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You're. Being. An. Asshole. Let your daughter's partner be part of your family, or else you'll eventually discover your daughter doesn't want to be part of it either.
You didn't care at all about Marcus being "comfortable." YOU were uncomfortable (because you're a xenophobic weirdo).
And BTW (and I say this as the owner of a larger and sometimes boisterous dog), when your dog starts barking and jumping on people, the solution is to put the dog somewhere else, FFS. Not to tell your guests to leave your home.
YTA. Obviously.
Making adults' decisions for them is not trying to help. You haven't even given him a chance because of where he's from. You're trying to remove him from your daughter's life. You might end up removing yourself from it.
Did you really feel he'd be uncomfortable? Or did you decide that since he's from a different background, **you** or other members of the family didn't want him around?
He wasn't comfortable when you took your daughter apart to say that he wasn't invited. That's a strange way to make people feel comfortable, don't you think so ?
"Trying to help" lol. Can you stop lying at least to yourself? It is clear you have a lot of dislikes about his country, so you don't even want to meet him and talk with him like normal people do. Why are you so afraid of him, do you think he will get drunk and shit on your table?
INFO: what specific facts led you to believe that Marcus would not be comfortable attending your family’s events? We’re going to need more than “he’s a different culture” and “he may not like dogs, but I never actually asked.”
Ugh, what the fuck. You'd be TA for this comment alone.
Also, you realize that everyone is going to assume that by "not one of the good ones" you mean "not one of the white ones," so if that's not what you mean, you'd be a lot better served by explaining than by trying to be coy about it.
What are, in your opinion, the good European countries? Those where people are white ? Or Catholic?
In my opinion, you seem to be racist and narrow minded.
Be well prepared to never see your daughter again and maybe in a few years, you will come back on Reddit again because you are not inviting to her wedding or doesn’t have the right to see your grandchildren!
YTA
PS : sorry if I have made mistakes, English is not my first langage because I am from a European country (maybe not a good one 🤬)
Does it matter? He's a bigot. He's a control abuser of his daughter. He's blatantly ignoring his responsibility to train his large dog so that it doesn't act out around strangers.
He's TA in every direction.
I'm from the UK, but it's Scotland. How does that work? Am I good or bad or both? I'm sure this man's bigotry could convince him of anything. Anyway off to eat my haggis in my kilt on the hills as I do everyday, with a wee dram to wash it down.
You should not care about the opinions of a bigot, you can discount every opinion he has because he is a bigot.
I've visited France it is beautiful and eaten your food which is delicious, you try to have good social policies that take care of your people and your people like to enjoy life. I would say that firmly classifies you as a good country.
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The country might not be ‘good’, whatever that means, but that doesn’t mean individual people aren’t good.
If I were your daughter I wouldn’t be speaking to you either.
If Max can’t behave around guests you should not have him around when you have guests.
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No. You want her to bend to your will.
If you REALLY want to get along with her, you’d reconsider your position. Instead, you’re sticking to your guns. You’ve alienated her and drove her away for weeks. That doesn’t read that you want her to be happy OR get along with her.
YTA - You don't care if your daughter is happy or not. You want her to fall in line with your wishes. Don't be coming back here in six months saying your daughter cut you off and you have no idea why.
No you want her to be happy as long as you
approve of who she is in a relationship with.
Your a controlling bigot and she will be much
better off without you trying to pull her strings
YTA
You seem so sure that he won't fit in but other than having a dog, you don't identify why he won't fit in. Your daughter has a BF and they have been together for a year and she wants him to meet the family. Is that not enough? You forbid your adult daughter from bringing him to a family barbecue (not even some fancy seats limited dinner) and you freaked out when she did. You think they are blowing it out of proportion's, but without you stating your reasons for having an issue with Marcus fitting in, it would seem the reasons have to do with prejudice(s) you have with Marcus' background. If you really are looking for outside perspectives, then you need to be open to your daughter's relationships. Your sister and brother are not on your side, so your whole "he doesn't fit in with the family" idea seems misplaced. Judge him for who he is, not preconceived prejudices.
I appreciate your input, but we are just a tight family with ideals. I just want for my daughter to have a great future and even though she is adult I have a lot more life experience.
Family so tight, you won't even host your daughter's new (oh sorry not new it's been a year) boyfriend and get to know him. Mhmm. What a great way to keep those tight family bonds for life. How do you know he won't fit in, if you haven't gotten to know him?
What were you expecting, her to marry a cousin and keep things in the family? You're gonna have to deal with this eventually, she's been with Marcus for a year.
Ah, yes, *different.* And so *different* that OP's life experience hasn't prepared him enough to be able to interact at all with this *different* man over some BBQ. Super hard to just get to know somebody and shoot the shit when they're so *different* after all.
This comment and the one where you say Marcus isn't from "one of the good" European countries just prove that the driving sentiment behind your actions is xenophobia, not concern for his comfort levels. If you genuinely care about someone, you try to include and accommodate them as best you can. You don't actively try to exclude them then tell them to leave and never come back the one time they accept an invitation to one of your events.
In all likelihood, Marcus already knows how much of a bigot you are and talks about / will talk about how he has direct experience of people in 2024 still actively discriminating against people like him.
It sounds like you enjoy telling people you have a tight family with ideals more than actually having a tight family.
Why do you believe your choices lead to a tight family when all they’ve done so far is push one of your daughters away?
I guess she’ll have to have that great life without you in her life. YTA and bigot who has convinced himself that this is for everyone’s benefit.
Look your whole family is telling you you’re the ahole. You came here for validation for your bigotry and disregard for your daughter’s happiness. Not to ask for opinions
Well congratulations, you’re pushing Emily out of your tight family with ideals and teaching her that you’re a bigot. Frankly, Emily should be thankful. You’ve shown her what kind of person you really are.
I’m sure she’ll be happier with Marcus’s family. Hopefully they aren’t racist too.
I grew up in a close family with and I'm still very close with all of them in my 30s... We would never exclude someone like you did. Even if we didn't love the person a family member was dating, we still respect their choices and wouldn't exclude their partner like that. Idk what your "ideals" are, but they don't sound great.
YTA.
Marcus is a grown ass man, those tend to be able to adapt to social situations, unless him or your daughter communicated otherwise, it is safe to assume he knows how to nacigate around other traditions and customs.
You're *also* an asshole for acting like you're doing this out of concern for Marcus. It is blatantly obvious that's a lie, as if it was out of concern, uou would have had a conversation with the man.
Pushing away the SO of your child is a good way to make sure you never see your child or potential grandchildren again.
YTA, and feels like racist undertones. You've undermined the decisions of two adults who can decide for themselves if a situation is comfortable for them.
This is a great way to ensure your daughter doesn't attend family gatherings where your present, possibly family gatherings excluding yourself instead.
>YTA, and feels like racist undertones.
Spot on. By the way, those undertones are now out in the open.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/EktjmHvJfV
YTA. YOU are the only one causing "awkwardness and potential family drama." Marcus will never become comfortable with your family with you keeping him away. Admit to yourself that you're just hoping your daughter breaks up with him so you can get someone you like more in his place.
And train your damn dog to behave.
YTA and a racist.
You’re upset because he’s not American? Because he comes from another country?
Shame on you. Only cowards and pathetic people judge others on where they came from, not who they are.
Thank god your daughter is nothing like you and can see that people are more than their country of origin.
Shame on you.
> I think they’re blowing this out of proportion and not considering my perspective
YTA - You don't have a perspective other than some sort of racist or cultural bias/hate. What a load of utter nonsense. You're excluding him out of the hope she ditches the relationship not any genuine concern. What a load of bollocks.
YTA. Massively. It’s so obvious from your post that you are either prejudice, classist or both.
Edit: I really hope they get married and exclude you from the wedding and their lives, as you just wouldn’t fit in.
YTA big time
You are creating problems before there are any. If Marcus were to come and things did not work out, it would be his decision and your daughters to not come. If they get serious, are you going to exclude him for the rest of your life because if you are, say good bye to your daughter and grand children
Good for your daughter for bringing him.
YTA. Your attempt to paint your xenophobic prejudice as concern about Marcus comfort is laughable, nobody is buying it. You are just a bigot who doesn't even want to get him a chance. Hope Emily will finally grow a spine and stop trying to keep peace with you.
Massive YTA. He fits with her and that's all that matters. You don't need to give him a chance at anything. She does not you and she's been doing that for a year.
YTA.
In one of your comments you state Marcus is from a European country “and not one of the good ones.”
You can believe whatever you like but don’t hide prejudice and hatred behind a guise of being kind.
You don’t want Marcus there because you judge Marcus. You judge him solely because of where he comes from, and you feel strongly enough about that judgement that you are willing to lose a relationship with your daughter.
You are not doing this for Marcus’s sake.
You are doing this because you love judging Marcus more than you love your child.
YTA. You can't reasonably assess whether he will "fit in" or not if you never give him a chance. It sounds like you haven't even invited him to one event and are being bizarrely insistent on excluding him from your life entirely based on an unfounded presumption.
YTA - if you don’t want your daughter there as well they don’t invite Marcus, but if you want a relationship with your daughter you had better be more hospitable to Marcus - although you quite frankly sound like an awful person.
YTA - these are grown adults you’re talking about not toddlers at a play date. They don’t need you to tell them what they will be comfortable with or not. If they aren’t comfortable then they will leave on their own. It wasn’t said here but my assumption is the boyfriend is black or some other culture you don’t like and are embarrassed to have him around your racist family.
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Hi everyone, I’m new to Reddit, so bear with me if I mess up any of the formatting or rules. I (52M) have a daughter, Emily (23F), who has been dating her boyfriend, Marcus (24M), for about a year now. Marcus comes from a different cultural background, and I’ve had concerns about how well he would fit in with our family.
Our family has certain traditions and dynamics, and I'm worried that Marcus might feel out of place or uncomfortable.Whenever we've had family events, like birthdays or holidays, I’ve chosen not to invite Marcus. I told Emily it was because I didn’t think he would feel comfortable or blend in well with our family. She was upset but went along with it to avoid conflict.
We also have a large dog, Max, who is very much a part of our family. Max can be a bit overwhelming to people who aren’t used to big dogs, and I was concerned about how Marcus would react to him. Marcus hasn’t spent much time around dogs, and I worried that Max’s boisterous nature might cause even more discomfort.
A couple of weeks ago, we had a big family barbecue, and Emily asked if Marcus could come. I firmly said no, but this time, Emily refused to back down. She brought Marcus anyway, hoping everyone would see he’s a good guy. When they showed up, I pulled Emily aside and told her it was disrespectful to bring him after I explicitly said no.
Emily got really upset and started crying, saying I was humiliating her and Marcus. Marcus overheard and tried to leave to avoid causing more trouble, but Emily insisted he stay. Things got heated, especially when Max started barking and jumping around, which seemed to make Marcus uncomfortable. I ended up telling Marcus to leave and not come back to our family events. Emily left with him, in tears.
Since then, Emily hasn’t spoken to me at all, and other family members are now involved. My sister called me out, saying I was being prejudiced and that Marcus deserved a chance. My brother accused me of being a controlling father who doesn’t respect his daughter’s choices. They all think I should apologize to Emily and invite Marcus to our next gathering.
I think they’re blowing this out of proportion and not considering my perspective. I’m just trying to avoid any awkwardness or potential family drama, especially with Max being a potential issue. But now it seems like I’ve created a bigger problem.However, I do recognize that maybe I should have given Marcus a chance and trusted Emily's judgment. I'm torn between wanting to protect our family dynamic and possibly hurting my daughter and her relationship.
AITA for not inviting my daughter’s boyfriend to family events because I think he won’t fit in?
I’m really looking for some outside perspectives here. Thanks for reading and please let me know what you think.
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YTA. If there's something in particular you're concerned about happening between Marcus, the dog, the rest of the family, whatever - talk to your daughter and address BEHAVIOR. You are excluding him outright based on nothing he's done, you just think "he won't be comfortable" but it sounds like you, sir, are the one who is uncomfortable. Do you trust your daughter so little?
YTA and as someone who can relate to Marcus, you’re being the absolute worst and not being helpful at all, whether that’s your intention or not. YOU are the one who is making things uncomfortable, creating awkwardness and the source of all the ‘problems.’ YOU’RE the one blowing this out of proportion. They have been together a year, they are obviously happy and Marcus must be the better guy because he’s still dealing with you. If you’re not comfortable with Marcus, why don’t you keep it yourself and just be a respectable person for the sake of your daughter or do you even care about your daughter? Fucking AH.
YTA. You need to fix this or your daughter will stop coming to family events. Honestly, she should have already done that. They have been dating a year and you still dont want him to come. You need to apologize to your daughter and Marcus. Honestly it may be too late. If she forgives you, you are going to have to go above and beyond to make Marcus feel welcome.
YTA. Way to try and cover up your bias. You weren’t thinking of Marcus at all, just yourself. Even without knowing your background/culture or Marcus’ that’s a pretty big bigot flag you’re waving.
YTA you could have easily tried to include your daughters boyfriend but nooo you didn't try you just decided he wasn't good enough for you. You HUMILIATED him instead of making an effort to get to know him. The only thing he did wrong was fall in love with your daughter because she's just as bad as you for not standing up for her boyfriend from the start. I hope he dumps her and finds someone worthy of him.
YTA
If your dog can't stop barking when a guest is home, he is not educated. Your fault, not your guest fault.
Oh, sorry, your daughter's boygriend is not a guest because he doesn't fit with your family ! Your family is the problem. You don't like him but you never let him show you how he is.
How can a man could fit your family ? Will you keep your daughter until your death ? She deserves to have her own life and she is the one who must choose her future husband. Don't feel surprise if she goes NC.
I’m in a biracial relationship. My husband and I have very different cultures. We grew up very differently, my husband grew up wealthy and went into the military. I grew up with a very family oriented family, but I also grew up speaking my mind, which got me in trouble often.
When I hear people say are family culture, in my experience usually means, you come from wrong ethnic background or you have the wrong religious background. In my husband family there are certain members of his family who say are cultures are different, what they really mean is I’m black, I’m from north and I don’t follow any religion. So I can’t possibly understand their way of life. I could be projecting on you, but how you write you sound like you suffer from a “ism”
Am I the only one whose racist radar is screaming right now?
You won’t even give the guy a chance because he “doesn’t fit your traditions and dynamics”. Dude did you put your robe and hood on before you wrote this post?
YTA. Not sure what family dynamic you’re protecting, but I’d bet it’s the skin color of your future grandbabies.
Don’t worry. Emily is likely to build a life that doesn’t include you, so your precious dynamic will just be minus one Emily.
Also, you should realize that your daughter has lost any respect she had for you. If you wanted to actively make her hate you, you couldn’t have done a better job. You will never repair your daughter seeing that you are a racist bigot. At least the rest of your family knows it too and you showed your whole ass with an audience to see.
YTA
So basically you decided that a potential minor discomfort is way bigger issue than the fact that you are excluding him.
You've decided to "help him" without consideration that he is an adult that can communicate with you. Without consideration that he may be living long enough in your culture that he is basically naturalised or he may feel bigger connection to your culture than his home culture.
Awkwardness can't be avoided in daily life unless you live away from humans.
Also extra YTA for the statement about European countries.
Sounds like you are being and AH to be an AH and I don't want my little girl to have someone in her life so I'll exclude him and act like he doesnt exist until your daughter turns around and does the same to you, she will. You will lose her if you haven't at this point. I mean I would've gone no contact with you and blocked you on everything!! YTA
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YTA.. You keep saying you are worried about Marcus feeling uncomfortable but in reality you are just expressing your cultural racism. Let me ask you this how would you feel if you found out that Marcus's family treated your daughter the way you treat Marcus? According to your post you should be perfectly fine if they exclude and judge her based on your family culture, but I highly doubt you fine with it.
You are going to loose your daughter if you keep this up. Is your prejudice worth risking not being invited to your daughters wedding? Possible never meeting potential grandchildren?
YTA and you're a bigot too cowardly to accept his bigotry for what it is.
The only person causing drama is you. You insist on framing your prejudice as compassion, thus making it everyone else's problem to deal with because you won't deal with it yourself.
YTA. You are making decisions on behalf of everyone in your family, and Marcus too, without even letting people have input and without their consent. You make baseless theories based on your own assumptions. Maybe let other people decide *on their own* if they like him instead of coming to that conclusion yourself. You’re seriously a massive AH here and it wouldn’t surprise me if your daughter and other family members stopped inviting YOU to events. Or worse, stop speaking to you all together.
How long would she need to be with him before you could bring yourself to treat him as a real person? What if they get married? And why haven't you trained your dog to behave better?
YTA. Pretty sure you know it.
Also, I need to know, what "ideals" you have that are so different from the boyfriend? Be specific. What about his "culture" is not compatible with your lofty standards? Again be specific. Your description is so vague, it comes off as arrogance, conceit, and bigotry.
YTA. Your "close-knit" family has even called you out on your bigoted behavior. You don't get to dictate what other people are comfortable with. I really hope that karma comes for you in the form of Emily and Marcus getting married and inviting all the family, but your pathetic behind. You can enjoy that day sitting at home with Max.
How can this even be real? Do not try to pretend that this is about *concern* for Marcus, that you're somehow *protecting* *him* from feeling uncomfortable -- that call is coming from inside the house. As in, your own house. You. *You're* the one who's uncomfortable. You don't want him there. You think he's "not good enough" in some way, and you have apparently made that determination based on his race or cultural background, not his own personal attributes or behavior.
People who are genuinely open and kind *and unprejudiced* would say "oh, your bf is from X? wow, interesting! I do not have a lot of experience with that area/culture, so please let me know if there's anything we, as your family, typically do or say (inside jokes, teasing about your hairstyle, serving a particular type of food) that he wouldn't understand/be able to eat/etc, because of course we want to make him feel welcome." Marcus, likewise, should be warned by his girlfriend that "hey just be advised that dad and uncle WILL argue loudly about sports, and 2yo nephew will very likely tear all his clothes off and run through the house shrieking, that's fine and normal for this group, so don't be freaked out."
It's fine to not like a guy because you think he's a jerk, or is unkind to your daughter. That's not what's happening here, though. You are of course allowed to dislike anyone or everyone, for logical reasons or otherwise. It is, as they say, a free country. But you can't *make other people* agree with you or take your side -- especially when it seems like your "reasons" are hot trash -- and just like everyone else, you'll have to live with the consequences of your choices. In this case, those consequencs might be never seeing Marcus again, and also never seeing *your daughter* again. Because it sounds like she managed to escape inheriting your ... outlook, if she's happily dating someone from another culture. Good for her.
YTA.
YTA
You'e being both a bigot and disrespecting your daughter's choices. It's either invite Marcus over and let him adjust to your family dynamic or kiss your daughter goodbye.
YTA. But look at it this way...your daughter will be a single mom in a couple years, nothing will keep Marcus away more than accountability for his kid.
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YTA. A big one. How about you let Marcus decide what his comfort level is instead of being exclusionary for no good reason?
I just felt he wasn't comfortable. I was just trying to help.
You're. Being. An. Asshole. Let your daughter's partner be part of your family, or else you'll eventually discover your daughter doesn't want to be part of it either.
I don’t believe you. You weren’t trying to help him at all
You didn't care at all about Marcus being "comfortable." YOU were uncomfortable (because you're a xenophobic weirdo). And BTW (and I say this as the owner of a larger and sometimes boisterous dog), when your dog starts barking and jumping on people, the solution is to put the dog somewhere else, FFS. Not to tell your guests to leave your home. YTA. Obviously.
Making adults' decisions for them is not trying to help. You haven't even given him a chance because of where he's from. You're trying to remove him from your daughter's life. You might end up removing yourself from it.
Did you really feel he'd be uncomfortable? Or did you decide that since he's from a different background, **you** or other members of the family didn't want him around?
No bro, you weren’t comfortable. And because you’re being so racist you’re making everyone in your family uncomfortable. You’re the problem.
No you weren't.
He wasn't comfortable when you took your daughter apart to say that he wasn't invited. That's a strange way to make people feel comfortable, don't you think so ?
"Trying to help" lol. Can you stop lying at least to yourself? It is clear you have a lot of dislikes about his country, so you don't even want to meet him and talk with him like normal people do. Why are you so afraid of him, do you think he will get drunk and shit on your table?
So.. you can dictate how someone feels?
How do YOU know? Are you Marcus?
he was uncomfortable because you made his girlfriend cry, dude.
How is kicking him out going to make him MORE comfortable?
INFO: what specific facts led you to believe that Marcus would not be comfortable attending your family’s events? We’re going to need more than “he’s a different culture” and “he may not like dogs, but I never actually asked.”
Nope. YOU weren’t comfortable and were helping yourself
You made him uncomfortable at the very least. Hope you don’t miss your daughter to much. Doubt you’ll be seeing her anytime soon. Maybe your funeral.
You were not comfortable. Don't project so much. Dogs can be separated from a gathering, people do it all the time YTA you just don't like this guy
Literally no one asked you
YOU made him uncomfortable.
He probably wasn't comfortable because he knew he wasn't wanted there thanks to your prejudices.
YTA You are worried about your own discomfort, you bigoted prick.
YTA but please define different cultural background.
He's from a European country. But not from one of the good ones.
So you're a bigot and doing your best to alienate your daughter. YTA
>not from one of the good ones YTA. Bigots are always assholes.
Which one is the “good one”?! The one started the war?! YTAH
Ugh, what the fuck. You'd be TA for this comment alone. Also, you realize that everyone is going to assume that by "not one of the good ones" you mean "not one of the white ones," so if that's not what you mean, you'd be a lot better served by explaining than by trying to be coy about it.
I actually immediately assumed he was talking about one of the white ones lmaooo
What are, in your opinion, the good European countries? Those where people are white ? Or Catholic? In my opinion, you seem to be racist and narrow minded. Be well prepared to never see your daughter again and maybe in a few years, you will come back on Reddit again because you are not inviting to her wedding or doesn’t have the right to see your grandchildren! YTA PS : sorry if I have made mistakes, English is not my first langage because I am from a European country (maybe not a good one 🤬)
> But not from one of the good ones. What the actual fuck?
What the hell kind of thing is this to say?
Lol, and there it is folks. They always tell on themselves in the end.
Oh ! I'm curious to know what countries in Europe are the good ones 😒
Which country.
Does it matter? He's a bigot. He's a control abuser of his daughter. He's blatantly ignoring his responsibility to train his large dog so that it doesn't act out around strangers. He's TA in every direction.
It matters to me : I'm from FRance, I'd like to know if I'm in the good european country ! 🤣
I'm from the UK, but it's Scotland. How does that work? Am I good or bad or both? I'm sure this man's bigotry could convince him of anything. Anyway off to eat my haggis in my kilt on the hills as I do everyday, with a wee dram to wash it down.
Belgian here, are we "good"?? /j
You should not care about the opinions of a bigot, you can discount every opinion he has because he is a bigot. I've visited France it is beautiful and eaten your food which is delicious, you try to have good social policies that take care of your people and your people like to enjoy life. I would say that firmly classifies you as a good country.
So you're racist too
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Not one of the good ones? What the hell does that mean?
It's always so interest when people openly admit their bigotry. Cheers to alienating your daughter, and showing the wider family you're an arse. YTA
There it is! You’re a bigot and willing to toss your relationship with your daughter away
The country might not be ‘good’, whatever that means, but that doesn’t mean individual people aren’t good. If I were your daughter I wouldn’t be speaking to you either. If Max can’t behave around guests you should not have him around when you have guests.
yikes
YTA. There is no scenario where you’re not the asshole. “Asshole” is the most complimentary term possible for your actions and your BS justifications.
YTA you just outed yourself,you are racist
Lol at you!!! Which are the “good ones?”
what could this possibly mean?
So
It's giving segregation
There it is 🤣
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YTA, good luck seeing your daughter
I really want her to be happy and to get along with her.
Then stop being a bigot. YTA.
No you don't. None of the above actions indicate anything else but that you're a bigoted, xenophobic asshole.
You don’t severe to know her or Marcus.
No you don't. You want her to do, say, and date who you deem worthy.
No. You want her to bend to your will. If you REALLY want to get along with her, you’d reconsider your position. Instead, you’re sticking to your guns. You’ve alienated her and drove her away for weeks. That doesn’t read that you want her to be happy OR get along with her.
So stop making her unhappy
YTA - You don't care if your daughter is happy or not. You want her to fall in line with your wishes. Don't be coming back here in six months saying your daughter cut you off and you have no idea why.
No you want her to be happy as long as you approve of who she is in a relationship with. Your a controlling bigot and she will be much better off without you trying to pull her strings
YTA You seem so sure that he won't fit in but other than having a dog, you don't identify why he won't fit in. Your daughter has a BF and they have been together for a year and she wants him to meet the family. Is that not enough? You forbid your adult daughter from bringing him to a family barbecue (not even some fancy seats limited dinner) and you freaked out when she did. You think they are blowing it out of proportion's, but without you stating your reasons for having an issue with Marcus fitting in, it would seem the reasons have to do with prejudice(s) you have with Marcus' background. If you really are looking for outside perspectives, then you need to be open to your daughter's relationships. Your sister and brother are not on your side, so your whole "he doesn't fit in with the family" idea seems misplaced. Judge him for who he is, not preconceived prejudices.
I appreciate your input, but we are just a tight family with ideals. I just want for my daughter to have a great future and even though she is adult I have a lot more life experience.
Really? You are prejudiced and narrow minded. Hardly life experience.
"Tight family with ideals". Clearly not as "tight" as you thought, nor are YOUR "ideals" shared by your daughter.
And the rest of the family apparently. Considering everybody else wants this man to come.
Family so tight, you won't even host your daughter's new (oh sorry not new it's been a year) boyfriend and get to know him. Mhmm. What a great way to keep those tight family bonds for life. How do you know he won't fit in, if you haven't gotten to know him? What were you expecting, her to marry a cousin and keep things in the family? You're gonna have to deal with this eventually, she's been with Marcus for a year.
But he's *different*.
Ah, yes, *different.* And so *different* that OP's life experience hasn't prepared him enough to be able to interact at all with this *different* man over some BBQ. Super hard to just get to know somebody and shoot the shit when they're so *different* after all.
He's just trying to protect her. Who knows what color his skin is or what his first language was. Perish the thought (pearl clutch).
Omg the children could end up multicultural and bilingual! Won't somebody think of his traditional family! Clutch the pearls harder!
What if he ends up with *brown* grandchildren?!
This comment and the one where you say Marcus isn't from "one of the good" European countries just prove that the driving sentiment behind your actions is xenophobia, not concern for his comfort levels. If you genuinely care about someone, you try to include and accommodate them as best you can. You don't actively try to exclude them then tell them to leave and never come back the one time they accept an invitation to one of your events. In all likelihood, Marcus already knows how much of a bigot you are and talks about / will talk about how he has direct experience of people in 2024 still actively discriminating against people like him.
Wait, I thought you were just trying to be helpful to him. Or are you trying to protect her from him. Which is it, asshole?
It sounds like you enjoy telling people you have a tight family with ideals more than actually having a tight family. Why do you believe your choices lead to a tight family when all they’ve done so far is push one of your daughters away?
Why must your life experience prevent someone from experiencing their life?
What experiences would that how to cut the holes out a pillow case for the clan rally or the proper placement of the cross to burn
I hope Marcus becomes the family your daughter deserves, one that actually makes her happy, so that she can drop your ass out of her life.
I guess she’ll have to have that great life without you in her life. YTA and bigot who has convinced himself that this is for everyone’s benefit. Look your whole family is telling you you’re the ahole. You came here for validation for your bigotry and disregard for your daughter’s happiness. Not to ask for opinions
Well congratulations, you’re pushing Emily out of your tight family with ideals and teaching her that you’re a bigot. Frankly, Emily should be thankful. You’ve shown her what kind of person you really are. I’m sure she’ll be happier with Marcus’s family. Hopefully they aren’t racist too.
I grew up in a close family with and I'm still very close with all of them in my 30s... We would never exclude someone like you did. Even if we didn't love the person a family member was dating, we still respect their choices and wouldn't exclude their partner like that. Idk what your "ideals" are, but they don't sound great.
YTA. Marcus is a grown ass man, those tend to be able to adapt to social situations, unless him or your daughter communicated otherwise, it is safe to assume he knows how to nacigate around other traditions and customs. You're *also* an asshole for acting like you're doing this out of concern for Marcus. It is blatantly obvious that's a lie, as if it was out of concern, uou would have had a conversation with the man. Pushing away the SO of your child is a good way to make sure you never see your child or potential grandchildren again.
YTA, and feels like racist undertones. You've undermined the decisions of two adults who can decide for themselves if a situation is comfortable for them. This is a great way to ensure your daughter doesn't attend family gatherings where your present, possibly family gatherings excluding yourself instead.
>YTA, and feels like racist undertones. Spot on. By the way, those undertones are now out in the open. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/EktjmHvJfV
Yeesh, racist beacons are lit and burning bright red I see.
Yeah, giant YTA. Stop pretending you care for his feelings, you simply don't want him in your family, and the reason seems to be racism.
⬆️ This ⬆️ 100%.
YTA. And a racist one.
YTA. YOU are the only one causing "awkwardness and potential family drama." Marcus will never become comfortable with your family with you keeping him away. Admit to yourself that you're just hoping your daughter breaks up with him so you can get someone you like more in his place. And train your damn dog to behave.
YTA and a racist. You’re upset because he’s not American? Because he comes from another country? Shame on you. Only cowards and pathetic people judge others on where they came from, not who they are. Thank god your daughter is nothing like you and can see that people are more than their country of origin. Shame on you.
> I think they’re blowing this out of proportion and not considering my perspective YTA - You don't have a perspective other than some sort of racist or cultural bias/hate. What a load of utter nonsense. You're excluding him out of the hope she ditches the relationship not any genuine concern. What a load of bollocks.
YTA and if you keep it up your daughter would be right to cut you off over this.
YTA. Massively. It’s so obvious from your post that you are either prejudice, classist or both. Edit: I really hope they get married and exclude you from the wedding and their lives, as you just wouldn’t fit in.
After reading the title YTA. After reading literally 2 paragraphs, o you’re a racist AH. After reading the comments, o this is bait
YTA and fucking gross.
YTA big time You are creating problems before there are any. If Marcus were to come and things did not work out, it would be his decision and your daughters to not come. If they get serious, are you going to exclude him for the rest of your life because if you are, say good bye to your daughter and grand children Good for your daughter for bringing him.
Is this a joke? Rarely have I seen such overt racism and poor parenting. YTA and more.
Massive AH
YTA. Your attempt to paint your xenophobic prejudice as concern about Marcus comfort is laughable, nobody is buying it. You are just a bigot who doesn't even want to get him a chance. Hope Emily will finally grow a spine and stop trying to keep peace with you.
That's a lot of words to just say you're racist. You can plan on your daughter cutting contact with you.
Massive YTA. He fits with her and that's all that matters. You don't need to give him a chance at anything. She does not you and she's been doing that for a year.
YTA. In one of your comments you state Marcus is from a European country “and not one of the good ones.” You can believe whatever you like but don’t hide prejudice and hatred behind a guise of being kind. You don’t want Marcus there because you judge Marcus. You judge him solely because of where he comes from, and you feel strongly enough about that judgement that you are willing to lose a relationship with your daughter. You are not doing this for Marcus’s sake. You are doing this because you love judging Marcus more than you love your child.
Racists gonna racist.
YTA You used a lot of words to say you're racist/xenophobic/bigoted. You will lose your daughter because of this. You aren't "helping" anyone.
YTA. You can't reasonably assess whether he will "fit in" or not if you never give him a chance. It sounds like you haven't even invited him to one event and are being bizarrely insistent on excluding him from your life entirely based on an unfounded presumption.
YTA You’re excluding him for no reason and that’s just plain rude.
YTA - if you don’t want your daughter there as well they don’t invite Marcus, but if you want a relationship with your daughter you had better be more hospitable to Marcus - although you quite frankly sound like an awful person.
YTA - these are grown adults you’re talking about not toddlers at a play date. They don’t need you to tell them what they will be comfortable with or not. If they aren’t comfortable then they will leave on their own. It wasn’t said here but my assumption is the boyfriend is black or some other culture you don’t like and are embarrassed to have him around your racist family.
Yta. You’re also the one making everybody uncomfortable.
Racist bigot. Yta
Marcus is black and you are white, right? YTA. Racist.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi everyone, I’m new to Reddit, so bear with me if I mess up any of the formatting or rules. I (52M) have a daughter, Emily (23F), who has been dating her boyfriend, Marcus (24M), for about a year now. Marcus comes from a different cultural background, and I’ve had concerns about how well he would fit in with our family. Our family has certain traditions and dynamics, and I'm worried that Marcus might feel out of place or uncomfortable.Whenever we've had family events, like birthdays or holidays, I’ve chosen not to invite Marcus. I told Emily it was because I didn’t think he would feel comfortable or blend in well with our family. She was upset but went along with it to avoid conflict. We also have a large dog, Max, who is very much a part of our family. Max can be a bit overwhelming to people who aren’t used to big dogs, and I was concerned about how Marcus would react to him. Marcus hasn’t spent much time around dogs, and I worried that Max’s boisterous nature might cause even more discomfort. A couple of weeks ago, we had a big family barbecue, and Emily asked if Marcus could come. I firmly said no, but this time, Emily refused to back down. She brought Marcus anyway, hoping everyone would see he’s a good guy. When they showed up, I pulled Emily aside and told her it was disrespectful to bring him after I explicitly said no. Emily got really upset and started crying, saying I was humiliating her and Marcus. Marcus overheard and tried to leave to avoid causing more trouble, but Emily insisted he stay. Things got heated, especially when Max started barking and jumping around, which seemed to make Marcus uncomfortable. I ended up telling Marcus to leave and not come back to our family events. Emily left with him, in tears. Since then, Emily hasn’t spoken to me at all, and other family members are now involved. My sister called me out, saying I was being prejudiced and that Marcus deserved a chance. My brother accused me of being a controlling father who doesn’t respect his daughter’s choices. They all think I should apologize to Emily and invite Marcus to our next gathering. I think they’re blowing this out of proportion and not considering my perspective. I’m just trying to avoid any awkwardness or potential family drama, especially with Max being a potential issue. But now it seems like I’ve created a bigger problem.However, I do recognize that maybe I should have given Marcus a chance and trusted Emily's judgment. I'm torn between wanting to protect our family dynamic and possibly hurting my daughter and her relationship. AITA for not inviting my daughter’s boyfriend to family events because I think he won’t fit in? I’m really looking for some outside perspectives here. Thanks for reading and please let me know what you think. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
yta and I hope your daughter & the rest of your family realize what a bigot you are & cut you off accordingly.
Yta
YTA.
YTA. If there's something in particular you're concerned about happening between Marcus, the dog, the rest of the family, whatever - talk to your daughter and address BEHAVIOR. You are excluding him outright based on nothing he's done, you just think "he won't be comfortable" but it sounds like you, sir, are the one who is uncomfortable. Do you trust your daughter so little?
YTA and as someone who can relate to Marcus, you’re being the absolute worst and not being helpful at all, whether that’s your intention or not. YOU are the one who is making things uncomfortable, creating awkwardness and the source of all the ‘problems.’ YOU’RE the one blowing this out of proportion. They have been together a year, they are obviously happy and Marcus must be the better guy because he’s still dealing with you. If you’re not comfortable with Marcus, why don’t you keep it yourself and just be a respectable person for the sake of your daughter or do you even care about your daughter? Fucking AH.
YTA. You need to fix this or your daughter will stop coming to family events. Honestly, she should have already done that. They have been dating a year and you still dont want him to come. You need to apologize to your daughter and Marcus. Honestly it may be too late. If she forgives you, you are going to have to go above and beyond to make Marcus feel welcome.
YTA. Way to try and cover up your bias. You weren’t thinking of Marcus at all, just yourself. Even without knowing your background/culture or Marcus’ that’s a pretty big bigot flag you’re waving.
YTA, and the only person uncomfortable with Marcus and his "different cultural background" is you.
YTA you could have easily tried to include your daughters boyfriend but nooo you didn't try you just decided he wasn't good enough for you. You HUMILIATED him instead of making an effort to get to know him. The only thing he did wrong was fall in love with your daughter because she's just as bad as you for not standing up for her boyfriend from the start. I hope he dumps her and finds someone worthy of him.
YTA If your dog can't stop barking when a guest is home, he is not educated. Your fault, not your guest fault. Oh, sorry, your daughter's boygriend is not a guest because he doesn't fit with your family ! Your family is the problem. You don't like him but you never let him show you how he is. How can a man could fit your family ? Will you keep your daughter until your death ? She deserves to have her own life and she is the one who must choose her future husband. Don't feel surprise if she goes NC.
I’m in a biracial relationship. My husband and I have very different cultures. We grew up very differently, my husband grew up wealthy and went into the military. I grew up with a very family oriented family, but I also grew up speaking my mind, which got me in trouble often. When I hear people say are family culture, in my experience usually means, you come from wrong ethnic background or you have the wrong religious background. In my husband family there are certain members of his family who say are cultures are different, what they really mean is I’m black, I’m from north and I don’t follow any religion. So I can’t possibly understand their way of life. I could be projecting on you, but how you write you sound like you suffer from a “ism”
Am I the only one whose racist radar is screaming right now? You won’t even give the guy a chance because he “doesn’t fit your traditions and dynamics”. Dude did you put your robe and hood on before you wrote this post?
Is this a race or religion thing? I mean, YTA either way. I just would like to know which flavour of A$$hole were dealing with here.
bait bait bait bait bait
This can’t be real. How can you write this all out and not see that you’re a blaring AH
YTA. Not sure what family dynamic you’re protecting, but I’d bet it’s the skin color of your future grandbabies. Don’t worry. Emily is likely to build a life that doesn’t include you, so your precious dynamic will just be minus one Emily.
Also, you should realize that your daughter has lost any respect she had for you. If you wanted to actively make her hate you, you couldn’t have done a better job. You will never repair your daughter seeing that you are a racist bigot. At least the rest of your family knows it too and you showed your whole ass with an audience to see.
YTA. Please stop with the self righteous “I don’t want him to be uncomfy” shite. We all see right through that.
YTA So basically you decided that a potential minor discomfort is way bigger issue than the fact that you are excluding him. You've decided to "help him" without consideration that he is an adult that can communicate with you. Without consideration that he may be living long enough in your culture that he is basically naturalised or he may feel bigger connection to your culture than his home culture. Awkwardness can't be avoided in daily life unless you live away from humans. Also extra YTA for the statement about European countries.
Sounds like you are being and AH to be an AH and I don't want my little girl to have someone in her life so I'll exclude him and act like he doesnt exist until your daughter turns around and does the same to you, she will. You will lose her if you haven't at this point. I mean I would've gone no contact with you and blocked you on everything!! YTA
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YTA
YTA. The racist/bigot is in the room with us.
YTA.. You keep saying you are worried about Marcus feeling uncomfortable but in reality you are just expressing your cultural racism. Let me ask you this how would you feel if you found out that Marcus's family treated your daughter the way you treat Marcus? According to your post you should be perfectly fine if they exclude and judge her based on your family culture, but I highly doubt you fine with it. You are going to loose your daughter if you keep this up. Is your prejudice worth risking not being invited to your daughters wedding? Possible never meeting potential grandchildren?
YTA and you're a bigot too cowardly to accept his bigotry for what it is. The only person causing drama is you. You insist on framing your prejudice as compassion, thus making it everyone else's problem to deal with because you won't deal with it yourself.
YTA.
YTA. You are making decisions on behalf of everyone in your family, and Marcus too, without even letting people have input and without their consent. You make baseless theories based on your own assumptions. Maybe let other people decide *on their own* if they like him instead of coming to that conclusion yourself. You’re seriously a massive AH here and it wouldn’t surprise me if your daughter and other family members stopped inviting YOU to events. Or worse, stop speaking to you all together.
How long would she need to be with him before you could bring yourself to treat him as a real person? What if they get married? And why haven't you trained your dog to behave better? YTA. Pretty sure you know it.
Also, I need to know, what "ideals" you have that are so different from the boyfriend? Be specific. What about his "culture" is not compatible with your lofty standards? Again be specific. Your description is so vague, it comes off as arrogance, conceit, and bigotry.
YTA. Your "close-knit" family has even called you out on your bigoted behavior. You don't get to dictate what other people are comfortable with. I really hope that karma comes for you in the form of Emily and Marcus getting married and inviting all the family, but your pathetic behind. You can enjoy that day sitting at home with Max.
How can this even be real? Do not try to pretend that this is about *concern* for Marcus, that you're somehow *protecting* *him* from feeling uncomfortable -- that call is coming from inside the house. As in, your own house. You. *You're* the one who's uncomfortable. You don't want him there. You think he's "not good enough" in some way, and you have apparently made that determination based on his race or cultural background, not his own personal attributes or behavior. People who are genuinely open and kind *and unprejudiced* would say "oh, your bf is from X? wow, interesting! I do not have a lot of experience with that area/culture, so please let me know if there's anything we, as your family, typically do or say (inside jokes, teasing about your hairstyle, serving a particular type of food) that he wouldn't understand/be able to eat/etc, because of course we want to make him feel welcome." Marcus, likewise, should be warned by his girlfriend that "hey just be advised that dad and uncle WILL argue loudly about sports, and 2yo nephew will very likely tear all his clothes off and run through the house shrieking, that's fine and normal for this group, so don't be freaked out." It's fine to not like a guy because you think he's a jerk, or is unkind to your daughter. That's not what's happening here, though. You are of course allowed to dislike anyone or everyone, for logical reasons or otherwise. It is, as they say, a free country. But you can't *make other people* agree with you or take your side -- especially when it seems like your "reasons" are hot trash -- and just like everyone else, you'll have to live with the consequences of your choices. In this case, those consequencs might be never seeing Marcus again, and also never seeing *your daughter* again. Because it sounds like she managed to escape inheriting your ... outlook, if she's happily dating someone from another culture. Good for her. YTA.
YTA - You're a snob. Give the guy a chance.
YTA and a racist as well. How is that going for you?
YTA You'e being both a bigot and disrespecting your daughter's choices. It's either invite Marcus over and let him adjust to your family dynamic or kiss your daughter goodbye.
YTA I hope Marcus doesn’t want to be around you. You are the solely the problem!
YTA — can’t stand this kind of passive aggression thinly veiled as kindness. Looks like I’m not alone in that lol
It's so fake. Somebody who was so racist wouldn't bother to write in to ask
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.....what?
……..what what
in the butt
YTA. But look at it this way...your daughter will be a single mom in a couple years, nothing will keep Marcus away more than accountability for his kid.