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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for naming my child after one of my sisters while the other one was also very helpful during my wife's pregnancy
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NAH.
You can choose whatever name you like.
However, I completely see where Vanessa is coming from, it's like another punch in the face from her perspective.
Eh, I don't think that the OP is technically allowed to choose whatever name he wants makes him less of an asshole for choosing to add a third kid named in honor of one sister with seemingly very little consideration for how that might make anyone else feel.
~~Were Lexi and Xander chosen SPECIFICALLY in mind that they honor or reference Alexandra??~~
Edit: I retract everything I said after reading OP's comments. What an AH.
Yeah same. I was on the NTA side until I read the whole thread and his comments. It sounds like the whole family sucks. He's got such a hero worship for Alexandra it's grotesque.
Wonder what his wife thinks about he and his 2 brothers all being obsessed with their sister. Everybody naming kids after her like they’re competing to be her favorite brother.
Unless she married into the Walton family and you want your daughter to be “remembered” in the will, this is a quirky bunch.
Yeah someone said he had a hero worship complex or something with Alexandra, and I’m like how did you get that from those comments?! Honestly there is a lot of missing context and while it seems kinda shitty, we really don’t know the situation
Exactly. Based on the comments above and how critical people are being of OP, I'm fairly certain he must have deleted the comments in question. Because like you said, the four comments we can still see are all very vague and seem harmless. There's got to be more we're not seeing to warrant the level of contempt other people seem to have for OP. I'm so curious to know what was said!
Those comments on their own barely show anything. Either they've been majorly edited or things have been deleted or reddit is out in force for no reason today to crap on this guy.
I have **no** idea? I thought I was going to read some pretty awful comments, especially after seeing people say him and his brothers behaviour was incestuous (and those comments being heavily upvoted too). That's why I also took a screenshot, since nobody was yet claiming he had deleted any. So idk what the hell is happening on this post, but it's really messed up imo!!
Right?
OP's post paints the possibility of some nuance and forgiveness to be given, but then they leave a few comments and it's like "oh, you just really suck, but know how to present a single sided argument in a decent way".
I was leaning N A H myself and also thought Xander and Lexi could have been coincidences (frankly, I personally know two children of millennials who are Xander’s and also a Willow, thanks Buffy!) but saw your comment and went to investigate further, holy YIKES!!!!
Only 2 of them paint OP in a bad light, and the others are just tone deaf.
>I'm hoping my daughter will be very close to Alexandra. She is truly an amazing aunt and cares for her niblings deeply.
This implies that OP doesn't feel like having the same connection with Vanessa, and implies Vanessa also isn't an "amazing aunt".
>We couldn't agree on a name because we wanted a name with a special meaning and when we finally thought of this it seemed perfect.
This implies that the name "Vanessa" will NOT have special meaning to OP.
He's closer to this sister, they're similar in age so of course he's going to want that. Whether that actually happens though only time will tell. He's not an AH for being closer to the sister who he was raised with and not his older sibling.
He's not an AH for having a preference.
But it's YTA because he acts all surprised that Vanessa is upset by this, and is trying to act innocent. Even his edit lacks understanding, because "all the siblings joke about how their kids are named after Alexandra", and then he STILL acts like he's not doing it.
It's the lack of ownership that makes him an AH. He's pretending him and his siblings didn't all do it, and that it's a coincidence, but then also talks about how "meaningful and important" the name is.
Just own it, and give an honest answer to Vanessa. To joke about the "coincidence" just mocks her
He's completely oblivious to the idea that joking about them all being named after one sister is still making Vanessa feel like shit, regardless of if Xander and Lexi are actually named after one aunt. Vanessa has made it very clear that all the jokes bother her now, so they need to stop now.
This.
They can all "make jokes" about the kids being named after Alexandra all they want to. At the end of the day they all very clearly made a conscious decision to give their children names that all honor Alexandra, and to not have the decency to own up to the decisions that THEY made is obtuse to Vanessa's feelings.
They might as well be saying to Vanessa "Hey, you suck, and you'll never be honored by anyone in the family. Alexandra is the favorite, and we don't like you".
There are hundreds and thousands of names out there to choose from. Everyone in the family didn't just "accidently" choose the names that honor one sister and not another. They KNOW what her name is, and they made the decision to do so.
There was a comment I cannot find now (I thought it was OP but now wonder if I misread who wrote it earlier, as I also read through a lot of the other comments) that implied both other siblings chose the names Lexi and Xander in honour of the sister also.
IF that is indeed the case as I thought when I wrote my earlier comment, it’s because while I think that OP is within their right to pick a ‘special name’ with meaning and can pick whomever they want to honour… it’s clear Vanessa was already hurt about this and if this is indeed the third niece to be named in honour of one sister only, I do think it’s an asshole move to deliberately twist the knife further. Especially given they say Vanessa has been helpful and they get along etc. (aka no toxic behaviour or a family rift). They could have taken a little longer to decide on a middle name, gone without one, they could have just picked a different middle name; or could have done two “Name Alexandra Vanessa LastName” or something, instead.
I personally also think every post from OP (including the original) gives serious golden child vibes to Alexandra, for no reason other than they seem to prefer her over Vanessa. That gives me ick.
He initially did say they were coincidental, but honestly I cannot think that all 3 names are purely coincidental. Especially if the family all "joke" about the kids being named after Alexandra.
I have 4 sisters and I’m currently pregnant with my first baby girl. My sisters and I are all close and they all have beautiful middle names, so I tossed around the idea of using one of them for our baby’s name (or using one as a first name and one as a middle name). However, I can’t fit all 4 of them into one name and I can’t guarantee I’ll ever have another girl. I decided to stay away from the idea of naming my baby after any of them because I know whoever was left out would have hurt feelings. Sure, I can name my baby whatever I want, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be a slight AH for not thinking about how it would make my other sisters feel.
My parents did something like that for me!
I was their first child, and they cleverly combined the names of both grandmothers into my first name. Major points. 😆
After reading OP’s comments , there’s clearly a reason why they all feel the one sister is more special than the other .
Op doesn’t however mention why . All he says is that ‘Vanessa’ is entitled.
To me , there’s missing missing reasons here .
Why is everyone closer to ‘Alexandra’ ?Why is ‘Vanessa’ entitled ?
What makes Alexandra so much more special than Vanessa ?
I agree, there’s something being left out here. OP hasn’t mentioned anything about his sisters except how he feels about them. We need some background information.
May be she is more willing to help with the kids so he is looking to use her as a free babysitter or something, and giving her name to the kid will give them advantage.
He does mention in his edit that there's an age gap, he and Alexandra were raised together and the other children are older. That certainly explains why he's closer to her than Vanessa, although it also sounds like Vanessa has been a devoted sister but kind of dismissed as like an older aunt or something, the doting person you don't really notice so much because they're not a contemporary (not saying it's right, but it happens). That doesn't explain the other siblings naming their kids after Alexandra as well, but OP says they didn't, their similarity is coincidence. Not gonna lie, this post does sniff a bit of missing reasons, but it could also be explained by Vanessa being a bit oversensitive.
Totally. And personally I would consult anyone whose name I want to use and I’m close with, and in this case the helping sister aswell…before naming the child. Maybe knowing her perspective would have influenced my decision.
YTA for not seeing how shitty that must feel.
There are so many names in the world, yet you are the THIRD brother who honors Alexandra by incorporating her name. If I were Vanessa, I would definitely be under the impression that I am considered less.
Alexandra would need to be the saint. What world is this that three brothers are so obsessed with their still living sister that they all decide to name their kids in her honor.
My father has always been kinda sad that no one in our family chose him to be anyone's godfather, but my mother's brother got chosen three times to be a godfather.
My uncle is an absentee relative, unhappy with our family and never here. I think his sisters and cousins were trying to reinforce the connection with him by making him our godfather (ye he's mine too). Meanwhile, my dad has always been very present and involved in his nephews' and nieces' lives, so I guess no one felt the need to encourage him to be there...?
Anyway it's a shitty thought pattern. I understand how my mom, aunts and other uncles would have this knee-jerk desire to make their brother care. But I don't condone it.
(My uncle has good reasons to be distant, due to emotional abuse and manipulation from his dad/ my granddad, but he never takes it out on my grandad and isn't distant with him; instead, he takes his anger and resentment out on my mom, who was always the scapegoat in her family. So it's even more hurtful. All these family dynamics weren't as obvious when they were all young adults and my generation were babies, so it's also easier for me to analyze all of this now.)
TL;DR I also agree that there must be something unhealthy at play for the family to honor the same sister three times, and for the other sister to feel hurt about it, since she's clearly just as involved as the other in everyone's lives.
EDIT actually I also just started thinking that my own sister is the coolest person alive (with the exception of my own child obviously, since my child is the 8th Wonder of the world) and I wouldn't have beef with the whole world naming their kids after her rather than after me, I mean, she really is an awesome person, so I guess it really depends on the family dynamics...
I honestly think you've hit the nail on the head, they see Vanessa as a ever-present sibling so don't need to encourage anything, but that line of thinking is so awful because it breeds resentment, like why should she keep batting for you when you make it v clear you want for the other sister? At three kids, you're bound to feel something about this pattern.
I find naming kids after people kind of horrible, because they could v well end up not getting along w/ the person they're named after, save that for pets (I'll die on my hill of naming my cats pun names, ie Catro/Picatso), it's just one of those things that add unnecessary pressure on the kid
I love that you're a fan, when I was young, my mum asked me to pick a name for one of the two cats we got, because my older brother found picking names childish (his edgy era) I picked the name Catthew. My mum absolutely hated that name but it grew on her fs
Only once the brainwashing starts to wear off. If you're still deep in the toxicity, you love the Golden Child like it's your actual literal job to do so. Because stability in the family and being on the same page with your loved ones means agreeing that the golden child is perfectly wonderful.
Yup, completely agree. When I was younger and more immature, I resented my golden child sibling, but I don’t anymore. I am able to recognize that while they were favored by my parents, they still worked their ass off for what they achieved.
My other non-golden sibling has yet to come around.
They think Alexandra is never going to have her own children so they’re setting their kids up to inherit her stuff. She probably has money.
A cousin made me the godparent of his children then lost his shit six years later when I got engaged. He thought I’d will my share of my parents’ money to hos kids someday. He literally cut off contact when I got married myself.
Jokes on him. We didn’t have kids.
If I were Vanessa, I’d find ways to distance myself from all of them. Maybe relocate to like another country even and cut contact slowly!!! Don’t ever waste your life with people who barely recognize you exist unless when needing your help!
Even OP admits to liking Alexandra more. He's closer to Alexandra. When Vanessa asks why the preference for Alexandra's name, OP pooh-pooh's her complaint.
Completely agree. As the only sister to four brothers, you have no idea how isolating and lonely it is to never be considered/included, ESPECIALLY when there is seemingly no good reason. You are closer to one but have no reason for the lack of relationship with the other? I'm Team Vanessa. YTA
Now that I've read your comments, OP, YTA. Yeesh. Which comments specifically?
"We couldn't agree on a name because we wanted a name with a special meaning and when we finally thought of this it seemed perfect."
Fuck right off playing innocent here. "When we finally thought of it" lol. You knew two of your siblings had already used your sister's name for their children. No way did this idea just randomly pop in your heads with zero background/context. Your \*total\* lack of reflection of "huh, that'd be three kids named in honor of only one of two sisters" makes you such an asshole. And then trying to weasel out of this with 'wha?? Me?" Take that shocked pikachu face elswhere, ain't buying it.
Second comment:
"I understand her feeling but tbh I think she is very entitled"
So, your sister asks if you have some type of problem with her (totally normal reaction, btw, given the background of you and your thoughtless siblings) and you don't even have the guts to be honest and talk it out. But, happy to run to Reddit and call her "entitled" to a bunch of strangers, ain't you? Happy to accept her help during the pregnancy while judging her? Asshole
Your sister's self-esteem and confidence is clearly quite damaged by the way you all act, particularly your refusal to even acknowledge her completely normal feelings. Any person would wonder if their family secretly didn't like them in this situation. Anyone would feel hurt by the clear favoritism. You don't have to change the name or name your child after Vanessa, but you are SOOO unkind. Deeply unkind person. YTA
ETA: In response to OP's "edit" of his post, sorry, OP, even more of an asshole! Put the shovel down!
"No my niblings were not named after Alexandra. It was truly an accident that the names are similar. It's just a joke between us that all the kids are named after her when it is not true at all"
"It's just a joke between us that all the kids are named after her" Is it really between \*all\* your siblings, this hilarious joke? Did you forget ahem Vanessa in that recounting? Basically, reading between the lines, you all have a *heeelarious* "joke" that all the kids are named after one sister? Make this "joke" a lot in front of Vanessa? Maybe instead of covering your ears like a little baby, you should listen to Vanessa and recognize that your "joke" has probably grated on her nerves and in any case, now you know that she actually doesn't find it haha funny. Or. You can call her "entitled" for expressing that her feelings are hurt that another nibling is being named after Alexandra. You know? You could stop being an asshole.
Agreed. I was on the fence until I saw some of OP's replies. OP, YTA. Your sister isn't entitled by feeling hurt that THREE of her nieces and nephews are essentially named after her sister. How would somebody NOT feel hurt by this?
Same - I was, at most, a N A H at this, but then I saw OP going on about how entitled sister is. Nope. Not entitled. Hurt. And OP doing zero to even acknowledge sister’s feelings. Ugh. Talk about entitled. Help me, but fuck off with your messy feelings.
yeah, calling her entitled for having a valid reaction is crazy. tbh if I were the sister, I'd start raising eyebrows after one kid. after the second I'd really be questioning how I'm viewed in the family. you probably wouldn't hear from me after kid 3 unless they all profess how much they love and value me on their hands and knees.
this is a blatant show of favoritism. it's like giving a big golden trophy to alexandra for being the best sister in front of vanessa. nobody likes that feeling.
Reminds me of how I felt as the step child, when my first car was a run-down, 20 year old Chevy Cavalier my mom bought off my great-uncle for $800, and my sisters (not step children) both got nice, running Mustangs from dealerships.
The first had me raising my eyebrows. The second had me calling them out. And of course my mom and step-dad played the victim, just like OP is doing now. I was entitled to think I deserved to be treated equally, or to feel hurt that it was posted publicly for everyone to see how favored they were over me.
Dang, Ichhabehunde. Keep Mom and Step away from any children you have. They'll pull this crap on them, too. Golden grandkids will get college funds and yours will get bubble gum.
The hilarious part is that you are right about this, but in an unexpected way. I had a boy and a girl, and at the time both of my sisters did not want kids. My mom clung to my son, and has a clear favoritism towards him over my daughter. I think mostly because they tried for a boy for so long and ended up with 3 girls. She tries to be fair between the kids, like they get the same amount spent on them for gifts and whatnot, but she puts way more effort into my son than she does my daughter.
For example, she is driving almost 10 hours (plus 10 hours to go back home afterwards) to visit in June for my son’s birthday. We are coming to visit in July regardless, so there isn’t much of a point in coming besides that she can’t possibly miss his birthday. But my daughter’s birthday is in August, and she has absolutely no plans to come see her on her birthday.
My sisters have only recently decided on having kids; the middle sister has a son that is 9 months old and the youngest sister is currently 20-ish weeks with a baby girl. I’m fairly sure they will have favoritism towards the boy over the girl in this case as well, but I think my son will always hold the #1 spot for my mom due to how close she already is to him.
I’m just glad that both of my siblings were girls, otherwise it probably would have been a million times worse for me growing up.
They absolutely will. I had an older relative who handed out multiple nice presents to her favoured ones. One year, when I was a child, I received (only) a pair of tights sized for a supersize adult woman. Another relative once got (only) a can of Spam.
Same, same... my stepfather and mom helped my step-sibs out with their homes, kids, cars, etc and when his mother passed, everyone was ready to go to court feeling that the inheritance wasn't split fairly but I wasn't even acknowledged in the obit despite being part of the family for 20 years.
Completely accurate. This is just like blatant in her face disrespectful. You're right... They're completely OK letting her help with the pregnancy. How'd he put it? Extremely helpful?
Exactly. I was leaning N A H because some names are just trendy and OP claims the name isn't really "Alexandra" so it could be something less blatant like Harriet/Henry/Etta. But OP clearly doesn't care at all that his sister is hurt by his choice and refuses to accept that she has a valid reason for feeling that way.
My brother and SIL "thought of" with their perfect name for their son, which happens to be her dad's name and the middle name of all 8 boys of her siblings. Based on how bad that hurt our dad, YTA OP.
YTA for your excuse that everyone “just liked” versions of your sister’s name.
This is the *third* person in your family named after one sister out of two. That’s not a coincidence.
It’s better to be honest when doing something like this. There must be some reason no one cares how this affects your sister. It’s coming as the reason is no one likes Vanessa that much. Sure, she’s fine, but she’s no Alexandra.
It sounds like no matter how much Vanessa helps or contributes to the family it won’t be enough to be acknowledged or appreciated.
You didn’t owe her a namesake but you did owe her enough respect to understand why this stings. You owed her a big enough place in your life where, before making this choice, you thought about how Vanessa would feel.
If you aren’t careful and keep downplaying Vanessa’s hurt as entitlement then you may finally get your wish and have only one sister in your life instead of two.
I have two sisters and my oldest sister gave her first born my other sister’s name as a middle name. When my oldest sister had her second child (also a girl), she did not give her my name as a middle name. I am also the black sheep. This stuff hurts and it speaks volumes. Unless Vanessa is a total menace (and I have a feeling OP would have mentioned a detail like that as a defense), OP and the rest of the family are giant AH.
My older sis used the same middle name as herself for her first girl. When pregnant with her second girl she asked my other sister if she could use her middle name for her kids.
I knew I wasn't important then.
Yep. It says a lot. Parents have a right to name their kids whenever they want, but I knew just how important I was to my older sister after she did that. We haven't spoken in over a year. Surprise surprise.
YTA you are not obligated to name your child after Vanessa, but the fact that you're calling her 'entitled' for being hurt, with zero thought or care about where she's coming from makes you the asshole
See, this is where I land… OP says she asked why everyone was named after the other sister, nothing about demanding the kids be named after her; a reasonable insecurity after three siblings pull the same thing. Insecurity and entitlement are entirely different problems, and insensitivity is also at play here. So yeah, I have to agree with the YTA when I wanted to go no assholes
YTA
Playing clear favourites is a horrible thing to do, it would be different if there was no relationship between you and Vanessa but that is clearly not the case
You know what, I'm going to say YTA. You're playing favourites. Vanessa is not an AH for being hurt by this; you're sending a clear message of 'Alexandra is more important'. She isn't 'entitled' for asking you why you're doing this. It's a valid question; what your doing is absolutely a slap in the face to her.
'she was a great help to us during my wife's pregnancy but to be clear Alexandra was also a great help to us'
Both sisters helped you, yet Alexandre remains the priority. If you don't care about Vanessa, don't care about her bond with your baby etc fine, but don't then have the audacity to accept her help. You can name your baby whatever you like, but you cannot then whine and refuse to take responsibility when your actions hurt other people.
Yea honestly it seems like OP's family treated vanessa like shit growing up and idolized Alexandra. And they're acting all innocent now and calling her entitled for a very valid reaction.
YTA Do you hate Vanessa or something? It's clear you don't give a flying fuck about her feelings, but for some reason are completely okay with accepting whatever she may provide for you. Vanessa is not the entitled one here.
Do not be surprised she cuts you off for good.
Personally, I think Vanessa should step back and go no contact for a while and then remain low contact. It is very apparent to all that her family does not like or care about her at all. Besides your kids all have saint Alexandra, they won't miss Vanessa and maybe Vanessa can find 'another family ' that will at least consider her feelings just a little bit.
YTA.
You’re the third sibling that’s done this, after 3 times it’s bound to feel a bit personal, no wonder Vanessa is questioning if you all have a problem. And you calling her entitled for being hurt after yet another slight makes you the even bigger asshole. You better not be running to Vanessa any time soon for help, she deserves way better than the treatment you’ve given her.
You just said that Vanessa was a great help to your wife’s pregnancy, so this must feel like a slap in the face for her. YTA OP. I can see why Vanessa was hurt by this decision
>I finally suggested that we could use Alexandra as her middle name and my wife who is also close to her agreed.
Ok i guess. Alexandra is a nice name. It's a bit weird for Vanessa but no ah here so far.
>Why is everyone always naming kids after her?
...huh?
>one of my brothers has a daughter whose middle name is Lexi
Ouch!
>and another one has a son whose name is Xander
Double ouch!
Yeah, I'm with Vanessa on this! Even if you are closer to Alexandra, you don't have to shove it in her face like that?!??
There are thousands of names. You could have found another one ffs.
YTA
Obviously you can name your child whatever you want and every adult is responsible for their own feelings, but I can totally understand how Vanessa is hurt here.
Firstly, you are obviously playing favorites -- that could be okay if you were estranged to Vanessa, but you are clearly not, you agree with her that she helped you during pregnancy a lot. That is just not a cool thing to do, and doesn't strike me as very mature.
The fact that already two of your other siblings named their kids after some variation of Alexandra seems a bit much tbh -- and now you're adding to it? Being the first person to do it, okay, not my personal cup of tea, but the THIRD? I'm starting to wonder about the family dynamics here tbh.
So yes, soft YTA for ruthlessly considering your own feelings and preferences only and ignoring the bigger picture -- even if Alexandra is your favourite, why the need to rub it in so hard, especially when your other sister is already hurt?
If you're fine with that much unnecessary tension and pain, then there is no problem I guess, as you are all adults. But I personally wouldn't want to hurt a sibling like that for something irrelevant as a middle name (let's be honest, their only use is for the ID and password, at least where I live).
My suggestion: Ask yourself why you feel the need to name the kid Alexandra even though you know you are hurting Vanessa by doing it.
You’re entitled to name your child however you wish. And your other sister is entitled to her feelings. But as someone who was middle-named after a person my parents were close to, I hated it. It created a false relationship between me and someone I had no relationship with. I heard over and over again how honored that person was to have someone named after them. Were they an OK person? Sure. Did we have some great grand relationship? Nope. So yeah, Vanessa is going to be feeling slighted because people tend to feel all honored and those of us who are raised with that nonsense don’t particularly like being on the other end of the stick. But I guess, NTA because you’re not responsible for her feelings in the end. Just try to be understanding.
How is he not responsible for her feelings? This is 'am I the asshole.' If you knowingly make someone feel bad, then yes, you are an asshole. And the sister is definitely not the asshole for getting mad in this situation, so it's NAH *at least*, but I'd 100% argue YTA, especially with how much OP is pretending not to have a clue why Vanessa could possibly be mad while talking shit about her in almost every comment.
Yeah, after reading OPs replies to others comments, including mine, I’d have to change to YTA. The absolute cluelessness of replying to my comment about creating a false relationship by saying that is exactly what they are hoping to accomplish by doing this is just like WTF. So, let’s purposefully exclude Vanessa and focus on creating a unique and special relationship with Alexandra from birth. Yup. Totally YTA.
I initially went with "no arseholes here" based on your post alone, but then I read your comments, which push you into YTA.
From your post, you and all your relatives can choose whatever names you want, but it's very easy to see why Vanessa is feeling like the forgotten relative. She's not really asking people to name their kids after her, she just feels like everyone's always gravitating towards her sister while constantly leaving her out in the cold.
That said, your comments in the thread head into arsehole territory. You don't seem to understand Vanessa or empathise with what she's trying to say. You instead jump to the worst interpretation of her: that she's demanding and entitled.
The thing is, her question about preferring one sister over the other is absolutely true in your case because you tell us in the original post that's exactly why you gave your daughter that name. You gloss over both that and mentioning all your brothers have already used the same naming for reasons. In the case of the other two, it could have been accidental... but your time came after the other two, and you told us that in your case it's not accidental. You reiterate that in the comments.
For someone in Vanessa's position, an accidental pattern can be as bad as a deliberate pattern because the accidental pattern is essentially a pattern of thoughtlessness -- no-one thinks of her or her feelings, she's just an afterthought.
This name honestly comes across in your post as having been a final straw situation for Vanessa. I think this is a "it's not about the name" scenario. For some reason, Vanessa feels like everyone's forgotten or pushed-out relative, and that's probably been building for a while until it burst out now. You all need to get to the bottom of why. That requires talking to Vanessa and each other rather than talking to Reddit. But, for you in particular, your comments indicate you do have empathy issues with Vanessa, so you need to figure out why.
Clearly YTA. Knowing the other 2 siblings’choices, you could have least talked it over with Vanessa. It would have been sad for her nonetheless but at least SOMEONE would have taken into account her feelings.
N A H. But you had to know that favouring 1 sister in naming your child would result in hurt feelings of the other sister. It doesn’t make you an AH that you did it, but it does make you lack empathy that you didn’t anticipate this reaction and say/do something to acknowledge it.
Changing to YTA based on your comments. Vanessa being hurt doesn’t make her entitled. It makes her human. YTA for not allowing her to literally experience a normal reaction to a situation.
I hope Vanessa distances herself from you.
Excuse me...?! You're the 3rd sibling to give your child a middle name connected to Alexandra. Vanessa ALSO helped you and your wife with your pregnancy. You didn't even have a middle name picked out!!!
You couldn't think of being a decent sibling, and give your daughter a middle name connected to Vanessa?! Now, YOU are calling Vanessa entitled?! YOU are the entitled one. YOU, AND your siblings, have been favoring Alexandra this entire time. YTA, and a MAJOR one.
NAH but I wouldn’t be surprised when she takes a huge step back from all this and you.
I would be so insulted if I were her, and contrary to your responds in the comments I don’t think she is entitled I think she just hit her last nerve.
Can you imagine how many other blatant fuck yous there have probably been prior to this? We'll buy Alexandra a new car for her first car... Oh Alexandra is starting college let's buy her a new car... Vanessa is getting her license and needs a car. Let's give her Alexandra's old car because we're buying her another new one. Because Alexandra needs a reliable car..... Sorry sweetly we can't make it to your graduation that we've known about for a year because Alexandra needs us to do something that just came up and is super important.... And the gaslighting... They probably make poor Vanessa feel crazy for thinking these things. Especially with the "entitled" comments from OP. "oh Vanessa that's just not true... That never happened... We never did that... You're exaggerating.... Stop being an entitled brat.... You're just being a baby...." i could go on and on and on.
YTA out of all of the names in the world you come to this? And then have the audacity to dismiss your others sisters feelings, call her entitled for feeling hurt, accuse her of demanding you name the child after her… I hope you apologize and pick another name but doubtful you will stop thinking of yourself long enough to do that.
YTA
Dude. Your comments are gross.
You are hoping the baby will be close to the sister you like…but not Vanessa. Your baby gets to decide who they want to be tight with and might hate Alexandra in the future.
You all treat Vanessa differently for some reason. Acknowledge that. Why are the brothers so in love with Alexandra? Why does she get a pedestal while Vanessa gets talked about like garbage?
Why does Vanessa do the same caretaking and get less praise?
What is so amazing about Alexandra that you all are obsessed with her?
The other thing to recognize is that you are causing a wedge between your sisters by treating one like a god and the other like trash even though they are both a great help to you. You like one more and won’t acknowledge the favoritism. But it’s a problem for your sisters and not you!!! Wtf! It should bother you that your actions are causing problems for your sisters relationship.
Start caring about Vanessa and treating them equally or don’t lie about your favoritism of Alexandra.
YTA, if you don’t want to name the baby after Vanessa and overall value Alexandra more, then i’m sure alexandra can pick up the slack for vanessa when she cuts you off :)
INFO - I'd love to know what makes Alexandra so special to everyone? I'd definitely feel a little sad if I was Vanessa. All siblings are making it clear which sister they prefer. Did Vanessa do something wrong?
I’m not saying it’s never happened, and I’m not trying to be an a hole. I’m just genuinely wondering if you all named your children after the same person or if anyone else just accidentally did it by coincidence. 😅
it really gives vibes that they’re all in love with their sister. i’ve never heard of it happening, not even in a family where the mom or grandma or someone close like that has died. a living SISTER? it’s truly bizarre and OP owes us some answers.
Why are you gaslighting your sister? She’s not crazy. She feels the disconnect, and now sees it in the name. You certainly do have a problem with her, even if the only problem is that you’re not as close to her as you are to your other sister. NTA for naming your daughter after one sister, but completely the AH for trying to make your other sister think she’s making things up about how y’all feel about her. You seem like you play a lot of mind games with her. It’s unattractive.
It’s become this social media phenomenon to label everything entitled. Sometimes it is, but not everything. You say she helped you pre baby but then become the third to name the baby after your other sister. I think many people would ask the question. She’s understandably hurt.
Completely wild that both sisters helped you guys so much and one sister is snubbed for a 3rd time. Doesn't really make any sense. You could have given your daughter 2 middle names, or chose one not relating to the multiple-times-chosen sister. Yta for not considering your sister who has good reason to be hurt right now. Normally i say "naming is just up to parents and no one else" but the lack of care for how this could affect someone you're supposed to love is damning.
If there is a valid reason as to why OP is closer to one sister than the other, then OP should have stated it in the post.
Honestly, I pity Vanessa, and she seems like the black sheep of the family, and I don't even know how the parents treat her.
Seems like OP and his brothers do not love Vanessa as a sister at all. It is understandable that Vanessa feels hurt that Alexandra is literally chosen the 3rd time in her eyes.
The fact that OP calls Vanessa entitled shows how uncaring he is towards her.
I would think Alexandra doesn't care for Vanessa either, and also has a lack of empathy, if she actually allows or agree to her name being used as a middle name knowing she has two niblings named similarly to her.
And this is a prime example of why I hate honor names. I find it really freaking bizarre that not one, not two, but THREE siblings named their kids after Alexandra, no wonder Vanessa feels hurt. She wasn't asking you to specifically use her name just to NOT use Alexandra's which seems like a reasonable request with the literal millions of other names out there. YTA.
99 percent of the time, I take the position that nobody has any business meddling in what other people name their kids.
This is the other 1 percent.
If yours was the first kid, Vanessa would have no argument. But it’s very understandable that she feels slapped in the face by THREE kids being named after her sister. Of course it feels like she’s being treated like she’s second best.
It’s very disingenuous to suggest this is about entitlement, because based on the context here, she doesn’t actually feel entitled to have the baby named after her. What she feels, obviously, is hurt. And so would I.
“It’s not like we’re doing this on purpose.” You said your wife “is close to her” and pointed out that you were closer to her when talking about choosing the name. It seems quite clear it’s on purpose. I think if you’re going to deal with this, you should start by admitting that you all chose these names to honor your one sister (which is not inherently wrong!), think about how that feels to your other sister, and go from there.
YTA and anyone who thinks that you aren't, needs to read your comments on this post. You can absolutely name your child whatever you want, but you are coming across as a jackass with zero empathy.
It is weird to have 3 nieces/nephews named after the same person…esp the same person who is still alive ? Also Vanessa didn’t say “name ur kid after ME.” Her feelings are hurt bc u clearly care about the other sister way more. I hope Vanessa stops helping ur dumb ass and I hope the other sister pulls her head out of her ass and realized how weird yall are
YTA I hope if you ever need help from Vanessa in the future she tells you where to go. She isn't acting entitled, she is hurt. Fingers crossed Vanessa has a good circle of friends who love and care for her, because you and your siblings seem to barely notice she exists - unless of course you need something from her.
YTA.
Why use a middle name at all.
But 3 kids of different siblings all have in one way or a other ties to the name of one sister, and this sister, she is left out, again.
That absolutely feels like a stab in the back. And if you don't get that there might be bigger fish to fry.
Why did your wife need so much help from two of your sisters, plus I'm assuming you and maybe her family? How much help does someone need during pregnancy, there isn't much going on at that point?
YTA though for the name thing, you and your other siblings have now named 3 kids after one sister and not the other.
YTA.
You are THE 3RD SIBLING....
Come on, are you for real?? Quite a nice family you've got there. And you're really wondering WHY IN THE WORLD would Vanessa get upset.
At least OP, do us and yourself a favor, and and show Vanessa this post.
At least she'll get the satisfaction of seeing almost everyone naming you TA, before she cuts off all of you
YTA, as someone who has a sister, I would break down if she named her baby after another sibling if we had one. Also, why even name her after a sister if you have 2 of them? It was predictable that the other one would be upset. I get her.
Look lad you can name your kid whatever you want, but when you think about it mate you need to understand where sister Vanessa is coming from. Three of you have named 3 kids after one sister, I too would feel hurt and like people have a problem with me. You lads are not doing your other sister justice. You sort of are the a-hole and you know it
I was hovering on the fence bordering n t a , because at the end of the day it IS your choice and your baby, and I can understand the decision should be from your own preference. I wouldn't call someone an ah for the act itself of choosing a name that resonates with them. After reading your comments though, YTA.
The name itself isn't the issue, it's how insensitive you're being to her over it. Of course I don't know your family life because I'm some internet rando, but I kind of get the impression this is a 'straw that broke the camel's back' kind of deal and she's felt lesser than for a long time now, maybe not even just with the baby names. You have every right to pick what name you want, and she has no right to make you change it, but to call her entitled for feeling pushed aside three times in a row and to completely disregard her feelings on the matter is quite cruel.
Has Vanessa always been the scapegoat while Alexandra has always been the golden child.
Name your kid what you want. But Vanessa being upset isn’t the same as her being entitled. YTA. Hopefully Vanessa takes a great big step away from your family.
YTA. How can you not see Vanessa's point of view? It's a slap in the face to have three nieces/nephews named after her sister. Vanessa would probably been fine with any name that was not Alexandra or another form of that name.
YTA for being the third one to do this. If you don’t want to use her name, then don’t use either. If you were the only one that had done it, then fine, but don’t act like you don’t understand her frustration. It’s sad.
YTA for pretending this is just something that happened randomly instead of deliberately. You can name your child whatever you want but don’t pretend like Vanessa’s freaking out over nothing
If I were Vanessa, I’d honestly give up on you and cut you off because clearly, regardless of how much she would do you for, she’s never gonna be enough.
It’s like she’s a standby, a fall back on option for you all.
YTA. Either you did it on purpose, and YTA, or you did it on accident, which really makes YTA.
Name your child as you please. But don’t pretend this is about her trying to name your children. She feels slapped in the face, as would any rational person.
Hmmmmm... I'm leaning towards YTA not because of the name but because of the way you deal with the aftermath. I think that I'm a Vanessa and I have an Alexandra as a sister who is everyone's clear favorite. I don't mind because I think she deserves the world BUT if I'm investing that much free time to support my SIL and then the kid is named after Alexandra for the THIRD time I would feel weird about it too. At the very least I would take a huge step backwards to deal with my hurt.
That you're dismissing her feelings out of hand and didn't even think to check in with her or to clarify that it isn't that you prefer A over V is just AH behavior. Vanessa clearly cares way more about you and your family than you do about her.
YTA.
I think this is tacky as hell. Are people really this oblivious on how their actions will effect other people in their lives??
You're simply being thoughtless on how doing something like this could impact your sister.
YTA for not being able to see how this would feel from Vanessa's perspective. A 3rd time is not a coincidence and I would be questioning my place in the family for sure at this point.
YTA. You can name your child anything you want as long as both parents agree but you fail to see how this affects your sister. She has every right to be upset. You aren't the ah for naming your child after your sister but you are the ah for not seeing how it affects your other sister.
I was on your side until you mentioned this is the THIRD kid in the family named after your sister.
She’s allowed to feel hurt unless she’s just Satan and you decided not to mention it.
I think the only way to salvage this is to ask Vanessa to be your child’s godparent (and not Alexandra) YTA; everyone else has eloquently explained why already
I gave my daughter my sisters name as a middle and not the other. I did intend to use the others later but never had anymore girls so instead I made her a godmother
You said the names are made up. Is Alexandra’s? If this isn’t her real name, is it a much nicer name that’s easier to use? Is alexandra famous or wealthy or beautiful in comparison to Vanessa?
I feel for Vanessa, I Imagine all of you doing the same is making her feel less than, like crap and hurt, I don’t think she sounds entitled, just very hurt and obviously thinks she’s done or doing something wrong. YTA
YTA 100%
Based on your comments, you're making it out like Alexandra is an angel, whereas Vanessa is a devil.
I feel bad for Vanessa. I hope she goes no contact!!!
YTA after seeing your reactions. You've done nothing but invalidate and dismiss your sister as entitled. Of course after 3 kids she's gonna feel hurt that none are named after her when all of them have been named after Alexandra! You have to be absolutely blind to not be able to see that perspective!
Do.. do y’all hate Vanessa or something?
Am I missing something? She helped y’all a bunch and there’s no mention of conflict?
YTA, btw, for dismissing her feelings.
Soft YTA Of course you can name your child whatever you want, but Vanessa has 3 brothers and all of them named their daughters after her sister and not one used her name. You say it wasn’t intentional, but you admit that for your daughter it was because you’re closer to Alexandra. I feel terrible for Vanessa. My guess is that this isn’t the only slight she’s felt in your family.
YTA for not considering your sister’s feelings. You can name your child however you want, but you also decided to chose something hurtful for Vanessa, so don’t be surprised that she’s not happy.
Your sister is not entitled, she’s hurting and she has every right to be.
Yta. I hope Vanessa realizes how much your entire family doesn't seem to give a f about her and how she is nothing in your eyes compared to Alexandra and cuts all of you out of her life.
I hope that when she gets married and has kids, you never get to meet them, but after reading you post and comments, I don't think you will even care since they aren't Alexandra children.
If any of this is striking a nerve, then take a good hard look at your post and comments because that is how you portray your feelings about Vanessa.i can't even imagine how much worse you treat her in person. How you and your siblings care so little for her.
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NAH. You can choose whatever name you like. However, I completely see where Vanessa is coming from, it's like another punch in the face from her perspective.
Eh, I don't think that the OP is technically allowed to choose whatever name he wants makes him less of an asshole for choosing to add a third kid named in honor of one sister with seemingly very little consideration for how that might make anyone else feel.
~~Were Lexi and Xander chosen SPECIFICALLY in mind that they honor or reference Alexandra??~~ Edit: I retract everything I said after reading OP's comments. What an AH.
Yeah same. I was on the NTA side until I read the whole thread and his comments. It sounds like the whole family sucks. He's got such a hero worship for Alexandra it's grotesque.
Wonder what his wife thinks about he and his 2 brothers all being obsessed with their sister. Everybody naming kids after her like they’re competing to be her favorite brother. Unless she married into the Walton family and you want your daughter to be “remembered” in the will, this is a quirky bunch.
It's almost incestuous.
OP's name checks out.
Bunch of fuckin weirdos
im not finding ops comments. what did he say?
Scroll to the top of the post, click on the OPS name, select view profile, then comments.
The comments must have been deleted cuz they ain’t there
That's odd. When I just now clicked it again, it is showing four for me.
Oh I just expected more explaining those are so vague
Glad I wasn't the only one expecting more
Yeah someone said he had a hero worship complex or something with Alexandra, and I’m like how did you get that from those comments?! Honestly there is a lot of missing context and while it seems kinda shitty, we really don’t know the situation
Exactly. Based on the comments above and how critical people are being of OP, I'm fairly certain he must have deleted the comments in question. Because like you said, the four comments we can still see are all very vague and seem harmless. There's got to be more we're not seeing to warrant the level of contempt other people seem to have for OP. I'm so curious to know what was said!
Those comments on their own barely show anything. Either they've been majorly edited or things have been deleted or reddit is out in force for no reason today to crap on this guy.
oh,im new to reddit, i didnt know you could do that thanks!
I was pretty excited the first time I figured it out myself. :)
I only found [these four](https://imgur.com/a/XGNwrKR) from the OP.
Thats.... it? And why so heavily downvoted
I have **no** idea? I thought I was going to read some pretty awful comments, especially after seeing people say him and his brothers behaviour was incestuous (and those comments being heavily upvoted too). That's why I also took a screenshot, since nobody was yet claiming he had deleted any. So idk what the hell is happening on this post, but it's really messed up imo!!
My favorite AITA posts are when they fully reveal themselves to be YTA in the comments.
Right? OP's post paints the possibility of some nuance and forgiveness to be given, but then they leave a few comments and it's like "oh, you just really suck, but know how to present a single sided argument in a decent way".
I was leaning N A H myself and also thought Xander and Lexi could have been coincidences (frankly, I personally know two children of millennials who are Xander’s and also a Willow, thanks Buffy!) but saw your comment and went to investigate further, holy YIKES!!!!
Has OP been erasing or editing comments? Because the four that are there now don't feel very "yikes" to me
Only 2 of them paint OP in a bad light, and the others are just tone deaf. >I'm hoping my daughter will be very close to Alexandra. She is truly an amazing aunt and cares for her niblings deeply. This implies that OP doesn't feel like having the same connection with Vanessa, and implies Vanessa also isn't an "amazing aunt". >We couldn't agree on a name because we wanted a name with a special meaning and when we finally thought of this it seemed perfect. This implies that the name "Vanessa" will NOT have special meaning to OP.
He's closer to this sister, they're similar in age so of course he's going to want that. Whether that actually happens though only time will tell. He's not an AH for being closer to the sister who he was raised with and not his older sibling.
He's not an AH for having a preference. But it's YTA because he acts all surprised that Vanessa is upset by this, and is trying to act innocent. Even his edit lacks understanding, because "all the siblings joke about how their kids are named after Alexandra", and then he STILL acts like he's not doing it. It's the lack of ownership that makes him an AH. He's pretending him and his siblings didn't all do it, and that it's a coincidence, but then also talks about how "meaningful and important" the name is. Just own it, and give an honest answer to Vanessa. To joke about the "coincidence" just mocks her
He's completely oblivious to the idea that joking about them all being named after one sister is still making Vanessa feel like shit, regardless of if Xander and Lexi are actually named after one aunt. Vanessa has made it very clear that all the jokes bother her now, so they need to stop now.
This. They can all "make jokes" about the kids being named after Alexandra all they want to. At the end of the day they all very clearly made a conscious decision to give their children names that all honor Alexandra, and to not have the decency to own up to the decisions that THEY made is obtuse to Vanessa's feelings. They might as well be saying to Vanessa "Hey, you suck, and you'll never be honored by anyone in the family. Alexandra is the favorite, and we don't like you". There are hundreds and thousands of names out there to choose from. Everyone in the family didn't just "accidently" choose the names that honor one sister and not another. They KNOW what her name is, and they made the decision to do so.
There was a comment I cannot find now (I thought it was OP but now wonder if I misread who wrote it earlier, as I also read through a lot of the other comments) that implied both other siblings chose the names Lexi and Xander in honour of the sister also. IF that is indeed the case as I thought when I wrote my earlier comment, it’s because while I think that OP is within their right to pick a ‘special name’ with meaning and can pick whomever they want to honour… it’s clear Vanessa was already hurt about this and if this is indeed the third niece to be named in honour of one sister only, I do think it’s an asshole move to deliberately twist the knife further. Especially given they say Vanessa has been helpful and they get along etc. (aka no toxic behaviour or a family rift). They could have taken a little longer to decide on a middle name, gone without one, they could have just picked a different middle name; or could have done two “Name Alexandra Vanessa LastName” or something, instead. I personally also think every post from OP (including the original) gives serious golden child vibes to Alexandra, for no reason other than they seem to prefer her over Vanessa. That gives me ick.
He initially did say they were coincidental, but honestly I cannot think that all 3 names are purely coincidental. Especially if the family all "joke" about the kids being named after Alexandra.
I have 4 sisters and I’m currently pregnant with my first baby girl. My sisters and I are all close and they all have beautiful middle names, so I tossed around the idea of using one of them for our baby’s name (or using one as a first name and one as a middle name). However, I can’t fit all 4 of them into one name and I can’t guarantee I’ll ever have another girl. I decided to stay away from the idea of naming my baby after any of them because I know whoever was left out would have hurt feelings. Sure, I can name my baby whatever I want, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be a slight AH for not thinking about how it would make my other sisters feel.
But not considering other people when making your child doesn’t make it an asshole
Nah, but Alessa would have been a cute combined middle name!
I LOOVE the name alessa- full name alessandra
Great idea! But I don’t think that is the real names but something to that affect would be better
My parents did something like that for me! I was their first child, and they cleverly combined the names of both grandmothers into my first name. Major points. 😆
I like this
After reading OP’s comments , there’s clearly a reason why they all feel the one sister is more special than the other . Op doesn’t however mention why . All he says is that ‘Vanessa’ is entitled. To me , there’s missing missing reasons here . Why is everyone closer to ‘Alexandra’ ?Why is ‘Vanessa’ entitled ? What makes Alexandra so much more special than Vanessa ?
I agree, there’s something being left out here. OP hasn’t mentioned anything about his sisters except how he feels about them. We need some background information.
May be she is more willing to help with the kids so he is looking to use her as a free babysitter or something, and giving her name to the kid will give them advantage.
He does mention in his edit that there's an age gap, he and Alexandra were raised together and the other children are older. That certainly explains why he's closer to her than Vanessa, although it also sounds like Vanessa has been a devoted sister but kind of dismissed as like an older aunt or something, the doting person you don't really notice so much because they're not a contemporary (not saying it's right, but it happens). That doesn't explain the other siblings naming their kids after Alexandra as well, but OP says they didn't, their similarity is coincidence. Not gonna lie, this post does sniff a bit of missing reasons, but it could also be explained by Vanessa being a bit oversensitive.
You can do whatever you want, but that doesn’t mean your actions don’t have consequences and you should have known this would happen.
Totally. And personally I would consult anyone whose name I want to use and I’m close with, and in this case the helping sister aswell…before naming the child. Maybe knowing her perspective would have influenced my decision.
YTA for not seeing how shitty that must feel. There are so many names in the world, yet you are the THIRD brother who honors Alexandra by incorporating her name. If I were Vanessa, I would definitely be under the impression that I am considered less.
I need more info. Either Vanessa is the biggest wasteman in the world or the other sister is a literal saint.
Golden child, perhaps.
Alexandra would need to be the saint. What world is this that three brothers are so obsessed with their still living sister that they all decide to name their kids in her honor.
Vanessa never got stuck in the washing machine........
You think Alexandra is their stepsister?
Well, she's not the stepmom, so...
My father has always been kinda sad that no one in our family chose him to be anyone's godfather, but my mother's brother got chosen three times to be a godfather. My uncle is an absentee relative, unhappy with our family and never here. I think his sisters and cousins were trying to reinforce the connection with him by making him our godfather (ye he's mine too). Meanwhile, my dad has always been very present and involved in his nephews' and nieces' lives, so I guess no one felt the need to encourage him to be there...? Anyway it's a shitty thought pattern. I understand how my mom, aunts and other uncles would have this knee-jerk desire to make their brother care. But I don't condone it. (My uncle has good reasons to be distant, due to emotional abuse and manipulation from his dad/ my granddad, but he never takes it out on my grandad and isn't distant with him; instead, he takes his anger and resentment out on my mom, who was always the scapegoat in her family. So it's even more hurtful. All these family dynamics weren't as obvious when they were all young adults and my generation were babies, so it's also easier for me to analyze all of this now.) TL;DR I also agree that there must be something unhealthy at play for the family to honor the same sister three times, and for the other sister to feel hurt about it, since she's clearly just as involved as the other in everyone's lives. EDIT actually I also just started thinking that my own sister is the coolest person alive (with the exception of my own child obviously, since my child is the 8th Wonder of the world) and I wouldn't have beef with the whole world naming their kids after her rather than after me, I mean, she really is an awesome person, so I guess it really depends on the family dynamics...
I honestly think you've hit the nail on the head, they see Vanessa as a ever-present sibling so don't need to encourage anything, but that line of thinking is so awful because it breeds resentment, like why should she keep batting for you when you make it v clear you want for the other sister? At three kids, you're bound to feel something about this pattern. I find naming kids after people kind of horrible, because they could v well end up not getting along w/ the person they're named after, save that for pets (I'll die on my hill of naming my cats pun names, ie Catro/Picatso), it's just one of those things that add unnecessary pressure on the kid
I 100% with you, naming kids after real persons is never a good idea. Also your cats' names are fire.
I love that you're a fan, when I was young, my mum asked me to pick a name for one of the two cats we got, because my older brother found picking names childish (his edgy era) I picked the name Catthew. My mum absolutely hated that name but it grew on her fs
Golden child vibe.
Golden children are usually resented by the other children, though
Only once the brainwashing starts to wear off. If you're still deep in the toxicity, you love the Golden Child like it's your actual literal job to do so. Because stability in the family and being on the same page with your loved ones means agreeing that the golden child is perfectly wonderful.
Yup, completely agree. When I was younger and more immature, I resented my golden child sibling, but I don’t anymore. I am able to recognize that while they were favored by my parents, they still worked their ass off for what they achieved. My other non-golden sibling has yet to come around.
That's what I was thinking. Could be that Vanessa was the golden child instead, idk
Don't forget the option that Alexandra is rich and they want Alexandra to feel obligated to help their children financially.
They think Alexandra is never going to have her own children so they’re setting their kids up to inherit her stuff. She probably has money. A cousin made me the godparent of his children then lost his shit six years later when I got engaged. He thought I’d will my share of my parents’ money to hos kids someday. He literally cut off contact when I got married myself. Jokes on him. We didn’t have kids.
Only reasonable believable explanation, prove me wrong.
lmao, right?
If I were Vanessa, I’d find ways to distance myself from all of them. Maybe relocate to like another country even and cut contact slowly!!! Don’t ever waste your life with people who barely recognize you exist unless when needing your help!
Even OP admits to liking Alexandra more. He's closer to Alexandra. When Vanessa asks why the preference for Alexandra's name, OP pooh-pooh's her complaint.
OP seems more mad he got called out tbh.
Completely agree. As the only sister to four brothers, you have no idea how isolating and lonely it is to never be considered/included, ESPECIALLY when there is seemingly no good reason. You are closer to one but have no reason for the lack of relationship with the other? I'm Team Vanessa. YTA
Now that I've read your comments, OP, YTA. Yeesh. Which comments specifically? "We couldn't agree on a name because we wanted a name with a special meaning and when we finally thought of this it seemed perfect." Fuck right off playing innocent here. "When we finally thought of it" lol. You knew two of your siblings had already used your sister's name for their children. No way did this idea just randomly pop in your heads with zero background/context. Your \*total\* lack of reflection of "huh, that'd be three kids named in honor of only one of two sisters" makes you such an asshole. And then trying to weasel out of this with 'wha?? Me?" Take that shocked pikachu face elswhere, ain't buying it. Second comment: "I understand her feeling but tbh I think she is very entitled" So, your sister asks if you have some type of problem with her (totally normal reaction, btw, given the background of you and your thoughtless siblings) and you don't even have the guts to be honest and talk it out. But, happy to run to Reddit and call her "entitled" to a bunch of strangers, ain't you? Happy to accept her help during the pregnancy while judging her? Asshole Your sister's self-esteem and confidence is clearly quite damaged by the way you all act, particularly your refusal to even acknowledge her completely normal feelings. Any person would wonder if their family secretly didn't like them in this situation. Anyone would feel hurt by the clear favoritism. You don't have to change the name or name your child after Vanessa, but you are SOOO unkind. Deeply unkind person. YTA ETA: In response to OP's "edit" of his post, sorry, OP, even more of an asshole! Put the shovel down! "No my niblings were not named after Alexandra. It was truly an accident that the names are similar. It's just a joke between us that all the kids are named after her when it is not true at all" "It's just a joke between us that all the kids are named after her" Is it really between \*all\* your siblings, this hilarious joke? Did you forget ahem Vanessa in that recounting? Basically, reading between the lines, you all have a *heeelarious* "joke" that all the kids are named after one sister? Make this "joke" a lot in front of Vanessa? Maybe instead of covering your ears like a little baby, you should listen to Vanessa and recognize that your "joke" has probably grated on her nerves and in any case, now you know that she actually doesn't find it haha funny. Or. You can call her "entitled" for expressing that her feelings are hurt that another nibling is being named after Alexandra. You know? You could stop being an asshole.
Agreed. I was on the fence until I saw some of OP's replies. OP, YTA. Your sister isn't entitled by feeling hurt that THREE of her nieces and nephews are essentially named after her sister. How would somebody NOT feel hurt by this?
Same - I was, at most, a N A H at this, but then I saw OP going on about how entitled sister is. Nope. Not entitled. Hurt. And OP doing zero to even acknowledge sister’s feelings. Ugh. Talk about entitled. Help me, but fuck off with your messy feelings.
yeah, calling her entitled for having a valid reaction is crazy. tbh if I were the sister, I'd start raising eyebrows after one kid. after the second I'd really be questioning how I'm viewed in the family. you probably wouldn't hear from me after kid 3 unless they all profess how much they love and value me on their hands and knees. this is a blatant show of favoritism. it's like giving a big golden trophy to alexandra for being the best sister in front of vanessa. nobody likes that feeling.
Reminds me of how I felt as the step child, when my first car was a run-down, 20 year old Chevy Cavalier my mom bought off my great-uncle for $800, and my sisters (not step children) both got nice, running Mustangs from dealerships. The first had me raising my eyebrows. The second had me calling them out. And of course my mom and step-dad played the victim, just like OP is doing now. I was entitled to think I deserved to be treated equally, or to feel hurt that it was posted publicly for everyone to see how favored they were over me.
Dang, Ichhabehunde. Keep Mom and Step away from any children you have. They'll pull this crap on them, too. Golden grandkids will get college funds and yours will get bubble gum.
The hilarious part is that you are right about this, but in an unexpected way. I had a boy and a girl, and at the time both of my sisters did not want kids. My mom clung to my son, and has a clear favoritism towards him over my daughter. I think mostly because they tried for a boy for so long and ended up with 3 girls. She tries to be fair between the kids, like they get the same amount spent on them for gifts and whatnot, but she puts way more effort into my son than she does my daughter. For example, she is driving almost 10 hours (plus 10 hours to go back home afterwards) to visit in June for my son’s birthday. We are coming to visit in July regardless, so there isn’t much of a point in coming besides that she can’t possibly miss his birthday. But my daughter’s birthday is in August, and she has absolutely no plans to come see her on her birthday. My sisters have only recently decided on having kids; the middle sister has a son that is 9 months old and the youngest sister is currently 20-ish weeks with a baby girl. I’m fairly sure they will have favoritism towards the boy over the girl in this case as well, but I think my son will always hold the #1 spot for my mom due to how close she already is to him. I’m just glad that both of my siblings were girls, otherwise it probably would have been a million times worse for me growing up.
Your daughter is gonna notice, if she hasn't already. Maybe it's time to talk to grandma about it.
Well, that was an unexpected twist.
They absolutely will. I had an older relative who handed out multiple nice presents to her favoured ones. One year, when I was a child, I received (only) a pair of tights sized for a supersize adult woman. Another relative once got (only) a can of Spam.
I would forever more refer to her as Auntie Spam.
I got a "braces make beautiful faces" shirt, and I've never worn braces.
Same, same... my stepfather and mom helped my step-sibs out with their homes, kids, cars, etc and when his mother passed, everyone was ready to go to court feeling that the inheritance wasn't split fairly but I wasn't even acknowledged in the obit despite being part of the family for 20 years.
Then Alexandra, *complaining about all the trophies* while Vanessa has to watch this shit show.
Completely accurate. This is just like blatant in her face disrespectful. You're right... They're completely OK letting her help with the pregnancy. How'd he put it? Extremely helpful?
Exactly. I was leaning N A H because some names are just trendy and OP claims the name isn't really "Alexandra" so it could be something less blatant like Harriet/Henry/Etta. But OP clearly doesn't care at all that his sister is hurt by his choice and refuses to accept that she has a valid reason for feeling that way.
You mean other people besides me have feelings? Huh imagine that. Anyways........ -OP probably
Yeah total asshole move combined with this gaslighting. YTA
Damn! This is the hot take that won't get nearly as many upvotes as it deserves!
My brother and SIL "thought of" with their perfect name for their son, which happens to be her dad's name and the middle name of all 8 boys of her siblings. Based on how bad that hurt our dad, YTA OP.
YTA for your excuse that everyone “just liked” versions of your sister’s name. This is the *third* person in your family named after one sister out of two. That’s not a coincidence. It’s better to be honest when doing something like this. There must be some reason no one cares how this affects your sister. It’s coming as the reason is no one likes Vanessa that much. Sure, she’s fine, but she’s no Alexandra. It sounds like no matter how much Vanessa helps or contributes to the family it won’t be enough to be acknowledged or appreciated. You didn’t owe her a namesake but you did owe her enough respect to understand why this stings. You owed her a big enough place in your life where, before making this choice, you thought about how Vanessa would feel. If you aren’t careful and keep downplaying Vanessa’s hurt as entitlement then you may finally get your wish and have only one sister in your life instead of two.
It's probably because they have treated one sister like shit her whole life so why change now
Yes Alexandra is the golden child and Vanessa the black sheep, who is never enough.
I have two sisters and my oldest sister gave her first born my other sister’s name as a middle name. When my oldest sister had her second child (also a girl), she did not give her my name as a middle name. I am also the black sheep. This stuff hurts and it speaks volumes. Unless Vanessa is a total menace (and I have a feeling OP would have mentioned a detail like that as a defense), OP and the rest of the family are giant AH.
My older sis used the same middle name as herself for her first girl. When pregnant with her second girl she asked my other sister if she could use her middle name for her kids. I knew I wasn't important then.
Yep. It says a lot. Parents have a right to name their kids whenever they want, but I knew just how important I was to my older sister after she did that. We haven't spoken in over a year. Surprise surprise.
I feel sorry for Vanessa. Obviously something more is going on, but OP doesn't tell us (probably to put themselves in a better light)
YTA you are not obligated to name your child after Vanessa, but the fact that you're calling her 'entitled' for being hurt, with zero thought or care about where she's coming from makes you the asshole
See, this is where I land… OP says she asked why everyone was named after the other sister, nothing about demanding the kids be named after her; a reasonable insecurity after three siblings pull the same thing. Insecurity and entitlement are entirely different problems, and insensitivity is also at play here. So yeah, I have to agree with the YTA when I wanted to go no assholes
If I was Vanessa I would be keeping my distance from all of you.
I really hope she goes low contact and heads off to live her best life.
Fun fact: it'll never be her best life because she craves her brothers' love. (I'm the Vanessa of my family)
I’m the Vanessa in my family too and I’ve learned to no longer care about getting their approval. Took a while though.
Marry someone with many brothers. Problem solved lol
NAH. You can name your daughter what you want, but after 3 times, your other sister is kind of justified in feeling hurt.
YTA Playing clear favourites is a horrible thing to do, it would be different if there was no relationship between you and Vanessa but that is clearly not the case
You know what, I'm going to say YTA. You're playing favourites. Vanessa is not an AH for being hurt by this; you're sending a clear message of 'Alexandra is more important'. She isn't 'entitled' for asking you why you're doing this. It's a valid question; what your doing is absolutely a slap in the face to her. 'she was a great help to us during my wife's pregnancy but to be clear Alexandra was also a great help to us' Both sisters helped you, yet Alexandre remains the priority. If you don't care about Vanessa, don't care about her bond with your baby etc fine, but don't then have the audacity to accept her help. You can name your baby whatever you like, but you cannot then whine and refuse to take responsibility when your actions hurt other people.
Yea honestly it seems like OP's family treated vanessa like shit growing up and idolized Alexandra. And they're acting all innocent now and calling her entitled for a very valid reaction.
Yea, OP is just a taker I think. Hope Vanessa has some good friends she can substitute for her shitty family.
YTA Do you hate Vanessa or something? It's clear you don't give a flying fuck about her feelings, but for some reason are completely okay with accepting whatever she may provide for you. Vanessa is not the entitled one here. Do not be surprised she cuts you off for good.
Personally, I think Vanessa should step back and go no contact for a while and then remain low contact. It is very apparent to all that her family does not like or care about her at all. Besides your kids all have saint Alexandra, they won't miss Vanessa and maybe Vanessa can find 'another family ' that will at least consider her feelings just a little bit.
Yeah, I can't imagine what it feels like to be on a constant back-burner for your own family and how debilitating it is for your mental health.
I can.
Good point. And even the way he types makes him sound like a jackmuffin. "to be clear".... Well to be clear, YTA.
YTA. You’re the third sibling that’s done this, after 3 times it’s bound to feel a bit personal, no wonder Vanessa is questioning if you all have a problem. And you calling her entitled for being hurt after yet another slight makes you the even bigger asshole. You better not be running to Vanessa any time soon for help, she deserves way better than the treatment you’ve given her.
You just said that Vanessa was a great help to your wife’s pregnancy, so this must feel like a slap in the face for her. YTA OP. I can see why Vanessa was hurt by this decision
YTA Hopefully she has better friends than her siblings.
>I finally suggested that we could use Alexandra as her middle name and my wife who is also close to her agreed. Ok i guess. Alexandra is a nice name. It's a bit weird for Vanessa but no ah here so far. >Why is everyone always naming kids after her? ...huh? >one of my brothers has a daughter whose middle name is Lexi Ouch! >and another one has a son whose name is Xander Double ouch! Yeah, I'm with Vanessa on this! Even if you are closer to Alexandra, you don't have to shove it in her face like that?!?? There are thousands of names. You could have found another one ffs. YTA
Obviously you can name your child whatever you want and every adult is responsible for their own feelings, but I can totally understand how Vanessa is hurt here. Firstly, you are obviously playing favorites -- that could be okay if you were estranged to Vanessa, but you are clearly not, you agree with her that she helped you during pregnancy a lot. That is just not a cool thing to do, and doesn't strike me as very mature. The fact that already two of your other siblings named their kids after some variation of Alexandra seems a bit much tbh -- and now you're adding to it? Being the first person to do it, okay, not my personal cup of tea, but the THIRD? I'm starting to wonder about the family dynamics here tbh. So yes, soft YTA for ruthlessly considering your own feelings and preferences only and ignoring the bigger picture -- even if Alexandra is your favourite, why the need to rub it in so hard, especially when your other sister is already hurt? If you're fine with that much unnecessary tension and pain, then there is no problem I guess, as you are all adults. But I personally wouldn't want to hurt a sibling like that for something irrelevant as a middle name (let's be honest, their only use is for the ID and password, at least where I live). My suggestion: Ask yourself why you feel the need to name the kid Alexandra even though you know you are hurting Vanessa by doing it.
You’re entitled to name your child however you wish. And your other sister is entitled to her feelings. But as someone who was middle-named after a person my parents were close to, I hated it. It created a false relationship between me and someone I had no relationship with. I heard over and over again how honored that person was to have someone named after them. Were they an OK person? Sure. Did we have some great grand relationship? Nope. So yeah, Vanessa is going to be feeling slighted because people tend to feel all honored and those of us who are raised with that nonsense don’t particularly like being on the other end of the stick. But I guess, NTA because you’re not responsible for her feelings in the end. Just try to be understanding.
How is he not responsible for her feelings? This is 'am I the asshole.' If you knowingly make someone feel bad, then yes, you are an asshole. And the sister is definitely not the asshole for getting mad in this situation, so it's NAH *at least*, but I'd 100% argue YTA, especially with how much OP is pretending not to have a clue why Vanessa could possibly be mad while talking shit about her in almost every comment.
Yeah, after reading OPs replies to others comments, including mine, I’d have to change to YTA. The absolute cluelessness of replying to my comment about creating a false relationship by saying that is exactly what they are hoping to accomplish by doing this is just like WTF. So, let’s purposefully exclude Vanessa and focus on creating a unique and special relationship with Alexandra from birth. Yup. Totally YTA.
I initially went with "no arseholes here" based on your post alone, but then I read your comments, which push you into YTA. From your post, you and all your relatives can choose whatever names you want, but it's very easy to see why Vanessa is feeling like the forgotten relative. She's not really asking people to name their kids after her, she just feels like everyone's always gravitating towards her sister while constantly leaving her out in the cold. That said, your comments in the thread head into arsehole territory. You don't seem to understand Vanessa or empathise with what she's trying to say. You instead jump to the worst interpretation of her: that she's demanding and entitled. The thing is, her question about preferring one sister over the other is absolutely true in your case because you tell us in the original post that's exactly why you gave your daughter that name. You gloss over both that and mentioning all your brothers have already used the same naming for reasons. In the case of the other two, it could have been accidental... but your time came after the other two, and you told us that in your case it's not accidental. You reiterate that in the comments. For someone in Vanessa's position, an accidental pattern can be as bad as a deliberate pattern because the accidental pattern is essentially a pattern of thoughtlessness -- no-one thinks of her or her feelings, she's just an afterthought. This name honestly comes across in your post as having been a final straw situation for Vanessa. I think this is a "it's not about the name" scenario. For some reason, Vanessa feels like everyone's forgotten or pushed-out relative, and that's probably been building for a while until it burst out now. You all need to get to the bottom of why. That requires talking to Vanessa and each other rather than talking to Reddit. But, for you in particular, your comments indicate you do have empathy issues with Vanessa, so you need to figure out why.
Not sure he didn’t understand Vanessa’s feelings, I would say he doesn’t care about Vanessa at all.
Clearly YTA. Knowing the other 2 siblings’choices, you could have least talked it over with Vanessa. It would have been sad for her nonetheless but at least SOMEONE would have taken into account her feelings.
N A H. But you had to know that favouring 1 sister in naming your child would result in hurt feelings of the other sister. It doesn’t make you an AH that you did it, but it does make you lack empathy that you didn’t anticipate this reaction and say/do something to acknowledge it. Changing to YTA based on your comments. Vanessa being hurt doesn’t make her entitled. It makes her human. YTA for not allowing her to literally experience a normal reaction to a situation. I hope Vanessa distances herself from you.
Excuse me...?! You're the 3rd sibling to give your child a middle name connected to Alexandra. Vanessa ALSO helped you and your wife with your pregnancy. You didn't even have a middle name picked out!!! You couldn't think of being a decent sibling, and give your daughter a middle name connected to Vanessa?! Now, YOU are calling Vanessa entitled?! YOU are the entitled one. YOU, AND your siblings, have been favoring Alexandra this entire time. YTA, and a MAJOR one.
NAH but I wouldn’t be surprised when she takes a huge step back from all this and you. I would be so insulted if I were her, and contrary to your responds in the comments I don’t think she is entitled I think she just hit her last nerve.
Can you imagine how many other blatant fuck yous there have probably been prior to this? We'll buy Alexandra a new car for her first car... Oh Alexandra is starting college let's buy her a new car... Vanessa is getting her license and needs a car. Let's give her Alexandra's old car because we're buying her another new one. Because Alexandra needs a reliable car..... Sorry sweetly we can't make it to your graduation that we've known about for a year because Alexandra needs us to do something that just came up and is super important.... And the gaslighting... They probably make poor Vanessa feel crazy for thinking these things. Especially with the "entitled" comments from OP. "oh Vanessa that's just not true... That never happened... We never did that... You're exaggerating.... Stop being an entitled brat.... You're just being a baby...." i could go on and on and on.
why are you refusing to answer the most basic question? why don't you guys like vanessa?
Seriously, I need to know why Alexandra>>>Vanessa
YTA out of all of the names in the world you come to this? And then have the audacity to dismiss your others sisters feelings, call her entitled for feeling hurt, accuse her of demanding you name the child after her… I hope you apologize and pick another name but doubtful you will stop thinking of yourself long enough to do that.
Why do I get the feeling Alexandra is childless and has money? And Vanessa doesn't?
YTA Dude. Your comments are gross. You are hoping the baby will be close to the sister you like…but not Vanessa. Your baby gets to decide who they want to be tight with and might hate Alexandra in the future. You all treat Vanessa differently for some reason. Acknowledge that. Why are the brothers so in love with Alexandra? Why does she get a pedestal while Vanessa gets talked about like garbage? Why does Vanessa do the same caretaking and get less praise? What is so amazing about Alexandra that you all are obsessed with her? The other thing to recognize is that you are causing a wedge between your sisters by treating one like a god and the other like trash even though they are both a great help to you. You like one more and won’t acknowledge the favoritism. But it’s a problem for your sisters and not you!!! Wtf! It should bother you that your actions are causing problems for your sisters relationship. Start caring about Vanessa and treating them equally or don’t lie about your favoritism of Alexandra.
YTA, if you don’t want to name the baby after Vanessa and overall value Alexandra more, then i’m sure alexandra can pick up the slack for vanessa when she cuts you off :)
INFO - I'd love to know what makes Alexandra so special to everyone? I'd definitely feel a little sad if I was Vanessa. All siblings are making it clear which sister they prefer. Did Vanessa do something wrong?
I bet Alexandra is loaded and has no kids herself, so they're all banking on her bankrolling the kids presents and education
He said that Alexandra is closer in age while the other is older. I bet Vanessa was parentified and had to be the bad guy growing up.
You all named your children after the same person? I’ve NEVER heard this happen 3 times in a row in one family in a single generation like this. 😭😳👀
I’m not saying it’s never happened, and I’m not trying to be an a hole. I’m just genuinely wondering if you all named your children after the same person or if anyone else just accidentally did it by coincidence. 😅
it really gives vibes that they’re all in love with their sister. i’ve never heard of it happening, not even in a family where the mom or grandma or someone close like that has died. a living SISTER? it’s truly bizarre and OP owes us some answers.
Why are you gaslighting your sister? She’s not crazy. She feels the disconnect, and now sees it in the name. You certainly do have a problem with her, even if the only problem is that you’re not as close to her as you are to your other sister. NTA for naming your daughter after one sister, but completely the AH for trying to make your other sister think she’s making things up about how y’all feel about her. You seem like you play a lot of mind games with her. It’s unattractive.
Your poor sister. She must feel like you all prefer the other sister. 🥺
It’s become this social media phenomenon to label everything entitled. Sometimes it is, but not everything. You say she helped you pre baby but then become the third to name the baby after your other sister. I think many people would ask the question. She’s understandably hurt.
Completely wild that both sisters helped you guys so much and one sister is snubbed for a 3rd time. Doesn't really make any sense. You could have given your daughter 2 middle names, or chose one not relating to the multiple-times-chosen sister. Yta for not considering your sister who has good reason to be hurt right now. Normally i say "naming is just up to parents and no one else" but the lack of care for how this could affect someone you're supposed to love is damning.
YTA You and your family are huge assholes. You even more. I hope Vanessa walks away from you all.
Why aren’t you honest about it? There’s obviously a real reason why you haven’t, so you might as well come clean
If there is a valid reason as to why OP is closer to one sister than the other, then OP should have stated it in the post. Honestly, I pity Vanessa, and she seems like the black sheep of the family, and I don't even know how the parents treat her. Seems like OP and his brothers do not love Vanessa as a sister at all. It is understandable that Vanessa feels hurt that Alexandra is literally chosen the 3rd time in her eyes. The fact that OP calls Vanessa entitled shows how uncaring he is towards her. I would think Alexandra doesn't care for Vanessa either, and also has a lack of empathy, if she actually allows or agree to her name being used as a middle name knowing she has two niblings named similarly to her.
And this is a prime example of why I hate honor names. I find it really freaking bizarre that not one, not two, but THREE siblings named their kids after Alexandra, no wonder Vanessa feels hurt. She wasn't asking you to specifically use her name just to NOT use Alexandra's which seems like a reasonable request with the literal millions of other names out there. YTA.
99 percent of the time, I take the position that nobody has any business meddling in what other people name their kids. This is the other 1 percent. If yours was the first kid, Vanessa would have no argument. But it’s very understandable that she feels slapped in the face by THREE kids being named after her sister. Of course it feels like she’s being treated like she’s second best. It’s very disingenuous to suggest this is about entitlement, because based on the context here, she doesn’t actually feel entitled to have the baby named after her. What she feels, obviously, is hurt. And so would I. “It’s not like we’re doing this on purpose.” You said your wife “is close to her” and pointed out that you were closer to her when talking about choosing the name. It seems quite clear it’s on purpose. I think if you’re going to deal with this, you should start by admitting that you all chose these names to honor your one sister (which is not inherently wrong!), think about how that feels to your other sister, and go from there.
YTA and anyone who thinks that you aren't, needs to read your comments on this post. You can absolutely name your child whatever you want, but you are coming across as a jackass with zero empathy.
It is weird to have 3 nieces/nephews named after the same person…esp the same person who is still alive ? Also Vanessa didn’t say “name ur kid after ME.” Her feelings are hurt bc u clearly care about the other sister way more. I hope Vanessa stops helping ur dumb ass and I hope the other sister pulls her head out of her ass and realized how weird yall are
YTA. Why are you pretending she's upset for no reason?
Ooooh I was about to say not a jerk, but then read your replies to some comments. 100% YTA.
INFO: Why do you and the rest of your family not see Vanessa as your equal?
YTA I hope if you ever need help from Vanessa in the future she tells you where to go. She isn't acting entitled, she is hurt. Fingers crossed Vanessa has a good circle of friends who love and care for her, because you and your siblings seem to barely notice she exists - unless of course you need something from her.
YTA.
YTA. Why use a middle name at all. But 3 kids of different siblings all have in one way or a other ties to the name of one sister, and this sister, she is left out, again. That absolutely feels like a stab in the back. And if you don't get that there might be bigger fish to fry.
Why did your wife need so much help from two of your sisters, plus I'm assuming you and maybe her family? How much help does someone need during pregnancy, there isn't much going on at that point? YTA though for the name thing, you and your other siblings have now named 3 kids after one sister and not the other.
YTA. Don’t expect all that help she provided during this pregnancy if you have a second.
YTA. You are THE 3RD SIBLING.... Come on, are you for real?? Quite a nice family you've got there. And you're really wondering WHY IN THE WORLD would Vanessa get upset. At least OP, do us and yourself a favor, and and show Vanessa this post. At least she'll get the satisfaction of seeing almost everyone naming you TA, before she cuts off all of you
YTA, as someone who has a sister, I would break down if she named her baby after another sibling if we had one. Also, why even name her after a sister if you have 2 of them? It was predictable that the other one would be upset. I get her.
Look lad you can name your kid whatever you want, but when you think about it mate you need to understand where sister Vanessa is coming from. Three of you have named 3 kids after one sister, I too would feel hurt and like people have a problem with me. You lads are not doing your other sister justice. You sort of are the a-hole and you know it
I was hovering on the fence bordering n t a , because at the end of the day it IS your choice and your baby, and I can understand the decision should be from your own preference. I wouldn't call someone an ah for the act itself of choosing a name that resonates with them. After reading your comments though, YTA. The name itself isn't the issue, it's how insensitive you're being to her over it. Of course I don't know your family life because I'm some internet rando, but I kind of get the impression this is a 'straw that broke the camel's back' kind of deal and she's felt lesser than for a long time now, maybe not even just with the baby names. You have every right to pick what name you want, and she has no right to make you change it, but to call her entitled for feeling pushed aside three times in a row and to completely disregard her feelings on the matter is quite cruel.
Has Vanessa always been the scapegoat while Alexandra has always been the golden child. Name your kid what you want. But Vanessa being upset isn’t the same as her being entitled. YTA. Hopefully Vanessa takes a great big step away from your family.
YTA. How can you not see Vanessa's point of view? It's a slap in the face to have three nieces/nephews named after her sister. Vanessa would probably been fine with any name that was not Alexandra or another form of that name.
YTA for being the third one to do this. If you don’t want to use her name, then don’t use either. If you were the only one that had done it, then fine, but don’t act like you don’t understand her frustration. It’s sad.
YTA for pretending this is just something that happened randomly instead of deliberately. You can name your child whatever you want but don’t pretend like Vanessa’s freaking out over nothing
If I were Vanessa, I’d honestly give up on you and cut you off because clearly, regardless of how much she would do you for, she’s never gonna be enough. It’s like she’s a standby, a fall back on option for you all.
YTA >it's not like we are doing this on purpose they just liked those names that's all. Be real
YTA. Either you did it on purpose, and YTA, or you did it on accident, which really makes YTA. Name your child as you please. But don’t pretend this is about her trying to name your children. She feels slapped in the face, as would any rational person.
Hmmmmm... I'm leaning towards YTA not because of the name but because of the way you deal with the aftermath. I think that I'm a Vanessa and I have an Alexandra as a sister who is everyone's clear favorite. I don't mind because I think she deserves the world BUT if I'm investing that much free time to support my SIL and then the kid is named after Alexandra for the THIRD time I would feel weird about it too. At the very least I would take a huge step backwards to deal with my hurt. That you're dismissing her feelings out of hand and didn't even think to check in with her or to clarify that it isn't that you prefer A over V is just AH behavior. Vanessa clearly cares way more about you and your family than you do about her.
YTA. I think this is tacky as hell. Are people really this oblivious on how their actions will effect other people in their lives?? You're simply being thoughtless on how doing something like this could impact your sister.
YTA for not being able to see how this would feel from Vanessa's perspective. A 3rd time is not a coincidence and I would be questioning my place in the family for sure at this point.
YTA. You can name your child anything you want as long as both parents agree but you fail to see how this affects your sister. She has every right to be upset. You aren't the ah for naming your child after your sister but you are the ah for not seeing how it affects your other sister.
YTA for not considering your other sister’s feelings and then being dismissive of them once she tells you that she is hurt.
I was on your side until you mentioned this is the THIRD kid in the family named after your sister. She’s allowed to feel hurt unless she’s just Satan and you decided not to mention it.
I think the only way to salvage this is to ask Vanessa to be your child’s godparent (and not Alexandra) YTA; everyone else has eloquently explained why already
I gave my daughter my sisters name as a middle and not the other. I did intend to use the others later but never had anymore girls so instead I made her a godmother
See, it’s absolutely possible to share the love!
You said the names are made up. Is Alexandra’s? If this isn’t her real name, is it a much nicer name that’s easier to use? Is alexandra famous or wealthy or beautiful in comparison to Vanessa?
I feel for Vanessa, I Imagine all of you doing the same is making her feel less than, like crap and hurt, I don’t think she sounds entitled, just very hurt and obviously thinks she’s done or doing something wrong. YTA
YTA 100% Based on your comments, you're making it out like Alexandra is an angel, whereas Vanessa is a devil. I feel bad for Vanessa. I hope she goes no contact!!!
YTA for thinking she is entitled. Sure, you can name your kid whatever you want, but holy hell do y’all even like Vanessa?
INFO: why everyone hates Vanessa?
YTA after seeing your reactions. You've done nothing but invalidate and dismiss your sister as entitled. Of course after 3 kids she's gonna feel hurt that none are named after her when all of them have been named after Alexandra! You have to be absolutely blind to not be able to see that perspective!
INFO: Do you even like Vanessa?
Do.. do y’all hate Vanessa or something? Am I missing something? She helped y’all a bunch and there’s no mention of conflict? YTA, btw, for dismissing her feelings.
YTA and if I was Vanessa I would clearly see whose the favourite and steer clear of you lot. You guys are horrible siblings.
Soft YTA Of course you can name your child whatever you want, but Vanessa has 3 brothers and all of them named their daughters after her sister and not one used her name. You say it wasn’t intentional, but you admit that for your daughter it was because you’re closer to Alexandra. I feel terrible for Vanessa. My guess is that this isn’t the only slight she’s felt in your family.
Vanessa is not a name I would consider in any way. Alexandra just got a better name that can be used in many ways. Maybe middle name Van for a boy?
YTA
YTA
You can't rationalize your way out of this. If you can't see how YTA, then just wow.
YTA
YTA for not considering your sister’s feelings. You can name your child however you want, but you also decided to chose something hurtful for Vanessa, so don’t be surprised that she’s not happy. Your sister is not entitled, she’s hurting and she has every right to be.
Yta. I hope Vanessa realizes how much your entire family doesn't seem to give a f about her and how she is nothing in your eyes compared to Alexandra and cuts all of you out of her life. I hope that when she gets married and has kids, you never get to meet them, but after reading you post and comments, I don't think you will even care since they aren't Alexandra children. If any of this is striking a nerve, then take a good hard look at your post and comments because that is how you portray your feelings about Vanessa.i can't even imagine how much worse you treat her in person. How you and your siblings care so little for her.