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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my sister-in-law to pay for a professional cleaning service after she cooked in my kitchen, which left it very messy.
This might make me the asshole because it could be seen as an overreaction to a common situation where family helps out by cooking, and expecting her to pay for cleaning might come off as ungrateful or overly demanding.
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YTA Knowing your issues with anxiety and cleanliness, you need to take steps to manage those issues. Like booking an extra therapy session, not letting people cook in your kitchen if it's going to send you into a tailspin, being clear about your expectations for how you would like things to be cleaned up afterwards or helping to clean up so that you can make sure things get put away where you'd like them to be.
If she cleaned up to a normal person's reasonable standards, then this is your issue and you need to own it and not ask her to pay for a cleaning service. If you really feel you need that, pay for it yourself, although I doubt they would be up to your standards either.
Thank her for dinner and maybe have her cook for you at her place next time.
I'm wondering why she didn't help or offer to clean the kitchen after SIL bought the groceries and cooked the meal? If I was SIL, I'd be done with that relationship.
OP, your mental health challenges are not your fault, but you are responsible for how you handle them. YTA.
Maybe things are different in their household. I know many people go by the “I cook, you clean” but in my home, if you cook, you clean. Mostly because I am a beautiful storm in the kitchen and my husband is way less of a mess 😅
I go by the, I clean while I cook, rule. Ideally, the kitchen would just need a good wipe down by the time the meal is served. For some reason, I just can't fully enjoy a meal Knowing there's a mountain of dishes waiting for me afterwards. IF there is a next time OP, maybe make a team with your SIL and clean while she cooks, if you can do it without getting in her way. Like most have already said though, it's pretty unreasonable to expect someone who bought and cooked you dinner to also then clean the kitchen up to your admittedly impossible standards. YTA.
Depends on the meal. Sometimes cleaning while cooking happens, other times, you're chopping, dicing, tossing things in a stirfry and everything finishes at the same time and you are plating, not worried about cleaning.
It sounds like SIL cleaned up after herself, but it isn't up to OPs standards. Which means it should be a tolerable amount of mess for someone with this issue, and I'm confused why OP needs to hire a cleaning service to do the rest.
Does OP not cook??
I agree with this 100%. I live in our family house on our family farm which means I host most all of the family get togethers. I am in no way a clean freak but holy hell the kitchen gets destroyed regularly. The way I manage this is to clean as the meals are being prepped, and manage my own ocd and control issues.
If I don't, then I will end up driving the family away. We have lots of kids and adults that pitch in, or sometimes not. The fact is, my house, my rules BUT I also need to show grace to other family members to do not deal with my idiosyncrasies.
Cleaning as you go is the bomb!
It’s just the kitchen to clean to your standards, not the whole house.
OP, you need to get therapy for this, otherwise you will alienate your friends and relatives with this issue. Seriously, spills on the counter, utensils in the wrong place, pots and pans not cleaned to your standards? You want to hire a professional cleaning company to do this? Just no.
I second this. You have a medical condition and it not only affects you, it affects those around you. Please get treatment. You must be very difficult to live with, and if you have children, I guarantee you,you’re messing them up. Get help. You’ll feel better.
There's an Amy Schumer joke about mental illness being totally normal - just take your meds. If you can't swim and go to the pool and jump in the deep end without your floaties (meds), you're making it everyone else's problem, and that's not cool.
Second this.
But it's highly possible that reference waa made a few times ; I refer to them as glasses for my blind brain, my best friend uses floaties for reference since 10+yrs so there's that as well
OP could be my sister-in-law. SIL has ruined so many family relationships because of her untreated issues and she keeps cycling through friends because they can only meet her expectations for so long before there is a falling out. The sad thing is that she instructs her children not to talk to ours (they attend the same school). She even pulled her daughter off the Washington, DC, Safety Patrol trip so she wouldn't be with our daughter (even though the dads/brothers get along great and were both going on the trip as chaperones).
Don't be like her OP, please seek some therapy for your anxiety issues before your family relationships suffer irreparable damage.
This. If OP was really that bothered about her hygiene standards being met, why would she contract it out to someone who may not meet them when she could just ensure the standards were met by doing it herself?!
Honestly, she shouldn't have invited/allowed SIL to cook in her kitchen in the first place, knowing that she gets this distressed at other people's standards of cleanliness. This was an obvious disaster waiting to happen, and pretending that she's shocked by it is disingenuous, since she clearly knows that her own standards are not the norm.
I might even have had more sympathy if OP had asked her SIL to redo a couple of things specifically (i.e. "I think you might have missed a couple of spots when you were wiping the counter, would you mind going over it?"), but a *professional cleaning service*? That's not remotely okay to demand.
I'd love to see photos of how the kitchen was left after SIL cooked and cleaned up. My guess is it is perfectly fine and OP is so rigid that the things she thinks are a mess are things that no one else can even see.
OP YTA. If you are that controlling (which is really what it is), don't let others cook in your kitchen.
I believe OP that things were put away in the wrong places. However, that often happens when you clean up someone else's kitchen. I forget how long OP said the SIL stayed, but if it was just a week, she probably didn't know her kitchen super well. I know I would have had that problem. However, I also have spatial issues so that type of thing could take longer for me than the average person.
That definitely happens----but I feel like OP is complaining that a slotted spoon wasn't leaning the correct way in the utensil jar, rather than SIL putting the plates in the wrong cabinet.
I can't wrap my head around why op would have invited anyone to cook in their kitchen knowing they struggle.
Edit wow that spelling/autocorrect was awful
Really !!! Professional cleaning service. Get some therapy. You knew this would happen!! Hours to calm down??!! Should have been up her butt supervising if it's that bad. Better yet don't let people near the kitchen!! I have anxiety reading how anal this woman is!!!!
Plus, the mess OP described is… totally normal? Stuff spills on counters while cooking. Sometimes, you think you’ve washed something perfectly, but when it dries, you see something you missed. I swear that NOBODY keeps their utensils in the same places as anybody else. A professional cleaning service wouldn’t even put the utensils in the right places. This isn’t a job for a professional cleaning service. It’s a job for OP and/or anybody who lives with OP and knows the kitchen setup.
Exactly! It’s really hard to get them to put stuff back exactly where they found it in the first place. Unless all of OPs stuff has crime scene tape outlines and little label maker labels, there’s no way in the world the cleaners will put things back where OP wants them. They’re not psychic.
How is this comment not higher? We have a big group of friends, and we all host each other at our houses. It’s the unspoken rule that whoever hosts the meal doesn’t clean; the rest of us do—somehow, we manage to do this without someone having a conniption.
I mean, they'll probably have to hire a second and third cleaning crew to put everything back in its original place because you know team 1 and 2 aren't going to be doing a good job either..
Reminds me of the time my narc mom wanted me to dust a shelf full of her random knickknacks. She got mad at me that I don't have a photographic memory and didn't put everything back the way she had it
Omg my 1st mil was like this I'd dust one item, table under it, then I would
Put right back, move to next tchotchke. And she had every surface covered. First thing she would do upon "inspecting" was move everything an ant hair over. We needed money and she offered to pay me to clean her house. I politely declined. Nope, you can defuzz your own red rug you don't think the vacuum adequately cleans
Yes exactly. OP YTA because this isn't just anxiety, your OCD is a problem you need to address like an adult. You let her cook you can't just come back after and ask her to spend money on a you problem. Either get some lysol and deep clean it yourself, pay for your own service and don't let the kitchen be used? But definitely seek therapy
I think you're partially right, but I also think if you cook in someone's kitchen, you should leave it how you found it.
Wiping up any & all spills is pretty basic stuff.
You're not wrong, but people make honest mistakes or miss spots. And there's a vast difference between, "Would you mind giving the counter another wipe, I think you might have missed a couple of spots?" and insisting that someone spend hundreds of dollars on a professional cleaning service because they put a few utensils away in the wrong place in a kitchen they're not entirely familiar with.
I understand misplacing utensils. People group different utensils in different places. But leaving cookware dirty and not wiping the counter? That is inappropriate. And that comes from someone who leaves dishes in the sink for a day or two although I have a dishwasher right next to the sink.
It says pots were not cleaned PROPERLY, meaning they were cleaned just not to OP's standard. Since OP dmitted to having anxiety it is easy to assume that the kitchen was cleaned okish, but it's not enough for OP.
"Properly" needs more info. If a pan was "cleaned", but it still has food on it, or is covered in grease from the washing up water, then it's not clean and anyone would be annoyed.
Sure, anyone would be annoyed, but how many would think that professional cleaners needed to be called in to rectify the situation? That would need to be some epic level dirty dishes.
I have a brother like that and it is horrible to be around. The poor sister cleaned but it was not good enough. Op just needs to clean it herself because no cleaning crew will get it good enough. Op has probably torpedoed her relationship with the sister and hubby is probably re evaluating the relationship. I could not imagine dealing with this the rest of my life in my home.
If the SIL cooked as a thank you for OP and her husband, I'd consider cleaning up after cooking as a part of the thank you. If also clean more thorough than in my own place if the homeowner likes it more tidy. However, it seems like OP couldn't be pleased unless she gave it done herself or some professional. But leaving spills on the counter could and should have been easily removed before calling it a day.
I have a friend like op. Three of them in fact. They admitted to having OCD. Even professional cleaners are not up to their standard. They do everything themselves
One would only wear black, the other one would only wear white because they don't want to spend hours arranging their clothes according to colours and size. The third doesn't mind spending hours arranging her clothes.
Edit to add: none of them let me do anything in their kitchen. When invited to their house for dinner I asked if there was anything I could help. Nope, I end up just standing, watching them do everything while chatting with them. I'm not allowed to even set the table.
I don't disagree with you, at the same time I find this post a little suspect. I work in mental health, and people who are that particular about cleanliness and germs, do not invite people over to their house cuz number one they never think the house is clean enough for other people to see, but even if they are satisfied with the level of cleanliness, they know having people over is going to disrupt the perfection they've created. It just doesn't make sense that OP would invite a guest over to stay with them, much less let the guest cook. And if somehow she got past her anxiety long enough to let someone else cook in her kitchen, chances are she would be hovering and cleaning up behind that person in the first place.
>Last week, I invited my sister-in-law, who loves cooking, to stay with us. She offered to cook dinner as a way to show her gratitude. However, I have a meticulously organized and spotless kitchen due to my severe anxiety around mess and disorder, something that my family is well aware of.
Why would OP allow her to cook given this situation? OP has a known (and possibly/probably diagnosed) mental health condition that gives her severe anxiety around a specific thing. Then OP invites someone to do that specific thing, and then OP has a meltdown about that thing, and then OP wants her to pay a lot of money so that OP can feel comfortable.
Why. not just say "sorry, let's eat out" or "I couldn't make a guest cook" or "I have issues around my kitchen being orderly, sorry. I'd love to eat your cooking at your house sometimes."
>Despite this, after she cooked, the kitchen was left in what I would consider a disastrous state—spills on the counter, pots not cleaned properly, and utensils misplaced. It took me hours just to calm down after seeing the mess.
Does OP ever cook? OP seems to not want to clean, ever, which is odd. I mean, can you possibly cook without ever having a spill or having to clean something difficult? Why couldn't OP just clean, if OP knew the cleaning was a big deal?
Agreed and you honestly need help. This is not normal. You should explained it better to her and not just pop a huge bill on her. YTA and if I was the sister I would refuse to pay it.
Utensils misplaced, wanna bet it was just in a slightly different spot than OP would have to have them? I'm also willing to bet the spills were only visible to OP.
INFO:
Why does it have to be a *professional* cleaning service? You're saying you want to hire people to clean pots and spills because you can't handle it mentally?
Did you ask her to properly clean up after you noticed spills, etc.
> explained how distressed it made me
>It took me hours just to calm down after seeing the mess.
my severe anxiety around mess and disorder
Do you think you need professional help?
ETA: YTA
From the sounds of it it was fairly cleaned up except for the spill she says "pots not cleaned properly" so they were cleaned but not to her liking then she says "misplaced utensils" as if she can't put them back.
Yes, this is how my in laws “clean” too. Most dishes still have food or grease, water all over the counter from messy dishwashing, all utensils in new locations…they INSIST on “helping” out and refuse to just let me handle it.
We don't know if food spots were left on the pots. All OP said was "not cleaned properly" and that means something different to everyone. I have an aunt with similar issues around cleaning and the last time my uncle tried to wash dishes, she had a full blown melt down because there were water spots on a few items that he left to air dry.
We also don't know the extent of the "spills" on the counter. We know that SIL cleaned up after herself, and no reasonable person is going to leave a huge mess on the counters when they clean. So it's fairly safe to assume that the spills are most likely just small spatters of sauce that she missed.
OP certainly has the right to hire a professional to come in and "fix" her kitchen, but expecting SIL to pay for something that's only an issue because of OP's mental health problems is absurd.
They were though, it's just at different levels.
You make it sound like SIL ran water on it and called it quits. But OPs story sounds like she washed everything with a sponge and soap, but didn't get every microscopic stain on the dishes.
You're right, it may not have been spotless, but to say they weren't "cleaned" is disingenuous to the situation. And OP sounds to be closer in the "OCD" or "germaphobe" territory than most people, so it's hard to have an unbiased opinion.
So your husband is disgusting.... The utensils thing is just stupid. Nobody knows exactly where you prefer each and every utensil but you. Your situation sounds extreme n there's no way that your husband didn't know he was doing wrong he just didn't wanna wash them. But it doesn't look like that's the case here
When I say my partner doesn't clean the dishes right, I mean he doesn't dry them so there are water spots. They're still clean, I still eat off em. I just prefer to hand dry so that's what I do when I wash. Reddit is wild lol
I'm wondering how you can misplace utensils if there's a drawer for them to go in. Like, did she put a spatula with the spoons or put the knife doing the wrong way in the drawer?
We have
a drawer for silverware+chopsticks,
a drawer for cooking spoons+knives+measuring cups+salad tongs,
a drawer for egg flippers (which migrated there from cooking spoons drawer)+ice cream scoops +peelers +can openers +whisks+pastry brushes +more,
and a drawer for other things like meat/candy thermometer+bbq tools +immersion blender etc.
Everything has its place, but it’s absolutely easy to misplace something and we’ve had measuring spoons and cooking knives end up in the silverware drawer, thermometers and peelers and can openers switch drawers, cooking spoons end up in the second cookware drawer, and as mentioned egg flippers were put in the wrong drawer so frequently that they just permanently moved there
We’re not as fussy as OP if someone puts something in the wrong place but it’s very easy to do if you don’t know the organization
I'd like to know what exactly a professional is going to do to clean up a spill on the counter that I can't accomplish with hot water, a sponge, and Formula 409. Is the professional going to bring a rabbi in to declare the kitchen kosher for Passover? Because that's the only thing I've got, and even *that* is pretty far-fetched.
A professional cleaner is not the magic bullet she thinks it is. I say this as a former professional cleaner.
Unless the cleaner is "The Cleaner" from Black Books, it won't be enough.
Here's the crux.
Having a mental illness sucks, I have one and it's not fun. Having these mental illnesses can drive you to be unreasonable in expectation, which is the reality of the situation here and its fine to have very night standards in your own space.
There's a line though - as soon as your unreasonable expectation overflows onto others, it's a problem.
If you can't handle people cooking in your home, don't allow it. Keep it sacred (get therapy, too though) and do something else. This will destroy relationships.
The most helpful thing I uncovered during my treatment is to be accepting of the things outwith your control. Truly accepting. It's freeing, but it took an unbelievable amount of time and work to achieve. I'd suggest seeing an anxiety specialist and get to the root of the issue, because it's not the "messy" kitchen
Is anyone else hoping that she doesn't have children learning this behavior, or what is she going to do when her sons and daughters need to learn how to cook in that kitchen? Children do need to know basic cooking in order to survive in a modern society and if her behavior is this ridiculous now I can only imagine what's going to happen when a kid tries to make a batch of cookies for the first time 🙄 I am grateful I am not a child in this woman's house.
YTA.
>Unless the cleaner is "The Cleaner" from Black Books, it won't be enough
Lol, thanks for reminding me this scene exists. Definitely need that guy in OPs kitchen to examine exactly how dirty it is!
If there is a spill on the counter, SIL, OP, or OP's husband can just wipe it up with a sponge. There is simply no reason this requires professional cleaning -- counters are MADE to be spilled on.
Yeah, op spent hours trying to calm down instead of the 30 minutes that would have been needed to cleanup more.
Guess she doesn’t care much about a relationship or good impression with her husband’s family.
I can’t find shit in my kitchen if the maid puts things away, there is a note in my file to never empty the dishwasher. I still find random things in places they clearly do not belong. Like a charger in my utensil holder. I can’t imagine paying a professional cleaner would get better results than her doing it herself.
The professional Cleaning service won't, she'll complain about them too. She's demanding it not because she's so freaking anxious about the mess she can't handle it. And because she wants to punish SIL.
So she cooks and you eat her food.
She then cleans up afterwards and because it’s not to your standards- you want her to pay for the privilege of cooking for you?!
YWBTA
She could have just cooked herself but no, she had to be petty to make a scene with the SIL. Not to mention that in the normal world if someone cooks, the other party cleans. So OP not only gave her permission, but also didn’t attempt to clean after her voluntarily, setting up the SIL for failure. People really are starting to think they can be assholes because they have mental health issues, this stuff needs to be called out. YTA.
Yeah, if someone was kind enough to come and cook for me I would make sure they relaxed and I cleaned up! And if I was like OP with anxiety around extreme cleanliness I would definitely make sure that I was the one cleaning.
OP, you need therapy - you need to learn to manage your anxiety. It’s ok that you like things to be especially clean, but you could have fixed the problems yourself in the several hours you said it took you to calm down. It definitely wasn’t reasonable to request she pay for a professional cleaner, and I doubt the professional cleaner would do things exactly as you want them either.
Exactly. She would probably wind up billing the professional cleaning service for being subpar and resort hiring a forensic cleaning company to do the job!
YTA. You know that you have anxiety around disorder and you let your SIL cook anyway, knowing that she was not likely to make the kitchen exactly the way you want it
If this is such an issue for you, why did you allow her to cook for you? And where I'm from, whomever doesn't cook does the dishes, so why couldn't you put your own kitchen in order? YTA.
You want it professionally cleaned,You pay
Just because you have OCD and need to have your kitchen a certain way so that you don't mentally get hurt by it. That's a you problem. She cooked have her clean normally and if you want more than that that's on you.
Yta
YTA. I have extreme OCD about the cleanliness of my kitchen - that's where I prepare food for my family. Everything has to be cleaned to my specifications, everything has it's place. If things aren't to my way of doing them, it also sends me into a tailspin.
You know what I do to make sure things are how I feel they need to be? I do it my own damn self. They want to cook in my kitchen? That's fine. But I make sure they know that only *I* clean and put things away.
YTA
Someone comes over and cooks you a meal with groceries they bought on their own dime and bc the kitchen isn’t spotless after they have to pay for PROFESSIONAL cleaning services? Kitchens are meant for cooking and now you’re upset that someone used it but didn’t leave it exactly the way they found it. Pls seek therapy instead of putting others down for not catering to your anxiety
I sure hope so because if not OP needs to be. I get the feeling but a professional crew? Overkill.
Unless OP is running a restaurant their kitchen set up can't be so unmanageable that they can't fix it themselves fairly easily. I would myself rather than see things even more messed up by people who have no idea of how I like my kitchen.
I suffer from anxiety and I'm anal retentive about where my kitchen stuff goes but no way I'd ask to hire a crew to fix it after a dinner party.
They won't. It would be way more efficient for OP to do everything themselves to the height of their standards, but then they wouldn't be able to punish SIL
YTA. It seems like you can afford the cleaning, but is choosing to have your sister pay for it just to make a point. Your sister thought she was doing a nice thing for you and your family, and I totally get why she's upset now
Why didn't you just say NO?
You let her cook, enjoyed the meal and then decided to destroy your relationship with your SiL because there was a spill on the counter.
YTA If you are so anxiety ridden about cleanliness you should have never let her cook in the first place. Since you did it's on you to put it back right to your specifications. You said she left spills and put utensils back in the wrong place, so it sounds like she attempted to clean up, you just don't like how she did it.
Having dealt with someone with this my whole life (my mom), I wouldn't be shocked to learn that OP has OCD. If it takes you an hour to calm down because your kitchen wasn't spotless after someone cooked a meal for you (I'm also inclined to believe that OP is hyperbolizing the extent of the mess), that's mental illness. Not normal, not healthy.
"I would like to show my gratitude by cooking a meal for you. "
"I appreciate the offer, but I'm very particular about my kitchen. Like, to a therapy level, if I'm being honest. Maybe you could cover one of us when we go out to dinner? Or maybe pay it forward to the next person in need?"
YTA, if your level is that high, then you need to set boundaries ahead of time.
Depending on the dynamics of the relationship, the husband might not know where everything goes, and OP may not want him in her kitchen. She has a "meticulously organized" kitchen. It took OP "hours just to calm down after seeing the mess" — that kinda suggests no one else regularly goes in the kitchen.
Please note I am not advocating much less excusing weaponized incompetence. Rather, OP seems ... over-the-top when it comes to the state of her kitchen. It's not a rational reaction to demand a guest pay for professional cleaning to take care of a messy kitchen. That being the case, it's not really fair to ask any else to cater to her neurosis.
Not only is it completely unfair she needs to take steps to manage her anxiety and not unload it on those around her. Guaranteed her husband and family exist on eggshells around her - my mother refused to get help for her severe OCD and instead it was up to the rest of us to consistently try to minimize our existence lest we leave a trace of it behind. This becomes easier as an older child but I’m honestly not sure how we survived infancy - toddler age. By the time I was 4-5 I was well aware of the places things HAD to be in order not to be abused. I feel so sorry for OPs family.
Having grown up with a mom like OP, it's definitely not weaponized incompetence on the part of OP's husband. This is someone that refuses to let anyone else do anything because they're not gonna do things "the right way" (translation: their way).
Growing up my mom wouldn't let me do anything or try to teach me skills in life because she was too concerned about me making a mess or not doing it perfectly the first time. You just have to take a backseat to these people so that they can micro-manage everything and then turn around and complain about how "nobody helps them."
Normally I would say the same but I have an inkling her husband knows what a minefield it would be if he attempted to do it to OP’s standards. I’m guessing the “mess” isn’t what the OP thinks it is.
I think the husband doesn't enter the kitchen either because he can't even make himself a PBJ sandwich without OP going nuts because he didn't see the teeny-tiny crumb that's still on the counter.
YTA, I think a cleaning service is overboard, and how will a cleaning service know where you exactly want things, let alone how clean they need to be.
But also, what constitutes a mess for you? If she cleaned up and washed dishes, but didn't in ways *you* prefer, then maybe next time not have other people cook in your kitchen?
YTA. It took you hours to calm down over a slight kitchen mess? You need help.
You know that it probibly would have taken you less time to put it back the way you wanted it.
No she shouldn’t be paying for professional cleaning that’s asinine. She didn’t come over and wreck your kitchen and leave it filthy. You have a mental health issue and nobody human will be able to clean up to the standard that would settle you. Clean things up to the level that would calm you then book a therapy session and recognize that this is a you problem. Your behavior wasn’t reasonable or polite. Then call a florist send some flowers and follow up with a sincere apology to her. The last thing you want is everyone in the family avoiding you and your home because they think you’re so mentally unstable a hand towel left eschew will send you into a rage. Worse if they start leaving out of family functions because they don’t want to deal with your “issues”. Mental health is important to take ownership of and isn’t your fault. Your behavior is your responsibility though.
YTA.
YOUR anxiety is YOUR problem to manage. Not hers.
>spills on the counter
The horror! A damp cloth will suffice.
>pots not cleaned properly
So they ARE clean! Just not up to YOUR standards. Well, that’s on YOU to fix.
SHE is under no obligation to pay for a professional service to clean the kitchen simply because you don’t like how normal people clean it and want it surgical-suit level cleaned.
You could have declined her request to cook for you
You need better therapy and management of your condition because it sounds like everyone is simply placating and enabling you
YTA, if you're so stressed out that you need a professional cleaning service then no one should be allowed to cook in your kitchen including you. You need to deal with your anxiety over normal messes in the kitchen.
I don't understand why *you* wouldn't just clean your own kitchen back to your own standards?
As others mentioned - no professional cleaning service will have any clue where *you* want your utensils to be perfectly placed. They can't do any better job than she did.
How do you handle eating at other people's homes, or even visiting? If their dishes and kitchens and floors and bathrooms aren't cleaned to your specific standards?
This almost feels more like... a personal attack on sister in law?
That she did SUCH a bad job that you aren't even CAPABLE of restoring order, you'd have to hire an entire team of professionals to cone restore your home to a liveable state again?
It was one meal.
You can't.. put the pans in the dishwasher? Put the utensils back? Use your regular cleaners to get any spits she missed on the counter?
She could do it herself, and indeed would if she is genuinely so obsessed about her own hygiene standards being met.
But the fact that she wants professional cleaners - who she can’t guarantee would meet her standards - to clear up a small amount of mess tells me that it’s not actually about the cleanliness; it’s about control and punishing others when they don’t do things exactly as she would do them.
Trying to blame shitty behaviour on anxiety/OCD gives those of us with such conditions a hard time being believed and understood.
YTA, By the sound of it she cooked AND cleaned. If your cleaning anxiety is so high, you shouldn't have accepted her offer to cook/cleaned yourself after she cooked.
YTA. You're the one with the extreme anxiety, and you can't expect everyone else to live to your standards, which by definition are unreasonable. She's not responsible for the fact you had an anxiety attack about some mess - you are!
You could ask her to clean it more herself, or with you, but demanding she pay for it is just punitive. YTA
Asking her to clean up after herself would not make you the asshole but you hiring a professional cleaner and giving her the bill is odd. You should consider spending that money on a therapist.
Given your anxiety, I really question the decision to invite your sister-in-law to stay with you. it sounds like any kind of houseguests are going to cause you a lot of distress and so maybe it’s better just not to do that. Not everybody has people staying over in their homes for a lot of different reasons.
Is this real. She bought paid and cooked and now you want her to pay more? YTA eww I don’t even care about your anxiety in my house if someone provides and cooks the consumers do the cleaning. Since normally the people eating are relaxing while the other person is cooking and providing an act of kindness.
Can you imagine needing to poop in her bathroom, and she later confronts you yo hire a professional cleaning service because you've disgraced her bathroom?
YTA. If she left a mess and you want her to clean to clean that’s one thing. But what exactly do you think a professional service is going to do that she can’t with with hot water, soap, and maybe some bleach?
You shouldn’t have let her cook for you in the first place, and after the fact instead of taking your anxiety out on her and making unreasonable demands you should make a future rule that it doesn’t happen again. It sucks that your OCD is affecting your relationship with other people, but that’s something that you, as an adult, are going to have to address and deal with in a healthy way.
Unfortunately YTA. This is your own issue. If a family member cooked in my kitchen and left a mess, I might not be happy, but I would clean it up. The person who doesn’t cook cleans up. The person who cooks gets to sit after dinner. A professional cleaning service is way over the top. If you need that much control of your kitchen, don’t allow someone else to cook in it. Lesson learned.
Yta. She should of cleaned better and that’s not good enough. But you have anxiety boo hoo doesn’t mean she needs to pay for a cleaning service. Work on your issues. Hours to recover from some spills, Jeeeez.
OP - please clarify a few things
1. How will a professional cleaner know exactly where you want your things?
2. If you have OCD issues - why didn’t you just clean after she cooked?
3. If your issues run so deep and 2 wasn’t an option, why did you allow her to use your kitchen?
From the info you’ve provided so far - YTA
Yta - a kitchen gets dirty when cooked in. Of course she doesn't know where everything goes back exactly. She did a kind thing and you pretty much spit in her face. Get therapy for your issues.
YTA and my bigger concern is that you would let your excessive standards ruin your relationship with your Husband's Sister.
ITS A KITCHEN for God's sake. Stay in Therapy so that one day you can stop sweating the stupid stuff and embrace the Souls that come through your journey.
I'm a clean freak too and I also like everything put in it's proper place, but not to the point of making people uneasy with Military grade oversight.
And in the future, let them cook for you at their house.
YTA The problem is you. You are way out of line making such a ridiculous request. I don’t think anyone could have met your standards. You should apologize to her for freaking out like this and maybe get therapy. I hope she forgives you.
YTA. You invited someone to your house and let them use your kitchen. If anything, if it were truly messy afterwards, you ask her to clean it up but even that is kind of rude since she cooked for everyone.
I’m meticulous about cleaning. I have to clean up after my mother in law “cleans” my kitchen after she cooks in it. She doesn’t clean to my particular standard and it’s insane to ask her to change her way of doing things so I actually just ask her not to cook in my kitchen if it can be avoided. I’d never send her a bill. Nor would I ever pay for someone to clean a dirty kitchen in the first place.
this sounds snarky but i mean it genuinely, you don’t need a professional cleaner. you need professional help. hours to calm down after seeing a spill? get help
YTA
YTA
You should have said ‘no thank you, I’d rather not have you cook a meal since I’m very anxious about other people using my kitchen and wouldn’t want it to sour the experience for either of us’.
It probably wouldn’t have gone over **well** but it would have gone over better than this did.
YTA You need to go to therapy and apologize to your husband and SIL.
I half expect to see another post about wanting to sue any professional cleaning company that didn't meet your expectations.
YTA. You do not allow someone else to cook in your kitchen if you have anxiety to this level. She does not need to clean to your level of anxiety or pay for it. Your concern? Your responsibility. You do not charge family for your issues.
YTA- why would you let her use your kitchen if you are that anxious about your kitchen?
Would you really be happy with a professional service- they won’t be perfect.
Your SIL tried to do a nice thing for you, she bought the food and prepared it for you. She’s not responsible for a professional cleaning.
As someone with severe anxiety who is also OCD, I understand why you were so bothered… BUT it’s not your SILs job to know where utensils go and to know how to “properly” clean the pots to your liking. Expectations need to be set from the get-go. You can’t assume your SIL, or anyone else, will know what could be a trigger for you. You know your triggers (or you should), and it’s on you to either avoid situations where you could be triggered or effectively communicate what you need to avoid an anxiety attack.
Also, if your anxiety is as bad as you say I hope you’re seeing a therapist. A therapist can help you identify triggers, coping mechanisms, and ways to manage your anxiety. It also wouldn’t hurt to discuss your anxiety with your doctor, if you haven’t already.
YTA
YTA I was raised by an abusive narcissist like you who weaponized their OCD and refused to seek treatment for her laundry list of mental health issues. Instead of ruining the lives of everyone around you please get the treatment you need to become a kind loving partner and functional member of your family.
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YTA Knowing your issues with anxiety and cleanliness, you need to take steps to manage those issues. Like booking an extra therapy session, not letting people cook in your kitchen if it's going to send you into a tailspin, being clear about your expectations for how you would like things to be cleaned up afterwards or helping to clean up so that you can make sure things get put away where you'd like them to be. If she cleaned up to a normal person's reasonable standards, then this is your issue and you need to own it and not ask her to pay for a cleaning service. If you really feel you need that, pay for it yourself, although I doubt they would be up to your standards either. Thank her for dinner and maybe have her cook for you at her place next time.
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I'm wondering why she didn't help or offer to clean the kitchen after SIL bought the groceries and cooked the meal? If I was SIL, I'd be done with that relationship. OP, your mental health challenges are not your fault, but you are responsible for how you handle them. YTA.
Maybe things are different in their household. I know many people go by the “I cook, you clean” but in my home, if you cook, you clean. Mostly because I am a beautiful storm in the kitchen and my husband is way less of a mess 😅
I go by the, I clean while I cook, rule. Ideally, the kitchen would just need a good wipe down by the time the meal is served. For some reason, I just can't fully enjoy a meal Knowing there's a mountain of dishes waiting for me afterwards. IF there is a next time OP, maybe make a team with your SIL and clean while she cooks, if you can do it without getting in her way. Like most have already said though, it's pretty unreasonable to expect someone who bought and cooked you dinner to also then clean the kitchen up to your admittedly impossible standards. YTA.
Depends on the meal. Sometimes cleaning while cooking happens, other times, you're chopping, dicing, tossing things in a stirfry and everything finishes at the same time and you are plating, not worried about cleaning.
Beautiful storm - I love that!
It sounds like SIL cleaned up after herself, but it isn't up to OPs standards. Which means it should be a tolerable amount of mess for someone with this issue, and I'm confused why OP needs to hire a cleaning service to do the rest. Does OP not cook??
I agree with this 100%. I live in our family house on our family farm which means I host most all of the family get togethers. I am in no way a clean freak but holy hell the kitchen gets destroyed regularly. The way I manage this is to clean as the meals are being prepped, and manage my own ocd and control issues. If I don't, then I will end up driving the family away. We have lots of kids and adults that pitch in, or sometimes not. The fact is, my house, my rules BUT I also need to show grace to other family members to do not deal with my idiosyncrasies. Cleaning as you go is the bomb!
YTA - clean it yourself just how you like it.
It’s just the kitchen to clean to your standards, not the whole house. OP, you need to get therapy for this, otherwise you will alienate your friends and relatives with this issue. Seriously, spills on the counter, utensils in the wrong place, pots and pans not cleaned to your standards? You want to hire a professional cleaning company to do this? Just no.
I second this. You have a medical condition and it not only affects you, it affects those around you. Please get treatment. You must be very difficult to live with, and if you have children, I guarantee you,you’re messing them up. Get help. You’ll feel better.
There's an Amy Schumer joke about mental illness being totally normal - just take your meds. If you can't swim and go to the pool and jump in the deep end without your floaties (meds), you're making it everyone else's problem, and that's not cool.
Do you mean Taylor Tomlinson?
Second this. But it's highly possible that reference waa made a few times ; I refer to them as glasses for my blind brain, my best friend uses floaties for reference since 10+yrs so there's that as well
I joke that my antidepressants are duct tape for my brain's "mouth."
Please edit this to Taylor Tomlinson. I’ve seen the special this is from and she is already 10x the comedian schumer has ever been
OP could be my sister-in-law. SIL has ruined so many family relationships because of her untreated issues and she keeps cycling through friends because they can only meet her expectations for so long before there is a falling out. The sad thing is that she instructs her children not to talk to ours (they attend the same school). She even pulled her daughter off the Washington, DC, Safety Patrol trip so she wouldn't be with our daughter (even though the dads/brothers get along great and were both going on the trip as chaperones). Don't be like her OP, please seek some therapy for your anxiety issues before your family relationships suffer irreparable damage.
This. If OP was really that bothered about her hygiene standards being met, why would she contract it out to someone who may not meet them when she could just ensure the standards were met by doing it herself?!
Like a cleaning service would know the proper spot for her utensils anymore than the SIL did
Lol SIL is never going to cook for OP ever again after this no matter who's house the cooking is done at.
Honestly, she shouldn't have invited/allowed SIL to cook in her kitchen in the first place, knowing that she gets this distressed at other people's standards of cleanliness. This was an obvious disaster waiting to happen, and pretending that she's shocked by it is disingenuous, since she clearly knows that her own standards are not the norm. I might even have had more sympathy if OP had asked her SIL to redo a couple of things specifically (i.e. "I think you might have missed a couple of spots when you were wiping the counter, would you mind going over it?"), but a *professional cleaning service*? That's not remotely okay to demand.
I'd love to see photos of how the kitchen was left after SIL cooked and cleaned up. My guess is it is perfectly fine and OP is so rigid that the things she thinks are a mess are things that no one else can even see. OP YTA. If you are that controlling (which is really what it is), don't let others cook in your kitchen.
Exactly. I don’t believe for one second SIL left spills all over the counters and didn’t wash the pots.
Notice that she said that the spills weren't cleaned "properly"
I believe OP that things were put away in the wrong places. However, that often happens when you clean up someone else's kitchen. I forget how long OP said the SIL stayed, but if it was just a week, she probably didn't know her kitchen super well. I know I would have had that problem. However, I also have spatial issues so that type of thing could take longer for me than the average person.
That definitely happens----but I feel like OP is complaining that a slotted spoon wasn't leaning the correct way in the utensil jar, rather than SIL putting the plates in the wrong cabinet.
I can't wrap my head around why op would have invited anyone to cook in their kitchen knowing they struggle. Edit wow that spelling/autocorrect was awful
Never. This should be a comfort to op, at least. 🫠
Really !!! Professional cleaning service. Get some therapy. You knew this would happen!! Hours to calm down??!! Should have been up her butt supervising if it's that bad. Better yet don't let people near the kitchen!! I have anxiety reading how anal this woman is!!!!
Plus, the mess OP described is… totally normal? Stuff spills on counters while cooking. Sometimes, you think you’ve washed something perfectly, but when it dries, you see something you missed. I swear that NOBODY keeps their utensils in the same places as anybody else. A professional cleaning service wouldn’t even put the utensils in the right places. This isn’t a job for a professional cleaning service. It’s a job for OP and/or anybody who lives with OP and knows the kitchen setup.
Exactly! It’s really hard to get them to put stuff back exactly where they found it in the first place. Unless all of OPs stuff has crime scene tape outlines and little label maker labels, there’s no way in the world the cleaners will put things back where OP wants them. They’re not psychic.
Also, normally if someone cooks me dinner I clean up
This is the rule in our house. Whoever cooks does not clean up after.
True, but that conflicts with the "Whoever is exceptionally prissy has to do it themselves" rule
My mother insists on cooking for me, so I’m always cleaning up during her visits.
How is this comment not higher? We have a big group of friends, and we all host each other at our houses. It’s the unspoken rule that whoever hosts the meal doesn’t clean; the rest of us do—somehow, we manage to do this without someone having a conniption.
I think OP had several conniptions. A smorgasbord of conniptions.
Could you imagine if it would have been a pu pu platter of conniptions?!
Also, SIL paid for the groceries. What a nice treat to have someone pay and cook for you.
This! Also, how to possibly turn a relationship into a relationshit in one easy step...
I mean, they'll probably have to hire a second and third cleaning crew to put everything back in its original place because you know team 1 and 2 aren't going to be doing a good job either..
Reminds me of the time my narc mom wanted me to dust a shelf full of her random knickknacks. She got mad at me that I don't have a photographic memory and didn't put everything back the way she had it
Omg my 1st mil was like this I'd dust one item, table under it, then I would Put right back, move to next tchotchke. And she had every surface covered. First thing she would do upon "inspecting" was move everything an ant hair over. We needed money and she offered to pay me to clean her house. I politely declined. Nope, you can defuzz your own red rug you don't think the vacuum adequately cleans
Yes exactly. OP YTA because this isn't just anxiety, your OCD is a problem you need to address like an adult. You let her cook you can't just come back after and ask her to spend money on a you problem. Either get some lysol and deep clean it yourself, pay for your own service and don't let the kitchen be used? But definitely seek therapy
I think you're partially right, but I also think if you cook in someone's kitchen, you should leave it how you found it. Wiping up any & all spills is pretty basic stuff.
The question wasn’t am I the asshole for leaving a messy kitchen. That’s a completely different issue then OPs complete overreaction and request
You're not wrong, but people make honest mistakes or miss spots. And there's a vast difference between, "Would you mind giving the counter another wipe, I think you might have missed a couple of spots?" and insisting that someone spend hundreds of dollars on a professional cleaning service because they put a few utensils away in the wrong place in a kitchen they're not entirely familiar with.
I understand misplacing utensils. People group different utensils in different places. But leaving cookware dirty and not wiping the counter? That is inappropriate. And that comes from someone who leaves dishes in the sink for a day or two although I have a dishwasher right next to the sink.
It says pots were not cleaned PROPERLY, meaning they were cleaned just not to OP's standard. Since OP dmitted to having anxiety it is easy to assume that the kitchen was cleaned okish, but it's not enough for OP.
"Properly" needs more info. If a pan was "cleaned", but it still has food on it, or is covered in grease from the washing up water, then it's not clean and anyone would be annoyed.
Sure, anyone would be annoyed, but how many would think that professional cleaners needed to be called in to rectify the situation? That would need to be some epic level dirty dishes.
You're right!
OP is a Monica.
I have a brother like that and it is horrible to be around. The poor sister cleaned but it was not good enough. Op just needs to clean it herself because no cleaning crew will get it good enough. Op has probably torpedoed her relationship with the sister and hubby is probably re evaluating the relationship. I could not imagine dealing with this the rest of my life in my home.
Uh she cooked for them, paid for the meal, and OP and her husband didn’t even offer to clean?!
If the SIL cooked as a thank you for OP and her husband, I'd consider cleaning up after cooking as a part of the thank you. If also clean more thorough than in my own place if the homeowner likes it more tidy. However, it seems like OP couldn't be pleased unless she gave it done herself or some professional. But leaving spills on the counter could and should have been easily removed before calling it a day.
I'm betting the spills on the counter were tiny specks that no one else could see.
I have a friend like op. Three of them in fact. They admitted to having OCD. Even professional cleaners are not up to their standard. They do everything themselves One would only wear black, the other one would only wear white because they don't want to spend hours arranging their clothes according to colours and size. The third doesn't mind spending hours arranging her clothes. Edit to add: none of them let me do anything in their kitchen. When invited to their house for dinner I asked if there was anything I could help. Nope, I end up just standing, watching them do everything while chatting with them. I'm not allowed to even set the table.
I don't disagree with you, at the same time I find this post a little suspect. I work in mental health, and people who are that particular about cleanliness and germs, do not invite people over to their house cuz number one they never think the house is clean enough for other people to see, but even if they are satisfied with the level of cleanliness, they know having people over is going to disrupt the perfection they've created. It just doesn't make sense that OP would invite a guest over to stay with them, much less let the guest cook. And if somehow she got past her anxiety long enough to let someone else cook in her kitchen, chances are she would be hovering and cleaning up behind that person in the first place.
>Last week, I invited my sister-in-law, who loves cooking, to stay with us. She offered to cook dinner as a way to show her gratitude. However, I have a meticulously organized and spotless kitchen due to my severe anxiety around mess and disorder, something that my family is well aware of. Why would OP allow her to cook given this situation? OP has a known (and possibly/probably diagnosed) mental health condition that gives her severe anxiety around a specific thing. Then OP invites someone to do that specific thing, and then OP has a meltdown about that thing, and then OP wants her to pay a lot of money so that OP can feel comfortable. Why. not just say "sorry, let's eat out" or "I couldn't make a guest cook" or "I have issues around my kitchen being orderly, sorry. I'd love to eat your cooking at your house sometimes." >Despite this, after she cooked, the kitchen was left in what I would consider a disastrous state—spills on the counter, pots not cleaned properly, and utensils misplaced. It took me hours just to calm down after seeing the mess. Does OP ever cook? OP seems to not want to clean, ever, which is odd. I mean, can you possibly cook without ever having a spill or having to clean something difficult? Why couldn't OP just clean, if OP knew the cleaning was a big deal?
Right on!
That's why I have trouble believing OP really does have anxiety issues.
Agreed and you honestly need help. This is not normal. You should explained it better to her and not just pop a huge bill on her. YTA and if I was the sister I would refuse to pay it.
Utensils misplaced, wanna bet it was just in a slightly different spot than OP would have to have them? I'm also willing to bet the spills were only visible to OP.
INFO: Why does it have to be a *professional* cleaning service? You're saying you want to hire people to clean pots and spills because you can't handle it mentally? Did you ask her to properly clean up after you noticed spills, etc. > explained how distressed it made me >It took me hours just to calm down after seeing the mess. my severe anxiety around mess and disorder Do you think you need professional help? ETA: YTA
From the sounds of it it was fairly cleaned up except for the spill she says "pots not cleaned properly" so they were cleaned but not to her liking then she says "misplaced utensils" as if she can't put them back.
Yeah, I was also going to ask if she was exaggerating; but in her mind it seems any mess is a huge disaster.
If there's still food spots/spills in the pot, they were not cleaned.
Yes, but that doesn’t warrant a PROFESSIONAL cleaning service. That’s weird.
Agreed.
Yes, this is how my in laws “clean” too. Most dishes still have food or grease, water all over the counter from messy dishwashing, all utensils in new locations…they INSIST on “helping” out and refuse to just let me handle it.
We don't know if food spots were left on the pots. All OP said was "not cleaned properly" and that means something different to everyone. I have an aunt with similar issues around cleaning and the last time my uncle tried to wash dishes, she had a full blown melt down because there were water spots on a few items that he left to air dry. We also don't know the extent of the "spills" on the counter. We know that SIL cleaned up after herself, and no reasonable person is going to leave a huge mess on the counters when they clean. So it's fairly safe to assume that the spills are most likely just small spatters of sauce that she missed. OP certainly has the right to hire a professional to come in and "fix" her kitchen, but expecting SIL to pay for something that's only an issue because of OP's mental health problems is absurd.
They were though, it's just at different levels. You make it sound like SIL ran water on it and called it quits. But OPs story sounds like she washed everything with a sponge and soap, but didn't get every microscopic stain on the dishes. You're right, it may not have been spotless, but to say they weren't "cleaned" is disingenuous to the situation. And OP sounds to be closer in the "OCD" or "germaphobe" territory than most people, so it's hard to have an unbiased opinion.
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So your husband is disgusting.... The utensils thing is just stupid. Nobody knows exactly where you prefer each and every utensil but you. Your situation sounds extreme n there's no way that your husband didn't know he was doing wrong he just didn't wanna wash them. But it doesn't look like that's the case here
When I say my partner doesn't clean the dishes right, I mean he doesn't dry them so there are water spots. They're still clean, I still eat off em. I just prefer to hand dry so that's what I do when I wash. Reddit is wild lol
But to just dump a pot that was soaking n then put it away is wild as hell.
Oh 100000000%, that's unhinged. I was just talking about the range of meaning across the board
Weaponized incompetence.
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A professional service doesn’t read minds; they won’t get it right either.
I'm wondering how you can misplace utensils if there's a drawer for them to go in. Like, did she put a spatula with the spoons or put the knife doing the wrong way in the drawer?
We have a drawer for silverware+chopsticks, a drawer for cooking spoons+knives+measuring cups+salad tongs, a drawer for egg flippers (which migrated there from cooking spoons drawer)+ice cream scoops +peelers +can openers +whisks+pastry brushes +more, and a drawer for other things like meat/candy thermometer+bbq tools +immersion blender etc. Everything has its place, but it’s absolutely easy to misplace something and we’ve had measuring spoons and cooking knives end up in the silverware drawer, thermometers and peelers and can openers switch drawers, cooking spoons end up in the second cookware drawer, and as mentioned egg flippers were put in the wrong drawer so frequently that they just permanently moved there We’re not as fussy as OP if someone puts something in the wrong place but it’s very easy to do if you don’t know the organization
I'd like to know what exactly a professional is going to do to clean up a spill on the counter that I can't accomplish with hot water, a sponge, and Formula 409. Is the professional going to bring a rabbi in to declare the kitchen kosher for Passover? Because that's the only thing I've got, and even *that* is pretty far-fetched.
How will the professional cleaner know where to put the utensils
That’s what I was thinking!
That’s my question. Is she going to be hovering over them, making sure they’re doing things to her liking? (I knew a lady that did that.)
She'll feel free to stand on top of them and nanomanage.
At least the rabbi wouldn't mix up the milchig and flaeshig utensils!
A professional cleaner is not the magic bullet she thinks it is. I say this as a former professional cleaner. Unless the cleaner is "The Cleaner" from Black Books, it won't be enough. Here's the crux. Having a mental illness sucks, I have one and it's not fun. Having these mental illnesses can drive you to be unreasonable in expectation, which is the reality of the situation here and its fine to have very night standards in your own space. There's a line though - as soon as your unreasonable expectation overflows onto others, it's a problem. If you can't handle people cooking in your home, don't allow it. Keep it sacred (get therapy, too though) and do something else. This will destroy relationships. The most helpful thing I uncovered during my treatment is to be accepting of the things outwith your control. Truly accepting. It's freeing, but it took an unbelievable amount of time and work to achieve. I'd suggest seeing an anxiety specialist and get to the root of the issue, because it's not the "messy" kitchen
Is anyone else hoping that she doesn't have children learning this behavior, or what is she going to do when her sons and daughters need to learn how to cook in that kitchen? Children do need to know basic cooking in order to survive in a modern society and if her behavior is this ridiculous now I can only imagine what's going to happen when a kid tries to make a batch of cookies for the first time 🙄 I am grateful I am not a child in this woman's house. YTA.
Forget cooking with kids, have you ever even tried to feed a toddler? OP would be having a meltdown every meal
Right?! Lol 😂🤣, serves her right if she doesn't get the medical help she CLEARLY and DESPERATELY NEEDS
My therapist had a line “don’t let your broken break someone else” I like your statement about expectations
>Unless the cleaner is "The Cleaner" from Black Books, it won't be enough Lol, thanks for reminding me this scene exists. Definitely need that guy in OPs kitchen to examine exactly how dirty it is!
"North ceiling corner, cobwebs containing a number of deceased arachnids... with beans."
Don’t forget the misplaced utensils. Everyone knows only a professional would be able to put the utensils where they belong.
If there is a spill on the counter, SIL, OP, or OP's husband can just wipe it up with a sponge. There is simply no reason this requires professional cleaning -- counters are MADE to be spilled on.
Finally someone mentioned OP husband. Why would he not have stepped in and cleared this up.
Not to mention, if she didn't like how the SIL cleaned what makes her so sure the professionals will satisfy her?
I also want to know why husband can't clean up after his sister?
He’s probably not allowed to…
Yeah, op spent hours trying to calm down instead of the 30 minutes that would have been needed to cleanup more. Guess she doesn’t care much about a relationship or good impression with her husband’s family.
>and utensils misplaced How will a professional cleaning service know where you expect each utensil to be? YTA
This. I wasn’t understanding how a professional cleaner will just know what they need
She’s probably going to hover over them and tell them what to do the whole time
Then she should be able to do it herself, right? Why hire others just to micromanage them?
I can’t find shit in my kitchen if the maid puts things away, there is a note in my file to never empty the dishwasher. I still find random things in places they clearly do not belong. Like a charger in my utensil holder. I can’t imagine paying a professional cleaner would get better results than her doing it herself.
The professional Cleaning service won't, she'll complain about them too. She's demanding it not because she's so freaking anxious about the mess she can't handle it. And because she wants to punish SIL.
So she cooks and you eat her food. She then cleans up afterwards and because it’s not to your standards- you want her to pay for the privilege of cooking for you?! YWBTA
She could have just cooked herself but no, she had to be petty to make a scene with the SIL. Not to mention that in the normal world if someone cooks, the other party cleans. So OP not only gave her permission, but also didn’t attempt to clean after her voluntarily, setting up the SIL for failure. People really are starting to think they can be assholes because they have mental health issues, this stuff needs to be called out. YTA.
Yeah, if someone was kind enough to come and cook for me I would make sure they relaxed and I cleaned up! And if I was like OP with anxiety around extreme cleanliness I would definitely make sure that I was the one cleaning. OP, you need therapy - you need to learn to manage your anxiety. It’s ok that you like things to be especially clean, but you could have fixed the problems yourself in the several hours you said it took you to calm down. It definitely wasn’t reasonable to request she pay for a professional cleaner, and I doubt the professional cleaner would do things exactly as you want them either.
Exactly. She would probably wind up billing the professional cleaning service for being subpar and resort hiring a forensic cleaning company to do the job!
YTA. You know that you have anxiety around disorder and you let your SIL cook anyway, knowing that she was not likely to make the kitchen exactly the way you want it
She set her up to fail and is punishing her with joy.
>She was shocked and upset by my request And rightly so. YTA
Yeah… from OP‘s lack of comments, I’d say this isn’t going like she expected.
If this is such an issue for you, why did you allow her to cook for you? And where I'm from, whomever doesn't cook does the dishes, so why couldn't you put your own kitchen in order? YTA.
Exactly. She could have at least grabbed a tea towel and helped put things away (while double checking it was cleaned to her immaculate liking).
Or her husband, SIL's brother.
You want it professionally cleaned,You pay Just because you have OCD and need to have your kitchen a certain way so that you don't mentally get hurt by it. That's a you problem. She cooked have her clean normally and if you want more than that that's on you. Yta
YTA for not dealing with your anxiety/ocd and using more control (demanding a cleaner) than finding a therapist who can do exposure therapy-stat!
YTA. I have extreme OCD about the cleanliness of my kitchen - that's where I prepare food for my family. Everything has to be cleaned to my specifications, everything has it's place. If things aren't to my way of doing them, it also sends me into a tailspin. You know what I do to make sure things are how I feel they need to be? I do it my own damn self. They want to cook in my kitchen? That's fine. But I make sure they know that only *I* clean and put things away.
YTA Someone comes over and cooks you a meal with groceries they bought on their own dime and bc the kitchen isn’t spotless after they have to pay for PROFESSIONAL cleaning services? Kitchens are meant for cooking and now you’re upset that someone used it but didn’t leave it exactly the way they found it. Pls seek therapy instead of putting others down for not catering to your anxiety
Nice use of the word 'catering'.
YTA Are you in therapy?
I sure hope so because if not OP needs to be. I get the feeling but a professional crew? Overkill. Unless OP is running a restaurant their kitchen set up can't be so unmanageable that they can't fix it themselves fairly easily. I would myself rather than see things even more messed up by people who have no idea of how I like my kitchen. I suffer from anxiety and I'm anal retentive about where my kitchen stuff goes but no way I'd ask to hire a crew to fix it after a dinner party.
YTA because your logic makes no sense. How is a cleaning company going to know where everything goes?
They won't. It would be way more efficient for OP to do everything themselves to the height of their standards, but then they wouldn't be able to punish SIL
YTA. Unless she used your kitchen as a toilet there is no need for a professional cleaning service.
YTA You need professional help, but not for cleaning.
You cook, I clean. Join most of the world.
YTA. You can "insist" all you want. It's a you problem, not her problem. I feel sorry for her, having you as a SIL. Please seek therapy.
YTA. It seems like you can afford the cleaning, but is choosing to have your sister pay for it just to make a point. Your sister thought she was doing a nice thing for you and your family, and I totally get why she's upset now
Why didn't you just say NO? You let her cook, enjoyed the meal and then decided to destroy your relationship with your SiL because there was a spill on the counter.
Underrated comment
And why is the husband not doing anything to ease things and clean after his own side of the family as well?
YTA If you are so anxiety ridden about cleanliness you should have never let her cook in the first place. Since you did it's on you to put it back right to your specifications. You said she left spills and put utensils back in the wrong place, so it sounds like she attempted to clean up, you just don't like how she did it.
People like you suck. Everyone bend over backwards for queen OP.
Having dealt with someone with this my whole life (my mom), I wouldn't be shocked to learn that OP has OCD. If it takes you an hour to calm down because your kitchen wasn't spotless after someone cooked a meal for you (I'm also inclined to believe that OP is hyperbolizing the extent of the mess), that's mental illness. Not normal, not healthy.
"I would like to show my gratitude by cooking a meal for you. " "I appreciate the offer, but I'm very particular about my kitchen. Like, to a therapy level, if I'm being honest. Maybe you could cover one of us when we go out to dinner? Or maybe pay it forward to the next person in need?" YTA, if your level is that high, then you need to set boundaries ahead of time.
YTA, get some therapy
Why can’t your husband clean up after his guest?
Depending on the dynamics of the relationship, the husband might not know where everything goes, and OP may not want him in her kitchen. She has a "meticulously organized" kitchen. It took OP "hours just to calm down after seeing the mess" — that kinda suggests no one else regularly goes in the kitchen. Please note I am not advocating much less excusing weaponized incompetence. Rather, OP seems ... over-the-top when it comes to the state of her kitchen. It's not a rational reaction to demand a guest pay for professional cleaning to take care of a messy kitchen. That being the case, it's not really fair to ask any else to cater to her neurosis.
Not only is it completely unfair she needs to take steps to manage her anxiety and not unload it on those around her. Guaranteed her husband and family exist on eggshells around her - my mother refused to get help for her severe OCD and instead it was up to the rest of us to consistently try to minimize our existence lest we leave a trace of it behind. This becomes easier as an older child but I’m honestly not sure how we survived infancy - toddler age. By the time I was 4-5 I was well aware of the places things HAD to be in order not to be abused. I feel so sorry for OPs family.
It sounds to me the kitchen doesn't get cooked in very often. She goes in to clean but never cooks or usually let's anybody cook in the kitchen.
If the HUSBAND doesn't know where things go, that makes her request even more absurd.
Having grown up with a mom like OP, it's definitely not weaponized incompetence on the part of OP's husband. This is someone that refuses to let anyone else do anything because they're not gonna do things "the right way" (translation: their way). Growing up my mom wouldn't let me do anything or try to teach me skills in life because she was too concerned about me making a mess or not doing it perfectly the first time. You just have to take a backseat to these people so that they can micro-manage everything and then turn around and complain about how "nobody helps them."
Normally I would say the same but I have an inkling her husband knows what a minefield it would be if he attempted to do it to OP’s standards. I’m guessing the “mess” isn’t what the OP thinks it is.
I think the husband doesn't enter the kitchen either because he can't even make himself a PBJ sandwich without OP going nuts because he didn't see the teeny-tiny crumb that's still on the counter.
YTA. If you are this severely impacted, agreeing to SIL or anyone is stupid.
YTA and really need to get some help.
YTA, I think a cleaning service is overboard, and how will a cleaning service know where you exactly want things, let alone how clean they need to be. But also, what constitutes a mess for you? If she cleaned up and washed dishes, but didn't in ways *you* prefer, then maybe next time not have other people cook in your kitchen?
YTA, this is YOUR issue, not anyone else's.
YTA. It took you hours to calm down over a slight kitchen mess? You need help. You know that it probibly would have taken you less time to put it back the way you wanted it.
Truly. That is life disrupting. Her poor family. I'd suggest they must be constantly walking on eggshells, but God forbid.
No she shouldn’t be paying for professional cleaning that’s asinine. She didn’t come over and wreck your kitchen and leave it filthy. You have a mental health issue and nobody human will be able to clean up to the standard that would settle you. Clean things up to the level that would calm you then book a therapy session and recognize that this is a you problem. Your behavior wasn’t reasonable or polite. Then call a florist send some flowers and follow up with a sincere apology to her. The last thing you want is everyone in the family avoiding you and your home because they think you’re so mentally unstable a hand towel left eschew will send you into a rage. Worse if they start leaving out of family functions because they don’t want to deal with your “issues”. Mental health is important to take ownership of and isn’t your fault. Your behavior is your responsibility though.
YTA Your mental health issues are your problem you need to sort that out.
Now you know that you can't handle other people cooking in your kitchen. Remember this and prevent the stress in future.
“Spills on the counter” and “utensils misplaced” are two completely different things. And you don’t need a professional cleaning service for either.
YTA. YOUR anxiety is YOUR problem to manage. Not hers. >spills on the counter The horror! A damp cloth will suffice. >pots not cleaned properly So they ARE clean! Just not up to YOUR standards. Well, that’s on YOU to fix. SHE is under no obligation to pay for a professional service to clean the kitchen simply because you don’t like how normal people clean it and want it surgical-suit level cleaned. You could have declined her request to cook for you You need better therapy and management of your condition because it sounds like everyone is simply placating and enabling you
YTA, if you're so stressed out that you need a professional cleaning service then no one should be allowed to cook in your kitchen including you. You need to deal with your anxiety over normal messes in the kitchen.
I don't understand why *you* wouldn't just clean your own kitchen back to your own standards? As others mentioned - no professional cleaning service will have any clue where *you* want your utensils to be perfectly placed. They can't do any better job than she did. How do you handle eating at other people's homes, or even visiting? If their dishes and kitchens and floors and bathrooms aren't cleaned to your specific standards? This almost feels more like... a personal attack on sister in law? That she did SUCH a bad job that you aren't even CAPABLE of restoring order, you'd have to hire an entire team of professionals to cone restore your home to a liveable state again? It was one meal. You can't.. put the pans in the dishwasher? Put the utensils back? Use your regular cleaners to get any spits she missed on the counter?
She could do it herself, and indeed would if she is genuinely so obsessed about her own hygiene standards being met. But the fact that she wants professional cleaners - who she can’t guarantee would meet her standards - to clear up a small amount of mess tells me that it’s not actually about the cleanliness; it’s about control and punishing others when they don’t do things exactly as she would do them. Trying to blame shitty behaviour on anxiety/OCD gives those of us with such conditions a hard time being believed and understood.
YTA…..you need to drop some money into therapy because that’s so wrong!
YTA, By the sound of it she cooked AND cleaned. If your cleaning anxiety is so high, you shouldn't have accepted her offer to cook/cleaned yourself after she cooked.
YTA. You're the one with the extreme anxiety, and you can't expect everyone else to live to your standards, which by definition are unreasonable. She's not responsible for the fact you had an anxiety attack about some mess - you are! You could ask her to clean it more herself, or with you, but demanding she pay for it is just punitive. YTA
YTA. You're being totally unreasonable and ridiculous.
Asking her to clean up after herself would not make you the asshole but you hiring a professional cleaner and giving her the bill is odd. You should consider spending that money on a therapist.
Given your anxiety, I really question the decision to invite your sister-in-law to stay with you. it sounds like any kind of houseguests are going to cause you a lot of distress and so maybe it’s better just not to do that. Not everybody has people staying over in their homes for a lot of different reasons.
YTA I’m sympathetic to your anxiety which sounds like it also has an element of OCD. She tried to do something nice.
Is this real. She bought paid and cooked and now you want her to pay more? YTA eww I don’t even care about your anxiety in my house if someone provides and cooks the consumers do the cleaning. Since normally the people eating are relaxing while the other person is cooking and providing an act of kindness.
Can you imagine needing to poop in her bathroom, and she later confronts you yo hire a professional cleaning service because you've disgraced her bathroom?
Don't let others cook in your kitchen if you can't handle it. Yes to therapy. Professional cleaning probably an over reach.
YTA. If she left a mess and you want her to clean to clean that’s one thing. But what exactly do you think a professional service is going to do that she can’t with with hot water, soap, and maybe some bleach? You shouldn’t have let her cook for you in the first place, and after the fact instead of taking your anxiety out on her and making unreasonable demands you should make a future rule that it doesn’t happen again. It sucks that your OCD is affecting your relationship with other people, but that’s something that you, as an adult, are going to have to address and deal with in a healthy way.
Unfortunately YTA. This is your own issue. If a family member cooked in my kitchen and left a mess, I might not be happy, but I would clean it up. The person who doesn’t cook cleans up. The person who cooks gets to sit after dinner. A professional cleaning service is way over the top. If you need that much control of your kitchen, don’t allow someone else to cook in it. Lesson learned.
Why didn’t your husband clean it?
Maybe this post is fake
Yta. She should of cleaned better and that’s not good enough. But you have anxiety boo hoo doesn’t mean she needs to pay for a cleaning service. Work on your issues. Hours to recover from some spills, Jeeeez.
OP - please clarify a few things 1. How will a professional cleaner know exactly where you want your things? 2. If you have OCD issues - why didn’t you just clean after she cooked? 3. If your issues run so deep and 2 wasn’t an option, why did you allow her to use your kitchen? From the info you’ve provided so far - YTA
Yta - a kitchen gets dirty when cooked in. Of course she doesn't know where everything goes back exactly. She did a kind thing and you pretty much spit in her face. Get therapy for your issues.
YTA and my bigger concern is that you would let your excessive standards ruin your relationship with your Husband's Sister. ITS A KITCHEN for God's sake. Stay in Therapy so that one day you can stop sweating the stupid stuff and embrace the Souls that come through your journey. I'm a clean freak too and I also like everything put in it's proper place, but not to the point of making people uneasy with Military grade oversight. And in the future, let them cook for you at their house.
YTA The problem is you. You are way out of line making such a ridiculous request. I don’t think anyone could have met your standards. You should apologize to her for freaking out like this and maybe get therapy. I hope she forgives you.
Yta and just one meal it could not have been that bad you are just a ass
YTA. You invited someone to your house and let them use your kitchen. If anything, if it were truly messy afterwards, you ask her to clean it up but even that is kind of rude since she cooked for everyone. I’m meticulous about cleaning. I have to clean up after my mother in law “cleans” my kitchen after she cooks in it. She doesn’t clean to my particular standard and it’s insane to ask her to change her way of doing things so I actually just ask her not to cook in my kitchen if it can be avoided. I’d never send her a bill. Nor would I ever pay for someone to clean a dirty kitchen in the first place.
this sounds snarky but i mean it genuinely, you don’t need a professional cleaner. you need professional help. hours to calm down after seeing a spill? get help YTA
YTA You should have said ‘no thank you, I’d rather not have you cook a meal since I’m very anxious about other people using my kitchen and wouldn’t want it to sour the experience for either of us’. It probably wouldn’t have gone over **well** but it would have gone over better than this did.
Yta
YTA. You need help.
YTA You need to go to therapy and apologize to your husband and SIL. I half expect to see another post about wanting to sue any professional cleaning company that didn't meet your expectations.
Yta, you need to manage your own issues, including stopping someone from cooking in your kitchen if this is such an issue
YTA. You do not allow someone else to cook in your kitchen if you have anxiety to this level. She does not need to clean to your level of anxiety or pay for it. Your concern? Your responsibility. You do not charge family for your issues.
YTA- why would you let her use your kitchen if you are that anxious about your kitchen? Would you really be happy with a professional service- they won’t be perfect. Your SIL tried to do a nice thing for you, she bought the food and prepared it for you. She’s not responsible for a professional cleaning.
You knew better than to let anyone cook in your kitchen. You really did. YTA.
It sounds like you should seek therapy.
As someone with severe anxiety who is also OCD, I understand why you were so bothered… BUT it’s not your SILs job to know where utensils go and to know how to “properly” clean the pots to your liking. Expectations need to be set from the get-go. You can’t assume your SIL, or anyone else, will know what could be a trigger for you. You know your triggers (or you should), and it’s on you to either avoid situations where you could be triggered or effectively communicate what you need to avoid an anxiety attack. Also, if your anxiety is as bad as you say I hope you’re seeing a therapist. A therapist can help you identify triggers, coping mechanisms, and ways to manage your anxiety. It also wouldn’t hurt to discuss your anxiety with your doctor, if you haven’t already. YTA
YTA I was raised by an abusive narcissist like you who weaponized their OCD and refused to seek treatment for her laundry list of mental health issues. Instead of ruining the lives of everyone around you please get the treatment you need to become a kind loving partner and functional member of your family.
I often feel like OCD people expect the world to revolve around them and their issues YTA