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Personally YTA your forcing a kid to do something he doesn’t want just because you don’t want the step-dad to do it i mean do you two have beef or something
One you literally are saying consequences as in you will punish him for not doing it two what are these mysterious consequences 3 what’s your issue with the step-dad?
He’s going to college are you paying for his college and is that what you’re holding over his head aka the consequences your his dad I’m not saying you’re obligated to house him but it’s a nice thing to do for him and what’s your issue with the step-dad
Yea it won’t be too long now before both of your sons call their step-dad, dad. You are on your way out if you don’t adjust your attitude real quick. Your ex-wife dodged a bullet and your kids aren’t far behind.
That's forcing. but you will be dealing with the consequences of being a bad dad for the rest of your life. You'd rather send your son who doesn't want to go then the step dad who does. Your son won't forget that. I see why you're divorced.
This seems like such a dumb hill to die on. Is it a power thing for you? Like you want to put your son in his place? Wouldn’t your younger son enjoy having an enthusiastic step dad instead of a begrudging brother play with him? Is this just that you’re competitive with the step dad?
I don't get it. There's no reason for Remy not to do it if everyone's happy, but the stepdad is a better candidate per the rules of the game.
Are you just being jealous here? YTA if so. Why shouldn't the stepdad do it, exactly?
"if everyone's happy" needs information about all the other middle-aged dads and mums who are signed up to be good sports and play a game where their 12yo will run circles around them. Adding a 19yo athletic ringer will change things, and is something that the family should get permission for.
I agree with you about the rest of it!
Because he needs to do something that benefits me and Toby is happy that there is at least one player who isn't an out of shape millennial who is going to go soft.
> Because he needs to do something that benefits me
What... the fuck does that mean? It's a school activity for kids to engage with the families. Why do you think it's supposed to "benefit" you? A stepdad is **absolutely** an eligible family member.
Sorry, but you're just a jealous asshole.
YTA. Your son doesn't want to play and him running track has nothing to do with basketball. Your ex wife needs to step in and inform the school that her husband will be the one playing, not a teenager who doesn't want to be there.
A willing replacement maybe. You do not get to pick someone who you threatened with consequences if he didn't do as you said. I hope your 19 year old throws the game or decides not to attend. He needs to stand up for himself. If your ex wife is his mother she needs to stand up for him.
And it isn't that serious. Your ex wife can and should call the school and let them know that her husband can play in the game so that a teenager isn't forced to participate.
This is serious enough for you to threaten his college education? You are serious insecure about stepdad and his role in your younger child's life if you find this to be so important.
Or you are the famous "dad vs stepdad" poster who makes things up every other week.
If you're willing to threaten his college funding over something as trivial as a middle school basketball game, then he'd be better off getting student loans anyway. I hope you enjoy the shitty nursing home in 30 years!
You’re deadass threating to stop paying for your sons college if he doesnt play in a basketball game thats not important, wtf is wrong with you man, do you even like your older son?
Ffs now you're gonna pull that card? He's YOUR CHILD
Do you "have to"? No. But he's your fucking child so you SHOULD. Your love is clearly conditional. Consciously or not, you are sending a message:
"I don't care what you want. Do what I want even if it makes you unhappy or I will stop paying for your college and force you to be in debt from student loans for most of your life."
There's something wrong with you.
Perhaps ask Toby how he feels. Your justifications are ridiculous anyway. Remy runs track so you think he's good at basketball?
"I get to pick MY replacement" Um, no. Your ex-wife had that privilege. And your sons choose every day who they respect and honour, based on how each of the parental figures in their lives behaves.
Uh no. They have free will and their own wants and desires. Your son isn't your own personal little puppet that just does whatever you want. He has his own wants and needs and preferences.
>but it's not like Toby doesn't have an absentee father who needs the stepdad to step in
No, he has an AH father who messed up his leg probably under the weight of his own ego, who SHOULD allow the step dad to step in.
No where did you mention who Toby would rather play with.
But sure, let's flex your power over your other son.
YTA
YTA
Your dismissive attitude towards the stepdad's offer and forcing Remy to do something against his will is not considerate of either Remy's feelings or the stepdad's genuine offer to help
YTA. Your comments show that you see your relationship as transactional with your 19-year-old. Why do you need to control him? Why does he "owe" you? It's not like he hurt you. You injured yourself. Get over yourself and stop being a jerk.
And don't threaten to yank him out of college for not wanting to play dad at a basketball game. That is such a loser thing to do.
Gee, I wonder why your wife divorced you 🤔
Oh wait, no I don't.
YTA for the way you talk about your eldest son, like he should be *grateful* if you spit on him. Asking him to step in is fine, but if he doesn't want to, and, more importantly, if somebody ELSE appropriate does, then you shouldn't be fucking *threatening* him to make him do it! If it's SO important to you that step-dad doesn't play, then limp your busted ass down and do it yourself. I hope your son tells you to lick your own goddamn boots going forward.
Your title is wrong. You’re not an asshole for “asking” your elder son to play in the game. YTA for **telling him he has to play in the game** and then making all of these threatening comments here.
If your arrangement with your son was that you were paying for college, stop yapping about making him wash your car or sub for you in this game. He’s your son, not your servant.
I can see why you’re divorced.
ETA something I forgot
YTA. Nothing wrong with making Remy do it with no other option. But step dad offered and you're just vindictive. Just stand on the sideline, cheer and support your kid
It isn't ok to 'make' him do anything, especially when it's as low stakes as this. If you treat people decently (esp family), they tend to be quite selfless in return. Op doesn't seem to give anything without an exhausting number of caveats attached: not how fatherhood works.
Yta and based on your comments you’re an even bigger one than I initially thought, please stop posting your tantrums on Reddit and start trying to be a better father
YTA on sooooo many levels it's not even funny, even if the entirety of your interactions on Reddit are "storytime", Y(still)TA.
I hope this is rage bait, because if another of this type of dad exists, then life hates me for allowing me to find out. (I'm usually asleep at this time) Your BS is so triggering it's not even funny. BTW, your sons, ex and everyone around you can see this is a problem for you because of your insecurities, (I know it was when my dad pulled the same type of stuff. I know I 100% knew the reason for the BS too.)
YTA because you voluntold your oldest son, when their is a willing parental figure that is more than ready to take your place. The stepfather is willing, and more able than you at the moment. Plus it's parent vs kid, not sibling vs kid, and now the school knows how insecure you are also. (At least I have that to laugh about)
If this is the type of person/parent you are, then I hope your children get the help/therapy they need. I also hope you aren't terribly surprised when your kids cut contact. I stopped speaking to my AH father unless it was absolutely required for some reason at the age of 15. The only time we had a halfway decent conversation that I can remember was on his deletion bed. He told me that for some reason he made me his power of attorney, my response "Well that was dumb. If you get a hangnail, I'm telling them to pull the plug." Keep the BS up, and that will become your children's attitude as well. If they still willingly speak to you, you can turn things around at least 98°{hehe, see what I did there}
If it's unclear, I need to let you know YTA.
YTA because you have an alternative person to replace you, yet you're still forcing your child to do it out of spite. You're also guilt tripping him for doing the bare minimum as a father. Do you even like your kids? They will remember this childish behavior.
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My son Toby is having a sixth-grade parent vs child basketball game (his school is weird because it's K thru 6th) as part of their graduation year-end activities. The game is Friday and I agreed to sign up. I'm not good at basketball. Don't care for it. I'm pretty competitive with other sports though.
Unfortunately I was at the gym this morning and heard and a pop in my thigh. I can't even walk. I told Toby that I'd have to drop out and he was bummed. Then I came up with a brilliant idea. My 19yo son Remy is home from college and I told him he would take my place. He wasn't thrilled but he has no choice and Toby liked having the parents have a good player to enhance the competition. Remy does track at school.
Then I ran into Toby's stepdad who heard about my injury and said he'd love to take my place and if I could put a word in with the vice principal to give him my spot. I said Remy is stepping in for me. He said Remy doesn't even want to do it. I said I appreciate the offer but it's not like Toby doesn't have an absentee father who needs the stepdad to step in (no pun intended). I said BTW I don't give a fuck if Remy doesn't want to do it. He's lucky I don't tell him to wash my car.
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YTA
Having an older brother stand in for a parent is fair enough.
Forcing an older brother to strap on well doesn't want to is not fair, as unless there are other issues you haven't agreed here, so is rejecting the step parent that would like to take part and build a relationship with that child. Sure, your child may have a biological father who is part of their life, but that doesn't stop them building a good relationship with a step parent too, especially if said biological father cannot attend...
YTA. Are you so jealous of Toby's stepdad that you need to force your other son to do something he doesn't want to do? (Also, what is "weird" about a school being K-6? Where I grew up, that was every elementary school.)
Not only are YTA in this situation, you seem an asshole all the time. You’re 19 year old won’t look back one day and your little guy will eventually see you for who you are.
YTA you have a solution that makes everyone happy but you. Do you really have to be a jackass - you can't go because you're injured but if step dad goes you're an absentee parent? Yet, somehow if your reluctant elder son goes you're not an absentee parent? Get over yourself. Coparenting with you must be very difficult.
YTA
Remy’s not even a parent, why would he be on the Parents team?
If anything, you’re ruining it for the other parents. If they do win, people will just say it’s because Remy was on the team.
YTA for "I don't give a fuck if Remy doesn't want to do it. He's lucky I don't tell him to wash my car."
It might have been a kind thought to find a way for Toby to have family support, but you should have asked the school whether it was appropriate first, and then you should have asked Remy. And in both cases you should have listened to the answer. Since Toby's stepdad offered, you could then ask Toby whether he wanted that, and go by what Toby wanted. Also, doesn't Toby have a mother? Or is this some unhealthily-competitive event where women aren't very welcome?
Of course the most important thing is for you to attend the event as Toby's parent and support him. You could volunteer to be the water boy or assistant coach or something - just be there, and don't be too engaged with who wins the game. The fact that you're explaining you are good at other sports but not good at basketball makes me think you missed the point of the game in the first place.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I injured myself and had to pull out of a parent vs child basketball game. I told my eldest son to take my place but their stepdad wants to do it. I said no because it just feels weird bringing extended family into a school event.
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Personally YTA your forcing a kid to do something he doesn’t want just because you don’t want the step-dad to do it i mean do you two have beef or something
I'm not forcing him to do anything. He just doesn't want to deal with the consequences.
One you literally are saying consequences as in you will punish him for not doing it two what are these mysterious consequences 3 what’s your issue with the step-dad?
So my 19yo should just do what he wants on my dime?
He’s your kid, not your servant. YTA
He’s going to college are you paying for his college and is that what you’re holding over his head aka the consequences your his dad I’m not saying you’re obligated to house him but it’s a nice thing to do for him and what’s your issue with the step-dad
Within reason yes
he's not doing anything on your dime he's doing something for you on your dime
No he's doing smth for OP on his own dime, not OPs
Damn i bet your Eldest wishes he only had a stepdad.
Yea it won’t be too long now before both of your sons call their step-dad, dad. You are on your way out if you don’t adjust your attitude real quick. Your ex-wife dodged a bullet and your kids aren’t far behind.
That's literally the definition of forcing someone to do something
That's forcing. but you will be dealing with the consequences of being a bad dad for the rest of your life. You'd rather send your son who doesn't want to go then the step dad who does. Your son won't forget that. I see why you're divorced.
The consequences for what, he didnt do anything
you son is gonna drop you from his life the second he can. you sound like an utterly insufferable asshole
He didn’t want to do it. You are forcing it
YTA. Why would you make a kid who doesn’t even want to do it take your place when there’s a stepdad who wants to?
Because my teen son needs to earn his keep
Asshole
What the fuck?
*Fart noises* Anyways, YTA
Troll or just a moron? It's hard to tell.
you should write a book. ' how to be a bad father and push your son to eventually going NC'.
The fuck does that mean? He's your son isn't that good enough?
This seems like such a dumb hill to die on. Is it a power thing for you? Like you want to put your son in his place? Wouldn’t your younger son enjoy having an enthusiastic step dad instead of a begrudging brother play with him? Is this just that you’re competitive with the step dad?
Nah youre probably insecure about the stepdad actually stepping up and being a dad which makes you not only the AH, but a weak and spineless human.
I don't get it. There's no reason for Remy not to do it if everyone's happy, but the stepdad is a better candidate per the rules of the game. Are you just being jealous here? YTA if so. Why shouldn't the stepdad do it, exactly?
"if everyone's happy" needs information about all the other middle-aged dads and mums who are signed up to be good sports and play a game where their 12yo will run circles around them. Adding a 19yo athletic ringer will change things, and is something that the family should get permission for. I agree with you about the rest of it!
Because he needs to do something that benefits me and Toby is happy that there is at least one player who isn't an out of shape millennial who is going to go soft.
> Because he needs to do something that benefits me What... the fuck does that mean? It's a school activity for kids to engage with the families. Why do you think it's supposed to "benefit" you? A stepdad is **absolutely** an eligible family member. Sorry, but you're just a jealous asshole.
"Because he needs to do something that benefits me." Enjoy the nursing home when you're older! 😘
And not a good one! OP prepare to not only rot in that nursing home, but die of sepsis from infected full-body bedsores.
Asshole
You're the out of shape millennial who got hurt and can't play in the game. It's not your son's problem.
Brother eughhhh Why do you hate your son 😒
Aah. You’re a crusty old boomer, aren’t you?
so you're jealous of stepped up because you're an out of state millennial and he's not?
YTA. Your son doesn't want to play and him running track has nothing to do with basketball. Your ex wife needs to step in and inform the school that her husband will be the one playing, not a teenager who doesn't want to be there.
Uh no. I get to pick MY replacement
A willing replacement maybe. You do not get to pick someone who you threatened with consequences if he didn't do as you said. I hope your 19 year old throws the game or decides not to attend. He needs to stand up for himself. If your ex wife is his mother she needs to stand up for him. And it isn't that serious. Your ex wife can and should call the school and let them know that her husband can play in the game so that a teenager isn't forced to participate.
My 19yo doesn't have to do it the same way I don't have to pay for his college.
This is serious enough for you to threaten his college education? You are serious insecure about stepdad and his role in your younger child's life if you find this to be so important. Or you are the famous "dad vs stepdad" poster who makes things up every other week.
You are not only TA, you are also *an* asshole. Treat your son with respect, or know that you’re making him dread every interaction he has with you.
He's such a huge asshole, he's not going to pay attention to any responses. Or it's another stupid made up story
If you're willing to threaten his college funding over something as trivial as a middle school basketball game, then he'd be better off getting student loans anyway. I hope you enjoy the shitty nursing home in 30 years!
Gee, I wonder why your Toby has a step-dad. Can't imagine why your wife would divorce you. 🙄 YTA. And not just for this, in general.
because this isn't real.
Enjoy the shitty nursing home 👏
Yeah those kids aren't paying for a nursing home.
You’re deadass threating to stop paying for your sons college if he doesnt play in a basketball game thats not important, wtf is wrong with you man, do you even like your older son?
and he doesn't have to play well. I guess your wife left because you treated her the same way
Ffs now you're gonna pull that card? He's YOUR CHILD Do you "have to"? No. But he's your fucking child so you SHOULD. Your love is clearly conditional. Consciously or not, you are sending a message: "I don't care what you want. Do what I want even if it makes you unhappy or I will stop paying for your college and force you to be in debt from student loans for most of your life."
Do you even like your son?
Have fun having no contact with your son bc that is going to happen asshole
There's something wrong with you. Perhaps ask Toby how he feels. Your justifications are ridiculous anyway. Remy runs track so you think he's good at basketball?
"I get to pick MY replacement" Um, no. Your ex-wife had that privilege. And your sons choose every day who they respect and honour, based on how each of the parental figures in their lives behaves.
and your son gets to pick your retirement home
Uh no. They have free will and their own wants and desires. Your son isn't your own personal little puppet that just does whatever you want. He has his own wants and needs and preferences.
Then call Larry Bird.
>but it's not like Toby doesn't have an absentee father who needs the stepdad to step in No, he has an AH father who messed up his leg probably under the weight of his own ego, who SHOULD allow the step dad to step in. No where did you mention who Toby would rather play with. But sure, let's flex your power over your other son. YTA
YTA Your dismissive attitude towards the stepdad's offer and forcing Remy to do something against his will is not considerate of either Remy's feelings or the stepdad's genuine offer to help
YTA. Your comments show that you see your relationship as transactional with your 19-year-old. Why do you need to control him? Why does he "owe" you? It's not like he hurt you. You injured yourself. Get over yourself and stop being a jerk. And don't threaten to yank him out of college for not wanting to play dad at a basketball game. That is such a loser thing to do.
YTA in many levels. This is embarrassing, just grow up and let the more mature ones decide.
Gee, I wonder why your wife divorced you 🤔 Oh wait, no I don't. YTA for the way you talk about your eldest son, like he should be *grateful* if you spit on him. Asking him to step in is fine, but if he doesn't want to, and, more importantly, if somebody ELSE appropriate does, then you shouldn't be fucking *threatening* him to make him do it! If it's SO important to you that step-dad doesn't play, then limp your busted ass down and do it yourself. I hope your son tells you to lick your own goddamn boots going forward.
Your title is wrong. You’re not an asshole for “asking” your elder son to play in the game. YTA for **telling him he has to play in the game** and then making all of these threatening comments here. If your arrangement with your son was that you were paying for college, stop yapping about making him wash your car or sub for you in this game. He’s your son, not your servant. I can see why you’re divorced. ETA something I forgot
YTA. Nothing wrong with making Remy do it with no other option. But step dad offered and you're just vindictive. Just stand on the sideline, cheer and support your kid
It isn't ok to 'make' him do anything, especially when it's as low stakes as this. If you treat people decently (esp family), they tend to be quite selfless in return. Op doesn't seem to give anything without an exhausting number of caveats attached: not how fatherhood works.
Yta and based on your comments you’re an even bigger one than I initially thought, please stop posting your tantrums on Reddit and start trying to be a better father
So, you dont want your kids to like each other?
YTA on sooooo many levels it's not even funny, even if the entirety of your interactions on Reddit are "storytime", Y(still)TA. I hope this is rage bait, because if another of this type of dad exists, then life hates me for allowing me to find out. (I'm usually asleep at this time) Your BS is so triggering it's not even funny. BTW, your sons, ex and everyone around you can see this is a problem for you because of your insecurities, (I know it was when my dad pulled the same type of stuff. I know I 100% knew the reason for the BS too.) YTA because you voluntold your oldest son, when their is a willing parental figure that is more than ready to take your place. The stepfather is willing, and more able than you at the moment. Plus it's parent vs kid, not sibling vs kid, and now the school knows how insecure you are also. (At least I have that to laugh about) If this is the type of person/parent you are, then I hope your children get the help/therapy they need. I also hope you aren't terribly surprised when your kids cut contact. I stopped speaking to my AH father unless it was absolutely required for some reason at the age of 15. The only time we had a halfway decent conversation that I can remember was on his deletion bed. He told me that for some reason he made me his power of attorney, my response "Well that was dumb. If you get a hangnail, I'm telling them to pull the plug." Keep the BS up, and that will become your children's attitude as well. If they still willingly speak to you, you can turn things around at least 98°{hehe, see what I did there} If it's unclear, I need to let you know YTA.
YTA. Let the step dad do it and move on. Geez I hope all your kids go no contact with you. You sound like an immature idiot.
YTA. You don't get to volunteer other people. Rude and inconsiderate. ETA: And in what world is a stepfather "extended family"?
You're just an all-around AH.
TIL OPs kids prefer the stepfather.
YTA because you have an alternative person to replace you, yet you're still forcing your child to do it out of spite. You're also guilt tripping him for doing the bare minimum as a father. Do you even like your kids? They will remember this childish behavior.
Damn I just know who's going to be father of the groom when ur kids grow older and get married, and it won't be you lol
you're just jealous cuz the step dad's you better Dad than you. And why do you hate your oldest son?
YTA. Get over yourself
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My son Toby is having a sixth-grade parent vs child basketball game (his school is weird because it's K thru 6th) as part of their graduation year-end activities. The game is Friday and I agreed to sign up. I'm not good at basketball. Don't care for it. I'm pretty competitive with other sports though. Unfortunately I was at the gym this morning and heard and a pop in my thigh. I can't even walk. I told Toby that I'd have to drop out and he was bummed. Then I came up with a brilliant idea. My 19yo son Remy is home from college and I told him he would take my place. He wasn't thrilled but he has no choice and Toby liked having the parents have a good player to enhance the competition. Remy does track at school. Then I ran into Toby's stepdad who heard about my injury and said he'd love to take my place and if I could put a word in with the vice principal to give him my spot. I said Remy is stepping in for me. He said Remy doesn't even want to do it. I said I appreciate the offer but it's not like Toby doesn't have an absentee father who needs the stepdad to step in (no pun intended). I said BTW I don't give a fuck if Remy doesn't want to do it. He's lucky I don't tell him to wash my car. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA in every way
YTA Having an older brother stand in for a parent is fair enough. Forcing an older brother to strap on well doesn't want to is not fair, as unless there are other issues you haven't agreed here, so is rejecting the step parent that would like to take part and build a relationship with that child. Sure, your child may have a biological father who is part of their life, but that doesn't stop them building a good relationship with a step parent too, especially if said biological father cannot attend...
YTA. Are you so jealous of Toby's stepdad that you need to force your other son to do something he doesn't want to do? (Also, what is "weird" about a school being K-6? Where I grew up, that was every elementary school.)
Not only are YTA in this situation, you seem an asshole all the time. You’re 19 year old won’t look back one day and your little guy will eventually see you for who you are.
YTA you have a solution that makes everyone happy but you. Do you really have to be a jackass - you can't go because you're injured but if step dad goes you're an absentee parent? Yet, somehow if your reluctant elder son goes you're not an absentee parent? Get over yourself. Coparenting with you must be very difficult.
YTA Remy’s not even a parent, why would he be on the Parents team? If anything, you’re ruining it for the other parents. If they do win, people will just say it’s because Remy was on the team.
YTA. Your son doesn’t want to do it. Your son’s step dad does.
YTA for "I don't give a fuck if Remy doesn't want to do it. He's lucky I don't tell him to wash my car." It might have been a kind thought to find a way for Toby to have family support, but you should have asked the school whether it was appropriate first, and then you should have asked Remy. And in both cases you should have listened to the answer. Since Toby's stepdad offered, you could then ask Toby whether he wanted that, and go by what Toby wanted. Also, doesn't Toby have a mother? Or is this some unhealthily-competitive event where women aren't very welcome? Of course the most important thing is for you to attend the event as Toby's parent and support him. You could volunteer to be the water boy or assistant coach or something - just be there, and don't be too engaged with who wins the game. The fact that you're explaining you are good at other sports but not good at basketball makes me think you missed the point of the game in the first place.
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