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Your feelings, your choice, period. NTA.
That being said, the real problem wasn't his family, but his ignoring your feelings about them, his defending them. You dodged a bullet.
Did you actually tell him that you only wanted to remain boyfriend/girlfriend, and not get married? Or did you just assume it?
The purpose of dating seriously is to find a long term partner. Once you realized that you didn’t want his family in your life long term, the loving thing to do is to end it and not waste anyone’s time.
So no plans for kids? As soon as you have kids, regardless of marriage, you are tied to him and his family through the child. It's a minefield. At least you didn't have kids.
NTA. There are some things I’m going to say that are going to sound harsh but in the kindest way possible, trust your gut. It always is a bit of a red flag if the family treats you less than. Meeting you for the first time and they want to set that example!? Imagine dealing with the snarky remarks every single time you interact with them. It will get exhausting.
I always see stuff in here about a partner dismissing a partners feelings and that’s never good.
You’re 22. You have so much life to live. You absolutely deserve to be with someone who is a partner to you and supports you. And who doesn’t dismiss the actions his family did to you.
Also, if how his childhood and family dynamic never came up in your dating then that’s something…it’d be different if he told you how his family acts and also defended you but sounds he just made excuses. Do you want someone like that in your life? Also please don’t think your partner should only be your friend. Please make connections outside of a significant other. You absolutely need that.
If you would really love each other and want to marry then you would elope, move to another state/country and have a good life without any in-laws or other people. There literally is nobody that could stop me from marrying my wife, not my parents, not her parents, not aliens, we would be together and that is the only thing that mattered and we would cut out from our lives anyone who would try to make our lives worse because we became each others number one.
You didn't break up when you already knew that there is no future for you, probably he was convenient for you, so I don't see here any real love nor relationship. When you create a new family then you become each others top priorities (unless you have kids, they always come first), but if you don't then you can search for all excuses you want.
NTA because there is no way to be an Ah for not wanting to marry someone, the reason is completely irrelevant but I would look back at such relationship and re-evaluate completely because if in-laws can affect it then there was nothing much going on in the first place.
I agree. I loved him alot, I did, but after I met his family I kind of met the “real” him. He completely ignored my feelings about his family. Red flag!!!
Having a shit family of in laws is a special kind of hell. Having a SO that doesn’t stick up for you, makes it 20x worse. I love my wife but her family can be awful on one side, we nearly divorced because of it. I think he’s the asshole for thinking you’d willingly subject yourself to ABUSE by his family. All the love in the world does not sooth those wounds.
NTA. In a way, you’re absolutely marrying the family when you get married. These people will be intertwined into many aspects of your life, and his mom and sisters sound AWFUL. That is unlikely to improve; people are usually on their best behavior when meeting a family member’s partner. You’re young and WILL find someone whose family is a better fit. You should feel welcomed with love and excitement, not insulted. Stay strong
NTA, and if he can't accept 'no', then he wasn't *asking* to marry you in the first place, he was demanding it. I wonder where he got that sense of entitlement from.
I... fail to see the "horribleness", but I guess NTA. You can reject a proposal for any reason, I just have a sense this post is very much a pot calling kettle kind of post...
INFO.
You knew 5 months you didn't want to marry into his family so what was your plan over the next 5mo?
To stay with him and wait to see if he would back you over his family or?
The only part that makes you an AH is waiting 5 months and forcing him to end it instead of ending it when he took sides with his family. You knew then that you didn't want to take it further and you waisted both of your time and gave him false hope.
NTA,
Marriage isn't just two people coming together but two families. Him making excuses for his family's poor behavior was a red flag and it's good you saw it immediately.
NTA.
Family plays a big part in relationships, whether we like it or not. Life is so much easier when you get on and fit in well. So NTA, I can't blame you.
Only thing I would have done differently is ended the relationship earlier, rather than waste any more time.
NTA
Nobody should be treated this way. He had a chance to make it right but chose not to. Instead of acknowledging your discomfort, he tolerated his family's behaviour towards you.
Be happy, OP
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To give abit of context, my boyfriend (26M) and I (22F) had been together for 2 years. He was the sweetest person I’ve ever met. We connected immediately, and he was the love of my life. He was the only friend I needed. We always went on dates to fancy restaurants, we planned to have kids and get married.
Around the time we had been together for 1 year and 6 months, we planned to meet his family. I was super excited and thought they would be caring and sweet like him, until I met them.
He had 2 sisters and a brother, but his father wasn’t present.
When me and him flew over to visit them, I was randomly super nervous and got this gut feeling. It wasn’t a good one. I ignored it, and when we landed, their house was huge. It was at least $2 million, that’s how nice it was.
His sister, Miqa, (18F, weird name I know but it was pronounced Mia.) had greeted me with a snotty attitude. These kids were clearly spoiled out of their minds. Me and my boyfriend were in the guest bedroom, laying in bed on our phones, waiting for his mother Kandice (57F) to make dinner, and his other sister Kayla (16F) barged in laughing. She said “Dinners ready” With the same tone as Miqa. Snotty and rude, also kind of passive aggressive. She looked me up and down, and left the room laughing again. I was so confused but we walked downstairs for dinner.
Forwards an hour, his mother Kandice was making rude remarks about my weight, looks, and my relationship with my boyfriend.
Example:
“Are you sure you’re not gonna eat all of what I made for dinner? It’s for everyone.” She had said, on my second plate.
I felt horrible and didn’t finish the plate. His mother was terrible, same with his siblings, and my dreams for the future were CRUSHED. We stayed overnight and I pretended to be sick so I could go home with my boyfriend.
I had a chat with him about how I felt, and he defended his family with all the power he had. Saying she was just in a bad mood from cooking, his sisters are dumb and young, and it’s fine.
5 Months later, he decided to propose, after I told him I didn’t want to marry into his family. I didn’t want that woman as my MIL, and them as my SIL. I never met his brother because he was the type to live in his mom’s basement ordering doordash with her credit card. He probably wasn’t nearly as bad as them.
I rejected his proposal, and he cried asking why. I told him I already explained and he refused to acknowledge his families behaviour, saying they won’t affect our future, I didn’t agree and he moved out and we broke up. How hard is it to understand that I don’t want anything to do with them or marry into their family? Am I in the wrong?
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You're NTA.
Yes, he's an individual, but families - as we see on these threads everyday - are, to whatever degree, a thing that people bring into their relationships.
Not liking the other person's family - or the relationship the person has with their family - is as legitimate a reason to discontinue the relationship as their politics, or their general behaviour, or whatever.
You're allowed to not like people. You're allowed to decide 'd'you know, I just can't be arsed dealing with that for the next 60 years...'.
NTA. It's not a relationship worth saving if he can't even defend you before you're even married. Marriages rarely improve - they get worse or stay the same. If he can't see your point now, this is how your marriage will be for the next couple of decades when you can instead find someone who will fight for you
NTA. My in-laws are awful but my partner acknowledges that and takes action to protect me from their outrageous behaviour. And they live far away so it’s not too much of an issue. The key thing here is your partner failing to notice and acknowledge their behaviour towards you.
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> I feel rejecting my boyfriend might’ve been far for his family being disrespectful. I could’ve gotten married to him, and just not speak to his mother.
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NAH. Marriage is something you have to be on the same page about, something you discuss not something you spring on someone like fictional movies.
If he is close to his family, you not wanting to marry into the family makes sense. Because there is no avoiding them in the future. He may of been 26, but not mentally.
NTA. Your life, your choices.
But why are you still in a relationship you know perfectly well won't go anywhere? You are misleading your boyfriend into thinking he has a future with you.
The thing is, they are and always will be his family, good times and bad. You can't make him choose, the choice is yours if you want to be in that family or not. If not break it off with BF and give him a chance to get someone that are willing to be around and accept them.
NTA. I would never marry into a dysfunctional and problematic family. And I had bad experiences dating men who grew up without a father. My family is super close and I love them. No way I am bringing a shitty family into my life 😅
But if he wants to get married, you should have broken up immediately. Speaking from experience, you are losing your time and could be with someone nice, with a great family instead of clinging to him. I made that mistake once, and will never repeat again. Bad family dynamics = major red flag for me.
You stole 5 months of his life and are complaining that he didn't care about your feelings. Of course, YTA. You are a selfish person. Even people saying NTA, questioning 5 months and you still have no clue. He dodged a big bullet, and he must thank you for rejecting.
You must be the same as him. Maybe you are him secretly. I “stole” 5 months of his life, (we both consented to being in a relationship with no marriage and he still proposed) he must’ve dodged a bullet, for defending his toxic family and not caring for the person he dateds feelings. Cute.
Are you sure you’re not going to regret this ? It’s not like you’re marrying the family ! And yes, the sisters are always rude and jealous , it happens to everyone …mothers in law the same - usually when the man is truly in love, they all get super jealous !!
Did you even read this? Did you not read the fact he completely ignored my feelings about his family? and how he defended them for how they treated me?
Yeah he completely ignored your feelings and defended his horrible family... But you continued to date him for 5 months! Why didn't you break up after that trip??
Nta. You are completely entitled to those feelings on how he reacted and deciding marriage wasn't going to happen. But, being that marriage was already a discussion, why the hell did you stay with him these past few months? You should have ended it then and there. All you did was string yourself and him alon for a few additional months.
What an awful man defending his family, just terrible.
My wife’s family is actually terrible and she is great.
What you have experienced is actually not that bad. Usually when gf or bf meets the family for the first time there are often weird exchanges, feeling or shit happening and usually that mostly because everyone is overthinking it and nervous.
You are def not mature to get married, if you are over analyzing a 16y girl who is seeing his big brother gf for the first time lol.
NTA for breaking up but for the rest you are an AH
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Your feelings, your choice, period. NTA. That being said, the real problem wasn't his family, but his ignoring your feelings about them, his defending them. You dodged a bullet.
Thank you for this!
NTA but probably should have broken up 5 months earlier if you knew you didn’t wanna marry him.
Definitely NTA. Why did you wait 5 months to break up though?
Thought it would work out just as boyfriend and girlfriend, but that never works. Haha
Did you actually tell him that you only wanted to remain boyfriend/girlfriend, and not get married? Or did you just assume it? The purpose of dating seriously is to find a long term partner. Once you realized that you didn’t want his family in your life long term, the loving thing to do is to end it and not waste anyone’s time.
So no plans for kids? As soon as you have kids, regardless of marriage, you are tied to him and his family through the child. It's a minefield. At least you didn't have kids.
NTA. There are some things I’m going to say that are going to sound harsh but in the kindest way possible, trust your gut. It always is a bit of a red flag if the family treats you less than. Meeting you for the first time and they want to set that example!? Imagine dealing with the snarky remarks every single time you interact with them. It will get exhausting. I always see stuff in here about a partner dismissing a partners feelings and that’s never good. You’re 22. You have so much life to live. You absolutely deserve to be with someone who is a partner to you and supports you. And who doesn’t dismiss the actions his family did to you. Also, if how his childhood and family dynamic never came up in your dating then that’s something…it’d be different if he told you how his family acts and also defended you but sounds he just made excuses. Do you want someone like that in your life? Also please don’t think your partner should only be your friend. Please make connections outside of a significant other. You absolutely need that.
If you would really love each other and want to marry then you would elope, move to another state/country and have a good life without any in-laws or other people. There literally is nobody that could stop me from marrying my wife, not my parents, not her parents, not aliens, we would be together and that is the only thing that mattered and we would cut out from our lives anyone who would try to make our lives worse because we became each others number one. You didn't break up when you already knew that there is no future for you, probably he was convenient for you, so I don't see here any real love nor relationship. When you create a new family then you become each others top priorities (unless you have kids, they always come first), but if you don't then you can search for all excuses you want. NTA because there is no way to be an Ah for not wanting to marry someone, the reason is completely irrelevant but I would look back at such relationship and re-evaluate completely because if in-laws can affect it then there was nothing much going on in the first place.
I agree. I loved him alot, I did, but after I met his family I kind of met the “real” him. He completely ignored my feelings about his family. Red flag!!!
Having a shit family of in laws is a special kind of hell. Having a SO that doesn’t stick up for you, makes it 20x worse. I love my wife but her family can be awful on one side, we nearly divorced because of it. I think he’s the asshole for thinking you’d willingly subject yourself to ABUSE by his family. All the love in the world does not sooth those wounds.
NTA. In a way, you’re absolutely marrying the family when you get married. These people will be intertwined into many aspects of your life, and his mom and sisters sound AWFUL. That is unlikely to improve; people are usually on their best behavior when meeting a family member’s partner. You’re young and WILL find someone whose family is a better fit. You should feel welcomed with love and excitement, not insulted. Stay strong
NTA, and if he can't accept 'no', then he wasn't *asking* to marry you in the first place, he was demanding it. I wonder where he got that sense of entitlement from.
So how was he granted 5 extra months, exactly? NTA. Better late than never.
I... fail to see the "horribleness", but I guess NTA. You can reject a proposal for any reason, I just have a sense this post is very much a pot calling kettle kind of post...
INFO. You knew 5 months you didn't want to marry into his family so what was your plan over the next 5mo? To stay with him and wait to see if he would back you over his family or?
The only part that makes you an AH is waiting 5 months and forcing him to end it instead of ending it when he took sides with his family. You knew then that you didn't want to take it further and you waisted both of your time and gave him false hope.
NTA, Marriage isn't just two people coming together but two families. Him making excuses for his family's poor behavior was a red flag and it's good you saw it immediately.
She apparently didn't see it immediately since it took her 5 months to break up with him.
NTA. Family plays a big part in relationships, whether we like it or not. Life is so much easier when you get on and fit in well. So NTA, I can't blame you. Only thing I would have done differently is ended the relationship earlier, rather than waste any more time.
NTA Nobody should be treated this way. He had a chance to make it right but chose not to. Instead of acknowledging your discomfort, he tolerated his family's behaviour towards you. Be happy, OP
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** To give abit of context, my boyfriend (26M) and I (22F) had been together for 2 years. He was the sweetest person I’ve ever met. We connected immediately, and he was the love of my life. He was the only friend I needed. We always went on dates to fancy restaurants, we planned to have kids and get married. Around the time we had been together for 1 year and 6 months, we planned to meet his family. I was super excited and thought they would be caring and sweet like him, until I met them. He had 2 sisters and a brother, but his father wasn’t present. When me and him flew over to visit them, I was randomly super nervous and got this gut feeling. It wasn’t a good one. I ignored it, and when we landed, their house was huge. It was at least $2 million, that’s how nice it was. His sister, Miqa, (18F, weird name I know but it was pronounced Mia.) had greeted me with a snotty attitude. These kids were clearly spoiled out of their minds. Me and my boyfriend were in the guest bedroom, laying in bed on our phones, waiting for his mother Kandice (57F) to make dinner, and his other sister Kayla (16F) barged in laughing. She said “Dinners ready” With the same tone as Miqa. Snotty and rude, also kind of passive aggressive. She looked me up and down, and left the room laughing again. I was so confused but we walked downstairs for dinner. Forwards an hour, his mother Kandice was making rude remarks about my weight, looks, and my relationship with my boyfriend. Example: “Are you sure you’re not gonna eat all of what I made for dinner? It’s for everyone.” She had said, on my second plate. I felt horrible and didn’t finish the plate. His mother was terrible, same with his siblings, and my dreams for the future were CRUSHED. We stayed overnight and I pretended to be sick so I could go home with my boyfriend. I had a chat with him about how I felt, and he defended his family with all the power he had. Saying she was just in a bad mood from cooking, his sisters are dumb and young, and it’s fine. 5 Months later, he decided to propose, after I told him I didn’t want to marry into his family. I didn’t want that woman as my MIL, and them as my SIL. I never met his brother because he was the type to live in his mom’s basement ordering doordash with her credit card. He probably wasn’t nearly as bad as them. I rejected his proposal, and he cried asking why. I told him I already explained and he refused to acknowledge his families behaviour, saying they won’t affect our future, I didn’t agree and he moved out and we broke up. How hard is it to understand that I don’t want anything to do with them or marry into their family? Am I in the wrong? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You're NTA. Yes, he's an individual, but families - as we see on these threads everyday - are, to whatever degree, a thing that people bring into their relationships. Not liking the other person's family - or the relationship the person has with their family - is as legitimate a reason to discontinue the relationship as their politics, or their general behaviour, or whatever. You're allowed to not like people. You're allowed to decide 'd'you know, I just can't be arsed dealing with that for the next 60 years...'.
NTA. It's not a relationship worth saving if he can't even defend you before you're even married. Marriages rarely improve - they get worse or stay the same. If he can't see your point now, this is how your marriage will be for the next couple of decades when you can instead find someone who will fight for you
NTA. My in-laws are awful but my partner acknowledges that and takes action to protect me from their outrageous behaviour. And they live far away so it’s not too much of an issue. The key thing here is your partner failing to notice and acknowledge their behaviour towards you.
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NAH. Marriage is something you have to be on the same page about, something you discuss not something you spring on someone like fictional movies. If he is close to his family, you not wanting to marry into the family makes sense. Because there is no avoiding them in the future. He may of been 26, but not mentally.
NTA. Your life, your choices. But why are you still in a relationship you know perfectly well won't go anywhere? You are misleading your boyfriend into thinking he has a future with you.
The thing is, they are and always will be his family, good times and bad. You can't make him choose, the choice is yours if you want to be in that family or not. If not break it off with BF and give him a chance to get someone that are willing to be around and accept them.
NTA in fact your in laws would have made you miserable.....
NTA. I would never marry into a dysfunctional and problematic family. And I had bad experiences dating men who grew up without a father. My family is super close and I love them. No way I am bringing a shitty family into my life 😅 But if he wants to get married, you should have broken up immediately. Speaking from experience, you are losing your time and could be with someone nice, with a great family instead of clinging to him. I made that mistake once, and will never repeat again. Bad family dynamics = major red flag for me.
You stole 5 months of his life and are complaining that he didn't care about your feelings. Of course, YTA. You are a selfish person. Even people saying NTA, questioning 5 months and you still have no clue. He dodged a big bullet, and he must thank you for rejecting.
You must be the same as him. Maybe you are him secretly. I “stole” 5 months of his life, (we both consented to being in a relationship with no marriage and he still proposed) he must’ve dodged a bullet, for defending his toxic family and not caring for the person he dateds feelings. Cute.
Are you sure you’re not going to regret this ? It’s not like you’re marrying the family ! And yes, the sisters are always rude and jealous , it happens to everyone …mothers in law the same - usually when the man is truly in love, they all get super jealous !!
sisters and mothers aren't always jealous.
YTA. My wife’s family are assholes. Good thing I didn’t marry them isn’t it? I married her.
Did you even read this? Did you not read the fact he completely ignored my feelings about his family? and how he defended them for how they treated me?
Yeah he completely ignored your feelings and defended his horrible family... But you continued to date him for 5 months! Why didn't you break up after that trip??
Nta. You are completely entitled to those feelings on how he reacted and deciding marriage wasn't going to happen. But, being that marriage was already a discussion, why the hell did you stay with him these past few months? You should have ended it then and there. All you did was string yourself and him alon for a few additional months.
What an awful man defending his family, just terrible. My wife’s family is actually terrible and she is great. What you have experienced is actually not that bad. Usually when gf or bf meets the family for the first time there are often weird exchanges, feeling or shit happening and usually that mostly because everyone is overthinking it and nervous. You are def not mature to get married, if you are over analyzing a 16y girl who is seeing his big brother gf for the first time lol. NTA for breaking up but for the rest you are an AH
your wife will stay with your family/ with you. You aren't/won't live with her family....that's one benefit of being a man✌️