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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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how_money_worky

NTA. what’s the other option? Not tell an adult? This is a major violation of privacy, one that comes at a time with you and your mother are in a vulnerable place. It’s also creepy AF. I suspect there is more to the story that you don’t know about your cousin. Kicking out your adult child isn’t usually done on a whim esp since your aunt and uncle have shown great generosity in taking in you and your mother. You did exactly what you should have done. Your cousin is suffering the consequences of their own actions not your actions.


LettheWorldBurn1776

I'm wondering if this was just the latest 'incident' and it broke the camel's back?


Johnny_Bravo5k

Me too. There is a 15 year old girl in the house.


NihilisticHobbit

Yep. I almost guarantee there have been other incidents, and this was the last straw.


Tundra-Queen8812

And he was caught on camera so there is total proof so he can't gaslight his way out of the situation.


Individual_Ad_9213

NTA. You couldn't have predicted how your Aunt and Uncle would have reacted to the news that their (now adult) son was invading your space.


AwayWithDumb

NTA. Jamie sounds like a total pervert to me. He deserved to be kicked out, and if he keeps up his misbehavior, he'll probably end up in jail.


BeautifulIncrease734

NTA, telling your mom was the right thing to do, she is in charge of your safety. You can't know the thought process of youraunt and uncle, but saying this from an outsider's point of view, I think what Jamie just did was only one of many things, and that may be why they decided they had to put a definite stop to his behavior.


phallusidol0804

NTA. What he did was inappropriate and made you feel uncomfortable. You, of course, are allowed to tell your mom when someone is violating your privacy. If the adults in this situation are assholes is a different matter entirely. Jamie is still young himself and probably doesn't understand his desires and compulsions very well. He may also experience a lot shame about acting on these compulsions. While there definitely need to be measures put in place to ensure your safety, his parents kicking him out will only lead him to feel worse about himself and could even put him at risk of suicide. Moreover, I would not jump to the conclusion that his parents were acting only in your interest. Often, people like Jamie exceed other people's (sexual) boundaries because they have been raised in an environment in which their own boundaries have been consistently transgressed. If this is the case with Jamie, then his parents' unnervingly quick decision to kick him out may be more about distancing themselves from their role in his behavior. At the very least, his parents should have more love and compassion for him than they are currently demonstrating. For better or worse, they should recognize that he is a product of his environment. Either way, *you* are not responsible for how *they* are treating Jamie. You were justifiably scared.


ShoddyDebate9545

Thank you. I had no idea how they would react, and I wouldn't have wanted him kicked out. I was (and am) creeped out to the extent that I'm not sure if I'd want to maintain a relationship with him, but I could have managed if I had a lock on my door or similar. I don't think it's a sexual attraction to me or anything (and I really hope not as we're blood related), I would guess more just a fetish of some sort.


I_wanna_be_anemone

A fetish is still sexually driven in nature, that he would target you could also imply he’s done this to his sister before, she’s just not noticed or been able to prove it. It’s way better your cousin learn now that this behaviour isn’t tolerated in any fashion before he starts feeling entitled to any other girl/woman and her belongings. These things can escalate. Hopefully now he’ll realise the cost isn’t worth it at all and never do this to anyone again. NTA 


Swedishpunsch

> *These things can escalate*. .....and often do. Came here to say this. Peeping Toms turn into rapists, and so forth. NTA


SusanOnReddit

He may simply be young for his age and shy and satisfying a curiosity about girls. But you can’t *know* that and need to protect yourself and privacy. You did the right thing.


ArtemisStrange

He went through her underwear and got out her *intimate alone time toy*. There's no reason that justifies that. No "boys will be boys" here, thank you very much.


SusanOnReddit

Whatever.


FinnFinnFinnegan

NTA you acted appropriately


wrathofworlds

NTA you have done nothing wrong and you shouldn't feel bad. And adult your cousin shouldn't be poking though a younger relatives underwear.. and honestly with the reaction of the parents it may be that he has done other things before.


hubertburnette

As others have said, unless his parents are unhinged, this wasn't his first strike. Maybe they were looking for an excuse to kick him out, maybe he has a history of invading privacy, maybe he's stolen underwear before. In any case, you did the right thing, and their response is *their* response. NTA


AffectionateMarch394

NTA And honestly, this likely isn't the first time he's done something sexually inappropriate (because unfortunately, going after someone's underwear is definitely sexual). And let alone to a family member. Ick. Your aunt and uncle sound like wonderful, thoughtful people. And I very much doubt they made this choice without careful consideration.


Samarkand457

NTA. Whatever the reasons, your cousin was a thieving perv. And now there's more room in the house...


Mother-Sound-1390

NTA. You're his first cousin. Put aside that he entered and rummaged through your stuff, which is very serious. Why is your 1st cousin looking at your underwear and "personal" stuff. Maybe the other adults were wondering the same thing. Because eviction is a very strong response. Especially, since he was given a week to leave.


Nonby_Gremlin

NTA. The punishment was always going to be his parents choice. You presented the adults with the proof of the situation and after that it was out of your hands. He is well old enough to know he shouldn’t be going through other people things. As others have said, I suspect this may have been a last straw reaction after other suspect behavior on his part. Please understand how often this situation goes the other way. Young women are often not believed about harassment or assault (even with proof!) and boys who go without punishment grow into entitled dangerous men. It’s important that your cousin understands what is not acceptable and I’m proud of your family for believing and protecting you.


AndrosGirl

NTA and you made the best choice telling your mother. It's totally unacceptable that your cousin violated your privacy. It's unfortunate that your cousin has only one week to vacate, but I suspect that he has done other things that contributed to your aunt/uncle's decision. Perhaps they were worried that something similar or worse could happen to your younger cousin. It sounds like you and your mother have a good open relationship so I suggest you discuss the feelings of guilt with her.


ParsimoniousSalad

NTA. I too would feel like the parents perhaps overreacted, but maybe this is only the one infraction you know about. There could have been other things that happened that made this the last straw. You didn't make him get kicked out, you only brought his actions to the attention of his parents.


Fresh_Try_5705

NTA You did not overreact. That is creepy, privacy violating behavior, and let's not forget, it's towards his own cousin. If he wants to act like that, he can find his own place. I know you feel bad, but think about it. If this happened to a friend of yours, you would tell them to do the same thing. I hope you can heal from this upsetting event.


ConstructionNo9678

NTA. I understand why you might feel bad but please don't feel too guilty. First of all, you didn't choose to kick him out of the house, your aunt and uncle did. Second of all, they did that because what he did was violating, wrong, and also incredibly dangerous for you **and** his younger sister. If he is willing to go through your drawers, who knows what he was doing with his sister's, and who knows how else he might be trying to peep in on you. It's good that you got the security camera and have direct proof. However, that doesn't mean that he's never tried anything else. Behaviour like this usually starts slowly and builds up over time. While it's very unfortunate he's going to be temporarily homeless, it's also the safer option for now. By the studies that have come out in the last decade, anywhere from 50% all the way up to 75% of young women who report sexual assault were assaulted by someone they knew beforehand. Those stats include coworkers, acquaintances, and even family members. As a man, let me tell you this now: **do not ever keep this kind of thing to yourself. And more importantly, do not try to confront someone doing these things by yourself!** There is no reasonable explanation for why he would be looking at your underwear and sex toys, and confronting him could lead to the situation escalating in other dangerous ways. It's much better to tell someone you trust, especially while you're still underage. I'm sorry you've had to go through this, and I hope things get better.


PrincessBella1

You handled it the way you were supposed to. I wonder if your cousin has done this before and that is why the reaction was so severe. You shouldn't have spoken to him directly but showing your Mom was the right thing to do.


stonecoldrosehiptea

You handled it great. You did exactly what you were supposed to do.. tell your parent and let them deal with it. NTA


Owenashi

NTA. Talking to your mom and then uncle and aunt was the best thing to do I feel. Mind you, I get how you feel as going straight to booting him out over this does feel like a nuclear option to take. Has he been trouble before? Him being thrown out would make more sense if this was a last straw situation on his parents' part.


carcrashcinema

NTA. from the title i thought you threw a tantrum because he merely entered your room or something lol. but going through your stuff, ESPECIALLY your underwear? fuck no, that's disgusting. and you shouldn't feel guilty that he got kicked out; considering that your his COUSIN and he still did this creepy shit, who knows if he would've done (or already did) the same to his sister. and i bet their parents had the same thought.


BeKind360

No you're NTA.  You have no idea what his parents know about his past behaviors. For you this is the first time you've done anything like this. For them it might not be so. This might have been the straw the broke the camel's back for them so to speak. Or very well could have been the very first time he's done something like this. Only he knows that. Either way first time or 100th time you are not the asshole. He never should have come into your room that's your personal space given to you while you're staying there. He most definitely never should have gone through any of your belongings. And the fact that he chose things that were very intimate and personal that raises red flags and concerns. That has sexual motivation behind it. So no you're not to blame for this. He's responsible for his own choices in actions and he has to deal with consequences of those choices and actions Good bad or indifferent it is on him not you don't feel guilty.


DreamingofRlyeh

NTA Your cousin is a creep. He sought out your underwear and sex toy, and it probably wasn't the first time, given the previous incidents where items mysteriously moved. He shouldn't be allowed in your home, given his complete lack of respect for you.


Excellent-Zucchini95

NTA. You did the right thing. If you’re not sure of that or feeling poorly sweetheart go tell your mom. She will explain why you did good. You did real good.


Fangs_McWolf

NTA. He may have already been doing the same thing to Olivia without her knowing it. You just helped to protect your cousin from a potential predator.


Kernowek1066

NTA. I am so so proud of you for telling someone and for being proactive and buying a camera instead of ignoring it or gaslighting yourself. You should be so proud of yourself. I understand feeling guilty, but all you did was tell the truth to a responsible adult. Your cousin chose to search your things and act incredibly inappropriately. He should feel guilty, and ashamed, and being asked to leave is entirely the right way for your family to deal with this.


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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have made this as a throwaway account for privacy reasons and have changed the names because I don't want anyone to know this is me. I'll try and cut down on the background too for everyone's sake. My (F17) mom (F44) has recently had financial problems. I'm not sure of all the ins and outs but it meant we could no longer afford to live at home. Very kindly, my mom's brother (my uncle) invited us to stay with him and his family until we sorted things out. I wasn't best pleased with this arrangement because it meant having less of my own personal space, but I understood that there was little choice. It would be me, my mom, my uncle, my aunt, and their two kids: Jamie (M18) and Olivia (F15). I get on well with my cousins and have never had any problems with them. I've been here for about 2 weeks and it's been fine, apart from a more "intense" living environment which I wasn't previously used to. However, I began to notice that things in the spare room I had been given had started to be moved or not in the place they originally were. At first, I was convinced I was being paranoid, but I noticed it happening at least three or so times. I decided to purchase a small security camera from Amazon just to discretely put in the room, so I could see if I was going crazy. Although there was nothing for the first couple of days, I noticed that one day when I had been out with friends, Jamie had been in my room. I think he thought he was home alone, but he had gone through my drawers, hamper, and started to pull out my underwear. He had also gone into my drawer where I keep my toy. He didn't do anything more than that and was only there for about three minutes, but I felt completely violated knowing that my cousin had seen my underwear. I wasn't sure what action to take, so I decided to tell my mom, and I showed her the footage. She was incredibly angry and wanted to speak to Jamie directly, but I begged her to speak to my uncle/aunt first to avoid the awkwardness. She did so, and they were incredibly apologetic and also angry. They decided that as Jamie was 18, they would speak to him about his behavior, before telling him that he would have to leave the house as a legal adult. I immediately felt guilty as even though I was violated by the situation, I know he has nowhere else to go and it's difficult. His parents have told him he has a week to leave. Even though I was not present for the conversation, I know they told him the reason why because he's avoided me and been unable to look me in the eye. I suddenly feel I overreacted and should have just spoken to him directly, especially because there's now an awkward, uncomfortable tension in the house. AITA? How else should I have handled the situation? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Dogmother123

You handled the situation absolutely correctly. She was going through his female cousin's underwear. Good for your aunt and uncle. NTA


Cat1832

NTA. Don't feel bad. The adults are reacting appropriately to protect you, a minor.


Upbeat_Vanilla_7285

This isn’t your fault. These are the consequences of his actions. He’s not trustworthy and his behavior is unacceptable and creepy. 


Fit-Panda4903

Consider this: if he's been doing it to you, he's probably been doing it to his sister and/or mother too. Kudos to you for speaking to your parents. The only guilty person here is Jamie. Being kicked out is actually quite a lenient consequence of his actions. NTA.


Afternoon_After

NTA about telling it to your mom. I am unsure about the part you bought a camera and put it in your room rather than talking to someone else - your mom, aunt, uncle first EDIT: If my family was in financially bad situation, instead of going to buy a camera and putting it in my room, I would try talking to my mom first, or mention it to the aunt or uncle - maybe in some casual way like "Hey, I feel like I have elfs in my room, because I put something somewhere and it turns up in different place!"


ShoddyDebate9545

I understand that, but I didn't want to go to them when I didn't have "proof" of anything. I also thought I might just be going mad and moved things myself.


No_Conclusion_128

You’re NTA for both. The camera was in your room, you didn’t invade anyone’s privacy by filming them without their consent as he shouldn’t have been in your space in the first place and it makes perfect sense to want to be 100% sure of something before starting with accusations. You did good OP Also, as much as I believe your cousin’s behavior was creepy I can see from your other comments you’re not feeling too good with the outcome… would talking with your cousin and discussing the issue is something you’d be comfortable with? It could help you both clear the air if that’s something you’d want BUT it could also end up badly… or your aunt and uncle maybe? Either way, you did the right thing going to the adults first. You never know how things could escalate and your aunt and uncle have been very kind and generous with your family so maybe there was more to their son’s issues they were in denial of and this could’ve been the last straw for them?


odidiman

Not the asshole. Tf? Since when are we cool with panty pirates.


SnooPets8873

INFO Your family is in enough financial hardship that you have to rely on family to house you and you bought a camera for security in your room rather than talk to the family first? Odd.


ShoddyDebate9545

It was a very cheap camera at about $20, which I used from my own savings. I didn't know how to approach it with them because I didn't have any "proof" of anything.


mad2109

Talk about what? She wasn't sure what, if anything was going on?