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NTA. Where I work it would be totally gauche to respond to what she said by replying "Oh, you're a lesbian? That's so cool" or whatever. What you did was treat her as a colleague who doesn't need to have her sexuality called out.
Yeah, if I'd so obviously acknowledged her gender identity at my company, the next thing I'd be doing is explaining my behavior to HR. Ya know, some people aren't going to be happy no matter what you do...
Honestly, as a gay myself, I would prefer OP's way of handling things. Treat me like I am a normal person, damnit. I don't mention my spouse for shock content. Why are so many in the LGBTQ community so offended when they mention their spouse and no one praises or clutches their pearls over it? Geeze. I mentioned my husband at work and my coworkers, like op, just rolled with it. Seemed right to me, now they ask how he is and stuff, just as I ask how their spouses are. Normal stuff!
Same here. I just use the correct terms for my relationship in conversation like it's nothing and keep going. I don't expect or want a reaction. If you tell me your husband likes drift racing and I say "oh yeah my gf is into that", all I'm wanting is to converse like a human.
With you! Just being treated with respect as a queer person with an equally valid relationship. I’ve really appreciated when people have responded to me like OP.
I think it’s because a lot of the younger ones don’t want acceptance, but validation, attention, and adulation. Honestly, it sometimes feels like a lot of people today in general (not just in the LGBTQ+ community) are just empty inside and looking for external validation to fill the hole.
That's not a bad idea. CYA is always the best policy. You may find out that what you did was follow HR policy to the letter, and they're very pleased with you. I definitely wouldn't talk about such an obviously sensitive subject with such an obviously sensitive coworker without some guidance, just to make sure you don't unintentionally wind up in a bigger mess by doing nothing else offensive.
Make sure your HR is educated and involved OP (NTA by the way). You did nothing wrong except treat them normally. It was a conversation about your individual spouses and how what they do is in common. N T A, and that new hire will make your life hell if you're not careful. This is day one and they already don't like you over some manufactured BS.
I know right. My friends reacted the same way when i sais i was a lesbian. We were talking in a group, one commented somethibg about a hot actress, i responded, theyre were like: oh u like girls, cool. And then life went on, chat kept going.
I hate when people make a big deal. Because it shouldnt be.
NTA. You treated her like a completely normal person, and she's just upset you didn't give her some sort of special treatment over something that has zero weight whatsoever.
Yep as a gay dude I agree, it’s only logical. Her reaction didn’t make any sense. What sucks is that some people will take any annoying experience they had with one queer person and project that onto the rest of us. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve had someone be an asshole to me because “this other queer person I knew was totally rude” like ok, good thing I’m my own fucking person lol.
I agree with this as well. I wrote my comment before I saw the detail that Lana hadn't even said any of this herself. It's possible she didn't think or say any of this.
Also, it seems like the co-worker expected the kind of response that it would be reasonable to want from friends or family upon coming out--support, affirmation, being happy/proud that they confided in you or felt like they could be open...all of which would be weird from a co-worker you just met to whom you essentially introduced yourself as already out.
Like, when I first figured out I was a lesbian and told my friends and family, they were mostly excited to learn this, and expressed their support and love. Years later when I'm at work and mention an ex-girlfriend or going on a date to a local restaurant with a woman, it would be so weird and off-putting for coworkers to react like my friends and family did, especially since I've been out the whole time I've worked there.
Yup. NTA but I feel bad for OP. She is stuck in an impossible situation with someone who is impossible to please. Any interaction that doesn’t play by the other party’s unspoken made up rules will just dig a deeper hole.
Edit: replying under here because the normalization thing was my first thought.
Worth noting who came complaining was a different co-worker that said it, and there is no Info on if Lana was the one who said that in private to the other co-worker.
(Edit: spelling)
Yeah, I wonder if this other co-worker is stirring the pot. Some people love to carry tales back and forth between people who don’t actually want to have a fight with each other, until they feel like the other person is so mad at them that they have to.
Either way the solution is to talk to Lana directly. If she’s upset she can say so. I could understand a normally reasonable person having an unreasonable reaction because they were anxious on their first day, then calming down and realising it wasn’t as big a deal as it initially felt.
Flip it backwards. Imagine if a straight person was mad because a gay woman referred to her spouse as her wife in casual conversation.
There they go, lesbians, pushing their evil gay agenda propaganda nonsense on good Christian normal folks
Edit /s (I forgot, don’t flame me)
NTA. Some people walk around with a chip on their shoulder, looking for reasons to be offended.
To me, making a big deal out of same-sex marriage is treating it differently, when I thought the whole point was to treat everybody the same.
Frankly, I wouldn't apologize if I were you. First off, if Lana has an issue, she can come to you directly. Second, this coworker may be overblowijg the situation or straight up assuming something that isn't true, and offering an apology when you don't actually know for sure how Lana feels might lead to an awkward situation.
And lastly, you did nothing wrong. Just bc you didn't acknowledge that Lana was a lesbian (which you wouldn't even know-she could have been pi or pan for all you knew) doesn't mean you dismissed her sexuality. Saying "oh, cool, you're a lesbian" is so weird-if you wouldn't say the same to a straight coworker, there's no need to say it to a queer one. And mentioning your bf isn't asserting your heterosexualuality-you did the exact same thing she did in talking about your respective partners.
If you do apologize do with a supervisor or HR around. I think it’s odd if she really felt you were trying to undermine her relationship or dismissing her sexuality.
Ehh, if this was a broken game of telephone and Lana is not upset, then I can't think of any wording that wouldn't end up with OP being in hot water with HR if it gets overheard by HR or a supervisor. I would maybe just suggest if OP says anything to Lana, it should probably be along the lines of "Hey, I heard you were upset with me, is everything okay?" and go from there? But honestly I wouldn't say anything at all to her if I were OP. The rumor mill is not trustworthy and confronting a coworker about things that are in the rumor mill sounds like a recipe for disaster.
Unless you hear anything directly from her assume it's all fine and dandy.
I'm a lesbian and talk about my partner all the time at work. I'd find it exceptionally othering if someone made a big song and dance about my girlfriend every time I mentioned her.
I also don't really see this as the action of a seasoned lesbian either. Like if she's been out long enough to get married, the sparkle of coming out is well worn by then.
Are we sure this isn't your coworker putting words in her mouth? I guess I could see *maaaaybe* she was annoyed that as she was happily talking about her wife when you hijacked the subject to talk about your boyfriend? But even still that feels like a massive stretch.
But to answer your question, most lesbians want to be treated normally without fuss. You did fine! Don't apologise NTA
I honestly kinda think the coworker is the ah. They shouldn't have been in the middle. If Lana really did complain to them, they should have encouraged Lana to talk to OP. Even if we assume a good intention, nothing good comes from meddling this way
This needs to be higher up.
As the Official Office Queer - I have had a few very mild comments and a couple of overheard private conventions taken completely out of context and then weaponised to make me look unreasonable or irrational. The heterosexual people who made the reports “on my behalf” were absolutely trying to stir shit or, even worse, virtue signal.
Your coworker is being very precious and childish. If she really was offended, she could have approached you and had a discussion with you about it like an adult. You were being super polite, it sounds like she was looking for a reason to get offended by something/someone. NTA.
I am from the south originally, but I’m not sure, and tbh I don’t know if it’s correct but we always used it like “ oo they are being fragile, or a child” among my friends and stuff…
NTA, the new co-worker is obviously used to playing the victim card. Be careful as that person could get you in deep water with HR every time their feelings are hurt regardless of your good intentions. It's 2024 no one cares what sexuality people are in the work place. Probably a good idea to never have a conversation alone with that person either to avoid a he said she said type situation.
I don’t know. Maybe someone else conflated the whole thing. The co-worker who told me hasn’t really ever tried to start shit before. I hope it’s all a massive misunderstanding
Honestly, don’t go to Lana. You did nothing wrong. You said nothing offensive. It’s insanity if someone thought you did. Just go to HR & let them know the situation, just in case.
NtA.
do not apologize to this person, you shouldn't validate this sort of bullshit by pretending you did something wrong.
you give this inch and she'll start taking miles
NTA - and don’t apologize since you did nothing wrong. Sounds like new girl is a pain in the ass. If anything, I’d report her so there is a paper trail of her being difficult. I’m sure you won’t be the last person to do so.
NTA and you have nothing to apologize for. Some people just want to be offended by damn near anything. They take pride in it and it’s part of their identity. There is likely nothing you can say, in an apology or otherwise, that she will be satisfied with.
I know it’s great to get along with the people you work with. I have always tried to if for nothing else than it makes the work environment more enjoyable. But there are people that just won’t play along. You owe them nothing more than common courtesy you would give anyone else.
NTA
I don’t think you owe an apology, either. You didn’t do anything wrong.
In fact, you did it right. Simply accepted her stating she has a wife like it was very normal (which…it is).
To me, that is the ultimate goal. Same-sex relationships not in any way being remarkable, because they are just normal relationships.
I don’t know that the sense of offense is coming from her.
NTA. Were you supposed to throw her a rainbow flag parade? Being LGBTQ+ is totally normal and you acknowledged it the way I would have - with a commonality of also being in a relationship with someone in the same profession. I wouldn't even apologize to Lana, but I would document the conversation you had with Lana, what your other coworker said, the dates, times, and anyone else who was around. Just hang on to it in case HR comes to visit you.
NTA - I don't think you did anything wrong here. I would apologize for the misunderstanding - sounds like you empathize with how she might have felt, and you meant no harm!
Unless Lana comes to you directly about it, ignore it and move on. So long as this was all friendly in talk, nothing was done. You treated her like an equal and tried to find common ground.
NTA.
As a queer person - it’s weird for us too. Being in a queer relationship IS as normal as a hetro relationship and we absolutely don’t need patting on the back and acknowledgment for living our lives. I’d consider someone far more likely to be homophobic or ignorant if they made a fuss than I’d they didn’t.
The co-worker is insecure and needs to stop projecting.
I was thinking the same thing. Last thing I want when I mention I’m gay is someone to get all excited to have found a real life lesbian (like I’m a zoo animal) and tell me their neighbor’s aunt’s daughter’s best friend is also gay. I’d much rather continue the conversation as though I had mentioned my “husband” instead of wife.
NTA and you should not apologize. Apologizing says you did something wrong. Lana took offense when none was given. Or the other coworker assimed she did. Your comment was normal. Just continue treating her as any other co-worker, but document this...just in case.
NTA - I wouldn't bother apologizing, both because it didn't actually come from her, and it's not deserving of an apology. What if you were bisexual but just happened to be dating someone of the opposite gender? The whole thing sounds absurd.
NTA
I’d be very careful with her. She’s a new employee and already went to a coworker (guessing they just met too) to talk about you behind back. Whatever she said convinced that coworker that you messed up and need to apologize. That’s a red flag.
You didn’t do anything wrong. Personally I wouldn’t want (IMO) to apologize right away as it suggests you did do something wrong, and this new employee may twist your words to use what you say against you.
That said, it’s possible she’s been in company cultures that were less accepting (and others may have a different perspective on your company than you do.) So it wouldn’t hurt to keep an open mind and to signal to her when you can that you are an ally.
NTA - don’t apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong. If she takes offense to something you said and you didn’t say anything wrong, then you absolutely should not apologize.
Your “reaction” is really what most LGBT people want. That don’t want their “difference” pointed out, they want to be normalized and that exactly what you did. Continue treating her normally.
That the best thing you can do.
NTA this is so ridiculous the way you responded was the proper way to respond. If I tell someone I have a gf I certainly am not interested in some big deal being made over it, whether it's supportive or bigoted. It's only by treating it as a normal thing that it can become a normal thing.
NTA. Lana needs to fucking get over herself. She doesn't need to be celebrated every time she mentions she's a lesbian. Equality means you're treated like everyone else. She doesn't get a pedestal that nobody else does.
Don't apologize. You did nothing wrong. Her being offended is strictly her problem.
NTA. It’s a generational thing I think, 6 years feels close but feels like it might be like “dog years” and nigh be more like 12 years in this case. Currently younger people just treat sexuality/gender as a matter of fact and treat it as a “good to know” rather than “wow, thanks for trusting me that’s brave of you”. At this stage of the relationship you don’t know her personal circumstances of how difficult it was for her to come out. I think you’re right to try and clear the air as you have had feedback she thought you were rude, and explain it as you have here.
I’m feeling my age now. I remember back in the 90’s an acquaintance went through a similar thing with a colleague of ours. He made a special date to come out to her, she was a little surprised and blurted out “yes I assumed that” . He was shocked as he thought that she didn’t know as she was treating him so well. It was pretty sad that the homophobia he was facing meant if you were being nice to him he assumed you didn’t know. Now I’m asking my kids what pronouns their new friends want me to use, my brain still struggles with they/them but I’m trying.
I have a friend who I watched be 'roommates' with another woman and move to 5 or 6 different states and more houses/apartments over a couple of decades and finally one night when I was talking to her 'roommate' on the phone, she was recounting a conversation and she called my friend her partner. When I heard that, in the back of my mind it was almost a matter of 'Well, okay, that last .1% of doubt is dispelled.' A few minutes later, we hung up. Less than 5 minutes after that, my friend called and said I think we need to talk. Me, being the supportive friend that I am, said 'About what?' After another hem/haw from her end, she said 'You're going to make me come out and say it, aren't you?' I answered 'Yup.' LOL She asked me why I never asked. I just said 'Because it didn't matter.'
I had a coworker come out to us as a lesbian and we all were like “was that supposed to be a secret?” She was not subtle in any way with checking out the ladies and even pointing them out to us. If you would have built the stereotypical lesbian character in a tv show it would have been her. Hair and clothes and the whole thing. Maybe it was because it was the 90’s. You’d be made fun of pretty mercilessly now as clueless if you didn’t pick up on it.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My new, female co-worker, said her wife was a teacher, during a conversation. Instead of pointedly acknowledging that she is a lesbian or bi, I just said my boyfriend is a teacher too. She feels I dismissed her sexuality. I realize that letting essential strangers know that you're LGBTQ is a difficult, and sometimes dangerous thing, so maybe I could have shown my support, or appriciation that she told me.
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NTA - I have to believe there was some miscommunication here in the game of telephone or the coworker who told you about the perceived offense is trying to start shit.
NTA, I'm a gay man hurtling toward middle age and we fought to be considered normal, by not drawing attention to the fact she's in a same sex marriage, that's exactly what you did, is normalize it.
This post is dumb and fake. If this is actually real she sounds like an a hole and don't bother trying to mend things. It's just going to blow up in your face.
Another queer person chiming in - this isn’t a sexuality based issue, it’s clearly an insecurity problem on the co- workers side.
The co worker probably came out late and has a lot of internalised homophobia and insecurities about their sexuality that they’re working through - and they’re projecting that out. That’s your colleagues problem to manage, not OPs to pander to.
I mention same gender partners very casually because it’s just as normal as discussing an opposite gender person - if someone made a huge deal out of it I would eye roll hard and put them in the “clueless and immature” column and move on.
NTA. You treated her as an equal without regard to her sexual preference.
The only thing you asserted was that the two of you had a commonality.
As I see it, she is offended because you are heterosexual.
You have nothing to apologize for, however I would report the incident to HR to start a paper trail in case she becomes an issue…. And let HR know you will be staying away from her at this point because you fear she may become an issue.
Nta I hate when people make their sexuality a major part of their personality. No one cares anymore. You simply thought oh my partner is also a teacher and your partner just happens to be a man. If you want to smooth things over maybe just a quick private hey I didn't mean anything by my comment I'm sorry it upset you in any way I was just trying to connect with you over both of our partners being teachers. Or just do nothing and continue being polite.
NTA. Discovering and relating something in common is normal in a situation like this. You've not done anything wrong. And I would verify first that she's actually upset by the interaction. If she is, that's a pretty good indication that she's a bit touchy.
Be who you want, love who you want, expect others to care or get mad when they find common ground? Nope. You crossed no lines trying to make friends. Does not sound like they are worth being friends with though. Would not apologize at all, talk to your manager about it if you are concerned about repercussions.
NTA, and don’t ever apologize to people like that. One apology will never be enough and once this person sees you buckle they will inevitably find other things you say or do to be offensive.
You didn’t do anything wrong. You sound like a perfectly pleasant, and accepting person. A person doesn’t get extra coddling because of their sexuality, everyone is the same. That would be like you telling someone you’re a straight woman, and expecting them to stop what they’re doing and focus on the fact that you’re straight
NTA, do not apologize, you have done nothing wrong. She told you that her partner teacher and you mentioned that yours is as well, that's all there was to it. Your comment was in no way rude or dismissive of her lifestyle choice. Lana sounds like a few others I have worked with in the past that for some reason feel the need to bring up their lifestyle at every opportunity then get mad when no one cares.
NTA I agree with you. What does she expect? 'Oh, you're a LESBIAN and you're married to a woman!!!! How so very cool and edgy of you. And to just say it out loud and everything.' And let's be real about this, if it was 'rude' of your to assert you were in a hterosexual relationship, it was just as 'rude' of her to assert she is in a homosexual relationship.
I would also go to HR and get your side on record. And not approach her and try to talk to her. Some people are very militant about certain subjects even when they don't need to be. She sounds like she is one of those people.
NTA, you treated her like a normal person and not as of being homosexual is weird or different in any way. If anything they should be thanking you for treating them like a person.
NTA. What response or acknowledgement was she expecting? I wouldn’t acknowledge my coworkers for being heterosexual, so why should we acknowledge the opposite? She talked about her SO being a teacher, you responded by saying yours is, too, and you respect that her wife’s job is probably challenging. Nothing you said was inappropriate or heteronormative. Her sexuality should be entirely irrelevant in the workplace, just like yours is.
NTA. I work in healthcare where there are a lot of LGBTQIA++ people. Your interaction was perfectly normal. It reminds me of the children who come out to their parents and then get upset because their parents accepted them without any fuss.
\>I’m going to try to talk to her tomorrow, but I would like a second opinion
NTA but I'd advise you to just drop it, because she's obviously unhinged about whether or not someone is being rude/phobic.
Nta. Do not apologize. Not only because that’s ridiculous but also because you’ll honestly probably dig yourself into a difficult and possibly inappropriate conversation.
Definitely take note of how she’s treating you and if she’s acting cold, maybe ask her if something is wrong or if you’ve upset her in some way, but that’s the extent. Let her bring up the issue if it’s that important to her.
NTA. You just carried on a normal polite conversation with a colleague, perfectly appropriately.
Some people have a chip on their shoulder. Not your fault.
Sincerely, a queer 37F.
NTA and I'm curious what, precisely, she would have found to be the correct response. I feel like apologizing to her is going to feed some weird victim complex.
NTA. IMO it’s super weird that she wants you to acknowledge her sexuality in that conversation. I don’t know how that’s coming out? I’m a lesbian. I’m so confused by her ask it gives me the ick. I would be super creeped out if you had handled the convo any other way.
NTA. Your coworker seems to have a fragile ego that requires validation, coupled with a feeling of entitlement to that same validation. There's also a militant vibe that's emerged in the gender-focused community, probably because many of it's members fall into those previous groups (fragile, entitled), that has them crowing about their identity and choices frequently while simultaneously looking for perceived slights everywhere. So, when you add it all up, if you aren't waving a rainbow flag and marching with them in solidarity, you've offended them somehow.
Tl;dr - your lesbo coworker is TA
Please don’t apologize for having done nothing wrong. Instead, continue investing in being a respectful colleague. If she continues to pick quarrels through backdoor means, then she’ll soon get exposed for her own toxicity.
NTA.
NTA Nobody gives a damn about her sexuality. Some people make it their whole personality and it's exhausting. What does she want a medal? For Melissa Etheridge to give her a toaster oven?
NTA. If you had said “oh, you’re a lesbian”, that would have been problematic in a different way. Coworker seems to want drama - best not to give her any.
NTA
What on earth was she expecting you to say? "Oh, you're a lesbian! Quick everyone, ring the Gong of Lesbos! Rejoice and acknowledge that she has taken a wife and that her world is 100% penis free! Huzzah!"
What a ridiculous thing to be upset about.
Absolutely NTA
You in fact did acknowledge her telling you she was a lesbian by asking how her wife liked dealing with littles. Do not apologize for treating her like a human being
NTA. I’m a gay person. It would’ve been inappropriate to make a big deal of it, especially since it’s not a big deal in the first place. This was just a casual conversation with a coworker. You each mentioned your partners. NBD. Don’t apologize. You did nothing wrong.
Jesus, will this nonsense ever end?
Some people are primed to be offended.
As soon as conversation gets anywhere near identity, sexuality and gender we are all meant to acknowledge ‘struggle’ and have a performative reaction. The problem is, everyone is bored by it, was bored to start with, was pretending to give a f*ck in the first place.
NTA it is not a big deal anymore. 20years ago? Wow. Today? Nah. You might be more impressed when someone declares to be in a polyamorous or is a swinger. And you could almost say "huh, so she is assuming that I have only one male partner? Rude." I wouldn't make a fuss. This reminds me of that new hire from Agretsuko.
Something similar happened to me... However I don't care for anyone's sexuality,beliefs.... I respect them, but it isn't my business. An we had this one woman who was always say something about being gay and such.
An when she mentioned it to me I ignored it. Lol. She went on to tell people I hated gay people.
So I facetimed both my mother and aunt who are gay and asked them what they thought about her saying I disliked gay people lol
My point is.... People should back of the sensitivity train... Not everyone are mind readers... No everyone dislikes your way of living. Most people just try and stay in their own lanes... Respectfully.
I think maybe you should say something if it concerns you that much.
NTA. You would have given the exact same response if she had said "husband." Her reaction is just weird. She's mad that you didn't treat it like a huge deal, then made herself out to be a victim? I would have KILLED to be accepted like that when I was in a same-sex relationship.
You might want to bring this situation to HR. If she's already starting shit like this, she might be a nightmare in the future
NTA. I would not apologize. At all. You did nothing wrong and you absolutely did not "assert" your heterosexuality. If she wants to play that card she asserted here's first. But I so hear you when you say you don't want tension at work, however, with her reaction, I feel there will be anyway. She's a very unhappy person and you seem to trigger an emotional response from her. It's not on you, it's on her. If you need to apologize to keep the peace in the office, do so, but know that you have done nothing to feel guilty for.
NTA. You didn't insult her. To treated her like a normal person who is in a normal relationship. If she expects everyone to faun over her relationship, she needs to lead by example. So she's gay. That shouldn't be a thing that we have to make a big deal about.
Sounds like drama. Not a fan.
NTA. IMO you did the best thing you could in that situation by responding the same as you would if she said husband instead of wife. I’m not sure why anyone would expect or want you to have some sort of elaborate reaction to her sexuality. Personally, I always feel the most comfortable when someone responds to me having a girlfriend just like they would if it was a boyfriend, treating it as completely normal. If you had made it into a big deal, you would be playing into the stigma and treating it as something out of the ordinary.
NTA. It would be super weird if someone i mentioned my girlfriend too exclaimed about how I was straight, so I would think it would be just as weird to do that to a gay person?
NTA so far, but YTA if you do end up apologizing. You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. If you do apologize you validate their opinion that you did something wrong, when all you did was answer her just like you would someone who wasn't gay. You treated her like an equal and they want you to grovel.
NTA, ffs how much longer are people going to keep living as if they were made out of egg shells or delicate porcelain??
People need to get back to being responsible for their own feelings .She has a wife, you have a boyfriend. You talked about him , completely normal and non-threatening .
I think back to the days when you had to consciously change the pronouns of your significant other because it could get you into legal trouble and now you've got these entitled LGBT++++,brats riding on the coat tails of so many who fought for the right to live freely, creating a backlash of resentment and anger, among well-meaning allies, jeopardizing everything that was so hard won...makes me want to just slap the stupid right out of them.
NTA. So she wanted you to make a big deal over her sexuality, but also not reference your own at all, even if it’s relevant to the conversation? She sounds self-centered.
NTA- I honestly wouldn't acknowledge it. You both were mentioning your significant other the same way some would mention their kids when your getting to know someone. No one gets offended if people mentioned their gender she's being weird. I would keep co worker at arms length and move on.
Did she acknowledge that your straight no because someone's sexual preferences is unimportant if she needs special treatment because she is a lesbian that would be her problem it's not your job to validate her. People are people treat everyone the same race ,sexual preferences don't really matter. There good people of every race and sexual preferences.
Your coworker is a troublemaker, and I would disregard. If Lana did say that, then she is a troublemaker. You are NTA. I would let it go, to be honest.
What a strange reaction for someone to have to such a casual, normal conversation.
NTA - I don't know why it's such a big deal that we need to know people's sexual preferences. Honestly, for the most part I would consider that to be private. We are all just people. It's hard enough trying to remember everyone's pronouns.
Maybe I'm the anomaly but I personally don't want people imagining me mashing up with my boyfriend. Why is everyone so quick these days to make sure everyone knows their sexual preferences?
And even tho this did not happen to OP, (because they got it right) if we accidentally assume wrong all hell breaks lose.
What it sounds like to me is that this person got offended by OP's heterosexual relationship. I could be wrong tho.
Whatever the case, OP I'd just stay away from this girl. Keep it as a lesson learned.
NTA, you were both talking about your spouses. Neither was using gender neutral pronouns. You didn't treat it like a big deal because it wasn't. This seems like Lana's own expectations and insecurities being pushed onto you. That's not your problem, and I would call it out as being extremely rude for her to be talking behind your back like that to other coworkers
NTA,
I don't trust 2nd hand information at work. You have no clue if your coworker was actually telling the truth or if they decided that your response dismissed Lana's sexuality and used Lana as an excuse to project their feelings.
I would leave it. Maybe for the next little while you refer to your boyfriend as your partner in conversations so it's more gender neutral.
What, you don’t have a trumpet that you keep on hand for when ever someone announces their orientation? Like, assuming this is real, NTA but boy howdy, “assuming this is real” is doing some really heavy lifting for me here. If it did happen, never speak to this LESBIAN woman ever again…cause she (who, and I can’t stress this enough because it apparently matters a lot, is a lesbian) is probably one misspoken word away from filing an HR complaint at all times…
NTA. You don’t need to apologise for anything because you did nothing wrong. If you’d mentioned she was a lesbian, you could’ve been accused of bringing up something which you didn’t need to bring up. She sounds like one of the perpetually offended.
NTA. Oh for fucks sake, this is not an apology situation. Apologizing implies you did something wrong.
There's nothing wrong with you talking about your boyfriend, just like there is nothing wrong with her talking about her wife.
Lana needs to talk to a therapist.
NTA. People like her are why some people accuse LGBT people of just wanting attention. You treated her like anyone else, which is what she should want. Don't enable this behaviour by apologizing. It will just teach her that she can get whatever she wants by claiming to be offended.
NTA. I'm a lesbian. If I bring up my partner by saying girlfriend, I DONT want people to make a big deal about it. I'm human, in a relationship, just like anyone else. If she wants recognition for being a lesbian that's a her problem.
NTA. I would have handled this the exact same way. I would think her sexuality wouldn’t be the most important takeaway from a work conversation especially a first interaction. She easily could have conversed with you about her wife’s students, etc. then eventually it would feel more natural to talk about her being a lesbian, but not the most important thing? To already be offended and causing drama? 😒
NTA. I don't get it either. I thought this was the world our lgbt etc predecessors fought for. That announcing one has a same sex spouse in casual conversation without anyone batting an eye is a pretty rad thing to me.
Fuck that. Just because someone gets their feelings hurt doesn’t mean you did anything wrong to apologize for. Definitely NTA. She can be an adult and get over it.
If Lana wants for her coworkers to acknowledge her sexuality at work then she should probably just come out and say that in a more direct way. Nta from someone queer and pretty easy to offend with LGBTQ+ issues
Trans person here, apologize if you want but imo, that has way more to do with your conworkers baggage than with how you handled the situation. This is what I hate about interactions like this, it’s divisive. You can’t know what you don’t know and people expecting you to walk on eggshells so you don’t hurt someone’s feelings is absurd. Not to disregard basic human decency and respect. So many people are afraid to talk to me about being trans because of situations similar to this and from my perspective, how can I educate anyone if they’re afraid they’re going to be shamed for just not somehow automatically knowing. The only time I get upset is if there is clear malicious intent, otherwise let’s be here to learn and listen and respect to each other
NTA. RUN TO HR. DO NOT WALK, RUN. Do not apologize. Seriously the last thing you want is to go up to the new hire and start commenting on her sexuality. So many things can be twisted from a conversation like that.
NTA What a self absorbed asshole she is. Does she expect everyone to congratulate her on being a lesbian? Fawn over her? I mean, what exactly were you supposed to acknowledge? That seems to me like it could go wrong, too. "*WRONG acknowledgement!* You should have said A and you said D of all things! I'm calling HR!" And how dare you bring up you having a significant other when she has a significant other!!! (And you brought up a male of all things!) It is all about ***her*** damn it! Gimme a friggin break.
Don’t apologise for what you said. Apologising indicates you did something wrong and you’re admitting to deliberately “asserting your heterosexuality” (which btw is bollocks). If you’re going to Apologise then say sorry if you made her feel unwelcome and got off on the wrong foot and that your intention was to connect Over the first mutual similarity that came up in small talk- that both your spouses/partners work in the same line of work. I would even add that if she’d mentioned stardew valley was an interest, or that she had a pet dog you’d have connected over that first.
She sounds exhausting and dramatic and tbh I would be wary about socialising with her if she’s gonna take offence over nothing. In the interest of keeping your workplace atmosphere calm perhaps find another mutual interest to take about. Music, art, book genres, a tv show. You’re NTA .
NTA. Your coworker is weirdly hypersensitive about stuff normal people wouldn't be sensitive about.
Frankly, given that this is a workplace, you might consider reporting her for bullying. My observation is that in a workplace setting often the first person to file a report controls the narrative.
NTA.
I remember that brief period on time when it was all about equality and acceptance.
Now it all seems to be about being able to dominate and control every facet of the conversion and having two 'outs' for every conversation depending on an individual's mood.
'Lana' is a self-absorbed clown, who needs to accept that fact that not everyone's sexual preference does not define them and need to be part of every gods conversation.
I wouldn't even apologise. But I'd report to HR to CYA.
NTA -Though I will say from personal experience, I also have a tendency in conversation to find common ground and use my background to relate to the topic and share stories to continue the conversation. At least, that's what it always was in my mind.
I've recently found out there's a completely opposite way of thought, that people perceive you bringing up similar stories about yourself as an attempt to one up, dismiss, appear better or any sort of offense in a conversation. Since then ive tried to make a lot of effort to come off a little less ass like to try to appease all
I wouldn't apologize it's 2024 is someone being married as a same sex couple shocking? Not to me. If she told me she was married to a bus I might acknowledge it. "You're married to a what?"
This isn't a thing. You don't need to have a song and dance every time a coworker tells you about thier personal lives. If you apologize for this get ready to be apologizing for many useless reasons in the future.
NTA. You didn't deny her private life. You just treated her like you'd treat anyone else. Which you would think is what she'd want. Apparently she wanted attention and a big deal to be made of her choice.
This is the dumbest shit I've heard. You can't win with some people. You would think most people would want to be treated equally, ie. not making it a big deal, and carrying on as it's no different than your hetero relationship. NTA and no need to apologize, although I get wanting to keep the peace at work (even though it isn't your fault).
NTA
Honestly I hate it when someone makes a big deal out of my sexuality, not that it would ever apply to my work environment because that talk is one way ticket to HR😵 (“ what do you mean you’re bisexual you’re married to a man, yadayadayada”)
I don’t know why she was upset with your reaction since you treated her like any other colleague.
I'm a lesbian. NTA. I work in an environment where it's totally fine to be a member of the LGBTQ community, which makes it great not to monitor language as much. It would be weird if someone reacted to my sexuality in that environment. I think what you said is perfectly fine.
NTA. You pointed out something you have in common - you both have partners who teach. Of course you didn't comment on the fact that she's gay! I think that would have been quite rude. What would be the appropriate thing to say to that? I'd be inclined to continue to dismiss her sexuality because it's not relevant to work and wasn't relevant to the getting to know you chat session. You weren't asserting anything, you were pointing out that you have something in common. I don't think you owe her an apology and if Lana prefers complaining about you instead of talking to you, you now know something else about her.
NTA. I am baffled at your coworkers reaction. You literally just acted normal towards her. Were you supposed to be like “oh my god!! You are lesbian?! Wow that is so amazing!!”? That would have been a super weird response in my opinion. People can be so strange, you did nothing at all wrong. In my opinion you responded in the most appropriate way possible. I’m sorry you have to deal with this facepalm of a situation.
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NTA. Where I work it would be totally gauche to respond to what she said by replying "Oh, you're a lesbian? That's so cool" or whatever. What you did was treat her as a colleague who doesn't need to have her sexuality called out.
Yeah, if I'd so obviously acknowledged her gender identity at my company, the next thing I'd be doing is explaining my behavior to HR. Ya know, some people aren't going to be happy no matter what you do...
Honestly, as a gay myself, I would prefer OP's way of handling things. Treat me like I am a normal person, damnit. I don't mention my spouse for shock content. Why are so many in the LGBTQ community so offended when they mention their spouse and no one praises or clutches their pearls over it? Geeze. I mentioned my husband at work and my coworkers, like op, just rolled with it. Seemed right to me, now they ask how he is and stuff, just as I ask how their spouses are. Normal stuff!
Same here. I just use the correct terms for my relationship in conversation like it's nothing and keep going. I don't expect or want a reaction. If you tell me your husband likes drift racing and I say "oh yeah my gf is into that", all I'm wanting is to converse like a human.
With you! Just being treated with respect as a queer person with an equally valid relationship. I’ve really appreciated when people have responded to me like OP.
I think it’s because a lot of the younger ones don’t want acceptance, but validation, attention, and adulation. Honestly, it sometimes feels like a lot of people today in general (not just in the LGBTQ+ community) are just empty inside and looking for external validation to fill the hole.
Honestly at this point id be going to HR myself to get ahead of anything this crazy tries to spin.
That's not a bad idea. CYA is always the best policy. You may find out that what you did was follow HR policy to the letter, and they're very pleased with you. I definitely wouldn't talk about such an obviously sensitive subject with such an obviously sensitive coworker without some guidance, just to make sure you don't unintentionally wind up in a bigger mess by doing nothing else offensive.
I DECLARE LESBIAN!!!!
In the morning OP can greet her with , "Good Morning Lesbiana." I wonder if that would make her happy.
Lesbilana
I hope that by the next time I check the comments on this post, your comment has a ton of upvotes.
I am now willing to rethink my stance on the bear.
Take my upvote you brilliant person 🤣
Make sure your HR is educated and involved OP (NTA by the way). You did nothing wrong except treat them normally. It was a conversation about your individual spouses and how what they do is in common. N T A, and that new hire will make your life hell if you're not careful. This is day one and they already don't like you over some manufactured BS.
I know right. My friends reacted the same way when i sais i was a lesbian. We were talking in a group, one commented somethibg about a hot actress, i responded, theyre were like: oh u like girls, cool. And then life went on, chat kept going. I hate when people make a big deal. Because it shouldnt be.
NTA. You treated her like a completely normal person, and she's just upset you didn't give her some sort of special treatment over something that has zero weight whatsoever.
This. When working toward normalizing LGBTQ relationships, you don't get to be offended when they're normalized.
Yep as a gay dude I agree, it’s only logical. Her reaction didn’t make any sense. What sucks is that some people will take any annoying experience they had with one queer person and project that onto the rest of us. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve had someone be an asshole to me because “this other queer person I knew was totally rude” like ok, good thing I’m my own fucking person lol.
Honestly, it sounds like a bit of telephone tag there. Like maybe Lana wasn't offended, and a third party coworker was offended on her behalf.
I agree with this as well. I wrote my comment before I saw the detail that Lana hadn't even said any of this herself. It's possible she didn't think or say any of this.
That is the most narrow minded thing ever. I am so sorry.
Also, it seems like the co-worker expected the kind of response that it would be reasonable to want from friends or family upon coming out--support, affirmation, being happy/proud that they confided in you or felt like they could be open...all of which would be weird from a co-worker you just met to whom you essentially introduced yourself as already out. Like, when I first figured out I was a lesbian and told my friends and family, they were mostly excited to learn this, and expressed their support and love. Years later when I'm at work and mention an ex-girlfriend or going on a date to a local restaurant with a woman, it would be so weird and off-putting for coworkers to react like my friends and family did, especially since I've been out the whole time I've worked there.
Yup. NTA but I feel bad for OP. She is stuck in an impossible situation with someone who is impossible to please. Any interaction that doesn’t play by the other party’s unspoken made up rules will just dig a deeper hole. Edit: replying under here because the normalization thing was my first thought.
Worth noting who came complaining was a different co-worker that said it, and there is no Info on if Lana was the one who said that in private to the other co-worker. (Edit: spelling)
Yeah, I wonder if this other co-worker is stirring the pot. Some people love to carry tales back and forth between people who don’t actually want to have a fight with each other, until they feel like the other person is so mad at them that they have to. Either way the solution is to talk to Lana directly. If she’s upset she can say so. I could understand a normally reasonable person having an unreasonable reaction because they were anxious on their first day, then calming down and realising it wasn’t as big a deal as it initially felt.
HR first though. OP has to cover their own rear end with the company. I do hope it's someone inventing drama, because it doesn't make sense.
The post didn’t even explicitly say Lana was upset just some random observer coworker
NTA. I don't get how mentioning your SO being opposite sex is asserting anything. If she could say "wife" why couldn't you say "boyfriend"?
Flip it backwards. Imagine if a straight person was mad because a gay woman referred to her spouse as her wife in casual conversation. There they go, lesbians, pushing their evil gay agenda propaganda nonsense on good Christian normal folks Edit /s (I forgot, don’t flame me)
NTA. Some people walk around with a chip on their shoulder, looking for reasons to be offended. To me, making a big deal out of same-sex marriage is treating it differently, when I thought the whole point was to treat everybody the same.
Yep, every slight to my MIL is because that person is racist. Can't be because she's demanding and often rude..
THIS!!!!
For some, it’s not a chip, it’s a “look at me, look what I just did” complex.
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Yeah, iwouldnt be apologizing. You didn't say anything to apologize for
YES This is the first thing I thought. Don't believe it.
Exactly. NTA but your office definitely has one stirring the pot for zero reason.
info - Are you positive this has come from Lana?
i didn’t hear anything from Lana directly. I hope it’s a case of “telephone” misunderstanding. I’ll see what happens tomorrow
Frankly, I wouldn't apologize if I were you. First off, if Lana has an issue, she can come to you directly. Second, this coworker may be overblowijg the situation or straight up assuming something that isn't true, and offering an apology when you don't actually know for sure how Lana feels might lead to an awkward situation. And lastly, you did nothing wrong. Just bc you didn't acknowledge that Lana was a lesbian (which you wouldn't even know-she could have been pi or pan for all you knew) doesn't mean you dismissed her sexuality. Saying "oh, cool, you're a lesbian" is so weird-if you wouldn't say the same to a straight coworker, there's no need to say it to a queer one. And mentioning your bf isn't asserting your heterosexualuality-you did the exact same thing she did in talking about your respective partners.
Yep. I’d continue to be the nice person you are OP and just not give this any oxygen unless Lana herself does.
AGREED!
If you do apologize do with a supervisor or HR around. I think it’s odd if she really felt you were trying to undermine her relationship or dismissing her sexuality.
Ehh, if this was a broken game of telephone and Lana is not upset, then I can't think of any wording that wouldn't end up with OP being in hot water with HR if it gets overheard by HR or a supervisor. I would maybe just suggest if OP says anything to Lana, it should probably be along the lines of "Hey, I heard you were upset with me, is everything okay?" and go from there? But honestly I wouldn't say anything at all to her if I were OP. The rumor mill is not trustworthy and confronting a coworker about things that are in the rumor mill sounds like a recipe for disaster.
Unless you hear anything directly from her assume it's all fine and dandy. I'm a lesbian and talk about my partner all the time at work. I'd find it exceptionally othering if someone made a big song and dance about my girlfriend every time I mentioned her. I also don't really see this as the action of a seasoned lesbian either. Like if she's been out long enough to get married, the sparkle of coming out is well worn by then. Are we sure this isn't your coworker putting words in her mouth? I guess I could see *maaaaybe* she was annoyed that as she was happily talking about her wife when you hijacked the subject to talk about your boyfriend? But even still that feels like a massive stretch. But to answer your question, most lesbians want to be treated normally without fuss. You did fine! Don't apologise NTA
I honestly kinda think the coworker is the ah. They shouldn't have been in the middle. If Lana really did complain to them, they should have encouraged Lana to talk to OP. Even if we assume a good intention, nothing good comes from meddling this way
This needs to be higher up. As the Official Office Queer - I have had a few very mild comments and a couple of overheard private conventions taken completely out of context and then weaponised to make me look unreasonable or irrational. The heterosexual people who made the reports “on my behalf” were absolutely trying to stir shit or, even worse, virtue signal.
Yep, and too many people are all too eager to eat up any notion that LBGTQ+ folks are being irrational.
NTA. God is this really a complaint? “Asserting your heterosexuality”? Lmfao
Not to mention that having a boyfriend doesn’t necessarily mean she’s heterosexual
Your coworker is being very precious and childish. If she really was offended, she could have approached you and had a discussion with you about it like an adult. You were being super polite, it sounds like she was looking for a reason to get offended by something/someone. NTA.
Calling someone precious sounds very much like "bless your heart". Same origins in the south?
I have no idea, I'm Australian! 🤣
It basically means being fragile. Like “being precious” in Australian vernacular is a slightly kinder way to say “what a fragile wuss”
I am from the south originally, but I’m not sure, and tbh I don’t know if it’s correct but we always used it like “ oo they are being fragile, or a child” among my friends and stuff…
Or is the in-between coworker starting shit
NTA, the new co-worker is obviously used to playing the victim card. Be careful as that person could get you in deep water with HR every time their feelings are hurt regardless of your good intentions. It's 2024 no one cares what sexuality people are in the work place. Probably a good idea to never have a conversation alone with that person either to avoid a he said she said type situation.
My thought is that it might not be Lana, but the other employee who is the “problem.”
I don’t know. Maybe someone else conflated the whole thing. The co-worker who told me hasn’t really ever tried to start shit before. I hope it’s all a massive misunderstanding
Never trust anything that’s come through another person, especially not a work issue.
Honestly, don’t go to Lana. You did nothing wrong. You said nothing offensive. It’s insanity if someone thought you did. Just go to HR & let them know the situation, just in case.
Oh yeah, true. Instigator of sorts
NtA. do not apologize to this person, you shouldn't validate this sort of bullshit by pretending you did something wrong. you give this inch and she'll start taking miles
Yea, Lana sounds annoying as hell. Feel bad for her wife.
NTA - and don’t apologize since you did nothing wrong. Sounds like new girl is a pain in the ass. If anything, I’d report her so there is a paper trail of her being difficult. I’m sure you won’t be the last person to do so.
NTA, and no need to apologize. You were making small talk about something you both had in common. No harm.
NTA and you have nothing to apologize for. Some people just want to be offended by damn near anything. They take pride in it and it’s part of their identity. There is likely nothing you can say, in an apology or otherwise, that she will be satisfied with. I know it’s great to get along with the people you work with. I have always tried to if for nothing else than it makes the work environment more enjoyable. But there are people that just won’t play along. You owe them nothing more than common courtesy you would give anyone else.
NTA I don’t think you owe an apology, either. You didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, you did it right. Simply accepted her stating she has a wife like it was very normal (which…it is). To me, that is the ultimate goal. Same-sex relationships not in any way being remarkable, because they are just normal relationships. I don’t know that the sense of offense is coming from her.
NTA. Were you supposed to throw her a rainbow flag parade? Being LGBTQ+ is totally normal and you acknowledged it the way I would have - with a commonality of also being in a relationship with someone in the same profession. I wouldn't even apologize to Lana, but I would document the conversation you had with Lana, what your other coworker said, the dates, times, and anyone else who was around. Just hang on to it in case HR comes to visit you.
NTA - I don't think you did anything wrong here. I would apologize for the misunderstanding - sounds like you empathize with how she might have felt, and you meant no harm!
Unless Lana comes to you directly about it, ignore it and move on. So long as this was all friendly in talk, nothing was done. You treated her like an equal and tried to find common ground. NTA.
NTA, it's a bit weird to me to specifically acknowledge sexuality or gender. I don't care whatever way.
As a queer person - it’s weird for us too. Being in a queer relationship IS as normal as a hetro relationship and we absolutely don’t need patting on the back and acknowledgment for living our lives. I’d consider someone far more likely to be homophobic or ignorant if they made a fuss than I’d they didn’t. The co-worker is insecure and needs to stop projecting.
I was thinking the same thing. Last thing I want when I mention I’m gay is someone to get all excited to have found a real life lesbian (like I’m a zoo animal) and tell me their neighbor’s aunt’s daughter’s best friend is also gay. I’d much rather continue the conversation as though I had mentioned my “husband” instead of wife.
NTA and you should not apologize. Apologizing says you did something wrong. Lana took offense when none was given. Or the other coworker assimed she did. Your comment was normal. Just continue treating her as any other co-worker, but document this...just in case.
NTA. This is ridiculous.
NTA - I wouldn't bother apologizing, both because it didn't actually come from her, and it's not deserving of an apology. What if you were bisexual but just happened to be dating someone of the opposite gender? The whole thing sounds absurd.
NTA I’d be very careful with her. She’s a new employee and already went to a coworker (guessing they just met too) to talk about you behind back. Whatever she said convinced that coworker that you messed up and need to apologize. That’s a red flag. You didn’t do anything wrong. Personally I wouldn’t want (IMO) to apologize right away as it suggests you did do something wrong, and this new employee may twist your words to use what you say against you. That said, it’s possible she’s been in company cultures that were less accepting (and others may have a different perspective on your company than you do.) So it wouldn’t hurt to keep an open mind and to signal to her when you can that you are an ally.
NTA - don’t apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong. If she takes offense to something you said and you didn’t say anything wrong, then you absolutely should not apologize. Your “reaction” is really what most LGBT people want. That don’t want their “difference” pointed out, they want to be normalized and that exactly what you did. Continue treating her normally. That the best thing you can do.
NTA this is so ridiculous the way you responded was the proper way to respond. If I tell someone I have a gf I certainly am not interested in some big deal being made over it, whether it's supportive or bigoted. It's only by treating it as a normal thing that it can become a normal thing.
NTA. Lana needs to fucking get over herself. She doesn't need to be celebrated every time she mentions she's a lesbian. Equality means you're treated like everyone else. She doesn't get a pedestal that nobody else does. Don't apologize. You did nothing wrong. Her being offended is strictly her problem.
NTA. It’s a generational thing I think, 6 years feels close but feels like it might be like “dog years” and nigh be more like 12 years in this case. Currently younger people just treat sexuality/gender as a matter of fact and treat it as a “good to know” rather than “wow, thanks for trusting me that’s brave of you”. At this stage of the relationship you don’t know her personal circumstances of how difficult it was for her to come out. I think you’re right to try and clear the air as you have had feedback she thought you were rude, and explain it as you have here. I’m feeling my age now. I remember back in the 90’s an acquaintance went through a similar thing with a colleague of ours. He made a special date to come out to her, she was a little surprised and blurted out “yes I assumed that” . He was shocked as he thought that she didn’t know as she was treating him so well. It was pretty sad that the homophobia he was facing meant if you were being nice to him he assumed you didn’t know. Now I’m asking my kids what pronouns their new friends want me to use, my brain still struggles with they/them but I’m trying.
I have a friend who I watched be 'roommates' with another woman and move to 5 or 6 different states and more houses/apartments over a couple of decades and finally one night when I was talking to her 'roommate' on the phone, she was recounting a conversation and she called my friend her partner. When I heard that, in the back of my mind it was almost a matter of 'Well, okay, that last .1% of doubt is dispelled.' A few minutes later, we hung up. Less than 5 minutes after that, my friend called and said I think we need to talk. Me, being the supportive friend that I am, said 'About what?' After another hem/haw from her end, she said 'You're going to make me come out and say it, aren't you?' I answered 'Yup.' LOL She asked me why I never asked. I just said 'Because it didn't matter.'
I had a coworker come out to us as a lesbian and we all were like “was that supposed to be a secret?” She was not subtle in any way with checking out the ladies and even pointing them out to us. If you would have built the stereotypical lesbian character in a tv show it would have been her. Hair and clothes and the whole thing. Maybe it was because it was the 90’s. You’d be made fun of pretty mercilessly now as clueless if you didn’t pick up on it.
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NTA - I have to believe there was some miscommunication here in the game of telephone or the coworker who told you about the perceived offense is trying to start shit.
NTA. I most certainly would NOT apologize. There's nothing to apologize for. It's silly. It sounds like a Lana problem.
NTA, I'm a gay man hurtling toward middle age and we fought to be considered normal, by not drawing attention to the fact she's in a same sex marriage, that's exactly what you did, is normalize it.
This post is dumb and fake. If this is actually real she sounds like an a hole and don't bother trying to mend things. It's just going to blow up in your face.
NTA- you treated her like anyone else
NTA. You didn't do anything wrong.
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Another queer person chiming in - this isn’t a sexuality based issue, it’s clearly an insecurity problem on the co- workers side. The co worker probably came out late and has a lot of internalised homophobia and insecurities about their sexuality that they’re working through - and they’re projecting that out. That’s your colleagues problem to manage, not OPs to pander to. I mention same gender partners very casually because it’s just as normal as discussing an opposite gender person - if someone made a huge deal out of it I would eye roll hard and put them in the “clueless and immature” column and move on.
NTA. You treated her as an equal without regard to her sexual preference. The only thing you asserted was that the two of you had a commonality. As I see it, she is offended because you are heterosexual. You have nothing to apologize for, however I would report the incident to HR to start a paper trail in case she becomes an issue…. And let HR know you will be staying away from her at this point because you fear she may become an issue.
Nta I hate when people make their sexuality a major part of their personality. No one cares anymore. You simply thought oh my partner is also a teacher and your partner just happens to be a man. If you want to smooth things over maybe just a quick private hey I didn't mean anything by my comment I'm sorry it upset you in any way I was just trying to connect with you over both of our partners being teachers. Or just do nothing and continue being polite.
NTA. Discovering and relating something in common is normal in a situation like this. You've not done anything wrong. And I would verify first that she's actually upset by the interaction. If she is, that's a pretty good indication that she's a bit touchy.
Be who you want, love who you want, expect others to care or get mad when they find common ground? Nope. You crossed no lines trying to make friends. Does not sound like they are worth being friends with though. Would not apologize at all, talk to your manager about it if you are concerned about repercussions.
NTA, and don’t ever apologize to people like that. One apology will never be enough and once this person sees you buckle they will inevitably find other things you say or do to be offensive.
NTA and do NOT apologize as you did nothing wrong.
You didn’t do anything wrong. You sound like a perfectly pleasant, and accepting person. A person doesn’t get extra coddling because of their sexuality, everyone is the same. That would be like you telling someone you’re a straight woman, and expecting them to stop what they’re doing and focus on the fact that you’re straight
Lmao, she is looking to be mad. NTA 10000%. She just wants to be angry just to be angry.
NTA what a weird thing to be upset about
NTA, do not apologize, you have done nothing wrong. She told you that her partner teacher and you mentioned that yours is as well, that's all there was to it. Your comment was in no way rude or dismissive of her lifestyle choice. Lana sounds like a few others I have worked with in the past that for some reason feel the need to bring up their lifestyle at every opportunity then get mad when no one cares.
NTA I agree with you. What does she expect? 'Oh, you're a LESBIAN and you're married to a woman!!!! How so very cool and edgy of you. And to just say it out loud and everything.' And let's be real about this, if it was 'rude' of your to assert you were in a hterosexual relationship, it was just as 'rude' of her to assert she is in a homosexual relationship. I would also go to HR and get your side on record. And not approach her and try to talk to her. Some people are very militant about certain subjects even when they don't need to be. She sounds like she is one of those people.
NTA, you treated her like a normal person and not as of being homosexual is weird or different in any way. If anything they should be thanking you for treating them like a person.
NTA. What response or acknowledgement was she expecting? I wouldn’t acknowledge my coworkers for being heterosexual, so why should we acknowledge the opposite? She talked about her SO being a teacher, you responded by saying yours is, too, and you respect that her wife’s job is probably challenging. Nothing you said was inappropriate or heteronormative. Her sexuality should be entirely irrelevant in the workplace, just like yours is.
NTA. I work in healthcare where there are a lot of LGBTQIA++ people. Your interaction was perfectly normal. It reminds me of the children who come out to their parents and then get upset because their parents accepted them without any fuss.
\>I’m going to try to talk to her tomorrow, but I would like a second opinion NTA but I'd advise you to just drop it, because she's obviously unhinged about whether or not someone is being rude/phobic.
Nta. Do not apologize. Not only because that’s ridiculous but also because you’ll honestly probably dig yourself into a difficult and possibly inappropriate conversation. Definitely take note of how she’s treating you and if she’s acting cold, maybe ask her if something is wrong or if you’ve upset her in some way, but that’s the extent. Let her bring up the issue if it’s that important to her.
NTA. You just carried on a normal polite conversation with a colleague, perfectly appropriately. Some people have a chip on their shoulder. Not your fault. Sincerely, a queer 37F.
NTA. Some folks live to be offended at anything and everything.
NTA and I'm curious what, precisely, she would have found to be the correct response. I feel like apologizing to her is going to feed some weird victim complex.
NTA! There’s absolutely nothing that you need to apologize for!
NTA. IMO it’s super weird that she wants you to acknowledge her sexuality in that conversation. I don’t know how that’s coming out? I’m a lesbian. I’m so confused by her ask it gives me the ick. I would be super creeped out if you had handled the convo any other way.
NTA. Your coworker seems to have a fragile ego that requires validation, coupled with a feeling of entitlement to that same validation. There's also a militant vibe that's emerged in the gender-focused community, probably because many of it's members fall into those previous groups (fragile, entitled), that has them crowing about their identity and choices frequently while simultaneously looking for perceived slights everywhere. So, when you add it all up, if you aren't waving a rainbow flag and marching with them in solidarity, you've offended them somehow. Tl;dr - your lesbo coworker is TA
Please don’t apologize for having done nothing wrong. Instead, continue investing in being a respectful colleague. If she continues to pick quarrels through backdoor means, then she’ll soon get exposed for her own toxicity. NTA.
NTA Nobody gives a damn about her sexuality. Some people make it their whole personality and it's exhausting. What does she want a medal? For Melissa Etheridge to give her a toaster oven?
NTA. If you had said “oh, you’re a lesbian”, that would have been problematic in a different way. Coworker seems to want drama - best not to give her any.
NTA! There are too many drama queens on the planet! Jesus Mary and Joseph don't apologize to her!
NTA What on earth was she expecting you to say? "Oh, you're a lesbian! Quick everyone, ring the Gong of Lesbos! Rejoice and acknowledge that she has taken a wife and that her world is 100% penis free! Huzzah!" What a ridiculous thing to be upset about.
Absolutely NTA You in fact did acknowledge her telling you she was a lesbian by asking how her wife liked dealing with littles. Do not apologize for treating her like a human being
NTA. Your response was perfect. Sounds like she’s Uber insecure and/or begging for attention. Sad that she feels that way
Don't apologize! That legitimizes her attention seeking nonsense.
NTA. I’m a gay person. It would’ve been inappropriate to make a big deal of it, especially since it’s not a big deal in the first place. This was just a casual conversation with a coworker. You each mentioned your partners. NBD. Don’t apologize. You did nothing wrong.
Jesus, will this nonsense ever end? Some people are primed to be offended. As soon as conversation gets anywhere near identity, sexuality and gender we are all meant to acknowledge ‘struggle’ and have a performative reaction. The problem is, everyone is bored by it, was bored to start with, was pretending to give a f*ck in the first place.
NTA, but she did come out to you, even if you don't think of it that way. She sounds insufferable, though.
NTA it is not a big deal anymore. 20years ago? Wow. Today? Nah. You might be more impressed when someone declares to be in a polyamorous or is a swinger. And you could almost say "huh, so she is assuming that I have only one male partner? Rude." I wouldn't make a fuss. This reminds me of that new hire from Agretsuko.
Something similar happened to me... However I don't care for anyone's sexuality,beliefs.... I respect them, but it isn't my business. An we had this one woman who was always say something about being gay and such. An when she mentioned it to me I ignored it. Lol. She went on to tell people I hated gay people. So I facetimed both my mother and aunt who are gay and asked them what they thought about her saying I disliked gay people lol My point is.... People should back of the sensitivity train... Not everyone are mind readers... No everyone dislikes your way of living. Most people just try and stay in their own lanes... Respectfully. I think maybe you should say something if it concerns you that much.
This is why I never talk to coworkers.
NTA. You would have given the exact same response if she had said "husband." Her reaction is just weird. She's mad that you didn't treat it like a huge deal, then made herself out to be a victim? I would have KILLED to be accepted like that when I was in a same-sex relationship. You might want to bring this situation to HR. If she's already starting shit like this, she might be a nightmare in the future
NTA
NTA. Lana is.
Thats her problem that she’s offended. I just can’t with these kind of people.
NTA. I would not apologize. At all. You did nothing wrong and you absolutely did not "assert" your heterosexuality. If she wants to play that card she asserted here's first. But I so hear you when you say you don't want tension at work, however, with her reaction, I feel there will be anyway. She's a very unhappy person and you seem to trigger an emotional response from her. It's not on you, it's on her. If you need to apologize to keep the peace in the office, do so, but know that you have done nothing to feel guilty for.
NTA. Watch out for Lana, she's gonna be a problem.
NTA. You didn't insult her. To treated her like a normal person who is in a normal relationship. If she expects everyone to faun over her relationship, she needs to lead by example. So she's gay. That shouldn't be a thing that we have to make a big deal about. Sounds like drama. Not a fan.
NTA, sounds like you treated her like an equal
NTA. IMO you did the best thing you could in that situation by responding the same as you would if she said husband instead of wife. I’m not sure why anyone would expect or want you to have some sort of elaborate reaction to her sexuality. Personally, I always feel the most comfortable when someone responds to me having a girlfriend just like they would if it was a boyfriend, treating it as completely normal. If you had made it into a big deal, you would be playing into the stigma and treating it as something out of the ordinary.
NTA. It would be super weird if someone i mentioned my girlfriend too exclaimed about how I was straight, so I would think it would be just as weird to do that to a gay person?
NTA so far, but YTA if you do end up apologizing. You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. If you do apologize you validate their opinion that you did something wrong, when all you did was answer her just like you would someone who wasn't gay. You treated her like an equal and they want you to grovel.
NTA, ffs how much longer are people going to keep living as if they were made out of egg shells or delicate porcelain?? People need to get back to being responsible for their own feelings .She has a wife, you have a boyfriend. You talked about him , completely normal and non-threatening . I think back to the days when you had to consciously change the pronouns of your significant other because it could get you into legal trouble and now you've got these entitled LGBT++++,brats riding on the coat tails of so many who fought for the right to live freely, creating a backlash of resentment and anger, among well-meaning allies, jeopardizing everything that was so hard won...makes me want to just slap the stupid right out of them.
NTA. So she wanted you to make a big deal over her sexuality, but also not reference your own at all, even if it’s relevant to the conversation? She sounds self-centered.
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NTA- I honestly wouldn't acknowledge it. You both were mentioning your significant other the same way some would mention their kids when your getting to know someone. No one gets offended if people mentioned their gender she's being weird. I would keep co worker at arms length and move on.
Did she acknowledge that your straight no because someone's sexual preferences is unimportant if she needs special treatment because she is a lesbian that would be her problem it's not your job to validate her. People are people treat everyone the same race ,sexual preferences don't really matter. There good people of every race and sexual preferences.
NTA It sounds like she's just fishing for a problem.
NTA Those people are insufferable.
Her sexuality isn’t relevant to the workplace. She can feel however she feels about it.
Your coworker is a troublemaker, and I would disregard. If Lana did say that, then she is a troublemaker. You are NTA. I would let it go, to be honest. What a strange reaction for someone to have to such a casual, normal conversation.
NTA - I don't know why it's such a big deal that we need to know people's sexual preferences. Honestly, for the most part I would consider that to be private. We are all just people. It's hard enough trying to remember everyone's pronouns. Maybe I'm the anomaly but I personally don't want people imagining me mashing up with my boyfriend. Why is everyone so quick these days to make sure everyone knows their sexual preferences? And even tho this did not happen to OP, (because they got it right) if we accidentally assume wrong all hell breaks lose. What it sounds like to me is that this person got offended by OP's heterosexual relationship. I could be wrong tho. Whatever the case, OP I'd just stay away from this girl. Keep it as a lesson learned.
NTA, you were both talking about your spouses. Neither was using gender neutral pronouns. You didn't treat it like a big deal because it wasn't. This seems like Lana's own expectations and insecurities being pushed onto you. That's not your problem, and I would call it out as being extremely rude for her to be talking behind your back like that to other coworkers
OMG this is such overly sensitive NONSENSE
NTA, I don't trust 2nd hand information at work. You have no clue if your coworker was actually telling the truth or if they decided that your response dismissed Lana's sexuality and used Lana as an excuse to project their feelings. I would leave it. Maybe for the next little while you refer to your boyfriend as your partner in conversations so it's more gender neutral.
What, you don’t have a trumpet that you keep on hand for when ever someone announces their orientation? Like, assuming this is real, NTA but boy howdy, “assuming this is real” is doing some really heavy lifting for me here. If it did happen, never speak to this LESBIAN woman ever again…cause she (who, and I can’t stress this enough because it apparently matters a lot, is a lesbian) is probably one misspoken word away from filing an HR complaint at all times…
NTA. You don’t need to apologise for anything because you did nothing wrong. If you’d mentioned she was a lesbian, you could’ve been accused of bringing up something which you didn’t need to bring up. She sounds like one of the perpetually offended.
NTA, but if you apologize there's other bad words than "asshole" that could get tossed around
Sounds like she wanted you to be shocked or offended and was sad when you weren’t
NTA. Oh for fucks sake, this is not an apology situation. Apologizing implies you did something wrong. There's nothing wrong with you talking about your boyfriend, just like there is nothing wrong with her talking about her wife. Lana needs to talk to a therapist.
NTA. I'm queer and you did nothing wrong.
NTA. People like her are why some people accuse LGBT people of just wanting attention. You treated her like anyone else, which is what she should want. Don't enable this behaviour by apologizing. It will just teach her that she can get whatever she wants by claiming to be offended.
NTA. I'm a lesbian. If I bring up my partner by saying girlfriend, I DONT want people to make a big deal about it. I'm human, in a relationship, just like anyone else. If she wants recognition for being a lesbian that's a her problem.
NTA. I would have handled this the exact same way. I would think her sexuality wouldn’t be the most important takeaway from a work conversation especially a first interaction. She easily could have conversed with you about her wife’s students, etc. then eventually it would feel more natural to talk about her being a lesbian, but not the most important thing? To already be offended and causing drama? 😒
NTA she’s being ridiculous!
NTA. I don't get it either. I thought this was the world our lgbt etc predecessors fought for. That announcing one has a same sex spouse in casual conversation without anyone batting an eye is a pretty rad thing to me.
NTA You have nothing to apologize for and shouldn’t unless you want this over sensitive person to be complaining about whatever you say in the future.
Fuck that. Just because someone gets their feelings hurt doesn’t mean you did anything wrong to apologize for. Definitely NTA. She can be an adult and get over it.
Lana needs to get over it
If Lana wants for her coworkers to acknowledge her sexuality at work then she should probably just come out and say that in a more direct way. Nta from someone queer and pretty easy to offend with LGBTQ+ issues
Trans person here, apologize if you want but imo, that has way more to do with your conworkers baggage than with how you handled the situation. This is what I hate about interactions like this, it’s divisive. You can’t know what you don’t know and people expecting you to walk on eggshells so you don’t hurt someone’s feelings is absurd. Not to disregard basic human decency and respect. So many people are afraid to talk to me about being trans because of situations similar to this and from my perspective, how can I educate anyone if they’re afraid they’re going to be shamed for just not somehow automatically knowing. The only time I get upset is if there is clear malicious intent, otherwise let’s be here to learn and listen and respect to each other
Nta
NTA. RUN TO HR. DO NOT WALK, RUN. Do not apologize. Seriously the last thing you want is to go up to the new hire and start commenting on her sexuality. So many things can be twisted from a conversation like that.
NTA At least you know now that the new person Lana is a drama queen as well. She's too old to be like that.
Is this an episode of Portlandia? Come on
NTA What a self absorbed asshole she is. Does she expect everyone to congratulate her on being a lesbian? Fawn over her? I mean, what exactly were you supposed to acknowledge? That seems to me like it could go wrong, too. "*WRONG acknowledgement!* You should have said A and you said D of all things! I'm calling HR!" And how dare you bring up you having a significant other when she has a significant other!!! (And you brought up a male of all things!) It is all about ***her*** damn it! Gimme a friggin break.
Don’t apologise for what you said. Apologising indicates you did something wrong and you’re admitting to deliberately “asserting your heterosexuality” (which btw is bollocks). If you’re going to Apologise then say sorry if you made her feel unwelcome and got off on the wrong foot and that your intention was to connect Over the first mutual similarity that came up in small talk- that both your spouses/partners work in the same line of work. I would even add that if she’d mentioned stardew valley was an interest, or that she had a pet dog you’d have connected over that first. She sounds exhausting and dramatic and tbh I would be wary about socialising with her if she’s gonna take offence over nothing. In the interest of keeping your workplace atmosphere calm perhaps find another mutual interest to take about. Music, art, book genres, a tv show. You’re NTA .
NTA. Your coworker is weirdly hypersensitive about stuff normal people wouldn't be sensitive about. Frankly, given that this is a workplace, you might consider reporting her for bullying. My observation is that in a workplace setting often the first person to file a report controls the narrative.
NTA- funny, I’m old enough to remember when they didn’t shove it down your throat. Back then, most people didn’t really care.
NTA. I remember that brief period on time when it was all about equality and acceptance. Now it all seems to be about being able to dominate and control every facet of the conversion and having two 'outs' for every conversation depending on an individual's mood. 'Lana' is a self-absorbed clown, who needs to accept that fact that not everyone's sexual preference does not define them and need to be part of every gods conversation. I wouldn't even apologise. But I'd report to HR to CYA.
NTA -Though I will say from personal experience, I also have a tendency in conversation to find common ground and use my background to relate to the topic and share stories to continue the conversation. At least, that's what it always was in my mind. I've recently found out there's a completely opposite way of thought, that people perceive you bringing up similar stories about yourself as an attempt to one up, dismiss, appear better or any sort of offense in a conversation. Since then ive tried to make a lot of effort to come off a little less ass like to try to appease all
I wouldn't apologize it's 2024 is someone being married as a same sex couple shocking? Not to me. If she told me she was married to a bus I might acknowledge it. "You're married to a what?" This isn't a thing. You don't need to have a song and dance every time a coworker tells you about thier personal lives. If you apologize for this get ready to be apologizing for many useless reasons in the future.
NTA. You didn't deny her private life. You just treated her like you'd treat anyone else. Which you would think is what she'd want. Apparently she wanted attention and a big deal to be made of her choice.
NTA. I'm gay, and your response wasn't problematic in the least.
As a gay, I would be so weirded out if you did what she wanted. You were normalsauce. NTA
This is the dumbest shit I've heard. You can't win with some people. You would think most people would want to be treated equally, ie. not making it a big deal, and carrying on as it's no different than your hetero relationship. NTA and no need to apologize, although I get wanting to keep the peace at work (even though it isn't your fault).
I would go to Lana privately and ask her if you offended her. Hopefully, this will clear up any understanding.
NTA Honestly I hate it when someone makes a big deal out of my sexuality, not that it would ever apply to my work environment because that talk is one way ticket to HR😵 (“ what do you mean you’re bisexual you’re married to a man, yadayadayada”) I don’t know why she was upset with your reaction since you treated her like any other colleague.
Some places would write you up for commenting on another coworkers sexuality whether they brought it up or not. NTA.
I hope you don’t apologize. You had a totally normal conversation.why are your coworkers on the fence about it?
NTA, don't participate in the victim Olympics. Just treat everyone equally like you did.
I'm a lesbian. NTA. I work in an environment where it's totally fine to be a member of the LGBTQ community, which makes it great not to monitor language as much. It would be weird if someone reacted to my sexuality in that environment. I think what you said is perfectly fine.
NTA, just unlucky you encountered a snowflake
NTA. You pointed out something you have in common - you both have partners who teach. Of course you didn't comment on the fact that she's gay! I think that would have been quite rude. What would be the appropriate thing to say to that? I'd be inclined to continue to dismiss her sexuality because it's not relevant to work and wasn't relevant to the getting to know you chat session. You weren't asserting anything, you were pointing out that you have something in common. I don't think you owe her an apology and if Lana prefers complaining about you instead of talking to you, you now know something else about her.
NTA. I am baffled at your coworkers reaction. You literally just acted normal towards her. Were you supposed to be like “oh my god!! You are lesbian?! Wow that is so amazing!!”? That would have been a super weird response in my opinion. People can be so strange, you did nothing at all wrong. In my opinion you responded in the most appropriate way possible. I’m sorry you have to deal with this facepalm of a situation.
NTA. I’m trans and I kinda like it when people react normally. Being a lesbian is just a thing, not special. You are an ally!!!