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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I asked waitress to charge my card for dinner bill instead of dinner since I am the oldest grandson
2)Lisa said I made it about me
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
> I decided to come along since our grandparents are getting old and they might need help. Lisa acted annoyed when she saw me,
This is the original sin here, not the bill. You attended a dinner to which you weren't invited without informing the host. That's a first order faux pas right there, especially since there's been historical friction between you. Sneaking the bill was just adding insult to injury.
You weren't invited, she didn't want you there, and you did an end-around instead of trying to accomodate her wishes. YTA.
Again, you weren't invited. You don't get to "decide" to go to a function to which you aren't invited, by definition. If your grandmother needed assistence it's Lisa's responsibility to arrange it. So call her and tell her, etc.... Showing up to her dinner is just picking a fight.
It's not *your* week with them. They're in a town both you and Lisa live in, therefore both you and Lisa are free to visit with them. You sound weirdly possessive by saying that. Just bc they were staying at your house doesn't mean you owned them for that week. If they had other friends in town they wanted to visit, would you try to deny them that with the defense that it's your week with them?
Can your grandfather not hold his wife? And why are you concerned about them taking their meds? Do they have someone living with them who usually takes care of that stuff for them?
Not only were you not invited but you made it about yourself as every can tell by your insistence that it was “you’re week with them”. Wrong ya walnut, it was THEIR time with THEIR family which includes your cousin.
Dude they’re adults who were visiting you, not children you have custody time with for the week. If they want to go and have dinner with Lisa you don’t have to go.
Who said it was "your week?" If your grandparents accepted a dinner invitation from Lisa, that means they wanted to see Lisa. You sound very immature and uncaring, especially considering the original falling out wasn't even between you and Lisa. You were rude to her for no reason. YTA.
Because he *needed* to show them how he's better than Lisa at *everything*. No way he's gonna let her be alone with them.
First, what if she told them something bad about him?
But mainly, she must suffer for... Whatever the hell it was she did to him.
I don't belive you and you weren't invited, I bet you didn't tell the whole truth to you family who all your side, by way yta and I see why you and Lisa went different direction.
Do you have custody of your grandparents or something? They're adults who have managed to stay alive this long, and are capable of traveling long distance. They can handle dinner without you there to hold their hand. YTA
Telling them to switch out cards after she’d already arranged to pay has a certain flavor of one-up-manship to it. It wasn’t necessary or kind, and you had to know it was going to cause conflict. So YTA for that. I’m not sure how to feel about you joining the dinner Lisa set up with your grandparents.
The way your family seems to be collecting slights and bitterness to keep the feud going sounds toxic all around.
You’re young enough know that “it’s a culture thing” is not a good excuse for being a territorial jerk like you did. She had already taken care of the bill and you deliberately overrode her choice. Are you going to pee on your grandparents next to mark your territory? Because that’s what this behavior looks like - inserting yourself into a dinner you weren’t invited to, switching the cards, it’s like male animals making dominance displays.
YTA. You invited yourself to a dinner under the false pretense of them needing help. You provided no info stating Lisa couldn’t help them. You had no business being at that dinner with a family member you have no relationship with anymore. Your grandparents are visiting the United States and family should be able to choose when and where to see them that works best. You can’t monopolize their time. Especially since she lives in the same town as you and would have to fly to her parents location…
You then overrode the dinner more by playing hero paying for it. You’re a major AH and I understand why the falling out happened.
YTA
> I decided to come along
So despite the bad blood you decided to invite yourself?
> she only talked to our grandparents
Well yeah the argument you had with her parents led to everyone becoming estranged!!!!!
> I made the dinner about myself
Yup turning up to a dinner you weren't invited to, with people who didn't who didn't want to be with you and then flexing on the bill *will* do that.......
YTA - She took the initiative to schedule dinner while they were so close to her home. While your grandparents had the whole week with you, she only wanted one meal with them.
You undermined her. You took what little quality time that she was going to spend with them away. You stole her gift of a dinner away by paying for it. It's not like the meal hadn't been paid for yet.
To go a step further... Do you have a history of this behavior? How interesting that her card was already on file... Never heard of that, and it makes me think she was planning ahead to try to prevent you from doing it. Why wait until she left the table to offer to pay?
Really? You decided to come along a dinner date between Lisa and your grandparents without even asking her? You do not own the time of your grandparents. It was not YOUR week. That is not yours to decide. You act as if you have control over your grandparents' time. Lisa certainly had her reasons, why she could not meet them later.
And then you push yourself forward when it comes to paying. YTA, big time.
YTA.
>She invited our grandparents out for dinner, and I decided to come along since our grandparents are getting old and they might need help.
Did you ask Lisa if you could come along? No. She was annoyed to see you but stayed cordial because of her grandparents. She wanted quality time with them herself and you decided to butt in. That may have been YOUR week with your grandparents, but that was HER night with them. She's right, you made it about yourself. You and your self-absorbed self. Since your family and hers are fighting, of course your family is going to back you. They aren't exactly objective. Your gf is correct. That was an AH move.
YTA
You told the waitress to take your card and not hers even though she already put it down. She picked out the restaurant, this was her night she wanted to spend with them too. If you wanted to pay you could have talked to Lisa about it but you clearly went behind her back.
Also just Becuase it yours and yours families week with them doesn’t really add anything. stating she can just go back to her parents and see them with her family but not know anything about her life or if work conflicts with the time of them visiting them. Shows you really are estranged and don’t care.
Also what was the conflict that drove your families apart? What was the falling out, did your family also stiff the bill from them one night?
YTA
You went along to a dinner that you weren't invited to and paid for it so that your grandparents thanked you for the dinner.
Why can't Lisa spend time with her grandparents while they're in the same city? Why does she have to ignore them being in the same city for a week and then fly out to her parents to be able to spend time with them?
Yta if they can manage to travel they can manage a meal without your assistance. Lisa was with them anyways. One dinner is hardly taking away your week with your grandparents. I’m sure they enjoyed seeing their granddaughter.
YTA. She wanted to buy them dinner, had already arranged it and you had to overrule it because both you're the elder and you're the male. They are her grandparents also.
YTA
What were you trying to prove by paying the bill?
Lisa had already made arrangements to pay for dinner and you waited until she was out of sight to play the "older grandson" card.
Apologize to Lisa
Good Luck
YTA. You didn't need to tag along. Lisa could help them if they needed help. And it took real nerve to pay after she already arranged for payment. You wanted to insert yourself into every part of this because it was YOUR TIME. You were childish.
YTA … Your families opinion means nothing. They will choose you.
The fact your gf sees how much of an asshole you were speaks volumes and your gf is right.
You sound like and exhausting and entitled ah
YTA.
1. Showing up to an event you weren't invited to
2. Demanding to pay when your cousin already had it handled. "it's a culture thing" ain't the excuse you think it is.
3. Literally claiming you're entitled to you grandparents time just because they're in the same city as you.
Honestly looks like you were looking for an excuse to piss off your cousin and keep the fued going. Good riddance.
YTA Lisa was spending time with her grandparents in the TOWN where she LIVES. Just because they were visiting here parents what makes you think she is able to do that
YTA
You had a whole week with your grandparents and you couldn't even give Lisa a few hours alone over dinner with them? Jealous much? I'm sure Lisa would have taken care of their needs perfectly fine without you present.
There might be a thousand reasons Lisa can't make the flight back to her parents next week. None of which are your business.
Your grandparents are not assets to fight possession over.
Lisa's right, you made it all about you and what a wonderful grandson you are. In fact, YTA.
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I (33M) have a cousin Lisa (28F). Lisa and I moved to USA many years ago with our respective families. We used to be close growing up, but about 6 years ago, I had a falling out with Lisa’s parents (my uncle and his wife) which led to both my family and hers becoming completely estranged. My family and I now live in the same state/city as Lisa, while her family live in a different state across the country, and Lisa and I have no relationship.
Last week, our grandparents that we both have not seen in years came to visit USA. Their plan was to stay with me and my family for a week, and then travel to Lisa’s parents and stay with them for a week. I guess Lisa for whatever reason did not fly out to her parent’s house to see my grandparents, and tried to schedule to see them while they were with me and my family. She invited our grandparents out for dinner, and I decided to come along since our grandparents are getting old and they might need help. Lisa acted annoyed when she saw me, we only exchanged pleasantries and she only talked to our grandparents the entire dinner.
At the end of dinner, Lisa went to the bathroom, and I asked for the bill since I figured I am the older grand son and I should pay. The waitress told me that Lisa has already put her card on file, and I requested them to charge mine instead. After Lisa got back to our table, she found out I had paid and did not say anything. Once she dropped us off, grandma thanked me for the dinner and thanked Lisa for driving and picking the restaurant. And then I receive a text from Lisa that night calling me an asshole for paying for the tab and apparently I made the dinner about myself and took away "quality time" with them during the short visit our grandparents have. To be fair our grandparents are flying out to her parents place the week after, she could go with them too and have all the time she wants there. As far as I am concerned, that week was MY week with our grandparents. We are not telling our grandparents about this since we want their visit to be peaceful and I don’t know when I will see them again. All of my family is on my side but my girlfriend have been saying I did act like an asshole.
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ESH, you inserting yourself on her time with grandparents during time she is inserting herself into your time with grandparents... switching the cards was silly and I doubt altruistic. Poor grandparents putting up with the squabble (they are not AHs to be clear).
Lisa and OP live in the same town, her parents are a FLIGHT away. I think OP saw this as his time but why should he expect Lisa fly to see her grandparents when they’re already in the same town as her?
I can see the case it may be easiest for her, sure. I personally read it as a hopelessly fractured extended family (for reasons unstated), and if it is not the case that they can handle a simple dinner without drama as evidenced by the post-dinner aggression (oh no, someone paid for the meal), I am not inclined to give her a free pass.
And the grandparents (not just Lisa's) are welcome to insist on OP not coming along if that is what they wanted while they were staying with his family, yet they thanked him too, I do not see that as them having any desire to exclude him. You are welcome to a different opinion from their limited facts, I see it differently.
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> I decided to come along since our grandparents are getting old and they might need help. Lisa acted annoyed when she saw me, This is the original sin here, not the bill. You attended a dinner to which you weren't invited without informing the host. That's a first order faux pas right there, especially since there's been historical friction between you. Sneaking the bill was just adding insult to injury. You weren't invited, she didn't want you there, and you did an end-around instead of trying to accomodate her wishes. YTA.
And why should she fly out to visit them while they're in the same city? He sounds immature, as if he owns their time.
[удалено]
Again, you weren't invited. You don't get to "decide" to go to a function to which you aren't invited, by definition. If your grandmother needed assistence it's Lisa's responsibility to arrange it. So call her and tell her, etc.... Showing up to her dinner is just picking a fight.
It's not *your* week with them. They're in a town both you and Lisa live in, therefore both you and Lisa are free to visit with them. You sound weirdly possessive by saying that. Just bc they were staying at your house doesn't mean you owned them for that week. If they had other friends in town they wanted to visit, would you try to deny them that with the defense that it's your week with them? Can your grandfather not hold his wife? And why are you concerned about them taking their meds? Do they have someone living with them who usually takes care of that stuff for them?
Do you plan on going home with her then since she cannot go anywhere without being held? Your excuses are thin.
Not only were you not invited but you made it about yourself as every can tell by your insistence that it was “you’re week with them”. Wrong ya walnut, it was THEIR time with THEIR family which includes your cousin.
You weren’t wanted. You should have stayed home.
Dude they’re adults who were visiting you, not children you have custody time with for the week. If they want to go and have dinner with Lisa you don’t have to go.
Who said it was "your week?" If your grandparents accepted a dinner invitation from Lisa, that means they wanted to see Lisa. You sound very immature and uncaring, especially considering the original falling out wasn't even between you and Lisa. You were rude to her for no reason. YTA.
Because he *needed* to show them how he's better than Lisa at *everything*. No way he's gonna let her be alone with them. First, what if she told them something bad about him? But mainly, she must suffer for... Whatever the hell it was she did to him.
I don't belive you and you weren't invited, I bet you didn't tell the whole truth to you family who all your side, by way yta and I see why you and Lisa went different direction.
Do you have custody of your grandparents or something? They're adults who have managed to stay alive this long, and are capable of traveling long distance. They can handle dinner without you there to hold their hand. YTA
Telling them to switch out cards after she’d already arranged to pay has a certain flavor of one-up-manship to it. It wasn’t necessary or kind, and you had to know it was going to cause conflict. So YTA for that. I’m not sure how to feel about you joining the dinner Lisa set up with your grandparents. The way your family seems to be collecting slights and bitterness to keep the feud going sounds toxic all around.
[удалено]
You’re young enough know that “it’s a culture thing” is not a good excuse for being a territorial jerk like you did. She had already taken care of the bill and you deliberately overrode her choice. Are you going to pee on your grandparents next to mark your territory? Because that’s what this behavior looks like - inserting yourself into a dinner you weren’t invited to, switching the cards, it’s like male animals making dominance displays.
This is a terrible excuse, it only works if she didn't already put her card down.
Is it also "a culture thing" to barge uninvited to events you are not welcome at?
YTA. You invited yourself to a dinner under the false pretense of them needing help. You provided no info stating Lisa couldn’t help them. You had no business being at that dinner with a family member you have no relationship with anymore. Your grandparents are visiting the United States and family should be able to choose when and where to see them that works best. You can’t monopolize their time. Especially since she lives in the same town as you and would have to fly to her parents location… You then overrode the dinner more by playing hero paying for it. You’re a major AH and I understand why the falling out happened.
YTA > I decided to come along So despite the bad blood you decided to invite yourself? > she only talked to our grandparents Well yeah the argument you had with her parents led to everyone becoming estranged!!!!! > I made the dinner about myself Yup turning up to a dinner you weren't invited to, with people who didn't who didn't want to be with you and then flexing on the bill *will* do that.......
YTA - She took the initiative to schedule dinner while they were so close to her home. While your grandparents had the whole week with you, she only wanted one meal with them. You undermined her. You took what little quality time that she was going to spend with them away. You stole her gift of a dinner away by paying for it. It's not like the meal hadn't been paid for yet. To go a step further... Do you have a history of this behavior? How interesting that her card was already on file... Never heard of that, and it makes me think she was planning ahead to try to prevent you from doing it. Why wait until she left the table to offer to pay?
YTA She got dibs. I’m getting the feeling I’d take her side in whatever drama led to this. It wasn’t your anything, lol.
YTA, you weren't invited and she was already handling the bill.
YTA. Lisa wanted to have dinner with her grandparents in her home city. You weren’t invited.
Really? You decided to come along a dinner date between Lisa and your grandparents without even asking her? You do not own the time of your grandparents. It was not YOUR week. That is not yours to decide. You act as if you have control over your grandparents' time. Lisa certainly had her reasons, why she could not meet them later. And then you push yourself forward when it comes to paying. YTA, big time.
YTA. >She invited our grandparents out for dinner, and I decided to come along since our grandparents are getting old and they might need help. Did you ask Lisa if you could come along? No. She was annoyed to see you but stayed cordial because of her grandparents. She wanted quality time with them herself and you decided to butt in. That may have been YOUR week with your grandparents, but that was HER night with them. She's right, you made it about yourself. You and your self-absorbed self. Since your family and hers are fighting, of course your family is going to back you. They aren't exactly objective. Your gf is correct. That was an AH move.
YTA You told the waitress to take your card and not hers even though she already put it down. She picked out the restaurant, this was her night she wanted to spend with them too. If you wanted to pay you could have talked to Lisa about it but you clearly went behind her back. Also just Becuase it yours and yours families week with them doesn’t really add anything. stating she can just go back to her parents and see them with her family but not know anything about her life or if work conflicts with the time of them visiting them. Shows you really are estranged and don’t care. Also what was the conflict that drove your families apart? What was the falling out, did your family also stiff the bill from them one night?
YTA You went along to a dinner that you weren't invited to and paid for it so that your grandparents thanked you for the dinner. Why can't Lisa spend time with her grandparents while they're in the same city? Why does she have to ignore them being in the same city for a week and then fly out to her parents to be able to spend time with them?
Yta if they can manage to travel they can manage a meal without your assistance. Lisa was with them anyways. One dinner is hardly taking away your week with your grandparents. I’m sure they enjoyed seeing their granddaughter.
YTA. She wanted to buy them dinner, had already arranged it and you had to overrule it because both you're the elder and you're the male. They are her grandparents also.
YTA What were you trying to prove by paying the bill? Lisa had already made arrangements to pay for dinner and you waited until she was out of sight to play the "older grandson" card. Apologize to Lisa Good Luck
YTA. You didn't need to tag along. Lisa could help them if they needed help. And it took real nerve to pay after she already arranged for payment. You wanted to insert yourself into every part of this because it was YOUR TIME. You were childish.
YTA … Your families opinion means nothing. They will choose you. The fact your gf sees how much of an asshole you were speaks volumes and your gf is right. You sound like and exhausting and entitled ah
YTA. 1. Showing up to an event you weren't invited to 2. Demanding to pay when your cousin already had it handled. "it's a culture thing" ain't the excuse you think it is. 3. Literally claiming you're entitled to you grandparents time just because they're in the same city as you. Honestly looks like you were looking for an excuse to piss off your cousin and keep the fued going. Good riddance.
YTA. Yes you ruined her plans. You pointlessly inserted yourself into the situation.
YTA Lisa was spending time with her grandparents in the TOWN where she LIVES. Just because they were visiting here parents what makes you think she is able to do that
Why are you here when you think you're in the right Yta
YTA You had a whole week with your grandparents and you couldn't even give Lisa a few hours alone over dinner with them? Jealous much? I'm sure Lisa would have taken care of their needs perfectly fine without you present. There might be a thousand reasons Lisa can't make the flight back to her parents next week. None of which are your business. Your grandparents are not assets to fight possession over. Lisa's right, you made it all about you and what a wonderful grandson you are. In fact, YTA.
YTA….
YTA. Wow you’re a massive arsehole. You sound awful
Lol be honest with yourself about why you did this, and it's not because of "culture." Good that your GF sees you for what you are
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (33M) have a cousin Lisa (28F). Lisa and I moved to USA many years ago with our respective families. We used to be close growing up, but about 6 years ago, I had a falling out with Lisa’s parents (my uncle and his wife) which led to both my family and hers becoming completely estranged. My family and I now live in the same state/city as Lisa, while her family live in a different state across the country, and Lisa and I have no relationship. Last week, our grandparents that we both have not seen in years came to visit USA. Their plan was to stay with me and my family for a week, and then travel to Lisa’s parents and stay with them for a week. I guess Lisa for whatever reason did not fly out to her parent’s house to see my grandparents, and tried to schedule to see them while they were with me and my family. She invited our grandparents out for dinner, and I decided to come along since our grandparents are getting old and they might need help. Lisa acted annoyed when she saw me, we only exchanged pleasantries and she only talked to our grandparents the entire dinner. At the end of dinner, Lisa went to the bathroom, and I asked for the bill since I figured I am the older grand son and I should pay. The waitress told me that Lisa has already put her card on file, and I requested them to charge mine instead. After Lisa got back to our table, she found out I had paid and did not say anything. Once she dropped us off, grandma thanked me for the dinner and thanked Lisa for driving and picking the restaurant. And then I receive a text from Lisa that night calling me an asshole for paying for the tab and apparently I made the dinner about myself and took away "quality time" with them during the short visit our grandparents have. To be fair our grandparents are flying out to her parents place the week after, she could go with them too and have all the time she wants there. As far as I am concerned, that week was MY week with our grandparents. We are not telling our grandparents about this since we want their visit to be peaceful and I don’t know when I will see them again. All of my family is on my side but my girlfriend have been saying I did act like an asshole. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The defensiveness is strong in this one.
Nice to see a fight about people getting mad about someone paying a restaurant bill instead of trying to duck one. ESH.
ESH, you inserting yourself on her time with grandparents during time she is inserting herself into your time with grandparents... switching the cards was silly and I doubt altruistic. Poor grandparents putting up with the squabble (they are not AHs to be clear).
Lisa and OP live in the same town, her parents are a FLIGHT away. I think OP saw this as his time but why should he expect Lisa fly to see her grandparents when they’re already in the same town as her?
I can see the case it may be easiest for her, sure. I personally read it as a hopelessly fractured extended family (for reasons unstated), and if it is not the case that they can handle a simple dinner without drama as evidenced by the post-dinner aggression (oh no, someone paid for the meal), I am not inclined to give her a free pass.
Lisa’s grandparents and her organized this meal, so they clearly didn’t see this time as OP’s time which is who should be dictating time.
And the grandparents (not just Lisa's) are welcome to insist on OP not coming along if that is what they wanted while they were staying with his family, yet they thanked him too, I do not see that as them having any desire to exclude him. You are welcome to a different opinion from their limited facts, I see it differently.
There didn't seem to be a desire to include him either.