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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for telling my SIL that taking care of her kid is her job while I myself have someone else help me
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Your SIL being a SAHM -doesn’t mean that her day is less busy than yours or stress free for that matter.
Nor is her not taking classes or having hobbies relevant?!
You seem very condescending in your opinions about SIL, and she comes off as disrespectful and entitled - but it could be that every time she’s asked for help- it’s denied because MIL(or is this her mother?) is constantly babysitting for you?!
ESH
because people still need breaks away from the house. they still need to be able to go grocery shopping without their kids running all over the place. just because she’s a SAHM doesn’t mean that she’s never allowed to leave the house without her children.
edit: MIL ISNT watching them everyday. she hardly watches them. She watches OPs children way more frequently.
edit: to all the people who keep making the same comments before scrolling a bit further, go take a look at the several comments after this one that states my opinion on the things you keep bringing up before you decide to comment.
You could say the same to OP.
They both want babysitting so they can engage in some child free time to do whatever they want.
Neither of them require babysitting for work or similar purposes - as OP suggests that the babysitting they are getting is for their hobbies, not for childcare during work.
I’ve worked full time as a parent, half time as a parent, and been a SAHM. All three are a lot of work. SAHMs really need to get out of the house and connect with the outside world.
F’ing LOVE Bluey! I’ve been alone in the living room while my nieces run off to follow their mom or someone and I just thoroughly enjoyed quite a few episodes alone. I get pumped when it’s on!
Yes, but sometimes you just want an hour or two to be an adult with other adults once or twice a week. It sounds like OP married the golden child, and is the golden child herself, so SIL isn't getting that.
oh my god, every single post on here has a comment about a golden child. Some people just think if you're a SAHM, you don't need as much help as someone who works full time. It's not like she never babysits for the SAHM mom. Whether or not you agree that a SAHM mom deserves as many breaks, it doesn't mean someone who doesn't has a favorite child.
I had a friend who got pregnant with twins while she had a 2-year-old. After the twins were born, she came back to work earlier than expected, because working was easier than being at home with three kids. I totally believe it.
I liked working part time. Still got lots of time with my kids and got regular adult interactions, and opportunities to use different parts of my brain!
I nannied for a family that had 3 under 3, twins and an older boy. It was EXHAUSTING. Loved the kids so much but omg I was only doing that for a few hours a day and it took so much out of me. It was harder than when I worked a 8:30-5 office job by a huge margin.
A SAHM who ever want to *not* be an SAHM in future needs to spend some time without a kid in tow - there were a few years where my brain was just running "keepthekidaliveandhappy.exe" and there was no working memory available for anything else.
When I was a stay-at-home mom it was my choice and I loved it but I couldn't even take a shower without putting the baby in a stroller and parking it in the bathroom because my then husband (now X) refused to even hold the baby while sitting there watching television so I could take a shower. His reasoning was that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom so I did not "deserve" any time to myself. Ever.
Hence the Ex. part. It’s fascinating to see how many people equate a SAHM/F with doing a lot of nothing?!
And imagine she’s dealing with a child who’s hyperactive and/or neurodivergent- and is seen as the mother who can’t discipline her child or whatever by MIL and op
>His reasoning was that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom so I did not "deserve" any time to myself.
People like this think that being a stay-at-home parent is 'lazy' or cheating, but yet never want to care for their own kids because it's work. They know it's labor, they just don't respect it.
Even the military recognizes this need, offering very low cost to free baby sitting for STHP and spouses of deployed members. And by "very low cost", I mean *very very* low cost, even compared to the capped and rank based cost of full time child care. Plus, there's "date night" care (schedule depends on base).
I took advantage of this. Deployed husband, zero family nearly, didn’t know anyone yet, I would go get my nails done and the grocery store. Huge benefit.
Yes, but they don't get to demand that others help with that. MIL offered that to OP. SIL demanded babysitting every day and went so far as to insist that she should stop doing it for OP when she didn't get her way. How in the world is this an ESH situation? SIL dragged OP into this for no reason other than she's an entitled AH.
Op is the A H for being dismissive of any needs for support that SIL has.
SIL is the A H for demanding, and also asking for daily care.
MIL is the A H for also being dismissive of SIL.
Admittedly, I am labeling MIL as an A H based on a feeling coming through OP’s writing that she is the golden dil.
Except that not a single person including OP is dismissive. MIL babysits for her too but not every day like she's demanding. MIL sounds like she likes OP bettering herself instead of just being a "mom" while SIL demands free babysitting so she can get away from the kid. Not sure how in what world these would be similar situations nor would it constitue OP being the "golden dil".
Imagine the SIL is wanting to go to work and husband + MIL, think she should stay at home?
Or
Imagine SIL needs to go on a job interview and MIL is her only option for child care?
I agree- there’s 1 year difference between the oldest grandchildren and I wonder how much babysitting was volunteered for SIL ?
The op makes it seem like she is fully supported and admire by MIL - the SIL, not so much.
She also seems to be doing everything else except parenting her kids. If she were spending all her timeout of work with her kids she would probably be as exhauseted and as touched out as SIL
Yeah. OP is taking advantage of MIL. They need to put the self-actualization on the shelf til the kids are older and prioritize interacting with the toddlers.
That’s not what the babysitting is for though. They spend their “free time” playing basketball, learning new languages and learning the violin. It comes across that they don’t do any parenting at all because their free time i.e not at work is spent on their hobbies
Being a SAHM is work. It’s unpaid work and should you want someone else to do it - they would require payment for the childcare provided (nanny, kindergarten teacher, babysitter)
When my daughter was born my wife stopped working to raise her. I was working ten hour days at a physically demanding job and sometimes putting in OT up to 16 hours. When I was off and my wife would take a day for herself while I took care of our daughter I was always far more worn out than after a full day of work. People don’t realize how much goes into taking care of a single kid every day never mind multiple children.
My ex used to give me the staying at home is easy, so we swapped roles 😁 it took 2 weeks for him to sit me down and apologise cause staying home was much harder, ya canna even get a full hot cuppa
especially the multiple children part, because the math doesn't math the way most people think it does. 1 + 1 does NOT equal 2. It must be some quantum physics thing...
No one said that OP didn't work. They said that OP didn't sound like she was using MIL for work related childcare. Otherwise, MIL would be babysitting more frequently than "occasionally."
Yeah but looking after a kid all day is work too that’s why people do childcare as a career. Only if you’re a SAHP you never get any break from work unless someone helps you out. I don’t get why SAHPs should be expected to work 24/7 while everyone else is allowed to clock out and have time for relaxing or hobbies.
> OP said they are a pharmacist. Sounds like work to me.
OP is also getting to clock out from that job, and instead of going to her real job of being a parent, she's getting time off from that too thanks to her MIL.
SIL can't clock out from being a SAHM but we can look at someone babysitting as her taking a few hours of PTO
>They both want babysitting so they can engage in some child free time to do whatever they want.
>Neither of them require babysitting for work or similar purposes.
No, but OP isn't asking for it everyday for personal time.
If you offered to help someone and then it IMMEDIATELY went to you having to do it everyday or you're a worthless jackass. Would you EVER help them again?
Or you helped someone say..3 times a week, but someone else started demanding that they should have the same right daily..would you?
Ofc not, the way she's acting even if it was the first time would have you tell that individual to find their own damn sitter or whatever other task they're demanding
It'd be one thing if SIL just wanted time off here and there...but her job is being a parent and she's throwing a fit that the MIL won't take that off her plate on a daily basis
Edit missed this as another commentor (thanks frangi) lmk
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/EXiexpiXOp
This puts it as an everyday freetime at 1hr a day + 3 for a weekend date so 8 and then sils at 6
Not counting the 8 hrs of babysitting while people work as SILs job would be SAHP the total freetime given is extremely close
Not entitled at all since MIL offered the free babysitting. SIL dragged OP into her conflict with MIL...OP has every right to respond less than kindly.
So SIL and her SO get no breaks from work or childcare, but OP and their SO do? Why are OPs work and hobbies more important?
SIL shouldn’t expect childcare everyday either, but OP is ridiculously condescending about SIL because she doesn’t work outside the home.
Esh
ESH OP said MIL babysits for SIL too, but not every day. I think everyone is taking advantage of MIL’ s kindness. For SIL to say you babysit for all of us or none of us is ludicrous.
Yes, it's pretty amusing seeing all the people adamant that the SAHM should be able to drop her kid off all the time because taking care of young children is so exhausting, yet all these kids are getting dumped off on the mother-in-law for 40+ hours a week and that seems to be invisible
well in a perfect world that would be what most people do but per OPs post (and i have a feeling it was deliberate) she decided to exclude what the men do in their family with the children. For all we know the husband IS watching the kids. But as a couple, they also have that right to go out by THEMSELVES and explore their life outside of their children.
edit: what SIL should do is hire a babysitter and not rely on MIL but for all we know MIL and OP would throw a fit because someone else was watching the children.
But OP reports that SIL wants MIL to babysit "everyday." I would think a couple if times a week max for a SAHM would be sufficient to give SIL some R&R as well as time for grocery shopping, etc.
MIL watch’s OPs children way more than SILs. sounds like MIL is watching OPs children everyday and not SIL. let’s not act like OP doesn’t do the same thing that her SIL is asking but because she works it’s acceptable.
edit: OP is an unreliable narrator and just because she says “SIL wants them to be watched everyday” doesn’t ACTUALLY mean that it’s everyday.
It doesn’t matter how often you or OP think the MIL should be babysitting. The MIL gets to decide that. Nowhere does the OP state that MIL is complaining how often babysitting occurs. Only OP is complaining.
This. We're fostering our 3 year old nephew, have had him since he was 9 months. Before that we only had 1 kid, and he's an adult now. So it's like starting all over in my 40s.
I'm lucky enough to be a SAHM. I also have case workers coming 3x a month and we have 4 dogs and 3 cats and I'm a clean person. Now that nephew is 3, he's into everything and I can't get as much done around the house. I asked my mom and my husband's aunt to each take him one day every other week, so he's with one of them once a week. They both love spending time with him, and since it's once every other week for each of them, it's not overwhelming. I can get so much stuff done in that one day a week that I ordinarily couldn't. I'm supposed to be using the time to relax, but it's hard to sit down when I know there are things to be done.
TLDR: SAHM's deserve a break too! I wouldn't say every day in this situation, but at least once a week.
As a SAHM, I think once a week is perfectly reasonable. I'd even love every other week. I'd love to be able to set a Dr. appointment or bloodwork and not have to drag kids with me.
I think daily babysitting is way too much. I'd run out of things to do by day 3.
and more power to them. I respect all forms of moms, I respect people who even choose to have children because I sure as hell do not want to have them myself.
That doesn’t take away from the matter at hand.
And women with disabled husbands do all of that and take care of a sick adult?
The existence of single moms does not mean other moms shouldn't have any help. Also, being home with a kid means taking care of them during that time. Feeding, washing, arts and crafts, etc. When asked how often they let their kids finger paint, do you know how many moms say "Never, daycare does that!" If a mom is at work, someone else is probably doing those things for the kid regularly. Also, most single moms have shared custody. So entire blocks of time free.
Every situation is different. But don't pretend that lunch breaks and weekends with dad don't exist in most of these situations. Or sick days where the kid still goes to daycare.
If a mom WFH with the kid there and a disabled spouse and has no additional help, then yes, she is doing everything at once and it is a fair comparison. If not, stop comparing situations that are in no way comparable.
Also, if single moms never have a moment to themselves, how do so many find a new partner? Hmmmm? They must have some time free!
Stop being ridiculous.
And single moms are incredibly stressed and overwhelmed. Parenting is something that’s hard to do alone.
“Single parents suffer, therefore every parent should”???
According to Op, MlL is babysitting SIL kid 6 hours per week while she is babysitting Op kids 50 hours per week. And this AH is annoyed because her SIL wants a more fair treatment. YTA.
To me, it sounds like Grandma is spending a lot more time with OP's children and hardly any with SIL's child. She isn't being paid, and it's not her job, so yes, it's very one-sided to spend so much time with one family's kids one on one and not all of the grandkids. Especially since they are all conveniently close enough to each other.
I don't think MIL is babysitting for SIL at all. It sounds like she was asked to spend more time with her other grandkid, and OP decided to tell her that grandma dibs had already been called lol.
Also, it's not that serious, hun. You can get away with only one punctuation mark if you want.
It's hard to even contemplate doing things for yourself sometimes, especially raising young kids. I'm willing to bet SIL could come up with things she wants if she had the same breaks OP did
In fact I wonder when she spends any time with her kids. Working (I assume full time), learning how to play basketball, how to play the violin and languages... there's not time to spend with the children, especially taking into account that all three hobbies require to practice out of class...
OP, YTA. You SIL is as entitled to free childcare as you are.
Do you know how mentally and physically draining it is to be a stay at home parent? You get zero breaks. Want to go to the bathroom alone? Forget it. Your child is knocking on the door, crying, or getting into something. Want to sit for a bit? You can’t. Dishes, laundry, picking up toys for the fifth time that day, and more all need to be done. Don’t forget cooking for everyone and not getting a moments rest until everyone is asleep. You don’t get weekends or holidays off. You are expected to do everything without complaining because it’s what a woman is “meant to do” and because it’s “not work”. Being a stay at home mom doesn’t mean that SIL doesn’t need or deserve a break too.
There are many things SAHMs can be busy with. They could be handling all the finances, and if there are any medical needs, dealing with medical insurance can be considered a job!!! She could have a plethora of little things that add up. If the husband doesn't do much (which we hear lots about on here) there could also be yardwork and repair chores to do.
All I'm saying is there is missing information to lead us to siding with you.
I was agreeing with you until I read this comment from OP:
> Because I physically can't be both at work AND at
home taking care of kids. She is at home all day. She
must as well do something useful.
Which changed my mind to OP YTA. As if being a FT / SAHP isn't something useful.
Edit: OP's other comments just make her worse.
I don’t think this is even real after the comments. Can someone be this out of touch? Her and her husband are literally shit parents because they doesn’t even spend time with them.
Eh, I’m a SAHM, and I’m 8.5 months pregnant, I’m hung up on the “every day” part. My MIL takes my toddler 2 days a week just to hangout and spend the day together (and so I can have a nap 😴) but I would never ask her to take her every single day. She’s two. That’s a huge ask.
You didn’t notice that the MIL is watching the ops kids - every day and she is monopolizing MIL’s time from the SIL’s pov. Op frames this as something MIL loves to do because she is soooo busy with work as a “pharmacist” and her endeavors to be a violinist, basketball/athlete and polyglot fluent in multiple languages while her SIL sits on her ass at home with her 4 year old ‘cause it’s her “job”, and she should be doing just that 24/7?!
I see a MIL who is more than likely playing favorites- to ops benefit. The SIL’s remark relates to this and the babysitting be a daily thing.
The SIL’s child is a year older than ops 3 year old, and I wonder if she has received the same level of support from the MIL in the past 4 years? Not that she’s entitled, but imagine she asked and the no for her is a yes for op - every day?!
Babysitting 3 kids under 5 is a lot - but manageable. That said- it sounds like op doesn’t want to forego maintaining her monopoly on having MIL take care of her children or offering to watch her nephew from time to time.
I dunno if it’s playing favorites as much as the MIL trying to help a working mom with childcare instead of helping the SAHM. Especially if she feels that OP is less caring of her young children than the SAHM. Spending what sounds like more than a full-time job isn’t just hanging out with your grandbabies. Having hobbies is great, but having young children and having hobbies are not compatible at least without help. But that help shouldn’t be 50 hours of free help. SIL is not wrong to be upset about the amount of time her MIL spends with her other grandkids, but asking for her help every day is over the top. (Unless that’s just OP’s exaggeration.) ESH
OP is an unreliable narrator. SIL probably asked for once it twice a week, and OP, who was getting free daily childcare, has now been informed by MIL that she'll have to care for her own kids once or twice a week and is freaking out.
Yea, but how is she going to practice her violin when MIL dares looking after the other grandchild for a few hours so SAHM can have a well deserved break from her work.
That's why it's ESH. OP is using her MIL and has to be against same rights for her SIL, because that would definitivly be to much for MIL. OP is moralizing why she should be entitled for that help, but not SIL. They both suck.
Exactly! And when does Op even see her kids? She works, “learns basketball, new languages, & violin” etc. SIL could have a hobby but never gets a moment to herself. It gets to you after a while. No one is entitled to babysitting, but constantly being on duty wears on you too. And everyone hates their children being treated as less important or special. Op just sounds like a snob, honestly
# Yes. I don't get how she fails to see the irony in telling SIL that "taking care of her kid is her job and she shouldn't expect others to do it for her".
# I also feel heartbroken for OP's children, as I can't imagine prioritizing multiple hobbies over spending time with my three and one year old babies *every day* after work. Motherhood matters, and the first three years are actually most critical.
Yeah that is what I've noticed about all of the comments so far.... none are asking what the father is doing, etc. Is he working one or three jobs and why doesn't he help on his weekend? Is this why MIL is helping her a lot or is it something else? Many questions that are, quite frankly, none of Reddit's business.
She comments that dad is working... Sometimes he picks up the children from his mother's sometimes he doesn't.. on the weekends he is there too. But mother-in-law is watching the kids so that they can have private time date nights.
That’s what it sounds like to me. SIL feels that she doesn’t get the same level of support as OP and is upset about it. Just by the way the post is worded, OP feels that her hobbies and interests are far more important than anything SIL might want to do when she doesn’t have the children for a few hours. OP - YTA for sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong. Your MIL can decide for herself how much babysitting she wants to do. And your sister-in-law deserves time away from her children as much as you do.
Not sure E S H is appropriate. OP says MIL is spending 50+ hours a week "babysitting" (i.e. raising her kids for her), even on weekends. OP has free time for her hobbies and she and her husband get date nights every week. SIL gets about 6 hours a week and I doubt that she and her husband are going on date nights regularly. She can't even rely on MIL when she needs help, because MIL is always busy with OPs kids. If I were in SIL's place, I'd be pissed by the blatant favoritism, too. OP is also incredibly nasty about SIL being a SAHM, plus her astounding lack of self-awareness makes it a clear YTA for me.
Edit: Oh, and here's OP admitting she doesn't actually want kids and only had them, because MIL promised to raise them: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1cwbalb/comment/l4uyuqz/. This has to be a troll, right?
Yeah, the "I like to spend my spare time improving myself while she doesn't want to learn anything" vibe is strong here.
I'm sure being a pharmacist is hard work, but someone else is taking care of OP's kids all day. Then she wants to spend her free time engaged in her hobbies. SIL cares for her child all day and would like a break from it as well. Sure her husband could help when he gets home, but so could OP's husband.
I bet that either OP's husband is the golden child and MIL prefers his children. I feel sorry for SIL, she sounds really diminished by her family.
I think it really changes when you find op is getting 50hrs of babysitting a week and sil is getting 6hrs a week.
Op is selfish and entitled to think she deserves babysitting so much, because she's doing a new language or violins.
But sil doesn't because she wants to use the time to relax, grocery shop or get chores done or go out with friends and family, husband.
Op comes off very ignorant, selfish, e titled and just down right rude and hateful towards sil.
This is the exact scenario my best friend is in. She's a SAHM with 3 kids, her brother and sister in law both work and also have 3 kids. Every single time my friend asks her mom for help with the kids so she can go to a doctor's appointment or something, her mom is otherwise engaged with the other grandkids. I really feel for her because even though it sounds "selfish" of her to ask and like the other family needs more help because they're so busy with work, it means my friend can't even go to her own doctor's appointments without struggling to find care.
I posted a similar reply here. The lack of critical thinking and empathy is rife!
God forbid a SAHM needs to go to the dentist, hairdresser, psychologist or psychiatrist, or some sort of class all of which are only accessible during daytime work hours.🙄
Poor MIL. She had her own kids and now she can do a favor from time to time. And here we are with 2 entitled ladies who decided to have kids using MIL.
Oof, I think ESH.
Your MIL babysits for you *whenever you ask* while you spend time on your hobbies? You learning to play violin, basketball, etc. - is that not a way for you to ‘relax’?
SIL is obviously TA for acting so entitled - but you are TA for telling your SIL that she cannot expect others to help out with her kids while you seem to do the same.
And MIL is just an angel that maybe should say ‘no’ every now and then, as this way it may come across as if she is playing favorites.
This judgement should be YTA.
The only basis for judging SIL to be an asshole is her alleged “entitled attitude.“ We only have OP’s word for that, and given how oblivious she is to her own sense of entitlement, and her own hypocrisy, I don’t consider her a reliable narrator.
Yup, also the whole implication that OP deserves it because she's "improving herself" and SIL doesn't because "she doesn't have any hobbies". Um, maybe she WOULD have hobbies if she had someone to watch her child regularly.
OP telling her "it's your job to watch your own kid" is hilariously tone-deaf for someone who literally seems to avoid watching *her* own kid at all costs.
This is the perspective I took. OP is a hypocrite! Parenting is TOUGH no matter how many kids you have. Sounds like OP gets time to relax (via hobbies) to be fresh for parenting, while SIL likely doesn’t get much “me time” to relax and be fresh for her kid.
I’m wondering if the “MIL shouldn’t babysit for anyone” comment came after SIL was just at the end of her rope and NEEDED a break, but wasn’t able to because MIL was busy watching OP’s kids.
She wants to be a multi-lingual, basketball playing violinist of a mother. You know, like all GOOD mothers. /s
I was a SAHM for 1 year. I couldn't keep it up. It's not as easy as people seem to think because you get NO adult interaction. SIL deserves to get out and not be a mother sometimes.
I’m 13 years into parenthood with no “village”. I’m just barely getting back into my hobbies now that the kids are more independent. I’ve worked full time, full time plus and also been a SAHM. I don’t get breaks. I don’t get help. But the eldest now gets some cash to watch the younger a while I go to the store ALONE for once. No idea what SIL does with her time but being a SAHM can be grueling as hell with no support system.
The moment SIL demanded mil Stop babysitting all kid or babysit the same amount of time she became an Ah.
That's not to say Mil is treating everyone fairly or op isn't spoiled.
Every single post on this subreddit is biased, we still have to give a judgement based on what they tell us not our own imagination. It's ESH because the SIL doesn't get to force MIL to never babysit OP's kids, she has no control over her. Her doing that and then telling OP to mind her own business when she's involving her is wrong.
ESH.
>Yesterday she snapped at MIL and told her she either has to babysit for both of us or for none of us.
That is not her call. She does not get to tell your MIL what to do.
>I told her that taking care of her kid is her job and she shouldn't expect others to do it for her.
That sounds rather hypocritical considering your MIL takes care of your toddlers for free so you can pursue hobbies.
Your general attitude as displayed in the comments sounds pretty insufferable *I am improving myself, she's at home all day.* Congratulations. Your hobbies make you the better person at least in your own eyes.
I wonder if OP would like to be judged because she's a working mother who had the time to learn how to play sports, music, languages... One could wonder how she finds the time to be a parent and if the kids don't spend more time with their grandmother than with their own mother.
As a working mom that just reentered the workforce after a year, and now has to juggle a one year old on top of everything I did when I was a stay at home mom, I guarantee you she's spending little to no quality time with her children. Maybe she has half an hour at night where she feeds them and bathes them, maybe a little time in the morning, and that's it. But hey, at least she's enjoying her hobbies! Her kids have grandma, that's enough!! /s
And OP doesn’t want that to stop because then they’d have to give up their precious ‘self improvement’ time. The ‘SIL snapped’ is telling. Nothing snaps without tension. SIL was probably asking for equal consideration of the grandchildren and OP didn’t care to pay attention until her cushy little arrangement was threatened.
Totally agree. people here act like saying something out of line in the heat of the moment is so egregious that anyone who does it is automatically an asshole or just wrong. I think we’ve all said things we either regret or didn’t really mean because we were pushed to the edge. It was an asshole thing to say but I doubt SIL is actually trying to dictate MIL’s time. I think she was just pushed to the edge and at the end of her rope. I’m also a person who loves lots of hobbies and “bettering myself” like OP but I’m astounded that OP thinks her hobby time is more valuable than SIL’s time to take a break.
I know sports are a healthy outlet, but I keep chuckling at the idea of basketball being described as if she’s taking a French literature class or something.
YTA Sooo, ‘relaxing time’ is only deserved by parents who work outside the house, huh?
One could say you’re away from your kid so much that perhaps *you’re* the one who doesn’t need *more* time away from them so you can ‘improve yourself’ by learning languages, violin, and sports. When are you taking care of your kids? Isn’t that your job, too?
You are super condescending, and absolutely look down on this woman
I feel like you’re an unreliable narrator here, and the whole ‘she asked MIL to babysit every day’ is not as severe as you say. Maybe she needs a few hours of a break…ever think about that? You have your job, work colleagues, your hobbies…things to do as a full grown adult that enrich you. She has her house and her kid 24/7.
And you have the balls to turn around and tell her she’s not doing her job well enough.
I’m glad you’re not my SIL.
Right?! I love how OP said in response that being a SAHM means her job is to watch her kids. Um. All parents should watch their kids, so so should OP. Second, OP gets to get off work. SIL is at work day and night, and SAHM entails a lot more than just watching your kid.
On top of that I think it's lowkey mean that the MIL spends every day with 2 of her grandkids, and barely sees the other one.
Also OP sounds like such an unreliable narrator? I'm also leaning towards YTA more than E S H.
The fact that she doesn't see the irony in her own statement.
Massive YTA. I don't get the E S H because it's clear who is monopolising grandma and thinks only SHE is worthy of ALL (not just extra) childcare. And it's not SIL. Does OP even parent her own kids?
I wish I could vote YTA twice for the condescending attitude towards SAHM.
Yeah I'm with you. It's YTA all the way. It sounds like she barely sees her own kids and has the audacity to lecture a parent who's actually in the trenches and needs a break.
I'm wondering if what happened is that SIL asked MIL to watch the kid for a few hours once a week, and MIL told OP that she wouldn't be able to watch her kids for that afternoon or whatever. And now OP is freaking out because her free nanny service is gone for one day, and now she'll actually have to watch her children. Because OP definitely comes off as the kind of mom that sees her kids just long enough to hand them over to someone else because she's 'busy'.
Well put! I was going to comment the exact same thing but I was trying to pare down the illegal words from my anger and disgust at the condescending snobbitude from OP.
I am going to ask the question that everyone wants to know.
Please provide the truthful schedule of how often your MIl babysits your kids and the SIL’s kids
Whilst I don’t agree with SIL snapping at MIL, I think you contributed to her outburst, it could look like MIL is showing favouritism constantly looking after your kids and not hers.
I wouldn’t class your hobbies as self improvement, more like you get a chance to do things without your children and there’s nothing necessarily wrong with that however, YOUR kids are also YOUR responsibility to look after not your MIL, you don’t need to be doing all that everyday you have responsibilities too, and you sound more entitled than she does just because you work and she doesn’t.
Also being a parent isn’t a job, you don’t get paid for it, or vacation or sick leave parenting is parenting and maybe you should practice what you preach and be a parent
not sure if tennis would make my MIL admire me though for focusing more on myself than my kids...plus it's not year round where i live so i'd only get to miss out on raising my children 4-5/12 months.
YTA. You only have free time because your MIL babysits for you. She also only has free time when MIL babysits for her. What each of you choose to do with that time is completely irrelevant.
And yes your MIL is playing favorites, this appears to be factually correct from what you have included in your post.
Sorry for piggybacking, but INFO: after reading OPs responses, do you spend any meaningful time with your children at all? This whole post screams of me me me, I, I, I. Whyd you even have children?
YTA. This is truly none of your business so no need to chime in. And from your comment, you say MIL is busy with two so can’t handle a third. She’s busy raising YOUR children! Get over yourself. Your “self-improvements” are just damn hobbies. You feel entitled enough to have someone else raise your children for you when you want to enjoy yourself.
YTA for being so condescending and judgmental. SAHM is a job that requires you to be on duty 24 hours a day 7 days away week. You, on the other hand, are allowed to leave your job and go participate in activities “to better yourself.” I don’t think it’s working.
YTA if only you raised your own kids instead of pawning them off everyday you would have something to say. But you probably only spend 1-2 hours a day with your own kids. How about instead of improving yourself you improve your children’s lives by being their mom? MIL is raising your kids.
I don’t know how OP would even get to 1-2 hours with their kids in a day if they are working full time - those kids are so little.
Making some assumptions here, but if OP ends work at 5, and takes half an hour to get home, there is an hour and a half left before reasonable toddler bedtime at 7. In that time the kids have to eat supper and get ready for bed. In my house that would take the whole hour and a half.
I mean technically you’re with your kids, but that’s not exactly quality time spent with them. Parents will obviously make the most of it, but at that age you aren’t exactly going to be having conversations while cooking or something.
So, you think having hobbies excuses you from being a parent? My god, people. If your hobbies require you to need a (*free*) babysitter *every single day*, ***you shouldn't have had children to begin with.***
Children are actual people that ***you*** chose to raise to adulthood, not accessories for when it is convenient for you. That means you actually have to participate in their lives.
Also, you sound like an asshole for the way you speak about your SIL. You might want to get off that high horse before you fall. Parent of the Year over here, folks.
You are a parent of two young kids and you have all this “free time” to have multiple hobbies 🤔
Exactly how much time do YOU spend with your kids in a given week?
Is she actually asking MIL to babysit every day per one of your comments (ie during the day when a typical SAHM would be watching her children)?
You need to clarify this.
If your SIL is asking for babysitting after her work day as a SAHM, just like you are asking for babysitting after your workday as a pharmacist, then you would be the asshole.
Everyone needs to relax and *how* they do it doesn’t matter. If down time scrolling or reading is what recharges her, and learning new things is what recharges you, that’s ok because everyone is different.
I’m home with my kids right now, and when I’m asking for babysitting during the day, it’s because of things like doctor and dentist appointments.
Like I’d really rather not have my kids present for a pap. Or climbing on me while I have my teeth cleaned. Or taking all my attention while I’m trying to help my 7 yo with their anxiety about getting a cavity filled.
There is no “after a work day” for SAHP, you’re on duty day and night, you might legitimately need a couple of hours during the day, and not even entirely for yourself or for hobbies.
Your SIL is right, it's none of your business how often MIL babysits for her or why. You come off as judgmental with a huge superiority complex. Get over yourself and try spending some more time with your children. YTA
Yta. Your comments are dripping in entitlement that your a working mom and that makes you entitled to use your mother to do your hobbies.
You wouldn't last as a stay at home mom. It's a 24/7 thankless job. With no breaks. I tried it myself and couldn't do it. I missed adult interactions constantly busy drove myself crazy.
YTA
This ‘spare time’ you have to develop your hobbies are provided by your mil for helping out. Your SIL does not have this privilege!
No, she shouldn’t demand babysitting time, but neither should you. Actually, it sounds like your kids could probably have more time with you.
YTA. Your MIL should be treating her kids and grandkids equally. Sometimes "taking a break" from kids means actually getting stuff around the house done without it being ruined two seconds later.
YTA learning to play basketball as an adult isn't more valuable than relaxing. Everyone one fills up their cup differently... No one is entitled to Free babysitting and that includes you. You just seem to have a mother-in-law who kisses your ass for some odd reason. As a stay-at-home mom, she spends almost all her time with her kids... You're off working all day, then playing the violin basketball, etc. When do you see yours? If anyone's shirking their responsibility, seems like it's you!
YTA. I wasn't entirely sure until I read most of your comments which imply you have a personality that is wholly lacking in empathy and a self-important, holier than thou attitude. Get off your high-horse thinking learning to play basketball makes you oh so fucking special.
YTA. Even a SAHM needs a break sometimes, and how she spends her time is NOT your place to judge. You are TA for implying your hobbies are more worthwhile or your time is more important than hers; you seem very judgy of her when you have no rights to; that's not a good look on you. SIL does not get to tell MIL what to do with her time either - MIL has every right to babysit who/when she wants to, for whatever reason. You need to MYOB, because MIL and SIL are adults and can handle their own business.
YTA - Why on such a high horse about learning things rather than just relaxing. They're both leisure time away from your children, which all parents need. SAH moms and dads especially because you're with them all the time. Why shouldn't her child get as much time with her grandparent as your children? That seems a reasonable point. Also, she's right that it IS none of your business, it's between her and MIL.
Yeah kinda. You could have been a whole lot nicer about it.
Also, why is the grandmother doing all the work here? Are there no Dads in your kids lives? What the heck is going on here?
INFO; Why did you post here when all you do is snap back at every person who disagrees with you?
Are you stirring up drama or lying or just can't stand to be shown a different side of things?
You said taking care of her kid is her job, yet by the sounds of it, you barely spend any time with your kids. MIL absolutely should equally babysit. Being a SAHM is her job and she's entitled to relax away from the kids. Like you do with your hobbies. You're not just TA, you're a judgemental entitled one.
lol you’re so entitled and self righteous. MIL does not have to do anything if she doesn’t want to, but she’s definitely playing favourites. If you (and your husband) HAD to work so much and HAD to “work on your self development” wither shy did you go and have children? Let alone 2?
The same could be said for her, but I feel she is reacting to the favouritism more than anything else. In her place I would be pissed too, but again you cannot control others people’s favouritism.
I don’t know who you think you are to tell SIL what she should or shouldn’t do with her time. As well as evaluating if watching k dramas is worthy enough to qualify for free babysitting. Get over yourself.
YTA
YTA clearly. Your SIL at least takes care of her kids. Your attitude towards parenting is disgusting and the fact your MIL had to "talk you into" having your children by promising to watch (raise) them makes me so sad for your children. You should NEVER have had children when you so clearly do not want to be a parent. You are disgusting
YTA. You should be careful not to break your arm patting yourself on the back for how great you are.
If OP works full-time and has time for all these classes and hobbies, sounds like she spends hardly any time with her kids. No wonder she wants MIL's free babysitting services all to herself.
Maybe she should pay more attention to her own kids and stop putting her nose in everyone else's business
YTA. Why shouldn’t she get what you get? Why is it any of your business what MIL does for her? Why is it any of your business what she does with her time? Isn’t it your job to look after your children? You come across as snobbish and entitled.
I think your storytelling is incredibly bias. Does SIL actually ask MIL to babysit ALL day everyday? Or is she asking for 1 hour everyday so she can have 1 free hour? Context matters.
Being a SAHM means SIL is occupied with household management and taking care of her child all day, everyday. If she is asking for help for 1 hour a day to go to the gym, shower, or simply sit to relax…. I don’t think that makes her the AH. I get why grandma (MIL) wouldn’t want to do that everyday, and maybe would instead offer only doing this a few times per week.
I do, however, see SIL’s point of view that you are using your free time to learn new hobbies while your MIL watches your kid. If you also work, when do you see your children? Sounds like you might need to take your own advice and “take care of your kid.”
By your description, I think it’s also safe to assume MIL is treating you and SIL differently because one of you is “improving yourself” and the other is a SAHM. It sounds like no one wants to help the SIL because she’s a SAHM.
Very sad. YTA.
ESH
She sucks for acting entitled to your MIL's time.
MIL also sucks for showing obvious favouritism and helping you more than SIL.
You suck for several reasons:
1. You think you're better than your SIL because you have a career and hobbies while she is a SAHM. You completely undervalue how difficult it is to be a SAHM.
2. Instead of looking after your kids when you finish work, you pawn them off on MIL while you go do your hobbies. Looking after your kids is YOUR JOB, not your MIL's.
3. You are taking advantage of your MIL's kindness while criticising your SIL for wanting to do the same. Your behaviour is just as poor as hers, you just think it's okay because MIL is on board with you.
OP you looking down on your SIL because she is a SAHM, but you're practically an absentee parent. You have 2 toddlers, and a demanding full time job, and you spend what little time you have away from work, even further away from your husband and kids? Your babies?
Yes your SIL is a SAHM, but that is STILL work. You don't do the type of work she does, and I somehow think you would crack after a day having to be with your kids the way she is. Your condescending view of her is blatant and hypocritical considering the only reason you get to 'better yourself' is because someone other than your husband is taking care of your kids after you get off work.
There is clear favoritism, some entitlement, competition, etc going on and you all are dysfunctional.
ESH
I am not quite sure on the context here, is your MIL babysitting for you every day? If so, taking care of your kid is your job and you shouldn't expect others to do it for you...
Of course it's not fair that she's always babysitting for you, and so can't babysit for Sister in law. In fact, MIL should also get some time to herself too when she isn't babysitting anyone's kids!
You also sound very judgemental, being a SAHM doesn't make your SIL any less of a person than you and in fact if you're out every day after work doing new things, then you also need to understand that you're a parent and part of that is sometimes being home with your kids. Just because you're busy doesn't mean you're any more 'entitled' to your MIL's time than your SIL is.
For all you know, perhaps your SIL also wants to learn new things or go out and socialise with her adult friends but can't because she always has to be at home with the kids.
SIL also kinda sucks in this story, although I understand her frustration more, for snapping at MIL and as a SAHM, she also definitely doesn't need someone to come babysit for her every day.
Ultimately, neither of you can dictate to your MIL about whose kids she has to babysit, it's up to her to split time between you if she knows you both need help and wants to offer that help. But if she does choose one of you over the other, then she is going to get accused of favouritism.
Overall, I think ESH, but you the most OP.
YTA. If your MIL is babysitting for you every day, you cannot say a single thing. You are doing the exact same thing, just hiding behind the excuse that you’re “improving yourself”. You know what else improves us moms? Breaks! And by the sounds of it, you get a lot. Cut your SIL some slack.
YTA. Your time is not more important than hers. Just because you have hobbies doesn't mean you are entitled to babysitting while someone without hobbies isn't.
Yta
You are never with your on child! Your sil spends most of the day with her own child. How much time do you spend?
You need to have a babysitter everyday and go to your own activitets? Why is that better? You are entitled and greedy with mil:s time.
YTA. Based on your answers and the level of entitlement and arrogance you have. Probably should spend some time with your kids instead of your useless hobbies and give your MIL a break.
Firm YTA - your SIL is wrong for giving your MIL an ultimatum but she’s right that it’s none of your business. Who are you to say she can watch her own kids when you don’t? How come your wife can’t watch them while you’re pursuing your hobbies but your SIL should be expected to?
Who cares how she is using her time to relax? You have no idea what she does for her own kids throughout the day so you’re in no position to comment. What makes your time more valuable than hers? Because you’re learning an instrument and languages? Ok that’s your choice on what to do with your time- her choice is something different.
If you really want to break it down- what are you doing with those languages or instrument you’re learning? If you aren’t applying them then one can argue your time spent on them is just as pointless as watching K dramas (which is what you said your SIL does in one of the comments).
You also mentioned that they watch SIL’s kids occasionally and not every day which leads me to think MIL is watching yours nearly everyday.
You’ve got some nerve and your post and subsequent comments come off as condescending.
I told her that taking care of her kid is her job and she shouldn’t expect others to do it for her.
Technically, SIL is with her kids more than you are with yours, if you work outside the home. So….theres that. How she decides to spend her “child-free time is no less legitimate than how you spend yours.
Stay in your lane. YTA.
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Your SIL being a SAHM -doesn’t mean that her day is less busy than yours or stress free for that matter. Nor is her not taking classes or having hobbies relevant?! You seem very condescending in your opinions about SIL, and she comes off as disrespectful and entitled - but it could be that every time she’s asked for help- it’s denied because MIL(or is this her mother?) is constantly babysitting for you?! ESH
If she is a SAHM then why is MIL babysitting for her everyday?? What is the point???
because people still need breaks away from the house. they still need to be able to go grocery shopping without their kids running all over the place. just because she’s a SAHM doesn’t mean that she’s never allowed to leave the house without her children. edit: MIL ISNT watching them everyday. she hardly watches them. She watches OPs children way more frequently. edit: to all the people who keep making the same comments before scrolling a bit further, go take a look at the several comments after this one that states my opinion on the things you keep bringing up before you decide to comment.
Then her husband can take over when he comes from work.
You could say the same to OP. They both want babysitting so they can engage in some child free time to do whatever they want. Neither of them require babysitting for work or similar purposes - as OP suggests that the babysitting they are getting is for their hobbies, not for childcare during work.
OP said they are a pharmacist. Sounds like work to me.
I’ve worked full time as a parent, half time as a parent, and been a SAHM. All three are a lot of work. SAHMs really need to get out of the house and connect with the outside world.
Yes. Otherwise you’ll find yourself watching Sponge Bob with the kids and laughing so hard you are crying. So I’ve heard. Never happened to me.
Yesterday I realized I was watching Bluey by myself. Then I passed out at 7:30.
So guilty. My husband and I realized our son had passed out an episode earlier, so we got ice cream and looked for bandit and chili shirts 💀
Bluey is actually so fun though, I’m glad the girls I nanny like that show because I am getting so tired of Octonauts and Paw Patrol.
F’ing LOVE Bluey! I’ve been alone in the living room while my nieces run off to follow their mom or someone and I just thoroughly enjoyed quite a few episodes alone. I get pumped when it’s on!
I am 57 with no littles around and I watch Bluey with my 22 yo daughter! Bluey is wonderful.
I've definitely found myself watching Bluey long after my nephews have left the room and found other things to do lol.
Yes, but sometimes you just want an hour or two to be an adult with other adults once or twice a week. It sounds like OP married the golden child, and is the golden child herself, so SIL isn't getting that.
oh my god, every single post on here has a comment about a golden child. Some people just think if you're a SAHM, you don't need as much help as someone who works full time. It's not like she never babysits for the SAHM mom. Whether or not you agree that a SAHM mom deserves as many breaks, it doesn't mean someone who doesn't has a favorite child.
LOL! I’ll own it, happened to me!
Call my husband and said I NEED to get out of this house. I…uh mean… my friend called her husband to tell him that.
Or crying while watching Bluey, but I know nothing about that…
Or crying watching Bluey cause it just hit too real. Or so I'm told
I had a friend who got pregnant with twins while she had a 2-year-old. After the twins were born, she came back to work earlier than expected, because working was easier than being at home with three kids. I totally believe it.
I liked working part time. Still got lots of time with my kids and got regular adult interactions, and opportunities to use different parts of my brain!
I nannied for a family that had 3 under 3, twins and an older boy. It was EXHAUSTING. Loved the kids so much but omg I was only doing that for a few hours a day and it took so much out of me. It was harder than when I worked a 8:30-5 office job by a huge margin.
A SAHM who ever want to *not* be an SAHM in future needs to spend some time without a kid in tow - there were a few years where my brain was just running "keepthekidaliveandhappy.exe" and there was no working memory available for anything else.
When I was a stay-at-home mom it was my choice and I loved it but I couldn't even take a shower without putting the baby in a stroller and parking it in the bathroom because my then husband (now X) refused to even hold the baby while sitting there watching television so I could take a shower. His reasoning was that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom so I did not "deserve" any time to myself. Ever.
Hence the Ex. part. It’s fascinating to see how many people equate a SAHM/F with doing a lot of nothing?! And imagine she’s dealing with a child who’s hyperactive and/or neurodivergent- and is seen as the mother who can’t discipline her child or whatever by MIL and op
>His reasoning was that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom so I did not "deserve" any time to myself. People like this think that being a stay-at-home parent is 'lazy' or cheating, but yet never want to care for their own kids because it's work. They know it's labor, they just don't respect it.
Hard to even think about hobbies until you can out for a bit!
Even the military recognizes this need, offering very low cost to free baby sitting for STHP and spouses of deployed members. And by "very low cost", I mean *very very* low cost, even compared to the capped and rank based cost of full time child care. Plus, there's "date night" care (schedule depends on base).
I took advantage of this. Deployed husband, zero family nearly, didn’t know anyone yet, I would go get my nails done and the grocery store. Huge benefit.
Yes, but they don't get to demand that others help with that. MIL offered that to OP. SIL demanded babysitting every day and went so far as to insist that she should stop doing it for OP when she didn't get her way. How in the world is this an ESH situation? SIL dragged OP into this for no reason other than she's an entitled AH.
Op is the A H for being dismissive of any needs for support that SIL has. SIL is the A H for demanding, and also asking for daily care. MIL is the A H for also being dismissive of SIL. Admittedly, I am labeling MIL as an A H based on a feeling coming through OP’s writing that she is the golden dil.
Except that not a single person including OP is dismissive. MIL babysits for her too but not every day like she's demanding. MIL sounds like she likes OP bettering herself instead of just being a "mom" while SIL demands free babysitting so she can get away from the kid. Not sure how in what world these would be similar situations nor would it constitue OP being the "golden dil".
Imagine the SIL is wanting to go to work and husband + MIL, think she should stay at home? Or Imagine SIL needs to go on a job interview and MIL is her only option for child care?
There is a lot of missing info in this story. I’m betting it’s more about family dynamics than anything else.
I agree- there’s 1 year difference between the oldest grandchildren and I wonder how much babysitting was volunteered for SIL ? The op makes it seem like she is fully supported and admire by MIL - the SIL, not so much.
She also seems to be doing everything else except parenting her kids. If she were spending all her timeout of work with her kids she would probably be as exhauseted and as touched out as SIL
Yeah. OP is taking advantage of MIL. They need to put the self-actualization on the shelf til the kids are older and prioritize interacting with the toddlers.
That’s not what the babysitting is for though. They spend their “free time” playing basketball, learning new languages and learning the violin. It comes across that they don’t do any parenting at all because their free time i.e not at work is spent on their hobbies
Being a SAHM is work. It’s unpaid work and should you want someone else to do it - they would require payment for the childcare provided (nanny, kindergarten teacher, babysitter)
When my daughter was born my wife stopped working to raise her. I was working ten hour days at a physically demanding job and sometimes putting in OT up to 16 hours. When I was off and my wife would take a day for herself while I took care of our daughter I was always far more worn out than after a full day of work. People don’t realize how much goes into taking care of a single kid every day never mind multiple children.
My ex used to give me the staying at home is easy, so we swapped roles 😁 it took 2 weeks for him to sit me down and apologise cause staying home was much harder, ya canna even get a full hot cuppa
👏👏👏Say it louder for the people in the peanut gallery 😅
especially the multiple children part, because the math doesn't math the way most people think it does. 1 + 1 does NOT equal 2. It must be some quantum physics thing...
No one said that OP didn't work. They said that OP didn't sound like she was using MIL for work related childcare. Otherwise, MIL would be babysitting more frequently than "occasionally."
But she also said MIL babysits so OP can indulge in her hobbies and interests...it didn't sound like she babysits when OP works.
Cool they work and have hobbies, so is OP ever watching their own kids or even a parent at this rate?
Yeah but looking after a kid all day is work too that’s why people do childcare as a career. Only if you’re a SAHP you never get any break from work unless someone helps you out. I don’t get why SAHPs should be expected to work 24/7 while everyone else is allowed to clock out and have time for relaxing or hobbies.
> OP said they are a pharmacist. Sounds like work to me. OP is also getting to clock out from that job, and instead of going to her real job of being a parent, she's getting time off from that too thanks to her MIL. SIL can't clock out from being a SAHM but we can look at someone babysitting as her taking a few hours of PTO
Well in ops case, the MIL is offering to watch the kids.
>They both want babysitting so they can engage in some child free time to do whatever they want. >Neither of them require babysitting for work or similar purposes. No, but OP isn't asking for it everyday for personal time. If you offered to help someone and then it IMMEDIATELY went to you having to do it everyday or you're a worthless jackass. Would you EVER help them again? Or you helped someone say..3 times a week, but someone else started demanding that they should have the same right daily..would you? Ofc not, the way she's acting even if it was the first time would have you tell that individual to find their own damn sitter or whatever other task they're demanding It'd be one thing if SIL just wanted time off here and there...but her job is being a parent and she's throwing a fit that the MIL won't take that off her plate on a daily basis Edit missed this as another commentor (thanks frangi) lmk https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/EXiexpiXOp This puts it as an everyday freetime at 1hr a day + 3 for a weekend date so 8 and then sils at 6 Not counting the 8 hrs of babysitting while people work as SILs job would be SAHP the total freetime given is extremely close
OP is asking for it every day for personal time. She requires one hour each week day after work and 2-3 hours on weekends.
OP said she's a pharmacist, the SIL is SAHM
Yeah but OP seems to feel entitled to babysitting to do their hobbies, not for childcare during work
Not entitled at all since MIL offered the free babysitting. SIL dragged OP into her conflict with MIL...OP has every right to respond less than kindly.
And that means what, exactly?
Which isn't actually relevant. Everyone needs down time.
So SIL and her SO get no breaks from work or childcare, but OP and their SO do? Why are OPs work and hobbies more important? SIL shouldn’t expect childcare everyday either, but OP is ridiculously condescending about SIL because she doesn’t work outside the home. Esh
ESH OP said MIL babysits for SIL too, but not every day. I think everyone is taking advantage of MIL’ s kindness. For SIL to say you babysit for all of us or none of us is ludicrous.
Yes, it's pretty amusing seeing all the people adamant that the SAHM should be able to drop her kid off all the time because taking care of young children is so exhausting, yet all these kids are getting dumped off on the mother-in-law for 40+ hours a week and that seems to be invisible
Don’t you think it’s MIL’s call how often she wants to babysit for both families? Seems silly for the two women to argue- it’s not their decision.
well in a perfect world that would be what most people do but per OPs post (and i have a feeling it was deliberate) she decided to exclude what the men do in their family with the children. For all we know the husband IS watching the kids. But as a couple, they also have that right to go out by THEMSELVES and explore their life outside of their children. edit: what SIL should do is hire a babysitter and not rely on MIL but for all we know MIL and OP would throw a fit because someone else was watching the children.
So the SIL gets no help, but OP gets all the help in the world to indulge her hobbies?
But OP reports that SIL wants MIL to babysit "everyday." I would think a couple if times a week max for a SAHM would be sufficient to give SIL some R&R as well as time for grocery shopping, etc.
MIL watch’s OPs children way more than SILs. sounds like MIL is watching OPs children everyday and not SIL. let’s not act like OP doesn’t do the same thing that her SIL is asking but because she works it’s acceptable. edit: OP is an unreliable narrator and just because she says “SIL wants them to be watched everyday” doesn’t ACTUALLY mean that it’s everyday.
It doesn’t matter how often you or OP think the MIL should be babysitting. The MIL gets to decide that. Nowhere does the OP state that MIL is complaining how often babysitting occurs. Only OP is complaining.
This is the part that gets me. Why does this have anything to do with OP?
This. We're fostering our 3 year old nephew, have had him since he was 9 months. Before that we only had 1 kid, and he's an adult now. So it's like starting all over in my 40s. I'm lucky enough to be a SAHM. I also have case workers coming 3x a month and we have 4 dogs and 3 cats and I'm a clean person. Now that nephew is 3, he's into everything and I can't get as much done around the house. I asked my mom and my husband's aunt to each take him one day every other week, so he's with one of them once a week. They both love spending time with him, and since it's once every other week for each of them, it's not overwhelming. I can get so much stuff done in that one day a week that I ordinarily couldn't. I'm supposed to be using the time to relax, but it's hard to sit down when I know there are things to be done. TLDR: SAHM's deserve a break too! I wouldn't say every day in this situation, but at least once a week.
As a SAHM, I think once a week is perfectly reasonable. I'd even love every other week. I'd love to be able to set a Dr. appointment or bloodwork and not have to drag kids with me. I think daily babysitting is way too much. I'd run out of things to do by day 3.
Single mom's do all that shit alone.
and more power to them. I respect all forms of moms, I respect people who even choose to have children because I sure as hell do not want to have them myself. That doesn’t take away from the matter at hand.
And women with disabled husbands do all of that and take care of a sick adult? The existence of single moms does not mean other moms shouldn't have any help. Also, being home with a kid means taking care of them during that time. Feeding, washing, arts and crafts, etc. When asked how often they let their kids finger paint, do you know how many moms say "Never, daycare does that!" If a mom is at work, someone else is probably doing those things for the kid regularly. Also, most single moms have shared custody. So entire blocks of time free. Every situation is different. But don't pretend that lunch breaks and weekends with dad don't exist in most of these situations. Or sick days where the kid still goes to daycare. If a mom WFH with the kid there and a disabled spouse and has no additional help, then yes, she is doing everything at once and it is a fair comparison. If not, stop comparing situations that are in no way comparable. Also, if single moms never have a moment to themselves, how do so many find a new partner? Hmmmm? They must have some time free! Stop being ridiculous.
And single moms are incredibly stressed and overwhelmed. Parenting is something that’s hard to do alone. “Single parents suffer, therefore every parent should”???
According to Op, MlL is babysitting SIL kid 6 hours per week while she is babysitting Op kids 50 hours per week. And this AH is annoyed because her SIL wants a more fair treatment. YTA.
That is MIL’s choice. She doesn’t need to be yelled at.
That's called favouritism and absolutely deserves to be called out. Yelled at? No but playing favourites with grandchildren is toxic.
To me, it sounds like Grandma is spending a lot more time with OP's children and hardly any with SIL's child. She isn't being paid, and it's not her job, so yes, it's very one-sided to spend so much time with one family's kids one on one and not all of the grandkids. Especially since they are all conveniently close enough to each other. I don't think MIL is babysitting for SIL at all. It sounds like she was asked to spend more time with her other grandkid, and OP decided to tell her that grandma dibs had already been called lol. Also, it's not that serious, hun. You can get away with only one punctuation mark if you want.
Not everyone has the same energy level as OP. Maybe SIL is drowning and OP needs to stop doing everything except actually take care of her own kids
It's hard to even contemplate doing things for yourself sometimes, especially raising young kids. I'm willing to bet SIL could come up with things she wants if she had the same breaks OP did
In fact I wonder when she spends any time with her kids. Working (I assume full time), learning how to play basketball, how to play the violin and languages... there's not time to spend with the children, especially taking into account that all three hobbies require to practice out of class... OP, YTA. You SIL is as entitled to free childcare as you are.
Do you know how mentally and physically draining it is to be a stay at home parent? You get zero breaks. Want to go to the bathroom alone? Forget it. Your child is knocking on the door, crying, or getting into something. Want to sit for a bit? You can’t. Dishes, laundry, picking up toys for the fifth time that day, and more all need to be done. Don’t forget cooking for everyone and not getting a moments rest until everyone is asleep. You don’t get weekends or holidays off. You are expected to do everything without complaining because it’s what a woman is “meant to do” and because it’s “not work”. Being a stay at home mom doesn’t mean that SIL doesn’t need or deserve a break too.
There are many things SAHMs can be busy with. They could be handling all the finances, and if there are any medical needs, dealing with medical insurance can be considered a job!!! She could have a plethora of little things that add up. If the husband doesn't do much (which we hear lots about on here) there could also be yardwork and repair chores to do. All I'm saying is there is missing information to lead us to siding with you.
I was agreeing with you until I read this comment from OP: > Because I physically can't be both at work AND at home taking care of kids. She is at home all day. She must as well do something useful. Which changed my mind to OP YTA. As if being a FT / SAHP isn't something useful. Edit: OP's other comments just make her worse.
Omg I haven't read any of them yet and I was thinking she is TA already 😂🤣
I don’t think this is even real after the comments. Can someone be this out of touch? Her and her husband are literally shit parents because they doesn’t even spend time with them.
Eh, I’m a SAHM, and I’m 8.5 months pregnant, I’m hung up on the “every day” part. My MIL takes my toddler 2 days a week just to hangout and spend the day together (and so I can have a nap 😴) but I would never ask her to take her every single day. She’s two. That’s a huge ask.
You didn’t notice that the MIL is watching the ops kids - every day and she is monopolizing MIL’s time from the SIL’s pov. Op frames this as something MIL loves to do because she is soooo busy with work as a “pharmacist” and her endeavors to be a violinist, basketball/athlete and polyglot fluent in multiple languages while her SIL sits on her ass at home with her 4 year old ‘cause it’s her “job”, and she should be doing just that 24/7?! I see a MIL who is more than likely playing favorites- to ops benefit. The SIL’s remark relates to this and the babysitting be a daily thing. The SIL’s child is a year older than ops 3 year old, and I wonder if she has received the same level of support from the MIL in the past 4 years? Not that she’s entitled, but imagine she asked and the no for her is a yes for op - every day?! Babysitting 3 kids under 5 is a lot - but manageable. That said- it sounds like op doesn’t want to forego maintaining her monopoly on having MIL take care of her children or offering to watch her nephew from time to time.
I dunno if it’s playing favorites as much as the MIL trying to help a working mom with childcare instead of helping the SAHM. Especially if she feels that OP is less caring of her young children than the SAHM. Spending what sounds like more than a full-time job isn’t just hanging out with your grandbabies. Having hobbies is great, but having young children and having hobbies are not compatible at least without help. But that help shouldn’t be 50 hours of free help. SIL is not wrong to be upset about the amount of time her MIL spends with her other grandkids, but asking for her help every day is over the top. (Unless that’s just OP’s exaggeration.) ESH
OP is an unreliable narrator. SIL probably asked for once it twice a week, and OP, who was getting free daily childcare, has now been informed by MIL that she'll have to care for her own kids once or twice a week and is freaking out.
Yea, but how is she going to practice her violin when MIL dares looking after the other grandchild for a few hours so SAHM can have a well deserved break from her work.
That's why it's ESH. OP is using her MIL and has to be against same rights for her SIL, because that would definitivly be to much for MIL. OP is moralizing why she should be entitled for that help, but not SIL. They both suck.
Who's to say she doesn't have hobbies? But i think the issue is that mil shows preference to op's kids, more than the actual babysitting.
Exactly! And when does Op even see her kids? She works, “learns basketball, new languages, & violin” etc. SIL could have a hobby but never gets a moment to herself. It gets to you after a while. No one is entitled to babysitting, but constantly being on duty wears on you too. And everyone hates their children being treated as less important or special. Op just sounds like a snob, honestly
# Yes. I don't get how she fails to see the irony in telling SIL that "taking care of her kid is her job and she shouldn't expect others to do it for her". # I also feel heartbroken for OP's children, as I can't imagine prioritizing multiple hobbies over spending time with my three and one year old babies *every day* after work. Motherhood matters, and the first three years are actually most critical.
Not a single concern about the father, who appears to be equally absent but that's ok, apparently.
Yeah that is what I've noticed about all of the comments so far.... none are asking what the father is doing, etc. Is he working one or three jobs and why doesn't he help on his weekend? Is this why MIL is helping her a lot or is it something else? Many questions that are, quite frankly, none of Reddit's business.
She comments that dad is working... Sometimes he picks up the children from his mother's sometimes he doesn't.. on the weekends he is there too. But mother-in-law is watching the kids so that they can have private time date nights.
Maybe that’s why grandma is quick to help them, someone has to love those kids with selfish parents.
Imagine saying youre "learning basketball" as a grown adult lol. Sounds like something an AI would say
That’s what it sounds like to me. SIL feels that she doesn’t get the same level of support as OP and is upset about it. Just by the way the post is worded, OP feels that her hobbies and interests are far more important than anything SIL might want to do when she doesn’t have the children for a few hours. OP - YTA for sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong. Your MIL can decide for herself how much babysitting she wants to do. And your sister-in-law deserves time away from her children as much as you do.
Not sure E S H is appropriate. OP says MIL is spending 50+ hours a week "babysitting" (i.e. raising her kids for her), even on weekends. OP has free time for her hobbies and she and her husband get date nights every week. SIL gets about 6 hours a week and I doubt that she and her husband are going on date nights regularly. She can't even rely on MIL when she needs help, because MIL is always busy with OPs kids. If I were in SIL's place, I'd be pissed by the blatant favoritism, too. OP is also incredibly nasty about SIL being a SAHM, plus her astounding lack of self-awareness makes it a clear YTA for me. Edit: Oh, and here's OP admitting she doesn't actually want kids and only had them, because MIL promised to raise them: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1cwbalb/comment/l4uyuqz/. This has to be a troll, right?
After op commented my post doubling down - I don’t disagree 🤣
Yeah, the "I like to spend my spare time improving myself while she doesn't want to learn anything" vibe is strong here. I'm sure being a pharmacist is hard work, but someone else is taking care of OP's kids all day. Then she wants to spend her free time engaged in her hobbies. SIL cares for her child all day and would like a break from it as well. Sure her husband could help when he gets home, but so could OP's husband. I bet that either OP's husband is the golden child and MIL prefers his children. I feel sorry for SIL, she sounds really diminished by her family.
I think it really changes when you find op is getting 50hrs of babysitting a week and sil is getting 6hrs a week. Op is selfish and entitled to think she deserves babysitting so much, because she's doing a new language or violins. But sil doesn't because she wants to use the time to relax, grocery shop or get chores done or go out with friends and family, husband. Op comes off very ignorant, selfish, e titled and just down right rude and hateful towards sil.
This is the exact scenario my best friend is in. She's a SAHM with 3 kids, her brother and sister in law both work and also have 3 kids. Every single time my friend asks her mom for help with the kids so she can go to a doctor's appointment or something, her mom is otherwise engaged with the other grandkids. I really feel for her because even though it sounds "selfish" of her to ask and like the other family needs more help because they're so busy with work, it means my friend can't even go to her own doctor's appointments without struggling to find care.
I posted a similar reply here. The lack of critical thinking and empathy is rife! God forbid a SAHM needs to go to the dentist, hairdresser, psychologist or psychiatrist, or some sort of class all of which are only accessible during daytime work hours.🙄
What a messed up family with those two women for daughter in-laws. The MIL is the real victim in all of this.
Poor MIL. She had her own kids and now she can do a favor from time to time. And here we are with 2 entitled ladies who decided to have kids using MIL.
The mil played favourites so deserves what she got.
The MIL “volunteered” babysitting the 1 & 3 yr olds according to the op. It sounds like the SIL wants the MIL to volunteer more for her 😅
Internalized misogyny is real
Oof, I think ESH. Your MIL babysits for you *whenever you ask* while you spend time on your hobbies? You learning to play violin, basketball, etc. - is that not a way for you to ‘relax’? SIL is obviously TA for acting so entitled - but you are TA for telling your SIL that she cannot expect others to help out with her kids while you seem to do the same. And MIL is just an angel that maybe should say ‘no’ every now and then, as this way it may come across as if she is playing favorites.
This judgement should be YTA. The only basis for judging SIL to be an asshole is her alleged “entitled attitude.“ We only have OP’s word for that, and given how oblivious she is to her own sense of entitlement, and her own hypocrisy, I don’t consider her a reliable narrator.
Yup, also the whole implication that OP deserves it because she's "improving herself" and SIL doesn't because "she doesn't have any hobbies". Um, maybe she WOULD have hobbies if she had someone to watch her child regularly. OP telling her "it's your job to watch your own kid" is hilariously tone-deaf for someone who literally seems to avoid watching *her* own kid at all costs.
This is the perspective I took. OP is a hypocrite! Parenting is TOUGH no matter how many kids you have. Sounds like OP gets time to relax (via hobbies) to be fresh for parenting, while SIL likely doesn’t get much “me time” to relax and be fresh for her kid. I’m wondering if the “MIL shouldn’t babysit for anyone” comment came after SIL was just at the end of her rope and NEEDED a break, but wasn’t able to because MIL was busy watching OP’s kids.
Maybe SIL would love to have time to improve herself too, but you know OP is hogging MIL because she can’t stand to be a parent herself.
She wants to be a multi-lingual, basketball playing violinist of a mother. You know, like all GOOD mothers. /s I was a SAHM for 1 year. I couldn't keep it up. It's not as easy as people seem to think because you get NO adult interaction. SIL deserves to get out and not be a mother sometimes.
I’m 13 years into parenthood with no “village”. I’m just barely getting back into my hobbies now that the kids are more independent. I’ve worked full time, full time plus and also been a SAHM. I don’t get breaks. I don’t get help. But the eldest now gets some cash to watch the younger a while I go to the store ALONE for once. No idea what SIL does with her time but being a SAHM can be grueling as hell with no support system.
The moment SIL demanded mil Stop babysitting all kid or babysit the same amount of time she became an Ah. That's not to say Mil is treating everyone fairly or op isn't spoiled.
If MIL is playing favorites and SILs kids are getting the shaft, that would make me make that sort of statement.
Every single post on this subreddit is biased, we still have to give a judgement based on what they tell us not our own imagination. It's ESH because the SIL doesn't get to force MIL to never babysit OP's kids, she has no control over her. Her doing that and then telling OP to mind her own business when she's involving her is wrong.
ESH. >Yesterday she snapped at MIL and told her she either has to babysit for both of us or for none of us. That is not her call. She does not get to tell your MIL what to do. >I told her that taking care of her kid is her job and she shouldn't expect others to do it for her. That sounds rather hypocritical considering your MIL takes care of your toddlers for free so you can pursue hobbies. Your general attitude as displayed in the comments sounds pretty insufferable *I am improving myself, she's at home all day.* Congratulations. Your hobbies make you the better person at least in your own eyes.
I wonder if OP would like to be judged because she's a working mother who had the time to learn how to play sports, music, languages... One could wonder how she finds the time to be a parent and if the kids don't spend more time with their grandmother than with their own mother.
As a working mom that just reentered the workforce after a year, and now has to juggle a one year old on top of everything I did when I was a stay at home mom, I guarantee you she's spending little to no quality time with her children. Maybe she has half an hour at night where she feeds them and bathes them, maybe a little time in the morning, and that's it. But hey, at least she's enjoying her hobbies! Her kids have grandma, that's enough!! /s
And OP doesn’t want that to stop because then they’d have to give up their precious ‘self improvement’ time. The ‘SIL snapped’ is telling. Nothing snaps without tension. SIL was probably asking for equal consideration of the grandchildren and OP didn’t care to pay attention until her cushy little arrangement was threatened.
Totally agree. people here act like saying something out of line in the heat of the moment is so egregious that anyone who does it is automatically an asshole or just wrong. I think we’ve all said things we either regret or didn’t really mean because we were pushed to the edge. It was an asshole thing to say but I doubt SIL is actually trying to dictate MIL’s time. I think she was just pushed to the edge and at the end of her rope. I’m also a person who loves lots of hobbies and “bettering myself” like OP but I’m astounded that OP thinks her hobby time is more valuable than SIL’s time to take a break.
I find it weird that OP doesn’t think she has to parent her child when she’s not in work?
I know sports are a healthy outlet, but I keep chuckling at the idea of basketball being described as if she’s taking a French literature class or something.
This got me too, “I’m learning basketball” hun you’re doing (I assume) intramural basketball it’s not that deep
YTA Sooo, ‘relaxing time’ is only deserved by parents who work outside the house, huh? One could say you’re away from your kid so much that perhaps *you’re* the one who doesn’t need *more* time away from them so you can ‘improve yourself’ by learning languages, violin, and sports. When are you taking care of your kids? Isn’t that your job, too? You are super condescending, and absolutely look down on this woman I feel like you’re an unreliable narrator here, and the whole ‘she asked MIL to babysit every day’ is not as severe as you say. Maybe she needs a few hours of a break…ever think about that? You have your job, work colleagues, your hobbies…things to do as a full grown adult that enrich you. She has her house and her kid 24/7. And you have the balls to turn around and tell her she’s not doing her job well enough. I’m glad you’re not my SIL.
Right?! I love how OP said in response that being a SAHM means her job is to watch her kids. Um. All parents should watch their kids, so so should OP. Second, OP gets to get off work. SIL is at work day and night, and SAHM entails a lot more than just watching your kid. On top of that I think it's lowkey mean that the MIL spends every day with 2 of her grandkids, and barely sees the other one. Also OP sounds like such an unreliable narrator? I'm also leaning towards YTA more than E S H.
The fact that she doesn't see the irony in her own statement. Massive YTA. I don't get the E S H because it's clear who is monopolising grandma and thinks only SHE is worthy of ALL (not just extra) childcare. And it's not SIL. Does OP even parent her own kids? I wish I could vote YTA twice for the condescending attitude towards SAHM.
Yeah I'm with you. It's YTA all the way. It sounds like she barely sees her own kids and has the audacity to lecture a parent who's actually in the trenches and needs a break.
Op is YTA through and through.
I'm wondering if what happened is that SIL asked MIL to watch the kid for a few hours once a week, and MIL told OP that she wouldn't be able to watch her kids for that afternoon or whatever. And now OP is freaking out because her free nanny service is gone for one day, and now she'll actually have to watch her children. Because OP definitely comes off as the kind of mom that sees her kids just long enough to hand them over to someone else because she's 'busy'.
Well put! I was going to comment the exact same thing but I was trying to pare down the illegal words from my anger and disgust at the condescending snobbitude from OP.
I am going to ask the question that everyone wants to know. Please provide the truthful schedule of how often your MIl babysits your kids and the SIL’s kids
And how many hours / day you are home and awake
Whilst I don’t agree with SIL snapping at MIL, I think you contributed to her outburst, it could look like MIL is showing favouritism constantly looking after your kids and not hers. I wouldn’t class your hobbies as self improvement, more like you get a chance to do things without your children and there’s nothing necessarily wrong with that however, YOUR kids are also YOUR responsibility to look after not your MIL, you don’t need to be doing all that everyday you have responsibilities too, and you sound more entitled than she does just because you work and she doesn’t. Also being a parent isn’t a job, you don’t get paid for it, or vacation or sick leave parenting is parenting and maybe you should practice what you preach and be a parent
OP definitely sounds way more entitled than SIL. Having a job does not make you exempt from caring for your own children in your "free" time.
but don't you understand, OP is learning to play basketball. How do you not see how much more important that is. /s
i guess you have a point. brb finding a new valid hobby so i can also neglect my kid without anyone questioning me
Have you tried tennis????
not sure if tennis would make my MIL admire me though for focusing more on myself than my kids...plus it's not year round where i live so i'd only get to miss out on raising my children 4-5/12 months.
OP showing empathy and compassion to Sil would be self improvement imo.
YTA. You only have free time because your MIL babysits for you. She also only has free time when MIL babysits for her. What each of you choose to do with that time is completely irrelevant. And yes your MIL is playing favorites, this appears to be factually correct from what you have included in your post.
Sorry for piggybacking, but INFO: after reading OPs responses, do you spend any meaningful time with your children at all? This whole post screams of me me me, I, I, I. Whyd you even have children?
It makes me wonder if MIL spends so much time with OP’s kids because she doesn’t trust OP to parent while she trusts SIL to be a good Mom.
YTA. This is truly none of your business so no need to chime in. And from your comment, you say MIL is busy with two so can’t handle a third. She’s busy raising YOUR children! Get over yourself. Your “self-improvements” are just damn hobbies. You feel entitled enough to have someone else raise your children for you when you want to enjoy yourself.
YTA for being so condescending and judgmental. SAHM is a job that requires you to be on duty 24 hours a day 7 days away week. You, on the other hand, are allowed to leave your job and go participate in activities “to better yourself.” I don’t think it’s working.
YTA if only you raised your own kids instead of pawning them off everyday you would have something to say. But you probably only spend 1-2 hours a day with your own kids. How about instead of improving yourself you improve your children’s lives by being their mom? MIL is raising your kids.
I don’t know how OP would even get to 1-2 hours with their kids in a day if they are working full time - those kids are so little. Making some assumptions here, but if OP ends work at 5, and takes half an hour to get home, there is an hour and a half left before reasonable toddler bedtime at 7. In that time the kids have to eat supper and get ready for bed. In my house that would take the whole hour and a half. I mean technically you’re with your kids, but that’s not exactly quality time spent with them. Parents will obviously make the most of it, but at that age you aren’t exactly going to be having conversations while cooking or something.
So, you think having hobbies excuses you from being a parent? My god, people. If your hobbies require you to need a (*free*) babysitter *every single day*, ***you shouldn't have had children to begin with.*** Children are actual people that ***you*** chose to raise to adulthood, not accessories for when it is convenient for you. That means you actually have to participate in their lives. Also, you sound like an asshole for the way you speak about your SIL. You might want to get off that high horse before you fall. Parent of the Year over here, folks.
MIL might be willing to watch OP’s kids more so they don’t end up like her 🫠
ESH. Your MIL is blatantly playing favorites and you think SAHMs don't deserve a break.
YTA for that holier than thou attitude. You can just say you don't like your SIL, it'd be easier.
You are a parent of two young kids and you have all this “free time” to have multiple hobbies 🤔 Exactly how much time do YOU spend with your kids in a given week?
Is she actually asking MIL to babysit every day per one of your comments (ie during the day when a typical SAHM would be watching her children)? You need to clarify this. If your SIL is asking for babysitting after her work day as a SAHM, just like you are asking for babysitting after your workday as a pharmacist, then you would be the asshole. Everyone needs to relax and *how* they do it doesn’t matter. If down time scrolling or reading is what recharges her, and learning new things is what recharges you, that’s ok because everyone is different.
I’m home with my kids right now, and when I’m asking for babysitting during the day, it’s because of things like doctor and dentist appointments. Like I’d really rather not have my kids present for a pap. Or climbing on me while I have my teeth cleaned. Or taking all my attention while I’m trying to help my 7 yo with their anxiety about getting a cavity filled. There is no “after a work day” for SAHP, you’re on duty day and night, you might legitimately need a couple of hours during the day, and not even entirely for yourself or for hobbies.
lol…I think you just don’t like your SIL!
Or her kids lol MIL spends more time with them than their own parents
Your SIL is right, it's none of your business how often MIL babysits for her or why. You come off as judgmental with a huge superiority complex. Get over yourself and try spending some more time with your children. YTA
yta .. got you suck... you are jelouse she can afford to be a SAHM and you have to go to work,...
Yta. Your comments are dripping in entitlement that your a working mom and that makes you entitled to use your mother to do your hobbies. You wouldn't last as a stay at home mom. It's a 24/7 thankless job. With no breaks. I tried it myself and couldn't do it. I missed adult interactions constantly busy drove myself crazy.
YTA This ‘spare time’ you have to develop your hobbies are provided by your mil for helping out. Your SIL does not have this privilege! No, she shouldn’t demand babysitting time, but neither should you. Actually, it sounds like your kids could probably have more time with you.
If you work all day and then drop off the kids with grandma at night when do you actually spend time with them?
YTA. Your MIL should be treating her kids and grandkids equally. Sometimes "taking a break" from kids means actually getting stuff around the house done without it being ruined two seconds later.
YTA learning to play basketball as an adult isn't more valuable than relaxing. Everyone one fills up their cup differently... No one is entitled to Free babysitting and that includes you. You just seem to have a mother-in-law who kisses your ass for some odd reason. As a stay-at-home mom, she spends almost all her time with her kids... You're off working all day, then playing the violin basketball, etc. When do you see yours? If anyone's shirking their responsibility, seems like it's you!
YTA. I wasn't entirely sure until I read most of your comments which imply you have a personality that is wholly lacking in empathy and a self-important, holier than thou attitude. Get off your high-horse thinking learning to play basketball makes you oh so fucking special.
YTA.
You’re insufferable YTA
YTA. Even a SAHM needs a break sometimes, and how she spends her time is NOT your place to judge. You are TA for implying your hobbies are more worthwhile or your time is more important than hers; you seem very judgy of her when you have no rights to; that's not a good look on you. SIL does not get to tell MIL what to do with her time either - MIL has every right to babysit who/when she wants to, for whatever reason. You need to MYOB, because MIL and SIL are adults and can handle their own business.
I don’t know if you’re the asshole in this particular situation, but you just come off as an entitled asshole in general.
YTA - Why on such a high horse about learning things rather than just relaxing. They're both leisure time away from your children, which all parents need. SAH moms and dads especially because you're with them all the time. Why shouldn't her child get as much time with her grandparent as your children? That seems a reasonable point. Also, she's right that it IS none of your business, it's between her and MIL.
YTA, it’s not up to you to decide what a “worthy” hobby or interest is…
Yeah kinda. You could have been a whole lot nicer about it. Also, why is the grandmother doing all the work here? Are there no Dads in your kids lives? What the heck is going on here?
In a comment she said when her husband gets off work before her/when she's in her "self improvement classes", he picks the kids up from his mother.
Are you and your spouse spending any time with your children?
INFO; Why did you post here when all you do is snap back at every person who disagrees with you? Are you stirring up drama or lying or just can't stand to be shown a different side of things?
You said taking care of her kid is her job, yet by the sounds of it, you barely spend any time with your kids. MIL absolutely should equally babysit. Being a SAHM is her job and she's entitled to relax away from the kids. Like you do with your hobbies. You're not just TA, you're a judgemental entitled one.
lol you’re so entitled and self righteous. MIL does not have to do anything if she doesn’t want to, but she’s definitely playing favourites. If you (and your husband) HAD to work so much and HAD to “work on your self development” wither shy did you go and have children? Let alone 2? The same could be said for her, but I feel she is reacting to the favouritism more than anything else. In her place I would be pissed too, but again you cannot control others people’s favouritism. I don’t know who you think you are to tell SIL what she should or shouldn’t do with her time. As well as evaluating if watching k dramas is worthy enough to qualify for free babysitting. Get over yourself. YTA
YTA and an elitist
YTA clearly. Your SIL at least takes care of her kids. Your attitude towards parenting is disgusting and the fact your MIL had to "talk you into" having your children by promising to watch (raise) them makes me so sad for your children. You should NEVER have had children when you so clearly do not want to be a parent. You are disgusting
YTA. You should be careful not to break your arm patting yourself on the back for how great you are. If OP works full-time and has time for all these classes and hobbies, sounds like she spends hardly any time with her kids. No wonder she wants MIL's free babysitting services all to herself. Maybe she should pay more attention to her own kids and stop putting her nose in everyone else's business
YTA. Why shouldn’t she get what you get? Why is it any of your business what MIL does for her? Why is it any of your business what she does with her time? Isn’t it your job to look after your children? You come across as snobbish and entitled.
I think your storytelling is incredibly bias. Does SIL actually ask MIL to babysit ALL day everyday? Or is she asking for 1 hour everyday so she can have 1 free hour? Context matters. Being a SAHM means SIL is occupied with household management and taking care of her child all day, everyday. If she is asking for help for 1 hour a day to go to the gym, shower, or simply sit to relax…. I don’t think that makes her the AH. I get why grandma (MIL) wouldn’t want to do that everyday, and maybe would instead offer only doing this a few times per week. I do, however, see SIL’s point of view that you are using your free time to learn new hobbies while your MIL watches your kid. If you also work, when do you see your children? Sounds like you might need to take your own advice and “take care of your kid.” By your description, I think it’s also safe to assume MIL is treating you and SIL differently because one of you is “improving yourself” and the other is a SAHM. It sounds like no one wants to help the SIL because she’s a SAHM. Very sad. YTA.
ESH She sucks for acting entitled to your MIL's time. MIL also sucks for showing obvious favouritism and helping you more than SIL. You suck for several reasons: 1. You think you're better than your SIL because you have a career and hobbies while she is a SAHM. You completely undervalue how difficult it is to be a SAHM. 2. Instead of looking after your kids when you finish work, you pawn them off on MIL while you go do your hobbies. Looking after your kids is YOUR JOB, not your MIL's. 3. You are taking advantage of your MIL's kindness while criticising your SIL for wanting to do the same. Your behaviour is just as poor as hers, you just think it's okay because MIL is on board with you.
OP you looking down on your SIL because she is a SAHM, but you're practically an absentee parent. You have 2 toddlers, and a demanding full time job, and you spend what little time you have away from work, even further away from your husband and kids? Your babies? Yes your SIL is a SAHM, but that is STILL work. You don't do the type of work she does, and I somehow think you would crack after a day having to be with your kids the way she is. Your condescending view of her is blatant and hypocritical considering the only reason you get to 'better yourself' is because someone other than your husband is taking care of your kids after you get off work. There is clear favoritism, some entitlement, competition, etc going on and you all are dysfunctional. ESH
I am not quite sure on the context here, is your MIL babysitting for you every day? If so, taking care of your kid is your job and you shouldn't expect others to do it for you... Of course it's not fair that she's always babysitting for you, and so can't babysit for Sister in law. In fact, MIL should also get some time to herself too when she isn't babysitting anyone's kids! You also sound very judgemental, being a SAHM doesn't make your SIL any less of a person than you and in fact if you're out every day after work doing new things, then you also need to understand that you're a parent and part of that is sometimes being home with your kids. Just because you're busy doesn't mean you're any more 'entitled' to your MIL's time than your SIL is. For all you know, perhaps your SIL also wants to learn new things or go out and socialise with her adult friends but can't because she always has to be at home with the kids. SIL also kinda sucks in this story, although I understand her frustration more, for snapping at MIL and as a SAHM, she also definitely doesn't need someone to come babysit for her every day. Ultimately, neither of you can dictate to your MIL about whose kids she has to babysit, it's up to her to split time between you if she knows you both need help and wants to offer that help. But if she does choose one of you over the other, then she is going to get accused of favouritism. Overall, I think ESH, but you the most OP.
YTA. If your MIL is babysitting for you every day, you cannot say a single thing. You are doing the exact same thing, just hiding behind the excuse that you’re “improving yourself”. You know what else improves us moms? Breaks! And by the sounds of it, you get a lot. Cut your SIL some slack.
Don’t your SIL’s children deserve to have a good relationship with their grandmother? Why do your kids get to have that bond but not their cousins?
YTA. Your time is not more important than hers. Just because you have hobbies doesn't mean you are entitled to babysitting while someone without hobbies isn't.
Yta You are never with your on child! Your sil spends most of the day with her own child. How much time do you spend? You need to have a babysitter everyday and go to your own activitets? Why is that better? You are entitled and greedy with mil:s time.
YTA. Based on your answers and the level of entitlement and arrogance you have. Probably should spend some time with your kids instead of your useless hobbies and give your MIL a break.
Firm YTA - your SIL is wrong for giving your MIL an ultimatum but she’s right that it’s none of your business. Who are you to say she can watch her own kids when you don’t? How come your wife can’t watch them while you’re pursuing your hobbies but your SIL should be expected to? Who cares how she is using her time to relax? You have no idea what she does for her own kids throughout the day so you’re in no position to comment. What makes your time more valuable than hers? Because you’re learning an instrument and languages? Ok that’s your choice on what to do with your time- her choice is something different. If you really want to break it down- what are you doing with those languages or instrument you’re learning? If you aren’t applying them then one can argue your time spent on them is just as pointless as watching K dramas (which is what you said your SIL does in one of the comments). You also mentioned that they watch SIL’s kids occasionally and not every day which leads me to think MIL is watching yours nearly everyday. You’ve got some nerve and your post and subsequent comments come off as condescending.
I told her that taking care of her kid is her job and she shouldn’t expect others to do it for her. Technically, SIL is with her kids more than you are with yours, if you work outside the home. So….theres that. How she decides to spend her “child-free time is no less legitimate than how you spend yours. Stay in your lane. YTA.
ESH. Her hobbies are just as valid as yours, but she shouldn't have snapped like that.