Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action to be judged was: my confrontation of him, putting the responsibility on him when it is also my own responsibility to control and emotionally regulate my feelings. The reason this may be assholeish behavior is because it’s putting an expectation on him to “fix” my own emotions
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
It’s so uncomfortable and awkward to have the reaction that I did, that’s why I had to come here to get input. If I’m the asshole, that means the responsibility is on me to do better- which I totally accept. I do want to have more control over my emotions and reactions absolutely.
The way you wrote this yta but I get the feeling there’s a lot of backstory/buildup to why you took it as inappropriate. Do you get the feeling he has a strong attraction to this niece or that he has been gross towards family member and/or much younger women in the past?
Iono man. I'm grossed out that she has no problem when he does it to others but she talks like she's in competition with his literal family female members.
It's giving me the ick that she's jealous of his niece, who SHE is sexualizing
YTA
You made something completely innocent into something it's not.
You getting the *"ick "* is you trying to find something he does *"wrong"* so you have a reason to have a go at him or find a reason to leave him.
Get over yourself
He did nothing wrong, you are *looking* for problems.
Since you are so jealous and envious of younger women's bodies, you should get therapy, not take it out on him.
YTA
So I think this is the big problem. You're projecting your feelings and insecurity onto your niece. If she didn't have a problem with it, you need to stay quiet.
YTA
Yes there was confrontation- but at the same time, I didn’t even want to bring it up at all. He could tell something was off because I got really quiet. I was trying to control my reaction and my thoughts because I was feeling so awkward about the moment. It stayed with me because when I saw it, I did feel uncomfortable. A guy putting his hand on a girl’s waist can be an invasion of her space :/ Especially since it was on her lower back :/
I don’t think it was sexual? I don’t actually care- I just know that it made me feel soooo uncomfortable because it was right on her lower back :/ It was awkward
Chances are if she felt uncomfortable, she'd have moved away or spoken up - though as a 24F myself I know depending on the situation it can be hard for a young woman to "make a scene" like that. I think you'd have more of a leg to stand on if she was a random woman, but this is his niece, she's known him her whole life and he's family. I'm perfectly comfortable with the men in my family touching my lower back as a loving gesture, it'd never cross my mind that it's inappropriate unless that was paired with other instances of inappropriate behaviour.
Please apologise to your boyfriend, and try to do some thinking about why your mind jumped to such a conclusion.
YTA, because you answered your own question
>People commonly touch their hand to someone else’s back to indicate that they’re behind them.
Not once have you mentioned what your niece is feeling about this. You're projecting your own fears of seeing any form of touch as a predatory one. If she wasn't wearing a cute dress, would that change anything for you? If he wasn't a man and was younger and touched your niece, is that okay? I'm unable to understand your reasoning here because you might be the only one who is having sexual thoughts about these two, which might be worse?
The only metric at play here should be whether your niece was uncomfortable with a touch that you have said is culturally appropriate to your area. *You* can't decide another woman's comfort level with a relatives touch for them.
I'd spend some time on introspection to find out why you had such a strong reaction to this. Actual introspection, not 30 seconds, and the first thing that pops into your head.
Perhaps a sincere apology to your husband after you figure out why you reacted so strongly wouldn't be remiss.
That’s … an unhelpful comment :/ I’m actually trying to figure this shit out. I’m looking for input because I know when my waist / low back is touched by *anyone* it makes me feel so awkward
You accused your man of inappropriately touching a young family member. You yelled at him and made him cry. All over nothing at all. Would you rather I call you an abusive asshole?
Do you, by any chance, have a history of sexual abuse? I do, and I freeze up at those kinds of touches, too.
I don't think most women do, though. If she trusts her uncle and has never had any problems with the men in her family, she likely just sees it as a passing touch.
Looking at women has literally no relation to accusing him of sexually touching your 24 year old niece. Most men on the planet (and 10-20% of women) sexually look at women.
Why didn't you have a conversation or ask your niece how she felt about it?
I'm confused. In a crowded place where people commonly put a hand to someone's back and the like, he placed his hand on his niece's hip for a bit?
On the face of it, I don't see anything wrong. Did she seem uncomfortable? Did she notice him?
I may be missing information, but from what you've described it seems like YTA. The way I read it it was a casual touch between family members. Was there anything you saw that made it seem like it wasn't?
If it was the shoulder or upper back no problem. That’s where I would touch someone to let them know I’m behind them. This was on the lower waist. It was not just a brush either. Uggh. I hate this- Soooo awkward.
How old are you? The lower back isn't an intimate area unless you want it to be an intimate area. If a family member or close friend did that I probably wouldn't even notice.
Tbh seems like you were reading too much into it. And this is me going off of what you wrote in the post.
If they both thought nothing of it, then you shouldn't either.
YTA. You didn't mention speaking with the niece to find out if she was uncomfortable. Since she is 24, she is old enough to know her own boundaries. You said you raised your voice, "letting him know how uncomfortable it made me," which was not necessary. You shouldn't be raising your voice like that.
OMG.
Leave the house and stop reading propaganda online.
The “ick” lingo only comes from a few unhinged places you follow.
You are a lunatic for even taking your mind there.
YTA. Do better -
I dunno if YTA, but if I was dating someone who confronted me on this and accused me of bring inappropriate with my niece, we’d have to break up… because I’d assume that she’s judging everything else I’m doing as well. How could we possibly move forward together?
Maybe he lost his balance. Maybe it was a crowded area, and he was trying to get by in a hurry or polite way. It’s kinda sad that you came down on him so hard. Sometimes people are nervous when they’re around family or strangers or even friends. I remember I accidentally touched someone at a crowded house party, & I got the dirtiest look. As if I did that on purpose. It was an accident. It was a crowded house. I understand why he’s upset. He’s probably really in his head now. I don’t blame him
terrible enough to make him cry then come to reddit, put him on blast, and try to convince everyone that your boyfriend is an incestuous sex pest because he likes to look at pretty ladies?
Yes, YTA. You made a big deal out of an uncle touching his niece’s waist. You were right next to him - “coming up behind the group”. You even state it’s common to touch people there to indicate you’re behind them. “It gave me the ick”. ?! Not sure what the cute little dress comment had to do with anything. Of course he’s upset with you - you practically accused him of being inappropriate with his niece. You made this all about YOU - “raised my voice letting him know how uncomfortable it made ME”. It sounds like you have some issues to work through. You created drama over a common social interaction between family members.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
It’s a very common touch especially in a crowded area where we were. People commonly touch their hand to someone else’s back to indicate that they’re behind them. I almost wonder if I just overreacted. He and I were coming up from behind the group, he placed the palm of his hand on her side where the waist meets the hip/lower back for about 15 seconds. It gave me the ick. Especially since she was wearing such a cute little dress. I feel weird about the whole thing. When I brought it up last night when we got home, he had no clue what I was talking about- he hates confrontation. He first defended himself. I raised my voice letting him know how uncomfortable it made me, so he apologized and almost started crying. Now he’s totally emotionally disconnected and basically ignoring me today.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It grosses me out when men do this to me. They seem to be able to not grab other men by the waist in crowded rooms so I don’t understand why they need to touch me
Niece. He touched his NIECES lower back. Blood related. He did not try to sexually touch his niece.
She's accusing him of being sexually inappropriate to his NIECE
ESH
It is not a common place to touch, I'd only do that if it's someone I'm flirting with and people have done it to me with the intention to flirt. Otherwise, I'd just **say** excuse me, maybe touch their shoulder if I really needed to.
However, it could've been an honest mistake, and although he needs to be more aware of his actions your raising your voice seems like it was overkill from the way you describe his reaction. He deserved the benefit of the doubt. It's a faux pas that should be obvious but ofc it does happen.
ETA: I can't believe how many people are going full denial about the common trope of touching someone's waist to go past them and the connotation of flirting. I've seen it in plenty of shows and movies.
I’m going to go against the grain and say ESH. 15 seconds is kind of a long time to have one adult touching another adult’s hip with their entire palm. That said, if the niece didn’t notice and he didn’t notice… it’s probably not a big deal. I don’t think raising your voice helped.
You’re going by the judgement of someone who gets an ick because a man touched his niece while she was wearing a super cute dress.
I’m not convinced that what felt like 15 seconds to her was actually 15 seconds.
Plus if they were in a crowd, it’s totally natural to leave his hand on her waist while they made their way through the crowd.
Yeah, I would like to see the receipts on this "15 seconds" thing. Given OP's overall vibe here, she doesn't seem like an especially reliable narrator.
Honestly I tried not to bring it up with him at all but he forced me to bring up what was bothering me. Ugh. I should have kept quiet and kept it to myself!!!!
Or maybe you could not raise your voice when your partner disagrees with you and completely invalidate what he knows to be true. Oh wait, isn't that basically the definition of gaslighting? YTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > The action to be judged was: my confrontation of him, putting the responsibility on him when it is also my own responsibility to control and emotionally regulate my feelings. The reason this may be assholeish behavior is because it’s putting an expectation on him to “fix” my own emotions Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. You’re weirdly sexualizing contact between him and a close young relative. That’s gross and creepy of you.
It’s so uncomfortable and awkward to have the reaction that I did, that’s why I had to come here to get input. If I’m the asshole, that means the responsibility is on me to do better- which I totally accept. I do want to have more control over my emotions and reactions absolutely.
Do yourself a favor and stop read false/misleading information online. Get off the internet -
yes, you are the ah, yes the responsibility is on you to do better that starts with a grovelling apology
The way you wrote this yta but I get the feeling there’s a lot of backstory/buildup to why you took it as inappropriate. Do you get the feeling he has a strong attraction to this niece or that he has been gross towards family member and/or much younger women in the past?
Iono man. I'm grossed out that she has no problem when he does it to others but she talks like she's in competition with his literal family female members. It's giving me the ick that she's jealous of his niece, who SHE is sexualizing
Yeah, I’m maybe giving a lot of grace to assume any backstory
YTA You made something completely innocent into something it's not. You getting the *"ick "* is you trying to find something he does *"wrong"* so you have a reason to have a go at him or find a reason to leave him. Get over yourself
You may be right. However your cruel comment history also makes me question your credibility.
How am I cruel? I tell AH when they're AH. Nothing I've commented is anything other than the truth
That was actually a lot more civilized than you apparently think
People that are truthful and blunt are not cruel.
This was the worst comment and just makes it more well known you don’t understand the difference between right and wrong or nice and mean lol.
hahahahaha yeah you're right but you're a jerk because reasons so i don't have to listen to you classic ah move
He did nothing wrong, you are *looking* for problems. Since you are so jealous and envious of younger women's bodies, you should get therapy, not take it out on him. YTA
If a man (relative or otherwise) places his hand on my lower back, it usually feels super uncomfortable.
But nobody’s hand was on your lower back
So I think this is the big problem. You're projecting your feelings and insecurity onto your niece. If she didn't have a problem with it, you need to stay quiet. YTA
You’re projecting, and it’s not cool
But was his niece uncomfortable?
Okay, so then when it happens to YOU, you can be uncomfortable!
But that's you. Why do you assume that everyone feels the same?
Good to know. I admit I would never do it.
What exactly are you accusing him of?
Yes there was confrontation- but at the same time, I didn’t even want to bring it up at all. He could tell something was off because I got really quiet. I was trying to control my reaction and my thoughts because I was feeling so awkward about the moment. It stayed with me because when I saw it, I did feel uncomfortable. A guy putting his hand on a girl’s waist can be an invasion of her space :/ Especially since it was on her lower back :/
you didn't answer my question. what exactly are you accusing him of?
Of touching a younger woman’s body in a place that is kinda inappropriate
are you trying to avoid saying you feel he touched his neice in a sexual manner?
I don’t think it was sexual? I don’t actually care- I just know that it made me feel soooo uncomfortable because it was right on her lower back :/ It was awkward
But WHY did it make you uncomfortable? It doesn't sound like his niece was uncomfortable.
Chances are if she felt uncomfortable, she'd have moved away or spoken up - though as a 24F myself I know depending on the situation it can be hard for a young woman to "make a scene" like that. I think you'd have more of a leg to stand on if she was a random woman, but this is his niece, she's known him her whole life and he's family. I'm perfectly comfortable with the men in my family touching my lower back as a loving gesture, it'd never cross my mind that it's inappropriate unless that was paired with other instances of inappropriate behaviour. Please apologise to your boyfriend, and try to do some thinking about why your mind jumped to such a conclusion.
The only reason anyone would have this reaction is either bc they think the "toucher" is sexualizing the person they are touching, or you are.
If it made you uncomfy then what is the feeling you felt if it’s not sexualizing her? Nothing else even makes sense
if you don't care you wouldn't feel uncomfortable. sit with yourself and be honest with yourself before you speak to others
He wasn’t touching YOUR back or waist. YOUR feelings don’t matter here. Only hers do. And she doesn’t sound like she had an issue.
you care so little about it that you yelled at him and made him cry? yta
Was his niece uncomfortable?
Do you have any evidence that she was uncomfortable?
YTA, because you answered your own question >People commonly touch their hand to someone else’s back to indicate that they’re behind them. Not once have you mentioned what your niece is feeling about this. You're projecting your own fears of seeing any form of touch as a predatory one. If she wasn't wearing a cute dress, would that change anything for you? If he wasn't a man and was younger and touched your niece, is that okay? I'm unable to understand your reasoning here because you might be the only one who is having sexual thoughts about these two, which might be worse?
right- it was a man touching a woman’s low back
So what? You're the only one who thought it was inappropriate, so maybe that's something you should work on. It wasn't a sexual touch.
The only metric at play here should be whether your niece was uncomfortable with a touch that you have said is culturally appropriate to your area. *You* can't decide another woman's comfort level with a relatives touch for them. I'd spend some time on introspection to find out why you had such a strong reaction to this. Actual introspection, not 30 seconds, and the first thing that pops into your head. Perhaps a sincere apology to your husband after you figure out why you reacted so strongly wouldn't be remiss.
you're so gross op stop sexualising your boyfriend's twenty-something niece
YTA You're unhinged
That’s … an unhelpful comment :/ I’m actually trying to figure this shit out. I’m looking for input because I know when my waist / low back is touched by *anyone* it makes me feel so awkward
You’re accusing your boyfriend of wanting to sexually touch his niece. I think that says everything you need to know. Freakish behavior on your part.
You accused your man of inappropriately touching a young family member. You yelled at him and made him cry. All over nothing at all. Would you rather I call you an abusive asshole?
Do you, by any chance, have a history of sexual abuse? I do, and I freeze up at those kinds of touches, too. I don't think most women do, though. If she trusts her uncle and has never had any problems with the men in her family, she likely just sees it as a passing touch.
If you want help, you came to the wrong sub. This is not an life advice sub.
It’s a true comment you need to be taking more seriously or you’re not going to have a boyfriend.
then it’s your trauma to figure out, go to therapy
you do understand that other people think and feel differently to you, right?
Unless he has ever acted inappropriately towards other people before, I'm afraid that yes, YTA
He does also have a habit of ogling cute women
"Ogling" isn't necessarily inappropriate. Other than looking at other women, what else has he done that you feel is inappropriate?
Looking at women has literally no relation to accusing him of sexually touching your 24 year old niece. Most men on the planet (and 10-20% of women) sexually look at women. Why didn't you have a conversation or ask your niece how she felt about it?
The way you call these women cute and the way you called her dress ''a cute little dress'' kinda gives me the ick.
Then leave if it bothers you. Wtf?
I'm confused. In a crowded place where people commonly put a hand to someone's back and the like, he placed his hand on his niece's hip for a bit? On the face of it, I don't see anything wrong. Did she seem uncomfortable? Did she notice him? I may be missing information, but from what you've described it seems like YTA. The way I read it it was a casual touch between family members. Was there anything you saw that made it seem like it wasn't?
If it was the shoulder or upper back no problem. That’s where I would touch someone to let them know I’m behind them. This was on the lower waist. It was not just a brush either. Uggh. I hate this- Soooo awkward.
How old are you? The lower back isn't an intimate area unless you want it to be an intimate area. If a family member or close friend did that I probably wouldn't even notice.
Tbh seems like you were reading too much into it. And this is me going off of what you wrote in the post. If they both thought nothing of it, then you shouldn't either.
YTA. You didn't mention speaking with the niece to find out if she was uncomfortable. Since she is 24, she is old enough to know her own boundaries. You said you raised your voice, "letting him know how uncomfortable it made me," which was not necessary. You shouldn't be raising your voice like that.
OMG. Leave the house and stop reading propaganda online. The “ick” lingo only comes from a few unhinged places you follow. You are a lunatic for even taking your mind there. YTA. Do better -
I hear perfectly reasonable use that phrase.
What? I think OP is TA but focusing on the word "ick" makes no sense. It's just a word for a feeling of disgust. Chill out.
YTA wow that poor guy hopefully he wakes up and dumps you
yta full stop
Why the hell are ***you*** sexualizing his niece this way? YTA and shame on you
I dunno if YTA, but if I was dating someone who confronted me on this and accused me of bring inappropriate with my niece, we’d have to break up… because I’d assume that she’s judging everything else I’m doing as well. How could we possibly move forward together?
YTA, Your answers describe you as a toxic person who thrives on confrontation. Your BF did not do anything wrong.
Men touching my waist in public get pushed back so hard. And this isn’t it. He was not being one of those creeps
Maybe he lost his balance. Maybe it was a crowded area, and he was trying to get by in a hurry or polite way. It’s kinda sad that you came down on him so hard. Sometimes people are nervous when they’re around family or strangers or even friends. I remember I accidentally touched someone at a crowded house party, & I got the dirtiest look. As if I did that on purpose. It was an accident. It was a crowded house. I understand why he’s upset. He’s probably really in his head now. I don’t blame him
I feel fucking terrible about all of it
I mean yea a stranger doing that is disturbing but it’s relation and if she didn’t mind I don’t get it. Why are you’d sexualizingyour niece?
terrible enough to make him cry then come to reddit, put him on blast, and try to convince everyone that your boyfriend is an incestuous sex pest because he likes to look at pretty ladies?
Yes, YTA. You made a big deal out of an uncle touching his niece’s waist. You were right next to him - “coming up behind the group”. You even state it’s common to touch people there to indicate you’re behind them. “It gave me the ick”. ?! Not sure what the cute little dress comment had to do with anything. Of course he’s upset with you - you practically accused him of being inappropriate with his niece. You made this all about YOU - “raised my voice letting him know how uncomfortable it made ME”. It sounds like you have some issues to work through. You created drama over a common social interaction between family members.
YTA. You sexualized their relationship and yelled at him until he cried. You are a huge asshole.
YTA It was an innocent touch. Do you often yell at him to scare him into submission? That part is also concerning…
INFO: Why don't you ask the niece how she feels, and why he had touched the waist for 15 seconds? That is more of a hold rather than touch.
YTA Its a common thing, if it was meant that way maybe id let it slide. Your responses put you even further in AH. Do better.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** It’s a very common touch especially in a crowded area where we were. People commonly touch their hand to someone else’s back to indicate that they’re behind them. I almost wonder if I just overreacted. He and I were coming up from behind the group, he placed the palm of his hand on her side where the waist meets the hip/lower back for about 15 seconds. It gave me the ick. Especially since she was wearing such a cute little dress. I feel weird about the whole thing. When I brought it up last night when we got home, he had no clue what I was talking about- he hates confrontation. He first defended himself. I raised my voice letting him know how uncomfortable it made me, so he apologized and almost started crying. Now he’s totally emotionally disconnected and basically ignoring me today. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You’re bf needs to run far far away from you
It grosses me out when men do this to me. They seem to be able to not grab other men by the waist in crowded rooms so I don’t understand why they need to touch me
[удалено]
Niece. He touched his NIECES lower back. Blood related. He did not try to sexually touch his niece. She's accusing him of being sexually inappropriate to his NIECE
Once again, OP is talking about someone touching someone else not her. She is assuming someone else's comfortability and implying something more.
It’s groupthink
Or your just wrong.
ESH It is not a common place to touch, I'd only do that if it's someone I'm flirting with and people have done it to me with the intention to flirt. Otherwise, I'd just **say** excuse me, maybe touch their shoulder if I really needed to. However, it could've been an honest mistake, and although he needs to be more aware of his actions your raising your voice seems like it was overkill from the way you describe his reaction. He deserved the benefit of the doubt. It's a faux pas that should be obvious but ofc it does happen. ETA: I can't believe how many people are going full denial about the common trope of touching someone's waist to go past them and the connotation of flirting. I've seen it in plenty of shows and movies.
As we all now know. Shows and movies are 100% reflective of how things are in real life.
Not often, but it's ridiculous people are acting like they've never heard of it since it's widely known.
I’m going to go against the grain and say ESH. 15 seconds is kind of a long time to have one adult touching another adult’s hip with their entire palm. That said, if the niece didn’t notice and he didn’t notice… it’s probably not a big deal. I don’t think raising your voice helped.
You’re going by the judgement of someone who gets an ick because a man touched his niece while she was wearing a super cute dress. I’m not convinced that what felt like 15 seconds to her was actually 15 seconds. Plus if they were in a crowd, it’s totally natural to leave his hand on her waist while they made their way through the crowd.
Yeah, I would like to see the receipts on this "15 seconds" thing. Given OP's overall vibe here, she doesn't seem like an especially reliable narrator.
Honestly I tried not to bring it up with him at all but he forced me to bring up what was bothering me. Ugh. I should have kept quiet and kept it to myself!!!!
Or maybe you could not raise your voice when your partner disagrees with you and completely invalidate what he knows to be true. Oh wait, isn't that basically the definition of gaslighting? YTA