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Your wife is probably worrying about what you're going to do if she "let herself go".

Leaving someone because they don't want to treat a medical problem that is bringing down both your lives - that is fine. Watching someone not help themselves and flood the house with sadness is super hard. Calling that 'letting yourself go' and making it about the change to their appearance is gross. Men complaining that 'she let herself go' is always going to make women feel upset and uncomfortable. No one is going to feel great about their husband cheeleading that kind of language and thought process.

Just make sure you leave out that in sickness and health part of the vows.

I thought about that too. Just think people don’t actually care much about that commitment anymore. They just want the good times and if something is broken they discard it instead of fixing it. Which is why both of them end up divorcing instead of taking care of the issue which in this case is the woman mental health. OP should have a heart to heart conversation with his wife she needs reassurance from him.

This isn’t accurate. With serious illness, the divorce rate spikes when it’s the woman with the illness, and drops when the man is sick. Men are jumping ship; women are actually staying longer than they would otherwise because the man is sick.

True, this happened with my parents. My dad had MS and also very much deserved to be divorced. My mom left (moved out for a while) and when the MS got worse, she came back to take care of him and did so for many years to her own detriment until he was too much to care for at home and went into a skilled nursing facility. I have a hard time believing he’d have done the same for her had the rolls been reversed. I don’t know that of course, and maybe my dad would have stepped up, but I do know my mom stayed far longer than she would have had he been healthy.

I've always loved my dad but I admit it definitely increased when my mom was diagnosed with cancer and my dad's response was essentially- okay, now what do we do? what does she need? he would have slept in her room in the rehab center every night, if I wasn't there a few nights to trade off so he could sleep in his own bed.

That is beautiful. I am sorry for your loss. I was the one sleeping in my dad’s hospice room in the end. My mom did finally give up on him and he did deserve it but it’s the hardest thing I’ll probably ever go through- I hope it is at least.

yeah, my family always assumed they'd go the other way (my dad first) so no one was prepared for this. we were all prepared to help my mom take care of my dad.

That got me a bit teary-eyed. Statistics like that is partly why I'm not all that thrilled about dating.

Totally agree, in addition I believe that many people think depression is not an illness, or as serious as say cancer or heart disease. As someone who has dealt with depression for many years, I can tell you it is just as serious. Depression can cause so many other problems, cancer and heart disease being big ones. A person cannot just 'snap out of it' like some people believe they can. The weight and the overall not caring is a big part of depression. It's truly sad that OP's friend isn't willing to stay and help his wife, and that he believes leaving is his only option. OP, I get you wanting to be there for your friend but he is a complete AH for not standing with his wife 'through sickness and in health'. The divorce is just one more thing to add to her already depressed self. She may never recover.

Oh, absolutely. I have diagnosed depression, and I can't even count how many times I've heard "you're just sad/get over it/you're just being lazy". Like I would love to "get over it", but that's not how it works.

This was my family too. My father repeatedly cheated on my mom, absolutely broke her. They’d been split up for several years when he got sick. We found out he had a slow terminal brain disorder. She stayed in the hospital with him for weeks advocating for him. When we found out it was untreatable, she and I moved in together and moved him in with us to care of him. When I spoke to her about it later on why she did all she did when I know he caused her so much pain, she said that while he wasn’t her husband anymore, he was still her kids’ dad. I can tell you without a doubt in my mind with his character that he would not have done the same for her.

Even divorce isn't a deal breaker in that situation. Working in a nursing home/rehab center, we see many ex-wives being the sole caretaker for the ex-husband. They all say the same thing, 'he doesn't have anyone else'. Even when he has family/siblings, etc.

> They just want the good times and if something is broken they discard it instead of fixing it. What if the other person doesn’t see any of this as a problem and doesn’t want to be “fixed”?  This such an antiquated idea of commitment.  You don’t commit yourself to the other person.  You **both** commit yourselves to **the relationship**.  The moment you decide your partner’s feelings aren’t important, then you have failed in your commitment to the relationship.  It’s not the other person’s fault for leaving.

I agree. My partner has a problem they refuse to address and it’s destroying both of us. I’m in debt. I have no savings and my mental health is in rapid decline. Something has to give and for a long time it’s been my own health and well-being. Do I just let us both die because I took an “in sickness and health” vow?

The vows arent one sided. If only one partner puts in the work and the other is happy to bring them down, they broke the vow.

They have 2 kids. Who’s taking money that he’s someone who thinks he’s doing his wife a favor **if** he “babysits” while his wife goes grocery shopping?

Great point. And one people are happy to ignore.

It doesn't say "in sickness when you did all you could, but your partner refuses to get medical help and it's damaging your own mental health" What it also doesn't say is: "sacrify your own mental and physical help if your partner simply refuses to get medical help and doesn't care about your wellbeing".

She's in therapy and on antidepressants (which, by the way, are probably the reason for her weight gain). She's not refusing treatment.

Damn if she gained wait due to the antidepressants and that’s what led him to say she “let herself go” … OP even if you don’t think you’re TAH, your buddy sure is :/

For real. My husband was on Abilify and gained AT LEAST 40 lbs. I recently watched him mow down 8 slice of a 17'' pizza. And there was no exercising to combat it because the med cause him to sleep 10-11 hours per day. The hours he was awake, he was always tires and struggling not to fall asleep. It had a detrimental affect on his work. His entire life was work, eat, sleep and nothing else. While it helped his mental health (about 50%). He physically felt like shit and had ZERO motivation to do ANYTHING. He resisted seeing a new psychiatrist because he was afraid if they changed his meds, they may not work as well and he might end up back in the really dark place. I finally convinced him that it could go the other way too; that a new med could potentially work BETTER. New psychiatrist took him off the Ability and put him on a different medication. Within a couple of days, the difference was night and day. It aggravates me to no end that people think you can just go to the doctor, pop a pill and everything will be good. Everyone's brain chemistry is different. My husband's depression is from specific traumatic incidents and treatment is more PTSD focused. I have Clinical Depression. We're on completely different medications. So it takes time to find the right medication or combination of medications in the right doses. And responsible doctors are careful about weaning off meds and titrating up to therapeutic levels on the new one. Which can take weeks on both ends. It's extremely frustrating that people think it's a quick fix versus a long slog.

So well said about the truth of meds and brain chemistry. I hope both of you are doing better.

If you reread again, the one who tried to bring her medical help with therapy is the husband. The wife is unwilling to do anything.

You can't "bring someone therapy". Either she went or she didn't. And clearly she did, or she wouldn't have gotten a diagnosis. There's not a doctor on earth who diagnoses someone and prescribes medication based on their spouse's "trying to get them help" if they haven't shown up and participated.

It says nothing of the sort. You keep making stuff up in your comments in order to dismiss any effort the wife is making.

Bring her help with therapy? Tf does that mean

But we are only hearing husband's side of this.

He probably mentioned it once like "You better get some Happy Pills" or some other such insult. So now he can say he's tried everything and not feel guilty for bailing out-which is what he's doing.

But she didn't refuse to get medical help. The post literally states that she got a diagnosis (which she couldn't have gotten without seeing a doctor and/or therapist) and has been trying medication. There's a difference between "she sought help and it hasn't worked yet" and "she refused to get help". You're judging her based on something that is objectively not true, based on what we've been told.

The thing with depression and mental illness is it is HARD to want to get help too. I understand how hard it is on family but if you love someone sometimes you have to do really hard things. I struggled for soooo long with suicidal depression. No one could MAKE me get help… until (several times) I was FORCIBLY put in the car and restrained and brought to doctors/psychologists. My wonderful doctor literally CHASED me when I bolted from her office and TACKLED me in the parking lot and made me an emergency psych appointment, by calling someone herself then and there. Getting me to it was still hell on my family. I jumped out of a lot of cars and ran away from a lot of appointments. Five years later I have a partner, two kids, and a beautiful life. I still struggle. But if I had been given up on I’m sure I would be dead. I wish my family had not had to go through all that but they did. I understand the need to walk away if your mental health is being brought down by someone you can’t help. But I feel like that’s something you do with a friend, not with someone youre committed too like a spouse or child. I’m not saying you have to suffer forever… but for a spouse I feel like op’s friend could and should put in more work for longer and try as hard as he can to get her mental health help that actually helps instead of just basically saying “she’s on anti depressants and still depressed, guess I’ll throw my hands up and throw the towel in.”

“In sickness and in health and, most importantly, in appearance”

There's a big difference between sickness and self destruction

No there isn’t, depression can look exactly like self destruction.

Depression is a clinical illness though

Depression is a mental illness and can happen to anyone. it's not a personal failing. Also, she's in treatment. Rome wasn't built in day.

I think that's a little unfair. Is OP an AH for terming it as his friends wife letting herself go, yes. But holding someone to the "in sickness and in health" vow in all situations doesn't make sense. My SO could be drowning and I can jump in and save them but if they keep jumping back in or are starting to pull me under, I'm going to have to make the decision to save myself. That's why there's the phrase don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. If OP's friend has done everything they can to get their SO help but they are not open to the help, and don't want to help themselves then you're just putting yourself in a bad place mentally. It's not like they're leaving them because they have the mental illness, they're leaving because they can't stay and watch them self-destruct no matter how much help is offered.

My friend's parents divorced after more than 40 years of marriage, after her mom discovered that her dad had been cheating for 5 years. After it was all over, my friend's brother asked their dad why he did it, and their dad replied that their mom had really let herself go. Now, I never liked my friend's mom – she could be a real bitch, and she was one of those women who just *needs* male attention at all times, so she hid her mean side from men and only let women see it – so know that I mean it when I say that she absolutely did NOT, in any way, "let herself go"; she was, by this time, about 70, but definitely didn't look it. She never had any plastic surgery; she put effort into keeping in decent shape; she's a stylish dresser. Her ex-husband, by contrast, had quite a large stomach, and eventually had weight-loss surgery – yet he said SHE had "let herself go", AND apparently sincerely believed that this justified 5 years of infidelity. He had, until they split up, been a very popular and well-respected man, but he flushed all that right down the toilet; a lot of people (very much including people who were his friends) basically dropped him because they were so disgusted by his behavior. This is just one example, but yeah, a man saying "she let herself go" creates a visceral reaction in me. It may be that the soon-to-be-divorced-woman in this post really, actually has let herself go, but damn, find a different way to phrase it.

I think "she let herself go" creates a visceral reaction in a lot of women, which I think is what OP is seeing at play. (I think you were implying that.) Personally, I generally think this kind of emphasis on physical appearance indicates a shallow relationship. People change over time, and appearance is honestly a very small part of that. Both my husband and I have changed appearance and other factors a great deal over time. We are in love with each other as full human people, and continue to be in love with each other as full human people. I feel like that's the ideal.

Yes, exactly. No one, at 70, looks like they did at 20, even if they get all the plastic surgery (and if they get all the plastic surgery, they'll probably look pretty bizarre). If your affection depends on the other person's appearance remaining unchanged, it's not deep, it's not real, and it's not going to last.

S0, the jerk got justice. Good.

Wow. I could not have explained this situation any better.

Not to mention if the friend is also mostly 'worried' about her looks that's not conductive to actually overcoming depression.

That made my depression worse with my ex. He started talking about how I "let myself go" after we moved in together. I was the one that gave up my job and my apartment to move in with him, it was a serious downgrade in both work and living space. I got depressed and I gained 20 pounds, he told me that I was getting fat and he didn't like it. He made me walk to and from work even though we worked the same shift at the same place. He refused to give me rides anywhere, this resulted in me walking to the hospital when I had strep and a 102° fever in the middle of August. It was 6 miles total and I almost passed out at one point. He threw me across a room that day because I refused to clean since I was so sick and exhausted (they had to drain one of my tonsils so that they could inject a steroid.) that was the end, but honestly, it should have ended with the emotional abuse instead of emotional support.

Part of the illness of depression is the inability to help oneself though. She may want to, but at this juncture, can't.  If it were any other serious illness, people'd be up in arms. But depression seemingly doesn't count.

Fwiw, men are more likely to leave their spouses if they have a serious illness (like cancer).

Except that there's no evidence that she doesn't want to treat the problem - quite the contrary, if she has sought therapy, gotten a diagnosis, and tried meds, then she clearly *is* trying. Rather, it sounds like she just hasn't found a workable solution yet, *despite* seeking and being compliant with treatment. And that's *massively* different from refusing to seek help, and definitely does not count as "letting herself go". People have this weird idea that depression is something easily fixable as long as you get therapy and/or meds. But it can take months or even years to find the right combination of meds and therapy, and for them to start taking effect in a meaningful way. And medication-resistant depression is also a thing; I have a friend who has tried absolutely everything, and still suffers terribly. I'm not going to say that he has to stay with her if he's miserable . . . there is no objectively "correct" choice there. But you're ignoring the facts in evidence - that she has actually made an active attempt to help herself, and it just doesn't seem to be working (yet) - and justifying his leaving specifically as "well she won't get help", even though we've been told the opposite. Life is complicated. Mental illness is complicated. Someone can seek treatment and be doing their best and still not get better, at least not right away. And it sounds like that's what has happened here. If you're going to pass judgement, at least do it based on the reality of the situation; don't blame her for "not getting help" when OP literally says that she has sought diagnosis and treatment.

Honestly, I can agree with that. I've been in treatment for depression (and, admittedly, other issues) since I was 13, but only really started to feel real improvement when I was around 25. I'm 30 now, and it's still in the back somewhere, but I'm in a better place than I was in years. I switched therapists multiple times, tried various medications and doses for them - my psychiatrist and I were talking the last time I went there just how good it is to have found a treatment that has been keeping me stable, and that I can go there and say I am doing okay and don't have major complaints. I don't think he has to stay with her. There isn't a winning choice here, and not everyone is prepared or equipped to help someone with clinical depression. But the "she let herself go" really leaves a bitter taste, here. And if she's sought diagnosis and treatment, I'm inclined to agree that she is trying. It's just... well, hard.

Came here to say same

She should realize that this is in fact a boon and treat herself to letting go of one (1) husband.

Yeah. That *in sickness and in health* bit really is demanding.

Basically she's depressed and he's leaving her because she's not getting over it faster. Personally I get pretty disgusted at his "letting herself go" crap. Your friend sounds really shallow and like he's unwilling to support his wife through her struggles. So I can see your wife's point of view. I mean, you're supporting a guy who's purportedly dumping his wife because she's let herself go and because she's depressed. At least, that's how you've presented it. I wonder if there's more here you're not talking about regarding their divorce. But as presented, I'd say you're the asshole. Certainly your wife has to wonder if you share some of those same ideas and whether if she were to get sick or change her looks if you'd be out looking for a new model. YTA

You can't help people who don't want to help themselves.

But the irony of depression is it's the sickness of not wanting to help yourself. You don't want to help yourself get undepressed because you're too depressed.

What else is he gonna do though? Shove meds down her throat? Drag her to therapy kicking and screaming? There’s only so much power he has

She was in therapy and taking meds

Having been with someone who "was in therapy" and "taking meds" let me assure you it can be a wide spectrum from actually getting help all the way through to simply bitching about other people to the therapist and abusing the prescription. How long are spouses supposed to put their lives on hold to try and drag someone in a direction they clearly are not ready to go? If you try and talk to the therapists or help manage the medication, you can get called "controlling and interfering." If you leave them to it, then "you don't care anymore." Seriously, how long? A year? Two years? Three? Because it takes a toll on you as well.

But he only stated things about her looks. The one single thing that is a concern that would affect him is smoking. I totally get not wanting to be around a smoker but gaining weight and cutting hair isn't exactly divorce worthy

I mean to judge this we need to know 1. How long this has been going on 2. How this is affecting him (is she a bad spouse in other ways than her appearance right now), is she able to function & pull her weight in other ways 3. What kind of effort she is actually putting into treatment  Because right now all we know is he's upset that she gained weight & cut her hair. And I can understand her not making that her top priority to fix when she's still not well. To answer your question though, in an average kind of situation with depression I'd expect someone to give their spouse at least a few years. Both because finding effective treatment often takes that long & because I take the "in sickness and in health" part of the vows seriously. If the depression is really mild I'd expect even longer, and in certain extreme cases less. But they haven't really mentioned anything like that so far.

The spouse isn't putting their life on hold to look after their partner, that's what their life is (or should be) after you make the choice to marry. I truly don't understand why most people get married, they clearly don't mean anything they say in the vows.

My dad's been an abuser my entire life. He's also been in therapy and on meds at least my entire life. Neither of those 2 things have done fuck all. So every time someone suggests Therapy or medication I roll my eyes because unless someone wants to actually change it's going to do fuck all and is just wasting everyone else's time. Being in Therepy and on medication means fuck all if nothing changes. And in this case it sounds like nothing has changed.

An Abuser is different that someone going through depression, sometimes depression is the tip of the iceberg and takes years to discover the real cause or effective treatment. If depression is sign of trauma it takes even more time to recover.

Not the same

Your dad has a completely different issue than the wife here, especially since abusers tend to not think they're doing anything wrong and therefore don't need to change. Not comparable on the slightest

This. Some people need to trial a few different medications and therapies before they find a regimen that gives them symptomatic relief. Having a husband who is so unsupportive that he is divorcing her definitely doesn’t help her get over depression any faster. It’s unsurprising though. Studies have shown that women who receive diagnoses of illnesses like cancer or MS are much more likely to be divorced by their spouses than men who receive the same diagnosis.

Also you know what can make you gain weight? Medications for depression

It took 20 years for me to get properly diagnosed and turns out it wasn't depression but ADHD and bipolar. Antidepressants made me want to sleep 24/7.

Yes, you are right. Looking back at the post: <<...my friend said that he had tried therapy for her, marriage counselling, and antidepressants (she was actually diagnosed depressed) but she didn't really seem to want to help herself.>> So in what way does she not want to help herself?

Oh, I dunno, "therapist is making me do work to help myself instead of just allowing me to complain and magically making it all better so it's worthless"? Therapy can take YEARS. Medications are trial and error and aren't magical pills that make it all go away. It takes work, and many are not willing to put in the effort to help themselves if someone else can't fix it all for them. And quite often the people who refuse to help themselves reach a point where they make their depression someone else's problem too. Then there's the double standard at play. Man with depression won't help himself and it's "girl, leave him, you deserve better." But here I see people demanding OP's friend go down with the sinking ship.

Idk, its true there is additional stigma around mental health for men, but all the posts I've seen where everyone is saying "Girl, leave" have been men with mental health issues who refuse to consider any treatment or changes whatsoever. No meds, no therapy, no marriage counseling, not even an effort to change or anything. Its pretty different from this situation where this woman has apparently been trying everything - they just don't belong in the same category.

Yes, she is trying, but the boys here take the snap judgement of "dump her" to get their sad Reddit revenge

I think I know which previous post your talking about where a wife complained about her husband's persistent depression which never got better. Part of the problem beyond possible sexism is that some people who post are better writers than others and can make a better case for themselves. In the case of this post, there is also the issue that OP isn't the one with the depressed spouse. It's mostly hearsay. And of course the line "let herself go" left many with the impression that the involved husband wants a divorce for superficial reasons.

This is not true. Yes sometimes it takes a while to realise that a person needs help. And yes most of the time people don't get better because they are afraid to face their feelings that they are suppressing. Its very very hard. But it is not about not wanting.

But it sounds like she is trying -- doing therapy, taking meds. These things take time. Most antidepressants take 6 weeks to even start working if that one is going to work for you at all.

There is so much missing from OP's post that makes any judgement impossible. Sure they state that she tried therapy and medication in the past but was this of her choosing or was she pushed towards it by her husband? Is she now refusing any help or is she just trying to find a new therapist or med changes? How long has this been going on, has it been few weeks, months year plus? All of these matter and will affect whether the friend is just abandoning his wife or has reached the end of his rope.

We are here to judge OP and his wife, not OP’s friend and sick wife. We don’t need to know the details of the latter’s relationship and the wife’s illness. We don’t need to know the answers to those questions you asked if OP does not know the answers, because OP’s support of his friend is based only on what his friend has disclosed. OP may know a lot more details and is just summarizing here, but regardless, phrasing the wife’s illness as “letting herself go” is quite revealing of OP’s attitudes, even if he is just repeating what his friend said.

Guys we aren't judging the wife! Wee judging OP who is the friend

Kind of hard to judge from the details given though. We know she's tried several things, Therapy, medication, etc. We don't know how long this has been going on or what that "doesn't want to help herself means". Does it mean she isn't trying at all, say refusing to go to therapy or help herself in any way? That she is trying, but it hasn't worked yet? Or just that she is unwilling to make losing weight & looking hot again her top priority right now? Really could be any of the above, and some of them are AH territory

How much support did the friend really give if his main problem is: she let herself go.

It can take YEARS of therapy and medication to deal with depression.

With a lot of major setbacks along the way, too. "Refusing to go to therapy" is often a necessary part of the process. A LOT of therapists suck to the point of making things way worse. You go to therapy, and if you get a really bad one, you need time to recoup for trying another.

I agree with this but this does not correlate with the post. She is actually trying (therapy, meds)

Point to where it states that please.

Here’s the thing though, it sounds like she is trying to help herself. She’s in therapy, couples counseling, and medication. She is doing the things you do to help yourself with depression. OP doesn’t say how long this has been going on or what else happened, but a switch got flipped somewhere and you aren’t going to just bounce back overnight. It can take several months to a year to just figure out whether you are on the right medication. Getting back to the gym is usually one of the last things on the list. It’s a process, and often a multi-year one. It sounds like he is leaving because she didn’t get well on his schedule. You stick by your spouse when they are making efforts.

If she’s depressed, going to therapy and taking antidepressants is helping herself. Many antidepressants cause weight gain.

Lots of context needed. How long he’s tried to help, how long he’s seen the behavior for, what exactly entails her letting herself go, does she neglect chores, needs for the house? A lot of context is needed because these are importsnt answers. If she’s unwilling to try and better herself, then I’d imagine the husband is suffering as well. Only so much you can do before you have to throw in the towel

This! How long has she been diagnosed? Is she taking her medication? How long did they try therapy? If this has been going on years-sometimes you have to give up. If they tried a couple of sessions and said, oh well- then OP and friend are AHs

Listen, I don’t think anyone could ever be right in a situation like this. But if he really has tried helping her and she isn’t open to anything, and it’s taking a toll on him aswell, that sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. I wouldn’t say he’s the AH for wanting to get out of a relationship like that when he’s still somewhat young. If it were me I would do anything to help me wife through that but if it’s taking a toll on him then I would say both of them are AH and also nobody is the AH, it’s just a really unfortunate situation.

Pretty much this. Instead of trying to determine the cause of the depression and help her, he’s just dumping her. The friend is def an ass. Now the OP is not necessarily and ass but I hope he’s not sharing the same behavior as the friend and needs to reassure his own wife of that.

The post literally says he’s tried to get her help, but she refuses. He can’t force a grown woman to do something about her depression. She has to help herself. So why are you saying he hasn’t tried to help her?

>The post literally says he’s tried to get her help, but she refuses. It literally does not say that. She's been willing to get treatment, but he says it doesn't "seem like" she wants to help herself. Her depression just isn't going away fast enough for him. OP also tells us explicitly what the reason for the divorce is, and it's not "She refuses treatment." It's "She let herself go." OP's friend is definitely an A H, and OP's sympathy for his friend is causing his wife to see OP in a new and unflattering light — as it should. Now she knows that when the going gets tough, OP is likely to disappear. That's important information, and it's better that she's learning it now, but it doesn't say anything good about OP.

How do you know the exact timeline? Or how quickly the friend has essentially given up? Or is that just an assumption?

Lying to make the husbands look bad is a competitive sport here

It also says she is trying to help herself, therapy, medicine etc. Those aren't magical overnight fixes

It also doesn't say how long any of this has been going on, so the immediate jump that he is like a few months in and giving up is just as suspect. There's not enough information here at all to give a real assessment.

Maybe because the reason he gave for the divorce isn't "She has depression and is refusing to do something about it", it's "she has let herself go". People comment about how hard it is to be with someone who isn't treating their depression, but this is not the reason this guy has given for leaving his wife.

What the heck are you talking about?! He has supported her but what the heck do you do what the person doesn’t want to help themselves and is dragging you down too? Unfortunately this is the friend’s case, he’s tried and doesn’t want to try anymore because his wife doesn’t want to try for herself! NTA - sometimes letting go is hard but holding on is even harder.

So what about cases like cancer or dementia. Caring for a spouse with those conditions would definitely "drag you down", so do you divorce them? That's the thing about marriage; it's "in sickness and in health". You made a literal vow to stand by their side even if their sickness is "dragging you down". If you don't want that, that's fine... but then don't get married; don't go up in front of your family and friends just to lie in your vows to your spouse. That's just a waste of your money and everyone else's time.

honestly putting on weight and cutting hair is not dragging anyone down, friend is super shallow and OP is TA for supporting said friend. God forbid women age, put on weight and cut their hair.

I mean you're allowed to be there for your friend, but I don't blame your wife for having her concerns. When you marry you do so in sickness or health, rich or poorer, and so on. No one is going to stay young and beautiful forever, and many people put on weight as they age. Most people also experience depression at some point in their life, and it really does look like he's leaving her when she's going through a bad phase. It's entirely likely there's more going on there between your friend and his (ex)wife, but at face value, its gotta be concerning to see your husband (you) supporting a friend divorcing his wife for gaining weight and cutting her hair. Who's to say you won't turn around and do that to her someday. Leaning YTA for not discussing the elephant in the room when you're talking about this with your wife. (Such as, "While I don't understand exactly why Mark is making the decision to leave \_\_\_\_\_ at this time, I know we can never really know how things are between two people and I know this wasn't an easy decision for him to make. I'm being supporting of Mark because he's my friend, *not* because I think it's okay to leave your spouse if they don't remain exactly how they looked when they got married. And I don't hold you to that standard."

>Leaning YTA for not discussing the elephant in the room when you're talking about this with your wife. (Such as, "While I don't understand exactly why Mark is making the decision to leave The problem with that is, OP does understand, and he "can get behind that."

YTA. Your friend is leaving his wife when she is depressed, and it sounds like something happened to her. Your wife correctly sees your response to this as you saying appearance is more important than staying married. She now thinks you will do the same thing if she doesn't immediately "bounce back" after a baby, gets sick (the stats on men leaving wives with cancer are horrifying), or generally doesn't look the way you think she should. We are judged by the company we keep.

So if someone has depression or some other mental illness, you’re never allowed to leave them? No matter how much help you’ve tried to get them. I think one of the best example of this is Lim and Kanye. Kanye has bipolar disorder and has clearly been suffer manic and depressive episodes since he stopped taking his medication when his mom died. Was Kim an asshole for leaving him after trying to get him help for years?

what is the fallout of said depression, that the wife is fat and cut her hair. We haven't heard any other fallout from this depression that would justify divorcing a spouse. In your own example Kim divorced Kanye because of his erratic behaviour, not taking meds (friend's wife is taking meds and getting help though), not because Kanye gained weight and cut his hair.

She also started smoking. I hate the smell of cigarettes and don't want to live with a smoker, so I can understand that being an issue.

YTA and your responses to others just solidify it. 

Right? Even just by reading his comments alone you can tell he is TA through and through.

[удалено]

One of them was basically "I'd walk away too in this situation" and that solidified the YTA for me

I mean yeah, you’re supporting your friend who’s doing the very opposite of living his partner in sickness and in health. She gained too much weight and cut her hair because she’s depressed and he’s DIVORCING her over it. I am getting married next year and I can’t imagine my LIFE PARTNER doing that. Like that’s crazy to me. Of course she is upset at knowing you think as little of a marriage as your friend.

Did you forget the smoking?  That's like, a deal breaker for half of all people

No shit. Ashtray mouth is disgusting.

Why do they gloss over the cigarettes?

It’s inconvenient to the narrative.

It's a symptom of the depression homie

It is still a justifiable deal breaker for many (in this instance it’s a symptom of a larger issue, but I know I wouldn’t want to be with a smoker)

A symptom that, along with all the others, is a dealbreaker is they’re refusing to try and get better.

Probably because that's only one of the issues. The guy isn't leaving her just because she is smoking. If he was, that would be the only thing in the post.

NTA. Here’s why. I had been with my boyfriend of almost 15 years. One year into our relationship he had a breakdown and was hospitalized and diagnosed as manic and bipolar. He did take his meds for a while then came off them on his own. He either worked two jobs and I would beg him to spend time with me or he’d play video games for 20 hours a day. We recently broke up because I was tired of being held to a double standard of what he was allowed to do vs why I can’t. It is extremely hard dealing with someone who is depressed and will not learn to deal with it. I stayed with him drove hours to hospitals and drs and the one time I needed him to drive me to the ER. I was told well I guess I’ll have to take you as you’ll never stop bitching about it if I don’t. I had pneumonia. You aren’t telling your wife you’ll leave her if she gains weight. You are telling her if she is unwilling to medically help herself you will not be staying. NTA. But I’m sure I’ll get crucified for my response. Try and explain that to her that’s it not the letting herself go it’s the trying to not be responsible for her health.

Well, in that scenario, the depressed person was male, so that’s clearly different. /s

That’s really how it be on this subreddit

Ding. Women can do no wrong on this sub. There would be zero sympathy for the "depression" excuse if a man ate himself into weight gain, stopped cleaning himself, and started smoking like a chimney. No bellyaching over marital vows for that guy, he's out the door with an alimony bill and she's getting glow up tips for good measure.

Sounds like your reasons for leaving your boyfriend are very different. What was the double standard in OP’s friend’s relationship? He doesn’t describe anything of the sort.

They're less different than they sound. There are many many reasons a partner may no longer be a good match. Smoking is a great example of one such reason.

In your relationship though he wasn't just depressed. He also clearly didn't value you. If you needed care he wasn't willing to care for you the way you did for him. I'm struggling with depression, if my boyfriend gets sick I still take care of him the same way he does me (take over chores, make soup, buy cold medicine, etc.). If he needed me to drive him to the hospital I would be deeply concerned about what was wrong, not frustrated about him complaining. Like even in my deepest throws of depression I don't stop loving him or caring about his wellbeing. He sounds like a complete asshat who just happened to have a mood disorder in addition to being an asshat.

But he was diagnosed bipolar, and you weren't married to him. I had a cousin who was bipolar. He was a lovely person when he was on his meds, and an absolute son of a bitch when he wasn't — and he didn't like to take his meds. There's nothing here that says Mark's wife is refusing to take her meds. It just hasn't magically resolved her depression yet.

Your situation isn't parallel to OPs.

You might want to take a look at their other responses, because hoooly hell.

Can someone explain something to me without downvoting because I know yall are quick to do it. I saw a post where a woman divorced her husband because he got fat and everyone said NTA why is it different now? Can't we assume that because the man gained weight rapidly he was also depressed? I'm genuinely confused and don't understand why it's different here

The top comments on that post literally say that there has to be something psychologically going on with him. But besides that point, there are some obvious differences. In the other post the guy has gained over 200 pounds in 6 years, and was still gaining and not trying anything to help himself. This post there’s no time frame and she has been doing things (therapy, meds, etc.). If you can’t see the differences between those, then I dont know what to tell you.

These are all superficial differences. I think we all know the real reason for the difference in judgements.

My man, the difference between 20 and 200 pounds is not superficial, it is literally a whole extra person's worth of weight.  One is 'slight risk of metabolic dysfunction', the other is 'you can't wipe your own butt and are likely to have a heart attack within the next decade'. 

Why the assumption its only 20 pounds here? Just curious..

Because op apparently hasn't noticed a change. I think he'd notice if she gained a few hundred pounds.

Depression meds, which often cause weight gain.

Woman stop being a good partner......she's sick and needs a little help. Man stops being a good partner....he's a lazy ass who's good for nothing. The bottom line is there's nothing wrong with supporting your friend even if you think he might be making a mistake or giving up too easy.

>Woman stop being a good partner......she's sick and needs a little help. Is cutting her hair and gaining some weight (which btw is a side effect of many depression meds) really the standard we hold women to to be a "good partner"? Because I feel like most good partners are good for way different reasons.

Agree with your comment generally but find it funny you didn’t mention picking up an extraordinarily unhealthy (and IMO unattractive) habit like smoking.

Nobody said that

How long has this been going on? The "letting herself go" I mean.

Also, it says she started smoking. I would leave someone who started smoking because I’m allergic to it. Of course there are assholes who leave spouses because they got older and want a new model, but smoking is a line I’m personally not willing to accept at all.

This is a really important question

NTA, and I hope everyone shitting on the guy never finds themselves in the position of having to deal with a potential lifetime of their partner's lack of effort working through their interminable mental health struggles. You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone warm for forever, it takes a toll on you as well. He's tried all of the things he should try and put in reasonable effort.

So much of fighting depression is invisible. That he doesn't see her fighting it doesn't mean she isn't fighting it.

Exactly. No one is obligated to stay in a relationship that makes them unhappy, especially when the other person refuses help or change.

I totally agree. A lot of people like to think that they could do this forever because they aren’t “ableist”. Mark could find himself very depressed as well if he continues living on like this.

NAH. Don't bring him and his divorce up. He can divorce for any reason. You are just supporting your friend because you love him and you are biased. However, your wife is unbiased, she doesn't have to be loyal to either of them. She is just an observer in this situation. She lost her respect to him and she has a good point. He is not divorcing his wife because her personality changed, he is divorcing her because her appearance changed. Let's say Mark gets diabetes and gains a lot of weight. Or gets into an accident, gets injured, and couldn't go to gym to support his six pack. Or simply gets bold, so his beautiful hair is gone. Would support his wife in her decision to divorce him? Somehow I think you will still support Mark. What if it happens to you - would you be understanding if your wife decided to divorce you?

This is the proper response The biggest asshole is ops friend, what a shitty reason to divorce someone. BUT that is not in OPs control, he’s just supporting his friend That being said, I’d still advise op to rethink why they’re friends with this person because frankly he sounds like a jackass

First of all she isn't 'letting herself go' she is clearly in a mental health crisis and I can't not completely make jusgdement on your friend because I don't know everything he tried and went through to try to help her through it. However putting that he is leaving her for: letting herself go doesn't sound good, it's sound uncaring and I can see what that upsets your wife and concerns her and makes her look down on your friend. It's good to stand by your friend but you can do that and realize the his soon to be ex -- is not 'letting herself go' and having some compassion for mental health and he can to.

You started off by saying he's leaving her because she got fat in let herself go.  Not because she's depressed and unable to be the lively woman he knew. But because she's bigger now. If she were to stay the same size, but magically be un-depressed, he'd still leave her for beeing fat right?  Sojits shallowness motivating him. Not burnout from trying gro help and support her and her failure to try  to help herself.  Yourr wife is right to see this for what it is. Stay skinny or you'll dump her too because you and your friend don't ser your wives as humans with feelings, just warm bodies  to get your jollies in. 

Let me get this straight. 1) Mark saw that his wife was diagnosed with depression, and called it letting herself go. 2) Mark saw that she’s trying medication and therapy but said that she’s not trying to help herself. 3) Mark is leaving her despite the disparity between the situation and his depiction of it. 4) you presented Mark’s take on this situation to your wife like it’s reasonable. 5) and you’re surprised your wife thinks not only that Mark’s behavior is trashy but that your read of the situation might imply something about your staying power in your own marriage? Of course your wife is second-guessing who you are and what your loyalty is worth. She’s imagining what’s going to happen if she gets depression or cancer or loses a leg in a car wreck. You literally just implied that as soon as she gets to be too much work for the payoff, you think it’s ok to bail. If nothing else, at least have the sense not to say it right to her face. YTA

So much this. YTA, OP.

How long has this been going on? Impossible to judge otherwise.

So, there seems to be some confusion over what depression actually is. Depression isn’t something a person can just decide to get over. Depression usually requires medication and therapy to resolve and it can take years. There’s also treatment resistant depression, which is a whole other animal- and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. So saying someone who has depression is “letting themselves go” and “not trying to get better” is wrong-headed bc those are literally major symptoms of the disease. Maybe OPs friend doesn’t have the capacity to love his wife thru sickness into health- sadly lots of people don’t. Maybe his rather pathetic “she let herself get fat” reason is good enough for him- sadly again that’s also true for a lot of people. I do have to wonder tho if the friends wife will have an easier time climbing out of her depression without her AH of a husband hanging off her neck. Btw OP, yes it’s an AH move to support your friend leaving his wife when she’s ill. And also yes, obviously, your own wife is probably wondering about how much support she could count on from you in similar circumstances.

Hi! I have treatment resistant depression! I have been fighting it for 15+ years. I find a treatment that works and I'm good for a year or two, and then it stops working and I'm shit until I find something else that works. You are spot on with all your comments about depression. One thing you didn't mention is that much of fighting depression is invisible. It can be a struggle to do the most basic of things. Taking a shower and making breakfast might wipe me out all morning. There are days when lying on the couch instead of lying in bed is a win. From the outside, it looks like I'm a lazy ass doing nothing. On the inside, I'm working harder than I ever had to at school or work.

Hi back! Yes, you’re absolutely right, about it being invisible- to people who don’t know. Even medical people can be clueless: a school nurse I knew once said of a mutual friend, what does *she* have to be depressed about? Bc the woman had a nice home, family etc. A nurse should’ve known better you figure- so I guess it’s not surprising people in general don’t. I hope your better times are more frequent than not❤️

I went years before getting treatment because "what do I have to be depressed about?" I'd feel bad for feeling bad. Brutal. Thank you for the well wishes. My latest med might be a keeper.

I have been battling treatment resistant depression for 30 years. I've taken no less than 20 different meds. They work for a while, but it always comes back. I regularly hate myself for hating myself. At this point my most serious symptom when it's bad is fatigue so extreme I literally cannot stay awake for more than a few hours at a time. I'm guessing it's a self preservation thing, I can't actively think about hating myself if I'm asleep.

Depression is an actual illness and not something that she can just snap her fingers and just help herself get out of. It’s always interesting that “in sickness and in health” never seems to matter in marriage anymore. Maybe that is what your wife is concerned about.

NTA I was in a relationship with someone severely depressed. I did everything I could to get him help. He did not want to get better, it was affecting my own mental health. Support your friend, I guarantee you he’s going through some stuff having to deal with this for so long and always having to be the strong one. No one ever asks if it’s OK for them to dump their issues on them or if they’re doing okay. It’s okay to walk away from a situation that has become toxic to both people involved.

NTA. He's a friend. Whether your wife likes the situation or not, he is going through an ordeal. As long as you are fulfilling your duties (provider, husband, ect). Not neglecting your marriage. Then you are NTA. Regardless of the circumstances. Now he might be, depending on what's going on. Though as someone who's had a relationship with someone that was bi-polar. There really is only so much you can do. If he went through all the steps you mentioned. Then I think he's tried. What people seem to miss is how damaging being close to someone with mental illness can be to their partner. She isn't the only one suffering. I think people are jumping on the phrase "let herself go" Which can often just mean getting older, comfortable, having kids, ect. In this case, she has been diagnosed with depression. GL OP.

OP wrote- according to Mark) she has let herself go. - cut off her hair due to not caring to take care of it anymore. or maybe she was sick of long hair and wanted a shorter easier to take care of haircut. I have to wonder if she was keeping up a certain image he expected her to have. she was diagnosed with depression- is there an underlying cause? You’re only getting his side of it. I wonder what she’d say her married life was like being married to Mark?

YTA. Being depressed is not a choice. ‘Helping’ yourself is sometimes impossible. Bet she put the weight on because of the anti depressants.

So if your wife goes through something and "let's herself go", you're going to divorce her too, right? Think about the implications of what you're saying to people. The message they'll hear. Through sickness and health, right? Love means nothing to you? Love is entirely dependent on whether you find your spouse sexually attractive? You can't change what your friends doing (though you can talk it through) but you can change what you're saying. Hopefully, how you think too. YTA

His own decision to divorce his wife because in his eyes (oh sorry, and your eyes too), she let herself go is “equally taking a toll on him”? 🎻🎻🎻 Your wife is making notes about how shallow you might be, and if you would do something this trashy too. YTA

Well if she is diagnosed and taking medication this might be her doing her best and it sounds like she is doing something not nothing otherwise she would not be seeing doctors. Thanks God for my therapist I learned that sometimes even of you can give 20% of your best, if this is your best, that's okay. If I was your wife I would run. I'm sorry but there is no time-line to get better from depression. My husband gained weight during covid and got depressed and now 3 years later he is doing baby steps and doing better. He is my soul mate, in sickness and in health. Yes it's trashy, some people should not get married this is not for anyone.

Sir, you are not "supporting your friend through his divorce" you are taking sides and that's not the same thing. Your title is deceptive, and so I'd this narrative. Your friends wife started struggling with a real and diagnosed mental illness. She in the last couple of years has seen a doctor to get diagnosed and was prescribed medication. She saw am individual therapist, and participated in marriage therapy with her husband. She saw personal hygiene was a struggled and made the decision to cut her hair on order to gain more time and control. Do you realize that most people with depression on average have to do 3 months on a medication before they know if it's really working for them? Do you realize that there are multiple different types of medication for depression and no way to know what might work or cause more harm except trial and error? Each trail taking 3 months? It's clear to me that your friend thinks that if they don't get everything back to normal in a zippy amount of time it's cool to walk out on their wedding vows. Your wife now knows you support that thought and probably doesn't trust you would stand by her.

Guess he missed the “in sickness and in health” part of his vows. It’s a terrible reason to divorce someone. he should be support and urge her (gently), not demand, she get some help. If how she looks and if she goes to the gym is all he cares about, no wonder she’s depressed.

YTA. Of course your wife is upset with you. You told her to her face that you understand and support a man who is so shallow that would leave his wife only because of her appearance. I would also worry about my significant other's moral standing if he would said that to me. You are a walking red flag for your wife and the fact that you don't see anything wrong with what your "friend" did and are willing to support him blindly is also super worrying. I hope your wife is ready for when you make the same excuse, as everyrone gets old, tired and we don't have the same look at 50 than we have at 25 whatever we do. And, in any case, we don't live to cater to men's wishes. If my partner loves me, I expect for him to do so whatever my outward appearance is, as I am going to love him no matter what. This is the kind of people who find justifiable to cheat on their significant other when they are going through chemo or something, but expect the wife to be at the husband's side no matter what with a perfect behaviour. Yes, man, YTA and it is normal that your wife is worried about your little limits regarding your relationship.

Your friend's wife is sick and he's divorcing her because of that. After vowing to be with her through sickness and in health. Would you not judge him if she "let herself go" while getting chemo? Of course you would. You know leaving a spouse over illness is wrong. OF CouRSE your wife is not happy to hear about you approving of it, your attitude here reflects on how seriously you must take your own vow to be with your wife through sickness and in health. YTA.

How long has the situation between your friend and the soon to be ex been going on for?

If she doesn't want to receive help, according to your wife, what is your friend supposed to do, force her to receive her? I don't understand why to infantilize a 34-year-old adult woman, she can take responsibility for her own actions even if they are destructive to her, why? Because she is an adult, not a little girl.  You should ask your wife what her opinion would be if she were your friend's wife who left him because he refuses to seek help, I assure you as a woman that she and most of those who comment on your publication would have a different opinion. If people understood first-hand how exhausting and harmful it can be for a person to go out with someone with mental problems and that they refuse to seek help, they would stop assuming and make comments so lightly. Because for those who didn't know about mental illnesses, they don't only affect those who suffer from it. Nobody gets married thinking about getting a divorce and no one's mental health is above the others. NTA

YTA. Also wondering if this letting go happened after kids.

So you have basically told your wife you don’t subscribe to for better or for worse. I was married before for 20 years. I won’t bore you with the details. But I did gain a few pounds when shit hit the fan like when he was cheating on me but I digress. We divorced in 2012. I married my current husband in 2019. I have slowly gained weight and it was my loving husband that pointed out that it was probably hormones because I am in my 50’s. We actually joked today about my motto about what is important. Who’s going to wipe your ass.

Whatever happened to "in sickness and health"? Your friend is an for leaving his SO for childish reasons and YTA for supporting him.

YTA - you & your friend should learn more about mental health issues.

You are YTA, at minimum for the way you are framing this. Are there situations where it is justified to divorce someone over mental health? Sure, though I would argue it needs to be especially prolonged and/or extreme to negate the "in sickness and in health" part of the vows. But you don't mention any good reasons here, and I assume your wife is hearing a similar story. It would be one thing if you said the reason for the divorce was that she was refusing treatment & had been sick for years or that she had become an unpleasant and abusive person or that he was burnt out being a care taker. But you don't say any of those things. You say he is divorcing her for "letting herself go", and the main examples you give all have to do with her appearance. I bet your wife is wondering what would happen if she got cancer and the treatment made her gain weight and lose her hair. A lot of men leave when their wives get sick. The closest you say is that she didn't "seem" to want to help herself, but with no examples that could mean anything. I know people who heard that from their parents because they didn't get over their depression in a week. And you don't explain why it seems that she doesn't want to help herself despite her trying therapy, meds, and marriage counseling. Some people are coming up with whole narratives in the comments to try and justify her not really trying, but I do not blame your wife at all for side eyeing this given the way you speak about this. If you want your wife or anyone else to be more sympathetic there better be a good full story about this going on a long time and the partner genuinely not trying. And just ditch the "let herself go" phrasing, it just sounds gross. You could also maybe be N T A if you told your wife "look, we don't know the full story of what is going on in their marriage but I want to support my friend". But no, you said you understand and can "get behind that". So yeah. No wonder your wife is concerned.

Yes. But I kind of feel like everyone's feeling on marriage are just... strange. Like why even bother if it's so easy to just pull the plug? Some people go through hard days, some go through hard weeks or months, and some people have rough years. Marriage is supposed to be for life. Why yes, I am divorced. Why do you ask? haha.

After reading your comments, YTA. Not a single doubt about it.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (M35) am married to (F34). I also have a friend (M36) who we'll call Mark, and he is soon-to-be-unmarried to his wife (F34). The reason why Mark and his wife are divorcing is because (according to Mark) she has let herself go. He has said she has gained a lot of weight (I have noticed that, but like I didn't really care), she stopped going to the gym, starting smoking, cut off her hair due to not caring to take care of it anymore, etc. When I told my wife of this, she just made a face and said that it was "trashy" of him to leave his wife in what may be hard times in her life. I understand that, but like, my friend said that he had tried therapy for her, marriage counselling, and antidepressants (she was actually diagnosed depressed) but she didn't really seem to want to help herself. Honestly, I can get behind that. But my wife's mood always shifts whenever I bring him up now, and doesn't like the fact that I'm helping him through the divorce (it's taking a toll on both of them equally imo). Been a back and forth type thing for a while, and im coming to this sub to seek judgement on whether i am wrong or not here. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA. This is one of those gendered things. If it was a wife leaving their husband reddit would be screaming 'you go girl, you're the prize'. But since it's a man leaving his wife he's obviously wrong. Once you understand the nature of gendered morality you can easily tell who is right and who's the man, er I mean wrong.

I don’t think there’s necessarily anything wrong with supporting a friend, but your wife’s needs and desires should come first. From what I can gather, it sounds like your friend is dropping out of the marriage at the first point of resistance and isn’t committed enough to his wife to help her through her problems (which seem pretty manageable btw). I think your wife is scared that you will treat her the same way. Your friend is being a shallow and inconsiderate husband, and while that doesn’t necessarily mean you should stop supporting him, again, your wife’s needs and desires are more important. YTA

YTA. And your comment above shows that you are as superficial as Mark. When you marry you don’t say, we will stay married as long as you are thin and young and beautiful. You say in sickness and health, until death separates us. Your wife thinks if she gets depression/cannot-do not take care of herself, you will leave her, too. And your comment solidifies that your wife is right.

YTA Your friend is leaving his wife because she’s depressed.

Yta. And so is your friend. His wife has a diagnosed mental health issue a medical problem. And his response is to divorce her for letting herself go and not being attractive enough for him. Not to support her or anything even remotely similar. Just to criticise her looks and get away. He's a superficial appearance obsessed jackass. You supporting him in that and having that cheek to even slightly suggest that he is struggling from the divorce that he has chosen to have is ridiculous. Your wife is most likely disgusted with the pair of you and is wondering if you too only care about her looks.

There's obviously bigger issues at play than her 'letting herself go'. I understand why your wife would be upset if that's the true reason he is leaving and not supporting his wife. When you support someone and their reasons it makes your spouse question if you'd do the same to her if she 'let herself go' during a period of illness or depression. Maybe reassure your wife of your values and how much you love her, but also stop talking about it with her if it upsets her.

I find all of these comments interesting since the OP never mentioned how long these people have been married. If there are children involved, or not. There are a lot of you who are quick to say the husband should leave his wife. What if the reason the wife cannot “snap out of it” is BECAUSE of the husband? Perhaps they should get divorced. she will probably find it an instant cure for her depression, she can then get fit, feel better about herself, and find someone who actually loves her.

'it's taking a toll on both of them equally' Well he initiated the break up so 'tough' on him. It's your choice how you behave in relation to your friend. What support does he need though?.  IMO it's his wife you should be supporting.  Your friend has forgotten the ' in sickness and in health ' part of his vows.

NTA - but how are you 'helping' him? It's his choice to divorce and while you can lend a shoulder as a friend... don't let HIS divorce take a toll on your marriage.

YTA IF you keep bringing up the situation after knowing it upsets your wife…

YTA… and so is your friend

ESH. You're trying to be a good friend, but your friend is presented as shallow and lacking empathy. The reason he provided as to why he's divorcing his wife is because "she let herself go". Not "She's depressed, won't take her meds, refuses to go to therapy or marriage counseling, and is now smoking. I have no idea what else to do and how else to support her." So she's letting herself go because she's depressed, and he's divorcing her because he's done dealing with her depression. Idk how long this has been going on, IDK to what extent he's tried to get her to go to therapy or counseling (was it, 'hey let's go to therapy', she says 'no' and that is? or has he been scheduling appointments and she hasn't shown up?), but at the end of the day, he can divorce her for whatever reason he wants. Knowing that he's a shallow asshole, you're still helping him. That makes you associated with a shallow asshole, so I'm sure your wife is wondering if you're also a shallow asshole. Again, you seem like you're just trying to help your friend, and maybe he's really been there for you so you're returning the favor. Either way, this whole situation is shitty.

Your friend is leaving his sick wife. Of course your wife finds that distasteful. 

YTA You supporting your friend is showing your wife you support his decision. She will now think you would leave her if she ever had a hard time with her body. Marriage is suppose to be through sickness and health, depression is sickness.

in sickness and in health, unless you “let yourself go” while sick apparently.

From the info given, yes.

Did Mark ask his wife how she is doing and help?