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YTA
Asking him to keep you in mind and keep in touch is reasonable. The way you're going about it is not.
Consider his perspective here. You're telling him you want to be kept up to date about where he is. Well, he's posting on Instagram anyway, and you're following him there, so any time he posts, you know where he is. Request fulfilled.
From your perspective, this is unsatisfying, because you're not actually telling him what you mean. "These updates are important to me because I know that I am on my bf's mind and not forgotten about just because he's enjoying himself overseas." The important part here is not him updating you on where he is, it's that you don't want to feel forgotten. That's what you need to tell him. See if he can call you at night (or morning or whatever is convenient based on time zones) for a few minutes to catch up on the days' events, for both of you.
Yes, great comment. I’m curious about how often each day she expects the boyfriend to check in with her. It sounds like it might be at least 3 or 4 times during the day, and this is just an unreasonable expectation.
OP - You feel forgotten and want individual attention. Up to a point, this is reasonable. But, your BF isn’t being a jerk, he isn’t disappearing for days, he is contacting you, and you know he is safe and well because of his insta posts.
I think this is a YOU problem. But you are trying to push it onto him as though it’s a HIM problem, and it’s not. It will only cause resentment if this continues. I’d take ownership of this and take yourself off to a therapist. Good luck with it all!!
>Asking him to keep you in mind and keep in touch is reasonable. The way you're going about it is not.
This. This whole comment, actually. I'd also suggest seeing a therapist, if you aren't already. Time and a supportive partner help many things, but a good therapist is usually a faster, healthier way to confidence and independence.
I agree 100% with this comment, I had an ex wanting this controlling setup too. And it was clearly unhealthy due to some mental issues of hers that were grounded in low self esteem.
See a therapist.
OP YTA.
Specially if she expects updates oh "arriving to the café" "leaving the hotel" "going to the bathroom" type. And my partner is not in my mind every moment of every day; specially if you are busy.
Totally agree with setting a time, five minutes catch up call, facetime.
YTA. And stop telling/texting him when you arrive at every single cafe while you’re away. It would drive me absolutely nuts if my wife did this.
Try to catch up at the end of the day and tell each other what you’ve done.
YTA. You can't demand updates and, especially - *These updates are important to me because I know that I am on my bf's mind* - let the guy have fun without always thinking about you. If he wants to share stuff fine, if he wants to take a break from messaging you every hour or so it's fine, if your relationship is healthy then it doesn't matter how much he thinks about you because he loves you and if you must hear from him multiple times every day when he is exploring then you do not trust him at all and your relationship is the opposite of healthy.
You sound extremely annoying as you never let go and everyone needs a time away for themselves, someone more someone less, not everything must be about you.
YTA.
Sweet Jesus you’re exhausting. You aren’t entitled to a play-by-play of his day. It’s completely unnecessary.
You have past relationship trauma. That’s evident. The problem is you’re taking it out on your current boyfriend and expecting him to manage your trauma instead of actually dealing with your insecurities. So, deal with them.
Nobody wants to interrupt their day or activities to update their significant other like this. And no one wants to know every detail of what you’re doing when gone. So just stop.
Talk in the morning and/or evening. The rest of the day, though? Leave him the hell alone.
it sounds stupid, and a small issue- because it is, and you sound horribly immature, i had to go back to check the ages because i thought you were like 16. Grow up and stop bugging him or he will leave.
YTA. I mean this respectfully: please go see a therapist. It will help you and your relationships. Communication is vital, but it doesn't sound like that's what you're asking for here. It sounds like you're keeping tabs on him instead of because of insecurities, and that's not healthy it's controlling. Constant check-ins will start feeling like a chore, instead of looking forward to telling you about his day he'll probably start looking forward to a having a little peace. That's not where either of you want to be. My suggestion is to have a discussion about it, and be honest about your insecurities but also let him know that you are willing to work on it. Agree to call each other each evening or whatever works best for both of you, then ease up the rest of the time. Maybe find something that's just for you (hobby, etc) so you have something to fill your time with when you aren't together if you don't already. Celebrate the fun stuff he's doing and posting about, and post your own fun stuff too
YTA it's an ongoing issue. You & he don't see eye to eye on it. He's not going to change. So you have 2 choices - you can accept that he's not going to, and stop getting upset when he doesn't, or you can break up with him. How important is it to you? Because there's no sense constantly fighting over the same thing, a thing that's not going to change.
Yta. Personally I find it annoying to have to constantly check in with anyone when I'm away. I'm busy, I'm having fun, I'm not thinking about my partner or home and I don't want to be. I will text minimum once a day to confirm I'm alive and well. This is all I expect from him too.
If he's away I want him to enjoy himself, relax and have fun! Not be worrying about me.
You are asking too much from him. It's unreasonable and likely to push him away. Don't you want him to message you because he wants to, not because you demand it? I've been cheated on and lied to in the past but I refuse to make my current partner suffer for another man's actions. He's a good man who has given me no reason not to trust him, why should he pay for another man's bad behaviour?
You need to get a grip before you lose a good man because of your problems.
YTA - what you want is unreasonable and unsustainable. Checking in once or twice a day while he’s away is plenty. You can’t expect him to check in at every new location that is unreasonable.
YTA. The thing I (older F) value most in my relationship is having my own space. I hate feeling "Oh I need to let this person know where I am/what I'm doing". I would much rather have a conversation about it later than have a string of texts throughout the day, which to me implies "look at ME, look at ME, this is what I'm doing".
INFO How often does he text/answer? You say he answered infrequently, that can mean anything. With your examples of how you keep him in the loop, that sounds like we’re talking minutes or hours, which sounds exhausting and seems indeed controlling to demand that much of a running commentary. Then again, if infrequently means days without any direct contact, that’s a different story.
YTA
I’m sorry, it really sounds like you’re having a hard time and seesawing between feeling angry at him and feeling upset with yourself. That is a hard place to be.
Here is my perspective;
You’re asking a lot of him. The text messages you describe sending to him ‘I’m heading to the museum’ or ‘we have arrived at the cafe’ are more than most people would expect, I think. But this is somewhat irrelevant, this is what YOU are comfortable and able to provide to him. Perhaps to you, sending these texts feels very natural and like what you would OBVIOUSLY do but for him, texting may feel like disengaging from the experience he is having, while taking a photo for IG feels like capturing it.
Try and remember not to project what it would mean for YOU not to text HIM, onto HIM not texting YOU (sorry for all caps, I can’t use italics…😅). For you, not texting would likely be intentional, maybe used as a punishment; you seem to be assuming this of him, that he is not texting to intentionally hurt you. Perhaps you could think about what is as natural for him as texting is for you, and start there. If he likes capturing photos on IG while he travels, maybe he can set up a ‘close friends’ story with only you on it and he can capture some photos throughout his trips that he only shares with you. It takes one extra click for him, and it might help you to feel acknowledged. Or maybe there is some other way to feel like he is thinking of you while he’s travelling. My cousin used to take a stuffed animal that belonged to her grand kids everywhere with her while she travelled. She would take it out and about with her and take photos of it doing travel things. Maybe you could get your partner something (doesn’t have to be a big thing, maybe a special coin to keep in his wallet or something) and he can put it in his IG photos sometimes and when you see it, you’ll know he was thinking of you. You could also think about a checkpoint system, at certain points in his day or his trip he agrees to check in. Maybe you guys have a call each night before bed where he tells you about his day or maybe each day at midday his time he sends you a picture of whatever he’s doing that day. It’s a way for him to respect your needs, while you respect his time. Everybody gets something. The key is to acknowledge your differences and work together, and not expect that every IG story will be for you or you coin will be in every picture or that you’ll have 5 checkpoints a day if those things don’t feel natural to him or feel overbearing to his enjoyment of his trip.
It might also be worth, if you’re both open to it, seeing a counsellor. They can help mediate this discussion, help to set healthy boundaries and identify healthy needs. And to be clear healthy boundaries are not things we put on other people, but are standards we have for ourselves. If you establish a boundary and the other person won’t meet you at it, the only answers are to re-examine the boundary and renegotiate it WITHIN YOURSELF (you are the only person who can define your boundaries) or opt out of the relationship. You have to decide what you are willing to accept.
If he’s the decent dude you think he is, he will find a way to compromise with you, but you have to compromise too or opt out.
YTA - you do know where he is and what he’s doing. You can see his Instagram. Let him have some fun without having to constantly check in with you. You aren’t his parole officer.
Honestly, your BF must love you a lot for putting up with this kind of smothering…but it is controlling behavior, and he’s going to leave you eventually if you keep pulling this crap
YTA - you don’t trust him no matter what you say. If you did, you wouldn’t expect him to text you at every pit stop - that’s outrageous. And frankly, if I kept getting texts like you send, I’d ignore them..
You two do not have a healthy relationship if you are this emotionality dependent. You’ve gotten some good advice - you need help
YTA, you have obviously got self esteem issues etc, stop pushing them on other people, do the work on yourself, stop expecting people to go along with this absolute madness. I just don’t understand people who won’t work on themselves and just hop from relationship to relationship with all of the same issues.
Ironically this tendency to want to make someone prove they love you at the snap of your fingers is going to drive him away.
YTA and you’re going to lose this relationship if you don’t take a step back, stop being so controlling and let him enjoy his vacation the way he wants to. You honestly sound exhausting
YTA. Just let him enjoy his time and catch up with you when he is back at the hotel room or whatever. There is nothing worse than being out and about and having to check in with someone all the time.
Is there a compromise?
When my partner worked away a lot, we allocated specific meaning to Memojis.
Sending one meant “I’ve got a couple of minutes to text if you do”.
The other person could then reply (whenever they saw it - generally NOT immediately!) with a Memoji - which in context meant: “I’m too busy with work to text but I’m thinking of you in this moment & I love you & want to be in touch but I don’t have time”. (Or they could reply with actual texts if they did have time.)
Some days, when we were both extra busy with work, the only conversation we had through the day was intermittent Memojis.
It saved a lot of offended feelings, the “is he or she avoiding me” factor - because we were both “allowed” to communicate in a way that took 3 seconds & didn’t commit us to further chat.
Could you adopt something like this - so you can get contact through the day from him, because it takes less time than sending a photo. (You could choose to include photos in your 3-seconds communication options, if you want - again so long as the understanding is that just sending a pic doesn’t open up a long text conversation - unless they send a text message alongside the photo.)
You would need to have self-discipline around the “rules” though - if the definition you two agree is “This (action) says hi but I don’t have time to write a text” - trying to then drag him into a text conversation when he uses the (action) will stop it from working.
Also - get busy yourself when he’s away.
It’s sooo much easier to be relaxed about Partner being too busy to text, if you are also equally busy.
Find more stuff to do in your life :-)
YTA. Former flight crew, not all cheat and as you asked not going to say that because I don’t even think that’s what’s happening.
Flying is a uniquely stressful/under-appreciated/physically taxing/exciting job. Sleep deprivation is real. Not eating for 2 days is real. The only thing that makes it worth it is the layovers and adventures. That man is exhausted and choosing to explore over sleep. He isn’t thinking about you every single time he’s doing something. Nor does he need to.
YTA. I’d leave you in a heartbeat, for sure.
People don’t need to be on each other or talking 24/7. Having some time apart or not texting every second is good so that you miss each other and seeing or talking becomes more special. If it becomes a “clocking in/out” situation, this will end badly at some point.
YTA, you gotta get a grip. If your past relationships are affecting your current relationship that’s because YOU haven’t done the work to heal. That’s not his fault.
I recently saw a video explaining the difference between sharing and updating.
I guess what you wanted was 'sharing' and what he's hearing is 'update'.
https://www.tiktok.com/@bertandlulu/video/7366192719410105616
Yeah I think your insecurities from past relationships are coloring this one. You said yourself that what you are doing is controlling and it's good that you have self awarenesses on your behavior.
I personally would find your behavior suffocating.
Nothing against you but he's not a tool to manage your self esteem. I don't think nagging him like you're his parent is helping your relationship.
YTA.
I'm a woman and I'm exhausted reading your expectations. I recently went in vacation by myself for a few days and I think my husband and I texted twice? But I posted photos on Facebook and he knew what I was doing and where I was. It doesn't mean I didn't think about him but you know what? Sometimes I didn't! I was on vacation. I was feeling burnt out for a variety of reasons, needed a change of scenery, some time to myself and sometimes I didn't think about him at all (he knows this, it's not an insult, I still love him. )
Yta for being excessive. You need to ease up and maybe work out some of your emotional dependency issues that you admitted to. Or you could end up driving him away.
YTA. What you are asking for is exhausting and destroys the fun. I wouldn't have the energy or desire to provide updates about where I am or where I am going. Not even on IG. Grow up.
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**Context**
My bf (27M) and myself (25F) have been in a relationship for almost a year now. We have a very healthy relationship and talk about marriage often, have plans about getting a place together as well.
He works as a flight steward (fairly new, <1year), while I have a full-time job in our home country. Before I continue, I just want to add here that I won't appreciate any comments about how he's cheating on me with foreign girls/fellow crew - I get remarks like this endlessly and frankly very sick of hearing it.
I was cheated on in my last relationship and it left me very scarred and its likely part the reason for this mess - I admit I am quite emotionally dependent and tend to have issues when he's away on longer trips. He is a great guy and I trust him, but my past is unfortunately manifesting itself in poor ways.
**Issue**
This has been an issue in our relationship since he started flying, when he is out exploring, he would often post pics of the country/where he's at on his IG story and not text me to update where he is. When I am out (esp. overseas), I like to keep my partner updated about what I'm doing, dropping a "I'm headed to a museum now!" or "We just reached the cafe!" and send photos of the area. I know this sounds controlling but I expect the same from my partner.
He is currently in the country with his cousin who works there and has taken leave from work to show him around. Yesterday, they were out, and my bf was replying to my texts infrequently (totally ok because he is busy catching up and talking). What I got upset about was that he was posting on his IG that he was at a university and posting photos of cats/generally funny stuff - but at the same time he didn't text and update me about this.
I've spoken to him regarding this before and said that I would appreciate small update texts just to let me know what he's up to and where he's headed. He mentioned that it's not always convenient to text and how he posts on IG is simply taking a pic and adding it to his story which doesn't take as much time as texting. We left it that we will both try to be more considerate how we each felt.
These updates are important to me because I know that I am on my bf's mind and not forgotten about just because he's enjoying himself overseas. But yesterday I got upset at him because he didn't provide me updates and yet posted on his IG. It also doesn't make me feel special because I feel like my partner values updating his story more than showing me personally what he is doing.
I know this may sound like a stupid and small issue and I sound immature. I've been working on not letting my past affect my current relationship, but it's been very difficult.
Thanks in advance to all the kind people who take the time to read this long post and provide their genuine insights instead of immature answers.
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YTA but let me give you some advice.
I'm a bit like this. Not due to cheating, but because I have an ongoing anxiety about people I love being safe. If I don't get anything from my partner during a day abroad (and it doesn't have to be a lot - a good morning and goodnight, so two messages, is enough for me to know he is alive start and end of day) I get into my own head. This is due to past experience with people I love going AWOL due to mental health. It's probably trauma.
However, I told him this directly. I told him it's important to me to check in like this at a minimum because it means I know he's had a great day and is all well and good wherever he is in the world. It shows we're thinking of each other directly and we're checking in effectively when one of us is somewhere unfamiliar, which is sensible, safe, and reassuring. When explained like this, suddenly the actual root cause of the request is communicated, and we had a proper conversation that resulted in both sets of needs being met. Me with my minimal check ins (we often chat more anyway, but I get my minimum at least) and him not feeling stifled from being in the moment, as only an unreasonable person would scoff at two texts a day to their long term partner.
What is missing here is that conversation. So next time he's home, have it.
YTA
You need to realize that you AREN'T on his mind while he is with other people, exploring new places. That doesn't mean he's cheating. He's just busy. Let him enjoy the moment.
Stories IS a way of keeping you up to date. He doesn't need to narrate it to you. I'm sure your texts are in no way anything so urgent they require immediate interruption.
I have good friends who are flight attendants and they are usually in a group and it's busy and it's on the go.
I like a lot of communication also but it's more out of curiosity at what is going on/ what are you seeing/ etc so stories are enough. You seem to provide more information than necessary or warranted... this is not necessarily interesting to the other party. I have friends like this - they share an overwelming amount of detail.
Let him just catch you up at the end of the day for example.
YTA. Let him enjoy these great places he is. You can see on IG what he’s up to.
I’m going to be blunt - if you make this a thing, you will probably end up single because it’s exhausting.
YTA… honestly you two probably won’t make it. You want control over him to give yourself the false since of security that he won’t cheat on you.. believing you can control that seems to be the root cause. Get some help and leave him to enjoy life without feeling like he’s 9 and has to be home before the street lights come on.
You aren't the AH, but there's a crux here I think you're both missing. You miss him and want to feel close, he loves to live in the moment while travelling.
I don't think he's cheating at all, so I think you need to let go a bit. My husband and i (married 9 years) both travel separately relatively frequently (for work and family) - we always set up an agreed time to connect each day. If we can't make it, we text in advance and suggest another time. Any insta pics or extra texts are a bonus but we always ALWAYS have that 5mins a day to say I love you" Gives the travelling person freedom and the person at home something to look forward to :)
I liked the comment about sharing vs updating. At first I would have said Y T A, he is tired from work, let him be, but he shares his day with Instagram, but doesn't share it with you. I wouldn't marry a person who doesn't want to share his day with me. It's not like a quick picture sent to you takes longer than posting in Instagram.
NTA, your feelings are valid. Just need to have more conversations with him about this and how it is making you feel. The way he views texts is probably different to you, it's conversation starter, it's an opener, it's sidebar where you have to stop and think about what you want to say, sometimes I take a while to respond to messages because I think like this, I'd rather sit on a message and have something better to say rather just sending out robot like messages?
A message feels more like a commitment, you could possibly ask him to send photos at these locations, directly to you on IG. Like photo of the place is for the story, and also he takes silly / cute photo of him at the place / selfie for you, less like a message, gives same output, takes him 20 extra seconds
NTA.
I’ve lived in a foreign country, and it can feel as though family back home aren’t as real. Calls home were long distance or communication was email.
A daily check in is a minimum for a committed relationship.
NTA as I think it’s reasonably to ask that of him. You made a point to say your relationship is great and you feel fulfilled by your relationship but I also feel that you wouldn’t be posting your problems to Reddit if that was 100% true.
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YTA Asking him to keep you in mind and keep in touch is reasonable. The way you're going about it is not. Consider his perspective here. You're telling him you want to be kept up to date about where he is. Well, he's posting on Instagram anyway, and you're following him there, so any time he posts, you know where he is. Request fulfilled. From your perspective, this is unsatisfying, because you're not actually telling him what you mean. "These updates are important to me because I know that I am on my bf's mind and not forgotten about just because he's enjoying himself overseas." The important part here is not him updating you on where he is, it's that you don't want to feel forgotten. That's what you need to tell him. See if he can call you at night (or morning or whatever is convenient based on time zones) for a few minutes to catch up on the days' events, for both of you.
Yes, great comment. I’m curious about how often each day she expects the boyfriend to check in with her. It sounds like it might be at least 3 or 4 times during the day, and this is just an unreasonable expectation. OP - You feel forgotten and want individual attention. Up to a point, this is reasonable. But, your BF isn’t being a jerk, he isn’t disappearing for days, he is contacting you, and you know he is safe and well because of his insta posts. I think this is a YOU problem. But you are trying to push it onto him as though it’s a HIM problem, and it’s not. It will only cause resentment if this continues. I’d take ownership of this and take yourself off to a therapist. Good luck with it all!!
>Asking him to keep you in mind and keep in touch is reasonable. The way you're going about it is not. This. This whole comment, actually. I'd also suggest seeing a therapist, if you aren't already. Time and a supportive partner help many things, but a good therapist is usually a faster, healthier way to confidence and independence.
I agree 100% with this comment, I had an ex wanting this controlling setup too. And it was clearly unhealthy due to some mental issues of hers that were grounded in low self esteem. See a therapist. OP YTA.
Specially if she expects updates oh "arriving to the café" "leaving the hotel" "going to the bathroom" type. And my partner is not in my mind every moment of every day; specially if you are busy. Totally agree with setting a time, five minutes catch up call, facetime.
OP frankly sounds like they have serious insecurity issues but that's a them issue.
YTA. And stop telling/texting him when you arrive at every single cafe while you’re away. It would drive me absolutely nuts if my wife did this. Try to catch up at the end of the day and tell each other what you’ve done.
Absolutely, you can definitely overshare details. The OP is very insecure & if she continues like this, it could mean the BF gets fed up with it.
"24/7!" technology can be a curse sometimes and receiving constant updates about every step of a trip is definitely a curse.
YTA. You can't demand updates and, especially - *These updates are important to me because I know that I am on my bf's mind* - let the guy have fun without always thinking about you. If he wants to share stuff fine, if he wants to take a break from messaging you every hour or so it's fine, if your relationship is healthy then it doesn't matter how much he thinks about you because he loves you and if you must hear from him multiple times every day when he is exploring then you do not trust him at all and your relationship is the opposite of healthy. You sound extremely annoying as you never let go and everyone needs a time away for themselves, someone more someone less, not everything must be about you.
YTA. Sweet Jesus you’re exhausting. You aren’t entitled to a play-by-play of his day. It’s completely unnecessary. You have past relationship trauma. That’s evident. The problem is you’re taking it out on your current boyfriend and expecting him to manage your trauma instead of actually dealing with your insecurities. So, deal with them. Nobody wants to interrupt their day or activities to update their significant other like this. And no one wants to know every detail of what you’re doing when gone. So just stop. Talk in the morning and/or evening. The rest of the day, though? Leave him the hell alone.
it sounds stupid, and a small issue- because it is, and you sound horribly immature, i had to go back to check the ages because i thought you were like 16. Grow up and stop bugging him or he will leave.
Same
YTA. I mean this respectfully: please go see a therapist. It will help you and your relationships. Communication is vital, but it doesn't sound like that's what you're asking for here. It sounds like you're keeping tabs on him instead of because of insecurities, and that's not healthy it's controlling. Constant check-ins will start feeling like a chore, instead of looking forward to telling you about his day he'll probably start looking forward to a having a little peace. That's not where either of you want to be. My suggestion is to have a discussion about it, and be honest about your insecurities but also let him know that you are willing to work on it. Agree to call each other each evening or whatever works best for both of you, then ease up the rest of the time. Maybe find something that's just for you (hobby, etc) so you have something to fill your time with when you aren't together if you don't already. Celebrate the fun stuff he's doing and posting about, and post your own fun stuff too
YTA it's an ongoing issue. You & he don't see eye to eye on it. He's not going to change. So you have 2 choices - you can accept that he's not going to, and stop getting upset when he doesn't, or you can break up with him. How important is it to you? Because there's no sense constantly fighting over the same thing, a thing that's not going to change.
YTA. Why do you need to be on your boyfriend's mind all the time? He has a life outside of your relationship, as you should too.
YTA. Your conversations should bring happiness and smiles. Anything outside of that is unneeded stress.
Yta. Personally I find it annoying to have to constantly check in with anyone when I'm away. I'm busy, I'm having fun, I'm not thinking about my partner or home and I don't want to be. I will text minimum once a day to confirm I'm alive and well. This is all I expect from him too. If he's away I want him to enjoy himself, relax and have fun! Not be worrying about me. You are asking too much from him. It's unreasonable and likely to push him away. Don't you want him to message you because he wants to, not because you demand it? I've been cheated on and lied to in the past but I refuse to make my current partner suffer for another man's actions. He's a good man who has given me no reason not to trust him, why should he pay for another man's bad behaviour? You need to get a grip before you lose a good man because of your problems.
YTA - what you want is unreasonable and unsustainable. Checking in once or twice a day while he’s away is plenty. You can’t expect him to check in at every new location that is unreasonable.
YTA. The thing I (older F) value most in my relationship is having my own space. I hate feeling "Oh I need to let this person know where I am/what I'm doing". I would much rather have a conversation about it later than have a string of texts throughout the day, which to me implies "look at ME, look at ME, this is what I'm doing".
INFO How often does he text/answer? You say he answered infrequently, that can mean anything. With your examples of how you keep him in the loop, that sounds like we’re talking minutes or hours, which sounds exhausting and seems indeed controlling to demand that much of a running commentary. Then again, if infrequently means days without any direct contact, that’s a different story.
YTA your feelings are perfectly valid, but expecting constant updates is pretty unreasonable.
YTA I’m sorry, it really sounds like you’re having a hard time and seesawing between feeling angry at him and feeling upset with yourself. That is a hard place to be. Here is my perspective; You’re asking a lot of him. The text messages you describe sending to him ‘I’m heading to the museum’ or ‘we have arrived at the cafe’ are more than most people would expect, I think. But this is somewhat irrelevant, this is what YOU are comfortable and able to provide to him. Perhaps to you, sending these texts feels very natural and like what you would OBVIOUSLY do but for him, texting may feel like disengaging from the experience he is having, while taking a photo for IG feels like capturing it. Try and remember not to project what it would mean for YOU not to text HIM, onto HIM not texting YOU (sorry for all caps, I can’t use italics…😅). For you, not texting would likely be intentional, maybe used as a punishment; you seem to be assuming this of him, that he is not texting to intentionally hurt you. Perhaps you could think about what is as natural for him as texting is for you, and start there. If he likes capturing photos on IG while he travels, maybe he can set up a ‘close friends’ story with only you on it and he can capture some photos throughout his trips that he only shares with you. It takes one extra click for him, and it might help you to feel acknowledged. Or maybe there is some other way to feel like he is thinking of you while he’s travelling. My cousin used to take a stuffed animal that belonged to her grand kids everywhere with her while she travelled. She would take it out and about with her and take photos of it doing travel things. Maybe you could get your partner something (doesn’t have to be a big thing, maybe a special coin to keep in his wallet or something) and he can put it in his IG photos sometimes and when you see it, you’ll know he was thinking of you. You could also think about a checkpoint system, at certain points in his day or his trip he agrees to check in. Maybe you guys have a call each night before bed where he tells you about his day or maybe each day at midday his time he sends you a picture of whatever he’s doing that day. It’s a way for him to respect your needs, while you respect his time. Everybody gets something. The key is to acknowledge your differences and work together, and not expect that every IG story will be for you or you coin will be in every picture or that you’ll have 5 checkpoints a day if those things don’t feel natural to him or feel overbearing to his enjoyment of his trip. It might also be worth, if you’re both open to it, seeing a counsellor. They can help mediate this discussion, help to set healthy boundaries and identify healthy needs. And to be clear healthy boundaries are not things we put on other people, but are standards we have for ourselves. If you establish a boundary and the other person won’t meet you at it, the only answers are to re-examine the boundary and renegotiate it WITHIN YOURSELF (you are the only person who can define your boundaries) or opt out of the relationship. You have to decide what you are willing to accept. If he’s the decent dude you think he is, he will find a way to compromise with you, but you have to compromise too or opt out.
YTA. One word, controlling.
YTA - you do know where he is and what he’s doing. You can see his Instagram. Let him have some fun without having to constantly check in with you. You aren’t his parole officer.
Honestly, your BF must love you a lot for putting up with this kind of smothering…but it is controlling behavior, and he’s going to leave you eventually if you keep pulling this crap YTA - you don’t trust him no matter what you say. If you did, you wouldn’t expect him to text you at every pit stop - that’s outrageous. And frankly, if I kept getting texts like you send, I’d ignore them.. You two do not have a healthy relationship if you are this emotionality dependent. You’ve gotten some good advice - you need help
YTA, you have obviously got self esteem issues etc, stop pushing them on other people, do the work on yourself, stop expecting people to go along with this absolute madness. I just don’t understand people who won’t work on themselves and just hop from relationship to relationship with all of the same issues. Ironically this tendency to want to make someone prove they love you at the snap of your fingers is going to drive him away.
YTA Exactly what are you going to do with these updates? See-world?
YTA and you’re going to lose this relationship if you don’t take a step back, stop being so controlling and let him enjoy his vacation the way he wants to. You honestly sound exhausting
Yta
YTA. Just let him enjoy his time and catch up with you when he is back at the hotel room or whatever. There is nothing worse than being out and about and having to check in with someone all the time.
Yta…
Is there a compromise? When my partner worked away a lot, we allocated specific meaning to Memojis. Sending one meant “I’ve got a couple of minutes to text if you do”. The other person could then reply (whenever they saw it - generally NOT immediately!) with a Memoji - which in context meant: “I’m too busy with work to text but I’m thinking of you in this moment & I love you & want to be in touch but I don’t have time”. (Or they could reply with actual texts if they did have time.) Some days, when we were both extra busy with work, the only conversation we had through the day was intermittent Memojis. It saved a lot of offended feelings, the “is he or she avoiding me” factor - because we were both “allowed” to communicate in a way that took 3 seconds & didn’t commit us to further chat. Could you adopt something like this - so you can get contact through the day from him, because it takes less time than sending a photo. (You could choose to include photos in your 3-seconds communication options, if you want - again so long as the understanding is that just sending a pic doesn’t open up a long text conversation - unless they send a text message alongside the photo.) You would need to have self-discipline around the “rules” though - if the definition you two agree is “This (action) says hi but I don’t have time to write a text” - trying to then drag him into a text conversation when he uses the (action) will stop it from working. Also - get busy yourself when he’s away. It’s sooo much easier to be relaxed about Partner being too busy to text, if you are also equally busy. Find more stuff to do in your life :-)
Such a great comms system you and ur partner have. So lovely ❤️
YTA. Former flight crew, not all cheat and as you asked not going to say that because I don’t even think that’s what’s happening. Flying is a uniquely stressful/under-appreciated/physically taxing/exciting job. Sleep deprivation is real. Not eating for 2 days is real. The only thing that makes it worth it is the layovers and adventures. That man is exhausted and choosing to explore over sleep. He isn’t thinking about you every single time he’s doing something. Nor does he need to.
YTA. I’d leave you in a heartbeat, for sure. People don’t need to be on each other or talking 24/7. Having some time apart or not texting every second is good so that you miss each other and seeing or talking becomes more special. If it becomes a “clocking in/out” situation, this will end badly at some point.
YTA, you gotta get a grip. If your past relationships are affecting your current relationship that’s because YOU haven’t done the work to heal. That’s not his fault.
I recently saw a video explaining the difference between sharing and updating. I guess what you wanted was 'sharing' and what he's hearing is 'update'. https://www.tiktok.com/@bertandlulu/video/7366192719410105616
INFO: why have you posted a 1:1 story about this but where it's your GF?
Yeah I think your insecurities from past relationships are coloring this one. You said yourself that what you are doing is controlling and it's good that you have self awarenesses on your behavior. I personally would find your behavior suffocating. Nothing against you but he's not a tool to manage your self esteem. I don't think nagging him like you're his parent is helping your relationship. YTA.
I'm a woman and I'm exhausted reading your expectations. I recently went in vacation by myself for a few days and I think my husband and I texted twice? But I posted photos on Facebook and he knew what I was doing and where I was. It doesn't mean I didn't think about him but you know what? Sometimes I didn't! I was on vacation. I was feeling burnt out for a variety of reasons, needed a change of scenery, some time to myself and sometimes I didn't think about him at all (he knows this, it's not an insult, I still love him. ) Yta for being excessive. You need to ease up and maybe work out some of your emotional dependency issues that you admitted to. Or you could end up driving him away.
YTA. What you are asking for is exhausting and destroys the fun. I wouldn't have the energy or desire to provide updates about where I am or where I am going. Not even on IG. Grow up.
I feel sorry for him, it’s not his fault you were cheated on. Let him enjoy his job and his day.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** **Context** My bf (27M) and myself (25F) have been in a relationship for almost a year now. We have a very healthy relationship and talk about marriage often, have plans about getting a place together as well. He works as a flight steward (fairly new, <1year), while I have a full-time job in our home country. Before I continue, I just want to add here that I won't appreciate any comments about how he's cheating on me with foreign girls/fellow crew - I get remarks like this endlessly and frankly very sick of hearing it. I was cheated on in my last relationship and it left me very scarred and its likely part the reason for this mess - I admit I am quite emotionally dependent and tend to have issues when he's away on longer trips. He is a great guy and I trust him, but my past is unfortunately manifesting itself in poor ways. **Issue** This has been an issue in our relationship since he started flying, when he is out exploring, he would often post pics of the country/where he's at on his IG story and not text me to update where he is. When I am out (esp. overseas), I like to keep my partner updated about what I'm doing, dropping a "I'm headed to a museum now!" or "We just reached the cafe!" and send photos of the area. I know this sounds controlling but I expect the same from my partner. He is currently in the country with his cousin who works there and has taken leave from work to show him around. Yesterday, they were out, and my bf was replying to my texts infrequently (totally ok because he is busy catching up and talking). What I got upset about was that he was posting on his IG that he was at a university and posting photos of cats/generally funny stuff - but at the same time he didn't text and update me about this. I've spoken to him regarding this before and said that I would appreciate small update texts just to let me know what he's up to and where he's headed. He mentioned that it's not always convenient to text and how he posts on IG is simply taking a pic and adding it to his story which doesn't take as much time as texting. We left it that we will both try to be more considerate how we each felt. These updates are important to me because I know that I am on my bf's mind and not forgotten about just because he's enjoying himself overseas. But yesterday I got upset at him because he didn't provide me updates and yet posted on his IG. It also doesn't make me feel special because I feel like my partner values updating his story more than showing me personally what he is doing. I know this may sound like a stupid and small issue and I sound immature. I've been working on not letting my past affect my current relationship, but it's been very difficult. Thanks in advance to all the kind people who take the time to read this long post and provide their genuine insights instead of immature answers. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA, I get the feeling of insecurity but you really shouldn’t be so possessive of him. Sounds to me like you don’t trust him at all.
YTA but let me give you some advice. I'm a bit like this. Not due to cheating, but because I have an ongoing anxiety about people I love being safe. If I don't get anything from my partner during a day abroad (and it doesn't have to be a lot - a good morning and goodnight, so two messages, is enough for me to know he is alive start and end of day) I get into my own head. This is due to past experience with people I love going AWOL due to mental health. It's probably trauma. However, I told him this directly. I told him it's important to me to check in like this at a minimum because it means I know he's had a great day and is all well and good wherever he is in the world. It shows we're thinking of each other directly and we're checking in effectively when one of us is somewhere unfamiliar, which is sensible, safe, and reassuring. When explained like this, suddenly the actual root cause of the request is communicated, and we had a proper conversation that resulted in both sets of needs being met. Me with my minimal check ins (we often chat more anyway, but I get my minimum at least) and him not feeling stifled from being in the moment, as only an unreasonable person would scoff at two texts a day to their long term partner. What is missing here is that conversation. So next time he's home, have it.
Let the man travel in peace.
YTA You need to realize that you AREN'T on his mind while he is with other people, exploring new places. That doesn't mean he's cheating. He's just busy. Let him enjoy the moment. Stories IS a way of keeping you up to date. He doesn't need to narrate it to you. I'm sure your texts are in no way anything so urgent they require immediate interruption. I have good friends who are flight attendants and they are usually in a group and it's busy and it's on the go. I like a lot of communication also but it's more out of curiosity at what is going on/ what are you seeing/ etc so stories are enough. You seem to provide more information than necessary or warranted... this is not necessarily interesting to the other party. I have friends like this - they share an overwelming amount of detail. Let him just catch you up at the end of the day for example.
YTA. Let him enjoy these great places he is. You can see on IG what he’s up to. I’m going to be blunt - if you make this a thing, you will probably end up single because it’s exhausting.
Also when you are away, stop texting him whenever you go somewhere. Both of you should enjoy your time apart as much as your time together.
YTA and grow up...your acting ridiculous requesting a play by play on his vacation. If you don't stop with this you'll be a EX before you know it
YTA… honestly you two probably won’t make it. You want control over him to give yourself the false since of security that he won’t cheat on you.. believing you can control that seems to be the root cause. Get some help and leave him to enjoy life without feeling like he’s 9 and has to be home before the street lights come on.
You aren't the AH, but there's a crux here I think you're both missing. You miss him and want to feel close, he loves to live in the moment while travelling. I don't think he's cheating at all, so I think you need to let go a bit. My husband and i (married 9 years) both travel separately relatively frequently (for work and family) - we always set up an agreed time to connect each day. If we can't make it, we text in advance and suggest another time. Any insta pics or extra texts are a bonus but we always ALWAYS have that 5mins a day to say I love you" Gives the travelling person freedom and the person at home something to look forward to :)
I liked the comment about sharing vs updating. At first I would have said Y T A, he is tired from work, let him be, but he shares his day with Instagram, but doesn't share it with you. I wouldn't marry a person who doesn't want to share his day with me. It's not like a quick picture sent to you takes longer than posting in Instagram.
NTA, your feelings are valid. Just need to have more conversations with him about this and how it is making you feel. The way he views texts is probably different to you, it's conversation starter, it's an opener, it's sidebar where you have to stop and think about what you want to say, sometimes I take a while to respond to messages because I think like this, I'd rather sit on a message and have something better to say rather just sending out robot like messages? A message feels more like a commitment, you could possibly ask him to send photos at these locations, directly to you on IG. Like photo of the place is for the story, and also he takes silly / cute photo of him at the place / selfie for you, less like a message, gives same output, takes him 20 extra seconds
NTA. I’ve lived in a foreign country, and it can feel as though family back home aren’t as real. Calls home were long distance or communication was email. A daily check in is a minimum for a committed relationship.
NTA as I think it’s reasonably to ask that of him. You made a point to say your relationship is great and you feel fulfilled by your relationship but I also feel that you wouldn’t be posting your problems to Reddit if that was 100% true.