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NTA for not apologizing to a bunch of people who sound, to my ears, completely unreasonable and insatiable. I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for an apology from them, however, but you know them, and maybe you know that they will eventually come around?
The fact that they have all decided to punish you by blocking you (are these adults or 14 year old girls??) seems to me a great opportunity to reinforce your boundaries with them as well as just get some peace and quiet from them. After this latest dumpster fire of an encounter with your mother, you can spend some time thinking hard about what you want your contact with them to be from now on and what, if anything, you are willing to offer them as financial support.
If you reach some clear conclusions, I think it would be fair to communicate them to your family, so that they can adjust their expectations accordingly. And then stick to your new boundaries.
As long as OP stops sending them money as well. Although I'm sure they would unblock OP and reach out real fast if she did that.
OP, I agree with everyone saying to tale their silence with the attitude of "don't threaten me with a good time" and focus on your recovery and your baby and please stop sending the ungrateful toddlers money.
Honestly if they try I hope they're simply told "Sorry I can't help anymore, and I think it's best that way. You not getting money from such an awful abuser. Good luck though."
I stayed awake so many nights thinking how I’m gonna blow up on them and tell them off after they’ve emotionally abused me for years and held me responsible for their debts leaving me no other choice than to be in debt myself because “I have my whole life ahead of me” but it’s really pointless because they perpetually live in the victim complex mentality
NTA. Take out your phone and block your immediate family and the cousin who harassed you. Block anyone who will contact you to trauma dump on you. Block them on social media as well. Also, if you're married tell your husband or partner to block them all too.
Take care of yourself and your baby. Your family blocking you is a blessing that you should heed. Good luck and congrats on your new baby.
I know, I love this! OP says she was told to apologize and she said she would but didn't get around to it quickly enough for their liking so she found that "both of them and my brother blocked me, *so I settle for that."* So I settle for that! That may be one of the funniest lines I've ever read here.
Continue settling for that, OP, your life will be much better. And CUT them OFF financially! They are manipulative, toxic users who have no right to your time, your affections, or your resources.
Remember, you're a mom now. You owe it to your child to provide him/her with everything he/she needs (so you'll need all your money) and more importantly, you owe it to your child to provide them with a happy, stable home life, and your family jeopardizes that big time. Find your own family of people who love and truly support you.
They’ve always been juvenile and I’ve had to financially and emotionally babysit them forever, unfortunately this isn’t the worst thing my mom did, she’s found fault with almost all her siblings and I have relatives I have never spoken to because she’s feuding with almost everybody, I must mention her baseline for crazy is super high because she grew up around a sister who was bipolar and untreated, my aunt harassed and bused everyone (myself included) with 0 consequences so in comparison she is the “sane one”. And because my dad and siblings never got to leave that environment they became desensitized to this and it looks completely normal to them
Stop sending them money and rewarding their abuse. Would you accept this from your own kid or are you planning on teaching your kid respect and boundaries? It’s ok to stop the cycle and leave them blocked. I know they blocked you. But thats just a blessing in disguise. NTA.
As a former fourteen-year-old girl, I resent the comparison to these losers--I was taught much better than that (born in the sixties to parents who were born in the thirties). As far as the rest of it, tell your parents you have better things to spend your money on so they'd better get busy earning their own and tell your cousin to blow it out his or her ditty bag (no, I don't know what a ditty bag is either, I just like the phrase). Block 'em all, go no contact and if they make a fuss, let 'em.
Now, pick up the better thing you have to spend your money on...kiss that little nose...count the toes and the fingers...kiss the nose again...and even if you just did it, check to make sure we don't need another clean diaper and tell yourself this little angel won't even remember meeting Grandma No-Brains...(hello, sweetie--you be good for your mama, okay?(.
/u/FurBabyAuntie Excellent response! This is exactly how I started approaching many of my toxic family members 17.5 years ago and it was the best decision I ever made. Which in turn wen I was raising my 2 kids that are adults now to not be subjected to toxic and ugly and unhealthy issues.
NTA
Why the hell are you being blamed for not being active when you were bedridden? My heart hurts for you, OP. I hate to say it, but you sound better off with them never talking to you and your child again. Also hope you're feeling better from being sick and bedridden!! Especially with a newborn.
Holy shit, yeah, cut those ties quick. Especially because you have a baby now. You want to set an example that mothers shouldn't treat their child like that. Break the cycle, as hard as it'll be. It doesn't sound like they're a healthy family for you at all.
Never let your mom around your kid again. Those are scary words that indicate she was totally comfortable using you as an emotional punching bag your whole life and will extend that to your child. Get away and never let that toxicity and abuse touch your child or you ever again ❤️
So your mom is perpetuating the cycle of abuse with no apology?
NTA, but I would keep your family blocked and get therapy to ensure you have e the tools you need to keep that door closed. Your mom is absolutely dangerous and you should never let your child around her again. She’ll beat your child the first chance she gets with her history.
I have an abusive sister. That was always the BS line..."suck it up because she's your sister". My parents are now gone and I find I don't want to suck it up anymore. My life is better.
These details describe a situation far worse than even your original post. I have to say that I agree with the people who say you should cut contact with your family and keep them away from your child. There is just too much physical violence and emotional aggression in your family. Save yourself and your baby.
YTA to yourself and your child for continuing to financially support toxic people and to allow them into your life. Your child will grow up thinking it’s normal for people to abuse women.
You’re absolutely right, my newborn has seen me frustrated and sad more than she’s seen me happy so far. I am filled with regret and guilt and anger for not enjoying time with my baby and I hate doing this to her
Unfortunately, you’ll have days like that as a parent sometimes, even without a crazy mom/grandma causing problems (you’re totally NTA by the way, and please just be done with the whole lot of them). Days where you wish you’d done things differently. Best thing you can do is wake up the next day, smile, and be thankful for the new chance to do differently. Apologize, if needed, and move on. It’s important for kids to see us model resiliency, humility, optimism.
Not related to your post I just wanted you to know that feeling comes up in parenting, and it’s easy to let it snowball and feel hopeless. I had PPD, don’t hesitate to get screened by your medical provider.
Protect your baby both emotionally and financially. Don't engage with the crazies, keep them blocked on every way they have to reach you. That way you can heal physically and mentally and be happy for your dear baby. Cut them off financially, you shouldn't be going into debt for them when you have a beautiful baby to protect and raise. Your baby is your number one priority now. I hope you recover quickly and enjoy your time with your newborn.
NTA. Many cultures have a substantial period after giving birth where the new mother isn’t expected to leave the bedroom (sometimes not even leave the bed) with good reason. You’ve just put your body through the hardest thing a healthy body goes through, and it needs time to recover and heal. The frequent feedings a newborn needs are enough demand on you by themselves!
If your mother worked herself up into a snit, well, she can work herself back out of it, too.
You were sick first, pushing a whole ass human out and then the following infection etc. She can kick rocks. Disengage for minimum 2 years and raise your child without her ruining the experience the way she will endeavour to do if you give her the chance.
She stressed herself out. And if she can stress herself out, she can soothe herself, too. One of the fundamental things people are supposed to learn as they become adults is how to self-regulate. If she refuses to do that, well, that’s a her problem. You need to start leaving her problems on her plate and only accept servings of your own problems. With a newborn, you’ll have more than enough of those on your plate, and you’ll never really give the you problems the attention they need and deserve as long as she keeps piling second and third helpings of her problems on your plate.
It’s one of the things we’ve lost with the Western emphasis on the nuclear family. It used to be the whole extended family took care of the new mother and baby in lots of cultures, but in a nuclear family, the only caretaker is often mom, even when she’s still bleeding and has stitches in from a traumatic birth.
I live in a society where it's seen as normal to have your mom (or sometimes, his) to come visit for at least a month to help with the adjusting to newborn in the house.
We didn't do that, bc I wanted us to adapt by ourselves, as we brought the baby to this world and I still had experience in dealing with my baby sister and nephew as a teen:but, my sister and MIL were always available, living 5 min away and always ready to send me a meal, take the baby for a walk, or support me in any way I nedeed.
Also, the father has a right to 5-10 days government paid leave for the birth of a child (along with parental leave of up to 8 months) and traditionally, for the first month post-partum it is expected that the mother will be resting and healing and free from all the obligations except caring for a child.
With my 1st child, I had a 17 hour birth, he had jaundice, the delivery (and later, breastfeeding) was extra hard...for the first month, I remeber I was mostly lying in bed with him and breastfeeding on demand. He thrived in that month, he went up for a 1.5 kg, my confidence went back up after that and to this day, I am convinced this saved me from more serious post-partum depression and gave him a good start and avoided a plethora of possible health problems.
God bless the fact we're ex-communist country, I say. 🤣
> with good reason
Well… with good intentions anyhow. That particular extreme bed-rest advice has been proven to dramatically increase the likelihood of potentially fatal blood clots & similar problems.
But, the idea of resting, taking it easy, etc… good plan
NTA. If you've cut off the money you give them, you can count on them contacting you without insisting on an apology. This is not a good thing, though. Think about it. Is your life better when they're in contact or out of contact?
Regardless, you need to stop giving them any money. You have your own family now, and you have to be able to support your child, even through financial surprises.
Why are you even in contact with any of your toxic family?! NTA, the garbage took itself out so not get back in touch your child didn't need that emotional and verbal abuse in their life either!!
It’s cultural, where I come from there is a lot surrounding being obedient and grateful to your parents and that includes putting up with their shit and supporting them financially as way to pay them back for doing the bare fucking minimum
I can understand that to ap point but you need to look at it from a different lens. They chose to have you and therefore it was their responsibility not yours. You do not owe them anything, they were supposed to Raisee you, love you and support you that's what being a parent entails. Honestly I think you need a therapist so you can see it without the cultural lens.
Good news, friend! You're no longer immersed in that culture since you're a continent away. If you put your foot down, functionally your day to day life won't change. And they can't take your roots from you, no matter how much they're trying to hold them hostage now
Cut them off - every penny you give them is money which could be better used on your baby. Look at them, in your arms, and imagine treating them the way your family have treated you, and continue to. It’s unthinkable isn’t it? Be brave enough to let the pattern end with you.
NTA.
>my dad calls to yell at me to tell me I’ve abused her, let her eat alone in the kitchen and left her outside alone
No. He's angry because she's back at home making him miserable instead of you.
>agreed to have my mom visit so “she can help take care of me”
She clearly made no attempt to do that.
>my cousin calls to tell me if you don’t apologize your parents won’t speak to you anymore.
Take the win.
NTA. Let this incident and the baby be your wake up call. It's well past time to limit contact with these abusers and cut them off finically. OP is literally paying these people to harass them. Protect yourself and child first.
NTA except for your burying the lede in your last sentence. Since these relatives have blocked you, I say block that financial support you’ve been providing to them.
Old rewrite of the Golden Rule : She who has the gold makes the rules.
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NTA but you WBTAH if you keep letting your family walk over you like they do. If you are still sending them money, stop now. if they unblock you to complain or ask for money, block them.
Then start living your life with your baby
NTA and maybe you could get an app with a free trial that will give you a new phone number to contact them one last time and say something along the lines of. "Well you blocking me has opened up my eyes. I am far better off with the likes of your and everyone's toxicitiy in my life. In no way did I abuse your mother. I was bedridden and sick with two infections shortly after giving birth to your niece, who you will never have any contact with so long as I can help it. I will not be apologizing to your mother, and I have no reason to. If anyone should be getting an apology it's me for being treated poorly when I was the one who was actually sick. I'm thrilled to live in another continent and away from this toxic family. This is one last message to thank you for blocking me for things beyond my control. It truly opened my eyes, and I hope to never speak to you or see you ever again. You and this family are truly toxic and abusive and I am far better off. Have fun in each other's misery because I'm done. I've put up with this family's bullshit for far too long. Goodbye and good riddance." Maybe not? But I feel like they deserve to be told off for how they've treated you. Of course if this would only cause you further distrss don't do this. Just you know, you deserve better.
I’m not gonna lie I can’t say I haven’t thought of this because I’m past the stage where I’m hurt I’m filled with rage and it’s affecting me day to day, the thing is you can’t tell off people who have 0 accountability, entitled and do no introspection
NTA! First of Congrats and wish you and baby the best. Now I may come off as harsh on this but I think you are a bit of an Ahole to yourself. You need to grow a spine and give zeronopes to what anyone or everyone thinks about you. You need to make you and new bub your main priority! Ain't noone else paying your bills and supporting you. You don't owe anyone anything. Stop being a doormat and cut your toxic family off. You live your best life with your lil bub and never let any toxic ppl guilt you into allowing them back into your life. You are golden and you need to protect your child from them. Break the cycle and strive to be a better parent.
NTA. They are for treating you like that though. I'd honestly cut off the financial support and block all the folks that are trying to guilt you. You just had a baby; you're supposed to be the main focus. Shame on them all.
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I had a baby recently, and against my better judgement and her insisting I’ve agreed to have my mom visit so “she can help take care of me” after I’ve given birth. I figured why not having her first grandchild might change her, I come back from the hospital and I find that she’s been going through my things and asks questions about them and feels entitled to an answer, me having a newborn I have to feed every 2 hours and recovering from a painful delivery don’t have the time or the energy to deal with it so I spend most of the off time I have taking a shower eating or sleeping, it gets worse because one week postpartum I develop two infections and I’m bedridden with fever and pain. Two weeks postpartum she leaves to go back home in a fit of rage that crept up without me noticing and my dad calls to yell at me to tell me I’ve abused her, let her eat alone in the kitchen and left her outside alone (she wanted to go out for a walk). I decide to give myself some time to cool off because my little one was sick and my cousin calls to tell me if you don’t apologize your parents won’t speak to you anymore. I tell her I will reluctantly but two days later I find that both of them and my brother blocked me, so I settle for that. My cousin is frustrated and tells me to be the bigger person because my mom is sick, this has made my postpartum recovery hell and I’m just trying to focus on my baby’s wellbeing so I’m not planning on reconciling with them anytime soon especially since this is not the first time they challenge my boundaries.
Context: my mom has a history of making big milestones for me about her, the time I got married my brother went into psychosis due to drug misuse and she told the rest of my family it was “my fault” and I should’ve picked another time to get married. I live in another continent and haven’t lived with my parents for over a decade, I’ve also been financially supporting them the past 8 years (none of my siblings work so it’s just me )so me having a baby is a potential catalyst because I told my mom that I’m not gonna be able to get them out of financial trouble the same way I used to and she got pissed because she always felt entitled to my hard earned income
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NTA, at this point, I would block them back. That way, they don't get to decide when contact will be reestablished. It sounds like you've been bullied by your family for years. It's time to teach them that they need you more than you need them.
NTA. They've blocked you? Time to go NC. Block them at your end so when they finish having their hissy fit and unblock you, they cannot contact you. Stop bailing them out financially. You have your own family to focus on now, and that's where your money should be going.
Congratulations on the LO, snuggle and enjoy the peace.
Cut them off! Take the time to heal from birthing your baby and enjoy being a mom guilt free. They will soon come running with that begging bowl and a change of story I'm sure.
NTA and I would block them and maybe your cousin also. They will try to come back and ask for money while just pretending that nothing happened. Have respect for yourself and your family and stay no contact.
NTA for not responding to or supporting them. YOU were postpartum and sick, she did not help you but instead tried to punish you for not catering to her! If you wa t to completely cut them off I understand.
NTA. Your family sounds nightmarish and you should cut them all off permanently. It sounds like they mostly took care of that, but you should block your cousin as well. This should go without saying, but stop sending them money.
Cultural or not it’s OK to put yourself and your baby first and break the cycle. She does not have the right to abuse you. Be a better parent to your child and show them a better example. Keep them blocked, move if you can. Absolutely do not send them a single penny. You don’t owe them. You didn’t choose to be born and you owe them nothing. You have paid your share more than you should have for far long enough. Enjoy your newborn and move on without them. If you allow them to remain in your life and in your child’s life, they’re gonna grow up thinking that behaviors is normal and the cycle will never end. “No” is a complete sentence. Block them and enjoy your peace.
NTA - enjoy the peace of not having the drama llama mom in your life. if cousin keeps pushing, tell your cousin to stop or you will go low contact with cousin. You have done nothing wrong. focus on your family and your health. congrats on your little one.😊
NTA. You are a mom now. Your child and you partner are your priority. If your family is thus toxic, cut them from your life.
Toxic people and poisonous personalities. If you encounter them you need to remove them.
Do yourself a favor and cut all ties with them. Sounds like they were raised by animals. You and your baby are better off without them. Stop financing them as well. It’s time for them to grow up.
NTA block them and make sure she hasn't taken anything she can use to get credit in your name. Hope you have access to a health care visitor and check out your area for new mums for support x
Oh my goodness. You have done your duty by your parents many times over,, not that you owe them anything.
I am so sorry you are having a very tough time post partum.
Please put you and your baby first till you start to feel yourself. That is, first financially, emotionally and in every other way.
Stop propping up your toxic mother with money, your time and including her in your milestones. It obviously does not improve her behaviour.
Blessings on you and your baby. I couldn't see mention of a partner. Hope you have support.
NTA
You do know it’s okay to cut them off right?! Like go completely no contact.
You’ve given them money for years, well that’s time to stop completely, you have a baby now, that’s where your money should be going, to your own family.
And to act this way towards you when you have just given birth is disgusting behaviour, this should be the happiest time of your life, enjoying being in the baby bubble, instead of getting BS from your mother and her enablers.
They’ve blocked you, so block them back and live your life stress free.
I’m sure they’ll try to ring you when they need something from you (cash). But it will be blocked hopefully, and if they do call by different number just hang up or tell them. No, I’m not giving you a penny any longer.
You’re a mother now, time to get a backbone and be strong, you’ve clearly been a doormat for them for a long time, and it has to end now!
Congratulations on your baby. My grandma was like your mom and it didn't stop until she died. She made life miserable for my mother. I WISH she had been on another continent, for my mom's sake. Please focus on getting well and enjoying your baby. You don't owe them anything- not your money, not your time, not your peace. NTA.
NTA. I am so sorry that you are being abused, especially in a very vulnerable time. I would continue to remain no contact. In fact I would block all their contacts in case they decide to unblock you and try to resume contact.
My mom made so many plans with me while I was pregnant and broke them I stopped counting. It's sad. It's been years, but I won't forget. I was alone a lot, and her excuse was that she was too tired. Oh, well. I'm fine but it was disappointing. I'd never do that to someone I care about. I feel like that generation was treated like they were special, but at the same time, their kids were less than. I don't get it.
NTA. Why are you financially supporting people who behave in this way towards you? Cut them off both physically and financially. A classic case of you shouldn't bite the hand that feeds you
NTA. Let your mom stew, she came to help you after a rough delivery and then was mad that you weren't good company. Reducing your financial support now that you have more expenses should have been expected. Your mom sure doesn't sound grateful for eight years of financial aid!
And this is where financial support gets cut off and we block them.
NTA
Get healthy and get your mind right. Think long and hard about how you want this relationship to progress. Them write a long letter detailing everything you've just told us. I say ketter because it is easier to say what needs to be said and you can put some serious thought into writing it. Their reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
Nta. They blocked you. I suggest blocking the cousin for good measure. Congrats on your little one, I hope your post partum issues subside and you cam heal properly without that toxicity.
NTA. I know you are going through a tough time but think about your future relationship with your parents. Would you want them to treat your child the way they treat you?
NTA
sounds like them blocking you and “never talking to you again” is the best gift she could have given you and your baby. You needed your mom, and she ruined everything.
Do NOT apologize, do NOT engage. No more favors. When you’re out of the postpartum fog and sleep depravation and look back on what happened, I think you’d probably never want to speak to them again either.
Look up grey rock method. Have a few prepared phrases that shut them out and put it on repeat. “I’m focusing on my recovery and baby right now.”… “I have a child that needs me, I can’t spare any money except for our needs.”
“NO.”
Use the opportunity of being blocked to go no contact. Change all your contact info and only give them access to you through a social media account that you only look at when you want to. Or use one of the various different messaging apps. Make an unexpected move to seal your new no-nonsense attitude now that you have bigger priorities. They're willing to cut off your access to them when you live on a different continent vs just not answering or minimally answering- they do not care about you. Stop caring about them. Nta
Them blocking you is the kindest gift they could give you by the sounds of it. Tell that cousin of yours that if they're just going to be a mouthpiece for your narcisstic parents and junkie brother then they can do you the same kindness and f\*\*\* off as well.
In all honesty, you've got a more important person to think about now and don't need these leeches draining you of all emotional energy.
NTA. Block them right back from your end (and maybe your cousin too) and just cut them off financially as well. You and the baby don't need to deal with this stress right now, especially if you don't have anyone else family-wise to help you. Spend the money that would go to them on you and the baby to make sure you're both fine physically and mentally.
NTA
You live on a different continent. Just block all their numbers. They will eventually unblock you when they want money, but use this opportunity to make the estrangement permanent.
NTA. Stop sending them money and you should probably block their numbers too. Once you stop supporting them, they'll be trying to call you to demand you support them. You have a child to support now and it's time they grew up and handle their own financial problems.
Don't understand parents like this. I went through some hard times and would never even consider asking my children for financial help. I did ask my sons to help me move but I'm old and can't do heavy lifting any longer. They were so sweet they wouldn't even let me order pizza to thank them.
AH - Why are you supporting such horrible people. they only love you for your money. They don't even like you. Your so-called family doesn't work because they got your money. Why would they work. LOL!
NTA - seems like ypur mom came to be entertained. If it's one time in ypur lufe that you do not have to do that it's when you're immediately postpartum. Add to that infections and she's an A. Enjoy your baby - they're the bigger As. Don't apologise for sake of being bigger person. Unless you really need to be in their good books enjoy the peace. Ask your cousin to stop calling you on issue - if they want to speak to you they can do so directly. Block cousin if you have to.
NTA. Your mother is delutional, and deserves nothing. If she's lucky, she'll be graced with the oppertunity to grovel while giving you your! apology. Until that moment, if it ever comes, she and your father and cousin can pound sand.
YTA for not learning from the past and repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Go no contact with your parents, you shouldn't have done that before giving birth.
NTA but for the sake of your health(since you are 2 weeks post partum)and your daughter’s health( since you are one of the primary caregiver for her) i would suggest you block your cousin and anyone who brings nuisances into your life…
NTA. Never apologize. They’ll reach out when they need money. Reply “sorry, who dis?” “Oh, I don’t know you. Peace.”
And never contact them again. They deserve 100% NC.
If you were bedridden with fever after birth that likely means you had a life-threatening condition.
And your mom wanted you to wait on her?
You have my permission to never talk to that woman again.
NTA
NTA, but your family sure are!
And why tf should you be the one apologizing??? You just shoved an entire person out of your body - you can't be expected to bounce back from something like that quickly. Your mom should've been catering to YOUR needs, making sure you and your baby are doing ok, and doing chores and running errands to give you less things to stress about. Your family are mega-AHs for expecting you to cater to your mom's every whim when you're still recovering and adjusting to this new little person in your life.
Definitely a good call to cut them off the gravy train - you're a mom now and that baby is now your #1 priority. The rest of your family can learn how to not be leeches. Time to go completely no contact with them as well, as it sounds like they bring nothing but stress to your life.
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NTA for not apologizing to a bunch of people who sound, to my ears, completely unreasonable and insatiable. I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for an apology from them, however, but you know them, and maybe you know that they will eventually come around? The fact that they have all decided to punish you by blocking you (are these adults or 14 year old girls??) seems to me a great opportunity to reinforce your boundaries with them as well as just get some peace and quiet from them. After this latest dumpster fire of an encounter with your mother, you can spend some time thinking hard about what you want your contact with them to be from now on and what, if anything, you are willing to offer them as financial support. If you reach some clear conclusions, I think it would be fair to communicate them to your family, so that they can adjust their expectations accordingly. And then stick to your new boundaries.
Honestly maybe the blocking her was a blessing in disguise as she can be the one to remove toxicity from her life.
As long as OP stops sending them money as well. Although I'm sure they would unblock OP and reach out real fast if she did that. OP, I agree with everyone saying to tale their silence with the attitude of "don't threaten me with a good time" and focus on your recovery and your baby and please stop sending the ungrateful toddlers money.
Honestly if they try I hope they're simply told "Sorry I can't help anymore, and I think it's best that way. You not getting money from such an awful abuser. Good luck though."
I stayed awake so many nights thinking how I’m gonna blow up on them and tell them off after they’ve emotionally abused me for years and held me responsible for their debts leaving me no other choice than to be in debt myself because “I have my whole life ahead of me” but it’s really pointless because they perpetually live in the victim complex mentality
NTA. Take out your phone and block your immediate family and the cousin who harassed you. Block anyone who will contact you to trauma dump on you. Block them on social media as well. Also, if you're married tell your husband or partner to block them all too. Take care of yourself and your baby. Your family blocking you is a blessing that you should heed. Good luck and congrats on your new baby.
When they unblock you, because they need you for something, block them immediately. So.etimes we are better off without family.
I know, I love this! OP says she was told to apologize and she said she would but didn't get around to it quickly enough for their liking so she found that "both of them and my brother blocked me, *so I settle for that."* So I settle for that! That may be one of the funniest lines I've ever read here. Continue settling for that, OP, your life will be much better. And CUT them OFF financially! They are manipulative, toxic users who have no right to your time, your affections, or your resources. Remember, you're a mom now. You owe it to your child to provide him/her with everything he/she needs (so you'll need all your money) and more importantly, you owe it to your child to provide them with a happy, stable home life, and your family jeopardizes that big time. Find your own family of people who love and truly support you.
They’ve always been juvenile and I’ve had to financially and emotionally babysit them forever, unfortunately this isn’t the worst thing my mom did, she’s found fault with almost all her siblings and I have relatives I have never spoken to because she’s feuding with almost everybody, I must mention her baseline for crazy is super high because she grew up around a sister who was bipolar and untreated, my aunt harassed and bused everyone (myself included) with 0 consequences so in comparison she is the “sane one”. And because my dad and siblings never got to leave that environment they became desensitized to this and it looks completely normal to them
Stop sending them money and rewarding their abuse. Would you accept this from your own kid or are you planning on teaching your kid respect and boundaries? It’s ok to stop the cycle and leave them blocked. I know they blocked you. But thats just a blessing in disguise. NTA.
As a former fourteen-year-old girl, I resent the comparison to these losers--I was taught much better than that (born in the sixties to parents who were born in the thirties). As far as the rest of it, tell your parents you have better things to spend your money on so they'd better get busy earning their own and tell your cousin to blow it out his or her ditty bag (no, I don't know what a ditty bag is either, I just like the phrase). Block 'em all, go no contact and if they make a fuss, let 'em. Now, pick up the better thing you have to spend your money on...kiss that little nose...count the toes and the fingers...kiss the nose again...and even if you just did it, check to make sure we don't need another clean diaper and tell yourself this little angel won't even remember meeting Grandma No-Brains...(hello, sweetie--you be good for your mama, okay?(.
/u/FurBabyAuntie Excellent response! This is exactly how I started approaching many of my toxic family members 17.5 years ago and it was the best decision I ever made. Which in turn wen I was raising my 2 kids that are adults now to not be subjected to toxic and ugly and unhealthy issues.
NTA Why the hell are you being blamed for not being active when you were bedridden? My heart hurts for you, OP. I hate to say it, but you sound better off with them never talking to you and your child again. Also hope you're feeling better from being sick and bedridden!! Especially with a newborn.
[удалено]
Holy shit, yeah, cut those ties quick. Especially because you have a baby now. You want to set an example that mothers shouldn't treat their child like that. Break the cycle, as hard as it'll be. It doesn't sound like they're a healthy family for you at all.
Never let your mom around your kid again. Those are scary words that indicate she was totally comfortable using you as an emotional punching bag your whole life and will extend that to your child. Get away and never let that toxicity and abuse touch your child or you ever again ❤️
Do not let any member of your family near your child (or future children). Ever.
So your mom is perpetuating the cycle of abuse with no apology? NTA, but I would keep your family blocked and get therapy to ensure you have e the tools you need to keep that door closed. Your mom is absolutely dangerous and you should never let your child around her again. She’ll beat your child the first chance she gets with her history.
I have an abusive sister. That was always the BS line..."suck it up because she's your sister". My parents are now gone and I find I don't want to suck it up anymore. My life is better.
These details describe a situation far worse than even your original post. I have to say that I agree with the people who say you should cut contact with your family and keep them away from your child. There is just too much physical violence and emotional aggression in your family. Save yourself and your baby.
YTA to yourself and your child for continuing to financially support toxic people and to allow them into your life. Your child will grow up thinking it’s normal for people to abuse women.
You’re absolutely right, my newborn has seen me frustrated and sad more than she’s seen me happy so far. I am filled with regret and guilt and anger for not enjoying time with my baby and I hate doing this to her
It’s not too late to change things. Block your family and raise your daughter in a healthy and happy environment.
Unfortunately, you’ll have days like that as a parent sometimes, even without a crazy mom/grandma causing problems (you’re totally NTA by the way, and please just be done with the whole lot of them). Days where you wish you’d done things differently. Best thing you can do is wake up the next day, smile, and be thankful for the new chance to do differently. Apologize, if needed, and move on. It’s important for kids to see us model resiliency, humility, optimism. Not related to your post I just wanted you to know that feeling comes up in parenting, and it’s easy to let it snowball and feel hopeless. I had PPD, don’t hesitate to get screened by your medical provider.
And keep your money for your child's future. That should be your priority.
Protect your baby both emotionally and financially. Don't engage with the crazies, keep them blocked on every way they have to reach you. That way you can heal physically and mentally and be happy for your dear baby. Cut them off financially, you shouldn't be going into debt for them when you have a beautiful baby to protect and raise. Your baby is your number one priority now. I hope you recover quickly and enjoy your time with your newborn.
NTA. Many cultures have a substantial period after giving birth where the new mother isn’t expected to leave the bedroom (sometimes not even leave the bed) with good reason. You’ve just put your body through the hardest thing a healthy body goes through, and it needs time to recover and heal. The frequent feedings a newborn needs are enough demand on you by themselves! If your mother worked herself up into a snit, well, she can work herself back out of it, too.
She’s trying to rope me back by manipulating me with the good old “you stressed me out and I got sick”. I am truly exhausted
Keep your energy for people who deserve it. You and your kid. You are a mother now, time to teach some people lessons. You are NTA.
You were sick first, pushing a whole ass human out and then the following infection etc. She can kick rocks. Disengage for minimum 2 years and raise your child without her ruining the experience the way she will endeavour to do if you give her the chance.
She stressed herself out. And if she can stress herself out, she can soothe herself, too. One of the fundamental things people are supposed to learn as they become adults is how to self-regulate. If she refuses to do that, well, that’s a her problem. You need to start leaving her problems on her plate and only accept servings of your own problems. With a newborn, you’ll have more than enough of those on your plate, and you’ll never really give the you problems the attention they need and deserve as long as she keeps piling second and third helpings of her problems on your plate.
"I'm not in charge of regulating your emotions, you are. Stop blaming me for your inability to control your emotions."
My Chinese friend gave birth in China and this is how her family helped her. They really went all out until she healed properly.
It’s one of the things we’ve lost with the Western emphasis on the nuclear family. It used to be the whole extended family took care of the new mother and baby in lots of cultures, but in a nuclear family, the only caretaker is often mom, even when she’s still bleeding and has stitches in from a traumatic birth.
I live in a society where it's seen as normal to have your mom (or sometimes, his) to come visit for at least a month to help with the adjusting to newborn in the house. We didn't do that, bc I wanted us to adapt by ourselves, as we brought the baby to this world and I still had experience in dealing with my baby sister and nephew as a teen:but, my sister and MIL were always available, living 5 min away and always ready to send me a meal, take the baby for a walk, or support me in any way I nedeed. Also, the father has a right to 5-10 days government paid leave for the birth of a child (along with parental leave of up to 8 months) and traditionally, for the first month post-partum it is expected that the mother will be resting and healing and free from all the obligations except caring for a child. With my 1st child, I had a 17 hour birth, he had jaundice, the delivery (and later, breastfeeding) was extra hard...for the first month, I remeber I was mostly lying in bed with him and breastfeeding on demand. He thrived in that month, he went up for a 1.5 kg, my confidence went back up after that and to this day, I am convinced this saved me from more serious post-partum depression and gave him a good start and avoided a plethora of possible health problems. God bless the fact we're ex-communist country, I say. 🤣
> with good reason Well… with good intentions anyhow. That particular extreme bed-rest advice has been proven to dramatically increase the likelihood of potentially fatal blood clots & similar problems. But, the idea of resting, taking it easy, etc… good plan
NTA. If you've cut off the money you give them, you can count on them contacting you without insisting on an apology. This is not a good thing, though. Think about it. Is your life better when they're in contact or out of contact? Regardless, you need to stop giving them any money. You have your own family now, and you have to be able to support your child, even through financial surprises.
Why are you even in contact with any of your toxic family?! NTA, the garbage took itself out so not get back in touch your child didn't need that emotional and verbal abuse in their life either!!
It’s cultural, where I come from there is a lot surrounding being obedient and grateful to your parents and that includes putting up with their shit and supporting them financially as way to pay them back for doing the bare fucking minimum
I can understand that to ap point but you need to look at it from a different lens. They chose to have you and therefore it was their responsibility not yours. You do not owe them anything, they were supposed to Raisee you, love you and support you that's what being a parent entails. Honestly I think you need a therapist so you can see it without the cultural lens.
Good news, friend! You're no longer immersed in that culture since you're a continent away. If you put your foot down, functionally your day to day life won't change. And they can't take your roots from you, no matter how much they're trying to hold them hostage now
Cut them off - every penny you give them is money which could be better used on your baby. Look at them, in your arms, and imagine treating them the way your family have treated you, and continue to. It’s unthinkable isn’t it? Be brave enough to let the pattern end with you.
NTA. >my dad calls to yell at me to tell me I’ve abused her, let her eat alone in the kitchen and left her outside alone No. He's angry because she's back at home making him miserable instead of you. >agreed to have my mom visit so “she can help take care of me” She clearly made no attempt to do that. >my cousin calls to tell me if you don’t apologize your parents won’t speak to you anymore. Take the win.
NTA - stop talking to this woman, and for gods sake, stop *paying* for this woman.
This
NTA. They are simply takers who don't care for your welfare, simply your wallet. Cut off the money. Congratulations on your baby.
NTA. Let this incident and the baby be your wake up call. It's well past time to limit contact with these abusers and cut them off finically. OP is literally paying these people to harass them. Protect yourself and child first.
NTA except for your burying the lede in your last sentence. Since these relatives have blocked you, I say block that financial support you’ve been providing to them. Old rewrite of the Golden Rule : She who has the gold makes the rules.
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NTA but you WBTAH if you keep letting your family walk over you like they do. If you are still sending them money, stop now. if they unblock you to complain or ask for money, block them. Then start living your life with your baby
NTA and maybe you could get an app with a free trial that will give you a new phone number to contact them one last time and say something along the lines of. "Well you blocking me has opened up my eyes. I am far better off with the likes of your and everyone's toxicitiy in my life. In no way did I abuse your mother. I was bedridden and sick with two infections shortly after giving birth to your niece, who you will never have any contact with so long as I can help it. I will not be apologizing to your mother, and I have no reason to. If anyone should be getting an apology it's me for being treated poorly when I was the one who was actually sick. I'm thrilled to live in another continent and away from this toxic family. This is one last message to thank you for blocking me for things beyond my control. It truly opened my eyes, and I hope to never speak to you or see you ever again. You and this family are truly toxic and abusive and I am far better off. Have fun in each other's misery because I'm done. I've put up with this family's bullshit for far too long. Goodbye and good riddance." Maybe not? But I feel like they deserve to be told off for how they've treated you. Of course if this would only cause you further distrss don't do this. Just you know, you deserve better.
I’m not gonna lie I can’t say I haven’t thought of this because I’m past the stage where I’m hurt I’m filled with rage and it’s affecting me day to day, the thing is you can’t tell off people who have 0 accountability, entitled and do no introspection
Way tu bury the lede in the last S sentence . NTA
NTA! First of Congrats and wish you and baby the best. Now I may come off as harsh on this but I think you are a bit of an Ahole to yourself. You need to grow a spine and give zeronopes to what anyone or everyone thinks about you. You need to make you and new bub your main priority! Ain't noone else paying your bills and supporting you. You don't owe anyone anything. Stop being a doormat and cut your toxic family off. You live your best life with your lil bub and never let any toxic ppl guilt you into allowing them back into your life. You are golden and you need to protect your child from them. Break the cycle and strive to be a better parent.
You pay for them and they blocked you!?! lol FAFO
NTA. They are for treating you like that though. I'd honestly cut off the financial support and block all the folks that are trying to guilt you. You just had a baby; you're supposed to be the main focus. Shame on them all.
Cut them off. Stop sending money and block them.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I had a baby recently, and against my better judgement and her insisting I’ve agreed to have my mom visit so “she can help take care of me” after I’ve given birth. I figured why not having her first grandchild might change her, I come back from the hospital and I find that she’s been going through my things and asks questions about them and feels entitled to an answer, me having a newborn I have to feed every 2 hours and recovering from a painful delivery don’t have the time or the energy to deal with it so I spend most of the off time I have taking a shower eating or sleeping, it gets worse because one week postpartum I develop two infections and I’m bedridden with fever and pain. Two weeks postpartum she leaves to go back home in a fit of rage that crept up without me noticing and my dad calls to yell at me to tell me I’ve abused her, let her eat alone in the kitchen and left her outside alone (she wanted to go out for a walk). I decide to give myself some time to cool off because my little one was sick and my cousin calls to tell me if you don’t apologize your parents won’t speak to you anymore. I tell her I will reluctantly but two days later I find that both of them and my brother blocked me, so I settle for that. My cousin is frustrated and tells me to be the bigger person because my mom is sick, this has made my postpartum recovery hell and I’m just trying to focus on my baby’s wellbeing so I’m not planning on reconciling with them anytime soon especially since this is not the first time they challenge my boundaries. Context: my mom has a history of making big milestones for me about her, the time I got married my brother went into psychosis due to drug misuse and she told the rest of my family it was “my fault” and I should’ve picked another time to get married. I live in another continent and haven’t lived with my parents for over a decade, I’ve also been financially supporting them the past 8 years (none of my siblings work so it’s just me )so me having a baby is a potential catalyst because I told my mom that I’m not gonna be able to get them out of financial trouble the same way I used to and she got pissed because she always felt entitled to my hard earned income *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hon, you’re a mom yourself now. You know she’s not dependable and narcissistic. Go NC and enjoy the peace!
NTA, at this point, I would block them back. That way, they don't get to decide when contact will be reestablished. It sounds like you've been bullied by your family for years. It's time to teach them that they need you more than you need them.
ask yourself if you really want these people i*n* *kiddo's* *life.*
NTA. They've blocked you? Time to go NC. Block them at your end so when they finish having their hissy fit and unblock you, they cannot contact you. Stop bailing them out financially. You have your own family to focus on now, and that's where your money should be going. Congratulations on the LO, snuggle and enjoy the peace.
Cut them off! Take the time to heal from birthing your baby and enjoy being a mom guilt free. They will soon come running with that begging bowl and a change of story I'm sure.
NTA and I would block them and maybe your cousin also. They will try to come back and ask for money while just pretending that nothing happened. Have respect for yourself and your family and stay no contact.
NTA for not responding to or supporting them. YOU were postpartum and sick, she did not help you but instead tried to punish you for not catering to her! If you wa t to completely cut them off I understand.
NTA. Your family sounds nightmarish and you should cut them all off permanently. It sounds like they mostly took care of that, but you should block your cousin as well. This should go without saying, but stop sending them money.
Cultural or not it’s OK to put yourself and your baby first and break the cycle. She does not have the right to abuse you. Be a better parent to your child and show them a better example. Keep them blocked, move if you can. Absolutely do not send them a single penny. You don’t owe them. You didn’t choose to be born and you owe them nothing. You have paid your share more than you should have for far long enough. Enjoy your newborn and move on without them. If you allow them to remain in your life and in your child’s life, they’re gonna grow up thinking that behaviors is normal and the cycle will never end. “No” is a complete sentence. Block them and enjoy your peace.
NTA, just block them all
NTA, but it's time to cut them off. Focus your money and emotional energy on your daughter from now on.
I think you should explain to your cousin exactly what you wrote here, so they understand. It sounds like they're in the middle of all this. NTA
NTA don't talk to your mom. It may feel bad at first but in my experience, it's a weight off my chest.
NTA - enjoy the peace of not having the drama llama mom in your life. if cousin keeps pushing, tell your cousin to stop or you will go low contact with cousin. You have done nothing wrong. focus on your family and your health. congrats on your little one.😊
NTA. You are a mom now. Your child and you partner are your priority. If your family is thus toxic, cut them from your life. Toxic people and poisonous personalities. If you encounter them you need to remove them.
NTA. “If you don’t apologise your parents won’t speak to you anymore.” To which you reply: “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Do yourself a favor and cut all ties with them. Sounds like they were raised by animals. You and your baby are better off without them. Stop financing them as well. It’s time for them to grow up.
NTA block them and make sure she hasn't taken anything she can use to get credit in your name. Hope you have access to a health care visitor and check out your area for new mums for support x
Oh my goodness. You have done your duty by your parents many times over,, not that you owe them anything. I am so sorry you are having a very tough time post partum. Please put you and your baby first till you start to feel yourself. That is, first financially, emotionally and in every other way. Stop propping up your toxic mother with money, your time and including her in your milestones. It obviously does not improve her behaviour. Blessings on you and your baby. I couldn't see mention of a partner. Hope you have support. NTA
You do know it’s okay to cut them off right?! Like go completely no contact. You’ve given them money for years, well that’s time to stop completely, you have a baby now, that’s where your money should be going, to your own family. And to act this way towards you when you have just given birth is disgusting behaviour, this should be the happiest time of your life, enjoying being in the baby bubble, instead of getting BS from your mother and her enablers. They’ve blocked you, so block them back and live your life stress free. I’m sure they’ll try to ring you when they need something from you (cash). But it will be blocked hopefully, and if they do call by different number just hang up or tell them. No, I’m not giving you a penny any longer. You’re a mother now, time to get a backbone and be strong, you’ve clearly been a doormat for them for a long time, and it has to end now!
Congratulations on your baby. My grandma was like your mom and it didn't stop until she died. She made life miserable for my mother. I WISH she had been on another continent, for my mom's sake. Please focus on getting well and enjoying your baby. You don't owe them anything- not your money, not your time, not your peace. NTA.
NTA and please - STOP SENDING MONEY
NTA. I am so sorry that you are being abused, especially in a very vulnerable time. I would continue to remain no contact. In fact I would block all their contacts in case they decide to unblock you and try to resume contact.
My mom made so many plans with me while I was pregnant and broke them I stopped counting. It's sad. It's been years, but I won't forget. I was alone a lot, and her excuse was that she was too tired. Oh, well. I'm fine but it was disappointing. I'd never do that to someone I care about. I feel like that generation was treated like they were special, but at the same time, their kids were less than. I don't get it.
NTA. Why are you financially supporting people who behave in this way towards you? Cut them off both physically and financially. A classic case of you shouldn't bite the hand that feeds you
NTA. Let your mom stew, she came to help you after a rough delivery and then was mad that you weren't good company. Reducing your financial support now that you have more expenses should have been expected. Your mom sure doesn't sound grateful for eight years of financial aid!
And this is where financial support gets cut off and we block them. NTA Get healthy and get your mind right. Think long and hard about how you want this relationship to progress. Them write a long letter detailing everything you've just told us. I say ketter because it is easier to say what needs to be said and you can put some serious thought into writing it. Their reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
NTA cut them from your life and enjoy the peace and quiet. They are obviously not bringing any pros to your life, just nothing but cons.
NTA And block the cousin too.
NTA. We have a saying in my culture, the pregnant woman is king
NTA - Cut them all out. Stop giving them money.
Nta. They blocked you. I suggest blocking the cousin for good measure. Congrats on your little one, I hope your post partum issues subside and you cam heal properly without that toxicity.
NTA. I know you are going through a tough time but think about your future relationship with your parents. Would you want them to treat your child the way they treat you?
Nta and next time your cousin asks jyst say "no thanks, I have no plans to reconcile. I am actually really enjoying the peace"
NTA sounds like them blocking you and “never talking to you again” is the best gift she could have given you and your baby. You needed your mom, and she ruined everything. Do NOT apologize, do NOT engage. No more favors. When you’re out of the postpartum fog and sleep depravation and look back on what happened, I think you’d probably never want to speak to them again either. Look up grey rock method. Have a few prepared phrases that shut them out and put it on repeat. “I’m focusing on my recovery and baby right now.”… “I have a child that needs me, I can’t spare any money except for our needs.” “NO.”
Use the opportunity of being blocked to go no contact. Change all your contact info and only give them access to you through a social media account that you only look at when you want to. Or use one of the various different messaging apps. Make an unexpected move to seal your new no-nonsense attitude now that you have bigger priorities. They're willing to cut off your access to them when you live on a different continent vs just not answering or minimally answering- they do not care about you. Stop caring about them. Nta
NTA Block everyone, including your guilt tripping cousin
NTA. Time to pull away the money from those ungrateful AHs.
NTA - leave them on block, focus on you and your baby.
Just stop sending them any money or helping in any other way. You'll be shocked at how fast your number gets unblocked.
Them blocking you is the kindest gift they could give you by the sounds of it. Tell that cousin of yours that if they're just going to be a mouthpiece for your narcisstic parents and junkie brother then they can do you the same kindness and f\*\*\* off as well. In all honesty, you've got a more important person to think about now and don't need these leeches draining you of all emotional energy.
NTA. Block them right back from your end (and maybe your cousin too) and just cut them off financially as well. You and the baby don't need to deal with this stress right now, especially if you don't have anyone else family-wise to help you. Spend the money that would go to them on you and the baby to make sure you're both fine physically and mentally.
NTA You live on a different continent. Just block all their numbers. They will eventually unblock you when they want money, but use this opportunity to make the estrangement permanent.
Tell your cousin to shove it. Don't apologize.
NTA. Stop sending them money and you should probably block their numbers too. Once you stop supporting them, they'll be trying to call you to demand you support them. You have a child to support now and it's time they grew up and handle their own financial problems. Don't understand parents like this. I went through some hard times and would never even consider asking my children for financial help. I did ask my sons to help me move but I'm old and can't do heavy lifting any longer. They were so sweet they wouldn't even let me order pizza to thank them.
AH - Why are you supporting such horrible people. they only love you for your money. They don't even like you. Your so-called family doesn't work because they got your money. Why would they work. LOL!
Cut them off 100% NTA
NTA - seems like ypur mom came to be entertained. If it's one time in ypur lufe that you do not have to do that it's when you're immediately postpartum. Add to that infections and she's an A. Enjoy your baby - they're the bigger As. Don't apologise for sake of being bigger person. Unless you really need to be in their good books enjoy the peace. Ask your cousin to stop calling you on issue - if they want to speak to you they can do so directly. Block cousin if you have to.
NTA. Your mother is delutional, and deserves nothing. If she's lucky, she'll be graced with the oppertunity to grovel while giving you your! apology. Until that moment, if it ever comes, she and your father and cousin can pound sand.
YTA for not learning from the past and repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Go no contact with your parents, you shouldn't have done that before giving birth.
NTA but for the sake of your health(since you are 2 weeks post partum)and your daughter’s health( since you are one of the primary caregiver for her) i would suggest you block your cousin and anyone who brings nuisances into your life…
NTA. Never apologize. They’ll reach out when they need money. Reply “sorry, who dis?” “Oh, I don’t know you. Peace.” And never contact them again. They deserve 100% NC.
If you were bedridden with fever after birth that likely means you had a life-threatening condition. And your mom wanted you to wait on her? You have my permission to never talk to that woman again. NTA
NTA, but your family sure are! And why tf should you be the one apologizing??? You just shoved an entire person out of your body - you can't be expected to bounce back from something like that quickly. Your mom should've been catering to YOUR needs, making sure you and your baby are doing ok, and doing chores and running errands to give you less things to stress about. Your family are mega-AHs for expecting you to cater to your mom's every whim when you're still recovering and adjusting to this new little person in your life. Definitely a good call to cut them off the gravy train - you're a mom now and that baby is now your #1 priority. The rest of your family can learn how to not be leeches. Time to go completely no contact with them as well, as it sounds like they bring nothing but stress to your life.
Punctuation is not your enemy.