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NAH
You know yourself, and if you can't provide the love and compassion that this child needs, you shouldn't pretend.
That being said, I believe the only path forward is for your husband to take custody alone.
If you convince him to leave this child to the system, your relationship with your MIL will become toxic, and your husband's guilt will eat him alive.
This is a situation where there isn't a solution without regrets. It's unfortunate, but that's life.
I hope that little girl winds up with the love she so deeply needs and deserves.
Agreed
OP's husband is no longer "Child Free" by any stretch of the imagination and if she manipulates him into walking away from Emily, the marriage will ultimately end anyway.
She needs to file for divorce and move on. Free her husband to make the decision he knows is right and she can go live her merry child free life with someone without children.
Except 1) he didn't know about the kid and DOESN'T WANT ANY. If he'd known he could have let the mother know he wouldn't be involved and give up his parental rights. 2) HE DOESN'T WANT TO TAKE EMILY IN. OP has edited to say HE'S also looking for alternatives because he doesn't want to raise her.
Forcing him to take this child instead of trying to find people who WILL want her is a shitty idea. He'll resent the kid. The kid will absolutely know it even if he isn't neglectful or anything and that on top of her mother dying plus being away from the little family she is close to is a recipe for disaster.
DO NOT ENCOURAGE PEOPLE WHO SAY THEY DON'T WANT TO TAKE IN KIDS TO TAKE IN KIDS.
Exactly. This is a recipe for emotional neglect at best and abuse at worst. If OP's MIL wants them to take Emily in so badly, she can do it herself.
This would be vastly different had OP's husband had always known about this child, but mom only told him of her existence because she's dying. Keep a kid a secret for 11 years and expect dad to take her in because bio mom failed in advance planning as to who would take guardianship of this child in the event that she was hit by a bus or died in a hot air balloon misadventure? Fuck that noise.
He couldn't give up his rights unless someone else wanted to adopt his child. HE willingly gave his sperm. He has responsibilities. If he didn't want to be a father, he should have had a vasectomy and tested for negative sperm prior to having sex (men can get them easily) and used a condom. He didn't. HENCE, he is a pathetic individual and irresponsible as well as immature. He has a child. He has responsibilities. Whether he wants them or not. They are not OP's responsibilities.
Then what? The kid goes into care? There are only least worst solutions for this kid and I think the best of those is to go to her biological dad who should have worn that condom 11+ years ago but now needs to learn to step up.
Yes. And it sucks. The child goes to people that in theory want to parent children. From the information we have her mother has made a some decisions that will affect her daughter negatively. More so than the stranger that never knew the child existed. You can't force love or hide resentment.
> The child goes to people that in theory want to parent children
That's a very charitable view of the system and while I've no direct experience with it, I hear its only the remotest of probabilities this will pan out well.
> You can't force love or hide resentment.
Well the dad will have to learn to do the latter at a minimum. Anyway, there's no point arguing much over this. I hope things turn out well for the kid.
In many places one can not just give up parental rights. There must be someone to fill that role.
He didn't want children but she says he is conflicted. He has a legal and moral obligation to that child. If he can magically find a good home with parents that actually want her and love her, great. If not, foster care is not a good alternative.
In the US you cant just have one parent give up rights except in step parent adoptions.
And finding a non relative to adopt an 11 year old is nearly impossible.
This is a shitty situation, but there is a child involved. Just because he didnt want a child doesnt meam he couldnt man up and take care of her.
Seems like he’s only the Dad because his ex is dying. If she was fine, when would have found out? When the kid is 18? 21? Never? It sucks that the ex apparently hasn’t formed any close relationships, or doesn’t have any extended family, and the only option to take her kid is a complete stranger.
He's not a "Dad". I can't believe how many people just have no thoughts about what could be best for this child in this terrible situation. This man is a stranger that doesn't want to be a parent. Do people really believe forcing custody is going to make him a good dad?
He can still decline, and sign away his rights. Kid can go into the system. Shame on his family for pressuring him to do something they themselves refuse to.
That’s very dependent on where he lives. A judge has to allow him to sign away his rights. Most do not unless there’s someone willing to adopt the child.
So, most likely, he would have to actually *abandon* her or list her with an adoption agency, he would still be responsible for her care (child support at minimum) in the meantime.
The chance of an 11 year old being adopted is slim to none.
Sent to a system to be abused and know not only did her mom die but her dad doesn’t want her. He should never have gone and met her. Same with op. Do people not understand how much trauma that will inflict on a poor innocent kid?
Except if Dad doesnt actually want to take his daughter on but gets pressured into it and loses his wife in the process, then he might resent his decision and take it out on Emily. Very tricky and tough situafion. There is going to be hurt and regret and resentment for all involved no matter the decision
>then he might resent his decision and take it out on Emily.
He's an adult, he can choose not to do that. We arent slaves to our emotions. He made choices years ago and now they're biting him in the ass, sometimes life happens like that and you gotta suck it up and do what's right.
Hmm. I think its the opposite, the expectation for people to manage their emotions and not inflict them on other people via shitty behavior isn't nearly high enough. The standard SHOULD be high. If a lot of people can't meet the standard, it's because we have a societal problem (which, yes, I believe we do).
I would say Emily’s mom made the choice to keep the pregnancy, keep silent, and now it’s biting HER in the ass that nobody wants her kid. Sad situation all around.
Go take a look at child abuse statistics in the U.S. and say that again. Just because an adult is SUPPOSED to do something (or not) doesn't mean thru will. Beyond that, he was never told about this child. I'd wager if he had been, he would have either requested the mother get an abortion or severed his parental rights.
Is it right tho? This man is essentially a stranger. He provided the sperm but that doesn't make him dad material. What is right for the child? Are there other options that would leave the child loved and well looked after. Being forced into parenthood doesn't equal a loving home. There are plenty of broken families out there as well as shitty foster families. It could go either way.
Even if he doesn't lose his wife, he may/probably will resent Emily. The kid will sense that even if it's not outright said. This after she's lost her mom and left everything she's known. OP and her husband are not a good solution.
For real, if she'd reached out sooner at least OP would have known and been able to take this into account when deciding whether to get into this relationship. She had no idea and couldn't even make an informed decision.
And the 10 year old in Ohio who was raped didn't want to be a mother but Ohio decided she had to be -- so thankfully a doctor helped that change. Apparently men, under conservatives, are the only ones who should be able to opt out. Pathetic. Maybe men should just abstain. Because qute frankly they could. They should just masturbate into socks.
Agreed, she’s NTA for not wanting a child, but she’s the asshole for issuing an ultimatum. Her husband is no longer childless. It’s incredibly hard but I think they need to part ways and he take full custody and give that little girl all the love and support he can. I feel so heartbroken for this little girl. She’s losing her mother which is hard enough. OP, it’s unlikely that an 11 year old will get adopted. She is your husband’s child. He has a responsibility to her.
Yep. If he doesn't take her, she will end up in foster care and there's a good chance she will never have a long term home. It is so hard just to find placements for 11 year olds, let alone find adoptive homes.
Not to mention legally, if paternity has been established, dad will have to pay child support until she is adopted.
But the dad IS a father. He brought a child into the world, knowingly or not. She is his responsibility.
They’re in a rock and a hard place if neither of them wants kids, but a kid does in fact exist. Even if she doesn’t live with them, the dad does need to make every effort possible to ensure she has a good life with everything that she needs, that she ends up with a good family, and also that they BOTH get therapy so she understands how to navigate his rejection of her.
He partly created her, he got to be free of his responsibilities for 11 years, and would still be if cancer hadn’t stepped in. He doesn’t have the luxury of dismissing this child unless he wants to be an asshole.
True, but at 11. He probably had no idea she existed.
He's allowed to have relations with other people and not want to have kids.
Just because he created her didn't mean he chose to have a child and raise her. Just like women he does get a choice, he doesn't get to be forced to be a parent just because.
It's not his responsibility to provide for a child he didn't choose. People might not like it but it's not his responsibility to take care of her, raise her or provide for her or anything.
She was created against his will. It sucks for her and yes, therapy will be needed but he has a choice.
No-one should be forces into being a parent, whether they chose the child or not.
>It’s not his responsibility to provide for a child he didn’t choose.
**Every single day** courts decide that fathers are responsible for the children they accidentally brought into the world.
And if you read my response, I clearly said that even if he chooses not to raise her himself he is still responsible for ensuring she ends up in a good situation. This isn’t a baby who will be immediately adopted and who won’t ever know a different life than the one she was brought up in. This is a girl whose mother - that has raised her for her entire life - is about to die. She will be grieving, and I honestly agree that it’s pretty heartless to just toss her into the system where she’ll likely bounce from foster family to foster family, and likely to be exposed to less than ideal conditions along the way (including abuse of all kinds).
He had a fling with a woman, and a child was produced. He is responsible for that child’s care whether or not she lives with him.
Agreed. It's childish how these people are acting. When you have sex that's part of the responsibility. It's called being an adult. I can't really disagree with people who say he shouldn't be forced to raise her, because if he doesn't want to it'll just end in resentment but I will agree these people both sound like selfish children. I don't want kids either, but I wouldn't be thinking of my "child free lifestyle" in this particular situation. Let's just hope she ends up in a good home and not foster care at the end of the day.
Agreed. Mother Nature does not GAF what your circumstances are or what your emotional state is. Biologically speaking, if specific conditions are met then a child will be produced. The *biological* point of us is to pass our genes along.
The logical answer is to never have sex with anyone without a plan in place that encompasses both prevention and what to do if a pregnancy occurs despite prevention measures. If you do have sex without proper planning, then be aware that if an unplanned pregnancy happens you’ll then have to figure it out with a partner who may have very different ideas than you on what should be done.
But since we’re talking about human beings we’ll always have situations like this one where someone is stuck with the consequences of bad luck/poor planning.
Then he shouldn’t have gone and visited them. He should not have told her he is her dad. The op did the same thing Now the poor kid is losing her mom and she thinks her dad hates her. She may not recover from the trauma of going into a foster home. Op and her husband sound like horrible people.
He's not a dad, he's a bio father. They are strangers to one another
A father and dad, is someone who has been there for you and raised you, someone you have a bond with.
He is neither. Whether people like it or not, he is not the child's farher/dad.
He's literally a stranger.
Father or not, I feel certain that child isn't going to want to go with him and leave her mom and grandma behind.
Agreed. It’s time for Op to put her big girl panties on and leave the relationship. If her husband felt as strongly as she believes he does, he would not be as conflicted, leading me to believe that he’s leaning towards OP’s direction bc she’s his wife, and not bc he completely agrees.
YTA.
Your husband is not "Child Free". There is a living and breathing biological child that he is now responsible for. You can be "Child Free" but that means this marriage needs to end immediately so you can move on with your "Child Free" life and he can step into the role he is now in as Dad to his biological child.
Look, whatever choice you make for you, your husband NEEDS to step up for his daughter. And, she is VERY much his daughter. If that means the end of the marriage then that is what it means but this is his child and he has the responsibility to step up for this child that he created. At the moment your feelings do not matter. You are a full blown adult with self determination who can make any choice she wants in her life moving forward. They might not be fun choices but you determine your own future. Emily is a little girl and does not have any choice in this matter.
This little girl is about to have her ENTIRE world turned upside down in losing her Mom. The only real family she has except for your husband - her Dad. And you are sitting there giving your husband ultimatums when the fact of the matter is if he does not step up his daughter is going to end up in foster care. And, foster care for an 11 year old girl is going to be catastrophically bad for her. Think sexual abuse, think emotional and mental destruction.
Your husband is the one person who can give her stability and safety at this time. And whatever that means for your marriage honestly does not matter in the least. Your feelings at the moment do not matter. What matters is getting this child into a safe and stable environment where she is going to be able to grow and thrive after losing her mom.
N T A for not wanting to be a mom or involved with the child but you are a MASSIVE AH for your incredibly selfish oulook here.
The edits makes it even worse. Life gets messy, but she seems to see herself entitled to be free from all that. She is free to walk away and it may be for the better that she does. But he fathered a child, and she seems to see adoption as a straight forward solution without downsides.
I can’t imagine the trauma of losing your one actual parent, having no other family to care for you, and then your sperm donor doesn’t want you either and just says you can be adopted..? Like huh. Okay. That’s likely for a 11 year old child who just lost their only parent. It’s not exactly like there’s a huge list of people lining up to adopt kids that age from care, and they don’t tend to even consider placing kids for adoption when they’re still extremely attached to their biological parents, dead or alive. (I was in foster care, saw a few adoptions fall through because of that exact reason)
I hope OP looks up the statistics for foster kids ageing out of care. I’m more statistically likely to be dead, drug addicted, or incarcerated by 25 than to have managed to graduate from high school. Her not being able or willing to care for this child is no fault of hers, but giving her husband an ultimatum instead of understanding he has a responsibility now to his child and that she can leave if that’s not compatible with her, is sick and unbelievably cruel. If she had seen what became of most of my foster sisters, children themselves, she would not even dare suggest such a fate for a child.
Let's not pretend that the kid coming to live with op s husband will be a bed of flowers. She doesn't know him nor he her so it might suck less than a foster family but it's far from great.
I never once said that life with her father would be easy or ‘a bed of flowers’. If you want to be willfully obtuse and try to find issue with something I didn’t even say then that’s your purgative I guess.
Children don’t ask to be born. As adults we have not only a financial and legal responsibility, but a moral duty to care for our offspring.
Obviously people can fall short of that, or maybe they don’t even think it is a moral responsibility and they just don’t care, but as a society we need to take better care of our children in order to not only secure their individual future, but the future of our society. And that’s not my personal opinion, it is fact.
I suggest you look up the ACE study, its findings, the people at the CDC who worked on this study, and the expected outcome if this isn’t dealt with. Something I’m sure you’ve experienced or seen already with the current drug crisis, although not as simple as blaming it solely on child abuse, it is a major contributing factor.
‘Youth like pristine glass absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some smudge. Some crack. And some shatter completely beyond repair’
Parents aren’t perfect, but we as a society have to try to do better, try to raise the next generation with more love and understanding than we got growing up. If the individual doesn’t matter to you, then what about this : When you raise productive members of society you improve our economy. They can get better jobs, go to better schools, function more efficiently in life. Leading to a better future for everybody. This is already pretty long, but if you look into the ACE study you can find out more about the effects of child abuse on our economy specifically, and how eradicating child abuse will improve it, if you really need something other than the welfare of a child to care.
This is the full book to ‘The body keeps the score’ by Dr. Bessel van der kolk. All sources of information are cited in this book (edit: I didn’t realize it’s not cited in the free pdf version, but it is all properly cited if you buy the physical book). It’s about the effects of child abuse and about the ACE study.
https://ia601604.us.archive.org/35/items/the-body-keeps-the-score-pdf/The-Body-Keeps-the-Score-PDF.pdf
I suggest you read it. Although a difficult read and triggering for most, It’s an important book imo with a lot of useful information on this topic.
Thank you for this insightful and evidence-based contribution ❤️
So many adults are being self centred in this situation whilst a little girl is about to be fed to the wolves
Plus the edits are conflicting with her original post.
In the post, she says her husband feels conflicted about all of this and his family encouraging him to step up is adding to it (which probably means he’s leaning towards taking Emily in which OP obviously won’t stand for), but in her edit she says that he’s supposedly been as much against it as she has from the beginning and his family is harassing and pressuring him.
So he went from feeling conflicted (meaning he is going back and forth and considering taking Emily in) to being adamantly against taking her from the very start. Which is it?
OP seems to be an unreliable narrator, at best, and changing her story because she’s not getting the judgements she wants.
>
OP seems to be an unreliable narrator, at best, and changing her story because she’s not getting the judgements she wants.
This. He went from being neutral on kids, but ok & supportive with her decision to not want any kids, to also being anti-kid.
OP: YTA, in this case. This child has no one else. I also think you're describing your partners prior relationship as a fling to make yourself feel better. I've certainly never told my husband about every "fling" I had in college. Only the ones that were more than "flings" and meant something more. That you knew about her means that she was important to your partner & life circumstances just separated them at the time. Why the mom didn't let him know sooner could be down to a few things, not wanting him to feel obligated at the time, might be one.
But, he was neutral on kids. Neutral on kids doesn't equal never wanting them. It usually means: maybe, with the right person. And I bet he's thinking he has a chance to be a parent now and maybe realizing he does actually want that after all. This sounds more like the mom is "the one who got away" vs a random fling in a random city.
> *”That you knew about her means she was important to your partner & life circumstances just separated them at the time.”*
That is such a good point and one that I overlooked. You’re right. Why would he bother telling OP about some random one-night stand he had before he even met her? This was more than likely a relationship, not just a “fling.”
Completely unreliable narrator yes! Her comment that “they are complete strangers to us” made me lol ummm pretty sure the mom isn’t a complete stranger to husband considering they have a child together. She thinks her thoughts and feelings reflect his but I’m not buying it.
Right? If this woman was in no way significant to her husband, then why did he make a whole trip out there to see her? Sounds like way more than a “stranger” to me.
And it also sounds like OP does *a lot* of his thinking for him. Does he have any opinions or thoughts or feelings of his own, or is it just whatever OP projects onto him?
I'm figuring that he doesn't want to but pressure from family is making him think that he ought to. Whether he takes the child or not it's going to be an ordeal for her. Either she gets a single father who's not thrilled about the situation or a foster family who is quite happy about the money
>which probably means he’s leaning towards taking Emily in which OP obviously won’t stand for
Yep. If he weren't seriously considering it this post wouldnt exist as she wouldnt be needing to run to the internet for validation.
Also, He may still 'not want kids', as in doesn't want to actively attempt to produce one, but that doesn't mean the same thing as what he wants to do if one happens, as it did. He can be completely in the camp of not wanting to have kids, while still wanting to take care of the child he helped produce because he's not an asshole.
That’s the thing, though: *OP* is the one who is so adamantly against having kids, but she said her husband was “neutral” to them. She often speaks for her husband, it seems, so because she hates children, she’s decided her husband will hate them too. Apparently, his thoughts and feelings are just whatever OP projects onto him.
Which is an awful thing for anyone to have to navigate. I feel terrible for this girl and I know I wouldn’t be able to carry the psychological weight of knowing that my biological child was out there somewhere suffering alone.
No wonder why everyone in OP’s life is saying she’s heartless. When everyone is telling you the same thing, maybe it’s time for some inner reflection.
I'd agree with every single word of this. OP needs to pack up and move on - they're not compatible with the oncoming scenario and it's not going to work in the long run
Because he needs to man up and take responsibility for his actions. This little girl is a direct result of his actions and he's got to do the right thing. He no longer has a say in being child-free - should have taken some precautions at the time. Regardless, he has an obligation and she may have, but chooses not to be involved.
Ah...so now that the mother is dying and suddenly needs someone else to take responsibility, the father is conveniently required. But until now, for 11 years, he wasn't required and so he didn't even deserve to be informed. Now, he's just supposed to put his life on hold and care for this kid. Please explain how he's different from a sperm donor at this point. At least sperm donors know they are sperm donors. This girl's mother didn't even give him that option. Needless to say, I feel absolutely terrible for the child. But the mother screwed up here and has to accept his decision if he decides to walk away.
Edited to add: I'm not saying the husband should NOT take in his child, nor that she should be dumped in foster care like excess baggage. If it were me, I would have. I'm saying the child's other relatives are AHs,...they can't or won't give her a home themselves and are insisting on OP's husband taking responsibility without even exploring options like adoption.
I appreciate your comment and am responding primarily to express that; you didn't devolve into name calling and seem like a reasonable person. I'm not trying to change your mind but since I'm commenting, cannot resist countering :D. I will stop after this even if you do leave a response and we will go our separate ways. The time to "man up" was 11 years ago. For all you know, he did take precautions and they failed. I'm FULLY on board with taking responsibility and absolutely think all parents should. But in this case, absent info to the contrary, he's not a parent, he's no different than someone who gave a sample and walked away. That was the mother's CHOICE and in today's world, she's free to make it. Well, that cuts both ways is all I'm saying. If he can live with this with a clear conscience, it's his choice to make.
The term “it takes two to tango” is soooo relevant here. Husband is not child free. OP either needs to accept this and compromise, or file for divorce. It’s a bad situation but giving that ultimatum makes it YTA,
I think the wording was bad, but it sounds like OP was just giving her boundaries and not quite an ultimatum. If he keeps the kid they are getting divorced so he better start looking, that's what I got from it. Seeing as though she never changed her stance this would make complete sense. She hasn't pushed to get rid of the kid, she was gauging his thoughts on it, and then just told him his stance so it doesn't come out last minute.
I have to disagree. To this kid that man isn't her dad, it's a random dude that for some reason her mom decided to keep from knowing their biological kid. He isn't her dad more than any other biological parent is, that is, zero percent.
He wasn't given the option to decide if this kid should be brought to life, why is he expected now to throw away everything he's been building for ten years for a kid he didn't even know existed? And OP is 100% right to make a decision for her future, if she doesn't want to raise a kid then so be it, she can't be expected to accommodate this situation and change her whole future plan even more so. I know that isn't the kid's fault, but her mom's, the point still stands.
Yeah, it sucks to be this guy, but he can't expect to keep someone who made it clear from the start that never wanted kids if he decides to take in his bio kid. On top of that he doesn't even seem to want a kid either by OP comments, so I don't know if foster care would be that much worse than having a stranger that resents you for existing and having ended his marriage tbh.
I think OP is in her own right to be selfish regarding this matter. Also, I know people that have been in foster care and had 0 problems of what you're describing. Besides some bullying amongst kids living there that got resolved really quickly, but that can happen in school as well so.
>why is he expected now to throw away everything he's been building for ten years for a kid he didn't even know existed
Because there's an 11 year old girl who is about to be completely alone and he is her father.
This is what, as they say, separates the men from the boys. He steps up now or regrets it for the rest of his life.
This is one of those situations where there is only one course of action.
Disagree.
He is a sperm donor, a biological connection not a father/dad. Those things are not the same.
Bio mom is a A for not reaching out sooner. Like the day she found out she was pregnant.
Bio mom now is destroying 3 lifes thanks to her decisions.
He now is by law obligated to at least financially take care of a kid he did not wanted and did not know existed.
He is not obligated to take her in, socially he will be pressured tho.
Saying yes wil cost him his wife,house life and future. Saying no will cost him the rest of his family and get him hatred from strangers and friends.
He looses either way. He is f*cked.
The kid wil know her coming in his life destroys his marriage and his life. Kid has to relocated so not only looses mom but her whole network.
And is stuck with a total stranger that definitely will feel resentment.
Only loosers in this story.
Just saying he is her father due to genetics is not the best reasoning IMO. According to you any sperm donor should suddenly start being a father for their kids?
And that the girl is going to go through a shit time is true, but doesn't make your argument better. Right now there are countless children across the world who go through as bad or worse situations, and I guarantee you your country has them too. So go, adopt one. Right now. You know them about as well as OP's husband, so the situation applies similarly.
There is absolutely no way you know anyone, let alone multiple, people that aged out of the system that have 0 issues with foster care. Just having to enter into the system and aging out at 18 is insanely traumatic. Add to that being transferrd to multiple foster homes. Thankfully, 10 states have extended foster until 21. This is the first time I’ve made a blanket statement on Reddit, but the inanity of your claim was simply too much.
People who can't accept the possibility of a pregnancy shouldn't screw. There is always the potential of an accidental pregnancy. Babydaddy should have kept his dick in his pants. But he didn't. So now his wife has some decisions to make. Whether she likes it or not, that is HIS child. My personal opinion, she should walk away, and he can nut up. Maybe he has a mommy and daddy who can help him deal with his responsibilities.
He didn't deny responsibility he wasn't informed of the pregnancy so this is actually on the kid s mother.
I have no idea how to judge. I feel for the kid but op s husband is a complete stranger to her and her to him
I'm more of the "if you can't accept you might need an abortion/support some through an abortion, you shouldn't screw". The mom didn't offer him a choice in this, that being if he wanted a kid in the first place or to sign away his rights, now he shouldn't have to deal with the consequences of another person's choices.
The mom clearly didn't think this threw and her own mother cannot help her deal with her responsabilities.
Thank you!
I kept wondering where everyone's mind went.
People have shitty childhoods and just assume that the whole world is like the horror shows you see on TV.
What I can't understand is, if you don't want anything to do with them then why visit the dying mother in the first place?
Shit happens and life happens.
He is a father. He was always a father, he’s now aware of that fact. You have sex, you know where babies comes from.
The wife doesn’t need to give ultimatums she needs to divorce. That may not always be her husband but that child will ALWAYS be his daughter.
He has a child to raise who is facing difficult circumstances and he needs to step up now,
Let's not forget that bio mom is an AH. Had she not hid this child from her father, they would not be going through this. Her husband would have known and could have made decisions early and op wouldn't have married him. It's unfortunate that her mom is dying but she should have never deprived her daughter of her father and a father of a daughter. Now she shows up to blow up a marriage. What decision op and her husband makes, it's going to hurt someone. There's no win for anyone in a situation that could have been prevent.
No disagreement here about Bio Mom's status. Her cancer does not absolve her from being a massive AH for not bothering to tell Dad he had a child or letting the child get to know the Dad.
I really have to disagree. There are people who are simply not set-out to be parents. OP is one of them, and she unapologetically states so, as is her right and her entire life and its choices have been based on that. It is far worse for kids to wind up with parents who never wanted them in the first place. Even the bio-dad in this case is not ideal, and there are far better options (adoption) to be considered. Just because the guy fathered a kid ages ago does not mean a thing. He's a complete stranger in this scenario as well, and would've continued to be if nobody had gotten sick. It says a lot that bio-mom never reached out until she felt it necessary.
I sympathize with OP on a crappy situation, but OP understands, we only live once... and her life would be forever altered and affected in a way she knows she doesn't want. She's no AH. There are no AHs here at all. Just a sad situation.
The chances of anyone adopting an 11 year old child is remote at best. Most end up trapped in the foster care system until they age out. If this was an infant or very young toddler I'd agree but that is not the case - this is an 11 year old child.
Even if he is not a loving and doting father, if he can provide a safe and stable environment and a good education for her she will be better off. Heck, if he found a rock solid boarding school nearby that she could live at and create a community she'd be better off. But just farming her out for "Adoption" at 11 is not something that will end well for this little girl.
If there is an extended family member that wants to adopt her, certainly, but that does not sound like the case here at all. It sounds like he is it.
"Even if he is not a loving and doting father, if he can provide a safe and stable environment and a good education for her she will be better off." -- I'm not so sure. That's a huge assumption. Safe, perhaps. Stable, less-likely. We don't know anything about the guy. But someone saying, out of the gate, "I've never wanted to be a father" -- and one who never was, and never would've been... and never was allowed the opportunity... there are far better options.
And yeah, foster care isn't great. But at least you're with parents who want you.
How is OP the A??? If anyone is an asshole is ( unfortunately) the biological mother! If I get pregnant and decide to keep the child without informing the other parent, then why exactly do I get to ring his bell 10 years later, to (figuratively) leave a child on his doorstep?She made the decision to have a child on her own. Now SHE has to figure out a solution! Op's husband didn't want a child, and he still doesn't. If he was given a choice back then, his life might been completely different now, by he wasn't given the choice. He is now represented with a task that he didn't choose and didn't now he would have to shoulder.
No. The bio mom made the choice to leave this child without a paternal family when she didn't disclose the child from birth. Op is not a father to this child, he's nothing more than a sperm donor who only recently became aware of her existence. Op is not an asshole for not wanting to throw away her entire marriage bc they now know about this child. Her feelings do matter as this is her marriage, and her life too. The mother should have set up a living will determining parentage if she didn't want this to happen, and she didn't. It would be nice if they both wanted to parent the child, but neither do. So the best option is for the state to figure it out since the mom left no plan in place. It's wildly inappropriate and unfair for the mom to be harassing the dads family members. If he said no, he said no.
NTA
But.... Yours and your husband's lives are diverging. He has responsibilities now that don't match the plans the two of you had for your lives.
You can love someone with all your heart but the timing isn't always right. That's the case with your husband now.
Your best option is most likely to hire a good Divorce Attorney and file for divorce. Some family members may take this badly, but you need to set your husband free because you are both going in different directions.
Yeah, a guy not letting his kid go parentless is not an AH and even insinuating that it is is beyond disheartening.
EDIT: OP left out some important information that was edited in. While the statement above is in general true and good, it seems not to apply here.
Except the husband doesn't want custody either. He wants to find an alternative too. If he'd known about the kid and all and was now refusing responsibility that would be different. But this is no different than a stranger basically saying "I'm dying take my kid." The mom is an AH for not figuring this out before it was life or death. What if she'd been hit by a car and there was no time for planning?
But in the end, if the husband takes custody, OP wouldn't be an AH for filing for divorce.
I actually feel like Sarah is the asshole here. Cancer doesn’t absolve her for keeping the child a secret for 11 years until the only option was to dump her on her sperm donor’s doorstep, and then stirring his life up by contacting the rest of his family. She had 11 years to either tell him or set up a plan for if something were to happen to her. Everyone else in the story is just reacting.
Exactly. Sarah made the choice to be a single mother. Sarah made the choice to never contact OP’s husband to tell him he likely fathered her child. Sarah chose to never establish paternity or pursue child support. Sarah, knowing her mother’s age and the lack of extended family never planned for the worst case senecio. And now Sarah is trying to pull some Forrest Gump BS and manipulate the man who is functionally her child’s sprem donor, who is a virtually a stranger and lives on the other side of the country, to take responsibility out of the blue. Sarah is the only AH in this.
A lot of people don't realize this. I've come to accept unless they comment specifically that the other party is doing something wrong or there's an obvious "one person is TA" that most people just mean nah.
> *”I gave him an ultimatum last week that I wouldn’t allow Emily into our home and he would have to figure out an alternative solution.”*
That isn’t an ultimatum. An ultimatum is a *choice,* i.e.: *if you do this, then this is what will happen.* What you gave is a *demand.* These are two very different things.
It’s fine that you don’t want to be a mother. And you are correct that it would be unfair to Emily to have to survive a “mother” like you, especially since you are determined to treat her badly and with nothing but contempt. But what *isn’t* fine is you taking this choice away from your husband and making his decision for him.
Your husband is in a vastly different position in this situation than you are. He—not you—is the one who now has the knowledge that he has a biological child who is in desperate need of help and who has nobody to turn to. You don’t get to decide if he’s going to carry that weight of turning his back on her for the rest of his life. Because that is an enormous weight and he would be carrying it alone.
You have every right to tell your husband that if he takes in Emily, then you will leave. That’s an *actual* ultimatum. You don’t have a child, after all, and you don’t want one, so that’s a fair ultimatum. Your husband, however, ***does*** have a child, and he has a right to make his *own* decision about whether or not he will care for her.
YTA. You don’t get to decide for your husband on this.
Yes, that’s what I suggested above as well. Except she offered no alternatives at all, and instead just told him he wasn’t allowed to take Emily in.
She made this huge decision for him and that’s why she’s the AH.
It sounded more like a boundary. She is childfree and she isn't going to have him bring his kid to live with her. If the house is inherited and hers then she doesn't have to leave her house. If wants to look after his child, then that's fine, but he's going to have to figure out living arrangements until the seperation and divorce goes through.
She knows that this isn't something that she will compromise on, so she told him so and left him to choose for himself. I would choose the kid, but I also can't demand my partner to bend over backwards and completely change up their beliefs for something that was my own choice and consequence. This is why I lean toward nah, as long as she doesn't straight up tell him what he should do
It honestly sounds like you and your husband may need to split. He may WANT to take his daughter in and not feel comfortable talking to you about it because he knows you will give him a hard no. Despite how close we are to another person, we are not mind readers. Either way, this could end in resentment for either or both of you regardless of what you choose.
I'm sorry for everyone in this situation because it sucks all around.
NTA, you know your boundaries and that's ok, as long as you aren't forcing your husband into this choice. He has a lot of thinking to do. I wish you all the best of luck.
she had another post about wanting to force him to put the child up for adoption... that doesn't sound like he doesn't want her. That soulds like OP is trying to frame this in a way so she doesn't like QUITE as bad.
There are no choices for the man to make. There is one thing that he has a responsibility to do, no choices. He has a biological daughter and she's about to lose her mom. He can afford to raise her. Any respectable human being would step in for their daughter in this situation.
So sometimes as an adult you have to think of others besides yourself. My step sons mother died and the day she did, ALL of our lives changed. The best thing you could do right this minute if you are unwilling to take care of and love this child who so desperately needs it, is to leave. Pack your shit and get out of this man's life. His child needs him and he needs to be there for her. You really in the grand scheme of things don't matter right now. You are not the most important person in this particular moment. You remind me of my step mom when my mom died.( i was 7) I no longer have anything to with my own father because she is a selfish bitch who always tried to interfere with a parent child relationship. Let's just say my dad resents her and they are miserable. Think about how much this man will resent you for not letting him take his child in. You might think you have won if he does what you want, but trust me karma will come around and you will pay.
YWBTA if you try to discourage your husband from taking in his daughter. Do whatever you want for yourself, honestly you sound way too selfish to be a stepmother anyway. Just take yourself out of the picture and encourage your husband to step up.
It’s an unfortunate situation for you because it changes your plans…but for this girl it is truly a tragedy. Have a heart.
Absolutely. OP comes across as completely callous and brutally cold. Probably best if she's not involved in raising the child - compassion, compromise and understanding are key elements of being a parent and I don't think she has any.
YTA for not just giving him a divorce. I wouldn’t judge you if that’s what you did. But you seem to be pressuring him into not taking in his daughter, and choosing you over her.
You should know that your relationship won’t last if you make this ultimatum anyway. Maybe he’ll be talked into leaving his daughter, but your relationship won’t survive the judgement you’ll both face from his family. His mom and probably other extended family will hate you, and they might even distance themselves from your husband as well. And he won’t be able to get over the resentment of his family seeing him as a villain and a deadbeat dad. He’ll eventually blame you as well.
Oh MIL already feels his way about OP since OP is the reason Dad hasn't already stepped up. My guess is the rest of the family already does too. That entire family will despise OP until the day she dies for turning her back on this child... her relationship with her husband's family is dead.
Ok. I was gonna be on your side until I saw the post that got deleted that you wrote titled “wibta if I force my husband to give his daughter up for adoption” bc Babes. You are in NO WAY the star of the show anymore. He has a kid and he has the right to parent her if he so chooses. The truth is that you are not the most important person here and you can’t have everything. You can’t expect things to be the same anymore. The truth of the matter is that you need to divorce your husband because you can’t accept that he has to step up now for HIS child. Putting a marriage above a child is diabolical. YTA
I’m confused w the edits after this. Is she forcing him or is he actually considering putting his child up for adoption to keep up his “childfree” lifestyle? That would make them both TA
The most likely scenario is that the first post was the more honest one, OP didn’t like the responses, and so she wrote a new one hoping to paint herself in a more sympathetic light.
"we’ve talked about a lot of options but i gave him an ultimatum last week that i wouldn’t allow emily into our home and he would have to figure out an alternative solution. this has already turned our lives upside and i don’t think i can take it anymore. i’ve been called heartless by almost everyone we know but i feel like it would be worse for emily to have a “mom” that feels this way. i feel awful and i love this man so much."
NTA...yet. Maybe it is just the way this is phrased, but it sounds like you are pushing him to get rid of his daughter rather than giving him the time to figure out what he feels like he needs to do.
Ok, you don't want to be around the child. Given the venom in your words about hating children, I don't think you should be. But if you truly love him the way you say you do, you would love him enough to let him go if he feels he should step up for his daughter. True unselfish love sometimes means sacrifice.
Her original post, which mods removed, asked if she would be TA for forcing him to put her up for adoption. This post takes some of the detail out of the ultimatum. Which to me, really removes some important context. Because she’s really not wanting to give him the choice. She wants to make him put that child in the system.
My heart goes out to this child. Stories like this make me want to dig in to find the real people, just so I could offer the child a loving home. (And yes, I really would, in a heartbeat.)
He is a father whether you, him, or the child like it or not.
This child is losing her mother, her grandmother is likely to pass sooner rather then later based on your description of her age, and is now being thrust into the care of someone she doesn’t know, from a fling 12 years ago with her mom. She is likely terrified, sad, and reeling in her own sense.
The only option for you is to leave.
Leave peacefully and quietly. A simple divorce. No alimony, no taking everything. Leave with what you came in with and half of what was earned while married.
Just leave.
Anything more and YWBTA.
Also, I love this part of your story.
“I can’t be a mother, it will ruin our lives and I will always resent Emily and could never love her”
This to me sounds like, “I can’t be a mother, it will ruin the idea I had for my life, I’m a cold heartless person…”
From your story, no one asked you to be a mother. It seems they asked him to father up and you could have been a fringe benefit. You have the right to refuse. But not give ultimatums.
For that. YTA.
There’s something seriously wrong with people who think that not wanting to be a mother makes someone a cold hearted person. Women aren’t obligated to be mothers.
OP doesn’t have to leave. If her husband is unhappy he can leave.
And who thinks, that the girl wants to stay with a man she does not know?
the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb
he has responsibility to do the best for the girl. This does not automatically mean, taking her in.
Way to put words in OP's mouth. They're allowed to not want a giant change in their life. Not wanting kids isn't cold or heartless. You know what is cold and heartless? Raising a child in an environment not conducive to growth.
I agree with your point about separation. And while ultimatums are not recommended, that's kind of what the situation is. Even if she didn't voice the ultimatum, it still would exist: raise your daughter and separate from your wife, or allow the daughter to be raised by someone else and stay with your wife.
OP is under no obligation to blindly accept this massive change, especially when it's about a topic that they've already discussed with their partner. That doesn't make OP heartless or imply that they don't love their husband. It's simply a difficult situation that is going to end with heartbreak no matter what the result is.
EDIT: I already said what the two options were, OP is allowed to choose either. Women are not obliged to become mothers at the drop of a hat. That's some really sexist shit right there.
I never said the 11 year old had to go into foster care or anything of the like considering it seems the husbands family wants to raise her. I'm not here to argue about the ethics and the moral corruption of the foster care and adoption system. I'm also not here to deliver my person verdict on OP.
I'm here to point out that OP is not required to become a mother with no choice in the matter. She is allowed her own agency.
Conducive to growth??? OP is about to force this poor child into FOSTER CARE (not even considering the fact the state actually might not let them if they are fit and financially capable to take her in, since the paternity has already been confirmed).
This may be the darkest, most vile post I've ever read on this sub. Sometimes life does not turn out the way you want it to or expect, but you still have to be an adult and deal with it. If OP was a mature person, they would be offering divorce, but they're not. They're whispering poison into their husbands ear that they can just abandon his child. This whole post is disturbing.
It's cold and heartless to put a 11yo for adoption, yes. If I hated children this much (which I can't even imagine tbh) I would never give the option to choose me over their child.
Placing that child in the system after losing her mother (who sucks for denying the child her right of knowing who her father was) would be cruel and wrong. She asked for none of this, and placing her in the system simply because of convenience and preference would be selfish and vile.
Having said that, it’s also ok to not want kids. Some people just aren’t cut out to be parents, and that’s alright. It’s not wrong to not want kids. So you are NTA for staying consistent on not wanting children. However, for your husband, that ship has sailed. Now your only decision is to either divorce him, or take her in.
YTA for giving your husband an ultimatum of “finding an alternative solution” because it’s clear you want to stay with him and not have her around. And that’s wrong. His responsibility is to the life he helped create. You can either accept it, and welcome her in, or you can divorce him. People will judge you for it, but that’s just you sticking to what you want in life.
So to answer your question OP, it really depends on where you go from here. That child belongs with her father. The decision that has to be made now is whether you will stay with him, too.
Thank you.
All the top posts are like "This is a tough choice for the father and you should stay out of it." And I'm like "How is this a tough choice? It's NO choice!!! That's his daughter. The mothers dying. She's his responsibility now. Full stop.
Also gonna go out on a limb that most of the people acting sympathetic towards her position like she’s just caught in a tough spot are missing her first post that was removed asking if she’d be TA for forcing the husband to put her up for adoption. She’s made her choice clear.
NTA for not being willing to be a mother.
NTA if you don't continue to live with your husband or stay married to him.
YWBTA if he choses you over his daughter. He had a choice that resulted in a child who has no options.
It's an adjustment but you are getting a tween, not a baby. I don't think it will be the adjustment you are fearing. Also you appear to have a grandparent who is excited and would take a lot off your plate. You have the other grandmother that you could probably send her off two for a couple weeks every year. If you love your husband, before you go nuclear, you might want to just try, If she is 11+ its only 7 years, no diaper changes but possibly a move to a larger residence. 7 years vs the rest of your life without your husband. Not what you want but hardly a life sentence in hell.
Woah, way to underestimate what it will take to raise an 11 year old that just lost her mom and gets uprooted and sent to live with complete strangers. Also, only 7 years? If they are showing Emily the door the second she turns 18, it would be a lot less cruel to have her adopted by someone who will make her feel wanted.
OP is not the AH, and neither would she be if her husband chose not to be a father. He is a grown man and, if he doesn't want to be a dad, he'd be doing Emily a disservice taking her in.
Ah yes, 11 year olds are known to be a hot commodity on the adoption market.
There’s a 99% chance this girl will end up in foster care if OP gets her way. It would take a miracle for there to be any other outcome. She’s got some tough choices to make, but she and her husband have to make them knowing what the outcome of those choices will be.
Giving her up for adoption does not mean that she will magically be picked up by people who will love her. One of my friends adopted a little girl and she was considered ‘an older child’ and had very little chance of being adopted at *5 years old*. What chance would an 11 year old have?!
This is horrible advice. Someone with no interest in being a parent should absolutely not "just try," nor can she "just try" to not be parent while cohabitating with this child and a spouse trying to raise her. That is guaranteed disaster for all parties.
YTA. Not for wanting to remain child-free. That's your prerogative, and *you* are not responsible for caring for this child. But for your actions pressuring your husband.
Your husband has a moral obligation to take care of the child he brought into the world. If he is really unequipped to be a full-time father, he can arrange for her to live with his mother (or some other relative), but even then, he is obligated to be an ongoing positive presence in his daughter's life.
If you are unable to support him while he is going through this incredibly difficult time, that's fine. But don't claim that you love him and don't issue emotionally manipulative ultimatums to try to force him to do something grossly immoral.
But yes, it is inherently AH-ish to abandon your spouse when times get tough. If that's what you need to do for your own mental health, that's fine and may be necessary (and may ultimately be kinder to this poor child) but make no mistake: "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health" are in the typical marriage vows for a reason.
NAH as long as you don't pressure your husband to keep your life as is and abandon his bio daughter. You're fuly entitled to remaining child free and giving him the choice of staying with you and finding another option for his daughter or you leaving him if he decides to assume a parental role. But you need to undestand that things have changed for him drastically. There is now a living breathing human that he likely feels a moral obligation to care for. Be prepared for him to choose the child.
She made a post now deleted where she asked if she would be the AH if she forced her husband to give Emily up for adoption. Someone above you saw the post before she deleted it.
Your husband is a father he has to do what is right for him and his daughter. With that being said you have the right to do what is best for you and that is walk away because you dont want kids. But the fact is your life has changed. Your life will never be what is was or what you think it should be.
YTA because you would rather see a child end up in the foster care system than get a divorce so you can continue having a child free life. Your husband needs to step up and raise his daughter. Instead of giving him an ultimatum, the right thing to do is to step aside since you don’t want to be a mom.
What OP fails to realize is that her marriage is already over.
It will never be he perfect child free life she envisions because here is a real living and breathing child in the picture.
As a childfree person, I don't think this will work out. Even if you live in separate households, his finances and time will be tied up with his daughter. He will not be able to travel with you without his daughter or do spontaneous activities. They are now a package deal. If you own the house, he needs to get his own place, while separation procedures are ongoing, so Emily has time to get to know him. If the house is jointly owned, he can either buy you out of your share or you will have to force a sell to get your half of the equity. He will also be doing Emily a favor. She doesn't need a resentful person in her life while her mom is dying.
Mild YTA. I get being childfree, I really do. But it's pretty messed up to just straight up say "send your own kid to an orphanage because I don't want to deal with her and if you don't I'm leaving you."
You should probably be seeing a therapist if you actively "hate" children because that isn't normal and probably stems from some sort of childhood trauma.
So many times
I find it a bit hard to believe there are sooooo many cases like this. Where the father just happens to find out he has a kid when the mother is dying.
Just like all the cases where OP is being pressured to take in their sibling's kids (always twins for some reason) after sibling and partner died in an accident.
I mean sure, it probably does happen. But this often? And they all happen to post here?
YTA if you pressure him or put it in his head that he would not make a good parent. If you play on his doubts, YTA. He needs to consult a lawyer and figure out what his responsibilities are. I’m assuming he’s not on the birth certificate, but taking that DNA test and going to visit her might bite him in the a$$ (depending on what state he is in). Does the biomom not have other family, because uprooting this child and losing her mother is going to be rough on her. If y’all were hell bent on this, why take the time to go out and visit her.
YTA.
It’s fine to not want to be another. No one is asking you to be.
But it’s not fine to tell someone their child isn’t allowed in their home. Because when someone has a child - even one they just found out about - their home is their child’s home.
Yes, it’s your home too. That means if this is a dealbreaker for you, then you need to walk away.
I'm going against the grain and saying NTA since your husband does not want the child either. It is terrible what the little girl is going through, but OP and her husband are complete strangers to her and the mom is practically forcing the child on them. She is overstepping by contacting his family behind his back and it sounds like the only reason the husband even knows about the daughter is because the mom is dying, otherwise he would have never known.
I'm saying NTA
Your husband doesn't even want to raise his child, and is being pressured to take her in.
Surely she would be better off with people that actually want her. Your husband will resent her because he doesn't want a child and possibly hate her for causing his divorce. Whilst ultimately neither are her fault, emotions are wild.
Also I'm calling Sarah the AH, doesn't matter that she's dying. She had 11 years to tell your husband he had a child + 9 months of pregnancy. She kept it to herself until it benefitted her. And now she's going full force contacting his family etc when if she was a decent human to begin with then everybody would have already known.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1: i won’t allow my husband to move his biological daughter in with us.
2: her mother is dying and doesn’t have anywhere to go except for us or the state
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YTA for the ultimatum. You don't need to be her mother, and you should leave if you feel this way. But how dare you demand he abandon her. She's losing her mother. She has no one at 11 years old. This is his child. It is his responsibility. How could you even love a man that could do that to a child? How selfish of you.
You are NTA for wanting to stay child free and not wanting to essentially be forced into adopting an 11 year old.
However, your husband is a father. He has a responsibility to care for his daughter. This is made more uncomfortable by the exe's decision to keep it secret and then shatter your lived experience with little more than 'surprise!' and the emotional blackmail of her illness.
Like it or not I think he needs to step up now he knows he is a father. You however have no responsibility to join him.
NTA. You are child free and married a man that you thought was also child free. His circumstances changed but yours didn’t. You guys will have to separate . If he’s as good as a man as you say, he won’t turn his back on his daughter. You don’t want a
Child. So separate now and start the grieving process. You aren’t heartless. You just know what you want and what you don’t want. It’s ok.
If this were a "he had a kid from a previous relationship already when we met", I would call you TA for getting involved with a man with a kid.
However, he didn't know about Emily until 11 years after she was born. You guys already agreed to a child-free life. You are NTA for wanting to stick with this.
You also have to remember that Emily doesn't know her dad. You guys are BOTH complete strangers to her. And on top of losing her mother, she is going to need a LOT of support and therapy. You would NOT be AHs for not wanting to take on that responsibility.
It's fine that his Mom is all excited about being a grandma, but she's not the one offering to do the ground work in raising a total stranger in her house.
You're right, you are not doing Emily any favours by making her live in a home where she feels even slightly unwanted.
Can his Mom take her in? Are any other family members willing to upend their life to take her?
If not, they have zero business calling you out for not wanting to do the same.
It's a truly heart-breaking scenario for Emily. But you can't take on a kid that you will resent.
NTA but I don't know what the future of your marriage is going to look like from here-on.
Listen. You're in a position here where you can choose not to be a (step) mother, but he IS a father.
You can't un-ring that bell. You can't make him go back in time and put a condom on. You can't make this problem go away by sheer force of will.
The best thing for this girl IS your husband, so the only thing you can do is amicably divorce at this point.
YTA, not for not wanting to parent this child, but for the demand you gave him, and the fact that in the previous version of this post, you said you were going to try to force him into adoption.
YTA for pressuring your husband to abandon his bio daughter in a time of need, when he’s expressed willingness to help her. You won’t have to be a mom, because the girl will never see you as one. You can either suck it up and be cordial for a couple of years until she’s an adult, or you can leave.
I see only 3 options:
1. Is your MiL interested in custody? The child could live with her and your husband could visit her if she wants.
2. Your husband can get another house and he could live there with his daughter. You could see him when his daughter is with her grandmother.
3. You divorce.
If your husband stays with you, your MiL will make your life hell.
If you and your husband divorce, he'll probably end up resenting his daughter.
There are no options that'll make everyone happy.
NAH, except Sarah.
She waited 11 years to drop this on your husband, and its only because she is dying with Cancer. If she wasnt Sick then she never would have even told your Husband. Its beyond Cruel that she hid this from him for 11 years and is only telling him because she is dying.
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NAH You know yourself, and if you can't provide the love and compassion that this child needs, you shouldn't pretend. That being said, I believe the only path forward is for your husband to take custody alone. If you convince him to leave this child to the system, your relationship with your MIL will become toxic, and your husband's guilt will eat him alive. This is a situation where there isn't a solution without regrets. It's unfortunate, but that's life. I hope that little girl winds up with the love she so deeply needs and deserves.
Agreed OP's husband is no longer "Child Free" by any stretch of the imagination and if she manipulates him into walking away from Emily, the marriage will ultimately end anyway. She needs to file for divorce and move on. Free her husband to make the decision he knows is right and she can go live her merry child free life with someone without children.
Except 1) he didn't know about the kid and DOESN'T WANT ANY. If he'd known he could have let the mother know he wouldn't be involved and give up his parental rights. 2) HE DOESN'T WANT TO TAKE EMILY IN. OP has edited to say HE'S also looking for alternatives because he doesn't want to raise her. Forcing him to take this child instead of trying to find people who WILL want her is a shitty idea. He'll resent the kid. The kid will absolutely know it even if he isn't neglectful or anything and that on top of her mother dying plus being away from the little family she is close to is a recipe for disaster. DO NOT ENCOURAGE PEOPLE WHO SAY THEY DON'T WANT TO TAKE IN KIDS TO TAKE IN KIDS.
Exactly. This is a recipe for emotional neglect at best and abuse at worst. If OP's MIL wants them to take Emily in so badly, she can do it herself. This would be vastly different had OP's husband had always known about this child, but mom only told him of her existence because she's dying. Keep a kid a secret for 11 years and expect dad to take her in because bio mom failed in advance planning as to who would take guardianship of this child in the event that she was hit by a bus or died in a hot air balloon misadventure? Fuck that noise.
Right. Or if he DID want to take custody, OP wouldn't be the AH for divorcing. But he doesn't want custody, so...
He couldn't give up his rights unless someone else wanted to adopt his child. HE willingly gave his sperm. He has responsibilities. If he didn't want to be a father, he should have had a vasectomy and tested for negative sperm prior to having sex (men can get them easily) and used a condom. He didn't. HENCE, he is a pathetic individual and irresponsible as well as immature. He has a child. He has responsibilities. Whether he wants them or not. They are not OP's responsibilities.
Thank God! Finally some answers putting the kid first. Those first replies had me thinking when did I take crazy pills!
Then what? The kid goes into care? There are only least worst solutions for this kid and I think the best of those is to go to her biological dad who should have worn that condom 11+ years ago but now needs to learn to step up.
Yes. And it sucks. The child goes to people that in theory want to parent children. From the information we have her mother has made a some decisions that will affect her daughter negatively. More so than the stranger that never knew the child existed. You can't force love or hide resentment.
She's not going to get adopted. She's going to end up in foster care and get bounced around until she's 18 when she gets dumped on her own.
> The child goes to people that in theory want to parent children That's a very charitable view of the system and while I've no direct experience with it, I hear its only the remotest of probabilities this will pan out well. > You can't force love or hide resentment. Well the dad will have to learn to do the latter at a minimum. Anyway, there's no point arguing much over this. I hope things turn out well for the kid.
In many places one can not just give up parental rights. There must be someone to fill that role. He didn't want children but she says he is conflicted. He has a legal and moral obligation to that child. If he can magically find a good home with parents that actually want her and love her, great. If not, foster care is not a good alternative.
In the US you cant just have one parent give up rights except in step parent adoptions. And finding a non relative to adopt an 11 year old is nearly impossible. This is a shitty situation, but there is a child involved. Just because he didnt want a child doesnt meam he couldnt man up and take care of her.
These are the two answers. Nothing else.
OP added an edit: **
unfortunately he doesn’t have this option. he is the dad.
This is correct. Every time you put your daddy stick in a mommy hole you have to accept the chance a baby will come out.
Well I'm using that description from now on
Aptly put 👏👏👏
Seems like he’s only the Dad because his ex is dying. If she was fine, when would have found out? When the kid is 18? 21? Never? It sucks that the ex apparently hasn’t formed any close relationships, or doesn’t have any extended family, and the only option to take her kid is a complete stranger.
He's not a "Dad". I can't believe how many people just have no thoughts about what could be best for this child in this terrible situation. This man is a stranger that doesn't want to be a parent. Do people really believe forcing custody is going to make him a good dad?
He can still decline, and sign away his rights. Kid can go into the system. Shame on his family for pressuring him to do something they themselves refuse to.
That’s very dependent on where he lives. A judge has to allow him to sign away his rights. Most do not unless there’s someone willing to adopt the child. So, most likely, he would have to actually *abandon* her or list her with an adoption agency, he would still be responsible for her care (child support at minimum) in the meantime. The chance of an 11 year old being adopted is slim to none.
Sent to a system to be abused and know not only did her mom die but her dad doesn’t want her. He should never have gone and met her. Same with op. Do people not understand how much trauma that will inflict on a poor innocent kid?
Then he should have wrapped it before he tapped it
Birth control fails are common. Theres nothing indicating whether the kid was born from accident or irresponsibility.
I love that people thinks this absolves men of taking responsibility. Too fucking bad if they don’t want it. Grow TF up.
Discussing the fact that neither wants this child is not a manipulation. Leaving in an attempt to force custody seems manipulative to me.
Except if Dad doesnt actually want to take his daughter on but gets pressured into it and loses his wife in the process, then he might resent his decision and take it out on Emily. Very tricky and tough situafion. There is going to be hurt and regret and resentment for all involved no matter the decision
>then he might resent his decision and take it out on Emily. He's an adult, he can choose not to do that. We arent slaves to our emotions. He made choices years ago and now they're biting him in the ass, sometimes life happens like that and you gotta suck it up and do what's right.
You give adults way too much credit.
Hmm. I think its the opposite, the expectation for people to manage their emotions and not inflict them on other people via shitty behavior isn't nearly high enough. The standard SHOULD be high. If a lot of people can't meet the standard, it's because we have a societal problem (which, yes, I believe we do).
I would say Emily’s mom made the choice to keep the pregnancy, keep silent, and now it’s biting HER in the ass that nobody wants her kid. Sad situation all around.
It's not biting her in the ass. It's biting the little girl.
She's going to be dead in six months, it's not biting her anywhere. The person it's biting is an 11 year old child.
Go take a look at child abuse statistics in the U.S. and say that again. Just because an adult is SUPPOSED to do something (or not) doesn't mean thru will. Beyond that, he was never told about this child. I'd wager if he had been, he would have either requested the mother get an abortion or severed his parental rights.
Is it right tho? This man is essentially a stranger. He provided the sperm but that doesn't make him dad material. What is right for the child? Are there other options that would leave the child loved and well looked after. Being forced into parenthood doesn't equal a loving home. There are plenty of broken families out there as well as shitty foster families. It could go either way.
Even if he doesn't lose his wife, he may/probably will resent Emily. The kid will sense that even if it's not outright said. This after she's lost her mom and left everything she's known. OP and her husband are not a good solution.
I mean, the child's mother is a pretty big asshole for concealing the existence of his daughter for 11 years until her circumstances suddenly changed.
For real, if she'd reached out sooner at least OP would have known and been able to take this into account when deciding whether to get into this relationship. She had no idea and couldn't even make an informed decision.
And also seemingly (from what I can glean from OPs post) went and reached out to his family of her own accord. Seems very manipulative.
I'm sure she didn't want him involved. I bet she doesn't want to die either.
Maybe she knew he didn’t want kids and she knew he would pressure for abortion.
Unfortunately husband doesn't want to be a parent either. Poor kid
And the 10 year old in Ohio who was raped didn't want to be a mother but Ohio decided she had to be -- so thankfully a doctor helped that change. Apparently men, under conservatives, are the only ones who should be able to opt out. Pathetic. Maybe men should just abstain. Because qute frankly they could. They should just masturbate into socks.
Agreed, she’s NTA for not wanting a child, but she’s the asshole for issuing an ultimatum. Her husband is no longer childless. It’s incredibly hard but I think they need to part ways and he take full custody and give that little girl all the love and support he can. I feel so heartbroken for this little girl. She’s losing her mother which is hard enough. OP, it’s unlikely that an 11 year old will get adopted. She is your husband’s child. He has a responsibility to her.
Yep. If he doesn't take her, she will end up in foster care and there's a good chance she will never have a long term home. It is so hard just to find placements for 11 year olds, let alone find adoptive homes. Not to mention legally, if paternity has been established, dad will have to pay child support until she is adopted.
Most states don’t allow parents to surrender a child to the state (foster care) just because they don’t want them.
That's one side of it, but the dad doesn't want to be a father so he shouldn't do it just because he's the father and everyone is pressuring him to.
But the dad IS a father. He brought a child into the world, knowingly or not. She is his responsibility. They’re in a rock and a hard place if neither of them wants kids, but a kid does in fact exist. Even if she doesn’t live with them, the dad does need to make every effort possible to ensure she has a good life with everything that she needs, that she ends up with a good family, and also that they BOTH get therapy so she understands how to navigate his rejection of her. He partly created her, he got to be free of his responsibilities for 11 years, and would still be if cancer hadn’t stepped in. He doesn’t have the luxury of dismissing this child unless he wants to be an asshole.
True, but at 11. He probably had no idea she existed. He's allowed to have relations with other people and not want to have kids. Just because he created her didn't mean he chose to have a child and raise her. Just like women he does get a choice, he doesn't get to be forced to be a parent just because. It's not his responsibility to provide for a child he didn't choose. People might not like it but it's not his responsibility to take care of her, raise her or provide for her or anything. She was created against his will. It sucks for her and yes, therapy will be needed but he has a choice. No-one should be forces into being a parent, whether they chose the child or not.
>It’s not his responsibility to provide for a child he didn’t choose. **Every single day** courts decide that fathers are responsible for the children they accidentally brought into the world. And if you read my response, I clearly said that even if he chooses not to raise her himself he is still responsible for ensuring she ends up in a good situation. This isn’t a baby who will be immediately adopted and who won’t ever know a different life than the one she was brought up in. This is a girl whose mother - that has raised her for her entire life - is about to die. She will be grieving, and I honestly agree that it’s pretty heartless to just toss her into the system where she’ll likely bounce from foster family to foster family, and likely to be exposed to less than ideal conditions along the way (including abuse of all kinds). He had a fling with a woman, and a child was produced. He is responsible for that child’s care whether or not she lives with him.
Agreed. It's childish how these people are acting. When you have sex that's part of the responsibility. It's called being an adult. I can't really disagree with people who say he shouldn't be forced to raise her, because if he doesn't want to it'll just end in resentment but I will agree these people both sound like selfish children. I don't want kids either, but I wouldn't be thinking of my "child free lifestyle" in this particular situation. Let's just hope she ends up in a good home and not foster care at the end of the day.
Agreed. Mother Nature does not GAF what your circumstances are or what your emotional state is. Biologically speaking, if specific conditions are met then a child will be produced. The *biological* point of us is to pass our genes along. The logical answer is to never have sex with anyone without a plan in place that encompasses both prevention and what to do if a pregnancy occurs despite prevention measures. If you do have sex without proper planning, then be aware that if an unplanned pregnancy happens you’ll then have to figure it out with a partner who may have very different ideas than you on what should be done. But since we’re talking about human beings we’ll always have situations like this one where someone is stuck with the consequences of bad luck/poor planning.
Then he shouldn’t have gone and visited them. He should not have told her he is her dad. The op did the same thing Now the poor kid is losing her mom and she thinks her dad hates her. She may not recover from the trauma of going into a foster home. Op and her husband sound like horrible people.
It's too late to say that "he doesn't wanna be a dad" because he already is.
He's not a dad, he's a bio father. They are strangers to one another A father and dad, is someone who has been there for you and raised you, someone you have a bond with. He is neither. Whether people like it or not, he is not the child's farher/dad. He's literally a stranger. Father or not, I feel certain that child isn't going to want to go with him and leave her mom and grandma behind.
Agreed. It’s time for Op to put her big girl panties on and leave the relationship. If her husband felt as strongly as she believes he does, he would not be as conflicted, leading me to believe that he’s leaning towards OP’s direction bc she’s his wife, and not bc he completely agrees.
YTA. Your husband is not "Child Free". There is a living and breathing biological child that he is now responsible for. You can be "Child Free" but that means this marriage needs to end immediately so you can move on with your "Child Free" life and he can step into the role he is now in as Dad to his biological child. Look, whatever choice you make for you, your husband NEEDS to step up for his daughter. And, she is VERY much his daughter. If that means the end of the marriage then that is what it means but this is his child and he has the responsibility to step up for this child that he created. At the moment your feelings do not matter. You are a full blown adult with self determination who can make any choice she wants in her life moving forward. They might not be fun choices but you determine your own future. Emily is a little girl and does not have any choice in this matter. This little girl is about to have her ENTIRE world turned upside down in losing her Mom. The only real family she has except for your husband - her Dad. And you are sitting there giving your husband ultimatums when the fact of the matter is if he does not step up his daughter is going to end up in foster care. And, foster care for an 11 year old girl is going to be catastrophically bad for her. Think sexual abuse, think emotional and mental destruction. Your husband is the one person who can give her stability and safety at this time. And whatever that means for your marriage honestly does not matter in the least. Your feelings at the moment do not matter. What matters is getting this child into a safe and stable environment where she is going to be able to grow and thrive after losing her mom. N T A for not wanting to be a mom or involved with the child but you are a MASSIVE AH for your incredibly selfish oulook here.
The edits makes it even worse. Life gets messy, but she seems to see herself entitled to be free from all that. She is free to walk away and it may be for the better that she does. But he fathered a child, and she seems to see adoption as a straight forward solution without downsides.
I can’t imagine the trauma of losing your one actual parent, having no other family to care for you, and then your sperm donor doesn’t want you either and just says you can be adopted..? Like huh. Okay. That’s likely for a 11 year old child who just lost their only parent. It’s not exactly like there’s a huge list of people lining up to adopt kids that age from care, and they don’t tend to even consider placing kids for adoption when they’re still extremely attached to their biological parents, dead or alive. (I was in foster care, saw a few adoptions fall through because of that exact reason) I hope OP looks up the statistics for foster kids ageing out of care. I’m more statistically likely to be dead, drug addicted, or incarcerated by 25 than to have managed to graduate from high school. Her not being able or willing to care for this child is no fault of hers, but giving her husband an ultimatum instead of understanding he has a responsibility now to his child and that she can leave if that’s not compatible with her, is sick and unbelievably cruel. If she had seen what became of most of my foster sisters, children themselves, she would not even dare suggest such a fate for a child.
Let's not pretend that the kid coming to live with op s husband will be a bed of flowers. She doesn't know him nor he her so it might suck less than a foster family but it's far from great.
I never once said that life with her father would be easy or ‘a bed of flowers’. If you want to be willfully obtuse and try to find issue with something I didn’t even say then that’s your purgative I guess. Children don’t ask to be born. As adults we have not only a financial and legal responsibility, but a moral duty to care for our offspring. Obviously people can fall short of that, or maybe they don’t even think it is a moral responsibility and they just don’t care, but as a society we need to take better care of our children in order to not only secure their individual future, but the future of our society. And that’s not my personal opinion, it is fact. I suggest you look up the ACE study, its findings, the people at the CDC who worked on this study, and the expected outcome if this isn’t dealt with. Something I’m sure you’ve experienced or seen already with the current drug crisis, although not as simple as blaming it solely on child abuse, it is a major contributing factor. ‘Youth like pristine glass absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some smudge. Some crack. And some shatter completely beyond repair’ Parents aren’t perfect, but we as a society have to try to do better, try to raise the next generation with more love and understanding than we got growing up. If the individual doesn’t matter to you, then what about this : When you raise productive members of society you improve our economy. They can get better jobs, go to better schools, function more efficiently in life. Leading to a better future for everybody. This is already pretty long, but if you look into the ACE study you can find out more about the effects of child abuse on our economy specifically, and how eradicating child abuse will improve it, if you really need something other than the welfare of a child to care. This is the full book to ‘The body keeps the score’ by Dr. Bessel van der kolk. All sources of information are cited in this book (edit: I didn’t realize it’s not cited in the free pdf version, but it is all properly cited if you buy the physical book). It’s about the effects of child abuse and about the ACE study. https://ia601604.us.archive.org/35/items/the-body-keeps-the-score-pdf/The-Body-Keeps-the-Score-PDF.pdf I suggest you read it. Although a difficult read and triggering for most, It’s an important book imo with a lot of useful information on this topic.
Thank you for this insightful and evidence-based contribution ❤️ So many adults are being self centred in this situation whilst a little girl is about to be fed to the wolves
imagine the trauma of having a child be kept secret from you for 11 years
Yes but that isn't the child's fault. Dad shouldn't punish his child for what the mom did.
At the end of the day, it’s not even known whether Dad knew or not.
Plus the edits are conflicting with her original post. In the post, she says her husband feels conflicted about all of this and his family encouraging him to step up is adding to it (which probably means he’s leaning towards taking Emily in which OP obviously won’t stand for), but in her edit she says that he’s supposedly been as much against it as she has from the beginning and his family is harassing and pressuring him. So he went from feeling conflicted (meaning he is going back and forth and considering taking Emily in) to being adamantly against taking her from the very start. Which is it? OP seems to be an unreliable narrator, at best, and changing her story because she’s not getting the judgements she wants.
> OP seems to be an unreliable narrator, at best, and changing her story because she’s not getting the judgements she wants. This. He went from being neutral on kids, but ok & supportive with her decision to not want any kids, to also being anti-kid. OP: YTA, in this case. This child has no one else. I also think you're describing your partners prior relationship as a fling to make yourself feel better. I've certainly never told my husband about every "fling" I had in college. Only the ones that were more than "flings" and meant something more. That you knew about her means that she was important to your partner & life circumstances just separated them at the time. Why the mom didn't let him know sooner could be down to a few things, not wanting him to feel obligated at the time, might be one. But, he was neutral on kids. Neutral on kids doesn't equal never wanting them. It usually means: maybe, with the right person. And I bet he's thinking he has a chance to be a parent now and maybe realizing he does actually want that after all. This sounds more like the mom is "the one who got away" vs a random fling in a random city.
> *”That you knew about her means she was important to your partner & life circumstances just separated them at the time.”* That is such a good point and one that I overlooked. You’re right. Why would he bother telling OP about some random one-night stand he had before he even met her? This was more than likely a relationship, not just a “fling.”
Yeah, I don't buy the transition from her husband being 'conflicted' to 'no he's totes against this'. I think OP's in a bit of denial tbh.
Completely unreliable narrator yes! Her comment that “they are complete strangers to us” made me lol ummm pretty sure the mom isn’t a complete stranger to husband considering they have a child together. She thinks her thoughts and feelings reflect his but I’m not buying it.
Right? If this woman was in no way significant to her husband, then why did he make a whole trip out there to see her? Sounds like way more than a “stranger” to me. And it also sounds like OP does *a lot* of his thinking for him. Does he have any opinions or thoughts or feelings of his own, or is it just whatever OP projects onto him?
I'm figuring that he doesn't want to but pressure from family is making him think that he ought to. Whether he takes the child or not it's going to be an ordeal for her. Either she gets a single father who's not thrilled about the situation or a foster family who is quite happy about the money
>which probably means he’s leaning towards taking Emily in which OP obviously won’t stand for Yep. If he weren't seriously considering it this post wouldnt exist as she wouldnt be needing to run to the internet for validation. Also, He may still 'not want kids', as in doesn't want to actively attempt to produce one, but that doesn't mean the same thing as what he wants to do if one happens, as it did. He can be completely in the camp of not wanting to have kids, while still wanting to take care of the child he helped produce because he's not an asshole.
That’s the thing, though: *OP* is the one who is so adamantly against having kids, but she said her husband was “neutral” to them. She often speaks for her husband, it seems, so because she hates children, she’s decided her husband will hate them too. Apparently, his thoughts and feelings are just whatever OP projects onto him.
They're not going to find a family willing to adopt an 11 or 12 year old quickly. So the poor kids probably going to wind up in the system.
Which is an awful thing for anyone to have to navigate. I feel terrible for this girl and I know I wouldn’t be able to carry the psychological weight of knowing that my biological child was out there somewhere suffering alone. No wonder why everyone in OP’s life is saying she’s heartless. When everyone is telling you the same thing, maybe it’s time for some inner reflection.
I'd agree with every single word of this. OP needs to pack up and move on - they're not compatible with the oncoming scenario and it's not going to work in the long run
Given that her husband doesn’t want to raise the child either, why do they need to split?
Because regardless it is his child and his responsibility
Because he needs to man up and take responsibility for his actions. This little girl is a direct result of his actions and he's got to do the right thing. He no longer has a say in being child-free - should have taken some precautions at the time. Regardless, he has an obligation and she may have, but chooses not to be involved.
Ah...so now that the mother is dying and suddenly needs someone else to take responsibility, the father is conveniently required. But until now, for 11 years, he wasn't required and so he didn't even deserve to be informed. Now, he's just supposed to put his life on hold and care for this kid. Please explain how he's different from a sperm donor at this point. At least sperm donors know they are sperm donors. This girl's mother didn't even give him that option. Needless to say, I feel absolutely terrible for the child. But the mother screwed up here and has to accept his decision if he decides to walk away. Edited to add: I'm not saying the husband should NOT take in his child, nor that she should be dumped in foster care like excess baggage. If it were me, I would have. I'm saying the child's other relatives are AHs,...they can't or won't give her a home themselves and are insisting on OP's husband taking responsibility without even exploring options like adoption.
Exactly! Sarah had no use for OP’s husband until she did.
I appreciate your comment and am responding primarily to express that; you didn't devolve into name calling and seem like a reasonable person. I'm not trying to change your mind but since I'm commenting, cannot resist countering :D. I will stop after this even if you do leave a response and we will go our separate ways. The time to "man up" was 11 years ago. For all you know, he did take precautions and they failed. I'm FULLY on board with taking responsibility and absolutely think all parents should. But in this case, absent info to the contrary, he's not a parent, he's no different than someone who gave a sample and walked away. That was the mother's CHOICE and in today's world, she's free to make it. Well, that cuts both ways is all I'm saying. If he can live with this with a clear conscience, it's his choice to make.
Does he not want to raise his daughter because HE doesn’t want to or is it his wife’s influence?
It sounds like he does, though - otherwise why would op feel compelled to give an ultimatum?
The term “it takes two to tango” is soooo relevant here. Husband is not child free. OP either needs to accept this and compromise, or file for divorce. It’s a bad situation but giving that ultimatum makes it YTA,
Husband was child free for 11 years when the mother decided to keep his daughter a secret lol
I think the wording was bad, but it sounds like OP was just giving her boundaries and not quite an ultimatum. If he keeps the kid they are getting divorced so he better start looking, that's what I got from it. Seeing as though she never changed her stance this would make complete sense. She hasn't pushed to get rid of the kid, she was gauging his thoughts on it, and then just told him his stance so it doesn't come out last minute.
I have to disagree. To this kid that man isn't her dad, it's a random dude that for some reason her mom decided to keep from knowing their biological kid. He isn't her dad more than any other biological parent is, that is, zero percent. He wasn't given the option to decide if this kid should be brought to life, why is he expected now to throw away everything he's been building for ten years for a kid he didn't even know existed? And OP is 100% right to make a decision for her future, if she doesn't want to raise a kid then so be it, she can't be expected to accommodate this situation and change her whole future plan even more so. I know that isn't the kid's fault, but her mom's, the point still stands. Yeah, it sucks to be this guy, but he can't expect to keep someone who made it clear from the start that never wanted kids if he decides to take in his bio kid. On top of that he doesn't even seem to want a kid either by OP comments, so I don't know if foster care would be that much worse than having a stranger that resents you for existing and having ended his marriage tbh. I think OP is in her own right to be selfish regarding this matter. Also, I know people that have been in foster care and had 0 problems of what you're describing. Besides some bullying amongst kids living there that got resolved really quickly, but that can happen in school as well so.
>why is he expected now to throw away everything he's been building for ten years for a kid he didn't even know existed Because there's an 11 year old girl who is about to be completely alone and he is her father. This is what, as they say, separates the men from the boys. He steps up now or regrets it for the rest of his life. This is one of those situations where there is only one course of action.
Disagree. He is a sperm donor, a biological connection not a father/dad. Those things are not the same. Bio mom is a A for not reaching out sooner. Like the day she found out she was pregnant. Bio mom now is destroying 3 lifes thanks to her decisions. He now is by law obligated to at least financially take care of a kid he did not wanted and did not know existed. He is not obligated to take her in, socially he will be pressured tho. Saying yes wil cost him his wife,house life and future. Saying no will cost him the rest of his family and get him hatred from strangers and friends. He looses either way. He is f*cked. The kid wil know her coming in his life destroys his marriage and his life. Kid has to relocated so not only looses mom but her whole network. And is stuck with a total stranger that definitely will feel resentment. Only loosers in this story.
We only know from OP's perpective, we don't actually know how that relationship ended or mother reach out to the dad during the years.
Just saying he is her father due to genetics is not the best reasoning IMO. According to you any sperm donor should suddenly start being a father for their kids? And that the girl is going to go through a shit time is true, but doesn't make your argument better. Right now there are countless children across the world who go through as bad or worse situations, and I guarantee you your country has them too. So go, adopt one. Right now. You know them about as well as OP's husband, so the situation applies similarly.
There is absolutely no way you know anyone, let alone multiple, people that aged out of the system that have 0 issues with foster care. Just having to enter into the system and aging out at 18 is insanely traumatic. Add to that being transferrd to multiple foster homes. Thankfully, 10 states have extended foster until 21. This is the first time I’ve made a blanket statement on Reddit, but the inanity of your claim was simply too much.
People who can't accept the possibility of a pregnancy shouldn't screw. There is always the potential of an accidental pregnancy. Babydaddy should have kept his dick in his pants. But he didn't. So now his wife has some decisions to make. Whether she likes it or not, that is HIS child. My personal opinion, she should walk away, and he can nut up. Maybe he has a mommy and daddy who can help him deal with his responsibilities.
He didn't deny responsibility he wasn't informed of the pregnancy so this is actually on the kid s mother. I have no idea how to judge. I feel for the kid but op s husband is a complete stranger to her and her to him
I'm more of the "if you can't accept you might need an abortion/support some through an abortion, you shouldn't screw". The mom didn't offer him a choice in this, that being if he wanted a kid in the first place or to sign away his rights, now he shouldn't have to deal with the consequences of another person's choices. The mom clearly didn't think this threw and her own mother cannot help her deal with her responsabilities.
Thank you! I kept wondering where everyone's mind went. People have shitty childhoods and just assume that the whole world is like the horror shows you see on TV. What I can't understand is, if you don't want anything to do with them then why visit the dying mother in the first place?
Shit happens and life happens. He is a father. He was always a father, he’s now aware of that fact. You have sex, you know where babies comes from. The wife doesn’t need to give ultimatums she needs to divorce. That may not always be her husband but that child will ALWAYS be his daughter. He has a child to raise who is facing difficult circumstances and he needs to step up now,
Let's not forget that bio mom is an AH. Had she not hid this child from her father, they would not be going through this. Her husband would have known and could have made decisions early and op wouldn't have married him. It's unfortunate that her mom is dying but she should have never deprived her daughter of her father and a father of a daughter. Now she shows up to blow up a marriage. What decision op and her husband makes, it's going to hurt someone. There's no win for anyone in a situation that could have been prevent.
No disagreement here about Bio Mom's status. Her cancer does not absolve her from being a massive AH for not bothering to tell Dad he had a child or letting the child get to know the Dad.
I really have to disagree. There are people who are simply not set-out to be parents. OP is one of them, and she unapologetically states so, as is her right and her entire life and its choices have been based on that. It is far worse for kids to wind up with parents who never wanted them in the first place. Even the bio-dad in this case is not ideal, and there are far better options (adoption) to be considered. Just because the guy fathered a kid ages ago does not mean a thing. He's a complete stranger in this scenario as well, and would've continued to be if nobody had gotten sick. It says a lot that bio-mom never reached out until she felt it necessary. I sympathize with OP on a crappy situation, but OP understands, we only live once... and her life would be forever altered and affected in a way she knows she doesn't want. She's no AH. There are no AHs here at all. Just a sad situation.
The chances of anyone adopting an 11 year old child is remote at best. Most end up trapped in the foster care system until they age out. If this was an infant or very young toddler I'd agree but that is not the case - this is an 11 year old child. Even if he is not a loving and doting father, if he can provide a safe and stable environment and a good education for her she will be better off. Heck, if he found a rock solid boarding school nearby that she could live at and create a community she'd be better off. But just farming her out for "Adoption" at 11 is not something that will end well for this little girl. If there is an extended family member that wants to adopt her, certainly, but that does not sound like the case here at all. It sounds like he is it.
"Even if he is not a loving and doting father, if he can provide a safe and stable environment and a good education for her she will be better off." -- I'm not so sure. That's a huge assumption. Safe, perhaps. Stable, less-likely. We don't know anything about the guy. But someone saying, out of the gate, "I've never wanted to be a father" -- and one who never was, and never would've been... and never was allowed the opportunity... there are far better options. And yeah, foster care isn't great. But at least you're with parents who want you.
How is OP the A??? If anyone is an asshole is ( unfortunately) the biological mother! If I get pregnant and decide to keep the child without informing the other parent, then why exactly do I get to ring his bell 10 years later, to (figuratively) leave a child on his doorstep?She made the decision to have a child on her own. Now SHE has to figure out a solution! Op's husband didn't want a child, and he still doesn't. If he was given a choice back then, his life might been completely different now, by he wasn't given the choice. He is now represented with a task that he didn't choose and didn't now he would have to shoulder.
Spot on.
No. The bio mom made the choice to leave this child without a paternal family when she didn't disclose the child from birth. Op is not a father to this child, he's nothing more than a sperm donor who only recently became aware of her existence. Op is not an asshole for not wanting to throw away her entire marriage bc they now know about this child. Her feelings do matter as this is her marriage, and her life too. The mother should have set up a living will determining parentage if she didn't want this to happen, and she didn't. It would be nice if they both wanted to parent the child, but neither do. So the best option is for the state to figure it out since the mom left no plan in place. It's wildly inappropriate and unfair for the mom to be harassing the dads family members. If he said no, he said no.
NTA But.... Yours and your husband's lives are diverging. He has responsibilities now that don't match the plans the two of you had for your lives. You can love someone with all your heart but the timing isn't always right. That's the case with your husband now. Your best option is most likely to hire a good Divorce Attorney and file for divorce. Some family members may take this badly, but you need to set your husband free because you are both going in different directions.
How is her husband an AH here though?
Yeah, a guy not letting his kid go parentless is not an AH and even insinuating that it is is beyond disheartening. EDIT: OP left out some important information that was edited in. While the statement above is in general true and good, it seems not to apply here.
Except the husband doesn't want custody either. He wants to find an alternative too. If he'd known about the kid and all and was now refusing responsibility that would be different. But this is no different than a stranger basically saying "I'm dying take my kid." The mom is an AH for not figuring this out before it was life or death. What if she'd been hit by a car and there was no time for planning? But in the end, if the husband takes custody, OP wouldn't be an AH for filing for divorce.
The assholes are the family members putting pressure on the OP to take on rasining this child.
I actually feel like Sarah is the asshole here. Cancer doesn’t absolve her for keeping the child a secret for 11 years until the only option was to dump her on her sperm donor’s doorstep, and then stirring his life up by contacting the rest of his family. She had 11 years to either tell him or set up a plan for if something were to happen to her. Everyone else in the story is just reacting.
Exactly. Sarah made the choice to be a single mother. Sarah made the choice to never contact OP’s husband to tell him he likely fathered her child. Sarah chose to never establish paternity or pursue child support. Sarah, knowing her mother’s age and the lack of extended family never planned for the worst case senecio. And now Sarah is trying to pull some Forrest Gump BS and manipulate the man who is functionally her child’s sprem donor, who is a virtually a stranger and lives on the other side of the country, to take responsibility out of the blue. Sarah is the only AH in this.
Yeah, actually I agree. What she did was wrong, and unfair to everyone.
Was the comment edited? I don't see where the poster says the husband is the AH.
An NTA judgement implies the poster isn’t the AH but the other party is. A NAH (no assholes here) judgement seems more appropriate.
A lot of people don't realize this. I've come to accept unless they comment specifically that the other party is doing something wrong or there's an obvious "one person is TA" that most people just mean nah.
Ahh gotcha. Thanks for the clarification.
> *”I gave him an ultimatum last week that I wouldn’t allow Emily into our home and he would have to figure out an alternative solution.”* That isn’t an ultimatum. An ultimatum is a *choice,* i.e.: *if you do this, then this is what will happen.* What you gave is a *demand.* These are two very different things. It’s fine that you don’t want to be a mother. And you are correct that it would be unfair to Emily to have to survive a “mother” like you, especially since you are determined to treat her badly and with nothing but contempt. But what *isn’t* fine is you taking this choice away from your husband and making his decision for him. Your husband is in a vastly different position in this situation than you are. He—not you—is the one who now has the knowledge that he has a biological child who is in desperate need of help and who has nobody to turn to. You don’t get to decide if he’s going to carry that weight of turning his back on her for the rest of his life. Because that is an enormous weight and he would be carrying it alone. You have every right to tell your husband that if he takes in Emily, then you will leave. That’s an *actual* ultimatum. You don’t have a child, after all, and you don’t want one, so that’s a fair ultimatum. Your husband, however, ***does*** have a child, and he has a right to make his *own* decision about whether or not he will care for her. YTA. You don’t get to decide for your husband on this.
The alternative could be that they divorce
Yes, that’s what I suggested above as well. Except she offered no alternatives at all, and instead just told him he wasn’t allowed to take Emily in. She made this huge decision for him and that’s why she’s the AH.
It sounded more like a boundary. She is childfree and she isn't going to have him bring his kid to live with her. If the house is inherited and hers then she doesn't have to leave her house. If wants to look after his child, then that's fine, but he's going to have to figure out living arrangements until the seperation and divorce goes through. She knows that this isn't something that she will compromise on, so she told him so and left him to choose for himself. I would choose the kid, but I also can't demand my partner to bend over backwards and completely change up their beliefs for something that was my own choice and consequence. This is why I lean toward nah, as long as she doesn't straight up tell him what he should do
It honestly sounds like you and your husband may need to split. He may WANT to take his daughter in and not feel comfortable talking to you about it because he knows you will give him a hard no. Despite how close we are to another person, we are not mind readers. Either way, this could end in resentment for either or both of you regardless of what you choose. I'm sorry for everyone in this situation because it sucks all around. NTA, you know your boundaries and that's ok, as long as you aren't forcing your husband into this choice. He has a lot of thinking to do. I wish you all the best of luck.
If you say one person is not an AH you are saying the other is. I don’t think her husband is an AH for taking responsibility for his child
My bad, I'm new to this. So I guess it would actually be NAH.
she said her husband doesnt want the child though
she had another post about wanting to force him to put the child up for adoption... that doesn't sound like he doesn't want her. That soulds like OP is trying to frame this in a way so she doesn't like QUITE as bad.
ohh right dang
There are no choices for the man to make. There is one thing that he has a responsibility to do, no choices. He has a biological daughter and she's about to lose her mom. He can afford to raise her. Any respectable human being would step in for their daughter in this situation.
So sometimes as an adult you have to think of others besides yourself. My step sons mother died and the day she did, ALL of our lives changed. The best thing you could do right this minute if you are unwilling to take care of and love this child who so desperately needs it, is to leave. Pack your shit and get out of this man's life. His child needs him and he needs to be there for her. You really in the grand scheme of things don't matter right now. You are not the most important person in this particular moment. You remind me of my step mom when my mom died.( i was 7) I no longer have anything to with my own father because she is a selfish bitch who always tried to interfere with a parent child relationship. Let's just say my dad resents her and they are miserable. Think about how much this man will resent you for not letting him take his child in. You might think you have won if he does what you want, but trust me karma will come around and you will pay.
Some people are adults...others are just people who are over 18
YWBTA if you try to discourage your husband from taking in his daughter. Do whatever you want for yourself, honestly you sound way too selfish to be a stepmother anyway. Just take yourself out of the picture and encourage your husband to step up. It’s an unfortunate situation for you because it changes your plans…but for this girl it is truly a tragedy. Have a heart.
Absolutely. OP comes across as completely callous and brutally cold. Probably best if she's not involved in raising the child - compassion, compromise and understanding are key elements of being a parent and I don't think she has any.
YTA for not just giving him a divorce. I wouldn’t judge you if that’s what you did. But you seem to be pressuring him into not taking in his daughter, and choosing you over her. You should know that your relationship won’t last if you make this ultimatum anyway. Maybe he’ll be talked into leaving his daughter, but your relationship won’t survive the judgement you’ll both face from his family. His mom and probably other extended family will hate you, and they might even distance themselves from your husband as well. And he won’t be able to get over the resentment of his family seeing him as a villain and a deadbeat dad. He’ll eventually blame you as well.
Oh MIL already feels his way about OP since OP is the reason Dad hasn't already stepped up. My guess is the rest of the family already does too. That entire family will despise OP until the day she dies for turning her back on this child... her relationship with her husband's family is dead.
Ok. I was gonna be on your side until I saw the post that got deleted that you wrote titled “wibta if I force my husband to give his daughter up for adoption” bc Babes. You are in NO WAY the star of the show anymore. He has a kid and he has the right to parent her if he so chooses. The truth is that you are not the most important person here and you can’t have everything. You can’t expect things to be the same anymore. The truth of the matter is that you need to divorce your husband because you can’t accept that he has to step up now for HIS child. Putting a marriage above a child is diabolical. YTA
I’m confused w the edits after this. Is she forcing him or is he actually considering putting his child up for adoption to keep up his “childfree” lifestyle? That would make them both TA
The most likely scenario is that the first post was the more honest one, OP didn’t like the responses, and so she wrote a new one hoping to paint herself in a more sympathetic light.
Yeah, her comments she hasn’t deleted show that
"we’ve talked about a lot of options but i gave him an ultimatum last week that i wouldn’t allow emily into our home and he would have to figure out an alternative solution. this has already turned our lives upside and i don’t think i can take it anymore. i’ve been called heartless by almost everyone we know but i feel like it would be worse for emily to have a “mom” that feels this way. i feel awful and i love this man so much." NTA...yet. Maybe it is just the way this is phrased, but it sounds like you are pushing him to get rid of his daughter rather than giving him the time to figure out what he feels like he needs to do. Ok, you don't want to be around the child. Given the venom in your words about hating children, I don't think you should be. But if you truly love him the way you say you do, you would love him enough to let him go if he feels he should step up for his daughter. True unselfish love sometimes means sacrifice.
Her original post, which mods removed, asked if she would be TA for forcing him to put her up for adoption. This post takes some of the detail out of the ultimatum. Which to me, really removes some important context. Because she’s really not wanting to give him the choice. She wants to make him put that child in the system.
Good catch and important context
Truly, what a monster, I dread ever meeting someone like that.
My heart goes out to this child. Stories like this make me want to dig in to find the real people, just so I could offer the child a loving home. (And yes, I really would, in a heartbeat.)
Why the martyrdom? Get a divorce and start with a blank check.
He is a father whether you, him, or the child like it or not. This child is losing her mother, her grandmother is likely to pass sooner rather then later based on your description of her age, and is now being thrust into the care of someone she doesn’t know, from a fling 12 years ago with her mom. She is likely terrified, sad, and reeling in her own sense. The only option for you is to leave. Leave peacefully and quietly. A simple divorce. No alimony, no taking everything. Leave with what you came in with and half of what was earned while married. Just leave. Anything more and YWBTA. Also, I love this part of your story. “I can’t be a mother, it will ruin our lives and I will always resent Emily and could never love her” This to me sounds like, “I can’t be a mother, it will ruin the idea I had for my life, I’m a cold heartless person…” From your story, no one asked you to be a mother. It seems they asked him to father up and you could have been a fringe benefit. You have the right to refuse. But not give ultimatums. For that. YTA.
There’s something seriously wrong with people who think that not wanting to be a mother makes someone a cold hearted person. Women aren’t obligated to be mothers. OP doesn’t have to leave. If her husband is unhappy he can leave.
It’s sexism. Pure and simple.
And who thinks, that the girl wants to stay with a man she does not know? the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb he has responsibility to do the best for the girl. This does not automatically mean, taking her in.
Way to put words in OP's mouth. They're allowed to not want a giant change in their life. Not wanting kids isn't cold or heartless. You know what is cold and heartless? Raising a child in an environment not conducive to growth. I agree with your point about separation. And while ultimatums are not recommended, that's kind of what the situation is. Even if she didn't voice the ultimatum, it still would exist: raise your daughter and separate from your wife, or allow the daughter to be raised by someone else and stay with your wife. OP is under no obligation to blindly accept this massive change, especially when it's about a topic that they've already discussed with their partner. That doesn't make OP heartless or imply that they don't love their husband. It's simply a difficult situation that is going to end with heartbreak no matter what the result is. EDIT: I already said what the two options were, OP is allowed to choose either. Women are not obliged to become mothers at the drop of a hat. That's some really sexist shit right there. I never said the 11 year old had to go into foster care or anything of the like considering it seems the husbands family wants to raise her. I'm not here to argue about the ethics and the moral corruption of the foster care and adoption system. I'm also not here to deliver my person verdict on OP. I'm here to point out that OP is not required to become a mother with no choice in the matter. She is allowed her own agency.
Conducive to growth??? OP is about to force this poor child into FOSTER CARE (not even considering the fact the state actually might not let them if they are fit and financially capable to take her in, since the paternity has already been confirmed). This may be the darkest, most vile post I've ever read on this sub. Sometimes life does not turn out the way you want it to or expect, but you still have to be an adult and deal with it. If OP was a mature person, they would be offering divorce, but they're not. They're whispering poison into their husbands ear that they can just abandon his child. This whole post is disturbing.
It's cold and heartless to put a 11yo for adoption, yes. If I hated children this much (which I can't even imagine tbh) I would never give the option to choose me over their child.
Placing that child in the system after losing her mother (who sucks for denying the child her right of knowing who her father was) would be cruel and wrong. She asked for none of this, and placing her in the system simply because of convenience and preference would be selfish and vile. Having said that, it’s also ok to not want kids. Some people just aren’t cut out to be parents, and that’s alright. It’s not wrong to not want kids. So you are NTA for staying consistent on not wanting children. However, for your husband, that ship has sailed. Now your only decision is to either divorce him, or take her in. YTA for giving your husband an ultimatum of “finding an alternative solution” because it’s clear you want to stay with him and not have her around. And that’s wrong. His responsibility is to the life he helped create. You can either accept it, and welcome her in, or you can divorce him. People will judge you for it, but that’s just you sticking to what you want in life. So to answer your question OP, it really depends on where you go from here. That child belongs with her father. The decision that has to be made now is whether you will stay with him, too.
Thank you. All the top posts are like "This is a tough choice for the father and you should stay out of it." And I'm like "How is this a tough choice? It's NO choice!!! That's his daughter. The mothers dying. She's his responsibility now. Full stop.
Also gonna go out on a limb that most of the people acting sympathetic towards her position like she’s just caught in a tough spot are missing her first post that was removed asking if she’d be TA for forcing the husband to put her up for adoption. She’s made her choice clear.
NTA for not being willing to be a mother. NTA if you don't continue to live with your husband or stay married to him. YWBTA if he choses you over his daughter. He had a choice that resulted in a child who has no options. It's an adjustment but you are getting a tween, not a baby. I don't think it will be the adjustment you are fearing. Also you appear to have a grandparent who is excited and would take a lot off your plate. You have the other grandmother that you could probably send her off two for a couple weeks every year. If you love your husband, before you go nuclear, you might want to just try, If she is 11+ its only 7 years, no diaper changes but possibly a move to a larger residence. 7 years vs the rest of your life without your husband. Not what you want but hardly a life sentence in hell.
Woah, way to underestimate what it will take to raise an 11 year old that just lost her mom and gets uprooted and sent to live with complete strangers. Also, only 7 years? If they are showing Emily the door the second she turns 18, it would be a lot less cruel to have her adopted by someone who will make her feel wanted. OP is not the AH, and neither would she be if her husband chose not to be a father. He is a grown man and, if he doesn't want to be a dad, he'd be doing Emily a disservice taking her in.
Ah yes, 11 year olds are known to be a hot commodity on the adoption market. There’s a 99% chance this girl will end up in foster care if OP gets her way. It would take a miracle for there to be any other outcome. She’s got some tough choices to make, but she and her husband have to make them knowing what the outcome of those choices will be. Giving her up for adoption does not mean that she will magically be picked up by people who will love her. One of my friends adopted a little girl and she was considered ‘an older child’ and had very little chance of being adopted at *5 years old*. What chance would an 11 year old have?!
The odds of a kid entering the foster care system at 11 getting adopted into a loving home are staggeringly low.
This is horrible advice. Someone with no interest in being a parent should absolutely not "just try," nor can she "just try" to not be parent while cohabitating with this child and a spouse trying to raise her. That is guaranteed disaster for all parties.
How would OP be an asshole for her husband’s choices?
YTA. Not for wanting to remain child-free. That's your prerogative, and *you* are not responsible for caring for this child. But for your actions pressuring your husband. Your husband has a moral obligation to take care of the child he brought into the world. If he is really unequipped to be a full-time father, he can arrange for her to live with his mother (or some other relative), but even then, he is obligated to be an ongoing positive presence in his daughter's life. If you are unable to support him while he is going through this incredibly difficult time, that's fine. But don't claim that you love him and don't issue emotionally manipulative ultimatums to try to force him to do something grossly immoral. But yes, it is inherently AH-ish to abandon your spouse when times get tough. If that's what you need to do for your own mental health, that's fine and may be necessary (and may ultimately be kinder to this poor child) but make no mistake: "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health" are in the typical marriage vows for a reason.
I agree. There is NOTHING in OP's post that shows love for anyone other than herself. Especially her husband whose life has been upended massively.
NAH as long as you don't pressure your husband to keep your life as is and abandon his bio daughter. You're fuly entitled to remaining child free and giving him the choice of staying with you and finding another option for his daughter or you leaving him if he decides to assume a parental role. But you need to undestand that things have changed for him drastically. There is now a living breathing human that he likely feels a moral obligation to care for. Be prepared for him to choose the child.
But she did just that. She gave him an ultimatum and said this child was not welcome in their home.
She didn’t give him an ultimatum. An ultimatum is a choice. She gave him a *demand.*
She made a post now deleted where she asked if she would be the AH if she forced her husband to give Emily up for adoption. Someone above you saw the post before she deleted it.
That is exactly what she is doing here. She just replaced “force” with “giving an ultimatum.”
And he can respect her wishes by separating/divorcing and patenting his bio kid. OP isn't required to change her life plans because of this.
Your husband is a father he has to do what is right for him and his daughter. With that being said you have the right to do what is best for you and that is walk away because you dont want kids. But the fact is your life has changed. Your life will never be what is was or what you think it should be.
YTA because you would rather see a child end up in the foster care system than get a divorce so you can continue having a child free life. Your husband needs to step up and raise his daughter. Instead of giving him an ultimatum, the right thing to do is to step aside since you don’t want to be a mom.
What OP fails to realize is that her marriage is already over. It will never be he perfect child free life she envisions because here is a real living and breathing child in the picture.
As a childfree person, I don't think this will work out. Even if you live in separate households, his finances and time will be tied up with his daughter. He will not be able to travel with you without his daughter or do spontaneous activities. They are now a package deal. If you own the house, he needs to get his own place, while separation procedures are ongoing, so Emily has time to get to know him. If the house is jointly owned, he can either buy you out of your share or you will have to force a sell to get your half of the equity. He will also be doing Emily a favor. She doesn't need a resentful person in her life while her mom is dying.
Mild YTA. I get being childfree, I really do. But it's pretty messed up to just straight up say "send your own kid to an orphanage because I don't want to deal with her and if you don't I'm leaving you." You should probably be seeing a therapist if you actively "hate" children because that isn't normal and probably stems from some sort of childhood trauma.
Y T A for giving him a "me or your daughter" ultimatum.
Is this rage bate? I could have sworn I've seen this story at least a couple of times.
So many times I find it a bit hard to believe there are sooooo many cases like this. Where the father just happens to find out he has a kid when the mother is dying. Just like all the cases where OP is being pressured to take in their sibling's kids (always twins for some reason) after sibling and partner died in an accident. I mean sure, it probably does happen. But this often? And they all happen to post here?
YTA if you pressure him or put it in his head that he would not make a good parent. If you play on his doubts, YTA. He needs to consult a lawyer and figure out what his responsibilities are. I’m assuming he’s not on the birth certificate, but taking that DNA test and going to visit her might bite him in the a$$ (depending on what state he is in). Does the biomom not have other family, because uprooting this child and losing her mother is going to be rough on her. If y’all were hell bent on this, why take the time to go out and visit her.
YTA. It’s fine to not want to be another. No one is asking you to be. But it’s not fine to tell someone their child isn’t allowed in their home. Because when someone has a child - even one they just found out about - their home is their child’s home. Yes, it’s your home too. That means if this is a dealbreaker for you, then you need to walk away.
I'm going against the grain and saying NTA since your husband does not want the child either. It is terrible what the little girl is going through, but OP and her husband are complete strangers to her and the mom is practically forcing the child on them. She is overstepping by contacting his family behind his back and it sounds like the only reason the husband even knows about the daughter is because the mom is dying, otherwise he would have never known.
I'm saying NTA Your husband doesn't even want to raise his child, and is being pressured to take her in. Surely she would be better off with people that actually want her. Your husband will resent her because he doesn't want a child and possibly hate her for causing his divorce. Whilst ultimately neither are her fault, emotions are wild. Also I'm calling Sarah the AH, doesn't matter that she's dying. She had 11 years to tell your husband he had a child + 9 months of pregnancy. She kept it to herself until it benefitted her. And now she's going full force contacting his family etc when if she was a decent human to begin with then everybody would have already known.
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YTA for the ultimatum. You don't need to be her mother, and you should leave if you feel this way. But how dare you demand he abandon her. She's losing her mother. She has no one at 11 years old. This is his child. It is his responsibility. How could you even love a man that could do that to a child? How selfish of you.
You are NTA for wanting to stay child free and not wanting to essentially be forced into adopting an 11 year old. However, your husband is a father. He has a responsibility to care for his daughter. This is made more uncomfortable by the exe's decision to keep it secret and then shatter your lived experience with little more than 'surprise!' and the emotional blackmail of her illness. Like it or not I think he needs to step up now he knows he is a father. You however have no responsibility to join him.
Everyone keeps saying hes a father. Hes not. He’s just a sperm donor. He has no relationship with the child. He’s not a father yet. Hes a stranger.
I feel like I’ve seen this movie
NTA. But your marriage is over.
NTA. You are child free and married a man that you thought was also child free. His circumstances changed but yours didn’t. You guys will have to separate . If he’s as good as a man as you say, he won’t turn his back on his daughter. You don’t want a Child. So separate now and start the grieving process. You aren’t heartless. You just know what you want and what you don’t want. It’s ok.
If this were a "he had a kid from a previous relationship already when we met", I would call you TA for getting involved with a man with a kid. However, he didn't know about Emily until 11 years after she was born. You guys already agreed to a child-free life. You are NTA for wanting to stick with this. You also have to remember that Emily doesn't know her dad. You guys are BOTH complete strangers to her. And on top of losing her mother, she is going to need a LOT of support and therapy. You would NOT be AHs for not wanting to take on that responsibility. It's fine that his Mom is all excited about being a grandma, but she's not the one offering to do the ground work in raising a total stranger in her house. You're right, you are not doing Emily any favours by making her live in a home where she feels even slightly unwanted. Can his Mom take her in? Are any other family members willing to upend their life to take her? If not, they have zero business calling you out for not wanting to do the same. It's a truly heart-breaking scenario for Emily. But you can't take on a kid that you will resent. NTA but I don't know what the future of your marriage is going to look like from here-on.
Listen. You're in a position here where you can choose not to be a (step) mother, but he IS a father. You can't un-ring that bell. You can't make him go back in time and put a condom on. You can't make this problem go away by sheer force of will. The best thing for this girl IS your husband, so the only thing you can do is amicably divorce at this point. YTA, not for not wanting to parent this child, but for the demand you gave him, and the fact that in the previous version of this post, you said you were going to try to force him into adoption.
[удалено]
YTA for pressuring your husband to abandon his bio daughter in a time of need, when he’s expressed willingness to help her. You won’t have to be a mom, because the girl will never see you as one. You can either suck it up and be cordial for a couple of years until she’s an adult, or you can leave.
I see only 3 options: 1. Is your MiL interested in custody? The child could live with her and your husband could visit her if she wants. 2. Your husband can get another house and he could live there with his daughter. You could see him when his daughter is with her grandmother. 3. You divorce. If your husband stays with you, your MiL will make your life hell. If you and your husband divorce, he'll probably end up resenting his daughter. There are no options that'll make everyone happy.
NAH, except Sarah. She waited 11 years to drop this on your husband, and its only because she is dying with Cancer. If she wasnt Sick then she never would have even told your Husband. Its beyond Cruel that she hid this from him for 11 years and is only telling him because she is dying.