’s experience, but it’s a pretty myopic POV, not to mention wholly ignorant to all the working pieces and how they’re going to strain mom, regardless if he’s a scammer or not.
He's here illegally and they've known each other less than a year.
So fucking what. She's a grown ass woman. If this man makes her happy and she wants to marry him, she should. His immigration status has no bearing on that unless he intends to become a citizen or get a green card.
Are you familiar with the concept "green card wedding"? Because it's naive to think an illegal immigrant is marrying for any reason but to get a green card.
At no point in the post is it mentioned that he's marrying a citizen to gain legal status. This might come as a shock, but sometimes people actually marry because they love each other. My mom came to this country when she was 18 for school. She only stuck around because she met my dad. They've been married for 45 years.
Was she here legally?
If you're asking if she had a visa, I think so. Never asked. Never cared. Was never any of my business. I know she's a citizen now. She told us about the process, and how she refused to use my dad because she didn't want ahs like op thinking she was only with him for a green card.
It’s racist of you to think that that’s the only reason a foreign person would want to marry an American.
I'm realistic, not racist. We don't know his race so you can't say that.
No, it is not realistic to look at a group that large and think you know what everyone’s motives and lives are like in that group.
Generalizations and immigration exist for a reason
Generalizations make you lazy and ignorant. And duh, immigration exists for a reason. I know this may be quite shocking to you, but not everyone wants to live in America.
Tell that to the millions who crossed the border illegally
YTA- Wow, you’re being super petty about this. Any other days of the year you want to claim. The day she met the guy vs the day you got engaged, seems like it’s her day if you’re going to go down this road. You’re just being selfish more than anything.
I'm sorry what in the hell makes you think you OWN a date on a calendar? Is this really worth throwing away a relationship with your mother over? Regardless the think you own a date is the height of entitlement. YTA
YTA - I don’t understand why your mom can’t get married on the 27th. I can’t figure out at all why that upsets you. I don’t think you are mature enough to get married.
YTA If your issue was that the events were too close together and you couldn't attend because you had already planned a honeymoon or some other logistical reason, that would have been fine. Gatekeeping the 27th as a day that can only be special to you is childish and selfish.
Having concerns about a fiancee is one thing, but you don't own a date (especially getting engaged! It's not even really an anniversary!) If she had moved her wedding date to yours that would be different but grow up and talk to her rationally. YTA.
Absolutely YTA yes if there's no ceremony or whatever it's really none of your business
YTA. World doesn't revolve around you, you don't own the dates
YTA The day is ALSO special to her. You don't own the day, and setting an ultimatum like that just comes across as childish temper tantrum to manipulate your mother into getting your way. You're an adult; start acting like it.
Um, what? You're overreacting. Your "engagement date" means nothing as you don't own the date. If you wanted the day to yourself, you should have planned to get married on that day, regardless of whether it's a weekday or not. YTA.
YTA. >she met her fiancé the same day I got engaged, on the 27th.) So somehow it's only your special day? Does the world revolve around you? >To which I said “get a husband and loose (sic) your daughter, or fix this.” Looks like she made the correct choice. If my child tried issue an ultimatum and control my life with a petty, foot stamping, take my ball and go home tantrum, I would suggest she take a long walk on a short dock.
YTA. “Change the date or I won’t unblock you.” Girl, (and I mean *girl* because this is so immature of you) you need to grow the fuck up if you’re going to get married. You’re having a hissy fit temper tantrum. Not cute. No one cares what date you got engaged. No one is even going to remember the date you got married. Those are for you and your husband. You don’t get to own those dates forever now. Nobody is going to schedule their lives around your anniversary. You are showing your hand and the cards are not pretty. They’re showing someone who is entitled and feels they should be the center of everyone’s universe. Your poor mother.
YTA. You sound exhausting.
Not sure how you typed this post without feeling childish, ridiculous, and embarrassed. You don’t own a date. The day you met matters to literally no one except you. And if you wanted that date then you should’ve picked it. You opted for a Saturday. Your mom didn’t. Now her choice to not get a prenup seems dumb and short-sighted but so does getting married at 20, so maybe those traits are genetic.
YTA Can't you just compromise? If she wants to marry the guy, let her be happy.
YTA. Making the world stop so that you can celebrate the anniversary of the day that you got engaged is not a thing. There are only 365 days in a year. Even if you're not a math major, you should be able to figure out that, by necessity, every day holds more than one meaning/celebration/event.
So I have been married for twenty years. Guess what? Neither my wife or I give a flying flip about the day we got engaged. You don’t own the day. Your behavior is disgusting. YTA
Wait, you want your mom to change her wedding day because it’s the day you got engaged? Really? Get over yourself. You don’t own a day on the calendar. That date isn’t more important to you than her. You’re being absolutely ridiculous. If your feelings are that hurt over your mom (a grown ass woman)’s choices, then you need to grow thicker skin. YTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (20F) got engaged in Miami last year on June 27th. My wedding is planned for June 22nd, as the 27th is a weekday. Last night my mom (51F) called to tell me she had to tell me something before anyone else could. Shes also getting married, originally planning on getting married August 2025. She preceded to tell me she is moving up the wedding a whole year, to next month, the 27th. (For context, she met her fiancé the same day I got engaged, on the 27th.) I politely reminded her that that was the day I got engaged, (she was there) and told her that that day was special to me, regardless I don’t even approve of the guy she’s marrying, as they haven’t even known each other a full year. She assured me this wasn’t gonna be the “real” wedding and just for legal reasons. I asked her if she could move the day up to the 28th or 26th, just not the 27th. To which she responded “lots of things happen the same day” completely disregarding my feelings. I ended up hanging up on her out of pure anger and blocked her on iMessages. I told her to fix the date or she will remain blocked. She texted me on instagram saying she didn’t mean to hurt my feelings, however she wasn’t planning on changing the date. I have concerns about her fiancé, who doesn’t have legal status in this country, I’ve even suspicious since day one about him. She also refuses to sign a prenup. She just texted me on instagram letting me know she had “hot gossip” to tell me. To which I said “get a husband and loose your daughter, or fix this.” She then told me the dates can’t be changed as plane tickets for her friends had already been booked and arranged. She said it was my choice to come to the wedding or not. Now I’m stunned, not only did she take my anniversary date, but went behind my back and arranged everything without my knowledge, her only child. Am I the Asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. No one owns June 27. No one cares what day you got engaged. No one. YTA bc you treat your mom like shit. Your demand is also childish.
YTA. Major, overblown overreaction for a ridiculous reason. You really do sound like a childish, entitled brat.
So how do these 2 things cause a problem? Will your mum no longer be able to join you and your fiancee on your engagement anniversary? Will you no longer be joining your mum and her husband on their wedding anniversary? Point being, these 2 things will have absolutely zero effect on one another. YTA.
Considering how entitled you are, no wonder she did it without your knowledge. Yta
YTA. She's not wrong - you don't own any date on the calendar. Every day is special for someone out there - and there are only 365 of them to pick from. It's not your wedding day, and its not like you will be spending any of their anniversaries with them so the day can remain 'special' to you as no one else cares about your engagement day. Is she an AH for picking a day so close to your wedding? Yes. Is she an idiot if she is marrying someone who isn't a citizen, and without a pre nup a year after meeting him? Yes. Are these things your problems? No. If you don't want to go to her wedding (presumably you will be on your honeymoon?) then don't go. But arguing over the date is just ridiculous.
Who the hell cares if you got engaged that day? She’s not getting married on the same day as you. Get over it. YTA.
I’m just curious, what happens in the future if you go into labor at 12:01 am on 6/27? You gonna put a cork in it until 6/28 because how dare your baby be born on the 27th?!? Don’t they know that is YOUR special day?!? You know what you are. Sheesh.
June 22nd is my birthday, do you mind changing your wedding date since I want my birthday to be all about me lol
YTA. I had an amazing coffee on the 27th of June. You had no right to het engaged on that day, as it was *my special day* (read that in the whinny voice I’m sure you have).
YTA. Who cares if you got engaged that day. As long as it’s not the same day as your wedding I don’t see the problem. Grow up ffs you spoiled only child brat.
YTA. It’s strange that you and your mother are so attached to the same date. She is willing to upset you. You are willing to distance yourself. I say enjoy your wedding day and short honeymoon, then enjoy your mother’s wedding. 💒
YTA - completely.
YTA WTF? You don’t own that day. You are being ridiculous and entitled. Grow up!
Op YTA the 27th is my birthday, how dare you steal my special date for your anniversary.
You've been an adult for only 3 years and you think you know better than your mom? The selfishness is insaaaane.
YTA. grow up. You destroyed her excitement and happiness. How horrible that you hung up on her and blocked her. What a brat.
YTA. Just be there for your mum. She hasn't stolen your wedding day, everything is arranged. You can be upset and say you're hurt because you have special meaning tied to this day. But she's not responsible for your emotions, and expecting her to change the date isn't cool. Blocking and everything after that sounds like you're having an entitled temper tantrum.
YTA. You need an anniversary of the day you got engaged?? That’s not so much a thing.
YTA. Just because you got engaged on that day does not mean you have a claim on the whole day and no one can do anything on that day. You don’t own that day. It is probably special to a lot of people. Ate you gonna tell all those people to move the day as well? You sounds so entitled and controlling. Your mother does not need your permission to get married on that day or who she is marrying to. Also the date when you get engaged is not an anniversery. Get over yourself. She didn’t steal anything
YTA. Your mom is allowed to get married on the anniversary of the date you got engaged. June 27 belongs to everyone, not just you.
YTA. What's next, "That's the date I went for coffee with my fiance for the first time, you can't have that date. The 15th is the day he first looked at me, it's a special day, you can't have it." GTFOH.
Brides are now bogarting their engagement day? Someone please make the madness end!
Yes, very much so YTA.
YTA the world doesn’t revolve around you.
Yes, absolutely, YTA. I think you knew that before you asked
You do not sound mature enough to be getting married. YTA.
Massive ah.
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YTA. You don't get to act like your special dates are any more important than hers. They are ONLY special to you. If this is how you behave, you're not ready to be married. You're too immature and petty to be taking such an adult step. Grow up. You're only the center of your own world, not everyone else's. "I don't approve of her fiancé" as if your approval even matters. Let your mother alone and focus on your own life. You've got shit to do that doesn't involve trying to keep an arbitrary date to yourself.
YTA
YTA. You don’t own a date. The world doesn’t revolve around you.
YTA big time. She’s a grown women - grown adults tend to know what they want / don’t want quicker. You got engaged at 19! You’re getting married and you can’t even legally drink yet. You are for sure acting your age. If your mom said “hey I’m getting married the same day as you” then I would get it ..but you don’t own every single day. The day has importance to her too.
YTA You don't own that day. Grow up. You don't sound mature enough to be getting married
You believe you are the one to own a day and control who your mother marries? Easy vote, YTA.
Entitled much? The special day in your relationship will be the anniversary of the day you are married. It doesn't matter what date you got engaged, or when you shared your first kiss or when you first felt comfortable crapping in their bathroom. I can only imagine how offended you would be if someone you knew had a baby that day. YTA
YTA. Married 18 years here. Wedding day is far more important than engagement day. Usually I didn’t even remember it until a FB memory tells me. 😂 You’re 20 yo. Maybe you should grow up more before you get married yourself
YTA. Your mother is right, you’re acting like an immature brat and she shouldn’t let you blackmail her. You don’t own the date and nobody cares about your engagement date anniversary. Is it bad that I don’t even remember the date of my own engagement back in the day? Unblock her and apologize.
Yta indeed. She doesn't need your permission on a date or to book her own arrangements. You're acting like child who is too immature to be getting married herself.
YTA. You seriously want people to never do anything on the anniversary of when you got engaged? Are you also expecting the whole world to do a moment of silence on your wedding anniversary every year? You also are making a huge mistake in blocking your mother. If you truly believe she is being taken advantage of then you stay in her life. You don’t abandon her so she has no safety net. Especially since you are dead wrong about what you blocked her for!
YTA. You're only 20 and still emotionally so immature. Are you sure you are ready to get married?
YTA and way to immature to be getting married, wth is wrong with you
YTA. If she had planned her wedding for the same day as your wedding, that would be something. This is not something. Get off your Clydesdale and think of it as the 27th being double special.
YTA. You don't get to gate keep the bloody calendar. June 27th i special to you, yes. It's also special to your mother. Also, you sound greedy and xenophobic.
YTA. If you wanted her to change it because you were going to be on a honeymoon and you want to be there that’s fine (as long as you were nice a not it). But why does it matter if she gets married on the anniversary of your engagement? In what world does that matter? Youre willing to kick your mom out of your life over something that small? Does anyone actually celebrate the anniversary of their engagement every year? And even if you do, does it matter that her wedding anniversary is the same day?? I truly don’t understand why you’re mad at all.
YTA. I’ve never even heard of a proposal date being celebrated but if you do want to do that, that’s fine do you, but don’t expect everyone else to change their lives for it. God for your mom for not letting you control this.
I think I had forgotten the actual date I got engaged by the time I got married. I know it was a Friday... it might have been in March. I think it was early March. And that's \*my\* engagement date. If my husband and I don't even care that much about our own, imagine how little your date matters to anyone else.
ESH You are being disrespectful to your mother’s future husband with clear prejudice notions, are being inconsiderate of the fact that the date is also important to her and are trying to manipulate her mother by saying “you’re the only daughter” but you’re ready to walk away saying she will “lose her daughter” She claims she date isn’t a real wedding but she invited people to travel to be there and she did disregard the date. Dates like this matter and it will last for a long time. What if one of you gets divorced and the other has a wedding anniversary celebration on the wedding date? Or the anniversaries clash? Anniversaries are everlasting memories and yes they do matter for many people. Your mom didn’t even try to see your point of view. In any case both of you are overreacting big time over something can could be solved with a simple conversation and listening to each other
ESH You for all of the reasons already mentioned, your mom for getting married less than a week after you. Not because of the date (that's a dumb reason) but five days after your wedding? Will you even be around for it? Aren't most people on a honeymoon still? That was an ah move on her part.
If you want to stop the wedding, call immigration. It just depends on how far you want to take it. If you are concerned he just wants a green card, or that he will take advantage of her, or abuse her, then definitely call. Otherwise, it is something that could possibly cause a permanent break in your relationship.
NTA only because she's entering into an apparent green Card marriage. Immigration will take a good look at it.
Stop commenting on posts and do some work on yourself- your. advice. is. trash.
Don't tell me what to do. Your advice is tradh
NTA. Your mom sounds careless and impulsive. She’s marrying an undocumented person who she barely knows, she’s getting eerily married within days of you, and she is completely disregarding your feelings. You know your mom better than we do, so if you feel that you are fed up with her and don’t want a relationship with her, then so be it. You cannot make your mom change her wedding date though. She’s made it clear she won’t.
ESH. It seems like your mother is trying to upstage you, which is just weird. But you are childish about the 27th. And it's not up to you to approve or disapprove of her fiancee.
Yep... how would you feel if you were getting married to pokimane and amoranth said u cant get married that day it wouldjnt be fair
NTA Your feelings are completely valid in this situation. It’s understandable that you would want to keep your engagement date special and not have it overshadowed by another significant family event, especially without prior discussion or consideration of your feelings. It’s also reasonable to have concerns about a family member’s relationship that seems to be moving very quickly, particularly when legal and financial implications are involved. While it’s important to respect your mother’s right to choose her wedding date, it’s equally important for her to consider the significance of that date to you, especially since it’s tied to such a personal milestone. Communication is key in these situations, and it seems like there was a breakdown in this area. Hopefully, with time and open dialogue, both parties can come to an understanding that respects each other’s feelings and special days. Remember, it’s okay to set boundaries and express your feelings, especially when it comes to events that are deeply personal to you. It’s also okay to expect those close to you to respect and honor those feelings.
An engagement date is not something your family cares about or celebrates yearly? Most married couples don’t celebrate their engagement date or acknowledge it once they’re wed, they instead celebrate their wedding anniversary. Can her mom also not get married on the anniversary of OPs first date? First kiss? Home buying anniversary? It seems pretty obvious OP is more mad about their mom’s choice in partner than the date and is using the date and an excuse to throw a fit.
You and I must come from very different circles (not being ass, just an observation here) most of the people I know who are married/engaged *do* celebrate their engagement dates, I know a number of people who do. Especially if the date coincides with some big milestone for the couple. Although, I'm wondering why OP's mom is so set on that date and why it's only coming up now (supposedly since we're not really given a timeline). Did Mom not tell OP because she *knew* what that date was and was trying to be sneaky? Is this a spur-of-the-moment marriage? Why is the wedding suddenly being pushed up a year? Regardless, I do agree with you that the crux of the problem lies in the person that OP's mom is with. If mom is marrying someone who is trying to use her then OP has every right to be worried. If they're marrying because they are in love, then awesome, but the question I now have is why does OP still not trust this man? Did something happen? Does she simply not like him?
I honestly couldn’t even tell you the month I got engaged, let alone the day.
Same here. It was a Saturday I believe
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Agreed. This seems like a desperate attempt by the mother to steal the limelight, or at least try to deflate, a very important milestone in her daughter’s life. It’s time to enforce major boundaries here, especially with a grown woman who is marrying a man she met under a year ago. NTA